#im actually closing my eyes. and walking away. and um seeing other things unrealted. and waiting. and this isn't actually important

[squirmydonnie]

Vent: it's really just me rambling.

I thought about saying it yesterday and today. There will never be good time to say it.

So theres no point in trying to find one. But I'm quite nervous about it. I've told no one the details or even about what Cookie 12 is to me. And why I've had to stop daydreaming about him and everything else imaginary.

It makes me wonder if I actually can say it. Say anything.

Recently my dad has started telling me that the things I say matter, and that they are important. And while I believe that (to a degree), it doesn't stop me from not saying things. I don't trust people very well anymore.

My parents don't even know I've struggled with it because I never told them. They haven't got a clue. No one does.

I know its because I don't say anything. I'm to afraid to say things. Even if they are things I like. I'm to scared to call someone a friend. So i say i have no friends.

It feels like I, myself, don't know if I have friends. Im too scared to figure it out. To get close.

When Grayless called me her friend, I was confused and could barely respond. I'm too afraid to be someone's friend. Because they'll hurt me.

The closet friends I've had are imaginary. They aren't real.

And now that I'm not letting myself go back to daydreaming or fall back in the beliefs, I've become very upset.

People do not like my presence. At least that's how I see it.

The person i had tried to comfort a bit ago doesn't seem to like me.. We were waiting for a substitute to come and I came up to where everyone else was sitting.

They asked a question so I responded. The told me it was " A-B conversation".

🙂

Well first of all it's not because your talking to 3 people. Second of all I'm sick of getting left out on purpose.

Theres a student that people generally dislike. We were getting put into teams for dodgeball and the students were picking the teams.

Tell me why they picked the student they disliked so much before me and I was picked last.

Why do people do that?.

Why do people pick me last, and right before pick someone they hate.

I know that if I don't say what I like people can't connect to me. But I don't think I can connect to these people. I don't think they want me.

But my NBB likes me. She likes me a lot. I feel bad that I don't really. Shes broken me down a whole lot.

I didn't want to think that one person could be the reason that I don't trust others. And I'm right, it's not just her, but shes a big part of why.

Despite that I haven't been able to not help her when shes in need. I've never been able to do that. To not care about another person.

People say it's an admirable trait. But they fail to recognize how it works. Having high empathy doesn't mean you can comfort people well. It doesn't mean you can help. It just means that you feel it.

I feel it so hard that I don't always help. Empathy itself is a skill, but it's not a fix-all.

This is so disjointed, but maybe I will say what cookie12 is. If I can manage.