#im a lesbian and the way chibnall worked on their relationship is just brilliant and touching

[hopeprevails]

i said i was gonna keep quiet about my unpopular thasmin opinion but i'm not lmao. this is super long and i don't think anyone is interested but i just wanted to put my thoughts out there in the world, since my opinion is in the minority inside the thirteenth doctor fandom and i created this blog to dump all of the opinions i have that no one asked for

thing is: i don't usually ship characters who i think are unhealthy for each other. might sound dumb but i always try to apply the most realistic expectations considering their personalities as i would in real life. and i genuinely think that thirteen and yaz are better off as friends than anything else for one specific reason: boundaries

more under the cut, but just saying before it all, in case my message gets lost: yaz is a brilliant companion and her characterisation is amazing; also, thirteen is my favourite incarnation of the doctor, taking the crown from nine after 6 years of being a doctor who fan. yaz is fundamental to the doctor's history and i hope isn't forgotten by rtd2 and beyond. that being said, i'll just get into it

this incarnation of the doctor in specific is very secretive and doesn't want to talk about her personal stuff; that's a boundary she's set early on. now whether it's a healthy boundary or an unhealthy one, that's a different point. thing is, it exists and thirteen is very clear on this throughout her time with yaz and the fam, especially after spyfall. yaz has someone like that in her family as well, her granny, who we've seen doesn't want to talk about much of what happened before she arrived in sheffield. yaz not only presses her about it, but also decides to find out for herself since she has access to time travel (don't get me wrong here, demons of the punjab is def one of my all time modern who fave episodes, i'm really glad it exists). it's only after she's seen in person what's happened that she "allows" her granny not to tell her. it's a very consistent trait of her character and her pressing the doctor to tell her stuff doesn't come out of nowhere (like i've seen some people saying outside of tumblr). i'm also not judging here if that's a good or a bad thing, it just is.

and this takes me to my next point: yaz was growing more and more frustrated with the doctor as time moved on. to understand why, let's take all of this from yaz's perspective: we know she's someone who presumably thinks that people should talk about their secrets with their loved ones, in any type of relationship (familial, platonic, romantic, whatever). graham says to o in spyfall that the doctor always changes the topic when they ask her where she's from and all of that, which would suggest that they've tried several times before and thirteen always deflects. then this o guy shows up, "kidnaps" the doctor and when she comes back, she's distant and aloof, but won't tell them what happened. then they meet ruth, and thirteen comes back looking way more defeated than they've ever seen, only agreeing to talk about what happened because they press her again and the information she gives them isn't all that informative. that gets us to season 12 finale, yaz refuses to believe the doctor is dead but doesn't know how to reach her, doesn't even understand what was happening at all. why was she out when they found her inside the citadel? what did the master want with her? what's been going on all this time? i think it's during these 10 months that yaz's frustration peaks inside her: she's feeling abandoned and lost. for someone who always tries to understand everything down to the last detail and doesn't like secrecy in her relationships, that's just too much for her. but she's in love with thirteen (even if she hasn't realised it yet), so she obviously doesn't let go. thirteen comes back pretending nothing's changed, and the rest of the episode is history. when we get to flux, this frustration is more evident than ever and their relationship, even as friends, seems fractured and tense. there was a point when i would watch them together and wonder why yaz put up with the doctor at all if it wasn't doing her any good. in my opinion, she should've pulled a martha and left to find a more satisfying relationship, that was adequate to her needs as a person. again, if i think she's right or not is another thing, but this is just how i saw it all at this point. thirteen does apologise for shutting yaz out at the end of flux, but even after that it's clearly difficult to get her to just sit down and talk about everything that happened.

now it would be unfair to not try and see things from the doctor's perspective as well. i must admit i'm a little biased because i think and act a lot like thirteen in emotional situations, so i tend to understand her side a lot more than yaz's (but i tried to be as unbiased as possible when analysing everything from yaz's pov). the doctor has just been losing people left and right the last hundreds of years. not counting classic who or rtd's era because i don't feel like there was that much focus on found family there (and i haven't watched classic who unfortunately): eleven thought he found a family, amy and rory were taken from him. he gets married to river, their timeline seems to be ending. he finds clara after isolating himself, regenerates into twelve, creates this codependent and sometimes downright unhealthy attachment to her and sees her life crumbling down before she herself dies. loses river yet again, loses bill in a brutal way and thinks missy has betrayed him. he comes to terms with (some of) his losses and with his pain in twice upon a time, only to see the first face thirteen met - grace - die the very same day she met her. my blorbo is damn tired, and you know what? i get her. i lost some friends (like losing touch for lots of reasons, not that they died lol) and was "betrayed" (in mudane things) by some others and now i just avoid everyone lmao. i'm in my 20s, can you imagine this shit happening your whole damn life and you're more than 2000 years old? in thirteen's mind, the obvious solution is: always try to be nice and never fail to be kind, but like, miles and miles emotionally away from everyone. ten had been "mostly" honest with rose and lost her. twelve came to completely trust clara, and lost her. thirteen decides to not open up unless it's absolutely necessary. and i also think she has a serious case of delayed emotional response and shuts down when confronted with her own pain, which makes conversations about emotional topics (either her feelings for anyone or her past) really difficult, probably even physically painfull (she's basically curling towards herself in fugitive of the judoon when she says ryan doesn't know her and also when she explains to yaz she can't be with her in legend of the sea devils). from this article:

How can you tell if someone is experiencing a delayed emotional response?

One of the most common signs of a delayed emotional response or Delayed Trauma Response is an inability to process and express emotions in a timely manner. When someone is experiencing it, they may appear to be “frozen” or “stuck” at the moment. They may be unresponsive and unable to express their feelings about what happened or how they are feeling in the present moment.

Other signs that someone may be experiencing Delayed Trauma Response include changes in behavior such as avoidance of certain activities, avoiding eye contact, difficulty expressing emotion verbally, increased aggression and irritability, hypervigilance, extreme sensitivity to reminders of the trauma, and flashbacks.

People experiencing Delayed Emotional Response may also have difficulty sleeping, numbness or disconnection from others, social withdrawal, self-loathing and guilt, loss of interest in activities they once enjoyed, and difficulty concentrating."

i counted ten symptoms, so she hits a lot of boxes there. especially during flux, we see the "increased aggression and irritability" towards yaz after their small argument in halloween apocalypse. delayed emotional response is a serious problem that is difficult to experience and heal from, and thirteen doesn't seem to see a way out of it. to trust yaz is to be vulnerable and to be vulnerable is to explain everything and to explain everything is to deal with all these emotions and risk getting hurt all over again and she can't do that. it's sad, really, how much she needs help but doesn't feel like is either worthy of it or that anyone would be able to help her. she has a duty of care towards the universe and everyone around her, and her own emotions be damned. it's interesting that we see thirteen actively avoiding to direct unpleasantness or negativity to the fam throughout her time with them, but in halloween apocalypse, she also gets frustrated with yaz. she loves yaz's company and wants her to stay travelling with her, but the budging and the questioning gets to her after that small argument and the doctor just can't filter her reactions anymore.

so, conclusion is: the doctor's boundaries hurt yaz, who needs more openness in her relationships and to feel she understands their loved ones and their lives; these are yaz's boundaries. but these boundaries hurt thirteen, who grows frustrated that yaz doesn't understand her reasons but also can't bring herself to open up to, in turn, make yaz understand her. and that's why i said in one of my tags that i thought thirteen's attempt to talk about their romantic feelings in legends of the sea devils was extreeeemely commendable. it was obviously painful and uncomfortable, but she pushes through it because she loves yaz and knows yaz deserves closure, so she can move on. as someone who goes through similar things in my personal life, i was proud of thirteen. and i think that, as sad as it was, her decision was the right one