#ill stop spiraling its fine i just feel insane

[theyluvjake]

our little secrets — lhs

© theyluvjake - all rights reserved, no permission to copy or post, this is my only account.

pt1 pt2 pt3 (make sure to read pt1 first if you havent!!)

Synopsis: cam boy heeseung. class president reader. the schools perfect student harbors a dirty secret, a dirty secret thats alot closer to her than she realizes. what happens when their paths cross? will they discover eachothers little secret?

MINORS DNI!

PAIRINGS - camboy!heeseung x innocent!reader

CONTENT - college au, smut & fluff with plot!! series, slow-burn, multiple chapters.

WORDCOUNT - 8k

WARNINGS - smut, this chapter doesn't have any sex (yet), just mutual / guided masturbation. caming, dirty talk, use of pet names (baby, doll, slut), praise & degradation, honestly hand kink. mentions of corruption kink. like last chapter, hee is a bit of a perv. but we like that <3

NOT PROOFREAD!

"ook.. so, what was that all about?" sunghoon sort of spoke underneath his breath. it was silent for a while amongst the group minus some of them taking sips of their drinks.

"she probably just... - had to pee! " sunoo blurtted out to fill the silence, only to make it fall silent again,

"ill go check on her-" yunjin was just about to turn to leave when heeseung stopped her.

"no, i can go check,"

his smile was soft and reassuring. yunjin was slightly taken aback as he volunteered, but her curiosity in whatever was going on with him and his new found interest in you, made her back down, silently agreeing by nodding her head.

maybe it was a bad friend mood sending a guy you didn't really know that well to check on you instead of her, but she just needed to see where it would go... y'know, for the plot.

heeseung swiftly made his way through the crowds of people heading straight to the guest bathroom,

*knocks* "um.. y/n are you okay?" fuck. wait what if its not even her in there?.. –

shit. why is he here?! the sound of his voice instantly sent your mind into a panicked spiral. - umm.. maybe i can just pretend im not in here and he will go away? yea! so you did, and you stayed silent.

"your friends just wanted to make sure you were okay... well and i wanted to talk to you."

he bit his lip, thinking he was probably just making whatever was going on worse. but he couldn't go back to the group without checking on you.

talk?? to me? why? this can't actually be happening right now. – y'know, maybe it's not him? maybe my thoughts are just all clouded... i'm just making up stuff..

— because there's no way. that would just be too insane.

you were full on in denial. it was unfortunately the only thing you realized you could do to get through the night. closing your eyes you took a deep breath before opening the door eyes instantly meeting the boys pretty doe eyed brown ones.

"um, sorry, yea i'm ok! just... had an eyelash in my eye.." you giggled nervously.

"ah, ok ok... i was worried it was something i said.." the corner of his lips tugged upwards as a small rush of relief washed over.

"is.. that what you wanted to talk to me about?"

"yea, well, and i wanted to still offer you that drink" he couldn't help but smirk as he noticed the light flush of pink painting your cheeks.

you paused for a second. "...well, the thing is i just don't really usually drink..."

"yea, and you usually don't go to parties." he chuckled.

he did make a good point. you didn't, so why would you draw the line at your new experiences now. one drink, that's all. it would be fine right?

"that's also true," you smiled, still feeling anxious, but now having a burning curiosity about him. "sure, i'll take one drink"

he nodded satisfied and before you could register anything, his hand moved to your lower back ever so slightly, just to guide the two of you back towards the kitchen.

the simple feeling of his hand just barely grazing, hovering, over your back was sending waves of electricity through your body.

"so, class prez, what are you doing out at a college party tonight?"

"oh.. um, well it was sort of yunjin and sunoo's idea. i wasn't super on board but... i was curious since i'd never been before."

"ah, i see. i was surprised to see you here." he chuckled, "well, i think everyone was" -

you were about to respond when his voice continued on,

"pleasant surprise though," he said ever-so casually.

you gulped down the knot in your throat and tried to steady your racing heartbeat, but thankfully, before you knew it, you reached the kitchen.

you nervously leaned against the counter while he poured the two of you some drinks before he went to pass you the cup. you hadn't yet looked down, hand reaching for the cup, "thank yo-" then you saw it. his hand.

his awfully familiar, perfectly veiny hand, that just so happened to have 2 identical silver rings on the exact fingers gamer.lhee also frequently had ones on.

you couldn't even finish your sentence before you mumbled something along the lines of 'you had to go', before embarrassingly turning around and completely sprinting away from him.

not long after your disappearing act with heeseung you stayed on the other side of the house, hidden behind yunjin and sunoo, before you managed to make a good enough excuse to leave.

—

after you had gotten home that night, you refused to even look at his page. although that was all your mind wanted to do, to end the burning question and just try and confirm or not confirm that it was him. but you couldn't. not when it felt so possible. not when you knew you had to be in class with him tomorrow.

you attempted to get as good of a night's rest as you could. but it wasn't much, not when you basically got home at 1 am, and weren't able to shut your brain off until around 3 before you could sleep. leaving you with approximately only 5 hours of sleep the next day.

in the morning, you got ready for class, your usual almost uniform-like attire. you just prayed you'd be able to make it through the day without anyone asking about you at the party last night. and above all, not running into heeseung.

you were so embarrassed, you honestly had no clue what you would be able to say to him. it's not like the two of you interacted much, anyways. so why would it be different? yea! it will be fine!

besides before the conversation you two had at the party, you weren't even aware you shared the same literature and physics class, meaning he probably typically sat far across the room from the spot you always sat in. so in theory, all you had to do was try and focus and not think about whether you could feel his eyes lingering on you or not.

however you did not plan for what you saw when you walked into your literature class. lee heeseung, already there, sitting in your chair. sure, there wasn't technically, 'assigned seats' but everyone in the class knew, you sat in that spot every single class.

karma. you weren't sure what for, but this had to be some kind of cruel form of karma. you stood in the doorway for a little too long, to where students now had to nudge past you to get inside the classroom. you were just trying to think of any possible way out of this interaction. but you couldn't avoid him forever. you took a deep breath, fully aware your cheeks had definitely started to turn pink, before walking over to your seat.

heeseung instantly looked up at you with a smirk painting his face, "what? i just figured I'd see how the class president's view of the classroom looks." he shrugged.

"well... now that you've tested it out, could i possibly have my seat back?"

"i don't know... now that i've tried it out, i realized how nice the view is... plus, i'm not doing that great in this class, i think maybe sitting closer will help me with my notes~"

"but-"

"well the seat right next to me is open, you should sit there. you don't mind if i just have yours for the day, right?"

he still wore the same playful smirk on his face, only leading to your face heating up more by the second. you briefly took a look around, at the room, and then the clock. noticing how it was only a couple minutes until the class was starting, and pretty much every empty seat had already filled except for the one next to heeseung.

you sighed and set your books down on the desk, and reluctantly took a seat next to him. before you could even appreciate the shared silence between you two for not even a minute,

"y'know, i didn't really expect you to be the type to ghost a guy mid-sentence."

you gulped and tried to come up with some better excuse but you had nothing.

"yea... um i'm really sorry about that, i don't usually do that or anything.."

he raised his eyebrows curious as to the actual reason to why you ran off, but he didn't push further, instead he chose to use it to tease you.

he chuckled lightly, "don't worry about it, you looked cute running away from me"

he said so matter-of-factly that your jaw almost dropped before you heard the professor speaking, causing the class to finally silence.

"ok class, everyone phones away"

the rest of class, you could barely focus. which was completely unlike you. you couldn't stop thinking about the words.. "pretty", "cute" replaying on loop in your head. as much as you wanted to just pay attention, you couldn't, not when he was only a couple feet away from you.

he easily took note of it too. subtly glancing over at your dazed, flustered expression throughout the entire class.

thankfully, the rest of the class no other words were exchanged. no more teasing or flirty remarks, you finally felt a bit of relief like that was the worst of what would come out of today. but heeseung, he had other plans, he was just starting. this was only your first of three shared classes of the day and his main goal was just to get your attention in every single one.

your next class, you got a break. and then it was on to the two last classes of the day, both of which you shared. economics, and physics.

when you got to your economics class, you took a look around, noticing he wasn't there yet. you quickly took your seat in your usual spot before yunjin joined on your left side.

"ugh, i am so tired," she whined to you,

"tell me about it..." you muttered underneath your breath. the class slowly filled as you chatted with your best friend for the remaining time before the class started. getting so distracted you forgot about heeseung. it wasn't until a little while into class, you heard a familiar voice whispering in your ear. your eyes went wide.

"hey, what page were we on again?"

heeseung. you had been so distracted you failed to even notice heeseung had came in and sat directly behind you.

you carefully turned your head just a little before realizing how close his face was to yours. "um-.. it's 32" you quickly whispered directing your attention back to the front of the room.

"thanks, pretty" he winked before leaning back into his own chair, smiling satisfied.

the heat instantly rose to your face upon hearing the familiar nickname again. the same one that ignited a visceral reaction within you that night at the party, due to the familiarity of the tone, the voice.

the remainder of the class, he continued making up excuses to teasingly lean over, whispering into your ear and your best friend was nothing short of intrigued.

as soon as the professor turned away from the class his lips were practically pressed up against your ear and you felt like you were going insane.

"hey, i missed that part, could i take a quick look at your notes?" he hummed quietly, face so close to yours you could feel his hot breath fanning your ear.

"s-sure, just.. quick" you muttered quietly afraid of being caught speaking while your professor was still mid-lecture.

you carefully passed your notebook over your shoulder, his hands taking it from yours, purposely brushing his fingers over yours in the process. - anxiously tapping the floor with your foot, waiting for him to give it back to you.

"are you almost done?" you slightly leaned to the side, whispering, as the professor had turned around and continued speaking, and you were anxious to have your notebook returned.

"yea, you want it back?" the boy smirked, not that you could see, but you could feel it through the smugness in his voice.

"say please~."

he cannot be serious. "what..?"

"just say please"

you sighed, ignoring the hammering of your heart against your chest.

"please?" you whispered, looking straight forward. but it was more than enough. right as the professor turned away for a brief second, he leaned over enough to place your notebook back onto your desk.

looking down, you quickly made yourself busy, continuing to take notes and try to stuff down all the emotions flowing through your body. that's when you noticed a tiny note written in the corner of your paper.

you look cute when you're blushing. ;)

and just like that you were sure your face was now completely red.

"hey are you okay?" yunjin leaned over noticing how red you were.

"yeah, i'm just hot.. it's a little hot in here" you muttered before removing your sweater.

thankfully the class was nearing the end, finally. as soon as the class was dismissed you quickly packed up your bag and grabbed yunjin's hand rushing the both of you out of the classroom.

"so... what the hell was heeseung doing all up in your space the whole class??"

"i don't know!"

"oh my god, that's why your face was red! you were blushing! do you have a crush on him?? since when?!"

"shut up!" you whispered trying to keep her from practically yelling about this in the hallway. "no! i don't, so since never."

"okayy well can't say the same for him..~" she giggled and you hit her arm.

"shut up. you're imagining stuff." you huffed before the both of you made it into your physics classroom.

this time you were determined to make sure he couldn't sit near you. quickly hopping into the seat next to jake and instructing yunjin to sit on your other side, before you also waved sunoo over, who had just come walking in the door to sit behind you. a sigh of relief left your mouth, seeing how all the seats in your close proximity had already been filled.

you hadn't even noticed heeseung walking in, and taking the seat across from yunjin.

"hey y/n!" jake smiled at you and your gaze lifted greeting him back with a friendly smile.

"hey jake!" - "how was the party last night? everyone was surprised to see you there, did you have fun?"

"oh yea, it was fun.. i guess, - not exactly my thing though." you chuckled quietly before continuing your friendly chit-chat with jake before the class eventually came to a start.

jake was easy to talk to. you two weren't exactly close, but closer than you and heeseung. jake was really good at physics. everyone knew that, so there were a few times he helped you out by offering a few quick study sessions after school at the library. so naturally the two of you did talk when it came to this class.

thankfully, the rest of this class went by smoothly. it was just about nearing the end before the professor announced you would be doing a partner assignment.

"so, pick someone to pair up with. this will be due next week, so please make sure to schedule some time outside of class to work on this with your partner. once you have chosen, before you leave today, just come write down your partnership!"

before you could think,

"hey, do you wanna be partners?" jake smiled, turning to you. and you almost sighed in relief. though yunjin, who had also turned to you, rolled her eyes.

"sure! honestly, i could use some extra help with this unit.. " you smiled to him before the two of you walked to the front of the class to write your names down.

none of which went un-noticed by heeseung. practically burning holes into his friends back. before he could stare any longer he got a backup plan in mind, turning to your best friend just before she had turned to sunoo. "hey, yunjin, do you wanna be partners?"

she was caught off guard at first but then she put 2 and 2 together figuring this was some effort to still get close to you. "sure" she smiled and sunoo rolled his eyes dramatically.

"ugh, i hate you both, you are both the worst." he pouted before turning to sunghoon, "sunghoon, do you have a partner?"

the boy pushed up his glasses before looking up "uh, no?"

"ok, now you do, come on," he said giving him almost no room to even argue before they both walked up to the front together as well.

after all of you had written down your partnerships you all exited the lecture hall agreeing to go to the library so you guys could plan what days you needed to get together to work on the assignment.

"y'know, why don't we all just get together at our house and we can all work together? heeseung was quick to suggest as soon as you all sat down.

"don't the three of you also share a dorm already?" he asked pointing to you yunjin and sunoo to which you all nodded.

"so, since jake, sunghoon, and i share a place and ours is bigger than a dorm, we should all just meet up together there." all of you looked around to see what everyone thought, and it was quickly agreed upon that that was a good idea.

not that you agreed necessarily, but you were quickly outnumbered, on top of that yunjin's enthusiasm was utterly confusing. you all agreed to meet up on friday to work on the assignment. all of you exchanging numbers before going on your separate ways.

—

the next few days rolled around and heeseung seemed to have let down on his teasing for a little bit, and thank god. because you were already stressed about friday the rest of the week. then, thursday came around. your phone dinged as you lay in your bed rolling around on your phone, seeing the notification pop up,

gamer.lhee is live now!

you hadn't even been on his page since the party last sunday. but you couldn't even deny how much you missed it without more time to think, you joined the stream.

you sat up feeling the heat rising to your face, he was fully clothed, the angle just showing his lap and his hands fidgeting with his rings while he chatted with those on the stream.

blushy.baby has entered the chat

"hi blushy.baby, welcome in~" he chuckled to himself, reading the username. oddly or maybe not, it reminded him of you. "cute username, reminded me of someone,"

who??

maybe he has a girlfriend?

maybe a crush?

the comments started rolling in, causing him to chuckle a bit more. "no, i don't have a girlfriend," he clarified, but carefully neglected the ones regarding if he had a crush or not. causing you to try and swallow the lump in your throat. intently watching between the screen and the chat room.

"blushy baby, joins but never talks~ is it because you're shy and blushy~?"

you felt the air get caught in your throat, hearing him single out your username. making your head spin, could he... know? fuck. no! i mean, it's probably not even lee heeseung. like you said, there's no way.

"it's okay, it's cute, i have a thing for cute shy girls." he hummed

blushy.baby: really?

"yes, something about.. about them, i don't know,.. maybe i have a corruption kink." he chuckled darkly before trailing off again ", proud of you for finally commenting something, baby. keep it up, yeah?"

and just like that you carefully squeezed your thighs together. fuck. it wasn't until now, when the comments were so direct, so personal, that you realized how much you loved hearing praises from him. if there was any way to keep you commenting, this was it.

blushy.baby: i will if you keep talking to me like that...

"oh yea?, you like being praised baby, hm? "

"- i was wondering what i should do for today's stream... maybe we can do some praising. maybe some guided masturbation? what do you pretty dolls think?"

the chat instantly sped up with enthusiasm and he chuckled at the eagerness.

"you're gonna be good for me, right?" he hummed his hand lightly grazing over his crotch area where you should start to see the outline of his boner growing.

"alright, now be a good girl for me and take off your pants first hm? dont worry ill follow along." he said as he carefully lifted his hips up in his chair before pulling down his pants leaving him in just his boxer briefs.

like you were put under some sort of trance, you set your phone down against your pillow before lifting your own hips and pulling down your pajama shorts leaving you in just your underwear.

"thats it, just like that," he hummed satisfied, and it almost felt like he could see you. like it was just you and him.

"okay, now leave your panties on, just touch outside for me, hm? just like this" his hand slowly started to stroke the outline of his hardened cock through the strained fabric of his boxers.

and you did the same, slipping your hand down cupping yourself, feeling the moistened material of your underwear clinging to your skin already. letting out a small helpless mutter.

"you're already wet for me arent you? dirty slut."

the sudden use of such degrading words, mixed with his still soft tone, and praises l make your hips shudder. you liked that too... really liked it.

"its ok though, b',cus you're my pretty little slut~, aren't you?" he cooed before letting a small deep chuckle breathe past his lips. he continued, painstakingly slowly stroking himself, the wet patch from his pre-cum leaking out now evident, only soaking you more as you stared at the screen and continued to palm yourself.

"ok lets get rid of these now too, they are in the way." he lifted his hips again just enough to slowly pull down his boxers simultaneously also pulling his shirt over his head. letting his big, stiff and hardened cock hit his stomach as it sprang out.

"look what you do to me.." he grabbed himself in his hand making sure the camera got a good angle of his angry red tip, leaking of pre-cum. "wish i could see what i do to you..." he hummed slowly starting to stroke himself.

on the other side of the screen you were practically drooling just at the sight. your hips needily rutting against your hand. before you too removed the last remaining of your clothes.

"go on, touch yourself." his voice was low and demanding. and it didn't take long for your fingers to slowly start circling your clit.

"mm, thats it baby" he hummed. "now, i want you to imagine its my fingers ok? not yours, mine touching you."

you gulped and closed your eyes doing just as he said and the second you let your imagination roam the better it felt. imagining what his large hands, long fingers would feel like all over you. having the precision that you lacked deeply.

"good girl." - "faster."

at this point, you could barely suppress the whines leaving your mouth, but fearing your roommates would hear you, you turned your head to the side muffling the sounds into the pillow as best you could.

"fuck, i wish i was inside you right now. wanna fuck your tight little cunt." he moaned lowly. and little did you know, the entire time he was thinking about you. about fucking you.

the dirtiness of the words made your brain start to feel weird and fuzzy. your pussy fluttered clenching helplessly around nothing. not even your fingers because still, you had yet to venture into doing anything other than stimulating your clit.

"fuck. im gonna cum. you wanna cum for me, hm baby?" his hand sped up the squelching sounds from the way he was fucking himself into his hand were pounding in your earbuds.

you mindlessly nodded your head as if he could see you, feeling the knot in your stomach building, you were so close.

"lets cum together, yeah? i wanna cum inside you." the sheer thought of that alone sent you flying over the edge the second the words left his lips.

and just like that he started to reach his high as well. imagining what it would feel like to stuff you full. "oh fuck, yes, im coming.." his moans got louder and you continued to rub messy circles on your clit as you rode out your high, your legs and hips shaking and squirming beneath your own touch.

your eyes fluttered open as you slowly started coming down from your immense high. seeing the lewd image on the screen, hee's hand still wrapped around his cock, messy, with cum dripping down everywhere.

"good girl, you did so good for me, pretty." he hummed sweetly. and in that moment you heard it again. not gamer.lhee, lee heeseung. 'pretty'.

it was him.

the sound rang in your ears all you could think about was what it would actually be like to actually be on the receiving end of those words. not through a screen. not to the thousands of others watching him. but to you and only you.

not long after that, the stream ended. leaving you with a world-wind of emotions. but it was already so late. you didn't have time or honestly even the capacity in your brain after all of that to think. you carefully cleaned yourself up before getting back into your bed and passing out almost immediately from exhaustion.

how the fuck. where you going to face him tomorrow.

—

the next morning when you finally woke up, you felt so nervous about the day that you felt physically sick. after the stream last night, it only strengthened your theory on whether or not gamer.lhee was lee heeseung.

you were almost sure of it. and there was no way you could face him today. but yet, you had to.

situation being what it is, you devised a plan, well. kinda. the plan basically entailed ignoring heeseungs presence at all costs. just focus on the project and jake. easy enough, right?

after the day of classes went by, you and your two best friends returned to your shared dorm to get ready before heading over to the boy's house.

"ok, what should we wear?" yunjin spoke almost excitedly as if you were going out to hang out with friends, not work on some boring assignment.

"um... i was gonna wear sweats? what is that not appropriate study attire?" you asked as you walked together through the dorm,

"no that's perfectly appropriate! that's what i was gonna wear too!" sunoo was quick to reassure you only to receive an elbow in the side from yunjin. "OW! what was that-" he rolled his eyes and clutched his side dramatically while giving him a face before continuing with you.

"like sweatshirt and sweatpants?"

"yes?"

"no."

"no?"

"no. how about sweats and a cropped baby tee? still cute but comfy!"

"what is up with you?? why do you care what i wear to work on a school project??" you quickly nipped back at her, unlike your usual demnor, but you were getting slightly irritated, confused as to what the reason for all of this was.

"ok seriously? y/n. heeseung has literally been flirting with you ever since the party, are you that clueless?? i saw all of it in class. plus pretty much all of his friends were eating you with their stares as well. and well, they are all hot. this is your chance!!"

"my chance for what exactly?" you questioned noticing the sudden warmth that had risen to your cheeks. quickly turning away as both of them followed into your room.

"like i don't know, a boyfriend, a sex friend? so many possibilities.." she giggled but not in the way that she was joking, in the way that she was completely and utterly serious. "and that means you admit it right? he was flirting with you!"

"you're crazy. and i don't know! ok! i don't know what's going on with him lately, he's being weird." you obviously were trying to deflect because you obviously couldn't believe let alone admit any of this yet.

"just trust me ok, ill be the best wing-woman, just let me help." she pleaded.

"no, not tonight i need to focus, i need to get a good grade on this project."

yunjin sighed dramatically. "ugh. fine, but you are wearing what i said. i won't interject anything, but the outfit I'm just gonna test a theory ok?"

"whatever.." you finally gave in, just hoping it would make her shut up, and it did. for now at least.

the three of you all got ready which didn't entail all that much since you were already coming from class. you changed into a pair of low-rise baggy grey sweats that pooled at your ankles and paired it with a basic white baby tee that was practically skin tight, just slightly cropped showing the tiniest bit of your stomach. leaving your hair down you fixed your already practically perfect curls, before touching up your flawless makeup.

"you guys ready?" you walked out into the living room finding sunoo, yunjin not far behind.

"yup!"

by the time you guys arrived at the boy's shared house, it was around 4:30pm. yunjin carefully knocked on the door and you anxiously shifted on your feet fidgeting with your school bag before the door was answered. it was jake. you sighed a little in relief.

"hey guys! come on in!" the fluffy-haired boy smiled and the three of you entered into the shared home.

"the guys are in the living room, it's pretty big so we figured we could all just work in there or if it's too loud we can split up around the house, i don't know whatever you guys think works we are cool with!"

jake smiled before leading you all to the living room, not before he got a nice look at you though. he hadn't really taken the time to notice how pretty you were. not until the party when everyone saw you outside of your school persona. but seeing you in his house, in daylight, in casual clothes you looked adorable.

once you reached the living room everyone started to greet each other slowly taking seats around. but as soon as you stepped foot in there you could feel a particularly heavy gaze set on you. heeseung.

you didn't even look at him but you knew it was him. and it was. he didn't even hold back the small lip bite as his eyes drank in your figure from top to bottom only to be brought back to reality when your best friend stepped in front of him.

there was a few other figures lingering around as well. it was jay and jungwon. i guess they didn't need a reason, this is their house but it felt a little strange before the two of them talked. just chatting and letting everyone know they were around if anyone needed help finding anything or food. it was clear though to most that they were just curious, as to what was going on, and more so who was in their house right now.

after everyone got sort of settled in different areas of the room, you and jake took a spot in the corner with some pillows on the floor and spread out your notes and textbooks. "so, did you look over any of the requirements yet?" jake spoke softly,

"oh, uh, no... not yet sorry.." your tone was quickly guilt-ridden and worried before jake was quick to reassure you.

"no, no problem at all, i already did so you didn't have to." he smiled, getting out the instructions given by your professor. "ill just give you a small run-down, and then we can work together on the rest, sound good?" you nodded.

"oh and let me know if im going too fast or you don't understand something, not that you won't... you are like the top student of the school. but just in case y'know,... i know physics isn't your favorite, so honestly, i don't mind doing most of the work!" he smiled reassuringly and for some reason it almost made you blush. you weren't sure exactly why, maybe because you two were finally in such close proximity alone together.

either way, what you hadn't noticed was how heeseung noticed. everything. his jaw was clenched starting holes into jake and you before yunjin brought him back to reality.

"ok, heeseung, could you stop eye-fucking y/n for at least like 5 seconds?"

"what?" heeseung looked back at her barely even acknowledging what she said.

"i agreed to be your partner, god knows why because i know you actually suck at this class, so come on please lets just get something done."

"oh yea... sure, sorry.." he sighed and redirected his focus to the papers infront of him.

about and hour and a half went by and everyone kept to themselves, or moreso, their partnerships. trying to get as much done as possible, before inevitably needing some sort of break.

"my brain hurts..." you whined slightly rubbing your temples. earning a small chuckle from jake.

"we make a pretty good team though, huh? look were almost done in one day!" he gestured down at your work proudly and heeseung overheard the whole thing, getting irritated he walked over to the two of you.

"hey y/n you okay?" your heart dropped hearing the framilar voice, slowly looking up to meet his face.

"oh yea... im fine" you muttered and jake looked up confused as well at the boys sudden approach.

"i just saw you rubbing your head, does it hurt? i have some tylenol if you need some,"

"oh shit, does it? i thought you were just joking around, let me go get some-" jake quickly went to stand up,

"no no!! im fine seriously, i think i just need some water and a snack or something, thats all!"

"say less," jake smiled getting up before offering his hand to help you off the ground aswell, earning a heavy eyeroll from heeseung.

"come on ill show you where we keep the best snacks" he smiled and gently brushed his hand across your lower back guiding you to the kitchen with him. a framilar feeling from when heeseung did the same exact thing to you at the party.

which heeseung instantly noticed and pissed him off even further.

"snacks? hell yea fuck this " sunghoon instantly stood up and so did the others everyone gravitating towards the kitchen for a small snack break.

heeseung followed closely behind the two of you, before he stopped biting his tongue, and decided he had enough of jakes hands on you.

heeseung swiftly came up behind jake,

"hey sim, pretty sure this project doesnt require such a hands-on approach." he glared before turning his direction towards you. jake just looked at his friend confused at the sudden passive aggressive comment.

"you good? you don't need jake to babysit you, right?" heeseung stepped between the two of you creating enough space between the two of you for his comfort. grabbing you a bottle of water from the fridge. "here, and let me know if your head gets worse and you need the tylenol, hm?"

heeseungs sudden attentiveness had your heart racing and your stomach fluttering. and the tension between him and jake was palpable now. you tried to make sure to maintain your composure (you weren't.)

because when you reached out to take the water bottle from his hand you instantly had flashbacks to last night. that hand, his hand, his voice, him. you nearly dropped it when the boy caught it and handed it to you again "careful there pretty, you sure you're okay? –" he leaned in subtly enough to where it wouldn't look suspicious. "or do i just make you nervous" he smirked quickly pulling back before casually taking a seat.

the others were all already sitting around the kitchen table, snacks in hand chatting and eating. You took a seat in the only empty chair, almost as if it was intentional, the only seat open was between both jake and heeseung. You reluctantly sat down anxiously sipping on your water, almost completely silent as the rest of the group chatted among themselves.

"wait, guys i have an idea.." yunjin suddenly speaks up and the misciclanious chatter quiets. "lets play a game... y'know, as a break while were here, - how about truth or dare?"

everyone looks around but it doesnt take but a couple seconds for everyone to agree. partially because all of you were so bored, but mostly because it gave everyone an excuse to procrastinate for a little while longer.

"i'm down" jake and sunghoon immediately responded in which heeseung followed.

"can we play too?" jay and jungwon walked up hearing the commotion from the kitchen.

"the more the merrier!" sunoo clapped his hands excitedly and you almost let your whole head fall on the counter hoping it would hit hard enough to knock you out.

"who wants to go first?"

"ill go!" jungwon quickly volunteered

"ok, truth or dare jungwon?" yunjin asks sitting up on her elbows.

"truth"

"If you had to survive the zombie apocalypse with one person in this room, who would it be?"

jungwon sighed as he looked around thinking deeply about his answer.

"shit... i dont know i feel like im probably fucked with all of you to be honest but, maybe jay or jake? I know jay can fight, and well jake is studying in healthcare so he could probably help keep me alive.."

"yess sirr!" jake chuckled and posed proudly while jay laughed, nodding.

"ok sure, but don't make it seem like i just go around beating people up won..."

the rest of the group went back and forth between some light hearted and casual truths + dares. heeseung, casually pulled out his phone, opening his twitter and deciding to tweet an update to his account as he frequently would. but it was weird,

at the exact same time he tweeted, your phone which was upside-down next to your arm buzzed. weird.

i mean obviously everyone gets notifications, he shouldn't have thought that much of it, but the timing was so perfect. he decided to send another one, and surely enough, your phone buzzed again. his eyebrows immedialty raised. no fucking way.

gamer.lhee: ??

he tweeted a third time, just a random series of question marks and right on time, your phone buzzed, a third and fourth time. and there you were, completely oblivious as to what was happening. too busy listening to the others playing the game to even notice your phone buzzing on the table.

he really had no way to prove it but he had to try. and the fact you were all playing truth or dare made it even easier. he quickly set his phone down and re-focused his attention to the rest of the group.

"ok, heeseung, you haven't gone yet, truth or dare" yunjin smirks and you can only pray to god she doesn't say anything stupid, but you know her.

"truth"

"who in this room would you trust the most with a secret?"

perfect.

"y/n." heeseung quickly and casually responds, to which his best friend gasp offenedly.

"dude are you serious, in a room full of your best friends??" jake scofs

heeseung shrugs, "i don't know, something just tells me that y/n is really good at keeping secrets."

you immediately turned your head, feeling your heartbeat quicken, so fast that it had you debating if you would go into cardiac arrest. why... how.. why would he,,.. why would he say that??? he can't know. how would he know.

you just looked up at him flustered and confused and he just shrugged again keeping the same smug smirk on his face. "am i wrong?" he asked but this time quiet and directed at you.

"ok my turn to ask!" sunoo shouted excitedly, seeing that the questions and dares were starting to pick up in the heat.

"y/n, truth or dare?"

your eyes widened like a warning towards sunoo instantly. what best friends they are. you were practically begging him with your look to go easy on you but you knew he wasn't.

you rubbed your temples trying to gauge which choice would be less lethal. truth, right?

"truth, i guess.."

"ok, when was the last time you thought about kissing someone..." he pauses briefly before finishing the question, "- in this room?"

your face said everything.

"oh?" sunghoon raised his eyebrows curiously as pretty much everyone in the room, except for 3 people seemed surprised. yunjin, sunoo, and heeseung. who wore a smug smirk on his face.

"oh? so, recently then?" sunoo teases further only causing your face to redden even more.

jake quickly also turned his attention to you, although he didn't want to make you even more embarrassed, so he said nothing. just sat in silence wondering who it could be. feeling a slight twinge of jealousy.

"n-no.." your voice quickly betrayed you as your words stumbled out in a stutter. "i don't, i mean, - i haven't thought about,.. kissing, anyone! , ever!"

"you are literally such a bad lair." yunjin scofs

jake quickly noticed how red your face was, and whilst heeseung was relishing in your flustered state, jake quickly took it into his hands to help his partner out of the situation.

"ok my turn, no one has asked me yet!" jake says to the group eyes starting to re-direct to the boys.

"ok, truth or dare jake" jay quickly replies

"dare"

"do your best impression of one of us"

jake carefully looks around before his eyes locked on his target for a second. jake proceeds to sassily cross his arms and roll his eyes hard, before giving jay a nasty side eye. collectively everyone started laughing

"sunoo." the group almost said in unison, as they continued laughing at jakes sassy impression of sunoo.

"hey!" sunoo snapped back but he couldn't even argue as it was completely accurate.

"ok, seriously though this was fun, we should get back to working now though," jake says while others boo and sigh

"hey i never said we couldn't continue this another time?" the rest of the group agreed and everyone went back into their spots in the living room.

everyone slowly got back into working on their projects and jake could tell your mind was elsewhere, so he without asking took on most of the work finishing up the project.

"hey y/n? can i ask you something?"

you turned quickly meeting the boys gaze,

"sure, what is it?" he paused for a minute before he asked you quietly, wanting to make sure no one overheard.

"is there something going on between you and heeseung?"

you eyes widened taken aback by jakes question,

"no, why..?" you quickly responded

"oh, i dont know, it just kinda seems like theres something going on between the two of you lately..."

"theres not! well.." you paused as you thought back to the night of the party. maybe he already told the guys what happened?

"well?"

"did he ever tell any of you what happened at the party?"

jake raised his eyebrows and shook his head, "no, did something happen between you two at the party?"

"no! well sorta... i just, he offered me a drink and i said yes and then i sorta.... ran away.."

you looked down fidgeting with your fingers. honestly you found jake easy to open up too. he was someone who was easy to talk to and instantly made anyone feel comfortable in his presence. so it wasnt hard to be truthful with him. it felt nice honestly.

its not like you couldn't talk to your best friends, its just that, you knew as soon as you did it would make it real. because they would encourage you, and you weren't exactly sure if thats what you wanted yet. with jake, he just was there to listen.

"why? - i mean, whyd you run away?"

"honestly... i dont know" you lied. obviously you couldn't tell him the full truth. you couldn't tell anyone.

"hey, well, if you ever need someone to talk to know that im around" he smiled warmly before playfully reaching over and ruffling your hair.

"i know yunjin and sunoo are great but its obvious they aren't always the most subtle people..." jake chuckled to which you did as well.

"yea, tell me about it."

"im here to listen, and i promise anything you tell me ill keep to myself." he smiled and you could tell he was being genuine.

"thanks jake" you smiled back warmly

"hey, at least we got the project done! no one else seemed to finished today. i bet we will get a 100%" he smiled bumping your arm and heeseung took note of the giggles and closeness clenching his jaw.

"you like her, dont you?"

heeseung snapped his head back to yunjin,

"is it that obvious?"

"hm, not really, well to me yea, but i dont think anyone else has noticed."

heeseung sighed as he admitted his feelings for the first time ever.

"good luck with that, she hasnt dated anyone since like middle school."

"so are you gonna help me out or what?"

"eh, maybe,– maybe if we get a good grade on this assignment."

heeseung sighs like hes doomed bc he knows whatever grade the both of them got on the project would be purely based off if yunjin knew what she was doing, because he did not.

"you are such an idiot, why do you think i agreed to be your partner when she partnered up with jake? its obvious that was the only reason you even asked me. "

"thanks," he smiled

"yea yea, whatever, u should probably hurry up, looks like jake thinks he has some sort of a chance too," she said and both of them shifted their direction to the two of you.

heeseung clenching his jaw as he saw the way jakes hand brushed over your arm.

"does she like him?" he asked gaze still fixated on the both of you.

"no idea, she doesnt talk about any of that, shes always so focused on school i havent heard anything about her having a crush in years."

the conversation slowly simmered out and heeseung got another idea as he saw you finally open your phone. he quickly pulled up his twitter account before tweeting again

gamer.lhee: "you watching me, angel?"

your face immediately turned red seeing the notification, clicking on it and seeing the previous ones. that's when it clicked. the whole time your ringer had been on. he was testing you. he knows.

you quickly stood up and excused yourself to the bathroom, something that was seeming to become a habit now. heeseung followed behind before his arms cornered you against the hallway wall.

"heeseung, what are you-"

he leaned in, dangerously close, lips almost brushing against your ear.

"do you also get this flustered when you watch me at night too?"

- tbc.

dont forget to reblog if you enjoyed it!!! <3 super helpful and appreciated!!

note: also feel free to comment and let me know what you thought of this chapter!! im open to hearing feedback and whatever you guys enjoyed so i can make the next one better!! ^.^ tysm for reading!! hopefully i didnt make too many errors lol..

taglist!: @yohanabanana @heebear @4eeseungz @wonniewonsblog @yangjungwonnie @eugenia29-blog1 @merwdusa @river-demon-slayer @planetmarlowe @woniesbae @ad1m4ise @allthesqueaks @yoonglestangies @clxodyvesprr @millis-diary @immelissaaa @penny44224 (lmk if you'd like to be added <3!)

[uncloseted]

1/2 Is mental illness a chemical imbalance or do I have something wrong with my brain or a personality disorder lol. I have bad anxiety that just compounds on itself and worsens every day until I spiral with major depression and ocd and I feel like I'm going insane and heading for a breakdown. The second I try a new medication for the first time its like suddenly all these thoughts flush out my brain and I'm fine and normal. This never lasts long maybe a week as my body grows accustom to

2/2 the meds and everything comes back. It's like my brain wants something new in it to 'reset' itself. This feeling happened the first time I took SSRIs and then again when I first took ADHD meds. I'm going to talk to my psychiatrist about it but I don't know how to explain it in a way that sounds normal. I don't ever feel high on these meds, it's truly a feeling of unplugging a drain and all the bad thoughts going away for a week until the meds stop working and the sink refills

The answer to this question is much more complicated than you might expect. The idea that mental illness is a "chemical imbalance" actually isn't super well supported. Mental illness is caused by the intersection of a number of different factors that produce a constellation of symptoms. For example, in major depressive disorder, neurobiological, genetic, and environmental factors contribute to changes in brain structure, function, and chemistry that create the symptoms we think of as "depression" - feeling sad, empty, or hopeless, losing interest in things that were once pleasurable, thoughts of death, etc. So in this sense, the answer to your original question is kind of that they're all the same- something being "wrong" with your brain can include a chemical imbalance and the result can be a personality disorder or another mental illness.

In terms of what's happening in your brain when you start a new medication, I don't really have any idea. I'm not a doctor or a therapist, and I'm definitely not your doctor or therapist. This is a good thing to bring up with your psychiatrist, since they know your unique history and what medications you've already tried. My best guess is that maybe you're experiencing something of a placebo effect- your brain is expecting to feel better, so it does, even if the medication isn't working yet. That's not to say that the relief you're feeling isn't real or that it's "all in your head". Rather, it's to say that our bodies are incredibly powerful, and all sorts of things can impact how we feel. But again, I would really recommend bringing this up with your psychiatrist and seeing what they say. They're the only person who can help you find a medication that provides more lasting effects.

[realm-sweet-realm]

Repeating the Cycle

I thought I’d write a little story about ink infection, as well as Sammy’s role after he was transformed. It’s inspired by Shazzbaa’s theories (I’d say which, but we don’t want spoilers, now do we?)!

I’ll tell you guys later tonight about the future writing projects I have planned.

---

Sammy awoke in his sanctuary, as he had many times before. He hadn’t been to his apartment in... well, days anyhow. He felt better when he was near the ink. He tried the door to exit his private sanctuary, and it was locked. “Is this a sign?” he asked his lord. “Is it time?”

Yes, his lord spoke back.

Sammy smiled- smiled rather weakly, as the pain from his ink infection had been wearing on him heavily. “Finally.”

All the waiting. All the sickness. All the fear. It was time to see what it was all for. And his lord had assured him, with the comforting voice of a father to a young son, that it would be worth it.

Sammy dragged himself over to the leaking pipe that hung from the ceiling of his sanctuary and turned on the ink supply. Ink sputtered down onto Sammy’s face and clothes, and he fell to his knees, hands outstretched and mouth open as though he was staring into heaven itself. His heart was pounding. He was shaking from adrenaline, and not even being surrounded with, covered in, and consuming the ink that normally numbed his symptoms seemed to be helping. This had to be fear instead of withdrawal.

Do not be afraid, the voice comforted, you will have ascended in mere hours. I promise, you will be safe and healthy. I promise, it will be better than anything you’ve ever experienced.

“Thank you! Bendy, hear my praise! I want what you have for me! I crave your embrace!”

Sammy took a long suck of ink from the pipe, then laid down on the floor. He was weak. so weak.

That’s it. You’ve made it. You need only wait now.

Sammy trusted Bendy. Bendy told him that everything he’d done and experienced in his life- even the nightmarish last few years- was leading to something. It told him that everything was okay.

Sammy didn’t know how much time had passed when he felt Joey tying up his ankles. With some struggle, he sat up and tried to push Joey off of him, but it had little effect. Before long, Joey had finished on Sammy’s ankles and was straddling his chest to tie up his hands. The last thing he saw with his biological eyes was Joey’s knife slitting his throat.

When Sammy woke up, the voice of his lord was gone. By trying to make a toon out of him, Joey had robbed him of his ascension and severed his connection to him.

---

Grant awoke in his office to the horrid ticking of his Bendy clock and the array of whispering voices that had plagued him since early in his infection. The clock’s small hand pointed to six, but Grant had no idea whether it was morning or evening. Months of ink infection had ruined his sense of time. He tried the door to his office and found that it had been locked from the outside by chain and padlock. Grant laughed at the absurdity of it all- his life had spiralled into a nightmarish fever dream.

“Does this mean it’s time?” Grant asked.

Yes. Your time is almost up, the voice answered, and for once, Grant trusted it. He felt almost too tired from illness to care.

“I’ll do anything you ask to stop it.”

No response, except for those muttered voices. Grant hadn’t expected one- the voice rarely had his best interests in mind. He shuffled over to his desk and pushed aside some papers to go back to sleep- possibly for the last time.

And then he saw it- a report from Joey that he’d received mere days before his symptoms had started- ending with the words “Fix this or I’ll have your head!” angrily scrawled at the bottom.

That was it. Joey had done this to motivate him. He just had to figure out how to keep the studio from bankruptcy and he’d be cured!

Yes! Yes! You’re right. Fix it! the voice yelled.

Adrenaline flooded Grant’s system as he jerked open his filing cabinet with shaking hands in search of the necessary files to fix the budget. This was his one chance to survive. The muttering voices were screaming in his head- ear-piercing. His head felt ready to explode.

“Shut up and let me focus!” he screamed.

Ink will soothe your symptoms.

That was something that the voice had told him frequently. He hadn’t given in to it yet- not much, anyhow- because common sense told him that ink was inedible. It was also his sincere belief that the voice wanted to kill him. The voice had told him, back before the physical symptoms had become obvious, that he was merely losing his mind and needed to hide it from everyone, lest he be institutionalized. Then, as soon as the physical symptoms had taken root, it had changed its tune- he was losing his mind, because he was ill with an incurable, supernatural disease, and no hospital could help him, and going to one would only guarantee that he would be a test subject for the limited time he had left. Listening to it then had gotten him into this position, and he wasn’t eager to listen to it again.

But this was life or death. He opened the supply on the ink pipe that Thomas- for some reason he didn’t understand- had installed in his office, and drank deeply.

The voice- the muttering- the headache- it all stopped. Silence. Finally.

Grant’s hands were covered in ink now, and were sure to soak any paper he used. I can’t let that stop me. He dropped to his knees and started painting calculations on the floor.

The numbers didn’t add up. Not a single one. Was his mind was too frayed to do basic mathematical functions?! How could he fix anything, let alone this insurmountable debt, while he could barely think straight?! Calm down. Stay calm. Try again. Life or death. Time is money. What will Joey say?!

From the cracks within the wall, Sammy watched as Grant spiralled into panic and tears, and turned his office inside out trying to find anything that could help, expressing his fears through wall-writing, and attempting escape the room. Poor thing, Sammy thought, remembering the pain and uncertainty of his own ink infection, but soon I’ll be able to teach him the truth.

It had been years since Sammy’s sacrifice. Not only did Sammy still work for Joey now that he was a failed toon, Joey had him on a schedule. Every day at 11:00 AM, Sammy would ooze through the walls of Joey’s office for their morning meeting. Sammy wasn’t particularly happy about doing anything for the man who had turned him into a failed Boris just as he was about to fulfill a higher destiny, but the voice had once told him that to follow Joey was to follow his lord, and now those previous words (which Sammy had recorded and studied every day) were all he had left as a doctrine to follow. Sammy hoped that with enough obedience and service, his lord would see past his ruined body and grant him his destiny.

Joey’s demands were often difficult, but they were simple: sacrificing specific people into specific toons, and looking after the infected. Joey rarely sacrificed people on his own anymore, and instead relied on Sammy to do the dirty work of knocking people out, killing them on pentagrams, and then dealing with the resulting dead body, blood and ink-stains on the floor, and whatever abomination came out of the ink machine. Looking after the ink-infected was easier: keep an eye on them, and once they become too infected to be useful, lock them in their offices or in infirmary rooms and take them to their prison in the basement come night. Sammy had overseen the infection of nearly thirty people by now and had sacrificed dozens.

Thankfully, Joey’s demands were not very time-intensive, and he had plenty of time for his passion: teaching the lost ones about their lord and saviour, Bendy.

The lost ones lived in a prison in the very basement of Joey Drew Studios, along with the failed toons. Sammy’s sermons were some of the only times they were allowed out of their cages, and so they were always happy to see him.

Some agreed with him. Often, these were the same ones who had heard a comforting voice as they were infected- generally those with a religious background. Others thought him insane. Their voice had been different- wrong- hallucinatory- and quite often threatening. Sammy had these lost ones do penance in order to find their way to Bendy. Some found him, leaving Sammy feeling accomplished, but also jealous that he could never have what they had. Hopefully, his lord would see the wonderful work he was doing and one day ascend him along with the rest of them- because surely, that was not their final form.

Today’s meeting was like any other. Sammy waited in the walls until Joey’s 10:30 client left, and then slithered out before him.

“Anything to report?” Joey asked casually, as he looked over some paperwork. These meetings were usually uneventful.

“Two people are currently under quarantine. Three more are infected but still able to work for now. Everything is fine- except for one small detail. One of the people under quarantine is destroying his office out of fear. If you’d like, I could tie him up snug until he transforms, or force-feed him ink to speed the process along.”

Joey considered this. "Hmm... well, I do need an Edgar. He would work as well as any. Are you sure he’s close to transforming?” All ink-infected people had strange beliefs and delusions (except for Sammy, of course- his visions were absolute truth), but by this point in their infection, they were generally too tired to do anything destructive- especially ones like this one, who had increased the duration of their infection by resisting the urge to drink ink.

“It will be a matter of hours,” Sammy assured.

“Well, that’s not convenient, but I do have lunch right after this. I’ll get the Charley down to the basement, and you get the Barley and Edgar. The Barley’s name is Lacie Benton, and I’d suggest you knock her out before taking her anywhere- she’s a tough one. But the Edgar shouldn’t be a problem, right?”

“No... I suppose not.” Severely ink-infected people were, without exception, very weak, and Sammy was stronger now than he’d ever been as a human.

“Alright! See you down there as soon as possible.”

Sammy nodded, slunk back into the walls, and cursed everything, especially his order to obey Joey Drew. A severely ink infected person had never, and would never, produce a good toon- part of their souls had already been connected to the other lost ones. Joey must have known that, but he still insisted on stealing the people that were meant to be Sammy’s to guide, probably because in Joey’s mind, killing a person was murder but killing a lost one (or someone who soon would be a lost one) was not. Joey didn’t see his people as equally human, and it sickened Sammy. Nonetheless, he slithered through the walls until he came upon Grant’s office.

The office looked like a madhouse. The floors and walls were coated with repetitive writing. Furniture had been strewn about. Grant himself was curled against the ink pipe in his office, covered in so much ink that Sammy had thought he was already transformed before he realized he still had hair. The poor thing had tried so hard, while so sick, at something so futile. Sammy had his orders, but he wasn’t going to lay a hand on his sheep-that-wouldn’t-be until he had to.

Sammy slithered out of the wall- slowly, so as not to scare him.

“Who are you?” Grant asked. He sounded so tired of all the supernatural surprises that he barely cared.

“I’m here on behalf of Joey Drew,” Sammy began.

“I’m so sorry. I tried... but I couldn’t. I suppose you’re here to kill me, aren’t you?”

“No. I’m here to give you congratulations. The others in your department were able to use these brilliant calculations,” Sammy gestured widely at the messily scrawled gibberish on a wall, “to make a plan. The studio is going to avoid bankruptcy, and you’re going to be cured. Come with me.” Sammy offered Grant his hand. Grant took it, and Sammy helped him up.

“I-I don’t understand. I don’t understand how-” All of those calculations... Grant would have guessed that they were worthless.

“Shh... you’ll be clearer-headed soon. Just come with me, now. I can’t be out there where everyone can see me, but go to the elevator, go to the bottom floor, and I will be there. I promise- you will be fine.”

“Thank you so much. But, my door-”

Sammy slithered back into the wall. Grant heard the click of a door unlocking, followed by the clink of chains falling limp. His office door was unlocked. Do I trust him? Grant asked himself. This day kept getting stranger. If I don’t, I’m guaranteed to die. I have nothing to lose.

Sammy slithered into the wooden floor of the elevator and only reappeared once the elevator hit the very bottom.

“I’m sorry,” Sammy lamented “I want to lead you to Bendy. I want you to find peace as one of my followers. But it is not in the cards.”

The two made brief eye contact- or would have, if Sammy’s face weren’t covered in mask. Grant, obviously, had no idea what Sammy was talking about. Then, Sammy grabbed Grant’s hair, slammed his head against the wall a few times to knock him out, tied him up for sacrifice, and left to find Lacie Benton.

[secretobsessionstuff]

hi hi! i hope you’re doing well & happy almost halloween! if you’re taking requests i’d love to read some sick riley :’) perhaps he gets in the shower to help him feel better but he ends up feeling really ill and pukes in the shower, madix hears the commotion and rushes in to take care of him? please remember that you are loved & you are valued!!! have a good halloween!! :)

Thank you Anon! You are a beautiful human being ❤ Happy super late Halloween lol. 

Every muscle in Riley’s body was screaming when he finally got home from class. His shoulders were knotted like a knitted blanket, and the rest of him sure felt like there was a weighted blanket draped over his back. If only his body temperature felt the same way. He would gladly have wrapped himself in a quilt if it meant that his chill would disappear. He torturously climbed the stairs and dragged himself into the bedroom where Madix was working at his desk. Madix was deep in his own work, so he gave his boyfriend a quick kiss on the head after dropping his stuff on the floor.

“You’re back already? Madix said, looking up from his textbook with confusion on his face. “Wait, what time is it?” He hastily looked around for his phone. “Well crap, I didn’t know it was so late. I haven’t prepared anything for dinner.”

“That’s okay,” Riley mumbled. He had his arms wrapped around Madix’s neck and was leaning on him heavily. Like always, he buried his face in his boyfriend’s neck and bombarded him with kisses. He may or may not have been trying to leech some of his warmth. “I’m not hungry anyway.”

With his right hand, Madix scratched the fluffy head of hair that was nuzzled into body. “Mmh, you’re warm.”

“I’m really not.” Riley released Madix from his hug so that he could wrap his arms around himself. “I’m fucking freezing.”

Once free from the hug, Madix immediately dragged Riley back to him by tugging at his shirt. “Come closer for a sec.” Before Riley could object, Madix cupped his hand under his boyfriend’s chin. Unfortunately, he wasn’t looking for another kiss. He ran his hand up to Riley’s forehead.

“Mads, I’m fine.” Riley grabbed his wrist.

“Tell your body that.”

“I’ll be sure to pass along the message.” Riley shook his head and started for the door. “Now, I’m gonna go take a hot shower.”

With his swivel chair, Madix spun himself so he could face Riley as he walked away. “Wait baby, you feel like you’ve got a temperature.”

Riley shrugged. He knew how Madix could get with stuff like this. He just wanted a goddamn shower to warm him up. “I’ve always got a temperature, that’s how humans work.”

“Ah yes,” Madix replied, “but yours feels alarmingly higher than normal.”

“Bye, Madix,” Riley said with a wink.

“Wait –”

“Love you.”

And Riley walked out of the room, but as he did, he felt a little lightheaded. Oh well, it’s nothing that a nice shower couldn’t fix. The decision to skip dinner seemed like a pretty good one, he thought, as he turned the water on to heat it up. His stomach was swirling beneath his palm, but that wasn’t his main focus. His main focus was to stop the chattering of his teeth before he cracked them. Taking off his clothes caused even more goosebumps to rise on his skin, which he tried to ignore as the water took its sweet time to heat up.

Once the hot water hit him, Riley melted into a pool of relief. Madix’s worry was probably justified given how achy Riley felt, but he was content to let the water wash away his soreness. He stood under the running water, not even washing his body, until his skin turned pink. Whenever he took hot showers, the colours of the world seemed dim and his vision seemed to blur. Closing his eyes was better but even then, he felt himself sway. A few times, he needed to reach out his hand towards the wall to keep from falling.

As expected, the shower did wonders to help with how cold he was, but now he never wanted to leave. Also, the shower was regrettably not doing anything to help with the churning of his stomach. It was after a wet belch that Riley thought maybe he was sicker than he thought. The burp rolled up his throat and left him with nausea so intense that he braced himself against the wall.

A sick gurgle emanated from his belly, which he could see was bloated. He put his palm flat against his stomach and felt it ripple under his hand. With his hand still on his midriff, his body shook suddenly as a retch tore up his throat. He felt his belly heave, causing him to double over.

As a surge of vomit came rushing up his mouth, he extended his arm to keep himself from slipping, but managed only in knocking a bunch of shampoo bottles onto the floor. A cacophony of noises echoed around the bathroom as the bottles clattered at his feet and a wave of sick splattered against the bottom of the tub.

That’s when Madix started knocking on the bathroom door. Well actually the knocking was more of a quick courtesy before barging in. “Ry, what was that sound? Are you okay?”

Riley wanted to answer but he was still in the process of emptying his stomach. He belched and a thick wave of puke fell from his lips.

“Oh boy, gotcha,” Madix said as he did a little jump on his toes. Without thinking too much about what he was doing, he pushed aside the shower curtain and got in. He was only thinking about the terrible sounds his boyfriend made with each heave, not the fact that he was fully clothed.

“Madix what’re –” Riley began but a gag cut him off. This time he was in no danger of slipping because Madix held onto him. He doubled forward and watched as another gush of puke spiraled down the drain. He wanted to speak but his stomach had other ideas.

And man, could Madix feel the boy’s stomach at work. With his hand on Riley’s belly, he felt it spasm and lurch. “I’ve got you. You’re okay, don’t worry about me.”

Even between bouts, how could Riley not worry about Madix? He was getting soaked, not to mention probably splashed with stomach contents. And it was all in the name of love. How romantic.

After a couple smaller waves, Riley finally had the chance to catch his breath. He first turned off the shower and then turned to face his dripping boyfriend.

Both boys stood there shivering. Oddly, Madix wore a faint smirk. A sick Riley was no laughing matter, but he couldn’t help the grin from appearing on his face.

“You’re insane,” Riley said with water droplets hanging off the ends of his hair.

Madix looked down at his drenched clothing. “It would seem that way, wouldn’t it?”

Riley coughed and cleared his throat excessively. Turning away from Madix, he spat onto the floor of the tub. Still shivering and still wobbly.

“Alright, let’s get you dried off,” Madix said as he helped his boyfriend out of the shower. “Apparently the fever wasn’t what I should have been worried about.” He grabbed two towels and began drying Riley’s skin – his burning skin, Madix couldn’t help but notice. “Still, I wish you wouldn’t have taken such a hot shower.”

“I’m sorry,” Riley stuttered out through chattering teeth. “I should have listened to my body.”

“Really? Just your body?” Madix asked as he took off his shirt. It stuck to his torso, making it difficult to undress. “There’s no one else who maybe expressed concern?”

Riley hoped that was a rhetorical question because he didn’t have much energy to come up with a clever reply. Of course, he could have given the correct answer, but they both knew it already. Instead, he settled on a more pressing matter. “I’m a little dizzy.”

“Why don’t you sit down.” Madix said, suddenly looking much more serious as he watched Riley’s eyes come in and out of focus. “How’s your stomach feeling?”

“Bad”

“Okay yeah, then you sit by the toilet and I’ll get us both clothes.”

Shirtless and now cold himself, Madix left his boyfriend on the floor for a few minutes while he changed into dry clothes. He cam back soon enough with plaid pajama pants and an old shirt for Riley. Upon return, he found his boyfriend shivering like a madman with his mouth hovering over the toilet bowl. The towel slipped form his shoulders while he burped up a thin stream of bile.

“Oh baby,” Madix cooed as he joined his boyfriend on the floor. “I’m sorry you feel so sick.”

“I’m cold.” Great! He was back where he started: Freezing. Only this time he was substantially more miserable.

Madix rubbed a light hand over Riley’s back. “When you get the chance, I brought you cozy pjs.”

“And a blanket?”

“I tell you what,” Madix began, “when your stomach settles, I’ll get you all set up in bed with a bucket. Does that sound good?”

Like a child swaddled in a towel (feel free to imagine one with animal ears on the hood) Riley nodded shyly, and sniffled.

[kaiunkaiku]

Could you do some Todoroki sickfic (emeto if you can) where he just kind of pushes through and tries not to let anyone know because he’s only ever been treated like he’s weak and useless when sick. And when the other students in the dorms find out they fuss over him and he doesn’t know how to take being taken care of like that. Also I just found your blog tonight and I love it!

I have discovered that writing Todoroki is exhausting and writing Midoriya is plain weird and doesn’t feel right, but I enjoyed writing this nonetheless. Emeto isn’t really my niche and I find writing it hella difficult, so here’s an attempt.

This is like vaguely 2nd/3rd year, Tododeku and Kiribaku are established, and even though it’s not mentioned Mineta has been kicked out. Content warnings include referenced canonical child abuse, emeto, implied panic attack, and vague discussion of trauma left by mentioned child abuse

Now on Ao3!

Enjoy!

He wakes up feeling… off. That’s the only way he can really put it – he’s not in pain, his head isn’t swirling with unpleasant thoughts, he’s not reeling from a nightmare, he doesn’t feel ill. Just off. 

So he tries his best to shake it off. 

By the time lunch rolls around, there’s a persistent hum in his head. It’s distracting, and leaves him just a touch woozy, but he’s worked through much, much worse. It’s no big deal. He’s lagging maybe half a second behind everybody else today, but no one has commented on it, or asked about it, so he assumes he’s doing a good enough job at hiding it. 

By the time Kirishima ropes him into a video game tournament, Shouto feels like he’s going to puke. There’s a churning pit in his stomach that makes him regret eating lunch, makes him regret eating breakfast, makes him regret last night’s dinner. Definitely makes him regret waking up. 

It’s a well-known fact that video games are the one thing he’s genuinely terrible at, and no amount of Kirishima trying to teach him has improved his skills, so no one questions it when he surrenders his controller to Shinsou after three consecutive losses. 

The room gets loud as Jirou gives her controller to Kaminari, like it always does as soon as someone gets the insane idea to pit couples against each other. Shouto retreats to the far corner of the big couch, decides to tough it out for a game or two. Leaving immediately would look suspicious, and someone might notice, so he sits quietly with his knees pulled to his chest and hopes no one will look at him twice. 

Bakugou is staring at him from the other end of the couch. 

It’s fine, Shouto tells himself even as a cold wave of anxiety washes through him. Bakugou continues to stare, face completely blank, and Shouto knows this is the one person in the class who genuinely does not care, but there’s something unnerving about his eyes. Maybe it's just the hollow bruises under them – Shouto knows for a fact Bakugou didn't sleep last night, because he woke up to explosions sometime around three in the morning, and Kirishima has been hovering worriedly all day – but the blankness of his expression seems very deliberately arranged. Observant. Shouto swallows thickly and tries to find something else to look at. 

The motion on the screen makes his nausea worse. The shouting of his classmates makes his headache worse. He can’t concentrate on his phone. Bakugou keeps staring at him. 

Shouto finally excuses himself quietly when he’s fairly sure he’s about to start smoking soon, because he can feel his control of his powers slipping. It's fine. He can let that happen once nobody can see him. 

They can't see him weak. They can’t. He knows it’s irrational, because these are his friends and they care about him and he cares about them, but the thought of it sends him into a spiral straight down to such a dark place he throws it away before he can do more than scratch its surface. So he escapes into the stairs, not wanting to stand in the elevator, he can’t be still right now, and tries to look as casual as he possibly can. 

He doesn’t even make it to the second floor before he hears his name from behind him. His heart jumps to his throat and his stomach drops, and it takes him a second to sort out that it’s his last name and not his first, and there’s no threat, no anger, no fire in the voice. He can’t help but freeze on his tracks anyway. 

“Hey, man, you okay?” Shouto comes face to face with wide red eyes as he turns around; feels he can’t breathe with the rush of relief when it’s not piercing turquoise that greets him. Some of it must show on his face, because Kirishima takes a step back immediately and raises his hands up, concern clear in his expression. Bakugou is standing a few paces behind him, leaning on the wall and staring at his phone. “Because you don’t look like you are.” 

Shouto feels sick. He doesn’t want to be here, he wants to be in his room, alone, so that nobody can see him like this, so that he can take the time he needs to pull himself together. He swallows and takes a breath. 

“I’m fine,” he manages. He thinks his voice is steady. 

“You sure?” Kirishima looks suspicious. Shouto knows he means well, really, he does, he does, but he just… God, he can’t do this. Even thinking about admitting weakness, let alone showing it, sends alarm bells in his head ringing, makes him see the floor of his home through tears, has his father’s voice in his head yelling at him for being useless, and his scar burns all over again, scalding water running down his face and the tears in his mother’s eyes– 

His breathing is picking up pace. He’s gonna start crying. He’s gonna be sick. He’s gonna have a panic attack. His body is hot and cold on the wrong sides. He’s gonna– he can’t– he doesn’t– he can’t– 

“Todoroki, shit, Todoroki, hey, come on, sit down, okay?” Something touches his arms, but it doesn’t feel like human touch so it doesn’t make everything worse. By the time he realizes it’s Kirishima’s hands with his quirk activated Shouto has already catalogued the touch as non-threatening, so he lets Kirishima guide him to sit down and push his head between his knees. 

It takes him too long to notice that there’s steam coming off his skin. 

“That’s it, man, just listen to me and breathe. You want me to get Midoriya?” 

That sends a new wave of conflicting feelings through him – yes, he wants Izuku, yes, please, Izuku is good, would be great right now, but Izuku would just worry and fuss and worry and Shouto doesn’t want to make Izuku worry, doesn’t want to bother him, and besides, isn’t Izuku out training with Uraraka? Or was it Tokoyami? Why can’t he remember? Uraraka and Tokoyami are two totally different people who hang out with totally different groups and have totally different quirks and Shouto can’t remember which one of them his goddamn boyfriend is training with– did Izuku even say? He can’t remember that either.

“N-no,” he forces out. Realizes he’s been gritting his teeth. “He’s, he’s training, don’t bother him, it’s–”

“Okay, no,” Kirishima interrupts him. “I asked if you want him here. It’s about you. You’re the one that’s not okay, yeah? So do you want him here?” 

It… makes sense, what Kirishima is saying. But it doesn’t. It does; he feels terrible and he would like to have his boyfriend here, and it’s what other people do, too, even in their class. It doesn’t; things like this can’t be about him, he can’t want or need things, how horribly selfish would that be of him. 

In the end, he nods. He has to force the motion, to force himself to allow it. He’s still got his head between his knees, but he swears he can almost feel the way Kirishima grins at his response despite not looking. 

“You gonna be okay if I step into the hallway for just a sec?” Kirishima asks. He hasn’t stopped touching Shouto’s arms, and the touch is somewhat grounding. He still has to put conscious effort into breathing, and he’s just a tad afraid he’s going to lose the focus he needs to keep it up if Kirishima lets go and leaves him alone with Bakugou. 

There’s a steady tapping sound, almost background noise but not quite; a persistent, consistent tapping, volume just enough to be clearly audible even without concentrating. Just a bit louder than a clock. Not as sharp. Shouto is not entirely sure how long it’s been there.

Without even meaning to, he starts counting it. Pacing his breath to it. It’s easy; almost natural. Maybe he’ll stay on track even if Kirishima steps off for a moment. 

Tap, tap, tap, tap. Breathe in four, hold four, breathe out four. Every exhale feels like he’s going to throw up, but it’s almost a background thought. He makes an affirming noise to tell Kirishima that he probably won’t spiral down if he lets go, so Kirishima pats his shoulder and tells him that he’s okay. 

He’s not okay, but he also doesn’t start panicking again. He risks a look around him to see Kirishima take two steps up and disappear into the second floor hallway, and notices something that damn near messes up his newly-found breathing rhythm all over again. 

Bakugou is still standing several stairs below, leaning on the wall. He’s typing something on his phone, and he doesn’t look quite as murderous as he usually does – tired, still, but his frown is considerably less deep than usual. He’s probably texting Camie, then, since it’s likely not Kirishima. 

But the thing that really catches Shouto off-guard is the fact that he’s steadily tapping his right foot on the stair he’s standing on. 

The rhythm sounds very purposeful. 

Shouto is not going to chase that thought.

He keeps breathing. 

XxX

Izuku is going to apologize to Uraraka later. He doesn’t make it a habit to just ditch his friends, really, but Kirishima sounded worried over the phone and he has barely seen Shouto all day, so he takes off running the moment he hangs up, leaves most of his stuff behind along with Uraraka as he puts his quirk to work. 

He dashes straight through the common room and into the staircase, and almost collides with Kacchan, who graces him with a glare and turns his attention back to his phone. Normally, Izuku would say something to him, even just a greeting, or an attempt at placating his temper, but before he can say anything he spots Shouto sitting a few stairs higher. Kirishima is sitting next to him, close but not touching. 

“Shouto.” The name escapes from his lips in a whisper before he can even think it. Shouto’s head snaps up, and Izuku has to restrain himself from launching at him with One for All activated; Shouto’s face is pale, almost white, and the fleeting look of terror that flashes in his eyes before recognition makes something clench in Izuku’s chest. Shouto’s breathing is labored; controlled. 

Kirishima moves away as Izuku hurries forward, knees hitting the stairs so he can get his hands to Shouto’s face. Faintly he registers Kacchan moving past them to join Kirishima, and the two continue their way up the stairs. He’ll thank Kirishima later. 

“Hey,” he begins, thumb coming to trace the edge of Shouto’s scar. Shouto shivers. “Talk to me, what’s going on?  Kirishima sounded worried so I came as fast as I could, I need to apologize to Uraraka about that later, it was kind of rude of me to leave her there like that but you’re not okay, are you? She’ll understand, she’ll probably bring my stuff back too, I should probably text her, though, just to let her know, I probably won’t be going back anyway…”

“You’re rambling,” Shouto says, voice faint but a hint of a smile playing on his lips. Izuku snaps his mouth shut and feels heat on his cheeks. Then Shouto shivers again, and Izuku manages to see him swallow thickly before he ducks his head back down. He frowns. 

“Sorry,” Izuku offers. “But really, what’s going on? You don’t look good.” Shouto doesn’t feel good, either – his skin is clammy, and just by touching him Izuku can tell he’s not in full control of his quirk. There’s steam coming through his now-damp clothes.

Until now, Shouto has been somewhat curled into himself, hunched over and hugging himself. Now, though, his grip on his biceps tightens and and he curls up some more, like he’s trying to make himself smaller. It pains Izuku, how Shouto always seems to try and make himself disappear when he’s feeling bad. 

One day, once he’s graduated and established himself as a reputable and reliable hero, he’s going to punch Endeavor as hard as he can, and then he’s going to bring flowers to Shouto’s mom. 

“I’m not him,” Izuku reminds gently, still tracing the scar. “Nobody here is. It’s okay.” It breaks his heart to even have to say the words, but Shouto takes a shuddering breath and lets it out slowly, so at least it’s a useful reminder. Shouto tends to forget, sometimes. And sometimes Izuku tends to forget that it’s all too easy for Shouto to follow that train of thought. So they’re kind of even, however that balance works.

“I don’t feel good,” Shouto finally whispers. He sounds almost scared. Izuku is about to start prodding further, ready for a guessing game, when he sees that same swallow-shiver combination he saw earlier. 

“You’re sick?” 

A shrug. A still moment. A hesitant nod. 

“Okay.”

It takes some convincing, and some coaxing, and some help, but Izuku manages to get Shouto up and into the hallway. His room is closer, as opposed to Shouto’s which is located in the fifth floor, so Shouto agrees to relocate there. 

By the time they make it into the room, Shouto is shaking, and also swallowing repeatedly. He hasn’t stopped hugging himself and he’s still hunched over. Izuku keeps a steadying hand on his back, but he doubts it does much.  

He leads Shouto straight into the bathroom with little resistance. Shouto sits down against a wall next to the toilet, draws his knees to his chest and rests his head on them. His breathing is picking up again, and Izuku doesn’t know whether it’s anxiety or nausea or both. 

Minutes tick by as Izuku draws patterns on Shouto’s arm and shoulder and rubs his neck, and Shouto’s swallowing becomes convulsive and he keeps shaking. One particularly harsh shudder runs through him and causes a patch of frost to spread on the wall. His breathing is becoming shallow.

Izuku doesn’t know how much time has passed when something finally happens. One moment they’re leaning on the wall and the next, Shouto is scrambling to get the toilet lid open. A sick-sounding belch makes Izuku wince, and is immediately followed by a retch. Shouto clutches the rim with white knuckles, and Izuku moves to hold him. 

Shouto shivers against him and heaves, but brings nothing up. Izuku wraps his arms around him for support, both emotional and physical, and gently shushes him at the probably involuntary whimper that follows. Presses a kiss to his shoulder. 

“Just let it happen,” Izuku mutters. “You’re okay, just let it out.” It’s like being in a sauna, holding Shouto like this when he’s not in full control of his quirk, but Izuku brushes it aside – it doesn’t matter how uncomfortable it is. Shouto is definitely far more uncomfortable. 

Shouto shakes his head and squeezes his eyes shut, but the following attempt at a deeper breath is interrupted by a gag. Izuku resists the urge to sigh, and instead continues muttering reassurances as he rubs Shouto’s back. Keeping him grounded in the present is important; vital, almost, Izuku would say. He’s witnessed too many times how things like this – feeling bad, vulnerable, not in control – tend to throw Shouto right back to his childhood. 

He’s not profusely apologizing and promising he’ll do better next time, so what Izuku is doing must be working. 

It takes a couple more minutes of heaving and retching before Shouto brings up anything, but when he finally does, it’s like he can’t stop. Izuku very deliberately does not look, instead focusing on trying to calm Shouto down. He runs his fingers through Shouto’s hair, down his spine, and eventually brings one hand to rub his stomach. Shouto whimpers at the contact but doesn’t reject it. 

Izuku loses track of time. Shouto keeps dry-heaving for a good while after it’s clear there’s nothing in him to throw up anymore, and he’s shaking like a leaf. Izuku can’t tell whether he’s feverish or not; one of the few drawbacks of his quirk – even medical professionals have hard time with that, since Shouto’s temperatures tend to go haywire when he’s not in full control, which is almost every time he’s not feeling well. 

When even the dry-heaving eventually tapers off, Shouto slumps lifelessly against Izuku. His eyes slide shut and his breath slowly evens out, and the shaking dies down. An occasional shiver still runs through him, as if as a reminder, but otherwise every sign of what just happened melts into exhaustion. 

They sit on the floor until Izuku decides a cold, hard bathroom floor is no place for anything. Shouto is not asleep, not quite, but he’s well on his way there, so Izuku nudges him alert from his exhausted not-quite-slumber gently. 

“Shouto, hey,” he almost-whispers, smiling a little as Shouto’s eyelashes flutter against his skin. “How are you feeling? Any better?”

Shouto makes a sleepy noise that could mean literally anything, and it sounds absolutely adorable; there’s just not much Izuku can do with that. Shouto’s eyes open more, left one somewhat droopy, and he maneuvers himself so that his face is against Izuku’s shoulder. “I’m tired,” he replies. It’s not really what Izuku was looking for, as far as responses go, but it’s something. 

“Then how about a bed? Some sleep?” 

Shouto makes another sleepy noise, though this one sounds distinctly approving. He makes no attempt to move, however. Izuku lets him be for a moment.

“That means we have to get up, Shouto,” he tells him. 

It takes some effort, but not as much as Izuku feared or suspected it would. He could technically just lift Shouto up – he’s strong enough to carry him and has done so in the past – but he doubts the swift change in position and altitude would be of any benefit. So he helps Shouto up from the floor slowly, makes sure he doesn’t go suddenly white again now that some color has returned to his face, and carefully walks them out of the bathroom. He gets Shouto a soft, oversized shirt to change into (it’s probably Shouto’s own shirt that’s been left in Izuku’s room at some point, actually). Manages to convince him to drink some water. 

Shouto seems to fall asleep the moment Izuku lets him do so, looking completely drained. Izuku likes the sight of him surrounded the All Might themed bedsheets – it looks right, like he should be right there. Like he belongs in Izuku’s bed.

Izuku texts Uraraka and Kirishima, and picks up a book. 

[kittyit]

small natural medicine things you can do for comfort/symptom relief/immune boosting, obviously not suggesting this to replace anything the CDC says, just some extra stuff!

- eat raw garlic! the allicin in it is great for your immune system. i crush up a clove or two & take them with water like a pill! i have some right before breakfast & right before lunch - don’t have it at night bc it can give some people indigestion after laying down. you can also finely dice up raw garlic & wrap it in a paper towel or cheese cloth & put it inside your nostrils or ear, CAREFULLY as to not lose any pieces. the garlic will hurt you if it’s not contained properly, but if you do this right you can really feel the effects. raw garlic is my first line of defense for colds/flus/etc!

- raw honey! raw honey is sooo good for your throat. also it’s amazing for face masks. you can combine honey + garlic if eating the clove by itself is too much for you! i sometimes make loved ones “garlic honey spoons”. it’s when you chop up a clove of garlic and gently place it into a spoonful of honey. usually i’ll say take your medicine. very fun

- fresh ginger or candied ginger! this is immune boosting but also really helps some people (i am among them!) with nausea. you can grate ginger & steep it covered in boiling water like tea. this goes awesome with honey. you can also put it in a honey spoon! yum

- fresh sage tea! sage is cheap & astringent, antiseptic and antibacterial. it is SO great when you have a sore throat. just rip up a few leaves & steep in a mug of boiling water. you can gargle with this (it kills the bacteria making your throat sore!) or drink it. it’s a very mild fever reducer too

- lemon & lime time! i’ve been squeezing a LOT of fresh lemon & lime onto various stuff i’m eating, or you can put it in tea. vitamin c isn’t only great for your immune system, it also helps you absorb vitamin d from sunshine

- if you want to get crazy with the citrus, a hot toddy (WITH NO ALCOHOL) can just absolutely blow your socks off. warm water + half a lemon or lime + 1/2 teaspoon of cayenne pepper = the mucus in your nose running for its life. this tastes insane and is like something an witch you’re scared of who turns out to be good would make you drink. fan favorite in our household

- eat stuff high in iron! hard to list things because only you know what you like but go down a rabbit hole of googling foods that are high in iron & i’m sure you’ll see something that looks good to you

- eat fruits & vegetables! when you’re sick at all, you need to stay hydrated, and your body LOVES getting moisture from fruits & vegetables. three of my favorite easy, hydrating vegetable snacks: bok choy chopped & simmered in broth (you can add miso paste + tofu!), zucchini chopped & sauted with onions, garlic & your choice of seasoning profile), & celery + peanut butter. OH also microwaved (clean, poke with fork, wrap in wet paper towel) or baked sweet potatoes - SO versatile

- gentle saline rinses in your nasal passages! okay, you need to look up how to do this one properly. you need the proper ratio of sea salt to warm (not hot!) water. i usually put it in a spoon and then just put my head back and pour it inside my nose, but you can also gently sniff the water. if your nasal passages get dry from this, stop immediately!! it’s very easy to overdo it, whether too often or too much salt

- ok this one isn’t natural medicine but vick’s! oh my god, vick’s. your chest, under your nose/on your nose, and in the cup of your ear. do this before a nice hot shower or before sitting yourself to breathe in steam over a fresh cup of tea OR even just the hottest water from your sink. you can also do this with 1 or 2 drops of eucalyptus oil on a rag/paper towel, but that shit is extremely potent & can be irritating to your skin, so be careful!

- diaphragmatic breathing! i know this gets brought up as the cure for so many emotional ills but it really can help stabilize you. i’ve been having a lot of fear/anxiety, which shortens my breath, which creates a feedback loop of i feel like i can’t breathe, so i feel like i can’t breathe, etc. horrible spiral! doing diaphragmatic breathing interrupts this. there are people who do certain counts in and out (like 5 seconds in through your nose, hold for 5, out for 7) but the general gist is: you want to breathe in very deeply through your nose to a natural place of fullness, hold it for a few seconds, and then breathe out through your mouth for longer than your intake breath. if the counting stresses you out or doesn’t feel right, just try to find that rhythm on your own. if you’re feeling strained when you try to breathe in for too long or holding your breath feels strained, that’s not the right amount of time for you to be breathing! try to find that natural point of fullness & release for yourself. i try to do this breathing as much as i can, even while watching tv, playing video games, reading, whatever. it’s a great time to get into a new habit.

- remember to move! it’s essential to not be completely physically still even if you’re feeling trapped & overwhelmed. something as simple as stretching your arms over your head a few times or just any basic stretching while still sitting is so much better than sitting in one position.

[overdressed-and-unimpressed]

Breathe.

Sometimes I feel as if you are tired with dealing with my anxiety. But who wouldn't? I'm tired of it too. I'm tired of dealing with it everyday. The self doubt, unconfident, evil thoughts my mind comes up with to fill my day. Sometimes it's just a bad day; or a bad week; or a bad month. But it's been a bad 2 years. I've had thoughts of quitting my job, my things, my family, just to start over in hopes that I can get rid of the anxiety that lingers. But the truth is, the anxiety that I leave behind will form a new identity and find me again. So is it worth to leave the things I love to avoid things I hate temporarily? No.

But I get it now, why people choose to end their lives. Why they go insane. Why they get locked up in institutions. If I said the things out loud that I was thinking, they would lock me up too. Not a single person on earth will be able to understand what it's like to be in another's minds and hear their thoughts.

I've been to doctors, therapists, yoga. Tried different medications, and healing techniques. The truth is, I feel better than I originally did a year ago, but I'm still not at a point where I think I should be. When you've been dealing with something like this for as long as I have, you don't know where you should be. You have nothing to go off of. No baseline. So, am I close to being normal? I dont know. And the worst part; I'll never know.

One thing said to me could send me into a spiral of unwanted thoughts and panics. Just one. Can you imagine a day like that? Every. Single. Day. Some worse than others, some not too bad.

Its chronic. They say its curable. Where is the cure? I have yet to find it. The problem is, one pill for the rest of your life isn't the answer. You're body gets used to it, and then it stops working. Time to try something else. And go through the whole process of withdrawal and the side effects of a new medication. Over. And over. And over again. As soon as you start to feel better, as soon as you feel normal, your brain switches again. Time to start over.

This whole post is a side effect of chronic anxiety. The rambling. The need to speak without being able to do so, so I write. As I'm sitting in the shower, with a numb feeling, and only the sound of the water hitting the tiles beneath my feet.

Breathe. Drink water. Don't think about it. You'll be fine...

...I'll be fine? If it was that easy, we wouldn't have this massive problem with my generation.

But back to you. You're tired of it, and me too. So.. what do we do? Help me.

"The worst part of having a mental illness, is everyone expects you to pretend that you don't."

[xillveart]

Return To Me

Ch. 2: Support and Rage Vampire, Quirkless, Victorian / Medieval Era AU

Based off of THIS AU by @vines-of-an-ivy / @aizawasbedtimestories

Genre: Angst / Romance

Rating: Explicit | Violence / Blood / Mentions of suicide and self harm / Depression / Mental Illness / Sex and intimacy

Main Pairing: Katsuki Bakugou x Koge Naegi (OC)

Side Pairings: Seijirou Eguchi (OC) x Dokuji Kobayashi (OC), Eijirou Kirishima x Nene Date (OC)

Bakugou and Koge were just about to start their life together when he vanishes without a trace. Now, all she wants is for him to come back to her, even if he has turned into something inhuman.

“Koge are you sure you want to wear that out? What if it rains on it?”

“Oh it will be fine, Nene. It gets washed in water, what would a little rain do to it?” Koge glowered up at her friend as they walked together down the stone paved streets of town. Although the weather was quite dreary, grey and wet, the streets were bustling with activity. People of all kinds and social status wandered around, set on their destinations that Koge could care less about knowing. Although it was busy, the crowds seemed to part for them, allowing them through without much effort. But, unlike her brighter days, the people in their way did not part out of respect.

Rather, it was a fear that had them stepping out of the way. Koge did have to admit that she understood why they were wary of her, though she thought that this nonsense would have faded with time. It isn’t uncommon for a lover to suffer from a mental illness of some kind when losing their partner, either to death or interest in another. But, whatever Koge had been suffering from wasn’t understood by anyone but herself. The pain had been unbearable when her lover had vanished, and somehow, there had been a rumor that spread. It was said that the cuts on her wrists were not an attempt to take her life, but instead a blood sacrifice, a ritual to beg the gods to return her lover to his world.

It was nonsense, of course. Koge had tried to do no such thing, but since then, she had been labeled as a possible witch. She had even been blamed for Bakugou’s disappearance, some saying she sold his soul to the devil in exchange for power. It was the most ridiculous thing Koge had ever heard, but her attempts to explain herself were in vain. And so, she was outcasted by all but those closest to her, including her family, Bakugou’s family and her few friends.

The biggest reason why Koge wouldn’t have done any type of ritual to bring him back was because she didn’t believe he was dead in the first place. No body found, no evidence, no suspects, no proof. There was nothing to make her believe that he had passed on, and so she kept hold of the smallest hope that perhaps he would return one day. Tomorrow, another year, five years or even twenty years from now, she would welcome him back with open arms.

At first, she had tried to argue with anyone who said that he was dead, often getting into verbal fights that a woman of her status should never be seen engaging in. Polite, quiet and obedient is how she was supposed to be, but that is never how she was. Bakugou had told her that’s what he liked about her, how she never held her tongue even in front of someone who could have her thrown into jail with a single word. Of course, being this way didn’t come without its punishments and difficulties. This included being dubbed as insane any time she tried to claim that Bakugou was still alive, even so far as to nearly be thrown into a madhouse for it. Her only salvation had been her soon to be Mother-In-Law, who had used her status and money to protect her, but only with the condition that Koge would calm down.

So she had. Nearing the one year anniversary of her lovers disappearance, Koge kept to herself, not even bothering to snap back at people who tried to belittle her or insult her. She had her family, her friends and her possessions to keep her company, bringing what little happiness she could muster to the surface. One of them being the subject of Nene’s current worry.

A deep red scarf that used to belong to her lover, worn around her shoulders and tucked into her bodice to act as a draped shaw. It was quite large on Koge and was not typically something that a woman should be seen wearing, but that was of little consequence. Often on the days that she was missing him more than normal, she would adorne a piece of his clothing, just to calm her. This scarf had always been her favorite, the fabric warm and soft against her skin.

“But you always fret about getting it dirty.” Nene continued with her worry. “I just don’t want something to happen to it, you’ll get so upset.”

“It’s fine. I’ll be inside most of the day, anyway.” Koge stopped at the entrance to an odd looking dome shaped building, one which was extremely uncommon for this areas architecture. Though, it matched the oddness of the owner, so it was nothing anyone gawked at for long. As she pushed open the door, a bell jingled excitedly, announcing her arrival.

“Ah, welcome in! Just a moment!”

The excited voice called from up the spiral staircase, which lead to a small library and storage of special herbs and liquids. Just as Koge and Nene stopped to wait patiently, and figure of a young man their age approached the intricate iron railing, grinning down at them with sharp pointed teeth. “Nene! And Koge! What a surprise!”

Koge gave a small nod in greeting, while Nene gave a shy wave. “Hello, Kiri. It’s good to see you.” Both women took a step back as Kirishima leapt over the railing, landing in front of them with polished ease. Koge gave a small shake of her head, raising an eyebrow at her energetic friend. “Eijirou, Sir Eguchi gets upset when you jump over the railing like that. Remember last time, you fell through the floor.” Koge pointed over towards a spot not too far away, where a brand new cellar door rested, locked and waiting use. Eijirou chuckled, ruffling his mess of straight red hair. “Aha, well, Sir had been talking about making a new entrance to the basement anyway! So it worked out!” A grin and a thumbs up followed his confident, if not ignorant, statement.

Nene giggled softly. “Still, you should be careful, Kiri. It would be bad if you did get hurt.” Kirishima’s grin softened to a smile, giving a playful bow. “As you wish! Though I’m tougher than you think.”

“If you start going off about being part dragon again, I’m going to fire you.”

A new voice filled the room, catching the full attention of the three young adults. A tall man came out from a back room that was behind the long counter, eyeing his employee with annoyance. His orange gaze was piercing, instantly making Kirishima laugh nervously as he rubbed the back of his head. “Sorry, Sir! I swear I wasn’t! I was just gonna say that I, uh… I’ve been training?” His face flushed as Nene giggled, obviously embarrassed at being caught.

“Well, now that Koge is here, you can take a few hours off. Why don’t you take dear Nene out for a while, hm?” The older man smiled at them, leaning on the counter with gloved hands clasped. Nene’s cheeks flushed darker, though she looked down at Koge, worried about leaving her. Koge gave a small nod, nudging Nene in the arm gently. “Go on. You can buy some of the things we need at the house while you’re out. You have my money purse, just leave me enough for flowers.”

“O-okay… Thank you. I’ll be back soon.” Nene gave a small bow before leaving with Kirishima silently, though Koge could hear them laughing softly once outside. Looking back out of the window, she watched them vanish into the crowd, Nene taking Kirishima’s arm as he offered it to her. She must have been staring for a while, as the sound of her mentor’s voice startled her a bit.

“Come here, my dear.”

Tearing her eyes away from the window, Koge made her way over to the counter, placing her delicate hand into his large one as he offered it to her. “What’s wrong? Tell Seiji all about it.”

Koge sighed softly, looking up at Seijirou as she tried to think of what to say. Though, looking at this man didn’t exactly help her thoughts stay clear. There was something odd about him, something that she could never quite put her finger on, but it wasn’t exactly anything bad. The problem was that he was absolutely gorgeous, with pale flawless skin and a piercing gaze that typically left people speechless. Women that came into the apothecary would always swoon over him, his charming smile and alluring voice enough to make any woman leave their husband in an instant and vice versa. He could have anyone he wanted, and yet, he chose to be alone. It was odd to Koge, but that is just how he was, and he had been so good to her that she didn’t dare question his reasoning.

“It’s just… I had that same dream again this morning.” Koge touched the scarf around her shoulders tenderly. “I’m just struggling more lately.” Seijirou nodded, patting the top of her hand gently. “I see. Is that all?”

“No… when I woke up this morning, a fire had been started. Just like Katsuki used to do for me. And the window was open just a tad. Nene said it wasn’t her. I… don’t really know what to think.” Koge had kept her gaze down while speaking, feeling a bit timid about sharing these thoughts. Though, when she looked back up, she thought for a moment there was a different gleam in Seijirous eyes, one intense and even angry. Though, it was gone with a blink, his comforting smile only growing. “Oh darling, that is an odd occurrence! Perhaps it was simply a misunderstanding between the maids.”

“Probably.” Koges eyes moved down to his hands as his leather gloves squeaked a bit with his movement. Ever since she first met him, he had gloves on his hands, every single moment. She wasn’t sure why, and though she had asked a long time ago, he simply laughed it off and claimed that it was because of his fear of dirt and grime. Her hand was so pale against the worn black leather of his gloves, only adding to her thoughts that she looked sickly. Seijirou must have noticed as well, a finger tracing one of her visible veins.

“Not getting much sun, are you?” Seijirou released her hand, standing up straight. Koge gave a small shake of her head, making her way around the counter to the back room. “No, Sir. I tend to stay indoors unless I’m coming here or buying flowers.”

“You’re thinner, too! My dear, you know the first steps to feeling better are to take care of yourself.” Seijirou followed her, reaching up to ruffle his wavy black hair, which was parted over to one side with the other shaved down. The long side reached down to his shoulder, and though it was an odd haircut, it wasn’t all that odd for him. Koge sighed as she entered the room, closing her eyes while removing her small purse. “I understand that, Sir, but—“

She was interrupted by her own squeal, dropping her purse and covering her mouth in fright. Much to her embarrassment, she had been startled by another person in the room, something she wasn’t exactly used to seeing. Another man was sitting in a chair across the room, lax with his feet propped up on a table. Though, the instant her eyes landed on him, he tended, piercing blue glare keeping her frozen in her spot. Seijirou was the one to break the tension, chuckling softly as he walked inside.

“Ah, I’m sorry, Koge! I should have told you I had a guest.” He stopped beside her, bending down to pick up her purse for her. Koge glanced up to her teacher before back towards the stranger, watching him closely as he removed his feet from the table. “O-oh that’s okay, I was just… not paying attention.” After handing her purse back to her, Seijirou motioned for the other man to come over, though he also took a step forward himself. Koge thought this a bit odd, as if he were putting space between her and the newcomer, but she decided to stay quiet about it.

“Come here, Doey, it’s alright.”

Standing, the man slowly approached, keeping his eyes down as he ruffled his already messy orange hair. The closer he got, Koge could see that he was just as flawless as Seijirou, freckles sprinkled across his face and exposed shoulders, his tattered grey vest doing little to cover his torso and arms. It was odd to her that he couldn’t seem to keep eye contact for more than a few seconds at a time, but she assumed that he was shy or possibly even put off by her own emotionally drained stare.

“Koge, darling, his is Dokuji. He’s going to be my new apprentice, learning with you. Though, he’ll end up being here at different times than you more often than not.” Seijirou patted Dokuji’s shoulder, making the younger mans face scrunch up a bit in annoyance. Koge nodded, giving a small bow in greeting. “It’s a pleasure.”

Although she had her head down and couldn’t see him, Koge could hear how hard Dokuji swallowed before he spoke, his voice a bit nervous and shaken. “The pleasure’s mine, uh… miss--?”

“Please just call me Koge. I prefer not to go by my last name.”

“Right,” Dokuji took in a deep breath, awkwardly shoving his hands into his pockets. “I’m going to… Go deal with the, uh… Boxes.” He wormed his way around the two, quickly scurrying out of the room. Seijirou huffed, glaring after him as he placed his hands on his hips. “Excuse you!”

“Yeah, excuse me!” Dokuji called back, though he was already up the stairs and out of sight.

With a sigh, Seijiro headed over towards his desk, pulling open a drawer. “He’s not really used to this type of environment, so please forgive him. He’ll get better once he’s more comfortable around you.” Koge nodded, taking a piece of parchment as he handed it to her. “Of course, I understand. Are these the concoctions for today?”

With a nod, Seijirou sat down in his chair, pulling a large leather book towards him. “Yes. Do you remember them all?”

“If not I will look them up in the books before I make them. Hm… though most of these are sedatives?”

“Ah yes, we had an order from the hospital that we need to rush, so these are priority. Just don’t ingest anything or you’ll be sleeping on the floor.” Seijirou chuckled as he gave her a playful nudge in the arm, sending her off to work. “And take care of customers as they come in, okay?”

“Yes, Sir.” Koge left the room without another word, sticking to her duties.

By the time Nene and Kirishima returned, Koge had finished all her work and was allowed to leave, Nene talking her ear off excitedly as they left. Though, the instant the door shut behind them, Seijirou sighed and rubbed the back of his neck. “Man… That poor girl--”

He was cut off by a sudden thud right under his feet, the wood floor shaking with the impact. With an annoyed click of his tongue, he headed to the cellar door that Kirishima had forced him to make, squatting down beside it. “What?!”

“Get down here you fucking kook! Now!”

“And why should I do that?”

“Come down here or I’m going up there, you fucking prick!”

Pulling out his keys from his pocket, Seijirou unlocked the padlock on the door, pulling it open and beginning his descent down the stairs. The cellar grew dark as the door slammed shut behind him, though he had no problems seeing, stepping out into the open area. Arms crossed over his chest, his gaze met with the crimson glare that came from across the room, the figure sitting with his back against the wall.

“What do you want? I’m busy trying to run a business.”

“I want you to tell me what the fuck you think you’re doing. Why would you let her near that fucking creep, he’s not ready!”

“And you think you are? I have to lock you in a damn cellar just to keep an eye on you. What the fuck do you think you’re doing!?” Seijirou snapped back, walking closer as he pointed up towards the ceiling. “You damn idiot! You think it was smart to go to her this morning?! You think your little gesture was sweet?”

The confronting man before Seijirou stood, though he wasn’t given a chance to speak. “She needs to think you’re dead! Now all she has on her mind again is you, all because you decided a visit would be smart. It wasn’t, Katsuki. You’ll be lucky if Our Lady doesn’t rip you to shreds because you did that.”

“She can go choke on a dick, it’s not like I wanted this--” Bakugou was interrupted by his own choked scream as Seijirou snatched him by the neck, slamming him up against the wood wall with nearly enough force to send him through it. Ignoring the feeling of Bakugou’s claws digging into his arm, Seijirou leaned in closer, his glare and voice dark enough to send anyone running. “Next time you say something like that about Our Lady, I’ll be the one to rip you apart. I’ve known you and Koge for years, and what’s happened to you both breaks my heart. But I won’t stand for your tough guy rebellious bullshit.”

Releasing him, Seijirou backed away, leaving Bakugou to sit back down and clutch his throat. “If you love her, Katsuki. You’ll stay away. This will be the last time I allow you into the town during the day.”

With a scoff, Bakugou leaned back against the wall, too physically weak from hunger to fight back. “Go fuck yourself. Or get your little pet to do it for you, I don’t care. You don’t know what’s best for her.”

“I do know that she’s been mourning your loss for too long. You can watch her and protect her all you want, but you have to become nothing but a memory. Now get control of yourself. We’re leaving soon, and you’re eating tonight, whether you like it or not.” Seijirou turned and began his way out of the cellar, not bothering to take another look at the broken man behind him. “Accept what you are and get over it. The faster you do that, the less painful the rest of eternity will be.”

Once again left alone, Bakugou leaned his elbows on his knees, hiding his face in trembling hands. He was so hungry and so distraught, the scent of every human that had entered the store that day clinging to his senses, like he was in a pit of endless flesh. Koge’s, however, was the most prominent, so strong that he could have sworn he could taste her on his tongue. How badly he wanted to rip into her, to sink his teeth into her skin and drain her of life was overwhelming. Maybe Seijirou had been right, that his actions that day had been a huge mistake.

Because now, he found himself wanting Koge more than he ever had in his entire life, and he couldn’t have her. He wished desperately to change what had happened, to wake up and realize this entire ordeal was nothing but a crazy nightmare.

But he knew he never would.

[matrixaffiliate]

Glimpsing Happiness

Co-written with @hufflepuffmarlenemckinnon

(I’ve had something come up tomorrow so you get the update early. Yay!)

FFN and AO3

Chapter 7

He'd dozed off again, and that was probably for the best. She needed some time to sort through her feelings about that letter from Mrs. Tonks. Marlene was still reeling, but none of it was her business. She had no business, no right to ask for explanations or to even think on it really. But think on it she did.

 She remembered the first day with him, almost a fortnight ago, and how he'd joked about Queen Alexandra's funeral. She hadn't honestly believed him. It seemed to her that all posh aristocrats wanted to be as closely related to the King and Queen as possible that sometimes they'd go to extreme lengths to infer that they were closer than the reality. But, Sirius, Sirius was not just closely related to the British Crown, he was closely related to some very prominent Nazi families.

 It was just that, well… he didn't seem that way to her. Arrogant of course; annoying certainly; drove her mad regularly; but he didn't come off as someone who believed that anyone was less than him based on their color or creed. He didn't strike her as a world domination fan.

 Sirius couldn't be a Nazi.

But that resolve only seemed to throw her mind into another spiral. What had happened that he didn't choose the same path all but three members of his family had chosen. And apparently, only two of them were left now. Who was Uncle Alfie? Had he passed of old age? And how did Captain Potter fit into this? Sirius called him his brother, but obviously, that wasn't accurate as far as bloodline was concerned.

 Marlene noticed clock and sighed, he was finally sleeping but it was time for his quinine. She hated to wake him, but Doctor Dodge had been strict in his orders. He wouldn't allow typhoid fever to start spreading through Southampton. Marlene and Arabella wore elbow-length rubber gloves, rubber aprons, masks over their faces, and disinfected everything, including their hands before they left the ward. Doctor Dodge also wanted symptoms kept in check as much as possible, and that meant prompt doses of his medication.

 “Captain, I have your quinine. She shook his shoulder and he groaned. Marlene hated how his face grimaced in pain. Seeing any patient suffering was one of the worst parts of being a nurse, but seeing someone recover, well that was what made it worthwhile.

 “Here,” she picked up his glass with her gloved hands. “Just sit up long enough to swallow this and you can sleep again.”

 She brought her hand to the back of his neck and pushed.

 “You're a rightly awful person you know that?” He pushed up on his elbows but opened his mouth when she pressed the pill to his lips, followed by the glass of water.

 “So you've told me,” Marlene smiled. She thought to say more, but as his head hit the pillow he was out again.

 She stood there watching him sleep for several moments. His hair had twisted and knotted a bit with its new length and for some reason, Marlene had to fight the urge to straighten it.

 “Sleep well, Sirius,” she whispered, barely audible to her own ears.

 But then panic suck into the bottom of her stomach. She'd just called an officer patient, a very annoying and rude officer patient at that, by his first name. She spun around and looked at the time. It was only two. She couldn't wait that long. She needed Mary. Mary would set her straight, Mary would explain it all to her. She needed Mary.

 Marlene walked to the tub of disinfectant and began the process. Arabella looked up confused.

 “Is there something you need Sister? I'd be happy to fetch it.”

 “Oh no dear, I just wanted to discuss the possibility of adding something a bit more substantial to Captain Black’s meals next week with Doctor Dodge. He seems to be taking to the broth well enough.” Marlene avoided Arabella's eyes, focusing on the disinfectant her hands were in.

 “Good thinking Sister Marlene, Mother always talks about the importance of eating well. And I know that when the cats fall ill the sooner they can handle solid food the sooner they recover.” Her voice was normal, but the part of Marlene that was freaking out swore the woman could read her mind.

 Marlene chuckled, more so to quiet the part of her that wanted to defend herself to Arabella, and smiled warmly, boldly maybe, at the maid she'd slowly grown fond of.

 “I'll only be a moment.” She dried her hands and walked quickly out the door.

 Marlene stuck her head in the rooms of Mary's ward, finally finding her in the third room. She cleared her throat and Mary looked up startled. Marlene stepped into the corridor and Mary followed.

 “To what do I owe the pleasure, Sister?” Mary looked around the corridor as they stepped away from the door.

 “Mary, I'm going insane,” Marlene whispered, trying to keep the panic from her voice.

 Mary sighed, “I'm not switching with you again, Marls.”

 “No!” Marlene pressed her palm to her forehead. “Mary, I just, something changed and I can't handle this!”

 Mary reached a hand out and pulled Marlene's hand from her face.

 “Hey,” she soothed, “what happened?”

 Marlene sighed, “I guess, I read him a letter from Mrs. Tonks, a reply to the letter you wrote with him, and it, I just, Mary he isn't who I thought he was. I mean he is, but, there's so much more to him than being an arse, and …” Marlene went silent and pressed her palm back into her forehead.

 Mary observed her for a moment before a small smile touched her lips, “And you haven't felt this way since Fabian Prewett?”

 Marlene's heart stopped.

 “I know you will never admit that he hurt you, and that's fine, I don't expect you to.” Mary continued. “But does that bit of information help you understand what's going on?”

 “I need to ask to be reassigned,” Marlene started towards her Matron’s office.

 Mary grabbed her arm and spun her around. “You will do no such thing, Sister!” She whispered fiercely. “If the Matron thinks she can't trust you to be professional you can kiss your position goodbye.”

 Marlene took a deep breath. Mary was right, she always was.

 “So what do I do, Mary?” Marlene hated feeling trapped, it was her greatest fear, being trapped, and she suddenly felt like she'd been pinned between two brick walls.

 Mary wrapped her in a hug and Marlene clung to her. “You're going to breathe, you're going to be professional, and you're going to go back to the Quarantine Ward and you're going to care for Captain Black as if he were any other patient. He'll be gone in a few weeks and you'll be able to move to a new Ward and be done with it all.”

 Marlene sighed, “You're right, of course. Alright, I can do this, back straight and head high right?” Marlene straightened and pushed her shoulders back holding her chin high.

 “You can do this, Sister,” Mary nodded pulling herself into the same position.

 “Right,” Marlene took a deep breath. “I need to find Doctor Dodge. I'll see you after our shift, love, and thank you.”

 Mary smiled at her, “Always the sunshine.” She winked before heading back into her room and Marlene turned on her heels towards the Doctors’ offices.

[lorna-and-nicky-complex-love]

Summary and Analysis of Nicky Nichols and Lorna Morello’s Relationship Season 1-5 SPOILER ALERT FOR SEASON 5!!

Season 1 Nicky and Lorna have a casual sexual relationship, even though at the time, we are led to believe that Lorna is engaged. As far as we know, Lorna identifies as straight and Nicky is a lesbian. From what we can see they are best friends who have sex until the fifth episode of season 1 titled “The Chickening.” After having an orgasm in a chapel, Lorna announces that she wants to stop having sex with Nicky because she feels it is unfair to fiancee, and that Nicky is “making her feel like a cave.” For a split second, Nicky looks a little hurt, but proceeds to say it’s cool and that she’s fine with it. This is our first sign that Nicky may actually care more about Lorna than just friendship. Then throughout the rest of season 1, Nicky seems slightly annoyed and bitter about the fact that Lorna “broke up with her” She makes small comments about Lorna being coy. Then in episode 10, she yells at Lorna about being delusional and believing that her fiancee, who hasn’t come to see her since 3 weeks after she got to prison is still in love with her. Even though this was brutal, it shows that Nicky is one of the very few people who is not afraid to be brutally honest with Lorna. (Which due to her fantasies is exactly what she needs). Then at the end of the season, we see Boo telling Nicky to start sleeping with Lorna again to which Nicky replies that “you only get one chance to break her heart” implying that by ending their casual sexual relationship, Lorna broke her heart. Along with this comment, for Christmas, Nicky makes Lorna an adorable wedding poster, which included her in place of the groom. When she shows it to Alex, she claims that it is a joke, to which Alex responds, “is it?” implying that other people are aware that Nicky may have feelings for Lorna that are not entirely platonic. The season ends with them as best friends, but the audience, is left to believe that Nicky may have feelings for her. Season 2 So this season includes Lorna flashbacks that show us that Morello is in jail for stalking Christopher, and putting a homemade bomb under his wife Angela’s car. We see Nicky comforting Morello after she finds out that Christopher is getting married, and comforting Lorna in one of their most heartwarming scenes on the staircase. After Christopher shows up to confront Lorna about breaking into his house (which she did do) he destroys the fantasy she has spent the last 2 years creating. He calls her a psycho, who has been stalking him. Nicky overhears and comforts a weeping Morello on the staircase. While Morello does acknowledge that something is wrong with her and that she does in fact have a mental illness, Nicky states that she even though she is batshit crazy, that she is beautiful, sweet girl and that so many people are going to love her. Lorna acknowledging her own insecurity says no one is ever going to love her to which Nicky tenderly responds that she does. This alone implies that Nicky does in fact love her even though she does suffer from a mental illness, and is obsessive she still sees her as a beautiful sweet girl, that she fell in love with. For the rest of the season, they are on good terms, as they had been during early season 2, but this time, Lorna decides to stay away from romance, and accept reality because of Nicky’s acceptance. Season 3 So in the beginning of season 3, Nicky and Lorna seemed to have resumed their flirtatious friendship with Nicky saying that she is happy that Lorna is keeping up her appearance and that she looks like juicy ripe fruit and they are seen sitting together during Mother’s Day. When Nicky is ratted out by Luschek, and dragged off the Max, Lorna along with Red are seen hysterically crying, and when Nicky says that she loves the both of them, Lorna tearfully replies I love you too. This spoke volumes about how they both truly felt about each other. Lorna finally admitted something that all of us already knew, she loves Nicky. In the following episodes, Lorna was seen crying, and being lonely without Nicky proving that Nicky is a her rock, and the one person who cared about her, not because she was beautiful, but for who she was a person. We then see Morello marry Vincent, but I believe she did this out of loneliness as opposed to actual love. 

Season 4 In this season we saw Lorna’s somewhat strange relationship with her husband, and their word sex. We also saw the return of Nicky and what she has been doing in Max. We find out that she is 3 years clean, and that she has had sex with Stella (Although this was most likely out of loneliness, and sadness than genuine feeling.) After seeing Luschek we see Nicky feeling depressed, alone, and see her hit her lowest point of performing oral sex on a CO for heroin. After we see her return to minimum security where she is warmly welcomed by Red and Lorna. During the party we see Lorna hugging her, caressing her arm, and leaning on her. Showing us that Lorna just wanted to feel close to her at all times. We slowly begin to see Nicky spiral out of control due to her drug addiction. She steals from Red to buy drugs, and begins to take her anger out on Lorna. In episode 8, she makes very strong sexual advances towards Lorna, even though she knows she married, proving that not only does she not take Lorna’s marriage seriously, but she also plays on Lorna’s attraction to her. Now one cannot deny that this was manipulative, but it also shows that Nicky considers Lorna the one thing in her life that she can count on.(She is consistently there for her). Also when Nicky plants the seed that Vincent is cheating on Lorna in her head, one can believe that she did this purposely. She wanted ruin Lorna’s marriage because on some level, she was aware of her feelings for her, and she hated that she was married. Nicky knew that Lorna would freak out, and possibly scare vinnie away, and one can deduce, that that is what she wanted. We see Nicky taking her anger out on Lorna again when she insults Lorna in the cafeteria by saying, “Friends is that what we are now?” and that “Lorna is a peanut brain fickle hearted whore.” Even though this is partly influenced by her drug use, I also believe that Nicky said this because she felt that Lorna had toyed with her emotions, and had moved on from her too quickly. (Sleeping with Stella for Nicky was not about emotion therefore in her mind, she had not moved on, but was simply trying to cope with her loneliness). After Poussey’s death when Red asked them to scout locations for the new garden, before pushing her up against the shed, Nicky had an interesting look on her face, like she missed Lorna, and being with her so much. (However I do not condone what happened afterwards, because it was sexual assault, to stick your hand down the pants of someone who says they do not want to have sex with you). Nicky then looks visibly hurt when Lorna calls her a junkie, an addict and a liar. She retaliates by calling Lorna a psycho, and forcing her to acknowledge her mental illness. After Lorna acknowledges her illness (possibly erotomania), and states that she cannot stop herself from doing this, and that she needs help, and that she is unhappy, and afraid that someone else is going to leave her. Nicky then realizes that Lorna is clinging to the delusion that she might be pregnant because then she won’t have to acknowledge that her marriage is falling apart because of her lack of treatment. (However I do believe that Nicky triggered this episode). Because of this, Nicky decides to no longer make comments about her marriage, as seeing Lorna unhappy makes her unhappy. Season 5 SPOILERS So in this season (well the first 10 episodes) we see Nicky making advances towards Lorna in the first episode that are firmly rebuffed by Morello. We see Morello genuinely caring about Nicky’s sobriety, ie -you are not taking any pills -I don’t think you in a room full of medicine is good for your sobriety -Taking the keys from Nicky and hiding them so that she wouldn’t have access to drugs.

Overall in the first 2 episodes we see Lorna and Nicky having the normal playful friendship that used to have. However, in episode 3, having taken over the medical cage, Lorna listens to the symptoms, and distributes the meds that Nicky tells her to. While comforting a grieving Soso, Nicky indirectly says that “you’ll realize that you’ve fallen hopelessly in love with an incredible, insane, beautiful woman who will never love you back” Making it clear that she is open to admitting publicly in front of Soso, and a line of strangers that she is in love with Lorna, and she is also aware of the fact that Lorna does not seem to love her back in the same way. Lorna seems shocked, and shaken, and continues to speak to the person on line instead of acknowledging what was just said. This shows that its not that Lorna doesn’t love her, its that she is not sure how that love relates to her heteronormative dream on what it means to be happy. All her life, Lorna believed that she needed to meet her prince charming, get married, and have kids (there is nothing wrong with wanting that). She never considered that maybe she would spend her life with a woman, who does not believe in marriage, and doesn’t like children. So I would say that Lorna does in fact love her but she is unsure of how to accept that love, and understand that it is okay because it goes against everything she had always imagined for her life. At the risk of spoiling episode 6 I am going to end there because, I am still trying to wrap my head around episodes 6-8, and understand the motives for the things said and done, one of them being why Nicky decided to sleep with Lorna knowing that she would freak out afterwards, and if Lorna slept with Nicky because she truly does love and want her or if she did it to push her away. 

Also another tidbit, I forgot to add, is that Nicky treats Lorna differently than anyone else. Nicky has a pattern of treating the women she sleeps with like crap afterwards. Ex. Brook Soso (ignoring her and saying she talks too much), Alex Vause (talking shit about her after she was released), “Hot girl” in episode 8 of season 5 ( not remembering her name) Stella (being an ass to her in Max) proves that to Nicky sex with anyone else other than Morello is simply a distraction from loneliness, or way to mend her broken heart. Whereas sex Morello is more than that and not something she regrets. That is why Nicky was so upset when she found out Lorna got married because she wasn’t just using Vinnie as a distraction, she was claiming to love him, which made Nicky feel like Morello had betrayed her. 

Overall, Nicky and Lorna have a complex relationship, with Lorna’s mental illness (erotomania), her having a heteronormative view on what happiness, and love should look like, and Nicky’s drug addiction, and self destructive patterns. Nicky is a wealthy woman who grew up with a neglectful and emotionally absent mother, and it was one of the contributing factors that led to her heroin addiction. She struggles with remaining clean everyday, as many substance abusers do, and still needs time to recover. Lorna is an “old fashioned” woman who grew up thinking she needed a man to be satisfied, emotionally, and sexually. She most likely suffers from erotomania, and acknowledges that she needs help for her illness but she isn’t getting appropriate care. Overall, if Nicky and Lorna both got professional help for the issues, they would be the perfect couple. However, even with mental illness, and drug addiction, they still love each other very much. ie Nicky’s “I love you so much Lorna” 5.06. and Lorna’s “I Love you too” 3.03. Lorna loves Nicky because she is a real, stable figure in her life. She is her rock, and is the only person who has showed her genuine care. For Lorna this is everything. Along with being mentally ill, she is also incredibly insecure, and believes that no one will ever love her. Nicky proves to her that she is wrong, and that she is a beautiful, sweet person, who can be loved by someone, and she is by Nicky. In return, Nicky loves Lorna because she is one of the very few people in her life that has never wanted anything from her in return. She accepts, and is amused by Nicky’s sarcasm, and up until her relapse in season 4 when she calls her a junkie, addict, liar, Lorna does not judge her for her past drug addiction. She sees Nicky as she is, and they have a light, happy banter with each other. Even though we will need to see a flashback on how Nicky and Lorna met and why Nicky felt she was different, it is safe to say that Lorna did something significant, and meaningful, which is why she fell in love with her. Once Lorna accepts that she does not need a husband, or even children to live a happy fulfilling life, and Nicky is willing to plainly explain that she is in love with her and wants to be more than friends is when they can have successful relationship.

Please feel free to leave your comments 

[brentrogers]

M Is for Mental Health Awareness Month 

For most of us, the uncertainty of the future looms in the foreground of our minds, in the face of the new pandemic as we wade through the muddy headlines pouring into our daily news feeds. I find myself fastened into the driver’s seat of the automobile of my own anxieties, squeamishly yet cautiously and ever-so-steadily steering past the collisions of the crisis as I try to move forward, only to find myself unable to look away from the disaster always tailing just a few feet from behind me. 

Each of us are faced with dealing with the uneasiness of the new “abnormal” and we all share one common denominator, across the globe, despite the differences in our individual circumstances, for better or worse-grappling with the new strange face of the unknown. My day to day moods have become a pendulum swing, under the influence of the overwhelming paranoia of endless handwashing and cleaning and my perseverance to remain “hopeful and resilient” yet all the while feeling powerless, a feeling that is recycled each and every day.

For those of us who are already prone to anxiety, the quarantine can exacerbate our apprehension, a rubber band that’s already stretching beyond its limits. We squint to view the translucent line between keeping ourselves informed and tip toeing around the cliff plummeting down the black rabbit holes of never-ending information. One wrong news story can throw me off course for the entire day. Many of us who are among the anxious are already sensitive to the slight changes in the merry-go-round of our routines, and for us life has become increasingly more difficult as we try to go about our day to day in lieu of the rising death toll and intimidating new findings.

On Instagram, we are flooded with humorous memes masking the alarming concern that we all have. The truth is always funnier and sometimes it’s easier to laugh than cry. With the click of a button, we are bombarded with new heart wrenching stories of those fighting on the frontlines and lives lost. As an introvert by nature, it can be easy for me to get lost in a torpedo of thought. Quarantine can easily begin to feel as though I’m stuck in “The Bell Jar” — even if I am introverted. In my experience, my loner nature doesn’t make the quarantine any easier than anyone else who isn’t.

I make a point to unplug from it all, at least every now and again, for the sake of feeling a sense of “normalcy” — I’m sure many of us have tried a variation of this for the sake of their own mental health. When I return from my breaks from reality, whether a day walking outside for the simple enjoyments of sunshine and being outdoors, the news stops me in my tracks. I read the latest news feeling detached from the intoxication of nature only to feel as one would while walking aloofly and accidentally tripping over a pothole on the sidewalk. 

I now limit myself to just how much news I read and when. As the theories of “everything” pull me in with the ferocity of a tornado ripping apart every sense of security I’ve ever known, the quiet mantra I repeat to myself in whispers of  “everything will be okay” is now replaced with, to quote Radiohead’s Idioteque’s lyrics “This is really happening, happening” — my former worries now appear now to be miniscule in comparison to the new onslaught of trepidation. On other days, it feels as though this is yet just another brick bearing down and pulling me further into another dark, dreary downward spiral. My mind — a ping pong ball, moving back and forth between the net of the two sides — one of which is comprised of the fragile quavering thoughts of “everything will be fine in time” in the croaky, shaky voice of my subconscious and on the other a frenzied, panic unsettled and plagued by “what ifs” scenarios.

It takes a toll for some of us to find the still place of our minds where we can be unphased, at least temporarily by the ills of the world in a steady stream of calm and it’s okay to admit that. There are moments, however fleeting, where I feel as though I am nothing more than a sitting duck, waiting and biding my time, worrying for what the news refers to as the “invisible enemy” as I walk the tightrope of life thinking of all the days I squandered for granted in believing many others will soon follow with another chance to do x, y and z, pining over a time when life was alive, buzzing with the laughter and the chanting and noise of a living world.

It is important for us to acknowledge the smallest gestures of kindness, not only this month but every month, are what truly matter most now, for all of us are battling the ability to stay sane in a time of insanity, at a time when it feels though the world has gone off the rails. As we all find ways to distract ourselves from the creeping discomfort in our comfort zones and pass time, we have to remember to keep the flame of the hope, humanity and motivation burning, candles that will only help light the way out of one of the darkest chapters in our lives.

M Is for Mental Health Awareness Month  syndicated from

[whorchataaa]

M Is for Mental Health Awareness Month 

For most of us, the uncertainty of the future looms in the foreground of our minds, in the face of the new pandemic as we wade through the muddy headlines pouring into our daily news feeds. I find myself fastened into the driver’s seat of the automobile of my own anxieties, squeamishly yet cautiously and ever-so-steadily steering past the collisions of the crisis as I try to move forward, only to find myself unable to look away from the disaster always tailing just a few feet from behind me. 

Each of us are faced with dealing with the uneasiness of the new “abnormal” and we all share one common denominator, across the globe, despite the differences in our individual circumstances, for better or worse-grappling with the new strange face of the unknown. My day to day moods have become a pendulum swing, under the influence of the overwhelming paranoia of endless handwashing and cleaning and my perseverance to remain “hopeful and resilient” yet all the while feeling powerless, a feeling that is recycled each and every day.

For those of us who are already prone to anxiety, the quarantine can exacerbate our apprehension, a rubber band that’s already stretching beyond its limits. We squint to view the translucent line between keeping ourselves informed and tip toeing around the cliff plummeting down the black rabbit holes of never-ending information. One wrong news story can throw me off course for the entire day. Many of us who are among the anxious are already sensitive to the slight changes in the merry-go-round of our routines, and for us life has become increasingly more difficult as we try to go about our day to day in lieu of the rising death toll and intimidating new findings.

On Instagram, we are flooded with humorous memes masking the alarming concern that we all have. The truth is always funnier and sometimes it’s easier to laugh than cry. With the click of a button, we are bombarded with new heart wrenching stories of those fighting on the frontlines and lives lost. As an introvert by nature, it can be easy for me to get lost in a torpedo of thought. Quarantine can easily begin to feel as though I’m stuck in “The Bell Jar” — even if I am introverted. In my experience, my loner nature doesn’t make the quarantine any easier than anyone else who isn’t.

I make a point to unplug from it all, at least every now and again, for the sake of feeling a sense of “normalcy” — I’m sure many of us have tried a variation of this for the sake of their own mental health. When I return from my breaks from reality, whether a day walking outside for the simple enjoyments of sunshine and being outdoors, the news stops me in my tracks. I read the latest news feeling detached from the intoxication of nature only to feel as one would while walking aloofly and accidentally tripping over a pothole on the sidewalk. 

I now limit myself to just how much news I read and when. As the theories of “everything” pull me in with the ferocity of a tornado ripping apart every sense of security I’ve ever known, the quiet mantra I repeat to myself in whispers of  “everything will be okay” is now replaced with, to quote Radiohead’s Idioteque’s lyrics “This is really happening, happening” — my former worries now appear now to be miniscule in comparison to the new onslaught of trepidation. On other days, it feels as though this is yet just another brick bearing down and pulling me further into another dark, dreary downward spiral. My mind — a ping pong ball, moving back and forth between the net of the two sides — one of which is comprised of the fragile quavering thoughts of “everything will be fine in time” in the croaky, shaky voice of my subconscious and on the other a frenzied, panic unsettled and plagued by “what ifs” scenarios.

It takes a toll for some of us to find the still place of our minds where we can be unphased, at least temporarily by the ills of the world in a steady stream of calm and it’s okay to admit that. There are moments, however fleeting, where I feel as though I am nothing more than a sitting duck, waiting and biding my time, worrying for what the news refers to as the “invisible enemy” as I walk the tightrope of life thinking of all the days I squandered for granted in believing many others will soon follow with another chance to do x, y and z, pining over a time when life was alive, buzzing with the laughter and the chanting and noise of a living world.

It is important for us to acknowledge the smallest gestures of kindness, not only this month but every month, are what truly matter most now, for all of us are battling the ability to stay sane in a time of insanity, at a time when it feels though the world has gone off the rails. As we all find ways to distract ourselves from the creeping discomfort in our comfort zones and pass time, we have to remember to keep the flame of the hope, humanity and motivation burning, candles that will only help light the way out of one of the darkest chapters in our lives.

from https://ift.tt/3ed1QrT Check out https://peterlegyel.wordpress.com/

[ashley-unicorn]

M Is for Mental Health Awareness Month 

For most of us, the uncertainty of the future looms in the foreground of our minds, in the face of the new pandemic as we wade through the muddy headlines pouring into our daily news feeds. I find myself fastened into the driver’s seat of the automobile of my own anxieties, squeamishly yet cautiously and ever-so-steadily steering past the collisions of the crisis as I try to move forward, only to find myself unable to look away from the disaster always tailing just a few feet from behind me. 

Each of us are faced with dealing with the uneasiness of the new “abnormal” and we all share one common denominator, across the globe, despite the differences in our individual circumstances, for better or worse-grappling with the new strange face of the unknown. My day to day moods have become a pendulum swing, under the influence of the overwhelming paranoia of endless handwashing and cleaning and my perseverance to remain “hopeful and resilient” yet all the while feeling powerless, a feeling that is recycled each and every day.

For those of us who are already prone to anxiety, the quarantine can exacerbate our apprehension, a rubber band that’s already stretching beyond its limits. We squint to view the translucent line between keeping ourselves informed and tip toeing around the cliff plummeting down the black rabbit holes of never-ending information. One wrong news story can throw me off course for the entire day. Many of us who are among the anxious are already sensitive to the slight changes in the merry-go-round of our routines, and for us life has become increasingly more difficult as we try to go about our day to day in lieu of the rising death toll and intimidating new findings.

On Instagram, we are flooded with humorous memes masking the alarming concern that we all have. The truth is always funnier and sometimes it’s easier to laugh than cry. With the click of a button, we are bombarded with new heart wrenching stories of those fighting on the frontlines and lives lost. As an introvert by nature, it can be easy for me to get lost in a torpedo of thought. Quarantine can easily begin to feel as though I’m stuck in “The Bell Jar” — even if I am introverted. In my experience, my loner nature doesn’t make the quarantine any easier than anyone else who isn’t.

I make a point to unplug from it all, at least every now and again, for the sake of feeling a sense of “normalcy” — I’m sure many of us have tried a variation of this for the sake of their own mental health. When I return from my breaks from reality, whether a day walking outside for the simple enjoyments of sunshine and being outdoors, the news stops me in my tracks. I read the latest news feeling detached from the intoxication of nature only to feel as one would while walking aloofly and accidentally tripping over a pothole on the sidewalk. 

I now limit myself to just how much news I read and when. As the theories of “everything” pull me in with the ferocity of a tornado ripping apart every sense of security I’ve ever known, the quiet mantra I repeat to myself in whispers of  “everything will be okay” is now replaced with, to quote Radiohead’s Idioteque’s lyrics “This is really happening, happening” — my former worries now appear now to be miniscule in comparison to the new onslaught of trepidation. On other days, it feels as though this is yet just another brick bearing down and pulling me further into another dark, dreary downward spiral. My mind — a ping pong ball, moving back and forth between the net of the two sides — one of which is comprised of the fragile quavering thoughts of “everything will be fine in time” in the croaky, shaky voice of my subconscious and on the other a frenzied, panic unsettled and plagued by “what ifs” scenarios.

It takes a toll for some of us to find the still place of our minds where we can be unphased, at least temporarily by the ills of the world in a steady stream of calm and it’s okay to admit that. There are moments, however fleeting, where I feel as though I am nothing more than a sitting duck, waiting and biding my time, worrying for what the news refers to as the “invisible enemy” as I walk the tightrope of life thinking of all the days I squandered for granted in believing many others will soon follow with another chance to do x, y and z, pining over a time when life was alive, buzzing with the laughter and the chanting and noise of a living world.

It is important for us to acknowledge the smallest gestures of kindness, not only this month but every month, are what truly matter most now, for all of us are battling the ability to stay sane in a time of insanity, at a time when it feels though the world has gone off the rails. As we all find ways to distract ourselves from the creeping discomfort in our comfort zones and pass time, we have to remember to keep the flame of the hope, humanity and motivation burning, candles that will only help light the way out of one of the darkest chapters in our lives.

from https://ift.tt/3ed1QrT Check out https://daniejadkins.wordpress.com/

[awkwardthoughtsofanaddict]

Part one. Panic.

It’s the pain in my chest-

I can’t breathe.

My lungs are balloons

Stretched as thin and I’m being stabbed But it’s coming from within.

Inhale

Just a pin prick away from a disaster,

A nuclear meltdown and

My brains the reactor.

—————-

an open box

beside an empty bottle

on it’s side about a foot away

from a crinkled bag under some loose change.

All these things drive me insane.

The brink of my sanity is to blame.

Where the line lies is a white lie when I say I’m doing fine

I’m losing grasp on my madness

try deciphering illness from the realest. It’s my imagination.

——————

Over the edge.

I’m overboard

a sinking ship that is me,

I’m the captain

So of course I must go down with it.

I’m spiraling. Spinning. Putting on a show.

Stagnant

Unresponsive

I know i should

But the words stop flowing

Brain stops clicking

Time stops ticking

But only for a second

Before it all comes rushing

All at once.

Every ounce of liquid

I keep in this bottle,

Locked away

In the depths of my brain

Coming pouring out.

All at once.

I can’t move

Muscles tight.

Pounding in my brain

Too loud too much

All at once.

I’m convinced my chest will more than combust.

Like the balloons you stabbed at

as another, younger version of you.

Until I scream

It all comes out in words no one can understand

Because I can’t comprehend

This doesn’t make since

It’s all fake

Its not

I’m feeling

I’m not

DON’T TELL ME I’M NOT

Am i real am i not

How can I really understand until

I bash my fist against my skull so the voice stops.

Quiet.

Expect for only me, my sobs and I. Gasping for air, just one breath.

Please. I’m exasperated by seemingly nothing at all

All at once.

Inhale,

Breathe, I remind myself

Exhale.

———–

My head is much quieter

when its quiet.

[brentrogers]

M Is for Mental Health Awareness Month 

For most of us, the uncertainty of the future looms in the foreground of our minds, in the face of the new pandemic as we wade through the muddy headlines pouring into our daily news feeds. I find myself fastened into the driver’s seat of the automobile of my own anxieties, squeamishly yet cautiously and ever-so-steadily steering past the collisions of the crisis as I try to move forward, only to find myself unable to look away from the disaster always tailing just a few feet from behind me. 

Each of us are faced with dealing with the uneasiness of the new “abnormal” and we all share one common denominator, across the globe, despite the differences in our individual circumstances, for better or worse-grappling with the new strange face of the unknown. My day to day moods have become a pendulum swing, under the influence of the overwhelming paranoia of endless handwashing and cleaning and my perseverance to remain “hopeful and resilient” yet all the while feeling powerless, a feeling that is recycled each and every day.

For those of us who are already prone to anxiety, the quarantine can exacerbate our apprehension, a rubber band that’s already stretching beyond its limits. We squint to view the translucent line between keeping ourselves informed and tip toeing around the cliff plummeting down the black rabbit holes of never-ending information. One wrong news story can throw me off course for the entire day. Many of us who are among the anxious are already sensitive to the slight changes in the merry-go-round of our routines, and for us life has become increasingly more difficult as we try to go about our day to day in lieu of the rising death toll and intimidating new findings.

On Instagram, we are flooded with humorous memes masking the alarming concern that we all have. The truth is always funnier and sometimes it’s easier to laugh than cry. With the click of a button, we are bombarded with new heart wrenching stories of those fighting on the frontlines and lives lost. As an introvert by nature, it can be easy for me to get lost in a torpedo of thought. Quarantine can easily begin to feel as though I’m stuck in “The Bell Jar” — even if I am introverted. In my experience, my loner nature doesn’t make the quarantine any easier than anyone else who isn’t.

I make a point to unplug from it all, at least every now and again, for the sake of feeling a sense of “normalcy” — I’m sure many of us have tried a variation of this for the sake of their own mental health. When I return from my breaks from reality, whether a day walking outside for the simple enjoyments of sunshine and being outdoors, the news stops me in my tracks. I read the latest news feeling detached from the intoxication of nature only to feel as one would while walking aloofly and accidentally tripping over a pothole on the sidewalk. 

I now limit myself to just how much news I read and when. As the theories of “everything” pull me in with the ferocity of a tornado ripping apart every sense of security I’ve ever known, the quiet mantra I repeat to myself in whispers of  “everything will be okay” is now replaced with, to quote Radiohead’s Idioteque’s lyrics “This is really happening, happening” — my former worries now appear now to be miniscule in comparison to the new onslaught of trepidation. On other days, it feels as though this is yet just another brick bearing down and pulling me further into another dark, dreary downward spiral. My mind — a ping pong ball, moving back and forth between the net of the two sides — one of which is comprised of the fragile quavering thoughts of “everything will be fine in time” in the croaky, shaky voice of my subconscious and on the other a frenzied, panic unsettled and plagued by “what ifs” scenarios.

It takes a toll for some of us to find the still place of our minds where we can be unphased, at least temporarily by the ills of the world in a steady stream of calm and it’s okay to admit that. There are moments, however fleeting, where I feel as though I am nothing more than a sitting duck, waiting and biding my time, worrying for what the news refers to as the “invisible enemy” as I walk the tightrope of life thinking of all the days I squandered for granted in believing many others will soon follow with another chance to do x, y and z, pining over a time when life was alive, buzzing with the laughter and the chanting and noise of a living world.

It is important for us to acknowledge the smallest gestures of kindness, not only this month but every month, are what truly matter most now, for all of us are battling the ability to stay sane in a time of insanity, at a time when it feels though the world has gone off the rails. As we all find ways to distract ourselves from the creeping discomfort in our comfort zones and pass time, we have to remember to keep the flame of the hope, humanity and motivation burning, candles that will only help light the way out of one of the darkest chapters in our lives.

M Is for Mental Health Awareness Month  syndicated from