#ill respond to more starters with her later or tomorrow

[m-t-nester]

A video file is attached. Would you like to watch it?

[Video begins in darkness.

“I just don’t see why you’re letting him stay on your couch if you’re so uncomfortable with him,” Cynthia’s voice says.

“Call it a matter of personal pride, as a mother,” Em responds quietly. 

“Won’t you end up just resenting him? You’re exhausted, you need rest. I’m just worried about you.”

“I… don’t know. Maybe,” Em admits. 

Footsteps can be heard— one pair of slippers, one set of heels, and a large bipedal pokemon. The camera fades in to show Em, Cynthia, and her garchomp approaching the couch.

“Oh, shit,” Laurence says quietly. “I— am I going to get arrested?”

“Doubtful. You’re still a minor,” Cynthia says.

“Oh.” He considers this. “Can I say hi to your garchomp?”

Em sighs, muttering something about the stupidity of innocence, but sits down to supervise anyways. Garchomp seems pretty okay with this arrangement, and puts her head in Laurence’s lap.

“So, I assumed you might have had your pokemon taken by Plasma earlier,” Em says, almost conversationally. “Not a lot of kids your age don’t even have a starter. And you could be hiding from transphobic parents.”

Laurence flinches at that.

“Knock it off, he’s clearly not ready,” Cynthia snaps.

“No, I— it’s okay,” Laurence says. “I know I can’t pass that well, anyways. I’d have to dress better than I can afford to, or learn how to do makeup, and make an effort with my voice, and it’s all too much trouble. I don’t care if people clock that I was born a girl. I don’t even know for sure if I’m a boy, it’s just safer right now. It doesn’t hurt if people call me a girl. But it’s not safe.”

“You’re…. Not sure. So you’re experimenting?” Em frowns. “I see.”

“Something like that. Being a girl in Plasma wasn’t great.” He gives an emotionless smile.

“Well, I’d imagine that being part of an organization that brutally murders children isn’t great,” she remarks coldly.

Laurence doesn’t seem to notice her tone. “They weren’t brutal. They don’t beat you to death unless you really mess up and betray us, and that was only one time anyways. It was medical neglect, mostly. Preventable stuff, like how a couple people died each winter from the flu or hypothermia. Oh, or when the measles went around. I heard you’re supposed to be vaccinated against those, but we weren’t.”

Laurence keeps petting the Pokémon in his lap, seemingly oblivious to what he just said. Em looks too shocked to do anything. Cynthia has her hands clasped over her mouth.

“Historically accurate infant mortality rates,” Cynthia says very quietly, and then rushes out of the room, looking ill.

Her garchomp looks ready to follow her. Laurence pouts, trying to get the pokemon’s attention again.

“Kid. You know— that’s not normal. None of it is normal.” Em shakes her head. “They shouldn’t be recruiting kids. Kids deserve better than this. I’ll kill them all.”

“What, all the parents? Are you going to kill me the day I turn eighteen, too?” Laurence asks.

“I— what the hell?!? What do you want,” Em demands, looking more and more flustered.

“I want to reunite with my Pokémon and live somewhere safe until I stop feeling empty inside. That’s all, really.” Laurence finally loses at his attempt to keep snuggling a ten foot tall garchomp, and sighs as the Pokémon rushes off. A moment later, garchomp returns, nuzzling Cynthia. She looks pale and unwell.

“I’m going to get some water,” Laurence says, standing with a crack and wandering off into the other room.

Garchomp deposits Cynthia on the couch next to Em, gives her one last nuzzle, and then follows Laurence.

“Sorry you had to see me like that. I’ll be a proper feminist girlboss tomorrow,” Cynthia says, trying to fix her bangs. Trying to fix her composure. 

“No need for that here. It’s okay.” Em’s hand touches hers. “I’m a bad feminist too.”

“It’s stupid. It’s stupid, it’s incredibly stupid, any historian will tell you that you should never uncritically romanticize the past. They blamed technology for their problems and recreated medieval— historically accurate mortality rates. We study the past so we don’t repeat it!”

“I. Maybe I should study more,” Em admits. “I didnt know they had kids in their ranks. Plasma, I mean.”

“Is studying going to be a trauma trigger for you?”

“I dont know.”

“I dont know either.” Cynthia sighs, wiping at her eyes. Her eyeliner, normally sharp enough to kill a man with, is smeared from crying. “Hey, this might be overstepping, I don’t know, but is there any chance you could pack me a lunch or something? Whenever things go bad, I feel like I need to Do Something about it, and I’m working with interpol to raid another hideout, and—“

The camera pans downward. Em is holding Cynthia by both arms, leaning across the couch. Their chests nearly touch. Cynthia’s body language is shocked at first, then she reciprocates, wrapping an arm around Em. A lock of blonde hair falls into Em’s lap.

Video ends.]

[ofardent]

“OH MY GOSH! That ones on me,” Though it was actually on them. “I am so so sorry!”

[babyybitchhh]

Announcement

Alrighty, then. This post has been a long time coming so lets get right into it.

After much deliberation, I've decided not to push the self destruct button. I thought about it. Oh, when I say I was SO damn close to deleting this entire blog and all my fics right along with it. I'm frustrated and angry with myself, and I can't exactly say I'm doing well atm, but I know when things start to get better I'll want to write again, in earnest, and then I'd have to start over from scratch. Egg all over my face. Clown shit. We don't know her.

BUT. I think its clear to any and all that this is not working. It's just not. I expect too much of myself, for starters. And when it feels like others expect a certain level of performance from me that I just can't nail consistently due to my own ineptitude, my brain powers off. Is it some kind of executive dysfunction? Is it a fear of failing? A fear of success? Plain old anxiety? Who knows! I certainly don't. Whatever it is, it's hanging over my head like a guillotine. I'm beyond stressed and barely staying afloat irl, but then when I turn towards what should be a fun and therapeutic outlet all I see are expectations.

"When will you post the next chapter" on works that I WANT to finish but yet fear putting out a subpar product for and disappointing people.

"Will you write a follow up piece" for works that I WANT to expand on but don't know how to in a way that will make everyone else happy, let alone myself.

"Are you working on my request" for WIPs I have partially drafted and yet no way of knowing if that person - or anyone! - will even enjoy it.

I honestly feel guilty working on my own ideas instead of the multiple prompts in my inbox. I'm pretty sure that's part of my malfunction with my Ogun fic and others like it that are close to being done but remain unfinished simply because I'm thinking about what everyone else wants. It'd be one thing if I could just churn out content without a second thought but I can't. Like, it genuinely upsets me thinking that people are stuck in limbo waiting because I'm too chicken shit to just go with the flow instead of obsessing over every single line of text to the point of nausea, all for the sake of putting out "quality" content. I feel bad. I want to enjoy the writing process again, just like I did when I first got back into it with OsoSan. I shouldn't have started taking requests if I wasn't going to deliver, I know, and I sincerely apologize for my lack of foresight but it is what it is. I can't change the past. But what I CAN do is start fresh. So, long story short, there are going to be some changes coming to this blog.

A total revamp. I'm going to do an overhaul on the whole thing so don't be surprised when it starts to look different. I'm going to work primarily on navigation and organization, and try to tidy up a bit.

I'm turning off anon. Both because people looking to have a go with writers aren't so brave when that's no longer an option and also because I want to get as far away from those expectations as possible. I wont be reading or responding to comments on AO3 anymore for that same reason. I love you guys, and you're more than welcome to talk to me in DM's if you're more comfortable that way, but the long list of asks wanting to know wtf I'm doing in my spare time if not writing this or that is doing more harm than good.

I'm getting rid of the requests page and also purging any that I haven't already started working on - hopefully once I get into a better groove I'll actually be able to finish them, because I genuinely would like to. I really am sorry to everyone who's been waiting for their request to be fulfilled but I'm clearly not talented or confident enough to juggle my own ideas with someone else's. Maybe at some point in the future, when I'm a better writer, I'll start taking them again and we can all be happy.

And finally, I'm going to start experimenting with my writing method. As in, you're probably going to see shorter, less obsessively curated pieces popping up on my page that may not always be sexual in nature. I just really need to buckle down and work on this - all of it - and I'm determined to improve my skills even if it kills me. I have the urge to write every single day but it's hard when I'm the way I am and I've backed myself into a corner like this. I need to learn how to stop overthinking everything and just DO it. I know my productivity would increase and, with it, so would the overall quality of my work so I'm going to be focusing on different areas that need improvement. Not everything I put out will be good but that's part of the process, right? Right.

I totally understand if I lose followers for any of the above reasons, or even just personal ones, so don't hesitate to do so if you feel like you can't jive with this blog anymore. I appreciate you taking the time to read all this and I hope you understand my reasons for needing to do a reset on this page. This is exactly why I didn't want to start taking commissions and I would once again like to apologize to anyone I've let down.

P.S. I've had this distinct feeling that certain people in the writing community are not happy with me for a while now and although I'm not entirely sure what I've done wrong, I would still like to issue a formal apology for any toes I might have stepped on. That was never my intention. I can't claim to be a saint by any stretch of the imagination, but I have no ill will towards anyone. If its about the patreon I subscribed to and then left a month later, it had nothing to do with the author in question. I just belatedly realized I had more money coming out of my account than I could handle at the time and yes that weighs heavy on my shoulders. If its about the way I suddenly disappear in private chats, that's also something that shouldn't be taken personally. I genuinely have a hard time keeping up conversations with people, and I feel like a bother more often than not. If it's about the discords I join and then never participate in, see the above. If its about the way I fangirl or enthusiastically support some writers but not others, I never meant any harm by it. I just can't conceivably read everything that comes across my dash and, yes, my favorites are prioritized. Either way, whatever the grievances may be, anon will remain on until I start the revamp process some time tomorrow night so if whoever wants to air out their problems go for it. I probably wont post them but I will read them and try to learn from them, so have at it.

[smartguyreviewed]

1x7 - A Little Knowledge

Original air date: May 7, 1997

Hello there, friends. How are we holding up during these “unprecedented times?” I am currently holding up by pretty much being high 18/7, not sleeping and obsessing over a show that pretty much nobody talks about because I am that bored.

Really, I do want to thank anyone who takes the time to read this blog and/or drop a like. I started this blog because I enjoyed reading reviews of Lizzie McGuire and Boy Meets World. And then I thought of how not that many black sitcoms are pretty much ever really discussed. I watched Smart Guy so much when I was a kid but didn’t realize how important it was to even be watching it because we had so many other black television shows during my childhood, the complete opposite of how it is now. I always thought about even making a YouTube channel reviewing that black ass nostalgia that I love so much, but since I’m in the ugly phase of growing my starter locs, I figured I’d blog for now. 

Alright! There’s my intro. I really did mean it, but I had no idea how else to segue into the opening for this episode. By the way, if anyone is a super meticulous asshole and thinks the numbering of the episodes is off, I was honestly confused because Disney omitted a whole ass episode of the show, so I wouldn’t be surprised if the numbering of the episodes is different here but nowhere else on the web. The first season is already less than 10 episodes, so whatever.

Okay, so we open to Floyd about to do his books but he needs the little precocious calculator to help him out. This triggers me because I still have not done my taxes even though the deadline was extended. Luckily, it doesn’t appear that the Hendersons have any timely bills due but they are broke. After TJ adds up all the numbers, Floyd sees he is definitely not in the black. 

Because the episode is about money, naturally, both of Floyd’s grown children need pricey things all of a sudden. Yvette comes down and asks for a coat to replace this...thing that she’s wearing because it’s clearly ill-fitting. Floyd says he can buy her a new coat, as long as she’s not particular as to which winter she gets it in.

Up next is our Marcus, asking for something totally egregious. At least Yvette was asking for weather appropriate clothing. Marcus is asking Floyd for a $1500 bike. And now I’m confused. Why the hell would Marcus of all people need a bike? If he’s really trying his damndest to get the girls, I thought the band alone served that purpose. Regardless, Marcus needs it and he’s a teenager so the world is going to end tomorrow if he doesn’t get this deathcycle of his. He even tries to manipulate his dad by showing him a photo of Floyd on his bike. I actually think it’s cute how Floyd lights up at the sight of younger him. Maybe he met his deceased wife during these years? 

Floyd breaks out of memory lane and reminds Marcus that he, a human parent, wants the finer things also, including the chance to see his old friends at his high school reunion but that doesn’t seem to have a snowball’s chance in hell of happening. Yeah, because Floyd has to put food on the table for a woman and three guys (yes, I’m including Mo and guys eat a lot and I don’t wanna hear shit about how girls eat a lot too because guys just eat more and that’s a fact) and school all of his children. No room for the finer things.

He then says that Yvette and Marcus can buy what they want but simply have to get jobs. Marcus balks at the idea and says he wouldn’t want work to interrupt his studies. Yvette and TJ have a nice little kii over this since hahaha “Marcus is dumb,” hahaha.

We cut to TJ in his room attempting to strategize ways for the Henderson clan to save money while watching a bootleg version of Jeopardy!. Marcus comes in on the phone with Craig, the guy selling the bike, and convinces him to not sell it, even though Marcus only has 4.2% of the funds. Yvette barges in and is pissed at her annoying little brothers for not unlocking her door when they’re done with the bathroom. See, they share a bathroom in this episode. In another episode, Yvette gets her own bathroom built...somewhere because she’s tired of sharing with them. This bathroom is never mentioned again. In another episode, Marcus temporarily moves to the attic. I just wonder exactly how the Henderson house is built because it seems like there’s so much space yet so little space? 

The boys aren’t listening to Yvette however, because she stank. She credits this funk to the job she just got at the Cluck Bucket, “yanking the gushy stuff out of chickens,” as Marcus eloquently puts it. She brags, saying she makes $100 a week, which is obviously $1000 a week in 90s money. 

After TJ proposes that Yvette cut Marcus’s hair, Marcus realizes TJ is attempting to optimize their family’s finances. TJ really is doing a lot for a 10 year old here. Normally, he’s being extremely rude to them, but in this episode, he’s trying to use his intelligence to fix a problem that he has no business worrying about. Clearly, this intelligence is a gift and a curse. I’m about to be 29 and I worry all the time about things I can’t even control along with the things I can. Imagine being 10, gifted AF and stressing only about adult things you can’t control.

Marcus actually delivers good advice this episode, most likely unbeknownst to him. He commands TJ to turn off his brain and stop worrying because this is something he can’t fix. And Marcus is right. A 10 year old has zero reasons to be trying to balance the family checkbook. It would have been better if he threw a Gameboy at him and told him that’s his homework instead.

But this is TJ and he is the determinator AKA hard-headed. Bootleg Jeopardy! is about to end but the host announces a junior version of the show. TJ checks all the boxes. Youngster? Check. Living in the D.C. area? Check. In desperate need of $25k? Double check!

TJ and Marcus are back home and go over how they’re going to break the news to Floyd since obviously he wouldn’t have given TJ permission to audition if they asked. Floyd seems pissed at first when they tell him but Marcus makes sure to place emphasis on how TJ kicked ass. Floyd is proud now, even though a few moments ago, he was about to go full Papa Bear.

The next day, Piedmont is buzzing about TJ’s television debut but he’s confused because he only told his fam. We then cut to Marcus blabbing to some girl about how he can get her a seat next to him so she can give him a handjob on the sly. (Of course, we don’t even see said girl at the show.) TJ tells Marcus he didn’t want everyone to know because, understandably, now there’s more pressure on him. Marcus responds to this by putting even more pressure on him, telling Craig that TJ is going to win him the bike. Then he puts a damn anvil on it by telling Craig to raise the price to $1700 and he’ll just take the bike now. This will end well.

TJ, under immense pressure because the show is filming in 6 hours at this point (film/TV people, if you’re reading, feel free to say if this is even normal for it to move this quickly especially for an underage guest?), is up late at night studying his ass off and high off legal coke. He’s awoken Marcus who is wondering why on earth TJ would be up this early studying for a quiz television show that has a large monetary prize and they’re broke. He wants TJ to get some sleep by he’s in the zone because he had 20 cups of coffee. After a drug fueled rant, he just passes out. 

6 hours later and TJ is still high. Floyd chalks it up to nerves before TJ starts sprinting around the set. Marcus shows up, announcing he just chained up his new bike to a dumpster. This will end well. He checks in on TJ who is still coked up and not coming down anytime soon. His dad calls him over to meet the other contestants which include Dylan Roof and Yung Sharpay.

After the kids are ushered onto set, Floyd goes to the other hoity toity parents, bragging about their kids’ accomplishments. He dismisses them and says TJ actually has a life. Floyd, you dick! Afterwards, the show begins. The host is opening and says he believes that children are our future. Floyd and Marcus are backstage and in true black parent fashion, once TJ is announced, they lose their shit!

The game is now underway and Yung Sharpay and TJ are caught up. Dylan Roof is pretty much just there because he’s so far behind that it doesn’t even matter. Amy loudly tells TJ that he has a broken leg and they’re loading the shotgun because she just caught up to him. Of course, nobody heard this even though she was loud as hell. Also, racial implications much?

Yvette comes late in her work uniform and is hurriedly trying to tell Marcus a bit of info he’ll want to act fast on, but naturally, he shushes her to listen to the game that TJ is about to possibly lose. Yvette is also a petty asshole, so she doesn’t even try to tell him again. They cut to break and Yvette announces then that Marcus’s bike is gone. Turns out, locking it to a dumpster isn’t the best idea because some guy in a garbage truck stole it dragged the dumpster away. Marcus is pissed and lets slip that he paid $1700 for it which gets him in trouble because he just told Floyd that he was taking it on a test drive. Then the rest of the truth spews out. Marcus says he wanted something from the money TJ was going to win and oh mama is Floyd pissed because he naturally expects the worst from Marcus always and thinks he forced TJ to be in the competition which wasn’t even the case. Floyd tells Marcus he’s going to talk to TJ and warns him to “brace himself” for when he gets back. Yvette gleefully says she’s going to get chalk for his body outline. What did Marcus do to everyone to make them hate him so much? TJ does way shittier things than him and he’s still held in high regard. Hmm.

Floyd comes over to TJ to check in and lets him know that he’s aware of what’s going on. TJ, who has only consumed coffee and chocolate for the past few hours, is now dizzy. Floyd has to remind TJ that he has plenty of time to worry about rent and bills and student loans and credit card debt and finding a therapist and the pressure to have it “together” by the time you’re 30 which is crazy unrealistic. Good lesson and one of the few times I don’t wanna strangle TJ. Understandably, with the pressure off, TJ wants to dipset. The host, while seeing TJ and Floyd leaving, says they signed a contract so somebody needs to fill in for TJ. Cut to one of the funniest scenes in the show, hands down.

The question is how much did Thomas Jefferson, another TJ, pay for the Louisiana Purchase? This is word for word what Marcus-as-TJ says.

“Well uh, let’s see. In DC, the most you can take out of the ATM is $300 and you would wanna hold back a $20 in case something comes up, so I’m gonna say $280, Hugh.”

Yvette’s reaction says it all.

In the end, we see Yvette at the Cluck Bucket, putting on her functional gray pea coat that she probably got from Contempo Casuals or something. Marcus is the janitor now because he has to work off his debt to Craig and because remember, Marcus is a dark-skinned buffoon and couldn’t get the same job as Yvette for some reason. Whatever. I wonder what Yung Sharpay did with her prize money.

Stuff I Noticed:

- Yvette’s jacket. What is this?

- Marcus’s face for Lil’ Dylan and Yung Sharpay versus TJ. I love black families.

White lady on the left does not approve.

- No Mo this episode! :(

[itdisneymatter]

Day 06 - Shopping, Take II

TLDR: Change of plan from Volcano Bay, due to its alarming popularity we ended up on a pool/shopping day. Kids loved the pool and didn't want to leave. At the shopping malls, the kids spent more of their money with Gracie getting 2 out of 3 if the things she planned to buy - result! Ann & Myself never really bought anything, so the five full bags of kids toys went to the car for the lift home. Decided on Golden Corral buffet for dinner, just us and the folks - wasn't disappointed. Rolled home. Hatched a hatchimal.

Change Of Plans...

So I explained yesterday that we found out Volcano Bay, Universal's new water park, was VERY BUSY, and it was at capacity most days at opening. We had this park on the schedule today, but with it being full in the morning and it scheduled to rain in the afternoon, we decided to scrap the plan and do our own things instead.  Well have to wait for a good day and maybe hit the park in the afternoon for our best chance at it. As it was pretty much a free day, we allowed ourselves and the kids to sleep a little later. Our first proper trip to the hotel pool was long overdue, so once everyone was up and ready, we headed off for a swim with very happy kids. The kids absolutely love the water and after some swimming practice (, cannonballs, underwater antics and chilling by the pool-side, we decided it would be good day for shopping, especially if it was likely to rain later in the day. Here are some snaps from the GoPro which is yet to be utilized to its fullest, so will need to try harder.

Shopping, again!

We'd seen a Toys R Us on our way to Best Buy the other day, so headed back to the same shopping mall to spend a few hours this time. We hadn't had any breakfast yet, so pretty much bypassed all the shops on the way to the Food Court. There was pretty much every type of food available, but we had set our sights on Taco Bell, which was our fast food guilty pleasure from last time. We loaded up on burritos, tacos & nachos (with the exception of Robert, who went for a foot long Subway - which was his first one and was pretty stoked about it). I’m not sure if it was tiredness, but Ann tried to pay with our hotel room key card - LOL - unfortunately were not that technologically advanced yet... :P

We mostly hit shops for the kids, including Disney, Gamestop (3 different ones) and the aforementioned Toys R Us, though we did manage to pick up a few gifts for people along the way. Grace, who had here heart set on ANOTHER Hatchimal and a Furby, got both, with the Hatchimal being a rarer Draggle type (according to her, she is very knowledge about that kind of thing I led to believe). She was really really happy and couldn't wait to get home. Robert settled on Pokemon cards for the most part, and Patrick was a little more reserved. I did get a cool Star Wars Decal for the car back home so now everyone will know we a geeky family! :P

Heading back to the car, via the restaurants, Gracie recalled my promise of getting her some sushi (y'know one of those promises to kids, where you dont actually have any intention of doing the thing in the hope that theyll forget about it). Oh well, a 'promise' is a promise I suppose. So she picks a seafood platter (obvs) and the next thing I know she's sitting down with chopsticks in hand, ready to tuck in. I said she could probably just pick them up with her hands and she didnt need to struggle with the chopsticks. She just shook her head and began eating away, as if she'd been using them all her life. We were all staring in amazement at this wee 6 year old, masterfully wielding two bamboo sticks to eat her lunch. Now, we dont actually eat that much sushi (save for me and P), and I think we've used chopsticks once, through our make you own sushi phase - so Im bewildered where she has picked this up. Watching too much Kung fu Panda, maybe?

Last stop before home is Walmart to get a few essentials and it is here where we were enlightened by Patricks Fun Fact Of The Day. And with this, Ill give you an example of how Patrick Fun Facts come about. We were in Walmart, walking past the freezer isle and see ice lollies. One brand which are called popsicles, to which he responds out of the blue:

Y'know the Popsicle was invented by an 11yr old called Frank Epperson? When he was wee, he put a stick in a can of soda and left it overnight.  He called them Eppsicles but when his kids came along, they began to call them Pops' sicles and the name stuck...

And this happen at least once every single day. We'll just be blethering about something and Patrick will pipe in with his wee Fact and then carry on as if nothing happened, its really funny and astounding at the same time.

Dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner... BATMAN!

We'd planned dinner for Golden Corral, a buffet place (or rather palace), and were joined by my mum and dad. The other guys had had a later lunch so weren't ready for a full on buffet yet. It was just as awesome as I remember, but I have to call particular attention to the Steaks, these things were absolutely massive!!! Ill pop a pic of some of the *smaller* ones I managed to snap below, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen steaks so big. And they just go and cook them to order for you right there and then, its brilliant! 

I did also manage to grab my first dessert here - Pumpkin pie, which is one of my absolute favorites but don’t normally get to eat it because well I don’t live in America. Everyone was satisfied from starter to dessert including little Gracie who still seemed to have a passion for chocolate covered strawberries...

An image from the archives from 4 years ago...

And now tonight...

We noted the time in the UK had turned midnight as we finished up which marked the official time for Patrick’s birthday (not when everything turned back to a pumpkin. though wont be fully celebrated here in until tomorrow). He was pretty content and was now really looking forward to tomorrow :) On our road home (to apparently hatch a Draggle, dont ask), we were treated to a rendition of of the song 7 years, performed by Grace Gaffney (originally by Danish pop group, Lukas Graham). Its here song of the holiday and shes been practicing ever since we got here. I’m pretty sure she'll have this perfected by the end of the three weeks and Ill likely have a video of the finale performance for your pleasure. Watch this space.

Tomorrow Universal Studios and more importantly the not so wee Patrick officially turns 11. Eeek.

[tcalchemist]

Down The Rabbit Hole And Back Again. Wow. I haven't posted anything on here in over a year. Crazy, ain't it? So much has happened. For starters, I have dreads now. Started my loc journey back in April. If nothing else teaches me patience, this will. I fell out of love, fell back in love, and fell out of love again. I also came out to my family. But obviously, everyone knew of course. And they took it very well. My stepmom, Kim, who I've "hated" since day one, is probably the best stepmom ever now. She's more caring, more patient, still crazy of course, but much more loving now. She had a conversation w/ my older sister not too long ago and told her that she's very overprotective of me. That she believes there isn't a woman in this world that's good enough for me. Never in a million years did I ever see us being as close as we are now. It's insane. My best friend got married back in September. Unfortunately I couldn't be there because my job, that I am no longer working at, was on complete bullshit. I still feel bad for not being there for her. On the bright side she came back home in January and has been here since. This is the longest she's been here since she left for school back in 2011. I'm going to miss her so much when she leaves for Cali in a couple of weeks. I'm always missing her. Now we can get to the good stuff. The woman I fell in love with. After things fell through btwn the DJ that I was dating early last year, I convinced myself that I was good on love. I said fuck feelings and focused on performing and avoiding my feelings as much as possible. Until I went to my friend's studio session back in October. I'm sitting upstairs (I lowkey call it Bird's Eye View) writing my verse that I'm getting ready to lay down, and a girl comes walking upstairs w/ one of her friends and sits next to me, as they continue their prior conversation. I'm obviously red in the face and staring this gorgeous woman down, as if I've never seen anyone more beautiful. She was light-skinned w/ long, turquoise and blue locs, pretty light-brown eyes w/ an outfit on that I'd wear. The fact that I can still remember what she had on that day is crazy. She had on blue jeans, gold gym shoes, a white crew neck sweater that was set up like a bible verse that said, "Thou shalt not cometh for me unless I sendeth for thee." She also had on a black skull cap that said "ill" on it. All of this from one look. I had to introduce myself. And sure enough, I did. "Hey! My name is Crimson! Nice to meet you!" My dumbass introduced myself to this girl using my stage name. How. Stupid. 🤦🏾‍♀️ Sure enough, we end up talking and got really cool really REALLY fast. We just, clicked. She was funny, awkward, and super enlightened. I don't think I've ever connected with someone so smoothly other than Kelsey. In a way, things moved a bit fast. But, at the time, it seemed like we had known each other much, much longer. Unfortunately, things got complicated. The girl that she was previously in a relationship with, wanted her back. What's worse is she claimed the two kids her ex had w/ her ex husband. Sure enough, they ended up back together. I was glad that she was honest with me about it, but at the same time sad that whatever was going on btwn us had to end. I was fine being just friends with her, and I was willing to try to be just that, just as long as she was. So we tried. That lasted for about an hour. 🙄🤦🏾‍♀️😂 So, here I am, hanging with this girl and going out, spending all of my spare time with her, and she's in a full-fledge relationship with her ex, who didn't deserve to be with her at all. After a while, she noticed and realized that her ex didn't change her ways, that she blatantly didn't give a fuck about her issues, and was overly insecure about everything. What her gf lacked in, I had to make up for all of it. If she needed a ride, I had her. She wanted to relieve some stress, I was there for her. When she had to go to the doctor and she was afraid to go alone, I was right by her side. I was in love with her, way before my mind even could conjure up such a thought. A feeling. Something that I told myself I never wanted to feel for someone again. The day after Christmas, she broke up with her gf. In a way, I was happy because I knew she deserved way better. But I was also sad, because I knew she wanted things to work out with her girl, yet her gf didn't even realize the amazing woman that she had. And of course, I was there for her through all of it. Trying to mend a broken heart, and at the same time trying to keep my feelings in check. A few weeks later, things got rocky btwn her and I. After I got back from visiting California in early December, I got let go from my job. I honestly hated the job, but it was the worst time for me to start losing shit. My grandmother ended up losing our house because it became too much to try to keep it. I took it really hard, only because I know how much she loved her house, and I felt weak for not being able to do more to help her keep it. So my attitude started to change. We got into it about the smallest shit. Unnecessary shit that could've been simply discussed. She was helping me out as far as gas money, and whatever else I needed. For anyone that knows me, knows that I hate asking other ppl for help and relying on others. I felt weak that I couldn't provide at the time, and I took it out on her. All she wanted to do was help me, and I acted like a jackass towards her. And then, the icing on the cake. She's an artist, so she was getting ready for an art show that she was doing all by herself. I wanted to help in any way I could, so I told her that I'd take care of the DJ part for the show. What I didn't tell her is that the DJ and the girl that I was talking to before her were the same person. Bad, terrible fucking move, I know. I just knew that if I told her, she wouldn't have wanted her to do it. She cussed me out, said she could never trust me, and said that she was done with me and hung up on me. I never felt so terrible in my life. For days I was just trying to figure out how I could make things right with her. How I could get back one of the best things that ever happened to be part of my life? I had to be patient. She ended up calling me about two weeks later. And said she wanted to start ovr. As friends. A month passes and her art show comes up. She's nervous and anxy, trying to make sure everything goes right. I take up the responsibility to help in whatever way that I can, all because I knew how important her first solo art show was to her. The fucking DJ comes late, and when she does come, she sets up the speakers, leaves a playlist on, and leaves. If it's any mistake I've ever made it was talking to that careless, nonchalant piece of shit. Fuck her. Anywho the show was a success. Everything was perfect. At the end, she made a speech thanking everyone for coming out. She also gave a special thank you to her best friend, and my homeboy, Calvin; her mother, whom she dedicated her art show to; and lastly, to myself. I was beyond shocked. I wasn't even expecting it due to the fact that she lowkey hated my guts still. On Valentine's Day, I decided to call her and let her know how I really felt about the "just friends" situation. As I'm trying to talk to her, I notice someone saying something to her in her background. As if someone was whispering something in her ear. She was obviously with some chick and said that she'd call me later. I was so crushed in that moment. How could she move on so fast as if all that had happened btwn us didn't even exist? Later that night she called me back and I told her what it was. That I couldn't just be friends with her. I tried and tried but I knew that I wanted her to be in my life as more than that. "So that's it?" she says. I respond with a dry "Yeah." She says ok and hangs up on me. Immediately right after, she blocked me on all social media and my phone number. *Fast Forward Months Later* May. My birthday month. I threw an event with a few friends of mine. I'm good, I was working two jobs, and doing shows back to back. I also started talking to an older woman who had been crushing on me for years. My life is finally getting back to where it needed to be. Until I ran into her at my event. And sure enough, she's with her girl. All my emotions crashed down in that one moment. She said hey to me in an excitedly, fake way, and gave me a hug. So I played along. *quick reverse* She cut all of her hair off before her show. *back to the story* She starts to comment on my hair and the fact that I started my locs after she cut hers off. As I'm telling her how I had already made my mind up to start them a year later but instead I said to hell with it and just started them this year, someone else she knew walked up and started talking to her. So I did the most logical thing at he moment, and walked away. All of the feelings I had for her rushed back down. She looked so good, I couldn't stand it. So here I am, back in my feelings about the girl I could've been with for the rest of my life. I feel as if I just might need closure. If I can talk to her face to face, maybe I could fully move on, and actually give this new girl a chance. I don't know. All I know is that I've developed an unconditional love for a woman who probably wouldn't even bat an eye if I were to get killed tomorrow. Okay that might be a bit extra but, you never know. The only thing I know is that I love her. I'll always love her, no matter what. If I had a chance to go back in time to change my selfish ass actions, I would. I just pray that she's happy and becoming more and more amazing, and being shown the love that I could not give her. I love and miss you, Asia.