#ill probably edit this down or reposr it impersonally with just the last point

[assaultmystic]

.

i had this belief when i was a kid that my abuse was the function of some sort of fundamental misunderstanding. so being very autistic, i hyperfixated on a number of things i took to be models of clear and effective communication. the thing is, the more articulate i got the more the people who abused me utilised that fact itself for ignoring my attempts to express my needs. they would say “youre too clever for us”, and “we cant understand you”. aside from the fact that this shows up pretty clearly that it is a fools game trying to communicate as a child in those situations, it was also profoundly isolating. it established a baseline level of “cleverness” needed to successfully communicate with me that my primary caregivers did not have. that presumably most people did not have. that in attempting to become clearer to avoid abuse i had just made myself more unintelligible. that there was a sweet spot and id missed it and it was my fault again.

obviously none of that was true but i have a sore spot now. i dislike it when people who post/talk “like they read too much” are discredited for not using “straightforward” language. it can sometimes cover for a dereliction of your conversational duty to another to say the other uses big words, or whatever. idk. i think especially for autistic people who may hve trained on communicative habits in an unconventional way, the idea that “big words” are a purely self-aggrandising opt in as opposed to authentic vocabulary is fucking dangerous.