#ill have my tablet w/me but this one may come a day later

[cerealmonster15]

[prev]

Looks like Idia found the courage to come COMPLAIN at Jade for taking over last poll.

Jade is following protocol, of course 😌

I think Idia forgot about the mistletoe part, and got a little caught off guard 🫢

[not-using-this1]

Sick day cuddles

So I came up with this idea last night but didn’t know whether to write it with Alcina or Donna, so I let let people on my twitter decide and Donna won which I wasn’t expecting but I love her :) 

Luciana is going to be the name of the character I write with for Donna as she is my Oc but I will use ‘you’ for you guys as readers :)

This is my first Donna Beneviento oneshot and I’m still developing ways to write her to stay true to her as a character so bare with me! 

I may even make a part 2 if any of you like this and want me to!

(Gif isn’t mine)

Donna sends Angie to wake up Luciana as she got up earlier to finish making this doll. Luciana hadn't gotten out of bed yet and she thought that was weird for her. However she doesn't want to get out of bed and so Donna checks to see if she's okay, but it turns out shes sick.

Basically Donna takes care of her girlfriend and even cuddles with her not caring that she could get sick to.

Warning/s: None

Nothing but Donna being adorable, shy even and wanting to care for her girl.

Donna Beneviento x Fem!Oc 

Donna had been wondering all morning why her lover hadn't gotten out of bed yet. She usually gets up an hour after her due to the fact she has been getting up early everyday to work on this new doll project. Angie, her favourite doll from childhood by her side as she watches her finish off the hat she had been making for the doll.

"Angie, could you go check on Luciana for me? I'm rather worried she hasn't gotten up yet". Donna asked the wedding dress clad doll, worry on her face was barely visible due to her wearing the mourning veil over her.

Angie chuckled at how worried Donna was but still she stood up and jumped down from the wooden chair the doll had previously sat on. "Of course, but you worry too much. She is probably having one of those days".

Donna sighed at her very much living doll "yes but those happen rarely anymore, now please Angie." Donna asked her once more. In fact she wasn't even asking she was telling her.

The doll ran into the hall and managed to get up the stairs with ease to Donna and Luciana’s bedroom. Of course it's hers too but she has a room by herself sometimes or just stays down the stairs with other dolls aka 'friends'.

Opening the door slightly so she could squeeze passed the gap. Luciana was on her side like usual but snuggling up to Donna's pillow. Angie chuckled at the sight before tapping the young woman on the forehead a few times.

The woman let out a whine and then some more as Angie continued poking her "Wake up Luciana!" She shreaked.

"Go away Angie" You coughed as she turned to face the wall, Donna's pillow still in your grasp as you hugged it tighter. Kicking the bedsheet off yourself as it was way too warm. "Someones moody, come on you've gotta get up!" Angie had prompted to try and budge you out of bed but clearly that wasn't working whatsoever.

"Angie no, I really don't think I can get up today" that immedietely put Angie in 'go fetch Donna' mode. So without another thought Angie rushed out of the room, leaving you to curl up in a ball and complain, you were definitely sick there was no denying that.

A couple minutes of being in the bedroom, nothing but silence and sometimes coughs and sneezes. You had tried to get comfy but nothing seemed to be working. Suddenly the door opening startled you to the point you sat up straight away only to see it was just Donna, a very concerned girlfriend she was.

You smiled at her, she removed the mourning veil from over her face as of course she felt comfortable around you, you smiled again, god she was so beautiful (if only your girls beauty was the cure to your sickness) she brightend up your morning.

"L-Luci my love are you alright?" Donna asks quietly as she sits at the side of your shared bed, you nodded your head 'yes' trying not to worry her too much but you knew she wouldn't believe you for a second especially because she must of heard you whining, coughing and sneezing.

"No, you're not, lay back" Donna instructed you, of course you complied. The raven haired woman placed her hand gently upon your forehead. "Oh you're burning up. Let me go get you some medicine and something to cool you down" Donna gives you a shy smile, just as she was about to get up from the bed you grab her arm "I'm sorry" you manage to get out without coughing.

You were supposed to be going out of the village to the store to fetch a few things and groceries today and you felt the need to apologise just for being ill. This was always a habit of yours, apologising for something so silly but you couldn't help it.

Donna sighs at you "there's no need to apologise, you can't help being ill sometimes. I'll send Tom the gardener out to fetch the groceries." Donna replies, she leans down and presses a kiss to your forehead "I'll be back in a minute, okay?" She adds as she gets up and walks out the room.

Angie keeping you company "you humans are so fragile. Quit being ill so we can continue those horror movies!" Angie oh-so enthusiastically points out as she sits bored on a chair in the bedroom.

You let out a low chuckle as you layed back down and turned to face the doll "sometimes we can't help being ill Angie and who said we can't watch the horror movies while ill?"

That response made Angie jump up in joy and made you laugh slightly even though it hurt due to the stomach ache you had also gotten. "Um, I did. Wait until you get better, Luciana darling." Donna walks back in the room with some medicine and a glass of water with ice in it.

Angie huffed and left the room to go find something else to do like hang out with the other dolls for a bit while Donna sorted you out. You sat up as she handed you the tablets and also a glass of water "Here these should help and at least ease some of the pain and get your temperature back to normal".

You took the tablets and drank most of the water no problem but your stomach really wasn't agreeing with it, you groaned falling back down onto the bed "Why did I have to have the bad luck of being ill" you complained to your doll-making girlfriend. Still keeping your silly humour regardless.

"You don't have bad luck my dear, it just happens." Donna responded but thats honestly not what you wanted right now, you just wanted to cuddle her. So again before she could get up you stopped her by grabbing her blouse "W-what is it?" she asked you, the shyness still in her voice even though she had known you since childhood and has literally dated you for the passed 3 years.

Still you thought it was cute.

You coughed trying to clear your throat "could you stay? I know you're busy but I don't want to be alone right now" you asked her, pouting.

And who was she to refuse, Donna blushed slightly. She would drop everything just for you and besides you're more important to her. "Of course".

You smile at her as she gets into the bed with you, instantly pulling you in her arms, she presses a few kisses to your lips "you'll get sick too if you do that" you chuckle in her arms. "Worth it" she chuckles.

You return the kiss but on her forehead, you didn’t want her getting sick either. If it was possible to get Donna even more flustered well this was the way to do it. "Can me and Angie still watch those horror movies later tonight?" you asked quietly.

"No, just resting tonight." You pouted at her response "buuuuut-" you dragged on.

"No buts, you can watch them tomorrow if you're feeling better but right now I just want to stay like this with you. Tom has gone to get the groceries, Angie is probably-

"Lovebirdsssss" Angie cut off Donna as she waltzed into the room and climb up on the bed "Donna, Florence wanted me to ask you what you would like for dinner later?" She asks.

"What would you like, darling?" Donna asks you.

You shrug your shoulders at first, the raven haired womans arms still wrapped around you "I don't know if I can stomach anything solid so soup?" you questioned. Donna was more than happy to have that for today and even Angie was fine with that (yes she is a doll but she can eat a very small portion of food if she wanted to).

"Soup it is" Angie over-exagerated her voice as she cheered making both you and Donna laugh as she jumped off the bed to inform the cook what everyone wanted tonight.

"You don't have to stay if you want to finish working on that doll you know".

"No no shush, I'm staying now I'm more than happy." Your girlfriend mentions reassuring you that she is just fine with staying by your side the rest of the day. You wondered how you got so lucky to have such a soft but shy and beautiful childhood best friend and girlfriend in one.

[oboevallis]

trying

“Hey, I’ve gotta get to work. Are you sure you’ll be fine here?” Link asked his girlfriend who was watching the TV.

“Yep.” A distracted Amelia responded.

“Mkay, love ya.” Link pressed a kiss to her forehead, and one to her swollen abdomen which she pushed him off of her.

“Link, you know I hate it when you do that.” The neurosurgeon sighed dramatically.

“I know I’m sorry.” Link apologized as he made his way towards the door.

“You know you keep saying your sorry, but continue to do it.”

“Bye Amelia, have a good day.” Link smirked as he closed the door behind him.

“Whatever.”

________________________________________

“Oh hey, Maggie.” Link greeted as he walked into the scan room. “I was hoping I’d run into you I need some advice.”

“Sure, what can I help you with?” She asked spinning in her chair to face him.

“I’m just worried about Amelia. I mean she told me about her son once and hasn’t talked about it since, and I think she’s just shoving down a lot of her feelings. I just want her to feel okay, I understand it’s difficult for her but maybe if she would just talk about it she’d be able to feel better. I don’t mind being her punching bag, but she’s just going off on the littlest things.” Link ranted, he’d never thought it was a thing, but you really do pick up on your spouses mannerisms.

“Wait what?” Maggie asked confused.

“Wait what, what?”

“Amelia’s had a baby before?” Maggie asked confused, Amelia always talked about everything how did this never come up?

“Wait, you didn’t know? Crap sorry, I probably shouldn’t of said anything.” Link was internally beating himself up, of course if she so grudgingly told him, she probably wasn’t quick to tell anyone else. His pager then went off with 911. “Sorry I’ve got to go.”

This left a very confused Maggie, how did she never know about this? she knew it was an invasion of privacy and most likely illegal. But that didn’t stop her from pulling up her sisters medical records on her tablet. She scrolled past the time she would’ve been in Seattle, she would’ve known. She slowed down once the hospitals and practices she was admitted in when she was down in LA. She tapped on the last visit she had while she was there, and a ‘locked’ notice showed up on her tablet. She knew if she requested access that’d send a message to her doctor to her allowing for consent to allow another doctor to look at the information.

“Any good cases?” The door opened, causing Maggie to jump.

“Are you okay?” Meredith asked concerned.

“Oh yeah. I don’t have any good cases.”

“Really? Then why’d you turn you tablet over abruptly when I walked in? Oh, please don’t tell me your planning to commit a crime to save someone’s life, we can’t have you in the verge of jail as well.” Meredith jokes with her twisted sense of humor.

“W-what? Nothing I was just d-diverting my attention to you.” She’d always been a terrible liar.

“Ooookay then. Hey could you possibly get the kids from daycare tonight? I maybe late getting home.”

“Sorry I can’t tonight.” Maggie apologized, she was now planning to go see Amelia.

“Hot date?”

“Oh no not tonight.” She looked down at her watch, her shift was about to end. “I’ve got to go, bye Mer.”

________________________________________

A knock on the door interrupted Amelia from the reality show she’d been binging. She slowly got up to answer the door whilst still paying attention to what was happening.

“Hey! I saw you were off today and tomorrow, sooooo I thought I’d come over with some fries and ice cream.” Maggie cheerfully smiled holding up the bags in her hands. Amelia distractedly welcomed her in then she made her way back to the couch. It was nearing the part where an obviously staged fight would take place, it was her absolute favorite part. But once the episode ended Maggie got hold of the remote and turned off the TV, which caused Amelia to let out an irritated sigh.

“Maggie what is your deal? You come over unannounced and then turn off the Tv?” Amelia was letting her hormones get the best of her.

“Well, since you’ve moved out I haven’t seen you as much.I’ve missed you.”

“I’ve missed you too, but it’s not normal for you to show up to somewhere without clarifying your plans ten million times. Are you okay?” Amelia asked less annoyed but now concerned with her sisters surprise visit.

“Yeah, I’m fine. I’m worried about you.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know you’ve just kind of been kind of quiet lately and your definitely not a quiet person and when you do have conversation with someone your kind of snippy.”

“I’m hormonal, Maggie.” Amelia said as she hoisted herself off the couch, and went into the kitchen.

“Amelia.” Maggie said with concern tainting her voice. “I know your not okay, and that’s fine. You need to talk though.”

“I appreciate your concern but I’m fine, just hormonal.”

“Link told me.” Amelia froze as she scooped ice cream.

“Told you what?” She faced away from her sister, she didn’t want Maggie to see her cry.

“That you’ve had a baby before.” Maggie cautiously said, trying not to upset her sister any further. “You’ve never told me that.”

“It’s not something I talk about.” She handed Maggie a bowl with ice cream and slowly lowered herself onto the couch. They sat in silence eating ice cream. She knew she couldn’t go through telling the story right now, so she grabbed her work tablet from the coffee table and opened up her OB files, handing the tablet to her sister. Maggie silently read over the information she was just handed. “Ironic right?” She chuckled trying to make light.

“Oh Amelia.” Maggie didn’t quite know what to say, she couldn’t imagine what that must of been like. As Maggie tried to find the words to say Amelia spoke up.

“I feel guilty.” Maggie tried to speak up but Amelia cut her off. “I know I shouldn’t but I do. Don’t get me wrong I’m so so so grateful this baby is healthy. But I just feel guilty, and I know I should talk about him I just can’t muster up the energy. So I’m just crappy to Link and he doesn’t deserve that.”

Maggie didn’t know what to say in the least bit. So she placed the bowl onto the coffee table and brought Amelia into a hug which she tried to push off at first, but eventually complied. She let the neurosurgeon sob, while assuring her it’d be okay. Even though that probably mean nothing, because everything was obviously not okay. But eventually she cried herself to sleep, but Maggie continued to hold her.

“Hey.” Link greeted, and then turned around taking in the situation. “Is she okay?”

“I think she will be.” Maggie whispered. “I had no idea she went through any of that.”

“Me either until she told me.” Link whispered in response. Going over to the couch to pick up his girlfriend and bring her to bed. “Thanks for coming over. It really means a lot.”

“Of course.” As link walked out of the living room carrying his girlfriend Maggie headed for the door.

“Thanks for carrying me to bed.” Amelia whispered as Link was almost at the doorway, this caused him to turn around and lay on the bed facing his girlfriend.

“Do you want to talk about Christopher?” Link said in barley a whisper.

“Not right now, but maybe later.” Link kissed her forehead.

“May I?” Link asked a hand hovering over her bump. To this Amelia nodded yes, he traced soothing circles onto her abdomen.

“When i was pregnant with Christopher, I never had this. The father just being there. It’s just new, and I just feel guilty. I’m sorry I’ve been so crappy to you.”

“Don’t apologize. Not for a second should you apologize.”

“God, have I ever told you how much I love you?”

“Only everyday.” Link smirked. “And for the record I love you too.”

i got a prompt form an anon asking for a fic where amelia is annoyed with people touching her bump i feel like this wasn’t what they were looking for so sorry about that ill probably do a fic more around that,but i hope everyone is doing well and staying safe

[twilightvolt]

A 3 month late art summary featuring art that i haven’t uploaded here due to my absence. unless i randomly feel like it, i don’t think i’m gonna go back and upload them here. if you wanna see them, though, they’re all on my DA.

I know i've pretty much said all the important bits in A Sacrifice for the Wind, but i figure i reiterate everything said along with expanding upon everything that occurred during 2017. piece by piece. and yes, i did intend to make an art joke. So, to get it outta the way, 2017 stunk more than a dead fish on a city bus. i lost a lot during that year. i lost the will to believe in whatever the future had in store for me, i almost lost a few friends, i lost my motivation to work on my projects and above all...i lost the smile i've always kept on every year before that. never have i been so emotionally damaged in all 5 years of my artist life leading up to this point. But, i can't say it was completely terrible. as much as i bashed it, art wise, 2017 was a very progressive year. looking at every wedge on the clock, i can't stop staring at how far i've come since the end of 2016. after being stripped of my tablet at the end, i've even learned how to not be afraid of making permanent mistakes. But yeah, let's begin. by turning the clock all the way back to January. when things were much simpler.... January: Hukaro Nakawa ~Final Mix Yeah, this was done in October, but i uploaded it in January for Moon's birthday. plus, there was nothing noteworthy this month. i still remember all the nice comments i got. this was the beginning of a year that i ran right in and yelled "LET'S SHOW THIS WORLD THAT WE WON'T STAND FOR ANOTHER 2016!" Oh how naive i was... February: The Beast Inside Remember when i played a lot of League in my free time? i sure do. anyway, this was my next attempt after Hukaro to continue doing my "Squeenix Cinematic Style." this time on the, at the time, new revamp for Warwick. needless to say, i still think i did a better job on Hukaro. BUT, this was still pretty good. it was during these first few months when things were really lookin' up for me. i was continually working on things cuz i really wanted to make something and school was pretty cool too. March: Digimon ZX Cover ZX ISN'T DEAD I SWEAR! *ahem* I MEAN....hai. owo As we march on into March, i think R2 of Digimon Temporal Jump was going on at the time. we were going through our story entries and things were pretty great being with my best buds. i also began doing art streams i'm pretty sure, with this drawing in particular being done during two days of streaming. i'm being serious, by the way. ZX is not dead. i've been typing up the story on my phone, so look forward to those chapters sometime soon! April: Are You Ready? Yup. in anticipation for Digidestined.Com, i decided to start seriously developing Digimon Unchained ahead of time so people would be able to get to know Yuki beforehand. unfortunately, i didn't actually get to start the story until much later, but that was just me being a lazy bum. i was hangin' out on Discord and stuff, talking about how excited i was for what was to come. we all know what happened, but at the time, being able to go back to the world i once knew with Luneth was a big deal for me. it's like i was going back to the beginning. And fear not, peeps! i've been working on Unchained for quite awhile. you'd be surprised how much i've worked on it with Gao. ^w^ May: Bits n' Bytes Ultima Vocal Collection Oh yeah, i did a birthday gift for Fire too! just so you know, i do still wanna make OSTs for my other Digimon adventures, but without my tablet i can't really do them right now. this month was pretty alright if i remember. making new friends and strengthening bonds with old friends. things were pretty fun in the sun cuz y'know......summer was coming. June: Connection Flow in Ice and Snow AWWW YEEEAAAAH, LET'S KICK IT!!! *Another Way by Girugamesh plays at full blast* (if .Com had a vocal OST, that would be opening.....3 if i remember the list i made. would've been the final opening i think. it's been awhile since i looked at the files.) Now that .Com finally began, i was on the hype train to the sun as i feverishly worked hard on my .Com stuff. this poster was one of my proudest works this year tbh. i promised i would make something great outta this story. this would be the closure that Luneth and Vivi so desperately needed, and Yuki and Arcus would be the ones to save them and close their book for good. not only that, but i was also graduating high school. after throwing my cap in the air, i said my heartfelt goodbyes to all the friends i've known since elementary and middle school including the close friends in my AP Art Squad. Team AP Art Will Never be Apart! honestly, things couldn't be any more exciting for me. Gee, it would be a shame if something were to happen that would trigger a chain of events that would divide my friends forever and send me down a spiraling pain train to the void known as crippling depression. July: DigiJuly Day 5: V-Mon (Vivi) This drawing was done to commemorate three years of adventures with Luneth and Vivi. this was during DigiJuly, when i was doing Digimon doodles nonstop for the duration of the month. What was once a hype train became a train wreck once July came around. things were ok until DTJ burned down in a raging fire and that set the stage for the rest of the year. i literally wouldn't be able to overcome any of this until November or so. i don't wanna dwell on it anymore since i'd be sounding like a broken record at this point. August: D3P: D-Sona 3 Portable Not a lot of art this month either. can you believe that? XD Hoo boy. August. need i say anything more about this month? we thought things settled down after DTJ shut down, but something was amiss.... This was the month that it happened. the climax of the story best left untold....even though i told it a hundred times already. >_>' Outside of the incident, time was running short for our stay at our current home and we were thinking of our next move. i began to worry about college as steep student debt caused us to have a change of plans on where to go. i was beginning to doubt if i even had a future to believe in. i was running out of options, and i was running out of hope. And trust me, it only gets worse from here. September: The Next Generation After awhile, things were still going on outside my realm of knowledge. it only made me feel worse seeing everything transpire long after the initial conflict. with this stigma hanging over me, i finally decided to pack my bags and leave the Digimon group era of my artist life. it was a pretty sour note to end it on, but let's be real here, there was no way i could wait any longer for things to get better. granted, my birthday was awesome, and i couldn't thank everyone enough for coming together to try to bring my spirit back. unfortunately, my bout with depression was just beginning. it was so bad, i pretty much stopped taking care of myself, which would lead to a few days ago when i'd end up with one less tooth in my mouth. i swear i won't let it get that bad again. With everything plummeting down to the dark abyss, i said goodbye to the life i once knew. from here on, things were about to change. i wasn't gonna end here. not now. October: Howling in the Shadows From this month forth, my family had no idea where we were going. the beginning of the tale of the borderline homeless that still continues to this day. Packing away my computer and drawing tablet for what feels like an eternity, i was moving out of my current home that we rented for the duration of my senior year and into grandma's house......in a raging storm. i'm not kidding. the rain was so bad that when we got there, our clothes were completely soaked and we couldn't even see 5 feet ahead of us outside that night. i knew immediately that it was some sort of ill omen for what was to transpire in the coming months. in fact, i even had dreams of the aftermath of what might happen. Now that i was stripped of my digital art abilities, i had to think of something else to do. so, i decided to dedicate myself to going back to traditional art. Boy, did i have fun. November: Return to the Realm of Sleep Now, this was the only thing i was able to crank out in November. BUT, that doesn't mean i didn't draw. i drew stuff, but nothing noteworthy enough to upload here. i'm gonna tell it to you straight now. Arcus will return. With my mental health still kicking me in the butt (it hit me so hard i had a panic attack one day.), i wasn't really motivated to draw much. in fact, i even hid myself away from the internet for quite awhile. without my friends or my sense of purpose, i felt like i had nothing and i was pretty under the weather for a majority of this month. that being said, i snapped myself out of it by force. it was stupid that i still felt the way i did months after what happened. sure, it was horrible, and i wish i could forget everything. but i can't stay stuck in the past. And so, i picked up my colored pencils and other such tools, and began my journey to recovery. December: Lexicon (Lex) and A Sacrifice for the Wind I got the hang of drawing traditionally pretty quickly. throughout the month, i was on fire, drawing masterstroke after masterstroke. (at least, in my opinion. XD) Making my new home in the mobile communities of Amino, it was a nice change of pace from the big screen of my computer. i made a bunch of new friends (to the staff of the Aminos i'm in and the rest of the crew in our Digimon Discord server, you guys are the best and thank you for healing the pain of yesteryear!) and had a grand old time making new OCs, Lex being one of them. i honestly luv Appmon and i wish we got more, but i'm content with what we got tbh. it'll live on in Seikatsu and his friends. be ready to see them once again in the near future! And so, in the wake of destruction as the world continues to change around me, i chopped off my signature anime emo locks, revamped my wardrobe and set my sights toward the future. Nowadays, i've completely moved on from the pain, but that doesn't change the fact that it still happened. overall, 2017 was a complete pile of poopoo garbage and i'm glad the nightmare is finally over. Even if i can't completely write it off as bad, there's just way too many negatives that weigh down the rest of the year for me personally. it's March now and things are pretty hectic, but i've got newfound courage and i know this year will be better than the last. time for me to get back up and charge forth to a better tomorrow!

[viridescent-lament]

someone paying an absurd amkunt of attention to my recent rbs may have noticed all the art i rbed is tagged with inspo and favorites. and that is because. i can look at so many things i love in all this art. and look at my art and realize i cant even begin to mimic that. i cant compare. 

im going to back up because theres a bit more i think. just a dump of things that have affected? my mood

a few days ago. i look at my face. i see bumps. i am very concerned (im supposed have a clear face because thats one of the few consistent compliments on my face thats the one measurable thing that i liked about it -)

i do a mask or two (a rare event, and a different maskni havent used before) it doesnt gok away. but while im looking. i realize i dont hate my face (at the time). i recognize several things that arent bad and some that are neutral. from this point on ive cokntinued to do an apricot scrub but those bumps remain (they were there befoe school but i suspect wearing a mask all day has worsened it.)

i work on an art piece for a few days. i am not happy wiuth it but it doesnt look bad.i post it before school.

now that im finihed with that piece i need something to do during school. i crochet. made a coaster in one bus ride to school, another between classwork, and most of one during a mostly free period, which was completed on the bus. (to be fair. its 5 rounds and described as quick to work up)

the first i give to my teacher before school. she is nice about it. notably, i offered it to a teacher i had last year first, who mentions she still has a doily i  gave to her last year, and she thinks of me when she sees it.

i gave the second to my art teacher. he is very nice about it, which is not unusual but always makes me :D

also during art. i work on a pinch pot and recieved positive feedback relating to it beijng a square and alsl me adding orbs to the corners. notably. i placed the pot on my friends desk and said something along the lines of 'i crave [feedback/attention]' (dont remember exact wording)

i try to finish the last coaster in last period to give to my teacher but fail. i do give it to my friend while we're in the bus and she has a very sweet reaction (involving gasping and compoiments and i noticed her staring at it for awhile after)

sometime after that on the bus ride i think about how nice positive feedback is and vaguely wish my friend from last year who always had an extreme good reaction to gifts and kind acts was still here.

the art has not had any feedback beyond the requester/my friend (who is the requester). thats not too bad but i dont rb it to main bcs i want to post the speedpaint first.

i start working on getting the speedpaint up. i need a song. i ask my sisters while we r outside about songs i can use. the twins are alsok planning 'celebration days' for mema. we end up singing and they stol and say my voice is good. a bit more singing and me being embarrassed and sinking to the floor with my hands covering my face at one point. i have been convinced to join them in singing a song for mema.

at this point i was excited. i am critical of my voice and have not sung much since third grade choir (i auditioned the next year but did not make it, which was discouraging for a small child).

next day. another apricot scrub to maybe get those bumps off. excited messing around with twins in morning. printing out pictures of myself at emmas request. and printing song lyrics. mema is mowing outside. i begin to practice. i doknt hate it. i stop and drink water. i try to memoripe lyrics, although i donot get ti the end. considering posting my singing on blog. twins go swimming. i take a small break. post speedpaint. 

twins come inside w kai. they are all in a bad mood. i try to start again, slightly nervous/embarrassed to sing in front of people. 'im a little pitchy' 'yeah you are' - kai. kais always like that but. emma also says its not good. notably emma is never like that. i dont really care cuz its obvious shes in a bad mood even without avas reassurance. 

ava convinces me tok play tea party. kai clinks spoon against ceramic cup and it hurts my ears. i tell her to stop and she does. kai tells me to go off my tablet. i cokntinue with the internal justification 'its overwhelming to focus on them only (not exact words)'. ear still hurts from cup clinking. small snarking between kai and i. twins and kais voice eventually becoming more and more irritating. i leave tea party.

later twins trying to get my attention and i answer aggressively and they say nevermind. internally i amthinkung that this isnt even overstimulation/bad noise (cant remember word for that) just me being annoyed at them for no reason. 

speedpaint has recieved no attention. i shoukdnt care but am slightly disappointed. i try going through open tabs to rrb things. all the art is amazing. i tag everything as inspo and favorites, because its all amazing. i keep noticing littke techniques that each piece does. two handle lineart color differnces better than i did on that request. one has a sketchiness to the lines that adds to it. one has beautiful flowers that i could never get. i think about improving. i dont know how. i cant figure out how to learn. and other self depreciation.

that self depreciation continues with my singing. i cant do it. im not good at singing. i cant memorize the words. etc. mema is out of the house and i try practicing again. i cant get myself to sing. i eventually tell twins i cant do it. 

throughout this. i try to listen to music. watch videos. something to blockbout the noise and get the right noise. nothing works. currently settled on a song that almost does it.

theres alot of internal emotion that i dont know how to describe. 

logically i know myart didnt get nktes bcs it was posted while my friends were offline. and art not getting notes is one thing thatas nkt even a major part of this. but.

i am disgusted by my face right now. i doknt know whats wrong with it. i dont know whats wrong with my body.

ive been thinking about cutting my hair. i like how it looks now. and have recieved a random compliment from somebody i dont know at school. who said i could really pull it off. but. i want to experiment. ill probably come back to this style. but i want to try some stuff.

[abyss-stares-back]

Autumn Comes

How many years had it been, she wonders vaguely to herself as she strides down the lane, hips swaying in time with her step, since she had stood here? Well, not here, per se. But as she slithers in and out of the veil, slipping between both worlds as they exist on either side of the mirror, she cannot help but wonder what it will feel like to really be here. To feel the heat on her neck, and the sting of the alley stench, and the throbbing echo of life that waxes and wanes with the rising and setting of the sun. Not just a walking corpse, held together by the shadow of her willpower alone, not a glamour.

Piteous creatures, she considers them as they sit on the various crates and detritus along the walls, ever stirring and ever desperate. Here in all places, desperation is rampant, as the rich trod upon the heads of the poor in some ill-fated attempt to stave off suffering for themselves just a little while longer. They all died horribly, in the end. She had seen much of that herself. A mysterious poisoning here, a heart attack there, weapons in the hands of peasants, an enraged Ala Mhigan at a party where necessary. It was always so terribly easy to tug the strings of fate, to cut them where she saw fit.

She can feel the strength of her tether waxing, stepping through the veil in whole and striding back out again, scenery around her almost blurring visibly as she pinches the fabric of space and pokes a tiny hole to slip out malms away. The shadows bend as she passes, light pulling toward her and fluttering on the air where it should not, and snowflakes flutter past her when she had moments ago been in a vast desert.

“Progress, Captain?” she purrs as she stops, plucking a frost-blue apple from the tree against which she takes to leaning, hoarfrost climbing its trunk and branches. By some miracle her mere presence had, in some sort of odd twist, rejuvenated the flora, though it was certainly not the same as it had once been. “I see my tree is nearly ready,” she adds, taking a bite of the icy apple.

The man snaps her a salute, his back going rigid. “Yes, my queen. We have nearly finished the last two pieces of the grand sigil and the focus will be ready shortly after. All requisite sacrifices brought in an accounted for.”

“Tell me of the ceremony. Of the components, what have we left?” she asks him dismissively, biting again into the apple, which shimmers lightly. “I would very much prefer to harvest from my daughter’s imbeciles, specifically the idiots involved in breaking the ceremony tablet.”

“W-well,” he begins, fishing a scrap of parchment from his pocket and fumbling with it for a few moments while desperately trying to open and smooth it enough to be readable. “Your majesty has already taken a Spirit Bold. An e-eye new I believe the… the young man y-your daughter has married, will suffice. An eye old h-has many interpretations so… so we’re bringing in the supplicant soon. A young raen woman, she will be yours within a day or two.” He stops to clear his throat. “For… for blood clever, there is the elezen girl, the traitor’s sister and she would be an ideal way to g-get -- sorry,” he pauses as she clears her throat expectantly, “s-so any one of those ought do what is required.”

“Suitable candidates. The rest?”

The man wipes his forehead on the back of his sleeve. “Y-yes, your majesty.Th-the xaela, the student of the deserter, o-ought suffice for the Hand Violent. Strong is similarly easy to pick out, they are all quite so p-powerfu--”

“I have already created a strong heart, Captain, and her contribution must come last. The last?”

“Then there is voice weak, w-which is assuredly more difficult--”

“And?”

Another pause. “And we may have some options. Weakness isn’t… isn’t exactly narrow, so w-we could use any of them, my queen. But t-there is a young woman, a duskwight, w-who would suit the Voice. And tears meek… t-there is another young raen woman who is assisting your daughter now, w-who may fit the bill. O-or… or I would be happy to supply my own…”

The woman assesses him, staring through piercing amber into what would be his very soul, as loosely attached to his body as it is. “How much blood have we collected?”

“The whelp from the ceremony, her confidant... c-contributed a significant amount, from his wound. W-we need ten other contributors to finalize, outside of th-the other c-components. The... the mage’s experiment, as well.”

She sighs, dropping the core of the apple to the ground, where it becomes pebbles of ice. “Very well, dear captain. Bring me the knife, and prepare the rites.”

Ten paces. That was all it took for the girl’s stride to bring her within reach of the kneeling tyrant. Ana found herself wondering there, in the face of death. All she had done, all the blood she had spilled, the lives ruined, sacrifices for a greater cause, would they have been enough? Would the offering of innocent blood be enough to stem the river’s tide that would follow? She didn’t know, and in the deepest pit of her heart, she knew it was not. Looking around at those faces, she knew. They would not be spared. No one would be.

The sound of a blade drawn captured her attention and amber eyes flicked up from where she knelt. The girl’s face was a painting of clashing emotion and light, staring at her as if she’d never truly seen her face this close. Of course, it dawned on her that she, in fact, had not seen her this close, in thirteen years she had lived, and there was something a little curious in those inhuman eyes.

“Hvað er rangt, dóttir mín? Get ekki sveiflast blaðið þitt?” she murmured, quiet enough for only the girl to hear her. “Þú hefur tekið líf núna, hvað er eitt?” Perhaps goading the girl hadn’t been the best of ideas, but she could not help herself. It was such an easy thing.

What is wrong, daughter mine? Cannot swing your blade? You have taken lives already, what is one more?

The girl snarled and spat back, “Ég gef þér smá stund til að sjá hjarta sem þú gerðir sterkan, Ana Danatmira.” But the anger calmed almost immediately, and determination claimed her in its stead. “Ganga með Forráðamaður.”

I am giving you a moment to see me. Walk with the Keeper.

“Það sem forráðamaðurinn hefur er ekki nóg. Ég verð að taka meira,” she murmured in reply.

Ana closed her eyes. She didn’t remember the bite of the blade on her neck or the moment the breath left her chest, nor the chill on the air. She didn’t remember the way her breath plumed into steam, or the faces that stared at her in barely-contained anticipation. She might later remember the words whispered by her brother behind her, or perhaps the final thought that crossed her mind, the image of her brother’s wife, her disembodied head rolling across the mud and muck once it left her body behind, staring at Ana all the while, and how that image had managed to burn itself into her mind in those final seconds as the blade arced downward for her neck. But the darkness, that she would always remember.

When amber eyes flutter open again, another black stain runs the length of her forearm, and around her the crystallized bodies have been cleared away. The obsidian tablet beneath her feet thrums with something that feels like life itself, the air crackling about it. The other seal has been set. The die is cast. A smile spreads across her face as the shape of something large burns itself into the earth beneath the snow, the colors of the trees following the path it sears and deepening to the hues of autumn, the enormity of the shape becoming familiar.

A gate, ready to be opened.