#ill fly back for Christmas obviously but like omg

[mrsackermannx]

omg next week is my last week home before I fly to spain for 5 months

[aliceellablog]

Christmas and New Years with M.E.

07/01/2018

Ok, so I think it’s time to vent…

OMG! Christmas! YAY! The time for happiness, giving, spending time with family, seeing all your mates, parties, alcohol, food, and having the best time ever!!! - Well that can fuck right off can’t it!

Just cos’ it’s Xmas doesn’t mean that your illnesses and troubles just magically disappear! If anything it probably brings them to the surface more and makes you realise just how little you can do. Great.

I haven’t had a drink all year! - jokes (cos thats like 7 days) …If you have to explain your jokes they’re not funny! Anyway- I haven’t had a drink since July and I really miss it… well I also haven’t been to a party since then either… or socialised…or left the house to do anything other than go to bloody Sainsbury’s… I have eaten food though… cos you know…. I’m still alive and all that.

There’s so much pressure to be well at xmas, which obviously isn’t even like, on the scale of being possible, but so many people invited me out to parties etc and although it’s great that they haven’t completely forgotten I exist .....babe? Like really? Oh ok, I’ll spend 6 months in my bedroom and then come to your party cos it’s Xmas? Yea right.

It’s weird - I feel like I am pretty public about my health issues- if anything probably too much - but people obviously just don’t really take it in… Someone text me the other day actually and it really hit a sore spot - he asked why I hadn’t answered his calls and I replied apologising and saying sorry that I didn’t feel up to chatting on the phone at the time and his reply pissed me RIGHT OFF. He said, and I quote ‘Whatever... Unicorn impressions in a forest??’

ANNOUNCEMENT: INSTAGRAM IS NOT REAL LIFE!!!!!!

What is wrong with peoples bloody brains!!! Sorry, but lets just think about this for a minute…

So I got home to Sussex on December 23rd and was so shattered from the train journey that I had to nap and couldn’t do anything with the fam that eve… I don’t really get why travelling is so damn tiring, like you’re only sat there being awake and breathing really….  anyway... then the next day I had my one of my best friends round and yes I actually felt up to seeing her (which is a bloody miracle) We had a lovely catch up and her Xmas gift to me was THE UNICORN ONESIE!!! - Yes, she is the one responsible for this moment!

We thought it would be hilarious for me to put it on and have a pic in the forest which is literally about 10 steps from the house - she convinced me to put wellington boots on my hands and get down on all fours (obviously) and it was so so funny I haven’t laughed that much in forever! 10 seconds later we were back on the sofa! Job done!

Does taking 20 paces and posing for a photo mean that I am now miraculously better? No

Does it mean I’ll do anything for the gram? Yes ;)

But in all seriousness, I wish people would realise that I am trying to portray the fun positive person that I feel is trapped inside my body, and to have fun and be happy whenever I can, even if it’s just for a few minutes! God if I put up pics of me looking like a zombie on the sofa all day every day I think I’d lose a fair few followers ;) ... ok maybe I do it sometimes....always with a filter though ;) 

Anyway, sorry I went off on a right little tangent there! Unicorn day was Xmas eve and after my friend left I was pretty shattered so again just rested for the rest of the day.

When I woke up on Xmas day I could tell that I felt pretty ropey but not too terrible, I wanted to look and feel nice so I did my makeup (which I hardly ever bother to do these days) and ‘helped’ my mum cook the xmas lunch… basically I stood around for a bit, got in the way a lot, and helped lay the table. What would she have done without me huh!

Xmas dinner wash so damn good, but… how can I put it… let’s just say it didn’t go down too well and that was me done for the afternoon. Fucking Crohns disease, WHY DO YOU HATE ME?! Sorry, TMI but I couldn’t really care less ;) Then that evening we played an exciting game of snakes and ladders and watched a film. lavley.

In the eve I went for my daily walk - I am trying so so so hard to stick to my GET (Graded Exercise Therapy) and didn’t feel up to doing it but pushed through it as per, and did it.

When I started the GET this time around I started at the beginning of October on a 10 minute walk a day (and nothing else other than making food, and pottering about the house really) - Now it’s January and I’m on 25 minutes. It’s great that I have made an improvement, but not gonna lie, I thought I’d be on like an hour by now and could start doing some songwriting or focusing on other things, but nah. Still doing the walking.

Anyway the walk that night just about finished me off and I felt awful afterwards… for a week! FS!

Boxing Day I was pretty much in tears most of the day (sorry family!) and on the sofa and same for the rest of the week - I managed to travel back up to my Dad’s place for Xmas numero due, but felt like utter arse.

At least the main activity at my dads was watching films YEP and flying this little drone thing around home made obstacle courses YEP - which I could join in with whilst sat on my arse lol - We did have a nice time though and it was so good to spend so much time with all my family at least! I am so lucky to have them and am so close to them all, so that’s definitely something eh :)

Then it was back to my place in London for a few more days resting before NYE! The most overrated night of the year!

I was really so touched this year as some of my housemates decided to stay in with me :) To be honest I am still unsure of wether they genuinely wanted to or if they felt they had to, but either way I appreciated it SO MUCH!

I was really worried that they’d all go out -  but of course I told them that it would be genuinely fine and I’d have been happy for them to go- but maybe they just saw straight through that!

I was really scared about how I would cope with being sat on my own in bed when the clock struck midnight - I know it sounds a bit overdramatic, and it really doesn’t matter what you’re doing at that moment, but I think it says so much about your life. Sorry, I am welling up typing this, but I think it says a lot to be sat on your own seeing in the new year and I truly hope that none of you guys had to do that. I guess it still upsets me so freakin’ much that I just can’t do the ‘normal’ things that all of my friends can, ya know?

HOWEVER! I ended up having a lovely evening with Grace, Nicki and Tilly- we got masses of takeaway, watched a few shit films, and even saw a few fireworks from our garden :) How romantic! And having been so worried about having a complete breakdown, I didn’t even cry once! YAS!

Oh and we even all dressed in pink and made unicorn cupcakes! Winning? I think so! #PinkParty

So….2018 you little fucker!! What have you got in store for me this year?

You’ll be relieved to hear that so far I have been feeling pretty positive and I always love the opportunity for a fresh start!

I have been going for my walk every day and trying to put less pressure on myself - I think the thing that makes all of this so hard is that fact that I am so driven and wanting so much to have a successful career in the music industry- even typing that again makes me get all teary again but I HAVE to accept that it’s not going to happen just yet- and that patience is the key!

I have so many songs finished and ready to release, I just need to get well enough to have the energy to release them, and to make some new music videos etc. I am really really hoping that I might be able to do one in the summer maybe, and take it from there. But for now my health has to be my number one priority.

I’ll write again in feb! Let’s see if I can get to say 35 min walk by then eh! Wish me luck! Thank you for reading this, please don’t hesitate to get in touch and to follow my blog would be amaze!!! :)

Also, just as a last call, if anyone would like to purchase any of my merchandise, all of the profits are going to the charity Action for M.E. so your support would be hugely appreciated! You can see it all on the merch tab on my website www.aliceella.com :) Thanks guys :) xxx

[monsterloveday]

Single life - the good and the bad.

The good and bad sides to single life. It absolutely has both, as does everything in life. There seems to be some kind of war between singles and coupled folk, as if they are trying to get one up on each other, to prove that their life is considerably ‘better’ than their opponents.

This bothers me. It bothers me because life isn't that rigid or consistent, life moves, and so do all of our situations. There is also the need to consider that people are so different, you know the saying, “one mans treasure” and all that. For some, my single life is their idea of a worst knight mare, simile, a nuclear family at the age of 25 would be mine.

Its nothing personal I guess, I think its just taken that way when people try and force their way of life on you, or assume you are miserable because you haven't got what they have, this goes without saying the people that straight up judge you for whatever your life circumstance - they can do one (and my oh my, there are many of them!). There are definitely times for me where being single is actually epic and others where it actually sucks balls.

I will share them with you. Bad points... Lack of touch. This one is strange for me, because I haven't been touched for so long, that Ive grown used to it, yet I still crave it from time to time (usually in the winter). BUT if I ever do get touched or if someone tried to hug me or something, it weirds me out now, that I find it unnecessary because I have gone so long without it!. Its definitely made me less affectionate and less expectant to receive affection. That part of me has kind of died.  I think I have associated touch / affection to do with only a partner - which is bad. (lets just say I am no longer a ‘hugger’) 

You also become very observant. All the “Netflix and chills” / “lets cuddle up on the sofa”, comments you so often see on social media or hear among all your coupled up friends and family members (yes I am pretty much the only single one left out of friends and family - which I will mention later on as its an issue in itself!) are a little punch in the heart. You kind of become a little bit bitter that some people have that certain someone that they can come and hug after a really shit day - and how some really take that for granted. Little things are so huge and not many people get that. I think that the people that have had a real good amount of time of being single understand this. Love is not something you are owed, but for some it just falls in their laps and they have never had to live life coping on their own. (You definitely get annoyed at people who take love for granted and people who cheat etc!) But - being deprived of something makes you learn to live without it - its a educational, saddening yet strengthening double edged sword. I cant even remember what snuggling up to a man feels like and they say that touch is actually something that humans need and that it releases the ‘feel good’ hormone - perhaps lack of touch does really do things to humans?. I believe so. Feeling Safe. Now, I think in my whole relationship / dating life, only one man made me feel safe and it was wonderful. Im not saying that women can not feel safe without a man - absolutely not. But there is something so damn sexy and reassuring when you can actually feel a mans strength (in his body and mind) and you know he has your back. When you walk down the street, you know there will be no shit from no one, as you are with him. That when you're in his arms - you feel completely and utterly safe, it makes you feel so feminine. Nothing can get you, and you breathe a sigh of relief, thats all is well, because you are there, with him.  I miss that, even if just for a minute I could have that again. All of your family and friends are pretty much hooked up. Gone are the days of going out and flirting with a group of guys, because all of your mates are at home with their others half's sucking dick or fanny. This also adds to the struggles of trying to ‘get out there’ as you’d be on the prowl alone - not attractive. When all your mates hook up, it kills your social life too, I miss the nights of going out dressed up all girly, dancing the night away and flirting / kissing with drunken guys.

There is no one to talk to when you have those ‘Im feeling crappy about being single’ moments because no one gets it because no one is in your situation. You will also never get a break from being surrounded by couples, family gatherings = couples everywhere, meeting with friends = couples everywhere. You have to become accustomed to always being the third, forth and fifth wheel when with family and friends. There was once a New Years Eve party where at midnight, everyone was obviously eating face and there I was - twat face, the only single person sat there hating my existence and wallowing in self pitty. (Holidays are the WORST for being single) This is not to say I dont love my friends and family but sometimes you just wish you had some single pals to break away from the constant reminders or someone to really open up to and that they understand, its tiring to always put on this brave face when really you just want to say you feel like shit. Theres also the chance coupled friends will get offended if you need to vent about always being the single one - its not personal, sometimes we just need to express ourselves. Sometimes you just wonder if you are destined to live life solo Perhaps it isn't happening because its not supposed to?, that you are actually happier alone?. Its happened to everyone else so easily so there must be a reason its not happening to you?. To you, its like climbing mount everest, yet to most, its as easy as 1,2,3!. That in the time you have been single, others have gone through about 3 relationships that have started, ended and then they have found ‘the one’ and got married, yet you cant even find A date?. Am I an alien? I must be doing everything wrong?. The longer it goes on for the more convinced you become that it will never happen and you kind of begrudgingly, make peace with it and stop trying and just live your own life. Confidence Sometimes, only sometimes you wonder what is wrong with you and that you are just not fanciable / fuckable / loveable. Those thoughts can fuck off - Im fucking awesome. You get so good at being single that you think you'd be crap at relationships The thought of having to share a bed with someone makes you want to die. What if they snore?. What If Im ill and I just need to do smelly farts all night and toss and turn without worrying that Im going to keep someone awake? What if I want a wank and I cant because THEY are there?! Omg would that mean we would have to arrange shower times in the morning?, Im not fucking sharing a shower with him! Oh man imagine someone constantly texting you even though you see them all the ruddy time? - just fuck off!. And having to see someone all the time?! Someone demanding my time from me? oh god I cant deal!. Gone would be the days of just going where ever I want without explaining myself to anyone! - Ive got too used to only thinking of me, Im too selfish to change that now! and whats more - ID HAVE TO FUCKING SHAVE AND GET MY BODY OUT. Man I’d be so shit at sex =\ and Id have to tell them I love them!. So. Many. Vulnerable. Feelings. Stay. Up. Walls!. Finance All those people who share bills, rent etc. Not everyone would have had an opportunity to move out if they didn't have their significant other, especially in this day and age of expense!. I can also say as a single person it is ruddy annoying having to cash out on everyone else's other half's / kids etc. Whereas presents for you are ‘from both of us’. My single life benefits everyone else's pockets when it comes to christmas! GAH!.  I get SO JEALOUS when I hear someone say that their other half is picking them up from work or cooking for them that night, I WISH I had that!. Fuck buses, walking the dog then having to cook for myself - food NEVER comes for single people, just try getting a bag of spinach for one! so much waste!. Good Points... My Flange is probably really tight  Its so out of use its like its brand new. I dont have to shave for anyone and it is marvellous.  I dont have to get my body out to worry what someone else thinks of it, nor do I have to worry if Im up the duff (although I use precautions, that worry is ALWAYS there, wondering, freaking the hell out, wondering when my period will ever come etc). Its a worry that is brilliant to not have to think about - nor do I have to think about the ruddy pill (no thanks!). Also - self service! =P Your independence and strength will sky rocket You really dont understand how some people freak out when they have to do things alone. For you, doing things alone is such an adventure / enjoyable experience. Yes I go out to dinner, the cinema, weekend breaks alone and its not weird my dears. I love how I can plan anything at anytime. Your strength builds up and up when your doing everything for yourself and it is really liberating and you realise that people that also have this quality are very rare. It makes you very strong and independent and independent people are sexy. =p You are as free as a bird - go fly!. I do what I want and I can order pizza at 3am and eat it in bed if I wish. (what a plan!). I could go travel for months on end if I wanted, I could move to a completely new place and chat up randomers if I so wished too and answer to no one. I could shave all my hair off and pork a load of girls just for fun. Learn a new instrument / get a hobby / go to evenings classes etc - because you CAN. I hear friends who have kids say how they would love to do the smallest of things like have a night to themselves, to go to the cinema or just go shopping, and I realise that I too, take small things for granted and I need to embrace my single life more.  What I do is completely my choice and my choice alone - no hold backs. It feels so good. Finance Yes there is a factor of finance on this side of the spectrum! Your money is YOURS. Go spend a butt load on a new jacket if you want. Go spend £70 on a hair cut if you want. Whats more, you save money on not having to buy hair removal stuff! No birthday or christmas presents on your other half - or dates, or nothing! Save up that spare cash and do something worth while - like get tattoos all over your body ;P - priorities darling, that is YOU! =P. You have control of your own wellbeing One of the biggest issues for me when in relationships / seeing someone was how their actions / treatment towards me effected my wellbeing. I hated that they had so much power to hurt me because my feelings for them were so deep. I hated being so vulnerable and how my happiness was so reliant on how they chose to treat me. With single life problems, they are mostly what you have brought upon yourself, and sorting your own shit out makes you stronger and not dealing with someone else's bullcrap is a breath of fresh air =) So, these are some of my good and bad points, I really could have gone on for forever!. My unshaven flange enjoys parts, and doesn't with other parts. I want to say that its completely human to have weak times about things - like wanting to be hugged sometimes does not make you needy! (I hate that theres so much name calling for humans wanting to be humans!) Whats your favourite thing and hate about your relationship status? Be back soon. Jay Monster.

[mysideblogofsurveys]

Survey 18

1. What plans do you have for the weekend? So this weekend is the Pokemon Go Fest (the yearly event for it) and we’re flying to Georgia to play it with our 2 friends. I’m excited because we love playing Pokemon Go with them BUT I’ve also been SO SO SO busy and I just want to not do anything and relax this weekend but oh well :/

2. What were you doing at 10:30 this morning? I was working :/

3. Tell me about the last conversation you had with someone you find attractive. What did you talk about? It was my husband, and we were just talking about the game he’s currently playing (Sea of Thieves)

4. Do you chew your pens? No

5. Have you ever made notes in a lesson, then looked back at them and found you couldn’t understand what they meant? I’m sure its happened.

6. Which do you like best - History or Geography? Why? Geography, I don’t like learning about History, its too depressing. But it also makes me want to fight for the freedoms we have in America.  Not a lot of other countries have the freedoms we do.

7. How many pets do you have?  What are their names? I don’t have any pets :(

8. Who was the last person you had a weird, funny, or random conversation with? My husband, we talk about everything and anything.

9. Are you upset about anything atm? Well, I told my boss we were moving back to the other side of the state yesterday (fully intending to put in my 2 weeks) and she wanted to talk to me about it again today.  I’m mad because I’m so ready to get the fuck out of this city but because of this virus, NONE of my co-workers want to come back into the office.  We have a huge project coming up at the end of August/beginning of Sept but because no one wants to help out with it, I’m STUCK here until the end of Sept (or my boss only seemed concerned about me sticking around until this project is done since they’re counting on my help). I don’t want to lose their references or leave them out of the blue, so I guess we’re here for another two months.

10. Think back to March 2012. Who were you in a relationship with? My husband but he was just my boyfriend at the time :) this was actually a few months before we moved the first time (to Seattle in Aug 2012)

11. Is there anything that’s happened recently, that you wish had turned out differently? Oh my GOD yes. Knowing what I know now, I 100% wouldn’t have taken this position (its been just over a year). I would have stayed on the other side of the state. I like my job but its not worth staying in a city we hate.  I am so happy to finally have an ETA of when we can move back.

12. Who was the last person of the opposite sex that you talked to on the phone? I think my Dad

13. Are you blood related to the last person you hugged? No

14. Is there something you do on a regular basis, that you don’t enjoy doing? Why? I actually hate taking showers.  I take them every single day (obviously, I have to be clean!) I dont know why, I just don’t like it, it just feels like a chore.

15. Do you have any Mariah Carey, Whitney Houston or Celine Dion songs on your iPod? I do have “All I Want for Christmas is You” by Mariah Carey and “Its All Coming Back to Me Now” by Celine Dion - and they’re on my Zune, not an iPod.

16. Have you ever felt jealous of anyone else’s success? I suppose? I’m jealous for everyone that owns a house and has kids.  Thats all I want from life right now. Although moving back to the other side brings us closer to those goals.

17. Who did you last speak to in person? My husband

18. Have you ever had a one-night stand? If you have, did you regret it afterwards? I’ve never had a one night stand.

19. Have you ever done something that you said you’d NEVER do? Um probably.  I can’t think of anything right now though.

20. What was the last thing you asked for help with? Who did you go to for help? My co-worker, I needed help figuring out how to enter something at work

21. Do you think it’s possible to love someone after being in a relationship for only a short amount of time? Yes I do, we fell pretty hard for each other quite quickly.

22. Who was the last person to text you? Ok, I actually got some weird text yesterday about being in line for Returns at Ikea??? It was like a reminder text that “you’re 7th in line so please make your way to the Returns Desk”.  Whats MOST concerning to me, is a I got a text 10 min after that that said “Thank you for being in contact with IKEA Returns”...uhhh. that was NOT me. I have not shopped at Ikea in YEARS (including online)

23. If your significant other had several other sexual partners before you, how much would that bother you? Would you worry about being compared to the others? How many previous sexual partners do you think is acceptable? I know he had about 2 partners before me.  It doesn’t bother me at all since everyone I knew had had sex.  I was the only person in each of my friend groups that was still a virgin lol (I was 21 he was 23 at the time)

24. Who was the last person of the opposite sex to send you a message on Facebook? What if you had a baby with that person? I don’t use FaceBook messenger or really use FB anymore. So I don’t know who the last person to message me was.

25. Who were the last girl and the last guy to facebook message you? What if these two people had a baby together? OK so now I remember it was my cousin who last messaged me because she was asking for my address to send me her wedding invitations.  I dont’ know who the last guy was though.

26. How many people of your preferred sex have hurt you? One for sure.  But it was an ex when I was 18.  It doesn’t bother me anymore though.

27. Have your friends ever talked to you about the forms of contraception they use? What form of contraception do you prefer? Ah, I’ve never been too close with other girls enough to talk about that. I’ve been on the pill but didn’t like how it made me feel (and as I’ve gotten older, I don’t trust something that prevents my body from doing something its naturally supposed to do - if that makes sense).  We just use condoms right now.

28. Has the last person you hugged ever made you cry? Yeah but it wasn’t anything serious.  Just over a dumb argument. 

29. When was the last time you ate chocolate? Its been a while >< we don’t typically have chocolate in the house

30. Do you like Charles Dickens novels? I like a Christmas Carol but I’ve never read it...I would like to though

31. If you told your parents that you were going to be a parent, how do you think they would react? I’m sure they’d say “its about time!!” lol.

32. You find out that the person you love/like is having a child with someone else. What do you say? I would be so fucking mad as we talk about having babies ALL the time

33. When was the last time you said something and thought “Why the hell did I say that?” What exactly did you say, and who did you say it to? How did the person react? Probably yesterday when I told my boss we’re moving.  I couldn’t find a good time to go into her office yesterday as it was really busy so I just kind of blurted it out as she walked by.  She was definitely taken off guard.

34. Who was the last person outside of family that told you they loved you? No one outside of my family in a long time.

35. Who is your 4th Facebook message from? Have you ever hugged/kissed that person? I don’t really use FaceBook so I have no idea who it was

36. Did someone/something upset you today? Just the fact that I can’t move as soon as we want to and I have to wait until this project is finished.  I guess that means I can save more money since I’ll be looking for a new job?  But we’re just so anxious to leave. 37. What song reminds you of your first boyfriend/girlfriend? Haha wellllll Blink 182 because he’s listen to it them all the time. OR “Analogue” by A-Ha - part of the lyrics go: “All I want you to know, I love you. All I need is the time to show you”. We were hanging out in his garage after we broke up (I still liked him) and he put this song on before he went inside to grab something to drink so as I’m listening to the lyrics, I hear that part and think “OMG! He still loves me! He wants to get back together!” but when he came out, he realized his mistake of putting on this song...and it was quite awkward after that :(

38. Outside of family, who were the last 3 girls you talked to? At worked I talked to Joyce (my boss), Carmel and Helen.

39. Outside of family, who were the last 3 guys you talked to? My co-workers Jonathan, Matt and Colin

40. Who was the last person of the same sex to text you? How much do you know about the love life/sex life of that person? My mom and uhh..only that she’s been with my Dad LOL I don’t want to know any more than that!!

41. Who is/was your strictest teacher in school? I actually never really had strict teachers.  There were strict teachers in the school but I was never in their class

42. Have you ever felt so ill that you literally didn’t know what to do? No

43. Do you know all the words to the last song you listened to? Would you sing that song on karaoke? LOL ok so it was “Analogue” by A-Ha (I was making sure it was the right song) and yes, I generally know the lyrics and I guess I could sing it at karaoke.