#ill bury myself now
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summer-r-storm · 2 years ago
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My brain is spitting out Danny Phantom reboot ideas/concepts which would be nice if I didnt have a DEADLINE to make for my actual book that will be published in just a FEW MONTH so if I could focus on the primary project that would be nice.
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z-grist · 1 year ago
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Here's chapter 2 for my comic ALL 4 LOVE. Please read the warnings at the beginning of the chapter ⚠️
You can read it on Pixiv here
It's a bit on the short side, but thank you for reading!
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tellsjokes-movedbacktomulti · 5 months ago
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bro... "I was far too scared to hit him, but I would hit him in a heartbeat now" ....... thinking danny and his mom's bf :(
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princessmyriad · 2 months ago
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#personal#thinking about how the phrase treat others how you want to be treated is actually incredibly one way#unless damn near every person ive ever met wants to be treated like shit which i cant imagine is true#like idk i spent a lot of my time giving my energy to people. and ill never feel bad for putting love and kindness out into the world#but i gave some of these people everything i had. or not everything that would diminish me but everything i could spare for them at the time#i treated them attentively and considerately and tenderly and lovingly#and that kindness has not been extended back to me by most of these people#some of them have surely in their own 'love language' and im grateful for these people in my life#but most of the people ive treated with intentional care have actively and on purpose caused me a lot of emotional harm#which again. im working through and like karma will get them without me needing to be there or whatever while i do my own healing#but regardless i still think some of that shit should not have happened like it did#i dont understand how everyone can say to me treat others how youd like to be treated but not tell me the caveat#that they will not treat me the way i want to be treated even if i put in that effort for them/for our friendship or relationship or whatevr#like idk im a bitch for asking you to leave me alone when ive been vomiting for two days straight but you can straightup sexually misconduct#with my body and then when i write poetry about it and share my feelings instead of leaving and taking that information anywhere helpful#you get to decode youre traumatized actually and im still a bitch for bringing it up?#make it make sense#'treat others the way you want to be treated' so youd like it if i starved you and verbally insulted and gaslight and manipulated you? no?#then what the fuck is the point of you saying that to me???#idk im just fucking pissed rn that. idk what im pissed at. cause again i know im no contact with all of these people now and their#shitty justice will find its way to them. and i cant be mad at myself for saddling with the wrong people cause some of that was my choices#and some of it was blood i couldnt escape for a long time. and i said i dont want to regret or resent#putting love out to the world#but i am still angry that so much of me was given to the wrong people. that these people just chose to completely ignore#the level of respect and patience and kindness i showed them#idk dudes im just angry. 'treat others the way you want to be treated' fuck off thats some quiet manipulation bullshit to get me to be#nicer to you even as you abuse the self-worth outta me fuck off fuck you#i found it again. you cant bury it im too full of love to not love myself too but it hurts how hard they tried for so long#'treat others the way you want to be treated' how bout no. how bout i treat everyone with a base level of kindness#and when youve shown me that you will treat me the way i deserve to be treated then ill fucking play niceys back
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revenge-of-the-assbutt · 2 months ago
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i feel sick
#every time i think im over her#that she cant hurt me anymore#days like tuesday happen and i miss her so fucking much#i just want my mom#not this narcissist that replaced her when i was 11#i know she was like this before just to my dad#but i just want the mom that drove me to school every morning and took me to seaworld and the schools pta game night and did pizza fridays#i want to call her and hug her and have her tell me that its all going to be alright#but it wont#and that mom doesnt exist#maybe she never did#fuck i cant do this anymore#i was doing so fucking well#i was so fucking happy#why did she have to ruin it with her 40 essay-texts and email stalking?#and the boys are home now too#and i have to act like their mother didnt just force her way back into my life to bring up memories that make me want to claw my chest open#i have to act happy as my youngest brother gets his phone blown up with texts i know are from her#when i know that shes targeting him now that i left#like she did to me when my dad left her when i was 11#i cant do this anymore#i just cant#i cant spend my days throwing up in the school bathroom and crying myself to sleep and burying myself in shows to not feel anything real#i keep feeling like the other shoe is going to drop#that shes going to come to my college and tell her lies to everyone and ill lose all my friends and everyone who matters to me#and i cant even block her because she controls my fucking health insurance#the last time i talked to her she threatened to file for conservatorship#i cant do that
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itsalwaysdark · 3 months ago
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loveee when a character is crushed under the weight of someone elses expectations for them love when a character dedicates their entire life to something they never even wanted for themself love when the only reason a character keeps going is because theyre Supposed to and bc theyre supposed to make another person happy/proud. YES !!! CLAPPING !!! YES !!!!!!!!
#this isnt rly related to any character in particular i just thought abt this and it made me scream.#flirting at a bar Damn girl you look like youre trapped in a life you built to please someone else. and then i kneel down and pull out a 💍#sry i ran out of space for the full word ring. also why when i type 💍 Ohh theyre hiding it. bc now the emoji is 💍 Oh they changed it again#pox on their home..originally it was 🔐 sughested emoji#but then the second time it was 😭.... very anti marriage. well ig maybe the sob could be like OMG... YES!!!!! I WILL MARRY YOU!!!!!!#ngl getting proposed to is such a big fear of mine like. i dont think id ever be able to propose to someone so id have to be proposed to i#suppose but it makes me quite nervous not bc im like ohh nooo dont propose i just rly worry ill react the wrong way and theyll change their#mind. like its a very high emotion moment so ik i would be supposed to be emotional And i would be but idk if id do it in the right way . y#idk. what if my autism looms and i end up just being like 😐 on accident. fuckkk. what if i say somethinf dumb. like i try to be like YES !#but instead im like YEP! god. can you imagine. id have to just bury myself at that point. so embarassing. or like what if i get excited and#flap my hands but it was supposed to be more of a like. joyful crying type of thing... or what if im supposed to just be shocked and like .#Oh my god ....#and am I supposed to run at them and sweep them into a hug or do they do thst to me. UGH. ITS SO STRESSFUL. i suppose ill just remain alone#forever so I never have to confront any difficult situations ever again . Joke .#idk it just makes me nervous. but i suppose hopefully the person proposing to me will love me . that would be nice so hopefully they wont#mind if i dont respond the right way . and they wont be upset with me bc they love me eversomuch. a girl can dream i suppose... my head lik#is pounding sry. i need to sleep probably.. stayed up too late again -_- 8am -_- and im sposed to do laundry today But i dont want to . and#since im gonna fall asleep i fear it shant happen. UGHHH#wtvr. idk what my ideal proposal would be likeee. i don't want to be blindsided ig#i like surprises but Obviously im too worried abt like. my immediate reaction#+ i think its important to talk abt marriage Before proposing just so everybodys like#on the same page and such. Obvs... but ya. i dont think id want a super public proposal like. id like it to be somewhere nice with maybs#significance to our relationship and such. and its fine if theres like Some passersby but id hate for it 2 be like. somewhere crowded. or i#a restaurant or something#Altho if it was in a restaurant maybe we could get free food..#but maybe that can be just fake proposals later on. and our real proposal can be somewhere else. YIPPEEE. me and my imaginary future spouse#who is To be honest rather bare minimum#normal girl will be like Wistful sigh maybe my future spouse will even love me and wont scream at me and will like to listen to me speak 😍#but anywyas. my beddybye time. SURPRISE GN POST#woahhthis got off topic i forgot what the original post was this always happens. i do love characters like that
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stormyoceans · 2 years ago
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oh please please please please talk more about the puentalay kisses bc i am, also, severely insane about them
(the feeling! the physicality! the comfort!! god those are all such great kisses. also hoping for sea to grab onto jimmy too oh yes tho am not sure if the hesitancy before was just him or him portraying talay, we'll see??)
that could be!!!! as a viewer it’s pretty hard to establish if the physicality in a kiss is fully determined by the actor’s performance or if it’s partly due to directing choices, so it’s definitely possible for that hesitancy to be more about talay rather than sea himself, especially since talay isn’t as comfortable with physical touch as puen is, at least at the beginning, while sea himself seems like a very affectionate guy, at least now. i personally feel like both factors may be at play here, which is why im really curious to see how their kisses in last twilight are going to be, since in the mock trailer day is the one to initiate it  
AND SINCE IM INSUFFERABLE HERE IS MY PERSONAL ANALYSIS OF THE PUENTALAY KISSES BASED ON AN ASSIGNEMENT I DID FOR MY HISTORY OF FILM CLASS BACK IN UNIVERSITY 10 YEARS AGO
okay so, obviously im far from being an expert, but what i learned while doing my research is that there are 5 elements that directors and acting coaches usually take into account when it comes to kisses. those elements are:
prelude: it’s everything that leads up to the kiss itself, from the story up until that moment, to the emotions of the characters, to the tone of the scene;
look: eye contact is essential when it comes to acting, and even more so when there’s a kissing scene. we love consent, but the truth is that a lot of times the invitation for a kiss is made through the eyes and the emotions you can express through them (needless to say, jimmy is INSANE at this);
breath: it's whether the characters just dive in or if there's some lingering before or after the kiss;
rhythm: it's about the length, the pace, and the technique of the kiss;
surrender: this is what i usually call the physicality of a kiss, because it’s basically the way the bodies respond to each other.
a good director can play with all these elements to give a specific feeling and match the scene itself. that being said, let's start with the kiss where all these elements can't be applied sfjksgfj
the drunk kiss in episode 2. drunk kisses are hard to judge because you are actually supposed to mess up all the things that make a good kiss. if a character is wasted they're hardly gonna be able to communicate emotions through their eyes or have a nice rhythm. in this case there's also not much of a prelude since they've just met, but that's kinda the point: the purpose is to surprise both puen and the audience. i still find it an interesting kiss because of what it tells us about the characters (talay is more open and affectionate when drunk, puen is perplexed but doesn't get angry or push talay away) and i think the fact that it stayed with them for YEARS says a lot about the instant connection they felt between them. i also really appreciate that we get a quick peck first and then a second slightly more purposeful kiss, lips puckered and fully touching.
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(hiding the rest under the cut to preserve some kind of dignity)
the greenhouse kiss in episode 4. HERE'S WHERE IM GONNA START LEAVING ANY SEMBLANCE OF SANITY AND COHERENCY BEHIND. im usually not the biggest fan of one-sided/sudden kisses, but this one.... THIS ONE!!!!!! the entire episode is a perfect build up to this moment, engaging the viewers since the very beginning ("so, they will fall in love?" "i guess they will") and raising the (emotional) stakes with each step leading towards it ("why don't we fall in love with each other?", "i talked about the one im hitting on", "feelings aren't something you can toy with"): the second talay steps into the greenhouse and puen comes into view, you can actually FEEL it in the air, that something's gonna happen. then puen grabs talay's arm to stop him from leaving AND THE LOOKS HE THROWS AT TALAY!!!!!! THE WAY HIS EYES SOFTEN WHEN TALAY ASKS HIM "ARE YOU MESSING WITH ME AGAIN?" AND HE ANSWERS "NO"!!!!!!! his intentions are written all over them, so when puen grabs talay's neck and kisses him you're expecting it and yet it still manages to take your breath away. sudden kisses are pretty much the only type where it's kinda acceptable to have a frozen physicality (so arms down the side, body standing still) because it makes sense for the surprise to be freezing the character in place, and while that it's also what happens here, i really like how they were able to somehow still make it feel 'physical': jimmy goes in so strong sea stumbles/has to readjust his position a little, the hold jimmy has on sea's neck is gentle but firm and establishes connection, their lips are fully pressed together, jimmy's nose is almost squished against sea's cheek, and for a sudden kiss their bodies are standing surprisingly close to each other.
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the greyllery kiss in episode 8. when i tell you i start FROTHING AT THE MOUTH every time i see just how perfectly they constructed and directed this kiss to parallel the one in the greenhouse…. from puen's adoring look to the way he pulls talay in by grabbing the back of his neck to the camera angles, every detail is built to make the viewers recall the end of episode 4 and give us a visual representation of how much their relationship has grown since then. obviously the mutuality of it is the biggest difference in itself, but there’s also a subtle shift in the physicality to match that: puen gets to wrap both of his arms around talay now, and talay finally reaches back too. this is one of the cases where i do wish sea could have been a bit more confident in grabbing jimmy back, but at the same time i think the hesitancy makes sense for talay as a character, so it's not a detail that pulls you out of the moment and everything else is just PERFECT. the prelude to the kiss in particular is incredible, not only because of the confession itself, which would deserve its own analysis even just for how it happens when the lights are out, highlighting the fact that they love each other for who they are, no matter which body they're inhabiting, but also because the tension gets progressively built up beat by beat until you find yourself on the edge of your sit holding your breath just waiting for it to happen: i said i like you, beat, i like you even though i don't know what you look like, beat, even though i don't know who you are, beat, i like you too, beat, i like everything about you, beat, puen dropping his bag, beat, and when puen takes an audible breath in before stepping forward, that's when you can finally release your own. this is also the first kiss where we can judge the rhythm, and i personally think that jimmy and sea have a very good sense of it in all of their kisses. it's kinda hard to explain why, but it's in the way they can pace the kiss, and mirror each other's intensity, and switch the side their head turns while doing it. last thing im gonna say (because this is already getting way too long ;;;;) is that letting the sounds of the kiss be heard under the background music sure was. A CHOICE.
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the bucket hat kiss in episode 9. [RATTLES THE BARS OF HER CAGE] DOCTOR JIMMY THE THINGS YOU DO WITH YOUR EYES!!!!!!!!! in this case the kiss itself is pretty short so it can't be judged on more technical aspects, however it does not leave the viewers wanting for more, because the emotions behind it already say everything we need to know. the adoration the longing the want the reverence the wonder the love.... it's all written in the way puen looks at talay. the camera focuses way more on puen here because the revelation of who talay is is, quite literally, life changing for him, but the lingering on talay's eyes after they part and the two of them remaining close to each other as if they can't bring themselves to move on tell us how this kiss functions as a seal for the many promises made between them: of going back together, of finding each other again, of their mutual feelings. also i can't really figure out if this is a jimmy thing or a conscious directing choice, but when it comes to physicality i LOVE how puen always has his hand or his arm around talay's neck. it's such a protective and possessive gesture which is meant to send a clear message, not to other people, but to the universe: this is the man i love, it says, and im not gonna let you take him away from me.
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the bathtub kiss in episode 10. i feel so normal about this kiss it's honestly insane how normal and hinged and sane and fine i feel about it. like not to be petty but i have no idea HOW can anyone watch this and then really say that jimmysea can't kiss, especially considering it hits EVERY SINGLE POINT of what a good kiss should be like. the simple intimacy of taking a bath together, the shared joy of their success, and the teasing of the reward are all perfect set ups for this kiss, and as always jimmy has the insane ability to broadcast puen's intentions through his eyes in a way few other actors can, however what makes this kiss really stand out compared to the rest are the breath and the physicality of it. when it comes to kissing talay, puen is always diving into it like a starving man, and this time is no different, but unlike all the other times there is a pause in the kiss and you can actually see how much it costs them to separate: they both look like they're getting out of a trance, breaths mingling together as puen keeps his eyes closed for a little longer to pull himself together and talay blindly chases his lips for more, confused by the sudden interruption. this temporary pause doesn't break the actual rhythm of the kiss, nor it pulls the viewers out of the moment, because it's clear that they're both still very much into it. i will never stop praising jimmy and sea for being able to portray just how overwhelmed the characters are here, both from the kiss and the feelings they have for each other, and it also shows in the way they almost sound choked up as they thank each other. the kiss picking up from where they left it is the only natural continuation to all these emotions bubbling to the surface, emotions that are way too big to put into words, so they rely on their bodies to try to convey them. and speaking of bodies, this kiss is the perfect example of why physicality is also called 'surrender', you just need to look at the openness and vulnerability of talay's neck in that position, but even when sea shifts a little into a more comfortable one you can see how their body fit together and melt into each other perfectly. honestly the only thing that could have possibly made this kiss better was to have jimmy hold sea's face for a bit longer instead of moving his arm on the side of the bathtub, but frankly im just nitpicking here (monica aren't you forgetting something, one may ask. and to that i say YEAH YEAH THE TONGUE SLIP WE'VE ALL SEEN IT. NO I REFUSE TO COMMENT ON IT BYE)
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the riverbank kiss in episode 10. as much as i love this whole scene, this kiss in particular is sadly not my favorite one, mostly because i think the editing and the camera angles did a bit of a disservice to it. i really like how it starts: all puentalay kisses have very strong preludes because they always serve a purpose to the story, they're never gratuitous (in this case it's meant to be a confirmation of puen's words and an omen of what's to come), and jimmysea can both convey so much with their eyes that you can actually feel how they're pulling each other (and the viewers) in to the kiss by the looks they share. it's when the camera moves from their faces to go above and then behind them that i feel like it ends up taking you out of the moment they worked so hard to build, because it completely blocks the view of the kiss in a very jarring way, and when it gets in front of them again talay's arm is suddenly reaching up to puen, which it wasn't in the previous frame. it's such a pity because i LOVE that connection, it's the kind of physicality that can turn a good kiss to a great one, so i do wish we could have gotten more continuity and a more direct view.
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the reunion kiss in episode 11. it may come as a surprise, but i actually don’t have a lot to say about this kiss, mainly because i believe any technical analysis becomes pointless in the face of the journey that led them to this moment. this is their first kiss after being reunited, and if this were any other show, i feel like it would have made a big deal out of this also being their first kiss in their real bodies, but the love between puen and talay has never been about physical appearance, and we're reminded of that once again. this kiss is the meeting of two souls who have missed each other and find comfort in being together again, and i don't think it's a coincidence that this is the one time they are fully facing each other, with puen mirroring talay's crosslegged position on the bed. “from this moment on, it’s me and you,” talay is gonna say in the next episode, “talay and puen,” and i think this kiss perfectly represent these words. i guess i do wish, once again, that sea were holding jimmy back in some way, even just by grabbing his arm, but like with the greyllery kiss i think it does work character-wise, because while this is a comforting moment for both of them, talay is the one who needs more reassurance, who needs to know that puen isn’t gonna leave him, and all the gestures puen does (the forehead kiss, the handholding, the protective hold he has on talay while they kiss) are his way to prove to talay, other than with words, that this isn’t a dream: it’s real, they’re both real, and now that they’re finally home and together, he’s never gonna let anything separate them again.
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the boyfriends kiss in episode 12. what's better than a kiss in the same place the universe separated you as a way to seal the deal on your new-found and hard-fought boyfriend status? NOTHING THAT'S WHAT. i do think, however, that this kiss kinda leaves you wanting for more. it's not a short deep one like the bucket hat kiss, but it's also not a full make out session like many of the others, and since they don't have the time to build a nice rhythm it feels like the kiss ends before it even gets a chance to start. this is also one of the times where i wish sea were touching jimmy back in some way, or that his body were lining more towards him, because physicality wise it makes him seem a bit less engaged in the moment. despite these details im still pretty fond of this kiss, mostly because the utter adoration in both puen's and talay's eyes before it makes up for A LOT in my book. also it's not really related to the kiss itself but i love the dark/light contrast in their clothes.
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the foggy glasses kiss in episode 12. GAME CHANGING LIFE ALTERING MIND BLOWING. A CULTURAL RESET. we've all read about kisses that leave a character breathless, lightheaded and weak at the knees, maybe even got to experience some ourselves in our life, and i honestly can't think about any other kiss in television history that was able to perfectly represent that feeling more than this one. from talay's dazed expression, to his foggy glasses, to his messy hair because of puen's fingers running through it, you can actually believe this kiss affected him to such an extent. and how could it not affect him when the rhythm and physicality of it are INSANE???? the way puen is holding talay's head with BOTH OF HIS HANDS to keep talay in place barely gives talay any time to take breath and they're so close and entangled in each other that you can barely tell where one starts and the other ends. i love the wider camera shots of this kiss because, as i mentioned before, you once again get to see why physicality is defined as surrender: it looks like their bodies are almost melting into each other. it's not even their longest kiss, but the tension and the intensity are off the charts in every part of it. the single-minded purpose with which puen approaches talay at the beginning, eyes firmly on talay's face, never wandering from it, already lets you know just how wild this kiss is about to be, and you can't expect anything less from it after getting to see talay confessing to puen for the third time in five episodes. i also find it very telling that both the show and the our skyy episodes end on such great kisses, they feel like the testament of their love and the proof of how far they've come.
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the beach kiss in our skyy. ONE KISS TO RULE THEM ALL ONE KISS TO REMEMBER THEM ONE KISS TO HONOR THEM ALL AND IN FRONT OF THE OCEAN BIND THEM. so anyway bad jokes (and quotes) aside, this kiss does feel like a sum of all their previews ones, maybe because there are elements in it that tend to remind the viewers of a lot of them: the drunk kiss being used as a set up for it, the framing of puen's face at the beginning being the same as the greenhouse and the greyllery ones, puen's smile before pulling talay into it being a little nudge to the bathtub kiss, their position almost mirroring the boyfriends one...... not to mention that it's hard to look at the ocean and not be reminded of other important moments in their journey, like the two of them promising to find each other again in their universe on the secret island and talay having to wait for the tide to retreat to go back to puen. the ocean of is also the place where talay drowned and everything began, so it only makes sense for their story to end in front of it too. the cycle closes with a recollection of the past and a promise for the future, the kiss itself, the mouthed "i love you" and the forehead touch letting us know that no matter what's gonna happen, they will always love each other like the very first day. much like with the reunion one, i think any technical aspect of this kiss becomes of very little importance when you're faced with the whole entire everything of their history together being contained in it, but let me just say, what a difference sea's arm casually draped over jimmy's legs makes!!!!! compared to the boyfriends kiss, you can see how the extra physical connection makes both of them look fully invested in the kiss and makes the viewers feel more involved in it too. as always the rhythm of the kiss is really good, and this time sea is the one who really shines when it comes to the look, because he's just radiating adoration love and pure unadulterated joy everywhere. not that jimmy isn't giving insane levels of emotions too, but im gonna end this mess with something deeply controversial: i know the fandom likes their long hair, but jimmy's bangs end up covering his eyes way too much and that is A CRIME.
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moony4pads · 9 months ago
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*voice of a girl that zonned out 2 hours ago and does not now what is going on*: I Sleept 0 hours last night and is totally functioning
#i have been cursed by the insomina gods#yesterday i rejoyenced realising i regularly was gotton 7-8 hours of sleep in the nights of the holiday period#and overall my insomina has been looking up recently#like im talking up to 6 hours on a school night sometimes! (yes sometimes sschool starts at 11 but i still hav to lissen so is still school)#so the gods cursed me for being a celebratory duck and made me get 0 hours of sleep#no ajustment period to return to my insomiac fays to get used to the feeling of heavy eyelids like brics i cant hold open#this was w no changed to my routine btwwww en no extra stress specifically on that day i had not before had#so yeah fate was basicly like now that you have engnolged that ur improving i have to put you back to squere 1#like a smakes and ladders board game but with numbers on the blokths#*SQUARES that js the word#how is it that this time last year i was regularly dealing w this shit and going through a functioning day like this#cant be me now#i have been spoiled by the sleep god and now i no longer now how to work on 0 hours of sleep an unmedicated brain and a crushing headache#(and it used to be that the days were i did get sleep i only got ever like 3-5 hours never any of this 7 hour shit i had saved up yet i#surviveded) i am no longer surviving succesfuly#my brain is too priocrepied trying to kwep my eyes open it cant think properly#there was a market today but i dint have the energy to go wich is a shame#also i am litterlay buried in dealdimes that i couldnt motivate myself to work on before i insominaed again so idk what ill do now#cry mabey but i am not feeling tears it is the buring jeeping my eyes open and they are not tears they are the regret of 3am me#insominac#insomnia#adhd#sleep#fail at life if lige is sleep and it is sleep in actuality#NO SLEEP BITCH LIKE COULD YOU NOT GAVE AT LEADT GIVEN ME 1 OR 2 HOURS JUST FOR FUNSIESES
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natandacat · 2 years ago
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Hi, sorry if this is unsolicited/unhelpful but it might help so I just wanted to tell you anyway. My mum got diagnosed with M.E after a bout of flu when I was 7. I was too young too fully understand exactly what had happened to her at the time, but i still remember how scary and sudden it was was for the family. The first few months were awful and she could barely get out of bed, but she did get a LOT better! Within a few years she was able to walk up hills and even drive short distances again. She will never be 100% recovered, but it's not over, and she's certainly still able to live a good life, 21 years later :)
I do appreciate it, thank you. The problem is that I'm getting worst in the second year, not better. I was doing so much better in the first 6 months somehow. Also, since we have stopped giving a shit about the pandemic, it's likely that I will end up contracting covid again. Even though I now have a treatment protocol in place for this eventuality (instead of a general instruction to go to the ER and wish for the best lol), it's likely that this will at least cause a momentary relapse of symptoms (if not permanent). I just have a very atypical case and even the not bs doctors I've seen are genuinely confused. The thing that breaks my heart the most is not being able to play the cello, because it's too physical. It's not just art to me, it's a part of my body. It's like losing my ability to cry or laugh. But thank you for this. There is a treatment that we're trying, it will just take months to show effects if it has any. And who knows, maybe there are issues with my brain which can be fixed, so eh.
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atimelessdream · 2 months ago
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life actually sucks much rn hahhaha
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lord-shitbox · 3 months ago
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having friends and hanging out with them is now up to me to show initiative and have the energy to Make Plans this is doodoo poopybutt. what the hell .
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sleepyjim2 · 7 months ago
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legit the Only thing stopping me from dyin right now is that i know i wldnt be respected by my family after 😭
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rose-tinted-kalopsia · 8 months ago
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should have used that pick-up line on xavier
ANONIE I— you know what. ive embarrassed myself enough on this blog, i can't lose face any more than i already have.
@xavier-starlight did you know that the sun gives off more than 35 octillion lumens of light? the earth will pride itself for having the sun as its brightest light, but i believe you shine even brighter than that <3
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tamahoshio · 1 year ago
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ive been fucking with an au of a slice of my main/fave OC's life (bcause he must bear the most torture i guess lmao) and like i'm so tempted to make it canon bc it explains so well the time right after it, as well as a few things in general, but i also absolutely don't because it's like sensitive material and i dont wanna have to tell people besides myself about it bc despite research personal experiences and all i know it's a kind of thing where i'm probably just not the person anyone would want to even mention some of it? complicated feels in tags?
#it isnt anything particularly offensive or gross i dont think#like of course my snippy ass oc who is going through shit is gonna be a little shitty out of stress for a moment#but not in an obia or ism way#now that it is buried ill tell you#so local young man has cancer scare which turns into pregnancy scare which turns out to be a miscarriage for various reasons due to#some complications with his reproductive system and this whole ordeal is how he finds out hes a type of intersex#while nearing the end of his pre-med program and bc of the stress and need for time to go to all of the necessary doctors he took a semeste#off that he absolutely did not want to#and this mixed with pressure from both school and his part time job#as well as complicated feelings about sex and gender which he kinda thought he already reconciled but bc of all thats happened is reevaluat#and while he comes to a similar conclusion you know the process of all this is a lot to take in#and our boy spirals for a relatively short time only like a year or something before he decides to go home to spend time with family and ge#himself together and see old friends and remember why he wanted to get a good education and why he wants to help people in the first place#he ends up letting himself fall back in love with his fiance after pushing him away and the time apart has really let them both take seriou#looks at who they are and how they feel about really important adult things that werent really on their minds when they first got together#in middle school and now having gone through the series of events before them and having the time to get to know themselves has been#eye opening and they get to build their relationship from a more mutually free place#now theres a lot here i know and some of it is delicate and complicated since things manifest in lots of ways#i come at it from a place of respect and honesty#i myself only have a hormone disorder imbalance thing that causes a bunch of repro garbage#and of course ive known people who experienced some of the other things and ive researched things though even in writing#i dont think i aim to educate but to communicate how characters experience life?#and when it comes to the gender stuff ill admit hes kindof similar to me with how regardless of how i feel irt interests or what role id#play in xyz relationships i feel like im a cis woman so its not a big deal to me but ive put a lot fo thought and reading and talking into#myself and so thats where despite everything he still identifies as a man comes from#i know its probably dumb of me to write any of this
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casekt · 2 years ago
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#I don't like to consider myself an anxious person because I haven't had like generalized anxiety much in my life or maybe I have n I don't#remeber. forever had social anxiety#but this year I'm so incredibly anxious just doing nothing or anything#about nothing but also about things that trigger my PTSD and OCD#I feel so much more sensitive to becoming that way idk if it's because of my antidepressants or because of how many hours and hours of this#specific abusive relationship media I've watched lmao#I really enjoy it when watching it it's amazingly done and I can't stop thinking about it I'm totally in love with the characters n their#relationships n the story etc but later after it's settled in my brain I'm too anxious to watch it anymore#stupid brain#personal shit#audio#but anyway I was doing just fine ptsd wise and obsessive part of ocd wise but I started thinking about some shit n talked about it in#therapy n thats of course a good thing I don't want to hust bury it but damn bro getting through it sure isn't easy#also stupid brain bc when I'm ''not suffering enough'' I feel like damn I should be suffering more my mental illness is not bad enough#but then when it's worse again its like fuck no lets go back to the not suffering as much#y'know how it is#spotify play killpop by slipknot at a high volume to drown out having shitty feelings but also the song makes me anxious as well because#it's literally about a shitty relationship and reminds me So much about my favorite characters in this media and their relationship#we were meant to be together now die and fucking love me#p***/e***** brainrot FOREVER
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yandere-daydreams · 4 months ago
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Screening: Dracula (1931).
Pairing: Yandere!Chrollo x Reader (HxH).
Runtime: 1.8k.
TW: Implied Non/Con, Obsessive Behavior, Threats of Physical Violence, Slight Gore, and Mentions of Death.
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Your hands wouldn’t stop shaking.
You could feel his eyes burning into you from the other side of the abruptly-too-short table, the chill of the marble slab where it threatened to press into your midriff, but you did your best to ignore both. The table had already been set by the time you were called down to the dining room, a small army of silver platters arranged neatly in the space between you and him. You hadn’t eaten since the night before, but you weren’t hungry. Even if you had been, it was hard to imagine forcing yourself to choke down anything aside from your own anxiety. You were tempted to try your luck with the generously poured glass of wine to your left, but to drink it, you’d have to reach for it, and to reach for it, you’d have to lift your hands from where they were balled in your lap and you couldn’t do that because your hands wouldn’t stop fucking shak—
“Is the meal not to your tastes, dear?”
“It’s perfect,” you responded immediately, beaming. You grabbed the wine glass before you could hesitate, drinking as much as you could stand to. Chrollo’s ever-present grin had taken on a contented lull by the time you set it down. “Remind me to thank the chef before I leave. That is, if I ever actually manage to catch him.” And then, with a forced laugh, “That is, if this storm ever lets up long enough for me to get out of here.”
As if on cue, thunder clapped outside, followed shortly by a bolt of lightning bright enough to cast the dimly light dining room in a vibrant silver haze. You shrunk into your seat, but Chrollo’s dark eyes only seemed to brighten. “I’m honestly surprised you haven’t run into a member of my staff, yet. It’s been… how long? Four days?” Six. Come midnight, you’d be celebrating your week-long anniversary. “I hope you don’t think I’m keeping anyone away from you deliberately. Not that I’d mind keeping you to myself.”
It took everything you had to smile rather than cringe, to laugh rather than bury your face in your hands and scream. A day ago, you would’ve found your host’s nonchalance charming, but it was hard to find someone charming when the thought of meeting his eyes made you feel physically sick. It was hard to believe you’d been so thankful when you first turned-up on the doorstep of his dark, empty countryside mansion, when you realized you wouldn’t be at the mercy of an ancient, self-isolating millionaire but a man around you own age who, as far as you could tell, was as flustered to see you as you were to need his help. You explained that your car broke down about half a mile down the road, and he invited you to spend the night before calling for help at a more reasonable hour. The typhoon had rolled in not long before sunrise, and, well…
Again, thunder crashed and rain pelted the mansion from all directions. This time, you flinched into your seat before you could stop yourself.
It was your own fault, honestly. It’s not like there weren’t signs that something was wrong. Chrollo was charming, but he was off-putting, too. He seemed to treat the concept of personal space as more of a suggestion as a rule, whether that meant seeking you out in the tightest corner of the mansion’s sprawling library just to share a sofa truly meant for, at most, one person or letting himself into your room at night as if he couldn’t tell the difference between two in the afternoon and two in the morning. He claimed to have a full staff, and yet, you’d never run into any maids, butlers or cooks – never saw anyone who wasn’t Chrollo. His clothes always seemed to be either strange or ill-fitting, like he was wearing items from someone else’s closet, and more damningly, he didn’t seem at all suspicious of you, the stranger he’d allowed to stay in his home for nearly a week, now. No offense was particularly jarring, but it should’ve added up. You should’ve noticed sooner.
The only thing you could do, you figured, was bid your time and sneak out in the early hours of the morning. The landlines were down and you didn’t have cell reception, but the next house couldn’t be that far away, and you doubted Chrollo would follow you into the storm. Or, you hoped he wouldn’t, at least. You couldn’t really do much more than that.
“So,” Chrollo went on, and you made a point of nodding and smiling like he’d just said the smartest thing you’d ever heard, “When did you find the bodies?”
Immediately, your expression fell. A second later, you noticed that your hands had stopped shaking, but only because you’d lost the ability to move entirely.
When you finally regained the will to speak, it was all you could do to spit out something pathetically noncommittal. “...I’m not sure what you mean, sir.”
“Don’t be shy. I promise, I’m not mad, just curious.” He paused, letting his eyes bore into you. “You left the door unlocked.”
Ah.
The basement door, to be more specific. Calling what you’d found ‘bodies’ might’ve been a little generous, too. What little had been left of each corpse was already so badly deteriorated that it would’ve been impossible to tell which detached hand might’ve belonged to what disembodied torso. That was probably your fault, too. If you’d known to be wary of Chrollo, you would’ve known better than to follow him into the one place he’d asked you not to go, the one place he seemed to always disappear to when he wasn’t breathing down your neck.
“This morning,” you admitted. “I was bored and looking for you. Honestly, it’s kind of embarrassing that it took me this long to realize you were a…”
You trailed off, but Chrollo was more than happy to finish in your stead. “A member of the Phantom Troupe?”
This time, you couldn’t stop yourself from buckling – your mouth falling open as you stared at him, wide-eyed. “Oh my god,” And then, after burying your face in your hands, “I thought you were a fucking vampire, you goth prick.”
That was enough to earn an airy chuckle from Chrollo, any condescension hidden well underneath wry amusement. While you tried to recover, he went on. “I suppose I don’t have to tell you that I don’t actually live here. In truth, I only arrived a few hours before you did – long enough to dispose of the residents and staff, even if getting rid of their remains has been an…” For once, his eyes shifted away from you, skirting to the left. “An ongoing process.”
With a shallow sigh, he pushed himself to his feet rounding the table and falling into the chair closest to you. Dinner, if he’d ever had any interest in it at all, was thoroughly forgotten as he propped an arm on the edge and rested his chin on his knuckles. “I hope you’ll forgive me for not being more upfront. In a line of work like mine, it’s so rare to find an opportunity to play house.”
So, he was a thief. No, it was more than that – he was a world-class thief, with worse crimes under his belt than a handful of homicides and the wrongful imprisonment of one confused civilian. God. This was bad. You should’ve left earlier – as soon as you found the bodies. You should’ve never gotten out of your car at all.
Slowly, you straightened your back, keeping your arms crossed as you glared half-heartedly. “Are you going to let me leave?”
He hummed, drumming his fingers against his jaw. “Now, why would I go and do something like that?”
Your heart sank in your chest. “You’re going to kill me, then?”
“Now you’re just being hurtful.” It was uncanny, how little his demeanor changed prior and post to his confession. If anything, he seemed even more smug – like he was basking in your apparent terror. “As if I could be so wasteful. Besides, I was under the impression that you’ve been enjoying out time together.”
“And I was under the impression that you weren’t a serial killer!” You threw up your hands, agitation quickly overshadowing the worst of your nerves. “Things can change!”
“I suppose they can.” He was so frustratingly calm. If the memory of his dissected victims wasn’t burnt so deeply into your mind, you would’ve rolled your eyes. “And eventually, things will. You don’t think I plan to keep you trapped in this estate forever, do you?”
Rather than dwell on the implication, you moved on swiftly. “If you’re not going to hurt me, you can’t stop me from leaving. The storm can’t be more dangerous than spending another night with you.”
Somehow, his smile only seemed to grow that much wider. “Did you know that the majority of deaths related to natural disasters are from delayed attempts to evacuate? There are all sorts of threats – flooding, debris, sinkholes…” He brightened with each listed hazard, and you tried (and failed) not to picture yourself drowning in muddy rainwater. “Oh, and sickness, of course. Spend enough time in the rain and it won’t matter if you eventually find shelter – you’ll die of pneumonia in a matter of weeks.”
“You don’t know—”
“And, for the record, I said I wasn’t planning to kill you. You never asked about anything else.” He let out a dry chuckle. “I’m sorry, but I sure you understand. It’d just be irresponsible to promise that I’ll never have to, say, dislocate your ankle to stop you from making a very brash, very unadvisable decision.”
“Like calling the cops.”
“Like trying to go outside in a very bad, very easily deadly storm,” he clarified. “You can contact anyone you’d like, but please, try to be considerate. I’m going to run out of room in the basement eventually.”
This time, when you melted into your seat, it wasn’t out of reflex or anxiety, but in a deliberate effort to put that much more distance between him and you. “I… I don’t want to get hurt, and I don’t want to die,” you admitted, taking longer than it should’ve to say something so glaringly obvious. “Tell me what I have to do to make that not happen.”
Yet another clap of thunder. This time, the lightning didn’t so much as tint his soulless eyes. “Straight to the point, as always. I like that about you.”
For the first time, he seemed to hesitate – a pink haze spreading over his pale cheeks as he reached out and laid his hand, almost gingerly, over yours. His trepidation was short-lived, though, only lasting up until the second you tried to pull away and he had an excuse to intertwine his fingers with yours, his grip tight enough to bruise.
“Why don’t we get to bed, darling?”  
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