#ik it's the day after again technically but i haven't slept yet so it's still the 6th in my heart

[the-daily-scrommit]

January 6, 2023

Jan 6, 2023 - Third entry

Today has been a lot easier than previous days; each day seems to be getting better and better. I haven't cried (though I don't think I have the last couple days anyways), I've eaten more than I have any other day this last week, I've talked more positively and lightheartedly with people I haven't talked to as much or as nicely recently, and I just generally feel less emotional.

I texted my ex-partner a lot this morning, but it was all positive friendship related stuff- how excited I am to be close friends with them down the line, how nice it'll be for me to really trust them as my friend, how I can't wait to be able to spend time with them again when the two of us are ready. I even told them I'm excited to feel comfortable and safe enough to be little with them again. They've expressed to me before that they want to be able to give me that space as friend because they know how I am when I'm little and in puppy space.

Speaking of puppy and little space, I reached out to a different friend about being little with them and they were so down for it! I'm kind of scared to be little around someone who isn't my partner in general (which is part of why I'm not being little or a puppy with my ex-partner even though I was previously comfortable being in those spaces with them), but I've known this friend and been emotionally vulnerable with them on and off for years, so it makes this feel less daunting and scary to me. I'm really excited to just let go again and allow myself to be in a vulnerable space with someone I care about again.

I've been thinking a lot about what my ex means to me today, and it hasn't been too painful. I'm in a weird space of not knowing if I necessarily want to actively try to date them in the future while also being very open to the thought of letting things happen naturally if they go in that direction. I'm jealous of new people they're meeting or have the potential to meet, but at the same time I'm excited for them to experience more, because I can see how happy it's making them. They've been getting out and doing so much for themselves and it's making me want to do more of the same.

Seeing this is also making it easier for me to continue being just their friend and to want to learn more of their interests. I know it might be kind of shitty from some perspectives that I didn't want to be personally involved in some video games they play while dating them- mostly shooters or very active games in general, which are very not my cup of tea- but at that point I got a lot of enjoyment from getting to sit and watch them do that because we had more time together. Now our time together isn't guaranteed, so I'm finding myself becoming more curious with these intense video games that are sure to give me headaches and sensory overload. I know that I'll be more likely to get time with them if I play these same games, even though it still isn't guaranteed. Even right now, they're trying to figure out how to play Pathfinder as an alternative to D&D and I'm asking about it as they learn and expressing my own interest in learning the game to play with them over a discord call with some other friends.

I'm really excited about where all of this is going, even though there are still emotions that I feel on the daily that bring a physical weight to me. I'm happy I've been reaching out to people and doing more for myself. I went to the gym without being too frustrated at myself or the world around me, played video games that I enjoy with friends, lit candles for myself, focused on visualizing an intake of positive energy to replace the negative energy I've been feeling, and generally doing everything I can right now to keep myself properly afloat.

Things are getting better and I'm hopeful again, but for different reasons and objectives in my life. I have so many good people around me and I have every intention of keeping it that way.

Goodnight, take care; I am sending you love. <3