#ik it's her depression and stress making her act out like this but i didn't deserve that

[luvxiem]

i had such an awful day today but luca is so cute on stream rn lol

[that-delulu-fangirl]

I'm so fucking tired of life and I'm a 14 year old girl and it's 3am and I'm crying I probably suffer from depression, anxiety, adhd or autism or all but I can't tell my parents cuz dad's not gonna understand and he's not even there emotionally and mum's sick so I have to make my younger brothers sleep and she has so much more trauma and stress than me, and I'm scared they're gonna find this and I have to use a fake account and I've literally cried through whole car rides and they haven't noticed and I've got lines on my wrist and they haven't noticed and I'm not close friends with anyone and I have a lot of cousins but my comfort cousin doesn't talk to me when we all get together and I feel so awkward and it's so fucked up that I can vent to strangers but not my parents and nobodies probably ever gonna see this and I'm banned from social media but it's the only way I found out that they're probably toxic parents and I have to act as a therapist to both of them and put them in a bad light to each other so they can vent and I have so much trauma probably but yk there's so many people who have it worse and I'm up at this hour cuz it's the only time I get to just be myself and I think I'm a burnt out autistic so everything irritates me and I get sensory overload but I can't say anything cuz mum's so tired after today so I gotta smile and help her and I was a gifted child but now I'm homeschooling and probably failing and I don't even wanna do the things I used to love like reading and calligraphy and I have to force myself to watch series and I read fanfics to feel something and I go to the bathroom daily to cry but to the outside world I'm very strong and don't cry, and mum says I shouldn't bottle up my feelings but when I tell her about it she suddenly has it 10x worse, and Im having a sexuality crisis, I think I'm bi but probably not and I can't tell anyone about it, and I want a really tight hug but not from mom or dad, cuz dad and mom argue alot but others have it worse and oh shit what did I do now dad is mad he's not speaking to us moms having a hard day so she can just yell at us but Im not allowed to have bad moods and Im guilt tripped for having them, and I'm gaslighted on a daily basis and I just wanna move out of this hell hole so I can be more productive but my parents have my future planned out for me, and I have a bestie but she has another bestie, and I'm a people pleaser and my brother pushes me to my limits but I can't say anything cuz I'll get yelled at cuz I'm older and am responsible but I don't wanna fucking be responsible and Matilda by Harry styles is my theme song and I have a house but not a home and I'm not supposed to be using my tablet rn and also my dad's not financially stable so now I'm somehow feeling guilty for that also, and Im just an emotional punching bag but other people have it worse, and I'm tired of living but too scared to die and ik I'm fucked up cuz when I was 7 I hid in a closet to see if my parents would look for me and they didn't and i was sad and I get relieved when they're not at home and I can do my own thing but what if I'm faking it, and I basically raised myself and am now the co-parent and I don't even cry for normal things like death and sad songs, I've just become numb and I'm FUCKING TIRED OF BEING OKAY but mom needs me and so does my brothers so I have to be okay and I'm also fat according to my parents and they don't say it explicitly and somehow that hurts more, and Im a klutz and I'm the older one I need to set a good example and they're looking for an excuse to find the bad in me and I have to walk on eggshells around mom cuz what if she gets mad at me and I DON'T WANNA GET MARRIED AT 18 but mom wants that so I smile and say okay and they're so FUCKING strict on me and my brother is definitely mom's fav and when I tell her she gets mad, when she's stressed out and I try to help her she yells at me and I feel uncomfy with my dad showing me affection and just my dad in general and I have to help my brother's when my parents are moody, but yea I'm okay and you? 🫠