#ignore the words i was just tryna fill in the empty space

[six-eyed-samurai]

So I've been trying out a new art style and decided to gender bend myself...so I guess (grabs head) you all...

Willfinallyseewhatisunderneaththepaperbag-

DISCLAIMER, THIS IS NOT ACTUALLY AN ACCURATE REPRESENTATION OF ME OR WHAT I LOOK LIKE

Thoughts? 🥹 Would like to improve with feedback!

[soobmint]

paper hearts | choi soobin [f] ; [c] 80s! au, 9.6k words

s u m m a r y ; if there was one thing you wanted to avoid on valentine’s day, it was running into your ex best friend, choi soobin. but when a series of unfortunate events involving too much purple eyeshadow, drunken punches, and one stolen bicycle leads you right back to his side, you begin to realize that maybe you truly belonged with him all along.

c o n t e n t s ; soobin x fem!reader, 80s! au, valentine’s day, ex best friend! soobin, rich boy! soobin, but he’s a major dweeb and the biggest softie, yeonjun is a major prick (i’m so sorry junnie), reader is a part time worker, soobin is best friends with lee felix of stray kids, some themes of social classes, roughly inspired by the 80s movie “pretty in pink,” mentions drugs, alcohol, and single parent households, mostly just fluff, fluff, and more fluff, with a hint of crack/humor

n o t e ; hello friends! this was a very quickly planned, last minute valentine’s day idea, and it’s actually a collab with one of my dearest friends, @chanluster ! she posted her piece of the collab as well, you can check it out by going to the collab masterlist here! this was so much fun to write and i think that 80s! soobin was just too good of a concept to pass up! anyways, happy valentine’s day, i hope you enjoy this oneshot! do leave a like, reblog, or comment if you could, it really helps so much <3

[back to my masterlist] [oneshot playlist]

IF ONE MORE CUT-OUT, CRAFT-PAPER HEART HIT YOU IN THE FACE, YOU WERE GOING TO QUIT YOUR JOB.

Of course you would never actually quit. With your mother out of the picture and your father working nonstop overtime just to barely have enough cash to put food on the table for the both of you, you had come to rely on your minimum wage part-time hours more than you liked to admit. However, the handmade strings of paper hearts that hung from wall to wall throughout the entirety of the record shop you were employed at was enough to make you consider it; not to mention the Phil Collins record that had been spinning all day, filling your ears with melodies embodying the very air of romance, and the embarrassing pink sweater your boss had forced you to wear. You mumbled curses beneath your breath as you pulled at the collar, itching away at your neck.

When you made a step towards a crate full of records, ready to tidy it up after a customer had rummaged through it leaving it a mess, you were met with another face full of cheap red construction paper. With a large growl of exasperation, you swatted at the hearts and accidentally caused the entire string of them to fall to the ground. You cleared your throat, glad that no customers were present to see your little outburst.

Your boss, Jen, still saw it all.

“That’s not very festive of you, kid,” She said, taking a drag on her cigarette. “It’s Valentine’s Day! Lighten up.”

“Ah, my bad. I forgot that I was supposed to be overjoyed on the day honoring the execution of St. Valentine,” You said as you gave her a sarcastic smile. “I’ll make sure to smile at the next couple that walks in and ask them how they plan to contribute to the commercialization of a martyr’s death.”

“You must be real fun at parties,” Jen mumbled. She shook her cigarette at you from behind the counter. “You’re just bitter because you don’t have a valentine. I can’t blame anyone for giving you the cold shoulder with that attitude of yours.”

You scowled, picking up the string of hearts that you had sent crashing to the floor. “I’m not bitter, and I don’t want a date. Also, I told you to stop smoking inside! It smells awful.”

“Last I checked, this was my shop, not yours.” You rolled your eyes as you approached the counter, handing the discarded string to Jen so she could throw it in the trash. “Now you’re making me do chores for you too? You’ve got some nerve, I’ll give you that.”

“Jen, please, I’m really not in the mood for this today.”

Jen shrugged, bending towards the trash can to throw away the string of hearts when she paused and pulled something from the bin. You glanced over your shoulder and gasped when you saw what she held in her hand—a small red envelope with your name scrawled across the front and a pink heart-shaped sticker stuck on the back.

“What’s this?” Jen asked, opening the envelope and shaking out the contents. A single slip of paper fell out, landing atop the counter. You rushed to grab it, but Jen snatched it up just before your fingers reached the countertop.

“Give me that,” You insisted, face growing warm. “I threw it away for a reason!”

“It’s an invitation to a party?” She seemed beyond surprised, glancing back and forth between you and the paper several times. “You got invited to a Valentine’s Day party, and instead of going, you asked me to give you extra hours? Why?”

You looked down at your feet, digging the toe of your sneaker into the blue carpet. There were, in fact, many reasons why you did not want to go to that party. They were as follows:

One: Choi Yeonjun was the one who had invited you. After you had rejected his offer when he asked to take you to a basketball game a month before, you could barely make eye contact with him in the school hallway without feeling guilty. That and the fact that he was one of the richest preps in the school, you knew he had just been asking you out for some sort of prank or dare that you preferred to not potentially fall victim to.

Two: you needed to work as much as you could. Money, as always, was tight for you and your father. There was no way you would sacrifice precious hours to go to a party full of rich kids where nothing but humiliation was sure to await you.

Three: your old childhood friend and the one person you couldn’t bear to see was probably going to be there—Choi Soobin.

You had barely spoken to Soobin in the four years you had been in high school. Crossing paths with him in the cafeteria, turning down the same aisle of books as him in the library, all those tiny stolen glances and accidental encounters were the only bits of interaction you had kept throughout all that time. The worst part was, he hadn’t done anything wrong.

It was nothing but your own cowardice that had driven the two of you apart, and you were still too afraid to own up to it.

Instead of explaining all of this to Jen, you simply shrugged and said, “I dunno. It just sounds lame.”

Your boss sighed, holding the invitation out towards you. “Okay, I’m letting you off early. Go to the party.”

With wide eyes, you shook your head immediately. “Absolutely not. Why in the world would I go?”

“Well, first of all, it’s a once in a lifetime opportunity for you. Who knows when your next chance to go to a party will be.”

You couldn’t help but roll your eyes at that.

“Second, it’s a holiday! The only reason I even opened today was because you were begging me for hours. I thought it was because you were bummed about having no plans, but clearly it’s because you wanted an excuse to be a recluse.”

“Hey, I’m not a recluse.”

“Clearly.” She shook the invitation at you once more, brows raised. “If you go, I’ll raise your pay by fifty cents for the next month.”

Your ears perked up at that.

“Well?” She asked, well aware that she had hit the jackpot. “What'd ya say?”

Weighing the risks against the benefits, you bit the inside of your cheek.

“Make it a dollar and you’ve got a deal.” 

-

“HAPPY VALENTINE’S, CHOI.”

When Soobin heard the sarcastic remark coming from his best friend, Felix, he had to fight back the urge to burst into tears then and there. He still wasn’t quite sure how Felix had convinced him to come, but he was already regretting it. The last thing he wanted to do to celebrate the day dedicated to love was spend it at a house party—or, as Soobin preferred to call them, any outcast high school kid’s version of hell on earth.

With a quick peek between his fingers, which he had used to cover his eyes immediately upon arriving at the site of the Valentine’s party, Soobin caught another eye-full of couples getting all too familiar with one another out in the open. He gulped, letting his hands grip the handles of the bike as he averted his gaze, choosing to cast his best glare at Felix, who was busy adjusting his ever-present beanie.

“Shut up,” he murmured, slowly sliding off the seat of his bike. He dusted off the worn, tearing cushion, glancing around the area. “Now quick, we gotta put our stuff somewhere safe.”

Felix looked aghast, making no moves to help Soobin in his search for a hiding spot. “What are you doing?”

“Tryna find a safe place for my bike?” He thought the answer to be somewhat obvious, but clearly Felix wasn’t on the same track of thinking. “You don’t know today’s world! Anyone is willing to steal nowadays.”

“Soobin, your bike is coughing up oil from its chains. It should be in its own care home at this rate.”

“I don’t wanna hear your slander, skater boy,” Soobin retorted, eyeing Felix’s ebony skateboard that he refused to be seen without. As if on cue, when he pushed his bike forward, the chains squealed, drawing the attention of a pair of particularly passionate individuals who had been wrapped up with one another moments before. Soobin ignored their annoyed stares, feeling his ears burn from embarrassment. He glanced back to Felix. “Help me find a hiding spot.”

Felix was anything but enthusiastic, but he began to help Soobin search nonetheless.

“Slide it in here, Soobs,” Felix called a few moments later. He was pointed to an empty space between the home’s perfectly trimmed bushes. Soobin pursed his lips together, pushing his large glasses further up the bridge of his nose—a nervous tick of his. Felix groaned, rolling his eyes. “Or you can leave it out in the open so it’ll spit more oil on the passersby? Is that what you want?”

“Fine, fine!” Soobin huffed, wheeling his bike over to the shrubbery, chains squeaking all the way. He carefully laid it beneath the brush and moved a few branches to cover it up nicely. He stood up straight, dusting his hands on the front of his loose blue jeans. “What about your skateboard?”

Felix gave the board a pat, awarding his most prized possession a dazzling smile one would expect to see a proud father giving his beloved son. But in reality, it was the school’s stoner grinning ear to ear at his old, dusty skateboard. “Nightrider stays with me.”

Soobin scrunched his nose, cringing on instinct. He still calls that thing by that stupid name?

Felix clapped him on the shoulder before he could make a remark, catching him off guard when he said, “Right. Let’s go and get your girl.”

There was nothing Soobin could do to stop the flush that rushed to his cheeks right away. Images of you, his ex-best friend and the only reason he had even come to this party in the first place, flashed through his mind. Had he not overheard Yeonjun invite you earlier that morning and then casually mention the encounter to Felix, there was no way he would have even stepped foot out of his house that night. Part of him was peeved, wishing he had never uttered a single word about you to his overbearing friend. Yet, deep down, there was hope within him—the tiniest sliver.

If there was even the slightest chance that he could talk to you that night, he would do anything. Even if it meant dealing with a stupid party, and the never-ceasing teasing he was bound to continue receiving from Felix.

“Don’t even say that,” He said, emphasizing each word as they walked up the front steps. Soobin had to glance down at his much shorter friend to see the devious grin on his freckled face.

“Say what? That she’s your girl, your woman, your one and only?”

The blush must have been creeping to his neck by that point. He could feel it. “I. . .” There were many things Soobin wished to say; angry words that would hopefully shut the blonde skater boy up real quick. But he couldn’t bring himself to say a single harsh word, so he sighed in defeat. “I can’t even say it.”

“That you hate me?” Felix only grinned even bigger, and Soobin couldn’t help the tiny defeated smile that slipped over his features. “Oh, I know. It’s because I’m too good of a best friend.”

They stepped into the house then, instantly being overwhelmed by loud music, boisterous laughter, and drunken yells echoing throughout the halls. Soobin latched onto Felix right away, gripping his friend’s sleeve as someone stumbled into him, a bit of beer spilling from their cup. He pushed his glasses up, only for them to slide right back down as he began to sweat.

“Maybe we should go home, Lix!” Soobin shouted to be heard over the noise as they travelled further into the house. “We can always try next year!”

“Stop being a scaredy-cat!” Felix shouted back, and Soobin thought he might actually begin to cry as they squeezed their way into the living room. Soobin nearly gagged at the strong smell of alcohol as it burned in his nose. The scene was nothing short of a nightmare to Soobin—loud voices, smoke rising in the air, vodka assaulting his nose and sweat beading on the back of his neck. He had never been one to drink, and he didn’t plan on starting that night; but he was beginning to understand what Felix meant when he had once told him it was nearly impossible to get through one of these parties sober.

He was about to make another complaint and beg to leave when someone from the crowd hollered his name, causing him to wince when he recognized that voice as the one that belonged to none other than Choi Yeonjun.

“Soobin! Where you been?”

Soobin smiled nervously at the school’s heartthrob—and textbook snobby rich kid—before he turned back to Felix. He didn’t want to leave his friend, but he knew that he would never hear the end of it if he ignored Yeonjun’s persistent calls. “I’ll be right back,” He promised Felix, still holding onto his sleeve.

“No, no,” Felix assured. “You go. You’ll probably find her around that place anyway.”

Soobin wasn’t so sure of that. You were definitely not of the right social standing to be caught amongst the circle of the school’s rich boys—which was why it had surprised Soobin that Yeonjun had invited you to the party in the first place. Your high school had its own caste system, and you were near the bottom of it.

And, as much as it pained him to admit it, Soobin was stuck at the very top with all the other rich snobs who cared about nothing more than their daily allowances that came straight from their daddy’s bank account.

“What about you, buddy?” He asked Felix, desperate for any excuse to remain by his friend’s side. He would have tried to bring Felix with him, but his friend was in an even worse social standing than you were—he was poor, and he was most known for being the school’s pothead. There was no way Soobin would willingly drag him into a situation where nothing but slander and torment awaited him.

“Me?” Felix shrugged, gripping his board tighter. “I’ll just smoke away the night.”

Soobin pouted, glancing back at the group of preps as they called for him once again. He sighed, clapping Felix on the shoulder. “Just make sure you won’t smell too much of it when I come back.”

Submitting himself to his doom then, he turned on his heel and slowly made his way to where the group of  boys sat near the sofa, giving them a half-hearted wave.

“Why were you hanging around that Felix guy?” Yeonjun asked once Soobin had reached their circle. “Did he blackmail you or something?”

Soobin frowned, pushing his hands into the pockets of his jeans. “He’s my friend.”

Yeonjun rolled his eyes, brushing a hand through his perfectly-straightened ebony locks. “Sure he is. Tell me, do you see every kid you find on the streets as some sort of personal charity project? Or is it just Felix and—what was her name—” He snapped his fingers then before he said, “Y/N, right?”

Soobin didn’t respond—well, it was more like he couldn’t respond. By nature he was a very passive being, but nothing drew him closer to bouts of anger than when the people he cared about were being insulted right before him.

Especially when it came to you.

Yet, as much as he wanted to tell Yeonjun off or give him a nice shove into the smoke-stained walls, words failed him. They always did. Perhaps this was why you had abandoned him all those years ago. Nobody knew him better than you did, so of course you were able to see what he truly was beneath all the expensive clothes and nervous laughter—a coward.

He figured that he’d probably have left himself too.

“Drink up, buttercup.” The chipper voice that belonged to the other Choi in the small gathering of socialites, Choi Beomgyu, thrust a plastic red cup towards Soobin’s chest. 

He shook his head, throwing another wavering smile in his direction. “No thanks. I don’t drink.”

Yeonjun rolled his eyes. “Of course you don’t. Why are you even here then?”

Once again, Soobin chose silence as his only response. He swallowed, patting the front pocket of his denim jacket. As the group of boys began conversing once more, he couldn’t help but let his eyes wander around the room, searching every drunken face for the features that belonged to you, trying to hear your name in every conversation, desperate for your voice to break through the blasting music and shouting voices.

“Who ya looking for there, Big Choi?” Soobin grimaced at the nickname. He was skinny, but incredibly tall, and nobody would let him forget that. “Big Choi” was one of his most common nicknames among the elitists. He despised it, but of course, he would never voice that aloud.

He glanced at Beomgyu and smiled nervously again, shaking his head. “Nobody.”

His eyes met Yeonjun’s and he gulped yet again as the latter eyed him with suspicion. It wasn’t as though he had anything to hide, but something about Yeonjun’s calculating gaze made his skin crawl.

He needed to escape. Just for a moment, at least.

“I’ll be right back. Going to find some water.”

He slipped out of the living room then, apologizing profusely to each couple he accidentally bumped into, bowing in remorse to each person’s toes his big feet happened to stumble over. He ached to be by Felix’s side—the stoned skateboarder had become somewhat of a security blanket to the taller of the duo—but his blonde friend was nowhere to be seen.

After snagging a bottle of water from the kitchen, Soobin managed to slip into an empty bathroom. He slammed the door shut and wasted no time in locking it. Letting out the biggest sigh of relief, he closed his eyes and leaned his head back against the door, taking a big gulp of the ice cold water.

He set the bottle on the counter and carefully reached into the front pocket of his jacket, his fingers finding the piece of paper he had been storing there all evening. He pulled it out and let his eyes wander over his middle school creation. It was a big heart, cut out from a scrap piece of red construction paper. Scrawled across it in his eight-grade handwriting were the words, Be mine this Valentine’s! His name was etched at the bottom, and at the very top, delicately printed in hot pink glitter glue, your name was written as well.

He had planned to give this to you four years ago on Valentine’s day. Everything had been planned out perfectly; he was to pick you up on his old, trusty bike. It wasn’t really made for two people, but the two of you had fashioned a makeshift extra seat for you to sit upon whenever you went places together. 

He wanted to take you to the Dairy Shack, which was the local ice cream shop where the two of you spent the most time together. You always got a large chocolate shake to share, playing a quick game of rock, paper, scissors to decide who got to eat the cherry on top. He was going to order a shake and specially ask for two cherries that time, and planned to give both of them to you before he would bravely present you with the handmade card he had spent all day working on.

However, when he waited for you outside your house that day, the red dusk turned to pitch black night, and you never stepped foot out your door.

He had even gone up to your door a few times and knocked, but there was no answer. Eventually he pedalled off into the night, back to his house. He was disappointed, of course, but more worried than anything else. He had hoped you weren’t sick.

But when he saw you at school the next day, he knew that hadn’t been the case.

And when you ignored him calling your name as you passed by him in the hallways, he knew that something had drastically changed.

For weeks, Soobin was in great turmoil as he replayed your last few encounters together before you had stood him up. Perhaps you were angry that he had won the last few games of rock, paper, scissors? If he had known, he would have given you all the cherries for the rest of time if it meant you would still talk to him. He didn’t care about them—he cared about you.

He missed you.

And as weeks turned to months, and months turned to years, you still barely spoke to him, and he missed you more and more. The best friend he had wanted to take a step closer to had taken a thousand steps back from him, and he still had no idea why.

But that night, he was determined to find out.

Well, if he could muster up the courage to get a single word out, of course.

He folded the heart back up and stuck it back in his pocket, taking a deep breath as he observed himself in the fogged-up mirror. He fixed his bright blue hair that Felix had helped him bleach and dye, making sure the pieces fell over the corners of his eyes just right. He straightened his white turtleneck and cuffed the sleeves of his denim jacket until he was at least somewhat content with his appearance.

“You can do this, Soobs,” He told himself, adjusting his big round glasses further up the bridge of his nose. “That’s what Felix would say.”

“Hey, rich boy!” A loud scream came from outside the bathroom door, accompanied by harsh knocking that sent Soobin stumbling backwards until he fell in the shower, pulling the curtains down with him.

“Hurry up in there! I’m about to piss myself!”

Soobin let out a shaky sigh, scrambling to his feet as he rushed to fix the curtain he had torn down with his clumsiness. “Sorry,” he mumbled, though he doubted the person on the other side of the door could hear him.

He realized then with an ever growing dread that it would be a miracle if he survived the night long enough to even find you, but it would take the work of God himself for him to actually speak to you.

He figured it was time for him to start praying.

- 

YOU KNEW IT WAS A MISTAKE TO LET JEN DO YOUR MAKEUP.

When she had stopped you on your way out the door with a compact of bright purple eyeshadow, you had turned her down right away. No way in all of creation were you walking in a party with such an atrocious color caked up to your brow bone.

“How can you say it’s gonna look bad if you haven’t even let me try?” Jen had asked.

You had given her a once-over, your lips pressed into a thin line. “If it’s gonna look anything like the way you do your own makeup, I’m gonna have to pass.”

After that snide remark, she had threatened to fire you if you didn’t let her apply the makeup. And so you obliged, though you didn’t have much of a choice.

The booming sounds of the party hit your ears before you had even reached the lawn. Screaming teens—well, there were probably some adults thrown in there as well—and the sound of music spilled through the open windows of the home. Couples and singles alike were scattered throughout the perfectly kept lawn that was now littered with empty cups and other assortments of garbage.

You looked down at your patchwork jeans and pink sweater, certain that you would be underdressed compared to the rest of the partygoers. But from the looks of things, as you carefully squeezed your way through the front door and into the home, everyone was probably too wasted to even notice your arrival, let alone care about your looks.

You caught a glimpse of your face in the hallway mirror, cringing at the sight of your eyeshadow. You had tried to wipe some of it away before arriving, but it simply smudged, giving you quite the shocking smoky, purple eye look. For someone who didn’t even know the difference between a paintbrush and a makeup brush, it was a bold look, to say the least.

If Soobin saw you looking like this, he’d probably have a heart attack.

Soobin.

In the midst of all your frantic preparation, you had nearly forgotten about the main reason why you had planned to avoid this party at all costs. With a quick glance around the room, you realized that he was nowhere to be seen. You wouldn’t have been surprised if he hadn’t shown up at all. He was never a fan of parties, anyway.

You crossed your arms over your chest and slowly slipped past the couples crowding the hallway with their limbs intertwined, mouths practically swallowing one another whole, until you reached the living room. Surprisingly, it was less crowded in here than you thought it might be. A few minglers were scattered about the room’s perimeter, but they all kept away from the center of the room, which was occupied by none other than Choi Yeonjun and all his brainless, rich-boy worshippers. You quickly scanned the group, not able to make out Soobin among them. When you realized he wasn’t there, you were partly relieved and partly disappointed. If was to be anywhere at this party, it would probably be with these guys.

With a quick turn on your heel, you planned to make your way out of the living room before Yeonjun could see you. The last thing you wanted was for the boy with a bruised ego to see you, regardless of whether or not he had been the one to invite you.

“Y/N? You came?”

Too late.

Plastering a forced grin to your face, you slowly turned to face Yeonjun, who had just called your name. He was eyeing you with slight surprise, but soon, a smirk slipped across his lips as he motioned for you to come over. You had to hold back your sigh, wishing there was some way for you to get out of this situation. It was all Jen’s fault that you had to show up in the first place. You decided you were going to demand an extra ten cents be added to your raise the next time you saw your pushy boss.

“Hey Yeonjun,” you said once you had walked over to him. “I figured I’d stop by for a minute or two, since you were kind enough to invite me.”

He smirked, glancing at a few of his friends. They shared a knowing laugh with one another, but the meaning of it was lost to you. You wanted nothing more than to get away from them, but that wasn’t an option.

“You’re too busy to go out with me to a basketball game but free enough to come to a party, huh?” He asked.

You blinked, digging your nails into your arms. “I’m sorry?”

“It’s fine, really,” He drawled, swirling his plastic cup of beer in his hand. “You didn’t think I’d be upset or anything did you? I only asked you out because I was dared to shack up with you. But I’m guessing you already knew that, since you’re so smart and all.”

Your eyes went wide, but you managed to control the rest of your expression. It was just like you had guessed—Yeonjun had invited you to the party with the sole purpose of making a scene.

If you survived the night, Jen was never going to hear the end of it.

“You’re not gonna say anything?” He asked, pushing himself to his feet. You could tell by the slight stumble in his step and his hooded eyes that he had quite a bit to drink. He took a step towards you, causing you to back up immediately. Your back hit the wall, and you placed your palms against it as Yeonjun towered over you. 

“It’s okay, sweetheart. I know why you’re here anyways.” He leaned forward, his lips hovering near your ear. “You’re here to see Soobin, aren’t you? Since he’s the only one here willing to waste his time on filth like you.”

Your blood boiled, and you had to clench your fists at your sides to control your anger.

“Don’t,” You seethed, “Call me that.”

“Call you what? Filth? Or sweetheart? Why, is that something good old Binnie used to call you—”

He never got to finish that sentence, because with one big burst of anger, you stomped on his toe as hard as you could with your worn-out platform sneaker.

“What the hell!” He screeched, drawing the attention of several others in the room. His outburst even caused a few of the couples to pull away from each other’s faces long enough to eavesdrop.

Before you could even say anything back, lukewarm liquid was splashed up in your face, burning your eyes and nose. You gasped, running your hands over your eyes to see Yeonjun with his now empty cup of beer pointed towards you.

“Think twice before you act out against me next time, sweetheart. Never forget your place.”

Tears of anger burned in your eyes, and you scanned the room to see several people exchanging whispers and giggles as they glanced in your direction. You pushed past Yeonjun and quickly made your way out the back door of the house, unable to stand the humiliation for a moment longer.

Soobin arrived in the living room just in time to see you leave.

He wasted no time in rushing towards Yeonjun, grabbing hold of his arm. “Yeonjun, was that Y/N?” He asked, eyes quickly taking in the puddle of alcohol on the floor and the empty cup in Yeonjun’s hand. “What happened?”

“Nothing you need to worry your pretty blue head about, Big Choi. I just put her in her place is all.”

Soobin’s eyes narrowed. “What do you mean you ‘put her in her place?’”

Yeonjun laughed, giving Soobin a nonchalant pat on the back. “Just drop it, would you? It has nothing to do with you.”

“What did you say, Yeonjun?”

Yeonjun was growing irritated now. He huffed out a breath, crossing his arms over his chest. “I said it has nothing to do with you, Soobin. I know you like to hang around people like that pothead Felix, but the rest of us live in the real world, where we’d rather not waste our time with those who have no future anyways. I bet he’s the one that got you to dye your hair that god awful blue, isn’t he?”

Soobin bit the inside of his cheek. He so badly wished to rip Yeonjun to shreds then and there. If he had Felix’s courage, the cocky bastard would have been knocked to the ground ages ago. But if there was one thing Soobin was sure he could never be, it was brave. And so, despite his rage, he remained silent, his eyes practically burning a hole through Yeonjun’s chest from how intently he was glaring.

It seemed as though Yeonjun was about to say something, but his eyes landed on the bit of red that peeked through the front pocket of Soobin’s denim jacket. Before Soobin had time to defend himself, Yeonjun had reached forward and snatched it from his pocket, revealing the large paper heart—his valentine for you.

“So this is why you care so much,” Yeonjun said, laughing as his eyes scanned the glittery words that decorated the page. “You want her to be your valentine.”

“Give that back,” Soobin said quietly, his hands beginning to shake.

Yeonjun instead lifted his eyes to Soobin, gave him a sickly sweet grin, and ripped the heart straight down the middle. He let the two pieces fall from his hands to the ground, and with them Soobin’s heart went also.

“You’re really willing to try and go against me, and for what? For the sake of a girl who can’t even afford a new pair of jeans and a boy that smokes his life away in the bathroom stalls?” Yeonjun took a slow step towards Soobin, his eyes glinting with a sinister determination. “You may be rich, Soobin, but if you choose to lower yourself to their standards, you may as well be dirt poor just like they are.”

With his hands clenched into tight fists, his glasses sliding down his nose, and his heart quite literally in two pieces on the floor below him, Soobin decided that he had had enough.

“I’d much rather be associated with people who are kind and have actual depth to their character than be lumped together with a bunch of pricks like you with no real personality—because that’s something you can’t buy with daddy’s paycheck.”

He had to physically restrain himself from slapping his hand across his own mouth in shock. It was as if the spirit of Felix himself had possessed him to say such harsh things. He wondered where Felix was then, wishing more than ever before to have his best friend by his side as he began to tremble from either the rush of adrenaline that coursed through his veins, or from fear. Or perhaps it was both.

He didn’t have time to ponder it any longer before Yeonjun’s fist collided with his nose, resulting in a sickening crack as pain echoed throughout his face in tidal waves.

He stumbled backward as people began to shout, raising his hand to his nose and gasping when he saw that his palm was covered in blood. 

Beomgyu had his arms wrapped around Yeonjun, who was desperately trying to lunge towards Soobin once again.

“Knock it off, Yeonjun!” Beomgyu shouted, pushing the elder back. “His dad is on the school board! Are you trying to get expelled?”

Beomgyu looked over his shoulder at the still stunned Soobin, who was gaping at the blood that now stained his once white turtleneck. 

“Get lost, Soobin,” Beomgyu said, to which Soobin only blinked in reply, his ears ringing.

“Now!”

Head spinning, Soobin picked up the two halves of his paper heart, stuffed them into his jeans, and stumbled out the same door he had seen you go through just minutes before. After checking to make sure his glasses were still intact—they were, thankfully—he shook his head in an effort to clear his mind of the static, eyes scanning the front lawn looking for any trace of you.

It didn’t take long for his eyes to spot you among the now dwindling crowd of partygoers. Your bright pink sweater stood out against the darkness, so he was able to recognize you even with your back towards him. He sniffed, wiping the back of his hand against his dripping nose as he slowly made his way to where you sat on the curb, your feet planted on the asphalt street. He wished that he looked a bit more presentable—when he played this scene out in his head over the years in which he would finally reunite with you, he never imagined himself dazed and covered in blood.

Desperate times called for desperate measures, he supposed.

When he reached you, he simply stood beside you in silence for a moment, unsure of what to say. He could tell that you sensed his presence, but you refused to look up at him as you kept your face buried in your hands. He could have sworn he heard a few muffled sobs slip through your fingers, but of course, he wasn’t going to bring that up.

Eventually he decided to slip his jacket off of his shoulders, leaning down to drape it over you. You still kept your head down as he sat beside you on the curb, but he watched you grip the jacket and pull it tighter around your body. He smiled a bit, holding the collar of his turtleneck against his throbbing nose.

“Thank you,” you muttered, wiping your hand across your eyes. You finally looked over at him, and when you did, you couldn’t hold back your gasp. “My God Soobin, what happened to your face?”

“Oh, well, I might have gotten punched,” He said quickly, trying to wave off your concern. “Don’t worry about it.”

“Punched? By who?”

He looked down at the ground, sniffing as a drop of blood hit the pavement. “Yeonjun,” he muttered under his breath.

“I’m sorry, did you just say Yeonjun? Are you insane? Why on earth would you butt heads with the Choi Yeonjun?”

Soobin didn’t say anything in response, he simply stared at you, eyes wide with beer dripping off the ends of your hair, makeup smeared across your face, your sweater stained down the front. It didn’t seem to take long for you to put the pieces together, as the shock left your face and was replaced with something akin to guilt.

“Oh,” You said, looking back down at your shoes.

“So she knows that I did it all for her,” Soobin thought.

For some reason, the idea of that both terrified and excited him.

A second later, he glanced over to see you ripping one of the hand-sewed patches of fabric off your jeans, leaving a square of your skin exposed to the chilly night air. You leaned towards him, pushing his hand away from his nose so you could use the patch to clean up some of the blood on and around his puffy red nose.

“Y/N, your pants!” He exclaimed, trying to push your hand away. “They’re ruined!”

“I’m not worried about my pants, you idiot,” You said, swatting his hand away as you continued to press the cloth against his skin. “You got punched in the face because of me, this is the least I could do.”

“That was my choice though,” He muttered, although he stopped trying to resist your touch. He ignored the way his heart thrummed harder in his chest, hoping that you couldn’t hear.

“Well, this is my choice too.” Your eyes flicked to his for a brief moment, your bottom lip pulled between your teeth. “Why did you do it, by the way?”

“Do what?”

“Stand up to Yeonjun for me and get a nasty nosebleed as a result.”

“Oh.” He blinked slowly, keeping his eyes fixed on yours. “Just ‘cause.”

“Because . . . ?”

“Because of you.” He blurted, causing your hand to go still against him. He swallowed his fear, braving the best smile that he could. “Just you. That was my only reason.”

You didn’t say anything as your hand fell from his face, the cloth clutched between your fingers. The anxiety he had tried his best to suppress came rushing up all at once, and he was surprised that his ears didn’t begin to squeal like a tea kettle from all the pressure. 

“Y/N,” He said, gently placing his hand over yours despite how his fingers trembled. “Why did you pull away from me?”

“What?”

“Four years ago. Why did you stop talking to me?”

You were quiet for a moment, digging into the ground with the toe of your sneaker. Soobin held his breath until you finally replied with, “I was afraid.”

“Afraid? Of what?”

“We were getting older, Binnie,” You said, and his heart skipped at the use of your old nickname for him. “You and I, we’re from very different walks of life. You get to hang out with people like Yeonjun, whereas I get a cup of beer poured all over my face just for existing, and you get a fist to the nose for trying to stand up for me. We’re from different sides of the track, one might say.”

“So?” Soobin asked, his hand tightening around yours. “Did you really think that would affect us that much, Y/N?”

You frowned, glancing down at his hand over yours.

“I thought you’d be embarrassed of me,” You said, your voice barely above a whisper.

“Embarrassed?” Soobin’s eyes went wide as he gripped your hand tighter still, pulling it into his lap. “Y/N, I would never, ever be embarrassed of you. Besides, have you seen my best friend? He’s on a first name basis with the principal because of how often he gets written up for smoking behind the school. If I’m not embarrassed of him, why would I ever be embarrassed of you?”

You laughed, wiping the back of your hand across your eyes once more. “I guess I was worried about nothing, huh?” You sniffed, giving his hand a squeeze. “I’m sorry, Soobin.”

He shook his head, squeezing your hand right back. “Don’t apologize. You’re here now, that’s what matters. Do think we could—you know—”

“Pick up where we left off?” You smiled, nodding vigorously. “I’d like that very much, Binnie.”

He beamed then, almost pinching himself to be sure that he was not dreaming, but the pain in his nose was real enough to remind him of that on its own. He jumped to his feet, pulling you right up with him.

“In that case, how about we finally go on that Valentine’s date I had planned all the way back then?”

“Date?” You asked, a brow raised. “Is it really considered a date if two friends are just hanging out?”

He didn’t respond as he pulled you along behind him towards the bushes where he and Felix had hidden his bike. He crouched down and moved the branches aside, feeling his heart drop to his stomach when he realized that his bike was, in fact, no longer there.

He shot up, turning to face you with eyes wide. “Felix—that bastard took my bike!”

You were quiet for a moment, but then, you burst into boisterous laughter, leaving Soobin utterly confused.

“It’s not funny, Y/N!” He whined, shoving your shoulder lightly. “I was supposed to take you to the Dairy Shack on my bike!”

“It is funny,” You said between bursts of laughter. “Only you would get such a rusty old piece of metal stolen from you.”

He pushed his lips out in a pout, sliding his glasses up his sore nose. “It’s a good bike, don’t make fun of it.”

You grinned, interlocking his fingers with yours, which was enough to instantly wipe the pout right off his face. 

“Let’s just walk, Binnie. The Dairy Shack isn’t that far anyways.”

You were right; the walk to your favorite milkshake place was very close to the house where the party had occurred. Although Felix stealing his bike had thrown an obvious wrench in his plans, it was a minor hiccup, and one he could most definitely handle. Besides, he wouldn’t have to see Felix until the next day anyways. He could deal with his frustration then.

At least, that’s what he thought anyways, until the two of you spotted Felix at the skatepark on your way to the dairy shack.

Soobin’s eyes took in the deplorable sight before him—from where he stood on the dimly lit sidewalk, he could see Felix and a girl he had never seen before, their faces nearly pressed together, and most importantly, with his bike discarded a few yards away from them.

“Soobin,” You said, tugging on his arm. “They look like they’re busy, let’s just go—”

But Soobin, who had little patience when it came to Felix messing up his plans, didn’t let you finish before he screamed, “Give me back my freaking bike!”

You had to hold back your snort of laughter at his choice of words. Even when he was trying to sound angry, he was undeniably adorable.

Soobin watched as Felix startled, clutching his spliff between his fingers as he glared daggers back at his friend. Soobin gulped, trying not to let his fear show on his face. What did he have to be afraid of, anyways? He was the victim of thievery, and his best friend was the offender.

Felix took a big step towards him, but he paused, his eyes landing on your interlocked hands. Soobin glanced down as well, his face growing furiously warm as he realized the situation he had gotten himself into. 

He decided to divert the subject before it could even be brought up by saying, “I can’t believe you stole my bike! All this time I was trying to hide it from strangers, but you, my best friend! I should’ve been hiding it from you!”

Soobin noticed Felix’s female companion step off the skateboard and walk over in his direction, and for a second he felt bad for possibly ruining her night with his best friend. However, his frustration was more prominent in the moment as he fixed his gaze back on his best friend, who had fixed a mischievous smirk upon his face that made warning sirens blare in Soobin’s head right away.

“Now, now, buddy,” Felix said, his voice calm and carefree as ever. It probably had something to do with what he had just smoked, but Soobin didn’t care all that much. “You’re just gonna have to let me borrow it for a little longer.”

Soobin nearly laughed at the audacity of such a statement. “You are gonna give me the bike, or—”

“How about this, Soobs?” Soobin’s lips clamped shut at his friend’s interruption, as the thief in question gestured with his joint to where Soobin’s fingers were locked with yours. “You let me keep your bike for the night, and I don’t tell your dad about you hanging out with the opposite gender.”

Unable to control yourself, you let out a big laugh. Soobin would have felt betrayed, but he was more terrified than anything else at the idea of his father finding out that he was taking a girl out without his permission. He would be grounded for weeks—no, months.

“You wouldn’t.”

Felix’s lips curled up even more into a twisted grin that Soobin wished he had the guts to slap off his face. “God, just imagine the look on Mr. Choi’s face. Imagine him finding out about your premarital hand holding.”

No. Not the hand holding.

Soobin almost felt faint, but he steeled himself to the best of his abilities as he cleared his throat. “One night, Lix,” he warned. “If I don’t see it on my porch in the morning, you’ll be sorry!”

“Oh, I’m so scared,” Felix teased. His expression changed a moment later though, when he finally noticed Soobin’s swollen nose and blood-stained turtleneck. “Wait, Soobs, the hell happened to you?”

Soobin, however, had already taken his first steps away from the skatepark, pulling you along behind him. “I’ll tell you later, bud. Enjoy your spliff with that kind girl who you probably don’t deserve!”

“Hey!”

Soobin couldn’t help but laugh as he swung your interlocked hands together, grinning as you let out a laugh as well. The anger that had seeped through him seemed to melt away in an instant as the two of you continued your journey to the Dairy Shack.

“Would your dad really be that upset if he found out about this?” You asked.

Soobin grimaced. “We should probably wait til next year to tell him about this outing. Or maybe the year after that.”

When the two of you had finally reached the Dairy Shack, you waited outside for him while he went in to order your drink. A large chocolate milkshake, with two straws, just like you used to get every time before.

When he had the drink in hand, he walked back outside and sat down beside you on the curb, smiling as you wrapped his jacket tighter around your shoulders. You smiled back up at him, your eyes creasing from the expression. Your smile had always struck him right to his core; he had missed seeing it every day.

He hoped he could see it every morning and every night from that day onward. There was no way he would let you go this time.

He just had to muster up the courage to grab hold of you first.

“You know what, Binnie, you turned out to be a lot taller than I thought you ever would be,” you said as you took one of the straws from his hands. “You’re actually enormous. It’s shocking.”

“Should I find that offensive? It sounds kinda like an insult.”

“Take it however you will,” You teased, leaning over as he popped the plastic lid off the milkshake. He grabbed the cherry by the stem and held it towards you.

“What are you doing?” You asked, holding out your fist. “We have to rock, paper, scissors for it. Remember?”

Soobin laughed as he shook his head. “I’m giving it to you this time. It’s what I planned to do all those years ago, when I asked you to hang out on Valentine’s.”

You seemed to be taken aback, but you simply shrugged as you plucked the cherry from his hand and pulled it from the stem with your teeth, glancing back over at him. It was silent for a moment, but then your eyes landed on the pocket of his jeans, where you could see a bit of red paper poking out. You leaned over even further, reaching your hand out to snatch the paper.

“What are you—hey! Give that back!”

Soobin desperately tried to take his Valentine back from you, but it was too late. You held both halves of what used to be a whole in your hands, your eyes scanning the words as you pieced them together.

“Soobin . . .”

He held his breath. Had his act of young love left you completely speechless? Were you so touched that you would burst into tears?

“This looks like a middle schooler made it.”

He let out the breath in the form of a long, long sigh.

“That’s because it was made by a middle schooler,” He said as he set the milkshake down beside him. “I made it back in the eighth grade. I planned to give it to you that Valentine’s.”

“Oh.” You ran your finger along the card’s surface, the smallest smile creeping across your lips. “Well in that case, it’s not half bad. Why’s it ripped though?”

“Ah—well, Yeonjun . . .”

You nodded, taking another glance at his swollen nose. “No need to elaborate. It seems you had a lot planned for our Valentine’s Day back then. Is there anything else you wanted to do?”

His mouth went dry at that, and he wished that you couldn’t see his face because he was sure that his expression was quite comical. All the way back then, four years prior, he had in fact planned the perfect, ideal day in his head. Picking you up on his bike, giving you the cherry from his milkshake, and presenting you with his hand made card.

There was only one thing left on his list.

He didn’t move at first, willing himself to have enough courage to even look back in your direction. But when he finally did allow his eyes to meet yours, he felt his shoulders relax and his heart rate became more manageable.

He took a deep breath, leaned forward, and pressed his lips against your cheek.

He lingered there for only a moment before he pulled back, daring to pry one of his eyes open to take in the look on your face.

The disappointment was palpable—from the way your brows furrowed together and the way you pursed your lips. His stomach dropped, and he scooted the tiniest bit away from you.

“I’m sorry,” He blurt out, his face growing warmer by the second. “I shouldn’t have done that, I just—”

“Is that all?”

Your question stopped him mid-ramble, his eyes growing wide. “Huh?”

“Is that all?” You repeated, closing the distance between you that he had created. “It’s Valentine’s Day, Soobin. I think we can do better than a peck on the cheek.”

The implications of what you were saying didn’t register with him right away, but when it finally did, he could have sworn his heart began to beat loud enough for the entire town to hear. His hand curled into a fist as he gripped the denim of his jeans. He leaned forward, keeping his eyes open just enough to watch you as he brought his lips closer to yours. He could feel your eyes on him all the while, causing his heart to pound fiercer still within him.

When he was just a breath away, he whispered, “Can you close your eyes?”

“Hm?”

He lifted his hand, gently placing it over your eyes. He leaned closer then, filling the space between you both as his lips met yours. You tasted vaguely of cherry and strawberry slice soda, and he found it quite nice the way his lips seemed to fit perfectly against your own. As the seconds drew on, your hands slipped around his neck, pulling him closer. He slowly let his hand fall from your eyes, tracing lines with the tips of his fingers down your cheek before he cradled your jaw, letting his lips part just enough to taste the sweet sugar on your lips once more.

He thought in a haze that it was a good thing he didn’t drink anything at the party, as kissing you was proving to be intoxicating enough on its own.

When you finally pulled away, leaving your forehead resting against his, he let his eyes flutter open enough to see the euphoric smile that adorned your features. He grinned as well, gently running his thumb against your cheek.

“I think that back then, I had planned to ask you this before kissing you,” He whispered, “But Y/N, will you be my Valentine?”

Instead of a spoken answer, you laughed, leaning forward to capture his lips with yours once again, and that was the only answer Choi Soobin would ever need.

-

WHEN SOOBIN ARRIVED HOME THAT NIGHT, HE WENT STRAIGHT FOR THE TELEPHONE.

It was kept upstairs at night right outside his parent’s door, to keep himself and his brother from using it in the late hours. Of course, this never stopped Soobin from sneaking it downstairs to his room in the basement to make late night calls to Felix.

And that particular evening, he really needed to give Felix an update.

He grabbed the phone from the small table in the hallway, carefully tiptoeing towards the basement stairs. Before he had even taken the first step down, the bathroom door creaked open. Soobin whipped his head around to see his brother Kai standing there, rubbing the sleep from his eyes as he raised a brow at his older brother.

Soobin froze, blinking slowly as he realized the incriminating situation he found himself in.

“Please don’t tell mom,” He whispered, his eyes pleading with his younger brother.

Kai nodded, although Soobin wasn’t quite convinced that the boy was even coherent enough to understand what was going on. Soobin offered a rushed thank you, and ventured his first step down the stairs.

Well, he tried, anyways, and ended up missing the first step. He tumbled down the rest of the stairs, landing on his butt at the very end.

He winced in pain, glad to see that the phone was still intact in his hands. He glanced over his shoulders to see Kai staring down the stairway with wide eyes, his lips parted in shock. Soobin quickly put a finger to his lips, begging his brother for silence.

Kai simply shook his head and walked away, allowing Soobin the freedom to breathe out a sigh of relief.

He quickly ran to his bedroom and shut the door, collapsing onto his bed with the phone as his breaths came in ragged gasps as an aftereffect from his tumble down the stairs. He figured he should have dialed Felix’s number right away, but he couldn’t help but brush his fingers against his lips, remembering the feeling and taste of having yours pressed against them.

He was so caught up in his daze that he didn’t notice Felix calling until the third ring.

He picked it up, breathing heavily into the speaker as he rubbed a sore spot on his lower back. 

“Please tell me that panting is from running a marathon, and not what I think you’ve successfully tried.”

Soobin nearly gagged, holding the phone away from his face as he coughed, flustered by his friend's crude words. He brought the phone back to his face and said, “No, you sicko, I just fell down the stairs.”

“How the hell did you manage that with those long legs?”

“That’s not important, Lix!” He laid back onto his pillows then, twirling the phone cord in his hands as he stared up at his ceiling, the memories of his adventure with you that night flooding his mind once more. He couldn’t help but smile from ear to ear as he said, “Look, I need to tell you something important.”

If he didn’t know any better, he would have thought that he could hear the smile in Felix’s voice too as his friend replied.

“Well buddy, I got something to tell you too.”

[zwowow]

ask??? aight, 2 on the angst dialogue thingy but its em who’s saying it, buttttt kells replies with 19

up for the challenge??

2.  “It’s my fault, I didn’t listen to everyone saying this would be a mistake!”

19.  “Stop! Just stop it!”

Always up for a challenge, bebs! ;)

"Are you even gonna ask me what happened?" Colson towers over Em, but he feels so small. He wants Em to listen to him, needs Em to hear him, but Em thinks he's seen enough. But what he saw wasn't the truth, only a tiny portion of what really happened.

"Do I even want to fucking know?" Em's voice is pure ice, but his eyes are on fire. He's sitting in his recliner in the living room like a mad king on a throne. Colson dreads the moment when Em tells him to get the fuck out, enforcing the exile of a once loyal companion.

Swallow his pride and the lump in his throat, Colson falls to his knees in front of Em, "Please, listen to me." Begging is unlike him and it shows on Em's face, the impassivity breaks for one moment of shock, then slips easily back into place.

He looks at his boyfriend kneeling in front of him, exposed, and nods his head.

Colson starts his story, makes his case for what he'd done, and how it led to what he didn't do, but is being accused of. He wasn't right in everything he did, but Em has him all wrong.

"I wasn't drunk, but you know that feeling when you're around people that are, and everybody is having a good time so you feel good too? It was kind of like that." Em looks bored, but Colson persists. If he's ever going to understand, Em has to know the ecstasy he was feeling. That no thoughts, only fucking vibes type shit.

"I didn't really think about it when she started coming up on me. It's a fuckin club and I'm supposed to be actin single, right, why wouldn't I be on that?" Em makes a noncommittal noise in the back of his throat when Colson says the word single, but doesn't challenge him. Those were the rules they set up, the boundaries they had to keep in place so that only their close friends and family knew about them. Em knows this, and as much as they both hate it, acting like they are still single is a huge part of keeping them on lock.

Colson's knees start to hurt as he continues telling Em about the night, how this girl kept close to him, how she didn't let him out of her sight or grasp, how she held him possessively but didn't quite make a bold move. The looks of disgust on Em's face makes his own heat with shame. He ignores the pain in his knees and keeps going. It becomes a self imposed punishment. Especially because he can't say out loud how much he enjoyed having someone, anyone, on his arm, even if he wished it was Em. Em must pick up on the words unsaid because when Colson goes to grasp Em's knee for support, he jerks it away. He rests it back on his thigh instead.

"So at the end of the night, we're all tryna go home and this girl still won't leave me alone, and I felt kind of bad she'd wasted her night on someone who didn't want her, so I offer her a ride home. Em, believe me, I wasn't planning on doing anything." He wasn't, he'd swear on his life and everything he has, but Em finally snaps, unconvinced and unwilling to hear the rest because he knows where it's going. At least he thinks he does.

"I don't want to fucking hear this." He says as he stands up from the couch, almost knocking Kells down. Kells scrambles off his knees to follow Em where he's stalking into the kitchen. His guilt turns to shame and his shame turns to anger.

"I'm trying to tell you that nothing fucking happened! All fucking night nothing happened and those pictures that you saw, they're not what really went down!" He yells at Em's turned back. Tears prickle his eye but he doesn't shed them.

"So you weren't kissing her? Those fucking pictures are photoshopped? Must have been a pretty good fucking job then." Em whirls on him.

"I'm sorry!" Colson cries, it's not a denial, though. He can't deny that the pictures are real, only that they misconstrue the situation.

"No, you know what, don't apologize. It's my fault, I didn't listen to everyone saying this would be a mistake!" Colsons stomach drops to the floor and his heart races to meet it there. Em just keeps going. "I should have fucking known you'd do something like this. I guess that's my type though, right? Sluts. Fucking girls or dudes doesn't fucking matter, just always gotta have somebody that's gonna fuck me over, huh?"

"Stop! Just stop it!" The tears Colson had been trying hard not to let go fall freely now.

"Why should I? It's true, isn't it? You fucking cheated, didn't you?"

"I drove her home! That's it. She tried to kiss me in the car, that's where those pictures came from, but I stopped it. I told her I was seeing someone and that I really was just gonna give her a ride home. That's it. Why wouldn't you just let me fucking explain that?" Em's rage is oppressive. It fills up all the empty space in the room, takes root in your lungs and coats them in black fucking tar the more you're around it. But Colson, his rage, his anger at not being heard, of being misunderstood and demonized in a situation where he didn't do much wrong, is a rock sailing through the window, letting the air in.

When he's finished telling Em off, they can both breathe.

"You still let her kiss you." Em reminds him, but his voice is softer now, his cold voice now a melted puddle.

"I'm sorry." He did, he stopped it after only a moment, but it was long enough for their to be pictures, long enough for Em to see, long enough to break his heart, and for that he's sorry.

"I'm sorry too. I just get so... you know after what happened with Kim, cheating shit just makes me go crazy. I saw those pictures and I fucking lost it... but that wasn't okay. I should've listened. I'm sorry."

When they embrace it feels like it's been a lifetime of fight, though it's been less than a day. Colson realizes, while breathing Em in and trying to get over all the pain they'd caused each other, that it all could've been avoided if they were just out. Though he supposes, that's a fight for another day, right now, he just wants to hold Em and be held back.

[jawnjendes]

don’t want your hand this time | shawn mendes

chapter 1/?, university au, shawn x goth oc

AN: i know i know i posted a thing yesterday but UUUHHHHH im just tryna get to the saucy parts of this bc SOMEBODY decided to be all hot n sexy in a certain music video ANYWAY this is just an intro chapter of sorts and we are introducing some new characters!! lmk your thoughts thots!

***let me know if u wanna be added/removed from the taglist

masterlist | playlist coming soon

When Annalise Flores has shit to do within a time limit, she forgets about everything else. Her phone goes on silent, she ignores her other obligations, and she makes sure to get whatever is in her focus done. This has proven to be disastrous in the past, like when Annalise just needed to clean the entire dorm before starting any homework assignment was due the next day. Or when she reorganized the filing closet at the dealership before adding up the gas receipts she was ordered to do. You get the idea.

Annalise was very determined to get all of her unopened boxes, and her clothes to fit in her tiny, beat up car so she didn't have to make multiple trips, given how far campus is from Shawn's apartment. He promised he would help her move when he got home, he had that huge Jeep after all, but Annalise was way too antsy. Besides, they already fought about this, and she didn't want to start anything all over again. She didn't want him to feel obligated to help if only one of them was into the idea of her moving out.

After pushing on the car door three times, it finally clicked shut. Annalise successfully managed to stuff all of her clothes and half her boxes into the backseat. The rest of the boxes were in the trunk. The windows were all covered, so maybe she wouldn't be able to see her blind spots, but at least Annalise wouldn't have to make a second trip. She silently thanked the Tetris gods for blessing her with the appropriate skills as she went back up to the apartment.

Shawn's living space didn't look that different with all of Annalise's belongings out. Most of it was all stashed into the "recording" room over the summer, and neither of them spent any time in there. There was more space in the closet now, too. It was no longer just a black abyss, and all of Shawn's belongings were now undisturbed. Annalise debated smuggling out his black Nike hoodie, but given the circumstances it was best to leave everything as it was. The apartment didn't look any different really, but Annalise still felt an ache from her throat down to the bottom of her feet as she removed the spare key from her chain and left it on the glass dining table. This was easier than saying goodbye to him in person.

~

Campus was nowhere near as quiet and lonely as the apartment. Students were running around like headless chickens, trying to locate buildings, schedules, and friends. She already had a key to her dorm, so she parked near her building and carried her backpack and two boxes up the walkway. Annalise's resting bitch face and the clunk of her boots on the ground gave her less of a struggle to push past other students. Weak and fragile as she was these last couple of months, she's still got it.

The dorm building wasn't too far from the last one she lived in, but it was going to be a bitch getting to her classes. Maybe she should invest in a bike… or she should get her shit together and take the bus.

Annalise's new dorm was on the third floor, and it was furnished. Weird, yes, but she was not going to complain. It was a bit smaller, but not cramped. There was a tiny hallway between the two bedrooms, and one cramped bathroom. She noticed one room already had boxes sitting on the floor, and she couldn't help but get just a little excited. Stella hadn't completely abandoned her. Annalise wasn't even mad about their three month long silence, she was just happy that she would be seeing a familiar face.

She didn't run into Stella at all during the multiple trips she took bringing all her stuff in. Annalise knew she was here, though. Her perfume scent was always left behind in any room she had been in, and Annalise definitely caught the scent in the dorm. The same amount of boxes were still in her room by the time Annalise finished bringing all of her's in. She figured she could have texted Stella, but she kind of wanted to surprise her… even though they both knew about the other.

She checked her phone anyway. The only text she had was from Shawn.

"How come you didn't wait for me?"

Pursing her lips and smudging the signature black lipstick, Annalise cleared the notification and went to sit in the armchair in the living room. She was way too tired to try to reason with him. She certainly couldn’t jump into the "I miss you" crap so quickly either. She didn't want to, but Shawn obviously did when he sent another text. Out of sheer habit, Annalise opened the notification instead of clearing it, and she cursed under her breath.

"You've been gone only a few hours and this place already feels so sad and empty. Why did you leave your key?"

Yeah, she left him on read. She didn't know what else to say to him.

Thankfully, the lock on the door jiggled and in came Stella carrying a large cardboard box. She gasped and her hazel eyes lit up when she saw her dark natured roommate. She quickly squatted down and set the box on the floor before coming at Annalise with open arms.

"Mi esposa hermosa!"

Annalise will never say this out loud, but Stella gives wonderful hugs. They two girls haven't seen each other in over three months, so getting a nice tight hug was something that was really needed. They rocked from side to side, giggling at the motions. It was like nothing had really changed.

"When did I become your wife?" Annalise asked, amused as she leaned back to look at her.

"When we decided to live together for the third year in a row!" Stella replied. “Oh you got a little…” Her thumb rubbed under Annalise’s lip, showing her the black.

“The struggles of being goth,” she joked.

Stella giggled, and then the rambling began. "How are you? I'm so sorry we didn't talk much over the summer. Did you stay with Shawn the whole summer? Oh, is he here?" She bounced on her feet, looking around the dorm.

"Uh yeah, I did stay with him the entire time," she told her. "And no, he's not here. He's working."

Annalise knew he wasn't. He had found her abandoned key, which meant he was home. And he was probably sulking. And he was going to sleep alone...

"But he'll be here later, right?" Stella asked, nudging her arm. "Y'all are gonna christen your room, eh?"

She really had to ask, didn't she? She really had to jokingly ask a question that would change the expression on Annalise's face, thus warning her of the things that had happened. She wasn't sure why she kept an obviously fake smile on her face as she silently stared at her roommate. The silence alone wasn't enough, apparently.

Normally, Stella would dramatically gasp, sit her down, and ask Annalise to spill every detail. Instead, she sighed.

"Fill me in while you help me bring my stuff up."

~

Classes and club meetings resumed within the next couple of days, so it gave Annalise plenty of excuses to keep her texts to Shawn dismissive and short. She knew he was coming and going from campus for class too, but due to their different majors, he was going to be very far away from her. Not to mention, he didn't know where her new dorm was located, so it wasn't like he could track her down.

Except… Annalise had to retake biology. She knew Shawn was at the science building quite often, and she had hoped her bio lab fell on a day that he was at the fine arts building. But you know, life just happens, and sometimes you see your mans between classes. Sometimes you just see him leaving classroom, towering over the other students because he’s a giant. Maybe you’ll see him with a very short girl at his side, and they’re both laughing at something. Maybe he won’t see you either because he’s balls deep in banter with this random girl.

There was a lump in Annalise’s stomach following that minor event, and it made her anxious and uneasy for the first day of that class. Still, she was determined to stay on board with the separation they both agreed on. It was better that way for now. She didn't know about Shawn, but Annalise fully intended on keeping the distance, suspicious-looking friends be damned.

Anyway, she could find friends of her own too. Gaming club meetings started up again that Friday, and it was something to look forward to. After god knows how long, Annalise attended said meeting after receiving an email from the head of the club, Josh. He and his friend, Paul, ran the club most of the time. They managed to get plenty of people to sign up during the rush earlier in the week but only seven of them actually attended the first meeting. Just like every year.

Both Josh and Paul were scrawny blond boys with "nice guy" complexes. They were polite for the most part, given that they inducted Annalise into the club the moment she signed up. But they also quizzed her on just about every popular, mainstream video game there was once they realized she would actually be showing up to the meetings. It took time, and a bit of Annalise telling them off, but they were civil towards each other now.

"Annalise!" called Chad as the lady herself entered the classroom in the communications building. He was another member, and he had his two frat bros with him, Kyle and Jared, and they both chanted her name in their deep, manly voices.

All different heights, but same amount of insane muscle. For lack of better words, these guys were meatheads with good intentions. Chad was a student with one of the highest GPA on campus, practically competing with Josh. Kyle was the star student in his major, sports medicine. Jared was that guy who beat up bigots as a hobby. All three of them were fully dedicated to their fraternity, Sigma Chi.

Then there was Patrick, who nodded to Annalise as a greeting. She nodded back and took the empty seat next to him in the circle.

The people who think Annalise Flores is a complete hardcore goth have not met Patrick Markowski. This was a guy who was always decked out in leather, ripped jeans, and black eyeliner. He had a proper faux hawk, which is what made people notice him the most. He typically surrounded himself with other goths, unlike Annalise. He was truly dedicated to the lifestyle, while she deviated from even that sometimes. This was the only guy in the club Annalise was actually friends with.

Anyway, all seven of these nerds shared the same appreciation for video games, which brought them all together in a circle, in an empty classroom, in the communications building this evening. However, Annalise's entrance caused the guys to deviate from the main topic.

Josh and Paul had been staring at her with their mouths open the second she entered the room. The Frats were visibly excited and each gave her a high five. Patrick merely stayed quiet and smiled.

"Heard you almost fucking died!" Chad told her. "And you didn't tell a single one of us!"

"I thought you had actually died," Josh spoke up. "Since you never miss a meeting and all."

So that got around. Cool.

“I wasn’t dying,” Annalise said, rolling her eyes. “I just had part of my colon surgically removed.”

“No way…” Jared said in wonder.

“Oh, that’s disgusting,” said Paul with a gag. He brought the collar of his red Pizza Planet shirt over his mouth.

The Frats stared at Annalise in awe, almost impressed by her vague explanation. She really didn’t understand the fascination, given everything that happened during and after the hospital. Of course, they knew nothing about any of that. At the same time, Annalise was annoyed at Paul’s dramatic reaction, so she kept talking.

“It might happen to you too if you don’t take care of yourself and listen to your body,” she told him. “Or worse, you could end up with a bag of your poop attached to your belly.”

Paul gagged again, much louder this time. Then Annalise decided that that was enough and directed the conversation to the club’s main topic: video games.

“So who’s played Team Sonic Racing?”

It was only the first meeting, so the group made a plan to bring their Switches and play next time. The Nice Guys prompted to play a round of Fortnite online later, but Annalise was not up for that game in the slightest. Too mainstream. Too chaotic. She never could get into it.

“Well, we can play without you,” Paul suggested, “not everyone has to join in.”

“Isn’t that a rule, though?” Patrick asked pointedly. “If we’re gonna play something together, we all have to agree on one game. Besides, I don’t play Fortnite either.”

Paul's eyes darted around, trying to look for a counterargument, but he sighed. “Fine. Anyone else got any suggestions?”

“What about a D&D campaign?” Annalise said. “Or some type of board game?”

Josh scoffed. “It’s video game club. Besides, me and Paul already have a campaign with our other friends.”

“‘Course you do,” she mumbled, folding her arms.

“Ooo! I got an idea!” Kyle spoke up, raising his massive hand. “We should hit up Bart. That bar with the art and retro games?”

Annalise perked up. Finally, someone with a brain cell. “I participated in a Smash Bros tournament there. It’s really fun, we should all go one weekend.”

“A bar?” Josh said in distaste.

“Yeah! It’ll be a class field trip or something!” Chad agreed. “It’s awesome, bro! They got a Gamecube and an N64! Sometimes they do karaoke night, but only with songs from different games!”

Then, Kyle looked at Annalise with a smirk. “Bet your boyfriend would perform there, eh?”

Even when she was far away from him, Shawn still had a presence wherever she went. “Heh, maybe…”

Luckily, none of these guys were the type to hover. The subject went back to going to Bart one weekend, and then the group chat was revived to discuss further adventures. Once the meeting was adjourned, Patrick followed me out the door.

“So, Annie. No offense or anything,” he said, walking in step beside her as they walked down the corridor, “but what the fuck is wrong with you?”

“My summer was great, thanks,” Annalise said, too busy glancing at her phone to cringe at that awful nickname. No new messages for once.

“Nah, seriously. You were in the fucking hospital, and I find out through Snapchat?” he asked seriously. “Did you even tell anybody? What the hell happened?”

She didn’t remember posting anything about her hospital stay anywhere on social media. However, the only two people who were there with her were social media freaks. Stella was the type to tweet every single one of her brain farts, and frequently Snap where she was every second. Shawn was less active on his platforms, but he was still quite popular in the Toronto area, so he had a sizeable following. Annalise knew he took a picture of his hand holding hers while she was in the hospital at least once. Maybe it made it to his Instagram story a couple of times.

Sighing, Annalise gave Patrick the gist of her exciting adventure with her large intestine. Some underlying guilt wanted to be felt as she recalled staying and Shawn’s for so long, but she decided to spare those details.

“Looked death in the face, eh?” he said, nodding in what looked like approval. “Badass.”

She chuckled. “Guess I wasn’t ready to be yeeted off this mortal coil.”

“Ugh, you use the word yeet? How much has that guy changed you?” Patrick stuck his tongue out at her, flashing the piercing he had on the muscle.

“Hey, I’m more down with the kids than he is.”

The pair were quiet as they made it out to the courtyard. The night was chilly and cloudy, the only light coming from the lampposts on either side of the walkway. It felt different knowing Annalise was with only a friend rather than her mans, and she tried to ignore the ache in her chest and the urge to talk about him.

“Do you remember what it was like?” Patrick asked after a minute. “Being so close to death?”

“Nope,” she replied simply. “Although, when I was under, I had a really vivid dream that my… uh, Shawn cheated on me.” Way to not talk about him.

“You sure it was a dream?”

They were passing by one of the picnic tables, where Patrick pointed to. There was a group of people standing around the table, and two people sitting on top of it. One of those people was Shawn with his acoustic guitar. He was singing with the girl who was sitting next to him, the same one he was walking with at the science building. It wouldn’t have seemed weird if Patrick hadn’t said what he said. It would have been left alone if Annalise hadn’t thought about that stupid fever dream.

“Come on,” she said to Patrick as she stalked off towards the group.

“I was joking!” he said with a laugh.

Still, Annalise walked with a purpose and he followed her. She clutched the strap of her shoulder bag and kept her chin up as she made herself apart of the tiny audience. It was quite the sight, two nerds decked out in all black and heavy eyeliner amongst a group of normals watching two other normals sing a pop song. No lie, Annalise just wanted to get a look at this girl she had never seen before.

Olive skin. Black, curly hair. Very short next to her guy. Very pretty voice coming out of very pretty lips. She looked at Shawn and he looked back at her as they sang an eerily familiar song. Musically speaking, they seemed good together.

“I’ll leave you with the memory, and the aftertaste…”

The tiny audience clapped. Patrick was nodding in pleasant surprise, probably having never heard Shawn’s songs before. Annalise applauded as well, but she couldn’t help the narrowing of her eyes as she watched Shawn and this girl high five each other.

They were both comfortable with all the attention, it was easy to see. Shawn was beaming in a way that hadn’t been seen in a long time, and then he laid eyes on Annalise. He still had that smile on his face, even though it faltered a little bit. She kept her face neutral and quirked her eyebrows at him as a silent greeting.

“Should I leave you guys alone?” asked Patrick as he and Annalise watched Shawn get down from the table top.

“No,” she replied simply.

She almost regretted having him stay. He had to witness Shawn and Annalise attempt to figure out how to greet each other. A side hug would have been awkward for reasons not only having to do with the guitar strapped to his shoulder. She definitely couldn’t kiss him, because that would have started something she had been trying to distance herself from. They finally settled for a mildly uncomfortable handshake, and Shawn kept holding her hand as he spoke.

It had been almost a week since Ann moved out, and she only sent him one text in that time span. It was the black heart emoji. Better than nothing, but not better than seeing her in person.

“You haven’t answered my texts,” Shawn told her. If she was going to decide when she'll give him attention, then he wasn't going to beat around the bush when he saw her.

“I’ve been busy,” Ann replied, feebly attempting to shake her hand away.

Shawn nodded, but he wasn't thoroughly convinced. Between work and school, Ann was a hermit. Or so he thought, given that she now had this new goth dude at her side. “So, who’s your friend?”

“Who’s yours?” she quickly said back.

“I’m Patrick!” said Patrick, holding out his hand. “Annie and I go way back!”

Shawn let go of her hand to shake his. “Nice to meet you, brother. Wait… Annie?” He chuckled.

Her cheeks heated up, and she decided to move her eyes somewhere else, specifically on Shawn’s unnamed singing partner. She was chatting with some of the other people still around the table. Annalise noticed she talked with her hands a lot.

“She lets me call her that even though she hates it,” Patrick said, snapping her back into the moment. “Right, Annie?”

“Do not,” she warned. Then she looked at Shawn. “So who’s the chick you’re singing with?”

Shawn took in an almost reluctant deep breath as he turned and called the girl over. If there was anything he had yet to discover, it had to be if his girl was the jealous type.

Annalise's dark brown eyes narrowed once again while he wasn’t looking. Call it anxiety or paranoia, but she was oddly suspicious. Patrick caught the glare though, and he nudged her arm to snap her out of it.

“Ann, Patrick, this is Alessia,” Shawn said when the very short girl joined them. “She’s a first year. Alessia, this is my…” He elongated the vowel. “Annalise. And her friend Patrick.”

Okay, so… a sinking feeling in the tummy. That’s what that felt like. Couldn’t be mad, though. Annalise wasn’t so quick to use the boyfriend word these days.

“You’re Annalise!” Alessia said in pleasant surprise. She did not hesitate to hug her, arms going around her shoulders and practically pulling her down to her level. “It’s so nice to meet you! I’ve heard so much about you!”

Honestly, Annalise was just glad she didn’t call her the goth girlfriend. Or the goth anything, for that matter. She didn’t hug Patrick, though, but he didn’t seem to mind.

“So, how did you two meet?” Annalise prompted. So maybe she was a little more than curious to know how and when Shawn found the time to get another girl at his side.

“I could ask you the same thing,” Shawn replied a little too quickly.

His eyes bored into hers, throwing them into a staredown. He broke through the fake, polite smile Ann had on. Of course he broke it. He was the only one who could. However, Shawn couldn't read the expression she had on. He couldn't tell if she was upset or not, happy or not… He couldn't tell if she wanted to change her mind about this separation or not… Ten months together and Ann was still a mystery.

“Uh, Shawn and I have like, every class together,” Alessia said slowly, looking between the couple, noticing the sudden change in atmosphere. She scratched the back of her head.

“Annie and I have been in the same club for two years,” Patrick added in the same tone. He too noticed the tension.

“Oh, which club? There’s some I’ve been checking out…”

Those two kept up the conversation. Shawn’s gaze on Annalise made her throat close up. He wasn’t smiling or feigning politeness anymore. His jaw was clenched and his eyes were hard and glossed over. Inexplicable guilt began to form in her chest yet again. She knew he didn’t understand.

_______

taglist: @normalcyisoverrated-beyou @ilsolee @mendesromano @1-800-khalid-mendussy @kitykatnumber @strangerliaa @iloveshawnieboi @poppyshawn @shawnsunflower @shawnvvmendes @yourdelightfullyleft @shawmndes @havethetimeeofyourlifee @calyumthomas

[screensirenfic]

Black Leather - Chapter 6

(x-3)x(y+15)=q-(x+21) and I really couldn’t give a fuck about what x equals right now. I’d been sitting at this same desk for an hour now; Steve and Nancy either side as they rewrote his application; whilst I tried to help alongside desperately attempting not to fail another algebra test.

Nance clearly had something on her mind, as her and Steve weren’t making googly eyes at each other half as much as they usually do. Trouble in paradise, perhaps? Must be nice. Meanwhile I couldn’t get a very different brand of trouble out of my head, no matter how much I tried to avoid him.

Billy Hargrove. A name that before this week, would’ve meant nothing to me, had gradually become the scourge of my very existence. As if his introduction wasn’t problematic enough; he insisted on making me feel like I was a zebra in a lion’s pen at all times.

He didn’t even have to speak for him to become an unbearable nuisance. Just his very presence in the hallway was enough to sour my mood. All the time; I’d feel his eyes on me, whether I was walking in the hallway, or sitting down for lunch. He could be speaking with Tommy H, or even flirting with another girl, but still; his eyes would remain fixated on me.

The highlight of my day had to be Mrs McKinley’s English class, where normally Robin Buckley sits behind me, but today Robin was sick, so guess who had the privilege? Billy Hargrove; and I didn’t even have Steve to swap seats with; stupid fucking college application!

So Billy strolls into class ten minutes late like he bought the place, then decides to squeeze his way past my desk, giving me a not so subtle view of his crotch whilst he smirks the whole time. Then, as if he’s not been enough of an ass; he seats himself right behind me.

But I ignore him, trying to keep my eyes on the board whilst I’m intensely aware of his on the back of my neck.

However; Billy couldn’t even let me suffer in silence. Instead he leans forward until I can feel his breath on my neck, and asks me “Can I borrow a pencil?” In a voice that is husky enough that it sent a shiver down my spine; much to my humiliation.

So I turned around and said “No; you can’t borrow a pencil” and just when I’m about to tell him exactly where he can stick that proverbial pencil, Mrs McKinley notices and asks if anything is wrong.

I was about to assure her that everything was fine and she could go back to teaching her class and I could go back to silently rueing the day Billy’s parents decided to have sex, when of course Mullethead himself had to say something.

“I was just asking if I could borrow a pencil.” He remarked; with a smile so sweet, I wanted to slap it into next week.

“Well, Miss Hopper; if you could be so kind...” Mrs McKinley prompted, and despite her polite tone, I knew she had a penchant for handing out detention slips, so I did as she asked.

As I bluntly refused to make any kind of physical contact with the sleaze-ball, I pulled out another pencil from my case and left it on my table well within his reach. But even then; he had to go the extra mile to make me uncomfortable.

He got up from his seat and leaned right over me, till I was practically caged by his body, encased in the scent of Marlboro cigarettes and cologne. He slid his hand forward till it met mine, totally ignoring the pencil I’d gotten out for him, in favour of sliding the one out of my hand; dexterous fingers making as much contact with my own as possible.

He then had the cheek to whisper in my ear “Thank you, sweetheart” as if any of this had been voluntary, as if he wasn’t a total creeper.

But I thanked God above that he was done as I settled back into my work, throwing myself into the life’s work of Dante and wondering which circle of hell Billy would be burning in, when I felt something rub up my leg.

And of course I moved it, thinking maybe the school had rats again and not planning to check any time soon, when it happened again, but this time; a deep chuckle accompanied it. I dared a look behind me at the unsuitably smug asshole as he shot me a wink and a kiss as if this was so amusing to him.

So the next time he did it, I kicked him; hard. But he was too fast, so before my motorcycle boot could make contact, his leg was gone; along with my patience.

But what could I do? If I made a scene; Mrs McKinley was sure to write me up for detention, so I had no choice but to suffer in silence as Billy Hargrove continued to attempt to play footsie throughout the rest of English class.

———————————

Now with not one, but two classes to catch up on, I couldn’t get that smug son of a bitch out of my head. I needed to get out of here, or else I’d scream. I got up from my seat, grabbing my backpack off an empty chair.

“Lo; are you...” began Steve; concern clear on his face. I continued to grab my jacket, pulling out my pack of smokes.

“Yeah. Just need a smoke.” I mumbled, and flew out of there before he could start insisting otherwise.

The last thing I needed was a well meaning Steve. He was enough of a hothead without the poking of a known jackass like Billy. Plus; if Jonathan could give Steve a black eye, Billy could pulverise him completely, and that was something I really didn’t need to see.

Instead I cruised through the hallways of Hawkins High, shoving on my leather jacket as I continued on my mission for nicotine and distraction. The front doors were just ahead, which meant I was seconds away from fresh air and heavy smoke.

I’d been right about the fresh air, but the heavy smoke seemed to have other ideas as I struggled to light the Marlboro hanging from my mouth. Of course; today would be the damn day I ran out of lighter fluid; as if it couldn’t get any worse...

“Need a light?” Quirked a silky smooth Californian accent, and I had to resist rolling my eyes, because of course; God had a sense of humour.

Still, I turned to him, pulling the smoke from my mouth so I could properly give him a verbal assault on his jackassery this week.

“Jesus; don’t you have anything better to do with your time?” I groaned, and apparently he didn’t. Standing there with a flickering lighter in hand, an unlit smoke hanging from smirking lips; he made a pretty picture, but one I was definitely not buying.

“Just tryna’ help out” He purred, but the friendly neighbour routine really wasn’t working on me. I gave him a look that should’ve said “really; asshole?”

But he took it as a challenge, raising a perfectly arched eyebrow as he flicked the lighter on again.

However annoying Billy Hargrove was, I was fucking desperate for a smoke and had no intention of scouring the whole school for a lighter and risking getting caught by Mrs McKinley again.

So I sighed and rolled my eyes; making it loud and clear I was doing this under duress, then I stepped forward, putting the unlit smoke back in my mouth.

Billy had never looked so smug as he stepped into my space; an intoxicating musk of leather, cigarette smoke, cheap cologne and something else, which was altogether so Billy; it could make me gag.

He towered over me, making a clear effort to make me feel small as he bent down and lit my cigarette; his blue eyes meeting mine over the flame and for a moment, my stomach did backflips.

I stepped back, really not comfortable with getting caught up in this man’s magnetism, taking a drag from my cigarette. The heady taste of tobacco steadying my quickening pulse as I let out a stream of smoke, turning to watch the sun reflect off of car roofs in the parking lot, rather than risk falling into Billy’s eyes.

“No thank you?” He said, and I raised an eyebrow because I knew the thank you he had in mind contained no words.

“You’re pushing it, Hargrove.” I warned, but he took it all in his stride; a million watt smile stretching as he he just stood and watched me, his own cigarette still hanging unlit and forgotten.

“So is there a reason you followed me out here, or are you just here to continue being an inescapable pest?” I asked, if just to fill the air with noise, rather than cigarette smoke and some sort of weird tension Billy brought wherever he went.

He gave me a smile, and for a moment; it was almost sweet, before saying “I just wanted to know if you were going to Tina’s party tonight?”

And of course, I was. Everyone with even an ounce of social status was going, and even if I didn’t want to; Steve made it pretty damn clear he would have a hissy fit if I wasn’t at his house by seven.

I let out a laugh, because I couldn’t quite believe that I was even attempting having a normal conversation with Billy Hargrove.

“Does it matter?” I asked dryly; he was asking a stupid question, so why should he get a straight answer.

“Well, how else am I supposed to know what you’ll be wearing tonight?” He asked with a smile, and I could almost feel the lion’s jaws closing in around me, but not if I could get there first.

“Why? Worried we’ll match?” I offered him my sharpest grin; raised brow included.

He let out a dark chuckle; the kind that made your stomach clench whether you wanted it to or not, and leaned in close enough that I could feel his breath tickling my neck.

“Need something to get me through afternoon classes” He purred; his hand reaching out to brush at my own; a seemingly innocent gesture that he made drip with sexual intention.

But I wasn’t having it. Billy could pick some other girl to play porn star in his daytime fantasies.

I stepped closer to him; close enough that I could see the freckles the sun had left on his cheeks and the way the corners of his mouth rose at the newfound close proximity. His eyes flickered down to my mouth; his thoughts crystal clear on his face as his teeth bit down on his lips.

Not today; sweetheart.

“In your dreams; asshole.” I growled, cramming as much venom as I could in the words.

And if my words weren’t clear enough; I lifted up my still smouldering cigarette, and pressed it hard against the collar of his denim jacket; certain it would leave a nasty mark.

I dropped the cigarette butt to the floor, but to my great annoyance; his smile didn’t even falter.

He liked it when I bit back!

So I did the only thing I could do in the situation, and stormed off, leaving an unsuitably smug Billy Hargrove staring at my ass for the second time this week.

[bamiiib]

Ethereal | Jung Jaehyun

Masterlist

One | Two | Three | Four | Five | Six

The taste of a new world just sitting on the tip of your tongue. He looks at you with a wanderlust gaze, and instantly you wanted nothing more than to drink that look in, and share it with him. A new life is waiting for you, but new conflict begins to sprout, all with a man who you respected so much, all to come crashing down.

Words: 5.4K

Category: Modern!AU, Angst, Fluff

Song Rec: Turning Page — Sleeping at Last

Warnings: Slight sexual content, Explicit language

A/N: about diddly darn dang time these two had a spicy scene, although i prefer not to write explicit smut, i hope y’all get the idea of whats going on *wink wink* plus i prefer for this “smut scene” to sound more romantic on behalf of Y/N and the emotions she feels through Jaehyun, a lil uwu moment for us all. anyway, sorry for the sudden disappearance man, school has been piling up and i got sick for a week so... i’m a bit behind on that lmao, but i hope you all enjoy this chapter! xoxo bambi (ps. sorry if the spacing seems funky, i’m tryna see something bc of the weird font going on w/ mobile tumblr.)

You drove off into the night; you followed the stars as the moonlit sky illuminated the empty streets. Down to wherever your wanderlust-filled hearts desired, and with his hand that rested in yours, it felt like you could conquer the world.

Nothing could come between the two of you, and for that, you felt at peace.

The windows rolled down, and the music humming against your ears, you rested your elbow against the car door, your chin falling into your palm.

You listened to the music, then the wind.

Everything sounded so perfect.

His voice that’d echo here and then, whispering sweet nothings to you, it felt harmonic.

The car had come to a stop in front of a hill. Jaehyun removed his seatbelt and leaned into you, taking in your lips in his, savoring his sweet taste.

Your hands that held onto his neck, pulling him closer enough for him to lean more than halfway towards you.

He kissed you as if it were the last thing left in the world, pulling you by your waist, tugging you enough as you moved from your seat into his, straddling his lap.

You felt him smile between each kiss. They lingered from your lips, trailing down to your neck, Jaehyun took in every piece of you.

Studying each part of your body.

His fingertips that grazed your skin, skimming over your body like one would to a book.

Each line of a beautiful word in a book filled with passion, pressed in a sweet, chaste kiss.

You moved to the back of the car, the music still playing in the background and the windows rolled back up, yet it all seemed like white noise.

Your clothes scattered on the floor, his skin pressed against yours, his hand that fit perfectly as your fingers intertwined with his. How his body seemed perfectly made to fit with yours.

A missing piece of the puzzle, found.

Each word he whispered in your ear as he rolled delicately into you, sweet like the milk and honey taste that lingered in his lips.

He took you in, touching you, reading you.

Taking everything in down to memory, he wanted nothing more than to recite everything about you.

To memorize each piece of you, till it burned in the back of his mind.

How he longed to read you, over, over, and over.

Jaehyun could never get enough of you, and you to him. Each touch pressed against your body, a new redefining phrase, your lips that whispered his name, how he wanted you to say nothing else except his name.

You were poetry, and Jaehyun wanted nothing more than to recite you with every breath he took, and every beat of his bold heart.

Every ounce of pain you felt in your life, pouring out and exchanged for love with his heart he gave so willingly to you.

You didn’t want to run.

You didn’t want to hide.

You wanted to be here, with him. 

Jaehyun.

That was all you could see, and that was all you ever wanted to remember.

To forget about the pain that turned to numbness, and to forget about everything bad in the world, because with Jaehyun—nothing could be so bad.

All you could see, and all you wanted to remember was this.

Him.

To Jaehyun’s beautiful eyes that’d shine just as bright as the stars above you as he watched your every movement. His smile, bright enough for the sun to envy, especially with those dimples of his.

The sweat that’d trickle down his chest, his body looked as if the moon kissed it itself. The windows of the car steaming up, hiding the two of you away from the world.

You looked at him as if he were this God, and how he’d look at you, as if you were his Goddess. Together, the two of you had ruled the world. A world where the only thing that ever existed were you two.

With the weight lifting away, and in your hands no longer remained a broken heart, but instead one that was all patched up. The scars were there, but as long as he was there, you were more than willing to ignore them.

You felt safe, and you felt secure. Your heart had soared, and with that, you both had stayed there. Lying in the back of the car with nothing more but a thin blanket covering your naked bodies and listened to the sweet music and the winds of the midnight air.

There, until sleep had lulled you into euphoric thoughts and beautiful dreams.

When your eyes opened, the music was off, and the birds had sung their morning tunes. The cicadas echoing loudly past the car windows as nature played its beautiful symphony.

You turned, and your arm had bumped into something. When you looked to see what it was, you were quick to smile, and felt Jaehyun’s arm wrapped around your waist lazily as he snored soundly.

You watched his chest heave up and down, the peace that took over his face, you brought a hand towards him, itching to touch him as you stared.

His skin tinted a gorgeous golden tan by the sunlight, bright enough for you to notice the tiny freckles that scattered his face. You moved your hand away, deciding it best not to touch and to let him sleep.

A hand quickly reached for your wrist before it could even fall. You gasped shortly, looking over at Jaehyun, and watched his eyes flutter open.

How in the light, the dark brown turned honey, you felt star-struck at the sight. Instantly, you wanted to drown in that sweet honey brown color of his eyes.

His thin lips curving to a smile and his dimples popping, Jaehyun pulled you close, resting his chin above your head after placing a short kiss against it.

“Good morning beautiful.” He said, voice husky and groggy from just waking up, and set something to ignite in you.

“Morning.” You whispered back, resting the hand he had let go on his bare chest, tracing short shapes onto it.

“Last night was… fun. First time doing it in a car y’know.” Your face instantly flushed at his words, taking back to what he meant, and that was when you realized the entire situation that unfolded before you.

Quickly, you shot up from where you rested, grabbing the blanket enough to cover yourself up with a sharp gasp breathing through your lips.

You looked around through the windows, relieved to see that the area still seemed just as abandoned as it did last night, and reached out for your phone that rested on the passenger’s seat.

“Shit. Shit, shit shit!” You muttered, raking your fingers through your tangled hair. Jaehyun furrowed his brows as he sat upright next to you, his lips pressed against your bare back and pressed tiny kisses onto it.

“What’s wrong?” He asked, but still found himself lost in the world you two had created, unlike you, who forced yourself back into reality, rather than the dream you deeply wished to still be in.

“It’s about to be 2, I-I gotta get home Jaehyun!” You explained, eyes wide and reached for your clothes that scattered in the backseat floor.

You listened to Jaehyun groan as you slipped into your undergarments, with him reaching for the straps of your bra and sliding them back down, kissing your back like he was earlier.

“I woke up just now though… five more minutes?” You turned around to face him, and he stared directly at you. You scoffed as you were met with those damn eyes of his, and that damn expression.

You shook your head and put on your shirt and climbed towards the passenger’s seat. “Don’t give me those fucking puppy dog eyes, I won’t fall for it!” You shouted stubbornly, but shrieked as a pair of hands snaked around your waist, pulling you back towards the back as he peppered you in kisses.

You couldn’t help the fit of laughter you fell in as you attempted to push Jaehyun away. He remained stubborn, and it was when he reached your lips, went from playful to passionate in a matter of seconds.

You melted into the kiss, at first what started as mischievous that turned lustful, you wrapped your arms around him, running your fingers through his hair.

His kisses traveled from your lips, to your collarbone, and when he found that spot that made you weak, you groaned and pushed him away.

“Come on, don’t do this! It’s not fair!” You whimpered, shaking your head as Jaehyun pressed a short kiss to your lips. “Fine.” He groaned, jutting out his lip, and you smiled gently. 

“You know what…” You mumbled, reaching back for your phone and seeing it was empty of notifications.

Your smile turned to a smirk, when you looked back at a curious Jaehyun, threw your phone to a place you’d worry about later.

“Fuck it, five more minutes won’t kill anyone.” With that, you pushed Jaehyun back down on the seats, and repeated last nights’ events.

The drive back was filled in comfortable silence. You and Jaehyun would sing along to whatever song would come up now and then, and would fall in a fit of laughter whenever someone messed up.

You even surprised him completely when a rap song came up, and you could complete every verse without falter, surprising yourself along the process.

With the sunlight bathing over your bodies, windows rolled back down and the wind rushing through your already-messy hair.

You took a deep breath in, staring at the vacant fields slowly turn to crowded buildings. You turned to face Jaehyun, immersed in driving, one hand resting peacefully onto your thigh.

“So…” You had spoken up, turning down the volume of the booming music. “Hm?” Jaehyun hummed in response. “How did you find that place, anyway?” You asked, looking at him as Jaehyun’s lips curved into a sweet smile.

“When I moved here, I didn’t really ‘fit in’ with most crowds, so I spent most of my time driving to wherever the fuck the wind took me and… I guess I found my way there.” He explained, watching a spark filled with adventure fill his eyes. It had set your adrenaline to pump all over again, wanting to taste that same adventure he ventured to.

“You really seem the reckless type, aren’t you?” You had asked with a smug grin, in which he could only respond with that exact expression.

“You’ll never get bored babe. I can assure you that.” He said just in time of a red light, turning to face you and flashed a quick wink. You scoffed in response, but smiled. “I’m counting on it.”

You got home, pressing a quick kiss to Jaehyun’s lips before parting ways. You entered the eerily quiet home, and everything was there right where you left it.

Your father sprawled on the couch, dozing off in his work uniform, one beer bottle placed on the floor, and snoring a fit.

Relief washed over you, slowly tiptoeing your way towards your room, whispering to yourself repeatedly, “Don’t wake up, don’t wake up, please don’t wake up.”

But not everything could go your way.

“Y/N? Where the hell have you been?! Do you have any idea how worried sick I was?!” Your father shot up from where he lied, shouting your ear off as you heaved a sigh and nodded your head, accepting the scoldings.

When that was done and over with, you had got just a slap on the wrist, walking back to your room, you made your way towards your mattress, and fell into its softness.

You shut your eyes, fingers fumbling with the silky sheets below you, thinking back to everything that happened. How light replaced darkness. A mess that was your heart fixed and tended to, all by one person.

One muse.

You smiled, as the memories flashed through your head. Each touch still lingering even after hours of it happening. You wanted to remember it all.

His lips that’d press against yours, soft and smooth, supple and sweet, you grew addicted from his candied lips.

Pulling him in a gentle embrace, breathing him in, and how he had always smelled like vintage bookstores and warm cafe’s.

His skin that felt so soft as your hands would roam every inch of his body. Jaehyun was perfect in your eyes, and you were perfect in his, no matter how hard you’d try to deny.

Every day spent with him felt like something pulled from a novel. Each page filled with newfound suspense, a new adventure through every chapter, falling deeper in love with him, you never wanted this story to end.

Days turned to weeks, then soon turning to months, each day spent with Jaehyun.

Finally, you were beginning to taste adulthood, no longer bearing the same mind the teenage you had carried, you were more mature. More aware.

Fear no longer drove your decisions, and darkness no longer took control of your heart. Instead, your days had filled with warmth and love, and that love had Jaehyun’s smile written into it.

Your relationship had grown stronger overtime, hanging out more often than what people would consider normal, but you didn’t care. The world wasn’t ever considered to be normal, anyway.

Your father was quick to find out about your relationship with him, and thankfully, he was quick to accept him into the family. Sure it was small, and broken, but Jaehyun didn’t care, and made himself home right away.

Everything filled with light, you remember that wash of relief, to see the shadows no longer chasing after you, begging you to come back into the dark.

Your memories filled with regret, hated, and fear, wiped away with joy, love, and courage.

You had felt anew, and everyone around you had noticed. You didn’t hide in a shell, and a newfound confidence was born into you. You took more risks, all with a wide grin and a contagious laugh.

Everything felt right with the world.

It was nearing midnight, and you were staring up at the blank ceiling, can’t seeming to rid your thoughts enough to sleep. You toss and turn, yet it all seemed pointless, so you reached for your phone and scrolled through your social media.

Curling your lips in a line, you groaned as you sat up, looking around the mess of your room, and an idea had sprout into your head. With a grin, you tossed yourself right out of bed, slipping into a thick coat to keep you warm from the harsh winter night.

Sneaking down the stairs where your father had fallen asleep on the couch—as per usual—you had noticed a piece of paper hanging from his outstretched hand.

Your brows furrowed, and your plans were quick to come at a stop and the sight.

  You walk towards your father, holding in your breath in fear of waking him up, despite knowing all too well what a heavy sleeper he was; you remained cautious.

Tiptoeing closer, you slipped the paper away from his hands, stepping away and stared at the colored sheet.

Your eyes and widened, and your heart had dropped, you read the words etched in thick, bold ink.

“A pink slip…? Dad, you got fired from your job?” You whispered, aware that he couldn’t hear your question, as if it were more to yourself as you stared at him in disbelief.

It left you confused, setting the paper down as you examined your father. He was a hardworking man. He always uses all of his blood, sweat, and tears to make sure he was doing his job.

A part of you didn’t want to believe this, knowing how much of a fighter your dad was. Surely they’d have a good reason for firing him… right?

You shook your head, raking your fingers through your hair and stumbled towards the kitchen to grab a drink of water to ease your troubled mind.

You opened the fridge, groaning at the sudden fluorescent light that had greeted you abruptly, it was when your heart had dropped.

Beer bottles scattered every inch of the fridge, not a single hint of any other liquid—or even food for that matter—found.

College had been piling up on you, most of your meals being spent over at Jaehyun’s, as Taeyong was always more than happy to cook for just the two of them. You hadn’t ever really eaten at home. Never eaten a single meal with your father ever since you graduated high school and entered college.

Your father was always so busy with work anyway, so you never saw him until he’d come home late at night, and fall into the same spot in the same couch like every other night.

You never really had the chance to make sure if your father was eating well or not.

Your chest felt heavy, and rather than sorrow, you had felt anger.

Betrayal.

All this time, you had thought your father was finally breaking out of his habit. That he would finally create a new man in himself, just as you had with your own self.

You remember the joy that spread throughout your heart in seeing your sober father act like the man he used to be before your mother had left.

But now… now it all seemed like it was nothing more but a facade.

A fake.

Acting.

That’s what it was.

Everything was a lie.

Your breath grew shaky, your teeth clenching tightly, you shut the fridge and walked back towards the front door. Taking the car keys in one single swoop from the coffee table, you glared at your father.

All this time, the man who you had respected the most… can barely respect himself.

Without a second thought, you walked right out the door.

Driving in the empty streets, the only sound filling your ears were the engine of your car running as you drove. Your mind still clouded in those thoughts, you parked in front of a familiar apartment complex, staring up at the tall building with a blank, deadpan expression.

You wanted something to numb this pain. To numb everything, and to take you away from the real world.

You watched the numbers rise as you stood in the elevator, shoving your cold hands in the pockets of your coat.

The door opened, and you listened to your heels click louder and louder the closer you got to that certain room. You arrived, and brought a hand up towards the door, yet it remained still.

You didn’t dare knock. Maybe you should turn back, try to forget everything that happened tonight. You were making a mistake, and you shouldn’t bring other people into something so personal to you.

But that feeling remained. That sense of want, filling your aching heart. The sense of need. To have all of this be numbed away, and for you to focus on it for another time.

You knocked on the door, and after a short moment, it swung open, and a half-awake Jaehyun greeted you. “Y/N? What are you doing here…?” He croaked, ruffling his messy hair. Your throat went dry and a bittersweet smile was drawn onto your lips.

“I just… wanted to see you.” The words had escaped your lips as if automatically, but when his eyes searched up and found yours, you were quick to avert his gaze.

You didn’t feel brave enough to look into them, because deep down, if you did, you knew everything would just come spilling out, and tell him everything that happened in such a short amount of time.

“O-Oh, well you should’ve texted me ahead of time babe, I would’ve stayed awake.” Jaehyun said as he smiled sweetly.

You felt guilty and continued to stare down at your shoes. “I-I know. Sorry.” You whispered. Jaehyun shook his head, taking a step towards you and pulled you in a warm embrace.

“Don’t be. I don’t mind unexpected visits if it’s from you.” He said, and as much as your heart wished to flutter, you had choked down on the butterflies that wished to roam.

“It’s cold out here, let’s get inside and I can make us something warm to drink, yeah?” He said, leading you inside as you nodded your head and laughed dryly.

He sat you down on the couch as you stared at the blank TV. The lights flickered on, and you could hear Jaehyun pour water into some mugs, then the sound of the microwave as he sorted through some boxes.

“Jasmine tea like the usual babe?” He asked, peeking his head towards you as you nodded at him. He smiled again and disappeared back into the kitchen.

Now that you think of it, you weren’t really lying when you said you wanted to see him. You’ve both been busy with your studies, you hardly had the time to see each other, but now it was winter break, and you wanted nothing more than to spend it with him.

Guess tonight was just a bad night to start because now—now you wanted to go home and curl up in the comfort of your warm bed.

You didn’t want to put all this pressure onto Jaehyun. It was none of his business to know, and you didn’t want to use him as some kind of toy you can use to distract yourself with. You weren’t like that, and you couldn’t dare allow yourself to use him like that.

“So…” You cleared your throat in attempts to distract your thoughts away from your home life.

“How’re your classes going?” You asked, watching Jaehyun walk towards you with two steaming mugs in hand. “Stressful, but hey, school is school. How about you? How’s business going for you?” He asked as he handed you a cup, in which you took graciously and took a long sip.

“It’s… well it’s okay. I suppose.” You said, your grip on your mug tightening, you stared at your dismorphed reflection through the liquid that sloshed in your cup.

It wasn’t something you were passionate about. Hell, it wasn’t even something you’d ever dream of doing, but you did it, because you believed that it’d help you and your father out from the hellhole place you both live in.

You wanted to create a better life for yourself, but for him especially.

To live happily without having to stress so much about work, just so you guys can continue to live where you live today. To think, all this time you had lived so selflessly, did every single thing for him, yet this is what he chose.

Nothing more but bitter liquor and endless sleep.

In another life maybe, you would’ve chosen something else.

Art.

You had thought back to that painting of Jaehyun from months ago, moments after confessing to him.

How even after months of being with him, he remained your muse. It was your little secret, and for the moment, you had no intentions of telling anyone, but you were happy to have him.

“You suppose? C’mon Y/N, where’s my spunky girl at? Usually you’d have something to say about it!” Jaehyun said as he brushed your shoulder with his. You smiled gently, shaking your head and took another sip before placing your mug down on the coffee table before you.

“How about you? Is the dream of becoming a ‘lawyer’ still there for you?” You asked with a grin, turning your body so that you were facing him.

It was with those words; you watched the smile that plastered Jaehyun’s lips, soon fall. He sighed, but before you could comment, his smile returned, only this time, it seemed more… empty.

Sad, maybe.

“Actually… I’m not sure what I want anymore.” He admitted, and your brows furrowed, scooting closer to him as your leg had rested just slightly on top of his.

  “What do you mean?” You asked cautiously, and with that, Jaehyun had let out a short laugh, one in which you were all too aware, was fake.

“Actually… the entire reason I came here in the first place was to go to college and study just that. I never asked to come here, nor did I ever ask to become a lawyer. It was just something that was forced onto me.” He explained, and you listened with a pained heart.

“Don‘t get me wrong! I’m glad I came here. If I didn’t, then I never would’ve met you! And who knows what kind of person I’d be now if that happened…” You smiled sadly at his words as Jaehyun turned to look at you, then bringing a hand to grasp onto yours, a gentle grip tugging onto your palm.

“If anything… you taught me something.” He started, staring down at your hands as you felt his thumb graze against the back of your hand delicately.

“You taught me to fight. To follow what my heart tells me, no matter how scared I can be. If I listen hard enough, maybe… just maybe—things can go my way.” He said, head tilting up, and he met your eyes that had been watching him carefully all this time.

You smiled faintly, and you hadn’t realized the tears that were threatening to spill until your vision became blurry with tears. Even without telling him a single thing, it was like he knew what you were feeling.

Every emotion that courses through him and pours onto you. It might as well feel like you two were the same person.

Two people, born into unfortunate families, who have to follow unfortunate destinies written out for them. All to please people who probably don’t even deserve it.

You loved your father dearly, but if this was the destiny he had written for himself, you could only do so much before you break in his place.

Even if this was the path you choose, even if you break for him—deep down, you knew he’d break right after.

You’d do anything for your father; to prove your mother wrong with those harsh words she threw at him when you were young, but for once, as you listened to Jaehyun’s words, you wanted to do something for yourself.

“No, Jaehyun… I think you’ve got it all wrong.” You said faintly, listening to Jaehyun’s confused hum as you brought your free hand up to cup his cheek.

“I think it was you who taught me strength.” You said, and tears had streamed down your cheeks. Jaehyun’s eyes widened at the sight, quick to wipe them away before they could dare crash onto the floor below.

He smiled and kissed your forehead delicately.

“I’m dropping out.” You heard him say, and your eyes shot wide open, and backed yourself away from him in surprise. “You’re… what? Why?” You asked in a moment of shock. Jaehyun sighed, nodding his head at your reaction and turned himself around to face the front.

“I don’t want to be my parents’ puppet anymore. I’m an adult now, and I should write out the destiny that I want. I-I know this might sound crazy, but I can do this. We, can do this! Our own little adventure! Run away from all of our troubles! What do you say, Y/N?” Your breath hitched at his words, meeting up his eyes that sparked with that familiar determination and enthusiasm that had been dull for a sparing second.

Every inch of your consciousness would say no. You’d still force yourself into this destiny that you had put yourself in, to better a man who can’t better himself.

You wanted to help your father; you didn’t want him to be alone, but how can you do all of that, when he can’t even help himself?

He knows all that you do for him, begs you to follow your passions. He’s the first light in your life, but now that light was dimming.

Despite him wanting you to follow your dreams, you still think about him. To better him, because if you better him, in a way—you’ll better yourself.

Why was that?

Even when fears get the best of you, you still think about others, rather than yourself. You sighed, and in your mind, apologized to your father, yet thanking him.

He only wants what is best for you, only wants you to be yourself. The only thing holding you back from all of it, is you. You looked at Jaehyun, your smile widening, you nodded.

“Okay. Let’s do it.” With that, he fell in a fit of short giggles and pressed tiny kisses all over your face.

You laughed, attempting to push him away enough to catch your breath, and that was when the reality of it all had hit you.

“W-Wait! So… how are we going to do this? What even is the first step?” You asked, and Jaehyun’s smile was quick to fall, pushing himself away from you and walked in circles, lost in thought.

You watched, head tilted in curiosity as you set your cup aside.

“I… well, I was thinking, actually…” Jaehyun said, and you hummed quietly, nodding your head when his eyes looked to meet up with yours.

“You know, Taeyong and I are best friends and all, but I’ve always wanted to live on my own. Make my own life with no help from the moment I moved to this place, and…” His voice wandered, and you stood up, reaching for Jaehyun’s hands and squeezed them gently in reassurance.

His mouth opened, yet no words came out. Lost in thought, his eyes wandering to everywhere else but you, your lips curled in a line, stubborn and curious.

You reached towards Jaehyun’s face with one hand, turning his face enough so he had no other choice but to look at you.

Jaehyun breathed out a dry, nervous laugh, nodding his head, you found the anxiety that burned deep in those eyes of his.

“I’ve been saving up, and I found this place. I-It’s not the best—in fact it’s quite shitty but—” Jaehyun rambled, but you knew well with what he was leading towards, and a bright grin was plastered onto your lips.

“Babe!” You shouted in attempts to snap him back, in which Jaehyun could only reply with another nervous chuckle.

“I want you to move in with me! A place, for the two of us! That way, we can see each other more without classes—or even life getting in the way! A place… so we can have somewhere to call our own little world, just for the two of us. What do you say?” Your eyes had welled up in tears at the thought.

Never in a million years did you ever even dream of ever moving to a place of your own so early in life, at least, not until you graduated college first, especially moving in with the person who showed you to love, and who showed you to not fear over everything.

You nodded your head once, twice, endlessly, and with a tiny shriek, wrapped your arms around Jaehyun and pulled him in a tight embrace, one in which he reciprocated as he twirled you around on the spot, and kissed your lips sweetly.

“I’m taking that as a yes?” He said, and you choked out a laugh and nodded your head.

“Yes. A million times, yes! Anywhere with you, I’ll be there.” You stated happily and kissed his lips once more.

A new life was being offered to you, and although you had many things to leave behind, this is what you wanted more than the entire world.

A fresh start.

A new you.

A world, in which you can lose yourself with no worries, because in that world, there’s Jaehyun, and that was all you needed to be okay. Not perfect, but just okay, because that was perfect for you. 

“I like having you over and all Y/N, but can you guys keep the screaming to a minimum? It’s 2 in the fucking morning!” Taeyong had abruptly shouted down the hallway, as your eyes widened when you turned to Jaehyun, and quickly, the two of you had fallen in a fit of laughter.

Yeah, not perfect in the eyes of many, but to you, it was more than that.

This was definitely the life you wanted. Until the end.

[triumphorce]

under umbras of bundles  of stars,

canopies of leaves & branches that shatter-scatter sky image held indirect

as a gleam in eyes

as conscious lay in fabricated gardens watching memories, & desires in dream form

from across highway covered by

blue-white, 

yellow,

& orange lights

sound of tires, mufflers, sirens, 

amidst a higher sense 

attuned to

muffled far cries muffled while crossing empty lands

filled with chilling wind howls, stealing hope, 

which

kickstarts the power on survival mode..

ups& downs 

drown the cries further,

that

war, warn, or cheer..

or just sing..

maybe

a hymn made by souls for souls under same umbra to set free to lead to wonder & beauty beyond the surface of senses directly to free to seek love loss between me and me

buried beneath  road of longest journey to reach

turn feet all around

all about a world I have no idea about

just mad ideas about Kept in journals i turn over

to all but from in front of views not yet exploited by value of which is, views are power,  & are the will in word- to-page transaction

self diminished to substantiate

entries from entrails, not shown to be conquered

win or lose is how I never saw things.

win or win, only optionss, only progress..

yet..,always over complicating;

marathon sprints from start to finish

as I choose, If i choose, to continue to choose to overlook slopes in existence, where hides I, in ruins, digging for recognition

contribute to a mind overloading with what I know I owe society, &me,

burden of see-through beast, I see illusions of future thru,mistaken as truth, play victim, get stressed or believe I'm down on luck ,in dumps of depression and slum of beliefs,

 in a slump with headphones on temple and music up, reminisce about the golden olden, me and broseph, SSB, PSO, kanto, johto, cartoon cartoons, many one saturday morning’s, plenty cinnamon toast, fruity pebbles, so many card games at Books-a-million

but when I open eyes from trance

I'm forever face to face with today is today

not then not later...

just

 changes who changed how I changed regret and anger to compensate for blaming everybody but me

now I stare afraid at dilemmas mass effect decisions

 daily in-and-out-terventions

to keep from falling back into resentment.. spite blinding shelves of subconscious-self- disappointed perpetuating judgment of others binding progression, tying tongue, boiling blood because old habits die hard and I continue fucking up, up raging rapids w/o a paddle,   almost 3 decades of failing infinite (according to projections) feel I missed and am missing out on so much, so much world, so many words coiled inside, waiting to explode,

all the time, just like everybody.. everything mind sets sights on turns to target issue     how unfortunate for aforementioned coordinates, for anyone close enough for me to put in poems' , important enough to torment conscious over, used to be everybody, used to be nobody, used to be just some people, now its just me and i dont know him

   attempts to speak, to learn again, to teach me about me       to learn to teach                     myself, to set example for ambition directed toward a better version, better verses, better reimbursement of time given tryna be an extrovert, free from bitter, free from bitch asses, set internal standards to never  get fucked with again, fuck you, fuck him, fuck her, i only fucks with a journal & question  everyone,  everything, every word, every whisper, shit ima tell my children every day, breakfast lunch dinner,  do your best and fuck the rest, get it, get lit off enlightenment, fuck rest, save roosting for death, dont look at me, looknat the sky, seize the day in everyway brain permits, dont reach for others' and if anyone tries to take yours, that means they dont fundamentally respect life, so always permeate passion, ignore distractions keeping you from creating, test limits, test intentions, challenge imperfections with wisdom, know that perfect is just cosmetics, but i remain quiet.. remain tied up being alone, wondering..           whether I'm right to do any god damn thing        'cause if I don't do it right..       was I right to think I could, wrong to think I understood

am i wrong not to try?

what of what's sacrificed ?

how do i keep count

how did I end up here       in standby...

standing squeamish & deer eyed in light of opportunities rising in horizon of night skies, to step in to obtain warmth, maintain from days before, to do something, do the one thing, but when will I be ready will eyes be ready to comprehend right or wrong

only me, here. only us, on planet.

only who's responsible? how is who is affected by, afflicted by? when is too late? when is just right, always too soon to tell and.. if I don't do it now, then why expect change..

why, why, why

'cause I expect anything at all

anger toward unmanned vehicles imminent to collide with mine

driven mad up eighty-five degree angled walls during rush hour, sun beaming heat into ride, where i travel on path, thru battlefield of past where fallen intentions decompose to ignorance and wisdom sprouts in the mean time.. I'm in between times, feelin down, down down down down by the way

a trail thru fears past dead ends, rotting trees, looks like fallout hit

a past I try an' forget..

but remember out of reluctance 

to accidentally revisit regret,

stand next to biggest fears,  see if facing them uproots soul

rolls ideas in head, non-stop

like trolls troll under bridges 

to which billy goat gruff temper charges like crono's katana on zenan crossing,

lodes of odes to oaths, lightning loaded, aimed at negative minded sapiens bioshocks via rhythm and syntax, cryo cascades of ideas, locked away in moleskine or computer files to put to rest the rest of an inside in arrest to judgment, in side quest of public playthrough, i feel im on public display, static complaining in front of pretty much strangers   modes of awareness to mental problems i exploit to people who might not think im crazy, who might like what i write, might like to write about the same thing, might see giants in those same nodes i stand near, i hear crisp crackles filling an awkward air as i stare at words on sheets that i might tear, might let collect dust, or share prolly might be quiet, only sound is poetic drafts that fill in under open windows, I open slowly, cool rush, goosebumps, awake aware always, even when mind is a crinkled, crumbled candy wrapper still just construct wrinkles in time via           hairs stand, ovation, and encores to

     helping to cross over doubts, screams of slander, stop it all, right now, shed truth in another light, fed through veins like pen's ink to go over and correct vision of pinheads vane turnin art, free thought to cash and competition, trade purpose blow for blow with obstacles in the name of the next step, over opponents, trade nervous for nerves robust to withstand standing up to stretch and spread chest to stand up for work where time invested is braided circulation    goin in circles,        time wasted pet peeve number 1

    a nowhere never felt before        but something seems familiar.. overlooked,   under yards, under pressure of bone leverage, give life a lift thru cracks of a collapsing effort stretched behind chest and ribs

a heart glows in

hot coal hues hearth warmth under carbon sheets

till blood boils till steam coils from pores to kill the cold along roads

sun or none

no light above, isn't lack of.. 

(look inside)

----

harsh heat of reality hot enough to feel cold

make me go ghost in dark times..

friction strong enough to spark moist..

continue until i sear nerves disembody fromm pain till im felt by meta-form of others

heartfelt arcs between soul and soul-mind 2 mind

light releases thru iris folds spectacle in spectacles----

spectrum wheel of emotions spins &spins to  understand self an urge that intensifies the more  i live life as well as I can Improve every day, no excuse, don't ignore the corners, get behind my ears,every nook and cranny in creative muse-um, uhm, duh, raised on books, nintendo, animation,& wishbone, outside, only myself as playdate, use every square inch as play-scape under every hair in head, a mind uses face and body as way to create 4 fourever& vice versa to escape who ever & know I can do whenever, wherever

wherever i go, a voice in mind goes

that keeps on talkin , keeps me talkin tellin me I've talk--, wrote enough hoped enough to last a lifetime, but that's not enough

and I still got a lifetime

to either solidify or fuck it up

gradually let go of 

to concentrate on life's finest moments i build to build form in appreciation, saying get up, enjoy the sun rays breaching clouds just before dawn; gett off yo butt and do what you know what you taught you to do when you were at multiple low points and you promised you, you'd never fall to end, even if you fall again, again, and again, never stall in the middle of  takeoff stop in middle of road, cant press play if you lost remote, might as well get up and do it, crawl, run or walk away when the times calls to brawl dark-inner energy only honorable mentions defend health during dishonorable discharge of nega, into rivers, into blue sky.. bordered by white clouds and linear silver

a safe place, work space, desk clerk sifting day to day thru file cabinets memories in memos in notebook; written relativity explaining how I see, what I think say what i want like im eight, glad i spent so much time with words and space-bars,   to escape judgment, hatred,

anxious surrounded by bad vibes

above an Earth, below expectations; over a self under surveillance by approval from inside, crazy dimensions, On the fence between people and myself I close eyes, ride waves of nostalgia once more..

see plenty light to traverse pathways, walk fer hours, walk like back in younger days, playin, runnin, completely captivated immersed in games played, tv, roller blades, monopoly, scary stories, trampolines

&10thousand songs later, 10million thoughts later, here I am doing what I made me to.

can't wait for the next chance

supplied energy through lines to hidden gracelands.