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a guilty conscious is ever so damning. it consumes you in every way possible and no thought can exist outside of the mind. you were a assassin. a killer. your penance in the world would never be enough to compensate all the wrong doings that you had done throughout your existence. she struggled knowing that fact. knowing that she will forevermore have to live with all the decisions that caused such agony not only for herself, but others. truthfully, living with this would be her kryptonite.

she sees the pain that radiates from jean. it was no easy trauma to bear. blood was on their hands and there would be no escaping that fact. you can try and try to flee from the actions but it will always catch up to you. it will always haunt you. it will always be engraved into your soul. it was no easy fact to bear. in fact, it was rather deafening. it was no wonder why the phoenix and former assassin would choose death time and time again. erase them from this mere mortal life so they can live in bliss once again.

" i know the person you are. you are caring and loving to everyone you know. you are more than what the phoenix wants you to be. " there was never any judgement between the two. they understood each other to their core and that was so rare to experience. " we are who we are because of everything we've done. without it, maybe we wouldn't be here - in this moment. i wouldn't trade that, jean. "

it's the million-dollar question—— would you change it? would you change the past, and unravel every mistake you've made to finally attain atonement? to paint the picture of your guilt, the canvas must be visible to all: YOU NEVER ASKED FOR THE PHOENIX FORCE. you, instead, had been cursed with it; you were a chosen one. the thing often forgotten about chosen ones is: they usually never have a choice from the very beginning. their destiny is written amongst the stars long before their births—— yours had been. the phoenix force was a cosmic entity, a parasite attached to your mind and skeleton, claiming your flesh as its residence and mind as host. the hellfire club did that to you. with their manipulation came the birth of the phoenix, as well as the deaths of many. more than 5 billion to be exact. their blood coats your hands and you know you'll never be freed of the guilt—— even as a victim. you're still the one who did it; you will always be the phoenix. as a consequence of your actions, you died. sentenced yourself to death, both as a martyr and as a sinner.

and then you learned, it ultimately didn't matter. THE CYCLE OF WAR NEVER CHANGES—— you've been brought back enough times to see it over time. you sacrificed yourself so the phoenix force couldn't destroy anything else, but you aren't the only destroyer of worlds. people themselves are just as bad. your wife's question draws evident discomfort, your features scrunching in response. with a finalized painted canvas of thoughts, you exhale a long sigh—— your fingers move to interlock with nat's, seeking out a form of comfort. ❝ that's really tough to answer. in so many ways, the phoenix force has shaped me—— made me into the woman i am today. ❞ made me the wife you are capable of being—— in sickness and health, until death do you part. [it has yet to take you away, but it does leave the question: the day it does, will she stay by your graveside? you can only hope so.]

but suddenly, the reality settles back inside your bones. ❝ but... i hurt a lot of people—— i've killed so many people. ❞ you can't even force the number up your throat, through your opened mouth. if you do, you'll choke in agony and decide to fling yourself into another sun. the guilt is too much to bear. you tilt your head to the side, considering your next words carefully—— as if they're life or death in the making. like karma will strike if you choose the wrong one. YOU'VE HAD IT HAPPEN MORE TIMES THAN NOT.

❝ i really don't know, nat. i'm scared that i don't—— what does that say about me? the type of person i've become? ❞