#ig ive become hypervigilant (?) to racism

[clonehub]

This is hard for me to write but also ok to reblog. No clowns.

(under a cut for length)

I knew that starting #UnwhitewashTBB was going to only increase whatever hate was already levied against me, and I was fine with that. But I don't know how many people realize just how bad it would get, especially earlier this year when the racists were feeling emboldened and the survey had just come out.

I got accused of being racist for pointing out racism. My friends who were Polynesian/Asian/Black/etc were accused of being racist against their own people for pointing out the racism in The Bad Batch--and they were called soft and liars and any number of names. There was that guy on twitter who was stalking my account, yelling at me through the survey, getting his friends to demand that I unblock him, etc. He eventually escalated to yelling at my friends on twitter to tell me to unblock him, and I did--just to say that he would remain blocked because that behavior was wildly inappropriate. He apologized to me on here, went back to talking about me, but took the survey again a few weeks ago to warn me about a potential anti-uwwtbb situation that he thought I should know about. He said he was trying to be a better man.

When the survey first came out, we got a lot of pornographic responses. Thirst comments directed at the Bad Batch, smut fics, you name it. It's since stopped, but those early days of the survey were rough. There's someone who semi-regularly takes the survey to accuse me of fetishizing the clones because I talk about Maaori culture (and I guess my URL sounds NSFW to them?), of being transphobic and ableist for having trans and autistic OCs (which is why I asked that one time), starting harassment campaigns against minors (????), etc. All of these are without evidence, but that doesn't stop them. I had folks call me alt right too, once. I don't enjoy checking the survey and seeing there's more responses.

Trolls make burner accounts to call me all sorts of names (spineless, racist, the occasional ableist slur) and they direct fatphobia and blatant ableism at my corunner @tieflingkisser. They direct racism, ableism, and other forms of bigotry at my friends. People take my zero tolerance policy for racism as me being "rude" and they use whatever issues they have with how I talk about racism/to racists as an excuse to not support the movement at all. I get personally blamed for a lack of support of uwwtbb quite often.

I guess, for whatever reason, its easier to attack just me for uwwtbb and to ignore the countless other people who talk about this regularly. Everything I post on here is used as evidence against me and "proof" that I'm actually a terrible person, a performative activist, a "slacktivist", a white woman (lmao)--and it's often reported directly to racist white fandom members. They literally never bring any evidence, but truth and honesty has never stopped these people.

It's stressful. It's anxiety inducing. It probably won't end when #UnwhitewashTBB ends.

I'm not going to stop the movement, but I can feel the kind of toll it's taking on me--and I very rarely talk about it because my appearing "weak" is just going to be another reason for racists to attack me. I'm sure many people think I'm just cruising along blithely dismissing racists left and right--and sometimes, I do do that.

But sometimes my skin goes cold and I start shaking and I feel like throwing up. Sometimes I wake up filled with dread. Sometimes I feel a buzzing anger under my skull that I can't identify the source of. I could have a good day and then come on here and see new racism in my inbox, another fucked up troll in the survey, another person blaming me for their lack of desire to support a movement that they have never once said anything about.

As I said: It's stressful. It's anxiety inducing. It probably won't end when #UnwhitewashTBB ends.