#ifknmisshim

[ifknmisshim]

a letter i will never send

Dear my first love, 

i just want to start by saying thank you. Thank you for all the smiles and laughs we shared, thank you for being the first guy to really make me feel beautiful, special and loved.. there will forever be a place in my heart reserved for you. I still remember that day in year 9, the day my whole year changed.. the day i met you. It was during English our teacher paired us and r (not writing names for personal reasons) I had seen you around but never had the chance to speak to you without being totally awkward. After one conversation i could already tell you would be one of my best friends and that there was something special about what we had. Just thinking about the whole year makes me smile, how we sat next to each other every single class we could totally oblivious to everything and everyone around us, how we would text each other till the very early hours of the morning then complain the next day about how tired we were. But no matter what we would do that every night cause neither of us wanted the conversation to end. 

Then everything slowly started to change from the moment i got a message from you saying to call you as soon as i could... 

I rang you, really confused then you told me that a girl in our class, the one you knew hated me and despised us all because she had a crush on you said to you that i liked you..

Till this moment right now i still don’t understand why that was such a urgent thing for you to tell me. i remember telling you that i loved having you as a friend and nothing more. but to tell you the truth that was absolute bullshit.. but i was to afraid to say anything because i truly did love having you as my friend and i was so scared i was going to lose you, or worse lose you to her. 

You believed me and we sat on that call for hours that night, as she was still messaging you anything and everything she could to get you to hate me. you defended me and told me how much you loved me and nothing she said matters. you told me not to let it affect me but in the end, this moment in time was the start of the roller-coaster that was and is our relationship.

It wasn’t till a month or two later.. we were better than ever, still spending so much time talking to one another. But then you tried to turn whatever we had into something more..

but not the something more that i wanted, the something more people refer to s friends with benefits. I had never been asked anything like that nor even done anything with a guy. It took a few weeks but i sent you a photo and from then on that’s what we did regularly along with the normal parts of our friendship

if i’m being completely honest i regret that choice so much and would change it in a heartbeat. The rest is history i guess.. you later found out that i did in fact use to have a crush on you in about the December of that year.. 

Seeing you 5 days a week still, but having us not talk at all hurts me in ways one can’t imagine. I think i still love you as much as i try not to... after 1 year i still fucking love you. I know that you won’t feel the same but every time (so basically everyday) where one of my friends or i catch you staring i get this tiny glimmer of hope that one day, just one day we will find our way back to one another..

Love from,

M.M

[ifknmisshim]

account started

13/08/2018

[ifknmisshim]

maybe one day we can be together again.. once we’ve sorted ourselves out and become the people we’re suppose to be. 

[ifknmisshim]

do you think he misses me, as much as i miss him... 

(first text post i’ve made)