#if your ever in Texas. Spring is a wonderful time to come

[lilybug-02]

Happy Spring 2023 - Part 3! 🌺🪴💐

This is a showcase of the Texas Bluebonnet, also known as the Texas State flower. Wild Bluebonnets only bloom in the early spring and find themselves all along highways and pastures across the state in patches that can span acres. Thanks to the Texas Highway Department and many other influential figures, these and other wildflowers are protected by the State. It’s even illegal to pick them without proper cause. Something I found out recently, was that they can come in a variety of colors, such as pink, red, and even strait white, although these are quite rare.

[saiyanprincessswanie]

Blue Bonnets

Pairing: Brock Rumlow x Female Reader

Word Count: 1720

Summary: What if Brock left Hydra and retired on a Ranch?

Warnings: Smut & Fluff

A/N: This idea came from @americasass81 and my muse was happy to write it.

A/N 2: Thank you to @lfnr-blog-blog-blog for beta reading this. All mistakes are still my own.

The header was made by me.

Reblogs & Comments are welcomed and encouraged. 😊💜

I do NOT give my consent to have my work translated or reposted on any social media platform, apps, or third-party sites. If you see my work anywhere besides my personal Tumblr & AO3 accounts, it has been stolen. I will NEVER give written or verbal permission to repost or translate any of my fanfics as they’re MY intellectual property. 🚫🚫

The sun was slowly setting over the horizon as Brock sat on his porch and took in the beauty of it all. The bluebonnets were coming in nicely this spring and he wondered how long they would stay. If you had asked him years ago if he would leave Hydra for a simpler life, he would have laughed in your face. Hydra at one point was the only thing keeping him together and gave him what he thought was family. Time presented its moment and he learned of all the things Hydra was capable of doing and all the lives they would take. That was when he was done with them and took off on the run. Brock watched as you rode your horse back to the house you both shared. As you start putting the horse up for the evening Brock can’t help but reminisce on how he got here.

After months of being on the run, he was able to finally make it to a small town in Texas. He was expecting to pass through just like every other town he drifted through but instead, he found you. He remembers the first time he saw you. You were at a local bar with your friends dancing in your dress, cowgirl boots, and hat. He was at the bar in the corner watching as you swayed your hips to the country music that was playing. In his eyes, you were the most beautiful woman he had ever seen and by the end of the night, he would have your number. 

When you were done dancing you made your way over to the bar. You ordered a beer as you tried catching your breath from all the dancing. Your eyes glanced around the bar and you spotted Brock sitting alone, nursing a beer. He was handsome in his plaid black shirt that was rolled up to his elbows, hat sitting low on his head, and jeans that were hugging him in all the right places. You grabbed your beer and slowly walked over to him.

Brock’s eyes never left yours as you slowly walked over to him. He took a swig of his beer just as you approached him. He placed his beer on the table and gave you a smirk. You then introduced yourself and sat down in the chair next to him. Brock tilted his hat your way and introduced himself. “I’m Brock, it’s a pleasure to meet you.”

You instantly know the accent is not from around these parts but you are intrigued with him. As you both drink your beers slowly you make small talk. He gives you a little background that he’s from New York and had a job that just went in the wrong direction with his values. He is currently just enjoying life as a drifter but he may want to see what this town has to offer. The answer was good enough for you and you explain to him you have a ranch just on the edge of town. You were looking for a ranch hand and if he needed some work he could come by in the morning. With a grin on his face, he agrees that he will stop by. 

The rest of the night goes by in a blur and before you both know it the bar is shutting down. Brock paid both your tabs and offered to walk you to your truck. He holds the door open for you as you head outside into the cool night. When you reach your truck you turn to him and say, “I had a wonderful night Brock. I can’t wait to see you tomorrow.” You lean in and give a soft kiss on his cheek. 

Brock was taken aback by how gently you kissed him and lord knew he would love to pull you in for a passionate one. But for now, he’ll wait as he knows this is the beginning of something special. You both part ways for the evening leaving him to think about what the future could bring if he stayed.

The next day Brock showed up on your ranch and watched you exit a house. Today you are wearing a lightweight plaid shirt over a tank top, jeans, your boots, and a hat. You looked ready to start your day. You walked over to him, looped your arm in his, and instantly started giving him a tour of your property. You showed him the house you came from which was for the ranch hands for them to stay if they didn’t have a place. Then you showed him the rest of the buildings on the property. The tour took an hour and by the time you were done, Brock was agreeing to be your new ranch hand. 

From then on you two became inseparable, working hand in hand on the ranch. Brock worked hard to prove this was something he could do. No longer was he a Hydra soldier now he was Brock the rancher. He even got to eventually call you his woman after a few months of working together. Life was going in a direction he never imagined and he was in love with you. One night you were both getting the barn settled for the night. When he cornered you near the hay bales. His touch was light and desperate. You jumped up into his arms and wrapped your legs around his waist. He kissed you passionately and deepened the kiss when your mouth parted. It seemed he kissed you forever but he pulled back so you both could take a breath.

“I want you sweetheart so badly. Let me make love to you.” Brock whispered against your lips.

Your head was nodding before you could answer. “Please I need to feel you inside me. I-I have waited so long for you to ask.” You begged him to take you and Brock smiled at you. 

Brock carried you to your house as you placed kisses on his neck while occasionally nibbling on him. Brock couldn’t help the low groans that left his mouth from what you were doing. Finally reaching your bedroom Brock lowered you to your feet and stood there staring at you. “You’re the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. I can’t wait to make love to you.”

You slowly start to undress along with him and before you know it you’re both naked. You can’t help but admire his muscles on display along with his large cock. Gently Brock pushes you to the bed and you inch your way up the bed while he follows you. As you fully lay down Brock spreads your legs and lays in between them. Seeing your glistening pussy on display for him he can’t help but go in for a taste. 

The first pass with his tongue had you begging for more. Your fingers slipped through his hair as he skillfully took you apart with his tongue. Every pass of his tongue, every suckle of your clit had you arching into him, moaning his name to the heavens. Brock then pushed two fingers into you, thrusting them in and out while he played with your clit with his mouth. His fingers sped up as he sucked on your clit and that’s all you needed to cum for him. Brock finally stopped when you started to shake in his hold from overstimulation.

Slowly he crawled up your body until he was face to face with you. “How do you feel sweetheart?”

You smiled big at him. “Like I’m on cloud nine. I need more. Please make love to me.”

“Anything you want sweetheart you can have.” Brock wrapped his hand around his hard cock giving it a few strokes before he lined himself up to your wet pussy and started to push into you. Inch by inch he slowly sank into your tight cunt and leaned over you with his arms on either side of you to hold him up. His strokes were soft but firm at times. Your legs wrapped around his waist as he rolled his hips into you. Both of you let out groans and moans with every thrust into you. Brock leaned down to kiss you on your lips, capturing your whimper of how good he was feeling inside you. His thrusts started to pick up and the sound of skin slapping against skin echoed in the room along with your moans. Within moments you were crying out your release as he started to chase his end. A few hard thrusts into you and he was cumming inside you, painting your womb in his release. Both of you were panting from the exhaustion of your lovemaking. You pulled his face towards yours and started to kiss him. Never have you felt this way with another man before. 

A few minutes later Brock pulled out of you and walked to the bathroom to clean himself up. When he walked back he had a towel with him and he sat on the bed cleaning up the mess you both made between your legs. After he was done he threw the towel in your dirty laundry bin. Brock crawled into bed with you and pulled you close to his chest. He kissed your face and settled in. 

“I’m in love with you sweetheart. I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. Say you will be mine forever. Say it and I promise that you will never want for anything. I will love you until my last breath.”

Your eyes welled up with tears as you answered him, “I’m in love with you too Brock. I promise to stay with you forever. You’re my everything.”

Brock’s arms wrapped around you and you both drifted off to sleep.

This seemed like an eternity ago as Brock watched you pick some bluebonnets with your little girl who was now three years old. Again if you would have asked him if he thought this was his future he would have called you crazy. Today he is happily married and has a daughter that looks just like you. The ranch, no you have saved his life. You gave him a home, a new family, and a future.

Taglist:

@americasass81

@caffiend-queen

@charmed-asylum

@denisemarieangelina

@fictional-affairs

@georgiapeach30513

@get0verit

@hollybee8917

@joannie95

@jobean12-blog

@jvanilly

@labella420

@lfnr-blog-blog-blog

@madscape

@mdemontespan1667

@mrsmischief209

@mycrazyasslikestoread

@nekoannie-chan

@notyourtypicalrose

@patzammit

@princessofdarkwinter

@rayofdawnworld

@sweater-daddiesdumbdork

@wolfsmom1

@what-is-your-plan-today

@wiypt-writes

@missvelvetsstuff

@jtargaryen18

@thefallenbibliophilequote

@awesomerextyphoon

@caplanbuckybarnes

@km-ffluv

@astheskycries

@spectre-posts

@talia-rumlow

[everythingmp3]

𝐜𝐫𝐨𝐬𝐬𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐞𝐬

Tess Servopoulos x fem!reader

this is a combination of three concepts: no outbreak + Joel is readers father and Tess is his best friend (my take on the dbf thing) + road trip.

AO3

you can find part 2 here

authors note: this started out as just for fun but then it turned into the longest fic I’ve ever written and I ended up really liking it, so wanted to put it out there! I tried to keep it fun and light while also giving the characters depth and heart and I think it ended up being a good mix of the two. it brought me a lot of joy to spend time with this story, it is close to my heart now and I’m proud of it, so I hope you have a good time reading <3

warnings: minors dni. drinking, brief discussion of a strained mother relationship, smut. reader is in her early 20s and Tess is in her early/mid 40s, so obviously a large age gap

word count: 23k

when your father suggested to you that you should drive back home from college with Tess instead of paying for a flight, you thought please god no. 

it wasn´t that you had anything against her, you´d never even been introduced, but after the stress of finals and packing up your dorm the last thing you wanted to do was to spend hours and hours trapped in a car with a stranger. the reason that you had never met her even though she was his best friend was that she moved to Boston ages ago and they mostly did their friendship long distance, Joel mostly visited her whenever you were at your grandparents or your mothers place for spring break or the summer. you were aware of her, you knew they were close and had a longstanding friendship, but you had yet to meet her for the first time. now that you weren´t a kid anymore he thought it could be fun, to connect you two, since you were both two of the most important people in his life. 

he really tried to sell it to you when he heard a hesitant silence on the other end of the call, going on and on about the beautiful lush nature you could see on the drive, the adventurous nature of it all, the fact that Tess was a very chill person who wouldn´t be overbearing at all, and you could tell from his tone how enthusiastic he was about the idea of having his daughter and his best friend finally getting to know each other, so you masked your initial annoyance and agreed to it, telling yourself that if it was really that bad you could just pretend to fall asleep in the passenger seat for a few hours. 

Tess had about the same reaction when he called her to suggest that she should take you with her on her drive down to Texas. she had a thing for road trips, especially during summer, the feeling of an open road with the windows down and hours of nobody to answer to, so she´d told him in advance that she would come by car to visit him, so when he realized that you´d be off school the same week she was planning to come, he thought perfect, Boston is very close to her college town. Tess had no good argument against taking you with her and she knew that she´d be in his good graces afterwards, so she thought fuck it, what´s the worst that could happen? she would come to remember this moment later and think if you only knew. 

you could tell that Joel was kind of hoping that Tess might function as a sort of mother figure for you, since you and your mom were anything but close, but what he didn´t realize was that the kind of attention you wanted from women like her was not necessarily the maternal kind, at least not strictly, otherwise he might have thought twice about putting you in a confined space with his good looking friend.

Joel gave you her number and predictably she was not one for long or emotional responses, a short and unembellished “see you at 12.” was all you got from her, no “looking forward to meeting you”, no “see you then!”, which made you wonder whether that was just the way she texted or if she was also kind of reluctant about the whole thing. for some reason it made you feel better to know that she wasn´t the type to be overly excited, nothing would have grated on your nerves more than having to be chipper and talkative the whole drive. something about her being more on the reserved side seemed desirable to you as you made your way downstairs that morning, a little tired and hungover from the farewell party the night before, your head pounding for a moment as you stepped out into the sun. 

it took you about five minutes until you reached the side of the road where you´d agreed to meet and the first thing you thought when you spotted her was thank god the car is big. the second thing was she looks much cooler than I expected. of course you´d seen pictures of her but they didn´t do her justice at all; Tess was leaning back against the passenger side door, her arms crossed, her black t-shirt and worn out jeans an effortless but flattering look for her, her stance giving off an air of confidence as the wind blew through her hair. for a moment there you were glad you´d actually bothered to get dressed in a real outfit and not just lounge wear. Tess´s mental image of you was also very different from the reality that she was confronted with, for a moment she didn´t even register that it was you as you came closer because for some reason she´d pictured you much younger, probably due to Joel´s habit of calling you his “babygirl”. the moment she saw you she realized that you were fully grown, not some little girl.  

due to that slight confusion she only got up to move towards you once you were only a few feet away, giving her a friendly nod as you already felt sweat collecting at your hairline from the effort of carrying your bags. “hey” you said as you stood there, slightly self conscious as she pushed up her sunglasses to take a good look at you, waiting a second before she said “you´re late.” in a stern tone that took you off guard. you glanced down at your phone “yeah by two minutes...”, suppressing a laugh because you knew that it might not land well. Tess was never the best at first impressions and she realized that she might have come on too strong there, so she pointed at your luggage “here, let me take care of those, you go ahead and get in”, so you handed her everything you´d brought, except for the smaller bag that held your books, water, etc., smiling to yourself and shaking your head as you got into the car, thinking well, this is gonna be interesting. 

you tried to find a casual way to sit as she got in on the other side and rested her hands on her thighs before turning to you.“so. here´s the plan” she started, before going on to lay out your next 30 hours or so, she kept it brief, telling you which states you´d have to pass through, including an overnight stay somewhere in Tennessee if she had calculated the amount of miles you could manage in a day right. you just nodded along, adding the occasional “sounds good”, not giving her any trouble, before she started the car. you tried to butter her up a little then “thank you for doing this by the way. I know you probably would´ve preferred to do it on your own so.. yeah I appreciate the ride, really, it beats having to get up at 3am to go to the airport”, she could tell that you were a little worried about being a nuisance so she softened her tone a little, “oh it´s fine, really, besides I think he also had to do some convincing to get you to agree to this huh?” you laughed then, “I mean, a little yeah.”. she looked good driving, competent, you suddenly felt relaxed as you got comfortable in the passenger seat, rolled the window down a little, and started chatting with her about the surface level stuff that strangers always had to get out of the way when trying to get to know each other.

she asked about college, about classes, how you lived, roommates all that, you asked her about her job, her apartment, what she does on weekends, but after a while you both felt the other one getting bored so it turned a little more personal, you asked her “so, remind me how did you and my dad meet again? I´m sure he´s told me before but I forgot”. she thought for a moment, you just looked at her from the side, enjoying the draft of the wind that was cooling you down in the midday heat, “well, I think it was the second year of college. oh yeah I remember now, we were both at this awful party, like truly not the crowd any of us would have usually hung with, and we ended up in the garden smoking while things were escalating inside. I think we were both just glad to meet a somewhat sane person we could sit in silence with for a moment so yeah, guess that was that, we hung out a lot after that”, you nodded, smiling at the idea of them around your age. 

“well from what I´ve witnessed I think you´re a good friend to him. really helped him a lot when things were.. you know not great back then after the divorce and all that. maybe I benefitted too from that, him being more stable thanks to your support” she shook her head “okay you´re giving me too much credit there I think. but yeah I remember, it was a tough time. you were too young to remember much right?”, she seemed genuinely interested then, leaning over a little while glancing back and forth between the road and your face, “yeah I just remember bits and pieces. but you know, things got better for sure, seems like a distant memory now to be honest” she was glad to hear that, “yeah, from what I´ve heard you two did make a good duo” she´d heard endless praise from him, always calling you his angel to a point of her getting tired of it at times. 

by that point of the drive you were already outside of city limits, on the highway, so for a few minutes you both sat there in silence until you tried to prop your legs up on the dashboard. she immediately shoved your knee to signal for you to take them down “oh no absolutely not”, “what? why??” you protested, “you would snap in fucking half if I made an abrupt stop right now with you sitting like that, and I plan on delivering you in once piece, so legs down, now”. reluctantly you put them down again, groaning a little, rubbing your temples yet again, you´d done this motion a few times before, and it dawned on her then what your issue was, “late night hm?” you didn´t laugh, “yes.” your tone indicating that you were regretting it, and Tess felt herself warming up to you then, knowing that you weren´t some sheltered miss perfect, but someone who would do something reckless like partying before two days of travel.

“you need an aspirin or something?” she said, a slightly condescending touch to it, which made you perk up and prove to her that you were doing just fine, “I´m good, thanks” you turned off the radio because the song was getting on your nerves, some awful pop tune you´d heard one too many times, “god I hate that fucking song.” you got an idea, “do you have an aux?”, she eyed you from the side, “well depends on what you´re gonna play”, you cocked your head, in a way that said really?, so she grinned and reached down to hand it to you, “here, let´s see what you got”. you took the challenge, scrolling through your playlists for a moment, “I think a road trip calls for some oldies, what do you want, something fun or something serious?” she thought of it, “I think fun is better, something upbeat would do you some good I think” teasing you a little, “right okay, I got it”, you put on one of your favorite songs from a 90s band, the one you always went for when you needed to feel energized and hopeful, you waited for her reaction to see if she knew the song, “you´ve never heard this one??” you said, a little incredulous, the first verse was still building up as she shook her head “no”. “damn, what were you doing in the late 90s?” she answered a little dramatically “jeez I don´t know, getting stoned, being stupid?”, you smiled, enjoying the feeling of messing with her, “well clearly, otherwise you wouldn´t have let this pass you by” , “how about you save the jokes and we just listen huh”, Tess said while pulling her sunglasses down to her nose again, so you stopped talking and turned up the volume, setting down the phone before rolling your window down all the way, the rush of air giving adding to the intense vibe of the song.

after a second you forgot about her and closed your eyes, getting into the familiar groove of the song, even better on loud car stereos, holding your arm out of the window and resting your head on your shoulder, feeling the wind between your fingers, moving your hand up and down in a wave like motion as you mouthed along to the lyrics you knew by heart. it was a moment of you fully losing all concept of time and space and it felt great, Tess tried to keep her eyes forward but she kept looking over at you, the sight was endearing to her, it looked straight out of a vintage photography book, all those shots of young people sticking their heads out of cars to feel a sense of freedom, of adventure, your lips forming the words she was hearing, the song much better than she expected, very close to the kind of stuff she´d put on. after a moment she forced herself to look away from you and the moment she realized that she had to muster up willpower to do it her whole body ran cold as she thought fuck. no, not her. she tried to recover but at her core she knew it was too late, something about you was getting to her, and it was getting worse by the second.

once the song was over you opened your eyes and sat upright in your seat again, looking at her, waiting for her to speak, she nodded in approval “yeah that was good”, “well I´ve got more where that came from” you announced while adding a few songs to a playlist, so the next hour or so you both mostly talked about music, she recognized one song you´d picked and told a story about a concert she´d been to where that exact one was also played, it made her feel good to see your eyes light up as she recalled the story, she liked being able to impress you with something and over the course of that hour you grew increasingly comfortable with each other, laughing more freely, making darker jokes, in general acting more the way you would with a friend. while a slower song was playing, you looked at her, not too obviously, and had a similar feeling to the one she´d had before; you caught yourself admiring the way her bare arms looked holding the steering wheel, her skin already slightly tan from the weeks of good weather before, the way her her hair fell down her shoulders, a few lighter strands shimmering whenever the sun hit them, you caught yourself anxiously checking how you looked in the side mirror and thought fuck. this is how I act when I am into someone. you tried to deny it for a moment but it was clear that you were starting to care what she thought of you, including your physique. 

after a while she saw that you were battling fatigue and told you that you could rest if you wanted, so you did, using the sweater you had packed as a makeshift pillow squeezed between your shoulder and the window. for another hour or so she drove you two further into the country while you dozed off a few times but never really fell asleep, it was peaceful state to be in and she enjoyed the feeling of watching over you in a way, glancing over every now and then to make sure you still looked relaxed. 

around 2pm you were startled out of your state of half sleep by the buzz of your phone and as you looked at with tired eyes you let out an audible “fuck no.. ughh”. Tess was amused by that reaction, “what? crazy ex or something?” you shook your head, not even cracking a smile at the joke because your heart was racing all of a sudden, “no I wish… it´s my mom.”. Tess had heard enough from Joel over the years to know that you and your mom weren´t exactly best friends, and for good reason. as his confidant she knew the whole story, that she´d left Joel for another man when you were around 4 to move to another state with him, that Joel got custody, which meant that you mostly saw her whenever you were off from school. she looked at you as you stared at the phone, deciding what to do, “you gonna answer or?”, you seemed panicked, “I don´t know”, “go on and answer, you can give me a sign if you wanna hang up and I will find a reason, okay?”, you gave her a look that said thank you as you picked up. 

it wasn´t anything crazy, your mom was asking about your plans for the summer, if you´d come visit, how you were doing, but the way you were speaking was almost heartbreaking to Tess, it shocked her a little how your voice changed once you started talking to her, you sounded depressed almost, you spoke slower and with much less feeling, like you were putting up a mental barrier between yourself and her. thankfully the call only lasted a few minutes but it still left you feeling deflated as you put your phone down and sighed, Tess gave you a moment to relax before asking, “so, how are things with her?”, you shook your head, trying not to let it get to you, but the few times a month she called were always unnerving to you. “god I don´t know. it´s complicated”, Tess nodded, staring ahead, “I´m listening” something told her that it was a good idea to make you get it off your chest, so you tried to find a way to phrase it “it´s just.. when I was younger I stopped visiting her during summer when I was around 14 because she started accusing me of favoring dad, which is insane because of course I am closer to the parent I live with? so we kind of drifted apart, she never apologized or anything that went down and I was honestly fine with it just being dad and I. but then when I started college, all of a sudden she acted like nothing ever happened and tried to be all caring, asking me to come to her place more. but honestly, I don´t need all that anymore, I´m grown, I´m good without her. but I don´t know.. .” Tess took it in, “sounded to me like you really didn´t wanna take her up on that offer to visit in a few weeks”, you shook your head, “yeah I don´t wanna go, at all. but I guess I should”. Tess considered it, “I mean, you don´t have to. you can say no. after everything you went through, I think you don´t owe her shit”, that took you by surprise, it got to you, hearing someone put it that way, after being guilt tripped by your mom quite a few times over the years, “if you say so” you said, trying to internalize it, Tess nodded reassuringly as she stopped looking at the road for a moment and turned to you, “I am saying so, yes.”, a faint smile on your face then, which was relieving for her to see. 

about fifteen minutes later you could feel yourself getting a little dizzy and tried to breathe through it but Tess noticed, you´d gotten suspiciously quiet “hey, you good?” she asked, resting her hand on your shoulder for a moment, which did soothe you a little, the feeling of her fingers on your skin, “yeah I just get a little car sick sometimes, but it´s fine”, “okay let´s stop at the next gas station and get something to drink, maybe move around a little to get your blood flowing again, alright?” you nodded, “okay”, a light squeeze on your arm from her before she let go of you, leaving your skin tingling where she´d made contact, you found yourself wishing you could ask her for a hug once you were out of the car and told yourself to get a grip already.

once she pulled into the parking lot of the gas station you moved to get out but she told you to wait, quickly walking around the car to open the door for you and offering a hand to help you up, an almost shy smile on your face as you let her do all that, “thanks” you said as you stood up next to her, straightening out your clothes and stretching your legs while looking around as she did too.“we really are in the middle of nowhere huh” you said as you looked at the fields around you that were only interrupted by a few small farms in the distance, “hm, looks like it” but both of you took some comfort in feeling like you were far away from your usual life, completely out of reach. “okay let´s go” she said, motioning for you to follow her. once you were inside you saw a bored looking girl around your age busy on her phone at the register and about a hundred different drinks to choose from in the fridges, as you both scanned the various labels you agreed that a classic coke was probably a good idea, so you reached in and grabbed two, “we´ll need some water too” she said as she walked away from you for a moment to get some while you briefly scanned the bars of chocolate and candy, debating whether you should get some but ultimately deciding against it.“here let me go check out, I´ll join you in a sec” she said pointing at a bench outside of the store, urging you to go get some fresh air and shake off the feeling of dizziness that was still somewhat messing with you. 

you walked outside, taking in the air, a distinct smell of dry grass and dust, no noise at all except for the occasional car passing by. you sat down on the wooden bench and took some deep breaths as you felt your head getting clearer and your heartbeat becoming steadier again. once you heard the door slamming you perked up, watching Tess as she made her way over and flopped down next to you, handing you your coke, your water, and finally, dropping something in your lap that you couldn´t identify at first before picking it up: it was the exact brand of chocolate you had looked at before. apparently your eyes had lingered just long enough for her to see and as you looked down at the golden packaging you realized that she was admitting something to you in a way: the fact that she was paying close attention; someone else might have just written it off as a friendly gesture, but to you it seemed a little deeper than that, perhaps because you wanted it to be. you smiled at her sheepishly as she took a big sip of her coke, “thank you” you said, your tone all sweet, but she waved it off, not wanting any praise for it,“drink” she instructed, “and not just a sip, at least half that bottle, we need you fit again”, you nodded, taking the order, gulping down a good amount of the ice cold beverage, which did make you feel more energized immediately. for a second you both just sat there soaking up the sun, you weren´t facing her but your attention still went in her direction, the way she was sitting, relaxed and not afraid to take up space, the space between her jeans and shirt revealing a hint of her skin that made your cheeks feel hot, so you tried hard to look at other things, the perfect empty sky, the red truck that was passing by, the field across the road, anything but her, you knew by then how attentive she was, how little it would take to give yourself away. 

after a while she leaned forward as she pointed into the distance, “look, those are horses I think, right?”, you squinted your eyes, “oh yeah that´s cool, it´s been ages since I´ve seen one. or ridden one for that matter. I kinda miss it sometimes.”. she turned her head and eyed you, saving the suggestive riding jokes she could´ve come up with in that moment, “you really are a Texas girl huh?” you smiled at her, “well, in that regard I guess. but other than that not so much..” she raised her eyebrows, “no?”, you shook your head, uncrossing your legs to sit more comfortably, blissfully unaware of her trying not to stare at your thighs, “no. I mean, do I strike you as the southern belle type?...” she looked you up and down, “hm, no guess not.” a grin from her then as she thought about how you definitely weren´t what she had expected. you were charming her without even trying hard and it was beyond whatever she had envisioned before, having fun was not what Tess had allowed herself to hope for when she agreed to take you with her, but there she was, a few hours into knowing you, already completely won over, the initial skepsis nowhere to be found. 

for a second she completely forgot who your father was and felt the way she used to feel when she was hanging out with a girl she had a thing for, that slight buzz of adrenaline that tinged every interaction, the warmth in her chest, something passed between you for a moment, a silence that was a little too long and comfortable for it to mean nothing. you both could have stayed for longer but you still had a good few hours of driving ahead of you, so Tess clapped her hands together “alright, let´s go. you feel better right?”, you nodded emphatically as you stood up in unison with her, “yeah much better!”. she led the way and smiled to herself as she got back into the car, pretty certain at that point that you shared her feeling of this is much nicer than I expected.

once you were back on the road the energy shifted yet again, it was like there was an invisible barrier between you both that was breaking down by the minute, in some ways you were still feeling each other out, but in others you already felt like old friends, something was in the air, a sense of familiarity, even though neither of you had revealed anything too personal yet, there was an unspoken connection, the kind of thing that´s hard to put into words, a sense of I have a good guess who this person is deep down because I am similar. 

as you were getting further South you came across some of the insane Christian billboards that were very familiar to you, huge banners you could read from far away that said things about the rapture and repenting, one particular one you saw that afternoon made you laugh, so Tess asked “what is it?”, you read it out loud for her “Heaven or Hell, which one will it be?”, a cheap graphic design of fire and clouds making it campy almost, Tess smiled, “wow, right to the point huh?”, you leaned over then, looking up at her with a challenging grin. “so, what will it be for you?”, she briefly glanced over at you, wondering if you were actually asking her or just fucking around, “well I highly doubt any god would let me into heaven so. I´ll burn I guess” a dry way of delivering it, no laugh to accompany it, which intrigued you then, “oh yeah? what makes you say that?”, she could tell you were daring her to tell you something juicy but she just shook her head, staring forward, “you really think I´ll just confess my sins to my friend´s daughter?”, you leaned back into your seat then, crossing your arms, sulking a little “oh come on, I am more than that. I can keep a secret you know” she nodded, not unaware of the slightly lascivious tone you used for that last part of your statement, “I bet you can. maybe ask me again after I´ve had a drink or two”, that sounded better to you, “alright, I will”.

she took her right hand off the steering wheel and turned to face you for a moment, reaching for the golden cross necklace that was dangling a few inches above your chest, taking the pendant between her fingers, the sudden unexpected intimacy of it making your face flush, “you´ll have an easier time getting in I suppose”, you had to recover for a second after she let go and drove with both hands again, “this is just for aesthetic purposes. I don´t think I am a good candidate for heaven either”, she didn´t buy it, “really? what have you done in your young years that is so unforgivable?”, you shrugged, imitating her previous answer, “you think I´ll just confess my sins to my father´s friend?”. touché she thought, “right, I´ll just have to use my imagination then”, her voice low enough as she said it to worsen the heat you´d already felt because of her, so you pulled down the window further and tried to cool down while she kept thinking about what you´d said, because for some reason she could tell that you weren´t bluffing, that there was a potential for danger in you. a sense of guilt washed over her as she thought of you like that, like a temptress of some sort, you weren´t doing anything wrong, it was her own issue that she couldn´t get her mind out of the gutter, she knew this, but it was hard, for so long Tess had spent her days in a dull haze of boredom and apathy, so any hint of euphoria and excitement pulled her closer like a moth to flame, and as much as she told herself that she´d get burned if she wasn´t careful, she couldn´t deny that part of her wanted the pain, the ache of doing something wrong. for a second, as she kept driving, the sign, your necklace, the imagery of transgression and possible punishment for it felt like an ominous warning from some higher power, like something was telling her you´re going into dangerous territory, you´re losing sight of what´s right. you´re gonna reach a point of no return if you go down this road. 

thankfully there was enough scenery around to distract herself with, so for a while you both just watched the endless stretch of land that reached til the horizon until you agreed to find a place to stop and eat a proper meal, since it was already afternoon and you´d hardly eaten more than a few snacks here and there. you were in no place to be picky so you settled on a diner that had fairly enthusiastic reviews online and to your surprise the spot where it was located was beautiful, a few stores in the middle of nowhere surrounded by lush greenery, a white church and a few houses in the distance down the road. during the meal neither of you talked much because you were truly starved, sitting there across from each other in a cherry-colored booth, switching between devouring your food and downing multiple glasses of sweet tea, since the place was relying only on a small rusty fan to get some fresh air flowing. there was something deeply carnal about that moment, your tired and slightly overheated bodies getting a sudden rush of endorphins from the generously iced drinks and salty comfort food, the thick heavy air of the day hanging around you, you were both completely reduced to your senses and the moment almost had a dreamlike quality, something out of a film. 

neither of you were particularly bothered about eating in a clean manner, so you caught glimpses of the other person wiping their mouth against the back of their bare arm and it was a sight you couldn´t help but enjoy, seeing each other uninhibited in a way, watching someone indulging in a meal like that was not entirely devoid of eroticism: your lips glistening from the oil, your tongues licking up the juice that was left on them, deep breaths after particularly large bites. after you were done you both just sat there for a moment, before grinning at each other “god I needed that…” you said, running your hands through your hair while exhaling,“yeah I could tell”, she teased, you shoved her arm then “um excuse me, you also didn´t hold back there, miss”, she suppressed a grin and leaned back, closing her eyes for a moment, soaking up the last few moments of doing nothing before continuing the drive.

she told you that you could go wait outside if you wanted, after she got you to quit offering to pay and pushed you towards the door as she went to get the bill, so you stepped outside and took a look around, your attention immediately caught by a patch of wildflowers nearby. once you knelt down to run your fingers through the grass, admiring them from up close, you felt compelled to pick a few, so you were too lost in thought to realize when Tess came outside and approached you. she stood behind you and watched for a moment, endeared by the sight of you carefully choosing certain kinds of flowers, eventually speaking up “well isn´t that just sweet”, a clear hint of irony in there, a smugness to her expression as you turned your neck to look up at her. “oh fuck off, you don´t like flowers?”, she was standing with her hands in her back pockets, almost cocky the way she was eyeing you, “sure I do, but maybe not enough to do all that”, you turned back around then to finish the little bouquet you´d started, “or maybe you just know that your knees would give in if you tried to crouch down like this for more than a minute”, you felt a light shove to your back then, her shoe giving you a push forward that almost made you lose balance, “no I think my knees work just fine”, she said as you shook your head but secretly enjoyed it. “might wanna add some yellow to that” she said as she got down next to you and ripped a few honey colored flowers and placed them in your open palm “can´t just be blue and purple”, you smiled at her then, both of you still kneeling, “didn´t think you´d be the one to have an opinion on color palettes” you remarked as she got up again, brushing some dirt off her pants,“well, there´s a lot you don´t know about me”,  you got up too then, tying the flowers together with a few pieces of grass. “I know. it´s not easy getting information out of you”, you said as you both walked to the car again, a carefree nature to the way you were skipping down the street behind her, revived from the meal, she considered it “you´ve got a point, I´m not a very open person I guess”, you smiled, “well, we still have a day, we can work on that” she laughed, “so you´re trying to fix me now?”, you looked at her from across the car as you both stood in front of your sides of it, waiting a second before getting in,“no, just trying to figure you out”, an earnestness to that statement that made Tess feel uneasy, knowing that she was on thin ice, that you could catch a glimpse of something if you looked closely enough, but again, there was also the need to let you see it, to be reckless.

you decided to aim for two more hours of driving, which would mean that you´d reach the motel around 8, leaving you about 6 more hours to get through the next day. the sun had become less blinding by then, the light more golden, the shadows longer and it made everything around you look even more picturesque, you´d forgotten just how much you environment impacted you, after months of never leaving the city you could feel your body waking up again, desperately trying to soak up all the details, all the ways you were confronted with beauty you weren´t used to. 

you tried to come up with ways to pass the remaining time, eventually settling on trying to read Tess´s birth chart for her after having to convince her for 15 minutes to give you her birth time because she was skeptical about what the website might say about her, so then you just sat there picking and choosing which parts of the analysis to tell her, mostly reading the flattering parts out loud, adjectives like “determined, strong willed, pragmatic”, purposely skipping over the part that called a particular placement indicative of her being a “passionate lover, sometimes to a fault, not afraid of breaking taboos”, but taking note of it, smiling to yourself. you could tell that she was just pretending to find it silly, her expression gave away that it was nice to have you entertaining her with something lighthearted, it was comforting to her, your voice, your attempts to get her to laugh, which worked most of the time. a few times she looked over at you, the way your face was glowing in the orange light, and got hit by such a violent wave of affection that she kept the amount of times she did it limited. 

just as planned you, pulled into the parking lot of the motel around 8pm, both of you a little worn out and groggy, looking forward to the comfort of a bed. the first thing that you noticed was that the whole thing was painted a bright turquoise, it had faded a little over the years, an old timey charm to it, your best guess was that it had been built sometime in the 70s; there was a relatively large swimming pool in the middle of the court, a few plastic chairs outside of the floor level rooms, some guests sitting there smoking, a neon sign glowing in the setting sun, all of it more inviting than you´d expected, nothing fancy but a place that seemed ideal for one night. 

on the way inside both you and Tess pointed out certain details about the place to each other and complained about your sore muscles, groaning from the weight of your bags until you reached the reception, putting them down on the floor for a second as a young worker with a bright toothpaste-ad-smile greeted you so enthusiastically that you both needed a moment to gather your thoughts. Tess leaned on the counter as he looked at the computer to see which rooms were available, apparently you´d lucked out and came at a time where at least five were vacant, he turned to look at you again, and asked “so, is a room with two singles fine?”, which confused both of you for a second as you thought why the fuck wouldn´t that be fine? that´s exactly what we´re looking for?.

but then it dawned on you: you absolutely did not look like mother and daughter. he was trying to signal to you that he wouldn´t mind if you wanted a room with a double bed instead, he was saying that he wouldn´t be shocked by you two being a couple. as you realized this you turned your head away for a moment, stifling a laugh, while Tess was gripped by a white hot panic and quickly told him “yes that´s perfect! thank you!”, in an uncharacteristically high pitched tone. it was hilarious to you but not to her, you watched her face as he slid the keys to your room over the reception counter and wished you a good night, telling you to come back if anything wasn´t to your liking, Tess just walked away without answering, so you gave him a very polite “thank you so much!”. you could hear Tess muttering “Jesus Christ.” under her breath as she led the way down the hallway, clearly still unsettled by the previous exchange , which contrasted your own reaction, the delicious thrill you got out of it, that a stranger didn´t think it impossible for you to belong together. 

once Tess opened the door you both tentatively walked in, gauging the state of the room but there was nothing to complain about; the beds were both big enough to fit two, the sheets had quilted throw blankets over them with a rustic flower print, the walls were all wood paneled, the floor carpeted the same way it had been in the lobby, an old tv and an armchair pushed against the wall facing the beds, to others it might have looked like a room where people went to get killed in slasher flicks but you both liked the feeling of back transported back in time, the dusty smell, the muted color palette, it was more soothing to you than a brand new, sterile room.

“which one?” Tess asked, pointing at the beds, giving you a choice, so you picked the one next to the bathroom door, flinging yourself  down onto it face first in a dramatic fashion, arms spread out, legs dangling over the edge, she smiled, setting down her stuff next to her bed, near the door that opened to a little terrace near the pool, since you were located on the ground floor. she pushed it open a little to let some fresh air in and got some clothes out of her bag, “I need a shower” she announced, “yeah me too. but you go first” you said, still laying there, the exhaustion of the day catching up with you.

as you heard the water of the shower turning on you tried your best not to imagine how she´d undressed, how she would look getting into the shower, how her eyes would close once the hot stream hit her face, you tried not to imagine how her back would look with water drops run down her spine, you tried not to imagine her whole body flushing from the heat, you tried but failed, so instead of just laying there you found ways to occupy your mind with other things: unpacking, taking your shoes off, taking a look outside the window, stepping onto the terrace for a moment, still, the sound of the shower kept forcing images into your mind that made you feel defenseless and exposed in your longing. 

after about ten minutes Tess stepped out of the bathroom and found you sitting on your bed, scrolling on your phone, until you looked up and had to mask your feeling of awe, she looked even more attractive to you then than before; her hair had gotten a little damp and fell down her face in beautiful waves, her face looked youthful and glowy, she´d gotten dressed in shorts that were cut off right above the knee and a white tank top, since the heat had gotten more intense and humid the further south you´d traveled that day, and to make things worse the scent of her shower gel was streaming in through the bathroom door and it was an intoxicating mix of something creamy and musky, you breathed in deeply, feeling a tingling sensation all over your skin. 

she caught something in your look even though you were subtle, but she let it go, interrupting your thoughts “so, what should we do once you´re done freshening up?” you considered it, putting your phone down as she also went to go sit on her bed, “we should get a drink” you decided, “I mean, there´s that bar right across the street and I doubt there´s much else to do around here”, she looked at you then, “I don´t know if your dad would love the idea of me buying you drinks”, you wanted her to forget about him, about the sense of responsibility that she felt weighing on her, so you were insistent, “well he isn´t here, is he?...” a distinct sense of urgency to the way you said it, she could tell you weren´t happy about her bringing him up, and she could take a wild guess as to why. Tess couldn´t really argue with your logic and besides she liked the idea of unwinding like that after driving all day so she nodded, “alright. one drink”, “two” you responded, a grin, she laughed then “so, we´re negotiating now, are we?”. 

the shower woke you up and revived your spirits, you stepped out feeling ready to move around and talk again and as you walked back into the room Tess had thoughts that weren't dissimilar to the ones you´d had about her before, but she was better at hiding it, a brief look was all she allowed herself before she turned her attention back to collecting the keys and her wallet before waving you out of the door before her, forcing her gaze to remain cast to the floor until you weren´t in close proximity anymore, she knew looking at your neck from up close would have been a bad idea.

the sky had turned a muted light blue, sunset was approaching, and you could both feel the eyes of a few other guests who were hanging around by the pool following you as you made your way towards the street, you could tell that it wasn´t judgment but something like intrigue, both you and Tess realized that you made a rather striking duo, which gave you a boost of confidence, or maybe even cockiness, as you left the motel behind and approached your destination. the bar had a distinctly timeless look, it was the archetype of an american bar, a flag waving in the wind, about four different neon signs buzzing in the windows, the image of a blonde woman in leather gear on a bike spray painted onto one of the walls, lettering beneath that read “ride or die”, a few trucks and bikes parked nearby, a few metal trash cans and a bench near the back exit. “ever been to a place like this?” Tess asked as she held the door open for you, “no never” you said, “well, i´ve seen much worse, i think this should be fine” she mused as she followed you in. 

the room was spacious, there were about ten booths in a row alongside the wall to your right, a bar and a line of chairs all the way down the counter in your direct line of sight, a few pool tables and something that looked like a jukebox further back, a few different sources of light including multiple red lamps that gave the room a slightly sleazy feel. “what are you drinking?” you asked as you both approached the bar where two couples were talking to the bartender who all seemed to know each other, “hm, I doubt we´ll have much of a menu to pick from” you nodded, “right. how about you order for us, I´ll have what you´re having i am not picky”, you didn´t feel like awkwardly standing there next to her while waiting to be served so you went to choose a table, settling on a booth towards the back of the room, and from where you were sitting you could see Tess talking to the bartender, he was around her age and very obviously took a liking to her, he laughed a lot while she was talking, almost an obnoxious amount, keeping his eyes on her as he poured the drinks, seemingly starved for some pleasant chatting, and you couldn´t really blame him for being easily charmed by her because you were in the same place. 

after a few minutes she set two glasses down on the table and sat down opposite you, “okay, he was going on and on about how he makes the best old fashioned around, something about a special ingredient, so here you go”. you took one of the glasses and had a sip, nodding as you set it down again “not bad, but then again I am fairly easy to impress after the shit I´ve had to drink in college”, she smiled before drinking a good amount, “he liked you” you said while searching her face for a reaction, keeping your eyes on hers, but she didn´t seem to care much “well..good for him”, something about the way you´d said it made her suspect that you didn´t love the idea of other people hitting on her, which was an endearing thought, you getting a little possessive even though you hadn´t even spent a full day together. 

you both enjoyed the sensation of the cool glasses in your hands, soaking up the atmosphere, a vaguely familiar song playing over the speakers, the faint smell of cigarettes and old leather seats that wasn´t entirely unpleasant, you could both imagine people who lived nearby spending their nights there after a hard day at work, letting go of whatever was going on outside, because it kind of applied to you too. as you traced the rim of the glass with your index finger, spaced out, you could feel all the stress from the months before trying to leave your body at once, a deep exhale as you realized how far away from everything you were all of a sudden. Tess was leaning her head on her hand, watching you intently, a smile forming as she could basically see the thoughts swirling around in your head, “wanna tell me what you´re thinking, or no?”, she was being gentle with it, trying to coax you out of your shell instead of demanding answers, you came back to the present moment then and met her eyes, debating whether or not to tell her, but it felt good to be offered a space to express your deeper feelings, so you took another sip before asking, “can I be honest for a second?”, she nodded, “you can also do it for more than a second”, putting her arms on the table then, sitting upright, signaling that you had her full attention. “alright, well. I usually don´t really like to talk about this stuff with people because they either panic or give me pity, but I have a sense you won´t, so if I am being real with you, the past few months weren´t great. the whole second semester honestly, it all felt.. empty in a way? if that´s the right word. I did my work and went to class and whatever but other than that I didn´t do much at all, just didn´t feel like it. last year a friend of mine who was a grade above me graduated and since then I´ve kind of just been.. floating I guess. nothing really excites me, and it sounds ungrateful maybe, but I wish there was more to my life. there is this constant feeling of “is this all?”. I don´t know if that makes sense but yeah.. I am kind of glad I´m on a break now, it was about time. today was honestly the first good day I´ve had in a while…”.

Tess was´t exactly shocked, it wasn´t anything too out of the ordinary, but still, she did feel affected by the idea of you struggling with your frustrations on your own, she could see the way you were holding yourself as you spoke about it, your shoulders hunched, your eyes less bright than before, your hands nervously fidgeting with the orange peel in your drink. she leaned back as she spoke, partly to fight off the urge to reach out and touch you, your hand, your cheek, “no I get that, that feeling of wishing things were more exciting. you know, this might be a good moment to mention that I was a student advisor for a while in my early 30s”, that caught you off guard, “really??” a hint of a smile on your face as you processed the information, the image of her talking to people your age about their issues flashing in your mind. she nodded, “hmm, by far not the worst job I had”, you leaned forward then, your hands folded, your head resting on them, “well, advise me then” you said, a slightly flirtatious undertone that didn´t escape her. 

she thought for a second, “you know, I think what you said applies to about every other person your age. this might not be the encouragement you´re looking for but I think your 20s are kind of meant to be a shit show. mine sure as hell were, and I would honestly be more disturbed if you told me that everything´s perfect. I mean within reason of course, there are things that require intervention, but I doubt you´re the type to actually fall off, you´ll be fine trust me. you´re not the kind of person I´d have been worried about back then”, it worked. her honesty and lack of sentimentality about the whole thing made you feel much better than any bullshit “just change your mindset, just think positively! practice gratitude!” response ever could have. she was refreshingly calm, there was an ease about her that was comforting to be around, that was helping you relax, usually you felt like you had to shoulder everything on your own but around her it felt natural, to let yourself be more vulnerable for once. 

“you´re good at this” you said, grinning as you felt your worries fading, the enthusiasm about being with her taking over again, and it pleased her, seeing her effect, she downed the rest of her drink and smiled after putting the glass down “I try”, a moment of silence before she added “but you´re okay  right now, yeah?” making sure, and you wanted her to know that you were genuinely enjoying your time with her, so you quickly said “oh yeah, as I said today was really nice. I guess this would be a good time to say thank you, for doing all of this” Tess was still horrible at accepting praise “oh no need to thank me, you´re good company, the time flew by” the first explicit acknowledgement of her affection towards you, which made your face glow a little then. 

“I can listen too by the way, anything you wanna get off your chest?”, you offered, watching her getting more comfortable, crossing one leg over the other, “I mean, not really, but ask away if there´s anything you´re dying to know” she answered, challenging you in a way, the ball was in your court, and for a moment you considered asking something innocuous, but you thought why not just take the chance and ask what I actually want to know, so you tried to sound as casual as possible as you asked “is there someone waiting for you back home?”. she didn´t expect you to get right to the point but she respected it in a way, that you weren´t wasting time with boring questions, “do you think I´d be using my vacation days to go visit your father if there was someone in my life?” you shrugged, “I don´t know”, she shook her head, “no, I mean bless him but my friendship has its limits” you smiled, the relief of her not being taken a little too visible in your expression, “okay. so what do you do in your free time then, if nobody´s around to keep you busy”.

“hm. I don´t know, there´s not much to boast of, I am honestly pretty boring. middle age will do that to you”, you laughed then, “oh come on, I don´t believe that! I think you just don´t wanna tell me anything. but then again, makes sense that you don´t have much personal drama going on, I doubt anyone would try to mess with you”, she squinted her eyes at you, “what´s that supposed to mean?”, “well, you give off a very strong don´t fuck with me vibe”, she laughed too then, “okay I´ll try to take that as a compliment”, “it was meant as one. I mean I benefited from it the whole day, didn´t worry once about some freak coming up to me because i knew you´d take care of it”, that did make her feel satisfied then, to know that you felt safe in her shadow, “good. but I guess it does also scare people off sometimes” you could read in her expression that she might sometimes wish that she was softer, more inviting, “not the right ones” you responded a little too quickly, weight to the words, a seriousness. she looked at you and something passed between you, about ten seconds of you just wordlessly sitting there, thinking similar things, unwilling to say any of them, but you didn´t have to, over the day you´d both gotten good at filling in the other´s silences, reading certain looks. the mix of it being rather late, both feeling a slight buzz from the drink, the dim warm light, the feeling of almost having broken down the barrier between you all the way, the intimacy of sitting there like that, it could have led to something then, if you hadn´t caught yourself staring at her way too softly and forced yourself to look somewhere else before it was too late, Tess clearing her throat and adjusting her hair to distract herself from what had just happened between you. 

your gaze landed on the pool tables behind you, “do you know how to play?” you asked, changing the subject, “sure, I mean it´s been ages but I believe the muscle memory´s still there”. 

“I´ve never played it”, she was a little stunned then “never?? damn what are young people doing these days”, you shrugged, “guess we are too busy vaping and being on our phones”, a dramatic delivery, she didn´t give you a laugh but a look that said okay, very funny. “I mean, you could try right now”, you were almost a little shy then, she could tell and it was amusing to her, “oh come on, it´s just a stick and some balls, I think you can manage'', so you agreed “okay sure, why not. you´ll look fucking perfect next to me, so good for you I guess”, she shook her head as you both abandoned your seats and walked over, “ever heard of having fun? this isn´t gonna be an exam sweetheart”, the pet name hanging in the air and forcing a bit of color to your cheeks as you went over to one of the empty tables with her, running your hands along the old wood, the green surface, taking a good look at it as Tess excused herself for a moment, going over to the bar and promptly returning with two shot glasses in her hand, a grin on her face as she handed it to you, a carefree youthfulness to her demeanor all of a sudden, “here, drink this, loosen up a little” so you did, washing down whatever it was that she´d ordered, the burn of it making you cough for a second “jesus”. “so” she said, handing you the poll, “show me how you think you should hold it, let´s see what we´re working with here”, you tried to conjure up the images of people you´d seen playing and tried your best to mimic the pose, leaning forward. 

even though you weren´t looking directly at her, you could tell she was stifling a laugh, so you shot her a glare, “oh that´s very encouraging, I told you I´ve never done this”, she stepped closer then, visibly amused by your defensiveness, “well you could have been a natural but.. guess not”.

you were standing again by that point, “are you just gonna laugh at me or give me some actual tips?”, “right, okay, so that angle won´t work, it has to be lower and your hand has to be..” she knew that verbal instructions weren´t great, but she was trying her best to avoid the inevitable: going up and touching you to adjust your technique, since she knew how horrible of an idea it was to get that close to you, how hard it would be for her to keep the very small amount of restraint she had left in her intact, when sitting across from you had already made her feel insane. looking at you standing there, your skin glowing slightly pink from the light behind you, she knew that going over and getting in your personal space was about the last thing she should do, “the angle? what the fuck do you mean” you said, clearly confused, waiting for her to be more helpful, so after another moment of hesitation she thought  fuck it. I´ll just do it quickly, I won´t linger.

“do what you just did” she instructed as she approached you, so you did, still unaware of how close she´d get, you thought she´d just stand there and tell you what to change but then you could feel her presence right behind you and before you knew it she was pressed against you. the moment she touched you, any coherent thought left your mind and you were left trying to process all the physical sensations: her long hair falling down your shoulder, her face near yours, her deep voice mere inches from your ear, the front of her calves brushing against the backside of yours, and worst of all: her hand, her fingers adjusting yours, gently moving them into the correct position. suddenly, the whole room was a void to you, nothing around you registered anymore, your entire being was completely wrapped up in her impact and all of it made it nearly impossible to process what was being said.

“like this, okay?” she said as she could feel the shift in your physique, the way you seemed frozen under her, seemingly afraid but she knew it wasn´t fear, so despite what she told herself, she drew it out, staying like that for a moment too long, breathing in your scent, feeling your arm against hers, the warmth that your bodies were exchanging. for a moment she couldn´t help but savor the feeling of having that effect on you, against her better judgment she let herself feel the thrill of leaning over you like that until she came back to her senses and realized what she was doing, how her mind had made the jump to other situations where she´d be behind you like that, so to your disappointment she eventually let go. “okay, other than that I think it should be fairly easy”, and it was, for a while you both took turns, immediately making fun of the other one if they had a bad shot, silently mouthing along to the lyrics of the songs that were playing over the speakers that you recognized, a slightly awkward silence when it was a particularly romantic one. 

it was a nice and back and forth because both of you could feel the other´s charged gaze whenever it was your turn, you might or might not have done certain things on purpose, like bending your neck a certain way, biting your lip, pulling your shirt down so she would have a better view of your chest, if she dared to look, which to her own frustration she did, again and again, but you weren´t any better at self control, each time it was her turn you tried your best not to gawk her at her but she looked beautiful, her arms being the focus of the game was not ideal for keeping your pull towards her at bay. 

just as you were getting done with your last shot of the game, a young waitress came by to set down a drink in front of you, before you could finish the sentence “um sorry, I didn´t-”. she pointed down the room “it´s from the table over there”. you looked to where she´d directed your gaze and saw a group of three guys that seemed to be in their late 20s smiling at you a little too enthusiastically. “oh god no..” you uttered as you realized that they´d bought you the drink. they weren´t being too creepy about it but you hated the idea of having been observed without your knowledge, and you really didn´t want anyone to interrupt what you and Tess had going on, so you asked her “oh god, do you think they were watching us the entire time?” as you gave them a mild smile and looked away again, moving closer to her instinctively, “well if anything they were watching you”, she said, a mix of protectiveness and pride bubbling up in her, the former because she could tell you didn´t enjoy the attention you were getting, the latter because she thought tough luck guys, she´s more into me, which shocked her for a second, her sudden feeling of she´s mine, the way it went against everything she´d told herself about remaining detached. 

you got an idea then, “let´s leave” you said, as you reached for the drink that did look pretty good. without thinking twice you started guloing it down and when Tess realized you were trying to drink the whole thing at once she nudged you in the side “hey easy there”, but you were already finished by then, setting down the glass and exhaling in a slightly pained manner, she shook her head in disbelief, “are you trying to make yourself sick??” but you just smiled at her, a flicker of mischief in your eyes, and pulled her arm to make her follow you out, “I don´t feel like being watched any longer but didn´t wanna waste it, come”, so she let you drag her out, a smile on her face as she felt your fingers wrapped around her wrist.

by that time it had gotten dark and breeze that hit you as you stepped outside made you both sigh simultaneously, the parking lot was empty, it was just you and the intense atmosphere of a night out in the country and as you started walking you could feel the buzz of the drink you´d just downed getting to your head, so without asking first you steadied yourself against her, linking arms, feeling her slowing down her walk so you wouldn´t trip. after a while you realized just how comfortable you´d gotten with her, that you were acting the way you´d act with a close friend or a date, so once you´d crossed the street together you stepped away a little self consciously, but she didn´t mind, in fact, she almost reached for you to pull you back because she really enjoyed being held onto like that, but for what felt like the hundredth time that day she kept her hands to herself, clearly worn down from the constant effort of keeping suppressing her instincts, less and less willing to keep doing it. part of her was ready to just do what was wrong already. part of her was only waiting for it, the disaster, the point of no return. 

as you saw the pool that had been lit up by then, the delicious icey color that made the water look inviting, you got an idea, “let´s cool down for a second, come on!” you urged her, “you wanna get in with your clothes on?...” she asked, wondering if she was understanding you right, but that wasn´t the plan, you weren´t in the mood to shower again, “no let´s just put our legs in for a moment”, your voice giving away that you were slightly tipsy as you walked over to the edge of the pool and sat down, submerging your legs in the water until it reached up to right under your knee, the smell of chlorine weirdly nostalgic, transporting you back to carefree summer days as a kid.

“yeah this is nice, come” you said, waving her over impatiently as she still stood a few feet away, watching you, but eventually she gave in and got down next to you, consciously leaving a space about the width of a hand between your thighs. 

the air was finally bearable, still warm but not too humid, it was an idyllic moment, a deep silence you never could have experienced in the city, nobody around, the feeling of the gentle waves against your shins, it lent itself to introspection so for a moment you both just watched your legs as you moved them around a bit, accidentally touching underwater a few times but acting like nothing had happened. eventually you broke the silence, “kind of a shame that we´re gonna be home tomorrow already. I´m having fun”, of course Tess felt the same way but she wasn´t just gonna say that, not too fast, so after waiting for an answer that wouldn´t come you joked.“you know, now would be a good moment to tell me that you feel the same way”, which made her laugh, “I do, of course. this has been nice”, you turned to her then, “well that didn´t sound very enthusiastic, you can do better”, she smiled and turned to face you, “what do you want me to say, hm?” , you leaned closer then, a dramatic tone as you said “oh I don´t know, maybe that you´re obsessed with me, that you´re having the time of your life, that you wanna spend weeks and weeks with me, that I am the best traveling partner you´ve ever had”. 

she couldn´t believe how bold you were being, fixing you with a questioning look, “okay you´re drunk, aren´t you?”, you shook your head, protesting, “no”, “okay got it, you want me to blow up your ego a little, huh?”, she tried her best to divert attention from the fact that your exaggerated remarks weren´t too far off from what she actually felt about you. you shrugged, “sure yeah”, clearly wanting something else from her, she shook her head, “you´re not what I expected at all”, “right, let me guess, my dad advertised me as his perfect little angel baby” she grinned then, realizing that you knew exactly how he talked in your absence, “sort of yeah”, “do you wish I was more like that?”, you asked, she cocked her head then, giving a look that said, of course not, “no. would´ve been pretty lame”, you were pleased by that answer and leaned back, your back against the stone floor with your legs still dangling in the water, “oh damn” you said, as you saw the dazzling night sky, the lack of light pollution making it a thousand times more visible than you were used to, “look!” you told her, pointing up, so she tiled her head, “oh wow, that´s fucking beautiful.”, Tess couldn´t remember the last time she´d bothered to look up at the night sky and it struck her then that the whole day you´d succeeded in making her wake up to the world around her again, Tess wasn´t used to sudden rushes of excitement and joy anymore, she´d given up on that a long time ago, but there you were, again, waking parts of her up that had been dormant for a while, a genuine warm smile on her face that others in her life very rarely got to see.

laying down you closed your eyes, stretching your arms out and feeling your chest rising and falling as you took slow deep breaths. Tess remained sitting upright, for a second she also closed her eyes, but then she glanced down at you, your peaceful expression, and thought if she was my girlfriend I´d lean down and kiss her right now, just to see her reaction, she could visualize it perfectly, an initial moment of surprise followed by you smiling against her lips, she knew she couldn´t do it, but she thought of another way to get your attention back, so after about a minute of drifting off into a state of deep relaxation you were startled out of it by the sudden feeling of water hitting your face, cold drops splattered all over your cheeks and forehead. 

you opened your eyes and shot up while muttering “what the fuck??”, and the moment you laid eyes on Tess, her smug grin, you realized what had happened, “just making sure you´re not falling asleep there” she said, eyeing you, clearly amused by your reaction, so you got the sudden urge to do something to her too, thinking I´ll push her in, but she was too fast, she saw the thought forming, so the moment you lunged forward and tried to force her into the pool she grabbed your shoulders to push you back, which left you two in a struggle for power, one that she was clearly winning, her grip way too strong. you tried to muster up some force but you were clearly weaker than her, and something about it was thrilling, the proof of her strength, and it registered, she could tell that you took some sort of pleasure out of being handled like that, so neither of you let go, your faces barely a few inches apart as your fingers dug into the other person´s skin, you kept staring at each other and all of a sudden something like fear flickered through both of your eyes, because you felt it like electric currents, the rising tension between your bodies, the heat; she caught you looking back and forth between her lips and eyes, you saw her leaning forward a little and eventually you could feel each other´s breath as your touch slowly turned form forceful to gentle, your muscles not flexed anymore but you hands still where you´d grabbed each other. you almost pushed yourself to close the remaining distance then, you were so close, but then a door slammed shut nearby and abruptly shocked you both into letting go of each other, coughing nervously, adjusting your clothes, listening to the footsteps of the person who had just walked out until they were gone.

Tess was the first to get up, mumbling something along the lines of “yeah uh, it´s late let´s go inside”, while you kept sitting there for a beat longer, cursing the person who had walked out because you knew you wouldn´t just get a chance like that again, you could tell she was spooked, so if anything were to happen, you´d have to initiate it, you knew this and it frustrated you. once you walked inside the room you saw her rooting around in her back, neither of you knew how to continue after all that, so she took the easy way out, announcing “I´ll go get ready, brush my teeth get changed all that”, you just nodded, a quiet “okay” as she left you standing there. 

the moment that Tess shut the door behind herself she leaned back against it and put her hands over her face, breathing out like she´d just run a marathon, her heart still beating out of her chest, she was near paranoia at that point, wondering whether the timing of you being interrupted right at that moment was some final warning from a higher power, giving her one last chance to stop, to control herself. 

she knew she should have been grateful to get that chance, but she wasn´t, deep down she wished that things would have played out the way she wanted them to, the feeling of your breath against her lips was still burning on her skin and it was not going to stop until she´d feel it again, until she´d get to give you what you so clearly wanted from her. in an attempt to calm down she stepped towards the sink and splashed cold water on her face before changing into a loose tshirt and shorts with fabric thin enough to be bearable during summer nights. once she had nothing else to do in there she was dreading going back into the room because she had no idea what you´d do, what she´d do. it felt like she was walking into a trap: you and her in one room for the entire night. 

while she was going through all that you were trying to busy yourself, turning on the bedside lamps, shutting the curtains, eventually just sitting down and pretending to be busy on your phone until she walked back in again. you knew that was your cue to do what she´d just done so you said “yeah I´ll get ready too”, leaving her some space. you were quicker than her in there and less panicked, if anything you were frustrated because you were still so worked up from the image of her almost leaning in to kiss you, the thrill of that anticipation, and it made you feel determined then, staring at yourself in the mirror as you thought to yourself you´re gonna have to do it because she won´t. go back out there and finish what you started. she wants you to. so after a while you mustered up a good amount of confidence before walking back out again. 

what Tess did not realize was that she´d made a grave mistake by turning on the TV because with that she had given you the perfect excuse to sit down next to her, since her bed was the one directly facing it. if she´d just sat there reading a book or laying down, you would have had a much harder time finding a casual way to get close to her again, but the moment you saw that opening, you used it, walking over to her side of the room without even asking her if you could join her and sitting down on the right side of the bed, your back against the big pillow, your legs stretched out. she didn´t acknowledge it, she didn´t look at you or say anything, there was a clear effort on her part of acting chill but you could practically hear her blood rushing. sitting there, gauging the situation, you knew you´d have to be shameless because she wasn´t moving an inch, you´d have to break her, hit her weak spots, so in a first attempt to do that you moved your leg so it would touch hers, your knees making contact, she didn´t pull away but she also didn´t react, so you waited, your breath starting to get more shallow as you felt her skin against yours. Tess was frozen up because her mind was saying push her away, tell her to leave, make her go to her own bed but her instincts told her differently, so you went further, laying your hand on her leg, which sent a shock through her whole body and made her shake her head, finally speaking, her voice barely above a whisper, “we can´t…”, almost pleading with you then, which made you turn to her, waiting for her to look at you but she wouldn´t, so you stopped being subtle. 

after a moment of mustering up all of your courage, you got up and moved on top of her in one swift motion, your legs on either side of hers then, straddling her, trapping her, Tess´s hands were gripping the sheets to keep herself from touching you as you got comfortable and put your hands on her shoulder, staring at her with a fire in your eyes while she shut hers from the overwhelming sensation. “we really shouldn´t be doing this..” she said but you shut her up by leaning close to her neck, breathing against her skin, “I won´t tell a soul, I promise, I swear on my life”, you could feel her shuddering under you, so you made it even worse, moving your hand to hold her cheek as you whispered to her, “please Tess. please..” drawing out the words, a neediness in your voice that hit her right at her core. begging was the thing that always got her to her knees, so her will was completely broken by then. the feeling of your weight on top of her, your bare legs pressed against hers, your scent that awoke a visceral hunger in her, your relentless pursuit, all of it was driving her completely insane and the decision was already made, she was just drawing out the last few seconds where she could consider herself guiltless. the moment she heard you whining the word “please” again, no part of her was hesitant anymore; she let go of the sheets and grabbed your face to pull you down into a kiss.

you both kept your lips pressed against each other for a moment, prolonging the intense thrill of that first contact, before pulling back and kissing again, and again, and again, an erratic nature to it, her hands in your hair by then, and the most freeing thing about the moment was that neither of you tried to conceal your violent desperation because you could tell you were together in the feeling, you didn´t even try to stay quiet, moaning into each other´s mouths whenever you separated for a second, the sounds lower and mure guttural whenever they were trapped inside of you, a constant shifting of you on top of her, your hands on her chest to steady yourself as she pulled your face close, the kissing turning slower and sloppier the more time passed; the moment you felt her tongue against yours you were a mess and she could tell, you were moving against her thigh, not aggressively but there was a clear rocking of your hips and it turned her on even more, to feel you using her as she felt your tongue in her mouth, an almost perverse nature to how you were going about it then, sucking each others lips, licking over each other´s mouths, while you felt only the thin fabric of your shorts separating the ache between your legs from the muscle of her leg, which you were using to create friction, but Tess couldn´t just stay under you, she craved more, so eventually she put her strength to good use, pushing you to the space next to her on the bed and pulling your top over your head, throwing it to the floor and immediately grabbing your tits after, staring down at you in awe as you moaned from the sensation, “you´re so fucking pretty..” her voice even lower than usual, getting you even mor worked up.

she bent down to kiss your neck as she grabbed your hands to keep them at your sides, your fingers interlaced as she savored the feeling and scent of your skin, you could feel it with every kiss, how much she wanted you, how she was keeping herself from biting your flesh because she wanted to taste you that badly, it was turning your sounds even more desperate, the burn of her kisses all over your neck and throat as she moved down and let go of your hands to squeeze one of your tits as she ran her tongue over the other one, your hands on her back then, moving under the shirt that she still had on, scratching her a little as your nails dug in with the effort to hold on as she had her way sucking on the heavenly soft skin of your chest, surely leaving a few marks, switching between kissing and licking, fully lost in a haze of pure lust by then, there was no shame, nothing holding her back from taking what she wanted, from giving what you needed, in that moment you felt more present in your body than ever before, every breath left you feeling more alive, you could feel each of her fingertips leaving a deep impact where they rested on your body, you felt warm all over, not the usual kind of warm but the kind that spreads from your core out into every part of you, a visceral warmth, it was a type of arousal you weren´t familiar with, and she could tell, she was also lost in her need but she was more experienced, so she knew she´d have to take care of you right, which she was doing, you were blissed out by the feeling of her on top of you, her unrestrained claiming of your body as you pulled her shirt up and begged “please, I wanna feel you”, which made her undress too then. 

the moment she was topless you grabbed her face and pulled her down to feel her chest to chest, giving her a deep kiss as you felt her tits pressed against yours, a sensation that felt divine while making out, so for a moment you stayed like that, flush against each other as you continued the needy slow kissing from before, this is what it is supposed to feel like you thought because you knew you could do just that for hours and hours and still want more, you could feel her long hair falling down the sides of your face as you kissed and you loved that one feminine part of her, you´d admired her all day so in that moment it felt like a dream to get to feel her all over you like that, after a while she became impatient, she needed more, she wanted to please you as intensely as possible, so she moved down and helped you out of your shorts, leaving you exposed, her hands running over your thighs while admiring you, but before she could touch you the way she wanted to, you grabbed one of her hands and moved it to your face, your tongue running over her fingers before she went along with what you were doing and put her fingers in your mouth, your lips closing around them to suck on them, coating them in your spit, which was enough to almost make her black out then, her breathing all kinds of fucked up, interrupted by a moan, as you got lost in the sensation of having her in your mouth like that, a distinctly perverse feel to it that thrilled you both, “you´re a good girl, hm”, she breathed as you let go and made eye contact with her, which she held as she moved her hand between your legs to finally feel how wet you´d gotten, an involuntary “fuck..” as she felt your slick heat, you were soaked and she was getting off on it, the proof of your need for her.

at first she just moved her fingers between your aroused lips to savor the warm velvety feeling, the absolute mess that she was responsible for, a distinct whining sound from you as she did it, “you feel fucking perfect” she assured you, sensing that you needed more, she was careful then, watching your face closely as she moved up a bit, looking down at you as she pushed her middle and ring finger inside of you, a slight gasp from you, “okay?” she made sure, “yes, yes” you urged, a breathless tone, as you felt the initial burn subsiding, replaced by the pleasure of feeling her knuckle deep inside of you, she let you breathe through it for a moment before moving her fingers again, her free hand on the side of your face, which you leaned into as she fucked you the way she´d been dying to, the rythm slow and intense, a secure skilled nature to her movements, she knew what she was doing, she knew how to get you to lose yourself, fully, you felt an intense throbbing and pleasurable ache at your core, it spread through your whole body as you let out soft cries from the sensation, your hips moving up to meet her hand, she could have stared at you like that forever, the way your face twisted when she hit a certain spot, the control she had over your whole being in that moment, the needy whines that left your lips that made her unbearably soft for you, “you´re okay baby, I got you”, the baby slipped out, she usually never said it to hookups but you were different, she felt a deep affection for you, it made your lose your mind even more to hear her call you that while she was fucking you just right, her arm was strong so she wasn´t going to cramp up, a relentless pressure on the spot inside of you that was making you unravel, “fuck just like that don´t stop please” you uttered in a breathless tone, begging her to finish you off, your nails digging into her back as she leaned down and felt you struggling to kiss her back as she kept her fingers inside of you to angle them just right and push until you couldn´t handle it anymore, her own moans getting louder again as she felt your walls clenching around her fingers, your body exhausting itself with pleasure, “you´re close hm?” she cooed down at you, a weak nod as your head fell back against the pillow, your hair all messed up by that point, “you can cum sweetie, come on, show me how pretty you look”, her words were the final push you needed to surrender to the feeling that you were still trying to keep inside, but it was over, one more deliberate hard push from her fingers and you felt every single muscle inside of you tensing up, you´d had orgasms before but not like that, it was fully body, hot and close to a spiritual experience, your mind silenced by the intensity of your physical experience, she was completely in awe, staring at you, her free hand flat on your chest as she slowed down but didn´t stop yet, giving you a moment to ride out your high on her hand, eventually pulling her fingers out and hearing a whine as she did it, the sudden emptiness almost painful for a second. Tess left you a moment to breathe, to lay there, spent and flushed and still unable to think, savoring the aftershocks of the climax, the soreness that felt good, the little pains of sex that made it clear you´d had a good time. 

after a minute she caressed you, your stomach, your hips, drawing patterns with her finger as she asked “I wanna taste you so bad.. can I?”, you still sounded shaky as you nodded and said, “yes, I´ll be a fucking mess though”, she grinned as she grabbed your thighs and pushed them apart to get between them, “good, it suits you”, so you braced yourself for a good amount of over stimulation as she started kissing your inner thighs, biting down as she got further up because she knew nobody would see the indents her teeth left except you, she could tell that you were still weak so she held your legs in place with a firm grip as she got her face where she wanted it, at first just pushing her lips up against your cunt to coat them in your juices, before using her tongue to lick it all up, a filthiness that she loved, a hum of pleasure as she held you in place and licked all over your core in broad sloppy strokes, “fuck Tess” you whined, because you could tell you were gonna cum again if she didn´t stop, you were still raw and sensitive from before so it didn´t take much, her fingers dug into your flesh to keep you from moving away from her face as you failed miserably at keeping quiet as she sucked on your clit and made you finish against her lips, not as hard as before but still intensely, you were emptied of any strength by then, slack against the sheets as she also tried to catch her breath, wiping her mouth before moving to the empty space next to you and laying down too. 

for a moment it was perfect, she was still high on the feeling of you all over her, the echo of your sounds  fresh in her mind, your taste still all over her lips, but as her heart rate slowed down and her thoughts became clearer again the reality of her situation came crashing over her; she looked at you, the proof of what she´d done written all over your naked body, your face, and felt like the walls were gonna close in on her, so she got up, giving your leg a pat as she said “uh I need to-” stopping for a moment to breathe properly “I´ve gotta get some fresh air, I´ll be back in a second”. Tess picked her shirt up from the floor, pulled it over her head and walked outside. you could guess why she was acting that way, what she was thinking, so you decided to give her some space before going after her. 

as you laid there on your own, you knew you should have maybe felt a bit of remorse but you didn´t, at all, you smiled to yourself as you waited for you limbs to get less shaky and eventually got up, looking down at the red splotches that she´d left on your chest, on your thighs, tracing them with your finger before getting dressed and following her outside. 

once you walked out the cool night air hit your face and you saw her sitting at the table right next to your door, occupying one of the two plastic chairs, so you quietly approached and sat down opposite her, eyeing her as her gaze remained cast to the floor, her fingers tapping on the table, a nervous habit. you observed her for a moment before asking, “hey, you okay?” in a gentle tone, she still didn´t meet your eyes as she answered, “yeah I don´t know what the fuck is wrong with me. I really shouldn´t have done that”, you could tell that she was genuinely beating herself up so you said, “well, I initiated so-” but she shook her head and looked up at you then, “still, I should know better. I am responsible here”, you titled your head then, “Tess you know we are both grown right? you did nothing wrong”, she kept looking at you, her tone lower then, “he´d fucking kill me for this.” she said, plainly, a hint of fear in there, you knew of course who the “he” in question was, and it pissed you off, “he doesn´t own me.”. 

that surprised her, the seriousness and slight hint of anger with which you said that, it was not what she´d expected and you had more to say on the matter once you saw that you had her attention. “you know” you started, crossing your legs and leaning back, “I spent so much time of my life catering to other people´s needs, I went through some pretty horrible times without ever expecting much help or understanding, supporting others through their shit while I was also taking care of myself, so I think I deserve to go after what I want for once without crucifying myself for it. I have considered everyone else´s feelings often enough, I think it´s about time I look out for my own needs too. and I don´t wanna speak for you, but you also strike me as the type to deny yourself joy for some reason, some self-punishment thing maybe, I can tell because I have done that myself. so I mean this when I say it: we have nothing to feel bad for. this is our business, nobody else´s. and I for one wont apologize for being happy right now, because I am” she processed it, that impressive monolgue, your passionate plea for self determination, Tess cracked a smile then “damn. you´re pretty fucking wise” you shrugged, echoing what she´d said to you earlier, “I try” a pause then as she relaxed and felt the darker feelings leaving her system, replaced by the immense excitement she´d felt before, “you´re not a bad person and this doesn´t change that” you said, “okay?”, she nodded, trying to believe you which was made easier by your confidence, “okay.”. 

Tess realized then that she´d messed up by just leaving you there right after doing all that to you, she regretted it, that her conscience had gotten to her and that she´d missed out on the chance to hold you and lay there together, so she looked at you, endeared by the loving gaze you were watching her with and waved your over “come here” she said, smiling warmly, patting her lap, so you got up and walked over, hesitating a moment once you stood in front of her, so she pulled you down and wrapped her arms around your back to hold you in place, “you should know by now that I am strong enough to handle you”, you put your arms around her neck and smiled back at her, feeling her move one of her hands to your thigh, squeezing gently as you stared into each others eyes. “I´m sorry, I shouldn´t have left you there”, “oh it´s fine really, I can only think about what you did before that anyway” you said, running your fingers through her hair then and she looked all blissed out in that moment, she loved having you sitting on her, holding you close while you were being tender with her, “you´re so beautiful.” she said, an emotional tone, you could tell that she really meant it, so you leaned down to kiss her, a soft and romantic one, it was a dreamy moment, you were alone out there, an ideal temperature by that point, not cold but fresh, the sky still sparkling with stars, you both felt nothing but gratitude then, to be ending your day like that. 

you laughed then as you pulled back from the kiss, “god. I like you so fucking much. I don´t know what´s happening to me” which made her blush, “yeah me neither. I think I was close to passing out when you got on top of me” it came back to her in that moment, “oh yeah?” you liked hearing her talking about how she´d felt in that moment, she grinned, her hand caressing your thigh as she spoke “yeah, you got me good.”, “well you did too. but you know that, I wasn´t being very subtle about it…” you said, recalling how utterly desperate you´d sounded all throughout the act, “no need to be embarrassed, you sound hot”, you were the one blushing then, “stop” you said, looking away from her for a moment, “oh don´t act shy now, I know you´re not”, she teased, and she was right, with her you weren´t. you rested your head on her shoulder for a moment as she kept her arms wrapped tightly around your waist, before you both felt your limbs going numb, “okay, we should probably get some sleep”, Tess said, so you both walked back inside, not giving a fuck at all if anyone had seen you doing all that out there.

once you were back inside she could see you stopping in front of her bed, eyeing it like you were about to get in, “no, come on, we already did enough” she said while giving your back a light shove to move you away, “I won´t do anything, I´ll just lay there and sleep!”, you insisted, all sweet and innocent sounding, “I don´t believe you for a second” she responded, so you sulked a little as you walked over to your own bed and pulled up the blanket to get in.

“okay, have it your way. but you´re missing out” you told her from across the room as she smiled to herself, “I´m sure I am”. you both got comfortable and turned to face each other, resting on your pillows, arms over the blankets because it was too warm otherwise, your expression almost sad then, “oh don´t look at me like that” she pleaded, knowing that it would be a horrible idea to give into your wish, to allow intimacy like sleeping next to each other, she was already way too attached. you kept thinking about how you were dying to be held by her again and it was visible all over your face, so after a moment of silence and her staring at you, unable to free herself of the urge to reach out, she couldn´t deny you any longer, “alright, get over here”, which she didn´t have to say twice; it took about one second for you to hurry over and crawl under the covers that she was holding up for you, gesturing for you to get in. 

the moment you laid your head on her chest, she put her arm around your back to pull you closer, her other hand finding its way to your hair, gently running her fingers through it as you made a humming sound of pleasure, “better?”, she asked, a rhetorical question, “much better, and I know you agree” you said, a satisfied smile as you closed your eyes and relaxed into her. “can´t remember the last time I shared a bed with someone” you confessed, a moment of spontaneous honesty, “me neither” she felt like putting her cards on the table too, which was new, she´d hardly shared anything about her love life with you before but she wanted to make it clear that she was not used to it, being that close to someone. the moment was soft, quiet and sacred almost, after a long day of trying to figure each other out, trying to hold it all in, it was such a relief to have it all out in the open, laying there in each other´s arms, tired and content and aware that it was no small thing for either of you, to trust someone, to be vulnerable like that, after having gotten used to being on your own. your hand slid under her shirt and rested on her stomach as you both started getting drowsy and drifted off to sleep after you said a quiet “good night. sweet dreams” to each other. 

later that night you separated in your sleep, sprawled out on either side of the bed, legs and arms only half covered by the blanket, a deep peaceful sleep, which Tess only woke up from once, immediately putting her hand on your arm to feel your presence next to her while falling back asleep again. 

around 7 am Tess couldn´t sleep anymore because she usually got up around that time at home, so for a while she just laid there, enjoying the serenity of the early morning, the feeling of your body so close, until she became restless and quietly got up, careful not to wake you. she cracked the door open to let some fresh air in, stepping out to look at the cloudless sky, watching a few people smoking and drinking coffee outside of their rooms. around 7:30 she was dressed and sat down in the chair in the corner of the room to read but after rereading the same paragraph about three times because she wasn´t paying attention at all, she stopped lying to herself and did what she actually wanted to do: watching you sleep. 

she sat there looking at you, your peaceful expression, the way your body was twisted up in the bedsheets, your leg that was fully visible over the blanket because your shorts had hiked up during the night, your face resting on your hand as you slept on your side. it looked angelic to her, like a painting that some lovestruck artist had drawn of their girl; the way some light feel through the curtains and hit certain parts of your skin, your hair, she was trying hard to memorize every detail because she had no idea if and when she´d see you like that again. it almost made her laugh to herself then, just how deeply romantic she still was after years of not experiencing much romance at all, it didn´t matter, it was still there, her devoted nature, her desire for something all consuming and life changing. for the right person Tess was willing to bleed and ache and do the objectively wrong thing if it meant seeing them happy, seeing them well loved and healed by her affection in some way, even if it was just for a short while. nothing in the world was more important to her than feeling like she was actively making someone´s life a little easer and lighter, so seeing you in her bed, looking like you´d just gotten the best sleep of your life, it made her feel like she hadn´t done anything too unforgivable after all. 

around 9 am she knew she´d have to wake you up so you could get ready without being in a hurry, so she sat down on the edge of the bed and brushed a strand of hair out of your face, traced your nose with her index finger. when that didn´t wake you up, she shook your shoulder, gently, which finally made you stir and open your eyes, squinting them at first while you tried to recall where you were. “well hello sleeping beauty. you´re not a morning person, huh?” she said, smiling down at you as you came to your senses and shook your head, your voice slightly creaky as you said “no”, blindly reaching for her and placing your hand on her thigh as you closed your eyes again, “hey come on, no, you´ve gotta get up”, she said, touching your cheek, so you forced yourself awake, stretching your limbs out as you registered that she was already dressed and ready. “wait, how long have you been up?” you asked, propping yourself up on your elbows. “hm, like two hours?”, you looked at her then, “you should have woken me up”, “why? we don´t have to leave til like 10”, you smiled at her as you sat upright then, pulling her hand towards your legs which you´d moved onto her lap, “I wanna make use of all the time we have left together”, you could see a slight blush on her cheek then.

“just woke up and already flirting with me, huh?”, “yes, in fact I am. you look hot, I like this” you said, fingering the fabric of her button up shirt that she´d pushed up to her elbows, she didn´t say anything but stared at you in a way that made it clear that she enjoyed your shameless way of speaking to her, a contrast to all the subtext the day before, so she pulled you closer to kiss your cheek, feeling your arms around her waist as she did this, her lips moving to your neck for a second, getting a few soft sighs out of you that made her feel weak, like she should do more, but she pulled away just before a mark could form, taking in the satisfied look on your face before announcing, “okay, here´s the plan. we have to check out at 10:00, so I looked up places where we could get breakfast and I found this one that looks pretty good about 5 miles away. I think you could use some coffee hm?”. you nodded, moving your legs away from her and getting up from the bed, “yes sounds good, let me get ready, I´ll be quick”. 

after getting dressed you sat down at the small wooden table that had a mirror standing on it to take care of your hair and apply some skincare to your face, you could feel her eyes on your backside as you did this and it felt nice, to have someone silently observing your little morning rituals, to be witnessed by someone who clearly had a loving gaze directed at you. once you were done you joined her on her bed, “we still have 20 minutes” she said and for a moment you both just laid there, your bags packed, your room clean, nothing left to do. after a moment of comfortable silence, it hit both of you at the same time: the fact that you had no idea when you´d be together in private like that again; there was no clear answer as to when you´d share a room or a bed again, when you´d be free to do whatever you wanted again, so as you both turned to face each other, still untouched by any stress or exhaustion that the day might bring, your skin still sweatless and fresh, you both felt the need to touch each other, to do something, to use the bit of remaining time. 

you´d gotten very good very fast at reading each other´s expressions, so you knew she wanted you to when you reached over and slid your hand down her shorts, as she did the same thing to you, your arms touching where they crossed, both of you moving closer together to make it easier; it was very different from the night before, there was a slow sensuality to what you were doing, an intimacy that was pure in the sense that you just wanted to quickly make the other person feel good, no need to get undressed or make it a whole thing, a moment of desire that was comfortable and soft, relaxed positions while hearing the other person sigh and move their hips a little. you reached down each other´s underwear and started doing what you usually did when you masturbated, a laziness to it that lulled you into a state of arousal that was full body, intense but not violent or overwhelming. instinctively you started mirroring what she did, gentle movements at first, faint gasps from both of you, and it became a delicious game very quickly, to feel yourself growing hotter not just from the feeling of her fingers on you but the sounds that you were getting out of her, the sensations equally thrilling. Tess was obsessed with the way your lips parted, how head fell back, the way you needily pushed yourself against her hand, the way your sighs were slowly turning into moans, she could feel herself growing wetter just from that sight, it had been a while since someone had touched her like you were in that moment, so she was sensitive, an immediate throbbing sensation at her core the moment you increased the pressure of your fingers, matching the rhythm she was using on you then, a shared feeling of if i go harder, she´ll be louder, so you ended up pushing each other towards your orgasm at the same time, you didn´t even need to tell each other that you were about to finish because you could tell, your legs touching as you moved around more, finally tensing up as you came and felt the release tingling all over your body, a brief silence after you removed your hands from each other´s underwear and laid flat on your back, satisfied by the unexpected early morning action. 

eventually she got up and made a waving motion with her hand to signal to you to the same “okay, we should get going, get your stuff”, which seemed very typically Tess, following up a moment of vulnerability with a return to her stern giving orders vibe, but you didn´t mind at all, it was hot to you, her duality, the fact that she was so sweet to you but also had no problem bossing you around when she wanted to. you could still feel the heat between your legs as you moved to collect your bags and followed her out, a glow to you that was unusual, normally you looked mildly annoyed at that hour while walking to class, so it was a great contrast, to start your day on such a high.

the drive to the breakfast spot only took about fifteen minutes, which was a relief because you were both starving and in need of caffeine. you walked in ahead of Tess and were met by an older woman working there who reminded you of the women you´d grown up around, a cheerful demeanor, a thick accent and the immediate use of words like “ladies” while addressing you both, even though you definitely weren´t too ladylike, especially not Tess. it was an intriguing thing for her to see you talking to the woman as she assigned you both a table, the way you immediately slipped into a different vocabulary, the way she treated you like a sweet daughter of hers even though you were strangers. 

all Tess could think in that moment was if you only knew that she just jerked me off, a smugness to it, she liked that it wasn´t obvious at all to people what you were to each other, there was something undeniably sexy about being a secret thing. 

after you sat down across from each other there was a moment of silence and it was distinctly different to the kind that had hung between you the day before, it was comfortable and warm instead of apprehensive and charged, the kind that signals to onlookers oh yeah they know each other well, no awkwardness at all. after you ordered a good amount of breakfast foods to share and sat there waiting, you asked, “so, how long are you staying again?”. “two weeks. and I am so fucking glad right now that I declined your dads offer to stay at your guys´s place” she said, leaning back and crossing her arms, “well I´m not.” you said, which made her laugh.

“where are you staying then?”, you inquired, “at a friends place, she and her husband are out of town for a while, I am house sitting in a way” you pondered that, “hm right. you should give me the address”, “should I? so you can do what, come over at night?”, you shrugged, “maybe, yes, I´ll say I am going to a friends house”, “hm, I´ll think about it”, she said, but you both knew she´d tell you of course. 

“do you and dad have any plans?” you asked while keeping your hands busy with a paper napkin, absentmindedly ripping small pieces off. “kind of, we´ll go visit our college town one day I think, see how it´s holding up, visit old landmarks of our youth, all that sentimental stuff. other than that not much, guess we´ll see how it plays out. and you?” she said, leaning her head on her hand then, eyeing your curiously, “what about me?”. “you know, what are you gonna do with all your free time when we´re gone”, she asked, you thought about it, “god I don´t know. relax, sleep, go to this cafe I used to basically live in when I still lived at home. oh and I think my best friend from high school is coming back in a few days, so I guess we´ll hang out a bit”, that got her attention then, for some reason she imagined some beautiful prom queen type, luscious hair a bright smile, someone striking and charismatic, “best friend?” she probed, her tone low and a question hidden in there she wouldn´t explicitly ask, which you clocked of course and found charming, her inability to hide that she was the jealous type. “yes, best friend. she´s straight. besides, even if she wasn´t, not my type”, she relaxed a little because she could tell you weren´t lying, “right, a little too young for you, hm?” a cocky grin on her face as she said this, your sudden expression of shock giving away that she´d gotten you good with that one, you shook your head, “unbelievable..”, but you weren´t really offended, it felt good to be messed with. 

once the coffee and food were spread out before you, you both stopped talking as you were busy deciding what to indulge in first, you went for the waffles, she went for the pancakes that were generously topped off with chocolate chips and strawberries, a stark contrast to her usual first meal of the day which she hardly ever put much effort into. the thick syrup you poured over the waffles was running down the sides of them and pooling up so you used your finger to clean the plate, licking it off without thinking twice, but after a moment you could tell that Tess had stopped eating and just sat there looking at you, your mouth, you pretended you didn´t notice and decided to fuck with her a little, drawing it out, making it pretty obscene, the way you ran your tongue over your index finger, repeating it once you got the rest of the excess syrup off the edge of your plate; Tess was not subtle with her staring because it stirred something in her, the sight of fingers in your mouth, out of nowhere you felt a pretty hard kick to your legs under the table which made you stop and say “ouch?? what the fuck?”.

“I could ask you the same thing, we´re in public, you´re being mean” she said, “mean?” you said, raising your eyebrows, “yes, you know I can´t do shit right now”, you smiled at her then, pretending you didn´t know what she meant, “and what is it that you wanna do so badly?”, her eyes were still fixed on you, “how about you keep eating instead of giving me hell, could you do that?”, pointing at your cutlery, “sure.” you said, acting all nonchalant, drinking some of the orange juice and grabbing a strawberry from her plate as her demeanor relaxed again, “god..” she uttered under her breath as she picked up her fork again.

“oh by the way, you know you won´t get around at least one dinner with him and me right? he´ll insist”, you said,“yeah I know. should be interesting… I´ll just pretend you have an identical twin sister who is sitting at the table with us instead of you”, you laughed then, “sure, whatever works for you”. 

once you were done eating you sat there for a few more minutes, chatting, until you knew it was time to get back on the road. the hours that day predictably passed way faster than the day before, the way they always do when you´re starting to reach the peak of having fun and lose track of time. the first hour went by in a flash, the second was mostly spent telling stories about your lives that might amuse the other person, she of course had more years to choose from than you but you still found a good amount of stories from your adolescence that entertained her, neither of you had talked that much and that openly to someone in what felt like years, so you never ran out of things to say and never got bored, eager to connect and know more, even the seemingly irrelevant details about your lives.your bond seemed solid by that point, even though you´d only met the day before. two and a half hours into your drive the midday sun was beating down on the car and the open windows didn´t help much, so you decided to stop for gas and get some snacks and drinks, planning on a half hour break to cool off and regain some energy. 

once you were inside the station, you pulled her towards the back where people could get slushies, at least 10 different flavors to choose from, which didn´t seem like a bad idea to you in that moment. “oh I haven´t had one of these in ages, let´s get some”, she looked at you as you both stood there, “sweetie you know this is literally just sugar and food coloring right? like this is a fucking nightmare for your body”, you rolled your eyes at her, “jesus Tess, I didn´t take you for a health freak”.

“I don´t think it´s a health freak thing to not wanna rot your teeth”, you shoved her in the side then, “oh come on, live a little, you know sometimes the nasty stuff hits the spot”, she grinned then which made you register double entendre there, “oh fuck off just come here and choose, it won´t kill you”, so she gave in “okay okay, let me see”. you took a cup and handed her one too, “we should mix flavors I think, I remember that being good. I´ll do cherry and coke I think, classic. you?”, “hmm, I´ll do blue raspberry and coke”. 

after you walked back outside you sat down on the hood of her car, thankfully on your own, taking your first sips at the same time. “okay you´re right this does feel good” she admitted, immediately drinking more, savoring the feeling of the ice melting in her mouth, the sweetness giving her a rush while you just watched her, pleased with the sight of her all absorbed in the drink. after a moment of silence you asked, “wanna try mine?”, leaning over before she could answer, the distinct taste of artificial cherry transferred directly onto her tongue as you gave her a deep kiss, making sure she´d feel the residue of your drink, a quiet moan trapped in her throat as she felt your cold lips against hers, a distinctly youthful feel to it, using the excuse of tasting all the options as an excuse to kiss, to touch tongues, it was pure bliss for a moment, the warmth of the sun contrasted by the freezing drinks in your hands, your sloppy display of affection, the uninhibited nature of your desire for her, a sly grin on your face after you pulled back and licked your swollen lips clean, watching her use her hand to wipe hers while she shook her head and laughed to herself, her face flushed. “god what the fuck am I gonna do..” she said in an existential tone, looking over at you, the way you were using the straw to scoop some of the drink out, “like right now or..?” you joked, clearly understanding what she meant. “it´s gonna be such a nightmare to just leave in two weeks. I´m not built for casual at all, I can´t do all this and then just leave, that´s fucking insane.” you smiled at her, “yeah I know. about that, I kind of had an idea..” she was curious then, listening as you went on “you can say if this would be too much, but I could tell dad that I wanna go back to college a few weeks early, it wouldn´t be weird at all, a lot of people do it, and then I could.. you know. come visit. you could show me your city, your life” a bright expression on your face then as you imagined it. she eyed you, processing your proposal, “you´d do that, really? go behind his back and lie like that to come see me?” you shrugged, “absolutely yes”. 

it surprised her that you were willing to do all that and made it sound like the most natural thing in the world, it made it clear to her that she might not be alone in her slightly obsessive mindset when it came to what you two had going on. “I should probably discourage you from doing all that, but who am I kidding, that sounds great.” she thought about it for a second before adding “you´re really just gonna take the risk of living with me for a while?”, you laughed then, “risk? is there something you wanna tell me, criminal record or..?”, Tess shook her head,“no, I mean, not that I am aware of, but you know. you have no idea how I live, how I act in my everyday life, it could be a let down” your expression softened then, you could tell that she wasn´t used to having people stay over. “I grew up with a chaotic single father, I think I can handle about any strange habit you could possibly think of. I bet you´ll have to kick me out in the end because I won´t wanna go back to the dorms” she smiled at you, “well, I´ll drive you back to college then, see how you guys live nowadays. do young people still do a lot of drugs?”, she asked, half joking, “not the crowd I run with. but maybe I should start. any suggestions?”, you were alluding to her past which surely included more than one experiment with recreational drug use “none, don't start, it´s not worth it. but you know, smoking´s fine, your dad would hate that I am saying this to you, but I think weed has a time and place” you nodded, “we should get high together sometime. see what happens”, she nudged your leg with hers, “well I think I know what would happen”, a grin on your face as she said this, “I´d hope so” you said, brushing your knee against hers as you both finished your drinks, getting rid of the cups once there was only a small layer of colorless ice left at the bottom. 

you had about four hours of driving left, and after about one too many times of you distracting her by touching her, she took you up on your offer to take a break from driving and let you do it for the remaining distance. “I should have made you take over sooner, this is nice” she sighed, stretching out her legs and getting comfortable, doing the same shameless staring from the side that you´d previously done to her, which you didn´t mind at all.“you´re a better driver than I thought” she remarked, which made you turn to her for a second, “are you insinuating that you think young women are all bad drivers? pretty sexist Tess” you teased, not really meaning it, she smiled, “sure, you know me, huge misogynist”.

for a while then you just discussed the logistics of when and where you could see each other, which places in your hometown you might take her, when you might use the excuse of sleeping over at a friends place to spend the night at her place, and a few times Tess caught herself almost slipping back into the mindset of what the fuck am I doing here, but your words had stuck with her, she couldn´t remember the last time she´d felt that present and glad to be alive, so she thought of the sneaking around as something you just had to do, without building it up to be this huge moral issue.

 she looked at you a few times that afternoon and thought about how you had no idea that you were strong in some ways that she wasn´t, that you were teaching her certain things without even trying, it was an unexpected thing in your dynamic, that you were giving each other things that you needed without even having to ask for them. she was giving you a stability and security you´d been missing all your life, so often you´d been around people who stressed you out or who couldn´t control their moods, who relied on you to keep the peace, and being with her brought you a deep sense of calm because she was so opposite that, so attuned to how you were feeling, so willing to be the shoulder to lean on, both physically and emotionally. you were giving her a lightness and lust for life that she had lost a while ago, she was so used to settling for the bare minimum and just letting the days pass her by, that your sense of freedom and your way of making the most out of any situation you were in, paying attention to details and indulging in pleasures no matter how insignificant or strange they might seem, it was waking her senses up again, her need for more, for passion and fire, you were helping her see that there was no point in denying herself joy when it presented itself, just out of the fear that it might not last forever. 

around 5 pm you drove into your hometown and both of you suddenly quieted down, knowing that your road trip was reaching its finish line. you parked further down the street on purpose, you wanted privacy and no fear of being seen from the house for your last few moments in the car together, so once you pulled into a spot and turned off the ignition, you both sat there in a charged silence for a moment, a shared feeling of I don´t want this to be over yet. 

eventually, you looked at each other and she took your hand, giving you a reassuring squeeze, “ready?”, she said, “no.” you answered, a sharpness to your tone that amused her, watching you as your gaze wandered down onto your lap, the sight of your fingers intertwined, and all of a sudden a violent wave of emotion crashed over you; you realized just how much that time with her had given you, how fulfilled you were, how happy and carefree you felt with her, after missing that feeling for so long. you couldn´t do anything about the fact that you were tearing up and she could tell, “are your crying?” she couldn´t help but smile because she knew they weren´t tears of pain, you turned to her, a little embarrassed about it, looking at her intensely, a gentle touch on your cheek to wipe the tears as she almost felt her eyes glistening too, words weren´t needed, the way you looked at each other said it all. a spontaneous willingness to be risky made you both lean in for a kiss, even though there was a slight chance some neighbor or acquaintance could have been walking down the street, you didn´t care one bit, holding each other´s faces with urgency before pulling away and laughing, realizing at the same time how dramatic you were being. you wiped your eyes and shook your head, “jesus look at me…”, she grinned, “look at us. we´re fucked, aren´t we?”, you smiled at her, nodding, “looks that way”. Tess took the reins and moved to open her door, “okay, come on, we need to go”. 

as you walked down the street to your house you pointed out certain things to her, which house belonged to which crazy neighbor, where you´d once almost crashed your dad´s car right after getting your license, which tree you´d climbed when you were a kid. 

as you walked up to your house you felt her tap you on the shoulder, “you forgot something” she said, snatching her sunglasses from your head which you´d used to push up your hair during the drive, she put them on, giving herself the comfort of not having to make immediate eye contact with Joel once he opened the door, urging you to take the lead. Tess stood a few feet behind you as you rang the bell and he opened the door, immediately pulling you into a tight embrace, almost crushing you, “my sweet girl, look at you. I swear you get more beautiful each time I see you”, the hug lasted longer than the casual kind because you hadn´t seen each other since Christmas, a slight feeling of self consciousness as he showered you with affection in front of her. eventually you separated and he looked at Tess, a warm expression as you walked past him to get inside and left them standing in there in doorway as she walked closer. Joel greeted her “well well, and who do we have here” gesturing for her to also give him a hug, which she did, “hey Miller, been a while”, “yeah, too damn long” he said, glad to see her in person again since the last time had been over two years ago. 

he gave her pat on the shoulder, “I´ve gotta say, you look great” he told her, meaning it, “well, I´d say you do too, but you´ve aged quite a bit, my friend” she teased, which made him laugh, “ah there we go, just what I´ve been looking forward to, your unparalleled charm”. their immediate comfort around each other put her at ease, all the worries she´d had before about facing him after your time together, potential feelings of dread or guilt or terror faded away in an instant, replaced by a sense of excitement as she followed him inside. 

you had dropped your bags off at the bottom of the stairs and were waiting for them in the kitchen. once they entered the room he immediately went over to the fridge, “you guys must be dying of thirst, what do you want?”, you and Tess both pointed out the refreshments you wanted and took a few sips after he handed them to you, waiting for him to talk. “be honest with me, did she give you any trouble?” he asked, clearly addressing Tess but you spoke up before she could answer “which one of us are you asking?” you said, which made him laugh, “well, I guess both of you”, Tess chimed in then, “nothing I couldn´t handle”, you added to that, “I mean, putting up with you for two decades was good practice for one day with me I think” you joked, smiling at him, and he was relieved to see that apparently you had gotten along really well, “okay I see, you two seem a few things in common, huh” he was alluding to you both making fun of him, but you and Tess thought, well, you are right about that on many levels.

“so, tell me, what did you guys get up to? how´d the road treat you, hm?” an expectant look on his face as you and Tess briefly locked eyes, “you go” she said, keeping herself busy with her drink as you tried to find a way to talk about what had happened, starting simple with things you´d seen on your drive, what you´d had to eat and drink, little funny moments that you knew would amuse him, people you´d observed at all the stops you´d made, and his face immediately lit up as he heard you talking with enthusiasm, a kind he hardly heard whenever you called from college, a sense of pride over the fact that his idea to get you two together had been a good one.

Tess was lucky that he was busy paying attention to you, because as she listened to you talk from across the counter, the look on her face was not the look of an acquaintance or a friend, it was the distinct look of a lover watching their beloved, the kind that stops people in their tracks on the street with the need to witness proof of just how deeply humans can be impacted by each other, how bright our eyes can shine when we are facing what we love, whom we love.

once it was her turn to talk, it was your turn to be the lovestruck fool, admiring her as she stood there, the memory of her hands on you giving you a warm feeling all over, and all you could think was:

thank god I didn´t say no to going on that trip her. thank god I listened when my heart told me to do the “wrong” thing. thank god we still have the majority of our time together ahead of us, even though it feels like we already spent a lifetime together.

[astaraels]

Day 9 — Femslash February — Post-Finale

Sandy/Debbie, at the Alibi. (ao3)

@m4ndysk4nkovich @holymurdock @lovekenney

“I'm definitely not sticking around here. I'm going to Texas, day after tomorrow. Hopping a bus and getting the fuck out.” Heidi looked at Debbie and grinned. “You could come with me, you know. Bring your kid, too, if you want.”

For a minute, Debbie thought about the possibility—leave everything behind and start fresh. Get away from all the bullshit and find a new place she could go with Franny. She couldn't deny that it sounded tempting, especially with all the shit going down in her life lately.

But then she thought about Franny and the rest of her family—Carl, Ian, Liam, Mickey, even Lip and Tammi—and she knew what her answer would be.

“Thanks, but…I'm gonna stay here. Even with all the dumb shit going on, it's still my home. But thanks, anyway.”

Heidi shrugged, pulling the strap of her bag over her shoulder. “Your loss, Debbie,” she said, nonchalant. “Maybe I'll see ya around sometime.”

Doubtful, thought Debbie, almost glad to see the back of the other woman as Heidi got out of the booth and headed for the door with a spring in her step. Debbie sighed and took a drink of her beer, wondering what the hell she was gonna do now. Lip probably still wanted to sell the house—her house, the only home she'd ever known—and in spite of everything he'd done lately, she was worried about him. Fighting with her siblings made Debbie's stomach churn, and she'd been feeling like shit since…well.

The day Lip took a sledgehammer to the wall had been bad enough—she remembered Ian holding onto her, both of them never expecting their brother to lash out like that—but then everything that had gone down with Sandy…shit. Debbie put her head in her hands for a moment before she took another drink of her beer.

Thankfully Franny had been commandeered by her uncles for dancing, and Debbie managed to wipe her tears away quickly when she heard her daughter call, “Mommy! Look at me, look at me!” as she and Mickey danced around with one of the Polish girls. Debbie waved at Franny and smiled, though it wasn't the easiest thing. But she didn't want Franny to know she was upset—this was supposed to be a fun night for all of them, not “Debbie wallowing in her own misery” night. She could drown her sorrows tomorrow while Franny was at school.

The door to the Alibi swung open, and Debbie looked up—and she had to do a double take. The woman who'd just walked through the door certainly looked like Sandy Milkovich, but…different. Whereas Sandy usually let her hair fall down all stringy and a little messy, now it looked clean and put together, pulled back in a low ponytail behind her ear so it fell over her shoulder. She wore her usual leather jacket, but her shirt and jeans were nice, no holes in the material to be seen. Even her high-tops looked cleaner than they should have from walking around the multiple construction sites nearby.

“Oh, fuck,” Debbie said under her breath, then hurriedly took a swig of her drink as Sandy caught her eye and walked right towards the booth where Debbie sat, climbing in on the opposite side. She looked—well, angry, but Debbie knew that was just Sandy's regular face. But she also seemed nervous, linking her fingers on both hands together as she sat there, not speaking.

“...what are you doing here?” Debbie finally asked, crossing her arms and sitting back. Sandy looked awkward at the question and didn't answer right away. It made Debbie roll her eyes in frustration, and she started to get up. Sandy reached out and grabbed her hand to stop her. “If you're not gonna say anything, then why the hell are you even here, huh?”

“I…I need to say something. To you.” Sandy's words were said through pursed lips, her voice strained. “...I'm an idiot. And I-” she stopped, frustration written on her face. “I'm sorry. I fucked up.”

An apology from a Milkovich was a rare thing, that was for sure. She'd spent enough time with Mickey and Mandy over the years to know that one of the first rules about being a Milkovich was never to say you're sorry for anything. And yet here was Sandy, admitting she'd screwed up. Debbie couldn't agree more.

“Damn right you did,” she said, an edge in her voice. So maybe she was still hurt from the whole thing, give her a break. Things had been really good with them, and then they'd fallen apart in what felt like an instant. Sandy had left her in one of the worst places of her adult life, and she'd spiraled, hard. “You didn't just put the knife in my chest, Sandy, you fucking had to twist it, too. So why should I listen to anything a deadbeat mom like you has to say?”

Maybe that jab was a little cruel, but at least it made Debbie feel a tiny bit better. Sort of, anyway.

“Look, it's…a bullshit situation. I never wanted to be a mom. You know my family. Mickey said you were around when he was going through all his shit. If they can't beat the gay out of you, they just get you married off and start popping out kids.” Sandy sighed, and started to reach for the bottle in Debbie's hand before she pulled back, fingers twitching.

“...I'll get us some drinks,” Debbie finally said. If they were going to have this conversation, they would definitely need something stronger than beer. She snagged two glasses of bourbon from Kev and went back over to the booth, sliding one across the table to Sandy.

After getting back into the seat, Debbie took a long drink from her glass. “Look. I get that things weren't easy for you. I saw some of the shit Mickey went through with his dad, having to marry Svetlana, all of that. But you have a kid, Sandy. You left him—and yeah, I do know what it's like to be that kid. And then you hurt me. You fucking…stabbed me in the heart, okay?”

“I was pissed off—I never asked for that kid in the first place. I tried to get an abortion, but I couldn't get the money in time.” Sandy took a drink, glancing away. “I figured…it'd be easier if he didn't have to deal with a mom who never wanted him.”

Debbie shook her head. “Every kid wants a mom. And you were always so good with Franny; why is Prince so different?”

“Because I knew Franny was part of the deal when we got together!” Sandy said. Her eyes were wide, now, almost scared. Like she was backed into a corner. “At first we were hooking up, things were really good…then that skank Julia showed up, and I got-”

“-punchy?” Debbie said with a snort of laughter. Sandy actually blushed a little, and Debbie felt it in her stomach. She pushed the feeling away, though; she didn't want to make this easy. If they were going to fix shit in any way, shape, or form, Sandy had to say what Debbie needed to hear from her. But…it was still nice all the same, to know that Sandy wasn't completely over her. And she could maybe admit to herself that she wasn't over Sandy, either.

“Yeah. That. And I guess, well—things were good. I didn't wanna fuck it up. I've…” Sandy trailed off in favor of taking another drink. “Shit. We really gotta do all this talking?”

Debbie nodded. “Yep,” she said, popping her lips on the last letter. “Might need to get some more bourbon for this conversation.” She paused to take a slow sip, catching Sandy's gaze with her own. “...I gotta get Franny home soon, but…we could always sit on the porch. Have a smoke. Talk.”

“Mickey was right,” Sandy said, finishing off her glass. “You Gallaghers really like talking a lot.”

Debbie smiled in spite of herself. “You'd be pretty amazed how good we are at it.” Sandy just laughed, and Debbie's heart ached.

Things wouldn't get fixed right away—it just didn't work like that. Debbie was still hurting, a lot, and the two of them were both broken, damaged people. She trusted too easily, and Sandy barely trusted at all. But there was a kernel of hope in her now. Maybe Sandy had left her, had ripped her heart out, but she'd also come back, and the fact that she was willing to talk was almost Sandy's way of holding her own heart out in apology. It took a lot of work to be with a Milkovich—Debbie had seen it fail with Lip and Mandy, and eventually succeed with Mickey and Ian. Maybe part of Debbie, deep down, wanted to make it work out for herself, too.

She and Sandy had been good together, all things considered, and in spite of Sandy's issues with being a mom, Franny had adored her. And sure, Sandy had screwed up big time, but maybe…maybe Debbie wanted to hear what she had to say. They were capable of having a conversation instead of a screaming match. And Sandy had gone through all the trouble of looking nice for her, too. At least that's what Debbie hoped.

So maybe they'd take Franny back to the Gallagher house, tuck her into bed, then grab some drinks and head out to the back porch. They'd light cigarettes and talk quietly, sitting next to each other on the wooden, peeling steps. And maybe Sandy would say enough, say the right thing that Debbie could forgive her. Maybe it would take longer than a night to get there. But she at least was willing to try.

[thefirstcourtesan]

My Favourite “Break Your Heart” Songs

I replied to a post of @jerzwriter ‘s about love songs and admitted that while I know a few, my writing taste leans towards songs about bittersweet or lost love. So I decided to make a list of my favorites. I’m sorry in advance.

1. I Would Have Loved You Anyway by Trisha Yearwood. This has been number one in my writing playlist for almost two decades now much to my husband’s chagrin. I think he could happily never heart it again 😂 but to me there is no better bittersweet song about love gone wrong. “… If I'da known the way that this would end/ If I'da read the last page first/ If I'da had the strength to walk away/ If I'da known how this would hurt/ … I would've loved you anyway”. There is just something so powerful about that. Not every love story lasts forever, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t worth it.

2. Dynasty by Miia. This song is my unofficial theme song for “Portia: A Roman Tragedy”. The idea of we could have had it all but then we didn’t. “Thought we built a dynasty that heaven couldn't shake/ Thought we built a dynasty like nothing ever made/ Thought we built a dynasty forever couldn't break up”. The first time I heard the song (in a fan video), I went “ohh, that’s the tragedyverse”, it just sums it all up for me.

3. What Might Have Been by Little Texas. I have always been haunted by the possibilities of “what might have been” and this song just sums it up in such a beautiful way. “We could sit and talk about this all night long/ And wonder why we didn't last/ Yes, they might be the best days we will ever know/ But we'll have to leave them in the past./ I try not to think about what might have been/ Cause that was then and we have taken diff'rent roads/ we can't go back again there's no use giving in/ And there's no way to know/ What might have been”. You can’t go back, you can’t ever know what could have been.

4. Silver Springs by Fleetwood Mac. Of course this song is on the list. The lyrics, the haunted way she sings, the video of her signing it in 1997. This song is heartbreak perfection. “Time cast a spell on you, but you won't forget me/ I know I could have loved you/ But you would not let me”.

5. Wildest Dreams by Taylor Swift. This is just a beautiful song (and a great video). “Nothing lasts forever/ But this is getting good now/ He's so tall and handsome as hell/ He's so bad, but he does it so well/ And when we've had our very last kiss/ My last request is/ Say you'll remember me/ Standing in a nice dress/ Staring at the sunset, babe/ Red lips and rosy cheeks”.

6. Strawberry Wine by Deana Carter. I have loved this song since I was a teenager (and the “when 30 was old” line hits particularly hard at 40) and as I have grown the song’s impact on me has changed and now I really appreciate the bittersweet look back on first love and how that kind of love only comes along once. “There's nothing time hasn't touched/ Is it really him or the loss of my innocence?/ I've been missing so much”

7. Already Gone by Sleeping At Last (it is a Kelly Clarkson song, but the version I love is a cover). “Started with a perfect kiss/ Then we could feel the poison set in/ Perfect couldn't keep this love alive/ You know that I love you so/ Ilove you enough to let you go” but also “Remember all the things we wanted/ Now all our memories, they're haunted/ We were always meant to say goodbye”. This song just hits so hard and sums up the idea that some things are always meant to end (are you sensing a theme 😂?)

8. Didn’t We Almost Have It All by Whitney Houston. Another one that I have played over and over until my husband never wants to hear it again. “Didn't we almost have it all/ When love was all we had worth giving?/ The ride with you was worth the fall my friend/ Loving you makes life worth living”.

9. Don’t Speak by No Doubt. Another one that goes back to teenage Misha. I think this one got me a few break-ups once upon a time. “Don't speak/ I know what you're thinkin'/ I don't need your reasons/ Don't tell me 'cause it hurts”.

10. Beautifully Unfiniished by Ella Henderson. “But maybe all that we are meant to be/ Is beautifully unfinished/ And I hate you, and I love you/ And I wish you'd go away/ And I hate you, and I love you/ And I wish that you would stay”. I love the pain of this song, the love and the hate, the idea that something is ending when you don’t want it to but you know it has too.

Narrowing it down to 10 was hard and there are lots of other regular songs on my writing playlist, but these are my favorites (although honourable mention to “Last Kiss” by Pearl Jam). If you feel like writing some angst, I highly recommend putting on some of these songs. I definitely have a “type” when it comes to my favorite music, there is something about the end of a love story and looking back that really hits hard for me.

[mariacallous]

This week, President Biden signed the Respect for Marriage Act into law—an important step toward advancing protections for same-sex marriages. But the legislation comes near the end of a year in which hundreds of anti-L.G.B.T.Q. bills were proposed across the country, queer literature was the target of bans in schools, protests and violence against drag shows rose, a queer night club in Colorado Springs was attacked, and at least thirty-four trans people were killed. As Bryan Washington writes in a new essay, in this “ghoulish year for queer folks,” spaces for gathering have become more essential than ever, serving as “focal points of connection and as portals for sharing information.” Reflecting on his time at gay bars everywhere from Houston to Bangkok throughout 2022, Washington offers snapshots of the connection, support, sadness, joy, and visibility he found in them. “And perhaps this is one function of queer spaces,” Washington writes. “To give what is deemed unworthy—by white supremacy, by stigma, by capitalism—its brightness, even if only for a few hours.” The essay is a wonderful reminder of the gift of having companions to help you process a year’s worth of heartbreaking lows and euphoric highs.

In January, near the queer bars lining Houston’s Montrose Boulevard, some white guy stood with a bullhorn. Wearing a button-down shirt under a tidy jacket, he screamed at foot traffic for hours. Sodomites wrought the end of civilization! We were all going to hell! Vaping on a patio across the street, I asked a buddy whether this was strange, and he confirmed that it was, before we flopped into Crocker to the tune of Toni Braxton.

A week later, around the same spot, a gaggle of folks stood with more microphones. They wore matching T-shirts, blasting fire-and-damnation into the humidity. From time to time, they’d flag down passersby to remind us of our pending eternity in flames. A handful of folks engaged with the homophobes while walking along the busted concrete, but few offered more than a brief, tired Girl.

At Ripcord, a bartender—a bearish ginger draped in leather—told me that the agitators had been more visible lately.

They’re feeling themselves, he said. But it’s fucking gross out there? They should drink some water instead.

Some porn played on the screen behind us. Patti LaBelle sang from the speakers. This was a perfect space, and I ordered more drinks to take to my friends on the patio.

All in all, 2022 has been a ghoulish year for queer folks in the United States. Lawmakers have proposed more than two hundred and fifty anti-L.G.B.T.Q. bills, more than a hundred and eighty of them directed at trans folks. Nearly half of book bannings this year have focussed on queer content. There have been more than a hundred and twenty threats, protests, and attacks against drag shows. At least thirty-four trans folks have been killed, and states across the country have revelled in targeting trans kids.

But queer spaces have been more essential than ever. They’ve served as focal points of connection and as portals for sharing information. Yet another year into the pandemic, they’ve been places to just enjoy others for a fucking minute. Or maybe play bingo. Or catch a drag show, or catch up with friends, or spin the wheel on a date. They’ve offered a way to spend time with people whom you can wear a little less armor around, who might actually be invested in your feeling O.K.

In February, I flew to Los Angeles to pretend to finish a novel, but mostly I ended up drowning myself in seolleongtang. The majority of the queer bars I haunted stood in Silver Lake, sporting a little less sheen than the WeHo circuit farther down Santa Monica Boulevard. One night, I passed through the Eagle, where a Latinx guy working at the hotel I’d been staying in flagged me down by the pool table.

He, too, was from Texas, but he’d recently relocated. He asked how things were back home, and I told him that they were suboptimal.

It’s sad, he said. Because there’s so much potential, you know? The numbers are there. My people are there. But what can you even do? Kids can’t even pull up the fucking Trevor Project at school, he added, referring to a district policy that prevents queer students from accessing resources including the suicide-prevention hotline.

We ordered another round of vodka sodas. A group of gays across the bar began to cheer for their friend, who had either just gotten married or divorced. Eventually, we joined in, too.

I thought of my new friend, in September, when a church just outside Houston hosted a drag bingo night as a fund-raiser for young trans folks, only to be descended upon by a group of neo-Nazis and Proud Boys. Protesters and counter-protesters clashed along a road leading to the house of worship. Local police formed a line on the median. Afterward, despite everything, a pastor at the church deemed the event a success.

At a queer bar that weekend, about thirty miles away, my boyfriend, L, and I watched the usual assortment of karaoke singers cross a stage. Spectating was our tiny ritual. (I can confidently sing only songs by BLACKPINK.) Some familiar faces were perched in their corners. We smiled and nodded and touched one another’s elbows and shoulders. Eventually, a straight couple took the stage. They announced that they’d just gotten engaged, and dedicated their performance to the queer folks in attendance, swearing that “it gets better” before immediately launching into Selena’s mournful “No Me Queda Más.”

Behind us, someone asked, What the fuck?

Back in L.A. a few weeks later, I was sitting with two friends on the curb of Akbar, a gay cocktail bar, when a car swerved toward our intersection. A white guy leaned out of his window, yelling, Go get fucked, faggots.

The car honked as it passed us, nearly running the light. The three of us continued to tap at our phones. Then one friend looked up, sighed, and said, Babe, I wish.

The next month, after the fabulous collapse of a years-long project, I was feeling a little frantic, and L suggested that we take advantage of remote work. We ended up in Bangkok for a month. Our hotel, in the Silom area, sat a short walk from the subway line. A slightly longer walk brought us to a strip of queer bars tucked down an alleyway, beside an all-night American-style diner whose tuna salad made me see God.

On our first night out, we met a bespectacled guy at a drag bar. He was a local engineer, and he’d recently come out. A month beforehand, Bangkok had celebrated its first Pride march in years—which was also his first Pride march ever. So we bought him a drink to celebrate, and when I asked how he liked the city’s queer scene he grinned. If you were just looking to cruise, he said, waving at some older white guys ogling a pair of twinks wrapped in Gucci, then the bars were great. But the pandemic hadn’t been kind to many of the city’s queer establishments.

A lot of folks just hang out at home, he said. Tourist life and local queerness are different.

Another club I frequented underlined this dynamic. Tucked away on the upper floor of a nearby shopping mall, it was basically a local bear bar. The vibe felt worlds away from the evening strip’s sheen. Its clientele lounged in beach chairs. The occasional expat sipped beer from a straw. A dubbed version of the third “Transformers” movie played on a tiny television by a Jacuzzi.

One guy I met came from Indonesia. He asked whether I was Thai-Muslim (I’m not), and, when I told him I lived in the States, he asked how many of them I’d visited. He’d spent the last two years in Jakarta by himself. But he wasn’t out to his family. Indonesia was a tough place to be queer, and Bangkok was a reprieve.

I can let my guard down, he said. I can’t even tell you what that’s like.

By the time we returned to Houston, mpox—the disease often called by the harmful name “monkeypox”—had been declared a global health emergency. The epidemic had spread throughout the country, while testing remained virtually impossible. One buddy picked it up from a hookup. Another’s partner had a brush with it after an orgy. The vaccine requirements were constantly shifting: you could possibly, maybe receive one, but only if you were deemed sufficiently high-risk, and then only if you were “a man who had sex with men,” a wildly inadequate qualifier. The most accurate information I received came not from the government but by way of gay bars, sex clubs, and other queer-forward spaces hastily fortifying informal networks.

L and I spent a long Tuesday on the phone, flailing for an available shot. Two weeks later, pulling up for our appointments, we found that we were the only non-white folks in line at a predominantly Black neighborhood’s community center in South Houston. As it turned out, the government had sat on hundreds of thousands of doses. In the following month, supply strains would exacerbate racial disparities in vaccine access and medical disenfranchisement among queer folks of color.

But, at the end of July, Beyoncé released “Renaissance.” I started the album in my car the morning after its release and simply never stopped playing it. That same weekend, ducking through Houston’s queer circuit, I heard a d.j. in a packed bar start one song from the record (“Heated”) before slipping into another (“Virgo’s Groove”) and then a third (“Pure/Honey”) as the room worked itself into a pulsing huff of steam. When I finally stepped outside for air, I was enfolded into a group of folks still running through the lyrics, clapping each other on our shoulders and backs, nearly tearful, deeply euphoric.

In August, realizing that I’d either have to finish my novel or simply walk into the Gulf of Mexico, I holed up in a Vancouver studio overlooking the downtown skyline. Most mornings, I ambled down to the Vietnamese diner stationed by the building’s garage, until the matron started heading instinctively toward the coffee machine whenever I squeezed through the door. One evening, I passed through a restaurant for katsu curry and noticed that an Indian guy was the only other person eating alone. We exchanged polite smiles. A few hours later, nursing a drink at a queer bar, I spotted the same guy.

He was visiting with his family. He’d been hoping for a fun vacation, but mpox had him wary. He said that he’d just graduated university. I congratulated him, and he asked whether he could have a hug. When I gave him one, I could feel his entire body relax. He said that he’d only recently started going to the bars by himself, because he wasn’t entirely out. I told him it wasn’t a race, and he laughed.

That’s what everyone keeps saying, he added. But first there was COVID? It feels like a raw deal, like it’s all one risk after another.

A few weeks later, back in the Bay Area, I stood vaping with some folks outside a queer bar when a gray S.U.V. settled beside us. Its driver unrolled the window, unstrapped himself from a seatbelt, and yelled that he was fine with a queer bar in his neighborhood, but that we needed to keep our fag shit in the building.

He asked whether we understood. Four other smokers and I blinked at one another. None of us said anything. There were too many uncertain variables. Finally, the oldest person standing among us, a bearded Filipino guy, said, Sure, honey, and the car rolled away.

We stood in silence for another beat, puffing away, a little rattled. Then another person, a Black individual in overalls, the smallest one among us, said, He looked like his breath fucking stank.

In November, sleepwalking toward a manuscript deadline, I visited Amsterdam. The city unfurled in a moody way, guided by canals and folks meandering on bikes along brick-laden roads. Every few streets, a rain-worn building sported the Progress Pride flag.

As far as I know there’s only one gay sauna in Amsterdam. On a weekday, it was hardly populated. I ended up sitting in a hot tub between two guys, one of whom said that he was from Spain, and in the way of queers everywhere we started in on our recent grievances. The Spanish guy said that he was living in London for work. This was the first trip he’d taken since relocating. He grew up in a small town, and adolescence had been tough on him. London had been an education, and now he was furthering it.

The other guy was white and younger than both of us. We’d taken him for a local. But when we asked where he was from, he said Kyiv, and the reality of his situation—the war across the continent—sent a chill through the water.

Holy fuck, we said.

It’s all right, the guy replied. I’d never been to a gay bar. I’ve never been to a place like this, he said. I’m trying new things— hoping for the best, you know?

We nodded. But how could we possibly know?

The week before Thanksgiving, L and I lounged on the patio of our local leather spot, because I’d just finished copy edits on my novel and it was time to celebrate. Then, starting at one end of Montrose, we careened from bar to bar. I managed to stay afloat until two in the morning. A crisp chill hung over the patios. Folks huddled together as they passed, cheering on strangers, imploring them to stay safe. A few hours later, we woke up to news of the Club Q shooting in Colorado Springs. A shooter had killed five people in the queer nightclub and wounded at least nineteen more.

It all felt like—and it all is—entirely too much. A country that prides itself on queer progressiveness on an international stage refuses to provide safety and human rights for its residents. This month, the Respect for Marriage Act has become law, but what is the privilege of marriage to communities without the baseline necessities, who face regular violence in their attempts to secure them?

On Thanksgiving evening, after making the rounds of our assorted found families, we made our way back to the queer bars, settling into JR.’s. The atmosphere was muted. Looks of recognition passed from patron to patron. But, as the evening progressed, the room turned more crowded—never packed, but lively—until it felt like being present for each other was a gift in itself.

On the karaoke stage, a drag queen lamented the shootings. She said that things were taking a turn for the worse. But then she asked whether anyone in the room had something for us to champion. One woman noted that she’d just left a ten-year marriage. Another guy spoke about his new gig. A couple announced that they’d opened up their relationship, drawing a scattering of cheers, because this, too, was touching: to see things normally rendered invisible allowed visibility within this shared space.

And perhaps this is one function of queer spaces: to give what is deemed unworthy—by white supremacy, by stigma, by capitalism—its brightness, even if only for a few hours. Flirting at the bar is holy. Biding time on a hookup app by the pool table is holy. A sleepy evening sipping lukewarm beer with found family is holy. Chatting with the muscle-cub bartender is holy. A midnight drag show on a week night is holy. Sucking dick in a dark room is holy, and so is waiting until you’ve gotten home, and so is opting out of the meat market entirely for a lazy pecan waffle with eggs at the all-you-can-eat diner once the bars have closed. Coming out incessantly is holy. Coming together is holy. A hastily organized orgy is holy. And mundanity is holy—perhaps even the holiest, because it is worth everything to insure that the most disenfranchised among us receive the same ordinary benefit of the doubt.

With the queen’s interlude over, karaoke began again. An older Black dude sang Luther Vandross. Some Latinx folks followed with Selena Gomez. A Black woman sang Jill Scott with her white friend. And then an Asian guy took the stage for an astoundingly beautiful rendition of “Rocket Man,” which felt like the appropriate note to depart on. We finished our beers and slipped out into the rain, taking care not to trip on the concrete.  ♦

[bestcampfirecookingkits]

Best Camping Spots for Stargazing

I still remember the first time I truly saw the night sky, far away from the city lights. It was during a camping trip in the high desert, where the air was crisp and the horizon seemed to stretch on forever. As the sun dipped below the mountains, the sky slowly turned from a deep blue to an inky black, and then—almost as if on cue—the stars began to appear. At first, just a few twinkling lights, and then, all of a sudden, the entire sky was ablaze with countless stars, constellations, and even the faint glow of the Milky Way. I had never seen anything like it. That night, I lay on my back for hours, completely mesmerized by the vastness above me, feeling both incredibly small and profoundly connected to the universe. From that moment on, stargazing became one of my favorite parts of camping, and I started seeking out the best spots where the night sky could really show off its wonders.

If you’re a lover of the stars like I am, finding the perfect camping spot where the night sky truly comes alive is a must. The best camping spots for stargazing share a few key characteristics: they’re far from city lights, have clear, dry skies, and often sit at higher elevations. These factors combine to create conditions where you can see more stars than you ever thought possible. So, where should you go if you want to experience the night sky in all its glory?

One of the most iconic stargazing spots in the United States is Joshua Tree National Park in California. This desert park is famous for its surreal landscapes filled with twisted Joshua trees and giant boulders, but it’s equally renowned for its dark skies. Thanks to its remote location and low light pollution, Joshua Tree offers some of the clearest skies in Southern California. I remember setting up camp there one spring night, and as soon as the sun set, the stars seemed to pop out of the sky. The Milky Way was so bright it almost cast a shadow. It’s no wonder Joshua Tree is a popular destination for both amateur and professional astronomers.

Another fantastic spot for stargazing is Big Bend National Park in Texas. Located in one of the most remote corners of the state, Big Bend is far from any major cities, which means the skies here are some of the darkest in the country. The park even has a certification from the International Dark-Sky Association, a testament to its exceptional stargazing conditions. When I camped there, I was struck by how the desert landscape seemed to blend seamlessly with the sky, creating a sense of vastness that was almost overwhelming. The stillness of the desert, combined with the sheer number of stars overhead, made for a truly unforgettable experience.

For those who prefer higher elevations, Bryce Canyon National Park in Utah is a must-visit. The park is known for its unique rock formations called hoodoos, but it’s also a stargazer’s paradise. Because Bryce Canyon sits at an elevation of over 8,000 feet, the air is thin and clear, allowing for incredibly sharp views of the night sky. On my first visit, I camped right near the rim of the canyon, and as I looked out over the vast expanse below, the stars above seemed close enough to touch. The high elevation and dry air make Bryce Canyon one of the best places in the country to see the Milky Way in all its glory.

If you’re looking for a more off-the-beaten-path destination, Cherry Springs State Park in Pennsylvania is worth checking out. While it may not have the dramatic landscapes of some of the western parks, Cherry Springs is famous for its exceptionally dark skies. It’s considered one of the best places for stargazing on the East Coast, thanks to its strict light pollution controls and its location atop a 2,300-foot plateau. When I camped there, I was amazed by how vividly I could see the constellations, even without a telescope. The park even has designated astronomy observation fields, where you can set up your gear and settle in for a night of stargazing.

For a truly unique stargazing experience, consider camping in Great Basin National Park in Nevada. This park is home to some of the darkest skies in the continental United States, and it’s one of the few places where you can see the Milky Way from horizon to horizon. The park’s high elevation and dry climate make for ideal stargazing conditions, and the lack of light pollution means you can see celestial objects that are invisible from more populated areas. I remember camping at the Wheeler Peak Campground, where the elevation is over 10,000 feet. The air was so clear and the sky so dark that I felt like I was floating in space, surrounded by stars on all sides.

Glacier National Park in Montana is another top destination for stargazers. Known for its rugged mountains and pristine lakes, Glacier also offers some of the best stargazing opportunities in the northern United States. The park is far from any major cities, and its high elevation and northern latitude provide spectacular views of the night sky. On a clear night, you can see everything from the Milky Way to distant galaxies, and if you’re lucky, you might even catch a glimpse of the Northern Lights. When I camped there, I was struck by the clarity of the sky and the sheer number of stars visible, even to the naked eye. It was one of those nights where you just sit in awe, feeling like a tiny speck in the vastness of the universe.

For those who don’t mind traveling a bit further, Mauna Kea on the Big Island of Hawaii offers unparalleled stargazing opportunities. The summit of Mauna Kea is one of the best places on Earth for astronomy, and while camping isn’t allowed at the summit itself, you can camp at nearby locations and then drive up for an evening of stargazing. The combination of high altitude, clear skies, and minimal light pollution makes Mauna Kea a stargazer’s dream. I had the chance to visit the summit once, and the view was like nothing I’d ever seen. The stars were so bright and numerous that it felt like the sky was alive. It’s a bit of a trek to get there, but for serious stargazers, it’s worth every effort.

Another excellent stargazing destination is Death Valley National Park in California. Known for its extreme heat and vast, barren landscapes, Death Valley also boasts some of the darkest skies in the world. The park is so remote and free of light pollution that on a clear night, you can see thousands of stars, along with the Milky Way stretching across the sky. I once camped there in late fall, when the temperatures were cooler, and spent hours lying on my back, watching shooting stars streak across the sky. The stillness of the desert, combined with the brilliance of the night sky, created an almost otherworldly experience.

Acadia National Park in Maine offers a different kind of stargazing experience. While it’s not as dark as some of the more remote western parks, Acadia’s coastal location provides a stunning backdrop for stargazing. The cool, crisp air and the sound of the ocean waves create a peaceful atmosphere, perfect for lying back and watching the stars. I remember one particularly clear night when I camped at Acadia, and the sky was so bright that I could easily spot several constellations I’d only ever seen in books. The combination of the stars and the serene coastal environment made for a magical experience.

Finally, if you’re looking for a stargazing spot that’s closer to the Midwest, Yellowstone National Park offers some incredible opportunities. While Yellowstone is famous for its geysers, hot springs, and wildlife, its night skies are equally impressive. The park’s remote location and high elevation make for excellent stargazing conditions, especially in the areas farthest from the park’s developed zones. I once camped at a site near Yellowstone Lake, and after the sun went down, the sky lit up with stars. The reflection of the stars on the calm water was something I’ll never forget.

Stargazing while camping adds a whole new dimension to the outdoor experience. It’s a chance to disconnect from the hustle and bustle of daily life and reconnect with the universe in a way that’s both humbling and awe-inspiring. Whether you’re lying on a blanket in the desert, sitting by a mountain lake, or perched on a coastal cliff, there’s something truly magical about watching the stars come out one by one. So next time you’re planning a camping trip, why not choose a spot where the night sky can be the main attraction? The stars are waiting.

[mlobsters]

supernatural s1e15 the benders (w. john shiban)

(this is a rewatch so spoilers abound)

starting off with the xf vibe in the teaser music, which this whole episode is very xfiles home (s4e2).... homage. beginning is surprisingly memorable just because it's not what i expected, i'm always stressed when a kid shows up but not this time!

also didn't realize hibbing minnesota was so far north, past duluth! i lived in the twin cities for 8 years or so. i guess donna was from hibbing, but no one lived there. but there was an episode title with hibbing in it (10x08) hence some of my confusion. anyway. to the bad humans!

(padalecki still with the crispy R on crazy. now i'm wondering if he always uses it and i just stopped noticing at some point)

so priest and state trooper, side swept bangs 📝

EVAN Godzilla Vs. Mothra. DEAN That’s my favorite Godzilla movie. It’s so much better than the original, huh? EVAN Totally. DEAN Yeah. (He nods towards SAM.) He likes the remake. EVAN Yuck!

very cute

i used this bar scene in my fanvid to texas hold 'em and that neon sign in my tennessee whiskey painting lol (though i ended up putting them mostly in front of it but you can see a lil bit)

SAM Well, there are all kinds. You know, Spring Heeled Jacks, phantom gassers. They take people anywhere, anytime.

shoulda had more monstery-monster of the week eps

SAM Right. I saw a motel about five miles back. DEAN Whoa, whoa, easy. Let’s have another round. SAM We should get an early start.

DEAN Yeah, you really know how to have fun, don’t you, Grandma? (SAM smiles.) Alright, I’ll meet you outside, I gotta take a leak.

it was cute, sam basically gave him a very nice smile to the grandma comment and dean caved. might make gifs if i remember to - i made the gifs to avoid picking this back up. also shows just rarely talk about using the bathroom, course this was a plot-related bathroom visit to get them separated, so. not sure it really falls into the masculinity tag i got going but anytime we go with a woman instead of man, gonna tag it

this music is so cliche tension danger sounding but also like, not at all matching the vibe of the show? too loud, and like a parody. ugh. i will give you one guess who it is... (gruska, of course)

DEAN Sam? Two beers and he’s doin’ karaoke. No, he wasn’t drunk. He was taken. KATHLEEN Alright. What’s his name? DEAN Winchester. Sam Winchester. KATHLEEN Like the rifle? DEAN Like the rifle.

insert something insightful about the hunters having an extremely on the nose last name :p also don't know if we ever really know what sam's tolerance is like

i 100% took screenshots of the computer screen first watch because they just copied sam's height into dean's entry :p

DEAN Officer, look, uh, he’s family. I kind of—I kind of look out for the kid. You gotta let me go with you. KATHLEEN I’m sorry, I can’t do that. DEAN Well, tell me something. Your county has its fair share of missing persons. Any of ‘em come back? Sam’s my responsibility. And he’s comin’ back. I’m bringin’ him back.

eat that right up, you know it. this episode is chock full of protective dean goodness, after sam got to do it for him in 1x12.

s1e11 / s1e15

well i'll be! same thing sammy said to meg in the bus station that got me feeling extra mushy. that also had teleplay by john shiban. thank you, sir 🫡 did a little gif comparable thing too

~1 month later~ was gonna pull up an episode of evil, which has been my go-to evening show during my spn sabbatical and i just got the itchy feeling to want to blather at length while watching something. am i ready to watch spn again?? we will see.

JENKINS Why don’t you give it up, Sammy, there’s no way out. SAM Don’t….call me….Sammy!

damn right

my vacation away and literally the first scene with music back and i'm like godDAMNIT this music is obnoxious. in case i was worried i just had a stick up my ass about it, no it really is just my immediate gut reaction

anyway, bro's off getting the most dangerous game'd to bad music. shoulda listened to sam

DEAN Hey, Officer? Look, I don’t mean to press my luck. KATHLEEN Your luck is so pressed. DEAN Right. I was wondering—why are you helping me out, anyway? Why don’t you just lock me up? KATHLEEN My brother, Riley, disappeared three years ago. A lot like Sam. We searched for him, but—nothing. I know what it’s like to feel responsible for someone, and for them—Come on. Let’s keep at it.

had this storyline happened later, could see her slotting into the jody/donna type role

the most striking eyes

DEAN I gotta start carrying paper clips.

i mean, seems like he'd have something on his person. what with their vocation needing a variety of tools for less than legal shenanigans

ok what, did dean have this headshot of sam lying around?? lol. not one in my fairly comprehensive winchester family photos post

very necessary to have him stretched out over this sheriff wagon

DEAN Sam? Are you hurt? SAM No. DEAN Damn, it’s good to see you.

<3

DEAN Have you seen ‘em? SAM Yeah. Dude, they’re just people. DEAN And they jumped you? Must be gettin’ a little rusty there, kiddo.

it's just so sweet. i am a sucker

my hot take is that jensen loves slapstick humor and puts it in at any opportunity. we're dealing with like, people-hunting-cannibals, his brother and a sheriff are locked in cages that he needs to find a key for and yet! jensen is gonna have dean turn the flashlight on in his face and have a goofy reaction. TIME AND PLACE, BROTHER

anyway. there's been a lot of the xfiles noises this episode. very on brand

i think one of the most disturbing things about this episode are the pictures with the benders are posing with the people like a big game photo. enough that i don't even wanna include a screenshot of it

i wonder how the set design of this compares to the house at the end of s1 true detective. and obviously the set for xf home. maybe i'll pull up some comparisons and see if it's worth doing A Post

i think why the game polaroids are so impactful vs this is like. this is very campy over the top. old timey music playing on the phonograph, traps and saw blades hanging from the ceiling, man making these wildly exaggerated swings with the cleaver and saw

i will admit that i saw something at a formative age that had an incredibly upsetting situation with a hot poker and so this scene also is distressing. at least it's not threatening sexual violence this time. but objectively, that's a gorgeous shot

DEAN You hurt my brother, I’ll kill you, I swear. I’ll kill you all. I will kill you all!

you know i can't resist that, eat it right up

so rare they're in short sleeves, has to be an even smaller number of times they fight someone in them

so beautiful. she was really good in this part

DEAN Never do that again. SAM Do what? DEAN Go missin’ like that. (SAM laughs.) SAM You were worried about me. DEAN All I’m sayin’ is, you vanish like that again, I’m not lookin’ for ya. SAM Sure, you won’t. DEAN I’m not. (SAM chuckles.) SAM So, you got sidelined by a thirteen-year-old girl, huh? DEAN Oh, shut up. SAM Just sayin’, gettin’ rusty there, kiddo. DEAN (chuckling) Shut up. (SAM laughs.)

i didn't remember that last little bit, that was extra cute. i will be making more gifs 😩

[dankusner]

Million Dollar Shoppers: Craziest Clients Of Season 1 (S1) | Lifetime

FURBISHED

Gregg Asher — animal philanthropist, stylish socialite and proud fur-wearing Dallasite 

By DANIEL KUSNER | Sept. 19, 2008 People hold onto clothing for way too long. Fashion is like milk — it has an expiration date," Gregg Asher declares after a recent photo shoot.

Sitting beside Asher is Logo, his Chihuahua who quietly rests inside her Louis Vuitton pet carrier.

On a wooden coat hanger is Asher's vintage "monkey hair" jacket.

Logo has a matching fur cape.

"I think it's actually Chinese goat hair," Asher explains. "But I've been downsizing my fur collection. For a while, I was on a fur rampage. At one time, I had 10 coats. They're too hot for Dallas, but fur is wonderful when you're traveling.”

Sixteen years ago, Asher moved to Dallas from Arkansas.

During the day, he works as a successful stylist.

And at nighttime society events, Asher and his partner, David Martin, are on Dallas' must-invite list.

"I don't know if we'd call ourselves 'socialites.' That's a loose term," Asher explains. "We're more like paprika in the stew.”

Asher also works With Paws in the City, an Oak Lawn-based volunteer organization that rescues abandoned dogs and cats.

As an experienced party hopper, Asher co-chairs their fundraising galas. With a pair of open-toed Fendi platforms poking out of his YSL stovepipe jeans, Asher continues philosophizing about Big D's fashion sense — especially since canines are sure to be an ubiquitous accessory during Dallas' 25th Pride anniversary.

"As far as fashion goes, I don't have a bunch of ‘Dos and Don’ts.' People should wear anything they like, as long as it's comfortable. Edith Head once said something like, You shouldn't wear clothing that's too tight — except for maybe your bathing suit,"' Asher says.

"For me, gay Pride is more of an inner pride. On this sterling anniversary, just go in your closet and choose clothes you're drawn to. I hope people don't pick out something that's too costumey. But I'm one to talk, huh?”

When it comes to wardrobe pulling, Asher says he's has learned from ambitions that have exceeded his grasp.

"Those pictures will haunt you," he says. "We all look better in our mirrors. So before I leave the house, I've been known to take a Polaroid of myself before I walk out the door. ... And it's obvious that I have glaucoma.” 

Since his waist is only 24 inches and he wears a boys' size 5 shoe, Asher has better luck in the women's department.

But when it comes to retail hopping Asher says the gayborhood has a terrific underwear boutique.

"Union Jack is really the best for undie necessities. They carry 2(x)ist in any shape, any size. They have thongs, full-backs ... You can get 'em in grey, black, navy." Asher explains.

Asher does have one exquisitely practical fashion tip for gay men: "If you are ever called for jury duty, wear a hat and lots of jewelry," he says. "Dress just like me and go to the courthouse, You know you'll be able to make a lunch date that day.”

COORDINATING CANINE: 

Logo and Gregg wear matching monkey hair" coats

PAW PRIDE Paws In The City is a volunteer organization committed to ending overpopulation, abuse and neglect of Dallas dogs and cats. On Sunday, they'll have an info booth at Robert E. Lee Park following the Alan Ross Texas Freedom Parade. Paws In The City 3506 Cedar Springs Road 214-522-5112 PawslnTheCity.org 

[matthenslee]

Why an M.Div. Helped Me Become a Better Pastor

My journey into the ministry came at age 16 when I helped start a contemporary worship service at another church near my home church in Grand Prairie, Texas. For a variety of reasons, it was an eye-opening experience.

At 18, I moved out and began pursuing my Bachelor of Arts at Dallas Baptist University while serving as the pastor of students and worship at a church plant that met in a funeral home.

I lost count of how many times I heard, “People are just dying to come to church!”

At 20, I was midway through getting my bachelor’s degree and serving at an established church in my hometown when I met a young lady who’d soon become my wife. While I’d gone to a Christian college, I was still largely unprepared for the challenges that would follow.

By 22, I’d graduated, gotten married, and was in between churches in towns where there were far more cows than people. One church had a mostly absent pastor, and the other had a pastor whose illness required I take on a largely interim pastor role.

I Was Treading Water.

I faced counseling sessions well above my pay grade, church conflicts threatening to split the congregation, and struggled to know how to preach longer than five minutes or so. (Though, to be sure, I don’t think any members complained about the last one.)

In a sense, I had no idea what I was doing. Each day, I just kinda “winged it” and went with the flow. I had to trust God to work perhaps more in spite of me than through me.

So I enrolled in Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary’s extension campus program in the hopes it’d give me some practical help in navigating day-to-day ministry.

It did.

Each day, it seemed I could put something I learned in class immediately into practice. I ended up managing to get through two semesters before the Lord called me away from the great republic of Texas to God’s country in Arkansas to be a student pastor.

I thought I’d taken my last seminary courses and was able to convince myself that was okay.

“I had a ministry degree,” after all, and simply believed I was done and could on without further education. However, the degree I had hardly prepared me for the day-to-day grind of ministry.

That church put me through the wringer, to be sure. The pastor was rarely around, I got chewed out for not being willing to take a young lady around town without my wife or another staff member, and we faced threats for aiming to racially integrate our youth group. For real, you read that right.

It was tough, but it was about to get tougher.

I accepted an opportunity, somewhat against my will, to return to bi-vocational ministry. I taught adults with special needs at a non-profit and became the worship pastor at a church about an hour away.

It was one of the most wonderful seasons of ministry, until the following spring. A tornado swept through the town and wiped out most of our church’s education buildings and sanctuary. We were a fairly large established church that suddenly had no place to meet on Sundays.

It was the best of times; it was the worst of times.

Fast-forwarding a bit, I found myself in my office as a full-time student and education pastor. A member stopped by the office with an offer I was reluctant to accept.

“You have Southwestern in your backyard,” she said. “Criswell is in your front yard. If you pick one, I’ll pay for the first two classes.”

“But, but, but,” I thought, “I have a degree and don’t have time for that. I’ve learned more in these churches than some professor could ever teach me. Plus, we’re about to be parents, and…”

All of these excuses spun through my prideful head like the tornado that swept through our previous church.

I registered.

“What harm could two free classes do,” I thought? A course in student ministry? A class in evangelism? That’s all I’d need for a while. I’d be golden. But then I made it onto campus.

There were conversations in the cafeteria with professors. I was connecting with fellow ministers from all types of contexts. I enjoyed deep-dive discussions on some of the most practical facets (in this case) of student ministry and sharing the gospel.

I was hooked.

And I did two things as that semester continued: I kicked myself several times for not doing this sooner and registered for my next semester.

And Finally

After completing the last few classes of a 90-something hour degree of a wide range of topics that were all immediately practical, adopting four daughters, and accepting the call to pastor a fantastic church in New Mexico, I walked across the stage as an M.Div. graduate of Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary.

I might’ve been older than most of my fellow Master’s graduates, but I sure was grateful. My only regret was quitting in the first place.

Would finishing my degree earlier have kept me from dealing with some of the ups and downs I shared previously? Of course not. But it would’ve helped me navigate them more faithfully.

Not only that, it would’ve given me far more people “in my corner” than I ever had.

“It’s the gold standard”

Sure, when someone says that about an M.Div., the defense mechanisms immediately turn on for some, but please know what I’m not saying.

I’m not saying you have to have an M.Div. to be a faithful or qualified pastor. Maybe you’ve been mentored by a seasoned pastor and been given the chances to hone your skills in the pulpit and the hospital room. Maybe you have a solid Bible degree and masters that have been immensely helpful in your ministry.

But, I’m willing to assert there are good reasons to pursue an advanced degree like the M.Div. for practical pastoral training and future ministry opportunities.

Is money tight? Many seminaries offer payment plans and financial aid. Are you too far from a seminary? No worries, many offer excellent online programs.

Full-time at your church and a ton of young kids in the home? Been there, done that—just take your time. Commit to a class or two a semester and chip away at the degree, bit by bit.

Tools for your toolbox

I’m a better follower of Christ from classes like Spiritual Formation.

I’m a better husband and father from classes like The Christian Home.

I’m a better evangelist from classes like, well, Evangelism.

I’m a better disciple-maker from classes on mentoring and disciple-making.

I’m a better preacher from classes in biblical languages and expository preaching.

I’m a better pastor from classes like Pastoral Ministry and Foundations for Christian Ministry.

I’m a better theologian from Systematic Theology and several levels of classes on the Old and New Testament.

I can navigate tricky topics in the pulpit and counseling from classes like the Bible and Moral Issues.

What’s more, I have the privilege of having a few professors that are still teaching me two years later as friends and mentors. I’ve also maintained close friendships with fellow pastors who I met in the trenches in class who continue to help me navigate difficult waters in ministry.

And all of the above are reasons I want more of the same—to continue sharpening those tools by pursuing my doctorate in May.

Totally worth it

Getting my M.Div was one of the most difficult things I’ve done. I was a full-time pastor, a father of four young daughters, and eight hours away from my school at times. However, it was worth it.

I can’t stress how helpful my degree has been in the day-to-day shepherding of the church to which God has called me and in “as you go” evangelism Jesus commands in the Great Commission.

You can be a qualified pastor without an M.Div., as I said before. In fact, I know many faithful Christians who barely finished high school and tons of ministers whose bachelor’s and master’s degrees in ministry gave them the same tools I received at SWBTS.

But in my context and for my ministry, the value in pursuing more refining and sharpening for ministry has been priceless.

[jihyoruri]

”🎏 anon IS a new stan trying to pass as an og” I never said I was an og 😭😭I sent my first ask march 6.. i just showed up like it was the cat distribution system

second. aurelia clearly ur fanbase is mostly mentally stable than I am because I saw [“I don’t smoke” -richgirlyn] and promptly had a whole breakdown

for those of you who are not in the trenches..

“I don’t smoke” was a song released on September 29th, 2014, part of Mitski’s third studio album, Bury Me at Makeout Creek. It is (in my opinion) one of the best songs on that album, only beat by Texas Reznikoff and Carry Me Out

(although others may argue that Francis Forever and First Love/Late spring were the most impactful songs on that album, and they are also technically the most popular. fun fact! Francis Forever was in adventure time!)

the album contains many other AMAZING songs, such as : Townie, Jobless Monday, Drunk Walk Home (very popular!) I will, and Last Words of a Shooting Star (one of my personal favorites).

did I just list the entire track list? yes! Go listen to mitski’s albums.. they’re so worth it

i digress.. let’s get into what this spells out for richgirlyn.

everything that follows will be my interpretation..

i don’t smoke is about being in a toxic relationship that you can’t let go of— I see it as letting someone destroy and hurt you because you love them so much, or they’re all you’ve ever known— or maybe you’re just self destructive! The song is about letting someone hurt you, so that they can feel better even if it ruins you— it’s to make the person feel better, no matter how much it destroys you— you are there to make [them] feel better.

tldr: the song is about letting someone hurt you so they can feel better

now.. let me just guess here. let me just put these lyrics out and let them marinate. lemme do a lyric analysis real quick.

“I don’t smoke, except for when I’m missing you/to remember your mouth, how it tasted true/And I don’t smoke, except for after I’ve held you, baby/Being with you makes the flame burn good”

Smoking is clearly a destructive habit— it ruins your lungs and your health. The singer (who I’m gonna assume is richgirlyn, metaphorically) smokes to remember their partner (CHAEWONS STUPID ASS) who hurts them (emotionally or physically. we’re not sure. I believe in the context of the song, it’s emotionally)

the singer misses their partner that hurts desperately, so you can already tell this is a toxic codependent relationship. (maybe onesided codependency)

They smoke after they’ve “had” their partner so they will forever correlate smoking with the partner.. I wonder what this means..

“So if you need to be mean, be mean to me/I can take it and put it inside of me/If your hands need to break more than trinkets in your room/you can lean on my arm as you break my heart”

if this is what’s in store I am ruined. like, what do you MEAN this is what my #1 forever is going through… richgirlyn IS GONNA BREAK DOWN (internally).

anyway, this speaks for itself. The singer is offering themselves up to be a punching bag so their partner feels better, because they don’t want their partner in pain and want them to love them.

“I’m what’s left of when we swam under the moon/Now the rest of my days are just waiting for when/You’ve calmed down and tell me, ‘I was meant for you’/Baby, being with you makes the flame burn good”

based on the verse ‘I’m what’s left of when we swam under the moon’, we can guess that the partner was once kind to the singer

the line ‘Now the rest of my days are just waiting for when you’ve calmed down and tell me I was meant for you’ is.. obviously saying that the singer is waiting for their partner to come back to them, or revert to their previously kind self— this is why the singer most likely lets their partner hurt them, offering themself up to placate them in the hopes that ‘this’ll be the last time, and then they’ll go back to loving me’ or something in that vein.

The chorus repeats, and then the bridge:

“Just don’t leave me alone wondering where you are/I am stronger than you give me credit for”

Based on this line, I interpret it as the partner trying to distance themselves/leave the singer, so they can stop hurting them, and the singer clinging on desperately, saying they can’t take it, and to not leave them— they want the partner to stay so bad even if it kills them.

“If your hands need to break more than trinkets in your room/you can lean on my arm as you break my heart”

i always interpret this line as the final plea of the singer for the partner to stay— do I think the partner stays? No, not at all. This song feels like the progression of a toxic relationship, up until the very end.

it’s safe to say if this is what we have in store for richgirlyn, I will genuinely have to be put on some kind of watch.

like.. does she let Chaewon say hurtful things to her and just take it because she likes her.. like we know she gets defensive and fights back but she was like. vulnerable with chaewon.. does the things the members say (maybe not out loud, but she sees their looks..) does it all pile up before she just cracks? does she let them break her heart again and again because she loves them, and.. deep down does she think it’s true sometimes? IM GONNA ACTUALLY LOSE IT😭😭it’s so over for me. i love richgirlyn I���m so glad everyone’s giving her the attention she deserves I KNEW SHE WAS COMPLEX GUYS SHES LITERALLY SO ME😭😭

I’m gonna do a lyric analysis on how richgirlyn’s song is real men (by mitski) good luck I’m gonna go CRAZY😭

sorry for ranting it’s just that I am the #1 mitski fan ever I love her music so much I have her albums on vinyl and have an analysis for every song she’s created, written, or been featured in that’s not on an album (like this is a life, susie save your love, cop car, ego, and broken necks) ps. when I say the singer I am not specifically referring to mitski but what she is embodying. I don’t know anything about her and this is all my interpretation of the song 🙏

-🎏

WOAHHHHHHH THATS A LONG ONE (but I read it) some things ur saying are so correct about what’s going to go down but not all and it’s the way this isn’t even the chapter where she cracks that just proves that it’s gonna be so bad for her

[slasherlouvre]

hiii i was wondering if you could pretty please write something nsfw for Thomas Hewitt. I was thinking something where the reader focuses on taking care of him because he deserves all of the love and attention in the world (and i’m more of a giver myself tbh) Thank youuu❤️

My first request and it’s for some loving, nsfw/t Thomas content?? 🥺

Know that I am giving you an appreciative smooch on the forehead, anon 🤧. Sorry this took so long to put out! I've been super busy, but I really enjoyed spoiling our selfless Tommy in this 💝!! Wasn’t sure if you wanted an x fem reader, so I kept it gender neutral! I hope this gets to you!

Worthy

Thomas Hewitt x gn! Reader

Warnings: size kink, cockwarming, shower sex, overstimulation, creampie, light angst, some language, living in T*xas

Summary: Sometimes even hefty, 6’5, chainsaw-wielding slashers need to be reminded of their value <3

The sun is setting in Fuller Texas, and ironically, your heart begins to feel brighter now than it had the entire blistering day. There’s a slightly noticeable spring in your step that you idly try to quell as you step outside the Hewitt home to bring in the clean sheets you’d hung on the washing line earlier.

You take a moment to admire the yellow-golds that dance across the dry plain, teasing your vision until they inevitably both darken and start to fade. Days at the Hewitt household could be rough- ever a demanding list of tasks needing to be done as soon as the first rays of sunrise touched down on the earth.

Hoyt is difficult on everyone about 'pulling their weight' around the house, but he's especially exacting when it comes to Thomas. For the most part, you tend to stay out of Hoyt’s way to avoid worrying Thomas about your well-being any further; often keeping your head down when completing chores and keeping your mouth shut when he remarks something callous so as not to ‘provoke him’. On the days you manage to finish your chores early- and Hoyt doesn't have a particularly large stick up his ass, you slip away unnoticed to be with your Tommy.

He doesn’t really like having you come down to him when he’s in the basement- there are plenty of ways you could hurt yourself, and he’s afraid your good-natured impression of him will change if you see him in such a brutal setting, but there are few things he can deny you (especially when you come on to him so sweetly). It's mostly within the privacy of your shared bedroom, long after the sun has set, that you're finally able to put the entire day behind you and spend some quality time with the man you love.

Your nights with Thomas are usually quiet, save for a chorus of crickets outside and the noises that normally come with an old house; all other sounds are normally entirely accounted to the words of affirmation you devote to Thomas and the kisses shared between one another. On some nights, your quality time doesn’t evolve much farther than cuddling each other until you both fall asleep in a matter of minutes- too tired from the day's responsibilities for much else, but more than happy to be in each other’s arms.

Solid calloused hands rouse you from your thoughts as they comfortingly settle at your hips, causing you to smile.

"All finished, handsome?", you knowingly remark.

You can feel Thomas' grip tighten just a fraction as he leans in to nod against your neck, essentially hugging you from behind. You're both aware of your warm dampened skin clinging to each other, a tell-tale sign of a hard day's work, but neither of you feel particularly bothered by it enough to keep away from one another despite the heat.

"We still have some time before dinner...", you whisper while leaning into his chest a bit more now, "we can wash up together.."

--------

You undress allowing your used clothing to haphazardly meet the floor while Tommy gets the water running. There’s a comfortable silence between the both of you as he begins to pull off his apron and set it aside, but you walk over and prevent his hands from working any further.

“Let me?”, you ask kindly.

Thomas stares at you for a moment; a thoughtful, soft-hearted expression behind blue. He nods silently, and your hands gingerly run up his chest to grip his tie and begin undressing him. Thomas is more than capable of undressing himself of course, but you always relish in doting on him- especially when the act requires a special kind of trust on his part to allow himself to be vulnerable for you.

He’s tired even if he won’t admit it. You enjoy feeling his tense muscles begin to relax under your touch as you peel away the layers separating the both of you, kissing his scars as you go.

It's impossible for you not to admire his body; you're especially fond of the way the fat of his stomach and thighs are irresistibly complimented by his obvious strength. Thomas is always careful when topping you, but you make it quite clear that you more than take pleasure in feeling his size and weight overwhelm you.

You leave his mask for last as you tenderly lead him to the tub and straddle his lap once he’s settled. Thomas readjusts slightly to help you get comfortable, resting his large hands on your hips again as though second nature, while you reach up to gently undo the straps of his mask. You set it aside and sigh at his lovely features you don’t get to see very often; you can’t help but take a moment to allow your eyes to roam his face, not wanting to forget even a single detail about him.

“I love you, Thomas Brown Hewitt”, you whisper while pressing featherlight kisses to his visage, paying special attention to the places you know he hates most.

There’s a deep resonating sound that begins in his chest, and travels past his lips at that. Even when the guttural noises he makes to communicate with you never fully develop into words, they always reach your heart.

For the most part, Thomas is a quiet man; often suppressing what’s left of his voice in favor of labored breathing even in your most intimate moments. However, he’d realized rather quickly into your relationship that hearing him vocalize flustered you tremendously; always sending a thrilling sensation through your brain and spine somehow akin to excitement, elation, and pleasure all at once. So as he always does, Thomas indulges you when it has to do with your happiness and sexual gratification.

Unsurprisingly, Thomas’ primary love language is ‘acts of service’. It’s a devotional love; one that people often take for granted because of its consistency and altruistic nature. You could never take it for granted- you’re constantly aware and moved by Thomas' love for you even when his methods can be unconventional; grateful for any capacity of affection he has to offer despite his deep-rooted psychological scars.

And while his intentions are pure, Thomas unfortunately has a warped perception when it comes to justifying his selflessness- he sees himself as unworthy of all things good and caring. It's the reason why he normally resists being on the receiving end of such sentiments and actions; a trait you always find yourself fighting against with even more words of affirmation and displays of affection in hopes he'll one day finally understand how much he means to you.

The lukewarm water agitates in a comfortable way around your bodies as Thomas moves to press himself closer against you, returning your adoration with devout kisses of his own. You moan when he sucks at a particularly sensitive spot on your neck, causing you to shamelessly keen into him. His breathing hitches when your hips unintentionally roll against his groin, and he gives you an apologetic look when he begins to harden.

“You don’t have to feel bad, sweetheart, I’m yours”, you reassure him kindly, “I don’t think we have much time before the family starts calling us down for dinner, but…”

You lift yourself off of Tommy’s lap slightly in order to reach down and wrap a hand around his now twitching cock and align him with your entrance.

“-I need you just as badly", you whisper, playfully nipping the shell of his ear, “relax, and let me wash you first?"

Thomas is fully hard now, and you can see he’s struggling to keep his heart rate calm as he intensely keeps contact with your eyes; shakily nodding despite already wanting to give in to his increasingly consuming need for you.

You take it slow, returning to kiss his features softly as you begin to lower, teasing just his tip at first. And while you often enjoy flustering your sweet Tommy, you mostly take it slow for your own sake in this case.

Thomas is a very big man; both in height and heft, so it comes as no surprise that he’s also very well-endowed. It had taken quite a lot of reassurance on your part to convince him this wasn’t a bad thing when you’d first reached the point in your relationship; that you very much enjoyed feeling so full with him even when there had initially been a bit of pain adjusting to him.

Thomas grunts deeply, unconsciously squeezing his hands down and around your smaller form in order to steady himself; an action that has you gasping as you're pushed further on his cock.

He lets his head drop against your shoulder and neck when he finally feels you languidly bottom out around him. He's balls deep in you, and you fell so tight and hot that for a moment he almost loses his composure and begins desperately humping up into you.

You can tell Tommy is trying his very best to remain patient for you, but you can’t resist teasingly rolling your hips to get another shaky moan out of him; feigning innocence as you teasingly reach behind him to grab a bar of soap and a wash cloth.

His face is heated, and you’re sure yours is too, but you very much like seeing him that way. It’s when you start to lather soap over his skin and gently begin scrubbing that he begins to stir; wanting to care for you instead before he’d deal with himself on his own, but you insist, kissing his strong jaw.

“You’re always so selfless, Tommy”, you murmur against his neck.

You meet his eyes now with a fond expression, “I want to take care of you too, it’s important to me- you’re important to me”

You can see it in his eyes, the burden he bears from having to be a constant source of strength for everyone around him. It hurts you to see him be so hard on himself all the time, to see him genuinely think he doesn't deserve the same care he constantly provides. You don't want him to feel that way with you, you always want to be the one he can come to for love and comfort.

“Even if it’s just with me, in private moments like this, it’s okay. You deserve to be loved and cared for, Thomas- I'd never see you as less of a man because of your emotional needs and wants"

At first, he’s not sure if it’s the water making your bodies so slick and soft against one another, your heart beating so securely against his, or the words you’re giving him now that he's always wanted to hear, that finally push him over the edge. He decides it must be everything all at once as tears he no longer thought himself capable of producing appear in his weary blue eyes and his posture inevitably weakens.

You're hugging his head against your shoulder in an instant, running your fingers through his unkempt hair as he lets you comfort him. You know this won't entirely fix things- you'll have to help him again when the emotional pressure inevitably builds inside him once more, and becomes too great. Thomas will continue to be strong and selfless to a fault, but you will continue to love him to a fault as well.

Eventually, he settles as you continue to wash his skin, relishing in the way your hands and chest press against him in the process. It's impossible for him to ignore your walls shifting and squeezing around him as you move to reach across his much bigger body, but he tries to focus more on the tenderness of the act in order to last for you.

After you're satisfied with scrubbing away all traces of the day’s blood, sweat, and grime from his skin, you move to his hair; gently massaging soap into his scalp and working your fingers through any knots that formed during the day. Thomas gives you a relaxed groan at this, he adores the feeling of your gentle hands in any setting, but especially running through his scalp.

Looking after his hair is an affectionate act that just comes naturally to you; often idly moving your fingers through it at night with his head on your chest before you sleep, and in between good morning kisses when he wakes up with a bit of bedhead.

Before you came along, Thomas had never payed any special attention to himself for a good reason. In his eyes he was just some defective, disgusting, freak and everyone in town had certainly made sure he was aware of it. So when you first entered his life, he had withdrawn from you; too afraid of you turning out to be just like the rest, and unwilling to blame you for it if you did. It took a very long time for Thomas to get used to your touch, to trust you really meant what you said you felt for him despite what he had heartlessly been made to think of his appearace.

"Okay, handsome, all ready to rinse", you say giving him a peck on his lips.

It's your turn to scrub your skin and scalp, but you do so with less consideration than you had with Thomas, certain you were both pressed for time now. He has half a mind to insist on washing you too, but his cock is aching at this point and there's a powerful urgency in him to cum in you at least once before you have to separate.

You move to lift yourself off of him and get the shower head running, but Thomas’ hands unintentionally fly down on your hips to instinctively keep you seated on him causing you both to groan. He's letting go a second later, red-faced to have reacted so frenzied with you; gently pulling out now while pressing grateful kisses to your neck.

Your head feels light in a very good way as you now stand under the water with Thomas, wanting nothing more than to get the soap off as quickly as possible to give into your burning need for each other. As soon as this is achieved, you're being ardently kissed on the lips again; an action that has you automatically opening your mouth for him and wrapping your legs over his thickset thighs. He has no trouble lifting you up against the shower wall, and there's certainly no risk of slipping in the heat of the moment with how strong he is.

Thomas normally prefers slow, sensual love making, but you've riled him up quite a bit tonight, and there isn’t much time at the moment either. Regardless, he needs to release the rest of his pent up energy, and you're more than willing to help him with that. But even with how desperate he is to be inside you once more, Thomas searches your eyes for consent before going any further, just as he always does.

"I'm yours", you affirm in between heated pants, "I'm yours, and I want you too-”

It's all the confirmation he needs before he has your back arching, marking your neck with the only claim to be had over you while aligning himself with your entrance once more. You almost laugh when you think about how Tommy always reacts to seeing your neck after a rougher night; worry and guilt being his only emotions as he examines your bruised skin with featherlight fingers thinking he hurt you. You constantly reassure him that isn’t the case, but you definitely don’t complain when it has him kissing and coddling you even more for the next few days.

You’re broken out of your thoughts with a gasp when you suddenly feel Thomas sink into you with one vehement stroke; attentively letting you adjust to the sudden stretch while he worships your body under intense hands and lips- eternally thankful for your presence in his life, your choice in him, and your consent to let him cherish you so physically and so intimately despite his blood-stained hands and the repulsive image he has of himself.

You're shamelessly mewling for him to move now, a sound that arouses Thomas even more if possible. You’re unable to stop yourself from fluttering in his hold with the way he overwhelms you with his size alone. Thomas has always had an ability to drive you crazy with just how full he makes you feel. You're not ashamed of showing him how much his heaviness, both inside and around you, stimulates you either. He has a habit of treating you like you'll break; Luda May raised a gentleman after all, and the last thing he ever wants to do is hurt you- but you always tell him how much you adore feeling his imposing figure completely engulf you and that certainly makes him feel better about it.

“Tommy, please”, you beg beautifully.

Oh, he could never deny you.

He’s snapping his hips up as far as they’ll go in your current position; steady meaningful thrusts that have you squeezing around him and tears forming at the corners of your eyes with how good he’s making you feel now that he’s giving you both the relief you needed, and igniting an even stronger desire all at once. You can’t help pulling yourself into him even further by wrapping your arms around his neck, your head lolling against his every time he penetrates you.

Thomas moves a large hand to delicately have you face him once more in order to kiss you, his other still firmly against your waist to keep you steady on the wet shower wall as he continues to pound into you. You take the opportunity to run your hands down from around his neck to grope at his lovely chest and stomach, keeping up with the desperate liplock in order to distract him when you delicately run your fingers over his happy trail and cup his balls to give them a gentle squeeze.

Thomas gives you a strangled moan at that, biting down on your shoulder just enough to quiet himself, and not actually hurt you as you feel his hips stutter before beginning to fuck you even more fervently. The pleasure Thomas gives you nearly renders you dumb as you feel it electrify your nerves with every time the tip of his cock kisses as far as your walls will allow.

“Tommy! I-”

He responds with an almost animalistic growl; nodding in understanding as he lets his head fall to your chest with his eyes tightly shut, feeling his own high approach. In an instant your breath is hitching; fingernails and legs gripping Thomas impossibly close as you orgasm with a long, broken whine, and quiver around him with an intensity you never want to end. Thomas is heatedly panting against your skin at the feeling, but his cock continues to hammer into your tight, wet hole. It isn’t until he feels you spasming in his firm hold that he looks up to see your blissed out expression; half-lidded eyes with overstimulated tears at their edges, face hot, and pretty swollen lips openly panting. It’s all it takes for him to fervidly rut into you one final time; cock pressed as deeply as it will go, and your hips being pulled down onto him at the same time before he’s spurting and painting your walls white.

The water continues to run while you take a much needed moment to regulate your labored breathing. In your shared stupor, you had both weakly allowed the wet shower wall to ease you down into a half seated position; Thomas still between your legs, only this time on his knees and with his hands steadying himself above you. You give him a lethargic smile as you affectionately wrap your arms around his neck once again and motion for him to lay on you. It’s impossible for you to move him physically, but he gladly obliges you, only he remains careful about actually resting his full weight on you.

For a moment, it’s just comfortable silence; both of you taking pleasure in one another’s existence. Your hands are running through Thomas’ wet hair again and you can feel the shower’s water rhythmically thrum against his broad back, reverberating under your fingertips. His heart is still beating powerfully against you, and you take a moment to lazily press your lips against his cheek as you feel his warm seed seep out of you despite him still being fully sheathed within you.

“I love you, Tommy”

Thomas leans up to give you a heartfelt expression and a short throaty groan you know to be his way of saying, ‘I love you too’.

You were sure Hoyt would be hollering for the two of you to come down to the dinner table any second now, but with Tommy’s forehead lovingly pressed against yours, and having him so comfortingly in your arms, you couldn’t find it in yourself to care.

--------

“Dance with me, love?”

There’s a soft melody playing from the living room’s record player when he comes to tell you the rest of the family has gone to sleep for the night. You’re gazing at him so endearingly with your hand outstretched that he would have instantly agreed even if you had asked him to walk on fire. And his heart never fails to swell when he hears you address him with such sweet names he considers so uncharacteristic for his appearance.

Thomas’ steps are clear and comforting against the hardwood floor before he’s securely wrapping his thickset arms around you and tenderly pressing his forehead down against your own once more. The night is cool; allowing for an appreciated breeze to flow through a nearby open window while the two of you peacefully sway at a slow-moving pace with your eyes closed and your hearts full.

“I hope you never doubt how much you mean to me”, you whisper genuinely, “You don’t have have to hurt yourself trying to ‘deserve’ my love for you, Thomas. You’re more than worthy of it just as you are”

His blue eyes look tearful again, but he’s embracing you warmly before you can really be sure.

God, he loves you.

You can’t imagine anything on earth feeling safer, or more soothing than being in Tommy’s arms. And it’s in those same arms that Thomas carries you up the stairs to your shared bedroom once the lovely melody ends.

[chironshorseass]

I just read your post about Percy’s claiming and it made me want to know your thoughts on Percy’s fight with Hyperion. Like, he not only summoned a hurricane and kicked Hyperion’s ass, but he summoned the hurricane on accident.

anon thank you for reminding me of this moment because yes, i have things to say lmao. 

what’s so interesting to me is how percy reacts to his powers in that scene. as i've said in my earlier post, percy seems to easily get the hang of his abilities. but even in the first book, he doesn’t question why he could control the toilet water or rly anything. he just went with it and didn’t hesitate. which, to be fair, isn’t unexpected at all. because come on, who doesn’t want to have hydrokinesis and use it to their advantage? 

my point is that i feel like percy has always had this instinct, that the sea is within him. why else would it be so easy to have that much control without proper training? that’s why percy just kinda shrugged when grover was like, “hey you’re making a hurricane. how the fuck are you doing that?” 

because again, it feels so natural to him. and i mean it when i say that he has the sea inside of him, because a hurricane can only be created in the ocean. not me double checking how a hurricane is created. but basically, percy would not only have to have manipulated another state of water, which is gas, but he also played around with temperatures of the lake, or whatever body of water him and hyperion were in. i'm too lazy to check sorry. for a hurricane to form, it has to come from warm, tropical waters and then mix with cool air, so like...what i'm going with this is that he’s kind of like, a personal ocean. he can just spring out whatever fucking ability the sea has to offer just. like. that. 

again, he has his father’s nature. he canonically has anger issues but is also a sweet boy—until you mess with him, that is. he is unpredictable to most, but if you really study him, you’ll know exactly what he’s going to do, and others say that he smells like salty air. the water restores him, it can heal him and protect him. in tlo, he channeled the sea when he was on the princess andromeda while fighting kronos to be able to unfreeze himself. 

it’s no wonder he doesn’t want to be controlled. it’s no wonder every time he witnesses something new about himself, he just wants more, like when he was cleaning the stables. (i've already mentioned this in my first post but) he just wants more freedom, more destruction. and he doesn’t mean for it to be that way, but it’s in his nature. that’s why i think that his name is so fitting. destroyer. like damn.

idk, but it seems to me that there’s more that’s going on than just: “he has ocean powers because of his dad” kinda take. like okay, yes...he does possess them because of poseidon, but it just feels like he literally shares a connection to the ocean. his essence, if you discount his mortality, is the ocean. 

so it’s honestly no surprise that hyperion didn’t stand a chance against him. hyperion is the titan of “heavenly light,” and like i said, percy represents the ocean. if he could create a hurricane, he is immediately blocking out the titan’s source of power. the ocean is destructive, the ocean has been feared since the beginning of time, though it has also been heavily admired. it destroys cities, has sunk millions of ships, has created the most powerful storms. and still people get mislead, underestimating it, time and time again. the ocean has more power than we could ever comprehend—again, no surprise there as to why percy has been considered one of the most, if not the most powerful demigod, if he himself is linked to the sea. and we know that water lets him manipulate it, even if poseidon himself has mentioned that the sea doesn’t like to be restrained. but if percy’s technically the sea itself, then...making anything that’s liquid do his bidding is generally a piece of cake for him. at least for some period of time. 

apart from some exceptions with other immortals, his most epic fights were with hyperion and ares, and it’s good to note that he defeated them both in his element. but he’s also learned to summon the sea in the middle of texas, so...it just makes me batshit crazy how he doesn’t get it. at all. he just goes with the flow, ignorant to how much potential he has. how much raw, primitive power he’s got inside of him, ready to be unleashed. i just know that he could easily defeat other deities now, seeing that his abilities have grown drastically during pjo and hoo. if he can summon hurricanes and control temperatures, if he can make a bridge split in half, if he can bloodbend, control poisons, blow up a volcano...dude DUDE. imagine him willing the ocean to part for him like moses I—

[wiypt-writes]

Sunny Side Up

Summary: Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, right? And for Mike, there’s no better way to start it than by eating his favourite thing, ever.

Pairing: Mike Weiss x Reader

Warnings: Smut (NSFW, 18+) Brief mentions of drug addiction- nothing graphic. Language!

A/N: So this was what popped into my head after seeing @imanuglywombat​ post that damned latest Sex Position as part of her downright filthy and wonderful “Is That Even A Sex Position” weekly challenge. This position is called “The Special Breakfast”. See here for more information. And you can totally blame @sweater-daddiesdumbdork​ for this one. I wasn’t gonna write it but…yeah, I did. Sorry not sorry.  I’ve tried to make the reader as non-descript and as inclusive as I can but I don’t usually do reader x fics so I apologise if it hasn’t quite hit the mark.

Disclaimer: This is a pure work of fiction and classified as 18+. Please respect this and do not read if you are underage. I do not own any characters in this series bar the reader.  By reading beyond this point you understand and accept the terms of this disclaimer.

Tagged my permanent tag list.

Main Masterlist

********

“No, that’s not the same, at all.” Mike’s voice drifted up the hallway of you house as you closed the door behind you, shutting out the bitter January wind that has descended over Dover. “Yeah, well they signed up to the terms so....”

You glanced at your watch, it wasn’t even seven-AM yet and he was already on to someone about the current case he was working. But then, that was Mike all over. An addict, only now you were glad to say the only thing flooding his system was adrenaline and passion for his work.

You hung your jacket up on the pegs by the door, unwrapped your woollen scarf from round your neck and placed that over the hook above your jacket and then reached down to unzip you boots, before toeing them off. Your sock clad feet padded down the wooden floor of the hall towards the kitchen and you walked in to see Mike was bent over a file on the island in the middle, already dressed for the office.

“Clause ninety-one, paragraph twenty, sub-bullet two. Yup. We’ll present that to them today, give them chance to respond.” He paused for a moment, his head turning to you, a warm smile spreading across his face as you leaned over for a quick peck before you headed to the fridge for a soda. “Yeah. Okay, no problem, see you about half eight.”

With that he placed the cordless phone down and turned to face you.

“Morning, Baby.” He grinned, before he nodded to the Diet Coke in your hand. “Interesting choice of drink for breakfast.”

“Technically it’s not my breakfast time.” You shrugged back. “More like dinner, I suppose.”

Mike chuckled as he crossed to space towards you, his hands falling to your hips before he bent down and brushed his lips against yours in a hardly there kiss. “Good shift?”

“A heart attack, car accident, two broken legs, couple of flu cases and a shit tonne of idiotic drunks, the finest Delaware has to offer.” You shrugged. “Usual shit.”

“I don’t know how you do it, Dr Y/L/N”

“Lucky for you I do, or we’d have never met.”

“And I’d be dead.”

“Don’t.” You shook your head, swallowing a little. The memory of that night almost eighteen months ago was still raw. If you hadn’t stopped by at Mike’s that evening following an argument the pair of you had earlier in the day, you’d never have found him almost dead from an overdose. It had been a long road to recovery, and whilst nothing was ever proven, Mike and Paul were convinced that it was something to do with the safety needle case they had been working. Despite the fact that there was enough heroin in his system to stop his heart, Mike swore blind to you he hadn’t taken anything but a few lines that night, and there was something about the way he said it that made you believe him. And so did Paul.

The authorities never managed to prove anything, but there was one good thing to come out of it. When you had broken down and told Mike how scared you’d been that he was going to die and that you couldn’t cope anymore with the constant fear that one day he would kill himself for real, it gave Mike the final kick he needed because he didn’t want to lose you.

So he got clean. And this time he did it for good.

It wasn’t easy, for either of you. Once he was medically fit enough, Mike had been placed on a programme at a Rehab Centre, whereby he saw no one bar trained medical specialists and councillors for six weeks. It felt like the longest six weeks of your life but he did it. And when you went to pick him up, you instantly burst into tears at how different he looked, how better he looked, how healthy he looked.

The road to recovery is a long one, paved with temptations, you knew that being a Doctor. And whilst Mike knew and understood his triggers thanks to his programme, those temptations met him everywhere, especially because he knew exactly where and how to get his fix. So the pair of you agreed to take a fresh start. You traded Texas for Delaware, the State you were originally from, and you were beyond proud to be able to honestly state that Mike Weiss had been clean now for eighteen months. Well, apart from alcohol that is. But even that was enjoyed in moderation, and to be honest, you’d rather him sit at home with a glass or two of bourbon each night that sticking fuck knows what into his veins.

You cocked your head to one side as his hands flexed on your hip and he gave you a little side smile. “Sorry. Oh, hey guess who I got a call from?”

“Who?” You asked as he stepped back, grinning.

“The Alligator Farm. Snappy’s got himself a lady friend. They’re gonna send me some photos and stuff.”

You smiled, giving up that beloved alligator had been a hard sell to Mike. “That’s great.”

“Yeah. Oh and Paul was thinking of coming over with the family in the spring. I said they could stay here, I know it’ll be a squeeze but is that okay?”

“Course it is.” You reached up to cup his cheek. “It’ll be lovely to see them again.”

Mike smiled and dropped another kiss to your lips, this one slightly stronger before you pat his chest as he rest his forehead against yours.

“I need to go shower.”

“Want me to come join you?” He asked, eyebrow raised and you smiled.

“As good as that sounds there’s something else I want more.”

“Oh yeah?” He grinned, his eyes flickering down to the buttons on your blouse and you laughed.

“Calm down, Stud. I want pancakes and bacon, I don’t give a shit what time it’s supposed to be for me.”

Mike groaned as you moved away from where you’d been stood with your back to the large, stainless steel fridge and headed out of the room. He watched you go, the gently sway of your hips in your well fitted black pants made his groin twitch. He was half tempted to fuck your demands and go and jump you in the shower whether you wanted him to or not, but he’d seen the flicker your face had given when you’d described how your twelve-hour shift had gone down. Despite your blasé tone, he knew you too well and understood exactly how tired and stressed you were feeling. So, instead, he turned his attention to making breakfast.

Something he prided himself on was his cooking ability. He’d picked it up pretty fast since you’d moved here, he found it was a welcome distraction, so much so you very rarely made meals now, bar when you insisted on doing a roast which he never argued against.  Within fifteen minutes he had a stack of pancakes, bacon, eggs- sunny side up, as you preferred- all laid out on the island and ready for you to help yourself to. He’d just poured you an orange juice when you walked back into the kitchen, hair piled on your head in a messy bun, wrapped in a dressing gown and he was pleased to see you looked relaxed.

“Oh, Mikey, this looks great!” You smiled as he wrapped an arm round you, kissing your head. He watched as you helped yourself to a huge plateful before making your way over to the table and sitting down with a sigh. Mike tucked his tie into his shirt to avoid it dropping into his food and plated himself a helping up before he sat down at the place next to you, cracking his neck slightly. The pair of you chatted about the day ahead, which for you consisted of sleeping until it was time to get up for your next shift, Mike’s contained a meeting with a company who he was currently in the process of negotiating a settlement with on behalf of a client. When you’d finished, Mike made to clear away the dishes but you gently placed your hand on his arm and stood up, insisting on doing it as he’d cooked.

When you returned to the table, Mike pushed his chair back slightly and patted his knee.

“Come ‘ere.” He smiled softly and you grinned, settling yourself on his lap sideways, your arm looping round his shoulder, fingers gently playing with his suspenders. He gave a contented sigh as he wrapped his arms around you and pressed a kiss to your head, happy to simply be close to you for a moment.

“You doing okay?” You asked and he smiled, your words carrying that hidden meaning- ‘Do you want a fix, today?’

“I’m good, Babes.” He pulled back to look at you. “I promise.”

Smiling you gently placed your lips on his in a soft kiss, which soon became heated as Mike’s hand slid up to the back of your neck, holding you in place as his tongue slid along your bottom lip. He was pleased when you reciprocated, opening your mouth slightly to allow him in. He could taste the sweetness of the syrup on you from your pancakes and, as your tongue gently swirled against his, he let out a little groan from the back of his throat and he felt you smile.

“How long till you have to be in the office?” Your voice was lower than you’d intended, betraying exactly what you had in mind and Mike grinned at you, pulling back a little, as he glanced up at the clock.

“Just over forty-five minutes, why?”

You bit your lip, fingers toying once more with his suspenders which were clipped to the waistband of his light, grey trousers and sat over a maroon shirt, set off with a black tie. “Do I gotta spell it out to you, Weiss?”

“No, I just like hearing you beg.” A cheeky glint flashed in his eyes and you gave a snort.

“I do not beg.”

“Really?” He arched an eyebrow and in a swift moment he stood up, causing you to give a shriek of a giggle as he sat you on the table in front of him. “I bet,” he pushed on your shoulders causing you to rest your weight on your elbows as he loomed over you, gently reaching for the tie on your robe, “that I can have you singing my name and begging for more,” his hands made quick work of the knot and pulled it open, before his fingers slid up the front, opening it to leave you bare in front of him, “in less than five minutes flat.”

“Less than five minutes?” You looked up at him, his eyes blown with lust and you smirked. “You’re so full of shit.”

He wasn’t though, you knew full well that you were the one full of shit. Mike had on many an occasion had you crying his name in less time than it took you to sing a verse of the National Anthem, and he knew it as the cocky expression on his face showed.

“Oh, Baby Girl.” He chuckled, bending over, his mouth brushing against that spot on your neck, the bristles of his short beard scratching your skin. “Have you learnt nothing, yet?”

“Only that you’re a cocky little bastard.” You tried to keep your voice level but it didn’t work. Your words came out a shaky whisper as one of his hands gently splayed on your stomach and brushed up your body to your sternum as he peppered hot, opened mouthed kisses across your collar bone, before his lips ghosted up your neck, over your chin and his mouth claimed yours in a searing kiss as his hand palmed at your breast. As he rolled your nipple between his finger and thumb you gave a moan and he smirked against your mouth.

Suddenly, he was gone from over you and you frowned, missing his sudden presence and you propped yourself up on your elbows to see him settling back in the chair by the table.

“Mike, what the-“

You were cut off as he reached over, grabbing your ass and hoisting your pelvis up, pulling you towards him. Before you could register what was going on, your legs were over his shoulders and you just caught a glimpse of his face, as he quirked an eyebrow at you, lips curled upwards in that maddeningly smug bastard grin, before his mouth was trailing up the inside of your thigh.

“Oh, Jesus.” You let out a little groan as he neared the place you now desperately wanted him and he chuckled.

“No, just me.”

“Fuck off you-“ But whatever it was you were going to call him flew from your mind as his tongue licked up your sex, and grazed against your clit, teasing it with quick, hardly there flicks which, you were ashamed to say, had you riled up something feral. His hands palmed at your ass, his fingers curling round the outside of your thighs as he quickened his movements, his mouth expertly devouring you, tongue flicking into your entrance as his lips circled that sensitive nub, giving a suck that made you cry out, your back arching off the table, pushing yourself further onto his face.

Mike let out a chuckle which vibrated exquisitely against you and you gasped again, your hands slapping onto the cool surface of the table, fingernails feeling the grain of the wood as he upped his efforts dramatically, lips and tongue teasing you in a way that was so delectable it was teetering along that fine line between pain and pleasure. His mouth expertly devoured every inch of you, from your inner and outer pussy lips to the depths of your walls, tongue fucking you like you he was starving, despite the breakfast the pair of you had eaten moments ago.

“Fuck, Mike, I need…” Your voice was croaky, the words sounded far off as they bounced around your lust addled brain and once again he chuckled.

“I told you.”

“Yeah, yeah you arrogant sh-oooh fuck!” You cried as he gently nipped your clit. “Shit!”

You were willing yourself to remain grounded, wanting to prove him wrong but you couldn’t. You couldn’t fight the urge you felt to ride over the edge which was building like a fire inside you. When his mouth was over you completely once more, tongue deep, you felt him move one of his hands and his thumb pressed against your clit, before the pressure eased off and his tongue slipped away.

"Okay, okay you win, Mike, please for the love of God!” You groaned and with a final, maddeningly smug chuckle he dove back in, only this time when you felt your orgasm brewing he didn’t stop. One of your hands flew to his hair, pulling lightly on his soft, spiky strands and he gave a growl as you tugged, his efforts doubling once more as his beard scratched against your sensitive pussy and inner thighs. The coil in your belly was tightening, your entire body quivered and with a final flick of his tongue you gave a cry as your orgasm crashed over you. Your toes curled into his back just below his shoulders, your own back arched as your walls clamped down over nothing, the room fading out as everything went silent and the lights erupted in front of your eyes, your entire body feeling like you were floating.

Mike grinned, guiding you through your release before he stood up, pulling you further to the end of the table as he undid the flies on his trousers, freeing his painfully hard erection. The swollen head of his dick gently swirled around your folds before he buried himself inside you, groaning as he felt you fluttering around him in the after throes of your orgasm. You let out a low groan and finally opened your eyes, looking up at him as he pounded into you, fully clothed, those fucking suspenders that drove you wild still looped over his shoulders.  

He slid one, large hand under your back and pulled you up causing you to cry out as he drove deeper into you, his hand on the base of your back pulling you up and towards him as he dipped his head to give you a dirty, sloppy kiss whilst he rolled and thrust into you. Then His lips moved down, nipping at your neck, his breath hot on your ear as your head fell back, a low moan rumbling in his throat.

“God, I love seeing you like this, fucking wrecked all because of me.” His panted words made you groan even more as the heat in your groin was beginning to mount again. “Makes me higher than any fucking drug ever could.”

His thrusts continued, hard, deep, and you felt his dick throbbing inside you as he drove up against your spot, his lips back on yours as he kissed you hard, swallowing the pants and whimpers you were making as you began to teeter on that cliff edge again. With a deep roll of his hips you let out a low wail and came, once more, your core spasmed around him as your entire body tingled, and that was enough for him to follow you. With a powerful thrust he stiffened, a low grunt stuttering from his lips as he pulsed inside of you, his hips growing sloppy before they stopped completely. His chest heaving, he pressed his forehead to yours, the pair of you gasping for breath as you came down from your high.

“Shit, Mike.” You managed to stutter as he grinned, his lips meeting yours in a soft peck. “That was…”

“Yeah, I was pretty good.” He chuckled and you slapped his arm as he moved and pulled out of you. You straightened your robe and stood up, wincing as you felt his release trickled down your inner thigh.

“I need another shower.” You grumbled, before you glanced at his crotch, the damp patch where he’d pressed against you was clear as day. “And you should probably change your trousers.”

Mike glanced down before his eyes met you, and he shrugged. “Maybe I won’t. Maybe I’ll go into the office like this and then every time I see it I’ll be reminded exactly what a damned good breakfast I had this morning.”

You blinked before you shook your head, scoffing. “You’re gross.”

He laughed. “You love it, Sweetheart.”

“I love you.” You corrected, your hands sliding up over his shoulders and he smiled, a pure, innocent smile that made him look like a schoolboy before he took your face in his hands and kissed you deeply, pulling away, his nose bumping against yours.

“I love you too.” He whispered, his eyes locking onto yours. “Now go, before I decide to play hooky for the day.”

“Don’t tempt me with a good time, Weiss.” You smirked, before with one final quick peck you left the room.

Mike watched you go, before he ran his hands through his hair and turned to glance around the kitchen, his eyes falling to the table he’d just fucked you senseless on.

He should probably clean that before he went to work…

[brattyfics]

— until we meet again, preciosa

PAIRING || bishop losa x black!ofc, miguel galindo x black!ofc (mentioned)

SUMMARY || She’s not his, and she won’t ever be, so he leaves her with words whispered like a promise. “Until we meet again, preciosa.”

TAGS || angst, unresolved feelings, not a hea, mentions of toxic relationships, sex (referenced).

WORD COUNT || 1.6k

Shadowy clouds hang overhead, blocking out the warming glow of the Sun. Raindrops pelt the roof above, drumming a beat of their own before pooling down to the concrete paved streets below. Isis watches stray droplets gather on the tall windows for several moments before stepping out onto the covered balcony. It felt colder than usual inside the three-story, Spanish-style shophouse, but outside it’s the opposite-- balmy, earthy. The air is heavy with humidity, so she has to take deep breaths, but she doesn’t enjoy it any less. Invigoration comes with the rain, brings hope for new beginnings, renews faith for the hopeless.

Down below, people dart between vendors to continue their shopping as the rain lightens. Colorful rays spring from puddles up towards the sky. A pair of young siblings splash each other while their mother sells delicious smelling tamales wrapped in banana leaves. Another young woman peddles gold necklaces, praying candles, and other little knick-knacks to the tourists of Sonora. Everybody has to make a living, including Isis.

She spends her days stroking the strings of a guitar or the keys of her piano, helping patrons of the music shop in between. The ground floor of the shophouse boasts string instruments and an extensive collection of vinyl records. After hours, she makes money hosting private piano lessons. She performs at the Discoteca down the street on weekends, fueling her passion for music almost 24/7 except when Preciosa is closed for ‘maintenance’.

Overstock merchandise and whatever else the Mayans’ Motorcycle Clubs needs to store clutters the second floor. Don’t ask, don’t tell is her motto, so whenever they come to the shop, she simply flips the sign to closed. There’s no point in fighting it. Besides, El Presidente always makes it a bearable, if not pleasant, experience. Bishop had called ahead to warn her that he was bringing Hank, Angel, and the new prospect, Angel’s baby brother, along. She could hear them bumping around, a noisy reminder that her shop only thrived because of the illegal deals happening in the back.

“Why don’t you put all that time and energy into something that’ll get you somewhere?” Being a musician wasn’t an acceptable career in her mother’s eyes, so the woman took every chance she could to crush her daughter’s dreams. “Nobody wants to hear all that noise!” Staring out into the street, she can’t help but wonder where she would’ve ended up if her mother had been supportive. Maybe she could have been a star rising to the top of Billboard charts or someone who worked behind the scenes, writing songs, singing demos. She had the skill set. Yes, her path would have been much different.

Isis had stood front and center, crooning out an old school blues song at a hole-in-the-wall spot when Miguel Galindo first laid eyes on her. It was a chance meeting, one that felt like fate at the time because dive bars weren’t his scene. The owner was a business associate who decided to try his hand at being a restaurateur; Miguel had been kind enough to come out and support. When he caught sight of her shapely frame in a slinky, satin number, he insisted on being introduced.

Miguel stood out in a crowd, wearing a tailored button-down, dark dress pants, and an expensive pair of Italian leather shoes. His salt and pepper beard groomed to perfection, hair gelled so that no strand was out of place. The moment she’d looked into his eyes, she was caught in his web. His masculine scent drew her in like honey to a bee. His charisma held her attention. Miguel sweet-talked her all night, insisting Isis sit next to him, eat h’orderves, and drink overpriced champagne. She obliged. Who could say no to that face? He used their close proximity to reel her in like a fish on a hook, leaning down to whisper in her ear. You’re beautiful. He told her. You have such a smooth, seductive tone. You should be performing for bigger crowds. Have you ever thought about branching out? He told her everything her mother never had, so she was a lamb to the slaughter.

For months, Miguel had treated her like his very own LifeSize doll to play with. He took her on shopping sprees, kept her draped in silk and lace. Isis didn’t think of herself as materialistic, but she couldn’t deny being showered in gifts felt splendid. He was always so tender, handling her delicately as his newest prized possession. As time went on, she became more like an ornament. Something for him to marvel at when he felt like it and then hide away the rest of the time. But nothing was worse than him leaving her to harden after he was finished molding her like clay. She asked for more—time, commitment, only for him to do the opposite.

Thus, Preciosa was born. A way for him to placate her and later make it easier for the M.C. to make him money.

“Just a few more minutes, and we’ll be out your way.” Isis jumped at the sound, turning away from the street to see Bishop. She hadn’t heard him come outside; didn’t expect him to venture up into her personal space.

Isis’ smile rarely reached her eyes, Bishop noticed. He stepped forward, holding a velvet box that felt heavier than it was. Her fingertips tickled him as he passed it over. Diamonds surrounded in white gold gleamed as the clouds cleared away for the Sun. Even Bishop could admit the set was gorgeous, but she didn’t look impressed. He hated being Galindo’s delivery boy, watching the way her face fell when the gifts she received became increasingly impersonal with each week. Not long ago, he’d also been tasked with passing along handwritten love notes or antique music sheets that she caressed like she would a lover’s skin.

“Thank you.”

She couldn’t hide her disappointment from him. Not for lack of trying-- Miguel always reminded her, appearances were everything. Smile. Don’t make me look bad. But Bishop watched her closely, knew her tells. Despite every nerve in his brain urging him to walk away, he steps forward to stand next to her. His calloused hands rest on the balcony’s edge next to her delicate pair, brown in varying tones of sepia and mahogany contrasting against the white paint.

Bishop feels the heat of her eyes on his frame, but he doesn’t let himself respond. Sharing this moment, a quick breath of fresh air will have to be enough. But she’s all around him, smelling of florals and sweet spices. He can’t think. He fumbles with his pockets in search of a cigarette. “You mind?” She shakes her head but is otherwise silent. Still watching him as he smokes; the way he takes long, steady pulls, cradling the stick between his full lips and then between his strong, veined fingers. She would bet her last dollar that he was an expert at other things involving his fingers and mouth.

When his hand drops again, she links her pinky with his, hesitant but exploratory.

Bishop looks at her, really looks at her like he sees her. It’s nice to be seen, especially when you’re the princess locked up far, far away from everyone you’ve ever known. She’s a black girl from Texas living in Sonora for goodness’ sake. This is no life, and she knows it. Several moments pass where neither can look away, both weighing their desires with the potential consequences.

With a deep breath in, she musters up the courage to ask Bishop what she’s been wanting to for months.

“Stay?”

Her heart feels like it might just explode while she waits for a response.

Bishop drops his head to his chest, cursing under his breath. “Fuck.” If Miguel ever found out… But he already knew what his answer would be. He’d been waiting for the invitation. The heated looks they exchanged, the way her fingers lingered on his when he passed her something. That damned pout she wore when Miguel forgot to send a flower arrangement-- she had no idea Bishop had been the one buying the flowers for some time now. No matter what mood she was in, fresh flowers always brightened her day. He loved watching that lonely look transform into something more lively, curious as she marveled over his choice for the week. He went for variety, slowly learning what she loved and what she just liked; her favorite color, favorite scent.

The subtle tension between them, he wasn’t even certain she noticed. The cash and the bling could’ve blinded her to all other men. But it didn’t.

When the Sun had gone down several hours later, and the guys were gone, Bishop redressed. Belt buckling with a clink, leather sliding over his shoulders easily. He let himself take one last look at her wrapped up in a poofy comforter set. The mustard-yellow velvet complimented her skin in the best way, bringing out a gold undertone. Her eyes seem to have brightened as well. He couldn’t resist leaning over to stroke her sweaty skin. Dark coils stuck to her beautiful face, frizzy in some parts from when she rode him, sweat escaping from her pores, flat in the others from when he laid her on her back and hooked her legs over her shoulders.

He wants to stay, to prop himself up against the intricately carved wood headboard and hold her in his lap while they whisper sweet nothing to each other, but he can’t.

She’s not his, and she won’t ever be, so he leaves her with words whispered like a promise. “Until we meet again, preciosa.”

NOTES || This fic and the collage above was inspired by @isisafrofairy’s gorgeous moodboard! Also, the wonderful “Until we meet again, preciosa” line is hers as well. This is my thank you for the moodboard you made for me. I really leaned on the pictures you used for inspiration and I think I managed to capture/include each element. It was so hard not to ruin the surprise, but I was able to shut tf up for once 😂 I’m really proud of how this turned out, and hopefully you enjoy it just as much! Also, I realize the moodboard had nothing to do with Miguel but he lives in my head rent-free apparently 🥴

GENERAL TAGLIST || @woahitslucyylu @briannab1234 @sheeshgivemeabreak @breakingnewsin-no-oneasked @angelreyesgirl @blessedboo @glimmerglittergirl @apantherinmypastlife @brownsugarcoffy @marvelmaree @starrynite7114 @scuzmunkie @thewarriorprincessxo @sadeyesgf @pearlkitten33 @imanerdychubbyqueen @literaturefeen @ourlittlesecretsoveragain @everyhowlmarksthedead @yourwonkywriter @trulysuccubus @sparklemichele @luckyharley1903 @thesandbeneathmytoes​ @amorestevens​

MAYANS M.C. TAGLIST || @cant-decide-at-this-moment

[idreamofplaid]

Moonlight Whiskey

Square Filled: Whiskey for @walker-bingo & Established Relationship for @girl-next-door-writes Make Me Feel Bingo

Summary: Cordell plans a romantic night for the reader that brings back memories from decades ago.

Rating: Explicit

Characters: Cordell x Reader; Emily mentioned

Word Count: 4040

Created for @walker-bingo & @girl-next-door-writes Make Me Feel Bingo

“We’re almost there.” Cordell’s voice held a hint of excitement. Whatever this was he had planned for you, he was happy with himself about it; and that made you happy. It was past time Cordell let himself feel happy again.

You lifted your fingers to the bandana covering your eyes. It had slipped a little, and you pushed it back into place. If it fell much lower, you might be tempted to peek, and you didn’t want to ruin Cordell’s surprise. He knew your inclinations, and when he saw what you were doing; he issued you a playful warning. “Keep the blindfold on.”

This entire night already had you feeling good, and you played along. “Is this something kinky, Cord?”

You felt his hand settle on your thigh. “Not that I don’t want to get kinky with you, baby, but not tonight.”

You put your hand over his and moved your fingers lightly over his long, thick ones.  That was part of the beauty of Cordell. His hands were strong. You’d seen those fingers wrapped around a rope while he rode a bull. His hands were strong enough to keep him on the back of that massive animal. 

They were also gentle. When he touched you, he made you feel like something precious, and his gentle touch could set you on fire. You shifted slightly in your seat at the thought.

The truck came to a stop, and Cordell cut the engine. “Sit tight, baby. I’ll be right around to get you.”

It was only a few seconds before your door opened, and Cordell’s hand was on your arm to help you out of the truck. “Watch your step, darlin’.”

The ground was a little uneven beneath your feet. It made you wonder where you were. After a few steps, Cordell stopped you and put his hands on your shoulders, turning you to face the direction he wanted.

You could feel him untying the bandana at the back of your head, and it slipped from your eyes. When you saw the landscape in front of you, your mouth fell open; and you put your hand over it. “Cord, you didn’t.”

His smile was so big it brought his dimples out to play. “Happy Anniversary, baby.” His arms circled around your waist, and he pushed your hair to the side so he could kiss the back of your neck. 

You closed your eyes, enjoying the feel of his soft lips on your skin. “Cordell, that’s really romantic, but it isn’t our anniversary. He opened his mouth a little to suck on your neck.

“Yes, it is. It’s the anniversary of when we almost had sex on prom night. Right here.” You opened your eyes to take a good look at the lake. This was the exact spot he’d brought you after the prom when you had just turned sixteen and he was the dashing older boy who was way too cute and adorable. You hadn’t had a chance and had fallen for him hard.

You smiled at his attempt to be sentimental. He never had been good with dates. “Cord, this isn’t the right day.”

He turned you in his arms and pulled you up against him. “Well, it was April,” he said, “and you looked beautiful that night.” He smiled when he said it, and it made him more handsome and more charming than any man had a right to be.

You laughed. This man had always had the talent to make you happy, even when he was a boy. “Yes, it was April.”

He kissed you slowly with a touch of tease, promising something more to come. Cordell lifted his lips from yours, and he smiled at you again. “I thought we could have a do over. Maybe I’ll be luckier tonight than I was then.” He grinned at you with a particular gleam in his eye.

You licked your lips. “As I recall, you were the one who put the brakes on that night.”

He chuckled. “I did, but I had a very good reason for that.”

You slid your hand down to grip his ass. “And what reason was that?”

He lowered his head, and you could have sworn you saw him blush behind the beard. “I had no idea what I was doin’ because... I was a virgin.”

You’d never known that. Girls were all over Cordell in high school. You’d just assumed.

He nodded toward the bed of his truck. “Would you let me try to make things a little better for you than they were that night?”

For a second you forgot to respond because the moonlight was shining in his gray blue eyes. “You left me aching for you, Cord.” You said it with a touch of lightheartedness, but it was the absolute truth.

His smile was hypnotizing, his eyes serious.“You weren’t the only one who was aching.”

You put your hand on his cheek. “Let’s make sure that doesn’t happen tonight.”

He nuzzled that sweet spot beneath your ear. “I’m not going to leave you wantin’ for anything tonight, babygirl.”

Then Cordell took your hand and led you over to the back of the truck. He lowered the tailgate and climbed inside. There was a rolled up sleeping bag that he unfurled and laid out across the bed. Then he reached for your hand and helped you up.

He sat down, leaned his back against the cab, stretched his legs out in front of him and extended his hand in invitation to you. You took his offered hand in yours and sat down next to him, tucking your legs beneath you.

Cordell put his arm around you, pulling you close, and you put your head on his shoulder. It seemed that all the stars were out tonight, and it was even more romantic than that night all those years ago had been. If that was even possible, because you had been head over heels in your first love then.

That first love had never left you. He’d moved on, and you had tried. You’d even moved away from Austin for a while. It had just been too painful to see him with Emily, but moving to another state or anything else you’d tried had never erased him from your memory. No other man had ever measured up to him.

You let yourself just feel this moment. Cordell’s arm was around you. He was choosing you, and you wouldn’t ponder too much on if his decision would be the same if Emily were still alive. He was with you now.

You buried your nose into his neck and inhaled his scent, wanting nothing more than to lose yourself in him. He kissed the top of your head and asked, “Hey, you okay.”

His instincts were good. What else could you expect from a Texas Ranger? “I’m fine, Cord. I was just thinking.”

He combed his fingers through your hair. “What ARE you thinking?”

You turned your head to kiss his neck. It wasn’t possible to say it out loud. You couldn’t tell him how much he actually meant to you, how you really felt about him. In your mind, you were still second choice to Emily. If she were still alive, you wouldn’t even be here. That knowledge didn’t encourage a complete reveal of your feelings for him.

Instead, you told him “I was just thinking about that night.” 

Cordell laced his fingers through yours. “Will you tell me what you were thinking?”

You chewed on your bottom lip for a minute, contemplating how much you should share with him at this point in your relationship. Part of you knew how he felt about you, even if he hadn’t said it. Another part of you knew he was focused on his kids right now, and you supported him in that. They had lost their mother, and Cordell was doing his best to help them through that. You loved him even more BECAUSE he was a good father.

It was that third part of you that was causing you so much trouble. Emily might be gone, but the specter of her loomed large in your mind. You’d been Cordell’s girlfriend first, sort of, but then Emily had come sweeping into his life and just like a spring storm that was fast and furious; she popped up out of nowhere. It wasn’t entirely unexpected. It was bound to happen; some girl was going to capture his heart, and in so doing she had destroyed all your dreams of a future with him.

That wasn’t really fair. She hadn’t meant you any harm. Chances were she barely even knew of your existence. Cordell had followed her around like a puppy. It was clear he was enamored with her, and the friendship you had with him that might have blossomed into something else was all but forgotten. He was busy with someone else, and that still stung. You were a grown woman, and it still hurt. There was a young girl inside you who had never stopped loving him, and she was a part of the woman you had become.

You’re being ridiculous, Y/N. He’s here with you now. Are you going to let your teenage broken heart get in the way of that?

It was time to expose yourself to him a little more, let him know what you had felt for him, maybe even what you were feeling now, trust him. You squeezed his hand to reassure yourself he truly was there. This wasn’t a dream you would wake up from and feel the other side of the bed, only to discover it was empty. 

You took a breath and told him one of the secrets you had been holding inside. “That was one of the best nights of my life. I had a huge crush on you.” Crush. That word would do for now, until your relationship was in a place that you could reveal the entire truth.

He shifted to look at you. The grin on his face was adorable and oblivious. “A crush? Really?”

“Yes, Cord. I thought you were the cutest boy I’d ever seen, and that night you were so handsome. A tux is a good look on you.” You put your head down on his shoulder because what you’d told him made you feel a little vulnerable and because you could. After so long, you could be close with him like this again.

“I thought you were so pretty. I couldn’t believe you were with me.” Hearing him say that made you get all soft inside. “I meant what I said about a do over. I wish I’d done things differently that night.”

Butterflies started to flutter in your stomach just like you were sixteen again. “What would you have done differently?”

He tilted your chin up with fingers. His eyes, that always kept you guessing about what color they would be, had turned the deepest of grays without a trace of blue. “Why don’t I show you?” 

He dipped his head down to touch his mouth to yours. His lips parted slightly, and you opened yours in response. Cordell’s tongue glided around yours, and you felt yourself falling even more deeply into him. 

When he pulled away from you, the expression on his face was as soft as the warm April breeze caressing your skin. You looked at each other for several long seconds before he turned and lifted the blanket that was piled in the corner of the truck bed to reveal a picnic basket. He lifted the top and pulled out a bottle of whiskey. 

He held it up so you could read the label. “Remember this?” he asked. 

You smiled and shook your head, but not because you didn’t remember. Every detail of that night was etched in your mind. You were amazed he remembered so much. The shaking of your head turned into a nod. “I do remember. That was the first time I ever tasted whiskey. It felt like my throat was on fire.” You laughed softly at yourself and the memory.

Cordell reached into the basket to retrieve something else. He’d brought glasses. It was the same kind of whiskey, but he’d upped his game. That night you passed the bottle back and forth, drinking straight out of it. He opened the bottle, poured some into a glass and handed it to you. Then he poured a glass for himself. 

He held up his glass before taking a drink. “To second chances.”

You clinked your glass against his and took a sip. “What do you remember about that night, Cord?”

He took a big drink from his glass and got a faraway look in his eyes. “I remember how nervous I was. I thought we were gonna...you know.”

Your voice dropped to a whisper. “Why didn’t we? I would have. Why did you stop?”

Cordell’s eyes searched yours, like maybe he was weighing how much he should tell you too. “Because I...uh...I was afraid of hurting you, in more ways than one.” He dropped his eyes. “I had a condom in my wallet, and it just felt too calculated. Prom night. This place, a lake and the stars overhead. It was like I set you up. I didn’t want to take advantage of you.”

You put your hand over his where it was resting on his thigh. “Cordell, just because you were prepared doesn’t mean you were taking advantage of me; you were taking care of me. Neither one of us was ready for a baby then.” 

He raised his eyes to meet yours again. You wanted to ask him why it had never happened, not even after that night, but you didn’t. You knew. Emily. She was the one who’d had his babies. It was barely a month after that night that she’d entered his life.

Cordell’s voice snatched you out of your troubling thoughts, back to the here and now. “It wasn’t because I didn’t want you, Y/N. I did. I went home and...took care of the raging hard on I had while I thought about you.” You saw him swallow hard. 

You ran your fingertip around the rim of your glass, suddenly feeling bold. “Tell me, Cord, exactly what did you think about?”

He finished his whiskey in a gulp, put his glass down, and settled his hands on your hips. “I thought about you, your mouth, how it felt kissing you, and... what else you could do with your mouth.”

You dipped your finger into your glass, then dragged it across Cordell’s lips, leaving them wet. He tasted of bourbon when you kissed him and whispered against his mouth “Tell me more.”

Cordell’s breathing was noticeably heavier. “I imagined what it would feel like to be inside you, how warm and tight you’d be, and I pretended it was your hand on me.”

You tossed your glass and the remainder of its contents past Cordell’s shoulder and over the side of the truck. It hit the ground with a thud. With both of your hands now free, you unzipped Cordell’s fly and reached inside to cradle his cock in your hand.

He hissed in a breath as you worked his cock out of his boxers and through the opening in his jeans. When it was free, you stuck three of your fingers into your mouth to get them wet. Then you wrapped them around his dick that was beginning to harden and started to stroke. “Is this what you imagined?”

Cordell dropped his head back. “Fuck, baby. This is so...much...better.”

His cock grew hard under the soft velvety smoothness of his skin. “You feel so damn good, babygirl.”

Your strokes got slower. “It can feel even better. Why don’t you do what you wanted to do that night?”

Cordell opened his eyes. He held your cheek in his hand then brushed your hair from your face. “You’ve even more beautiful now than you were then, Y/N.”

You’d been dating Cordell for months now. This certainly wasn’t the first time you’d been together, but in many ways it felt like it. Maybe it was the place; maybe it was the way he was looking at you, like you were the only woman for him. You believed that. He’d made you believe it during this time you’d reconnected, with moments and gestures just like the one he was making tonight.

He lifted your shirt off over your head, and you felt a chill run through you; but it wasn’t because it was cold. It was because you were filled with excitement and anticipation, as though the clock truly had turned back. 

You’d bought a matching bra and panty set for tonight, and you were glad of it. When Cordell saw your blue satin and lace bra, he inhaled sharply. You had never forgotten it was his favorite color. He ran his thumb along the top edge of your bra cup, then lowered his head to kiss the swell of your breast rising over the top of the bra.

“You are so soft, baby.” He raised his head to nuzzle that spot below your ear while he reached around to unhook your bra. “You smell good too.”

He slipped the bra straps from your shoulders, and your breasts spilled free. Cordell cupped them in his hands, kneading them in his calloused fingers. You moaned when he flicked his thumbs over your nipples. “God, Cordell.” Your moan got deeper when he sucked one into your mouth. 

His warm mouth closed over your nub, and the way his tongue was circling over it, caused you to clench. Your walls were fluttering around the emptiness, and you were close to begging him. 

Cordell’s mouth left your breast, and you felt the loss, but you were distracted by watching him take off his shirt. His body had changed since he was younger, and was it ever breathtaking. His shoulders were even more broad, his waist still trim. The muscles in his arms, shoulders, chest, and stomach were more defined. Your mouth literally watered looking at him.

His cock was fully hard now, protruding through the opening in his jeans and underwear. It was magnificent. No matter how many times you saw it, you would never get used to just how big it was, and you couldn’t see it without thinking about the way it felt inside you when it was stretching you open. 

You wanted him out of the rest of his clothes so you could see that cock, standing hard and thick against his stomach. Once you’d gotten his clothes down around his hips, Cordell took them the rest of the way off, including his boots and socks.

His naked body drew you to it like a magnet. The hair on his chest was soft on your breasts, and your fingers tangled in his hair while he kissed you passionately, further stoking the fire in your core. You shimmied out of your jeans and panties, wanting all of his bare skin next to yours.

Cordell’s hands traveled down your back while his mouth continued to claim yours. You dropped your mouth from his to kiss his neck. “Cord, are we going to get caught doing this?”

There was a smile on his lips as he guided your mouth to his again. “Are you afraid you’ll get arrested? I’ve got some handcuffs if you want to practice.”

He’d made you laugh again and put you completely at ease. “I thought you said no kinky stuff tonight.”

He nibbled at your neck where it met your shoulder. “Right. Later then.” 

Cordell guided you down to the sleeping bag. You were on your back, and his eyes were traveling up and down the length of your body. “You are so fucking gorgeous naked in the moonlight like this.”

You bit your bottom lip like the shy schoolgirl you used to be. “So are you.”

Cordell lowered himself over you and whispered in your ear. “Tell me how you want it.”

You played with the curls at the nape of his neck. “Slow at first, but I want everything you have, Cord. Don’t hold anything back from me.”

At first, all you felt was the blunt head of his cock at your entrance. Then he pushed into you slowly, just like you’d asked. He kissed your neck and your ear, told you how much he wanted you, and looked into your eyes while he moved inside you. 

When his thrusts speeded up, you felt your orgasm getting closer, and you closed your eyes. You felt him raise your hand over your head and thread his fingers through yours. “Open your eyes, baby. Look at me. I want to see you when you come around me.”

You slowly lifted your eyelids. Your breath was escaping your mouth in small little gasps.  Cord’s eyes had changed to the color of a honey kissed chocolate. He was so gorgeous, perfect in so many ways, and everything you had ever wanted. 

His eyes were locked on yours, and they held a soft intensity in them that you knew you would remember and see when you closed your own eyes. The sound of his voice nearly sent you over the edge. “I’m so close, baby. I want you to come with me. Will you be a good girl and do that?”

“Yes, Cord.” You held onto him tightly. His next thrust scraped across your g-spot, and your body began to spasm and squeeze his dick buried so deep inside you. Cordell released his hot come into you with a grunt followed by a deep groan.

He collapsed onto his forearms, keeping his full weight off you. You could feel the light sheen of sweat on his back, and it was satisfying knowing you had put it there. Cordell nuzzled his nose on your cheek. “You okay, darlin’?”

“Mmmmm. Hmmmmm.” You wanted to stay here like this with him forever, just the two of you under the stars. 

When he rolled off you, you followed and settled your head on his chest. Cordell reached for the blanket and covered you both with it. You kissed his chest and whispered, “That was perfect.”

He was running his fingers lightly up and down your back. “Yeah. It was.”

You lay that way for a few minutes, enjoying the feel of his touch on your skin. He was unusually quiet. Finally you asked, “Cord, what is it?”

He shifted and propped himself up on his side. You sat up a little so you could see him better. Cordell reached for you and traced his fingertip down the edge of your cheek. “Y/N, I…” You waited, your breathing speeding up again. “I...love you.”

Before this moment the concept of forgetting to breathe had seemed like an exaggeration to you, but now you understood it. He put his fingers over your lips. “You don’t have to say anything. I just wanted you to know.”

You leaned in to kiss him, not trusting yourself to say anything just yet. For twenty years, you had waited to hear him say just that. Now that he had, it was overwhelming. It was like a dream. What followed was the sweetest and most meaningful kiss of your life so far. Cordell loved you. You were being kissed by a man who loved you, the man you had always wanted to love you.

While you were kissing, he lay you back down. When you opened your eyes, you were facing each other, heads on the pillows he had brought. He played with the hair at the side of your face, twisting it around his finger. “I wanted to be your first, Y/N. I wish I had been.”

“I wish you had been too, Cord.” You sighed, still trying to believe what had just happened. What did it mean? But you refused to let your head intrude on this moment. This one was for your heart, the heart that had been longing for him since you were a girl. Now, he was yours. That was enough. You’d figure out the rest later. 

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