#if you've ever wanted to feel truly awful about your decisions- and you WILL- pick it up

[salty-dracon]

every time someone interacts with 2 or more of my triangle strategy posts i get a little bit stronger

hehehehe you have finished an absolute GEM and i hope your suffering is worth it

[thehouseofurmotha]

In all honesty, I'm such a fan of the bakugo x aizawas daughter!reader series (if i can all it that)

I'm in NEED of new oneshots basically anything will do

AHH PLEASE TYSM @kitthefanfickat FOR REQUESTING THIS I LITERALLY LOVE ANY EXCUSE TO WRITE DADZAWA <33

Pt. 3 to loud blonde <3 (as for all of them could be read on its own as a standalone one shot.)

Pt. 1, pt. 2

Summery: y/n starts feeling really left out of her father's life, and her loud blonde boyfriend is there to comfort her and fix the pieces of her that have broken.

Warnings: swearing, angst, mommy issues!! Mentions of mental abuse snd neglect,

You loved your father, and you knew how much he did for you. But sometimes you couldn't help but feel left out of his life. Recently he's started spending the little free time he has training a kid in your general studies class.

Hitoshi Shinsou, you've talked to him on more than one occasion. You and him have a very similar personality, and in reality he kind of reminds you of your father. Which is why it makes sense that he took a liking to the kid. But fuck did you feel like shit.

You knew that your father loved you too, and that there wasn't anything that he wouldn't do for you. But you still, couldn't help but feel left out of his world. The world of being a hero, you suppose.

You've never once regretted your decision to not become a hero like your father. Maybe it was from your mother drilling it into your head as a child that hero's are bad, and you should never want to be one.

For the first 5 years of your life you were raised by a mother who simply did not care about you. Maybe she saw to much of your father in you to ever truly love you. She had left your father before you were born, as a child you fantasized about him coming to save you and take you away from your mother. But even as a child, you knew the chances were unlikely as the chances he knew you existed were very slim. Your mother would tell you that, all the time. She would constantly remind you that no one loved you, and nobody was coming to save you.

For a long time you couldn't come to terms with the truth that your mom was an awful person. You wanted to hate her but she was still your mother. No matter how much she neglected and manipulated you.

The day of your 5th birthday, your mother finally snapped. She hadn't been taking care of you in months, you were practically skin and bones. Your hair was in one huge mat.

As a child, most kids were excited for their birthdays. Not you, your birthday just reminded your mother more of 'mistake' she made by not getting rid of you. You woke up and made your way to the kitchen in hopes she would have made herself breakfast and you could steal whatever scraps ended up left.

You were lucky that morning that she did. Or so you thought, she had went to the couch to watch her show while she ate. And you saw this as the perfect opportunity to eat a little bit of the food she had left over, even if you couldn't have much it was better than nothing.

You quietly dragged a chair over to the stove and picked at the extra eggs and bacon lying in a pan. You thought your mother had been preoccupied, but she must have forgotten something, you didn't really know.

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?" She screamed some how louder than she ever has at you before. You immediately burst into tears stuttering an apology over and over again.

"I was just so hungry mommy I'm so sorry- I- I won't do it again-" She looked at you with burning hatred as you begged for her forgiveness. You didn't understand what you had done to deserve this.

"Get the fuck out of my house." You sob even harder at this. You were just a kid where were you supposed to go.

"Mommy please-" you beg, you don't want to get kicked out. You just wanted her to love you.

"Get out. Now." She was unnaturally calm while saying this. You kept sobbing and sobbing as you stood on your tippy toes to reach the door handle. Suddenly you were no longer in that house, and surrounded by a cold uncaring world.

You don't know how, but you managed to make it to a police station. You knew that these people would help you. You just wanted to be saved, like the people your father helped. Why couldn't he help you.

You push the large doors open, not without struggle though. You see a pretty woman sitting at a desk in front of you with a kind smile.

"Hi honey, where are your parents?" Her comment makes the tears that had previously stopped come back even harder. No body had ever been that gentle with you.

"M-mommy kicked me out-" You sob and hiccup throughout the sentence and the lady gives you a look of pity. She quickly gets up from her desk and wraps you in her warm arms.

"You're safe now sweetie, you're safe." You shove your face into her chest and sob harder. Never having felt such loving touch. "Can you come with me honey? We just need to ask you some questions so we can figure out how to help you."

You look up at her and give her a small nod. You're brought back into an interrogation room, but the kind lady never leaves your side. She sits in the chair next to you asking if you need anything. She offers you a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

"don't know what that is.." It's hard for you to admit, you really didn't know what anything was. It was a miracle that you had learned how to talk at all.

"It's a very yummy food, and it'll help you feel better." She adds the second part after heading your stomach grumble. You not giving her approval, "I'll be right back honey." She says this as she walks out of the door leaving you alone.

You pull your knees to your chest. You were so scared, you just wanted your mom to love you.

You wake up from the nightmare, if you could even really call it that. It was nothing but the truth, the harsh reality you had to face that your mom had abandoned you.

You hazily make you way out of bed, tears gently falling from your eyes. You make your way straight to your father's bedroom, it's a Saturday so he should still be in bed asleep. But he's not and an overwhelming panic sets onto you. You go and search the rest of the house hoping that he just woke up early today.

As you're searching you find a letter on the kitchen counter, and it reads

'Hi hun,

Left to do some training with Shinsou, I'm not sure when I'll be home. But if you want me to pick up food or anything on the way home just text me. Have a great day.

Love, Dad'

The letter only manages to make you sob harder. You just wanted your father, and he was just with another kid. With this thought, you started to spiral. With the thoughts that your father's going to leave you, just like your mother did. Maybe you should have become a hero, maybe he'd like you better. You start thinking of all the things you could've done wrong, all the things that could make him hate you like she did.

Eventually you start to recognize that you are not in the state of mind to be alone. But texting your father asking him to come home now seems like the scariest thing ever. So you settle on the next best person.

As soon as you had just simply said please he knew something was wrong. You never invited him over without telling your father. You respected your father to much for that.

As to his promise, Katsuki arrived 15 minutes later. He pounded on the door until you opened it; you weren't sure if it was because he was worried, or this was something he would always do if you didn't wait outside for him. But today you simply didn't have the energy.

You walk over the door quietly unlocking it before sitting back on the couch. Your boyfriend obviously hears you unlock it cause he's bursting through the door a second later. He scans the room looking for you and as his eyes land on your disheveled body, with tears still running down your face.

He gently wraps you in his arms, holding you as close as he can. "Talk to me doll what's goin on?" He just wants to know how to help you. The softness in his voice seems to only make you sob harder.

"He- he's gonna leave me- he's gonna leave- I'm not good enough he's gonna leave-" This only left Katsuki with more questions. Who was 'he'? It couldn't be your father would it? What would he have done to make you feel like this, Katsuki thinks he may kill your father if it was him.

"Who baby? I need to know so I can help you, I just want to help you." He gently rubs your back, the soothing motion help you to start sobbing a little less. But in the moment Katsuki thinks that any progress is good progress.

"My- my dad- he's gonna- he's gonna leave me just like she did-" Katsuki's suspicions are confirmed with this. It was about your father, and he could only assume the she was your mother. He knew a little bit of what had happened. He knew that you didn't have contact with your mother, but that was pretty much the extent to what you had told him. He really didn't know what to do, so he texted the one person who might.

"You good sensei? You look even more miserable than normal." Shinsou and Aizawa have always had a sort of playful banter while sparring. And even though they're on a water break they normally keep it going. And when Shinsou noticed that Aizawa was staring at his phone with his brows creased, of course he was gonna do some teasing.

"Sorry to call it quits early, but I have to go kid. Something's going on with my daughter." Aizawa is really panicking internally, wondering what he could have done to upset you. He doesn't know, he thought you had been fine. But obviously not.

"Oh you're all good, I didn't know you had a daughter Sensei." Shinsou was a little taken aback by that comment. Never having heard about this mysterious girl.

"Yeah.. have a good day Shinsou I'll see you Monday morning before classes."

"Alright see you then sensei, thank you." And with that Aizawa gets in his car has fast as he can. Thoughts racing, he just wants to know what's wrong with his daughter. What he did, so he can fix it.

He doesn't want you to feel like he's going to leave you like your mother did. He never would. He definitely speeds a bit on the way back to your guys apartment but honestly, he doesn't care. He just wants to hold his daughter and tell her that everything will be okay.

He quickly arrives at your guys apartment, due to the fact that it's not very far U.A. He rushes up the stairs to get to get to your apartment.

As he opens the door, he's greeted with the sight of you sobbing into Bakugou's chest. The boy looks up at him with a puzzled look on his face. This tells Shouta that he's made no progress figuring out what sparked this.

Quickly he makes his way to you and picks you up out of Bakugou's lap. The boy goes to resist it but he just sends a glare at him and the boy takes the hint. Allowing him to carefully cradle you to his chest, the way he would when you were upset as a child. This action causes you to only sob harder.

"I'm not leaving hun, I'm not going anywhere's. I'm not leaving." He just keeps repeating that he's not leaving you. And this manages to get you calm enough to form semi coherent sentences.

"Msorry- I was just being dramatic- I'm sorry-" you mumble this out with your face shoved into his chest.

"Honey, if you're this upset it's not dramatic I promise. I need you to tell me what's wrong hun, please. Let me fix this." With a sigh he holds you closer, he just wants to make you feel better.

"I just- I had a dream- more a nightmare I guess- of um- the day my mom you know- kicked me out- and then you weren't here.. and you've been spending so much time out of the house. And I know your training Shinsou and he's a nice kid and would make a good hero- but I don't know- I feel like he's taken up the little bit of time that we would spend together- it's stupid but part of me thinks you like him better because he wants to become a hero and I don't.." Once it starts to come out you just couldn't stop. You had told him everything you had been feeling. He looks at you with a look that makes it impossible to tell how he feels.

"I'm so sorry, kid. I should've thought about you would feel about this, but I need you to know nothing you could do could ever make me love you less, or love someone else more. I need you to know that I'm not going to leave you, not ever. I will not abandon you like she did. I promise I'll make extra effort to hang out with you, I'll call out of patrol tonight. Me and you, as well as Bakugou if you would like, can all hang out and have a movie night. Or whatever you want to do, anything to make you feel better. I'm so sorry." You start to cry again, but this time more of relief than anything. You had finally gotten the reassurance from him that you needed.

"Also hun, I don't care about you not becoming a hero, all I want is for you to be happy and do something you love. And I know analysis is that thing."

"Thank you dad.. but you um- you don't have to call out tonight I'll be fine."

"Nah it's alright, I'll just get Hizashi to cover and he'll do it no complaints." This causes you to giggle, you truly do love your father and Hizashi's relationship.

"I love you dad." You say this with a smile on your face looking up at him.

"I love you too kid."

The two of you sit in silence for a while before you're the one who breaks it. "I think that I want to try and contact her.." You whisper this not knowing how your father will feel about this.

"If you think that's what you need to do, then I'll support you 100%." The reassurance that he's not upset at the idea is comforting.

You notice that at some point your boyfriend had left. You figured that he just went outside, to the benches at the front of the building. Because you know that Katsuki would never leave you with out saying bye.

You spend the rest of the night sitting between your two favorite people feeling more content than you had in a while. And even though there was anxiety about trying to talk to your mother, you know that they would get you through it. And that was all the comfort you needed.

Okay so I definitely meant to finish my Shinsou x reader one shot before I finished this, but I got a little carried away when I started- soooo! Anyways I hope you enjoy! Happy reading <3

[alirhi]

...goddess help me...

This fucking episode. *deep breath* This... This episode is where I'm expecting to get some serious hate. Let me just get this out of the way right up front:

I. Hate. Zemo.

I do not find him sympathetic, or funny, or charming. I find him creepy and annoying. I did not like him in CA:CW and I do not like him in TFATWS. If you are pro-Zemo, you are not going to like my version of this show from here on out. Just find something else to read and don't bother me about it. You've got the actual canon, so go enjoy that.

Got it? Good. Now, on to the main event!

Episode 3: The Power Broker

First of all, Sam doesn't let Bucky walk in there alone. No matter Bucky's (flimsy and nonsensical) argument, Sam's like "hell no. I go in with you, or you don't go in." The main reason for this isn't to keep Bucky from breaking Zemo out of prison (with decent writing, he would never do that) - it's so that Sam witnesses Zemo taunting Bucky with/about the trigger words. because Zemo is a piece of shit.

Since he doesn't know the full story, Sam is confused, but he files this interaction away to ask Bucky about later. He's listening to Zemo acknowledging that Bucky was "not conscious for most of [his] imprisonment" (which, yes, clearly refers to the time he spent frozen, but can also mean while he was under their control as TWS/"The Asset" - also, key word: imprisonment) and when he calls Bucky a means to an end, Sam scowls, looking ready to go off on him, but he waits. They've got more important issues.

Neither of them entertains the thought of breaking Zemo out for even a nanosecond. He does that shit himself. And literally the only reason I'm sticking with him getting out at all is because I want to address some truly egregious moments linked directly to him in the show. Zemo makes them think he's setting them on the trail when really he's just sending them to his motor pool. Bucky and Sam are confused until they see Zemo in his stolen guard uniform, then they're both angry and want to ship him right back to prison, but he strikes a deal with them: "My help for my temporary freedom. Creating super soldiers cannot be allowed to continue; let me finish my work, and then do with me as you will." He has no intention of going quietly back to prison, obviously, and they're not stupid enough to believe otherwise, but they believe they can keep him on a short leash, so they agree for now. Anything to bring down the Flag Smashers and whoever created them.

After the title, we cut to Raynor on the phone in her office. She's agitated, fiddling with things on her desk. "No, sir," she's practically growling, "it was disrupted. - Walker did! - It's not my fault your new attack dog got off-leash!" She pauses, huffs, and says more calmly, "No. Of course not. I'm sorry. - Well, I don't see how, with the new Cap strutting around barking orders! - What am I supposed to do? Tell Captain America in front of a dozen witnesses that he can't have his predecessor's favorite pet because we're not done reprogramming him? I didn't see that going over too well. I made a call. - No. No, no, no, we can still use him. The work's not finished, but he still trusts me. He'll be back." A pause as she listens. Angry again, she snaps, "What do you want me to do, shove a tracker up his ass? He'll be back, and we'll pick right back up where we left off! - Don't worry, sir, the Asset will be fully compliant and ready to use soon. I'll make sure of it. - Yes, sir. You, too." She hangs up and tosses her phone on the couch, grumbling, "Dick."

Cut back to Sam, Bucky, and Zemo getting going on their trip to Madripoor. On the plane, Sam wants to talk to Bucky about what he's learned so far, but doesn't want to bring it up in front of Zemo... until the notebook incident reminds him that Zemo already knows more about Bucky than he does.

After Zemo's line about the list, Sam angrily corrects him: "You mean people HYDRA used The Winter Soldier to hurt." When Zemo shrugs and his response is basically along the lines of "what's the difference" Sam is like "oh hell no."

"Those words you were reciting at him," he reminds Zemo, "what were they, Russian? They clearly meant something. They were supposed to do something. What are they?" "Sam, let it go," Bucky pleads, unable to look at either of them. "It's nothing." "You wanna drown in your guilt, that's fine," Sam snaps, "but make sure it's for the right reasons." He turns back to Zemo, who's smiling at this exchange because he's a monster and thinks Bucky's suffering is fucking funny. "I asked you a question, Zemo. What did those words do?" "They activate the Winter Soldier programming," Bucky grudgingly admits. He doesn't want to talk about it, but he's sure as hell not going to let Zemo speak for him. "Or, they did, before the Wakandans got all that shit out of my head." "It's a shame," Zemo says with a smirk. "Imagine the possibilities that come with perfect obedience." "I think you mean 'slavery'," Sam growls, "and I think you're in the wrong crowd to be looking so pleased about it. Remember that we can send your ass back to prison any time." "Of course," Zemo agrees, but with an arrogant smile that shows he doesn't believe for a second that these two have any real power over him. Still, he bides his time and sits back quietly, watching Bucky fidget with the notebook. Sam turns back to Bucky, seeing his discomfort; he won't let the topic go, though, not yet. He just softens his tone. "So, they 'activated the Winter Soldier'? What exactly does that mean?" Bucky shrugs, still not looking up. "Pretty much what he said - perfect obedience. What little consciousness they left me between cryo and the chair was squashed down, locked away. And I did whatever I was told, exactly the way they told me to." It finally clicks. He'd had his suspicions before, of course, but now Sam gets it. Visibly horrified, he stares at this quiet, broken man, and finally sees the truth of what he'd been through for 70 years: "They stripped away your autonomy. Shit, Bucky, they didn't even let you be a person. That's..." He swallows, looking like he'll be sick any minute. "That's awful, man. I'm so sorry." When Bucky tries to shrug it off and downplay it again, Sam gets angry. "Look at me!" He waits; it takes a few seconds, but Bucky reluctantly looks up and is surprised to see just how upset Sam is on his behalf. "It wasn't your fault. None of it. When Steve said you didn't have a choice, I had no idea... You really, truly had no choice; not even the ability to choose. That's horrifying." "I doubt it would make much difference to the people he's killed," Zemo points out snidely. "Or their families. Let's ask Tony Stark, shall we?" "You shut the hell up," Sam growls. He watches Bucky flinch and make that face - the face he's starting to really fucking hate - that says he agrees with Zemo. Bucky still can't see things the way Sam does; he still feels the guilt and shame, and even when he himself pointed out his lack of agency under HYDRA, it didn't click for him that Sam is right, not Zemo.

It's too much, too soon. Sam sees that and decides to change the subject, to give Bucky some time to process. He nods at the notebook, and they have their little Marvin Gaye debate, where Sam is over the top about it on purpose, because Bucky needs the distraction.

Of course, Zemo ruins it by opening his big mouth again and reminding Bucky of more trauma: his time fighting in WWII. That's why Sam latches onto the bit about Madripoor; to keep the focus not only on the task at hand, but off of Bucky's past that he clearly still can't cope with.

"James... You will have to become someone you claim is gone." Sam is officially ready to throw Zemo out a window. 😂 The only reason he doesn't jump to Bucky's defense again and basically tell Zemo to fuck himself (in a PG-13 way 🙄) is because Bucky's, as Sam pointed out in ep2, a grown-ass man, and because he's just learned how few decisions this poor man has been able to make in his life. Sam doesn't want to come across as another "handler," deciding everything for him, even if he does think this plan is stupid and needlessly cruel.

At the bar, when asked if he wants "the usual", Sam just casually waves the bartender off like "nah". Zemo already said they had business to attend to, so it's not like anyone would be suspicious that now's probably not a good time to be doing weird shots lol. (wtf even was that? I'm not sure I want to know, but...what part of the snake did he drop into that drink?)

Sam's not an idiot (I'm really so sick of this trend of turning intelligent characters into morons because the writers can't think of any other way to move their plot along) so his cell phone has been off this whole time. No sudden call from Sarah to put them all in danger. There was really no point to that, anyway; Sharon likely would have killed Selby for talking about Nagle with or without the excuse of "saving" Sam and Bucky. I mean, it's not like they know who fired that shot, ever.

"They cleared the Bionic Staring Machine," Sam still jokes, but he follows it with, "and they think he's a mass-murderer." "They think?" Sharon stares at him incredulously. "Didn't he kill pretty much everyone he's ever met?" "Wow." Sam glances back at Bucky. "She really is awful now." To Sharon, he adds, "You met Steve; do you really think he'd have defied 117 countries to protect someone evil?" "He did it for Bucky," she points out. "Let's face it - Bucky could blow up half the planet, and Steve's loyal-to-a-fault ass would still take a bullet for him." "You know I'm sitting right here, right? I can hear you." "Look, I don't think you're evil, Bucky," Sharon assures him. "But I know you killed a lot of people for HYDRA." "I'm not denying it." "He didn't have a choice," Sam snaps, glaring at them both. "But we're not getting into that right now. My point is, the government's afraid of Bucky, and they still pardoned him. All you did was steal something. I'm sure they can be persuaded to see reason." "The day the US government sees reason," Sharon quips, rolling her eyes, "is the day I sprout real wings and fly off into the sunset." "Careful, Icarus," Bucky mocks with a smirk, "the sun and brand new wings don't exactly go together." Then he shrugs and glances at Sam. "But she's not wrong."

At the party that night, it takes a few minutes (grumpy old man Bucky's not sure how to feel about the music lol) but a peek of pre-war Bucky comes out to play: they were told to "blend in", so he dances. At first he's just bobbing around alone looking stoic and out of place, but soon he's smiling and dancing between two attractive people - one male, one female. Sam is surprised, but before he can tease him for it, Sharon comes to get them all. Even she's a little "wait what?" at Bucky having a little fun lol. (recovery is not linear, guys. trauma doesn't mean "perpetually miserable, no fun, doesn't even know how to smile." in my TFATWS, Bucky gets his lighter moments; real ones, not humor at his expense)

When they find Nagle, Bucky's the one who notices and opens the secret door, while Sam keeps an eye on Zemo. Bucky catches Zemo trying to grab that gun; closes the drawer on his hand before opening it and taking the gun away. "Nice try." Nagle tries to get away while there's only one person watching him, but Sam catches him and forces him back into his seat. With a bruising grip on the back of Zemo's neck, Bucky drags him back over to where he and Sam can both keep an eye on him. Nagle is killed in the shootout as they're trying to escape; Zemo still runs off, blows shit up, and comes back with the stolen car so he's not totally useless.

I had no problem with Zemo being the one to kill Nagle; Nagle was the worst and def had to die, and Zemo has never had an issue killing anyone. Where I took issue with this scene was Bucky and Sam being dumb enough to let Zemo wander and get his hands on a gun. Nope. Not happening.

Anyway, shootout! Explosions! Funny banter! The seat thing, which is my favorite nod to CW ever lol... And then the conversation on the plane...

"You okay?" "Yeah." Sam sighs. "Just thinking." "About how to get Sharon that pardon you dangled in front of her?" He shakes his head. "About how Nagle referred to 'The Winter Soldier Program" like it was some kind of after school club; like you weren't standing right there. And 'the American test subject' like... Like Isaiah wasn't even a real person." He turns to face Bucky, looking angry and weary. "Makes me wonder how many times... How many times are we gonna run around in the same circles before people learn? And how many people need to get crushed underfoot in the meantime?" "Did you really just equate me with Isaiah?" Bucky frowns, not sure how to react to that. "That man is a hero." Sam opens his mouth to say something, but his phone goes off and Zemo approaches at the same time, effectively cutting off their conversation.

When they get to Riga and Zemo tries to guilt trip them over Sokovia, Bucky deadpan reminds him, "Neither of us were involved in that fight." "I doubt you'd have been much help if you were." He shrugs. "Probably not. But I like to save my guilt for events I was actually present for. It's a thing." Zemo laughs. "Fair enough."

Bucky goes on his walk, and meets up with Ayo.

[juniaships]

Yall Some Fake Ass Friends: Malina ficlet

The one where my OC/quasi SI defends TFA!Optimus by setting the record straight for latter's former friends. Warning: Long text, character bashing. Script form.

Black Arachnia *to Sentinel*: I wouldn't look this way if you & Optimus had come and saved me! It's his fault I'm stuck like this!

Sentinel: Optimus ran back to try to save you if anything that's his fault!

Malina: Hold it! *flies up right in front of their faces on her jetpack*

Malina: I've held my tongue for a while now but you know what, I don't care so let's get something straight! What happened to you was not Optimus's fault! He sacrificed a lot to get where he is now.

Sentinel: Oh look the organic is trying to preach to us.

Malina: Well as this organic will preach I haven't seen a single instance where you've made a sacrifice for someone's sake. Especially not for Optimus!

Sentinel: Whaddya mean? I've made plenty of sacrifices for him! I sacrificed my head yet he laughed at me twice!

Malina: Surely you had to give up your prospects of Elite Guard for Optimus right? I mean, he had gave up his rank so you wouldn't get in trouble for sneaking to Archa Seven.

Sentinel: Wait, how do you know about Archa Seven?!

Malina: Your friend told me. In fact he tells me a lot of things see *flaunts the autobot pendant Prime gave her many months ago* But I want to ask, when have any of you ever sacrificed for anyone else?

Blackarachnia: I lost my true self and freedom! You think I liked being in this hideous form? You think you know so much about us when tou have no idea how cruel fate can be.

Malina: Oh I know. Just enough to know that you and Sentinel share something in common

Sentinel: At least I don't join a bunch filthy warmongers *glares pointedly at Arachnia, who hissed back just as venomously*

Malina: I'll give you that but still, none of it would've had happened if you'd just listened to Optimus. He told me he never wanted to break protocol.

Sentinel: Even if I had listened it still would've been the same! Gah I don't have time for this!

Malina: Still not seeing the big picture huh? I guess that giant crown must be giving you vision problems. And I doubt you want to be lost in a stinky, organic-infested jungle so it's better for you to stay riiiight here.

*Sentinel pouts*

Malina: Look what I'm trying to say here is, Optimus sacrificed everything for you yet how do you thank him? By picking on him, picking on us, his team, his real friends, constantly shaming him by bringing up every little mistake he ever made. I bet you didn't even thank him for taking the heat for you! Nor did you even say "I'm sorry for getting you kicked out of Autobot Academy because I was too caught up in my own self"! Your a terrible friend.

Sentinel: Now you're just talking some scrap! I am the perfect friend for him! His BEST friend! The best bot for him!

Malina: You're not a good bot, much less a good friend. In fact I think maybe you weren't friends with him at all. Just someone who wanted to ride on his coattails.

Sentinel: Now that's not true! I did things on my own back at the acadmey! I mean help me Eli- I mean Blackarachnia, tell this stupid organic I was a fantastic student back in the day!

*Blackarachnia remains slient; her ex starts getting nervous*

Sentinel: I have a great personality! When my best friend comes back he'll tell you! I make great rules so that Cybertron can go back to the way it was! No even better, a brand new Golden Age!

Malina: Your poor decision-making reflects your poor personality, Sentinel Magnus. You tricked your own citizens by accepting bribes from some Decepticons, you know, the enemy faction. You don't bother to learn my planet's culture or traffic laws for that matter. At least I try to learn Cybertornian ways so that I can communicate with your people better. You on the other hand? Always make messes for someone else to clean up while you slink away lying about how great and competent a leader you are. You talk down to my kind as if we're too stupid to understand the world. Not even giving us a chance. If that's your idea of a Golden Age I'd hate to see your idea of a Dark Age.

Blackarachnia *grinning at her ex being roasted: Hm. Maybe this little organic got more spark than I thought.

Malina: Oh no you don't Miss Spider! Don't act like you're all innocent! That first battle all the way back on Halloween you tried to kill my sister. Yes Sari's my sister.

Blackarachnia: I did warn her. She shouldn't have gotten in my way.

Malina: So she could stop you from destroying our city! All that noise for a cure that could've harmed you more than it would've helped you.

Blackarachnia: It would've worked if it hadn't been for certain interruptions. Besides I wasn't waiting on Megatron, I wasn't even aware of his presence.

Malina: If that's the case how come none of the Decepticons ever tried to help you find a cure? Seems to me they only said that to take advantage of you. Before you start to think I'm being heartless no. I'm sorry for what happened to you. Truly I am. If there was any way to reverse it I would try! But if you think I'm going to tolerate one more second of you trying to guilt Optimus you got another thing coming! Either that or Waspinator.

Sentinel: Wapsinator? That traitor that snuck into our ranks?

Malina: The Autobot recruit you threw in the brig to waste away for probably I dunno, hundreds of years all because of flimsy evidence.

Sentinel: How would I know that the accusations were baseless? Bumblebhead told me and I'd trust the word of an Autobot even one as clumsy as he!

Malina: Bumblebee, and he regrets ever accusing Wasp. Bee's been kicking himself in the rotor and wants help the guy he indirectly hurt! That's what makes them so different from you lot. You two always blame Optimus or others for your problems, you hurt others with no remorse, you redirect your self-loathing towards anyone who nothing to do with your pain. We have to heal from our pain so we can be better! Do better! All the while the two of you whine and complain about how horrible the world treats you or how awful you feel about the past or how much of a failure Optimus is when he's the one who had to LEARN from failure. All of us did! You two ungrateful protoforms never learn anything!!!

*Sentinel & BlackArachnia stare in complete silence*

Malina: And you know what hurts the most about all this. Optimus told me the reason he stuck by you after all those years was because he thought that, maybe you'd forgive him and be his friend again. That maybe the two of you would come to terms with what happened and maybe reclaim the friendship that was lost. I was completely on board with that because guess what? He's my friend and friends are supposed to trust each other! So why can't you? Why after all these solar cycles have you refused to put your faith in Optimus after everything he's done?

*Sentinel and Arachnia continue to stare in silence*

Malina: Now I see that it's impossible. I think I speak for a lot of people when I say you richly deserve each other.

*Sentinel and Arachnia still stare in complete shock at the audacity of the "organic's" callout. Malina smiles. She is right.*

[princeanxious]

A Serpent’s Tongue-(symp)Deceit Centric fic

Warnings: (sympathetic) Deceit, unsympathetic/abusive Wrath(oc?), brief hints at gorish imagery(at the beginning, skippable), short term loss of an important body part, angst, abiguos/unresolved ending, food mentions. (Let me know if i need to tag anything else!!)

Ships: mostly platonic DLAMPR but there are hints of romantic Roceit as well

Word count: 3.8k words

Authours note: this was inspired by a joke pic i saw and idk whether to be sorry that i wrote this or not so uh. Yep. Have some angst.

Wrath and Deceit can never really get along. Wrath is more interested in keeping Thomas’s friends safe, and Deceit just wants Thomas to take care of himself once in a while. Little to the other sides know, Wrath has a horrific way of dealing with Deceit when he’s sick and tired of hearing him speak.

[[MORE]]

It would not have been the first time Wrath had lost his temper, far from it, in fact. It was commonplace, really. Though, he rarely got physical in his anger, he simply broke stuff in the dark palace that, when his fit was over, he’d mend back together.

However, it was also not the first time that Deceit and Wrath had gotten into an argument, a loud one at that. Both light and dark sides alike knew when such an argument was alight, due to the sheer volume of Wrath’s tone. They rarely saw eye to eye, due to their friction of views between Thomas taking primary care of himself(Deceit) and taking primary care of his friends(Wrath).

And again, it was not the first time that Wrath had ended such an intense argument by silencing Deceit the only way he knew would last.

“You can’t poison Thomas’s thoughts if you can’t talk without your serpent’s tongue, you Liar.” Wrath would growl, summoning scissors and stalking towards the cornered deceitful side. Threats and begs and struggle would fall on deaf ears until they stopped altogether. With a flick of Wrath’s hand, any mess from his deed as well as the room that had been thrashed with mess all tidied up without a trace of damage as he left. The only lingering remnants of damage lay in Deceit’s dulling eyes, blinking away tears as his face retained it’s upset scowl.

This was, however, the first time Wrath had decided to enact this awful treatment since the light sides had begun to accept Deceit, or, better known now as Dorian. With his room moved right next to Virgil’s and across from Remus’s at the very back of the hall, it was inevitable that this treatment would bare a heavily negative outcome now that he could not interact with the others accordingly and unsuspiciously.

None of them knew of what Wrath’s punishment was, or that Wrath could even stoop so low to do such a thing, not even Remus or Virgil had a clue. It had been going on for so long now though that Dorian knew just how to deal with it.

Except, now, sitting in his room for two weeks without leaving was not a viable option anymore. The others were bound to get suspicious, and he would definitely be needed for his little white lies. Even as he sunk down into his room before he could be seen, and hid under his heated covers for even just a few hours of solitude, he knew it was going to be a rough two weeks of hiding it from them.

——

“Dori!!”

Dorian’s eyes blinked open blearily, and he peaked out from under the covers just in time for Remus to open his door and excitedly shuffle in before closing the door. His excited face faltered for a moment at seeing his best friend tucked up tightly underneath his heating blankets mid-day, but fondness overswept his concern immediately at how cute and ruffled Dori’s hair was.

He didn’t question how Dorian only answered his questions and random outbursts with hums and snorts, with not a word to be heard. Dorian had periods of time where he got like this often back before their acceptance, it didn’t surprise him that they still sometimes occurred now. Especially after Dorian and Wrath had one of their arguments. Dori was often in such a sour mood for weeks!

After a while, Remus had saw fit to leave Dori be, the first few days after these arguments seemed to be the worst for his scaled friend, and he ought to let the others know to leave him be. He knew that this would be a relief for Dorian, but in his jumbled head he just couldn’t quite remember why.

It took three days for the next side to bother him, though it was welcomed at least slightly when he glanced up and was met with the blue-eyed serious side. They’d become fast friends in the past few months, truly. They’d often talk philosophy and history and space together, and stay up till 3 am with Virgil discussing conspiracy theories and watching documentaries as a group. It was still a friendship that was new and fresh, but there was a silent understanding between them that solidified that friendship just a tad bit quicker.

“Good afternoon, Dorian. I hope you are doing.. well..?” Logan tapered off, finally looking up from his book to be met with a casually dressed, if still a good bit ruffled and unkempt Dorian. He was still sitting on his bed, though he’d never admit he hadn’t really moved much in the past few days, and was scratching at his scales irritatedly.

“I had assumed three days was a more than sufficient period to leave you to ‘cool off’ after Remus came to inform us of your bad mood, but it would appear that that had been a very temporary solution to a much bigger problem.” Dorian gave a sheepish shrug, before coming to itch at the scales on his neck. The book vanished as Logan’s attention fully focused on Dorian’s unkempt state, a very rare sight on such a composed side. He came to sit at the foot of Dorian’s bed with tacit permission, eyes wandering over the self-preservative side until they landed on the others face which wore an uncomfortable expression in reaction to being analyzed.

“I apologize. How are you.. uh.. feeling.. at the moment, Dorian?” The logical side adjusted his tie, looking rather worried for his obviously stressed friend. He frowned when all he received was another shrug.

“Look. I.. I know that arguing with Wrath is truly exhausting, and being around him can negatively affect all parties, but you can’t just stop taking care of yourself after every argument. No matter what he says about you or any of us, it isn’t okay to let it take over you. I know I can’t possibly know what he said to you, or ever says to you, but I won’t stand to let it hurt you.” Dorian chuffed bitterly at those last words. ‘A little too late, Berry.’ He thought.

Logan only seemed to frown more, eyes searching Dorian’s for some answer, anything that would help him understand where this conversation needed to go. Dorian’s dull eyes met Logan’s strong searching gaze with a look of appreciation. A silent thank you amongst the fray. He closed his eyes and sighed, holding his bare hand out in a silent gesture. When Logan’s hand rested in his own, he pulled it to his chest in a pseudo hug, then pulled it back to link their pointer fingers. This was one of their silent gestures, one that said ‘Not now, but soon,’ when either one of them was feeling overwhelmed or unheard. It was a gesture to let the other know that they would be stopping by later to talk when it was just them to hear their conversation. Except right now, they were alone, which only seemed to puzzle Logan. But still, he understood the meaning calm and clear. ‘I will tell you, but not now.’

With a nod, both of them fell into a small but comfortable silence, enjoying the small grounding contact of their linked fingers. After a while though, Logan spoke up.

“I will say this though, with the utmost kindness I can.. You should take a shower and change into fresh clothing. It will do you some good, both for your mood and for your scales. I also suggest, once you've finished with that task, if it is not too much, to come downstairs and eat something. Think of it as a.. comfort meal, as it were. I could even ask Patton or Roman to make that soup you like so much.”

Dorian chuckled at his friends worrying, leaning against the other’s shoulder with a nod. Warm food sounded nice, he hadn’t really eaten anything since the night of the incident, and though the sides didn’t need to eat, it still was a pleasure they could enjoy. It would certainly comfort Dorian, though he’d have to evade eating solid food items around the others, as eating those both were weird to eat and looked just as weird to watch him eat while he was missing his tongue.

Soon after showering, he dressed in something more casual yet still color fitting due to lack of care at keeping up his dark image at the current moment. He came downstairs wearing an oversized black and yellow sweater that Remus had gifted him and comfortable black skinny jeans, with dark socks and a neutral expression to match.

Thankfully the only side downstairs at the moment was Logan who seemed to be trying to pick out a puzzle from their gaming shelf. He turned for a brief moment to greet the deceitful side, beckoning the other over to help him with his decision.

“Patton will be down in a moment, he and Virgil were discussing something when I made the soup request. Remus and Roman are in the imagination sparring, so for now I thought it’d be nice to simply relax and put together a puzzle while we wait.” Dorian nodded in agreement, and helped Logan pick out one of the few puzzles they hadn’t yet done, knowing that Logan would likely be a bit more focused on the puzzle than on the fact that Dorian still had yet to utter any sarcastic or backwards responses to anything he’d say. Still, the puzzle was a nice distraction, especially once they’d turned on a documentary in the background to combat the silence.

He hardly noticed the time passing until he zoned back in to an almost half-finished puzzle and the kitchen light flicking on. Patton sent out a cheery greeting to the two focused sides in the living room and then set to work on making his famous ‘feel better’ soup. It didn’t take long before Virgil came down as well, spending a couple minutes chatting with Patton about some topic or another before migrating into the livingroom and flopping onto the floor in between Logan and Dorian.

Headphones on and music already seeping out of the device, Virgil barely acknowledged the fact that he was now laying on D’s legs in an uncomfortable position, though he did spare a glance up at the deceitful side to make sure he had permission. With Dorian’s nod, Virgil stuck his tongue out at the other playfully and received a scrunched nose and an affectionate eyeroll in return. Virge then sat himself up and leaned against the other, one arm wrapping around the others middle to tap three times on Dorian’s leg. ‘Are you okay?’ Is what it meant.

Dorian hesitated before tapping twice on Virgil’s arm, ‘sort of’ it said, ‘not really’ is what it implied. Virgil frowned before situating himself behind the other to wrap both arms around him, laying his head on the others shoulder to watch the documentary like they used to do when they were younger. It pulled at his heart a bit, knowing that things had been tense between the two since their rift happened, though recently they’d both been trying to mend the scar in their friendship. Shame that he couldn’t playfully bicker with the other due to his predicament.

Instead he chose to settle against the taller side’s chest and relax in the other’s protective embrace, temporarily forgetting about doing the puzzle with Logan as Virgil began purring. It was a quiet, comforting rumble that had Dorian zoning out rather quickly.

He was only roused from his stupor when a warm thermos was gently placed into his hands, and a nice smell wafted from the container. He grinned lazily and looked up to find Patton standing there pensively, looking worried. He beckoned the other to kneel down to his level before gently pulling Patton’s head to his, pressing their foreheads together in a comforting gesture.

“Uh, Dorian..?” “That gesture means he’s okay, Popstar. He and I know you're worried but it really does just happen to be this way sometimes, even if I don’t like it. He’s pretty non-vebal when like this, so maybe stick to yes or no questions.” Dorian sighed softly, thankful that Virgil was fluent in his body language.

When Patton responded with a nod and settled down on the couch, Dorian finally relaxed enough to sip from the thermos. One good thing, Dorian had learned, about being a side was that he thankfully did not need his tongue to taste things. Sure it was a much duller taste than if he did have it, and the same went for smell for him, but he could still taste food. So, despite his dampened senses, Dorian still enjoyed his warm soup nonetheless.

He barely protested when Virgil moved him to the couch, placing him in his arms and scooting over so that Patton could drag Logan onto the couch as well to finish watching the documentary. Within half an hour, Dorian was out like a light with a warm full belly and a warm body to cuddle up against.

When he awoke about an hour later, Patton and Logan were gone from the couch, and instead sat on the floor with Roman and Remus. Roman and Remus were each working on their own kind of crafts while Logan worked on finishing the puzzle and Patton colored in a coloring book, all of them chatting amicably between one another. He didn’t dare move much, knowing his awakening would upset the balance between the group.

On his neck where Virgil’s left hand rested, he receives three small taps. ‘Are you okay?’ With a long pause, Dorian responds with a small frown. One tap against Virgil’s chest, ‘No.’

Virgil sighs deeply, silently as he pulls the other closer so Dee can hide against Virgil’s neck, fingers threading through messy curls in an attempt to sooth the deceitful side.

Thankfully no one takes notice, and the day ends quietly. Dorian almost thinks he can get away with being in his room for another three days, except, Dorian awakes the next day with Roman knocking on his door and excitedly asking if Dorian would come duet with him and knows theres no use in holding his breath.

It hurts Dorian, the sad expression the fanciful side makes, when Dorian opens the door with a sheepish look. Still, Roman understands, and instead offers to let Dorian be his audience and companion into the imagination. He even gifts Dorian a long thick, weightier cape that resembles a weighted blanket with the outfit style they appear in. It soothes Dorian plenty, and he's as obvious as he can be about being thankful for it to make up for his lack of voice.

They spend the morning strolling through Roman’s kingdom, Dorian occasionally letting Roman pull him into a waltz or a twirl as he sung to the deceitful side. Despite Dorian’s temporary muted state, he was anything but quiet. He couldn’t help it really, Roman was a loveable dork and could be so cheesy at times, his giggles were justified, damn it!

There was also the lucky factor that Dorian could still hum along with Roman whenever the other got close enough to hear him, and knew that the compromise was highly appreciated. Roman could speak for two, and was still generally versed in enough sign language and Dorian’s own facial expressions to keep up a conversation.

Thankfully, Roman steered clear of asking Dorian about his silence, being respectful and instead choosing to use the silence to his advantage to flirt with the scaled side, knowing he’d get less resistance. And if Dorian ended up in his arms at the end of their trip to hide his blushing face against the fanciful side’s chest? That was just fine by him.

When they returned to the common room in the mind palace, they were greeted by the lovely smell of baked goods. It didn’t take long before Patton appeared with a plate of still warm cookies, who seemed to get even more excited when he spotted the duo entering the living room.

“Hey kiddos! You two are in luck, I just finished some chip-tastic chocolate chip cookies! Want one??” Patton said excitedly, holding out the tray. Immediately, Dorian’s stomach dropped at the offering of solid food, and gritted his teeth as he smiled and took one, thankful that it was still warm and mushy. Roman happily too two and munched on one as he chatted with Patton about their lovely trip, neither of them any wiser to Dorian’s issue.

He nibbled on the cookie as he listened to the two and nodded along when necessary, mentally warring with himself on how to tackle this issue. Thankfully it was still warm and mushy, but shoving it into his mouth in front of the two would be suspicious. He really had no other option though, as chewing small bites would make his issue fairly obvious. Internally sighing, he gave into the first option.

In one swift movement, he’d shoved the whole cookie into his mouth to chew, hand covering his mouth sheepishly. Both Roman and Patton took a moment to notice, but both of them just kinda paused in realization and Dee stared back, daring them to question him with a stare.

“Dor, why..?” Roman grinned, more confused and amused than concerned. Dorian just huffed and swallowed, then signed ‘snake instinct’ to them with a fake embarrassed expression.

Confusion turned to understanding as both right-brain sides echoed a soft “ohhh, right.” Crisis averted, at least for the time being. Eventually the trio split, and Roman and Dorian ended up on the couch watching Tangled to wind down from their eventful day.

Eventually Remus and Logan joined them, and they ended up putting on Wall-E next, if only to please their resident nerd and trash-child. However, Remus was feeling particularly bratty today and getting rather frustrated with his best friend when Dee wouldn’t back him up on any of his ideas or thoughts.

“C’mon, Dee, work with me! They’re literally eating themselves! Back me up here double D! It’s like a cat cut your tongue out!” He growled, pouting in Logan’s lap. Swiftly, though, Remus’s attention returned to the movie without a thought of what he’d said to the lying side, unaware of just how right he’d been. The only side to notice his shift in demeanor was the fanciful side who’s lap he was sat on, who had felt him stiffen up considerably at that last sentence. Gently, Roman pulled him closer and soothed a hand over the other’s scales, scratching gently in an attempt to distract the other from his brother’s rude remark. Eventually, Dorian settled down and let the remark go, and that was the end of that.

Despite that close call, everything was going great, all things considered. By the time the first week had passed, everything had gone back to normal, aside from the few extra visits he had received from the others simply checking in on him, everything had been fine. His tongue was even beginning to regenerate! He’d been keeping a close eye on it when he could, trying to keep the checkups at a minimum and doing them late at night to avoid possibly getting found out. It was a foolproof plan!

Until it wasn’t.

He should’ve realized that Virgil would eventually start back up with his late night visits, just like he used to do before their split. Dorian had told him that his door was still open if Virgil ever wanted to come bother him late at night, knowing that both of them were still night owls. Perhaps he should’ve kept his guard up, not gotten too relaxed while his tongue was healing. He’d only had a week to go before he’d have his tongue back and then all would go back to normal.

But life was never that kind to him.

Leave it to tired stupid Dorian to leave his door unlocked and cracked at midnight while he sat on the floor infront of his mirror, inspecting his open mouth without much thought. The regeneration had only just begun, so his lack of tongue was still absolutely present.

Then, in a moment of brilliance, Dorian looked up at his door, only just realizing it hadn’t been fully closed. Staring back at him instead was Virgil, wide eyed and white as a sheet. The anxious side was frozen, staring right at Dorian’s mouth in disbelief.

“...D-Dee?” His shaky voice had been barely above a whisper. Dorian had long since shut his jaw tight, eyes wide in terror.

Eventually, Virgil gathered enough of his barings to slowly walk over to where Dorian was seated, and kneeled down. Shaking hands reached out and cupped Dorian’s jaw, his eyes wide and flicking between Dorian’s lips and Dorian’s distant expression.

“Dee, please.. please tell me this isn’t the reason why you haven’t been talking..” his voice sounded desperate, his eyes searching for any sign of illusion or trickery and only finding pain and shame. Tears were already pricking at Dorian’s eyes and shame was curling in his gut, making him sick to his stomach.

Virgil’s horror quickly began to morph into anger, “that cruel fucker did this to you, didn’t he?” He gently pulled Dorian closer, resting his forehead against the other’s in an attempt to comfort the other. “Dee, please. Answer me.” Virgil cursed, his voice distorting more with every passing minute. He huffed, wanting to snarl the moment Dee nodded his head meekly.

He wanted to kill him, Wrath would be a dead man the moment he saw him. But right now, that could wait. Despite his overwhelming anger and anxiety, Dorian needed help, he needed to be in a safe place. They needed safe company, and Virgil desperately needed someone to stop him from going full feral.

With little idea on what to do, he picked Dorian up carefully and brought him into the commons’ living room. This would at least be a neutral space to give him some time to think. He absolutely refused to put Dorian down now, his protective instinct going haywire with the deceitful side trembling and quietly hiccuping in his arms.

Despite his best efforts, it did eventually get to the point where his heightening anxiety was starting to affect the whole palace, and within minutes the rest of the sides came stumbling down the stairs.

It was an odd sight, a highly anxious Virgil sporting a look of near-feral level of murderous on his face as he carried Dorian bridal style, the lying side having his face tucked up and hidden away while his shoulders were shaking with silent sobs. Before much could be said, Virgil’s heavily distorted voice rang out chillingly into the room.

“We need to talk.”

[azfellandco]

Hey there, so your reply to my comment on the vampire AU, about Aziraphale and consumption and such, has been rattling around in my head since I read it, and I was hoping, if you have the time/energy/desire of course, to pick your brains about what kinds of meta/headcanons you've got? Because Aziraphale and food and softness and subversion give me LIFE and I have some thoughts of my own but I'd love to hear yours :D

I would love to talk about this some more, hell yeah. Thank you so much. Please do also tell me your headcanons, @dwarven-beard-spores, I definitely want to hear them. Here is the AU in question for anyone else who might be interested.

Anyway I’m going to have to put this under a read-more because this has become like… thesis level long. My apologies to anyone on mobile. 

The thing I love about this book in general is that there’s such a rich vein of history of thought to explore baked into the premise. Angels and demons and god and the devil and satanic nuns and witches and the four horsemen and the antichrist and the Book of Revelation’s “capital A for Apocalypse” exist in this universe and because so much of it is played for humorous effect there’s a lot of wiggle room as to how these things actually interact with their real world theological equivalents. Which is all building up to say: I am absolutely fascinated with the dichotomy in popular conception between angels as good/holy and angels as monstrous, and how to a lot of people that really isn’t a dichotomy at all. 

Here are some quotes I think about in conjunction with Aziraphale a lot. 

“Did you ever notice how in the Bible, whenever God needed to punish someone, or make an example, or whenever God needed a killing, he sent an angel? Did you ever wonder what a creature like that must be like? A whole existence spent praising your God, but always with one wing dipped in blood. Would you ever really want to see an angel?“  –The Prophecy

“Who, if I cried out, would hear me among the hierarchyof angels? and even if one of thempressed me against his heart: I would be consumedin that overwhelming existence. For beauty is nothingbut the beginning of terror, which we still are just able to endure,and we are so awed because it serenely disdainsto annihilate us. Every angel is terrifying.” –Rainer Maria Rilke

Every angel is terrifying. What? Whomst? Aziraphale, light of my life, in love with a demon who thinks bullet-hole window transfers and expensive divers’ watches are cool, calls said demon “my dear”, is terrifying? Excuse me? 

I am utterly in love with the idea of Aziraphale as this potential force of nature, with the righteous fury and the wings and the sword and wait. What did Aziraphale do with that sword? He gave it away to the humans that got kicked out of paradise, because they looked cold. 

The first thing Aziraphale does in the whole book is a renouncement of this particular idea of angels, and we see him sort of… butt up against it later, when he talks to the Metatron. Aziraphale doesn’t want the world to end, of course he doesn’t, but I just have… so many feelings about the way Aziraphale talks about the war versus the way the Metatron talks about the war. 

The point is not to avoid the war, it is to win it. –the Metatron, pg. 242

The Metatron is the kind of angel above, blood and fury, and Aziraphale’s voice goes “flat and hopeless” in the face of it, “the bitterness in his voice would have soured milk”. Aziraphale doesn’t want this war to happen, and the way all his thoughts and feelings are tagged versus the sort of netural, descriptionless way the Metatron’s are (pretty much the only characterization the Metatron gets is “a well-educated voice” and “a shade testily”, the latter of which is in response to Aziraphale saying he has to delay returning to Heaven) has always struck me as like… the difference between Aziraphale and other angels is that Aziraphale cares so much. We talk a lot in this fandom about Crowley and “the truth was that Crowley rather liked humans. It was a major failing in a demon” but Aziraphale is the same, he’s just… subtler. 

Where the heck was I going with this. I’m so fond. 

Ah yes. Aziraphale is different from other angels because he cares, because he wants. I wrote a fic about this, too, actually. So it’s sort of interesting to me that it’s in the things Aziraphale wants that he is most an ”every angel is terrifying” angel, even though in some cases it’s a muted and complex kind of thing, a lot of which has been helped along for my by popular fandom and my love of gothic lit and isn’t necessarily comping from the book anymore, everything from here on out is my headcanons.

The most obvious example of Aziraphale’s desires being the most monstrous thing about him comes from that same conversation with the Metatron. I’m sure everybody here is aware of the good old “Aziraphale was willing to kill a child so he could stay on earth and keep eating sushi” post which, while reductive, is essentially what I’m getting at here. Aziraphale calls the Metatron with the specific intent of the Metatron killing Adam and stopping the ball rolling because he likes the world and he likes living there and I really do think, when it comes down to it, that’s a purely selfish decision on Aziraphale’s part. Crowley knows that the things about the world that will get Aziraphale on his side near the start of the book are all things Aziraphale likes. 

“No more compact discs… no salt, no eggs. No gravlax with dill sauce. No more fascinating little restaurants where they know you. No Daily Telegraph crosswords. No small antique shops. No book shops either. No interesting first editions. No–” Crowley scraped the bottom of Aziraphale’s barrel of interests, “regency silver snuffboxes.” –pg. 46

It’s all well and good to like people and want to help them and want to save them, but in the end, for a certain kind of person (the kind of person I see Aziraphale as), you have to make it personal. And people, as I’m sure everyone is aware, will do truly awful things in the name of protecting what is personal to them. 

I don’t know where to put this observation so it’s going here. That one line that’s like “Six millennia exposure to humans was having the same effect on Aziraphale as it was on Crowley, only in the opposite direction”? I’ve generally seen this taken to mean “six millennia had made them both more human-like by making Crowley less evil and Aziraphale less good” but personally I’ve always taken it to mean that exposure to humans has made Crowley like humans more and Aziraphale like humans less. My angel is antisocial and likes people in a general sense only, because it’s important to his self-image to love all of God’s creation or whatever.

On that slightly ominous note let’s move on to the point about consumption. There’s a sentiment in some feminist literature about desire, and sexual desire, and hunger, and how they overlap that is relevant here but I cannot find the exact quote I am thinking of so these will have to do. 

For a woman who has learned to make herself physically and emotionally small, to live literally and figuratively on scraps, admitting that you have an appetite is a source of cavernous fear. Women are often on a diet of the body, but we are always on a diet of the heart. The low-maintenance woman, the ideal woman, has no appetite. This is not to say that she refuses food, sex, romance, emotional effort; to refuse is petulant, which is ironically more demanding. The woman without appetite politely finishes what’s on her plate, and declines seconds. She is satisfied and satisfiable. –Hunger Makes Me by Jess Zimmerman (if the contents of this meta i’m writing interest you then I suggest you read this article as well)

Please also see this “a softer world” fancomic which is a remix of the poem Annabel Lee by Edgar Allan Poe– “And we loved with a love that was more than love, I and my Annabel Lee.”

To want is to hunger and to hunger is to want and it’s extremely important to me that Aziraphale’s particular temptation, and one Crowley knows full well, is lunch. Wanting as selfishness, as monstrousness, is… how you say… my entire shit. The subgenre of gothic horror that is about women who want and the way this makes them feel, as though they’re destructive and dark and dangerous, is pretty much the reason I am the person I am today. Crimson Peak, Shirley Jackson’s work but especially The Haunting of Hill House (speaking of which i am going to personally eviscerate whoever approved that netflix series, how dare they), to some extent Karen Navidson’s story in House Of Leaves, probably lots of others but those are the main ones that come to mind. They’re all about women who want, and feel they shouldn’t, and how that disconnect makes them othered from themselves and the world around them. 

I’ve always seen some overlap between this and the concept of queering the villain, because historically the idea of sexual desire has been made to look monstrous by bigots and assholes and that absolutely has not stopped us from grabbing these characters and archetypes and saying “mine now”. I’m never going to stop loving queer-coded villains as long as I live, because if society wants us to be evil we will damn well show them evil. 

But of course, wanting isn’t actually evil. It’s just human. Aziraphale is not especially selfish, for a human, even when that selfishness manifests as disregard for his companion’s feelings or stubbornness about the big picture (”That only works, right, if you start everyone off equal… that’s the good bit. The lower you start the more opportunities you have. Crowley had said, that’s lunatic. No, said Aziraphale, it’s ineffable.”) it’s still just… human. People have a notoriously hard time caring about suffering beyond themselves, it’s why we invented morality. Wanting has no moral value, not really, just as hunger doesn’t. 

But I can’t help but think that, if Aziraphale agrees with this assessment, it’s taken him thousands of years and certainly until after the apocalypse to arrive there. Aziraphale wants to be good, and he wants his side to be “the good side”, so much so that he’s deluded himself for ages into thinking he doesn’t care about or consider the validity of the stuff Crowley says and believes. There is no textual evidence to support the statement “Aziraphale feels guilty for wanting things and part of the reason he’s so attached to Crowley is that Crowley makes him feel less guilty”, but there it is. 

Aziraphale wants, and other angels don’t, or at least, Aziraphale wants in a very concrete and specific sense that other angels don’t seem to–food, wine, books, snuffboxes, Crowley– in short, to be in the world and experience. Aziraphale wants sensual things, pretty things. Comfortable things. Aziraphale is such a soft and homey character despite all these little apparent sharp points, and I adore that about him. 

Let me quote my own fic for a moment, the vampire fic that prompted this ask in the first place.

Everything about Aziraphale said “soft” to Crowley, it was something he’d always rather liked about his friend. Soft curls framing his round face, gentle hands, warm and unfashionable clothes covering his pudgy middle. There was absolutely nothing about Aziraphale that looked even slightly predatory, and Crowley had never been able to determine if this was intentional camouflage or just the way Aziraphale was [footnote: it was both]. 

Aziraphale is selfish and petty and can be inconsiderate and obtuse, but he gave away the thing that identified him as an angel because some humans were suffering and needed it. He loves wine, and books, and he’s fat goddammit, because of course he is. He’s nonthreatening because he’s chosen to be. He’s human because he’s chosen to be, just as Crowley is. It just took him longer to realize that’s what he’d done. He’s got the potential, by virtue of being an angel, to be this incredibly powerful and dangerous thing, and instead he owns a bookshop and feeds the ducks and goes to lunch with his friend. 

I’m sure I’ll think of like ten additional things I want to say about this after I post it lmao prepare yourself for that, I guess. 

[treadmilltreats]

IIt doesn't matter why they cheat, it's not about you. 

Since I started writing this blog I have gotten a huge response on my post's, I am truly grateful that this gift that God gave me has touched so many people. 

Sometimes I get letters asking for advice,and I am shocked because I know I am no Ann Landers,(Sorry dinosaur reference) 

See I fall on my face more than anyone I know, I make bad decisions and I definitely pick the wrong men so when they ask for my advice I am incredibly touched that they would want my opinion. The reason I write this blog is to inspire others to do what they didn't think they could do and to get these letters, well it touches my soul, and I am truly grateful, so thank you everyone.

This last week alone 3 women reached out to me about a cheating boyfriend, husband, or lover, they all wanted to know what they did wrong, why didn't they see the signs and what I did to get past my situation, that I so publicly went through. 

Again I am so not a love expert but this is what I shared with them.

1- First of all, it's not about you.

You can be the best wife or girlfriend. You can keep yourself beautiful, have your home spotless, cook like a chef and supply his every need in the bedroom and yet he will still cheat. 

This is an ego thing for him, it has nothing to do with you. He doesn't feel like a real man inside and constantly needs to feel like the big man on campus over and over again.

No matter how much you feed his ego, he needs to feel it from others. Maybe he's a con man like my ex was and this is his job, to con women for his own gain. Maybe he likes the thrill of being close to the edge of getting caught, whatever the sick reason is, none of them have to do with you! These are his issues not yours! Do not beat yourself up!

2- There are signs.

Yes, trust me they are there yet you chose not to see them. You poo poo them away, you make excuses for them but I'm here to tell you that yes, 1+1 doesn't add up to 2.

Well you know he has 2 jobs..insert excuse.

He is a good man... insert excuse. 

Well he said… insert excuse.

Maybe you were blindsided but if you look back with clear eyes, there were things that didn't sit right, that didn't fit together, that didn't feel right inside of you.

Let me tell you that is your intuition talking. Listen to it! It works, it's there for a reason, trust me on this.

3- How did I get over it?

This is huge...huge, it's all about your self worth. Ask yourself what are you worth? Do you love yourself? How much? Then ask if it's okay to let someone do this to you? The answer is no! You need to love yourself enough to know that you are a smart, beautiful, kind and sweet woman and that any other man would be lucky to have you. 

To cherish the ground you walk on,but this man, this is not the right one because he doesn't feel that way, otherwise he wouldn't have done what he did.

You deserve to be treated like the Queen you are and NOTHING LESS!! 

Hear me, nothing less! 

There are plenty of fish in the sea. Why hold on to one that is a snake, who is beat up, obviously defected, throw his ass back and keep fishing until you get that prize, that award winning one. He's out there and you know how I know that there are good men out there? Because we are good women and we are out there, so there has to be some good men out there as well.

I am also here to tell you that it's okay to be alone too, God so many of us are afraid to be alone, but treasure this time, learn who you are, and what you want. Take this time to expand your interests, learn something new, try new things, and meet new people. You will be okay being by yourself and you will realize that you will not settle for a man that isn't going to treat you right, ever! 

Yes it will be hard.... you will cry, you will question everything. You will curse and get mad but then you must choose to go on, learn the lesson, and learn to forgive. 

Yes, I said forgive not for him but for you, so you can let go of the hate and give it to your higher power, whatever that may be and move on.

You have just learned the most valuable lesson of your life. You have learned how much your self worth is, and you've learned that you will never be treated that way again. You've learned that you would rather be alone than to sell your soul for a fancy bag, flowers or a warm body in your bed.

You know who you are and one day, you will thank him for making you into this strong woman that you will become. 

So today my friends, remember this has nothing to do with you, this is a lesson and either you can learn from it or you can repeat the same mistake over and over...The choice is yours...The choice has always been yours, choose wisely.

"Be the change you want to see"

 

"And just when the caterpillar thought his life over...he turned into a beautiful butterfly"

**Now released my latest book**

The Blessing in Disguise.... revealed

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[garbageivereleasedintothevoid]

02-10-20

I felt you needed to see this meme after today. To remind you that I am normally a very closed off open book. And I'm sure you'll figure out what that means but just feel freakin honored because I do not let most people see me cry. The fact that you're my therapist makes exactly no difference to my brain.

Anyway, yeah. That was a lot. For me. Idk. Maybe it wasn't that much but it was a lot for me.

You've seen me casually mention shit that some other people wouldn't be able to say at all. And that's part of the defense. Pretend it doesn't bother you and people respond like it doesn't. And you never have to address it because it seems like it genuinely does not bother you. But it's a ploy. One that... Sara saw through near immediately. She even called me on it a couple times. She was like "Idk what to do for you because you won't open up." And I was just like "I've told you everything." And she just flashed this grin briefly and said "But you haven't opened up." And I was like fuck she's right. And told her so and she gloated just a little tiny bit. She just be like that. Lil shit loves being right. Anyway, that was when I actually started to open up to her. Or at least try to. It didn't work at first. I didn't know how. But I kept trying and she kept encouraging me. Until it eventually happened but that was the only time I've seen her... Low-key lose composure. I broke the absolute fuck DOWN. Like full on lost all control. I... Ended up calling her mommy while sobbing. And I saw this look of horror on her face as I looked up. I had previously not been able to see as I'd been sobbing with tears in my eyes and had my head down. And I just launched into apologizing and freaking out thinking she hated me now. She was honest in her response. She told me she didn't know how to react but that I had no reason to be sorry and that she wasn't mad at me. She didn't seem fully confident as she pulled herself together though. Idk. I think it mostly just shocked her because I'd never reacted that way before and to be fair, it was pretty extreme. But... In the moment, I thought I'd just isolated myself from the only person who seemed to give a goddamn about me at the time. I felt... Like she was the only one who gave a goddamn about me and tbh? I don't think I was wrong. At that time in my life, she was the only one who knew me well enough to give a shit about me as a unique individual. She was the only one who... Stuck around long enough to... Really get to know me. Everyone else gave up on me. And I think at times she was really close but it took her a lot more to get close. She played the long game with me and won me over slowly. Gained my trust, pushed me, encouraged me to do better and be better like she knew I could be.

But she also was willing to learn along the way. She knew what nonbinary was when we first met. And knew what would be considered today to be the absolute basics of how to treat a nonbinary person. But five years ago that was close to as much knowledge as you could reasonably expect any cishet person to ever have and it wasn't common by any means. But she learned. And she learned quickly. And somehow, some people do not want to acknowledge that part that she played in my life. Some people think I should just accept my station and not push for better. Some people don't truly understand that they might be happy with their place but others aren't as privileged. And yes, having been physically beaten by your ex is fucking awful and nobody should have to have dealt with that but that doesn't mean you understand everything. And neither does a social work degree. I don't fit her idea of someone who's been abused and she doesn't like that. I wasn't abused by a partner and the physical abuse was... Not as prevalent as every other kind. The sexual abuse was a big thing but... Idk. Rn I am not focusing on that very much and I'm grateful for that because if I was, I'm certain it wouldn't go well. The thing I talk about most was the emotional abuse and manipulation as well as the neglect. When I wasn't being told I would get laughed at for wearing emo stuff to school, I was being told my medical condition wasn't bad and I was just looking for attention. I was called a whiner for expressing any pain. And I am not saying I was perfect. But I was a child. I should have been taken seriously and I for damn sure should have been taught the basic skills that one needs to survive. I was told to just pick thing up little by little each day but like? What does that entail? I'd ask for individual steps and be looked at like I was lying. I was consistently treated like filth you scrape off the bottom of your shoe. I didn't ask to be born. I didn't ask to be kept. I didn't ask for any of this. I was handed a shit hand and now I'm making the best of it. But without Sara, I would have never been able to make what I have of myself. She understood me. She saw my pain and validated it and showed me that I wasn't alone in this and proved that she had my back. She proved to me that I could trust her. And. She. Rooted. For. Me. When I was struggling to make it through the hardest parts she was there, urging me onwards with encouraging words. She never tossed me a "Oh, just get over yourself." Or anything like that. She was on my fucking side and she proved that. Beyond a reasonable doubt, she proved that she was trustworthy and behind me every step of the way. She sacrificed and risked for me and the fact that anyone would express disdain for her being credited pisses me off. What was Sarah Wolf doing when I was breaking down over losing all my things in 2016? Blaming me, that's what. What was she doing when I applied for section 8? Telling me it was selfish to apply and that I didn't need it as much as some people so I shouldn't apply. Sara helped me put in the application. She actually pushed me to even do it because I didn't really want to at first. Sara was the driving force behind the best decisions I have made these past few years. Hell, even Yoshi. I made that decision to take him in on my own. But Sara said she thought it was good for me to have an animal. Sarah Wolf said I should listen to Mark and give him away. And now she pretends like it was all her idea when I didn't consult anyone else before making this decision. This was my decision. And Yoshi was one of the absolute best decisions I ever made. Full stop. I made that decision. And one encouraged me to do good while the other tried to guilt trip me for it. Sarah Wolf primarily provided physical needs. And that's great. Totally appreciated. But the advice does not fit my life and I vehemently reject it.

Sara knows me. She spent 20 minutes to an hour a week talking to me about the deepest stuff that Sarah Wolf still has never heard me talk about. Sarah Wolf doesn't know how much I first freaked out when I first had that memory of the rape lodged in my brain. She doesn't know that Grover took some time out of the bar to hug me and tell me he was taking me to Cici's the next day to get my mind off of it. She doesn't know that I wanted to kill myself that night. She doesn't know that Yoshi meowing at me pulled me back from the edge that night. And she certainly doesn't know that imagining Sara's reaction to the news of my death is what gave me resolve to not do it. Because during that time, she was recovering from her spinal surgery. She was out for another month and a half still. And I didn't want her to come back from that to the news that I had killed myself after remembering that I had been violently raped at a very young age by my own father. That's partly what saved me that night. But that alone was what gave me the resolve to stay alive at least until she got back. And when she got back, I ended up telling her... But I had to get a few other things out first. And I said "One more thing and prepare yourself because it's... Really heavy." And she did. And I told her. And there was a moment where time stood still. And she said she didn't know what to say... Kind of stumbled a moment and said that again but added she was here for me and she would do anything she could to support me. And that meant the world to me. I knew she would, too. I knee before I told her. I knew she would be there for me. And she was. She promised and delivered. She never promised anything there was a chance she couldn't deliver. She always told me the truth. She proved time and time again how much she gave a fuck. And I don't respect when people try to doubt her presence in my life as a positive experience.

[whimsically-ominously-auspice]

First he asked his fans for $25k

Then Erica told him how to ask the sponsors

With a 45k per week drug habit he obviously had money to fix his car.

What happened was he said the wreck wasn't his fault and didn't deserve it.

When in fact he did.

I was talking to Invisible Marc Antony but i know where invisible is. I can always find it. Always.

So he was right next to me and i just hip,bumped him and Marc said, "oh my God that feels so good! Thank you my baby. So good and sweet that you are"

So Alex pipes up at Marc "that was mine!! Whatever that was I DESERVED it to me!!"

So Wendy went over and said "What? This?" And hip bumped his car into the wall 2x.

"I thought it was a kiss!!" Alex yelled. "They were invisible. Aw shit! I wrecked my car!"

"Probably should get it off the street then" i replied

"Guys! I need help!!"

So Wendy explained hip bumping. "It Means an agreement instead of a smile. Means a lot of work ahead. All my dad really did was pay you a compliment that you weren't doing good But you were pulling along nicely where work was involved and now you aren't. You don't deserve anything my dad does" she floated away but then turned back "and also a hip bump means she isn't interested in fixing it. You could fix it on your own. Just so you know. She's simply a fan and doesn't need Any of your shit. But if you do attempt to get with my mom and she accepts the challenge you place upon my father. Since I know what your so-called problem is besides being an alien which you do notice that house are like the alien abduction last week of them to tell you to try to get with her. Alex! Why are you risking your life! Oh poor you. You're scared but I tell you one thing she will make your end of life worse than a few scuff marks.! I tell you that for sure!!!"

"I really like you Alex i do for sure but you need to listen to Wendy" told Marc Antony

"Oh and see that's my dad and you try to get in with me and my mom you're gonna,regret it! You're gonna hate it so bad,you will cry! Yeah you!!"

"He's sitting there wishing you knew another Alex"

"Instead of taking heed to the,warning you're trying to,disguise yourself and,hide so you don't,get,embarrassed Mr. Alex Laughlin. But you need,to,take,responsibility for your actions Gabriel and I'm,not joking she's right I will,kick,your ass" i said

"Nah I'm not"

"Do not lie to me. I see right through to you. You have a solid complexity of human. So you can't pick alien. But you've made your choice in designing you. You've been given the choice to be human, Alex, unlike Matt Hagan whom I forced into humanhood. And you've made the right choice so don't let it stop you. You've almost completed the human heart in your soul,and on your own. And now your choice is to be honest with yourself. Or go onto destroy you. I don't pick destroy. I hope you know. Unless! Unless you do of co and then i will set to. Destroy you I will. Don't think any less of my ability to be able to do so because i will. The choice is yours Sir Mister Alex Laughlin and that is all i have to say to you" i told him.

He made the wrong choice.

In many ways he was more human than human.

But he made the wrong and incomplete choice which caused him to end his life. With a bullet to the brain. Where his fear and paranoia lies.

I honestly love him and in many ways feel the Earth could been better with Alex. But he did get all them NHRA kids on drugs. That was the first thing he did when he joined 5 years ago.

I had told him before. "I have a willingness to forgive you out of love and not spite. But it is your drug use only. Not the ones you give to others"

So he quit selling. But quickly text people how to go and get it. "Quit being a middle man" Marc had told him.

He didn't stop.

70% of his lives he was doing drugs and scamming people.

Not just since the 1980s but since he arrived in year 1777.

200+ years.

That is what illegal alien were given. 200 years plus one lifetime. To 7 million from Mars.

92% have failed to become human.

So.

I do love Alex. Honestly. I wish he has a place on,Earth in the future but he does not. So that is,a wish that will NEVER for eternity be granted.

Same with 92% of Martians.

They cannot visit. If they become within 100 foot of the boundary which is 3,000 miles from our atmosphere they will be warned to retreat

If even on accident they cross the boundary marker they will establish war and we will fight aggressively against them, resulting in their death.

They can never return to Earth.

I wanted to tell the truth what caused his accident.

Also, he only had a worldwide approval rate to be my husband of 29%

However upon seeing photographs of Marc Antony last night he got an immediate score of 89% approval.

So y'all intuition world wide is lacking by only 11% so that is absolutely amazing and I'm glad for you, world.

You're doing good. So well

Humans you're just about absolutely perfect.

Of the 29% only 13% world wide was of human decent. Of that 13% 72% believed he would be good to us, me, my family and the world. Because only because they believe in the power of love.

Marc and I are So proud.

Of the 11% lacking in approval of Marc Antony 82% were aliens.

World Wide 6% of HUMANS say he needs to prove he loves me and is trustworthy. That makes me super happy.

Like Marc Antony you are overprotective and beautiful.

So thank you.

He is dead because he thought 2 months pregnant was too pregnant to move to Central America and South America was certainly out. And so he died for that choice.

Since then deaths like his have been eradicated for humans only.

Just FYI. So here's the man once again in photo from. Just so yoh can smile that the mystery has truly been solved.

He loves y'all, more than you can ever know and he's never been happier in his decision to save the world. Since now hearing his approval rate.

And he wants to tell our over protective friend Snoop what his approval by humans only rate is... 92%

Which is great because Snoop is so controversial!!

Mine is.. 98%

Thus when we have no United States of America President or Vice President due to their failures we will not have either.

We will become a modern society. There's a ton of information that comes with that but...

Come on y'all already know I'm already in control. So no worries. Just be safe y'all. We all love you so much.

Things will get better. Enjoy your time off and we will keep letting you earn money.

The world will change.

It will become better. 💘