#if you’ve read this far and want context basically some dude at a party asked me my dead name

[natugood]

Do you ever have a memory which sticks with you, and the longer it sits there the worse you feel about it? Yeah. I have one of those that’s been bugging me more and more recently, and I want it to stop souring. I just have no idea how to go about it.

[green-t-ea]

Figured I'll make this in part for myself and in part for people who may be reading the spau fics I'm posting without context of the au:

Spau aka Shadow people au is a simple au in basis but it's been taken incredibly far and is now uh. Incredibly intricate, most of this au was developed roughly 2 years ago with around 20 writers for the au? There was a general canon and people were free to diverge from it as long as they sepcified. Some people would write specific shadows mostly and develope those characters, like I was the person who wrote Leviathan, Tripwire, Taxes and a few others mainly while following the characterizations set for other shadows by the people who primarily wrote them. So I'll explain the very basic premise and a bit about the main characters that will be seen in the "seeing things through" series for anybody who's interested but doesn't wanna search around

The basic premise of Spau is that and update comes out adding a new structure: the shadow temple, and a new mob: shadows

Shadows can be summoned with an armour stand within a shadow temple structure and they spawn in hostile to the player, a player is the only thing (with a few exceptions) that can harm its own shadow. Those exceptions being a special weapon I won't go into detail on, and other shadows. A shadow can do damage to any player weather it's the summoner of the shadow or not.

Shadows will drop a copy of it's summoners inventory on death. But, every time a shadow is killed it becomes stronger and better to dissuade item farming. Shadows are mostly monochrome dark grey and black with yellow accents.

When shadows are killed enough they start to become sentient. (Now in most versions within spau this is usually learns quickly and then shadow farming is frowned upon because killing sentient creatures is generally frowned upon in most scenarios)

Shadows will also take on "corruption" from their summoners. So if their summoner works closely with an entity or is an entity in their own right the shadow will take on attributes reflecting this. Like scar and cubs shadows having vex corruption turning the yellow accents to cyan and warping the appearance of these shadows.

Some shadows also have powers! This can be caused by entity corruption or: when a shadow has died enough times it reaches a threshold where it's given an ability to level the playing field and make them more dangerous or hardy.

Some shadows become more friendly when they become sentient, some are still hostile to their summoners, it depends on the shadow as they gain their own personalities.

Shadows are tied to player data so in every Minecraft world players get a new different shadow. So there are doubles of some shadows of the hermits. There are s6 and s7 shadows ect ect, shadows from old seasons can be summoned with commands.

The main shadows featured in this series of fics are

Con, xb's s7 shadow (I think I miss labled it as s8 whoops): Con uses it/it's pronouns [handshake], cons whole thing is convincing entities to give it powers and cool tattoos to go with them, not in a power hungry way and con is very specifically and pointedly nuetral in almost all server affairs, think Sweden but will absolutely swindle you out of your chicken nuggets. Con has a power from the next shadow on this list, Taxes.

Taxes, aka ethos shadow, (ethos only shadow for reasons) Taxes uses they/them, Taxes is a fun case among shadows because they are one of only 2 shadows on the server who are actually entities while still being shadows. Taxes is what I can best explain as the personification of all glitches and errors in Minecraft piled together into an old eldritch concept that somehow got stuck as a shadow. Taxes can corrupt other shadows but doesn't because similar to Con taxes is a very nuetral party, Taxes is very confused about life because their prior existence was on such a large scale they don't really know how to cope with a more normal life that involves being fully self aware. Taxes is quite literally just vibing while also being an eldritch entity. The only other entity shadow is actually next up on the list of important shadows to know

Abyss! Aka the old shadows. There was a patch to the shadow update that made shadows become more powerful quicker to balance them, and also added the shadowlands as a dimension! Adding a special boss shadow (big inverted color shadow with armour and a scyth that want to kill you, unclaimed shadows (hostile pallet swapped lanky dudes that wanna kill u) and most importantly! A mechanic where entering the shadow lands by summoning your shadow when it's already summoned causes your shadows power stat to decrease. Basically making your shadow weaker after you attempt to go to the shadow lands. What happens when you d this without ever summoning and killing your shadow? A stack overflow error that's what! What's a stack overflow you may ask? Well when the power stat goes below 0 there's no negative stat so instead it loops around to the highest possible power stat a shadow can have! Think a shadow god. That's what Abyss is! Abyss uses it/it's pronouns and has a god complex for good reason, seeing as it's basically the pinnacle of shadows and actually makes up the entirety of the shadow lands dimension! Abyss counts as an entity because technically abyss is the one who gives shadows their powers when they die enough. You'll learn a lot about abyss as the series goes on I bet :)

That's about all for incredibly plot relavent shadows as well as the basic concepts of the au. Sorry for the wall of text idk how to add a spoiler on mobile so you've just gotta suffer this with me.

[mikebigby-blog]

Netflix Legend of Zelda full season 1 outline

I am pants-shittingly excited about the possibility of a live-action Legend of Zelda series on Netflix.  You’ve heard the rumours.  I’ve heard the rumours.  And I have shitted all of my pants.  I only have pants with shit in them now.  I know what you’re saying out-loud to your computer like a weirdo as you read this blog alone; you’re saying “Mike, just wash your pants” but then I wouldn’t be wearing the pants and the shit would go on the floor.  Think before you speak.

Anyway, this is a serious blog.  Please don’t be put off by my shitty pants, I won’t mention them again from here on out.  

Just imagine.  An actually good live-action Legend of Zelda TV show.

 I have dreamed of this since I was a 11 year old kid when I “wrote” and “directed” an Ocarina of Time movie using my dad’s 20kg VHS cam-corder.  I never finished that movie, so this is literally unfinished business for me.

As the title of this blog suggests, for fun, I’ve put together a treatment for what I think a Legend of Zelda series could be.

If you don’t like it, no worries.  It’s not much more than fan-fiction.  If you DO like it, I dunno, share it with your friends or something.

Format, tone and general thoughts

I think the tone of the show should be light-hearted, weird, occasionally funny, and ultimately epic.  That’s what Zelda is.  I see it as Game of Thrones meets Dirk Gently, kinda.  

I personally think this should be live-action, but it doesn’t have to be, a cartoon would be cool.

I’m suggesting ten eps per season and as many seasons as possible.  In my opinion we should stay with the same Link, Zelda and Ganondorf, but there’s no real reason why the show couldn’t jump multiple generations with each season like the games do.

This treatment consists of a scene-by-scene of the pilot, and outline of episodes two and three, and basically extended log-lines for episodes four to ten.  Sorry they’re not all scene-by-scenes, it was already a lot of (fun) work to draft this and besides, I don’t think you’d want to read that much anyway.

Please bear in mind that it’s all about the execution.  These are still just ideas.  If the show was developed, things would get more complex, ledes would be excavated and everything would be amped up to make every episode as compelling as possible.  So imagine everything I say is better than it is lol.

Finally, I’ve tried to draw from / reference as many of the games as possible.  I think the show, and even this blog post, should absolutely reward fans of the franchise.

Context

We need to start off with some Hyrule Historia to set this pitch in context.  One of the things that most grounds Game of Thrones is its world’s rich history and that’s something the Zelda franchise shares.  So I want to set up some legends and lore upfront.

NB In the actual show this should not be revealed in narration or an opening scroll.  It’s primary purpose is to inform the world of Hyrule and its characters’ motivations.  It will be revealed to the audience slowly and sparingly through reference and allusion over the season.

Here we go:

Two thousand years before the events of our story, the last person to wield the power of the Triforce unified the warring tribes of the land into one principality; Hyrule.  This is not your average divide-and-conquer legend, this is something far more incredible; a conquer and unification.  The legend of an absolute badass.  The legend of Boudicca and King Arthur and Alexander the Great and William the Conqueror all rolled into one.  This is the in-world Legend of Zelda.  

That’s right, the first monarch of Hyrule was a Queen named Zelda (Breath of Wild fans: I consciously chose not to make this character the Goddess Hylia for the sake of simplicity).  Zelda brought decisive peace to the land by being unquestionably awesome, ending an ancient war between the country’s great races.  Together, the leaders of these once-warring tribes - the Gorons, the Zorras, the Ritos, Sheikah, Gerudo and the Hylians - worked with Zelda to capture the titanic, elemental monstrosities and demons they each summoned to fight on their behalf and contain them in purpose-built stone enclosures.  That’s right.  Temples.  Dungeons.  You get the idea. 

Flash forward two thousand years and this awesome history is relegated to the status of myth.  Yes, the temples still stand, but they are decrepit and overrun with flora and fauna.

These days the ancient Zelda’s direct descendent, Daphnes Nohansen Hyrule, sits upon the throne.  A wise and just ruler who, in his youth, fought bravely to quash an uprising from the worshippers of Din the Destroyer, and successfully restored his subjects rights to religious freedoms without threat of persecution.  The three major religions worship alongside each other in peace once again.  

But, in recent years, the king has grown old and feeble.

OK that’s all the history stuff out of the way so we can get on with the episodes!  It’s exciting isn’t it? I’m excited!  Are you excited?  IT’S EXCITING!

Episode 1: The Phantom Menace I’m Just Kidding That’s Not The Title Of The Episode

FADE IN on a beautiful white ship (10 history points if you get this reference) as it sails the night-time waters of the Great Bay of Hyrule Channel.  There’s no moon so it’s particularly dark, and the wind is so calm the sailors have taken to the oars.

The ship is like an island of light and life in the vast, dark nothingness - think of those wide night-time shots in James Cameron’s Titanic.  But this is more jovial.  The hundred or so passengers and crew sing and whoop and holler by the light of the ship’s candles.  Everyone’s clearly having a good, wine-fuelled time. We catch a glimpse of a young / strong / handsome / regal looking dude, singled out by his unusual pensiveness in the face of all this merriment. This is Daltus, son of King Daphnes and heir to the throne of Hyrule.

CREEEAAAKKKKK what the hell was that?  For a moment, the party is silenced…..

Nothing. Phew. The singing soon continues…  But for us the soundtrack subtly clues us into a feeling of unease.  

We zoom out to a wide-shot far enough away that the ship looks like a toy and the noise of the passengers is reduced to nothing.  From here we can just about make out the coast, more than a few miles away - too far to swim - and a great stone temple, half submerged, wholly forgotten.

SUDDENLY - punching out from the black depths without warning, a great tentacle looms up over the ship. The party is thrown into silence for a beat before screams and panic erupt like an explosion.

It’s absolute pandemonium on board as a second tentacle rips into the sky on the other side of the ship.  Daltus, cool as a cucumber, pulls out his sword.  But what can he do?  Nothing.  We all know what’s coming.  

The tentacles crash down onto the deck, each with the weight of a London bus, cleaving the splintered ship in half.

We get a glimpse of the great leviathan as it pulls the crumpling ship down under the newly formed waves.  For you die-hard fans, this is GYORG.  

CUT TO a young princess holding court in her father’s throne room, hearing the plights of the townsfolk she has granted an audience to.  

Yea you guessed it, this is Zelda, and she’s clearly a smart cookie and is fair and respectful to the townsfolk she speaks with.  At her right hand is her guardian and teacher, the Aristotle to her Alexander the Great, Impa.  A middle-aged Sheikah woman.  

By the sunlight streaming through the stained glass windows (which, by the way, tell the story of the ancient Zelda (an Easter egg, not obvious)) we know it’s the following day.

In comes this dishevelled old dude who urgently recounts the story of a sunken ship… Our sunken ship! But wait, no, his account is wrong.  He says Daltus supplied the crew with drink, that doesn’t sound right.  Woah woah, what’s he saying now?  The ship’s port-side hit a submerged rock because the crew was drunk?  That’s not at all what happened!  He is the only survivor he says, well… that part could be true.

An emotional Zelda beseeches the man “What happened to Lord this and that? did he survive?”  The old man shakes his head.  “What of lady blah blah?”  he shakes his head.  She’s building up the courage to ask the question.  It’s clear from her foggy eyes, she knows the answer.  “…My brother?” HE SHAKE HE DAMN HEAD.

Devastation.  Stoic, suppressed, sure, but devastation nonetheless.  She takes a moment to swallow her grief.

“What of Lord Ganondorf?”  WELL, says the man, some disembarked before the ship set sail, not confident of the drunken crew’s ability to sail.  Ganondorf among them.

Oh SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!!!

Boom.  Next scene.  We’re getting rural now.  We are nowhere near the regal Hyrule castle, this is a luscious woodland on the other side of the kingdom.

We’re looking at a badass silhouette of a heroic figure, mounted on horseback, with a sword in one (LEFT) hand and a shield in the other.  The horse takes a few steps forward into the daylight streaming in through the canopy… not so badass.  Wooden sword, toy shield.  This is not much more than a kid.  Maybe 16 or 17.

BUT SUDDENLY the horse bolts, the kid hollas a very Link-like battle cry as he jumps off the horse and descends upon what can only be described as scarecrows, crudely mocked up to look like Moblins.  

He batters them in a fun-to-watch but technically unskilled brawl, slipping over here and there.  This is not a hero.  This is a kid.  This is a dreamer.  This is, you guessed it, Link.

He’s interrupted / embarrassed by his uncle, Alfon, and reprimanded for not getting on with his chores.  We see a glimpse of farm-life and, although Link clearly loves and respects his uncle, we know for a fact Link would rather be out there adventuring.  This is Luke Skywalker in the Act I of A New Hope.   

We also meet Malon, a milkmaid with whom Link has an adorkable relationship.  She fires seeds at him from a homemade slingshot in the same way kids pull pigtails on playgrounds.  It’s cute.

Back in Hyrule town Impa is sleuthing.  She doesn’t buy the old man’s tale because she’s SMART as HELL and follows him using her Sheikah skills as he goes about his business through our Flea-Bottom-equivalent.  He goes to a dive-bar inn, a dingy brothel… gross but, as of yet, nothing out of the ordinary for a creepy old dude.  

But then, strangely, he slips into an abandoned house, looking over his shoulder more times than an honest man would.  Impa follows.  We witness him in conversation with a shadowy figure with a woman’s voice, he asks for payment - presumably in return for lying about Daltus’ ship - and holds out his hand in expectation.  Schwing.  He drops to the floor.  We’ve just witnessed this guy’s sudden and brutal execution at the hands of the shadowy figure, who is revealed to be… a Gerudo assassin (!!!) ostensibly tying up some loose ends.  I promise I won’t use the word ‘ostensibly’ again.

Now we get some real action.  The Gerudo bails and Impa launches into full-on chase mode.  They duck and dive across rooftops.  They fight in the streets.  It’s clear that Gerudos aren’t as skilled as the Sheikah in this kind of ninja acrobatics.  In her prime, Impa would own this fight, but the Gerudo assassin is younger and fitter, evening up the odds.  

Before you ask, no this is not a no-stakes CGI extravaganza like a Daniel Craig Bondtage (just invented this word, it means Bond montage) or the Assassin’s Creed movie. This is real.  It feels real.  When they jump down off even 6 foot walls, it hurts.  Remember, Impa is a middle-aged woman.

What I’m saying is: it’s a thrilling, evenly matched fight which ends when Impa seizes an opportunity to dump tackle the sucker.  The race is over.  The interrogation is ON!

Meanwhile, in the castle the aging King is sitting top-table, with Zelda at his right hand in a privy council meeting.  All of the major races are represented around the table.  

Daphnes is looking frail.  He’s clearly too weak to be out of bed, but he’s found the strength from the loss of his son and the urgency of the situation.  

In light of recent events, he’s attempting to secure Zelda as successor to the throne.  The Gerudo representative vehemently protests the idea of a woman on the throne, demanding that “your cousin, Ganondorf, is next in line.”  Plot. Thickened.

As you might expect, this goes down about as well as a piss flavoured milkshake, especially with Darunia, the Goron representative.  Zelda makes an incredible, impassioned speech, invoking the story of her ancestor and damn she’s good.  She’s an orator on Henry V’s level. She wins over passionate Darunia and the cold, logical, but ultimately nice old Rito dude.

But despite having the loyalists round the table convinced, ultimately, the consensus is an unmarried woman, even a woman descended from the great Zelda of old, cannot inherit the throne.  Out-fucking-rageous.

Just as we’re feeling that all is lost and Ganondorf will inherit the throne, Impa BURSTS into the room - thank GOD!  She’s badly beaten and bloody, but it doesn’t slow her down.  She has proof of a plot against the crown, Daltus was murdered… by Ganondorf!  Dun dun DUN!

Voices are raised around the table, shit is hitting the fan and emotions are running high.  Impa tells the story of Daltus’ voyage as we saw it only with one added detail - forces under the command of Ganondorf intentionally released a great beast of old into the bay.  Everyone is stunned.   It’s hard to believe.  The beasts… from the stories? They’re real?  They’re still alive after two thousand years? WHAT?!  

When the question of cross examining the assassin inevitably arises, however, Impa sheepishly admits that she’s dead. Oops.  The Gerudo rep feigns offense and bones the fuck outta there.  No one really knows whether to believe this or not, but Darunia is convinced.

Back at the farm we catch up with Link after his chores are all done.  He’s back in his makeshift training area, this time under the supervision of Uncle Alfon who’s equipped with a real sword and Hylian shield.  OK so maybe he isn’t the helpless Uncle Owen Skywalker of this story (is that his last name? Is Uncle Owen Anakin’s brother or Padme’s?  Don’t look that up, it’s not important.  Keep reading.)

It’s apparent that, after witnessing the woeful display of swordsmanship earlier in the day, Alfon has finally acquiesced to Link’s repeated requests for training.  And guess what?  He is skilled.  And we get to watch him FLEX in an exciting training sequence.  

Malon, just like us, is spending her free time watching this, firing the occasional seed at our hero to distract him from the spar at inopportune moments.

This really is worlds away from the capital.

In Hyrule, ya boy Ganondorf and his followers make a play for the throne, big style.  He’s obviously caught wind of the talk at the privy council, a la the Gerudo rep who left in a huff, so he’s making a move less subtle than he would have liked but he’s still keeping it within the confines of the castle. He doesn’t yet have the forces to fight an all-out war.

This is the first time we see Ganondorf on screen and let me tell you, it’s frightening.  He’s a mountain of a man / Gerudo - the absolute personification of intimidating.  And his coup is bloody.  Everyone either dies or submits.  The king is slain. It doesn’t seem like anyone has made it out the castle alive, as is Ganondorf’s plan. 

We find out Ganondorf’s motivations and the source of his followers undying devotion to him; religion.  The worshippers of Din the Destroyer were apparently unhappy with the outcome of the recent civil war, which, as we know, granted all three major religions - worshippers of Din, Nayru and Farore - the freedom to do so. The Gerudo’s, led by Ganondorf, have been drawing plans against the crown for a generation.  But we get the sense this is just a vehicle for him, his true motivation is pure, unbridled lust for power.

Ganondorf makes it clear that he intends to force Zelda to marry him to consolidate his rule. Impa defends her with all her might but is bested by him and tossed aside, presumed dead. The mere fact that Zelda wasn’t immediately down to clown is enough to send Ganondorf into brutal rage and he slaughters the kindly Rito man from the privy council.  Zelda is imprisoned as the new regime takes hold.

Daaaaaamn son.

Back on the farm.  Rumour of the coup has already got around, but no one much cares except for those who remember the civil war, and yea that includes captain badass Uncle Alfon.

A traveller arrives, an old war buddy of Alfon’s.  He speaks of a rebellion led by the Goron, Darunia.  He must’ve made it out of the castle alive!  Alfon is totally up for knocking some heads and packs up his shit, takes the sword and shield and the horse Link was riding when we were first introduced to him.  This is an emotional moment.  Link is desperate to join but Alfon shoots him down, he is, after all, only a kid.  A kid who sucks at fighting.  Gotta commend him for his bravery though.

Alfon goes to war once again, entrusting the farm to Link and Malon.

Some time later, at the castle, Ganondorf is out quashing the uprising.  We follow a mysterious figure as he, or she, makes her way through the castle ninja-Sheikah-style, dragging a limp body along for the ride.  Fans of the series will recognise this character from their clothing.  This is Sheik.  And Sheik is rad.  

Sheik fucks up some guards and escapes the castle in a stealthy-cool sequence leading all the way out to Hyrule field, where he witnesses Ganondorf return victorious with prisoners in tow - including Darunia and Uncle Alfon.

Ganondorf orders the prisoners be taken to a concentration camp at Kakariko Village, and Darunia be sealed “in the mountain”.  As the prisoner convoy leaves, Sheik and her limp friend surreptitiously hitch a ride.

Meanwhile, at the farm, there are clearly wide-ranging consequences as a result of the coup.  Taxes have been raised.  Goods are seized by Ganondorf’s marauding forces.  Shit’s bad son.

Link is doing his chores half heartedly, head clearly stuck on the fact he’s not heard anything of his uncle’s rebellion.  He thinks about setting out to find Alfon but Malon talks him down.

All of a sudden, a ripple of shock / horror rips through the little rural community they’re within.  The traveller - Alfon’s war buddy - has returned, on Alfon’s horse.  Everyone who looks upon him is stunned.  He looks like shit.  

He shares the fate of the rebellion with Link, including that they have been taken to the concentration camp at Kakariko Village, and abruptly dies of his wounds. 

That’s it.  Link’s mind is made up. He packs a bag with food, grabs his wooden sword a shield and gets ready to set off on an epic quest.  

Just before he leaves, Malon, tears in her eyes, tries one last time to beg him to stay.  But she sees there’s no use in it.  She tosses him her slingshot.

“It’s dangerous to go alone.  Take this.”

FADE OUT 

DAAAAAMN son.

If you’ve stuck it out this far, good work.  Thank you.  I appreciate your attention.  

Honestly, I’m amazed you made it past the first paragraph, you know, the one about the shit that’s in my pants.  

Let’s keep going.  And sorry for bringing up my shitty pants again.

Episode 2: Attack of the Clones ok I guess we’re sticking with this Star Wars thing, sorry, I hate it too

Link travels through the dangerous open land of Hyrule in the direction of Kakariko village but is pretty much immediately discovered by Ganondorf’s (human) marauding forces.  He draws his wooden shield and they are immediately destroyed by the biggest, meanest marauder in the gang.  They erupt in laughter.  He draws his slingshot.  The marauders absolutely crack up, they can’t breathe, who is this kid?  Link fires, straight up blinding the grizzly one.  

Not so funny anymore.

Link is overpowered and bundled into a mobile-cell with a young Goron, Darbus, and a sheikah child named Granté.  Crucial allies going forward obviously.  

Anyway, as prisoners, guess where they’re going?  That’s right, the concentration camp at Kakariko village – exactly where we wanted to go.  Lucky…. Kind of.  

We arrive at Kakariko, a village on the foot of Death Mountain, and it’s like nothing we’ve seen yet.  It’s a totally ransacked settlement, entirely overtaken by Ganondorf’s forces a la Tywin Lannister’s occupation of Harrenhal.  But it’s not just a prison, it’s clearly the base of operations for some kind of mining / weapon smelting operation with armed workers travelling up and down Death Mountain trail.

Link learns the hard way that there’s consequences to blinding people that are bigger than you and is beaten, bloodied and bruised.  He’s about to give up hope as he is thrown into a squalid little cell, overfull with other prisoners.   One of whom is ALFON!  WE LOVE THAT GUY!  HELL YEAH!

But Alfon has been badly injured and in such disgusting conditions, without any form of medical treatment, his wound has become infected.  It’s pretty clear this dude is gonna die, and boy is it emotional.  Link’s crying, you’re crying, I’m crying.  There’s not a dry eye in the house.  Or even outside the house.   

With his dying words, Alfon manages to instill in Link a powerful need to avenge him and an immense sense of duty to ‘save Princess Zelda’.  Alfon urges Link to escape and raise another rebellion. To do so, he is told, he will need Darunia’s support.

With renewed enthusiasm, Link makes an attempt at escape.  And, you know what?  He’s actually successful, making it all the way to the armoury, where he grabs his slingshot and leaves his wooden sword and shield in favour of his uncle’s steel equivalent.  Oh shit, my boy EQUIPPED.

Covert as hell, he saves Darbus and Granté and together they make a break for the gates leading to the Death Mountain trail.  Meanwhile, in the darkness and unnoticed by our heroes, shadowy figures silently take out guards here and there.

The gang is on the home straight now, they’re about to make a break for it when suddenly they spot guards up ahead.  Slowly and quietly they try to pass them without being noticed when a chicken trots up and pecks Link’s boot.  He tries to wordlessly shoo it away, but it keeps pecking.  In a moment of frustration, he boots it one.  

Bad idea.  

Scores of chickens swoop in and go nuts attacking Link, drawing the attention of the guards.  The chickens flutter off and the real fight is on.  This time, equipped with a real sword and shield, Link is actually pretty effective, as are Granté and Darbus (who is literally a walking rock).  You’d have thought they just might win if it weren’t for the 15 extra guards joining the fray.  OH SHIT!

Just as it seems all is lost, the guards drop dead.  What the hell?  The shadowy figures emerge and are revealed to be… a Sheikah clan led by SHEIK and IMPA!  

The prisoners are liberated and everyone rejoices.  Big Act III party and debrief.  You get the idea.

FADE OUT 

Episode 3: Revenge of the Sith I guess

Some days later, the Sheikah have set up something of a honey trap at Kakariko village, where marauders bring their prisoners only to be ambushed by the liberated milita.  They are running a pretty tight ship and have blocked passage to Death Mountain.  

It’s immediately apparent that the Sheikah in charge - i.e. Impa and Sheik - do not think much of Link.

Fortunately, Granté is able to convince them to grant him and Darbus passage through to Death Mountain trail.  Granté elects to stay behind for the time being to help this little resistance movement and be with his people.  Goodbye Granté, it’s been nice.

Our B story in this ep splits off here.  After Link and Darbus leave, we follow Sheik, who is revealed to be Zelda in disguise.  As she deftly interrogates Ganondorf’s forces, she uncovers some stake-raising info about a prophecy Ganondorf is trying to fulfil that sees her head off in the direction of Dragon Roost, homeland of the Rito.  But while she’s gone, the Sheikah lose control of the village and there’s a big ol’ brawl on.  This is weaved in throughout the episode; I’ve just summarised here for time.   

Back to the A story.  The Death Mountain trail is testing.  It’s increasingly steep.  The paths are old and treacherous.  They pass a lot of huge boulders.  They encounter some of Ganondorf’s forces who have been trapped up the mountain since the Sheikah revolt.   

They eventually make it to the entrance of one of the ancient temples but It’s blocked by a big – and I mean big rock – that is just impossible to move.  I know what you’re thinking, If only Link had some magic gauntlets… well HE DOESN’T FOLKS.  This is insurmountable.  He’s not going to surmount this one.  Because it’s insurmountable.   

As night falls, the two dejected friends set up camp and we get to know our characters a little better as they share stories around a campfire.  Time for a LIGHT touch of exposition which will be worked in really well:

Darbus explains that Gorons, like the Gerudo, worship the fire-god, Din, but they were happy to live in peace with the worshippers of Nayru and Farore.  This is why Darunia took Ganondorf’s seizing-of-the-throne-on-religious-grounds so personally.  

We also find out that Goron’s are really hard to kill, they are rocks after all, and this is why Ganondorf has elected to lock Darunia away instead of doing the obvious thing.   But this fact is weird because, there’s almost no Gorons left, they’re kind of an endangered species.

While Darbus is telling a particularly demonstrative story, dramatised by the long shadows cast by the torch he hold in his hand, he accidentally holds the fire too close to the big rock.  Not normally an issue, but this time…

THE BIG ROCK WAKES UP YO.  IT’S A GIANT GORON!  HELL YEAH!  OH WAIT, shit, he’s a bit grumpy about being woken up / burnt on the ass cheek.  Cue a massive, awesome stomp and dodge sequence - well Link dodges, Dalbus gets stomped right into the ground.  It’s cool and funny and we’ve never seen anything like it on TV before.

Anyway, once the giant goron has properly woken up, we find out his name is Daruk and he’s actually a nice guy.  He’s been asleep since not much after the first age (near the time of the original Zelda) and he’s pretty mad to hear about Ganondorf and Darunia etc. and the thought that he might have been picked up and moved to block the entrance is particularly offensive to him.  

He let’s them pass and goes on his own quest to wake up his brothers - all the boulders lying around the place.

FADE OUT

OK folks we’re moving onto much shorter outlines from here on out, should be quicker to get through.  Hope you can stick with me!

Episode 4: A New Hope

A Story - the fire temple:  Link and Darbus face a road of trials in the fire temple as they try to find and recover Darunia.  They discover a large boulder and Link does everything he can to wake it up, including whispering sweet things to it.  But it turns out to be just a boulder.  Darbus calls him a racist.  They eventually find Darunia, who is crushed by his recent defeat and doesn’t believe he can raise the forces to take on Ganondorf.  Together they fight a giant Dodongo, one of the titanic beasts of old.  It’s extremely cool and difficult but they somehow pull it off.  They emerge victorious to find Daruk has raised something of an army of Gorons.  Game on.

B Story - Her name was Rito and she dances in the sand:  Zelda makes her way to Dragon Roost which, by the way, is like, another mountain, slightly smaller and different in shape to Death Mountain, and with a giant egg on top of it.   She’s there to parley with the Rito Queen, Medli - who is only about 10 years old - about being granted access to their records (Rito are like, natural librarians) to learn more about this whole prophecy thing.  But Medli is a capricious little brat who’s pretty annoyed about her father, the kindly old Rito dude, being killed in Zelda’s presence and blames her for it.

C Story - Ganondorf’s diary:  Some political-intrigue here as the new administration makes plans to unify the land under Ganondorf.  We get an insight into Ganondorf’s plan.  Something about the Triforce, a shadow realm, and something about him being a vessel for something something, I think he said… Ganon.

Episode 5: The Empire Strikes Back yep we’re still doing this star wars thing

A Story - off to see the sea: Link and the Goron army head down to Kakariko and CRUSH the revolt of Ganondorf’s forces, saving Impa and the rest of the Sheikah.  They hatch a plan to raise armies all over the land to rebell against Ganondorf.  The Gorons stay behind to build their numbers and strength in that area of the map.  Link visits Alfon in the slightly-over-flowing Kakariko graveyard before setting off in the direction of the Great Bay with Impa where they find all Zorra-hands are on deck trying to deal with the GYORG situation.

B Story - Des-pa-Rito: Zelda is charged with the murder of the Rito king and fights extremely effectively in a trial-by-combat.  By winning, she gains the respect of Medli and is granted access to their records.  Zelda discovers a prophecy about GANON, an other-worldy beast of great power and the enemy of the Zelda of old.  She suspects Ganondorf plans to summon him into our realm and she’s dead set on stopping him.  She also learns of the Master Sword, the only worldly sword that can damage the beast and which once belonged to her ancestor.  It was last left in a sacred temple what is now an overgrown ancient woodland.  

C Story - Going Ganon: In a sick, bloody ritual, like the dead body parts of wildlings in ep 1 of GoT, Ganondorf unseals Ganon’s ethereal prison, and is possessed by it, granting him absolute knowledge of the Triforce and how to attain it.

Episode 6: Return of the Jedi

A Story - water temple: Impa intuitively believes there’s something in the temple that can be used to restrain GYORG and sends Link in after it.  The whole place is booby-trapped to hell because, you know, you’re not supposed to go in there.   

B Story - More like burRito: Zelda presents her findings to Medli but, although she has forgiven Zelda, she refuses to aid in the upcoming war against Ganondorf.  Zelda sends a messenger bird back to where she thinks Impa is - Kakariko - and heads off in the direction of the ancient woodland.  Before she can get there, she is accosted by a band of Gerudos.  They don’t recognise her in her Sheik gear so she pretends to join them and it works for a while, but, right at the end of the ep, her secret is discovered.  Cliffhanger. 

C Story - a mission from a god: Ganondorf / Ganon now knows he needs to unite with Zelda and Link to seal the deal and take control of the Triforce.

Episode 7: The (Tri)Force Awakens see what I did there

A Story - gone fishing: Impa’s hunch was right and Link is successful in retrieving an ancient, gigantic trawling net.  Together they engage GYORG and ultimately recapture it.

B Story - Getting Gerdoed: Zelda makes a break for the ancient woodlands.  She fights, runs, fights s’more and is ultimately captured by the Gerudos before she can find the sword.  She is marched to Hyrule castle.

C Story - an army and a leggy: Ganon’s machinations get interrupted when he gets wind of a large Goron army at Kakariko.  His own forces have grown in strength and number by now so he’s not too worried.  They march. 

Episode 8: The Last Jedi (we’re running low on ep titles)

A Story - team building:  With GYORG back in his play pen, Impa and Link attempt to secure the Zorra’s support in the upcoming war with Ganondorf.   

B Story - home sweet home: Zelda is returned to Hyrule castle and locked up a bit tighter than last time.

C Story - war boys: Ganon’s forces march to Kakariko en masse, ready to break necks and cash cheques, when Ganon receives a message that Zelda is captured.  He leaves the army and heads back to the castle.

Episode 9: Episode IX yea I know but this is genuinely the working title of it though

A Story - the master sword: Link and Impa set off to Kakariko, arriving as Ganondorf’s forces get there.  The war is about to begin when Impa receives Zelda’s message which has been waiting for her there since two episodes ago.  She learns about the prophecy and sends Link to the ancient woodlands to find the Master Sword.  In the woodlands, Link is accosted by a Yoda-on-Degoba-level-annoying Skullkid.  The SkullKid is mischievous and annoying but ultimately leads Link to the Master Sword.

B Story - the smell of napalm in the morning: The war kicks off.  Filmed like the Battle of the Bastards but following Link’s various allies from throughout the season.  Even with their rock-hard bods, the Gorons are being overpowered.  But then the Zorras arrive and it evens out the odds.

C Story - creepy cousin: Ganon and Zelda have an intense chat.  He reveals his plans, but not in a traditional James Bond villain way.  In a cool and also sensical way.  LIGHT exposition.

Episode 10: The Force Shits its Pants I made this title up but it’s what the tenth star wars film should be called imo

A Story - Tri forced: Link arrives.  This is the first time he gets to be face-to-face with Ganondorf and even Zelda out of her Sheik costume.  Zelda is like “YOU? You’re the hero Ganondorf’s been going on about?  The dumbass from Kakariko?”  Link is like “Well… excuse me, princess.”  The fight starts and Link is battered.  He immediately loses.  Of course he does.  He’s not even that good at fighting.  Ganondorf takes possession of the Triforce and his physical form takes that of Ganon’s.  A shockwave explodes out from the castle, terraforming the world into the Dark Realm (think: the Upside Down from Stranger Things)…

B Story - the big fight: The Goron, Zorra, Sheikah alliance is winning when a wave of darkness envelopes them.  Marauders turn into moblins like a werewolf in the full moon, Gerudo transform into flying beasts.  The air support in particular gives the forces of evil an edge and the balance sways yet again… fuck.

A Story: Link refuses to stop fighting, even though Ganondorf has become the great beast that is Ganon.  But he’s still getting his ass handed to him.  

B Story:  The Rito arrive and even up the odds again.

A Story: Zelda distracts Ganon and Link is able to drive the sword into his mouth and win. Ganondorf dies, the Dark Realm recedes back into itself taking Ganon with it.

Epilogue:  Order is restored.  Zelda becomes queen.  Race relations are at an all time high.  Link returns home to Malon.  Big party.

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Post credit sequence: In the woodland, the Skullkid accosts another traveller in the same way he accosted Link.  But this traveller is… a creepy mask salesman.

FADE OUT!

Phew, wow.  That’s a wrap folks. Well done.  If you got this far, seriously, thank you.  Now follow me on twitter.

Mike xxx

[spicynbachili1]

Japanator’s Anime Binge Log: Goblin Slayer

Killin’ Goblins in the Name Of

It’s time again for your semi-regular look at the season’s best and brightest anime! Welcome once more to Japanator’s Anime Binge Log! Last time we took a look at the latest chapter of JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure, a show that, while not universally-liked, is almost universally respected. 

This installment goes a bit deeper into the weeds with a show that managed to alienate a good chunk of its audience from the get-go: Goblin Slayer. Studio White Fox’s adaptation of the hit novel/manga stirred up a hornet’s nest of discourse with a divisive first episode, but what’s the verdict, now that about half its cour is over? That’s the question we posed to the staff and a couple of us deigned to answer!

If you’ve got a suggestion for the show to cover in our next Binge Log, don’t hesitate to tell us in the comments!

Goblin Slayer Studio: White Fox Director: Takaharu Ozaki Airdate: October 5, 2018 Watch it On: Crunchyroll The Blurb: Need some goblins slain? Give this dude a call. 

Staff Impressions:

Marcel Hoang

Oh boy, here I go with Goblin Slayer, one of my soft recommendations of the season. This is the series where I say I like it and when people ask me if they should watch it, I say, “Yes asterisk,” because I verbalize the asterisk that is the catch.

There are two sides to this asterisk. First is obviously the important part which, let’s be honest, you may not be reading this sentence anymore because you just gotta type a comment right now about the controversial rape scene in the first episode. I can try to say words, but ultimately I’m not eloquent enough to even begin saying anything about it. Let’s just say that I think we can universally agree that it was bad. In fact, the whole first episode, even barring the big oops scene is pretty bland and wholly disconnected from why I like Goblin Slayer. That part is the asterisk I mentioned. Everything I like about Goblin Slayer comes later and has nothing to do with the first episode. Hell, I don’t even need the part of the first episode that depicts the character, Goblin Slayer, as a badass, edgelord, goblin killing machine. Even that isn’t all that high on my list of why I like the guy.

Now I’m speaking as someone who is just watching the anime. Asides from the rape scene, the other things that pops up most often whenever Goblin Slayer gets talked about is how messy an adaptation it is and how the manga and then the novel are way better and have more to flesh out. But the thing that I like about Goblin Slayer so far as a limited anime viewer, is the characters themselves. Plus, these characters only get further developed from their respective mangas and novels anyways.

The hallmark is of course good old Gobby Slayer at the front. If you ignore the first episode, Goblin Slayer isn’t a huge badass. Adventurers around him think he’s a dirty, weird maniac who only kills trash mobs yet has the audacity to be considered a highly ranked, silver adventurer. He barely talks, barely interacts with people around him, and in general if you spend any amount of time with him you’ll either want to leave or just be creeped out. But that’s what the people in the show and even the viewers outside the show see. What I see is an autistic man who is living life to the fullest, on his terms. Clearly that’s just my interpretation, but the fact of the matter is that Goblin Slayer isn’t just disinterested with anything that doesn’t involve killing goblins, he’s almost incapable of it. He does try interacting with people, like trying their alcohol or discussing a plan, but it comes out so cringingly awkward, especially when he knows people around him get offended so he even goes so far as to further clarify his point after a conversation. That happens often when Priestess points out the problems in his plans and he simply replies, “I see. Ok then.”

Things pick up when a steady cast of characters get introduced, everyone only having their titles as named such as High Elf, Dwarf Mage, and Lizard Shaman. But not only do we see these demi-beasts bounce off each other, such as the natural friction between an elf and a dwarf, but we then see them interact with Goblin Slayer, who is barely human.

One point I see as a take it or leave detail is the hard fantasy. Plenty of people are turned off by hard fantasy because it’s been done to death already. Normally I’d agree, but Goblin Slayer even then doesn’t make it plain old hard fantasy. Goblin Slayer is straight up Dungeons & Dragons, right down to the dice being rolled in the OP. Magic isn’t some vague power but is a limited resource to adventurers. Goblin Slayer even asks the spellcasters, “How many spell slots they have left.” Lizard Shaman requires totems to be used in order to summon familiars, and a later boss fight involves the fireball spell in a context that is familiar to anyone who’s played D&D, particularly when one party member says to scatter but another replies, “To where?” because in D&D lore, fireball spreads out in all directions and even around corners for 20 or so feet.

Basically what I’m trying to say it, the real first episode is episode two. Throw episode one into the dumpster and toss a match in there, because nothing of value was lost.

Oh, also, before I forget, Goblin Slayer really needs some consistency on how they animate the character. Sometimes he’s respectably drawn and animated and you think he’s a proper character in a dark fantasy anime, and other times he’s this huge block of dark anime CG, and there’s no rhyme or reason when he shifts between the two. He will literally have a conversation with the adventurer’s guild marm (which should admittedly be easy to animate) then in the next scene as he walks to the side to talk to Priestess he’ll be CG. But then when he’s walking away to the door to leave, suddenly he’s animated again and not CG? Goblin Slayer isn’t just proficient at killing goblins, he’s also capable of switching between animation styles too.

Josh Tolentino

I’m right with Strider on this one: Chuck that first episode in the damn trash, because it frankly does the show a disservice. Contrary to what a public relations consultant will tell you, there IS such a thing as bad publicity, and Goblin Slayer brought a mess of it on its own head with that first episode. I don’t blame anyone at all for being turned off the show by the big scene: It was graphic, shocking, and utterly transparent and cynical in its flailing attempt to establish the show as “dark fantasy”, where “dark” is the same kind of cringe-inducing edgelord BS that drives the likes of marketing campaigns for Dante’s Inferno (the game) or similar juvenile awfulness. 

That said, that’s actually the worst thing about it, since the novel (I’ve read the first volume) establishes the edginess so much better, without having to use an explicit rape scene to do it. Given the same scene is in the manga, this is a classic case of a scene getting “punched up” for dramatic effect and resulting in unforeseen consequences. It happened to Marvel comics with the whole character of Hank Pym, and it happened to Goblin Slayer with episode one. And for what? To emphasize that Goblins – a race that is almost never portrayed as good or even tolerable – are bad? That’s honestly as pointless as writing an op-ed in a Vatican newspaper titled “The Case Against The Devil” and thinking that’s a controversial take. 

But enough about that. Goblin Slayer is a fun, atypical sort of misanthropic power fantasy that absolutely revels in how the character of the Goblin Slayer just isn’t like anyone else, for better and for worse. He’s strong, no doubt about it, but he’s not like Kirito, Goku, Superman, or Tatsuya Shiba. He’s not special, or chosen. In fact, other people are the actual chosen ones, and by episode five we’ve already seen a few of them – the characters who would be the leads in a stereotypical Dragon Quest-derived JRPG. Instead, Goblin Slayer’s hypercompetence is the result of his utter and complete dedication to the trade of murdering goblins. His expertise is clearly-hard-earned, but the show doesn’t pretend he’s any kind of aspirational figure. Occasionally it even deigns to hint that this dude with the cool helmet might not be right in the head. 

Of course, the one thing it doesn’t want to do is make Goblin Slayer look genuinely bad. Like a badass, certainly, but not truly unappealing or unrelatable. Despite being shunned and mocked by the other adventurers, he still makes friends with a full party of competent people that desire his company. And his skills constantly land him in situations that threaten to take him away from the goblin-slaying he so craves, interacting with the fringes of the epic struggle against the Demon Lord. In its way, Goblin Slayer as a show is like Konosuba for peopel who think they’d do a better job than Batman. 

And that can be pretty fun to watch, all thing considered. Just skip the first episode. 

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