#if you were not here to witness my overreaction last night (by crying for 3 hours and not moving a muscle in case i creaked a floorboard)

[deeisace]

This sounds kinda rude to me, idk why, but is it okay to leave for the stressed guy downstairs?

[ateloautoatychi]

Bye Bitch, I Won’t Miss You

So, it hasn’t even been 4 hours since I made this thing, and I already need to dump shit out of my brain. Still feels kinda awkward, but I’m pretty sure that will eventually go away.

I was just watching this cari cakes video (she’s amazing, love her travel vlogs) and she was talking about 2020 ending and her highs and lows, and I had to turn it off because I felt like I would end up spiraling. Not that it did anything, since I’m now word vomiting out the spiraling I could have just kept in my head. She was talking about how this year was just straight up weird: it felt so long but short, how so much yet so little has happened, and how things have changed but also stayed the same. It just made me think of my 2020. 

Honestly, thinking about it felt so sad, because this was supposed to be my year. I started this year with literally 5 months left of my senior year of high school. My biggest worries were finishing my research and getting into the 2 colleges I applied to, and the next 2 months were spent worrying about just that. By the first week of March, I had gotten into my top university choice, taken my supposedly 2nd to the last exams as a high school student, and I had gone through my research defense. I remembered thinking that I just needed to survive ‘til April, and I would be free for a month to just hang out with my boyfriend and my friends and just waste away the last month of high school. Of course, that didn’t happen. We were sent home a few days after my research defense. I had a suspicion that it would be my last day in school, but I didn’t think much of it at the time. I didn’t say good bye to my classmates and friends properly, and I had to jokingly tell my boyfriend that he needed to hug me properly because we didn’t know when we would be able to hug each other again. I knew that since the coronavirus was discovered in China I was joking about shutting down school and ending my misery, but I regret that so much now. What started out as a weeklong break for them to disinfect the school ended up with the announcement that we weren’t coming back. I didn’t even find this out in a way I would have preferred: I had woken up to so many notifications and they all ended up being messages sent the night before about us never coming back. 

I then spent the next 3 months being sad and working on my final research paper on and off. Our teachers had let us forgo doing any work regarding all subjects that weren’t research, so research was my only problem at the time. Well, it was supposedly my only problem then. I had been dealing with so many emotions. I was so angry that I didn’t even get to spend the best part of senior year. I didn’t really know what I would have done with that time, but I was sure that it would have been better than anything I ended up doing. I also had to come back home and live with my parents 24/7. I had only stayed during weekends for the last 6 years so it was such a huge culture shock for me to be here everyday. I lost my independence and I was trapped with my verbally abusive father. The fact that I didn’t know my own family anymore was terrible, but knowing that I couldn’t see my friends instead or just leave the house for a while made it 10 times worse. 

Besides that, I was also preparing to enroll into university. Around May I had to start preparing for my enrollment, which was just such a mindfuck because I hadn’t even finished my high school research yet. I wasn’t cleared graduate but I already had to reserve a slot for my course. I was so overwhelmed because nothing was going according to how I imagined it. I had struggled so much in high school, and I couldn’t believe that this was how it was going to end. 

I got to visit my high school one last time by the end of June. I wasn’t allowed inside though, so I was only able to take pictures outside the gate. By the time my dad got my grades and the medal I was supposed to receive at the end of the year and gave them to me inside the car, I started bawling my eyes out. What else could I have done in that moment? My final moments as a high school student were a world away from how they were supposed to happen. 

(So I have started crying, but I’m pretty sure that writing this all down and releasing this from my brain will help, so I will continue) 

July was hazy, but I guess the most memorable part was just the talks and preparations for the online graduation they had planned in August. I think I was also starting to talk to my blockmates more often (we had started looking for each other in May, and I guess I just wanted to make friends so I tried to be active). 

The biggest changes in my life thus far were all in August, and they all happened inside our house. I spent the first 2 weeks preparing for graduation. By the day of graduation, I couldn’t watch it live because the Wi-Fi was so slow. I was so upset I threw a fit. I couldn’t take it anymore. Nothing had gone the way they were supposed to go, and the one thing I wanted more than ever to have didn’t happen. I wasn’t able to take a graduation photo with the graduation cap and gown, I wasn’t able to finish high school, I missed my friends so much, and then this too had to fail me. All my friends were live messaging and congratulating people as they were watching it, and I was missing out. I was missing out on the last bit of my high school life. My dad threw a fit too, I guess he didn’t want to get upstaged. The scene he caused was my tipping point that day. I took a nap because I was so upset. I think we watched it that night but my dad had an attitude at the time and I was so out of it, so I had so little of the attachment I expected to have while watching it. 

4 days after graduation, I had my first day of college. I was still reeling from graduation but I already had to dive in. Within days of starting I had my first meltdown: we had slow Wi-Fi, and I was left to just watch my frozen screen and choppy audio. I ended up leaving the class to take a nap to stop myself from crying. Countless issues with similar concerns followed. 

The first half of the semester was a train wreck. I had walked in hoping that the suffering I endured in high school would give me an edge in college. Of course, I was wrong. Honestly, I just wanted a break. I didn’t know that the suffering would continue. I didn’t know how to study then. I was procrastinating my studying, because I knew that I could go through the lectures at a later time. I hated my professors because they expected me to know everything before they even taught anything. (This literally does not make sense I could go on such a long rant about this) I guess my favorite moments of that half of the semester were when I was joking around with my blockmates about how sleepy I was during one subject and when my friends straight up told the professor that the reason why I couldn’t answer him was because I was on the toilet. (I mean it was true, but they could have thought up a better excuse.) 

I almost broke up with my boyfriend during this time too. We were both so overwhelmed with school and life. I was hurting everyday because it felt like we weren’t even talking anymore. I guess I was also comparing this time to high school and I was hoping that we could still pull off our relationship like how we did then. (I mean, at that time it was also pretty rocky because he was so busy.) I was selfish and wanted him to pay more attention to me. He was so disappointed in himself and decided that he wasn’t fit to be with me. We patched things up but I still cry whenever I think about it for long. You can say I’m overreacting, but I experienced the worst pain I had ever felt on that day.

The finals half of the semester was pretty bad too. With the double-whammy-back-to-back typhoons, the university made some interesting changes to the curriculum that actually just made the whole thing worse. While I tried so much harder during this half, I didn’t actually feel the effects because the situation was also just harder this time around. The Wi-Fi also just REFUSED to cooperate with me during finals period. I had 2 exams where I had issues with the internet, not to mention all the other times I was scared out of my wits that my professor would call me during a time that I had no internet (she doesn’t believe those types of things). During finals, I had a fiasco with my exam because the Wi-Fi was slow. At that point I had Truly had enough. I had studied so hard for that exam, and I was so scared that I would get a zero. I ended up being able to take that exam, but I had to take it back to back with the next final I had. Not a good time but I ended up surviving both. 

The last 2 weeks were uneventful, but my dad has been choosing chaos over the past few days, and yesterday he just exploded again. I don’t think the things he said yesterday were the worst things he had ever said, but they still hurt. Pretty sure he just implied that I’m using my mental health as an excuse, and that he is so sick and tired of the fact he can’t scold me because I would end up killing myself. I love how he couldn’t hold it in until 2021 but then again time is irrelevant he is setting such a great example of this concept! I spent most of yesterday thinking that I would like my parents to have formal diagnosis of their own mental illnesses because I’m pretty sure they both have issues. At this point I don’t really need them to get better I just need closure that they too are also fucked up in the head. My mother’s whole personality depends on every surface in the house being clean enough to eat on and her obsession with accomplishing things, and my father is just a verbally abusive narcissist who knows how to target someone’s innermost being. I know they both act like the other person is worse, but I think that they are both messed up (my mother because of my father) and that they need to own up to the fact that their children are fucked up because of them. 

Did I mention that I haven’t seen my boyfriend throughout the shitstorm we’ve had since March? I miss him so much. 

So yeah, that was my 2020. This post just exposed that I couldn’t move on from everything that didn’t happen the right way. I would argue that there was nothing else I could do, but considering that the whole of 2021 will probably just look the same, I need to do something about it so that I don’t off myself. I definitely will not be making solid new year’s resolutions for 2021, but in general I just want to learn how to roll with the punches and accept the unknown. Honestly, I just want to make sure I reach the end of 2021, considering that I didn’t think I would make it to the end of 2020. I just hope that I have the people and things that I love until the end of the new year, and that I can do whatever I need to survive. 

Hello to 2021, I guess. Please be, at the very least, a little kinder than 2020. 

[petersspidey]

A Real Villain

Request: Could you write a one-shot where Peter finds out your boyfriend is abusive but can't say anything because he found out while Spider-Man?

A/N: So I haven’t been in an abusive relationship before so I hope I wrote this somewhat accurately? #I also never proofread so hit me up if you find any mistakes or anything.

Warnings: Abusive Relationship

Word Count: 1854

Part 2  //  Part 3  //  Part 4 

Masterlist

Once upon a time, you had a happy relationship with your boyfriend. He would kindly ask you on dates, bring you flowers when he knocked on your door, and kiss you goodnight when he dropped you off at home.

You loved him, you really did. You knew your friends didn't like him, but he tried his best to be friendly around them. Eventually he just stopped hanging around you when you were with your friends.

Your boyfriend, Justin (Idk this name just popped into my head), would sometimes overreact to things. He didn’t really like it when he knew you had been with your friends and were late to meet him for a date. He also didn't really like it when you spent time alone with Peter. He didn't really let you. You didn’t like the idea of not spending time with Peter alone, but you were still able to see him in class and at lunch.  

Justin would sometimes hit you if he was really upset. He once found out you were alone with Peter in your bedroom, and he had hit you the next time you were alone. He apologized afterwards. Justin told you that he had overreacted and promised he would never do it again.

That’s what he always said though. You truly loved him, so you always forgave him. You believed he truly loved you, so you truly believed him when he said he would never hurt you again.

Sometimes, Peter would still show up at your house late at night. You would always spend the first few minutes trying to get him to leaving, knowing Justin would be displeased with Peter’s presence in your bedroom late at night, but Peter would refuse to leave, telling you he missed his best friend and that you should break up with Justin.

You would always tell Peter that you loved Justin and that you weren’t going to break up with him. Eventually, Peter would drop the topic, knowing it would just make you angry.

The only other times you really saw Peter was at lunch. He sat across from you and Michelle. Lunch was your favourite time of day. It was really the only time you got to see all your friends.

One day, you had a late night movie date planned with Justin, Peter had come over after school to help you finish your lab report, but after the two of you had finished your work Peter ended up sticking around.

You and Peter were goofing around in your bedroom when suddenly your mom shouted up to you “Justin’s here!”

You froze.

“Peter you have to leave. Now,” you ordered.

“What?”

“Peter. Leave. Now,”

There was a knock at your bedroom door.

“Y/N?” Justin said from the other side of the door.

“Can I come in?” Justin asked.

“Just a minute! I’m getting changed. I’ll be right out,”

“Please Peter, just climb out my window or hide in my closet. Justin can’t see you here,” you whispered

Peter stared at you for a second “Does he hurt you, Y/N?”

You froze.

“Y/N, does he hurt you?” Peter repeated.

“Please, please just leave,” you begged.

Peter looked at the fear in your eyes and eventually nodded. He grabbed his backpack and headed towards your fire escape.

You watched Peter climb down the fire escape, as soon as he was far enough down, you turned towards your mirror. You smoothed down your hair and clothes, and reapplied your lipstick.

After you made Peter leave, he was skeptical as to whether you were really okay. He knew something was going on with Justin. Peter decided he would put on his suit and kindly follow you on your date. He just wanted to make sure you were safe.

You opened your bedroom door and walked out into the living room where Justin was sitting and talking to your mother.

“Oh, Y/N did Peter still here? I didn’t see him leave,” your mother said.

You didn’t dare look at Justin.

“He left hours ago. He just helped me finish my chemistry lab report and went home,” you lied.

You turned to look at Justin, you could see he was fuming on the inside.

You smiled at him, “Ready to go, babe?”

He gave your mom a small smile and then got up and placed a forceful hand on the small of your back and led your outside.

When you got outside you decided to finally speak after a completely silent walk out of the building.

“Where are you taking me tonight?” You asked

Justin was silent for a moment. You looked up at him and say his clenched jaw, and clenched fists.

“I can’t believe you had Peter over. Alone n your room of all places,”

“He was just helping me with homework, Justin. Nothing happened. Nothing ever happens,”

Justin reached down and grabbed your wrist. He tightened his grip on you and started walking faster.

“Justin, slow down, your hurting me,” you said.

Justin stopped In his tracks and dragged your around in front of him.

“Really, Y/N? This hurts?” Justin said, tightening his grip on your wrist.

“It hurts me when you see Peter behind my back. This is how I feel when you see him, knowing how much I hate it when you do,” he said, emphasizing his grip on you.

You could feel the tears welling in your eyes, and a lump forming in your throat.

“Please,” you begged.

Little did you know that Peter was indeed following you. He was sitting on the roof of your building, listening to what has happening. He knew he had to swoop in and stop Justin from hurting you.

Justin was still tightly gripping your wrist, explaining how much you had hurt him when suddenly there was a web across his mouth and Spiderman landed on the sidewalk a few meters away from you.

“You know, you really shouldn’t hit your girlfriend,”

Justin let go of your wrist and tried to pry the web off his mouth.

You backed up so your back was up against the wall of your apartment building.

“Are you alright, miss?” Spiderman asked you.

You nodded, holding your wrist in your hand.

“Listen dude, you really should leave her alone. You have no right to touch her,” Spiderman said to Justin.

Justin used all his might to pull of the web.

“She’s my girlfriend. I have every right,”

“Oh see, that’s where your wrong. Haven’t you ever heard of consent? Or, I don't know, treating a girl right?”

“Oh fuck off, Spiderman. You don’t know anything about our relationship. You have no right to butt in like this,”

“Again with being wrong. If you plan on hurting this girl, or any girl, i’m going to intervene. Never lay your hands on her again,”

Spiderman webbed Justin’s hands together, and then webbed over his mouth again.

“You should go home, miss. I'll take care of him,” Spiderman told you.

You nodded, and headed towards the entrance to your apartment buildings, not daring looking back.

After you left, Peter knew he couldn’t exactly take Justin to the police, knowing that he wouldn’t be arrested without a report from Y/N. So he decided to teach Justin a lesson.

He went home that night, not regretting hurting Justin. Well, he didn’t hurt him too much, but enough so Justin knew he meant business. He couldn’t sleep knowing that you were in love with that absolute ass. He knew he had to talk to you about it, but he also knew you wouldn’t open up to Peter.  

Luckily, the next day you didn’t have school and you wouldn’t have to face Justin.

You had planned on staying in bed all day. It was already the afternoon when you heard a knock at your window. You quickly turned over in bed and you were face to face with Spiderman.

You jumped out of bed and walked over to open your window.

“Can I come in?” Spiderman asked.

You nodded, moving aside to allow Spiderman to enter your bedroom.

“Did you break up with him?” He asked.

“No,”

“Why not?”

“I love him,” you said.

Spiderman took his face in his hands, and ran his hands over his head.

“Really? Y/N, he beats you. How much can you really love that?”

“How do you know my name?” You asked.

“Is that really the most important thing? Your boyfriend beats you and you stay with him. How can you love that, Y/N? How can you love someone who gets off on hurting you?”

You sat down on your bed with tears welling in your eyes.

“Get out,” you said.

“What?” Spiderman said.

“Get out!” You ordered.

Spiderman looked at you for a second, before obeying your request, and climbing into your fire escape and swinging away.

You sat on your bed crying, for what seemed like forever when you eventually picked up you phone and called Peter.

You knew you shouldn’t be seeing Peter, but he was the only one besides Spiderman who ‘knew’ about Justin hurting you.

Peter came over almost immediately when you had called.

He opened your bedroom door and saw you lying in bed crying.

“Y/N, what’s wrong?”

“I’m so stupid” you muttered, starting to cry harder.

Peter came and sat on the edge of your bed. You reached over and grabbed his hand.

“Come lay with me,”

You moved over, allowing room for Peter to slip into your bed with you.

You brought yourself closer to Peter and lied your head on his chest. Peter wrapped an arm around you and wiped away a tear.

“I can’t believe I'm so stupid,”

“You’re not stupid, Y/N,”

“Yes I am Peter! He hits me! I have bruises! If Spiderman hadn’t’ve saved me last night I’d honestly probably be dead on the road right now,” you cried.

“Please break up with him. You deserve so much more than him. You deserve someone who will love you unconditionally and who will always be there for you. Someone who will let you have friends and not hurt you when you spend time with someone other than them,”

“I don’t know how to break up with him. What if he tries to hurt me again?”

“I’ll be there for you Y/N. I’ll come with you. I’ll be right by your side the entire time,”

“Can we just lay here for a while?”

“Of course,” Peter placed a light kiss on your forehead.

You knew you would have to break up wit Justin eventually, and you knew that Peter would be there for your no matter what. You just knew you didn’t deserve Peter.

[stardustpubs]

From Neverland

     What does it mean to love someone? Do you have to sacrifice everything for the sake of their happiness? Will it come naturally over time? Are there things you have to change about yourself? How does it last forever? May be these are all the wrong questions to ask. May be it's the wrong perception of love. People often stereotypes love; but in actuality; love is diverse, a different case for everyone. Written in these pages is the final journal entry of a man who struggled to keep his love going, but instead, witnessed the death of his high school sweetheart from  a deadly disease that had torn apart many. Being in love with someone for years until you are forced to move on whether you like it or not is no easy task. I guess forever is not enough to measure how one can love. A lifetime? May be. Probably. We might never know. These things should just be left aside as a superficial distant future. For all we know, love is boundless.

A dashing first attempt of a bittersweet love story that is relatable in some way or another.

A/N: Picture does not belong to me and if the original artist is identified, please credit and cite accordingly. Thank you. Source: Pinterest

November 21, 2017

Huxley Lofts Apartments, Room 208

478 Railroad Street, Groton, NY

      A month has passed since tragedy struck this apartment. It's been an entire month of wistfulness and wander. The incident almost seems like a dream by now, slowly sinking to memory, scar emerging. But echoes and memoirs of my past deeds, whether in bliss or in woe, still haunts me to my very being.

    Me. Her. Us. And everything in between.

    It all begs me to remember when I try my best to forget. But maybe I don't need to forget. May be what I need is to learn from it. Sounds cliché doesn't it? That's because it is. And it's pitiful enough for me to advise myself some sappy life lesson that I'm sure will not even pursue. Sigh.

    'If only I'd ran faster.'

    'If only I had kept my mouth shut.'  

    'May be only then, I wouldn't feel so empty right now.'

    'And broken.'

    'And alone.'

    'And lost.'

    These were the thoughts I had on that cold winter night. I still do feel the same, yes, only lighter. The wound is still there but not as deep anymore because I do not intend to be held back by these thoughts forever. Regretting the things I failed to do or what I could have done will not and will never change what had already happened. I have to keep moving forward. I need to let her be the doves and sing among the stars in Neverland. At least, that is what she want me to do and I have to keep my word close to my heart at all times.

    What a horrible way to start an entry, I know. I was never really good a writing introductions. Let's just hope I can write the ending better. Anyway, like I said before, I need to keep moving forward, and I'll start by narrating the events that took the life of one (MY) Wendy 'Darling'.

    Welp, here goes nothing.

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    It was hours afterwards when I found myself weaving hastily through the crowded streets of the city: through the loud chatters of passersby, the constant ringing of phones, and the bickering of cards and buses; an irritating cacophony of the city's night life. I mean, it's the same for the day, but still, irritating. Not to mention the invasive contact of skin and the quick warm breath of the people made it difficult to breathe. Or was it just me? I'm not so sure anymore. What's worse though is that it was so freaking cold. I had nothing but a jacket, a plain shirt, a pair of sweat pants, and sandals on in the middle of November. It was such an embarrassment to be seen in such thin clothing.

    To be honest, I just sort of ran out the door and didn't bother to put on anything else since getting the medicine for Wendy was my top priority at that moment. Besides, it doesn't really matter now, does it? It was always my fault anyway. I got carried away by the heat of the moment and overreacted. We had another argument, well, the same argument actually. It's all she has been saying about over these past few months.

    "Arthur, I don't want to take my medications anymore," she said in a weak frail voice.

    I stood by the bedside table measuring her prescriptions with mouth agape but not entirely. Shell shocked, sure, but seemingly - ok, may be it was obvious- annoyed by the consistency of her pleas.

    "Yet you never do," I replied.

    "I'm sure of it this time," she responded with great confidence.

    "Sigh. Why even what that, Sunshine? If that happens, I'll be lonely for the rest of my days."

    I flashed her a soft wavering smile before she mumbled, "But you don't have to be," her eyes wet with tears. At that moment, I dove in to the edge of the bed and caressed her cheeks as I attempt to stop her from crying.

    With my heart rumbling, my stomach churning, and my smile faltering, I asked, "What's wrong, Darling?"

    "I am! I've caused you nothing but trouble this past year. I'm a burden to you, Arthur. I always have been."

    "What are you saying? No you're not. Never have I thought of you like that," I argued in return.

    "Just look at you. You work 4 hours a days at 3 part-time jobs each and for what? 3 bottles of 'booze' a month that doesn't even seem to work while you struggle to pay the rent. No sleep, no eat, all work; you're basically as dead as me."

    "So, what are you implying?"

    "Forget about me. Think about yourself for once."

    'But we decided this would only be temporary until we can afford for your surgery."

    "Yeah, well, I'm deciding something else now."

    "And I decided we will never speak of this again!" I said with a raised voice.

    Silence enveloped the room. Not one of us dared to utter a word for the moment. But the presence of it was foreboding, and so I spoke, "It's time for your medicine". I grabbed the tray littered with bottle sand cups from the table and placed it between ourselves like a boundary before guiding one of the cups towards her mouth.

    "I don't want to," she pouted.

    Irritated, I said, "Enough is enough, honey. Drink the medicine."

    "No."

    "Drink-"

    "I said no!"

    "Just drink the god-medicine, Wendy," I exclaimed as I shoved her the medicine.

    "NO!"

    Next thing I knew, there was a slap at my wrist and a thump in my lap alongside the clattering of plastic and shattering of glass. It took me a second staring at the pool of chemical splattered on the floor before I processed what had just happened: She shattered her one chance of survival I so desperately worked hard to give her. And then, I broke down into fits...

    "LOOK AT WHAT YOU'VE DONE! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH I SPENT ON THAT? FOR YOU AND FOR THAT CAD SHIT?"

    "Arthur, I'm-" she stammered.

    "NO, YOU'RE NOT! ALL THIS TIME, YOU'VE ONLY BEEN THINKING ABOUT WHAT YOU WANT! WHAT ABOUT WHAT I WANT? ALL I WANTED WAS TO SEE YOU GET BETTER. I WANTED YOU TO LIVE. BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY, I WANTED TO KEEP LOVING YOU!"

    "WE'RE NOT LIVING IN A FAIRY TALE, ARTHUR. WE'RE NOT IN NEVERLAND LIKE WE ALWAYS BELIEVED. THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS HAPPILY EVER AND THERE WILL NEVER WILL BE. THERE ARE SOME THINGS THAT ARE JUST MEANT TO BE BROKEN. AND I'M ONE OF THEM. IF YOU TRULY LOVE ME, THEN LET ME GO. WE'RE BOTH SUFFERING IF WE CONTINUE TO LIVE LIKE THIS."

    The thought of such deed struck a chord in my heart which left me speechless once again. But knowing myself, I refuse to accept such fate, and I decided to make sure of it.

    "Stay here. I'll be back in a few minutes," I ordered in the most calming voice I could muster at that time.

    "Where do you plan on going?"

    "The pharmacy."

    "In the middle of the night? That's 4 blocks away! You can't be serious!"

    I ignored her nevertheless as I reached for my jacket in the closet, but she held onto my arm before I could do so and pleaded, "Please, Arthur, just stop it already. It's not worth it. It’ll be too late. Please!” However, I just shook her off and went anyway and said, "For you, anything is worth it," because apparently, apathetic is what I am.

    The mere lights of each lamppost illuminated a small portion of the darkened setting against the bright fluorescent lights; guiding me and leading me home. A sudden burst of rain made everything dreamy and hazy. While others went to seek refuge, I dashed across the crosswalk with a bag of necessities, passing door after door. I was completely soaked, but I couldn't care less. I was desperate to return to the apartment. And when I did, she was right. It was too late...I was too late. "Wendy, I'm back," I called out. What I expected to be the woman of my dreams to welcome me home, instead, I found a pale figure drowned in blankets sleeping soundly in our bed, a single piece of paper rested over her hand:

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    And that was the end of it, the end of our supposed to be never-ending story. When the paramedics came, they informed me that she died shortly after I left her from a heart attack due to high blood pressure. It was my fault. Everything was fault. I was the one who ruined everything. But that's beside the point. What matters right now is how I shall move on from such a tragedy.

    Do I call myself a widower now? We haven't actually gotten engaged or anything, I guess not. Would I even learn to love again? It depends on how I see it now. If I would have guess, I once believed wholeheartedly on the concept of forever, yet, I never really understood any of it. But I think I do now; it's a lie. Forever is a beautiful you wished to believe with someone and cherished it together against all odds.

    You know what, may be Wendy and I aren't meant to be forever. May be it was only meant for a lifetime, at least, Wendy's. I still have all the time in world that I can spend loving her. May be I won't end it just yet - or maybe I won't. We'll never know. But when I do, I'm going to tell her all about it in another life.

Signing off,

James Arthur Celestine, Her Peter Pan.

PS. What do you know, I did write a better ending!

[marimagines]

My Time With You

Between - Taehyung & Y/N Genre - Will probably contain everything Words - 4,456

Backstory - You’ve been working as a BTS staff member for a long time. You’re close to all the members since they’re all close to your age than the other staff members. It was hard in the beginning to get used to their perfect personalities and features. They all were like your friends but you weren’t allowed to have a relationship with them further than just friends because of the company’s policies. You did find them all breathtaking but there was one member that always stood out the most to you and you couldn’t help but have a crush on him. You were always quiet around him to avoid awkward encounters with him and you didn’t think he noticed. It took you a long time to try to get used to him, much longer than it did with the other members and you thought you were over him but you were wrong. The feelings you had been avoiding for so long come climbing up to your heart again after one night.

Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 4 - Part 5 - Part 6 - Part 7

________________________________________________________________

Part 6

The atmosphere in your house calms and it gets quiet as you were still in Taehyung's tight embrace. Your sobs slowly turn into sniffles and once you were calm enough, you push back while breaking the embrace. Guilt was rising in you as you realize how stupid you must've been, ignoring him over something like that.

"Sit down, please." You say quietly, as almost a whisper. Taehyung walks over to the couch and takes a seat while you walk over to the kitchen to get him some hot cocoa. You tell yourself that it was better to tell him a little about your life since he's already walked in on it. You didn't want to burden him or make him worry but if you didn't tell him, he'd be even more worried. Taehyung is one of the few people you have in your life, and he's also the person who makes you feel happy and safe. Despite the fact that him being here, in your house, seems wrong but he was the one who was there for you when you crumbled even though you didn't want him to see you like that.

Taehyung was fixing his jacket when you walk into the room with a tray topped with two hot cocoas. You hand one cup to Taehyung and take the other one as you sit next to him since there was a lack of space to sit. He didn't say anything except for a thank you when he took the cup. You sort the words you want to say in your head and think of the right way to put them in. Obviously you had to explain why you behaved the way you did. Especially since the two of you were actually getting along this time, you didn't want to ruin that. You sigh and look down into your cup while drawing circles with your finger on the hot white cup.

"I'm sorry." Taehyung looks at you but you couldn't look back at him. Guilt and shame were two things you were feeling right now. You were ignoring the fact that both of you were sitting too close at the moment. This wasn't the time to focus on those feelings. "I'm sorry for the way I acted. And, I'm sorry for ignoring you and hurting you and yelling at you." You were too embarrassed and ashamed to even look at him. You did overreact in this situation and you had to fix it before it got worse.

"It's okay." His voice was as soft and gentle as ever. You always loved how gentle and soothing he always sounded in every situation.

"No, it's not. I know you didn't mean to hurt me or offend me. I overreacted and acted childish. I get that you were curious or something. There has to be a reason on why you asked those question. But I made it awkward and stressing. So I'm really sorry for that."

"Hey, don't say that. It's really fine. I know I shouldn't have asked those questions, especially in that manner. It was just something that was moving in my head and I just blurted it out without giving much thought. It's your personal life, so you had a right to be angry." You look at him and that's when you finally stare into his brown eyes. He looks even more perfect close up like this, even better than what the camera shows. Your body was already feeling at ease just through eye contact. His dark brown, warm, deep eyes were something you wanted to stare at all the time. You give him a smile and take a sip of the cocoa then look away. Looking at Taehyung for long and having to control your feelings and emotions was something you couldn't do. You never thought you would actually fall for someone like this, you did have crushes before but something made you feel like Taehyung was more than just a crush. You were thinking of ways on how to start talking about yourself a little bit. You didn't like talking about it but you had to since Taehyung got an idea of it.

"My parents," you speak up while staring at the rug on the floor, "separated a few years ago. Mum left the house after they got a divorce. I was 15 when I saw her take her stuff and leave. She didn't even look back when I called out to her. She left like she was waiting for that day for so long. So ever since then I had been living with my dad but he was frequently traveling or getting into bad business. But he always made sure I had everything I needed, he always made sure he didn't lack in giving." Tears were forming in the back of your eyes as you recall all the memories of your parents, of your dad, of the times when you were actually happy. "Last time I saw my mum was when she came to my graduation with her second husband." Taehyung's gaze turns to you as you say the last sentence. He was probably shocked too, just like the way you were that day. Your mum did seem happy with the guy and that's why you had let it go then. You didn't want your mum to be unhappy so all you could do was stay quiet even if it hurt you. Tears were sliding down your cheeks and this time you let them fall. It was better to let some of it out than to keep it in. You let out a little laugh as you feel a little pathetic and embarrassed. "The support and love a child is supposed to get from a mother, I never got that to the fullest."

"And what about your dad?" Taehyung whispers. You look at him and see his eyes were watery too but not as bad as yours. He was obviously concerned and worried about you.

"My dad." You smile and look away again. You couldn't face him while saying these things. To you, it felt embarrassing and pathetic. "He disappeared last year in summer. After I turned 19 and got accepted into university, he said he was traveling for business purposes but then he never came back."

"Did you try-"

"I tried calling, texting. I checked everywhere he could be but no sign of him. My dad's best friend helped me get a job and said that he'll look for him instead. Told me to focus on myself for now and that he'll look for my dad."

"Any luck?" You shake your head then take a deep, frustrated breath. You look back at Taehyung and your eyes meet. Even at a time like this, his eyes were calming you and keeping you stable. Seeing him like this, having him right next to you, made you realize that you didn't want to ruin this relationship. Your feelings for him are something for you to deal with and you didn't want to ruin this with him. You didn't want to go back into that awkward energy with him like before.

"So this is a little look into my small, messed up life." You chuckle as a tear falls down your face. "And, the reason why I got angry is because, no one mentioned it before. I didn't talk to anyone about it properly. I didn't tell anyone how it feels or anything. I don't like talking or hearing about it because it hurts me. I see all those kids with their parents and I hope that they don't have to go through something like mine. I got angry because it hurts and because it's mostly anger I feel towards my parents." You put the mug back on the table and take a shaky breath to stop yourself from breaking down. "How could they do this to me?"

Your voice cracks as you say that last sentence and tears just fall nonstop at this point. You keep wiping them away, one by one. Taehyung was sitting and watching you cry until he had enough too. He scoots over to get closer and pulls you into his chest where you bury your face and silently cry a little more. His hand was on your waist while the other was stroking your hair gently. It felt good to have someone to share it with after such a long time. You didn't know it'd be Taehyung that would be the shoulder you'd cry on.

You break the hug when you realize that it might be awkward for Taehyung right now. He was silent most of the time and all you did was cry and talk. You whisper an apology and you're about to move back a little when he grabs your wrists. Both of you shocked at the action look at one another and Taehyung smiles as he tilts his head to the side. You look at him in shock and confusion while you try to control your insides and not freak out. One of his hand slowly goes up to your face and he moves some of your strands behind your ear while keeping eye contact. Your heart was already a beating mess and your stomach had more than just butterflies in it. This situation was completely different than it was just two minutes ago and so were your feelings. It felt like Taehyung was the one controlling your emotions and feelings at this point. He let you cry but now he was turning your insides and making you forget that you even cried a few minutes ago. He brings his face closer to yours and his eyes keep looking at your lips and then back up to your eyes. You take deep breaths and think whether it's a dream or not. It certainly can't be a dream, can it? You were lost in his eyes, in his warmth, in him. Was he really doing something you thought you'd never get? He stops just a few inches away from your noses to come in contact and licks his lips a little. It was obvious what was happening but was it real or was it just a dream. He looks at you one last time and you slightly nod to give him approval. Once you do, his lips come in tact with yours and that's when your insides blow up. The warmth and softness you feel from his lips, the comfort you feel as his other hand comes up to grab your face too, it all was enough to melt you. You grab onto his shirt, unsure of where you could actually touch him. Your heart rate was out of control and your blood rush was faster than ever as your lips move in sync. Taehyung was keeping a slow and steady pace, something that you were loving. The kiss didn't seem aggressive or demanding. He moves more only when he feels you're okay with it. He pushes only when he feels he should. Your eyes were closed despite how shocking it was for you. Taehyung is kissing you. You. This is something you always wanted but never thought it would actually come true. Does this mean he likes you or does it mean he pities you? Thoughts come after another and you kiss him back harder to stop those thoughts. Taehyung responds to your kiss with even more force, causing you to moan a little. Your face feels hot all of a sudden because of your action and Taehyung breaks the kiss and starts to chuckle. He looks at you and caresses your cheek while giving you an easing smile. You bite your lip and look down but look up when he lifts up your chin so you look at him again.

"It's alright." He whispers and cups your face with both his soft, warm hands. "I'm here now." You stare at him confusingly, still in daze from the kiss. "Don't keep things in. Talk to me, I'll listen to it all."

"I'm s-sorry." You stutter out and notice the amusement on Taehyung's face.

"For what?"

"For, umm, you know. What we just did." A smile creeps on his face as you slowly move back a little, feeling confused, dazed and worried.

"You mean the kiss?" It was obvious Taehyung was enjoying this, seeing your reaction. Of course it's not normal to have Kim Taehyung kiss you in your house while sitting on your couch. These things only happen in dreams or thoughts, happening in real life isn't something small. Especially to you. He isn't just Kim Taehyung of BTS, he's your crush, he's someone more than a crush. He's special to you in your own way.

"Uh, ye-yes. I shouldn't. I mean." You were lost in words. The only excuse you could think of was stupid but you say it either way. "Uh, I-I shou-should go sleep." You quickly get up and grab your mug and take his mug too. "You're not still drinking right?" Words were coming out really quickly and all you wanted was to be alone for a while. You weren't in your senses, there's only one thing that was moving in your head.

He kissed me. Me.

You pace into the kitchen and then to your room to get extra pillows and blankets and then run back to Taehyung.

"Umm, are you okay with sleeping on the couch?" You ask as he was still smiling from seeing you like this. You were nervous and dazed and he was finding it cute. "Taehyung-sshi, you can sleep on the bed if yo-"

"No no, it's fine. I'll sleep here. Don't worry." He says as he stands up to let you set it on the couch. You keep taking quick glances and see his eyes on you only. It was making you even more nervous. You quickly put it on the couch and turn but bump into him again. Your eyes widen at your own actions and you bend 90 degrees.

"I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to."

"Hey, its alright. I know you didn't mean to." He was enjoying this too much. Seeing you this nervous, it was too cute for him. He was thinking of doing something else to make you more nervous but stops himself. This is already too cute and adorable to handle, Taehyung doesn't know what he'd do if you get more than this. You walk past him and you're about to leave the room when he calls out to you. "(Y/N)." You turn to look back at him and see him smile and wave his hand. "Goodnight."

"Ah yes, sleep well." That is the last thing you say before running into your room and locking the door.

Sliding down the door, you sit on the floor, leaning on the door while letting out a huge and relieved sigh. You finally go through the whole kiss again in your head. It was so slow and so perfect. Your heart still didn't find a synced beat, your stomach was still in a knot. You bite your lip and close your eyes, trying to picture it all again. This definitely isn't a dream. Taehyung actually kissed you. You actually kissed Taehyung.

"Was this okay?" You whisper to yourself as thoughts come back to you.

Was this a pity kiss? Or did he feel the same madness I felt during the kiss?

Sleeping tonight is not even an option so you go and change into your night clothes and lay in bed, staring at the ceiling and drowning in your thoughts. Drowning into him, his warmth from each time you had contact with him, his smile and the way he laughs. Everything about him, it was all too perfect. It's all too perfect to be real. Your lips slowly curve into a smile too as you think more and more about him. Was he have trouble sleeping too? Was he thinking about you or no? You take a deep breath and tell yourself to get it together. It obviously fails, how could you be normal when you two had contact like that. If someone at the company finds out, it's the end for you and what about Taehyung?

"Oh god!! I'm such an idiot!" You say you yourself as you press your palms to your eyes, shutting them up. "But, it did feel good to open up, and the kiss; I didn't initiate it right? Aaisshhh!" Your legs swing up and down, making you bounce on your bed. You were feeling worried but also good. You did get one good thing but it also had a price to pay. Maybe he didn't mean it as much as you did or maybe someone will find out soon.

The thoughts run in your head, one over another, nonstop. You turn to your right side, then your left side. You lay on your back then flip to your stomach. Right side. Left side. Straight up. Unable to find a comfortable position, you sit and think of that moment again. It may be overreacting right now but it was Kim Taehyung himself. Anyone would be reacting the same way. Of course he wasn't just Kim Taehyung to you, he was far more special than anyone else. He's the person who makes your heart flutter, melt, hurt, turn. He's the one who makes you so comfortable yet so awkward. He's the one who makes you smile and he's also the one who lends his shoulder to cry on. He's not just Kim Taehyung to you, he's that special Kim Taehyung who's irreplaceable.

You didn't know when you had dozed off last night because when your eyes open, it's already shining outside. You slowly turn around your bed, looking for your phone and groan when you don't find it. You sit up and rub your eyes then run a hand through your now messy bun. Stretching out like you always do every morning, you remember what had happened last night. Sleepiness runs out completely when you stand up really quickly and fix your hair.

"Could he still be here?" You ask your reflection on the full size mirror that was next to your chested drawer.

You quickly freshen up and get ready, white sweater with beige skinny jeans today, and grab your white overcoat. You comb your hair and leave it down for a while then get up and unlock your door slowly. As you walk out the bedroom, you don't hear anything so maybe Taehyung left. You walk down the hall and notice that your kitchen was clean, completely clean and your mess from the assignments and papers, they were cleaned up and set aside as well.

Did he clean up my house for me? Aish this is embarrassing.

Your house was rarely this messy and when it was, Taehyung was there but he had cleaned up for you and you felt a little bad and embarrassed by it. You walk to your small table where you study and see how organized it looks compared from how it looked last night. You were going through your papers silently when a cough comes out from behind you. You flinch and jump a little by the sudden noise and close your eyes.

"Good morning." His voice still had that playfulness in it from last night. You turn and smile at him. He was sitting on the couch, he even tidied up the living room area. "Your phone was ringing a lot and I picked it up."

"What?"

"Your friend called and she said that your class is canceled today due to some reason she wouldn't tell me about."

"Ah. Okay." You scratch your head in a loss of words. "My phone?"

Taehyung hands you your phone once you walk up to him to retrieve it. It was 12pm now so that meant your 11am class was canceled but you still had two more classes today. "You look pretty." Your eyes widen at the compliment and your face turns red quicker than you thought it would.

"Ah, I-umm-I didn't do much. What pretty." You laugh a little and turn to grab your assignments. Your heart was racing at just those three words. "Ah. Taehyung-sshi, aren't others going to wonder where you are?"

"Who are you talking to?" You frown at the confusion and turn to him again. He gets up, walks over to the table and leans on the chair with his arms crossed.

"Uh, you, Taehyung-sshi-"

"Didn't I tell you not to call me that? You can drop the honorifics when we aren't at work, (Y/N)." He stares into your eyes and you freeze in your position. "Call me Taehyung or something else. Not Taehyung-sshi, at least not when we're alone." He smiles and you already realize that he'll do something to make you nervous again. "Repeat after me, Taehyung." You stare at him in disbelief and smile a little at his action. "Repeat it. Taehyung."

"Taehyung."

He smiles right after you say it, causing your insides to melt right away. "Aish. This is too much. Say V now."

"V." He grabs his chest and pounds on it a little while making cute noises. You smile more and more at the way he was acting.

"Oh god, (Y/N). You're just, say Tae Tae now please." You open your mouth to say it when he stops you. "No no, wait. Let me just." He inhales and exhales several times and then nods to let you know that you can say it.

"Tae tae." You say it and that's when Taehyung lets out a loud moan and groan and drops to the floor. You get shocked at first then worried but you notice him smiling like the happiest kid ever and smile at his silliness. He was acting like the way you act whenever you think about him. "Are you okay?"

"Nope. Oh my god. You're just too cute (Y/N). Do you know that?" Taehyung stands up again and clears his throat while still holding a smile on his face. He probably knows the affect he has on you, the affect his words and actions have on you. You smile a little and shake your head then look down to your papers because there was no way you'd be able to look at him and be normal right now. He was being too much to handle. "Do you have more classes today?"

"Yes, I have two more classes today. One at 1:30 and the other at 3."

"So you're leaving now?" You nod at his question and start putting your papers together so you can shove them in your bag.

"By the way," you think about your words carefully, whether you should say them or not. Was it a good idea to bring it up now? You look up at him and he's staring at you, waiting, "Thank you, for tidying up this place. It's not always a mess but yesterday it was just-"

"It's alright. You always take care of us at the job so i thought why not take care of you this time. You're obviously tired too." He smiles and pats your head. "I'll walk you to the bus stop."

"No no it's fine. I'll go. You should go and rest too and change your clothes and freshen up."

"I'm okay, I'll walk you. Let's go."

Taehyung walked you to the bus stop and left when the bus started to accelerate. You watch him walk the other direction and one last thing you saw was him looking back to you as the bus had stopped on the traffic light. He waved at you and you could tell he was probably smiling too.

You sit back comfortably and close your eyes to get yourself together. If someone at BigHit finds out about your kiss with Taehyung, you'll definitely be in big trouble. Being friends with them was fine but dating them or being more than friends wasn't since you were part of the staff. This was a policy the company had set and it was repeated to you several times as well. But you still did what you shouldn't have. If it wasn't for the policy, you would be jumping and screaming out but that one sentence, it was making you more nervous than ever.

When you reach the university, you walk to the usual place you and your friends sit at. You silently walk towards them when your friend, Sarah, jumps in front of you and yells out your name.

"Ya! (Y/N)! We need to talk!" She grabs your wrist and drags you a little further than the other two and crosses her arms after letting you go. "Who is he?"

"What?"

"Don't play innocent here woman! Who was that guy I talked to in the morning? Boyfriend? Where'd you meet? Oh my god what have you been doing? Did you two, oh my god, did you-"

"Woah woah okay, stop. He's just a friend, Sarah."

"Lies! Why would he be at that hour in the morning? He obviously slept over right? And what did you do when he slept-" You laugh out loud and put your hand over her mouth to shut her up.

"He's just a friend from work." You quickly think of a name in case she asks.

"What's his name?"

"Ti Yung." Sarah stares at you for a while and you know she wants more explanation. You sigh out loud and start to create up a story. "He got drunk last night when we went to hang out, I didn't know where he lived so I ended up bringing him to my house. That's why he picked up the call." You pray that Sarah buys it and she nods her head and looks around.

"So nothing happened? No second base or third base?"

"Oh my god!" You yell out and slap her as she starts laughing at your reaction.

"Okay okay. I understand." You two start walking back to your other two friends. "He's cute though, right?"

"Stop!"

"He sounds sexy to be honest with you. Like really sexy." You roll your eyes and smile at the thought of Taehyung and his smile, and that kiss.

~Taehyung's point of view~

He watched the bus drive away from him and watched you fade away slowly. Taehyung walks the other way but hears the bus stop so he turns to wave you goodbye again and then walks away to the dorm.

The thought of you, it was enough to make his insides turn. He sits down for a while and stares at the sky.

"She makes my heart flutter." He says to himself while letting out a sigh.

________________________________________________________________

Hope everyone liked this. Leave a like and check out my other works too

A/N - I was going to post this 3 days ago but my internet was slow so i couldn’t post it but here it is now. Hope everyone liked it and the update for Namjoon’s ff will be updated soon too.

[anonn92829020-blog]

You’ve reached the end

It’s over.  it was all a bad dream. A nightmare that came to an end. From December to May 22nd. You’ll always remember this day. The day he called your dad and said he doesn’t want to pursue this any further. The way he said those words like you don’t mean a thing to him like this entire marriage was a joke to him He blames me for leaving him for not coming back when he wanted me to but he didn’t move a single bit from his stance. I’ve been an emotional idiot all my life and previously it costed me 8 years till i found out the guy was just a manipulative asshole and he was abusing me. I remember begging and crying in front of him to trust me to just stop controlling my life but he never understood.  Everyone around me hated him! I saw the same pattern in this marriage and it scared me! I could see bits and pieces of abnormal behaviour but i let it go thinking its too early to judge. Maybe it’s long distance, maybe i’m overreacting and it’ll all be ok when i’m there with him. The first week: He picked me up from the airport got me flowers and a cake. I was scared deep down for some reason it was just his aura and the way he acted it always seemed like a cover up like he wasn’t being him! like he was closed off and he was hiding something. He was not very expressive since day one and I thought thats his nature and its okay but it did not feel right anyhow the first day went by thinking it’ll be okay. The entire week his mom didn’t speak to me. I wasn’t welcomed. I felt like an intruder who just walked in their house without being asked to. He spoke to my mom from the airport but was extremely rude, he talked as if he owns me now and they have no say in my life. He talked about how mom talked to his mom and inquired about a visa status and his mom is sick now because of that argument which wasn’t even an argument it was just a question and my mom should keep her mouth shut. My mom only told him to relax, give me (her daughter) space and keep me happy.  The second week: I started picking up on weird behaviour. There was a camera installed in the living room. The eldest daughter in law was like a walking talking dead body. She was a zombie who has given in on life. She was insulted and bashed openly in front of others and no one took a stand. His mom was absolutely crazy! She threatened to take my phone away to cut ties with my family but i let it go, thinking my husband will help but he didn’t. Each weekend he took me out, spent time with me but we never had a connection. I didn’t know what to say to him how to communicate. He never praised me, never said anything that could tell me that he loves me. Yes, there was intimacy in bed but there was nothing more in the sense that each time i tried to communicate how i felt, what my needs are and how his mom drives me insane all day. He said nothing.

The third week:

It got worse! It felt like prison. I was not allowed to go down to get air, to meet anyone, no one was allowed to see me. It felt like i was going to die. I tried so hard to tell that to him to please just let me out for 10 minutes.  He said why? don’t i take you for a walk each day. Don’t you go with me? Why do you have to go alone? i couldn’t understand how is that even a question? If i want to go get air because i’m suffocating in a tiny apartment then i should be allowed to? no? Am i asking for too much here? What am i doing wrong? I started to question my own demands.

i thought i was going crazy but the anxiety kept adding. It kept adding to the point that I would cry in bed for hours each day. I would wake up with anxiety and panic attacks. 

Fourth week:

He tried a lot to explain to me he cant trust me. I cried and told him i’ll leave but he didn’t understand. I told him to leave the door unlocked at least, don’t lock me in. He said no but he kept assuring me it’ll be okay, be patient. I’ll take you away on the weekend, we’ll go for our honeymoon to Seychelles and Prague (though this was after the argument with my parents)

I couldn’t understand whether it was manipulation or he actually wanted to make an effort but he couldn’t maybe because of mental insecurities? I just couldn’t understand but my gut kept telling me to leave! I tried so hard. I gave in. i thought that’s life and i should be positive but there was nothing practical.

Fifth week:

My parents came to visit. I wanted to go away with them for a week, just for a break. I asked him to let me go. He said no. He told me if you leave this marriage is over. I cried a lot. I begged him. He said no. I was so scared of him that i would think 20 times of communicating something to him just so he wouldn’t think of anything negative. He was the kind who would link up stories and arguments to build up wrong scenarios and predict negative things for the future. He had some paranoia I couldn’t understand. I have never come across anyone so insecure.

My dad opened everything on the table and told him that he shouldn’t lock me in like that i should be trusted and allowed to go out like every other family member. He said no and since i have broken his trust he will not allow me. My dad asked me how I did that. he said:

She lied to me when i asked her how many times she has visited the UAE. She first mentioned thrice then when i questioned her she said no it was twice.  Secondly my dad earlier called him to tell my cousin wants to meet me but she then couldn’t come because she went traveling so he turned that around and said some people wanted to come see her and I cant allow her to go out until i meet that person. My dad assured him it’s my reference. I’m her dad! i’m referring that person to meet her. It’s her cousin. He said no. 

And based on these two reasons he cant trust me so I will not be allowed to go out. 

My dad, brother and my mom were shocked, angry and just confused! My dad asked him to give me my passport so he can take me away for a break. He said he doesn’t have the passport it’s with immigration. I went home with him that night.

He cried in bed telling me not to go that it’ll be okay. Deep down he could see what he has done but he was not willing to change he just didn’t know how. He was helpless and i could see. It was like a mental patient trying to snap out of his behaviour but he just did not know how to behave. 

I assured him i wont go but i need to be trusted. He said fine. I wont give you the keys still because i cant trust you but what i can do is you can go after 3pm when the eldest daughter in law comes home and you’ll tell her where you are going, why and she’ll let you out. You will plan it ahead with me and we will see. That obviously meant she will count my hours, minutes and seconds and then tell him whether i’ got back in time or i lied. I could see what he’ was doing but I said ok.

I went back assured my dad it’ll be okay and we’ve all overreacted and he should just go home. Trust issue will eventually subside. He’s just being a kid and I’ll manage it. My dad and mom being extremely religious were scared, scared to their very core. My mom each time she prayed she would get a wrong signal something that would throw her off and they kept telling me to leave wit them and they’ve seen enough. I tried very hard to convince them and went back to my husband again. His mom vented out for 3 hours that day, insulting my family, me, bashing my character, ridiculing my mom. She did everything in her power to hurt me. Hurt me so much that i would pack up my things and leave. The stuff she said were unbelievable. It was like Allah’s way of opening up her heart and mind in front of me and telling me to judge and make a decision. 

All i did was apologize and i hugged her, said nothing back and went my room.

The next day my dad called he said i’ll leave but i’m concerned of your safety so please keep your passport with you. I said ok. I asked my husband he said he can’t give me that, I asked him why he said because your dad threatened me and he said he has options and he will end the marriage so i cant trust you with my visa. I’ll cancel your visa and then hand over your passport. My dad didn’t threaten him, he told my dad that he will end the marriage if he takes me away so my dad said I will end it first. He’s twice our age and he’s sick, any elderly person whose concerned for his daughter’s safety would’ve behaved in the same manner if the SIL was being this egoistic weirdo. 

I asked him to just hand it over to me for 10-15 minutes just so i can assure my dad i have it and he can then keep it. I don’t want it. He said no. His insecurities started to flare up again i could tell. My dad was adamant on getting me passport. His mom and brother came on the last day. They acted as if they’ve done or said nothing to me and it’s been all my fault. My dad took the passport and told him he’ll take me since he cancelled my visa. He said fine. I went home to pick up my stuff and he told me not to go again. He knew what was happening but he couldn’t stop it now. It was done. 

it was all a series of unfortunate events one after the other after the other and my say in this was minimal. I would control my parents and then i would come back and deal with him. I kept reconciling on both ends but it just did not add up.

I left and i stayed with my family. He told me to come in 10 days or this marriage is over. I tried to tell him what has happened up till now. The marriage will not work unless he doesn’t trust me. I was scared of going back because he’s this insecure person who can build whatever scenario in his head and begin to question my integrity. He said if i had that problem i wouldn’t have told you to found work and to me it made sense. I told him i’ll come home it’s fine. 

From there it was down hill: 

Up to this point my family observed:

These people have zero sense of respect for anyone

My health is a huge question mark since the eldest DIL could not even get a surgery done because the doctor told her she’ll get an anaesthesia and her husband said “iskay saath phir doctor pata nahi kia kar de so ask her dad” they called her dad and scared him and said “put it in writing that if anything happens to her we are not responsible” the poor guy didn’t say anything and that woman never got a surgery done. 

I wonder what they’ would’ve done with me. Eldest DIL was my husband’s first cousin.

I was not allowed to even pick my parents up from the airport because he said it is not the right protocol

My parents were served with left over food no one waited for them for lunch and i begged my husband to please at least pick them up from the hotel he went but acted like a complete asshole with my dad, mom and brother.

I still was not trusted with my own passport and a key

His own neighbors told us they are crazy, there were no relatives from his side at the wedding, his own relative told us to leave they wont change and it’ll only get worse. The relatives who did show up only had negative reviews

I cant even begin to explain how they behaved at the wedding. They were a total of 20 people who came and his mom, brother and himself were so full of themselves and all they did was misbehave. The overall vibe everyone got from them was so negative that each and every person in the hall was questioning and talking about how we’ve made a mistake. 

I still gave him benefit of doubt and told him i’ll come home just speak to my mamoo because my mom and dad aren’t on board with this decision so i want some elder on my side since your elders aren’t coming forward. i want some support if shit doesn’t work.  He said ok. He spoke to him and my mamoo told me he’ has severe insecurities and he isn’t a positive person however if you still want to go back thats your decision and personally he said you wont last for more than a few more months with this guy because he doesn’t see the bigger picture he just jumps from point A to B to C. I was hurt after listening to his review too i was hoping he would give some assurance he would’ve seen something positive that we didn’t see but i said i’ll give him another chance. I told him i’ll come. He said come next week i said fine. That weekend i went to a a place which is 2-3 hours drive with my brother. It was long weekend and he thought i needed to get out because all i did was fight and argue on the phone with him but i didn’t tell him because of the drama of fighting back and forth. Being away i told him everything i felt, all the times i was hurt, all the things i heard his mom talk trash and i wanted him to vent to so we can get it all on the table. Since he had some mental issue he never admitted a single mistake he did he justified everything! blaming me for everything i’ve done, for leaving and not coming in 10 days. He was hung up on the smallest of things but he couldn’t still address the two reasons of not trusting me and I couldn’t understand his reasons. My family kept telling me to not fall for it. It’s all a cover up to control you in the future. What if he accuses you of something later in life and throws you out of the house? What if his mom comes up with some bullshit scenario and feeds garbage in his head and he agrees with her and treats you even worse than now? He had no backbone to stand up for me and i could see it clearly! I was said a lot of shit and he just stood there or sat there like a victim as if i was the one to be blamed.  Anyhow, i said i’ll come the only thing i said was let’s spend time alone. Let’s meet somewhere and let’s be alone so we can move past our differences and go home he said no he has work and i have to come back the way i left. After finding out i went away on the weekend with my brother. He took a mini vacation of his own and went to Spain just a way to retaliate? or make me jealous? i’m not sure what it was. I didn’t mind. I knew we were both going through a lot. I told him he could’ve taken me. I started to move to a healthy normal medium, i spoke to him and started to talk about a family. What he thinks of the future. since the past and present were extremely dark i thought maybe we could talk that out and build some connection. I said we might need to get a bigger place when the kid comes in and we’ll build a nursery and we’ll have to move out. He grabbed the word “move out” and maybe told his mom. He said he’ll come down to take me home since he has time off now I was happy. I said sure! During that time everyone around me was falling sick and i don’t fever and flu but much worse. My mom got sick and brother got sick. I told him how about i visit my mom (since i’m in a different country with my brothers) and when you come i’ll come back. He said no! stay there i don’t care if your mom is sick. I said ok. I didn’t speak to him for two days because how he showed no interest in my mom’s sickness. He called me after two days telling me he has cancelled the plan to come see me and spend time with me since i told him to “move out” i said when did i say that? he said you told me that and it is not up for discussion i said it was because we were planning the future. He said no and things spiralled so badly out of control. I begged him and cried and pleaded and did everything for 10-15 days to just come see me to be with me for a few days he said no come home like you went and tell your dad to call my mom and apologize and give her assurance that you wont leave like this or this marriage is over.  I said but my dad didn’t do anything? He said no. I spoke to my parents and they’ve had it with him. I did all i could and finally called my dad today and told him he’s sending divorce notice soon. My dad said fine.  After 3 months of hell and seeing only 5% of improvement in this entire case. I can’t tell where i went wrong. What the hell happened? I knew from the day i signed the nikkah that it was not going to work, like deep down in my heart i kept ignoring that feeling. On the wedding day everyone knew it wont work but i kept pushing! I fought, I’ve cried, Ive begged and I’ve done everything and i feel he has to. He did all he could do but he couldn’t give in to his own mental pressure to his own principles and rules that he has designed for himself. he couldn’t break his own barriers, the barriers we as a family could not understand and he couldn’t understand that his mom does not want the best for him. This entire marriage has ended but his mom did not come forward to reconcile even once to tell my parents it’ll be ok just send your daughter. She only told him to end it and she stood next to him literally dictating what to say when he called my dad.  I feel bad for myself for ignoring my gut, for giving someone a chance who i could see will never be enough for me not because of the way they lived or his mom but because of mental compatibility. I believe elders need to be respected his respect was restricted to his mom and brother. I believe in emotions and being in love he believed love and trust is built over time. I believe everything can be fixed if two people could emotionally connect and trust he believed it was all a deal and i would blackmail him in the future in some way? I asked him how and he said you will use your passport as a weapon against me and you will blackmail me. He also told me I only came to work on his visa and when i didn’t find work I created noise and left. My agenda was to find work and then blackmail him to move out? his insecure head builds up such weird scenarios and those scenarios were not his they were his mom’s  and the sad part was he fell for them? he believed them? and he ended this! I’m a foreign passport holder why would i ever want to work on someone’s visa when i could travel anywhere in the world and work anywhere? Each time he opened his mouth to give a justification for his action it was a red flag on top of a red flag. I used to think WHAT? Why is he thinking this way? How can someone be this insecure? All this time i’ve done istikhara. I’ve prayed a lot and so has my mom. The more we prayed and asked Allah for a sign the more situation got out of control! I remember praying tahajud and just asking Allah to end this if it’ isn’t the right decision for me and two days later he called and he was a different person. It was like Allah’s telling me “here’s your sign! do you see it now?” it was like his brain has been hypnotized by someone and he has forgot to think! Or maybe that was the real him before it was someone else. He was not a bad person he just wasn’t taught respect and value of a “marriage” how to treat a woman? for him and his mom everything revolved around their “respect” even if that included suffocating someone or treating someone like shit.  I always used to think there’s a reason for everyone’s behaviour so i always give people benefit of doubt hoping i could understand their psychology and why they behave the way they behave but with him i failed! and just one negative event after another and i could not tell or understand what was happening around me and it all kept crumbling down.  His family was so keen on taking calculated risks and i on the other hand was willing to give it all only at the cost of being trusted alone to get air when i’m dying...