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livingbecauseofwriting · 5 years ago

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Life’s Too Short

Hello loves! So i’ve never really done anything like this (except like 3 horrible short stories I put on Wattpad like 5 years ago), but I really hope you enjoy. Please like and share and comment what you think.

Me and my sister are doing a writing exchange where each month we draw 2 short dialogue prompts and a character and write a story and give it to each other at the end of the month. We just started this so this is the first story.

I posted something about it and someone responded saying they’d want to read it so here you go. Anyway Imma shut up, but If you like it and would like for me to continue posting each month’s story and possibly opening up requests and stuff to write regularly please let me know!

This month’s prompts were:

“Don’t think about anything, just tell me you love me and hold me tighter” and “What are you doing up?”

I got Grayson Dolan.

Word Count: 8487

Warnings: life threatening event but I don’t want to give it away.... and cursing if that needs a warning

(Tumblr fucked up the formatting when I pasted it in here so if it looks weird I’m sorry I tried to fix it)

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Bright golden rays cut through the curtains as the sun set high into the new day’s sky. The sunlight spread cross your modern style bed and illuminates you and your husband’s bodies. You were facing each other with your legs tangled together under your pure white comforter. The bright light spreads across your face and you groan softly as you come into a conscience state. Grayson smiles softly at your utter look of annoyance at the signaling of the new day that has brought you out of your slumber. Grayson has always been a morning person, while you are not, and would sleep until the late hours of the day if given the chance. Because of this, Grayson is usually a wake a good hour or two before you in the mornings and gets up, always careful not to wake you, to start his rigorous work days. Today, however, Grayson had a day off, something that had become increasingly rare in your lives, and so he opted to stay in bed and just admire the heavenly women that he gets to wake up to every morning.

He chuckles as you slowly shift in the bed in an attempt to block the sun from your eyes. He reaches a hand up and gently moves some of your messy bed hair behind your ear and places a soft kiss on your forehead.

“Good morning babe” He whispers, his voice still groggy and scratchy from sleep. Your eyes flutter open and you look up at him with both a look of love and annoyance.

“It would be a good morning if the sun wasn’t being so rude.” You pout and bury your head in Gray’s bare shoulder as he pulls you closer and presses another kiss to your hair.

You lie like this for a second until you suddenly become very aware of his presence as well as what time it probably is, seeing as the sun is shining so bright and he’s usually up and working at the crack of dawn. You pull your head away from him abruptly and look at him with a very confused look on your face.

“Why are you still here? You’re usually deep into your work and filming with E by this time of the day?”

When the twins started their online presence on Vine back in 2013, the rose to fame rather quickly. It was something neither of them expected. The videos they made were just of them having fun and being their own idiot selves and it turned into a massive following. When they moved onto YouTube in 2015 that following only grew. Now with well over 18 million subscribers, filming every day, marketing meetings, promo meetings, gaining sponsorships, creating video ideas, and finding new creative ways to reach an even bigger audience, the twins were busier now more than ever.

“Usually yes, but we did a lot of work this week and got ahead. So, we earned ourselves a day off.” Grayson explained softly as he continued gently caressing your hair as he studied every feature of your tired, yet beautiful face. It’s been just over 4 years since you two met, and every day he was still completely in awe that he got to wake up with this life, with you beside him. How’d he get you? I mean he honestly just couldn’t understand, how he possibly got this beautiful woman beside him? Every day when he saw you sleeping beside him, he silently thanked God for that day, that day that started everything for you two.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Back story ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You and Grayson met after you moved to California for an internship in your senior year of college. You had quickly discovered a coffee shop perfectly placed right between your apartment and work that became your favorite place to study and get work done. Coincidently, this was Grayson’s favorite coffee shop and he had been a regular since He and Ethan moved to Cali years prior.

After constantly seeing you in the café time after time, Grayson became curious. You were this mysterious girl who showed up out of nowhere and took over his coffee spot, even the workers were beginning to get closer to you and knew you better than they knew him, and he had been going there MUCH longer. However, he just couldn’t get up the courage to question the beautiful girl that made his day just a little bit better whenever he saw you there sipping your hot chai tea with almond milk and concentrating intensely on god knows what you had to work on that week.

However, the day came when he had no choice. You had only been at the shop a short while before you get an emergency call from work making you hastily gather your things and rush out the door at exactly the same time Gray was trying to enter causing you to slam into each other. Your hot chai went everywhere, mostly on you and your computer.

“SHIT!” You yelled looking down at your clothes and your probably now ruined computer. You quickly looked up at Grayson who looked just as stunned as you as Ethan completely lost his mind, laughing his ass off behind him.

“I’m so sorry. I should have been looking where I was going. I’m sorry. I just- oh my god this is probably ruined... and oh my god, are you wearing a Gucci shirt that I just ruined because of my clumsy ass self…” Your muttered so quickly that it practically came out as one sentence.

Grayson’s expression softened as he noticed how stressed and petrified you looked.

“It’s ok. I mean yes, it is, but it’s fine. I can just steal my brother’s, he has the same one.”

Grayson smiled. “Oh, shoot here let me get you some napkins” He said immediately after, rushing inside and grabbing a giant stack of napkins off the counter and bringing them over to you.

You smiled hesitantly still shocked and stressed and took the napkins from him and began to attempt to wipe the chai off your clothes, computer, and books.

“You look like you’re in a hurry, can I help you with something? Do you need a ride... or new clothes?” Gray asked chuckling a bit. You looked up giving him a look that you clearly didn’t find this funny as you continued to wipe your belongings.

“Um thank you, but I really do have to go. I’m so sorry again. Um, you come in a lot. Maybe I can make it up to you next time... I’m really sorry.” You responded quickly still in almost a single sentence. Before Grayson could even comprehend what you said or even mutter an “ok” you were halfway down the street rushing to your work emergency.

To say Grayson was stunned would be an understatement. He really didn’t care that you spilled hot chai all over him, no, he was mainly shock at how everything went down. This girl he’s been wanting to talk to for weeks and THAT is your first interaction. It was like something straight out of a movie. Grayson collected himself and punched Ethan’s arm as he made fun of Grayson’s flushed expression. He wondered if he’d see her again, and if he did what it would be like now that the ice had been broken.

He was disappointed when he didn’t see you in the café the following day, but figured either you were entirely too embarrassed to show your face around here anytime soon or you were busy sorting out your computer problem, either way, he desperately wanted, no, NEEDED to see you again.

That’s why his heart nearly stopped when he walked into the café three days later and saw you sitting there, your back facing him so you didn’t see him as you intensely poured over your books and typed away on what looked like to be a different computer but not necessarily a new one. He couldn’t resist the smile that spread across his lips and he silently thanked God that Ethan was too lazy to get out of bed and opted out of coming to pick up their coffee with him.

Grayson noticed you weren’t sporting your usual hot cup of chai and hastily went to the counter and ordered Ethan and his usual along with your chai tea order which he had picked up on after watching you order it every single time you came in. When the drinks were done he carefully made his way to your table. He still wasn’t entirely sure what he was doing but he knew there was no turning back, he was already in motion.

Grayson reached you and you still hadn’t noticed him as you were so focused on your work and had your earbuds playing soft music in your head. He cleared his throat gently and placed the chai tea on a clear spot of the table in front of you making you jump slightly as you quickly yanked out your earbuds and looked up. You smiled as a noticeable heated blush spread across your face.

“Oh, uh, hey sorry I didn’t mean to scare you. I uh got you your drink. I noticed you didn’t have one today and I thought I’d get you one to say, ‘sorry I got in your way the other day.” Grayson said awkwardly desperate to explain himself without looking weird or creepy as he rubbed the back of his neck and shrugged softly.

You smiled brightly and shook your head softly. “Please don’t apologize. It really wasn’t your fault. I need to watch where I’m going, but thank you this is very sweet.” You took a sip of the chai not sure what to expect that he had ordered you, but as soon as the drink passed your lips you looked up at him surprised. “Char tea with almond milk and an extra shot...How’d you know? Are you stalking me?”

Grayson’s eyes widened and he quickly shook his head, “Nononono, I uh, I don’t know if you’ve noticed but we’re here at the same time a lot and I’ve just noticed you get the same thing every time and honestly it’s not that hard to remember.” He said chuckling nervously.

You smiled at his quickness to defend himself. “I was kidding. Thank you though. I love this.” You took another sip and there was a bit of an awkward silence for a second before he gestured to the computer you were using and questioned, “You got a new one? I hope the other one didn’t mess up too bad. I know you probably had a lot of work saved on there.”

You nodded and placed the cup down sighing. “Not a new one just a loaner from a friend. I can’t get mine to turn on and I can’t afford a new one which is fine except I can’t retrieve any of my work from my computer so I basically have to start all over from scratch.”

Grayson nodded in understanding and cringed sympathetically at your pain. “I know your pain. My entire work exists in my computer but my brother’s very clumsy and has messed up one or two. So yeah I know a guy who’s been able to fix some of mine and if he can’t fix it he can at least retrieve the data from it. I can hook you up if you’d like.”

Grayson swore his heart stopped as he watched your eyes widen and a look of utter disbelief and amazement, but most of all relief, wash over you. It was adorable. “Really!?! That would be absolutely amazing. Oh my god you’re literally saving me so much time and work.”

Grayson smiled and nodded just glad he could help but also hoping this gave him an in or at least an excuse to spend some time outside of this small café with you. “Yeah of course. Actually, he lives just down the street from me. I can talk to him when I get home and see when he’s available.”

“That would be perfect. Here let me give you my number so you can contact me.” You said picking up a pen and ripping a small piece of paper from a page in your notebook. You quickly scribbled down your number trying to make sure it was readable as Grayson stared at you, his heart beating rapidly in his chest, he couldn’t believe it. You handed him the number and he took it tentatively, like it was the most valuable item on the planet, and honestly at the moment in his world, it was. Grayson starred at the number and quickly realized he didn’t even know your name.

“Thank you, but um, what name should I use for the contact, I don’t think I ever caught it.” You smiled surprised at his words and chuckled softly as you leaned back in your seat.

“You managed to remember my coffee order but never picked up on my name?” You questioned smirking at him watching in amusement as his face went completely red.

“I mean… now that I’m thinking about it, yeah. I’ve always just kind of referred to you as the ‘chai tea girl’… I mean not that I’m talking about you often but like the few times it came up with other people that’s what we called you.” Grayson said rambling nervously as his face went even more red. You chuckled and shook your head softly.

“I’m just giving you a hard time… I’m Y/N, but I’d hate to mess up what you already know me as, so please continue referring to me as “chai tea girl’ if you must.” You laughed softly at your words and Grayson’s heart melted. Your laugh was like music to his ears, it’s something he could see himself listening to everyday. These thoughts were nuts to him. He barely knew you, yet at the same time he feels like he’s known you his whole life, it was like nothing he’s ever experienced.

“Y/N...? I like that name, it’s really pretty.” Grayson responded softly smirking making you blush. “I’m Grayson…”

“Yeah I know. And your brother is Ethan? You guys are a bit bigger than I think you’re giving yourself credit for. My sister really likes you and I’ve seen a few videos through her. You’re funny, and unique from every other YouTuber. I like that. Originality.”

Grayson smiled and nodded softly, proud of his brother and his work. “Thanks that means a lot. We work really hard to create good content that’s original to us so I’m really glad you like it. We do a lot of crazy stuff, shit happens, things break, that’s why I know this guy. He’s fix many computers and cameras for us and retrieved a lot of content we thought we lost. He’s good, he’ll for sure be able to help you.”

“That’s awesome. I hope so, I can’t lose all that.” You said sighing in relief. You were so intrigued by Grayson. Sure, he was hot af, but there was something else. The guy standing in front of you was so different from the guy everyone watched on YouTube and something inside of you was begging to find out more about this real, authentic version of Grayson Dolan.

The conversation eventually died out as Ethan spammed Grayson with texts asking where the hell his coffee was and you had to get back to work anyway but you left each other feeling like you were floating and neither of you could stop smiling.

Grayson texted you later after talking to his friend and you agreed to meet at his place the next day. It took his friend all of 5 minutes to fix your laptop and retrieve all your work. You were so relieved and in the rush of gratefulness to Grayson and his friend, and with all the time you suddenly had on your hands now that you didn’t have to do all that work over again, you and Grayson agreed to go out, somewhere other than the coffee shop.

The next night Grayson took you on one of the most unique and fun dates ever. What you thought was going to just be dinner turned into a picnic on top of a cliff under the stars and breaking into an old theater and performing for each other, just complete nonsense. You continued to an amusement park where Grayson of course won a stuffed t-rex with giant eyes after watching you freak out about how cute it was. You explored the city and later found yourself at a beach to watch the sun rise. Everything about the night was perfect. It was a night pulled straight out of a movie and neither of you could comprehend it, but that night was just the start.

Soon you and Grayson were seeing each other at least every week (outside of the café) and then once a week turned into three times a week until it got to the point that you were practically living with the boys. They started including you in bits and pieces of their videos and soon their whole fan base knew you. You and Grayson dated for two years before he finally asked you to marry him. Everyone knew you were meant to be together and it was just a matter of time, so it was no surprise when you finally sported that diamond ring on your finger.

It was quiet and intimate. Grayson rented out the whole coffee shop that started it all. The place was filled with fairy lights and all the tables were moved and the floor was covered with pillows and blankets and Grayson made sure you had all the chai tea you wanted. A screen was projected on the wall and once you were settled in it began playing starting with the Disney intro to fake you out, but quickly turned into a slideshow movie about you containing all sorts of pictures of you, you and Grayson, your friends and you all together, and a bunch of videos, some which you had no idea they were filming.

When the movie finished you had tears in your eyes, just seeing all these memories, you couldn’t believe this was your life. You turned to hug and kiss Grayson but he was down on one knee holding an opened velvet box with a beautiful, simple diamond ring inside. You didn’t know how you didn’t notice him get up before but there he was. It was incredibly cheesy but that’s just who he is. He already had tears in his eyes not even having said anything yet.

“Y/N…if that video isn’t testimony enough to the impact you’ve had in my life, then let me tell you. Babe I have no idea where I would be without you. From the moment I saw you, sitting in this coffee shop working your ass off on whatever project you had due that week and drinking that damn chai tea, my heart knew it needed you and I don’t care how fucking cheesy that sounds, it’s true. Everything happens for a reason, and when you ran into me two years ago, destroyed your laptop and ruined my favorite Gucci shirt, it was fate. That was the beginning of something so beautiful and nothing else mattered. Our love is once in a lifetime, and I’m so glad it exists in ours. I would fight for you and find you in any lifetime, and I want to spend the rest of this one with you by my side. So please God, will you marry me already?” Grayson chuckled and smiled as tears streamed down his cheeks.

“It’s about damn time!” You laughed crouching down to his level and flinging yourself into his arms. “I love you so much you fucking asshole. Of course I’ll marry you.” You giggled pulling away, cupping his cheeks in your hands and wiping his tears with your thumbs before pulling his lips to yours. You both smiled uncontrollably into the kiss and pulled away leaning your foreheads against each other. Grayson looked down and placed the ring on your finger before pulling you in for another long hug.

You guys decided to keep the engagement quiet for a while, only telling family and friends, just wanting to enjoy this special time to yourselves for a bit before letting the whole world know. When you did finally tell his fans you two made a short little video about it and both made Instagram posts shortly after the video went up. You got married a little over a year later and it was everything you could have asked for and more. The rest is history.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~End of Back Story~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You smiled, beaming brightly at his words. “Really!?! Oh my god it’s been so long.”

“Yes really.” Grayson chuckled softly at your excitement. He knew you needed this, you both did. You barely ever saw each other now-a-days. Grayson almost never had a day off and your days were usually spent apart, not seeing each other until you both fell into bed at night, and at that point it was much too late and you were both too tired to do anything together. “I was thinking we could go out, spend the day together doing the things we don’t normally get to do.”

You smiled wider and nodded in agreement before leaning in and pressing an excited kiss to his lips. You two sat like that for a second, just holding each other, enjoying each other’s presence before you gently pushed yourself up, Grayson soon following, and stretched your arms out, squinting at the harsh daylight pouring through the big floor-to-ceiling windows surrounding your room.

The twins had bought a compound with two houses on it overlooking LA with a beautiful view of the city and the beach. The twins always knew they wouldn’t able to live apart, but when Grayson and you got married and Ethan was sure to follow with a fiancé of his own eventually, the old house was getting too crowded. When the twins created this property with their house literally only 20 feet apart connected by a glass tunnel/hallway, it was an absolute dream come true for them. It was very modern and green. The whole house contained big windows for lots of sunlight to come in. There were plants everywhere, but placed perfectly to create a beautiful aesthetic. The floors were all wood and most surfaces throughout the house were all made of stone or marble. The house generally contained an all-white or grey color scheme with pops of color here and there and everything was very open. It was everything you imagined a famous California house to look like.

You pulled yourself out of bed and wrapped your silk robe around you and went to make your way to the kitchen before Grayson stopped you, wrapping his arms around you from behind and kissing your neck gently.

“Let’s eat out today love. No working in any way, let’s just enjoy this.”

You smiled and closed your eyes softly as his lips and hot breath grazed your skin as he spoke. You turned in his arms wrapping your arms around his neck and nodded kissing his softly. “Sounds lovely. I guess I’ll just get dressed then.” You two pulled apart and made your way to your separate closets. You picked a pair of black and white checkered slacks with a light blue sweater with your black vans. After you got dressed you went to the connected master bathroom and applied a small bit of makeup and pulled your long hair into messy bun. You walked out just as Grayson finished pulling on his shoes. He was wearing black ripped jeans and a white t-shirt with black and red strips and a pair of red vans. Damn did he look hot.

You smiled as he took your hand and led you out of the bedroom, grabbing his keys as he made his way to the car. He opened the door for you like the gentleman that his is and you jokingly curtsied to him in response as you both giggled softly. Grayson climbed into the driver’s side of his custom vintage 1960s teal Bronco and backed out of the driveway, one hand on the wheel while the other held yours in his lap. Neither of you knew where you were going or even had a plan but you knew it was going to be a perfect day no matter where you were.

Grayson drove slowly through downtown LA so that you both could scan the different shops and cafes to find a place to eat. You pointed out a small breakfast/brunch place on the corner and Grayson quickly found a parking spot and pulled in. Once again Grayson rushed over to your side and opened the door for you offering his hand, which you gladly took, as you stepped out of the vehicle and made your way into the corner café. It was a cute little place and had a modernized retro look, defiantly very California.

Once you and Gray were inside you were seated and ordered rather quickly as in the car you both had mutually expressed a craving for pancakes that needed to be satisfied ASAP. You made light conversation about what you wanted to do with the rest of the day, which neither of you had any opinions for and opted to just let whatever happens happen. When your food arrived, you couldn’t help but snap a pic of Gray, I mean you were both influencers now and had to please your audience and you knew this would make the fans drool… for the pancakes of course

@HeyItsY/N: Hey there good looking ;) …. Oh and @graysondolan is here too

After you both devoured some of the best pancakes you’ve ever had, you paid and made your back to the car. You hesitated as Gray opened the door for you.

“Why don’t we just walk. See what we see.” You said shrugging lightly. Gray smiled shutting the door without question and locking the car again. He grabbed your hand and you two set off down the street not really sure what you were doing or where you were going.

The day end up leading to places you wouldn’t have imagined. You and gray found a hidden park where you eventually brought food and had a picnic type lunch. You shopped around a bit at the different vintage shops around downtown LA. You bought a lot of thrifted vintage clothes and some new vinyls for the custom player Gray built. Of course, Gray had to go to the Gucci store and Louis Vuitton where you bought clothes he defiantly didn’t need but you didn’t mind because he looked hella good. You and Gray were walking along a sidewalk that had an open view of the mountains and valleys of California. It was beautiful and even though you weren’t speaking or doing much, you couldn’t have been happier than that moment. You wish you could stay here forever.

It was only about 3 o’clock and you and Gray were just getting started, still having big plans for the day. You were making your way back to the car to travel to some other nearby destination when Gray’s phone rang. He groaned and grabbed his phone out of his pocket and pressing answer before moving it to his ear.

“Hello? … Yeah… No, I’m out with Y/N … Why, we have the day off? … Can we do this tomorrow? … Are you sure? Ok ok calm down ... we’ll head over now. See you soon.”

Grayson sighed hanging up the phone and turned around to look at you. You could tell from little bit of the conversation that you had heard that your day-off was cancled, but you knew there was nothing you could do and you could tell Grayson wasn’t happy either.

“I’m sorry love, they need me to go to the warehouse and discuss some business shit I don’t even know. I’m sorry, I know you were looking forward to having this whole day. I promise I’ll make it up to you.”

You sighed and nodded softly taking Grayson’s hand. “Gray its ok. There’s nothing we can do. Plus, we’ve already done so much more than we usually get too and that’s all I could ask for. This day has been amazing. Let’s go, they’ll be mad if you make them wait.” You said and kissed him softly before hopping into the car to head to the twin’s business warehouse.

The twins had bought a small warehouse/business building that they transformed into their work center. They used this to take care of business meetings, storage for their merch and a secondary filming location for shit they couldn’t film at the house.

When you arrived at the office Grayson headed straight to the meeting room but not before leaving you with few soft kisses to hold onto as you waited in the small lounge area for him to return.

You became restless as you moved around the lounge trying to get comfortable as Gray had been in this meeting for over an hour now. You jumped a little as you heard a door slam and Gray came from around the corner looking mad but his face melting into sadness as soon as he saw you. He sighed and grabbed your hand ignoring your questioning as he led you out to the car.

The car ride home was silent and you anxiously starred out the window as your mind swirled with the possibilities of what had gone on in that meeting. When you pulled up to the house Grayson took a few moments, deep in thought, before pressing his lips to the back of your hand and getting out of the car, you following closely behind. You could tell whatever had happened in there was bothering him and he was torn over it and it killed you to not know, to not be able to help, but you didn’t want to push him.

A couple of very quiet hours of walking on eggshells around Gray went by before he entered your bedroom and signed softly as he sat down next to you. You looked up at him from your laptop stopping whatever the hell you were doing to keep yourself from going crazy from the tension and silence. You shut your laptop and look at him waiting for him to speak.

“I’m sorry I haven’t talked to you. You’re probably really confused, I just needed to figure it out myself because I know you’re going to be upset.” Gray says softly looking down as he intertwined his fingers with yours. You shift and move close to him now even more curious. Gray sighs rubbing his eyes as he figures out how to form the words to tell you what he needed to tell you. “The team has set up a bit of a radio/venue tour for me and E. It was a last-minute thing, everything fell into place, and they couldn’t pass it up. They didn’t even talk to us about it until today… They need us to leave in 2 days for London to kick it off. They said it’d probably last about 3 to 4 months.”

You furrow your eyebrows in confusion and take a second processing his words. “Can they even do that? I mean it’s your channel you get to make these decisions. You could say no if you wanted.” You barely saw Gray as it is and you live together, hell you’re married, but this would just drive a wedge between you two since you wouldn’t be able to go with him having your own job and life to take care of here in LA. You didn’t have the freedom like he did to just up and leave for 4 months.

Gray shook his head and looked at you. “I know I know. We can…to an extent. But these guys have really helped us out and this is a really great opportunity for me and E. We’d be able to reach a bigger audience and it’d be really good for the channel-”

“Wait, you’ve been walking around all day moping your ass off for something that you WANT to happen… can’t you see that this is a horrible idea? Why can’t you just say no? Why are you letting these people control you and your lively hood?” You question pulling away from him.

“I’ve been trying to figure out how to tell you because I knew you’d react like this which quite frankly is a little selfish… This is a really good opportunity for us and it hurts that you don’t support that!” Gray said raising his voice a bit. You opened your mouth and stood up from the bed looking at him in disbelief.

“I’m being selfish?! Oh ok, I’m sorry that I don’t want to be away from my HUSBAND who I barely get to see EVEN THOUGH WE LIVE IN THE SAME HOUSE!”

“Oh my God. I’m sorry I’m working every fucking day to make sure that we can support ourselves, that we can afford this house, that you don’t have to work as many hours as a normal human being. I’m so fucking sorry for being the fucking back bone of this relationship.”

You had no idea how you guys had gotten to this point but there was no turning back now, everything was coming out and there was no stopping either of you.

“Are you fucking kidding me? You have probably the easiest job in the world! People would kill to have your life. You’re ‘work’ is doing dumb shit with your brother every day and posting it online! But I’m so sorry, I didn’t realize doing something you love was such a burden, I didn’t know I was such a fucking burden! …And just to be clear, YOU asked me to stop working all together, I decided to keep it to part-time so that everything didn’t fall on you, but apparently that means nothing to you! I’m sorry for fucking caring about you”

You exchanged a few more choice and heated words back and forth for a while. You couldn’t believe he had the nerve to call you selfish when he’s the one up and leaving for the sake of “getting more followers” when the man has 18 million fans already. Gray opened his mouth to speak again but you couldn’t stand this anymore.

“Grey I think you should go stay with Ethan. Obviously, we’re not going to get anywhere with this except just hurting each other more. I need space to think and I can’t do that with you here.” Your voice cracked a bit and at this point tears had been streaming down your cheeks for a while. Gray closed his mouth and just nodded. You were both too tired to continue with a conversation that was going nowhere. Gray stood up and left the room without say anything and made his way to E’s place, which was technically the same house just a different part, but it didn’t matter, it was far enough for you to not feel like you were suffocating anymore.

You sat down on the bed processing what had just gone down before letting a few more tears fall from your eyes as you screamed into your pillow. As clique as it sounded, it really works.

You were exhausted and didn’t even realize you had fallen asleep until you woke up the next morning from the sun rudely shining in your face once again. You instinctively reached over to Gray’s side of the bed only to be met with an empty cold spot as memories of last night’s events replayed in your head. You didn’t want to get up, knowing the house was going to feel cold and empty, like it was swallowing you whole without his presence in it, but you also knew you couldn’t stand to speak to him yet, it would only end in more fighting. The argument was stupid to begin with but it turned into something serious as you both continued to share hidden feelings that got magnified out of proportion. You didn’t know what this meant for you especially with Gray leaving, but you had no choice but to just wait and find out.

In the past 2 days, the only sight you saw of Gray was him quickly coming into the house to gather some of his things to pack in his bags. You still hadn’t spoken. You were both stubborn as hell and it defiantly didn’t help the situation. So that night you laid down yet again in the cold, deprived of his warmth and presence.

When you woke up the next morning, you weren’t really sure what had come over you but you just knew you needed to see him. You practically ran over to Ethan’s side of the house and didn’t even knock as you burst through the door. Your heart raced and you gently called Gray’s name but was met with silence. The house was empty. E’s bags were gone and so were Gray’s. He was just gone, without even saying goodbye. Tears slowly rolled down your cheeks and you stood there in silence. You were sad and angry but you weren’t sure what feeling was more dominate. You couldn’t believe he’d leave like that and you were heartbroken you had missed him.

The next couple of days were a whirlwind of emotions. You had tried to call Gray a few times only to be met with his voicemail. You always made some excuse as to why he wasn’t picking up but you knew he was most likely just ignoring you. Why was he so damn stubborn? You listened to the radio shows they were on and you could swear he heard the pain in his voice, but he was so good at laughing it off that it was invisible to everyone else, but you heard it.

It had been over three weeks since you and Gray had last spoke, which was the night of the fight. You had managed to get a hold of Ethan who sounded so desperate to help you guys but then he’d say things like “oh we have bad reception here” or “Gray’s busy” and you knew he was just trying to be a good brother and saying what Gray told him to say.

You were driving home from work listening to the boy’s latest broadcast. You scoffed a little as the interviewer brought up their relationships and questioned how all was going, what the future held for their family, etc. Grayson covered it up with “Oh it’s really great. We’re really good. Happy.” It was a lie. The audience had no idea. The listeners would have no idea. No one had any idea what your reality was. Everyone saw these celebrities and their families as perfect people, absolute couple goals if you will, they saw the love and beauty, they saw the pictures you meticulously chose to post, they saw what you wanted them to see. They didn’t see the pain, or the long nights, the fights, or the going to bed without your husband by your side, they didn’t see the struggles.

You were deep in your thoughts that the next few moments were all a blur. It was about 7 o’clock, already dark out and you drove carefully, LA was a mad house at this hour, especially since it was Friday night. You proceed forward when your light turns green yet within moments your car is jolted to the side. The loud horn blared in the background, it sounded so distant, so faint. It took a moment for you to realize you were on your side. Your head pounded and your vision was blurry. You could faintly make out people yelling trying to talk to you and your mind screamed to just say something to them but your body failed. The red and blue flashing lights streaming through your shattered windshield was the last thing you remembered before everything faded into black, a piercing ringing in your ears before complete silence.

When you woke up, it wasn’t to the usual rude sunlight you were used to pouring through your window. No, rather, the room was very dark, an annoying beeping filled your ears, and you felt a heaviness weighing down your arm. It took a few seconds for you to actually collect yourself. Your throat felt like the fucking desert, your right arm was in a cast and sling, and your body felt like it had been hit with a ton of bricks. You shifted and looked over to see Gray holding your hand, his head rested on your arm as he slept. You moved your hand softly and nudged him.

“Gray… Gray… Grayson fucking Dolan wake up.” You managed to croak out before Gray finally shot up, his expression a bit disoriented before lighting up at the sight of you awake. He didn’t even hesitate as he pulled you into a hug, gripping you softly, scared he’d hurt your damaged body even further.

“Oh my god…Y/N… I’m so sorry... I’m so so sorry. Baby I thought-” Gray started to ramble before you cut him off, gently shushing him.

“Just shut up please.… Don’t think about anything. Just tell me you love me and hold me tighter.” You whispered softly as you held back tears. You vaguely remembered what happened but in this moment, you chose not to.

“I love you, I do… I love you so fucking much and I could never say it enough.” Gray whispered back, fighting his own tears. You and Grayson just held each other for a while before a nurse finally came in.

“Oh, you’re awake. Thank God. We were getting a bit worried.” She said and she walked over to your bed and poured you a glass of water. Gray sat back in his seat but kept holding your hand in one of his while he held the cup up for you with the other so you could drink from the straw. The nurse asked some basic questions and checked your vitals before looking at you seriously. “Do you remember anything that happened?”

You sighed laying your head back and closed your eyes. Everything was a blur. “I was in an accident, that’s obvious. I remember sitting at the light listening to Gray on the radio. I remember driving forward when I got the green light. I remember the horn, it was loud but everything seemed to happen in slow motion so to me it sounded far away and distorted and then a jerk. I remember it was blurry but I could see my windshield shattered, I-I could see blood on my hands and I could feel it dripping down my face. I remember the sirens and the police lights and then nothing and now I’m here.” You concluded taking a deep breath and opening your eyes. Gray wiped a stray tear from his cheek and sniffled softly trying to cover up his crying. The nurse nodded and took some notes.

“That’s good you remember. Yes, you were in an accident. It was a drunk driver. He ran the red and t-boned you. Your car flipped three times. You broke your right arm and three ribs. You twisted your leg bad but it’s not broken or anything. You hit your head bad and have a few stitches and a severe concussion and you’ve been unconscious for the past three days.” The nurse said gently trying to fill you in without scaring you. You nodded softly and thanked her before she left.

You turned to Grayson and squeezed his hand. “Hey. It’s ok. I’m ok. Please don’t cry.” Grayson chuckled and shook his head wiping his eyes again. “Damn I thought I covered it up… You know me too well.”

The next couple of days were spent trying to get your strength back. It was a bit more than a week before you were able to go home. The doctors just wanted to make sure you had no neuro damage because you were out for so long. You had a brace on your leg to help but you could walk… kind of… that is when Grayson actually let you. At home Grayson waited on you hand and foot and made sure you were ALWAYS comfortable.

It had been about a week and you convinced Gray to let you have some bit of freedom. Grayson finally stopped sleeping on the couch as you convinced him he wasn’t going to crush you or hurt you.

You stirred in your sleep and reached over to pull Grayson’s warm body closer to your freezing one, but you were met with his empty cold pillow. You furrowed your eyebrows as you opened your eyes. You checked your phone for the time, 2:35am. Shit.

You groaned softly as you pushed yourself up, your whole body still aching and screaming at you to lie down again but you needed to go find your husband. You threw on your robe and slowly made your way out of the bedroom and to the kitchen/living room area. The house was dark except for a single lamp dimly lighting the sofa area. You watched as Grayson sat on the couch wearing only his plaid pajama pants, starting at the black TV in from of him. When you made your way to him you gently placed your hand on his shoulder, careful not to scare him. He looked up at you, his eyes bloodshot and you could tell, even in the poor lightly, that he’d been crying.

“Gray? Love? What are you doing up?” You questioned as you sat beside him wrapping your arm around his shoulder. He opened his mouth to respond but simply shook his head as he buried his face in the palm of his hands, soft cries escaping his lips. You pulled him close and just held him letting him calm down.

“Gray baby what’s wrong?” You questioned gently as his cries subsided. He lifted his head to look at you and pulled you close to him.

“I’m so sorry… I’m so fucking sorry...”

“For what? You have nothing to be sorry for”

“Yes, I do…I fucked up… I made you believe you were worthless to me, that you were selfish and then I just left… I’m a terrible husband... I mean who the fuck leaves his wife in the middle of an argument like that and goes half way across the whole damn world refusing to even talk to her on the phone. I’m so fucked.” Gray speaks, voice cracking softly ever so often. This is the first either of you had spoken about the fight. In light of everything that happened you had thought you would just move on, but it was clear it was still a crushing reality.

“And I… I could have lost you Y/N…You could have died and the last thing I would have said to you would have been something so crushing, telling you you’re a burden, making you believe I hated you…I wouldn’t have been able to live with myself…” Gray whispers looking down at the ground ashamed. You sighed wiping away tears from your cheeks before cupping his cheeks in your hands and making him look at you.

“I didn’t die. I right here. I’m ok. We were lucky. If anything we should be looking at this as a second chance. We’re not finished. Our story isn’t over. I still have so much love to give you. I’m not finished with you Grayson Dolan. There’s so many adventures we still need to on, I still haven’t given you a baby yet, or taught you how to actually cook a damn meal. Yeah, you may be an ass sometimes, but you’re mine, so don’t you think for a minute I would die on you without kissing you one last time, or reminding you that your fans love me more than you...” You giggled sniffling softly at the joke. When you and Gray went public with your relationship the fans were so supportive and loving that Gray was constantly saying that they loved you more than him, so it became a running joke between everyone. It may be the Dolan Twin’s channel, but you were the star.

Grayson shook his head chuckling and kissed you softly. “I love you so much Y/N Dolan. You are the most caring selfless person I know and I have no idea how you can love me, but I thank God every day that you do.” Grayson smiled before kissing you passionately. You both cuddled on the couch for a while, neither of you tired anymore, just feeling content in each other’s presences.

The next day Grayson sat down with Ethan and their team and made sure the rest of the tour was canceled. Grayson and Ethan agreed they wanted more control over their work and had their managers and marketing team back off and those who didn’t were fired. After business was done, Gray and E sat down in front of the camera and made a video to the fans. They explained what had happened over the last few weeks and really opened up about their lives. They let the fans know that they would be taking a short break to focus on their family and when they came back they would start making content that they actually loved, and it would be on their own time and not just for the sake of feeling obligated to post. As the video came to a close Grayson talked to the camera about how important this was to them and how they hoped the fans could support this because this is how it should have been a long time ago.

“So that’s that. It’s been rough, but we’re figuring it out. If these past couple of weeks have taught me anything it’s that life’s too short to be worried about this kind of stuff or to be mad at people. You need to focus on the now, on this moment. Hug the people close to you and tell them you love them, because you never know when they’ll be gone. I’m lucky to be given a second chance to love unconditionally and uncontrollably. I wish I would have realized that sooner but I’m so grateful I have now. Life’s too short not to love. And please know we love you guys and we’re so grateful for all the continued support through everything. You guys are unreal. Thank you for everything… Until next time. Peace.”

#grayson dolan imagine #grayson dolan writer #grayson dolan fanfic #grayson dolan #the dolan twins #im new to this #imagines #fanfiction #fanfic

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ernestsinclairs · 6 years ago

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Silk and Laurels - Antony x MC

I had this fic written since a few months ago. But when I heard Caesar would finally be coming into the story, I decided this was the right time to post it!

MC: Rheticia

Lena was known to all as a composed woman. Barely anything could shake her foundation. Which made it all the more alarming when the shouts started.

“Out of the way,” the matron snapped at a younger girl who’d rushed out of her quarters to see what was going on. “Let the courtesans pass.”

Rheticia locked eyes with another pair across the hallway. Those eyes narrowed, then jerked away decisively.

Xanthe slid out of her chambers, purple silk rustling in a swishing sound that echoed in the narrow space.

“Lena, what is going on,” she cooed, trying to milk information out of her sweetly. Her lips curled up in the slightest show of triumph as Lena began to answer.

“Where is Rheticia?”

Her face fell.

“I am here. Lena, please, what is the matter?”

“Marc Antony is the matter,” Lena retorted, grabbing the young courtesan’s shoulders. She leaned in close, her voice dropping to a barely audible whisper.

“He has the mind to call you to a banquet. A banquet where a man with laurels sits at the head.”

Rheticia recoiled. Xanthe must have caught the expression on her face. Out of the corner of her eye, she could see the other courtesan inching closer, hoping for a peek of the conversation.

“Caesar.”

Lena nodded gravely, still not letting go of her shoulders. The place where her fingers gripped into Rheticia’s flesh began to burn.

“And he has asked for you specifically. If we do not send you, the scholae is in peril. We will have shown our political hand, and we cannot do that.”

Lena pursed her lips and paused as if she wanted to say something else, but doubled down and continued on her line of thought.

“I wouldn’t send you. Not to Antony. He has little regard for my rules. But we have great regard for our standing. We cannot seem to be hostile.”

Quickly taking her arm, Lena tugged her to the dressing chambers, where other courtesans were already in a flurry, adorning themselves for the big night. There was still naive excitement on the faces of the younger girls and the lesser courtesans. Silk sashes were everywhere, a loose pearl here and there. The cosmetics jar was already beginning running empty.

“Control yourselves!” Lena snapped. “I will not have any of my girls going in, looking like prostitutes from the slums. Pick that up. Fix your hair, Cornelia, for gods sake. Euplia, that sash clashes horribly with your eyes. Choose another.”

Striding to a locked chest at the far end of the room, Lena wrenched it open, Rheticia trailing behind her. Inside, a flash of gold gleamed in the low light of the oil lamps, and a few of the younger courtesans gave audible gasps.

“This.”

Lena pressed a bundle of gold fabric into Rheticia’s arms, piling on jewelry of the same hue. A long strand of tiny rubies flew through the air, and Rheticia ducked to keep them from meeting the hard floor.

“You will wear that tonight. I cannot spare expense.”

Rheticia blinked in shock, then composed herself. Wasn’t this always what she wanted? Two men - and one she wanted for revenge all these years would finally be within her grasp. Should she not be joyful? She lifted the hem of the sparkling golden dress to catch the light, heeding no attention to the gazes of the other women. Closing her eyes, she pressed her lips against it, uttering a silent prayer to her mother’s gods.

Make me a proud daughter tonight. Let this gold be stained with red.

“What did Lena say to you?”

A sharp voice broke Rheticia out of her stupor, where she’d been watching the earlier part of the party behind the curtains, plucking her cithara absent-mindedly.

“It’s not my time to go yet. I haven’t done wrong, Xanthe.”

“I know that,” the young woman replied irritably. “I’m asking what Lena told you.”

She turned her gaze back to the party, her eyes zeroing in on a senator plying himself with food and drink by a large amphora. It seemed that she’d chosen her patron for the night.

“Antony has asked for me.”

Xanthe’s eyes immediately snapped back to the other woman. Her lips curled back in a sneer.

“That’s impossible. It’s Marc Antony. He’s shown nothing but disdain. And it’s been less than a month since you made your debut. What makes you a frontrunner?”

Rheticia shrugged, her eyes still watching the party. Antony was present, his eyes watching some of the courtesans, but she knew it was all a ploy. More often than not, his gaze turned to the other senators, turning hawkish when he caught sight of the a faction of senators outspoken against his cause. He hadn’t come to enjoy the banquet. He had come to hunt.

A little ways beside him, a man draped in crimson lounged with the same readiness that befell Antony. He was taller, his face more composed then the hot fire of his lieutenant, but his eyes still glittered with a cold, calculating thought. A crown of laurels, the thin leaves pounded from gold, glittered on his head, speaking of military triumphs and blood on his hands. Rheticia’s hand on her cithara tightened.

Caesar.

A new figure flitted onto the scene - Lena, wearing the same smile she’d had on at Rheticia’s debut.

“Gentlemen,” she cooed, her persona slipping onto her like a mask of marble. She took a quick bow towards Antony. “May I present to you, the finest flower in our scholae, the Princess of Gaul.”

She gestured grandly towards the edge of the room. On cue, Rheticia stepped out with a flourish, tilting her hips just the right amount to let the gold silk flutter around her body, head at just the right angle for the rubies threaded in her dark hair to catch in the light and show their face. The smile, so carefully practiced in the mirror during her training years, made its entrance onto her face. She caught sight of her reflection in a polished marble column as she made her way to the raised dais. Heavenly. Divine. They would fall for her.

Marc Antony had already let his walls fall - just for a moment. She caught it, swooping down next to him, and dipping her head in greeting. When she looked up, his gaze was already transfixed on her.”

“Marcus Antonius,” Rheticia mused, tilting her head. “At long last.”

She moved past him towards the new figure, easing herself into a position that let her drape across the dais steps, but still posed in the formation of a subtle bow.

“Gaius Julius Caesar. The one and only.”

Those cold, steel eyes softened, turning from metal to stone. Rheticia would take that. Just another hour or so and a few cups of wine, and she would be inside their walls.

“I have not seen such princesses in Gaul,” Caesar said, eyes still on her. “And I should know. I have touched every mile of that land.”

“Alas, you have not touched me. For all the riches of Gaul, I seemed to have slipped between your fingers.”

Rheticia looked up, a smile tugging at the corner of her mouth.

“Until now.”

Caesar held her gaze for a long while, then threw his head back.

“Antony, your intuition is to be trusted. This one is quite . . . interesting.”

Rheticia gritted her teeth to hide her joy. Just a little closer, she thought. Just a little closer, and he would be in her trap.

She settled down in her place on the steps a few minutes later, after the two men had bickered and argued over her for a bit. Accepting a cup of wine, she scanned the crowd, careful to put an uninterested look on her face. Towards one wall, a faction of opposition senators milled about, keeping sharp tabs on everyone present. A flash of raven black hair showed itself, and Rheticia fought down a reaction. No, not here. Cassius wasn’t her patron here.

“Enjoy the night,” Rheticia murmured, reaching up and taking the hem of a scarlet cloak. “I see your work is ahead.”

Caesar’s eyes sharpened, taking the time in between conversations with another senator to reply.

“A courtesan of all people sees the wisdom here?”

“Not the wisdom. Only what is right before us. The eagle sees what the sheep do not.”

She let the end of the sentence trail behind her, Caesar catching onto it like a miser reaching for the last piece of his gold.

“And what else does the eagle see?”

Rheticia tossed her head, looking into his eyes confidently. This was exactly where she’d planned for him to be. Just a few more lines, and she could shut her trap, like a child caging a wild bird.

“The only speaker of truth in this room.”

Caesar stared into her for a good while, those eyes hardening again to metal. Rheticia didn’t dare back down. This was a man of fortitude, surely he was bored by easy victories. He and Antony truly were the same - no wonder they got along so famously.

“You dare to speak so in a room full of kings?”

“I dare to speak only as the gods let me,” Rheticia breathed, carefully not to overplay her hand. Shifting, she purposely let the bow of her golden dress fall just a little, the silk molding to the smooth skin. It worked. His eyes flickered just for a moment.

Caesar eased back, eyes still trained on her, studying, dissecting. With a chill, Rheticia could see how he had won his laurels. No matter how sharp a spear or sturdy a shield, his eyes saw it all. No wonder Gaul had fallen to him.

“Stay with me.”

Rheticia smiled, careful to not let her relief show.

“How could I think of doing anything else?”

After the party, within the walls of the scholae, there was a strange expression on Lena’s face. In the eight years she’d been there, Rheticia had never seen it before. An odd mixture of fear and pride, worry and triumph, it reverberated through the room. No one dared to speak, and the younger courtesans filed out of the room to their own chambers, vowing to speak of it later.

“Lena, what is it?” Rheticia asked cautiously. “If anything is amiss . . . I swear, I upheld the scholae and my job.”

“I know you did, child,” Lena replied. “Though, you might have done it a little too well.”

She thrust a card of bound parchment towards her, the wax seal already broken.

“I haven’t seen this seal before,” Rheticia mused, tracing a finger over the fractured wax design. “Who is it from?”

“Read and perhaps you’ll see.”

There was a minute of silence in the empty scholae atrium before the two women began to speak again. Shock spread across the younger woman’s face, grave resignation on the face of the other.

“He has called for me-”

“Caesar. Yes, he has called for you tonight.”

The shining silver knife, and the little vial of poison, hidden under her silks beckoned to her. Perhaps this was the night her vengeance would take place. Perhaps it was not. May the gods be merciful, Rheticia prayed. Let a woman have her glory.

@your-sylphofhope @give-me-ernest-sinclaire @thereignofqueens @wughhumans @frugalchoicer @regina-and-happiness @indiacater @zigbadboy @maxwellscorgi @its-night-again @schizhoephrenic @l-artimitelavie @youplayedmeout @timmagicktoad @claudevonstruke @valenciajeff @softchild03 @danyfreshhh-blog

#acor #a courtesan of rome #cassius #cassius x mc #marc antony #marc antony fanfiction #marc antony x reader #marc antony x mc #caesar #julius caesar

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travllingbunny · 6 years ago

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Thanks for the tag, @weareagentsofnothing

Rules: Answer 30 questions. Tag 10 blogs you want to get to know better whoever you want, if you want

Nickname(s): I don’t really have any nicknames, at least not once that stuck. Most people call me by my first name, Ivana. Back in high school, people used to call me “Cveta” because that’s shortened from my last name - because that’s what we used to do in high school, especially when there were multiple people with the same first name in the class, and even when there weren’t. Fortunately, no one has ever called me that since.

Gender: female

Sign: Taurus

Height: 163 cm (for those who don’t know the metric system, hat’s a little above 5′4″).

Time: CET

Fave band(s): where do I begin? Depeche Mode, Joy Division, The Smiths, Florence + the Machine, Massive Attack, Portishead,

Fave solo artist(s): the late and great Leonard Cohen. I also like many jazz singers such as Billie Holiday, Sarah Vaughan, Diana Krall...

Song stuck in my head: For the last few days, I had a really annoying popular song stuck in my head - I don’t know what it is, one of those they just can’t stop playing everywhere. But for some reason, it seems to have disappeared, and right now I have “Ship to Wreck” by Florence and the Machine in my head. I don’t know how it happened - I don’t think I’ve heard it in the last few days, and it’s not even one of my favorites by Florence, but it’s certainly very welcome.

Last movie I saw: Deadpool 2

Last show I watched: Sharp Objects, the first episode

When did I create my blog: I don’t remember, but I think it was 9 or 10 years ago, because I got a notification about an anniversary recently. It was definitely while Lost was still on, and not along after after the season 4 finale, when I started using “Time Travelling Bunny” (because it was a line from the finale and a nick that I found funny) for some of my accounts (my YouTube/Google account still has my BSG nick, FrakkinToasterLuvva, which I created earlier, during/after season 3 of BSG - yes, it also comes from a line of dialogue). But I wasn’t as active for the first few years as I’m now.

What do I post: looking through my tags makes it clear (not that I didn’t know that before) that most of my posts are about: A Song of Ice and Fire; rants against Game of Thrones and its showrunners, the way they choose to not adapt the series, and everything they stand for; then behind that, there’s a lot of AoS and Buffy related stuff (I’ve been mostly posting a lot of AoS-related stuff lately), then there’s Jessica Jones, MCU movies and other MCU shows, The Hunger Games book series, history-related stuff (especially Wars of the Roses), general topics... There are a ton of my favorite shows, however, that I haven’t written about - I hope to make some top lists about The Americans and BoJack Horseman soon. I also have, in my anti tags, aside from GoT, The Walking Dead (which I used to really like), Big Bang Theory (which I never liked) and the YouTube channel Cinema Sins (which is just annoying).

Last thing I googled: France-Croatia. I was walking my dogs when the match had already started, and wanted to see the resul.

Do I have any other blogs: Not on Tumblr. I used to have an active blog on Livejournal, when it was still a thing (too bad what happened to it - the format was more suitable for discussions than Tumblr), and Dreamweaver (just to post stuff on Livejournal when it used to malfunction). I had many Buffy episode reviews there. Actually, they’re still there and the blog exists - it’s just that, well you know, no one uses LJ anymore.

Do I get asks: I’ve gotten a few

Why did I choose my url: See above, under when I chose my url (Time Travelling Bunny turned out to be too long).

Following: 409+

Followed by: 233+ I think I’ve blocked all the porn accounts, so they aren’t among those.

Average hours of sleep: I don’t know, I never fall asleep immediately, and my sleeping habits are incredibly uneven (it comes with the job - I’m a translator who works at home and has no working hours, but has deadlines)

Lucky number: I don’t think I have one.

Instruments: piano/keyboards

What I am wearing: err. this is going to sound weird, but I’m washing my hair (I’m about to wash out the hair mask), so, not much, because I don’t want my clothes to get wet.

Dream job: This one is pretty good, but dream job.. probably a writer?

Dream trip: I dunno, maybe Rome or Paris or New York? Or even LA?

Fave food: breaded cheese, falafel, grilled cheese, pizza, etc. Something salty, tasty, not spicy, and without any meat, since I’m a vegetarian.

Nationality: Serbian, but I prefer to think of myself as a citizen of the world.

Fave song: I can’t even pick one band, you expect me to pick one song?! No idea, there are too many of them.

Last book I read: The Wizard of Earthsea by Ursula LeGuin. It took me a while, because I just couldn’t get into it.

Top 3 fictional universes I wanna join: Most of the fictional universes I enjoy watching/reading about are horrible worlds where I would never want to live in. Star Trek and MCU are the only ones that are OK. In Trek, I guess the 24th century Earth would be the obvious choice, since it’s supposed to be a ‘paradise’, but I would probably be bored out of my mind, and prefer to go and work on the post-war Deep Space Nine, with working trips to Bajor and post-Dominion Cardassia. MCU would be nice if I get a cool superpower. As for the rest... I guess Buffyverse is OK, as long as you don’t live in Sunnydale or Cleveland or any other place that’s on a Hellmouth. Alternatively, if I had to live in the world of ASOAIF, I could only endure Braavos or Dorne (book Dorne! Not show Dorne - yuk!) Tagging... @jaehaerys1 @misskittyspuffy @miraculousagentsofkrypton @kateofthecanals @ladyofthefrostfangs @eyesofmist @maddalenamackelena @maidenoftheforestlight @annedey @irritatinglyboring and anyone else who wants to do it.

#fandom asks

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scriptmedic · 7 years ago

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Scars, Surgery, and Sensation: @pomrania’s Story

Hey all! Today’s post is a guest post by the lovely @pomrania, who was kind enough to submit a story about their experiences with scars and scar reduction. It’s a good read, and I hope you like it!

Thanks so much to Pomrania for sending it in, and if you’d like to share your own stories of medical mishap and mayhem, [submit a guest post].

Take it away, Pomrania!

xoxo, Aunt Scripty

[disclaimer]

Let’s just say that I made a lot of bad decisions as a teenager. None of them left me with a chemical dependency or a criminal record, but I did end up with a large scar on my upper arm. Due to the circumstances surrounding it, I didn’t get it looked at or cared for by anyone but my non-medical self. It didn’t heal quite properly. It was reddish, and wide, and raised. (Years later I found that the term was “hypertrophic”.) Unless I was wearing a sweater, or multiple layers, I could feel that scar through my sleeve, when I touched my arm. What I couldn’t feel, was any touch on the scar. I’d thought there was maybe nerve damage there. Fast forward a couple years. I can’t remember really what train of thought led me to decide that I wanted that scar dealt with, but I went to my family doctor and asked her about scar reduction (I’d learned earlier that it wasn’t “removal”) surgery. That was when I found out it’s called scar reconstruction; maybe it’s a newer term, maybe just more accurate, I don’t know. Anyways, it ended with her referring me to a doctor in the nearby city, half an hour’s drive away. Four months later, I actually got my appointment booked with that specialist. (No idea why it took so long. This wasn’t about waiting for when the doctor was available, just for finding out when it would be.) Two or three months after that came the actual appointment. Things I learned, in no particular order:

the 90-9-1 rule: surgery makes the scar look better / less noticeable in 90% of the cases, look the same in 9%, and look worse in 1%

scar reconstruction is only covered by OHIP (Ontario health insurance) if it negatively affects movement/function, or is on the face

at least over here, surgery on the hand is done by the same people who do scar reconstruction, as those both involve really fine detail work

the majority of that doctor’s patients were either older people having carpal tunnel surgery, or younger people with scars from bad decisions

after tax, the total cost was around a thousand dollars; this included the doctor’s time and work, supplies I presume, and also the use of an operating room at one of the nearby hospitals

I told the doctor that I wanted to think about it for a bit, but I had already made my decision back when I first made an appointment with my family doctor to discuss the idea. I had been given a sheet to fill out by the nurse, when I was waiting for the specialist to come see me. One of the fields on there asked about any reactions to general or local anaesthetics. I made very sure to be clear about something I have. For me, along with my mother, local anaesthetic takes a while to kick in (which is incredibly unfortunate when it’s your first day of kindergarten and you need three stitches in the back of your head and you can feel the needle going in each time and you’re screaming because it hurts but they think you’re just being bad, but I digress). Once the surgery itself was booked and I knew the location, I planned how I would get there. Parking spaces by the hospital were, as expected, hard to get and also expensive. What I did instead was to leave the car at a parking lot elsewhere in the city, then take a bus to the hospital and back. I tested it the day before, as I wasn’t sure how well I would be thinking the day of, what with nerves and all. (I had, of course, checked that I would be able to drive after the surgery.) There were three people in the room for the surgery; myself, the doctor, and a nurse. I don’t know whether it was because of what I’d said, or if it was their general practice, but they checked that the area was thoroughly numbed before starting anything. I had hoped to be able to watch. That did not end up happening. I had to have my head turned to the other side, to avoid breathing on anything and contaminating it. Throughout the procedure I was lying on my back, with the relevant arm outstretched. I think my arm was placed between two rolled-up towels, to keep it still. It’s a weird sensation, to have people talking about and operating on your flesh, and hearing sounds of slicing, knowing that it’s happening, and to feel absolutely nothing. (I’d been sufficiently numbed before in other instances, but only for dental surgery; and not only was there pressure and immediate noise with that, but that is, by definition, literally in your face.) I had so many questions I wanted to ask – what are you doing now, what was that sound, what does it look like, what did that term mean that you just said – and they answered some of them, but they were busy. I honestly do not remember what I was wearing for this. From the waist down, I’m almost certain it was the same clothing I’d arrived in; but aside from that, I don’t know if it was a t-shirt with the sleeve pushed up, or a hospital gown over my bra. I’m guessing it was the latter, because I remember being in a small room off to the side, and that would make most sense if it was for me to get changed in. I have a mental image of the room being dimly lit, with bright lights off to the side. I don’t know if that’s what it was like during the surgery; it was years ago, and my memory is a bit odd at the best of times. When they went to cauterize something, this is what I remember: the sound of tearing a packet open, a noise unlike what I’d been hearing, and a faint smell. I remember being surprised that that was it. I had expected it to hurt, for some stupid reason, but of course, if it had, and I had felt anything, that would have meant that somebody had really screwed up along the way. After the surgery was done, I think I was told to not do anything strenuous with that arm. Me being me, I ended up not using that arm at all on the way home. (I’d done the same whenever I’d donated blood.) The stitches were a kind that dissolved, so I wouldn’t have to come in again to get them removed. That night, after the freezing wore off, it itched, horribly. As in, literally the worst itch that decade, maybe longer. I remember making up songs about how bad it itched, and singing them in a slightly maniacal tone. I went to bed with a legging pulled up over that arm. It kept me from scratching, and the pressure made it feel slightly better. I saw my family doctor a few days later. Not sure if it was earlier booked, to check on how it was healing, or if it was just an appointment I made because of that itch. But anyways, turns out I had a reaction to the surgical tape. Maybe I hadn’t been scrubbing at it as much as I should have, or maybe my skin just hates me. Going off of the long list of things I get contact rashes from, I’m assuming the latter. A couple months later, I went to see the specialist again for a follow-up. It took a lot less time than I had expected, which I only remember because I paid for an hour of parking but I was there for maybe ten minutes. He took a look at my arm, and said that there was nothing unusual going on there, no keloid formation, and it had healed nicely. Then I went to the nearby park and played on the swings and pet some dogs for 45 minutes; I’d already paid for the parking, and I was in no rush. As for how the scar is now: my “nerve damage” idea was wrong, as I can feel all the area around it. (The old scar had just blocked off any sensitive areas from any stimulus, I assume.) It’s slightly paler than the rest of my (pale) skin, but not raised, and aside from its length, it looks like all my other (smaller) scars. I don’t know how noticeable it is to someone who isn’t looking for it, but I can’t feel the scar through my sleeve, so that’s enough for me. I don’t have pictures available, for how it looked “before” and “after”. I mean, somewhere I have a school photo taken in a sleeveless shirt, but we’ve moved since, and it would take a lot of time to find it.

If there’s anything more that you’d want to know, I can try and answer it; just be aware that “I don’t remember” is a very possible response.

#scars #scar reconstruction #submissions #patient stories #submission

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cosmosogler · 7 years ago

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hello. yesterday sucked.

i don’t even remember yesterday that well. i ended up hanging out with keegan and harrison for like an hour and a half, between 5:30 and 7, right before we proctored... we were swapping goofy youtube videos. at the end of my video my youtube recommendations popped up and i was like “NOOOOOOOOOOO” and tried to cover up my screen while having a panic attack, because i’m really cool.

i listen to video game soundtracks. i do not really want them knowing which video games i like. even though portal 2 is objectively the best game ever i just feel like... it’s hard to share fan made content with other people.

like when i mentioned i read fan fiction everyone got all weird about it like i was reading hardcore porn or something. i don’t like that feeling. that like... misunderstanding of what my interest is. then i end up rambling for two hours to explain my love for this piece of media and i bore the other person and then we’re back at square one.

but if i join, like, a fandom, i’ll be expected to only talk about that one thing. but i like lots of things!!! i dunno. let me listen to the blue sky “podcast” in peace.

i’ve never talked about that book with ANYONE, except to mention that it’s really good. and it is a novel. it takes that long to read.

anyway proctoring was boring so i spent some time counting all the left-handed students in the lecture hall, and then i played pokemon go, and then i wandered around staring intimidatingly at people. i am not intimidating at all, i wear a bow in my hair. but they looked at me like i was either gonna rip their heads off, or stark naked, and i’m not sure which.

also the stapler was loud as a gunshot and i flinched every time i had to staple someone’s exam together, which was 115 times.

i talked to the professor i was teamed up with though and we just talked about, like, moving to a new place and getting established i guess? i don’t know about you guys but i unironically like talking about the weather. leave me alone.

i actually can’t tell if i want to be alone or not. i feel sick like i want to be alone. but i also desperately want to talk about this stuff i like. i talked to keegan about competitive pokemon for 20 minutes and let him see my collection. well, “see,” because he is basically blind and didn’t even realize my ds had a top screen. he asked how many of my 270 pokemon are hacked and i said like 8. and that’s... true. in the ballpark of ten, i think.

he stopped playing after diamond and pearl so i had to explain hidden abilities and triple battles. i miss triple battles.

oh right, yesterday i had group therapy. i got some advice. i think i will try to implement it soon. basically the idea is to carry a notebook or a phone memo with you and to periodically question yourself and write down everything you are feeling. it might help me narrow down my emotions to more than “angry” or “confused.” and she said it helps you get to know yourself better too.

hey today i woke up on time again. i think snoopy had been laying on my feet because they were extremely warm when i woke up. i didn’t get enough sleep at all. i finished getting ready early so of course that means i got distracted and left for class a little late.

but i biked turbo fast i guess because i got to class right on time and started teaching right away. i think it went ok. i was completely exhausted about 3/4 of the way through my second lab though so the last half hour was a real struggle to help everyone finish. i don’t know why my last section has so much trouble finishing on time. it cuts into my lunch break before my meetings with danielle at the drc. or whatever other appointment i have to attend to that day. last week i didn’t even get a lunch break, i had to eat at the seminar thing, i mentioned.

but it’s my middle section, which i feel i teach the best, that’s been getting consistently the lowest grades out of my sections. so i dunno. i use the same rubric for all three.

so i forced down some lunch and graded for 45 minutes (skipped coffee cookie time on accident, i didn’t really feel like dealing with sam today anyway, maybe next week). and then i went to the drc. we arranged for my course to get dropped and i contacted financial aid about the change to my minimum full time credit hours. i haven’t heard back from them yet, but the minute i do i’m going to set up an appointment with my graduate advisor to get that settled. in the meantime danielle told me not to waste my time going to class and to worry about the long term stuff.

maybe since everyone is here all year round i can cajole one of the professors into leading an “independent study” where i can try to keep up with my e&m credit.

we finished that up in about 25 minutes so danielle spent a while asking about my emotions. i think they were good questions because for once i had answers i could put into words, sort of. she pointed out that i laugh when i mention something painful to me. i said i get that a lot. it’s... easier than acknowledging that it hurts. ESPECIALLY in front of other people. crying is awkward and makes people uncomfortable.

we went a little bit into, like, the reasoning behind my trust issues and how it affects me now. it really was painful giving a list of the people that have majorly wronged me. and now how i don’t tell people when i’m sad or angry with them because that might make them angry and why should i be angry if i don’t want to be around angry people. and i know that when people are angry with you it’s scary and i don’t want to spook the people i care about. and like, i don’t like people being angry around me, because even if they’re not angry at me specifically they will take it out on me. it’s not safe.

“wronged” as in, like, how jim ghosted on me. or the year craig spent telling me i was “too much” or taking my words out of context and making me look like a real monster to my friends.

she asked why i haven’t told sam directly to cut out the “cute” thing yet since it’s really rustling my jimmies. she said it was really disrespectful and i dunno it felt nice to hear someone else agreeing with me. well, it’s more like, she asked why i haven’t told sam how her words make me feel. i said it’s because it ain’t her business. danielle said that was fair enough.

telling people how their words make you feel is kind of, making yourself vulnerable to a person who literally just hurt you. hey, glad you’ve found my buttons! let me just make myself more vulnerable there for you. is that an easier target now? glad to help. let me know if there’s anything else i can do to make it easier for you to hurt my feelings.

i also mentioned the guy in the discord several weeks ago who went off on me for complaining about past romantic partners, because how *dare* i feel sad for being assaulted, because *he* can’t even get one date! i should be GRATEFUL for the attention!

involving a lot more curse words and insults to my mental faculties and character, of course.

man, i kinda hate having to add that tw tag to my posts because i mentioned something that happened to me. it does affect me though. and it’s better to warn people what they’re getting into. even if i just mention it once.

i felt a little bummed, but also, a little more on both feet mentally/emotionally after i left. i filled out my medical drop form and sent it to danielle to review. then i dicked around on the internet for like an hour while harrison came and sat in the office and dicked around on his phone. we didn’t really talk but we did throw candy at each other for a few minutes.

it’s so hard to show people the stuff i love. i mention it sometimes and if they don’t, like, immediately show interest i drop it forever. oz has been kind about the stuff i recommend. i’m trying to figure out which movie i want to watch with him over my thanksgiving break. i know it’s just an hour and a half or two hours, but it still feels like a huge energy investment.

one time i linked him a music video and he said it was “beautiful” and i was like, “I KNOW RIGHT???”

i’ve remembered that moment for a long time. that was many years ago.

i graded until after 8 and finished one more section. two more to go before i am officially in the clear. then i will only be 2 weeks behind! for those 3 sections each!!! i also uploaded the grades to keep my supervisor posted on my progress a little better, and adjusted some formatting preferences on the excel file to make it easier for me to find stuff right away.

i think my grade averages are maybe the lowest out of my friend group. i’m so concerned about doing right by my students and then i end up being kind of a hardass when it comes to actually taking off points haha... it’ll get curved back up at the end so i’m not too worried. i just feel bad that my students have to look at their 12/20 because i know how demoralizing that is. i think i will send out an email later and offer some resources if i can find any.

the problem is that i had 4 or 5 curve breakers so i couldn’t just scale up everyone’s scores at the end.

anyway once i got home i made a microwave meal because it was like 8:50 and i just wanted food. i did all my dishes and hid some cookies for snoopy and cleaned her litter genie thing since it, uh, malfunctioned the other day and i just didn’t have time to fix it until tonight. and i swept the bathroom afterward so that looks better and doesn’t smell like cat pee.

ok it is six minutes after my “stop writing” time. i would like to get enough sleep tonight for once. i just have a lot on my mind and not much desire to deal with my dreams.

i saw my friends again. i was just watchin em, i couldn’t really interact with the dream at all. they were trying to figure out some deja vu feelings. i couldn’t say anything to them that might help clear it up though. unable to get the message across.

i think keegan asked what kinds of dreams i have that i don’t like sleeping very much. oh i mentioned i don’t like naps because i get horrible nightmares. he asked how i ever sleep then and i said i guess eight hours is long enough for the dreams to calm down. THEN he asked what kinds of dreams i have. i said i dream about my eyes rotting out, or the skin coming off my hands, or blood and gunk just coming out of my mouth in a constant stream. he and harrison said please stop.

i am not sure how to bring up dream friends with them. i mentioned it to suzanne one time on the way to spaghetti day when we were swapping dream concepts. and i am not sure if they are even interesting enough to bring up. i’m not sure what to make of them at all. i guess it makes being awake feel less real. because i’ve met all these people in my dreams and i don’t always remember what i say to them but they feel real to me.

you know, i did bring them up a little bit. i mentioned that i meet a lot of people in my dreams and that most of them are dead now. that prompted a joke about how we are all dead to keegan until he sees us again in the morning. it was funny and it made me feel a little better, but with most of them like, i watched them die. it’s not a matter of “haven’t been in touch.”

i just don’t know how to describe how i feel about the dream guys. it feels dumb to care about something like that when they’re not even real, they’re people i made up in my head. like it’s almost egotistical to pay attention to them or be concerned for their safety. i guess it depends on how you interpret dreams. collective consciousness? random nonsense? processing our day by making random associations? who knows. maybe a little of all of them.

maybe it’s easier for my brain to handle being concerned about people i made up and put into danger myself than it is for my brain to be concerned about me and the problems i make in my own head.

i was talking to keegan and jennica and harrison at our meeting before the proctoring started. we were talking about how we have all adopted keegan’s “that’s no good” whenever we see something we don’t like. harrison joked that that’s how he would introduce keegan to a stranger. then he said he would introduce me to a stranger by saying something like “this is sammie. she’s depressed.”

i guess i felt kinda bad. i said “wow, good to know that depression is my defining character trait. it’s the one thing about me everyone notices!”

maybe the others felt bad too because i don’t think we talked about that much more. it’s hard to remember.

i still say things nic used to say in high school when we dated. like “wow! WOW! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWW” is a good one. i think “smooth like sandpaper” is a phrase he picked up from me but we both said it a lot.

people stay with me. even when i don’t want them to. i still make jokes that shade toward stuff craig used to say. i still make jokes that jim really liked. when i caught myself using that old stupid punch line i had to stop and feel kinda sick for a few minutes actually.

i wonder if that’s all that people pick up from me? “this is sammie. she has depression.” i say things that i think are hilarious all the time but i don’t know if other people pick it up. i have like fifteen different words for “angry.” maybe my speech pattern is just odd enough that people don’t really copy me.

i’ve never really talked like a normal person. most of my vocabulary comes from reading. books, internet message boards, video games, international students in high school. i still mispronounce words and i have so much trouble with names that i, like, try to avoid referring to people by name at this point.

danielle said i should try to make myself more vulnerable to my friends. so maybe they can understand me better. and maybe i will understand them better.

but i tried that already. it didn’t work. i’m not stupid. i’m not gonna try something a million times if i know it’s not gonna work.

just kidding, i’m still studying physics. of course i’m gonna beat my head against a wall until either the wall or my head breaks!!!

danielle said she admired how strong i am for continuing to get up and work hard every day. she asked how i was feeling. i said “not very strong.”

it doesn’t feel like strength. it just feels like. boredom. maybe. i don’t know what else to do and i get restless. may as well do stuff.

#tw assault

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