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obsoletehumanity · 4 years ago

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now playing: headlights by charlie cunningham

whew. it's 4:30am on the last day of 2020. I can't sleep. and somehow I've found myself back on Tumblr, posting on this, because I can't use Twitter as a scream sandbox anymore. too many of my tutors from undergrad and other people are following me. so here I am, heh.

the funny thing is that despite all this time, it feels like I only go in circles. yes, I'm doing much better at this life thing. I'm no longer a failure in an academic/Asian sense - if it's not enough being at Oxford for postgrad + getting first class honours for undergrad at Bristol... well, fuck me.

it is true that the things that I worry so much whilst I was in JC and letting down people and being castigated to the ash heap of history and people's lives have passed. it hasn't been that bad. in a way, I've proven myself. in some ways, I should totally give the middle fingers to all the teachers at Hwach who have wished to see me fail in one way or another. fuck you, to the one who wrote "why do you even bother doing physics" on my prelim exam script. fuck the teachers who still give me nightmares 7 years after I've left Hwach. to those who act faux-compassionate and went out to set up tuition centres, may karma find you.

but above all that I still feel like a bloody failure. I don't have a job lined up after graduation. I have so many things I still need to do (yes, I don't have abs and all; I can't master Dutch for nuts; my net worth is still... bleh. I don't have a student loan and my stocks have done pretty well so I do have somewhat more money that most of my peers at my age, but still...), and ultimately, I can't find the energy to love myself. I just can't get over the fact that I'll never be enough and that this is who I am - I will only be this ordinary person that will get casted out and sidelined by people even if I try my hardest and my very best, and for arbitrary reasons. I know this world is unfair. it always is, but it feels like I'm always working against it in some ways and for what?

and I feel like what I've been doing for the past 2.5-3 years has been trying to reconfirm that. I know I'm broken so I make myself even more damaged so that I prove that no one will ever want me or think I'm salvageable. having a bit too much sex for the last few years. when I can't count the number of nationalities I've screwed with both hands. when I've fucked someone on the three trips I've taken in 2020 before Covid happened; and 8 at Club Church just before I had to take a flight back. me at Club Church? 18 year old me would never think about it. ha. but here I am.

I remember the time good friend S was worried about me being on Grindr and everything. Maybe... he still should, but I don't ever want him to worry about me. I told him before that I don't gain much pleasure from it. I don't. but he doesn't know that at the end of the day I just want, for a split second, to feel accepted and "loved", and that's the thing that I gain from it. aaand this is ironic because my first hookup with a guy, Calvin Harris and Sam Smith's Promises played in his car just after we screwed and he wanted to bring me to somewhere where you could see the Clifton Suspension Bridge. and the entire meaning behind Promises is literally having someone for the night. but yeah. me, using sex and me being promiscuous as a way to just make myself broken, damaged, and unrepairable to the Asian gaze, so that I prove myself right. go me!

I know I'm incoherent. but I guess what I want to say is that all my life what I wanted is just to be accepted for who I am but it always feels so distant. And I seem to be actively self-sabotaging that by making myself for damaged. I don't seem to be good enough for anyone, and people have proven that to be true before. and maybe all I wish is someone to just like and love me despite all the damage that I am, how 'used' and filthy I am. this is stupid and idiotic, but I wonder if the shorter-than-me and smaller-than-me robotic surgeon in Melb did have his way and raped me, would it make much of a difference, given that I already feel so dirty as a being myself?

also - I don't think I'm even good enough for my friends... I really feel I'm just a huge burden on my life, and it is true, I am. will anyone remember me if I'm gone? maybe a few will... but that's it.

but I won't ever yeet myself because I lost a grandparent to suicide and I've seen first-hand how that stuff really screws people up. and I've been trying to make sure people don't go the same path. life is shite, but there will always be a glimmer of hope. and even if I can't see that myself sometimes, I just hope others do. in a way I feel like my life... is just about being there for others. is this ego death? I don't even feel like my life is really that important except having enough money to survive and not be emotionally abused or held hostage to the whims of my parents or to society at large. I'm not sure if I'm truly motivated by anything except 1) being financially independent (so that I don't have to deal with being held emotionally hostage), 2) care and concern for my friends and 3) just a huge desire to be accepted and loved.

as for 2020... I know people hate the year a lot, and I do too. but were it not for 2020, I don't think I can achieve this level of personal growth, and confirmation that I'm the only person that I can rely on for myself. I do have regrets though. I regret not having enough balls to yeet way more money into my two biggest holdings (which are up 10+ times as of today) when my hand hovered over the button, or loading more stocks in March, or buying more VIX options when I knew something was happening (I hated myself so much for this). Maybe if I did I could somehow (no, I WILL) have seven figures in the bank, lol. But hindsight is 20/20 and I still believe playing things somewhat conservative will save my ass time and time over again. Plus I'm only 24. I still have time.

I also regret having my progress on trying to love myself regress after the entire debacle with * last year. I regret not chilling down more often and instead being stuck in a purgatory of executive dysfunction + stressed not-doing-anything, all the time. But the year has been pretty okay bar the pandemic. At least - I've graduated and for what the degree is worth, I have a pathway to jobs. somehow. and I don't have to live in fear that I have had over the last 20+ years about being cut off by the family because of anything I've done or not done. and hopefully that position will get strengthened further once I'm done with Oggs.

what about 2021? I'm just going to focus on 1) strengthening my financial position (which translates to less emotional turmoil if ever induced on the family front), 2) getting a job (and hopefully staying in the UK/Europe), and 3) being a better friend to people; and 4) being a better person to people in general. 5) Survive and thrive, because 2020 had royally screwed my plans to, so they aren't going to get in my way for 2021.

it's 5:30am now. and I'm not sure if I wrote anything useful or readable for the last hour. I just really hate myself at times and I wish I could just be enough for my friends, if I'm not good enough for anyone else. I really fucking do care about all of them, and my two sisters. I just hope they know. I hope I've done enough and will continue to do enough and be enough for all of them.

is this how K felt when I read his posts and knew his inner thoughts? this isn't even going to my finsta, and never will. I just hope K's alright. I really hope he is. I'm not used to radio silence from him. and to the eyedealmentality dude I follow on here. hope you're well too Mikey, I haven't heard from you in years. and to the person I once loved and probably still will forever. I know I will never be the person you want, and that's okay. I don't think we were meant for each other, and that is fine. I just hope you are well too. stay safe, take care, and may your future be brighter than what you've expected in your wildest dreams.

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