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irlcringekin · 7 years ago

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Callout post: @toroidion @fckhand @mashcores @googledocz @1cm3 @tcnno @tarnmas @p976 @p15s @harmacysts tons of other urls-- SEXUALLY HARASSES AND ASSAULTS OTHER MINORS!!!

I apologize so much for posting this into fandom tags but he’s a Transformers fandom blogger and everyone needs to watch out. First off,

Here’s a list of shit this callout post covers:

him literally SEXUALLY ASSAULTING and SEXUALLY HARASSING MINORS.

him forcing nsfw/kink onto both MINORS and adults.

him being very emotionally manipulative (guilt tripping, threatening suicide to force people to be friends with him, etc.)

SO TW FOR ALL OF THAT.

Here are his blogs:

@38 (current url!!!)

@fckhand (he goes back to this url a lot)

@googledocz (past url)

@8752 (previous url)

@1cm3

@tcnno (a previous url)

@tarnmas (a previous url)

@roughbf (some sort of active sideblog)

@ctdc (an old tfkin group chat he had -- this is where he’s proved to harass people the most!!)

@pcrv (old URL - still online)

@p15s (old URL - still online)

@skrnr (old blog - recently taken by the Woody Collectives)

@breakpng-remade (an old blog when he used to ID as Breakdown)

@harmkin (an old blog he used to stalk people on to send them n.s.f.w)

Past URLs:

toroidion

incelreaper

magistream

oddcorn

harmacysts

harmacysts-remade

ctnet

cybertronnet

breakdovvn

breakpng

skrnr

soliqsnake

paralons

Names he goes by to watch out for:

Pharma

Para / Paralon

Docs

Griev

Grim

Ten

Break(down)

He’s a minor himself but that does NOT excuse him from literally sexually assaulting other minors and putting them in danger within multiple group chats.

Please PLEASE PLEASE REBLOG IF YOU CAN!

Note: some people in this post are kin with certain characters. If someone is using a character name, it’s because of that. Don’t attack them about this.

Note: those whose names/urls/etc. are not censored gave FULL PERMISSION to be included and not censored in this post.

Note: again, this person is indeed a minor too (which doesn’t excuse him at all) but please do not harass him. Block him and spread the word to protect other minors!

He sexually assaults other minors:

It’s been my personal experience of being with him in group chats that many times he has just been asked to stop talking nsfw/kink because he’s a minor or it just made people/other minors uncomfortable. However, most of the time, he either refused or said he’d stop... only to continue. That’s all I’ve experienced. This obviously isn’t enough to warrant a callout post, however...

HE HAS RECENTLY WENT SO FAR AS TO MASTURBATE WHILE ON CALL WITH A MINOR (15) WHO WAS TOO FUCKING SCARED TO TELL HIM TO STOP.

I’ve been given permission by the person he assaulted to say who they are: it was @t4ilgate he assaulted.

It started off with someone messaging me about it:

Note that @/harmacysts aka @fckhand (now @toroidion) fakes being a system in order to get out of most of the shit he starts. Ie. “oh my other alter did that, not me, so I can’t take responsibility for my actions!”

I later got proof of his sexual assault and harassment on a tumblr user by the URL of @t4ilgate (again, permission was given to make their url public):

JUST BECAUSE THIS PERSON DIDNT SAY NO AND FELT PRESSURED INTO IT, DOESNT MEAN ITS OK. THIS WAS FORCED UPON THEM. THEY LITERALLY SAY THAT THEY DIDNT SAY NO BECAUSE THEY WERE TOO FUCKING SCARED TO SPEAK UP.

He later tried to defend them not speaking up as them “giving consent”:

“They should not have given me the slightest consent if they didn’t want it” SILENCE AND FEAR IS NOT CONSENT.

“i gave them the option to say no multiple times” THEY WERE TOO SCARED OF YOU TO SAY NO. ALSO ACCORDING TO THEM,

YOU DIDNT AT ALL.

“I’m genuinely trying to get better” YOU WOULDNT FORCE NSFW/KINKS AND YOURSELF ONTO OTHER MINORS IF YOU ACTUALLY WERE.

And here it is CONFIRMED that they were pressured and scared/forced into this shit:

[ @/t4ilgate: i really tried to hint at trying to make things slow down when he started getting too sexual with me. he just kept asking and asking me until i just felt really pressured to just agree. he really took advantage of me, especially since i had something really similar like this happen before, i was distressed abt upsetting him. he kept asking me over and over how i was feeling, and asking me if i knew what he was feeling and doing. he kept insisting that i should be blunt whenever he did.

(name redacted): god - im so sorry you had to go through that ]

Again allow me to emphasize:

“he just kept asking and asking me until i just felt really pressured to just agree. he really took advantage of me, especially since i had something really similar like this happen before, i was distressed abt upsetting him.”

And in response to his “public apology”:

[ @/t4ilgate: HAHAHAHA W O W OK THEN - 'consent' oh, you mean, constantly badgering me until my 'i dont know, im not sure' turns into '....ok' - 70% of the call was spent doing sexual activities he spent so long trying to convince me to do. - get fucked. ]

HE DID THIS WITHOUT CONSENT AND EXCUSED EVERYTHING WITH “but... [after i intensely pressured and forced them into it] they barely said ok so it’s consensual!”

BADGERING SOMEONE UNTIL THEY GIVE IN IS NOT CONSENT. YOU ARE A FUCKING SEXUAL ASSAULTER AND YOU’VE POTENTIALLY TRAUMATIZED A MINOR FOR YOUR OWN SEXUAL GRATIFICATION.

I hope you have fun living with this knowledge for the rest of your life.

And here’s him being asked to leave, saying he’s “so sorry” for sexually assaulting someone, (note: the person telling him to leave says that he’s done this to MULTIPLE PEOPLE SO HE IS A REPEATED OFFENDER AND DANGER):

As you can see, him asking “are you sure you want me to leave [after sexually assaulting a member of your chat]” outright shows that he’s not even considerate of how others feel LET ALONE THE PERSON HE ASSAULTED. He asks after sexually assaulting someone if they really want him to leave. Which, no shit asshole who WOULDNT want you to leave.

As a trauma survivor myself, this utterly disgusts me that this person @/harmacysts aka @fckhand (now @38) who is also the owner of @/ctnet would go so far as to WILLINGLY TRAUMATIZE ANOTHER MINOR FOR SEXUAL GRATIFICATION.

That’s cocsa even if it’s not physical or in-person, it’s still a form of sexual assault and harassment and I feel so fucking bad for the person (people?) he’s sexually harassed.

It gets worse!!!!

HE ALSO MADE A BLOG ABOUT THIS POOR MINOR AND HIS SEXUAL FANTASIES ABOUT THEM AND HARASSED THEM ON THERE TOO

Apparently this has happened BEFORE with other people as well many times:

[@/t4ilgate: -and really sexually affectionate, but i never knew he’d do that w/out asking me first - YEAH - like he even made a nsfw vent blog to talk about him lusting over me and just feels so bad and wrong i hate it i hate it

(name redacted): he did that to us too

@/t4ilgate: the url used to be harmkin - seriously???

(name redacted): he used to have a blog called fakegimmick and he’d vague about wanting to fuck us (all 17+ year olds) all the time

@/t4ilgate: that’s so fucking sick holy shit i never knew

(name redacted): and he’d even send us the links to the shit he’d vague - it was so fucking uncomfortable - he even made fun of sex-repulsion]

Him making nsfw blogs to literally stalk and harass other minors sexually and to talk about them sexually is fucking creepy. He was asked to stop multiple times but DID NOT EVER STOP. This is harassment, this is cocsa, and this is disgusting.

If that wasn’t enough, then here’s more of what he’s done:

UPDATE!! -- his new url has changed to @38 !

@tcnno used to be a previous url (proof):

[ like… i know ive been denying everything this whole time but… the person that was called out is in our system. im a newer host. i tried to get away from the whole thing because im a coward but that’s irrelevant. the point is that im letting go of my role as host and Pharma is taking that. if anyone is uncomfortable just leave the server its all fine. i doubt im going dormant but we’ll see. im really sorry i have to do this everything is too much for me to handle right now.

if anyone wants anything cleared out just ask. pharma is here with me so he can ask questions as well.

by the way feel free to screenshot that because im not hiding anymore.

oh and if you dont know whats going on just… ((link to the callout against him)) yeah. he doesnt do that kind of shit anymore and is getting better but still if anyone is uncomfortable, feel free to cut contact ] --- source (tcnno)

please note that he has excused his manipulative and abusive behavior and even the fact that he has sexually harassed a minor with his “system” and “headmates” before!!!!!

He has said MANY TIMES that he has “changed”!!

this is normal manipulative behavior for him. please do not fall for it! he is STILL VERY MUCH A DANGER!!

and he’s since then moved to @1cm3 as stated on his blog:

and from this blog you can find a url trail from 1cm3 to @incelreaper and then back to the old @fckhand and over to @arknights and over to @mashcores and then to @googledocz where he deleted most of his content and then to 8752 where he seems to go back to the url @fckhand a lot where he admitted he was googledocz. he is now @38

UPDATE: HE JOKES ABOUT SEXUALLY HARASSING PEOPLE AND ADMITS HE DOESNT FEEL BAD ABOUT WHAT HE DID!

I guess he saw the callout post and all he did was make jokes about it and thus him sexually harassing people:

and then even say he “feels bad but also not”:

He forces nsfw/kink onto both other minors and adults:

Many people have come to me telling me that in all of the group chats he runs and/or is in, he has tried to force nsfw/kink shit onto minors MANY TIMES.

The below pictures in this next part include him going so far as to force nsfw/kink onto his old ex datemate. He’s went so far as to completely ignore their boundaries and they make commentary here and there about how scared they were (tw for vaguely nsfw implied text - but nothing outright nsfw):

[ @/harmacysts: we still have that thing you suggested - we should do that eventually.

--- A note from his ex who we’ll call “Tracer”: I didn’t suggest it. ]

===

[ @/harmacysts: well i just remembered a thing from our past and im-

“Tracer”: ???????

Harmacysts: try to guess

--- A note from his ex: here im playing along bc im too scared to do anything else ]

===

and here is where his ex datemate tried to LEAVE THE SITUATION but he kept forcing it further:

Nothing is outwardly nsfw but his ex is clearly very VERY uncomfortable and tries to literally escape the situations he puts them in MULTIPLE TIMES to the point where they feel SCARED of him.

There were also a few other instances of him forcing nsfw/kink onto people:

He has posted pictures of himself wearing a collar in a group chat he used to be in. This made a lot of people very uncomfortable as he’s a minor so they had to delete the pic he sent. During the time he was wearing it/sent the pic, he kept talking about how “age regressed” he was and then later on called his age regression “pet regression” (possible fetishization of age regression and trauma?)

After being called out about it, instead of apologizing and trying to make things better, he deleted most of the shit he sent and ran from the situation and left the group chat, unable to take people telling him to stop posting nsfw things.

Most of it was deleted including the picture he posted, but here is where he sent it:

note: NO ONE told him to send it and NO ONE told him that it was ok to. Here’s proof that they did not encourage him AT ALL and even told him to NOT post it:

and here’s the aftermath of it where, when being talked to about it and asked to stop in a calm manner, he immediately guilt trips the person telling him to stop:

[caption:

(Name redacted): I apologize but you didn’t have to leave. All I was asking was for you to not post such things into a chat with adults and - Yeah a few people have also mentioned that it made them incredibly uncomfortable as well as adults. I also don’t understnad the issue with me asking you to not post such things, and for adults to be informed of you being a minor.

Harmacysts: no its just best im not there at all]

However, after that, he once again began to force collars and kink shit onto people DESPITE BEING TOLD TO STOP MULTIPLE TIMES:

Here’s where people tell him to stop:

Note, these are taken from multiple group chats,

[ (name redacted): you NEED TO STOP POSTING THIS SHIT its making so many people uncomfortable and youre a MINOR. this isnt an nsfw chat. this is a sfw chat. and even if we did allow nsfw, YOURE A MINOR YOU NEED TO FUCKING STOP OR ELSE WE’RE GOING TO BOOT YOU FOR GOOD, OK? ]

[ (name redacted): pleasee stop this is really uncomfortable im a minor and i dont wanna see this stuff.... please??? idc if youre a minor too i want you to stop!! ]

He’s made EVERYONE both minors and adults uncomfortable. He forces nsfw/kink shit onto minors. He forces it onto adults too. No matter how much people ask him to stop, he doesn’t.

He’s caused multiple minors harm and has even triggered quite a few of them into panic attacks with his blatant sexual harassment.

I can’t stress it enough that even though he’s a minor himself, THIS IS NOT OK --- LET ALONE THE FACT THAT HE SEXUALLY ASSAULTED ANOTHER MINOR!!

He’s very emotionally manipulative:

Here are some accounts of him emotionally manipulating, guilt tripping, threatening suicide, and even trying to break relationships up out of jealousy.

This will be a mixture of people’s encounters with him and screenshots of what he’s said/done.

[ (name redacted): one of the only things that made me stay and wait for him to get better was the fact he used to guilt trip me with "i think i would have kms if i hadn't ever met you" which made me feel important but burdened WITH A FUCKING HUMAN LIFE ]

=====

[ (Name redacted #1): all he said when i once commented about the age difference between his first two relationships i knew of was "i can see why it's not everyone's thing" like................. hey

(Name redacted #2): oh my god

(Name redacted #3): so he perpetuates gross age gaps - also he’s still shoving his nsfw kink talk into minor’s faces - he’s doing it in other group chats

(Name redacted #4): UGh ]

so he advocates and even perpetuates for adult/minor and age-gap relationships.

=====

a few emotionally manipulative and guilt-trippy things he’s said but nothing too serious to warrant a callout post by itself, but it’s still something to include to show his general behavior:

(he apparently used to go by this name and icon in a different chat)

EDIT as of 21/01/2018: since then, he has been changing to numerous URLs, FULLY PRETENDING TO BE OTHER PEOPLE, and trying to drag new people into his shit. He’s hurt even more people according to a few sources and STILL tries to excuse his actions with weak apologies and saying that he “has changed and improved”:

[[ Pharmy boy (aka harmacysts/fckhand -- now @toroidion): yeah ik its really bad but if you need an apology/explanation or something i can provide one? just first off its been 5 months since everything Happened. ive improved a lot since then and i dont condone those types of things at all. it was very stupid of me and i take all the responsibility for it. i mightve been 14 at the time but that doesnt take away how bad it is. ((continued))--

I am trying my best. So first off yeah I did do sexual things on call with another person when i hadnt been given a proper answer, and i did pressure them into it. I admit that. I didnt mean to hurt them, I genuinely thought it was ok, but now i know better. i do feel very guilty for what i did. ill be more careful in the future and am sure to not repeat the same thing ever again.

then theres me talking about nsfw when people were telling me to stop. obviously thats not a right thing to do either, as everyone was clearly uncomfortable with it. i wont repeat that either, and will look after it myself.

theres also me blaming things on alters, and not taking responsibility for what they mightve done. i dont remember exactly what happened but from now on im sure to take note of what they do and apologize for them. ((note: he is NOT an actual system, does not have DID, and only started to claim to be one after he got friends who also claimed to be systems))

ive also bee manipulative in the past, and ive taken note of it. i used to guilt trip people and say shit like “no one loves me and youre lying” etc etc but i promise i will not do that again.

the only time i ever did stuff like that was the ones mentioned, i havent done the same before, and neither will i do it again. ((false: he has done many more things that weren’t documented due to him deleting messages after he was told off or called out))

sorry thats a bit sloppy.

but like. i promise ive improved, and i still am. ill continue to improve from now on as well, you can give me a chance to prove that if you so desire.

bottomtron: sorry but, literally, i cant. my abuser of 3 years that ruined my life was like this and i even physically lived with him. im sure youll get better in time but 5 months isnt long and my gut tells me to just do what i feel is right. so i hope you have a good run in life and you do get better. ]]

however, despite harmacysts/fckhand’s claims, he actually HAS NOT changed and continues to sexually harass and perhaps even groom other minors:

plus it should be quite obvious that 5 months is barely enough time, especially since there has been little difference in his behaviour.

Small edit as of 2018/07/30 --- fckhand (now @38) proves that he STILL has not changed and does not care about nor respect any of his friends’ decisions to leave him after they find out what he has done.

He has no changed, will not change, and refuses to respect peoples’ decisions even after claiming for ages now that he does. He is lying.

TLDR --- this person @fckhand (now @38) literally sexually harassed another minor under the guise that their silence and fear was consent. He pressured them into it and harmed them. He’s extremely manipulative and toxic and is KNOWN to force nsfw/kink onto other minors. since then, he has been lying and trying to worm his way back into fandoms and people’s lives.

again do not harass him but by all means please reblog this post, block him, and tell others!

#fckhand #38 #callout #callout post

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anything-advice-blog · 7 years ago

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[TIME SENSITIVE / URGENT] toxic friend

i kno u guys must get like thousands of messages and im so sorry for cluttering ur inbox and pushing this to the front of the line but im just. desperate and really scared and i need to know what 2 do abt this as soon as possible!!! also as a preface i apologize in advance if some of the way i word things in this come off as offensive or incorrect, etc - i truly, genuinely do not mean any harm so please feel free to correct me if i say something that isnt okay!!! also this is REALLY scattered and mega long so bear with me im really sorry! (also im so. so scared the person in question is gonna see this o H MY GOD so i may need to message this blog again asking for this post to be taken down maybe bc im really paranoid im so sorry!! i hope thats ok but i just dont want to risk her seeing this if this all blows up in my face ohrkjdghkjghfdgj!!!) (TW: SUICIDE MENTION, SELF HARM MENTION)

ok so. almost 2 years ago in early 2016 this girl i’d never met before drew me this incredible gift art for my birthday. we started talking and we found out we have a lot of things in common - we both draw and write, we’re just a few months apart from each other in age, we have similar interests and fandoms, n we live less than an hour away from each other and are one state away from one another - so we immediately hit it off n became super close friends. she was amazingly talented n super friendly and nice n stuff so i wanted 2 be friends w her anyways!!!!! @ the time she was in an online relationship with someone several years older than her who lived across the country, and she mentioned a few times she was feeling unhappy and insecure in that relationship and that long distance was really difficult but she was too devoted to her partner to break it off. the most important thing 2 note is that my friend has several severe untreated mental illnesses (depression, anxiety, ocd among others), regularly self harms, and is suicidal. im pretty sure im neurotypical (or at least i definitely am not suicidal / depressed, etc), so while i couldnt relate to a lot of the things she was going through, i always tried to be a listening ear to her and give her advice / support when i could because i knew she was going through a lot of rough stuff. she told me she doesnt have any friends in real life, her parents are separated and her family does not support her or even really know / care about her mental health, and she can’t access any professional help from teachers / counselors / therapists due to her severe anxiety and financial issues for some of the latter options listed. as her relationship with her partner began to crumble, i started bearing a lot of the weight of her struggles - she would vent to me and i would always have to be there for her to support her. i told myself that because she was mentally ill and didnt have any support i would take on that role so she wouldnt have to suffer. over the summer of 2016 she almost attempted suicide like…. twice??? and i talked her out of it and it was terrifying and really exhaustimg to constantly be worried about her.

then almost a year ago, in the winter of 2016, she started getting… clingy? we started talking a lot more and i didnt really get like any bad vibes from her but we were pretty much joined @ the hip and stuff and we started telling each other all of our secrets (so this is when i found out her relationship with her girlfriend was starting to crumble, which i didnt previously know) also she started constantly drawing me stuff??? like Drowning me in gift art and i felt really bad for not being able to reciprocate but she told me not to worry and that she used art as a coping method and stuff. at this time, i was going through some stuff too - obviously not as severe as depression / self harming, etc, but i had just gotten out of an almost-relationship with someone i knew from school, and i was doing my best to distance myself from romance in general since i didnt feel mature or confident enough to be in a romantic relationship yet. i told my friend that i was uncomfortable about the prospect of being in a romantic relationship and she seemed to understand.

anyways right around my birthday this year she revealed to me that she was madly in love with me (???!!?!?!?!?!!?!!?). mind you we had never even talked to each other / video called or ANything like that and we had only sent each other One (1) selfie and. it made me really uncomfortable because she said that like i was her moon and stars and her whole world and everything and she constantly dreamed of me??? and that she had been secretly like writing me love poetry and drawing me Even More Art i didnt even know about and…… it was. really overwhelming. it bothered me for so many reasons besides the fact that we had never communicated outside of like chatting / sending messages back nd forth like…. ok she was still in that long distance relationship at the time even though it was crumbling, and she KNEW!!! that i was uncomfortable about romance but she told me anyways and stuff!!!!!! and AHHH it was just really bad. so i panicked over it for a day or two because i was scared that if i Firmly Said No that she would spiral into a depressive episode and actually fatally harm this time but i wrote her this huge long letter letting her down very, very, VERY gently and apologizing for ever leading her on and stuff. and. she never actually wrote back to that letter or told me that it was okay???? which….. should have been a red flag 2 me but. we moved on as friends even though we did this conscious of the fact that she still loved me like that and i didnt feel the same way. looking back on it i regret it so much because i told her that like i would Always Be There For Her Forever and stuff and??? gfkjhgk yeah it wasnt a good time.

its been almost a year since then. in the spring i got my first smartphone and we added each other on a lot of social media stuff including snapchat and moved all our conversations there, then we decided to call each other and exchange phone numbers and see how that worked. i didnt really think much of it and was excited to hear her voice and have a conversation with her but…….. suddenly that one call turned into two and two turned into three and within a few weeks we were calling each other like All The Time (at least once a week if not more) and like making these really fucking elaborate schedules to call each other????? WHICH LIKE i dont think is a normal thing friends do idk if im wrong but!!!!! i literally call None of my other friends except for her, and a lot of that is bc i actually get really anxious and uncomfortable talking on the phone?? (also not to mention my mom doesnt really like me talking on the phone either….) but i never really told her that it made me uncomf or that it was difficult to mnge like i guess it just kinda.. Happened and became the norm. so now on top of constantly messaging each other multiple times a day now we were calling frequently too and there was suddenly a lot more pressure in our relationship because i had to stress out over making a large amount of time in my day to talk to her. i graduated high school this spring and having to balance the extreme emotional load of that major change with like… suddenly having to fall all over myself to make time to talk to this girl i didnt even really know?? was just really bad and i regret it so much because i feel like i missed out on fully experiencing it i guess. im really really passive and im TERRIFIED of confrontation and i dont like saying no to people or telling them if im uncomfortable because They Will Get Mad At Me and it was especially worse bc of my friend’s mental health and so she and i would talk for hours on end because i was afraid that if i got tired and ended the conversation without a legitimate excuse she would get mad at me and hurt herself. since we could fit way more conversation into like… long long hours of talking and talking, we ended up like. just telling each other literally Everything and she “eventually” fell out of love with me and started trying to meet people who she actually knew irl to date!! which was. kinda good bc she met this one girl and they hit it off but then it turns out she was just….. queerbaiting my friend??? which Sucked so that obviously didnt work out. and then she met another girl on this dating app and they started going out and my friend started talking to me less for a little while. it turns out though……. that my friend’s new girlfriend lives in my town??? like i dont know her but bc of that my friend and i almost met in person bc the two of them met up and went out together and stuff and they were gonna drop by and see me but that didnt work out. im getting off topic here but my point is……… she told me she wasnt in love with me anymore and she started seeing other people.

sadly she and her gf recently broke up. their relationship was also really unhealthy just like…… All Of Her Relationships and that other girl broke up with my friend because she said she needed space (she was depressed too and needed to recover and my friend was being too clingy and attention seeking and stuff so she just ended it in the middle of the night over text.) ofc ive stuck around for all of this and my friend has vented about every tiny detail of this relationship to me and its…. been So Stressful. now that shes single again she’s more depressed than ever - over the summer when she was dating that other girl she stopped self harming but she started again when their relationship started going south and now im really scared she’s gonna hurt herself, esp bc she tried to commit suicide again a few months ago which was terrifying. also another thing thats made me REALLY uncomfortable!!!!!!!! is that she Keeps Bringing Up the fact that she was in love with me whenever we talk on the phone??? like Every Single Time We Talk, Without Fail. even when she was talking abt her new gf with me sh was like. comparing her attraction to her gf to her attraction to Me and talking abt how they were similar and different and. i never had the guts to tell her it bothered me but god it just does So So Much!!!!! because we were never in a real relationship and she doesnt even really know me KDSJFHKHGAHHH im rambling so much this makes no sense at all and this is so long im so sorry ahhhh but im… Stressed!

so….. we’re running up on two years since we’ve met and one year since she told me she loved me. im in college now and she’s still in high school, and she’ll be i college next year too. again, i dont think that im depressed or mentally ill, but ive been struggling a LOT with the adjustment from hs to college and its been really really rough on me emotionally. now that my friend is single she’s been solely relying on me and trying to get me to call her multiple times a week because she needs the extra support now that she doesnt have her girlfriend anymore… but she doesnt seem to understand that i i just dont have enough time or energy to give all of myself to her and fall all over myself to make her feel better, especially when i already feel suffocated by her to begin with AND when im suppposed to be starting this new life and putting all of my focus into that. we’re mutuals on every single social media i have and i feel like im constantly being crushed by guilt whenever i do anything for myself or post stuff bc she can see what im doing constantly. and like she asked me to turn my read receipts on when we started moving from snapchat to texting and i have them turned off regularly so i did and it was really uncomfortable. i keep bending myself over backwards to mke sure im making her happy bc im all she has left.

neither of us have good relationships with our moms and so we’re always sneaking around to call each other and lately ive been calling her at school because obviously my mom isnt there and its less of a hassle to sneak around her and and talk……. but its a double edged sword bc i keep having to isolate myself and skip clubs / studying / hanging out with friends and socializing to talk to her and listen to her vent and its just so exhausting and i feel like im starting to seriously fall behind in other areas of my life im supposed to be getting better in. its hard enough adjusting to this and missing high school and stuff and trying to learn how to be an adult and be independent, and having her weight over my shoulders just is making things so much worse. but if i tell her that she’s choking me she’ll hurt herself (she’s literally said to me, Multiple Times (and recently!!!) that if it werent for me she’d be dead by now or she would kill herself and stuff and im the only thing she’s living for at this point. which. i dont know how to feel about that). i feel so trapped and i can’t say or do anything that indicates that im uncomfortable because she’ll get mad at me and make these passive agressive little side comments or do these alarmed emoticons and stuff or give me the silent treatment for a day or two (which is always scary bc like its Good when she’s not talking to me but when she doesnt im scared that something horrible happened to her!!!!!) and its just. god. ive started lying to her and coming up with fake excuses to get out of calling her because the thought of having to go isolate myself in these empty courtyards or nooks and crannies of my college campus is growing more and more uncomfortable and terrifying to me and i just cant fucking be honest about it because i suck. when i talk on the phone with her i have to be really fake and smiley and stuff and all she does is ramble about how horrible things are going for her and then i have to try and give advice when i just am so bad at talking and socializing already and im dealing w my own stuff and its… Awful. im so so weighed down by this nd i know that if she knew she’s being a…. b*rden to me right now she would be devastated and harm herself and stuff so i cant say anything and im spiraling out of control with THI s but you get the point im just really uncomfortable Always!!!! and i feel like my own emotions are completely 100000% inferior to hers because she’s gone through so much more than me and stuff???? and idk if thats True or if its just the way i feel but i just cant do anything around her bc shes like a ticking time bomb and anything i feel or try to do to protect myself from getting hurt will be selfish bc shes hurting way mre than me!!!!!!!!

anyways her birthday just happened a couple weeks ago and i bought her a tiny present and drew her somehting (i felt super guilty about not doing More for it though because shes done so much for me and also literally nobody except me remembered her birthday, not even really her own family). i havent mailed it to her yet (i told her i would send it this weekend, which is why this is marked as urgent) but we just exchanged addresses for the first time so now she not only knows my name, my age, what i look like, my Entire Backstory Ft. My Deepest Darkest Secrets, and how to reach me whenever she wants wherever she wants, but now she knows Exactly where i live and where i go to school too lol yay!!! anyways im getting really really anxious because i just had my midterms for college and didnt talk to her for an entire week last week but this happened right after her gf broke up with her and i think shes mad at me for taking a week off of talking to her. we were gonna call again today but i weaseled my way out of it bc it was so overwhelming and now i have to mail her this gift this weekend and my mom and other fmily members are all yelling at me about it and demanding that i just like…. Not Send It To Her because i dont owe her anything and tht i should just cut her off but if i do she’ll hurt herself nd she follows me everywhere and knows all of my secrets and stuff and idk im just scared that if i end our friendship she’ll try to ruin my life!!!! Like i dont think she would be petty like that or turn people against me or anything but she’s so obsessed with giving all of herself to other people nd she’s literally said she cant function without being 100000% devoted to somebody and like even after she’s broken up with all these other girls she still…. is obsessed with them and angsts over them and stuff and she does that with me even though i never even dated her or anything aND ITS JUST bad

like. idk i just really needed to get all of that out and im sorry it was so so so long and i dont even know what to do but i guess i marked this urgent because like. do i send her the present???? should i try to just like quietly distance myself from her real subtly so she wont notice or should i just straight up tell her that i cant breathe around her anymore and i just. really need space??? or like to not be friends anymore even though we know everything about each other??? am i being manipulated or is it jsut All In My Head that our relationship is toxic??? like idk if i shoud even cut her off completely or aNYTHING or if we could like even go on being just acquaintances from now on and saying hi to each other from time to time. and i feel so mean and bad for writin all of thisstuff about her when i know shses so vulnerable and i havent concretely communicated Any discomfort around her so if she saw this she would immediately know it was about her and do something Terrible to herself nd she constantly spams me with memes about depression and wanting to die and like…. blows up my phone with like 50 text messages at once and its just so so so much to worry about and i!!! just!!!!!! cant function like this anymore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHH!!

anyways that was a huge disorganized mess and im kinda shaking and i dont even think i got all of it down or communicated how trapped and helpless i feel. ive never been in any situation like this before and i hate that she’s…. yeah. she’s really like manipulated me and stuff and i dont know how to get out of it. every time i think about it i feel like bursting into tears because im just so stuck and i dont even know if the way im feeling is even valid or if its all just lke. in my head or something and this is how friends really are Supposed to be because ive never really had a great social life either and my best friends are honestly my brother and sister and they mean everything to me and so i have friends outside of my family but like idk i never like. really was that close with any of them nad stuff nad idk this isnt about me BUT i just uhhh. am kinda crying a little bit and im sorry fo rbeig a big baby about all of this its all my fault for being a Human Doormat and letting people walk all over me nd tellin myself that i can bear that weight when i really have never taken good care of myself before Ever In My Life and stuff. but anyways im gonna stop rambling now and just… to whoever reads this or responds to this or whatever just thank you for hearing me out even if you think im wrong / crazy / Terrible for feeling this way because it just has been so much and i dont know what to do.

Hey there!

There's a lot going on here, but the bottom line seems to be this; you're in a friendship that you don't want to be in, and that you feel is unhealthy for you.

You are not her therapist. You can't fix her, you can't treat her, you can support her, but that's it. You aren't responsible for her. You're forcing yourself to put all this time and energy into something that you're super uncomfortable with, and don't want to be doing, and it's draining you and destroying your own mental health. You have to put yourself first. It's okay to want to help people, but you HAVE to put yourself first, or else you'll burn out and you won't be able to help anybody.

At the very least, you need to talk to her about how you're feeling, and tell her you need to tone down your relationship. What's happening absolutely isn't fair to you. All you can do to help her is your best, and right now, you're not doing your best because you're not taking care of yourself.

I know you're concerned about her hurting herself or killing herself, but you have to understand that you are not responsible for her. If she does something to herself, it's not as a result of your actions. She's traumatized and mentally ill, and those factors are what causes her to hurt herself. Not you. You are not and can not be responsible for her. Period. If she tells you she's going to kill herself or severely hurt herself, you have her address. Call 911 and ask them to dispatch help to her house. She might hate you for it, but an angry person is far, far better than a dead person. That action very well might save her life, and get her the help that she needs, so don't be afraid to do it.

As for the present, it's totally up to you. You did promise it to her, and fulfilling that promise might help you let her down a little bit more gently. At the same time, giving her a permanent reminder of you could hurt her. Maybe you should ask her? Tell her about how you're feeling and that you can't keep going with this intense of a relationship, and have a conversation about that. During that conversation, you could ask if she still wants the present. She might get angry, or it could help soothe her, or maybe she'll have a totally different reaction. It's hard to know.

This conversation is going to be super, super hard. It's going to be hell, quite frankly. She's a super sensitive person, and she's probably not going to take it well. So remember what I said before, about her not being your responsibility, and do a LOT of self care working up to the conversation and after the conversation. I'd recommend making a self care kit, and putting things in it that help calm you down. My personal self care kit contains nice smelling lotion, soft fabric, stuff to play with, gum, tea bags, and notes from friends reminding me that they love me. You could also be texting a friend during the conversation, so that they can reassure you and help talk you through it.

You may not be going through the same things she is, but your feelings and your struggles are valid. You don't need to destroy yourself to help someone that's "worse" than you are. You need to take care of yourself, and keep yourself as healthy as possible. You aren't any less valuable simply because you're not traumatized or self harming. Your mental health is important, and you need to do what's right for you.

I hope this helps!

♥ - Fawn

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