#if you don't enjoy making self inserts u need to see my brain

[bunai-codepink]

giving my brain a VIOLENT rest from theories and brainstorming ideas and just. overworking itself? but gonna talk about my self inserts again cause i love them both? sm???

both (looma + mj)

- don't let the frills and bright colors fool you. literal human form of a chihuahua and will not hesitate to go for the knees. just happens to like cute things. - strawberry blonde basically means part angry part stupid and no self preservation (as you can tell. by their tastes in men) - if it was a career option they'd both kill to be magical girls. doesn't matter if they're not girls, dream job fr - not super chatty at first, but is the type of person where once they're comfy with you, you have unlocked The Weird. - awful sweet tooth. don't leave either of them alone with anything sugary it WILL be gone - adhd/autism duo fr fr!! - both like to just get up and dance when a good jam comes on (working on playlists cause i am unhinged) - both of em wear a binder! looma doesn't wear it all the time but mj has a timer set and a sports bra in xir bag when it goes off

looma (sdj)

- uses xe/xir pronouns, but begrudgingly uses they/them while at work - can't stand just doing nothing and has to be moving. due to this ABSOLUTELY hates slow days. once refilled toppings at least 3 times and overfilled by accident. - stims by drumming xir hands on things or arm flapping - captain oblivious my beloved. literally has no idea about anyones feelings until after the fact - likes to wear oversized jackets! while jack's is warm, xe prefers xir own (personal favorite is xir blue jersey with the stars on it) - yes, xe named xemself after the loomas from super mario galaxy.

"they're just funny lil guys!! sillies!!"

mj (mdhm)

- is very Particular about xir house. if anything remotely looks out of place or is nudged it sends off red alarms. - has an unhealthy collection of mini backpacks stored in the back of xir closet. no ones knows about it and xe would like to keep it that way - what does mj stand for? your guess is about as good as mine, xe changes xir answer anytime anyone asks. - local theivery of jackets hoodies and similar abound. usually if alan takes his jacket off there's a high chance mj will swipe it instead of getting up to get a blanket - isn't a huge fan of the slasher genre when it comes to horror, but if you want found footage or cult classics mj's your bestie - i've mentioned this before but doesn't like putting people's names or anything in xir phone. usually defaults to nicknames or just emojis - big fan of swishy skirts!! bonus points if there's pockets - unfortunate forgetful tbh!! memory is shit so often takes notes or pictures as reminders - has gone trick or treating the last 5 years as sam from trick r treat and due to xir height, always passes as a teenager at least. the candy scam continues. - chewerly hoarder!! has a bunch of necklaces but prefers the bracelets

"sorry if that was a bit blunt, i'm autistic. and also kinda a bitch? i didn't mean it, i promise."

[aspd-culture]

dunno if this is allowed, u dont have to answer if you don't want to but as someone with bpd I'm curious, how do people with aspd often see them?

So I can only offer my anecdotal answer to this, but I've had very polarized responses to people with BPD. Anything I say about how my ASPD affects the person with BPD I'm speaking of has been directly told to me by that person, so I am not just assuming.

On the one hand, my partner has BPD and it makes our relationship much more functional on my end than it would with me being with someone without it. That's because my *very* limited empathy that comes with him being an Exception pairs very well with the more intense emotions a pwBPD feels. Since my empathy is limited, I am not overwhelmed by the intensity of his emotions the way his exes often were. And, since his emotions are so intense, I can actually pick up on many of those emotions even with the blunted empathy. They're quiet pings on my radar, but they're there.

Further, my desire to only be around an extremely limited number of people saves him a lot of grief because his favorite person is *very* rarely interested in talking to anyone but him and a couple other close friends. The more limited the pool of people I have deep and meaningful relationships with, the less threatened he feels with me being his favorite person. Whilst he couldn't and wouldn't push someone to barely talk to anyone but him as that would be extremely abusive, me wanting to limit my interactions with people helps ease that anxiety a lot. It very much limits how much he worries that I will abandon him for someone else.

Meanwhile, the intensity of his attachment to me, while annoying during a flare, is actually something I enjoy. It's good for the ASPD unstable self-worth to know he values me that highly, and being his FP helps my brain accept that he genuinely does value me and is not using me, because I know the "hidden motivation" for him wanting me around that my ASPD convinces me everyone has. It's also one of the most stable attachments to me that anyone has had, mainly because I have very little time to detach since we do spend so much time together. Besides with my alters, it's the closest to normal love I've ever felt.

However, for non-Exceptions, I can get *very* annoyed by the emotional reactions of pwBPD if they affect me. I already am exhausted by the emotional labor of dealing with prosocials, what with their emotions overtaking their logic, but that is even more exacerbated by pwBPD. It's not their fault, and I know that, but I do have trouble being around pwBPD who are not an Exception because of this without setting firm boundaries on what I can and can't help them with. If they need me to just listen to their upset without trying to help them solve the problem, I cannot help with that. However, if they are too overwhelmed by their reaction to find solutions and want me to insert a logical and entirely non-emotional perspective, I am great at that and it makes me feel useful for something that mostly makes people call me shallow and cold.

Even for my Exceptions though, there are definitely issues between a pwBPD and a pwASPD. BPD splits can *really* flare my symptoms - both the "positive" and "negative" splits. When it's the type of split where he gets hyper-attached and needs a lot of attention out of nowhere, I can get tired easily with this, especially because just saying (and meaning) that I'm not going to leave is not good enough. It makes me want to interact less when he is obsessively trying to interact more. The types of splits where a pwBPD pushes someone away to avoid being left can be especially problematic for both people involved, as very often the pwASPD will essentially go "okay, bye then" and detach. That can be a lot for pwBPD to deal with, even though we're sometimes willing to go back on that. I have to stop myself when my partner gets in that kind of split to keep from "calling his bluff" so to speak, because that will worsen things for him.

In both romantic and platonic relationships, pwBPD and pwASPD can end up very toxic for each other, as some pwBPD will follow pwASPD into destructive situations and with our issues with regard for others' wellbeing, we may not always stop you. In fact, sometimes it's proof to us that you actually DO care about us, which, of course, is messed up for everyone involved.

That said, the more destructive behaviors pwBPD sometimes struggle with are VERY unlikely to surprise or scare a pwASPD. "Oh, you got freaked out and threw something, but you didn't throw it at me or break anything of mine? Ok, cool. What a mood. No, why tf would I leave you over that? I did that like 2 days ago. You're chill now right? Ok let's go get Taco Bell." From what my partner has told me, this can (and has) stop an episode in it's tracks because when the destructive behavior that is meant to push me away doesn't even make me blink twice and I'm still entirely cool with him, it sometimes completely reassures him that I'm not going anywhere and we can move on.

It can go either or both ways, depending on the day, on how a pwASPD and a pwBPD in close relationships of any type will interact, but generally I prefer pwBPD over other prosocials because most of what pwBPD do and say makes sense to me - even the irrational things are done out of a fear of or response to being abandoned, and handling that poorly is something I entirely understand and relate to. Anecdotally, my current partner and my most recent ex (both of whom have BPD) also said that they far, far preferred pwASPD to prosocials because of how we sometimes stablize their fear of being abandoned. I was one of the only people they ever believed when they asked if they were leaving and I said "why and where tf would I go anyway".

Again, this is VERY personal and anecdotal, but I've seen asks in the askbox before that said some similar stuff, so I'm sure I'm not the only one who relates to at least some of this.

Plain text below the cut:

So I can only offer my anecdotal answer to this, but I've had very polarized responses to people with BPD. Anything I say about how my ASPD affects the person with BPD I'm speaking of has been directly told to me by that person, so I am not just assuming.

On the one hand, my partner has BPD and it makes our relationship much more functional on my end than it would with me being with someone without it. That's because my *very* limited empathy that comes with him being an Exception pairs very well with the more intense emotions a pwBPD feels. Since my empathy is limited, I am not overwhelmed by the intensity of his emotions the way his exes often were. And, since his emotions are so intense, I can actually pick up on many of those emotions even with the blunted empathy. They're quiet pings on my radar, but they're there.

Further, my desire to only be around an extremely limited number of people saves him a lot of grief because his favorite person is *very* rarely interested in talking to anyone but him and a couple other close friends. The more limited the pool of people I have deep and meaningful relationships with, the less threatened he feels with me being his favorite person. Whilst he couldn't and wouldn't push someone to barely talk to anyone but him as that would be extremely abusive, me wanting to limit my interactions with people helps ease that anxiety a lot. It very much limits how much he worries that I will abandon him for someone else.

Meanwhile, the intensity of his attachment to me, while annoying during a flare, is actually something I enjoy. It's good for the ASPD unstable self-worth to know he values me that highly, and being his FP helps my brain accept that he genuinely does value me and is not using me, because I know the "hidden motivation" for him wanting me around that my ASPD convinces me everyone has. It's also one of the most stable attachments to me that anyone has had, mainly because I have very little time to detach since we do spend so much time together. Besides with my alters, it's the closest to normal love I've ever felt.

Meanwhile, the intensity of his attachment to me, while annoying during a flare, is actually something I enjoy. It's good for the ASPD unstable self-worth to know he values me that highly, and being his FP helps my brain accept that he genuinely does value me and is not using me, because I know the "hidden motivation" for him wanting me around that my ASPD convinces me everyone has. It's also one of the most stable attachments to me that anyone has had, mainly because I have very little time to detach since we do spend so much time together. Besides with my alters, it's the closest to normal love I've ever felt.

Even for my Exceptions though, there are definitely issues between a pwBPD and a pwASPD. BPD splits can *really* flare my symptoms - both the "positive" and "negative" splits. When it's the type of split where he gets hyper-attached and needs a lot of attention out of nowhere, I can get tired easily with this, especially because just saying (and meaning) that I'm not going to leave is not good enough. It makes me want to interact less when he is obsessively trying to interact more. The types of splits where a pwBPD pushes someone away to avoid being left can be especially problematic for both people involved, as very often the pwASPD will essentially go "okay, bye then" and detach. That can be a lot for pwBPD to deal with, even though we're sometimes willing to go back on that. I have to stop myself when my partner gets in that kind of split to keep from "calling his bluff" so to speak, because that will worsen things for him.

In both romantic and platonic relationships, pwBPD and pwASPD can end up very toxic for each other, as some pwBPD will follow pwASPD into destructive situations and with our issues with regard for others' wellbeing, we may not always stop you. In fact, sometimes it's proof to us that you actually DO care about us, which, of course, is messed up for everyone involved.

That said, the more destructive behaviors pwBPD sometimes struggle with are VERY unlikely to surprise or scare a pwASPD. "Oh, you got freaked out and threw something, but you didn't throw it at me or break anything of mine? Ok, cool. What a mood. No, why tf would I leave you over that? I did that like 2 days ago. You're chill now right? Ok let's go get Taco Bell." From what my partner has told me, this can (and has) stop an episode in it's tracks because when the destructive behavior that is meant to push me away doesn't even make me blink twice and I'm still entirely cool with him, it sometimes completely reassures him that I'm not going anywhere and we can move on.

It can go either or both ways, depending on the day, on how a pwASPD and a pwBPD in close relationships of any type will interact, but generally I prefer pwBPD over other prosocials because most of what pwBPD do and say makes sense to me - even the irrational things are done out of a fear of or response to being abandoned, and handling that poorly is something I entirely understand and relate to. Anecdotally, my current partner and my most recent ex (both of whom have BPD) also said that they far, far preferred pwASPD to prosocials because of how we sometimes stablize their fear of being abandoned. I was one of the only people they ever believed when they asked if they were leaving and I said "why and where tf would I go anyway".

Again, this is VERY personal and anecdotal, but I've seen asks in the askbox before that said some similar stuff, so I'm sure I'm not the only one who relates to at least some of this.

[notmuchofarolemodel]

It's 4 a.m

I'm still awake

Thinking of all the

shit

I've done

I've been told to meditate

ican'tican'tican't

it's called 'loving kindness'

the practice.

I was supposed to start by saying kind things to myself

but it became clear that I couldn't do that

either.

I tried sending love to other people.

but I couldn't decide who

so many people deserve

more

Than I've given them.

does laying

out

these words

d

i

f make me cool? quirky?

f I'm a shallow self-absorbed kid.

e

r i play ukulele ffs

e

n

t

l

y

I HATE PEOPLE

i hate me

i read three books today. people think im so clever. they're dissapointed when they find out the truth

SMART PEOPLE SLEEP DAMNIT

i have two running commanteries

in my brain

One is where The other is a web

It's like I'm of confusion but

Being constantly. blindingly clear

Watched or Thoughts.

Interviewed

.

noise

Is it better to have no noise?

when i put the headphones on, i hear nothing. Is it nice? no. my head is echoing. Ah, early morning paranoia. WHO'S CALLING MY NAME? I rip them off. No noise. My clock ticks.

I breathe. Something Hits my window. (under no circumstances look up) but the space between the noise is

a g o n i z i n g l y SILENT.

I don't listen for the noise that could shatter the void. but they're invading my ears like caterpillars, if they liked inhabiting ears. someone's downstairs. Footsteps. They're going to kill us all. "WHO'S THERE?!" I scream. silently. nobody. I'm crazy.

I try to block out the thoughts, and memories of what I've said to hurt people.

OK WHY AREN'T I TIRED?

I'm too tired to get up

though. Not uncommon. still.

I CAN'T SLEEP

I wish I could write songs.

but I can only do whatever the hell these are.

you know when the teacher falls silent and you know you're in trouble? I hate that.

I hate answering teacher questions

I hate being scared

I DON'T LIKE VERY MUCH NOWADAYS

I have to do the things I hate though

mY hoMeWoRK lOOmS in front of me. like something stuck in a door hinge. I can't shut the damn door on it and enjoy myself.

because i 'NEED' to do the stupid stuff(not what a need is defined as in business studies) but I don't.

hypocrite

adj. (1)/ me

i dislike people

I'm not unhinged but I'm desperate for someone to view me as normal

c a n' t y o u s e e

I act like this as a defense?

If the weirdo does something weird it's because she's weird so it's not questioned, but if other people do the same thing, they're judged ad ridiculed and pitied and Hurt and i don't want that

how can I so crave attention from other people but want to be left alone at the same time?

I don't want to sleep

I don't like the

lying sTILL LIKE a log

thing. Too much thinking.

I can't channel them into anything

When I was little I loved dressing up girly and fixing things. Pretending to build bookshelves with my plastic power tools. building bookshelves with my dad. I'm not asked to help with that stuff anymore. then I'm called lazy? I wonder why?? Hypocrites. I wonder where I get it from.

I gained like [lots of] kilos in a year. Yes growing, and yes hips and shit, yes I was really skinny but still

f a t t y ✓

hm. I need a shower.

It's 5:05 a.m

my parents think I don't get enough sleep anyway. shit.

Last time this happened, they didn't believe me so it's fine.

I'm a tad dizzy.

bystander

The world is too awake

For me to sleep

but yet I can only watch it go by.

the moon. How bright

For a ball of cheese.

C O M E D Y

lockdown is more busy than non lockdown

I feel numb

Indifferent

numb

OW. I dislike emotions.

huh.

I wish people would stop commenting.

"you're eating too loud"

*Insert laugh here*

"stupid"

*pitying look*

ok maybe it's not just comments.

the little ones hurt the most

when they didn't expect you to care about something stupid. About you.

I really wanted this jumper (profile pic) but they're sold out and were limited edition. FB said there was one left.

This started as a poem thing.

funny.

My pencil is running out.

I wrote it originally in watercolor pencil.

A bit of water and "all gone"

they were my first words .

my logical thought takes over and tells me my irrational thoughts are stupid. And me. I can't tell them apart anymore.

h

P i L os OPHY

gotta make it into a joke as per usual

hehe I'm nocturnal. ♪

WOULDIWAS SHOOKSPEARED

i want my phone back now. It's 7 minutes past 5:05 a.m. I'm sick of thinking.

I need a haircut

I don't like acting anymore because I dislike thinking about my emotions and acting is trying to harness these emotions that I've got locked away

[NOTE: my organs could implode somehow for some reason somehow]

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

Emotion layered leftovers

1+2 constantly refreshed, not deep, happy sad angry etc.

They're the ones ppl see

3. Stuff. If I trust u, u get this mess

4. Lol idk

5+6 stagnant sad shit. Fermenting.

Haha my therapist would like my emotion kombucha. Yum. I'd like a therapist. Y O M

I'M DONE WRITING NOW

〜(꒪꒳꒪)〜

[dearheartwitcher]

all of the questions for the art ask meme! :)

ouhh!! under the cut for u! <33

1. Art programs you have but don't use

loll i bought clip studio on sale but i havent drawn anything in it because i cant find a good dupe of my sai brush

2. Is it easier to draw someone facing left or right (or forward even)

hmm i guess left!

3. What ideas come from when you were little

lol every time i draw self insert im just feeding my inner 12 year old

4. Fav character/subject that's a bitch to draw

rosiers moth form.......... i love him sooo much but i need to try redesigning that form... also im trying SO hard to learn how to draw bloodhound but they have so many fucking Pieces to their design😭

5. Estimate of how much of your art you post online vs. the art you keep for yourself

i would say i post a good majority of the art i make!! ive gotten worse at it in recent years, mostly because i keep wanting to save things to post at "peak hours" or whatever but i always forget lmfao. i dont usually keep things to myself intentionally

6. Anything that might inspire you subconsciously (i.e. this horse wasn't supposed to look like the Last Unicorn but I see it)

art that my friends make always inspires me the more i see from them! mostly in little ways that only i really notice lol

7. A medium of art you don't work in but appreciate

traditional painting is sooo nice... i especially love gouache... i like when traditional painters dont blend their work and use a ton of different colors as well. also people who draw traditionally and put stickers all over their work, i think that's phenomenal

8. What's an old project idea that you've lost interest in

oh god so many lol. one that comes to mind is i was going to make a little animatic with a tiktok sound of my dnd party but uh. one character died and the other two belong to people im no longer friends with due to two separate falling outs 😬

9. What are your file name conventions

i usually name them based on whats happening in the drawing! or just the character's name, if ive only drawn them once. i also have all my art sorted into folders by subject matter (commissions, dnd, ocs, etc) and by date

10. Favorite piece of clothing to draw

hmmm.... probably long sleeve tshirts/sweaters.... regular jeans can be fun too

11. Do you listen to anything while drawing? If so, what

ohh lots of things. i have a drawing playlist on youtube thats got a couple hundred videos on it, i also have a ton of spotify playlists. i either listen to something that fits the vibe of what im drawing, or something that will motivate me to stay in the zone lol

12. Easiest part of body to draw

boobs. sorry eyes <3

13. A creator who you admire but whose work isn't your thing

i cant think of one!!

14. Any favorite motifs

eyes and hearts maybe 🤔

15. *Where* do you draw (don't drop your ip address this just means do you doodle at a park or smth)

usually just in my room! one of the best parts of having a laptop tbh is that i can just draw digitally in my room instead of using the computer in the living room

16. Something you are good at but don't really have fun doing

hmm. thats hard to say! maybe designing characters? i like to think that im pretty alright at making diverse characters, and i do enjoy it when they’re finished, but it takes soooo much of my brain power to do it lol. i love having little guys that i made but its so hard to make little guys!

17. Do you eat/drink when drawing? if so, what

not really tbh KJSHDF i tend to uh forget to eat or drink for long periods when im in The Zone.....dont be like me. have some orange slices

18. An estimate of how much art supplies you've broken

NONE haha digital 4life. i dont use screen tablets so my tablets last foreeeeever.

19. Favorite inanimate objects to draw (food, nature, etc.)

fried eggs :)

20. Something everyone else finds hard to draw but you enjoy

hmmm i cant think of anything. i Can shade black, which my bf struggles with, but its not something i need to do often lol

21. Art styles nothing like your own but you like anyways

i love hyper-stylized art and lineless super colorful art!! theres probably more, thats just off the top of my head

22. What physical exercises do you do before drawing, if any

none 😬 i rawdog it... i do some wrist stretches afterward most times tho

23. Do you use different layer modes

a little bit! mostly overlay + multiply on low opacity. i put them over a finished drawing to make the colors more cohesive!

24. Do your references include stock images

sometimes!

25. Something your art has been compared to that you were NOT inspired by

steven universe omg. like MAYBE back in 2015 or something it contributed to the way i use shapes a little bit but??? like i love the show, ive made fanart n shit! it just didnt contribute to my art style and i used to get that comparison A Lot

26. What's a piece that got a wildly different interpretation from what you intended

i cant think of one! i dont really do conceptual stuff so theres not usually a ton of room for misinterpretation

27. Do you warm up before getting to the good stuff? If so, what is it you draw to warm up with

sometimes i do! my go-to doodles are fried eggs and little cartoony heads, but a warm up for me can even be a fully lined drawing lol

28. Any art events you have participated in the past (like zines)

i participate in art fight every year!! ive been playing since 2018 :)

29. Media you love, but doesn't inspire you artistically

i think all media i love inspires me artistically!! even if it doesnt contribute to my art or anything, anything i love i spend a lot of time thinking about

30. What piece of yours do you think is underrated

um most of them imo AKLJSDHFSJ but thats the price of doing mostly oc art lol... people simply will not see your stuff