#if you are even remotely tirggered by these things DO NOT

[beau-rxvenscxr-blog]

We Are But Dust and Shadows || Self Para

The St. Petersburg Institute - December 5, 2013

It had snowed that morning. Seraphina had been so excited that she’d cut their morning tai chi session off early so she could play in it, much to the chagrin of the gathered crowd. Two seconds of being outside she’d thrown a snowball at his face. Beau had not been amused, but the solid sound of his return throw did a lot to perk up him up though. The fight hadn’t lasted long, the Russian winter was too bitter to stay outside in with snow in your coat; but it had left them laughing and ruddy cheeked all the same. 

“I’m the winner, admit it.”

“You hit me in the face. Once. That hardly counts as winning.”

“You’re just a sore loser, Beau.” Seraphina said, poking him in the chest as she grinned. 

“Fine. You’re the winner. Happy?”

“Hmm. Not yet. You owe me more now. For denying me.” Another tap on his chest and she turned away, her hair fanning out behind her, smacking Beau in the chest. He glared at her, although there wasn’t much more than mild agitation behind it.

“And that would be?”

“For me to know and for you to find out later.” She said, laughing and then disappeared around a corner. Beau didn’t bother to go after her. It’s not like she could go far, or that she would, but he knew he’d never get it out of her if he pushed. He’d learned that lesson many years ago. She’d get too antsy and end up telling him sooner rather than later anyways. 

So he promptly forgot about it. 

It was after dinner when she finally caved.

“Beau. Beau. Are you ready to pay me back yet?” She had burst into his room without knocking, a habit he had tried and failed to break her of over the years. He’d just learned to always be wearing pants. “Of course you are.” She flopped onto his bed, head cradled in her hands. “I want you to be my mission partner tomorrow.”

Beau just started at her, shirt half off. “You realize you’re talking to your parabatai...right? I’m like...always your partner.” She just smiled and Beau rolled his eyes, finally tugging his shirt all the way off.

“I know that, silly.” He rolled onto her back. “But it’s the principle of the matter. Besides, you don’t like it when I spring stuff on you without asking. I was trying to be nice.”

“What’s the mission?”

“Sokolov said there’s been reports of a rouge vampire out north of the city. Been causing havoc with the mundanes. They’ve tried to catch them earlier but they’re slippery. He seems to think we’re more capable.”

“That’s it? One vampire? I’d have more faith in Sokolov’s shadowhunters than that.” A flicker of dread settled in Beau’s stomach but he easily pushed it aside. “Any other intel?”

“Nope. According to daily reports from the local clan leader all vampires in St. Petersburg are accounted for right now. Taras says they run a tight ship over here.” 

Beau liked that idea and he nodded, turning away from Raphi and heading into his bathroom, leaving the door open so they could talk. “Consider me in. I’m always down for a fun game of hide-n-go-seek with a rouge downworlder.”

North of St. Petersburg - December 6, 2013

"By the Angel, Raphi. It’s cold as shit out here. Even a vampire would have to be crazy to be out in this weather.” Beau said, shoving his gloved hands into his pockets and hunching his shoulders. Sure, they were bundled up and had applied warming runes to each other there was no avoiding the bitter bite of the Russian winter. He couldn’t see her face, too wrapped up in her own clothes to see more than her eyes, but Beau would have bet she’d been smiling.

“Vampires can’t feel the temperature as well as we can. I’ll bet we find this sucker in short sleeves and slacks...or maybe nothing at all if mundane police reports are anything to go off of.” She waggled her eyebrows suggestively and Beau rolled his eyes, pulling ahead of her so he wouldn’t have to look at her ridiculous antics any longer. “Hey! Don’t leave me behind! What if I get lost?”

Beau laughed loudly at that and shook his head. “It is physically impossible for you to get lost. You’re like...a walking, talking, map. You’re the person people call when they’re lost. Seraphina scoffed. “Admit it. You know exactly what direction the Institute is and how far away we are.” Raphi kept silent and Beau looked over his shoulder to smirk at her. She stuck out her tongue.

“Shut up, Beaufort.” Raphi said, breezing past him an jogging ahead of him to stand on top of the hill they’d been climbing. “This looks to be the place the mundane police wrote about.” She started looking around all though Beau knew she wouldn’t find much. It had snowed a good deal since that last report. Any evidence left behind would have been buried under the snow long ago.

“Lots of those reports listed this area. I think we should look around. We’re not going to find much up here. Too much snow.”

“Agreed.” Raphi said, nodding her head and heading down the hill away from St. Petersburg. Beau followed. It hadn’t been long when Raphi stopped, Beau pulling to a stop with her without missing a beat. “Footprints.”

“Not many.”

“They sort of...fall off right there under that tree.” Seraphina pointed, her left hand already reaching for her stele. “I think there’s enough to try tracking it.” She didn’t wait for beau to agree, already drawing the tracking rune on her hand and grabbing Beau’s hands. He didn’t need any more push than that to wrap his hands around hers and together they concentrated. The picture came easily, albeit as if they were seeing it through the lens of a very, very old camera.

Beau released her hands and sucked in a breath, doing that always took his away. “We passed that tree ages ago. I recognize it because it’s got that stupid looking dead branch.”

Raphi didn’t wait a second longer, setting a hard sprint back the way they’d came. “Sneaky, fucks. I wonder what a regular shadowhunter would have been able to see if they’d tracked those footprints?” She didn’t wait for Beau to answer, already answering herself. “Probably fuck all. Sneaky.”

Beau let her talk it out, she did her best work when she spoke to herself. He followed her easily, the trip to the tree half a short than it had been coming from it. “Ready?” Beau said, grinning and snapping his bo staff to full length. Raphi answered by drawing her blade.

Neither of them saw it coming.

One minute they were alone and the next moment they were surrounded by the sounds of angry vampires. On instinct Beau stepped just in front of Seraphina, every fiber of his body screaming at him to protect her. Normally she argued, but this time she kept her mouth shut, leaning into him and drawing from him.

Ivan walking from the trees drew a gasp from her. “Ivan?! What are you doing here?”

“Oh. Dear. You seem to be more competent than...the others.” He licked his lips, the growling went up an octave. “I’ve been trying so very hard to keep things under wraps. But you let one fledgling get too excited and it’s all ruined. I’d almost though old Sokolov had given up the reports as rumors. Pity.”

Beau didn’t like where this was going. Every hair on his body was standing on end by now. He gripped his bo staff a little tighter. “What are you talking about Ivan?”

“I’m talking about how I’m going to have to kill you both. Shame. You are quite lovely, Seraphina.” Ivan’s voice was like liquid honey. Beau lifted his staff in front of them, a thin barrier between them and him.

“Killing us will violate the Accords.” Seraphina said.

“Do you honestly think we care about the Accords here, shadowhunter?” Ivan laughed. And then he was moving towards them. Beau managed to stop him...but not the two vampires who had leaped from the side. Raphi managed to stab one through the gut, the other...stabbed her.

Her death was instantaneous.

Beau’s world flashed a brilliant white and he fell to his knees with a gasp. The fight forgotten. The mission forgotten. 

All was forgotten. 

All Beau could process was pain.

The Denver Institute - December 9, 2013

Three days later Beau woke up.

And every day since then he’d wished he’d never opened his eyes. His first conscious breath in felt insufficient, like he couldn’t get enough air into his lungs.

He’d panicked.

His mother’s gentle hands rubbing him on the back brought him back down. It was there, in his mother’s embrace Beau learned the terrible truth. 

Seraphina was dead.

He couldn’t find it in him to cry.

They’d been found on the steps of the Institute. Seraphina lifeless and Beau utterly unresponsive. The Silent Brothers had not expected him to survive the ordeal. They tried, but by day two they told his parents to say their last words to him before he too passed.

He’d surprised them all.

His mother didn’t want him going to funeral. She’d hoped he would sleep through it. But he couldn’t stay away. She was his parabatai. Her family was owed that much out of him. Seraphina was owed that much out of him. So with his mother’s help he put on his white suit and went to stand at her side one last time. Her family was there too, composed as ever. The only sign of their distress the swollen look of their eyes. Nephilim were not immune to the pain of loss, try as hard as they might. Looking at them made the guilt in Beau’s chest tear at him so deeply he struggled to breathe more than he already was.

“Please speak the name of the fallen.”

Beau opened his mouth, it was his right as her parabatai, but all that came from him was a breathless gasp for air. The silence yawned before him and Beau felt as if he had fallen down a well, looking up at the faces of the gathered Nephilim from far below. Then her sister’s voice, clear as day and so achingly familiar and wrong at the same time, “Seraphina Rosewane.”

He couldn’t speak. 

He couldn’t move.

He felt the gentle hands of Seraphina’s father on his shoulder but his legs weren’t responding. All Beau could do was stand there, frozen.

Broken.

In a show of ignoring tradition they allowed him to stand next to her as the Silent Brothers completed the ritual, the skylight creaking open above them as the essence of his best friend, his soulmate, drifted into the stars. He fell to his knees, head dropping between them, mouth opened in a silent scream of loss and pain. 

Seraphina was gone.

Beau didn’t know how long her staid there. He couldn’t feel anything. Hadn’t been able too since he’d woken up only a few hours ago. Out of the blue someone’s hand fell onto his hunched shoulders. Beau didn’t look up at them.

“In time. You will learn how to be whole again.” It was the voice of a Silent Brother, Zachariah if Beau’s memory served.

“I don’t believe you.” Beau gasped, his voice hoarse and broken. Zachariah squeezed his shoulder once and then the hand was gone. 

“I lost my parabatai too. It has taken me many years to learn to breath without Will by my side.”

Beau didn’t know what to say and when he finally looked up at the empty hall Zachariah was gone. Staring out at the empty room Beau was struck by the first concrete feeling he’d felt since waking up.

Revenge.

North of St. Petersburg - December 9, 2013

Vampires didn’t bleed but as Beau stood in what remained of the St. Petersburg clan he couldn’t help but feel like he was drenched in their blood. And he felt alive and amazing. Ivan was on the floor beneath Beau’s feat, a beaten and bloody mess. He’d hidden, the coward, but Beau  had dragged him out so he could watch. So the last thing he saw was the death of what he loved most.

“Ravenscar. Please.”

Beau smiled.

And then he stabbed him through the heart.

The City of Bones - December 10, 2013

"You stand accused of the murder of the St. Petersburg clan.” The Silent Brother’s voice was monotone but Beau could detect a note of disappointment in his voice. “How to you plead?”

“My name is Beaufort Ravenscar.” It felt like knives in his lungs to not answer the question but he wanted to be clear. 

“How do you plead?”

“I would kill them all again, and again, and again if it meant I would be able to bring Seraphina back to my side.” Beau was gripping the soul sword so hard it dug into his palms. The blood dripped slowly down his hands. He couldn’t feel it.

“Beaufort Ravenscar you are hereby found guilty of your crimes.”

And Beau simply couldn’t find it in him to care.