#if u want to turn this into massive feels honestly just him saying 'aeterrno amora' and she's going to show genuine fear for a second

[zorkaya-moved]

❛   you vanished from my life before i ever told you my feelings. and i’ve chased your shadow ever since then.  ❜  :^)

@al-hazen

warning: spoilers for act II of luna gelida story quest. tw: self-harm, ending one's own life in the finale, mentions of blood.

-Oh no, dear judges, I fully admit my guilt. For my sins, I must pay the ultimate price.

You've brought a weapon without their knowledge; they lacked the information of what abilities you possessed and had control over. Your blood dripped down when you brought a blade to your neck, smiling softly yet coldly at them without any fear. You are the lunatic, you are the sinner, you are the traitor, and you are the beast. The shock in their eyes and the scream of fear, of shock, of concern, would echo in the hall. They acted fast as expected, but it was already too late. You've cut your wrists and neck to prove your demise; move along with your plan. You bled onto the floor of the judgment hall. You've heard the voices; you've seen them run to you. You've tried this several times by then. You knew the touch of death and the way it engulfed you.

You wondered if the last one to hold you in the judgment hall was your beloved. You told him that he could execute her with his own hands, but he did not do it, nor did he open the diary given to him? You knew it

You acted like the lunatic they believed you to be. You painted yourself as the villain that made others' blood boil or run cold. You saw fear, and you saw betrayal. You saw pain, and you saw the anger. You've played your role perfectly; you did not wish for them to follow you into the abyssal void. If you must become the biggest sinner to protect the one you care about, the world never mattered anyway.

When they declared your death inside the judgment hall, your body would become too cold to touch to those who cared. And yet, oh, and yet, the shadows engulfed you when they left you alone in the room where it happened to rush towards the house where you lived, someone set it on fire. Your scars disappeared, your wounds disappeared, and your body returned to its original shape. Everything went according to your plan. No one would look at discarded chess pieces.

And you left. The deceased were not supposed to walk; they were supposed to remain. The last light of life left your body in the trial's hall, yet they were rekindled. As the eyes of gold would open, so would the last stage of the plan begin. Death will never accept you. You are Death itself.

Did it make him feel better that she was alive? Did it make him feel worse than she was standing before him? He was smart, smart beyond any measure. His story and his life made it all quite understandable. When others didn't know, she knew. That's why it was almost hard to put on a mask before him once more when she knew how intimately he understood her, knew her, and even loved her. If Akademiya did not dive into the Abyss for the protection of mankind, she would do it only for the sake of one man.

A man with sharp eyes and an even sharper tongue. A man with intelligence and a man with secrets. A man with scars and an ability to move forward. He'd be fine, he had Nahida back, and it meant that she could ask the Dendro Archon to look after him. The talk within the prison walls with Buer was earnest yet quiet, serene yet strict. No promises were made, but Nahida was a kinder soul, an Archon who Akademiya did not deserve for the mistreatment of their god.

Zarina loved Al-Haytham; it was not a lie. If there was anything she would not allow to be sullied, it would be her love for him and her family. There were no excuses made. She did what she had to, and that was it. Progress did not move fast in peace and morality. What she witnessed in the Abyss caused her to rush, to move forward, to reach for anything that'll bring humanity closer to sealing away the Abyss. It must not leak into Teyvat; it must not continue. Her nightmares changed from her own torture to thinking of what would happen if she would not follow through with her plans. Haytham had already lost too much. She would not handle losing him; she knew it all too well.

He wouldn't have accepted what she was doing; she didn't think he would. Not only was it going against Akademiya's rules, but it would also mean that she would not be allowed to continue her studies. Blackmailing Azar worked all too well, but none knew that, nor would anyone ever speak of it. It was an erased knowledge.

Sokolova sighed softly before turning to face the Scribe. The Acting Grand Sage looked as ethereal and mesmerizing in her eyes as he always did. The very man she fell in love with and the very man who she'd allow to take her life without a second guess. It's not time yet; the cycle of life was not re-established yet. Her plan did not yet come to fruition. However, if he spoke to her like this, did he open the diary? The knowledge of everything she'd witnessed in the Abyss, the curse, the knowledge of Khaenri'ah, the detailed descriptions of what she learned about the curse alongside Abyssal power, hierarchy, Abyss Order's establishment... and her farewell letter. A farewell letter of love, not asking for forgiveness but thanking for memories of light and warmth. The very memories that'll keep her from allowing the shadows to eat her alive.

It hurt to put up that distant and soft smile; it hurt to not be in his arms anymore and not wake up next to him. The talk in the jail cell made her think it was done; he cut the ties between them and fully locked her out. So why... Why did he say this? It wasn't supposed to be like this. She'd take all of his hatred and anger, but Al-Haytham's words did not represent resentment or hatred. They were not cold.

Don't say that. She pleads, internally. Don't look at me like this. You're supposed to keep me away. Speak my words with venom, and let me know you'll walk forward.

"Why? That sounds oddly illogical for you, Al-Haytham," she masks her shatters with a chuckle to her tone. There is only a silent prayer he won't notice, he won't push, he won't see the truth. She can lie to the world but hiding from him once already proved to be difficult. She never lied to him, only did not speak the full extent of her truth. She hid, but never lied. Let her sink into the depths of the Abyss to return you to Light. "I thought you made your feelings quite clear in the cell, did you not?"

The mean gleam in her eyes was a lie. The twisted expression as if she would laugh at him was a lie. The hand that was brought up to cover her mouth hid away her trembling lips. She could fool him and make him hate her more... if only he did come to hate her. However, her heart longed for him. Her everything longed to go back to those warm mornings and sweet evenings. He was her dream, her was her everything, he was her heart. But if she would go with him, then it'd be all for naught. All of this play, all of this planning, all of this pain. Who knew that if he were to ask her for a reason with those same eyes, grasping her hand, and tapping into her bottomless love for him... he'd make her stay, make her drop the plans during the trial, and even assist in opening the book of forbidden knowledge. But it didn't happen. It simply did not. As expected.

"The Acting Grand Sage chasing shadows, the most rational and logical man chasing shadows of someone whose death was supposed to seal the deal," she opens her arms, shrugging nonchalantly. If he did read the diary, it could all be such an easy ploy to call out and dissect. All of this play can be destroyed and shattered with a simple quote from the very last page of the diary: Aeterrno amora. One quote and this farce would expose the girl chanting that she must be stronger to protect those she cared about. Stronger than anyone else, stronger than the beast within the Abyss. "Don't chase the shadows, Al-Haytham... But I shall listen to your curses and your sharp tongue. I've lied to the Akademiya for years, so let's hear it. Let me hear the verdict of the final judge. What final punishment do I deserve for the sins committed? I promise that at the end of my journey, I'll come back to bear the consequences."

How thick she laid down the wish to hear the negativity and hatred. Perhaps, his initial words shook her enough to make it sound too obvious. Too obvious that she wanted to hear his venom-laced tongue instead of hearing anything else. If she saw the flame of anger within his eyes like she did in the jail cell, it'd be enough. It'd make her happy. Because he'd be able to move forward and erase such tenderness about her.

But if he didn't... Perhaps, even the apex predator could flee in fear. Or attempt to flee.