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vaguely-concerned · 6 years ago

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I’m back! Temeraire Let’s Read:Tongues of Serpents

- Tharkay literally shows up at the beginning of the second sentence; STRONG start, I highly approve, great improvement on every level

fsdafhsadkjlfh cooly tossing tables and throwing people’s drinks in their faces in the bar brawl fkjsdhfksdalfhasdj this ain’t his first rodeo huh

- these dumbasses having to clean up from the bar brawl before going home so their dragons don’t go out there and demand to have a word with the dudes who bullied their lil boys... oh my g o d

- “it was true, if one wished to be very particular about such things, that laurence was a convicted felon” t e m e r a i r e... ~*technicality schmechnicality*~ it was barely treason at all really

also temeraire being in super protective mother hen/older brother mode over the eggs is perfect

- Jane Rolands bluff, jovial letter writing is Everything

- “Have Temeraire throw him overboard,” Tharkay had suggested laconically, when Laurence had escaped to his quarters for a little relief and some piquet . . . “He can fish him out again later,” he added, as an afterthought.

A VISIONARY. An unmitigated joy. “Have Temeraire throw him overboard”. He says what we’re all thinking.

- AAAAAAAAH MUTUAL FIRST NAME BASIS!!!! THIS IS NOT A DRILL WTF HAVE THEY BEEN DOING ON THIS TRIP TELL ME IN DETAIL WHEN THE SWITCH HAPPENED PLEASE (also I really like that the first instance we see is “But Tenzing, I cannot trust myself” b/c that was literally the whole point of that scene in VoE. laurence... yes you can. tfw your crush is the goodiest of twoshoes and can barely move for it and doesn’t even knoooow)

- y’know if Laurence could get over this thought that asking a direct question to a friend is just ~*intolerably rude*~ he could get so much shit done

(I guess tharkay, clearly a follower of the rosa diaz school of ‘no one is ever going to know shit about me’, is like fuck yeah I’ve struck gold with this one)

- “So spake the pot” oh I do love Actually Pretty Chill Dad William Laurence finally letting the snark out more frequently, it suits him very much (I guess his main claims to fame in a lot of circles is a) treason and b) spoiling his dragon rotten)

- rankin’s name is mentioned and everyone’s like HIIISSSSSSSS and RIGHTLY SO FUCK THAT GUY JUSTICE FOR LEVITAS

- temeraire is talking to the egg about consent and saying he’ll make sure it won’t have to do anything it doesn’t want to fjklsadhfkaslhfsd my heart

- lol lol lol weeeell in hindsight who could’ve guessed captain and second in command of the dragon pirates would have a materialistic superficial kid huh

- . . . Granby said, with a look half affection and half exasperation oh granby baby still carrying that torch huh

- lol lol lol just the implication of sara maden and laurence silently tops up his drink and he’s like ‘cheers’ and they’re both quiet for a moment flskdfs

if you think about it that must’ve been such a wild day in his life tho -- like first Laurence furiously fires him for being gone at a crucial moment and then immediately unfires him when it turns out he’s been chasing a lead and being the only goddamn person really working on solving all their problems (as is his wont), then he finds out his ex is getting married and steadfastly pretends it doesn’t even bother him, lol what are feelings I heard only losers have them (extremely relatable -- I guess he must have known it was in the cards though, because he specifically tells Laurence at the beginning he didn’t intend to go back to Istanbul, so it’s been over for a while?) then they go on a life and death chase through the sewers, and THEN, before he knows it, after half a book of being kind of a mistrustful dick to him, Laurence does a 180° and is there offering eternal friendship with big soulful eyes after seeing him get upset one time and y’know I guess I see why that got to him lol

- aw man I know it’s never going to happen but I am getting sort of wistful and teary-eyed over this pirate (cough cough I mean legally sanctioned privateer of course) AU that’s going entirely to waste

here are some tags I left on this superb piece of fanart: #I just got to the part where tharkay makes the suggestion and like... I know it's not happening #but what a shimmering tender mother of pearl dream to carry in one's heart lol #just a lil pirate family out there wrecking shit #temeraire would get wind of what the east india company actually does and they'd inevitably turn against them and fuck 'em up... *sigh* #fix it fic: the boys kiss and the east india company is stopped from committing further atrocities! all is well

so that’s basically my position on that

- “I’m sure there’s nothing too dangerous out there, in the fucking untamed Australian wilderness,” Temeraire said, tempting fate to a frankly anxiety-inducing extent

- hell yeah demane is the only one with presence of mind to actually find some food; you go buddy <3

- my boy tharkay slinking off in the middle of the night without telling anyone and solving everyone’s problems... *dabs at eyes* just like old times

- oh wow rankin really is just a piece of shit in every way huh

- fhasdklhfsadfsad temeraire being like ‘I know tharkay is a strong independent human who is perfectly capable of making his own decisions and don’t need no dragon... but also he’s clearly one of my humans tho why is he riding on another dragon :(’ THE CUTEST SHIT

- temeraire silently dissing his dad over refusing to believe in ghosts ~*except*~ for the holy spirit adslfhaskjdlhfs

- demane taking in the strange little hatchling... im crey... he truly hits me straight in the heart every time

also laurence steadfastly Doing The Right Thing and following his convictions is so deeply healing after all that bullshit he went through in the last book... makes me feel all safe and calm inside haha

- actually when you think about it it’s so fucked up that they apparently just straight up murder dragons with birth defects in england as a matter of course b/c like. dragons come out of the egg fully sentient and capable of understanding what’s being said around them. kulingile literally understood every word they were saying as they discussed whether or not they should be KILLING HIM. j e s u s thank god for demane and laurence’s stubborn insistence on being good

- temeraire going straight from mother hen to extremely impatient and jealous older brother the moment an egg hatches never gets old. all these dumb little babies just complaining and stealing his crew ugh (HOW FUCKING CUTE is him deciding kulingile could be a scholar or something tho #dragon rights)

- “I wish,” Temeraire said to Laurence, “I do wish that other dragons were not always thinking me peculiar . . . it makes one doubtful.” BABY BOY NOOOO he’s just so sweet and he’s so secretly scared that laurence might resent him a little after the whole treason business and OW right in the parental heart that fucks me up

- Temeraire’s indignant “Oh!”s always soothe my soul it’s so adorable

- little emily roland yelling “damn you all for cowards!” after a bunch of grown men fleeing while she reloads her gun and takes aim again is incredible poetic cinema (and also demane joining her... I love the bond they’ve got going on in the background here)

- aw poor sipho :( at least he still has temeraire to nerd out with and stuff but that’s some difficult shit to process for a kid

kulingile bobbing around tethered to temeraire like a small balloon at a fair is such an image, what a blessing, temeraire’s exasperated brand of babysitting is so funny

- laurence being a Dad to the kids in his crew... mana from heaven

- YESSS they crossed the endless miles of DEADLY AUSTRALIAN WILDERNESS so laurence could be MORTIFIED as the emperor’s adopted son at a party this is the content I am here for

- hell yeah let’s play a round of pimp my captain!!!!!!!!!!

“And,” Laurence said. “And you are certain that this should be appropriate for the occasion; not, perhaps, excessive?” I can’t b r e a t h e he can’t even say shit because his dragon boi is so happy fsaldfjsldhfasjlh and then granby making fond fun of him what a beautiful cherry on top of this sweet sweet laurence being embarrassed sundae

- william ‘I’m here to kick ass and describe menswear in fastidious detail and I’ve already kicked my own ass twice today’ laurence strikes again

- this description of the dragons sitting around squabbling as they watch shiny sparkly things is the most endearing few pages in modern literature do not @ me

- it’s kind of fucked up that the emperor of china is giving laurence more of the sort of warmth and validation a father should than his actual dad ever did lol. u did good curing the dragon plague, weird european adopted son I am proud of you

- every time temeraire is really upset about something my soul suffers a small wound

thank god he doesn’t actually know what opium is really used for most of the time yet (also I am obligated to divulge that I am entirely charmed by tharkay’s sardonic yet clear eyed cynicism on the issue, I cannot be anything but what I am and he hasn’t had enough proper page time in this half of the book so I will take what I can get)

- ...I kind of just realized that I imagine the sea serpents basically as long-ass gyaradoses... OH NO

I will say I respect the ‘give no fucks’ vibe they give off -- it’s a real ‘we’re here to eat fish & party and if you try to get in our way we’re gonna have you as a snack’ mood and I cannot fault them for it

- iskierka is such a fuckboi it’s glorious

- nOOOOOO tharkay is leaving again fuck ;_______; is his life just an endless procession of semi-unwillingly having to go back to istanbul again these days

Temeraire did not see why Tharkay should have to go so far, only to deliver news; and particularly when he did not seem as though he wished to go, very much. DDDDDDDD: THIS SUCKS you know that when a) he’s letting it show and b) temeraire notices it that he is dragging his heels big time over this lol

‘there can be very little to call you back to this part of the world any time soon’ LAURENCE YOU 24 KARAT IDIOT YOU ARE HERE HE CAME TO AUSTRALIA FOR YOU ALREADY WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS

all that said whenever I see a ‘Tenzing’ on the page my heart does a happy little dance. ah well now let’s settle in and wait for what horrible catastrophe will happen now that tharkay is gone... come back soon buddy

- ooooooooooooh that is so good, using the last chapter + epilogue to show how the... idk moral wound I guess laurence received victory of eagles has finally healed, that’s so reassuring. he just wants to do good things for good causes and can’t be badgered, cajoled, threatened or convinced to do anything less anymore and it’s all so sweet and well earned. that’s some good development through this book too, from ‘tenzing I cannot trust myself’ to this. excellent stuff

- while I did quite enjoy this book for the character moments it is incredibly weirdly structured? like the beginning drags a bit with the quite uninteresting colony politics and stuff but then they’re finally travelling and then... nothing really happens plot wise before the sea serpents freak the fuck out at the end there lol. I’m mostly a character-oriented reader tho so I’m pretty fine with it.

ETA: actually now that I think about it I’d say that my biggest gripe with this book is that it doesn’t engage at all with the perspective of the native australian people? even though one of the dragons settles down with one group? god knows it’s not like there was no time to dive into it, considering all that time spent in the fucking wilderness lol

we’re going to the inca empire next tho apparently fuck YEAH!!! that’s such an underexplored and extremely interesting part of history, my body is Ready

#temeraire #tongues of serpents #his majesty's dragon #meta #back again after a brief pause! still crying a lot about tharkay! the more things change huh

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ioncewroteadream · 8 years ago

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Beat of My Heart, Rhythm of My Soul

In which Isak is a rapper, Even directs, and two boys fall in love.

Isak doesn’t know how it’s gotten to this. How he’s gone from just a boy in high school, messing around with his friends and freestyling here and there to this. A nineteen-year-old something in a meeting with a bunch of men in suits, discussing things like albums and PR and security detail. He looks over to Jonas and can’t help but give him an incredulous look of how the fuck and what the fuck. It’s completely surreal. Of course he knows how it happened. It was a lot of fun and work and fighting. Maybe he’s just wondering why it’s happening. Why them? Whatever the reason, he’s so grateful.

“So for the music videos, I was thinking we bring on Even to direct. He’s not a professional or anything, but the stuff he puts out is incredible and I really think his work really fits in with our aesthetic. I sent Christian some links the other day.” Magnus looks directly at their manager with a bright smile, who in turn glances around at the other men uncomfortably.

“Well, he’s certainly good. But we’re not too sure about working with someone so green. He has no representation or credibility in the industry. Really, I think you’d be better off with one of our guys. I can send you all some examples of things they’ve done - “

“If Magnus says he’s good then we’re going to use him.” Mahdi cuts in. Trust Mahdi to stop the bullshit. The boys have been relying on Magnus with their visuals from the beginning of this whole thing. Surprisingly, he’s incredibly skilled when it comes to cinematography. Isak nods along, because he trusts his boys. The older man gives a resigned sigh.

“Alright, if you insist. I’ll see what I can do, but in the meantime, take a look at our guys. I think that’s it for today. If all is good, I’ll be seeing you boys in a week or so just before the shoot. I might check in on the next recording too, but Finn should have that covered regardless.” Isak isn’t sure if he likes how Magnus was brushed off a little, but just shakes hands with them and lets himself be ushered out.

“So, uh, gutta, I’ve never actually seen this Even guy’s stuff before.” Magnus scoffs loudly next to his ear.

“Do you ever check the group chat? I’ve been talking about him for weeks.”

“Nah, he’s been holed up in the studio with Finn. Writing. You know, like actually doing his job. Instead of jacking off to some random YouTube director.” Jonas is an angel and Isak thanks whatever higher power that brought them together, daily. “Besides, this is exactly what I was talking about when they first wanted to sign us. First they take away our creative control, and then we’re singing fucking pop songs about love and brainwashing the youth. We’re being played right into their corporate game.”

“Oh fuck off, you weren’t complaining when their corporate money saved our asses from getting evicted.” They push each other, and it’s not malicious at all. Jonas goes on these tirades at least twice a week and Magnus always argues back. Mahdi hangs back and smirks at Isak and gets a small close lipped grin. Isak shakes his head still smiling, watching the other two play-fight ahead of them.

“You really should check his videos out, though. Mags is right. The guy is good at his shit. And, I know you’re busy or whatever. They’re putting a lot of pressure on you. But, uh, hang out with us sometimes, kay? We forget what your ugly ass looks like” Isak smacks the back of Mahdi’s head and lets out a laugh at the boy’s face.

“I’ll have you know that my ugly ass can still get more girls than you and I’m not even into that shit.” He makes a mental note to actually chill with the boys more often.

---

Magnus: www.youtube.com/user/evenbn Bc u aren’t a good frnd and im a gr8 1 Mahdi: holy shit why can’t you type like a normal person? Jonas: haha You suck a ttping *at typing Magnus: dnt bully me and u cant type either Isak: Thx for the link. With Finn rn but I’ll check it out later. Magnus: does Isak have a thing w Finn????? Hes always w him. Jonas: Finn is married. To a woman. And he’s 40. Mahdi: so close to kicking you out of the group

---

Writing is exhausting. Physically and mentally. Every song Isak has ever written is an extension of himself. The words he can’t say and doesn’t know how to say all out there on paper, waiting for a melody to carry it out to people who pretend to understand what he feels. His inability to vocalize his thoughts seem to disappear when he’s rapping, though. He’s an entirely different person when he’s rapping. He’s confident and strong and willing to express himself in ways that the real Isak has no clue how to.

It was his rap persona that gave him the confidence to come out to his friends. He wrote the song and recorded it by himself on his shitty laptop. Played it for them three months after it was finished. It took a long time for him to release the track. To be comfortable with himself, despite how easily everyone else seemed to accept it. But then he did it, and it propelled them further than they ever thought they could go. Suddenly everyone knew them and their songs were everywhere. The radio, in stores. Random people would stop them for selfies. And then there was the record deal. An actual company wanted them. These four boys who made music on the weekends, fucking around in their basements.

Isak lay back on his bed, staring up the ceiling, willing the loneliness that he sometimes feels to just go away. He’s becoming more and more successful, and relationships are becoming more and more fake. Sighing, he opens his phone, and deletes the numbers of people just trying to get another zero on their follower count. No need for people like that in his life. Then he finally opens the link Magnus sends him. There are about twenty videos, all of them titled strange hipster things. He can’t decide which one to watch so he taps on the first one.

---

Isak: nobody told me he was a fucking genius. Magnus: THAT’S EHAT IVE BEEN SAYING BOI LIKE I CREI EVERTIM Jonas: Ikr dude’s like a prodigy or something. I was talking to him back at Karl’s party. Graduated from Bakka, doing media studies at UiO. Top of his class and everything. Isak: wait are you guys friends? How come I haven’t met him? Mahdi: you would if you came out to parties with us Isak: your tone seems very pointed right now. Mahdi: :P Jonas: well you’re going to have to meet him when we do the shoot. He’s going to Stockholm for an award thing Magnus: try not to get too gay for him. He’s rlly hot and I heard he had a gf so Jonas: MAGNUS WTF Mahdi: MAGS U CANT SAY THAT no fucking tact with this guy Isak: that’s ok I’ll try to keep my gay on the dl if Mags does too. Sounds like the poor boy has a crush <3 Jonas: fucking savage dude Magnus: NOT GAY Not that it’s a bad thing. But im not. Mahdi: whatever you say man

Isak is too tired for this shit and would like to sleep thank you very much. So he definitely does not stay up watching every video on Even’s channel until he falls asleep.

---

even_bn: Hey Isak from Opprør, right? isakyaki: hi. yeah I’m Isak even_bn: Awesome. I’m a big fan :) isakyaki: same I mean, I saw ur stuff. Really good. even_bn: Really good? Be still my beating heart. What a compliment ;) isakyaki: I really really like it. Happy? even_bn: Very

---

The first day of the shoot finds Isak nervously pacing in an empty room he found. He’s not nervous, it’s just that he spent the entire week watching and re-watching everything Even posted. Instagram posts, tweets, interviews. Everything. They talked a lot too. Random posts sent over dms. Every time he got a notification, his heart would jump, every message eliciting the tiniest of fond smiles. And Magnus was right. Even is hot. And beautiful. He’s open and happy and Isak just really wants to know what his lips feel like.

So, no, he’s not nervous. He’s just…fuck it, he’s nervous.

“Isak, Christian’s got the director in the 7th floor meeting room, they want you there.” Isak nods and follows the woman out to the elevators. He’s got this. He can do this without royally fucking up. It’s just a guy. He can do this. Except he can’t and he’s ready to turn back when the rest of the boys round the corner, greeting him with shouts of his name. The door next to him opens and Christian pats his shoulder.

“Come in. We were just talking about some backup locations.” Isak looks into the room, and his breath stops for a second. Even is really tall. Like taller than Isak tall. And Isak is not short. At all. The second thing he notices is just how bright that smile is. It’s almost blinding, and Isak wonders if he just hands out smiles like that as if it were nothing.

“Halla boys. Good seeing you again. And it’s really good to finally meet you in person, Isak.” All at once he’s staring into the sun and Isak loses his words. Thankfully Even doesn’t seem to notice and shakes his hand, smiling down at him. Even looks up at the rest of the guys, not letting go of Isak’s hand, ignoring Isak’s beet red face.

“Thanks for bringing me on. It’s going to be fucking awesome.” With that he lets go and Isak can breathe again. The room gets a little dimmer when Even walks away, but Isak has space to think and what he doesn’t think about is the looks the boys are sending his way.

“So, I think we’re going with the darker approach for this particular song. I’ve got an image of what I want, but, it’s your song, so feel free to ask to change things or tell me if you’re uncomfortable. I want to make this something we’re all proud of.” They all head to wardrobe, animatedly talking about the shoot ahead.

---

“That’s a wrap on everyone, but Isak. Great work guys.” Even beckons him closer and Isak most certainly does not eagerly run up to him. It’s more of a smooth, quick saunter. Yep.

“Hei.” Even nods, trapping his tongue between his teeth for a moment. Isak is transfixed.

“We’ve just got a few close ups left and you should be good to go.” The way Even looks into Isak’s eyes burns him a little and Isak can’t hold the man’s gaze for very long. “But, uh, you seemed kind of out of it. Is everything ok? Or did you want to change things?”

“No, no. It’s just some stuff. I actually love what you’re doing with the video. You already know I like your movies.” Even’s impossibly close and the way he angles his head down makes Isak want things.

“I’m glad.”

“Even, there’s a bit of a technical issue. We’re going to need a couple hours to get back on track.” They both jump apart, forgetting that there were, in fact, other people around them.

“Shit. Ok. Everyone who doesn’t need to be here can go get lunch or just chill until we can get started again.” His hand finds Isak’s elbow. “Wanna grab lunch with me, then?” Even is a confident man. He doesn’t even wait for Isak’s answer, just walk away and expects Isak to follow. And, yeah. He does.

---

“So the song, Frelser. It’s really intense.” They’re sitting in a small café, and Isak is about to take a bite of the most perfect sandwich he’s ever seen. Deciding that not grossing Even out is probably better than talking through a mouth full of food, he puts it back down and opts for a quick sip of his tea instead.

“Yeah. It’s about my mom and like dealing with the shit life does to you. Saving yourself because no one else will. Pretty personal.” Even, apparently is not as considerate as Isak and continues to talk with bits of chewed bread falling back onto his plate. Isak shouldn’t think it makes him even more attractive, because it’s actually really gross. And on anyone else, he’d be repulsed. But everything about Even is kind of endearing. Isak has had enough gay experience to know when someone’s interested, and he’s almost certain that Even is interested. So he excuses it, because here’s a gorgeous boy who doesn’t seem to care that he’s sort of famous, and he’s interested.

“That’s tough. Like, that one line about angels being demons with better stories? Had me all kinds of fucked up.” Isak chuckles darkly. Because it was tough. He briefly remembers plates smashing against the wall behind his head. Bible verses shouted at the top of her lungs. He remembers his head being forced down into a full bathtub and his father coming home almost too late. It was fucking tough.

“It was tough. My mom. She, uh, she’s schizophrenic. Didn’t want to get help. And my dad left, so I had to deal. Fucking sucked, being 16 and having to be the parent all the time. But she’s my mom. I love her even if she’s insane.” Isak’s eyes widen in horror, because he certainly wasn’t planning on telling Even about his tragic past. He just has to scare off the one guy who actually seemed to like Isak for who he is. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to put that on you.”

Even’s hand covers Isak, but he doesn’t look up from his plate. “I’m the one who asked. You have nothing to apologize for.” Isak kind of just wants to kiss him because who the hell responds like that? “Insane,” Even mumbles more to himself than Isak. Suddenly, both of their phones go off.

“That’s us then.” Isak has to try really hard not to reach out to hold his hand on the way back.

---

even_bn: Romeo + Juliet isakyaki: what? even_bn: my favorite movie. I forgot to tell you. You know, when I teaching you what good movies are. isakyaki: oh my god. I can’t talk to you anymore. Romeo and Juliet. Fucking chick flick even_bn: I think you mean cinematic masterpiece. Don’t be so mean. Baz wouldn’t treat me like this. isakyaki: Baz? even_bn: Baz? Baz Lurhmann? Greatest director of our time? I don’t think we can do this anymore if you don’t even know this much. isakyaki: yeah well you can go talk to Baz if I’m so bad at it Pretentious fucker;) even_bn: ;)

---

Magnus: so I heard smth from an intern. Isak? Its about u Mahdi: if you’re going to gossip, you better provide. Jonas: yeah, don’t tease us. Magnus: Our lovely little Isak was wth EBN at a café. There are pics. All over twitter. I didnt no he was gay too. Thot he had a gf? Jonas: ppl can like girls AND boys dickwad Mahdi: honestly idk why we even put up with you Magnus: lol u luv me Isak: gf? Jonas: pretty sure he’s single. Don’t worry, man. You like him though? Isak: it was just lunch. Something happened with the cameras so we had free time. Mahdi: still didn’t answer the question Magnus: dude get it Isak: … Magnus: <3 Isak: you’re so gay

---

Isak isn’t avoiding him. Really. He isn’t. He’s just extremely busy. He’s trying new things on the studio and it’s really eating up his social life. So when his phone starts blowing up with notifications from Even, he’s feels a little guilty. He can’t just send him a funny post and go back to how things were, because now he’s certain that he’s feeling things and he doesn’t know if he can trust himself not to fuck up.

His phone buzzes again on his chest and he’s tempted to ignore it, except he’s actually expecting a call.

“It’s Isak.”

“Halla to you too.” There’s a laugh in the deep voice that Isak was not expecting to hear.

“Even?”

“You remember me? Today must be my lucky day.”

“I don’t think I gave you my number.”

“Oh. Yeah. I hope you don’t mind, I asked Jonas for it. I can, like, delete it if me having it makes you uncomfortable. We can go back to dms on Instagram, if you want.” Isak’s pretty sure he’s falling for him. How is he even real?

“Nei!” Definitely does not shout into the phone. Nope. “I mean. I just didn’t know you wanted to talk to me.”

“Oi, don’t give me that. You basically ghosted me. I’m very sad, Isak.” God, his name never sounded better.

“I was busy in the studio. Besides, shouldn’t you be, like, editing or something? You go to school.”

“I’m pretty sure ignoring me after a date is the definition of ghosting. And, ugh, don’t even talk to me about school. I’m so done. Just hire me as your fulltime music video director. Let me mooch off of you.” He can’t help the giggles that bubble out of him.

“What happened to the film prodigy the guys told me about? You sound like a lost cause. But, I’m nothing if not kind, so I guess we can bring you on for now.” And then it hits him. “Wait, date? It was a date?”

“Well yeah. What did you think it was?” There’s a tingling sensation in his fingertips and his stomach rolls pleasantly. A date.

“I don’t know. A friendly lunch?”

“Isak, herregod, the entire internet could see it was a date. Did you really think I want friendly lunches? Was I not clear enough? You’re so cute. What the fuck.” Isak isn’t sure how to respond. Even’s breathing heavy from the other side and holy shit they’re having this conversation.

“Um,” he coughs. And sniffs. He can’t help that his throat’s gone dry. “I think you are too. Cute, I mean.”

“So, you wanna go out again? On a date. Preferably as soon as we can.” Isak almost forgets everything that was stressing him out earlier. He’s giddy like a little girl right now and can’t find it in him to hide it.

“Tomorrow? A less friendly lunch?”

“Maybe a little friendly? I’m not exactly ready to brawl with you, you know.”

“Oh my god, bye Even.” If Isak smiles at his ceiling all night, no one has to know.

---

The next day started with a bang. Literally.

“OH MY GOD ISAK WHAT THE FUCK!” With a speed he didn’t know he possessed, Isak scrambled out into the hall to see what happened. He looked around, but nothing was out of the ordinary. Confused, he wandered into the kitchen. Shattered glass covered the floor, but none of it seemed to bother the maniacally grinning Eskild, furiously typing on his phone.

“Eskild, it’s literally 7 in the morning, what is wrong with you?” He hopes Eskild can hear just how grumpy he is.

“My dear Isak. My little gay baby Jesus. How could you not tell me about your new boyfriend?” Boyfriend? What the fuck?

“Eskild, I have no idea what you’re talking – “

“Save it. My sweet gay rap god has a hot boyfriend, and he hasn’t even told me? Why would you keep this a secret from your guru?” Eskild probably gets off on how many times a day he can make Isak squirm. That has to be it.

“Eskild I don’t have a boyfriend.”

“Then what is this?” He pushes his phone in Isak’s face. It takes him a moment for his to adjust to the harsh light from the screen. It was a picture of them eating the day of the shoot. Isak is almost embarrassed at how smitten he looks.

“He directed the music video. It was just lunch.” He does his best to keep his voice even.

“Ok. Just lunch. Go back to bed, smelly baby.” Isak rolls his eyes and starts to make himself a cup of coffee, narrowly avoiding a particularly jagged shard of glass. He’s thankful that Eskild knows when to stop pushing. Most of the time.

“But, um. We sort of have a thing? Like. I mean, we’re going on a date tonight.” Isak owes Eskild a lot, so if telling him makes him happy, then Isak gladly does it. Eskild’s eyes shine with something Isak can’t really decipher, and he’s pulled into a bear hug.

“You have no idea how good it feels to hear you say that. Especially after Nasir. I’m so proud of you.” There’s a lump in Isak’s throat as he tightens his arms around the older male. He remembers how bad his first breakup was. And how loving his roommate was while his whole world was crashing down. Eskild was Isak’s family, and there's nothing he wouldn’t do for him.

“Now,” Eskild forces them apart to take a look at Isak. “What are we going to do with this mess? It takes time to create a masterpiece, my little diamond in the rough.” They laugh at each other, ignoring the tears that liberally stream down their faces.

“Shut up, I’m not that bad.”

---

“Are you…is that mascara?” Isak ducks behind his menu. “Oh my god, it is! You got all done up for me. You’re so cute, Isak.”

“Ugh, my roommate wouldn’t let me leave if I didn’t let him get me ready.”

“You’ll have to thank them for me. It’s really hot.” Even leans in, voice silky, sultry, and low.

“Bet you’d look even hotter with eyeliner.” Isak can’t help his surprised sputter, and ends up choking on his saliva. Even throws his head back in laughter.

“Kill me now. Please.” He’s only sort of serious. The sight of Even being so open and beautiful strikes Isak, and not for the first time, he wonders what he did to deserve the attention of this man. This gorgeous man, that Isak is sure he’s falling for.

He hasn’t let himself feel so deeply for someone since he was his ex. Nasir. He used to be unable to even think his name, but he’s grown up a lot since then. They had it rough, two boys deep in the closet, weighed down by the expectations of their families. The way they ended, pulled apart and beaten when Nasir’s brother walked in on them, it was soul crushing. But now, as he’s sitting at the table, openly flirting and laughing with Even, Isak thinks he can allow himself this.

“So, why rap?”

“It was just a hobby that took off. Jonas was always good at music. And I can’t sing for shit.” Even does that thing where his eyes disappear and his smile takes up his entire face. Isak’s heart stutters and he grins shyly back. “Why directing, then?”

It takes Even a moment, but he answers more seriously than their conversation has been. “I think... that life is like a movie. And that you can be the director of your own life. But life also kind of happens and you can’t always be in control. I like control. Directing gives me that. And I can’t act for shit.” Isak reaches out to pat Even’s hand but allows Even catch his fingers.

“Wanna get out of here?”

“I thought you’d never fucking ask.”

---

Isak: is it possible to miss someone, even if you’ve spent all day with them? Even: are you saying you miss me? I miss you too. Isak: no I was talking about the other guy I’m seeing. Even: ok but I still miss you. Isak: me too. Btw I was only kidding. I’m only seeing you. Even: good. I want you all to myself. Isak: … can you come over. Even: now? Isak: home alone. Even: be there in 15

---

Isak watches Even get out of a taxi from his window and books it to the door. He throws it open before Even’s even touched the doorbell. They stand there for a moment, chests heaving slightly, eyes wild with want.

Then, the silence snaps and their ears are ringing and they’re all over each other. Hands reaching for anything, everything. Desperate. Isak lets Even take control of their kiss, allowing the older man to devour him. Clothes fly off and Isak laments for a second, because he knows he’s not going to pick any of it up until well after his roommates come back. But he can’t find it in himself to care and pulls Even into his room.

He’s kissing up Even’s neck, tearing the layers off him. He touches Even like he’s starving. And in a way, he is. The man lets out the most beautiful sounds and Isak is in awe. He’s ethereal. Pale, lightly freckled and smooth. Isak lets his hands wander the contours of Even’s lean body, pausing to pick at his belt.

“Isak Valtersen, you get that perky little ass out here, right now.” His hands freeze, and he drops his head on Even’s shoulder. He groans and burrows his face further into the crook of Even’s neck, letting out a quiet faen when he feels Even’s body shake with laughter. He grabs a hoodie off his floor and shimmies into his pjs before heading out, hoping Even has the sense to stay in his room. He doesn’t.

“Eskild, what do you want?” The man is running around, picking up the clothes that Isak knew would come back to bite him in the ass. “What I want is for you to not leave all your shit lying around all the time. I am not your –” Eskild finally looks up, and by the look on his face, it’s clear he wasn’t expecting Even to be there. “Oh. Hello. Who’s this lovely man?” His shift from murderous to flirty probably should be concerning, but Isak just rolls his eyes.

“Sorry, won’t happen again. This is Even. He’s, um, the director I was telling you about.” It’s rushed but he just wants to go back to his room and cuddle with Even, and maybe mourn the loss of the mood.

Even has better manners than Isak could hope for, and reaches around Isak to shake Eskild’s hand. “Nice to meet you. You did great job with Isak’s makeup.” Of course he’s a charming little fuck. Eskild is positively preening from the compliment.

“My baby gay is so lucky. Cute and charming. What a catch. I’ll let you two get back to it.” Isak huffs, and starts to walk away but Eskild clears his throat and he turns back, only to get a face full of clothes. Even chuckles and pulls Isak into a hug, lips skimming his ear.

“Not what I expected out of tonight, but I can’t say I’m disappointed.”

“Ugh, can we just go to bed? I mean, unless you want to go home.” Even holds Isak’s face, and smiles down at him before kissing him sweetly.

“Does it seem like I want to go home right now?” Isak just tilts his head back, eyelids hooded. Even smiles into the kiss, slowly backing them into Isak’s room.

---

Jonas: so ur officially fucking our director? Nice, man. He’s good looking. Isak? Dude? You know none of us care right. We’re happy for you. But if you wanna talk, I’m here. Isak: sry with Even rn. Thanks Jonas. Love you man. Jonas: you’re so gay Love you too.

---

The next shoot is a lot easier. The song is fun. A summer anthem. So they’re kind of just chilling. There’s a pool set and beautiful people. Even wanted them to ‘exude youth and sex and fun’ and Isak just wants fun sex with his young boyfriend. Who didn’t show up today. So there’s that.

“Magnus, leave the girls alone, please.” He’s talking to a group of girls in bikinis and flips Isak off, but follows him to the other boys anyway.

“Bro, they were totally into me. Why you gotta be so rude.” He sings in English, and Isak responds with a scoff and his signature eye roll.

“Whatever, we’re about to film the last bit, so like. We need you.”

“Uh-huh. You sure you’re not moody because your boyfriend isn’t here.”

“No. And I’m sure he’s just on his way.” Isak frowns, checking his phone again before the assistant director calls them to film.

There aren’t any notifications.

---

“Isak!” He’s about to open his door when Even’s voice makes him stop. “Babe! What’s up?” There’s a buzz in his voice that that confuses Isak a little.

“Even, what the fuck? Where were you? We had to shoot without you.” Even wraps his arms around Isak, crushing him to his chest.

“I’m sorry baby, I just had to do this thing. I swear, I let everyone know.”

“Everyone but me?” His voice is slightly muffled, but Even can hear the hurt clearly.

“Hey, it wasn’t on purpose. I just had to get out for a project, and I didn’t think it was going to take as long as it did. I thought they’d tell you. I’m so sorry.” Isak nods, trying to understand Even’s million mile per minute explanation. He pecks the corner of his mouth, and turns to open the door.

“Missed you, though.”

---

“Isak, he’s so hot. You better watch out, or I’ll steal your man.” Eva’s batting her eyelashes and Isak would probably be jealous if he wasn’t so sure about Even.

“Oi he’s mine, bitch.” They grin at each other, before Eva calls over the rest of the girls. If he weren’t so happy and drunk right now he might be bothered. But his boyfriend is on the other side of the room, laughing and dancing around with his friends, and Isak can’t find a single thing to complain about.

These last few weeks, Isak thinks has been the happiest he’s been in a long time. They wrapped up shooting today and decided to throw a party to celebrate. That and he wanted to show off his gorgeous boyfriend to the rest of his friends. He looks around at the girls joking and talking around him, and back to his man and everything feels right.

“You picked a good one. Did you know he’s read the entire Qur’an in Arabic? It’s nice to talk to someone who understands.” Isak turns to look at Sana, eyebrows raised.

“Actually, no. He never told me about it. But, yeah. He’s great.” He really is. Isak is finally letting himself fall and he’s never felt freer.

---

Isak loves sleep. Like really loves sleep. So he’s not too happy when he wakes up at 2:43 am because someone can’t stop pacing and holy shit Even can you just stop.

“Even. Can you, like, come back to bed?”

“Not now. I have…there’s just so much I need to do. Can’t stop thinking.” Isak wonders, not for the first time, if Even’s been taking something.

“Can you at least think in bed? I’m so tired.” Even crawls on top of him, grinding his hips lightly into Isak, erection pressing into him.

“There are a lot of other things I’d rather do in bed.” His voice is hot and heavy in Isak’s ear and suddenly he’s a lot more awake.

“Oh god, get in me, baby.”

Isak doesn’t get that much sleep that night, but he doesn’t mind.

---

Isak: Morning <3 How was your final? Christian is riding my ass about this track. I just wanted to add one more song :( Even? Baby are you ok? I’m worried. Call me please.

---

“Wrote a song.” Isak wrinkles his nose as Even blows a puff of smoke into his face.

“Yeah?” They’re cuddled up in Isak’s bed, wearing nothing but boxers. They’ve spent the whole weekend holed up in his room, smoking and talking and fucking. Isak thinks if he could spend the rest of his life like this, he would die happy.

“Yeah. But I’m, um, singing in this one.” Even sits up and squints incredulously at him.

“What? You? Singing? What happened to ‘can’t sing for shit?’” Isak scrambles up to straddle Even’s lap and steals the joint from Even’s fingers.

“I’m not that bad. I may have stretched the truth a little.” He leans forward to peck Even quickly. He stares at him for a moment, not sure how to say what he wants to. “It’s…um. It’s for you. The song.”

He thinks he might have broken Even. The older man just looks at him like Isak is some sort of mythical creature. Slowly, his hands travel up to cradle Isak’s face.

“How are you so perfect? Huh? How can one person be so fucking beautiful and good to me?” His voice is barely a whisper, eyes molten with something Isak doesn’t know how to describe. He thinks it might be too early to say it, but he’s feeling it. Love rolling off them in waves. When they kiss it’s like everything colliding and stillness all at once. It’s the easiest thing in the world, and so earth shattering. Isak thinks he can feel Even down to his bones.

“I love you.” Even closes his eyes and shudders a breath against Isak’s collarbone.

“Love you too. So much.”

---

It’s Saturday when everything gets fucked.

They’ve been promoting the album, doing random interviews and guest appearances everywhere. Isak, quite frankly, is exhausted. But he lets himself be convinced to go to Even’s friend’s party because they haven’t properly seen each other for a whole two days and Isak was getting used to waking up with Even in his bed.

The other boys have decided to skip the pregame and join him for the party later. So Isak ends up waiting at the unfamiliar at the door alone, the promise of Even on the other side.

“Hey, uh, Isak right?” The man at the door is about the same height as Isak, sparse moustache and straggly hair framing his friendly face. Isak nods, mentally cursing Even for not telling him whose house he was at beforehand.

“Is Even here already?” His eyebrows furrow.

“No, he said he couldn’t make it. Did he not tell you?”

“I was busy all day, and my phone’s dead. I probably missed his messages.” Isak starts to turn around, but feels a hand on his shoulder.

“You can stay if you want. We’d love to chill with the guy who stole Even from us.” There’s a laugh in his voice but Isak is already miles away. It’s not the first time Even’s disappeared on him, but there’s something wrong and Isak does his best to maintain a straight face.

“Um. Thanks. Maybe next time? I think I’ll sit this one out. Thanks again, though.” Isak waits until he’s heard the door close to pull out his phone. Even hasn’t texted him once. His hands start to shake and he doesn’t know what to do or where to go.

Isak: Even, what’s going on? Your friend said you cancelled on him.

Isak: have you guys heard from Even? Jonas: no Isn’t he supposed to be at the pregame? Mahdi: I haven’t either. Isak: he’s not here. Magnus: guys Get to Eva’s place. Like right now. Isak: is he there? Magnus: yeah. Fuck. Get here fast man

So Isak runs. Faster than he’s ever run before. His heart is pounding in his ears, tears streaming down his face. He doesn’t know what to expect but he just knows it won’t be good.

Please be okay.

---

“Who's fucking kid is that?” Even’s eyes are wild, not really seeing him. He’s rocking a baby in his arms, whispering to it softly. They’re standing in Eva’s bedroom. Vilde had seen Even walking around with a baby and brought him to the only place she knew they’d be safe.

“Isn’t he beautiful, Isak? I just had to take him. Had to save him. You’re going to be such a good dad.” His voice was all wrong. Too excited, too…much. Isak could feel tears stinging in his eyes again. His heart breaks in the silence. The tiny whimpers from the child are deafening and he needs to walk away. But he also needs his man, his boy. The one he loves so much, to be ok. And he’s not.

“Even,” his voice comes out in a broken whisper. “Where did you get the baby from?”

“I told you, silly boy, I took him. His parents left him all alone. And I needed to save him, before something could happen to him. Isn’t that, right? We’re going to take such good care of you,” Even’s attention is back on the baby, rubbing its back and cooing at it. “Come meet your other daddy.” He’s closed the distance between them, gently placing the baby into Isak’s limp arms.

“Support his head.” Even adjusts Isak’s arms, but Isak can’t stop looking at him. “Just like that. Isn’t our boy the most perfect thing you’ve ever seen?” It feels like a cruel joke. He’s seen this exact scene in his head so many times. A dream of the future he wants with Even. Now it feels tainted. Ugly. Whose kid is this? He wants to kick and scream and sob but Even just kept looking at him with those eyes. The eyes that don’t belong to his boyfriend, but the sincerity in them is so familiar. It’s the same intense stare that told him he didn’t have to apologize for his past. The same earnest gaze that he couldn’t look away from, the first time they had sex. The watery blue that blinked back tears when they first said I love you.

“Oh, Even.” Isak can’t hold back anymore and can barely speak. “We need to get him back to his parents. They must be so worried.” The baby’s fallen asleep but Isak can’t bear to look at it. Him.

“No, no. We can’t let them take him. They don’t care Isak. We have to hide him. Keep him safe from them. The parents. The government. They’re all going to hurt him. You have to trust me.” Even’s suddenly prying the child out of Isak’s arms, and runs to look out the window, only to duck beneath the frame.

“Isak, it’s all over the news. Someone saw Even take the baby. They’re looking for him.” Vilde’s at the door, eyeing Even warily, voice low enough that only Isak can hear her.

“I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what’s wrong with him.”

---

Magnus, fucking Magnus, is a godsend. No one expected him to take control, but he does and Isak can’t be more grateful. He sits on Eva’s bed, watching Magnus talk to Even in hushed tones. He could probably understand them if he concentrated but he’s so exhausted and numb, he just watches.

Magnus takes the baby and lets Vilde take him out of the room. Even struggles to get him back, but Magnus holds him back. Even’s cries and pleas fall on deaf ears. It’s done. Jonas and Mahdi offer to find a way to get the baby back to his family.

The girls wait until Magnus walks Even out of the room to come in and join Isak on Eva’s bed. They say nothing, just situate themselves around him. Isak closes his eyes, a small sigh escaping him.

“We love you, Isak. We’re here for you.” Noora’s hand ends up on his arm, and he opens his eyes, red and watery, to look at all of them. He doesn’t say anything. He can’t. But he knows they know. That he loves them back. That he’s appreciative. He tries to focus on how lucky he is to have such amazing, supportive friends by his side, and falls into fitful sleep.

---

“He needs to chill Isak. I’m serious, if you go in there, don’t talk about what happened. Not yet, anyway. Just be there for him.” There’s a maturity in Magnus’ face that Isak has never seen before, and wonders how he’s so good at this. Isak managed to sleep until noon the next day, and demanded to see Even as soon he was up.

“Did you get any sleep?” His throat hurts from crying and his face is still puffy, but he doesn’t care. He needs to be with Even.

“Ehh not really, but it’s ok. He needed someone who understands. But, seriously, I don’t care how much you want to talk about it, don’t. Wait until he’s feeling better.”

He opens the door to reveal Even lying in the bed. His head’s propped up against a couple pillows, gaze fixed straight ahead. His eyes focus on something past Isak, and it feels like he’s looking through him, not really seeing. Isak swallows down the urge to run and slowly creeps toward the bed. He pauses at the foot of it, unsure of how to continue. “Are you…did you sleep ok?” That’s harmless enough. Not too probing.

“No.”

“Oh. Can I join you?” Even takes a moment before closing his eyes and nodding. Isak, still moving as slow as he can, climbs up and lies next to his man. “Wanna try sleeping?” Everything happens at a snail’s pace, but Even eventually pushes himself down so he’s flat on his back. Isak pulls the covers around him and leans back, giving Even some space. Isak lets himself relax, and falls asleep again, dreaming of being back in Even’s arms.

---

“Can you just let me go home?” Even’s tired voice pierces through Isak like a bullet.

“I didn’t know I was keeping you here.” His whisper travels over the chilling silence that’s settled in his room ever since they got here two days ago.

“Just. Let me go. Please.” It’s the most emotion Isak’s heard in his voice since the incident. Isak moves to help Even out of bed, but just gets pushed away. He stands by his orange curtains, watching him struggle to grab his things. Isak thought his heart broke when Even had lost it. But that was nothing, nothing compared to this. The pain is real, tangible. Even had given him love and hope when he came into Isak’s life, and now he was taking it all away. He’s taken everything, and Isak’s hollow. Nothing but dark and hurt.

“Sorry.” It’s out of his mouth before Isak can even think about it. Even stops and stiffens, but leaves anyway.

---

“Isak, come eat something, please.” Eskild rubs small circles into his back. Isak doesn’t want to eat. He’s spent the last week just writing and creating. He did everything that was expected of him. He’s smiled for selfies with fans in the street. Performed with all of his energy at all their shows. He just wants to stop. He doesn’t have the will to push anymore.

“I can’t.” He looks up at Eskild and sees the worry plain in his eyes. “I’m just not hungry. I’ll grab something later.” He can hear how empty his words are. He’s just saying what he thinks Eskild wants to hear. Eskild is a lot smarter than Isak gives him credit for. He can see right through the boy’s façade.

“Oh, baby boy, have you talked to him?”

“He doesn’t want me, Eskild.” Isak prays for Eskild to leave him alone. If he doesn’t he won’t be able to hold back any longer. Instead the older man wraps his arms around him, making him feel younger and smaller than he has in a long time. “Why doesn’t he want me anymore?” Isak lets go. He cries and cries in Eskild’s arms, clinging onto him for dear life. “I love him.” He’s wailing into Eskild’s stomach, fisting the fabric of his t shirt.

Eskild lets him soak his shirt with tears. While he may not know what’s going on with Even, he knows Isak. He knows this strong boy will overcome whatever cruel trial this was. And he plans to be there for him every step of the way.

---

Magnus: how r things 2day? Even: didn’t kill myself. Magnus: good 2 hear Ur gonna have 2 stop avoiding him tho Even: no. He doesn’t need this shit. You didn’t see how scared he was. I can’t let him ruin himself. Magnus: fy faen ur the most dramatic prsn I no. Just see him when u feel up to it. U love him. Let him do the same.

---

Two and a half weeks. 18 days. It’s been 18 days since Isak has seen Even, and he hasn’t been doing much better. His smiles come a little easier, and it’s not that hard to convince everyone he’s doing better. But when no one’s looking, Isak lets himself feel. Anger. It’s ugly jagged edges tearing him up from the inside. Sadness. He mourns for the love he’s lost. The man who gave him so much. And stolen it back.

Even: can we talk?

Isak stares at the message. He’s not sure if he’s dreaming it up. Maybe it’s a hallucination. He blinks once. Twice. Three times. It’s still there. He restarts his phone, but the message is still there. He’s reaching out and Isak is too desperate to ignore it.

Isak: ok. When?

The response is immediate.

Even: can I come over? 10 minutes? Isak: ok

---

They sit in Isak’s living room, just looking at each other, for a long time. As angry as Isak is, he just wants to run into his warm embrace. He wants to be enveloped in Even’s love. It’s hard to be so close to him, after everything.

“Are we going to talk, or are you just going to look at me?” He’s not sure where the confidence to speak comes from, but is proud of himself for not letting his voice waver

“I’m bipolar.”

Oh.

“Ok.”

Even chuckles darkly. “Ok? It’s not ok? It’s fucked. I’m fucked. In the head. I kidnapped a baby, Isak. How is any of this ok?” His face flushes prettily, and Isak is having a hard time concentrating on the words that come out of those sinful lips. Bipolar.

“What do you want me to say?”

“I don’t know! Yell at me. Hit me. Do something. Don’t just stand there and say ok. As if any of this is easy. Don’t.” Isak reaches out to cover Even’s hand with his own.

“I’m…processing. It’s not easy. I just don’t want you to think this changes anything. It doesn’t change how I feel.” Even grabs Isak by the shoulders, the force of it terrifies Isak. Bipolar.

“You should be running for the hills. You shouldn’t want anything do with me. I’m going to ruin you. I already have.” He’s whispering, eyes wide.

“I still love you, Even. I’ll always love you.” Isak surges forward, pressing their lips together. His hand wraps around Even’s neck. The older man gasps into Isak’s mouth, getting lost in the feel of home in the boy in front of him. Bipolar.

And then he pulls away. “I can’t be with you anymore. I don’t want this.” Even forces himself out of Isak’s grip. “Goodbye, Isak.” He gives a sad half smile and walks out the door.

Bipolar.

---

The days following their breakup are…hard. Not like before, where he could push through. Where the uncertainty about them was a comfort. Now, it’s so final. Goodbye, Isak. The words haunt him. He hears them everywhere. He hears and sees Even everywhere. Buying coffee, a deep voice behind him that makes his eyes sting with tears. When he turns around to see a short man, he runs out.

He tries to hang out with Eskild but when he puts on Moulin Rouge, it’s too much. Baz wouldn’t treat me like this.

He can’t watch their new music videos. Every shot has Even written all over them and it’s suffocating. All he wants is his Even. All he has is his rejection.

He’s sitting quietly, nursing a beer, Jonas, Mahdi, and Magnus do their best to keep the atmosphere light. But Magnus keeps giving Isak these looks and he’s getting pissed off.

“What, Magnus?” He can’t stop the venomous words, but they’re out and now all three boys are looking at him likes he’s grown a second head.

“Nothing. It’s just…I don’t want to lie to you. I’ve been talking to Even.” Isak feels like he’s been punched in his stomach.

“Didn’t know you guys were that close.” He wants to be mad. To feel betrayed, but he’s just worried. “Is he doing ok?”

“Fuck, Isak. You guys need to fix this. I’m so worried about you two.”

“I want to. All I want is to be with him. But he doesn’t. I can’t change what he feels.”

“Bullshit.” Magnus is standing up now. “I know he’s hurting just as bad. He loves you Isak. He’s just convinced you’re better off without him. He wanted to leave you before you left him.” Isak never used to be so open about his feelings, but lately all he does is cry.

“But I would never. Not even when he’s doing crazy shit. I just want to be with him always.” He feels Jonas wrap an arm around his shoulders, too tired and sad to fuss pull away.

“You need to tell him that, though.” And it all falls into place. Jonas is right. He’s always right. Isak had been given something so precious. Someone he truly thought was his soulmate. So why shouldn’t he fight for it? Even if it was Even he was fighting.

“Never knew you were so smart.” Jonas pushes him away a mock offended look gracing his features.

“Drittsek.”

---

Isak: you being bipolar isn’t a dealbreaker. I love you. That’s not going to change. Will you come to my show tonight? Just one last time. Love you.

Isak looks at his phone again. Even’s seen his messages, but has yet to respond. Sighing he turns back to face the empty club. His last show in Oslo before they go on a European tour. It’s a huge fucking deal, and Isak should be excited, but the churning in his stomach has nothing to do with the upcoming tour and everything to do with the possibility of Even showing up tonight.

He knows to keep his expectations low, but he can’t control the hope blooming in his chest. It’s more than he’s felt in almost a month. And he’s holding onto it tightly.

---

The set is incredible. The cheers from the crowd are deafening, and holy shit they know every single word to their songs. Isak almost forgets just how bad he’s had it, because the feeling of people screaming his name is intoxicating. But Even isn’t there. Isak spends every second he can looking out into the crowd, looking for the lanky director that owned his heart.

“I don’t think he’s coming, man.” Mahdi pats his shoulder quickly after the last song. “You still want to do this?” He’s sure. It hurts, but he’s going to do it.

Grabbing a mic stand, he adjusts it so that it’s low enough for him sitting on a stool in the centre of the stage. Jonas joins him, guitar in hand. “Hi guys. So, um. This last song. It’s not like anything we’ve done before. It might not be your style or whatever, but this is for someone who means so much to me. They, uh, they couldn’t make it tonight. But I still wanted to do this. Because I love them no matter what happens. So yeah.” His voice breaks a little, but he just looks out one last time, searching for the man he knew wasn’t going to be there.

Jonas begins to pluck at the strings, a sweet melody filling the room. Isak pours his heart into the words that Even won’t hear. About their love. Their struggle. How Even’s mind is the most beautiful thing in the world. There isn’t a single dry eye in front of him. Isak’s got tears tracks down his face too, glistening under the club’s purple lights. He thinks that if he opens his eyes, he’d be able to see his soul in front of him. Beat down and small. But still so strong. His love for Even keeping it intact.

Everything is silent when he finishes. Isak finally opens his eyes. Still no Even. He smiles sadly. “How about we finish off with one more song.”

The mood shifts suddenly and then they’re finishing up with Magnus crowd surfing, and playing with each other on stage. Isak smiles through it all, just waiting for the moment he can be alone. He’s walking to the green room when his strangled voice breaks Isak from his thoughts.

“Isak.” He turns, only to come face to face with Even. His Even. Looking shattered and heartbreakingly beautiful. A fallen angel.

Isak is frozen, feet unwilling to bring him closer. It’s Even that makes the first move. Slowly, carefully walking up to Isak, eyes never leaving his.

“Halla.” He whispers. And fuck him. Fuck him for thinking after all this that he can just come back and say halla like nothing happened. Except he can and Isak is all too willing to accept it.

“Halla.” Isak closes his eyes as Even brings a hand up to his face, thumb stroking along his cheekbone.

“The song was...beautiful.”

“Yeah. Well.” Isak leans into the touch, inhaling the taller man’s familiar scent.

“I’m sorry, Isak.” His eyes meet Even’s and he’s certain they have matching red tints.

“Don’t apologize. Just. Don’t leave me again. I don’t think I’ll survive it.” Even swallows, a stray tear escaping. He bows his head close to rub Isak’s cheek with his nose.

“I won’t. I can’t. Not again. I love you too much.” Isak’s finally gained control of his body and throw his arms around Even’s neck, pulling them together. He buries his head into Even’s shoulder, body sagging with relief.

“I love you.”

---

They’re lying in Isak’s bed, not touching. Facing each other. Memories of the last time they were like this are still fresh and sting, but they both need this. Isak lets his hands wander up and down Even’s arm, resting on his cheek, the back of his neck.

“I just didn’t want you to have to deal with me. You already had to deal with your ‘insane’ mom. I was...I got selfish. Wanted to spend more time with you than I should be allowed.” Isak’s heart breaks for his boy. For the time they spent apart. For all the uncertainty.

“I want you to be selfish. I want you to stay with me.”

“Being bipolar isn’t easy. Being with someone who's bipolar is even harder. Its two lives getting fucked.” Isak shifts so they're even closer, hand stilling.

“I don't want easy. I want you. And if everything gets to be too much, we take it a day at a time. If that doesn't work, we take it minute by minute. The only thing we need to worry about is the next minute, ok? Can we do that?” Even’s gaze is piercing, seeing everything down to the core of Isak’s very being. Isak lets him. He turns his head to plant a small kiss on Isak’s palm.

“We can do that.” Isak knows why Even keeps hesitating. He’s still waiting for the ball to drop. Waiting for Isak to leave him. But Isak knows he won’t. He can’t. Even is an all consuming force and Isak is so gone for him. There isn’t a thought in his head that doesn’t echo Even.

Isak hums softly, and recognition flashes across Even’s face. He pulls Isak into his chest, letting the soft melody of their song wash over them. Even can feel Isak looking at him, and lets his face against his forehead.

“What are we doing in this minute?” Isak lifts himself up so that they were eye to eye.

“In this minute? In this minute, we kiss.” And they do. And everything is going to be ok.

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