#if u have similar experiences and tips or media that discuss it? please chime in in the replies!

[questioningpositivity]

So I've been thinking this for awhile I think I might actually be a lesbian??? Like it's a fact that I love girls but my questionable liking for guys is different? Really looking back at guys I've liked I feel like it had something to do with compulsory heterosexuality? Like feeling I had to/should? Plus the guys I do think I like have to be really specific. Also found out that finding a guy attractive doesn't necessarily mean I want to date them, just want to appreciate them from afar and (1/4)

that’s ok? When I’ve pictured my future as a kid seeing myself with a guy felt strange I thought being bi that sure I could like either but that being with a guy would be almost settling. Like it would be just ok in comparison to a girl. Like if people are ever like “oh one day your husband…” i get really annoyed. And no guy could ever meet my high expectations of them. But then I don’t want to reinforce the idiotic stereotypes people have about the bi community just being confused and (2/4)

eventually picking a side. Like I don’t wanna be that. Also if I am attracted to some guys to some degree then it must mean I’m bi. And then calling myself a lesbian would mean I’m CHOOSING a sexuality and not just liking people naturally. The whole community is always trying to say sexualities aren’t a choice and I’m going against that. Like what if I could have or end up falling in love with a guy and could be so happy, but I ignore it because I simply “don’t want to”. Labels can be great (¾

but they feel either too confining or too broad AND THEN I’m the bisexual who doesn’t like labels trope and here we are again and wtf. So if I don’t like men after all then MAYBE I’m not a lesbian because I didn’t add that I do like people that don’t conform to the gender binary and go by other identities. But still could like identifying as les. So do I just have a weird thing against men? Guys I’ve been “with” wasn’t that great to me but maybe it’s cuz they’re the wrong people idk (4/4)

Hi there!

First of all, I can’t figure out when this was sent but I’m gonna guess not recently, so I’m really sorry for that. I’m going to reply now bc maybe you’re still out there and following this blog? I have been busy and sorta abandoned this blog, so I’m really sorry about that as well

You aren’t a trope because you’re a real person with a complicated sexuality and hey! same! I used to ID as bi and I don’t atm and that’s totally fine! Neither of us are hurting anyone by questioning our identities or changing what language use!

With that said, in my experience of reading, listening to, and talking to LGBTQIA folks (specifically outside of tumblr!), I’ve found this is a fairly common experience. There’s an argument that was created partially in pursuit of marriage equality that people are “born this way.” Yes, it did help get some of those “movable middle” straight people to be less homophobic. It can also be super resonant and true to any given LGBTQIA person and I don’t want to invalidate their lived experiences.

However, it rests on this idea that being gay (or otherwise lgbtqia) is bad/wrong but must be forgiven because us lgbtqia people Can’t Help It. Instead, I’d rather choose to celebrate my own queerness. For me right now that looks like: 

-using gay to describe my orientation when I am being read as my assigned gender and among acquaintances, because I am not pursuing any romantic or sexual relationships with men

-using queer when I am in my community

-working on learning more about my nonbinary gender and figuring out how I want to transition (socially, medically, etc)

I’m struggling to articulate this well, but the thing that has helped me the most is listening to real, adult lgbtqia people. I know that they’ve discussed this before on the podcasts Food 4 Thot and Queery with Cameron Esposito. Those and other podcasts I’ve found incredibly helpful and fulfilling, especially now when I have very little in-person access to a queer community. Hearing people’s voices and earnest, good-intentioned discussions about LGBTQIA experiences is validating, fulfilling, and challenging in a way that’s really helped me. I would also recommend reading memoirs, poetry, and fiction by LGBTQIA authors! Many of them will likely disclose similar uncertainties and questioning. 

Ultimately, you are a real and complicated person with a rich inner life and background of experiences. No one word is ever going to be able to perfectly encapsulate that or convey it to everyone else. You get to take your experiences and feelings and to try to find language that articulates it for other people. You get to choose which label works for you. And whichever it is, you’re not lying, I promise.