#if this post doesn't show up in the tags again i’ll scream

[driftcompatiblesblog]

— you can always find me in the drift.

[verareids]

nights like these - spencer reid x gn!reader

spencer gets back from a rough case and reader comforts him. tags/cws: hurt/comfort, use of 'y/n', gn!reader, fluffy angst, mention of case involving kids but no details wc: 1008 a/n: Definitely not my favourite fic I've ever written and I haven't written anything in a while but it is my first Spencer fic so yay! Also, I was picturing late season 3/ season 4 Reid but it doesn't really matter. also posted on ao3

When the jet lands in Quantico at 12:47am Spencer is exhausted. After a truly grueling case he couldn’t even bring himself to read on the flight home. He’d just sat staring out the window. Kids. It’s always the cases involving kids that will fuck you up the most. JJ and Morgan have both tried their hand at comforting him and received a concerning lack of response. The rest of the team had been able to get some rest. Spencer hadn’t been so lucky. Every time he’d close his eyes he’d see their faces, hear their screams. Morgan stands up on the other side of the booth and the sudden motion pulls Spencer out of deep thought. He grabs his bag and prepares to get up when Emily shuffles past him, squeezing his shoulder on the way. The team clambers out of the jet and ends up in the bullpen, getting their things in order before they’re able to go home. Spencer walks out though the doors, heading for the elevator when the sound of JJ’s voice brings him to a halt.

“Reid…” JJ steps in front of him. “You heading home?” Spencer stops and stares at her incredulously.

“Yeah?” His tone showing only a hint of irritation. JJ looks back up at him, choosing to brush past his attitude.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Her concerned stare feels as though it’s piercing right through him and suddenly he can’t quite meet her eyes.

“I’m sure. I’ll see you tomorrow, JJ.” He walks past her towards the elevator, pressing the button when her voice stops him in his tracks again.

“Spencer, just…” JJ’s voice trails off as he turns to look back at her, she tilts her head sympathetically. “I know you don’t want to talk right now but… try to talk to (y/n) at least, don’t bottle it all up.” He forms a tight-lipped smile and nods.

“I will, thanks.” He replies slightly dismissively and turns to step into the elevator as the doors open and shut behind him. 

Spencer walks through the parking lot faster than usual, wanting nothing more than to just get home. Maybe he’d find you waiting for him there, sitting on the couch with a book, or maybe watching a movie. He’d sit down next to you and let you run your fingers through his hair, scratch his scalp, kiss his face, make all of the horrible images fade away. However, when he does get home, there is only silence. The lights are off, save for one lamp you had left on so that it wouldn’t be too dark for him. Spencer hangs his bag on a hook and removes his converse, placing them neatly by the front door. He tries to keep the sound of his footsteps light as he moves to turn off the lamp. 

Once he finally enters the bedroom he finds you there, sleeping ever so peacefully. He lets out a long, shaky sigh, looking over at the digital alarm on the bedside table, 1:40am, of course you’re not still awake. Quiet as he can, he removes his work clothes and gets ready for bed. When he lays down beside you he rolls onto his side to look at your face. All of the emotions he’s worked so hard to hold back over the last few days come flooding back with stinging eyes and a lump in his throat that he can’t force away. He studies your face, your quiet, relaxed form and decides he shouldn’t wake you. You have work in the morning – you both do – and it wouldn’t be wise to disturb your sleep to burden you with his work problems, although he knew it to be much deeper than that. Spencer exhales a shaky breath and resigns to closing his eyes and willing himself to sleep. He’s moments away from slipping into unconsciousness when a soft hand delicately brushes the side of his face.

“Spence?” He allows his eyes to flutter open at the sound of your voice and meets your drowsy, half shut eyes – his breath catching in his throat at the sight. When your lips stretch into an adoring smile he notices the stinging feeling in his eyes come back full force. “When did you get back?” You ask while your thumb runs a gentle line under his bottom lip causing him to bite it softly.

“Only five minutes ago.” Spencer replies with a shakiness he doesn’t bother to hope you won’t notice. Nothing ever gets past you. As expected, he watches as a subtle frown takes over your features.

“Bad?” You ask. A simple question, yet his eyes still well up when he nods in response. You don’t ask if he wants to talk about it, you know he doesn’t. “What do you need?’ Your hand moves again, this time to brush back a strand of hair that had fallen over his sullen face.

“You.” The way his voice cracks breaks your heart. You pull him into your chest and he rests his head there. When you run your fingers through his hair you feel his strong hands clutching the back of your shirt, pressing your body against his as close as possible. Tears stain your clothing as he breathes shakily against you.

This is the hardest part of Spencer’s job. Over the years he has developed an incredible ability to compartmentalize. He is generally pretty skilled at separating work from personal life. With a job like his you can’t afford to bring it home with you, but even with that mindset, there’s no way to stop it from getting to you occasionally. Nights like these are inevitable. You continue to thread your fingers through his curls as you feel him getting heavier against you as he slowly drifts to sleep. Staring straight up at the ceiling you can only hope that your presence will help keep the nightmares at bay. You whisper comforting words into his ear while you lay silently praying that tomorrow will be kinder to him.

[sweetingseva]

The Ballad of Never After + Kiss?! (Part 2)

Time for the nitty gritty! I may be a little over eager to find out about the plot of The Ballad of Never After before it is even released but I can’t help myself but think about what may happen. Before the title was revealed, my good friend @amani8907 and I combined our theories and let me tell you it had us SCREAMING BECAUSE THEY WERE SO DAM GOOD!

I will use references to Enchanted (2007), Snow White (1937), and Sleeping Beauty (1959). 😉 And of course, Once Upon a Broken Heart.

First, I want to review the basic qualities of a fairytale. In a fairytale, there’s:

Orphan turned Princess

Prince Charming

Evil Witch/Evil Step-Mother

A Curse

Unfortunate circumstances the protagonist faces ex. stepmother, stepsisters, curses, huntsman, treated poorly

A death-like sleep

True Love’s kiss

Happily Ever After

Now Once Upon A Broken Heart doesn't shy away from these qualities. Evangeline is an orphan, she has a two-faced stepmother and a jealous stepsister, she’s cursed (prophesized key), and she meets Prince Apollo at the ball where they “fall in love.” There’s also a death-like sleep in which Apollo has fallen under. I’ll come back to this! Even Evangeline herself says that she wants a fairytale kind of love, the story she’s in right now.

When Evangeline went to kiss Apollo from this cursed slumber, it sort of reminded me of Prince Charming coming to kiss the Princess awake and then they live happily ever after. It didn’t really cross my mind again until I started talking with @amani8907. I asked her what she had thought about the ending in where we find out that Apollo isn’t exactly dead but isn’t exactly alive either. And what did Jacks want to speak with Evangeline (He sounded nervous in her head and knowing Jacks, he’s seldom nervous or worried)?

@amani8907 had two theories to those two questions. And they were freaking good! Before I delve into them, Stephanie Garber had posted this in her story one day. “There was a fairytale that I really wanted to add murder to.” (UPDATE: I think she means Cinderella the more I'm thinking about it lol). The first fairytale stories that come to mind are Snow White and Sleeping Beauty.

A lot of ideas will come from these two films and then the reveal of the sequel happened, and Stephanie posted emojis that correspond to the sequel’s plot. (Which I’ll speak about, too!)

And look at the bottom, #fairytale is tagged. 👀👍

THEORY TIME 🦊❤️‍🩹💘🍎

The theories are only for fun and not canon. I may be completely wrong, half-right, or maybe entirely right (but that’s a shot in the dark). But personally, they sound so good to me that I wish it was canon! LOL

Back to the “Evangeline being Jacks’s true love” convo, @amani8907 had pointed out that the final scene with Apollo was another hint of Evangeline being fated to Jacks instead of Apollo. How? It’s like any fairytale story where Prince Charming’s (true love) kiss wakes the Princess from a cursed slumber.

If it was true between Apollo and Evangeline, Apollo would have woken up by her kiss. (Evangeline thought this would work but it didn’t). Evangeline was not Apollo’s true love and he wasn’t hers no matter how much she believed in their probable love story.

Jacks had willed Apollo to fall so deeply in love with Evangeline even though Apollo had initially dismissed her before Evangeline kissed him. Yeah, that doesn’t sound like Love At First Sight or anything of the sort.

This means, once again that Jacks and Evangeline are fated to fall for each other. They don’t need to kiss to show that they belong together. (NO I WANT THEM TO KISS STILL! 😘)

Speaking of cursed slumbers and true love kisses, here’s what I had thought that I so very much wish it could be true!!!!! @amani8907 had brought up about immortals losing their immortality to love. Because of the events in Finale, all the Fates are ageless instead of immortals. If they die, they die. No reviving. She had this idea where one would die (Evangeline or Jacks) 😱☠️

I was blown away by this! SHOCKED AND YET I WANT THIS TO HAPPEN! I mean, I don’t want either of them to die but let’s think back to the fairytale qualities. ONLY A TRUE LOVE’S FIRST KISS CAN REVIVE THEIR LOVE.

Have any of you seen Enchanted (2007)? Jacks and Evangeline’s love story is almost like that!

Giselle is in love with Prince Charming. On the day of her wedding, the Evil Stepmother pushed her down a well and sent her straight to where “Happily Ever After” doesn’t exist.

New York! Even though she’s still quite naive about fairytales and true love and happily ever afters (sound like anybody to you? 👀), she discovers she didn’t really love Prince Charming. She had fallen in love with a single father who didn’t believe in a fairytale love (He was a divorce lawyer lol).

When the Evil Stepmother visited her in New York, she gave her a poisoned apple. In her deep, cursed death-like slumber, Prince Charming kissed her because that’s how the stories ago. However, to everyone’s surprise, Giselle didn’t wake up. She was not in love with Prince Charming (This totally sounds like Apollo and Evangeline) but with the single father, Robert. When he kissed her, she finally awoke!

@amani8907 and I believe Evangeline will die.

How?

Let’s switch to Sleeping Beauty where Aurora was cursed to prick her finger on a needle on the day of her sixteenth birthday. No matter how strenuous the precautions were, Aurora had managed to complete the curse. This means Evangeline will die opening the Valory Arch because that is her prophesized objective.

In chapter 51, Evangeline heard the full prophecy and realized it connected her. Each line was filled. And Prince Tiberius told her:

“Magic things always want to do which they were created to do.”

Like Aurora, none of the precautions will hold Evangeline back (Not even Jacks) to complete the cursed prophecy. Evangeline will open the Valory Arch. And she’ll die. (Remember this emoji ☠️?)

If that doesn’t kill her, then what about a poisoned apple? 🍎☠️

Jacks eats them all the time. Wouldn’t it be heartbreaking and yet poetic for his true love to die at the bite of an apple that he consumes for a taste of true love? And let’s say, Evangeline does die. What happens next?

And here’s why I want this all to be true. The story about the Prince of Hearts whose kiss is fatal to all but his true love who makes his heart beat again will have a twist. Jacks’s kisses always end badly. But not for Evangeline 😭🤯.

JACKS’S FATAL KISS WILL REVIVE EVANGELINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I AM SCREAMING. I NEED THIS TO BE TRUE. I WANT IT ALL. LIKE CAN YOU IMAGINE SOMETHING LIKE THIS HAPPENING? THE REALIZATION THAT EVANGELINE IS JACKS’S TRUE LOVE. IT SOUNDS LIKE A FAIRYTALE!

Stephanie Garber’s post sort of confirmed this to me. She used ☠️ and then 💘😘❤️‍🩹. The arrow striking through the heart is a definite reference to Cupid’s arrow to say someone has fallen in love. Then that kissing emoji might be Evangeline and Jacks’s kiss. THEY FINALLY KISS! Their heartbreak is wrapped up as if it’s healing.

But as I’ve said before in a different post, their love story will have a tragic point. It’d be too late because Evangeline would have already opened the Valory Arch, and even though this was what Jacks had wanted when he made that deal with her in the first place, his deal with Chaos is still valid.

That’s why there’s a crying emoji 😭. To me, that is heartbreak. It’s too late. Perhaps that’s why it’s called The Ballad of Never After. Because it doesn’t have a happy ending but this isn’t an ending to their love story, it’s the beginning because hint hint, it’s a trilogy! And I bet my nonexistent hat that Book #2 will end at the mausoleum because what is this? 🏛 Only one building we have seen looks like that. Unless this is the Valory Arch?

Possible Villains 🧛🧛‍♀️

Other than the Valory Arch and a poisoned apple, someone has to be the grander villain (other than Jacks) to put Evangeline in danger. Because Stephanie had put a (feminine) vampire emoji, I think more vampires will show up. Luc was a big part of Evangeline’s life. He was her first love, after all. But now he’s a vampire. And there’s nothing else he will crave more than blood. He showed this when he tried to bite Evangeline back at Chaos’s underground lair. He’ll make an interesting villain, and do I sense a love triangle between Luc, Evangeline, and Jacks? 👀

Yeah, this will certainly be interesting!

Chaos is merciless and a possible villain. But I’m having trouble seeing him as the main villain because he had already made a deal with Jacks. After Evangeline opens the Valory Arch with her willing blood, Chaos can have her to himself. He’s more controlled, which is why Luc and new vampire (🧛‍♀️) will be the main villains because of their thirst for blood.

And back to the theory of Evangeline dying, what if Luc kills her? Or tries to kiss her awake but it doesn’t work because Evangeline isn’t in love with him? HA, I WANT TO SEE THAT! Or what if it’s the other way around, and Jacks dies and Evangeline revives him with a kiss (that way we keep Evangeline’s POV).

Other Emojis

👰: another wedding? Evangeline is getting married again? To who? I honestly don’t have any idea but maybe it’s Apollo.

🐎🏹📖: it’s The Ballad of the Archer and the Fox. Maybe we’ll get an excerpt of it in the prologue?

☠️: possible Evangeline’s death? Or Apollo? Jacks? hmmm

In conclusion

Evangeline will die and Jacks will revive her with a kiss. Instead of his kiss killing her, she will regain consciousness. I truly see this happening. It might even happen! Because it all makes sense to me. What do you think?

(Also, this song certainly gives EvaJacks vibes 💔🦊🍎)

SURPRISE SURPRISE

As I was editing this, Stephanie Garber posted a snippet to The Ballad of Never After!

EVANGELINE IS IN LOVE! but I swear if this is Apollo's heart she's listening I'm going to scream 😭😅

[omg-im-such-a-masochist]

ONE BOTTLE TO BLAME

Prompt: Requested, by the lovely @jazzy-bella02 (I’m sorry this took me so long to post it, but I hope you’ll like it and thank you so much for being patient with me, honey 😘)

Word Count: Long-ish

Pairings: Jon Moxley x Reader

Warnings: +18, smut, dom x sub dynamic, oral sex (male and female receiving / 69), dirty talk, name calling (aka degradation), kinda fluff (at the end), slight angst, breath play (asphyxiation kink)

Editor: @thenightmareismyreality

Tag: @marlananicole , @bellalutionn , @sassymox , @yungbludjazz360

Notes: I just want to put this out there (before it turns into a fucking commotion): I have NOTHING against Renee , ok? I think she’s pretty awesome tbh and this is for plot purposes only! Please be reminded that this is a FICTIONAL STORY, not real life!(*This is only addressed to those who aren’t mature enough to understand that difference). If you’d like to check out my previous works, you can find them on my Masterlist 😉

“Alright, Y/N it’s your turn” Darby said

“Again?” I whined

“C’mon, don’t be such a party pooper! Pretty please?” He begged, dramatically batting his lashes

I spun the bottle and to my surprise it landed on landed on Jon Moxley, the man I desperately had a crush on, but refused to admit it out loud

“I don’t want to play this anymore, thanks” I mumbled

“Don’t be so childish, Y/N. What’s the worst thing he can do?” Darby laughed, looking at Mox who smiled back

“She said she doesn't want to” Renee stated bitterly

“Leave her alone, she will play” Mox said to her as he looked at me

“That’s my man!” Darby patted his back “So, Y/N, what do you choose: the kiss or the question?” He asked

“The question” *I’ll be damned if I ever choose the first option* I thought bitterly

“Mox, go ahead” Darby grinned

“Hmm” Jon pretended to debate what to ask “Who in this circle would you really want to kiss, and why?” He smirked

*How does he know?* I thought to myself- and then while looking at Darby, realization hit me. I could see the fucker trying to hide a smile behind his cup. *Darby told him! Ooh I’m gonna kill you Darby!*

“I - ummm...Darby” I said quickly

“Darby?” Mox looked at me in disbelief, and I nodded

“Why?” He teased

“Because...I think he’s cute” I lied, oh so poorly

“Right” He chuckled “Of course you do”

“Alright Mox, it’s your turn” Darby cackled

Jon spun the bottle and to our surprise it landed on me, again!

*Oh God, this must be a joke* I thought

“What’s your choice: question or kiss?” The blonde man asked him

“Kiss” Those piercing blue eyes stared at me

“I don’t think this is fair, she just answered your question! Jon, spin the bottle again, please” Renee said

“He can’t do that! It stopped on Y/N, so she and Jon will play. It’s their turn” Darby spat

“It’s not fair-”

“Why? Because it didn’t stop on you?” Mox scoffed

She shot him a look that well, if looks could kill, he’d be a pile of ash, before saying “You’re not going to kiss her”

“Oh really?” He chuckled “And who’s gonna stop me? You? Please, Renee, don’t make me laugh”

“You have no right-” She began

“YOU have no right! We’re not together anymore, I can do whatever I want with whoever I want and that’s none of your damn business! What the fuck are you even doing here anyways? I didn’t invite you, Y/N didn’t invite you, nobody on this roster invited you. Just fuck off!”

“Don’t talk to me like that” She pretended to be upset

“Don’t fucking try me then!” He replied, almost screaming at this point

Renee stood up and quickly made her exit out the front door, with a heavy silence settling in as she left.

“So, where were we?” Jon suddenly asked “Oh yeah! My kiss” He looked at me and grinned

Darby laughed “C’mon Y/N, you know the rules”

Rolling my eyes I crawled towards him, and when I was close enough, he whispered quietly so only I could hear

“Yes baby, crawl to me”

Noticing my nervousness, he pointed to his cheek and I felt so relieved that I wouldn’t have to kiss him in front of everyone

I leaned forward to his cheek, and once I was close enough, he turned his head around and connected our lips in a loud smooch

I had never felt a greater urge to bury my face in the sand like I did in that moment.

“Hmmm, vanilla?” He asked, clearly referring to my chapstick flavor

“I like the taste, kitten” He said, licking his lips

And so the game went on, every time the cursed bottle landed on Jon and I he asked me questions that got more personal (or invasive) each time: ‘What was my favorite sex position?’, ‘The craziest place I’ve ever had sex?’, ‘Did I own a vibrator?’, ‘How often did I use it?’, ‘Did I like it rough?’, ‘Have I ever tried BDSM?’, ‘Was I a sub?’.

And before he could ask me any more questions, I leaned towards Darby and said I was going to one of his guest bedrooms. When he asked why, I simply lied, saying I wasn’t feeling very well. He nodded and I finally left that damned room and stupid game, leaving Jon Moxley behind me…

Or at least I thought so!

When I opened the guest bedroom door, there he was, sitting down at the foot of the bed, smirking at me

“Thought you could run away from me, little mouse?” He chuckled at my surprised face

“Unfortunately for you, it’s not that easy to fool me, sweetheart” He took slow, predatory steps towards me “You didn’t answer my last question, doll” He pushed my body against the door, making it close, he then proceeded to lock it as well

“What question?”

“Are you a sub?” He whispered to me

I gulped “I-I enjoy power play”

Jon smiled widely “I thought so” He leaned forward, deeply inhaling the bamboo scent of my conditioner “Everything about you screams submissive, the essence practically radiates from your soul” He looked into my eyes

“Do you have a boyfriend?” I shook my head

“Sex partner?” I shook my head once more

“Do you have a Dom, kitty kat?” He asked, softly running his fingers through my hair

“No” I panted

“Do you want one?” He smirked

“Yes, please, sir?”

Jon grinned, and the soft motions from his fingers were quickly replaced by a forceful grip

“You wanna have some fun, Y/N?”

“Yes, sir”

“You gonna be my good little slut?”

“Yes, sir”

“Gonna make my cock feel real good?”

“Yes, sir”

“Is that pussy going to belong to me when we’re done?”

“All yours, sir”

He smiled “Are you going to be my favorite whore of all time?”

“I hope so, sir”

One of his hands quickly wrapped around my neck, applying just enough pressure to make me feel slightly lightheaded

“Does this pretty little slut know how to suck a cock?”

I nodded

“Let’s see about that” He smirked “Take your clothes off”

When we were both naked, Jon laid down on the bed

“Come here, kitten” He cooed “Sit on my face and show me how good that mouth of yours can be”

I obliged and as soon as my core was close enough to his face, he wasted no time in devouring me

It all felt so good that I needed something in my mouth, to muffle my loud moans, so I leaned forward and began to suck him off. Thanks to the position I was in, I had the advantage of sliding him further down, without having to worry about my gag reflex.

Jon moaned around my clit, as he put two fingers in. The vibrations his humming was causing me were heavenly

“Fuck, feels so fucking good!” He said and slapped my ass “Y/N, I’m going to need you to cum right now” He said, slightly out of breath

“Yes, sir” I answered, with a string of spit still connecting me to his cock’s head

His sucking became harder and the pace of his fingers became rougher, and before I could realize it, my walls were pulsing around his fingers.

When I was down from my high, Jon quickly pinned me down on the mattress and placed himself behind me

“You sure can suck a dick” He chuckled on my ear “But how well can you take a cock, kitty cat?”

“Very well, sir”

“Oh” He laughed “That’s bold! I have high expectations now! You’re not going to disappoint me, are you Y/N?”

“No, sir”

“You better not” He teased, as he slowly entered me

“So fucking wet” He said, and I could hear the smile in his voice

“Who made you this wet, baby?”

“You did, sir. You always do” I confessed

“Always? So you had thought about this before?”

“Every night, sir”

“And what do you do when those thoughts come to your mind, Y/N?” He increased his pace

“I touch myself and think about you, sir”

Jon growled “I would like to see that! Do you use your vibrator?”

“Yes, sir”

“Does it make you feel good, kitten?” He whispered

“Not as good as you do, sir”

“Great answer, sweetheart” He cackled

Placing his forearm on the back of my neck to keep me in place, Jon’s thrusting pace became almost too rough, but I was loving every second of it

“My good little whore loves cock, doesn’t she?”

I answered a muffled ‘yes, sir’

“Of course she does! Look how well she’s taking me”

“Am I stretching you good enough, baby?”

“Yes, sir”

“You’re gonna cum for me?” He asked, when he felt my walls my walls clenching tighter around him

I only moaned in response

“Cum, Y/N. Right now!”

My body followed his order, releasing it all over his length

Jon quickly pulled out, and his hot cum landed on my ass

He cleaned both of us up with a warm damp towel. Laying down by my side, he pulled me up until my head rested on his chest. That was when he placed one finger underneath my chin and tilted my head up, so he could kiss my lips in such a sweet and delicate way that made me giggle softly

“What?” He asked, with a sweet smile on his lips

“I’m sorry, the switch in you made me giggle” I laughed softly

“What change?”

“You just kissed me so softly, but were fucking me mercilessly and calling me a good little slut mere minutes before that”

“I can be soft too, you know?” He blushed a little

“Awww, you’re so sweet” I pecked his lips “But I love the rough you as well, don’t worry” I winked

“Good, because I’m a man of my word and” He shifted on the bed so he could lay down on his side “That pussy is now mine...all mine!” He growled, in a teasing way

“Yes, sir” I joked

“Wanna grab some burgers when we wake up?” He asked, pulling me closer to him and resting his forehead on mine

“I’d love to”

I smiled, falling asleep minutes after Jon’s soft snoring sounds filled up the bedroom...

Please, if you’re comfortable with it, let me know your thoughts on this? Feedbacks are always appreciated 🥰😘

[mydaroga]

Recent music meme

Tagged by @goldslick to post 10 songs I’ve had on repeat recently.

This will probably be embarrassing since I'm basically all Beatles/Macca all the time, but it's also weird because I don't really listen to things on repeat--I've been writing so I've just put my "writing albums" on here and I've also been listening to whole records mostly as I work through the catalog. Also I guess Tidal doesn't really keep track of listens? ANYWAY ENOUGH EXCUSES!

Long Tailed Winter Bird / Paul McCartney. Hey McCartney III is pretty good and I just dig this song a lot. I think this really is sticking with me because I didn’t expect old!Paul to have anything that would really reach out and while this isn’t like, revolutionary? I really dig the groove and I really love that he just went into the studio during lockdown and made something beautiful. I’ve been pulling this out to show people he’s still alive and stuff.

Nineteen Hundred and Eighty Five / Wings. Honestly wasn’t expecting to love Wings? But this was one of those that hit me when I got to Band on the Run that I just had to crank up and play again. Hey this rocks!

Dear Boy / Paul McCartney. I swear I’ll get to something else eventually but yes I’m still obsessed with this song. I have no idea why except to me, there’s this really intoxicating mixture of sweetness and menace. I don’t mean the lyrics are menacing. I actually mean the unrelenting harmonies feel sinister to me and I know not everyone feels that but I love it.

Spirit of Eden and Colour of Spring, whole albums / Talk Talk. I know they’re mostly known for their one hit single, “It’s My Life,” which you might know from the also excellent No Doubt cover. But I’m putting both of these records on here because this is my primary “writing” music. I have never found anything nearly this good: they’re dynamic and beautiful but somehow not intrusive on my creative process. So it’s more than “ambient” but they don’t distract me and I can’t recommend them highly enough.

Stairway to Heaven / Dolly Parton. My dad sent me a link to this a few weeks ago and I can’t stop thinking about it. I cried the first time I listened to it. The original is one of my mom’s favorites, and I love it, but something about this really captures the spirit of the original but puts a whole new spin on it. There’s something about Dolly’s plaintive vocals and the way this song is somehow made for banjo that kills me.

Twist and Shout / The Beatles. Yes I know it’s a cover but there’s just something about this song that’s become quintessential early boys for me. There’s the obvious fact of John shredding his voice but that scream Paul does right before the last chorus is something else.

What Is Life / George Harrison. This is one of those songs I got to and had to just listen to over three times to remind myself that I was already in love with it without knowing who it was. I hadn’t heard it in AGES but when I put on All Things Must Pass for the first time, this is where it came home. Just a perfect song.

Day in the Life / The Beatles. I can’t say I’m sitting there with this literally on repeat, but I need something on this list to stand in for how I’m hearing their songs in a new way, with new feelings. This song was always genius, but it is so much more to me now and I’ve definitely sat with my ear to the speaker just trying to understand it better. And picking apart the alternate takes. Again. Can’t do it too much because actual crying.

Everybody’s Talkin��� / Harry Nilsson. Again this is sort of a stand-in for the fact that my other primary writing soundtrack is an embarrassing mix of mostly-70s pop and MOR. It’s comforting to me and it doesn’t get in the way of my wording. And this is one of those songs that, when I do hear it again, makes me realize how brilliant simplicity can be. And how you can put sweetness and longing and disillusion into three minutes. 

I’d like to say I listen to more modern music and I do but like, not by much. And right now I’m really unwilling to stray from the zone of either self-instruction or writing music, so there it is. Tagging (if you want!) @inspiteallthedanger , @merseydreams, @beatle-shampoo , @theoldmixer , @slettlune, @prettypersuasion , @brummelliana , @jeanpaul-georges-ringeaux, @gnocchichi and anyone else who wants me to add them!

[amane-by-together]

Blue Hour || Amane Yugi pt. 1/5

(Amane Yugi x Fem!Reader)

genre: romance, drama, and a bit of fantasy

summary: amane was assigned to send letters to [name] from another school for a quarterly pen pal project in their class.

"You and I found in the sky in 5:53"

Amane grabbed a white pen from his black cylindrical pencil case and wrote some finishing touches for his letter on a black sheet of paper. He doodled some stars and constellations around the paper before folding it carefully then placing it inside a navy blue envelope.

He added some photographs of stars and moon stickers inside the galaxy themed parcel that he designed a day ago. Amane smiled proudly to himself after tying the twine around the parcel, he also slides in some post cards inside the twine.

“You sure are taking this pen pal project seriously, Yugi.” Yamabuki looked over to his dark haired friend with his phone on hand. “I barely even put effort on mine.”

“Look at Yashiro's though,” Amane pointed at the cream haired girl with teal tips sitting in front of him. She was putting a lot of designs for her pen pal letter so that her assigned sender would think that she's a creative person that matches their own aesthetic. “Hey, Yashiro-san, who do you think will be your pen pal?”

“I hope my pen pal is a boy,” Yashiro sighed dreamily as Amane deadpanned at her being a simp for hot and tall guys. He used to like her back then until he realized that he wasn't good enough for her. “And while we're sending letters, we'll fall in love—”

“Okay that's enough delusions, Yashiro.” Amane raised his hand up to prevent her from speaking more of her fantasies. “I've heard enough of them.”

“What did you put in your letter?” Yashiro asked.

“Pretty much about myself, I added some stickers and post cards, just incase my future pen pal would like them.” Amane explained while counting his fingers. “Hopefully they would because I made a lot of effort in it.” he said while scratching his cheek.

“I heard that our letters will be sent to another school and students from our grade will be our pen pals.” Akane explained as he went towards Yamabuki. “If Ao-chan gets a pen pal that is a guy, then I guess I have to eliminate the offender—”

“Whoah chill, Aoi.” Yamabuki glanced up to the red head whose expression quickly changed with a scary one. “What's with the bat though—?”

“Sometimes your obsession scares me.” Amane raised a perfect brow at Akane while resting his cheek to the heel of his palm.

“You're the one to talk.” Akane slightly glared at the smaller male. “At least I have a love life.”

“Fair enough.” Amane grumbled under his breath, looking away from the distasteful Akane. “Wait, you two are dating—?”

Amane was interrupted by their homeroom teacher entering the class. “Good morning class, did you have your letters ready?” Sensei asked as he scratched his chin. “To those who didn't know yet, your letters will be delievered to another school. Expect a letter from your new pen pal on the next day or two.”

The dark haired boy feels his eyes slowly drooping, it's always like this, getting sleepy in the middle of class. The cause? Stargazing.

Amane, ever since he was a little boy, he loved the moon and stars. He would open his window at night and look into his telescope to admire the star studded sky. Looks like he stayed up a little too long before dawn, you can't really blame him, who wouldn't like stargazing.

His eyes can't take it anymore, he needed to snooze off, just for a moment to rest. Amane folded his arms on top of his desk and puts his head down to take a nap.

“The other world at 5:53 is beautiful.”

In a dusk turning into dark, there stood a glowing carousel, spinning in a clockwise motion that seemed like it was twisting forever. Amane wandered around the place, wondering why he standing in front of a lonely ride.

He felt his ears ring and the ground slightly shaking. Amane closed his eyes as he felt the wind blowing against him, then everything stopped.

Amane fluttered his eyes open and saw a girl wearing a different school uniform than theirs. She was around Yashiro's height, he estimated, but nonetheless he never seen this girl before.

In a blink of an eye, she disappeared.

Amane raised his head up immediately from the sleep and panted heavily. Beads of sweat came rolling down from his forehead, his chest rises and then it lowers for a second, and he couldn't breathe properly after that. ‘What was that?’ he thought, drawing his hand near his chest to calm his breathing. ‘Who was that?’

He was sure as hell that he was confused, having a dream about a glowing carousel and a girl wearing a school uniform, whom he had never seen before, whatever that dream was about, he felt goosebumps on his skin. Amane fixed himself, he probably looked like he ran in a marathon and never got to drink water after that. 

“Amane-kun, why do you keep sleeping in class?” Yashiro asked with a stern tone like she was a mother scolding her son for doing something wrong. “You shouldn’t sleep in classes anymore, okay?” she added while handing him her notebook which contains the notes that she took during the lesson.

Yashiro, as one of Amane's friends, was concerned for the boy. She was worried about him, but that doesn't mean the cream haired girl has feelings for the choppy haired guy. Like she said, she isn’t his type. “I’ll try not to sleep in class...” Amane receives the notebook from his female friend. 

“If you sleep again, I won’t lend you my notes anymore.” 

“Okay okay, I won’t sleep next time.” Amane assures her in a sweat dropped expression. “But I make no promises though---”

Yashiro snorted. “By the way---” Amane was interrupted by the school bell beckoning them to go eat their lunch. He sighed, he always gets cut off whenever he says something interesting. The teenage boy slumped his shoulders before going to the rooftop to eat his food.

All alone by himself like he usually does.

Amane was puzzled by the dream he had while he was napping during class. A carousel and a girl he had never seen before, perhaps that it was a lost memory of his or he had actually seen this girl but he doesn't remember her.

He'll figure that out on his own.

The next day felt like any other day. Amane groaned loudly, waking up from his slumber (surprisingly he actually slept) and not wanting to get up from the comfortable bed that he was laying down. He buried his face on one of the pillows. ‘I don't want to wake up, I swear to god.’

“Amane, Amane—”

“What?!” Amane shot his head up and shouted fiercely at his younger twin, Tsukasa who was standing on the door with a towel wrapped around his hips.

“Wake up, we have classes!” Tsukasa reminded him. Amane sighed and slammed his face against the pillow, he felt himself close his eyes to sleep again, until Tsukasa grabbed his face and forcefully removed his brother's face from the pillow. “WAKE UP!”

“I'm up, I'm up!” Amane removed Tsukasa's hands from his face and glared at him. “Jeez, you don't have to scream on my face.” he added while getting off the bed towards the bathroom.

Amane looked into the mirror with half lidded eyes while brushing his teeth, his dark choppy hair was disheveled with few strands of hair slightly sticking out, and his long sleeved shirt that two buttons were unbuttoned where a bit of his chest is showing.

After taking a bath, Amane wrapped a towel around his torso while drying his hair with another towel. He grabbed his uniform that was hanging on the wall and wore it in a speed.

Amane notices that Tsukasa left early which is unusual since he usually leaves early leaving his brother behind. He smiled to himself before heading on to school.

When he arrived, he saw that his classmates are crowded over to his very own desk. Amane pushed his way towards them. “What's going on?” he asked.

“Letters from the other school got recently delivered.” Yashiro answered. “Your pen pal letter is here, and I must say they're very creative.”

Amane felt intrigued all of a sudden, he went to his desk to see the pen pal letter for himself and when he did, his jaw dropped.

A navy blue parcel with constellations around the paper. It was tied by a twine and dried flowers. A smile ghosted upon Amane's lips, the pen pal knew his aesthetics and his love for stars.

He gently grabbed the parcel from his desk and examined it. To Amane's surprise, he saw a tag clipped from the twine, he reads.

[name] [surname].

The name of his new pen pal.

Amane unwrapped the parcel, there's an envelope that was sealed with wax. 'Fancy' he thought to himself as he slightly sticks out his bottom lip. Other than that, there are polaroids and moon stickers, but there is one thing that caught his eye.

A thin book.

Amane picked up the book, it was an astronomy journal that [name] made for him. 'This person must have made a lot of effort, I admire that.'

Amane opened the envelope first, inside was a neatly folded letter, he carefully unfolded it using his fingers.

Hi Amane Yugi-san,

I'm [name] [surname], your pen pal for this quarter! Well I made an astronomy journal since I saw your letter talking about yourself, hope you like it though ヾ(〃^∇^)ﾉ 

After reading the letter, a smile broke down from Amane’s visuals. His pen pal is revealed to be a girl who is a first year highschool student, like him, studying from Sanaol Academy, which is far from Kamome.

Time flew by like a shooting star in a dark blue sky, Amane went home feeling giddy to write his response to [name]. When he got to his room he immediately grabbed a lot of art materials to work on the letter.

Hello [name]-san,

Thanks for the journal, I love the contents inside of it. Anyways, I hope we'll meet someday and talk about the stars together! I have a playlist where you can listen while stargazing hehe~

Amane smiled to himself, resting his cheek to the heel of his palm while writing his letter to [name]. Maybe this pen pal project isn't going to be bad after all.

Meanwhile in [name]'s side, she was sitting on her swivel chair with a cheeky smile on her face while reading Amane's letter. The strands of her hair are falling to her hair, admiring his words.

“[name], dinner's ready!”

“Coming!” [name] grinned before going downstairs to eat dinner with her family.

“The door of my dreams unreal, you from my memories become real”

@closetweebsmh @closetwaffle

[twhstuckylover]

AS DARKNESS FALLS

CHAPTER 2

SUMMARY: Henry is trying to live with the curse he was given. He believes he is doomed to live eternity in the shadows. But when someone comes into his life, he starts seeing the light.

Previous Chapter: 1

WARNINGS: There are dark themes in the first couple chapters. Death and other serious topics will happen, so if you are uncomfortable with these things, no not read! If you are under the age of 18, please do not read. It is not appropriate for teens and children!

A/N: This is the first time I’ve really written any sort of smut, so it most likely isn’t that well written. This is unbeta’d, so all mistakes are mine! I hope you all enjoy this! Let me know what you think of it! Thanks for reading

WORD COUNT: 2241

PAIRING: Vampire!Henry x Secondary female character

RATING: 18+ (smutty goodness and death)

TAG LIST: @viking-raider @angryschnauzer @dancingwendigo @henrythickcavill @raspberrydreamclouds @mary-ann84 @demivampirew @littlefreya @feelmyroarrrr @angreav @la-rousse-folle @inlovewithhisblueeyes

If you would like to be added to or taken off the tag list, let me know!

I do not give permission to post my story to any other social media site. I don’t give permission to use my story in any way other than to read it and enjoy it.

WARNING #2 Again, there are dark themes in here. If you are not comfortable with death or smut, please don’t read this! If you are under 18, please do not read!

Henry goes to the edge of the forest that surrounds the town and waits. It’s a sick game he likes to play with himself. He sits and waits for someone to find the body.

Maybe deep down he wants someone to catch him and put him out of his misery, so he no longer has to live this sort of life.

But he knows in reality that if someone were to catch him, he would fight for his life. No one can find out about his secret. Even if he does loathe being a creature of the night. He needs to keep this part of him away from everyone. It’s safer for them not to know.

As much as he hates being a vampire, he hates how little disregard humans have for their lives even more. How much they take for granted on a day to day basis. He would kill to be a human again and not take his life for granted. There are so many things he would change if he could go back.

Maybe that’s why he plays this little game. To show the humans just how fragile their lives are and how quickly and violently they can be taken from them.

For several hours, he sits in the tree and waits for the dawn to break. He's so caught up in his thoughts that he doesn't notice the woman coming towards him.

His body stiffens when he hears, ”What are you doing up in the tree, sir?”

Henry glances down and spots a “rough around the edges“ woman staring up at him. ”Nothing that concerns you, miss.”

A smirk plays on her lips, ”I can help you pass the time while you do whatever you're doing, sir.”

He rolls his eyes, ”It would not be wise for you to be around me, miss. I would move along if I were you.”

She chuckles, ”Well, no one has ever called me wise.”

She slides her hand up his thigh and he sighs. ”Not to be rude, miss, but I want to be alone. Please leave me be!”

She moves her hand up higher, ”No one wants to be alone.”

”I do! Now, please leave!”

She shakes her head and her hand reaches her goal. She firmly grabs his manhood through his trousers and Henry lets out a deep sigh.

He runs his fingers through his curly mop of hair, ”I am begging you to leave me alone, miss.”

”I’ll leave once I take care of your need, sir.”

Henry flies down from the tree and startles the woman with his speed. A wicked smirk begins to play on his lips as he checks out his next victim.

He declares, ”You can’t take care of my need and never will be able to. No one can. Now please go before you regret coming near me.”

She pays no mind to his words and begins to undo the buttons of his pants, ”I like a challenge, sir.”

The soiled dove leans up and licks at his plump bottom lip. He leads her backward until her back is against the tree and his eyes turn almost black.

He gets a sinister gleam in his eyes then a wide smile spreads across his face. ”So be it! I will play your little game, but we're going to play by my rules. Do I make myself clear, little fawn?”

She chews on her bottom lip and slowly nods. ”Let me tell you about my fares before we proceed.”

He shakes his head, ”There’s no need for that. I'll pay you whatever your price once we are through.”

She raises her eyebrow at him, ”Well then, sir, shall we start?”

”This is the last chance for you to back out of this and leave me be. Because you will hate yourself for even glancing at me tonight.”

As she nips at his jawline, she says, ”I’ll take my chances, sir, because you're in for a real treat.”

His eyes grow a bit darker, ”I will be the judge of that, little fawn.”

Henry pushes her down on her knees and slides his trousers down his thighs. He grabs the base of his hardening member and moves it around in front of her face. He smirks when he sees her eyes go round when she takes in his size.

”Now be a good girl and wrap those pretty lips around my cock.”

She shakes her head and pleads, ”It’s too big!”

He tsks, ”Now, now! I don't want to hear that negativity. We will take it slow at first, but you will get my dick inside you in more than one of your holes.”

The harlot shakes her head again, ”I can't do it, sir!”

”I am paying for your services, so do as I say. Now take my penis in your mouth. I will not tell you again!”

She grabs the base of his growing erection and brings the tip to her lips. She licks the bead of precum from the slit and gets the first taste of him.

He groans, ”Oh, fuck! Just like that, my little fawn.”

She hums at his praise and laps at the slit again. More precum comes forth and she devours it. He tangles his fingers into her hair and holds her head in place.

Henry thrusts his hips forward and she finally takes him into his mouth. He pushes her head forward and makes her choke on his entire length.

She tries to move away from him, but she is no match for his strength. He keeps her in place and begins to fuck her throat. He gives her no opportunity to catch her breath with his brutal pace, but he doesn't care.

He feels the way her body is moving towards unconsciousness from the lack of air getting to her lungs. He finally pulls away from her when he sees that she's going to pass out.

She lets out a loud gasp when the oxygen comes rushing in, but she gets no rest. Henry picks her weak body up off her knees and swiftly turns her around to face the tree.

The air leaves her lungs again when he roughly thrusts his dick into her soaking core.

”Look at that, little fawn, your cunt is dripping for me! Your body craves to have me in you.”

She cries out, ”Please stop! You're hurting me!”

Henry stops his movements and lets out an annoyed sigh. ”Fine. I'll give you about a minute to get comfortable with my size but after that, you'll have to just take it. Do you understand?”

She nods in agreement and he takes out his pocket watch to see the sixty seconds go on by.

The vampire thrusts shallowly into her as the seconds go by. He smiles to himself when he hears the way her breathing changes from the pleasure she feels.

She jumps when Henry whispers into her ear, ”Ten...nine...eight...seven”

Her body tenses up again in anticipation of what he's going to do and he tsks again. “Relax or it's going to hurt still. You only have four...three...two...and one!”

Henry gives her a hard thrust and the head of his cock slams into her cervix. She lets out a loud moan and moves back into him.

He grips her hips with a bruising pressure and lets his need for release take over. He stops holding back his strength and works his dick in and out of her wet hole.

It's music to his ears as her pleasurable screams fill the night air, ”Yes! Yes! Fuck! Right there, sir!”

She throws her head back onto his shoulder and he growls when he gets a whiff of her scent. His mouth begins to water at the thought of having her blood on his tongue.

He grabs the base of her skull and shoves her face into the bark of the tree. He keeps his hand there while his other hand moves to find her clit.

The soiled dove melts into him as his nimble fingers play with her sensitive nub. ”Does that feel good, little fawn? Do you like the way my fingers rub over your clit? Are you going to cum all over my big dick?”

She yells out, ”Fuck! Yes! Oh, yes! Please don't stop, sir!”

”Oh, I wouldn't dare stop now, darling!”

The smirk comes back onto his face as he feels the way she throbs around him as her orgasm draws near. He thrusts into her hard until his entire manhood is nicely inside her then freezes.

She lets out a long whine and tries to circle her hips to get him to move, but it's to no avail. She's about to protest when he begins the assault on her clit.

She grabs at his wrist to stop him, but he moves his hand faster. It's getting to be too much for her.

He growls deeply into her ear, ”Cum for me, little fawn.”

She doesn't think twice and let's go. Her orgasm travels up and down her nerves and leaves her shaking in their wake. Her knees start to give out on her and Henry holds up her dead weight.

The high of the intense orgasm is beginning to wear off and he picks up a much more punishable pace of his hips.

The pace feels good for a brief moment until reality sets in. She moves her hand back between them and pushes against his hipbone to get him to slow down. He tosses her hand to the side and proceeds to ravish her swollen lips.

”Please slow down, sir! It's beginning to hurt again. I can't take it!”

He lets out a dark laugh, ”Too bad! I let you cum, little fawn. Now it's my turn to have some fun. Shut your mouth and take it!”

The lady of the night begins to cry and Henry slams into her harder. He grips her hair tightly and pulls her head back. The new angle of her head exposes her neck more to him and he licks his lips.

He slides his tongue up the vein in her neck and feels her strong pulse. He whispers into her ear, ”I hope you're ready for this. This is going to be the last thing you'll ever do in your pathetic life.”

The frightened girl looks back at Henry and notices how black his eyes are. Her own eyes grow large when she spots his fangs.

”Wh...wh...what are you?”

He chuckles, ”Your worst nightmare, little fawn.”

Her scream cuts through the hush of the night when she feels him plunge his fangs into her throat.

Henry begins to drink her blood and gets the immediate rush he craves when the liquid touches his tongue.

He feels his climax approaching and his hips begin to falter. He growls against her neck as his orgasm spills into her womb.

He gives her one final rough thrust then moves away from the prostitute. She crumbles to the ground and holds onto her neck. She makes herself into a ball and stares at Henry in horror.

As he tucks himself back into his pants, he sneers, ”I gave you the chance to leave, but you wouldn't listen to me. Now I have to kill you!”

The tears begin to fall down her cheeks again as she begs, ”Please, sir! I won't tell anyone about you! Please don't kill me!”

He stalks towards her with eyes full of evil and blood staining his lips. ”It's time to say goodbye.”

In a quick motion, he snaps her neck and her body goes still. He turns his head up towards the sky and lets out a large outcry of frustration.

He falls to his knees and buries his face in his hands. He hates this part of his curse. He hates taking another life to make sure he stays alive.

It takes him a few minutes to compose himself, but he knows what he has to do. Henry picks up the corpse and discreetly makes his way back to the alley to dispose of it with his other victim.

He makes sure that the coast is clear before he bounds off into the forest again. This time he doesn't stick around for someone to find them.

He's so angry with himself. How could he be so stupid and let that happen? He had a feeling that he shouldn't stay and wait, but he couldn't help himself. He just hopes no one saw him slip up in the forest.

But little does Henry know, someone was watching...

[angrymongol01-archived]

A/N: Am reposting two of my shelved discontinued fem!Hinata fics from my old blog here (for exposure ig? Also I didn't delete them completely there, they're just posted privately lol); for those who've read the original post before and wondering why this blog repost another blog's work, supplies~!! OP here, filling this blog with some Haikyuu content from last October. Enjoy ^^;; ALSO DO NOT SEND HATE ORZ smh

My Masterlist

Prologue | 01 | Omake 01

tho it doesn't looked like an extra chapter at all smh ahaha

Omake 01

wc: 1.9k words

warning: mentions of thigh touching (and probs kidnapping but not implied), a bit of OOC-ness, a few ‘damn’ mentions.

note: indented paragraphs -> flashbacks

*NOTE: since purple/violet is unavailable via PC (using desktop beta lol), I'll use yellow for Ushijima instead.

“…ta…nata…Hinata!”

A female’s voice continued calling her from her deep slumber.

The faint smell of ammonia wafted in the air.

Eyelids slowly opened as she regained consciousness.

“Ah, thank goodness you’re awake now, Hina-chan!”

“Yachi-san?” She groggily glanced at her friend.

“I’ll tell the others she’s awake!” Suddenly, the owner of that voice earlier, Date Tech’s manager, Nametsu Mai, stood up and headed outside the door. Yachi nodded her thanks.

“W-what happened… Where am I? Is this not our—the managers’—room?” she asked.

Hinata started to sit up from where she was laying but wobbled.

Luckily, Yachi and their second-year senpai Kinoshita Hisashi helped her out and gently positioned their fellow member on one corner of the classroom-slash-makeshift sleeping area.

Her senpai sheepishly replied to Hinata, “This is Date Tech’s sleeping quarters. We were having our first practice match of the day, against them, when Sugawara-san called to inform that they’ve found you together with Shiratorizawa, and their captain carried you on—“

The decoy shivered, thinking about the restroom incident hours ago.

“—and fainted on Ushijima’s shoulder. Ma~n, Suga-san’s so furious back then Kageyama had to stop him from killing them.” Kinoshita chuckled.

“Your room’s kinda far away from where they found you, so the managers decided to drop you off here since it’s the nearest one.”

Hinata sweatdropped, a bit embarrassed.

“Ah… thank you, and sorry for whatever inconvenience I have caused earlier…”

Yachi shook her head. “No, no, it’s fine! You’ve done nothing wrong, Hina-chan~,” she grinned at the orange-haired girl.

Smiled back also.

Then she suddenly facepalmed. “I forgot about the practice match! Is it still going yet?”

“It finished an hour ago, we lost—2-1,” a scowling Kageyama answered, trudging towards the three.

“K-k-kageyama…!!!” the female middle blocker blanched with fear, hands gripping the blanket draped on her lap, while the raven-haired setter shot a menacing glare at her, which she averted. “I’m… I’m sorry for—“

“Are you alright?” he quietly asked Hinata, his hand perched on her head.

His deep blue eyes swimming with concern and worry.

She felt a slight flush on her cheeks while meeting his gaze.

“H-hai, I’m fine!” the chibi assured Kageyama. “Nothing to worry about, Bakayama-kun~!”

And she smiled at him.

The boy suddenly became hot and turned to look away from her, hiding his flustered face with the back of his hand.

“H-hinata boke… idiot,” Kageyama stuttered, his heart thumping louder than normal.

Ahh… he sure is whipped for Hinata, that Kageyama boy, Kinoshita thought, shaking his head.

While their blonde manager only giggled.

Recovering from his blushing mess a while ago, the raven-haired setter took a deep breath, narrowed his eyes at Hinata and quipped.

“But I guess you do know that we lost in the match earlier because of your carelessness around your surroundings, right, dumbass?”

He smirked.

This pissed the female decoy and threw in some punches at Kageyama, which he constantly dodged. “Shut up, you!! I said I’m sorry, alright?!”

“No, you did not!”

“Yes, I did, Bakayama!”

There goes their ‘lovers’ quarrel’ again… hahaha…

“Hinata!” Sugawara’s sweet voice boomed inside the room as he entered together with their team’s captain Sawamura Daichi. Beside them tagged along Hinata’s friend from Date Tech, fellow middle blocker Aone Takanobu.

“Ah, Sugawara-san!” The first-year idiot duo stopped their bickering when the gray-haired setter all of a sudden hugged her.

Hc’d Suga and Hinata are chummy-chummy but in a mother/daughter sort of way.

He is, after all, Karasuno’s Sugamama.

“Honey, are you alright now? Did those Shiratorizawa bastards hurt you? Don’t lie to me!” She blinked in reply, baffled.

He might cry in an instant now—

“Oi, Suga, calm down,” Daichi said, drawing circles at the fellow third-year’s back to calm him down.

Aone then stepped closer besides Hinata and sat with his legs crossed, his eyes gazing at hers like Kageyama’s.

“Are you okay?” he asked her, his deep voice nearly startled both Hinata, Yachi and Kinoshita.

Date Tech’s one-third of the famous Iron Wall is a man of few words, and his replies were mostly grunts, hand gestures, and nods.

So it’s rare for him to speak, or ask a question, especially to a member of the opposite sex—or, in this case, at Karasuno’s Number 10. At Hinata Shouyou.

She held both hands at Aone’s now flustered cheeks, and grinned.

“I’m okay now, Aone-san! Don’t worry too much~ nn?” She tilted her head while looking at him.

C-cute… she’s cute, No-Eyebrows thought to himself. Even the other boys thought so, too.

Then he nodded.

Hinata patted his shoulders. “Good!”

Ahhh the power of friendship, feat. AoHina—

“Say, Hina-chan,” Yachi looked at the orange-haired girl. “Care to say to us why you fainted on Ushijima-san’s shoulder?”

The chibi stilled herself, cheeks starting to get a bit red. Kageyama noticed it.

“A-a-ano!! H-hinata-chan, it’s o-okay if you d-don’t have to tell us! S-sorry for asking such a foolish q-question—“

“Yachi-san, calm yourself down, too—,” the captain sweatdropped.

Looking at the people around her, Hinata slowly opened her mouth to speak.

“My thighs are kind of ticklish when being touched,” she muttered, face in an embarrassed state.

“Ha?” “Ticklish?”

“He—Ushijima-san touched the back of my thighs, but just to keep myself from falling down his shoulder!” the female middle blocker said aloud, pouting. “That’s why I… f-fainted earlier.”

Her partner remembered the face she made while being carried on Ushijima Wakatoshi’s shoulder.

“USHIJIMA-SA—hyaah! …P-please… stop—“

A vein pop ticked on the raven-haired setter’s face, his jawline twitching slightly.

Kageyama’s fists gripped hard, his face a big scowling mess.

Damn that Ushiwaka guy—

Another dark aura emitted on another corner as vein pops ticked on both Dadchi and Sugamama.

Wearing their scary faces.

Both Hinata, Yachi and Kinoshita panicked, while Aone furrowed his brows.

“Did you bring some shovels, Daichi?”

“They’re inside the bus compartment, Suga.”

“Good. We’re digging some graves for some perverted volleyball dorks to bury down later—wanna help us, Kageyama?”

———

Meanwhile, at Shiratorizawa’s side of the training camp, the members were at the sidelines, taking a break from practice when—

“ACHOO!!!” Tendou sniffled for the nth time already ever since coming back to the gym with Ushijima after the incident with Karasuno’s Number 10. “Uh, yizz…”

“Tendou-san, are you really alright?” their team’s first-year ace-in-the-making Goshiki Tsutomu asked, his face scrunched with worry. “You’re sneezing constantly.”

The redhead shook it off with a wave of his hand in reply, and smiled grimly.

“Yeah, I’m a-OK, thanks for your concern, Tsutomu-kun!”

“Oi, are you sick?” Shiratorizawa’s team mom third-year setter Semi Eita stared at his fellow third-year teammate with disgust. “If you are, please stay away from us! We don’t wanna get infected by your cold… Goshiki, don’t go near him!” “Eh? But, senpai—“

Tendou narrowed his eyes on him. “Semi-Semi, if I do have a cold, I will first go straight at ya and share my germs, duh!”

“DON’T CALL ME BY THAT STUPID NICKNAME, YOU IDIOT!” the team mom seethed, throwing a pack of tissues at the middle blocker in reply, hitting his arm.

A quarrel ensued at Shiratorizawa—

“Okay, guys, that’s enough! Save your bickering later at lunch period,” another third-year, Oohira Reon, chided and managed to stop both Tendou and Semi from tearing off their heads.

While the rest of the team just sighed and/or watched at a distance.

“Ano sa…”

Some of them turned their heads at the semi-deep voice of second-year starting setter Shirabu Kenjiro.

Idk how to describe voice ranges ‘cept high-pitch, deep blah blah sorry—

“Tendou-san, you mentioned earlier that you and Ushijima-san met Karasuno’s Number 10, right?”

“Aye~ we have!” the redhead then nudged Ushijima, who was sitting near him, on the side. “Right, Wakatoshi-kun?”

He nodded. “Un. We met Hinata Shouyou early this morning, outside the gym.”

“EHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! You two met that cute sunshine already upon arrival!?!!” Both their libero, Yamagata Hayato, and middle blocker, Kawanishi Taichi, squawked at their captain.

Their faces looked like (‘◉⌓◉’), with Kawanishi gripping the collar of Shirabu’s shirt, shaking wildly.

“T-taichi, stop shaking me, goddammit—!” Whack!

Said second-year middle blocker started to wail in a dramatic way.

“WHYYYYYYYYYYY—!!”

Dunno how to grasp Kawanishi’s personality here tbh so stfu dejk—

“We were about to bring her here back though…” Then Ushijima’s usual stoic face darkened a bit.

“…if only those Karasuno setters didn’t show up.”

“Ah, that Kageyama guy and their vice-captain, isn’t it? Number 2?” Shirabu pointed out. “That guy’s really scary even though he has the face of an angel; their captain also.”

Oohira asked, “Wait… so you two attempted to kidnap the girl?”

“No, no, ‘kidnapping’ will only cause us trouble,” Tendou said, waving his hand in a disapproving way.

“Let’s call it ‘luring her with some sweets then put her inside a potato sack’—“

“ARE YOU A DOWNRIGHT LOLICON!?!!” Semi screamed straight at the Guess Monster’s face, pissed at his earlier statement.

Tendou vs Semi, Round 2–

“I-I heard from Date Tech’s Koganegawa-san that Hinata-chan fainted on you, Ushijima-san,” Goshiki stammered, red tinge on both his cheeks due to embarrassment, maybe? “Is that true?”

Ushiwaka nodded curtly. “Ye—“

“EHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! SHE DID WHAAAAAAAAAAT!?!!” Both Yamagata and Kawanishi squawked again, interrupting his response.

Their faces now looked like (● ˃̶͈̀ロ˂̶͈́)੭ꠥ⁾⁾, with Kawanishi again gripping the collar of Shirabu’s shirt, shaking wildly.

“KAWANISHIIIIII!” An uppercut.

Chaos ensued inside the Shiratorizawa Academy (High School Division) Men’s Volleyball Club.

Their captain declared to himself, his olive-colored eyes shone with determination:

We will take Hinata Shouyou here, in Shiratorizawa. She should have (come here). Whatever the consequences be.

“WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU SLACKING OFF, YOU NIMRODS!!! GET YOUR ASSES BACK TO PRACTICE!!!!”

“HAI!!!!”

———

How did the supposed-to-be ‘rumor’ begin? It all started when…

“Aaaarrrggghhh!! This is not right, Ryuu!”

“Huh? What d’you mean ‘not right’, Noya?”

“I want to sit next to our cute kouhai Shouyou on the bus earlier, but it’s always that bastard Kageyama who gets to sit beside her!! Hnnnnnngh—!!! He gets to touch Shouyou’s hair whenever she dozes off, or place her head on his shoulder to sleep on! Or-or maybe even take a candid shot of her sleeping cutely—dammit!!! This is frustrating!!!!!”

“Ahhh~ I know how you feel, bro! I, too, want to sit next to our precious Hinata-chan on the bus! B-but… Noya, what about Kiyoko-san?”

“Ryuu bro, our loyalty is always on our beautiful goddess Kiyoko-san—BUT SHE’S DIFFERENT FROM SHOUYOU! Our kouhai is literally the epitome of a living sunshine~! She cures our blues away! Remember that time during our match with Wakunan, when you were kind of down about Daichi-san’s injury then Shouyou suddenly hugged and peppered you with words of encouragement?”

“Oh, yeah! It calmed my senses down… and also! Remember when you came back from your suspension, and me and Hinata noticed bruises—“

idk I really need to refresh my HQ knowledge by rereading the whole manga orz—

“—on your arms? Ma~n, she freaked out and began applying those with some ointment she had in her bag. And you told me later that time Hinata’s hands were very soft even though she spiked and blocked so many balls in her lifetime? Also that expression on your face! So priceless!”

“Ahhhh~ I wanna touch Shouyou’s soft hands again longer! Not just a high five—but holding hands!”

“Me too~ Damn, I wish there’d be some kind of (rotational?) seating arrangement whenever we’re on the bus, traveling to matches and stuff…”

“Ryuu! Noya! Heya!”

“Tora! Our shitty (city) boy from Tokyo—wassup!”

“We can’t wait to play another game against you guys later! ww”

“Same here!”

“Ah, what are you guys talking about?”

“OUR PRECIOUS KOUHAI HINATA/SHOUYOU!!!”

“Eh? Shrimpy-chan? What about her?”

“It’s like this….—“

The two crows and mohawked cat walked their way inside the camp premises, talking.

Unbeknownst to them, two eagles accidentally eavesdropped on the earlier conversation.

DO NOT REPOST/EDIT WITHOUT PERMISSION. PLAGIARISM IS A CRIME, KIDS. LIKES ESPECIALLY REBLOGS ARE HIGHLY APPRECIATED. ALL WORKS © angrymongol01 - 2021.

[xxisxxisxxis]

Gateway Drug | Part Sixty-Four

***IMPORTANT: This was too long to put into one post apparently, so this is part 1 of this chapter, and the link for part 2 will be at the end of the chapter. Thank you and have good night/day***

Words: 5.8k

Warning(s): explicit language, violence, sexual situations

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“Damnit, bp is 183/111.” A nurse says after they get me on a gurney and she takes my blood pressure, twice. “Mrs. Sixx is your head or chest hurting, vision blurring?” She asks me and I nod my head, my eyes closed, still struggling to breathe, my skin beginning to get sticky with sweat. 

“My head.” I tell her.

“Okay, I need you to keep your eyes open for me just for a little bit, so you can tell me if things start looking fuzzy, alright?”

I nod and she smiles reassuringly at me.

“Just stay as calm as possible and we’ll get your blood pressure under control.” She states, beforing looking at the nurse walking on the other side of the gurney. “I need an IV of Beta-blockers.” She tells her, and in what feels like seconds, she's scrubbing at the crook of my elbow with an alcohol pad, before I’m feeling the pinch of a needle sliding into my skin.

“Where’s Duff? The guy I came in here with?” I ask, trying to calm myself down, but I don’t think it’s working.

“He’s filling out some paperwork for you while the desk contacts your emergency contact to let them know the situation and then he will be right here with you as soon as we get you stable.” She informs me and I feel panic in my chest, as I try to sit up, only for them to gently push me back down. “Vivian, you are in a hypertensive crisis. You need to lay still and avoid getting yourself worked up even more.”

“My emergency contact is my husband and he is the last motherfucker I want to know about this!” I argue in between breaths. “Now tell the bitch at the front desk to leave him out of it or I will stroke out just to fucking spite you because I’ve got nothing to lose at this point!”

I sound pathetic, struggling to breathe, gasping out the words in the best scream I can muster, and she raises her brows at me.

They tried to stop Nikki from being contacted, but he was...well, they left a message to the machine at our house, which he ended up checking from his hotel room later that day.

They get my blood pressure down within a few minutes and keep me under watch for several hours, before my doctor finally decides it’s time to tell me what the hell happened, although with how many times I’ve heard the word “hypertension”, I’m assuming it’s not good.

“You had a transient ischemic attack, which, when you take the complicated sounding name away, is basically a ministroke.” He explains, and my eyes widen. “It’s not as major as a stroke, especially since this was caught before it could develop into something worse, but your brain was still not receiving the amount of oxygen needed in your blood because it’s pressure was way too high, but good news for you is that your brain isn’t showing signs of damage that can affect your mind like a stroke would. That being said, this does increase your risk of having a major stroke down the line. No one in your family has a history of stroke or high blood pressure, which typically suggests, more times than not, it is either something you took--medication, alcohol, drugs, etc. or it’s your environment. Is there anything you took, or drank, prior to experiencing your symptoms?”

“I took Nyquil...four doses worth in less than six hours.” I tell him and Duff looks at me, confused. “I couldn’t sleep.” I add.

“N-Nyquil?” Duff asks me, quietly, as if in disbelief. “You had a ministroke...because of an over the counter cold medicine?”

The doctor flips through my chart before pursing his lips.

“Are you still taking Nardil on a daily basis?” He asks me and I nod.

“Yes.”

“Okay, that’s where things went south.” He confirms. “There is a warning on the back of Nyquil syrup, stating that the way MAO Inhibitors, which is a class of antidepressant that phenelzine--Nardil--falls under, interact with the dextromethorphan HBr and the doxylamine succinate in Nyquil, has a high chance of causing hypertension--very high blood pressure-- which can really hurt the brain and the heart, and since you took eight tablespoons of it, it really is miraculous that you didn’t have a major stroke before you even got in the car to come here.” He adds and I feel shitty for being a complete dumbass. “I will give you a sheet of over the counter medicines to avoid before we get you checked out here in a couple hours.” He assures me before heading to the door of the tiny room.

“Thank you.” Duff says as he leaves, and he turns to look at me, trying to hide a smile. “Nyquil.” He states, raising his brows. “You can’t take Nyquil. Without--”

“--Shut up.” I state, trying not to start laughing because I could’ve really been in trouble.

“Oh, c’mon, Viv, you had me freaking out worried something horrible was wrong--which it was, really--but Nyquil?”

“I have seen idiots mix drugs with all types of mess and their bodies not even acknowledge it, but I take Nyquil…” I trail off, not being able to stop laughing. “...and it’s too much for me? Hell, at this point if I have one taste of a hard drug I’m just gonna croak over immediately.”

The two of us keep laughing for a couple minutes, until I’m sore in the stomach, and my watering eyes from laughter, are watering because the reality of everything that has happened to me in the past four three days, hits me.

Duff just sits on the tiny bed next to me, holding at my hand, wiping at my tears, giving me a big, encouraging smile.

“I love you.” I tell him and he nods, kissing my cheek.

“I love you, too.” He tells me. “This will blow over before you know it, Viv.”

Once I get checked out and we head back to Duff’s place, I quickly realize something I haven’t even thought about.

“Your album is coming out.” I say, looking at him and he glances at me, chuckling.

“Yeah.” He confirms. “In like, two days.”

“Holy shit.” I mumble. “I gotta take you guys out to dinner or something.” I rub my tired eyes and he shakes his head.

“No, no, it’s fine, Viv.”

“No, it’s not. This is a good time for you guys and I just came home all gloom and doom and shit all over it. I need to do something for you guys.” I explain.

“You’re not ‘gloom and doom’, you’re hurting. Which is normal for what you’ve been through, and being that we helped hide it from you, you don’t need to be worried about inconveniencing us. At all.” He argues.

“It’ll help me get my mind off of things.” I suggest.

“You don’t really need to get your mind off of it. You need to be processing everything and figuring out where you wanna go from here.” He politely tells me.

“I can’t go anywhere from here, Duff. Not until the tour’s over.” I laugh humorlessly and he furrows his brows.

“What?”

"Doc doesn't want us to split until the tour's over. Not that it should even matter. People don't give a damn about our marriage as much as Doc is convinced they are. It's not like the second fans hear we're filing for divorce they're gonna go on a strike over it." I roll my eyes. 

"They won't care." Duff tells me.

"Exactly." 

"...Do you want a divorce?" He asks next and I lick my lips. 

"I don't know." I admit, tears coming to my eyes at the thought of it.

“Does he?”

“Duff, I don’t know, alright? We’ll just figure it out when the tour ends.”

“Vivian, that’s nearly a year from now.” He states.

“Well, then, I don’t fucking know! Okay?! I don’t fucking know!”

“I’m trying to get you to think about what you want to do because you’ll just end up putting it off and ignoring it like you do with all of your problems you’ve got with him.” He explains, keeping himself calm.

“I’ll deal with it later.”

“Viv--”

“--Duff. Please.” I give up, and he lets out a breath.

“I’m dropping it.” He mumbles.

After a few more minutes, he’s glancing at me again.

“We’re having a listening party for the album tomorrow night, by the way.” He tells me. “We’d really like for you to come, if you’re up for it.” He adds and a small smile comes to my lips.

“Yeah.” I nod.

“Yeah?” He asks, mimicking my smile.

“Yeah.”

The next day, I decide to go home and visit with Karen, trying to convince myself not to completely wreck the place the second I walk in.

She’s sitting on the couch with the TV playing in the background.

When I walk in, she looks up at me and gives me a soft smile.

“Hey.” She tells me, nervously, and I roll my jaw and look around.

I never noticed how many fucking pictures Nikki and I have up together from our wedding.

“Doc told me to keep an eye out for you, I was kinda worried when you didn’t come home.” She adds.

“I was staying with Duff.” I tell her, and she still tries to keep her smile on her face.

“Oh, um, you’ve got some mail, and Doc called and wanted you to call him back, and I’m sorry I wasn’t here when the hospital called. I just checked the messages late last night but Doc said Nikki had already heard the one the receptionist in the ER left.” She tells me and I let out a sigh.

“Great, something else to hear Doc bitch me out about.” I grumble, stepping to the phone in the kitchen, seeing the mail on the counter next to it.

I see she scribbled down the hotel phone number that they’re at now, and Doc’s hotel room number, on a paper pad and I punch the number in and request it to be put through to Doc.

Before I can get a breath out, I’m hearing all of it.

“Are you fucking out of your mind, Vivian? ‘Bless their hearts’?! I told you repeatedly what to tell the press and you don’t listen to a word of it?! And then you go home and end up in the fucking emergeny room?! What, did ya try to kill yourself or something, what the hell happened?!”

I raise my brows and blink a few times.

“I wasn’t paying attention to the warning label of some Nyquil and I took some to sleep, and it didn’t react well with my antidepressant. I’m alive, I’m fine, I wasn’t trying to kill myself, and would you rather me have said, ‘Vanity and Nikki fucked me over and everyone who was supposed to have my back, let them’?”

I hear his heavy breath exhaling on the other end of the line.

“Alright, Viv, alright. Just don’t say anything else to the press, please. The journalist at Rolling Stone is gonna be here in a couple of days, just please, please, please, be on your best behaviour. I’ve already talked to Nikki and he’s agreed to play nice, please, do so too.” He begs.

I didn’t want to “play nice” but I decided to so I wouldn’t make things harder for everybody, including myself, but just being blatantly hateful.

“Fine, Doc.” I agree and he sighs out in relief.

“Thank you, Viv.” He tells me and I roll my eyes.

“Yep.” I reply before hanging the phone up.

When I pick up the pile of mail, an envelope falls to the floor and I reach down to pick it up, seeing it’s addressed to me, from Playboy Enterprises.

I furrow my brows and open the envelope, grabbing at the paper inside and unfolding it before I read it.

“Dude.” I say to myself, furrowing my brows.

Someone had seen me half naked, demonstrating my flexibility, in the “Girls, Girls, Girls” video and a cover shoot for Playboy and a 12 page pictorial was on the table for $40,000, if I was up for it. Of course any other time I wouldn’t have thought twice...but this time, it was being considered.

“Forty-thousand?” Sharise asks me on the other end of the line later that day.

“Forty freaking thousand.” I reply.

“Who the hell wants to see you naked so bad?” 

“I don’t know  but I’m not mad at it.” I reply.

“Are you gonna do it?”

“I don’t know. Should I?”

“You just found out Nikki’s been cheating on you with one of your friends, Viv, I think you should take some time to think about it in case you make the decision to do it and then realize you shouldn’t have agreed to it, ya know?”

“I don’t have any money of my own, Sharise. If he leaves me, he’s not gonna leave me anything. I’m gonna be out of luck. I could use the money.” I explain. “And they didn’t say whether I had to be nude or not so I’ll look into the details and just go from there.”

“You are the absolute last person I would ever expect to take up an offer from Playboy.”

“Desperate times.” I shrug.

“More like, ‘what can I do to piss Nikki off’, times.” She points out.

“Vanity’s posed in Playboy before. Maybe he would've liked me enough not to cheat on me if I would've been more like her to begin with.” I sarcastically say, but there is a smile part of me that really feels that way. 

"Don't compare yourself to her, Viv." She argues politely. 

"I'm not." I lie, setting the letter from Playboy down. 

I hear Skylar screaming and crying in the background and Sharise sighs out. 

"I gotta go, Viv, I'll call you back later. Skylar just fell." She tells me.

"Alright, I'll come visit you guys before I leave." I assure her.

"Okay. We love you and we'll see you then." 

"I love you, too, tell Sky I love her." 

"I will."

"Bye."

"Bye." 

I hang up and let out a soft breath, glancing at the number on the letter once again, rubbing my lips together before deciding to start getting ready to meet the guys for their album listening party before it drops.

For the first time in a few days, I look at myself in the mirror, taken back by how shitty I look.

The dark circles under my eyes are more prominent than usual, my eyes themselves look nearly dead, my hair is kinda nappy since I haven't brushed it in a couple days, and my mouth feels gross because I haven't bothered to brush my teeth.

I get in the shower, hoping it'll make me feel better.

The only thing it does is make me want to call Duff and tell him I can't make it tonight, but like I always do, I persist and finish getting ready, nearly fooling myself when I look in the mirror and make myself smile. 

My doorbell is ringing within the next thirty minutes, and I'm spritzing on perfume as I hear Karen open the door to let the guys in. 

I'm pulling my heels on, stepping into the living room.

"Hey." I greet Duff and Steven, and Steven's immediately hugging onto me. 

"I'm sorry." He says, apologizing for the part he played in Nikki's bullshit. 

I hug him back, not able to help but smile at how tightly he's hugging me. 

"It's okay, Stevie." I tell him, genuinely. 

He kisses my cheek and gives me one last tight squeeze before letting me go. 

"Are we ready?" Duff asks me and I nod.

"Alright, we'll have her back home at a reasonable time." Steven tells Karen, and she chuckles.

"Stay out of trouble." She tells us as we head to the door. 

"We will." I assure her as we head out the door to get in Duff's car. 

All of their friends are there, everyone of them giving them wide smiles and big hugs as I hold onto Duff's hand as we weave through the crowd to the bar.

“Hi.” Slash says to me, sunglasses on, hat low, and I raise my brows at him.

“Are you okay?”

“Yep.” He replies, sipping from the Jack bottle in his hand, pulling out a cigarette.

“Can I have one?” Duff asks him.

“Yeah, if you’ve got a light.” Slash replies with a little grin and Duff pulls the lighter from his pocket and lights Slash’s cigarette before his own.

“You want a drink?” He asks me next and I look up at him.

“Water.” I tell him with a nod, suddenly feeling an arm slip over my shoulders.

It’s Izzy, and he looks like he’s been on cloud 9 for a little bit now, a loose smile on his lips as cigarette smoke flows from his mouth with his exhaled breath.

“Hey, you.” He tells me, and I lick my lips.

“Hey, asshole.” I shrug his arm off, remembering him yelling at me the other night.

“Ouch, am I on your shit list, too, now?” He asks me and I glance at him, making his smile widen, his eyes crinkling slightly. “I forget you’re sensitive, Viv.” He adds.

“Maybe me shoving my foot up your ass will remind you.” I state, Duff turning to hand me my water.

Izzy looks down at the clear liquid and frowns slightly.

“That’s why you’re sad.” He motions to it. “You need the strong stuff.”

I know what he means, but I try to play it off by saying, “what, sparkling water?”

“Izzy, man, she doesn’t drink.” Duff cuts in, lightly, but I know he’s being serious. 

“Just making a suggestion.” Izzy shrugs, his eyes on a pretty blonde that passes. “I’ll be right back.”

He follows after her and I roll my eyes, taking a sip of water, as “Welcome to the Jungle” starts playing over the speakers.

Everyone starts cheering, all the guys stop what they’re doing, all of them sharing the same, proud smiles.

Once I’m done with my water, Duff, Slash, Izzy, Steven and Axl are all together, trying to gauge everyone’s reactions to their album so far.

Everyone seems to really like it.

“I’m gonna get another water.” I tell Duff, and he nods. “Do you need a refill?” I ask him, motioning to his cocktail.

“No, thanks though.” He tells me and I head to the bar, Izzy’s suggestion echoing in my mind as my eyes fall on the array of liquor bottles on display on the back wall shelf behind the bar.

My mind drifts to what would happen if I were to have a cocktail.

I step to the bar and order the last alcoholic drink I had, although accidental at the time.

Before I can talk myself out of it, I’m throwing back my shot of Tequila, nearly choking at the burn of it before feeling warmth radiate throughout my chest as it goes down.

Next thing I know, I’m seven shots in starting to feel less tense...even less tense when I try to walk and nearly faceplant, laughing instead of feeling embarrassed before walking as best as I can to the guys.

“Where’s your water?” Duff asks me, and I look at my hands, furrowing my brows.

“I don’t know.” I reply, honestly, and his brows raise and his eyes widen when he gets a whiff of my breath.

“Oh, shit, Viv, you smell like--”

“--Tequila!” I finish saying it in the way it’s said in “Tequila” by The Champs.

He’s stunned for a moment, and I’m trying to keep from looking him up and down.

“H-How much did you drink?” He asks me politely and I squint my eyes as I try to remember.

“I lost count after four.” I admit.

“Viv, I don’t think you’re supposed to be drinking with your medication.” He tells me.

“Doesn’t matter when the shit isn’t making me feel better anyway.” I reply without a thought, my speech starting to slur, my gaze focusing the best it can on the bottle in Slash's hand.

It reminds me of Nikki.

"I want Nikki." I say next and Duff can probably sense a storm coming, turning around and seeing the guys aren't paying attention. 

"Hey, she's not feeling too good so I'm gonna take her home." He tells them. "I'll be back." He assures them. 

"Alright, dude." Steven replies and Duff sits his drink down. 

"Let's get outta here." He tells me, grabbing at my hand and leading me to his car, causing me to be sidetracked by the payphone. 

"Gimme some change." I tell him.

"Viv, c'mon, you need to go home." He tries to guide me away but I refuse. 

"I miss Nikki. I wanna talk to him."

"He's probably asleep right now, Viv. You can call him tomorrow." He suggests.

"He won't talk to me anyway. He hates me." I reply, stumbling to the passenger side of the car and he helps me stay balanced, opening the door for me and helping me get in before he shuts the door and walks around to the passenger seat. 

It's a quiet drive home.

I miss Nikki.

He punches in the code of our gate and pulls into the driveway, helping me out.

I take my heels off and toss them down on the concrete, causing him to reach down and grab them for me as I clumsily make my way to the door. 

"Here, here, I got it." He assures me when I try to open the door, singling out our house key from his car keys. 

"I'm sorry for ruining your night." I tell him. "It was suppose to be a fun night--"

"--It was fun, Viv." He promises. "I'm going back anyway when I make sure you're settled here." He adds, opening the door. "I'll let Karen know what's up and--"

"Karen's out tonight, Duff." I cut him short, remembering that she told me earlier today about going out for one of her girl friends' birthdays, not able to keep my eyes off of him. 

"Oh." He says. "Well, I can stay here until she comes back." He tells me. "I'll go ahead and get you some water." He heads to the kitchen, and a sick plan twists itself into my skull. 

When he comes back with my water and hands it to me, I just sit it on the coffee table in the living room before turning to look at him. 

"You need to drink that, Viv." He politely says, but I just step closer to him, and apparently he can tell what I'm thinking based off my expression because he's gently grasping my hand in his when I reach out to pull him closer to me. "We can't, Vivian."

"Why not? Because of Nikki? As if he gives a shit."

"But I do. I give a shit. And you're drunk. And you're heartbroken. And I'm not adding to the damage before you even process what's already been done." He states. 

"You've wanted to fuck me for how long and here's your shot, and you're turning me down to spare my feelings?" I scoff out. "Where the fuck is Vince Neil when you need him?" I say to myself outloud, irritated with Duff, about to push past him to go to my room. 

"Somewhere in the midwest, believing Nikki is still right for screwing Vanity." He argues, frustrated that I'm not understanding that he's trying to do the right thing. 

I stop for a second, and turn to look at him, again. 

"Vivian, I want to, but I can't--"

"--You didn't tell me about Nikki and Vanity, either." I remind him harshly. "So, when you think about it, you owe me, Duff." I hiss.

"I was protecting y--"

"--If you were protecting me, you would have told me!" I outburst, tears in my eyes. "You wouldn't have put me in a position that allowed me to be humiliated like that! Nobody would have if they were really looking out for me!" 

He's got tears in his eyes now, and he exhales. 

"I'm not gonna stay here and let you badger me for doing what I thought was the best thing to do." He says, walking to the door. 

"Yeah, just leave me like Nikki! Just go get shitfaced and pout and end the night on top of another girl because that's how everybody else solves their fucking issues!" 

He snaps around, causing me to bump into him from where I'm following at his heels.

"I'm not Nikki." He says through his teeth.

"You didn't tell me." I repeat weakly. "Nobody told me."

His frustration dissipates, and he takes a couple of steps to me, before leaning down, suddenly taking my lips with his. 

The numbing effect of being kissed and held is potent, and a sick part of my mind pictures I'm with Nikki, and not Duff. 

I try to keep my eyes closed the best I can to keep the illusion alive, even when clothes start being torn off, even when my legs are wrapped around his bare hips, my naked back against the wall and his tongue and mine dancing as adrenaline and ecstasy course through me. 

With each thrust, I'm growing more sober, more conscious to the fact this isn't Nikki.

He stops abruptly, pulling away from me, furrowing his brows. 

"Viv?"

"Yeah?" I ask, still not opening my eyes. 

"Look at me." He says softly and I gently shake my head. "Viv--"

"--Just keep going." I tell him, my voice cracking, as a lump forms in my throat. 

"Are you crying?" He asks next, and I finally look at him. 

He looks horrified and guilty, as if he's screaming at himself internally for being shitty.

He's not shitty. I am.

"I'm sorry." I say next.

"Jesus Christ." He lets out, a single tear falls past his lashes and he's pulling out of me and putting me back on my feet as fast as he can.

"Duff." 

He ignores me, pulling his clothes on.

"Duff, please." I grab at his arm and he shakes me off, putting his boots back on, sniffling, wiping his eye quickly, picking up his jacket and getting his car keys. "Duff, I'm sorry--"

"--I'm not Nikki." Is the last thing he says before slamming my front door shut. 

"Vivian?" I'm snapping out of my daydream, seeing Steven furrowing his brows, the loud verse of "Mr. Brownstone" blaring in my ears from the club speakers.

"Yeah?" I reply to him. 

"I was coming to get a refill, Duff wanted me to come check on you." He tells me and I look down at the empty water glass in my hand. 

"Oh, yeah. I'm fine." I assure him with a smile. 

"Okay, just making sure." 

.

.

.

-> Gateway Drug | Part Sixty-Four (pt. 2)

[elmidol]

PSA: Being Damaged Doesn’t Excuse Hurting Others

For the longest time I said nothing at all in regards to the harassment and stalking I received by an author I met in person. To my knowledge they have left the fandom, however maybe they just changed their penname. Seeing the post by @wayward-rose​ and the rest who were wronged by Mrs. Z and the reactions from others who have been uncomfortable with her behavior, it sort of made me reevaluate things. Not only the behavior of the author who wronged me, but my own actions subsequent to this. The excuse given by Mrs. Z in regards to multiple hate asks and such have led to her reactions… I get it but I do not condone it. For so long I did not name the author save to a few friends. Some know the author’s name solely because I have since admitted that it was the former co-author of the “This Isn’t In My Programming” fic that was discontinued. I’ve been asked even recently for the author’s name as well as what exactly happened.

This may be long-winded, I don’t know. I am not excusing negative behavior from my end on here that I will be disclosing. This is, in a way, something I should have spoken about much sooner. When certain readers at the time could tell there was an extreme difference in my attitude. Where I became very intolerant of some things. This is how I was not completely the victim, but at times the one in the wrong. And it is due to my experience that I can understand some of Mrs. Z’s bitterness but not her acceptance of it and the argument that she is in the right. This is not making it about me either. This is at last coming forward after having been asked to do so for close to two years.

 The author, MeganD1, and I met in person a few times. We had connected over instagram, and after she learned we lived in neighboring states she had said it would be cool to meet. I agreed but was not quite ready. She persisted. Pushed. I agreed. Upon agreeing, she had posted on her fandom instagram that she was meeting me along with the location of where I lived. I told her I was NOT okay with that. She deleted, apologized, but also said she did not know why it was a big deal. I let that slide since she had deleted it. During that first meeting, we had a great time. I told her how one of my favorite Lucasfilm artists, Eric Maell, had reached out to me one time when I was going through a very rough period. It had meant the world. I told Megan of my dream to meet him one day at a convention. She hadn’t known the artists aside from one piece he had done. She had had no interest in him.

 While together, we went shopping at a mall and talked. She did admit to contacting me to begin with because I had been one of the bigger author names for Kylo/Reader and Hux/Reader fics at the time. She also admitted to talking shit about me with another author. And I regret not listening to those warning bells. Megan and I discussed triggers and tropes in fanfics (which we did again on our second meeting). We had fun.

 The second time she visited, I had invited her and she stayed a few days at my house. We again went shopping and also sat down at a restaurant to talk. I opened up about my sexual assault to her. It was the first time I had spoken about details to someone in person like that. I kept having to look away from her face. I felt ashamed. I was shaking a bit. Trying to not panic. I thought it was a relief, believed she was understanding.

 We went to my house afterwards. On the way, Megan told me some plans she had for a fic of hers that she was writing and I was reading. I mentioned having triggers with those issues. So she elaborated on it, explained it differently. There was 0 way I'd have known that it was going to trigger me as it did. I'd NEVER been triggered like that. this was after she had gone back home. That’s what I’ll touch upon in a minute. We watched The Office together. Pitched the idea to co-write a story, and that is how This Isn’t In My Programming was born. Side note that during her visiting, I have endometriosis so have issues with that. I was doubled over the entire time but learned later it was due to having colitis; she did not help at all, so I essentially took out all her trash, took all her dishes, had to cook for her..which some of this is fine. I'm willing to do it. But being literally doubled over....it was a sore thing that I didn't address with her until later

 Fast forward to her returning home, writing the chapter, and posting it. Okay so I was triggered by the scene, privately told her on chat in instagram that she needed to include a trigger warning because it was a pretty intense scene and also told her that I couldn't read the fic anymore. Which I didn't think was an issue since she had stopped reading mine for similar reasons or else because she just didn't like them. She reacted by posting an a/n on her fic stating how she never meant to offend anyone, how she should give up writing. She didn't mention my name but basically got a ton of the readers to shittalk me for being triggered. It was one of the most hurtful and fucked up things for me. To read those comments from people who read my fics, who chatted with me. Talking about me like that; and me wondering if they would still believe that if they knew all the details. So here is where some bitterness and resentment started in me. Why some of my notes became venomous and hard.

 It was not okay for me to say certain things, to bash others. It was hypocritical. So this is where I understand Mrs. Z when she says that about the hate comments. But we’re adults and should take that step back. I regret many of the things I said. Which, again, I will get to in a bit.

 Megan posted on her fandom ig and personal ig how she was going to delete her ig. Told me in chat how she was going to give up writing. Where I was begging her to not, telling her I did love her writing, I just couldn't read this specific fic. Mind you, during the panic attack I was in the bathroom on the floor with a towel shoved into my mouth and screaming and crying. Struggling to breathe. I had my phone with me and was chatting with Juulna between breaths when I could. She was trying to help me calm, to get me through it. I didn’t share that with Megan because I had not wanted her to feel so bad. I did not give her the details of my panic attack, but she still reacted so severely.

 When she calmed down, I tried to get her to understand why that had hurt me. She couldn't understand so I said that we should end communications. She said she was open to discussing things if I felt differently. So I thought on it and wrote up an email explaining how she had hurt me and also my part in having let a few emotions fester such as not addressing her behavior when I was doubled over in pain.  I am going to show the email. There is a name of another author that will be omitted. First I have to speak of another thing, how MeganD1 would tell me in chat how she wished she had endometriosis or something else to better understand others. I did not know at the time that she was asking Juulna for information on my health conditions and playing it off as someone else. This Juulna and I pieced together after the post-stalking fic got put on ao3 by putting together portions of conversation with keywords/phrases/situations. So this alone was a violation to me. Especially with how open I am about my conditions because I want to spread awareness. I’m mentioning this behavior since it is addressed in the email.

She countered by saying she could never put herself in my shoes for being triggered because she is an only child, doesn't have to "wait to buy things when they're on sale" (due to my medical conditions, I live with my parents and can't hold a job). Threw my family dynamics at me. Then started to go through how she was bullied since a young age. And it isn't like I didn't empathize. I thanked her for being honest with me. I’m going to show a small portion here that does not include her personal information or anything like that.

So a disclaimer that the only people I have directly told I cannot continue reading their fic are friends with whom I chat with off of ao3 and largely due to them asking me what I think of the latest chapter. Otherwise I wouldn’t say a thing. They, likewise, have done the same with me. I thought it was so we could respect boundaries/triggers and support one another with other fics we could read. Cheering them on with those we can’t. I have worked on this since everything happened. I’m not perfect. Back to the issue...

After this email and taking time to digest it, I restated my position that we were parting ways.

Not long later I went onto the Kylo/Reader page and a summary of a new fic caught my eye. That was my hometown. That was not a Star Wars planet being named. Those tags were all my triggers and some of them were things she had openly bashed to my face. I had another panic attack, this one where I called up Juulna to talk in with voice. She couldn’t even understand me.Nor could my mother, who had heard me from downstairs and came up to check on me. I couldn’t stop crying, couldn’t stop feeling so violated and like the biggest fucking idiot for ever trusting her. I opened the fic because I was in doubt. But it was there. Details that others wouldn’t catch but that I did. She has since deleted the fic and even admitted that she did it to spite me. But this was the fic that changed so much. That made it to where I could not go onto the Kylo/Reader page for years.

This was the fic that prompted me to make a note on instagram a few times bashing people who romanticize rape and other triggering content. Where I stated if someone read those fics they were disgusting and I didn’t want them near me. So can I understand Mrs. Z being harsh? I fucking can, but it does not make it right just like my notes were not right and I deleted them. I reached out to a few people and apologized for them too.

This is the fic where when @kylosbrickhousebody​ mentioned I inspired them with Three Blind Tooke to write Mercurial...this is the fic that made me think it was a sick joke that they mentioned me. Why I thought it was malicious. I hadn’t known her, and I did apologize to her for my accusations. She understood where I was coming from when I told her why I thought that. Understood but equally held me accountable for my reaction. That I lashed out instead of coming to her. Because, at the end of the day, I AM accountable for MY actions. Even if we can empathize with them, it does NOT make them right.

I’ve been asked why I didn’t report the fic by MeganD1 to ao3. I was fucking terrified. I was scared to admit that this was me, that that was my home. I was scared they wouldn’t believe me. I was dealing with my sexual assault, dealing with the fact that I was in denial over it in part because I’d been told to “get over it”. Dealing with the colitis and an impending hysterectomy. My Grammy’s recently diagnosed breast cancer. I was so broken down with hurt and fear. I just watched the comments and kudos roll in for a fic that violated me to the core. I let the resentment build. And how was that fair to any of the individuals who would have avoided it if they had known what the fuck it was about?

While she was updating the fic, MeganD1 was also cyberstalking me on instagram, possibly tumblr as well. I privated my personal account from her. My fandom account I knew she was stalking with hers because she accidentally liked then unliked things. She had multiple accounts. Then she would view my story posts. I am guilty of checking on her fandom account once or twice, and she had made vague references to me in her captions. I deleted that fandom account. Made a new one. Followed my favorite Lucasfilm artist. Suddenly she was commenting on his posts. Talking about how much fun she had meeting him at a convention. My fucking dream that she stole with an artist she didn’t care about until I had mentioned him. I’ve never been able to go onto his page since. She found me though. Found that new account...so after months of not being stalked it started up. I deleted that fandom account. I stopped participating much at all.

The point is that throughout all of this, I was still and am still accountable for my own actions, for how I respond to others. I still get hate comments on fics. Do i want to lash out? Yeah. But I don’t. Sometimes I can take that step back and just ignore it. Other times I reach out to a friend for advice. Because no matter what, no matter just how bad things are, there are behaviors that are absolutely inexcusable. It doesn’t matter how hurt or broken we are. Saying something that hurts and possibly breaks someone else doesn’t fix anything. It creates more chaos. And I know that I hurt some readers I no longer interact with. Some who didn’t and don’t know any of this behind the scenes stuff. My hurt, however, does not justify hurting them.

So with the bravery of @wayward-rose​ and @callmehopeless​ and so many others, and with those who reached out and asked to hear what happened to me... I’m answering what happened to the best of my ability. While also, I hope, showing that those who empathize with Mrs. Z, it’s not bad to work to understand her hurt at times when she receives shit in her inbox. But that cannot and should not ever justify her hurting others. Especially when she then sits back and is PROUD of doing that.