#if this is the direction im heading then i have a lot of decontructing i have to do
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beviate · 2 years ago
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I feel like I'm coming into a new arc of my gender journey that I will call.... my strange woman arc. Just thinking about a conversation I was having with some other trans people a few years ago and appearance in relation to identity and I commented that most choices I made in regards to my appearance were made due to comfort/sensory preferences, and it was more of a coincidence that those choices led me to a more androgynous appearance. And then I was talking to my mom a couple weeks ago, bc my sibling came out as trans and she had some questions, and she's often asked me if I myself was trans over the years as well. I never intended to include my mom in my journey with gender identity and I still don't, but it always bothered me a bit that she kept asking. Anyways, most recently she asked me if not shaving and having short hair was so I could look like a man, and it was kind of annoying to hear that because I am just allowing my body to exist as comfortably as I can. I hate that inaction can disqualify me from womanhood. Like not shaving and not doing makeup, and even keeping my hair short feels like less work than growing it out and caring for long hair. This is just how my body is naturally.
While my identification as non-binary/agender was true to the gender I was experiencing during those years, I wonder if it was still partially spurred on by the disconnect I felt to what womanhood was supposed to be. I think to some degree I felt like I was failing at being a woman, because I didn't perform, and that I could be more successful and comfortable performing as a nonbinary person. I don't look like the women in my life or in media, but I do fit many white skinny nonbinary stereotypes and that made me feel like there was a place for me, while womanhood alienated me. I don't fit my mom's idea of womanhood, I don't fit the media's, or even my own idea. But I'm beginning to understand how arbitrary and made-up all those standards are, and that I could be a woman simply because I am one, and that whatever I do or however I look is how a woman looks because I am one. Or something.
I'm still not wholly embracing of womanhood for myself, but I can see myself headed in that direction. I'm giving myself permission to feel these feelings and grow as a person. Or maybe this is a blip in my relationship with gender, I'll just have to wait and see and be kind to myself. I think it would be a wonderful thing to be a weird woman.
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