#if they somehow continue the show ill start the counter over lol

[4s-status]

Day 4375

Today, Inanimate Insanity Season 2 Episode 18 was released.

MePhone4S was downgraded on December 7th, 2012. Today is November 29th, 2024. MePhone4S has returned as a character, though not alive.

It took 4375 days for MePhone4S to return. That is very nearly 12 years (8 days short of exactly 12 years if my calculations are correct).

Inanimate Insanity as a whole has also ended. Thank you for joining me on this journey.

[sclfmastery]

thoughts on ruby sunday? i feel like the writers are rushing her relationship with the doctor big time, but otherwise, she's genuinely fun.

i will say i am a little teensy bit bitter about the fact that yaz waited three seasons for information she really never even fully got whereas 15/14 (what are we calling ncuti's doctor?) just dumped it all onto ruby first episode lol. but obviously not bitter at ruby, just sad for yaz. i recognize it was probably a very specific choice by RTD to show the doctor's growth though, so ill get over it

At only 3 full eps (including Christmas special) in, I think I'm gonna withhold any strong critique, but so far, I'm feeling the same qualms, friend! Don't feel guilty about it.

I think a lot of the problems we're seeing with narrative pacing and tone are to do with adapting a kind of quirky counter-cultural program (DW's a main staple of sci fi, but it still had that less crowd-pleasing, more weird unique low-budget vibe until now) to suit a mass-appeal streaming service. The nuance of the Doctor as a character and the franchise as a whole feels a little lost in the almost heavy-handed desire to "start over fresh" (the symbolism of the bi-generation and the time Fourteen is granted to heal before becoming Fifteen) and the urge to make a very quirky story more palatable both to mass audiences and to younger kids. There's a bit of dumbing-down in the dialogue, in the true danger of the stakes, even in the Doctor-companion relationship. Problematic elements have been scraped away to make for a safer environment of storytelling. And there are pros and cons to that method. Disney is sadly good at swallowing counter-culture and somehow spinning it to seem like they were on its side all along: "Look how diverse our new cast is!" Yeah, and that's totally laudable, but that's not to your credit, Disney.

Maybe some of my apprehensions have to do with how terribly self-conscious the show now is. For instance, it made sense for Maestro, an omnipotent and omniscient being, to wink multiple times at the audience, and to "know the theme songs" of characters beyond the fourth wall. But the Doctor? Doing a musical dance number? Adorable, fun, granted, just not very Doctor Whoey. Not the correct TYPE of "weird," LOL.

In short, the show feels good, the show is well done as a STAND-ALONE projet, but it doesn't feel like Doctor Who just yet. It feels like a buddy comedy with ultimately circumstantial similarities. None of this is to do with Fifteen or Ruby, but yeah, I think they're trying to hard to say "this is as much a reboot as a continuation! This is season one! The Doctor is happy and trauma-free again!" And yes I think that lends itself to rushing the relationship's development, and yes, in so many ways, no matter how this season does, Yaz deserved better. Frankly, so did the Master, and so did Thirteen.

Could I be wrong? Maybe Ncuti's Doctor is supposed to be unproblematically wholesome and socially adept. Maybe he's still our neurodivergent cryptid gremlin with a deep-seated sadness behind the smile and the almost alarming propensity for talking tepidly, flippantly, about the genocide of his own people. Maybe at some point Ruby's origin story is going to unlock the things the Doctor is ONCE AGAIN running away from.

[sinkix]

~ Haikyuu!! Boys baking with reader - Ft. Ushijima, Tendou, Oikawa, Hinata & Nishinoya ~

YO! SO UHHHH... I’M BACK??? I GUESS?? MAYBE??? After a little break I had this in my drafts for a while and realllyyy wanted to complete it since it’s such a cute concept. Honestly at this point my posting frequencies are so sporadic and random pls forgive me lmao.

@deathcab4daddy​ gave me the inspo to include Ushi and it was so funny coming up with ideas for him, he is no.1 country boi chef 

Dude I’m listening to the Mario Kart soundtrack ‘Coconut Mall’ while I continue writing this someone save me. Like u think I’m joking. UR WRONG.

Ushijima:

The most straightforward yet idiotic baker you will ever come across.

Before you even THINK about performing step 1, he will read the entire fucking leaflet like it’s a Shakesperean monologue.

INGREDIENTS INCLUDED.

LIKE SIS I DIDN’T NEED TO KNOW IT CONTAINS  MONOCALCIUM PHOSPHATE THANK YOU.

I’m surprised he doesn’t count every single particle in the brownie mix.

You bought him a frilly cupcake-printed apron stating ‘best wife’ not expecting him to actually wear it

But since he’s secretly a big softie and treasures anything you buy he wears it proudly.

His stoic and dignified disposition is a comical contrast to the words printed on the front lmao.

Ushi best wifey bro.

The tight fit of the apron is pretty hot since it outlines every ridge of his pecs and tightly toned torso.

Gotta resist groping your mans while stirring the brownie batter.

tbh he’s more likely to grope you, he can’t resist that a$$.

And let’s face it he’s def an ass/thigh kinda guy.

Can and will try to casually initiate some form of unholy activities by lifting you up onto the kitchen counter, goading you to slowly lick the spoon and locking gazes before pulling you in for a deep, open-mouthed kiss to get a taste of the incomplete creation himself.

Ushi’s lips and brownie batter are a knock-out combo js.

Literally has the most serious face when he’s cracking the eggs into the bowl

The amount of concentration is equivalent to that of when he’s performing a serve at match-point.

HAS to set the temperature to the EXACT degree stated on the box

Everything is done by the book if you do one thing out of place he will pull you up on it lol.

“(Y/N) you were supposed to stir it for 5 minutes, not 7.”

When its done you feed him some and he can’t help but smile its so ADORBALE AHHH.

You end up eating most of it since Ushi doesn’t strike me as much of a chocolate/junk food lover.

STILL A VERY FUN BUT F R U S T R A T I N G EXPERIENCE.

Tendou:

The complete opposite of Ushi

Does everything wrong and the unconventional way.

Absolute disaster but doesn’t even sweat it since Tendou basically thrives in chaos and the disorderly.

To him instructions are purely equivocal, will read them for five seconds then toss them away.

Step aside Gordon Ramsey, Chef Tendou is here.

Despite doing everything the unorthodox way it still comes out amazing.

Like??? how???

Will cheekily place a dollop batter on your nose then lick it off fh3jkeffefds

Or if he’s feelin’ a lil freaky, he’ll swipe it off with his long ass finger and make you suck it clean, smirking at your submission as you coat his finger with your saliva.

oop-

Constantly cracking jokes and shitty food puns, pretending to drop the bowl to make you go into preemptive cardiac arrest before you can swat him with the spatula.

While you’re waiting for the timer to ping, Satori being the schemer he is will use this as an opportunity to pull some fuckery and tease you in any way he can.

u better be praying like bodhisattva TanaNoya rn because he is MERCILESS.

Suggestive comments, the brush of his fingers against your thigh, it’ll leave you A C H I N G in frustration by the end of it.

Unholy activities aside, once your baking session is completed you finish it off by feeding PHAT forkfuls of brownie to each other and giggling like dorks when it gets all over your mouth.

The jackass actually got a fingerful and SMEARED it over your cheek and forehead, drawing a little cross and snickering when the crumbs fall onto your nose.

Tendou was smart to draw a cross bc he gonna need jesus with the ATTACK you launch on him after that, which promptly leads to an all out food war in your kitchen that neither of you want to clean up after ward.

Don’t worry though it’s Tendou, he’ll somehow find a way to make such a mundane activity fun.

Nishinoya:

stirs WAY TOO VIOLENTLY

IT’S LIKE AN ELECTRIC WHISK ON OVERDRIVE.

IT WILL SPLATTER OVER THE COUNTER, CUPBOARDS AND EVERYTHING YOU HOLD DEAR WITHIN A 1 MILE RADIUS.

You best believe he will try and eat some of the batter and you have to swat the spoon away from his mouth since he has NO REGARD FOR THE FACT HE COULD GET SALMONELLA.

Plus you know what Noya’s like once he starts eating something the whole thing will be gone in a matter of milliseconds.

He somehow managed to get Baking powder EVERYWHERE and even gave him self a little moustache with it.

The white substance kinda looked like something else but you didn’t really wanna say lmaooo.

could explain why he has so much energy all the time oK ILL STOP-

While you’re putting the mix on the tray he is SO extra and will do fancy lil swirls and over extend his arm like a swan to gracefully spread the batter

until he nearly fucking knocks it over.

During processing time since he is so excitable and impatient you best believe he’s gonna suggest a game of ping pong or something because my guy can well and truly never sit still.

ping pong match with the spatulas, kitchen island and a hard boiled egg.

Pls be careful he will rolling thunder that egg and pimp slap it so hard with the spatula it’ll damn near give you a concussion, not intentionally, but like protect your noggin. Wear a helmet.

For the remaining 5 minutes of baking time y’all just sit like kids in front of the oven and watching it rise like starved hyena’s observing it’s pray before demolishing it into sad particles of cocoa.

And lemme tell u, once the timer pings, that baking tray is free real estate for Noya. Half of your creation will be devoured before you can even put it on a plate and marvel at your handiwork. 

He kicked your ass at spatula ping pong btw I’m sorry sweaty but short kings stay winning.

Oikawa:

Such a dramatic bitch like he got the whole she-bang going on.

Strapped with a pink apron, a whisk at his side and standing proudly with both hands on his hips.He is prepared like a greek gladiator going into battle.

You better believe he gonna make some snarky remarks and tease your method of doing things. 

“Ah-ah-ahhh (Y/N)-chan you’re doing it all wrong, let me show you how a PRO does it.”

Proceeds to drop entire bowl on his foot and yelp like a little girl in pain.

Well and truly embarrassed with himself, you put a band-aid on his toe and he piped down after that.

Shattered big toe and mixing bowl aside, actually a really good baker??

He is a PRO at decorating, y’all decided on cupcakes since its literally his forte to make them look aesthetic and pretty.

You almost don’t wanna eat them from how good they look.

jk almost

You take it in turns breaking bits off and placing pieces into each others mouth with a loud “aaaaaahhh!”

Places a piece in your mouth, leans forward and locks lips with you in a soft, passionate kiss before pulling away and uttering the words “It tastes even better coming from your mouth ;)”

hnnnNNGGGGGGggGg.

You both whine and bicker over who cleans up after.

“You cleaaannnnn!”

“no Toru YOU clean!”

“but I made the cupcakes look pretty :(”

“not as pretty as you <3″

He did the cleaning after that.

Like just stroke his ego with some compliments and he’s whipped with a smug grin on his face for the next 30 minutes.

You decide to save the rest and bring them to his next practise.

Literally on the verge of tears when he sees you beaming and holding the platter of treats, Kiyotani mauls half of them in a matter of seconds to which Oiks gets salty over LMAO.

Hinata:

So excited oh my god he’s so precious please protect him I will CRY-

Has a little sunflower apron on and JBJKNDDDKDW IM SMILING JUST IMAGINING HIM FIDGETING IN EXCITEMENT OVER THE THOUGHT OF BAKING COOKIES.

Yes you decided on cookies bc he goes rabid for some choc chip biccies.

You have to guide him v carefully because of how easily confused and clumsy he is.

Cannot for the life of him crack the eggs without getting a quarter of the shell in the bowl so you have to do it instead.

Has a surprising amount of strength and forearm power bc holy shit boy can stir FAST.

Hums a little tune while he does it and bobs up and down with a wide grin on his face it’s so adorable, he has such a gentle singing voice I can’t-

Attempts different shapes with the batter when pouring it onto the tray but fails pretty miserably lol.

he tried ok???

Once they’re done he takes the tray out of the oven and since it was heavy, subconsciously propped it with his knee and nearly dropped the entire tray from the pain. (I’ve actually done this before when making chicken nuggets I do not advise being that brain dead)

Had to put some burn cream on the bbies knee :’((

When you decided to dig in, he handed you a cookie that looked like a crooked circle and said he tried to make that one a heart and insisted he feed it to you.

Blushed VERY hard at the moment of silence and intense eye contact while he fed it to you.

Nearly short circuited when his fingers brushed against your lips.

Moe moe x100000000000000000000000000000

You offer to do the cleaning after because he hurt himself and you didn’t wanna make him do any work, but he still offered to wipe the surfaces for you bc he’s an angel <333

literally just wanna marry him.

[inyournightmares97]

Chocolate Eyes

You return home to find that the man you once loved has become a violent criminal, your mother is sick and your beloved little brother hates you. It’s hard to decide what is right and wrong. But at the end of day, we’re all just trying to protect the people we love. 

Word Count: 19.5k 

Warnings: Language, angst, dark topics. The reader has dark brown eyes since this is a birthday gift for Aia, but as always there are no other physical descriptions. (This is a revamp/continuation of a fic I abandoned for another group long ago. That one was barely 8k though lol.) 

Note: Happy Birthday, Aia! This is a birthday present for @ijustwantacue although I don’t know how appropriate it is since it’s filled to the brim with angst lol. I still hope that you enjoy it and have a great day! 

“Homework?” you asked cheerfully, tapping on Jaebum’s desk.

The handsome boy had a large pair of headphones over his ears and his eyes were closed as he bounced his head to the music. He hadn’t noticed you tapping on the desk. It was only when you poked Jaebum’s shoulder that he opened his eyes and reluctantly pulled the headphones down to rest around his neck.

“Huh?” he asked.

You smiled at him playfully. “Homework, genius. I’ve called you five times now. Please tell me you did it.”

Jaebum raised an eyebrow and smirked.

“Why? Want to copy off me?”

“Fat chance. I did my own homework. I just wanted to cross check my answers because Mrs. Lee said she’s grading the assignment. But if you haven’t even done it…” you trailed off, giving him a smug look.

You couldn’t wait to hear Jaebum admit that he hadn’t done his homework.  The two of you were the smartest students in the class. Admittedly, Jaebum’s intelligence was of a more natural and God-given nature while you worked much harder for your own grades. Both of you still maintained a friendly competition.

“I did do it,” Jaebum replied. He pulled out a slightly crumpled folder from his bag and handed it to you. Then he leaned forward to watch while your sharp eyes flitted across his homework. “Noticed what you did wrong, yet?” he teased.

You stuck your tongue out at him. “We have the same answers, idiot. Although… wait, what’s this?”

Jaebum cleared his throat and covered a page filled with messy scribbles. “Ah- sorry, that’s not part of the homework. I was just writing down ideas for some music I’m trying to compose. There’s an underground dance battle behind the railway tracks. Jackson Wang keeps challenging me. I’m planning to whoop his ass.”

You handed the homework file back to him. “Well, I don’t know much about dance but you should probably write your ideas down more neatly so that you can actually make sense of them later. Besides. What does it matter? Hip-hop music all sounds the same.”

You knew that Jaebum was an amazing dancer and b-boy. He often performed during school talent shows and other events. He was incredibly talented, the entire school knew this, but you’d never really seen him in his element at the underground battles.

Jaebum rolled his eyes. “You just don’t understand hip-hop music.”

“Maybe I don’t.”

“It’s really amazing. The beats, the music and the dance all come together like magic. You should come watch one of the underground battles. Do you want to come with me today? It’ll be a great time.”

You hesitated. Part of you really wanted to go with Jaebum. He was interesting and funny so you loved spending time with him. As much as you hated to admit it, you had a huge crush on your handsome classmate. But you had never been to anything like an underground rap battle before and the idea scared you a little.

“I don’t know…” you trailed off.

“You don’t have to,” Jaebum reassured you.

“It just sounds kind of scary.”

He chuckled. “It’s not. I mean, it’s technically illegal but… the guys there are friendly and everything. It’s not the mess of drunken rowdiness you’re probably imagining. Most of those guys are really talented; and there are girls too. You should see this girl called Momo, they say she’s the queen-“

“I wasn’t imagining drunk rowdiness!” you protested, flushing.

Jaebum grinned, his rare and handsome smile leaving you speechless. “Yeah, right. Come on. One time? I promise I’ll stay beside you the entire time.”

You bit your lip and then nodded. “Okay.”

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You hitched your backpack up on your shoulder as you approached the house.

It had only been two years since you’d last been home. Somehow, the rickety house looked older and more dilapidated than ever. Paint was peeling off the outer walls and there was dirt everywhere. Your throat clenched uncomfortably.

What happened to this place? It looked almost uninhabited. Your hands trembled as you pushed open the slightly rusting gate and stepped onto the front porch.

“Mom? Are you here?” you called out. The front door was unlocked and you entered the messy and silent house. The living room had a stale and dusty smell. You hurried further inside to find your mother in her bedroom. The older woman was lying back in bed with the covers tucked firmly around her chest.

You breathed a sigh of relief. “Mom! I’m home!” you announced with a teary-eyed laugh.

Your mother smiled at you weakly. “Ah, darling. I was waiting for you. I’m sorry I can’t get up. I have a bit of a fever…” she apologized while she hugged you back gently. Her arms felt surprisingly frail and her grip around you was weak. “How are you, darling? How’s college going for you?”

You smiled. “It’s going fine.”

“You’re not struggling too much, are you?” she pressed.

“I’m fine,” you reassured her. You glanced around the room. It wasn’t very clean and you wondered how your ordinarily picky mother had allowed the house to fall into such a condition. You looked down at your sunken-eyed mother and gave her a small smile. Never mind. It wasn’t the time to get into such things. You could do a little bit of cleaning around the house if your mother was ill. 

“Have you eaten? Should I make dinner?” you offered.

“No, darling, you don’t have to cook-“

“I don’t mind. You rest. I’ll get started on dinner.”

You dropped your bags on the bedroom floor and then hurried into the kitchen. The refrigerator was making an odd noise but you pulled it open anyway and frowned. There wasn’t much in here for you to work with. You managed to lay your hands on some meat in the freezer rack and flipped it over to check an expiration date.

“Mom, where’s Yugyeom?” you called out loudly. “Is he still at school? Shouldn’t he have a holiday today?”

Your mother’s weak voice replied from the bedroom. “I don’t know darling. He’s usually not home at this time.”

“I messaged the idiot to pick me up at the station but he never came. I had to take the bus all the way back here with my luggage,” you complained.

You pulled your cell-phone out of your pocket and dialed your younger brother’s number, waiting as the phone rang repeatedly. There was no response. You put the phone back while you set the frozen meat on the counter.

Idiot. Where could Yugyeom have gone when he knew I was coming home today?   

You finished making dinner and called Yugyeom a few more times while you unpacked in your old bedroom. There was a lot of dust everywhere. You ended up having to clean most of the first floor in the process. How had your mother and brother allowed the house to get so messy? You collected an enormous pile of dirty laundry that you would have to do before you went to bed tonight. They were so careless.

It was slowly getting dark and Yugyeom still wasn’t home. Your mother didn’t seem worried so you decided not to comment on your brother’s absence. All the same, you couldn’t help but feel a little bit hurt. What was more important to Yugyeom than his sister who hadn’t been home in about two years? Couldn’t he even come and say hello to you?

“Was it tasty?” you asked your mother as you watched her eat the soup. “My roommate is from Busan and she taught me the recipe. You can make it with almost no ingredients. It’s nice, right?”

Your mother smiled gently. “It’s wonderful, dear.”

“Does Yugyeom not turn up for dinner often? I made enough for him. He used to love my cooking.”

“He stays out late with some friends of his,” your mother replied with a light hum as she spooned more soup into her mouth. She gave you a weak smile. “He’ll be fine. They’re nice boys.”

You nodded, resisting the urge to yawn. It had been a long day and you had been travelling for most of the morning, not to mention you’d cleaned the entire house and cooked. You were dying to go to bed. On your way upstairs you glanced at the clock.

It was almost 11 pm. Surely Yugyeom wouldn’t come home at this time? Maybe he was going to spend the night with a friend.

You hesitated for a short moment before locking up the house and going to bed.

X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X

You found yourself sticking close to Jaebum as you both  approached the old, abandoned railway tracks. The underground dance battles apparently weren’t physically underground (you had honestly imagined a dilapidated old subway station or something along those lines) but they were actually held out in the open behind the old railway tracks that had long been out of service.

There were a lot of people around. some of them looked perfectly normal like you and Jaebum, while others were a little more intimidating.

“See?” Jaebum asked, leaning down to speak to you. He let you hold on to his arm without commenting on how tight your grip was. “Not scary, right?”

“I guess not,” you admitted as you watched some dude set up speakers and microphones on the makeshift stage. The dance battles were often followed by hip-hop music and rap battles. “You don’t have permission to use this space, right?””

“Of course we don’t. It’s trespassing.”

“So what if the police come? Then what do we do?”

Jaebum gave you a cheeky grin and leaned down to whisper in your ear.

“...We run for it.”

His husky whisper sent a shiver down your spine. You had to try not to blush. Instead, you reached out and smacked his shoulder. Jaebum only laughed playfully and dodged your hit before reaching for your hand and pulling you further into the crowd.

“Come on, we should go find some friendly faces. My friends are over there, I’ll introduce you; Jackson Wang! Park Jinyoung!” he yelled out loudly.

A pair of guys waved at him and you followed Jaebum silently. You hadn’t been sure what his friends would be like, but they both appeared to be perfectly normal. Well, perhaps not completely. Jinyoung looked normal. Jackson Wang was extremely muscular and had a slightly stupid grin on his face as soon as he spotted you and Jaebum.

“JB! Hey, what took you so long? I told you some of the older guys were performing today, you totally missed them!”

Jaebum chuckled. “Sorry, man.”

“JB?” you wondered quietly. Jaebum turned to glance at you and his cheeks turned slightly pink at the way your head tilted curiously. “Who’s JB?”

“Uh, it’s my b-boy name,” he muttered. “Short for Jaebum, you know.”

You couldn’t help but let out a snigger. You had never heard anything less creative.

“JB?” you demanded. “Who’s genius idea was that? Couldn’t you have come up with something more unique?”

Jinyoung smiled and reached out to shake your hand in a friendly manner. “Hey, I like her. She has the right attitude for this place. Nice to meet you, I’m Jinyoung and this is Jackson but he likes to go by J-Flawless around here. Are you a dancer too?” he asked curiously.

You flushed. “What? Oh no, I can’t dance at all. I’m just here to watch.”

“She’s my classmate,” Jaebum explained lightly. He suddenly remembered that he was holding your hand and tried to drop it casually, but Jinyoung’s sharp eyes missed nothing. The man blinked in a slightly confused manner before narrowing down on your face. You felt almost naked as Jinyoung's sharp eyes scanned you.  After a few seconds, he let out a small cackle of laughter.

“Oh my God! Jaebum, you can’t be serious!” Jinyoung cried. “This is Chocolate Eyes, isn’t it?”

Jaebum flushed. “Shut up.”

“Don’t tell me you haven’t performed it for her!” Jackson pressed with a cheerful grin. You blinked at Jackson when he turned to you firmly. “Haven’t you heard Jaebum’s Chocolate Eyes song?” he demanded.

You glanced at Jaebum uncertainly. “Uh…. I haven’t heard a lot of his songs to be honest… what’s so special about Chocolate Eyes?”

“It’s probably the cheesiest shit he’s ever written. Which is a lot because most of his lyrics are ‘fuck the society’ or innuendos about the size of his dick. Except you see, this one is about a girl with chocolate-colored eyes and the lyrics are literally twenty or so lines about how pretty the color of this girl’s eyes are so it’s some embarrassing shit.” He turned and grinned at Jaebum. “I would have thought you would-“

“Hey! Would you look at that? Someone is going on stage!” Jaebum cut him off quickly.

You had to admit that the dance battles were a lot of fun. It was loud and the crowd went wild with each dazzling move, especially when the more experienced dancers went up on stage. You had been waiting for Jaebum to go up as well, but he shyly admitted to you that he wasn’t really prepared to go on stage that day and that he’d perform some other time.

You also found that Jinyoung and Jackson (or J-Flawless, as he requested you call him during dance battles) were a lot of fun. Jinyoung was a little cheeky and kept addressing you  as Chocolate Eyes which left you a little flustered, but Jackson was extremely nice and friendly and kept talking to you. By the time you realized that it was past your curfew, you almost didn’t want to leave.

“It wasn’t as scary as you thought, right?” Jaebum asked as you both walked back after the event.

It was past your curfew but you’d called your little brother and told him to cover for you with your parents. Yugyeom had whined about being asked to do such a thing. Still, he eventually agreed to lie on your behalf.

It was dark as you walked back, and the street was relatively quiet.

“It was really interesting,” you admitted shyly. “I never knew hip-hop and dance could be so cool. And your friends were really fun. I don’t get why Jinyoung kept calling me Chocolate Eyes, though… and whatever he said about a song you wrote…” you trailed off, hoping he would explain it to you.

Jaebum flushed and he shoved his hands in his pockets as he stared down at the ground. “I-uh- it’s just a stupid song that I wrote. I wanted to try writing something romantic for once to challenge myself, so… I guess I just looked for inspiration wherever I could find it.”

“Will you show it to me?” you asked.

“I can’t.”

“Why not?”

He took a deep breath and turned to look at you with a sudden intensity that made your spine tingle.

”Because Jinyoung is right. Chocolate Eyes is about you.”

There was a brief pause before you both stopped walking and turned to look at each other. Jaebum was looking down at you so gently. He lifted a hand and gently stroked the side of your face with a rough thumb as his lips curved into a shy smile.

“Your eyes really are the color of dark chocolate,” he explained quietly. “And I kept thinking about how beautiful they are and how much I like when you look at me like that.”

Your breath hitched. “Like what?” you whispered.

“That.” He leaned down and kissed you, your lips pressing together sweetly and hesitantly. You wrapped your arms around his neck to pull him down closer so you could kiss him harder. Something about the sudden embrace was both exciting and still safe. Jaebum always made you feel safe.

The two of you pulled away breathlessly after a few moments, foreheads still pressed together.

“But the lyrics are complete shit because I couldn’t find the right words for them. I couldn’t find the right words for you,” Jaebum whispered against your lips.  

“Words are overrated anyway.”

He chuckled. “Yeah?”

“Yeah. Kiss me again.”

When you finally managed to pull yourself away from Jaebum and climb into your room through the window, your head was spinning giddily. You had never been as crazy about a guy as you were about Jaebum. You were so busy smiling to yourself stupidly that you almost didn’t notice the boy sitting on your bed.

Yugyeom, had been waiting up for you while clutching his stuffed animal. Really, he was in middle school. He was too old for stuffed animals but Yugyeom had always been a child.

“Noona!” he greeted happily.

You jumped at the sound of his voice. “Hey. You scared me. What are you still doing up? Go to bed.”

“Noona, I covered for you with mom and dad. Aren’t you grateful?” Yugyeom pouted. His mouth spread into a cheeky and lopsided grin as he beamed up at you. “Where did you go, noona? Were you on a date with your boyfriend?” he teased.

You blushed. “Shut up.”

“You were?”

“Nope.” You lowered your voice and shut the bedroom door before beaming at your little brother. “You’ll never guess where noona was today. I went to go see an underground dance battle!”

Yugyeom’s eyes shimmered with excitement. “Wow! What’s that?”

“Go brush your teeth, get under the covers, and I’ll tell you all about it…”

X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

Somebody started pounding on the door at 2 am.

You awoke suddenly from a deep sleep to the banging noise and your eyes shot open. Who was at the door at this time of night? Heartbeat thudding and adrenaline pumping through you, you paused to grab a knife from the kitchen before slowly approaching the shaking door. You took a deep breath and forced yourself to think straight.

“Who is it?” you yelled over the banging.

The banging stopped.

“Noona?” Yugyeom’s voice demanded through the door. It was much deeper than you remembered but it was still unmistakably your little brother. Relieved, you let the kitchen knife fall to your side. Yugyeom sounded annoyed and banged a couple more times. “Fuck, noona, why did you lock the door? Open up!”  

You hurried to remove the deadbolts and swung the door open. Part of you was positive that Yugyeom must be drunk; he probably went out drinking with his friends, why else would he come back home at this absurd hour and make such a scene? You couldn’t believe that your innocent little brother was drinking underage. You were just getting ready to scold him when your eyes adjusted to the darkness and you saw what was in front of you properly.

There were two men on the porch. Both were tall but Yugyeom was more so. Your brother was clutching onto the shorter man as if he couldn’t stand properly, half bent over while bruises littered his pale skin. Yugyeom’s lip was bleeding and swollen and there was a large graze on his forehead that was dripping blood down the side of his face. He looked like he’d been in a fight.

Your heart dropped into your stomach.

“Oh my God-“ you could barely form words on your lips as Yugyeom silently limped into the front hall and turned on the light. There was blood on his clothes. He dropped a tattered backpack in the hallway as he sat down to take off his shoes. “Yugyeom-“

Yugyeom barely looked at you. “Welcome home, noona. Don’t lock the door at night next time.”

Your felt nauseous as you whirled around to look at the other man that was waiting in the doorway. It had been two years since you had last seen him, but you recognized Lim Jaebum immediately. He looked almost the same. Tall, broad shoulders and a sharp angular face. His dark eyes were as intense as ever.

Your blood ran cold.

“Lim Jaebum,” you greeted quietly.

Jaebum looked equally surprised to see you and his mouth fell open for a brief moment before he quickly closed it. You could see his Adam’s apple bobbing up and down his throat as he whispered a gruff response.

“Uh-hi. Welcome back.”

“What the fuck did you do to my brother?” you demanded, feeling your heartbeat race at the sight of a bloodied and bruised Yugyeom sitting on the floor and taking off his dirty sneakers. You whirled around and glared at Jaebum. “How dare you lay your hands on my brother-“

Yugyeom scoffed from his place on the floor. “Don’t be stupid, noona, Jaebum-hyung didn’t beat me up. He brought me back here safely.”

“You shut your mouth, Kim Yugyeom, I’ll deal with you later,” you hissed. Your insides were twisting and turning. What had been happening here while you were gone? Your worst nightmares were coming true and as you looked up at Lim Jaebum, you felt nothing but pure and adulterated anger. He was to blame. He was the one who’d gotten your brother involved in something ugly, you just knew it.

“Get out of my house,” you told Jaebum firmly.

Yugyeom glared at you. “Don’t talk to hyung like that-“

“Get out of my house, Lim Jaebum, and stay the hell away from my family.”

“Hyung, you don’t have to leave-“

Jaebum cut Yugyeom off and gave you a small, polite bow. “It’s fine. I should go. Clean yourself up properly, Yugyeom. I’ll be leaving now.”

He turned around and walked away, not even flinching when you slammed the door shut after him. You locked the deadbolts to be safe and then ran your fingers through your hair as you tried to calm your racing heartbeat. Then you turned to look at Yugyeom.

He was getting up from the floor while glaring at you. Your head spun. Where was your adorable younger brother with the cheeky grin? You didn’t know this strange man standing in front of you and that scared you.

“You shouldn’t have talked to Jaebum-hyung like that,” Yugyeom said coldly.

You stiffened. “Since when is Lim Jaebum your hyung?”

“Since you left.”

“I went to college,” you hissed.

“Well, I hope you had a nice time there,” Yugyeom scoffed before turning around to limp away. He was headed towards the stairs and you called after him angrily.

“Where the hell do you think you’re going? I’m not done with you yet. Sit down here so I can clean you up and we can talk about whatever the hell is going on,” you ordered firmly. There was no way you could let Yugyeom get away with this sort of behaviour. This wasn’t how either of you had been raised. “Do you come home like this often? Do you let our mother see you this way? Does she know that you’re buddies with Lim Jaebum?”

Yugyeom turned and gave you a cold, empty look.

“I can clean up after myself,” he replied dully. “I’ve been doing it for the past year. And as for our mother…In case you haven’t noticed yet, she’s dying.”

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It was the beginning of your senior year when your father died.

Your mother spent an entire week at home without food, sobbing her eyes out and completely cut off from the world. Yugyeom was too innocent to understand what was going on and he would sit in his mother’s lap and cry along with her, clutching his stuffed animals. You had been left alone; alone to manage the household, alone to comfort your remaining family members, alone to finish your studies.

“My dear,” you teacher said to you quietly, when you turned up to school a mere three days after your father’s death. “You don’t need to come into school yet. Stay with your family. Take a year off if you need to. It’s all right.”

You had stiffened. “I’m fine,” you replied quietly. “I want to graduate this year.”

The only person you allowed yourself to cry in front of was Jaebum. He would come find you every day and you would let yourself break down in front of him, clutching his shirt as you sobbed into his chest and let out all your frustrations. Your father hadn’t just left your family; he had left behind debt and the moneylenders had started sending you messages. You had no idea how to repay them. One of the moneylenders in particular had been sending threatening messages and had even sent goons to your door to frighten you.

“I’m scared,” you sobbed into Jaebum’s chest as he wrapped his arms around you tightly. It was the only place you ever felt safe anymore. “I-I can barely make ends meet with my part time job. Yugyeom had to start working too. How am I going to pay back that money, Jaebum? How am I going to protect my family?”

Jaebum rubbed your back gently as he pressed his face against your hair. “I’ll take care of it,” he promised you quietly. “Baby, I’ll make sure they don’t hurt you. Listen to me. You are going to be fine.”

“I can’t- I can’t handle this, I can’t do it alone-“ you whimpered.

“You’re not alone. I’m here.”

“What are you going to do, Jaebum? What can you possibly do?”

“I’ll do everything I can.”

You fended off the moneylenders with vague promises of paying them back in a few years with interest, although you had no idea how you were going to manage it all. Instead, you dove into your academics. The only way you could ever pay that sort of money back was if you finished her education and got a proper job.

Part-time employment in the local restaurant wouldn’t cut it. You would be in debt for the rest of her life, if you went down that path. You needed to graduate, take out a student loan to go to college and earn a salary figure with a lot of zeros in it. That was the only way you would ever be able to take care of your family.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

You couldn’t sleep.

You kept tossing and turning in bed, nightmares from the past plaguing you and causing you to wake up in a cold sweat. You finally forced yourself out of bed at dawn and stumbled around the house sleepily. You carefully approached Yugyeom’s room. He had left his door slightly ajar and the sound of his deep snoring drifted out.

You stood there silently for a moment before slowly walking in. Yugyeom was spread across his bed in a clumsy manner, one long leg hanging off the single bed that was now too small for him. He hadn’t cleaned himself up. Dried blood crusted around his lips and forehead. You quietly grabbed a blanket and spread it over your brother before stepping out of the room.

What happened to him? Yugyeom had never been like this. He had been a little innocent and sometimes stupid, but he was always a cheerful boy who found life exciting in general. How had he gotten involved with Lim Jaebum? Why was he coming home at unnatural hours with wounds all over him?

You entered the kitchen before remembering that there was hardly any food in the fridge. You paused and let your head rest in your hands for a few moments as you tried to make sense of what was happening around you. Why was everything such a mess? How had things gone so far downhill just because you’d gone off to college for a few months?

“Darling?” you mother called out weakly from her room. “Darling, are you awake?”

You straightened up and entered your mother’s room quickly, only to find that the older woman was sitting up in bed and coughing. You remembered Yugyeom’s piercing words from last night. As for eomma… she’s dying. You looked at your mother and blinked back the tears that sprang into your eyes. Why hadn’t you noticed her frail body and sunken face before? She didn’t merely have a fever. She was seriously ill.

“Mom,” you whispered softly. You went and sat next to you mother carefully. “Are you hungry? I’ll go down to the grocery store and get some things so I can make breakfast-“

Your mother groaned and sat up. “No, darling, you shouldn’t have to do all the cooking when you’ve just come home. I’ll make something for you-“

“No, lie down. I want to make breakfast. You should rest.”

Your mother sank back into the bed. “Did Yugyeom-ie come home last night?”

“Yes.”

“Good,” she replied, looking relieved. The older woman closed her eyes and leaned her head back against the pillow. “He’s a good kid. He really is. Sometimes he makes mistakes, but he’s a good kid. That Jaebum boy takes care of him  well. He comes and says hi to me sometimes as well. Polite boy.”

Your spine shuddered. “Lim Jaebum comes here often?”

“Hmmm.”

You took a deep breath and pressed a kiss to your mother’s forehead before grabbing your wallet and heading out of the front door to buy groceries. Your head was still spinning. What is Lim Jaebum getting at? Was he really trying to take care of your family or was he planning to drag Yugyeom down with him into a messy life of crime and self-destruction?

You couldn’t believe anything. You didn’t trust Jaebum. You wanted him far away from your family and you were going to make it happen.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You bit your lip and twirled the pen absentmindedly between your fingers.

“I can’t figure this one out,” you complained as you scratched out the last few lines of calculations that you had made in the notebook. “I thought I was applying the formulae right but I keep getting this weird number in recurring decimal points when the answer should be a whole number…”

Jaebum leaned towards you, pushing his glasses higher up his nose as he read over your work. You watched his eyes skim over the page. You thought Jaebum was extremely attractive when he wore glasses. He was handsome in general, of course, but you couldn’t take her eyes off him when he took his reading glasses out. It was a pity that he only wore them when the two of you were studying alone.  

“Yup. Wrong formula,” he said after a few seconds, pointing at a particular step in your calculations. “You’re supposed to apply the other one, genius.”

“Ahhh…” you bit her lip and hurried to scribble down the correct formula. “What would I do without you, Jaebum?”

“Don’t kid yourself. You would have wasted five more minutes to figure out your own mistake at worst.”

You smiled at him sweetly. “Well, then, thank you for saving five minutes of my time.”

Jaebum leaned close to you, stroking your cheek with the back of his fingers as he pressed his forehead against yours.

“Since I saved you so much time,” he whispered, pressing a kiss to the corner of your mouth softly. “I think it should be mine, don’t you? Those five minutes belong to me.”

You glanced back at the homework doubtfully. “Jaebum…”

“Shh. It’s just five minutes.” He slanted his mouth over yours delicately, tongue dancing with yours as his strong arms wrapped around you. You whimpered into the kiss. Jaebum’s kisses were addictive; slow and gentle, yet at the same time extremely passionate. You could feel the heat from his lips and the eagerness with which he was kissing you And yet somehow they made you feel safe. Jaebum would pull you into his arms and wrap them around you tightly until you were cocooned into his chest. You loved that more than anything.

“Noona? Noona!”

You both pulled apart rapidly.

“Can you get under the bed?” you hissed as Yugyeom’s loud footsteps came up the stairs. Jaebum sighed but dove under the bed and managed to fit broad shoulders underneath it just as Yugyeom opened the door. You  smiled at your brother sweetly.

“Yugyeom. You’re home.”

Yugyeom smiled back half-heartedly. “Yeah. Work was hard. I hate this part-time job,” he admitted quietly. He gave you a small grin. “Is there anything to eat, noona? I’m starving.”

“Half of my paycheck goes in feeding you,” she joked. It wasn’t Yugyeom’s fault. He had recently hit puberty and seemed to be gaining inches in height with each passing day. He ate a lot and you could do nothing but playfully scold him while you made enough food. “Mom made soup before she left for her night shift. Go switch the rice cooker on before you wash up. We’ll eat in twenty minutes.”

“Fine,” Yugyeom agreed, shutting the door behind him as he left. Jaebum crawled out from under the bed and gave you a  resentful frown as he brushed dust off his shoulders.

“Do I have to hide whenever your brother is around?” he grumbled.

You pouted. “Sorry. It’s just really embarrassing. If he found you in the bedroom once then the idiot would keep trying to catch us at it and we wouldn’t have a second of privacy here. It’s just easier if he doesn’t know.”

Jaebum pouted. “Fine,” he mumbled. “I’ll get going then.”

“Wait.”

You dug into your backpack and pulled out a flyer, placing it on the table. “They were handing these out outside school earlier today. It’s a college exam prep center in the next town. They have demo classes on weekends and you can sit in on the classes and decide whether you want to join.”

Jaebum glanced down at the flyer. “Oh.”

You raised an eyebrow. “Well? Do you want to go? The classes aren’t that expensive. We should give it a shot, right? How else are we going to get through college entrance exams? They might cover stuff we don’t do at school.”

“It’s just…” Jaebum bit his lip and gave you a tentative look. “I’ll come with you if you want. But I’m not sure I want to go to college.”

You laughed. “What? Don’t be stupid. You’d be a shoo-in for the top colleges.”

“I don’t want to go,” he replied with a shrug. He sat next to you and ran his fingers through his messy hair. His thin lips were pressed together tightly. “Honestly, I kind of wanted to drop-out of high school because it makes me that miserable. I’m only sticking around to graduate. But I don’t want to go to college and get a degree that I won’t know what to do with. I think there are other things I want to pursue. Other ways of making money.”

You stared at him. You knew that Jaebum was a little unconventional and that he probably wouldn’t want to do something boring with his life. But you hadn’t thought that he wouldn’t even want to go to college. You glanced down at the flyer quietly.

“What are you going to do if you don’t go to college?” you whispered.

“I don’t know. I’ll figure it out. Maybe I’ll get into dancing professionally. I could audition for some dance teams.”

“But how will you earn money in the meantime-“

Jaebum leaned down and kissed your forehead sweetly. “Baby, don’t worry about me. I’ll take care of myself. I have ways of making money that don’t need a college degree, okay? Let’s go visit that prep class place on Saturday.”

You stared at him. “What ways? Jaebum, you’re not doing anything illegal, are you?”

Jaebum chuckled. “Babe, relax.”

“Promise me you’re not doing something shady like dealing drugs or whatever,” you insisted. You trusted that Jaebum was a good an honest person. But truth be told, there were all sorts of people at those dance battles. You were terrified that he might be dragged into a life of crime. “Don’t join a gang or something. You won’t, right? You’ll stay safe?”

Jaebum cupped your cheek and smiled. “You’re adorable when you’re worried about me.”

“I’m not kidding, Jaebum. I’ll never forgive you if you get yourself arrested-”

“I won’t. Trust me.”

Jaebum’s dark eyes were shining softly. You knew that you could trust the man in front of you but you were worried. Too many things had gone wrong in your life too quickly. You couldn’t afford to lose Jaebum too. You needed him to stay with you. You needed him to be the smart and reliable person that you always trusted.  

“Okay,” you whispered.

Jaebum chuckled as he moved towards your open window. “I can’t believe I have to sneak out because of your little brother…”

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You bought groceries early in the morning and were busy making pancakes in the kitchen when Yugyeom finally came downstairs. He blinked sleepily and absent-mindedly for a moment before moving past you and heading towards the living room.

You called after him.

“Yugyeom, where are you going? I made pancakes!” you offered kindly. You had begun to wonder if you’d been too harsh with him last night. Yugyeom was your brother after all. You loved him. The two of you could sit and talk about whatever he was going through. You peeked out of the kitchen and waved him over eagerly. “You like my pancakes, right? Come on. I even bought the tasty syrup from the store.”

Yugyeom hesitated in the hallway. “I’m going out.”

“Where?”

He turned and frowned at you. “I don’t have to tell you where I’m going,” he snapped. “You’ve been gone for two years. What, you think you can suddenly come in here and order me around and demand to know about my life? That’s not how it works, noona.”

Your throat felt constricted. “Why are you acting like this?”

“Like what?”

“Like you hate me,” you replied quietly. Yugyeom was glaring at you and you felt like you were going to cry. Why was he behaving this way? What had you done to deserve this? “Yugyeom, I came home after two years. I want to spend time with my family. I’ve missed you and I’ve missed Mom but she’s lying sick on her bed and you’re acting like a completely different person, I…” you trailed off, your voice cracking. “I don’t know what to do.”

Yugyeom turned away from you. “You should have thought of that before you left home.”

“You’re acting like I ran away! I went to college, Yugyeom! Things haven’t been easy for me either!” you replied heatedly. You were on the verge of tears. “I need to keep on top of my studies to maintain my scholarship and get a job so I can repay my student loans and our father’s debt.”

“You don’t have to worry about our father’s debt,” Yugyeom informed you dully as he sat down in the hallway to put on his shoes. He tugged at the shoelaces. “I’ve started paying them off already.”

“How? Are you still working part-time at the restaurant?”

“No, I quit that job. It didn’t pay shit. I’m working for Jaebum-hyung now,” Yugyeom replied. He finished tying his shoelaces and stood up. His backpack was lying beside the doorway and he picked it up and slung it over his shoulders. “I have to go to work now. Bye.”

You closed her eyes to blink back your tears.

“Did Jaebum do this?” you asked quietly.

“What?”

“Did Jaebum turn you against me?” you demanded, voice rising. You had tried to keep calm but your head was spinning and you felt like you were going to lose control of yourself any moment. The unfamiliar man standing in front of you was still your brother and he wouldn’t have become like this without an explanation. “Did he make you hate me? Is he getting you to do illegal things for money? Is he blackmailing you or hurting you in some way?”

Yugyeom stiffened. “I’ve said this before. Don’t talk about Jaebum-hyung that way.”

“Are you scared of him?”

“No! How many times do I have to say this to get it through your thick head?” he yelled. “Jaebum-hyung was there for me. He stayed by me no matter what. He’s taking care of me, noona, in a way that you haven’t for the past two years.”

You opened your mouth. “I-“

“Don’t press me on this any further,” he cut you off and turned away from you. “Because Jaebum-hyung is an amazing person and I would pick him over you any day. Don’t push me to make that choice. Go eat your stupid pancakes yourself. And make sure Mom takes her medicines on time. It’s the least you can do at this point.”

He stormed past you and slammed the front door shut behind him.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You closed your eyes, holding back tears as your hands trembled. You couldn’t speak. Your entire body was shivering from fear and you felt like you were going to faint.

The moneylenders had been getting more impatient. Admittedly, it wasn’t all of them. Some were more willing to wait. But there was one man in particular who didn’t trust that you would ever pay him back, who wouldn’t shy away from using whatever means he could to recover his money.

You had been returning from the library late in the evening when the two men had grabbed you. When they held a knife to her throat and told you to pay the money back immediately, you were sure that you were going to die. They wouldn’t believe that you didn’t have it. They would get it out of you somehow, they said, and their boss wasn’t going to wait much longer.

By the time they left you alone you were terrified and sobbing in the alleyway. You barely managed to call Jaebum and tell him where you were.

Jaebum’s face had gone dark when he found you, bruises littering your arms from the men’s rough handling and crying so hard that you could only blubber out incomprehensible words. He had held you silently as you cried. You weren’t scared for herself; surely the moneylender knew that he would never get the money if he killed you.

“What about my mother and Yugyeom?” you had whispered. Your fingers clutched onto Jaebum’s shirt as you sobbed the last of your remaining tears into it. “How can I go off to college? What if he hurts them while I’m gone, Jaebum? What if he does something to them, I could never…”

Jaebum had pressed you to his chest. “This will never happen again.”

“How can you be sure-“

“It won’t,” he said firmly. His own shoulders were shaking in anger and his eyes had gone dark. You had never seen Jaebum so angry. He was normally a straight-faced and calm person but he looked almost murderous as he held you that night. “That man will never touch you again. And once you go to college, he will never touch your family.”

You shook your head. ‘How can you-“

“Baby, do you trust me?”

His fingers held your chin gently and he tilted your face up so that you were looking into his eyes. You didn’t recognize the look on his face. It was different and strange. Suddenly, he didn’t seem like Jaebum anymore. When you failed to respond, he pressed his forehead to yours so that you had nowhere else to look.

“Have I ever lied to you?” Jaebum asked softly. “Have I ever let you down?”

“N-no-“

“Then believe me. I will not let him touch you. And if he wants to get to your family once you go to college, he’ll have to get through me. That is a promise.” Jaebum’s thumb gently brushed away one of the tears that had spilt out of your red eyes. “Come on, take a deep breath and wipe away those tears. You don’t want Yugyeom to see you like this.”

You nodded, wiping away your tears and then pressing a hard kiss to Jaebum’s mouth. You didn’t know whether he could do anything to help you, but he had stayed with you through the hardest times of your life. You knew that you would have gone mad without him.

“I love you,” you told him firmly.

Jaebum smiled down at you. “I love you too,” he whispered.

You pulled away from him and rolled down your shirt sleeves to hide the bruises as you entered your house. Yugyeom was too busy watching television to notice your entrance so you managed to slip upstairs before your mother could suspect anything had happened.

Once you reached your bedroom, you peeked out of the window and saw that Jaebum was still standing in the street in front of your house. He was walking up and down the street agitatedly while he talked on the phone, running his fingers through his already tousled hair. You heard him curse loudly once. After about ten minutes, he hung up and walked away. Jaebum’s tall figure slowly disappeared down the road and out of sight of your window.

If only you had known in that moment, how much Lim Jaebum was willing to sacrifice for you.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“I need to talk to Lim Jaebum.”

The handsome man behind the counter had put on a dazzling smile when you first walked into the bakery, but it immediately faltered upon recognition. Mark Tuan’s large eyes blinked at you for a long moment before he responded.

“That’s a nice way to greet someone you haven’t seen in over a year,” Mark mused. “And here I thought you wanted some cake.”

“I wouldn’t mind some cake,” you admitted, feeling a little ashamed of your rude behavior. It was true that you were furious and frustrated but it wasn’t fair to take that out on Mark. He was one of the sweetest people you knew and had been slipping you and your brother free treats ever since he started the bakery. “But right now, I need to talk to Lim Jaebum.”

“Well, you’re not going to find him here.”

“Where is he?”

Mark sighed. “I don’t know.”

“Oppa, please. I know you’re the one that took care of him while he was in prison,” you pointed out. You might not have been here when it happened but you weren’t entirely cut off from this town. Rumors had reached you even back in college. Mark had always taken care of the younger boys in town. “If anyone would know where he is, it’s you. Or Jackson and Jinyoung, but I don’t know how to find them either.”

Mark ran a hand over his face. “Jaebum’s had it hard.”

“He killed a man while trying to steal from him.”

“And he only went to prison for eight months, which shows that a judge in a court of law didn’t think he was completely to blame. So if you’re going to hold that against him-“

“What if I told you that I think he’s about to take my little brother down the same path?”

Mark was quiet. He stared at you for a long moment, eyes unblinking. Then he took a deep breath and then nodded. “Maybe it’s better you talk to him yourself. He and Jinyoung bought out the old mechanics’ place; do you remember it? They run the car repair shed. You should find him somewhere around there.”

You nodded. “Thank you.”

“Anyone could have told you that,” Mark replied dismissively. He turned and looked at you with a firm gaze. “Listen to me. Jaebum is a good man. You know that more than anyone. Don’t forget that, okay? He doesn’t deserve a lot of the things that are happening to him.”

You closed your eyes. “Don’t try to pull that with me. You might be used to dealing with boys who go down the wrong path so it’s nothing in your eyes, Mark, but what Jaebum did is unforgivable. He’s a criminal.”

“No, you don’t-“

“You’re going to tell me that he did it because he was having a hard time. I know. Money was hard to come by. He probably wanted to help me pay my debts back so he and his gang tried to steal from that man. I don’t care. I never asked him to commit a crime for me and I most definitely never asked him to kill someone,” you snapped. “I’ve had a lot of time to think about what happened and no matter which way I look at it, what Jaebum did is unforgivable. He’s not the man I used to know. He’d been dealing with these sort of criminals long before he told me the truth. He lied to me.”

Mark was quiet.

“I know,” he reassured you softly. “Just go talk to him.”

X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X

You took a deep breath before you entered the shed-like mechanic’s store. You had gone to the gas station nearby first, but a rather handsome young boy with a cheerful smile had been manning the counter and stammered out that Jaebum was in the garage. His nametag read Youngjae and he had gaped at you in a rather obvious manner as you left the store. You wasn’t sure whether he was just a hormonal teenage boy, or if he somehow knew who you were.

The mechanic’s was a dirty place. You found yourself coughing as you were hit with the pungent smell of oil and petrol. To nobody’s surprise, you spotted Park Jinyoung settled comfortably behind a table with some ledgers open in front of him, nodding off. No wonder. He had never been one to get his hands dirty, Jinyoung was probably managing the finances of this place. You tapped the table in front of him to get his attention.

“Ahem.”

Jinyoung jolted upright. “Huh? What-who- oh.” His eyes widened as he saw you and he blinked. “Well. I heard you were back in town, Chocolate Eyes, but I didn’t expect to see you here.”

“Where’s Jaebum?”

He smiled a gummy smile. “What, no pleasantries-“

“Where’s Jaebum?”

His smile dropped when he noticed the serious expression on you face. He cleared his throat and sat up a little straighter, yelling out Jaebum’s name loudly. There was a shuffling noise from the back of the shed. A few clanks could be heard before Jaebum appeared from behind a car. He was wiping the oil off his hands as he approached the front, and he stopped short when his eyes landed on you.

“Hey,” he greeted softly.

“Can we talk?” you asked him.

He nodded silently, leading you towards a door in the side of the shop that led into a smaller office. It had a small table that was stacked with more ledgers, and paperwork that had evidently been left unfiled. Jaebum didn’t speak but you could see that he was tense; years of knowing him had left you able to recognize when the seemingly cool man was actually flustered. Jaebum’s jaw was clenched tightly and his eyes looked worried as he pointed towards a chair.

“Uh- you can have a seat-“

“Where’s Yugyeom? He told me he was coming to work with you today,” you said, ignoring the chair.

Jaebum was silent for a moment. His eyes drank you in slowly and quietly. He hadn’t had a chance to look at you properly the previous night, considering how dark it was and how upset you had been over Yugyeom being covered in blood. But he saw you now. You looked the same as you had looked two years ago. Your cheeks had filled out more and you looked healthier than when you had been here.

Jaebum could see the hard exterior that you were trying to display but there was vulnerability in your eyes. Your chocolate-colored orbs were red and puffy even as they glared at him. Jaebum could tell that you had been crying so he took a deep breath and tried to focus on his words.

“I sent Yugyeom on some errands.”

You didn’t like that answer. “Errands?” you demanded. “Is he going to come back beaten up and half dead from those errands again?”

“I sent him to the post office. He’s mailing some orders to our suppliers.”

“Suppliers? Suppliers of what?”

“Car parts,” he said firmly. Jaebum sighed and gestured towards the ledgers behind him. “I don’t know what you’re thinking but I’m not doing anything illegal here. This is a genuine business. You can check my accounts if you want to. It’s transparent.”

You folded your arms across your chest and stared back at Jaebum. You hated the gentle way in which he looked at you, the softness in his gaze even while you glared at him. It reminded you of all the stolen nights spent in your bedroom when you would look up from your homework and find Jaebum looking at you with that same gentle gaze, eyes full of adoration.

But you weren’t going to let silly feelings from the past overwhelm you. There was something going on, and the Lim Jaebum standing in front of you had too many secrets.

“Yugyeom says he’s started paying back my father’s debts. He claims he’s doing it from the salary you’re paying him for working here,” you informed him stiffly. “I’m supposed to believe you can afford to pay him so much money just from your profits here? How long have you been out of prison, Jaebum? I highly doubt that business is booming right now.”

Jaebum was silent.

“Can you honestly tell me you don’t have some other source of income on the side?”

He lowered his eyes, unable to meet you piercing gaze. “It’s not what you think,” he whispered.

“What is it, then? Tell me.”

“You don’t understand. You’ve been gone for a long time. Things here have changed a lot, especially your brother. I know you love him, but he’s not the same kid he used to be-“

“Of course he isn’t, you’ve been ruining him,” you hissed.

Jaebum looked bewildered. “Ruining him? What does that even mean, what exactly do you think-“

“Yugyeom told me,” you explained shakily, “that he would choose you over me any day. He seems to think I abandoned him. My little brother looked at me with more hatred than I’ve ever seen in his eyes in the past 17 years, Jaebum; tell me you didn’t do that to him.”

“He shouldn’t be treating you that way,” Jaebum mumbled. He ran a hand over his face and sighed. “I’ll talk to him about his behavior and teach him to be more respectful-“

You scoffed. “How? Are you going to beat it into him again?”

Jaebum looked shocked. “I have never laid a finger on your brother. Do you really think I’m capable of that? Do you really think I’m such a monster that I would hit Yugyeom?” he asked, his voice cracking. His eyes were piercing into yours as he searched for some reassurance. “You know me better than anyone. How could you think I would do that?”

There was a brief silence.

“I didn’t think you were capable of robbery or murder either, but here we are.”

Jaebum looked defeated. He closed his eyes for a moment and the two of you stood in a long, painful silence. You could feel your heartbeat thudding. Jaebum wasn’t denying it. He looked up at you calmly after a few moments, his eyes filled with pain.

“You must really hate me,” he whispered. He let out a small, choked laugh. “I probably deserve it, I don’t know. But believe me when I say that I never had any intention of hurting you or your brother. That’s the last thing I would want to do.”

You closed your eyes in an attempt to blink back the tears that were threatening to spill down your cheeks.. “I don’t care. I don’t care what you wanted. If you had known anything about me then you would have known that I never wanted you to do any of those things. I hate that you did them. I hate you. You’re a monster.”

Before Jaebum could say anything else, the door to the small office room burst open. Yugyeom entered with a cheerful grin on his face.

“Hyung! I posted those letters, like you asked. I met Bambam on the way too, his arm is almost healed so he might come into work tomorrow.” He finished speaking, before he suddenly noticed you standing there. His smile dropped suddenly. “Noona?”

Jaebum gave the younger boy a forced smile. “Your sister has been looking for you. Why don’t you go home with her?”

Yugyeom frowned at you. “Why do you have to come into my workplace?” he sounded annoyed. “Anyway, my shift isn’t over yet. I’m supposed to be working until 9 today so-“

“I’ll let you off early,” Jaebum replied. “Go home and have dinner with your sister.”

“I don’t want to,” Yugyeom replied defiantly. He turned and glared at you. “Why should I have dinner with her? Why should I care when she never cared about me?”

Your chest felt tight. “Yugyeom…”

Jaebum’s eyes flashed with a hint of anger as he saw the broken-hearted expression on your face. He knew how much you loved Yugyeom. He knew that you had done so much in order to protect your little brother and that you couldn’t bear the way he was treating you now. Jaebum placed a hand on Yugyeom’s shoulder and then turned to look at you.

“You should go home. I’ll send Yugyeom back home before dinnertime,” he told you calmly.

You swallowed. “But-”

“I promise.”

“If he’s not back home in two hours then I’m calling the police,” you told Jaebum shakily. Then you turned once more to meet Yugyeom’s angry eyes and felt the sharp stab of pain in your chest. Taking a deep breath, you slowly walked out of the mechanic’s shed.

You suddenly felt incredibly alone in this world.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Noona, can’t I come to these dance battles too?”

You sighed. Yugyeom was growing more alert and intelligent as time passed, which meant that he had a knack for figuring out when you were about to sneak out of the house to meet Jaebum. The young boy burst into your bedroom just as you were putting on your jacket and climbing out of the window.

“No, Yugyeom,” you told him patiently.

Yugyeom frowned. “Why not?”

“Because they’re not for little kids.”

“But I want to learn how to dance too! I’m really good at dancing!” he insisted with a pout. Yugyeom immediately started doing a rather poor imitation of breakdance moves in the middle of your bedroom to prove his passion. You couldn’t help but laugh; Yugyeom was growing taller and lankier each day and puberty had left him with dangling limbs and shoulders that he didn’t know what to do with. You giggled when he tried to imitate a robot-like dance move.

“Yugyeom, stop,” you laughed.

Yugyeom stopped dancing  and frowned. “It’s not fair. I’m a better dancer than you. Why can’t I go? Noona, I want to meet your boyfriend. Maybe he can teach me how to dance.”

You shook your head “I don’t have a boyfriend.”

Yugyeom folded his arms across his chest with a pout. “Yes, you do. Don’t lie. I heard his voice in your bedroom last night. I know he’s the person you keep going to these dance battles with. Why won’t you take me with you? I promise I’ll be totally quiet and I won’t annoy him at all. I’ll even call him hyung and he can teach me how to breakdance!”

You smiled and placed your hands on your brother’s chubby cheeks to squish them. “You don’t want to come to those underground dance battles. How about you join some dance classes? Noona will find a way to pay for them. Just wait a year or two, okay?”

“Really?”

“I promise. If Yugyeom-mie wants to learn how to dance then he can learn it properly, not from my boyfriend.”

Yugyeom’s face broke into a shit-eating grin. “Ha! So you admit you have a boyfriend?”

You flushed. “What?”

“You admitted it, you admitted it! I didn’t really want to learn how to dance I just wanted you to admit that you had a boyfriend!” Yugyeom sang happily. He held his palm out to you in a smug manner. “Noona, give me money to buy a new game or I’m going to tell Mom about your boyfriend.”

You glared at him. “You little shit.”

Yugyeom beamed.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Your mother was having trouble breathing when you got home.

“Are you sure we don’t need to go to the hospital, Mom?” you asked. There was a small medicine bag on the bedside table and you helped her find the asthma inhaler and use it to help calm her breathing. There were a surprisingly large number of medicines in the bag. You didn’t know who had paid for all of these medications and you didn’t really want to ask.

You had a feeling that you wouldn’t like the answer.

“I’m fine,” she croaked dismissively. She let out a dry cough. “This happens all the time. It’s fine. I’ll be perfectly fine in a few minutes.”

You bit your lip. “Mom…”

“It’s really all right. Why don’t you let me get up and make you some dinner-”

“I’ve already started on dinner,” you told her firmly before making sure that she lay back on the bed. You didn’t want her to strain herself in this delicate condition. “I bought chicken and potatoes to make Yugyeom’s favorite dinner and they’re cooking. I’m going to bring you some soup in bed.”

She glanced up at you. “Are you all right, dear?”

No, you thought to yourself. No, I’m not fine. Everything is falling apart, I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I don’t know how sick you are. I don’t know how much trouble Yugyeom’s in.

I don’t know anything.

You had finished making dinner and served the meal into plates when the front door opened. Yugyeom trudged into the house with his lips pressed together tightly. He gave you a surly look and then sat down at the dining table. He blinked in surprise at how clean it was; you’d spent all afternoon cleaning the kitchen and the living room.

“I made chicken,” you informed him gently. You set the plate down in front of Yugyeom but he didn’t even look at it. He simply stared at you in stony silence. You sat across from him and clenched your fists. You hate the emptiness you saw in Yugyeom’s eyes as he stared at you. You hated how you could no longer see the spark of innocence, the happiness in his eyes as he called you noona.

You hated how your little brother had disappeared.

“Aren’t you hungry?” you wondered.

Yugyeom folded his arms across his chest and frowned. “Jaebum-hyung says I have to apologize to you. He thinks that I shouldn’t have been so rude and that I should treat my older sister better. Funny, isn’t it? How he seems to think that you’re deserving of respect even though you evidently think that he’s trash.”

You took a deep breath. “Yugyeom, Lim Jaebum is a criminal-”

“He served the time the court asked him to.”

“That doesn’t change the fact that he’s guilty of murder and robbery,” you explained as you tried to stay calm. Your voice was trembling and you tried to make your brother understand. “He plead guilty to killing a man and robbing him. I know that you seem to think that Jaebum is some kind of role model and I understand why you trust him because he can seem like a very kind and understanding person but that doesn’t change the fact that-”

“You don’t even know him,” Yugyeom snapped.

You stared at him. “What?”

“You don’t even know him. You’re just like all the other people in this town, noona, you judge Jaebum-hyung based on rumours and stories. He’s a good person. He was there for me when nobody else was there and he took care of me. He treated me like his own brother. You were gone. When’s the last time you called me, noona? You haven’t been home in two years. Did you ever even answer my calls while you were at uni? Did you ever bother to come home during break?”

Your stomach churned. “Yugyeom, I was busy-”

He scoffed. “The usual story.”

“I was!” you cried. You couldn’t take this anymore. You couldn’t take Yugyeom treating you like you’d done something wrong when all your struggles and suffering had been for him. “Do you think it’s been easy to get my accounting degree while working multiple jobs at the same time? I was exhausted! I’ve been working day and night in order to put myself through university and keep up with my studies to maintain my scholarship! Do you know why I do these things? Do you you know why I struggle so much? Because I want a better life for our family. I want to get a good job, to earn enough to pay off our debt and take you and Mom away from this stupid town! I want to earn enough for you to go to college!”

Yugyeom stared at you in disbelief. “Really? Is that what you tell yourself every night? That you left me here to rot for my benefit?”

Your hands trembled. “I didn’t leave you here to rot-”

Yugyeom laughed, a cold and empty laugh that sent a shiver down your spine. His eyes were harsh when he stared at you. “I don’t know, noona. I don’t think you can have it both ways. You don’t get to leave me behind here and go off to your fancy university and live your life while claiming that you did it because you love me and care about me.”

“Yugyeom, I wanted you to be happy-”

“But I was unhappy!” he yelled at you suddenly. His face had turned red and you could see that his eyes had glazed over. He had evidently been holding this in for a long time. “I was unhappy when my sister left me behind in this stupid town, I was unhappy when she barely answered my calls or cared about my life. I was unhappy and I wanted you and you weren’t there for me, noona, so it doesn’t matter how much you sat there and wanted me to be happy because I wasn’t!”

You stared at him in shock. You suddenly realized how much pain Yugyeom was in. You realized how sheltered and adored and loved he had been until you left him behind to deal with his own life. How could you have been so stupid? How could you have thought that Yugyeom would be okay with you leaving him or that he would understand your reasons? He had been used to his older sister always being there for him and suddenly she had left. You wanted to reach out and hug your brother.

“I… I’m sorry.”

He bit his lip and shook his head. “Forget it.”

“Yugyeom, I really-”

“I don’t want to hear it, noona. I wanted to talk to you so many times but you never listened to me. You were always too busy. I don’t care if you wanted to earn money or pay off Dad’s debts or send me to college. We could have figured out ways to do that together. We could have worked as a team like we always did. You didn’t have to leave me here.”

Your voice cracked. “But-”

“You abandoned me and you seriously expect me to believe that you did it for my benefit,” Yugyeom reminded you shakily. His dark eyes were filled with pain. “Well, here’s the sad thing about your life, noona. I don’t believe that you really care about me and I’m not grateful. So you can do whatever you want now”

Yugyeom pushed the plate of chicken away and stormed upstairs.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Yugyeom was bleeding.

They had taken him behind the alleyway and beaten him up, the same way they had been doing every day since he had tried to leave the gang. He had imagined that joining the gang would be cool and that he would make some friends. He hadn’t expected to be handed a knife and ordered him to mug somebody on the street at night. He couldn’t do it. Yugyeom had never hurt anybody and he couldn’t start now. He had refused.

But there was no leaving the gang. Once you entered it was for life.

Lying the alleyway while his arm bled out and his legs screamed in pain, Yugyeom wondered if he had much of life left.

He limped into a corner behind the alleyway and managed to find a place to sit while he clutched his heavily bleeding arm. His teeth were gritted in pain. Yugyeom was growing used to it; the physical pain wasn’t as unbearable as the intense loneliness that he felt once the gang was done beating him up. Yugyeom had never felt so alone in his life. He couldn’t go home and tell his mother; she was already so weak and frail, what if she tried to help him and the gang hurt her as well? All of his friends at school had started to avoid him. All the teachers had labelled him a problematic student and given up on him.

And you. His noona, the one person who had always taken care of him and solved all his problems for him, was gone.

He missed you.

Yugyeom reached into his pocket and carefully pulled out the cellphone that you had given him. Your last goodbye present before you left him here in this horrible place. Your cellphone number was the only number saved in the contacts and he tentatively pressed call before holding it up to his phone.

It rang four times before you answered.

“Yugyeom?” your voice answered. Yugyeom wanted to cry upon hearing your gentle voice. He wanted to hug you and tell you how horrible things were, he wanted to beg you to come back. He wanted to tell you that he didn’t know what to do anymore. He couldn’t do this alone. He needed you.

“Noona,” he croaked out.

“Yugyeom, I’m at work. Can I call you back tomorrow? I have to finish my shift and then go write a paper by midnight,” your voice said hurriedly. You sounded busy, as though talking to him was a bother. You sounded tired. Yugyeom felt his heart sink.

He bit his lip. “O-okay.”

“Just text me if it’s something urgent, okay? I can’t let my boss catch me my on my phone. Good night!”

Yugyeom let the phone fall to his side and sniffled back the tears that had begun to form in his eyes. You were always busy. You were always tired. He had been trying to tell you how bad things were for weeks but you never seemed to want to listen. He held the phone loosely in his hand and then opened a new text message.

‘Noona,’ he typed slowly. ‘I don’t want to live anymore.’

Yugyeom stared at the message for a few moments. Then he deleted it and let his head fall back against the wall. The phone clattered to the ground and he closed his eyes. There was no escape. You wouldn’t come to save him.

This was his life now.

Yugyeom wasn’t sure how long he’d been lying there bleeding. It was only when a soft hand gently shook him awake that he opened his eyes. He looked up blearily and saw an unfamiliar face; a broad-shouldered man with a sharp set jawline and kind eyes was helping him to his feet.

“Hey kid,” the man said quietly. “Stay with me, okay? Let’s get you somewhere safe.”

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You stumbled out of the house, feeling numb.

You felt like somebody had turned your world upside down. It was as if you had been walking along a path only to find that you’d been going backwards, that you were further away from your destination than when you started. Like you were tired, worn-out and had exhausted all your energy only to find that you’d been going the wrong way.

Now you didn’t have any energy left.

It was too late.

Yugyeom hated you.

Your feet carried you slowly down the dusty street. This town had always been small but you suddenly realized how dead it looked. It was a miserable place full of miserable people. It had always been. You had never been happy here. There were only two people in this entire world that had ever made you happy and you had somehow lost them both.

Jaebum had betrayed you and you had betrayed Yugyeom.

You passed by Mark’s bakery- it was closed, he always closed early in the evenings- and found yourself slowly walking towards the old gas station and Jaebum’s mechanic store. It had belonged to a friendly old man back when you were in high school. The old man must have died if Jaebum owned it now.

Jaebum.

Why had you blamed him? You were filled with a sudden intense, disgust for yourself as you looked at the old mechanic’s shed and saw the flickering light on in the back. Jaebum was evidently still working. He had been the one to take care of Yugyeom and give him a job while you were gone. He had taken responsibility for your young and innocent brother while you had been off in your own little world.

Jaebum was like that. Even when you had been together he had always done everything in his power to make you happy. His presence was magnetic. He was responsible and affectionate and had a heart of gold. He cared.

You missed Jaebum like crazy.

Your knees felt weak so you sat down on the sidewalk and pulled your knees up to your chest. You buried your head in your arms and held back the sobs that racked your body. You felt alone. You understood how Yugyeom must have felt now, dealing with your sick mother and having nobody to turn to when he was weak. You had failed him.

You had failed him terribly.

You heard the sound of footsteps approaching and slowly lifted your head. Jaebum had just stepped out of the shop and was walking towards you. He looked hesitant; his eyes were filled with concern but when they met yours, he finished the journey.

“Hey,” he greeted you quietly. “Didn’t Yugyeom come home?”

“He did,” you mumbled.

“Are you all right?”

“No.”

“Do you want to come inside?” Jaebum gently held his hand out to you. You saw his hand; it was rougher than it had been back in high school. There were calluses on his fingers and smudges of oil on his thumb. He had evidently been working hard. You looked up at Jaebum as the tears slid down your cheeks. You felt small and weak. Jaebum had always been there for you when you felt weak. He had been your only source of strength during the most difficult time of your life.

You missed him.

“Okay,” you whispered as you slowly reached for his hand. “Okay.”

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Hey, you. Tall kid. Get under the car and clean up that grease for me,” Jinyoung ordered.

Yugyeom pouted.

Everyone working at the mechanics’ shed had almost instantly started to welcome him; some because they were fond of how sweet and easy-going Yugyeom was and others because they were scared of Jaebum and what he might do if they didn’t treat Yugyeom well.

Park Jinyoung was fond of Yugyeom because he liked to make him do all his dirty work.

“Hyung, isn’t that your car?” Yugyeom wondered.

Jinyoung narrowed his eyes. “Are you talking back to me? Are you forgetting who the boss is here?”

Yugyeom opened his mouth to respond cheekily but he was cut off by the appearance of Jaebum himself, wiping his hands on a dirty rag. Jaebum chuckled as he tossed the rag on a table nearby.

“The boss is me, Jinyoung. I put the money into this place. And I say that it’s your car so you need to clean up the grease yourself. Don’t keep bullying the kid.”

Jinyoung looked offended. “I’d like to remind you that I’m the one who manages the customers around here. Nobody would be sending their cars to us if my pretty face wasn’t sitting at the front desk. I bring some life to this place and you should be grateful.”

“I am grateful,” Jaebum replied simply. “Now clean your own car.”

Jinyoung made a face behind Jaebum’s back as the latter walked out of the mechanic’s shop. Yugyeom sniggered gleefully, but fell silent as soon as Jinyoung turned his sharp glare towards him.

“Don’t be so quick to laugh at me, kid. You’re lucky Jaebum puts up with you. He’s usually pretty hard on new people but for some reason he thinks you're cute. There’s something fishy about this whole situation. I’m still trying to figure it out.”

Jackson lifted his head from behind one of the car engines with a grin. “Isn’t it obvious? It’s because he looks a little bit like Chocolate Eyes.”

Yugyeom perked up. “Chocolate Eyes? What’s that?”

“Shhh, we don’t talk about Chocolate Eyes in front of Jaebum anymore. Not since she left, anyway.”

“But who is Chocolate Eyes?” Yugyeom demanded.

Jackson checked the door furtively to make sure that Jaebum had really left the shed before he turned back to Yugyeom. “Chocolate Eyes is our nickname for this girl that Jaebum was in love with before he went to prison. He used to write all these sweet love songs about her. Jaebum is usually a calm and logical person but when it came to her, he always threw all logic out of the window. I think he would have cut off his own hand for her if she’d just asked.”

Yugyeom gaped. “Wow. I can’t imagine how awesome she must have been for Jaebum-hyung to fall in love with her.”

Jinyoung tsk-ed. “Yeah, but what’s the point? She left him.”

“Why?”

“Sometimes love makes you do crazy things,” Jackson mused with a frown. “You forget all reason and rationality. That was what happened to Jaebum. He killed a man for her and she never forgave him. She came to the courtroom and watched him plead guilty, then she told him that she never wanted to see him again and left.”

Yugyeom’s eyes widened. “But why did he kill the man-”

“Okay, that’s enough gossiping about Jaebum’s life!” Jinyoung decided with a frown. “There is grease under my car and someone needs to clean it! Kim Yugyeom. We don’t pay you to sit around. Until the day you start bearing a resemblance to MY long lost lover, you’re going to have to pull your weight around here.”

Yugyeom pouted. “Yes, hyung...”

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The mechanic’s shed was empty because everyone had already gone home for the night.

Jaebum turned on a few lights so that the room was brighter and pulled up a chair next to Jinyoung’s desk for you. You sat down on it shakily and watched Jaebum go into a small pantry off to the side of the shed. He returned with two mugs of hot tea and pressed one into your hands. The warmth of the mug returned some feeling to your fingers and you stared up at Jaebum helplessly.

What am I doing? you wondered briefly.

“Did Yugyeom apologize to you?” Jaebum asked quietly.

You closed your eyes in shame. “He hates me.”

“No, he doesn’t. He’s been through a lot and he’s upset that you weren’t around to help him deal with his problems. He joined a gang and they wouldn’t let him leave. You know how dangerous those things are. He was being beaten up by them regularly when I found him. Yugyeom is an innocent kid, and he didn’t know how to handle the situation.”

You felt sick. “Oh god.”

“It happens to a lot of kids in this town.”

“Yeah, but Yugyeom’s my brother,” you whispered.

Your hands trembled and Jaebum carefully took the tea mug away from you. You looked up at him and suddenly realized that, in this moment, you hated yourself so much more than you hated Jaebum. You were the one person Yugyeom had trusted and you'd left him behind and tried to blame Jaebum for your mistakes.

“How could I have let this happen to him? Why didn’t I just make the time to call every now and then? How did- how did I not even know that things had gotten this bad?”

“You were busy. It can’t have been easy to put yourself through college and work so hard.”

“It wasn’t,” you whispered. You squeezed your eyes shut and a tear escaped. “It was hell. It is hell. I barely slept three hours a night because I’d work night shifts and have to go to class the next morning. I would have given up long ago if I didn’t keep thinking that I couldn’t let down Yugyeom and my mother. I went through all of this for them but I destroyed them in the process. I didn't… I didn't mean to leave him!”

“He doesn’t know that. He just missed you.”

“I miss him too,” you choked out.

You couldn’t hold back the sobs that were rising up in your throat. Your heart felt like it was going to rip out of your chest and you pressed your hands to your face while you sobbed. How could you have been so ignorant? Jaebum sat silently while you cried your eyes out. There was nothing he could say to help; you had bottled up your emotions and you needed to release them. He simply watched you quietly and wondered why the world had dealt someone as soft-hearted as you such a bad deal.

Once the sobs subsided, Jaebum handed you a tissue. You took it reluctantly and then looked up at Jaebum. He was watching you with a pained expression on his face.

“Why was he all bloody last night?” you managed to ask finally. “It really wasn’t you who hurt him?”

Jaebum sighed. “We paid off the gang to stop attacking him but sometimes they still rough him up when they catch him alone. Last night was one of those nights. Yugyeom’s gotten a lot better at defending himself, though, and he has my number on speed dial. He calls when he’s in trouble so we can go get him. You don’t need to worry. It doesn’t happen too often.”

You glared at him.

“Once is too often.”

“He’ll be fine,” Jaebum promised you. His voice was gentle. It shouldn't have been and you hated how much it comforted you. “Yugyeom might not be the little kid you remember anymore, but sometimes life throws circumstances at people and it changes them. We all have to toughen up. Yugyeom happened to learn that the hard way, just like you and I did."

You stared at Jaebum. There was a kindness in his eyes that you had missed, a kindness that you found so difficult to trust because you had been betrayed by it before. Jaebum had always been soft at heart. But you had also seen this soft-hearted man handcuffed and taken to prison. You had watched him stand in front of a judge and plead guilty to murder in order to get a lighter sentence.

Somewhere behind that soft heart  was a monster.

“Why are you doing this?” you asked quietly. “Helping Yugyeom? Why did you take him in and pay off the gang to leave him alone?”

Jaebum blinked at you calmly. “You know why I did it.”

“Out of kindness?”

“No.” Jaebum’s lips twisted into a reluctant smile. “Do you really want to hear me say it?”

"Yeah."

"I did it because I love you," he told you quietly. "I did it because I promised you once that I would never let anything happen to your family and I wanted to keep my promise."

You stared at him. Even after all this time, it made your heart leap to hear Jaebum say so confidently that he loved you. His voice was gentle and it sounded so honest and sincere. Jaebum had always been honest.

Until the day he wasn't.

"I figured our promises went down the drain when you were convicted for murder and robbery," you told him bluntly. It was true. No matter how kind Jaebum's eyes were or how sincere his words, nobody could ever erase the memory of watching the man you loved be taken away in handcuffs as a violent criminal. That would stay with you forever.

Jaebum leaned back and nodded. His eyes were dull and unsurprised, like he had already resigned himself to the truth.

"I thought you would say that. I don't expect you to trust me. But I'm still the man you loved," he whispered. He took a deep breath. "I understand if you hate that I'm a criminal but I have only ever wanted you to be happy."

"Did you really go there to rob that man?" you asked shakily. You wondered if Jaebum would ever tell you the truth, or if there was even any truth left to tell. "I saw the victim's face in the papers. He used to come to your dance battles sometimes. Did you find out that he had that money and go there to rob him?"

Jaebum's jaw tightened. "No."

"Then why did you go there?"

"You don't want to know," he replied darkly. "Trust me. You're better off not knowing what happened that night. Hate me all you want, since it's true that I killed him."

"Don't you feel any remorse?" you whispered.

Jaebum shook his head. "No. I would do it again."

You stared at Jaebum. Despite all that had happened, some part of you desperately wanted to believe him. You wanted to think that the man you had loved had had a justified reason for robbing a man and murdering him in cold-blood.

You wanted to know if he had really done it for you.

"Then tell me. How bad can it be? Tell me what happened."

----------------------------------------------------------------------

"Are you sure about this, Jaebum?” Jinyoung asked nervously.

“I need the money. She needs the money or those goons will never leave her alone,” Jaebum said firmly. His jaw was clenched. He had made up his mind and there was nothing anybody could do to change it. Seeing you cry after you’d been threatened by the moneylender’s cronies had terrified Jaebum.

He wasn’t going to wait to lose you.  

“But Jaebum, it’s your music. They’re going to pass it off as their own and they won’t give you a share in the copyrights. You wanted to start your own career. How are you going to do that if you sell everything you’ve worked on to that fake-ass musician? Do you really need to get involved with people like that?” Jinyoung demanded. He could see how emotional Jaebum was and he felt like it was his responsibility to stop his friend from making an irrational decision.

Jaebum took a deep breath and frowned. “I appreciate your concern, Jinyoung, but I need you to shut up right now.”

“You’re even going to sell him Chocolate Eyes?”

“Yes.”

“There’s something extremely shady about this. What if he’s not willing to leave it as a one-time transaction? What if he wants you to keep working for him and he keeps stealing your music? There’s something fishy about these people. Jaebum, let’s sit down and think about this and do some research before you walk into their den and hand over all of your work to them-”

“I don’t have the time to sit down, those goons could hurt her any moment-”

Jaebum was interrupted by Jackson. The normally loud and talkative boy had been silent ever since Jaebum announced his intention to hand over all of his music in the form of ghostwriting for some money. Jackson reached into his pocket and pressed something into Jaebum’s hand; it was a knife.

“Be careful,” Jackson whispered. “These guys can be dangerous.”

Jaebum nodded.

His backpack felt heavy as he went to the address written on the slip of paper. This strange man had approached him at one of the dance battles; he had repeatedly asked Jaebum to sell him all of his music but Jaebum had refused. He had imagined that he could start his own producing career once he graduated and selling all of his work hadn’t seemed like the best way to start.

But now your life was more important.

The building was dark and dimly lit. Jaebum had to walk through alleyways and ask a few unpleasant people for directions before he finally managed to find the apartment number. It was dirty. He knocked on the door hesitantly.

“Who is it?” a voice asked gruffly from the other side.

“It’s-it’s Jaebum. We talked on the phone? About the music?” he called out.

The door swung open. The man was standing on the other side and he had a huge smile on his face; he welcomed Jaebum into the apartment and clapped him on the back heartily. “Jaebum! Come on in. I heard about your situation. Don’t worry, I’ve got the money ready for you. Here’s my assistant. Hey! Bring the kid the money. Do you have all the music?”

Jaebum swallowed and nodded. “Yeah.”

A large and well-built man came out of the adjoining room with a bag. He unzipped it and showed Jaebum that it was filled with currency; Jaebum had never seen so much money in his life. His hands were shaking as he reached into his own backpack and pulled out his music notebooks.

“I-I put everything together here,” Jaebum explained quietly.

“All of it?”

“Yeah, everything I’ve ever written.”

The man nodded sympathetically as he took the notebook and then handed Jaebum the bag of cash. “You’re doing a good thing, kid. I’m sure your girlfriend will be happy about you helping her. You said that the moneylenders are threatening her because of her father’s debt? Poor girl. She must have been so terrified.”

Jaebum swallowed. “Uh-yeah.”

“Okay, kid. You stay in touch and let me know if you ever write some more stuff that you want to sell me, yeah? Shut the door behind you when you leave.”

“Yeah. Thanks.”

Jaebum’s hands closed around the bag filled with money and he quickly transferred it into his own backpack. Then he hurried out of the apartment. He was about to shut the front door when he suddenly wondered if he should have counted the money out in front of them or even checked to see if it was legitimate. What if they were cheating him because he was just a teenager? Jaebum turned around to go back when he heard voices drifting out of the next room.

“.... stupid kid. I bet he doesn’t even realize how much quality music like this is worth. I’m almost wondering if we should let him live so he can write more stuff for us.”

“Yes, boss.”

“Do you think that pretty little girlfriend of his inspired all these songs? I’m kind of curious about her too. Maybe you should go find her. We’ll have some fun with her once you’ve gotten the money back from the kid. Once he’s dead I guess there won’t be anyone left for her to turn to. I love helpless girls, they’re the best kind.”

Jaebum’s heart clenched with fear.

Fuck. What had he gotten himself into? Fuck.

“Well, what are you waiting for? Don’t let the kid get too far with our money. Finish him and bring me my cash back.”

Jaebum heard the sound of footsteps and ran; he sprinted to the end of the corridor where a supply closet was half open and thrust himself inside. His heartbeat raced and he held his breath as the watched the large bodyguard walk past him through the crack of the door.

Once he was gone, Jaebum  slumped back against the wall and sank to the floor. Fuck. What was he going to do? This man was out to kill him and he was going to hurt you too. What had he gotten himself into? How was he going to escape this? Even if he managed to survive the bodyguard and make off with the money, there was no way to stop them from hurting you. Jaebum banged his fists against the wall in desperation. Something fell out of his pocket and clattered to the floor.

The knife.

Jaebum’s fingers closed around it.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“The lawyer said that if I plead guilty and show remorse, the judge would consider my young age and I could get away with a lighter sentence,” Jaebum explained quietly. ��Otherwise I would have been locked up for years. There was no way to prove that the cash had been given to me by the man so they presumed I must have stolen it. I really wanted to tell people the truth about what happened. But it wasn’t worth spending a decade in prison.”

You had no words to say. As you looked up at Jaebum, you finally saw him for what he really was. Not a monster or a criminal, but a scared boy who had done something foolish in a moment of fear. No matter how much life hardened Jaebum or how brave he was, that part of him was still there on the inside.

You felt sick.

“You must have been so scared,” you whispered.

He bit his lip. “It’s okay. I was an idiot. I should never have trusted that man in the first place. It was my own desperation and foolishness that got me into that situation.”

“But-”

“Please don’t pity me,” Jaebum told you firmly. “That’s the last thing I want to hear from you.”

Your head was spinning and you had to press your fingers to your temple in order to collect your thoughts. How could you have misunderstood Jaebum so much? How could you have been so quick to turn on a man who loved you and who had put himself in danger for you? You felt pathetic. You had abandoned Yugyeom and misunderstood him the same way.

Were you capable of doing anything right? Or were you bound to keep hurting the people you loved because of your foolishness?

“I-I never even… I never even came to see you when you were in prison,” you remembered miserably. “Because I thought you really went there to rob that man, I thought you had lied to me about not getting involved in anything illegal and because you’d been acting so shady about the whole thing after those goons threatened me-”

“I know,” he replied.

“I’m sorry.”

“No, don’t say that. I know you were scared and I know you felt betrayed,” Jaebum said. He carefully reached out and placed his hand over yours. His warm fingers felt familiar as his thumb gently stroked your palm. Jaebum’s touch had always been comforting. “Life thrusts a lot of things at us and we react how we feel we need to at the time. It’s okay. I’m fine. You’re fine. Yugyeom is fine too, and that’s all that matters.”

You bit your lip. “How can you be so optimistic?”

“Because I want to be happy.”

“Are you?”

Jaebum shrugged. “Sometimes I am, sometimes I’m not. But right now with you in front of me, I think I’m the happiest I’ve been in a while.”

"I want to be happy too," you mumbled.

Jaebum nodded.

"Don't worry. You will be."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Jaebum insisted on taking you home.

As you walked down the street with him quietly, his hand loosely holding yours, you were reminded of all the times you had done this before. You were reminded of how loved and safe you had always felt with Jaebum. How difficult it had been to say goodbye to him at the end of each day.

You missed that feeling.

"Don't worry about Yugyeom too much," Jaebum reassured you quietly. "He was angry and he needed to let it all out but now that he has, I'm sure he'll remember how much he misses you. He used to talk about you all the time. He can’t possibly forget how much he loves you.”

“He seems to love you more.”

Jaebum bit his lip. “He’s just a loving kid. That’s how he is.”

You glanced up at Jaebum and for a brief moment, you wondered what might have happened to your family and Yugyeom if he hadn’t been there to take care of them. If Jaebum hadn’t rescued Yugyeom from the gang and been an older brother to him, if he hadn’t been around to pay for your mother’s medication. Jaebum had fixed all the problems that were yours to handle and you couldn’t understand why he did all these things while you had written him off as a criminal and a monster.

“You should get some sleep,” Jaebum told you as you both approached your house. “You need to relax. Everything will be fine.”

You glanced down at your intertwined hands.

“Everything’s only fine because you take care of it,” you mumbled. It was slowly sinking in exactly how much you owed Jaebum, how much he had done with the sole purpose of making your life happier. How was anyone capable of such selfless love? Why had he chosen you of all people to care for? You looked up at him and frowned. “Why do you keep taking care of everything?”

Jaebum looked down at you quietly. “I don’t know.”

“I hate how much I need you,” you told him.

He didn’t say anything. He didn’t need to, because you both knew the truth in that statement. No matter how much you denied it, the fact was was right there in front of your eyes.

You needed Jaebum.

You weren’t sure which one of you moved first, but it was probably you who wrapped your arms around Jaebum and wove your fingers tightly onto the fabric of his jacket. You needed to feel him close to you. You needed him to reassure you that everything would be okay, that even if you couldn’t handle life he would be there to help you through it. You needed to feel safe and the only time you felt that way was when you were in Lim Jaebum’s arms.

Jaebum had never imagined that he would get to hold you again. When you buried your face into his chest he was reminded of the cold nights in prison thinking about you, wondering where you were and how much you hated him. He remembered thinking that he would never get to hold you like this again, that he would never get to feel you in his arms once more. He would never get to see your beautiful eyes smiling back at him sweetly.

“I love you,” he whispered.

You leaned up and kissed him. It was a soft kiss; filled with hesitation and relief and gratitude and trust, and all the other wild mixture of emotions that were spinning through your mind at the moment. Jaebum’s lips captured yours tentatively. He didn’t want to lose you. He didn’t want to push you so far when you were so overwhelmed. He pecked your lips softly and brought his hands up to capture your face in them as he looked down at you.

“We don’t have to do this now,” he told you softly. “We can take this slow and talk about-”

“Noona?”

You ripped yourself away from Jaebum at the sound of Yugyeom’s voice. Your younger brother was standing on the front porch and staring at the both of you with wide eyes. You felt a sudden shiver down your spine.

Jaebum spoke first. “Yugyeom-”

“I’ve been trying to call you for over an hour, hyung,” Yugyeom said. His voice sounded thick and hoarse; like he had been crying. His ears were flushed red. “But you weren’t answering your phone. I thought you must have been working. You were fucking around with my sister?”

You flinched. “Yugyeom,I can explain-”

“Yeah, please do,” he snapped. His voice was trembling as he stepped closer to the both of you. He sounded angry. “Because barely twenty-four hours ago you were calling Jaebum-hyung a criminal and now you’re messing around with him? What sort of fucked up logic is that, noona? What the hell is wrong with you?”

“I-”

“It’s not what you’re thinking, Yugyeom. We’ve known each other for a long time now,” Jaebum explained calmly. He took a deep breath. “I knew your noona long before I met you. We used to date in high school.”

Yugyeom’s eyebrows furrowed. “What?”

“I’m sorry I never said anything,” Jaebum replied. “But they were painful and personal memories to me so I didn’t like talking about them.”

“Oh my god.”

“Yugyeom…”

Yugyeom’s dark eyes had widened in horror. “Oh my god, noona, you’re Chocolate Eyes. You’re the girl Jaebum-hyung used to be in love with who left him after he got arrested. But that means…” he turned and looked at Jaebum. Something behind his eyes seemed to break. “That means you knew that I was her brother.”

Jaebum hesitated. “I-yes…”

“So all this time,” Yugyeom began slowly. “All this time, when you rescued me from the gang and when you gave me a job and all those times you told me that I could trust you and count on you, you weren’t doing those things for me. You didn’t do any of that for me. You took me in and cared for me because you used to fuck around with my sister. I thought the world of you but you just looked at me and saw her, didn’t you?” he cried. Tears were brimming in his eyes.

“What? Yugyeom, no-”

“I’m sorry,” he said quietly. His dark gaze suddenly looked ashamed. “I guess I’m always the burden.”

Your heart broke. “No-”

You reached out to wrap your arms around Yugyeom, to hold your little brother tightly and reassure him that he was not a burden and that you would always love him more than anything in the world.

But Yugyeom shoved your arms away roughly and gave you one last heartbroken look before he ran down the street. You started to run after him but Jaebum silently held you back. He wrapped his arms around you and held you tightly to his chest.

“Don’t,” he whispered. “Give him some space. He’ll come back.”

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Noona,” Yugyeom asked suddenly. “Noona, am I annoying?”

You barely glanced up from your homework. Yugyeom was always asking you stupid questions while you were trying to study and you were too busy struggling to find the right formula for the algebra problem.

“Yes, you’re very annoying,” you told him simply.

Yugyeom bit his lip.

“Oh. Okay.”

You lifted your head and turned around to look at him, immediately sensing something wrong. That wasn’t Yugyeom’s usual curious tone. He sounded upset. You saw him sitting in the middle of your bed while picking at the loose strings of the sheets miserably. You sighed and closed your books. You sat next to him and patted his mushroom-shaped hair.

“Did somebody call our Yugyeom-ie annoying?” you asked.

He pouted. “No.”

“You can’t lie to me. Noona knows everything.”

“... Yes,” he admitted. His lower lip stuck out in a small pout. “This girl at school said I was annoying. She told me I was being too loud and to shut up.”

You frowned. How dare some stupid girl tell your adorable brother that he was annoying? Kids were meant to be loud anyway. “You should have told her to shut up too.”

Yugyeom smiled sheepishly. “Really?”

“Sure. Who isn’t loud during playtime? She was being a…” you cleared your throat before you used an unpleasant word in front of him. “Well. Not a nice person.”

“But you didn’t answer my question. Do I annoy you?”

“Sure you do,” you told him lightly. “You annoy me all the time. But that’s okay, because family are the people who you can annoy but they’ll still love you. You might be annoyed by what they DO, but you’ll still love THEM, you, know? I’ll always love you no matter how much you annoy me. Because you’re my brother and that’s how things are.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

“But the girl at school won’t, right?”

You chuckled. “Yugyeom, do you have a crush on this girl?”

His ears turned red. “What? No!”

“Ooooooh, Yugyeom had a crush on a girl,” you sang playfully, poking him in the shoulder. Yugyeom’s face slowly blushed red and he shoved at you before hurrying out of your bedroom and slamming the door shut behind him. You smiled and turned back to your homework.

You would always love Yugyeom.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Yugyeom didn’t come home that night.

You had to go back to university in two days but you couldn’t bring yourself to even think about packing. You spent most of the night awake and terrified that Yugyeom was roaming around on the streets somewhere alone, that the gang who was after his life would find him and hurt him. He wasn’t answering your phone calls or Jaebum’s.

In the early hours of the morning, Jaebum got a call from Bambam saying that Yugyeom had arrived at his place and that he was upset, but safe. He didn’t want to talk to either of you.

“It’s time to take your medicines,” you told your mother quietly as you entered her bedroom. The old woman was still lying in bed and looking as frail as ever. She had become a shell of the person that she used to be and you could see that something in her eyes was broken. You didn’t want to ask her why. You squeezed her hands. “Are you okay, Mom?”

She took a deep breath and looked at you calmly. “I’m sorry I’m such a burden.”

Your throat felt tight. “Mom…”

“I should have taken better care of you both but I can barely get out of bed. I know that the only reason Yugyeom has been able to afford my medicines is because Jaebum gives him money. I know that you’ve been having such a hard time at university because you need to work so much. I’m sorry I haven’t been able to do better. I’m sorry.”

You squeezed her hand as tears blurred your vision. “Mom, you did fine.”

“I don’t know how much longer I’ll last.”

“Don’t say things like that.”

“You know I love you, right? And Yugyeom too. I’m so proud of him. I’m proud of you both.”

“I know. He knows and I know, it’s okay. You’re going to be fine,” you promised her, although you weren’t sure. You weren’t sure if she would be fine or if Yugyeom would be fine or if you would be fine. You weren’t sure of anything.

You just wanted it all to end.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“I don’t know if I can go back,” you admitted shakily.

Jaebum sat on your bed quietly as he watched you pack. You had already overstayed your vacation and there were classes, assignments and papers you had to write in order to finish your graduation. Everything was waiting there but your heart wouldn’t let you leave.

“You have to graduate,” Jaebum reminded you quietly.

“I-I could take a semester off,” you mumbled as you placed a t-shirt half-heartedly in the suitcase. You swallowed and looked up at him with a frown. “But that would delay my graduation and it might mean that I would lose my scholarship. I don’t think I could afford to pay tuition. What should I do, Jaebum?”

He bit his lip. “You should go finish your degree.”

“Still? Even though things have gotten this bad in my absence?” you wondered. You pressed your fingers to your temples. “Then Yugyeom will never forgive me. And Mom… she keeps talking about how she might die soon and it’s scaring me, Jaebum.”

“She’ll be fine. I’ll make sure she gets the medical treatment she needs.”

“But-”

“You can’t abandon your education now. What will become of the last two years of your hard work?” Jaebum asked you with a frown. He placed an arm around your shoulder and squeezed you comfortingly. “It’ll be fine. Don’t worry so much. It’s all okay.”

“You keep saying that but things only keep getting worse, Jaebum-”

The doorbell rang. Your eyes widened in surprise and Jaebum gestured for you to stay put while he went to check out who it was. You sat down and pressed your fingers to your temples again. It was too much to hope that Yugyeom had come back. He had been staying at Bambam’s and had refused to talk to either you or Jaebum for days. Your felt nauseous as you continued to toss clothes into your suitcase. Jaebum was taking a long time to return.

There was a sharp knock on the bedroom door.

“Hey,” Jaebum peeked into your room with a small smile. “Look who’s here.”

He stepped aside to reveal Yugyeom standing behind him. Your eyes widened in relief at the sight of your little brother safe and unhurt. “Yugyeom!” you cried. He looked a little thin and his fists were clenched at his side. He was staring at the floor but you hurried over to him and cupped his cheeks. “Yugyeom, are you okay? I’ve been so worried about you! How could you not even answer our calls?”

“Sorry,” he mumbled.

“You know you’re not a burden, right? You’ve never been a burden to me,” you blurted out rapidly. You had to blink back your tears.  “You’re my family. How could you be a burden? I love you so much. There’s nobody in the world I care about more and I’m so sorry I wasn’t there for you, noona made a mistake, I’m so sorry.”

Yugyeom didn’t say anything. He merely stood there silently, staring at the floor. Jaebum gave you a soft smile and then squeezed Yugyeom’s shoulder.

“I’m going downstairs so that you both can talk,” he told you.

Jaebum left and to your surprise, Yugyeom quietly entered your room and sat on your bed. His dark eyes looked around at your suitcase and clothes laid out everywhere silently. His hands were clasped in his lap tightly. You didn’t know what to say to him.

“Are you leaving for university?” Yugyeom asked you after a long and painful silence.

You bit your lip and looked down at the suitcase. It was only half-packed. You sat next to Yugyeom and quickly took both of his hands in yours.

“Do you want me to stay?” you demanded. “I can stay. Just say the word and I’ll stay, Yugyeom.”

He shook his head. “No, you should go.”

“O-okay.”

He took a deep breath. “Noona?”

“Yeah?”

Yugyeom turned to look at you and you saw tears in his dark eyes. For a moment, he suddenly looked like your adorable little brother again. There was pain and hurt in his eyes but there was also a tiny bit of hope. Something inside of him had given up.

“Noona, can you take me with you?” he choked out.

Your eyes widened and you nodded instantly. You threw your arms around Yugyeom and hugged him tightly, leaving him breathless. “Of course,” you said without missing a beat. “Of course I’ll take you with me. Let’s all go together. We’ll-we’ll find a better hospital for Mom and you can go to a better school. It might be hard for a while because I have to finish university but we’ll find some way to make money until I get a regular job-”

His arms slowly and carefully wrapped around you. “We can… we can sell this house, right?” he asked timidly.

You paused and then nodded. “Yeah, we can do that.”

“I don’t really care if we sell the house as long as the three of us are together,” he admitted quietly.

You laughed and nodded. Of course. Of course. What did the house matter? What was important that your family was all in one place. You decided that anything would be fine as long as your family was happy. Tears slipped out of your eyes as you fondly stroked Yugyeom’s hair and felt his own racking sobs.

“We’ll be fine,” you promised. And for the first time, you actually believed what you were saying. “We’ll be fine.”

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Epilogue (Five Years Later)

“Noona, she threw up on me again,” Yugyeom complained.

He entered the kitchen holding your crying one-year old daughter at arm’s length while the front of his t-shirt was covered in baby puke. You turned off the stove and groaned. This was the third time this week. You took the crying child from him and gently rocked her in order to console her while you cleaned the puke off her face at the sink.

“I told you not to toss her in the air!” you scolded your brother.

“But she likes it. She always giggles,” Yugyeom defended himself.

“And then she throws up on you and since you are a complete man-child incapable of doing your own laundry, I have to wash both your clothes and hers and whatever else the puke got on. What are you going to do when you have your own children, Yugyeom? Are you going to be this careless?” you scolded him angrily while the baby wailed. You held to your chest and rocked her. “Shhh, it’s okay. It’s okay, sweetie, Uncle Yugyeom is just bad. It’s okay.”

Yugyeom pouted sadly. “I’ll go change.”

You frowned. “Go on, then.”

He was just about to step out of the kitchen when the sound of the front door opening caused him to stop in his tracks. Jaebum entered the kitchen calmly, taking off his jacket while frowning at you all.

“Why is the house always so noisy?” he complained.

You rolled your eyes. “Ask Yugyeom.”

Yugyeom merely pouted and slouched out of the kitchen in order to go and clean himself off. You sighed and glanced at the dinner cooking on the stove before realizing that it was about to overcook. You quickly handed the crying child to your husband. “Can you hold her for a second? Dinner is about to burn.”

Jaebum blinked. “Uh-sure-”

“God, I have to do everything around here.”

“Actually, I have something to tell you. Can we talk for a minute?” Jaebum asked you hopefully. He was looking at you eagerly but you were too busy stirring at the dinner on the stove. You had a lot to do; you had to finish dinner and then take a shower and then free yourself for a conference call in the evening with some work colleagues-

“Can it wait?” you asked. “I’m busy.”

“This is kind of big, actually.”

“I know but I’ve been so overwhelmed all day and now stupid Yugyeom had to go and get puke all over himself again so I’ll have to do a round of laundry before bed.”

“I’ll do the laundry. Just listen.”

You turned around and raised an eyebrow. He was holding your baby in one arm (she had miraculously stopped crying) and the other hand was holding something book-shaped. You squinted at it more closely and realized that it was a music album. You stared at him and your eyes widened.

“Oh my god. It was today? The album release?” you asked in shock. You felt terrible. “Jaebum, I completely forgot-”

Jaebum smiled and opened the album to show you. It had taken a lot of time for people to accept him in the city; his prison record didn’t do him any favours but he hadn’t given up on his dream. One month ago, Jaebum had signed a contract with a large music company who had hired him as a producer for some famous hip-hop artists. He flipped open the track list and right there at the top, with the lyrics and production credited to Lim Jaebum was the song.

Chocolate Eyes.

You beamed at your husband. Jaebum’s own eyes were shining and he chuckled when your daughter squealed in delight and reached for the album with her tiny little fists. He put her down on the floor and gave her the album to sit down and play with before turning to you.

“What do you think?” Jaebum asked you hopefully.

You kissed him softly.

“I think I love you,” you told him with a smile.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[tell-me-when-ur-ready]

This Thing Called Love (part seven)

Summary: When Shawn meets dancer Kellie in Toronto, he falls for her—hard. But Kellie has an invisible disability and thinks it’s impossible that someone could really love her the way she is.

Author’s note: PHEW things are getting good. The usual disclaimer: I have multiple chronic illnesses that are similar to Kellie’s, but not the exact same health conditions she has, so I apologize if I get anything wrong.

Warnings: language? just once lol

Word count: 2k

Kellie and Shawn didn’t talk to each other for two full weeks. It wasn’t for lack of trying on his part; Shawn continued texting her and calling her and trying to connect with her, but Kellie thought it was better to just make a clean break. It would be better in the long run for both of them.

Shawn had gotten Mackenzie’s number at some point during the summer (something Mackenzie had been way too excited about at the time), and he was using it now. Each evening, Mackenzie would show Kellie the latest texts.

Can you tell Kellie to call me?

Has Kellie said anything to you?

Ask Kellie what I did wrong.

“That boy’s in loooooove,” Mackenzie said, delighted, at first. But she got a little more exasperated as the days dragged by and the summer started to wane. “Kellie, this is just cruel,” she finally said. “Why won’t you date him? Because you think he’ll be scared away if he sees your health issues up close?”

Kellie shrugged uncomfortably and looked away.

“You could at least tell him that instead of just leaving him hanging. See what he says,” Mackenzie said, pursing her lips disapprovingly. But Kellie just shrugged again.

Shawn wasn’t the only one who was suffering. Stress affected chronic migraines, making them worse, and Kellie got so sick during those two weeks she almost forgot about Shawn altogether. The second week, she was only able to go to work one day; the other four days, she was at home in the darkness, lying in bed and periodically running to the bathroom to throw up.

 She’d gotten used to texting Shawn when she felt bad. But that wasn’t an option anymore. At least, that’s what Kellie kept telling herself.

 “I can’t do this,” she sobbed on the phone to her mom one Friday night. “I’m going to lose my jobs.”

 “Slow down,” her mom said. Kellie’s family lived an hour away, more north of Atlanta, so Kellie’s mom could no longer help take care of her when she flared up. Mackenzie had brought home groceries that day and Shelby had gotten Kellie’s prescriptions for her, but they were out with friends now. And Kellie didn’t want to burden them any further, anyway. She’d been upfront with them about her health issues when they decided to all move in together, but they weren’t obligated to babysit her.

 “But I am,” Kellie said. She wiped at her eyes. “Going to lose my jobs, I mean. I can’t work, I can’t eat, I can’t do anything.”

 “Is this at all related to Shawn?” her mom asked. “You haven’t mentioned him lately.”

 Kellie sighed. She’d told her mom (who had never heard of Shawn) about the music video, of course, and had vaguely said that she was staying in touch with Shawn and liked him a lot. But that was all her mother knew.

 “I mean, we haven’t talked in a couple of weeks. But it’s not a big deal.” That second part was a lie. “I’m way more worried about how I can pay rent. I can only call out of work sick so many times.” That, unfortunately, was the truth.

 But somehow, she woke up the next morning feeling better. She was able to keep breakfast down; her migraine was almost completely gone. Kellie rested all day Saturday anyway, to get her energy back up, and went into the dance studio Sunday.

 When she got home, exhausted but feeling a little happier after a few hours of teaching a lyrical workshop, she started pulling ingredients for a smoothie out of the cabinets. Someone knocked on the door, and she wiped her hands and went to get it; Mackenzie and Shelby were both at work, and she didn’t think they were expecting anybody.

 The door swung open and Shawn was standing there.

 Kellie’s first thought was that she looked awful, sweaty and tired with her hair in a messy bun (not the cute kind, but the actually-messy kind). Her second thought, which she said out loud, was, “Mackenzie.”

 Shawn shoved his hands in his pockets and smirked a little. “I like Mackenzie,” he said conversationally.

 “Well, she’s not here,” Kellie snapped, moving to shut the door. She didn’t know if she would have actually closed it in his face, but before it was halfway shut, he had reached out to stop her.

 “Can I come in?” he said, his face serious now. Reluctantly, Kellie nodded.

 Thankfully, the apartment was relatively clean at the moment. Their squishy couch was covered in pink pillows and the kitchen island held a stack of books and a pair of pointe shoes; out the window, you could see the hanging plants Shelby had installed on the balcony, green leaves swinging in the breeze.

 “Cute,” Shawn said, looking around. He slung his backpack to the ground and turned and looked at her, leaning against the counter. “Hi,” he said, his eyes going soft.

 “I’m sorry,” Kellie blurted out. But before she could get anything else out, the door opened again and Mackenzie came flying in.

 “Shit, he’s already here? I thought I was going to get home first,” she exclaimed, breathless. “I was going to prepare you—” She looked at Kellie apologetically.

 “I should have known you would do something like this,” Kellie said with a heavy sigh, glaring at her. Secretly, something inside her had lit up at the sight of Shawn’s face—but she didn’t really want him here, because now she had to face the reality of all her complicated, messy emotions and the things those emotions had made her do.

 “Sorry,” Mackenzie said, not sounding sorry at all. She held up her hand for Shawn to give her a high five.

 “Nice to finally meet you,” he said, sounding amused.

 “Go fix all of your problems,” Mackenzie said. She waved her hands at them in a shoo-ing motion.

 Kellie frowned at her. “Life is not a rom-com. It’s not always that easy.”

 Mackenzie shrugged, patted Shawn on the back, and disappeared into her bedroom with one last bright smile over her shoulder.

 There was a moment of awkward silence. Then Shawn said, “Are you feeling okay today? Do you wanna—go somewhere and talk?”

 “Yeah,” Kellie said shyly, figuring there was no way around it now. “I guess so.”

 She slid her feet into flip-flops and they went down to the parking lot of her apartment complex. On the sidewalk, Shawn rubbed a hand across the back of his neck and said, “Uh, so I might not have totally thought this through. I caught an Uber from the airport and they didn’t stay. Do you… feel well enough to drive?”

 She did giggle then, a real one, and Shawn smiled, obviously encouraged.

 “I guess so,” she said, and she was fishing out her keys when Shawn stopped her with a hand on her arm.

 “Really?” he asked seriously. “Because I don’t want you to feel like you have to say that. And I have a little self-interest here, too, since I’ll be in the car…”

 It was so different from what others said. If Kellie was starting a migraine or getting over one, she didn’t feel as if she could drive safely because of the pain and disorientation the migraines caused. Her friends didn’t always understand that. With Shawn, though, it was like he truly understood what her disability and her life were like—or at least, he was really trying. For the first time, Kellie felt like this might actually work.

 “Yeah,” she said softly, and nodded.

 She drove them to a park ten minutes away, trying not to be embarrassed about her dirty old Toyota, most of the drive spent in silence except for a few questions from Shawn about places they were passing. When they got to the park, they sat down on a picnic bench overlooking the baseball fields where teams were beginning to warm up for a late afternoon game; Shawn sat on the opposite side of the bench from Kellie and twisted the rings on his fingers.

 “So,” he said after a moment. “I want you to talk to me. Really talk to me. Mackenzie told me—some—”

 “Probably too much,” Kellie said with a rueful smile. Her voice sounded hoarse and strange and she cleared her throat. Her stomach was feeling fluttery, but for once that had nothing to do with Celiac.

 “But I want to hear it from you,” he finished. He stopped fidgeting and set his hands flat on the table, looking straight at her. His gaze was a little frantic and a little wistful, but there was a certain steadiness to it, too. “Please.”

 Above them, the wind blew through the leaves; from down the hill came faint yelling and the clang of a baseball hitting a composite bat.

 “Okay,” Kellie said slowly. She licked her lips and looked down at the rough wooden table, then looked back up, latching onto the steadiness in his eyes. “I just—okay. It’s not that I don’t want to see you. I do want to; I want to so badly. But I feel like I can’t. Because…”

 And she went on, describing how she felt as if it was unfair to the other person to try to be in a relationship, because she was constantly canceling plans and resting in bed and too busy caring for herself to think about anybody else. She talked about how she was scared to be with somebody because she thought, even if they said they didn’t care, they would see the real her—Celiac and chronic migraines included—when they started dating, realize everything that entailed, and wouldn’t stay. She explained how her life was unpredictable and how sometimes her physical problems affected her mental health and how she was so used to being alone in her pain she just didn’t know what it would look like to have someone by her side.

 When she finished, Shawn was silent for a moment. Kellie swallowed and wished she’d brought along a bottle of water for her dry throat.

 “You know the thing you left out in all that?” Shawn said softly. Kellie shook her head.

 “I love you,” Shawn said frankly. Kellie stared at him, mute, feeling her eyebrows draw together in something like shock or maybe disbelief.

 “Or, I think I would,” he added, “if I had the chance. And I think love makes all that other stuff not matter. I think, I mean I know, you can’t help that you have health problems, and I think everyone is afraid for someone to see the real them. But I think the real you is what someone should want in a real relationship. And I think… I mean, I know… if you give me a chance, I won’t leave. I’ll stay.”

 Kellie felt tears prick at the back of her eyes and turned away slightly, bringing a hand to her face.

 “Are you upset?” Shawn asked, his voice full of concern. An entire baseball team was walking by them, metal cleats crunching on the sidewalk, but Shawn never took his eyes off of her.

 “No,” she choked out. “I’m happy. I—no one’s ever said anything like that to me before. But I’m still scared.”

 He reached out and gently pried her hand away from her face, taking it in his own.

 “Do you think I’m not scared?” he said, laughing a little, almost incredulous. “Kell, I’m scared too. I’m scared for you to discover the real me. I’m scared my anxiety will get bad again and I’ll shut everyone out. I’m scared of what it might be like to have a relationship that’s inevitably going to be very public. I’m scared because you’re really pretty and I don’t want to say something stupid and sound dumb.”

 Kellie laughed through the tears that were now dropping on her face. She brought her other hand up to wipe them away and cover her eyes, but he captured that one too, not letting her hide.

 “But I think,” he said, low, “we can’t let fear dictate our lives.”

 There was a long moment of silence while all the things they’d said hung in the air.

 “Okay,” Kellie whispered finally, and Shawn looked at her steadily.

 “Okay?” he repeated, and she nodded. He smiled. And then she asked, “Do you have a tissue?”

Taglist: @rosiemercy@ @learning-howto-be-myselfx3 @evibesss @tnhmblive (let me know if you want to be added/removed)

[fallingin-like]

november 21

push to talk by @alexjosten​ [requested by @nikothespoonklepto]

see which other fics i’m reviewing this month! / my review request post!

this is a delightfully engaging fic based on the game firewatch that follows neil as he spends a summer as a fire lookout, isolated except for radio communication with andrew, a fire lookout in the adjacent sector of the park. this is such an intense, fun, beautiful, and humorous fic.

i remember enjoying this so much as it came out, eagerly awaiting each new chapter. you drew me in so easily and deeply that i watched a whole playthrough of this game. i can fully appreciate how well you were able to translate the plot, gameplay, interactions between characters, and the stunning visuals so so seamlessly and have it aftg so well.

some parts that stood out to me:

”dusk settles on the trees like clay powder, dusting the evergreens with a red tint” woah this is such a gorgeous way of starting off this fic.

”the moon extends her helping hand to guide him out into a clearing. here, neil can see. but also, he can be seen” i love these descriptions, and our introduction to neil. 

”he ignores his sleeping bag and the strict instructions to camp at nightfall and continue during the day” ah yes, Neil I Do What I Want Josten strikes again, with little regard for what people tell him to do

”if he’s not careful, the black dirt beneath his feet could bleed crimson. the exact combination of colours he came out here to avoid” this is stunning. i am immediately drawn into this fic, wanting to know what or who exactly neil is running from, and where he’s going

”buttermilk rays whisk the shadows of leaves into a dance on the forest floor beneath his feet” !! buttermilk?? somehow that works so so well

”the irony of calling it that in his head isn’t lost on him, and he vows to avoid that comparison again” what a subtle detail, but so telling! i am pretty bad with reading tags a lot of the time, so this was a great introduction to raven!neil

”it’s as exposing as it is freeing. he can’t feel trapped when he can see for miles every way he turns” wow it’s still so early in the fic, but you’ve already done an exceptional job at justifying neil choosing to come here, to escape.

foxtrot tower is such a cute name! i love that it’s not something directly taken from the books, this name seems to fit this au so well. i know that you likely had the game as reference for the tower, but i really liked the way you describe it, you were able to establish the same tone that exists in the game, but you did it through words instead of visuals and audio, something that really impresses me

”glad to hear you’re literate enough to have read the dossier” ohmygoodness ANDREW

”andrew’s tone is playful. neil thinks it might even be flirtatious, but he doesn’t care enough right now to find out” as much as i enjoy oblivious!neil, i appreciate that this version of neil is more aware, he seems more in tune with things around him. it fits better with this story, with the isolation and only communication being through the radio

”the sky slips into a more comfortable pink, the sun laying down to rest amongst the mountains” am i ever going to get over your descriptions of the environment? i don’t think so

of course neil goes for a run, basically right after doing a super intense two day hike in one day

”andrew sounds agitated” I LOVE THIS

oh dang, neil’s panic is so sudden, i’m so immersed that i immediately felt nervous too

”it’s our job to watch the horizon, neil. it’s not my fault you’re on mine” oh this is so good

”neil doesn’t believe in coincidences. he believes in traps and ill intentions, because that’s all his life has been until now”  it’s honestly amazing how quickly the atmosphere of this fic has turned to something a little bit darker, kind of scary. we know neil as a runner, but the idea of someone finding him so soon and trying to lure him out? gives me chills

“he doesn’t realise his hands are shaking until he struggles to press the push-to-talk button” PUSH TO TALK I AM SO FOND OF FICS THAT INCLUDE THE TITLE OF THE FIC IN THEIR FIC. also shaky hands are my kryptonite

”he also takes the cleaver from the kitchen counter” NEIL I- I AM SPEECHLESS

”a small sensible part of his brain tries to convince him that there are much easier ways to kill him than leading him out in the middle of nowhere, in a forest that he told nobody from his past life that he would be living in, where he uses a new name that nobody knows” !! good to hear that neil has a sensible part of his brain LOL

”but underestimating his enemies and their taste for dramatics would be a mistake” neil of all people does have a good reason for being paranoid. i love that you have this separated as a different paragraph, i read it differently because of it and i think that it adds more gravity to the sentence

”there, he finds a lipstick-red tent, zipper teeth yawning open to reveal two pink sleeping bag tongues” the imagery!!! incredible

”he feels like a walking timebomb” yeah i am definitely nervous for neil

”’girls don’t do it for you?’ andrew’s curiosity has a hopeful slant” OHMYGOODNESS ANDREW

”andrew’s voice is a firm, solid reassurance” bless andrew

”neil never thought he’d be relieved to meet someone who didn’t like exy” i also never thought that. neil you are a changed man

ooh the backstory to the fireworks is so good! i was also thinking it was a little out of character, but this is the perfect reason that renee would let it slide!

”the stars are withering in the purpling sky” i could cry because i love your writing so much

A MAN I AM FREAKING OUT. WHO IS HE

the easygoing banter between andrew and neil is so great, their conversation is interesting and flows really well

”he’s almost home” it amazes me and really shows something about this version of neil that he’s so quick to call this tower his home

”i know i needed to do this, but i am not sure i am ready to be so alone” woah break my heart why don’t you? this hits really close to home,, how dare you make me feel emotions

”i usually take a more straightforward approach” andrew never lies, but this is the truest thing he has ever said

”they’ll probably never meet, because neil intends on spending the rest of his summer without meeting another soul, andrew included” hmmm why do i have the sneaking suspicion that this will not be the case?

”neil’s not sure what grindr is but his face heats up all the same” this sentence is a MOOD (except i do know what grindr is)

”andrew’s response is sharp like a blade. ‘why? because one of the girls called you scarface?’ neil feels himself flinch” hhh i am secretly a very big fan of scenes that include neil’s scars, so you got me here

”andrew keeps neil company on the hour hike up to the north of his sector, but his usual commentary seems a bit strained today” uhH what’s going on, i’m getting scared

DID ANDREW BRING NEIL OVER JUST SO HE CAN SEE WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE? 

ohmygoodness, neil leaving andrew pictures and a sweatshirt? so so so cute

”he imagines the fear they felt when they saw him holding it wasn’t too unlike the fear that used to paralyse him when his father, or lola, would threaten him back home” woah this is good

i would bet that allison was the one to write that letter haha i can imagine that renee is likely kind of shaken by the incident, otherwise she might not have let allison leave it behind

andrew is such a good companion for neil, calming him both by his presence and by logically explaining what could have happened to the tent. he’s an anchor

”he feels like the cleaver he had attempted to defend himself with on his first day now carries a foreboding aura” YEAH I’M GETTING PRETTY NERVOUS TOO

WAIT NATHAN IS DEAD? THANK GOODNESS

woah so interesting to learn about neil’s backstory and his reason for not going pro “his offers to join pro teams curled up like dead leaves in a fire” dang, referencing both his burns and his new job? so good

ANDREW MINYARD IMITATING A VALLEY GIRL I NEED THIS IN MY LIFE PLEASE

oo that subtle way of mentioning andrew’s memory

i am so emotional, andrew is just so so good. makes me feel all the feelings ;-;

”andrew sounds like a bristled up cat tail” CUTE!!

i am dying to know what is going on in andrew’s head, during this conversation, when he left his tower to see neil, and really, just throughout this whole fic

woah i really like the way that you had neil describe his asexuality. it’s something that i recognize in myself and i like the way that you handled it.

 >:C 

them drawing each other?? peak cute. i want that to happen to me (have someone who doesn’t know what i look like try and draw me)

”neil waits for him to say more. he doesn’t. oh. that’s why. ‘heh’” LOLOL

you know what, i actually,,, only recognized the name draco malfoy LOL

ANDREW PRETENDING THAT HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY KNOW AARON OH MY GOODNESS. I CANNOT BELIEVE HE PRETENDED TO GET HIS NAME WRONG. “i look like him. but hotter and better dressed” ANDREW HOW GOOD TO YOU DRESS YOU LIVE IN THE MIDDLE OF A FOREST. this whole section is hilarious and really helps lighten the tone and keep things playful

”’why would i wear that?’ andrew’s response is too quick and defensive” *unintelligible screaming*

ANDREW DRAWING NEIL IN TINY RUNNING SHORTS. THIS! MAN! I CAN’T HANDLE HIM

”neil gets into the routine of falling asleep next to his radio, talking to andrew deep into the night, far past his ability to keep his eyes open. they take turns drifting off mid conversation…” this is the softest thing ever

”considering neil’s job is to prevent forest fires, there’s a certain irony in how beautiful the park is when painted the colours of flames” oh (like a good oh)

ANDREW REJECTING NEIL REALLY JUST BROKE MY HEART WHY DID YOU DO THAT TO ME

”his heart tumbles from his chest and falls to the bottom of the ravine. he doesn’t understand why it was so close to the railings of his ribcage in the first place” this is so so beautiful even though it’s describing something so sad. makes me feel achy

drunk andrew. how is it that you, alexjosten, seem to know everything that i love in a fic?

”neil’s cabin floods with light. how real is neil josten without nathaniel wesninski filling his shell? with a snap, it’s gone.” uh this is so incredible, i love how you split everything up into its own paragraph, their conversation so similar to the storm. ugh i can’t get enough

”still, neil feels the change: the undeniable part of him where his branches have been torn asunder and his bark has been scorched away to expose his core” every time i think that this sentence is the best, and every time you blow me away again. i can’t describe how this sentence makes me feel

the scene of neil rescuing allison and renee fills me with adrenaline, it’s so intense

having the girls recognize neil was like being trapped in a nightmare, there was nothing i could do but read on and see how it ends. dajsflks. but also i really hope that neil got back his jacket and sweater lol

WHAT IN THE WORLD NEIL HAVING TO PLAY A GAME ON CODEINE, RIKO TRYING TO KILL NEIL ON TV, THIS IS SO INTENSE. also, i love what you’ve done with this

dang, how does andrew know kevin?

andrew’s gifts for neil are so cute. i am here just freaking out!!!!

A PUFFBALL DANDELION 

“you sweet, sheltered city child” oh my goodness adorable

”you’re going to go nuts when i tell you what a caterpillar turns into” ANDREW

THE BEAR. THE JUMP

honestly, i’m a little surprised that neil wasn’t supplied with bear spray

”’andrew, i don’t think they’re coming for me.’ ‘of course they’re not.’ neil’s heart sinks. ‘they’re not?’ ‘i am’” KFAJSDFJPOJAFD THIS GLORIOUS INTERACTION WILL FOREVER BE WITH ME

THEM TRAVELLING AND EVERYTHING WITHOUT EVEN KNOWING WHAT THEY LOOK LIKE BECAUSE OF THE DARK. ALSO ANDREW BEING SUPER BUFF AND PICKING NEIL UP NO BIG DEAL

”we had your face on a dart board in the break room” AHHHH

”the only consolation is it smells of the andrew who just walked two hours to rescue him from the side of a cliff, and then spent another two hours carrying him here” i don’t even know what to say

wait andrew knew who neil was the whole time oh my goodness

THE GAME IS ANIMAL CROSSING. this is now and forevermore considered canon! 

ANDREW DROPPING THE GAME HE’S SO TIRED. ANDREW MY BABY

ANDREW’S DRAWING OF NEIL

”half of andrew’s sandwich is in his mouth, and he kind of looks like a hamster” adorable!

okay okay jean and jeremy being the two trading letters? so so good.

THE ENDING WITH ANDREW TELLING STORIES ABOUT NEIL BEING DEAD

the last chapter was amazing, i loved the way that you wrote the interactions between andrew and neil, they fit so well together. i also appreciate that you deviated from the game and had them meet! it is infinitely more satisfying. this was such an easy fic to read, everything felt right. i love your characterization of both of them. to have andrew treat neil the way that he did, knowing who neil was? amazing

also, can i just say that the moodboards that you include at the beginning of each chapter are amazing? they really helped with establishing the tone of the fic.

this fic is so intense, i was constantly amazed by how i was so fully immersed in it. everything that neil felt, i felt. your descriptions were gorgeous and i could not get enough of them. there were so many small details, sentences that were pure gems, that rereading this was just as, if not more, enjoyable than the first time. i really cannot put to words how much i loved reading this. thank you so so much for writing it!

[transmedicalism-for-beginne-blog]

Transmedicism Rant:

Diagnostic & Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders- Fifth Addition, or the DSM-5 States that "GENDER is used to denote the public (and usually legally recognized) lived role as a boy or girl, man or woman, but, in contrast to certain social contructionist theories biological factors are seen as contributing, in interaction with social & psychological factors, to gender development."

--

Couple things to note here.

1) Biology influences Gender.

2) Look at that nice little fuck you to the social sciences in their sentence.

3) "boy or girl" "man or woman" There's only two genders, who would have guessed.

"But wait, what about "Gender Identity" ?"

Well the DSM-5 states; "GENDER IDENTITY is a category of social identity & refers to an individual's identification as male, female, or some other category other than male or female."

There you go Tucutes a nice label for y'all to use. "Gender Identity is a Social construct while Gender is a mix." (Sarcasm)

So, why the fuck is this important?

This distinction is a real issue Now because, Tucutes & MOGAI are trying to pressure the American Psychiatric Association, or the APA to remove the Mental Illness label from Gender Dysphoria, and this isn't because the condition doesn't fit the definition of mental illness it's because, of Tucutes/MOGAI putting their feelings before facts. Just in case anyone is confused. Mental Illness =/= (Doesn't mean/equal) it's made up, or pyschological. People suffer from cronic depression because, of a chemical imbalance in their brain, So despite the counter intuitive name, it doesn't mean it’s made up.

So, the problem is by attempting to cement this idea that Gender is entirely social into the minds of the masses, they're implying that anything under the label Transgender, Is Social. Except it's NOT.

Gender Dysphoria is Biological.

Transgender doesn't only mean "people that want to transition" i.e. ftm men & mtf women. Transgender is an incredibly broad label, that everyone has a somewhat different definition for.

The APA, the people who write the DSM & all of its additions, State;

"TRANSGENDER - the broad spectrum of individuals who transiently or permanetly identify with a gender different from their natal gender."

So that includes people:

- With Gender Dysphoria

- Who are Gender Non-Conforming

- Who are "Genderq^eer"

- and all that other bs ( the MOGAI "genders")

AND THAT'S THE PROBLEM.

We have evidence that Gender Dysphoria is a biological & neurological condition, but

we don't yet have evidence that any of the MOGAI "genders" has any sort of biological basis.

In fact the Tucute/MOGAI community completely miss that point completely by CREATING their own distinction between Sex & Gender. So, that they don't n e e d a biological basis.

My purpose in saying all this is that Gender Dysphoria should NOT be in the same category as MOGAI “genders” Gender Dysphoria has biological evidence. MOGAI “genders” do not. Gender Dysphoria is a mental disorder. MOGAI "genders" are not. Not a medical mental disorder at least. (lol.)

Having a biological & medical disorder lumped in with all that other stuff is creating too much fucking confusion.

And, Yes I said disorder. Because, if you were born with a condition, that you have no control over, that makes you 'feel like you were born in the wrong body, or the wrong sex/gender' & this feeling is so debilitating it causes you untold ammounts of stress, discomfort, and most the time depression, that's a disorder. Mechanically that's obviously not supposed to be the way the brain works, because if it was, humans would've never made it past prehistoric times.

"But, Alec, why is it so important that it retains the Mental Illness label? That just makes people feel bad?!?"

It's important because it changes how the Medical Community treats the issue. As Blarie White once said, " Why can't we do both, though. That's like saying, that um, you can simultaneously fight for people to be kind to Autistic people and also look for a cure. How about we do both. That'd be great. Because, actually insisting on this accepting people, and to just don't worry about it because, “everything's normal, everything's fine”; It actually leads to political correctness, which leads to no research being put into a cure. Which exacerbates all the suffering." (Her response to, "We can't support trans people and a cure at the same time.)

I don't agree that just because we don't currently have such a miracle pill, or maybe even something close to that, that doesn't mean we as a society should deny the Medical Reality and not continue research in that area. You're arguing Secondary reasons when agreeing with this, Not Primary reasons. You're arguing against the Medical illness label not necessarily because, on its face it shouldn't be labled as such but, because of a precieved secondary effect of; Some people can justify being biggoted or can make individuals feel real bad. Which I understand, I get the dog whistle concern here. However, that's not going to help medical treatment in the long run.

"But, Alec. There's people who want to transition but, don't have dysphoria!@?!!"

AND THAT IS WHY IT'S SO IMPORTANT TO SEPARATE GENDER DYSPHORIA FROM MOGAI "GENDERS"

Because, all the research on Transsexuals, (and for the record I'm going to start using the term Transsexual to refer to individuals who were born with Gender Dysphoria (a biolgical condition.) to distant it from the MOGAI "genders". ) All the research we have are of people with Gender Dysphoria, Because the idea that there are even people who believe they were born the wrong sex/gender BUT, don't have dysphoria is relatively NEW.

So, it hasn't been studied. We don't even know if it's a biological condition or a pyschological one.

Unfortunately, We don't yet have a biolgical/medical test to determine whether someone has gender dysphoria. We don't yet have a biological way of measuring what someones innate Gender or “Gender Identity” is, or what ever the fuck MOGAI & Tucutes are calling it.

We do have evidence that it is indeed innate BUT, not a clear "let's scan your Brain to see if you have Gender Dysphoria. That is, Biological Gender Dysphoria. NOT a pyschological issue that makes you think you're transgender.

Another reason why the distiction needs to be made so clear.

People who have purely pyschological reasons for wanting to be the opposite gender ( or MOGAI "genders") should NOT being using biological hormones & physical surgery. Those options should only be for people that have a biological & neurological condition. People who use feelings towards their gender do not have the ability to be transient ( to change )

"But, Alec. It sounds like you're talking about Trans-Regret. That's a tiny number of cases and a dog whistle for Transphobia!!?"

SHUT YOUR FUC--

Supposedly Trans-Regret is not common. I say supposedly because, I haven't done research into that yet. Cause' it's not a direct correlation to what I am talking about now. Regret could be very low now but, as Blaire White once said, " This is a very new phenomenon. There are no long term studies that show a person 30/40 years old, that had transitioned at 12/13 & how their life ended up. It's just never happened, it's all still very new."

Because, until recently the stigma against transsexual people was so high that it would be very uncommon for someone who only has a pyschological complex to go through the transitioning process.

However, Because we are living in F U T U R E W O R L D O F 2019 society has become far more accepting of Transsexual people. Which is good and the way it should be, BUT it does also mean that it would be more likely for people who are only psychologically "trans" or Gender Non-Conforming, to be confused with people who have a biological & neurological condition.

The DSM and all it's addtions are supposed to be a guide book to help doctors make a distinction between someone who actually has gender dysphoria someone who does not. Biological VS Physiological.

" But, Alec. I just read the DSM's criteria of Gender Dysphoria, and there is nothing specifically in it about making this distinction between biological VS pyschological???"

Yes, and that's because psychiatry (APA) looks at stuff through primarily a biological lens. So, they are operating under assumption of if you don't have a biological reason for something, then you don't have it. Combine that with the fact that this current societal focus on understanding Transgender issues, is NEW, and the DSM-5 was written before that & this creates a problem. Since we don't yet know how to create a definitive biological test, We can only rely on Self-Reporting & Observable behaviors. Which is why it is so problematic. Doctors have to somehow navigate this complicated maze to figure out whether someone actually has gender dysphoria or is just Gender Non-Conforming, or going through a phase/MOGAI "genders". This is why Transsexual people feel like they have to go through so many hoops, and all this MOGAI stuff is only making the issue more confusing for everyone. Which means, you're making it harder for doctors to figure this shit out. Which means, more hoops.

Now let me make myself clear I'm not blaming the Trans movement or even suggesting that it must go away because "tHeY're cOnfUsIng tHe cHilDRen!1!!"

There's no hidden dog whilstle in what I am saying, I am only stating what is the reality of the situation and Unfortunately because our society, until recently, has been very biggoted for years aginast certain individuals that don't fit into specific gender roles, the Tucute Trans community is incredibly sensitive to anything that can even remotely be perceived as an attack. Which I understand. However, the problem is when ever people go under intensive physical treatment for a condition, it’s the Medical community and even society's duty to make sure that an individual really requires that treatment because, having medical treatments that are either 'over prescribed', or turned out horrible have littered our history from blood letting, to shock treatment, to even staring at the sun for health reasons, & we can't forget about lobotomy. Even now, there are concerns of kids being over prescribed Adderall & Riddilen*, Which is basically speed. Not to mention all the people with pain killer addictions. Being prescribed things you don't need can lead to messing with how your body and brain functions. That's why its important, although difficult, to put our emotions aside when dealing with these medical issues to avoid the Medical pitfalls that we humans have fallen into time, & time again.

Or just take everything I just said as merely "a dog whilstle" for Transphobia because I'm actually "a hateful biggot."

"Even if you're not a Transphobe Alec, you keep making this distinction between biological and pyschological, Assuming doctors can even untangle these 'interlinked concepts'. Why should a person, who only has gender dysphoria psychologically not be allowed to Transition????"

Because, If your 'gender dysphoria' is purely pyschological, that means that “Gender Dysphoria” you’re experiencing is a SYMPTOM of another problem. It's not the problem itself. Allow me to give you a very over simplified example.

Lets look at Game of Thrones, Cersei Lannister, on several occasions has stated that she wishes she was born a male. Lets say there was some magic potion in G.O.T. that she could take to change her sex. You better believe she would drink it but, reason for this is not because, she has Gender Dysphoria. Its not because, she has some innate feeling of being born in the wrong body/gender/sex. The reason is because she exist in a world where her biological sex/gender limits her ability to get power. Which is her primary goal. So, her complex for not being a male is secondary, it's a means to an end. The doctors evaluating whether or not someone has gender dysphoria needs to concentrate on making sure the underlying problem is that the person feels that they are born the wrong gender because, they simply are. Something biologically innate. Not that they were born the wrong gender, because they develop a negative pyschological complex about what means to be their birth gender, or a negitive pyschological complex about a specific body part that just so happens to be a body part realted to biological sex because, an issue like that is transient and can be revolved through other means.

"Fuck you Alec, that Game of Thrones expamle was shit. It's far more complicated!!1!"

Yes, real life is more complicated.

So let me give you a more grounded example. While simultaneously criticizing the DSM & all of its additions. So far I have been seemingly deflating the DSM which maybe makes you believe that I think the DSM is some h o l y b o o k. The literal word from g o d. I don't and it's not. It has some very serious flaws in my opinion. One of those flaws is in the creitiera of gender dysphoria. Right now, and adolescent female could be going through puberty; the time her chest starts growing, & if you happen to be this female or simply talk to someone about their experience you will find that many of those individuals actually had a quite negative experience with it when they were adolescent.

One such story that has always stood out to me is when a friend told me about how she developed breasts when she was 13, and how incredibly disturbing and some times scary for her it was to see grown men lusting sexually after her even though she was only 13. At least to me, it doesn't seem that out of the ordinary that someone in that position could develop a pyschological complex about their breasts.

In today's confusing world they could incorrectly assume that complex is meaning you have some Gender related issue, possibly even gender dysphoria, & under the current DSM-5 criteria, someone in that position could be incorrectly diagnosed as someone having gender dysphoria.

In fact, I once read an article titled, "My daughter isn't Transgender, She's a TomBoy."

The article describes how because, of all this confusion, This young 7 year old girl who is Gender Non-Conforming keeps being asked by teachers, her pediatrician, and even random adults who have known her for years, if she's sure she's not a boy. Now, this girl has a strong sense of self so she's able to say, " No, I not a boy. I'm just a girl who likes things that are typically male." This is a happening because, of this confusion of Gender Dysphoria being compared to Gender Non-Conforming people &/or MOGAI "genders" and that’s because, we don't have this clear distinction between Transsexual and Gender Non-Conforming people &/or MOGAI "genders". My fear is that not only are we confusing the fuck out of adults with the incorrect conflation of these terms but also, confusing kids who may be simply gender non-conforming making them think they are Transsexual.

And as a last note; Perhaps it's unfair for me to point this out but, I do find it somewhat ironic that the Tucute Trans community is fighting against the idea that the strict binary view of male and female gender by advocating a strict binary view of Sex & Gender.

End Rant.

Problems with the DSM-V:

1) The DSM-V is heavily criticized by the medical community for not using any scientific evidence to back up many of the things it says. It’s also just heavily criticized in general. This alone makes it an unreliable source as there isn’t any scientific evidence suggesting you don’t need gender dysphoria to be trans ergo the statement “ you don’t need Dysphoria” means nothing.

2) Psychology uses “transgender” as an umbrella term and has for a very, very long time. It includes trans people, transvestites, crossdressers, and other GNC people. Just because usage outside of the psychology field has shifted “transgender” to more mean “trans people” doesn’t mean that the psychology field has. This means that they’re likely speaking about their own term for what transgender is and seeing as how there’s no differentiation clarifying this, it’s ignorant to assume they’ve suddenly changed the meaning of one of their terms without stating as such.

3) Potentially most importantly, transgender/trans falls under the field of neurology/biology, not psychology. This means that while mental health professionals can certainly help us, it doesn’t mean they have all the answers and it doesn’t mean that their word is more important than that of the harder sciences involved.

Please share to spread awareness. I hope this helps someone.

[hannahindie]

True American

Overview: Sam and Reader are left alone while Dean runs errands. Dean comes back to chaos.

Pairings: Sam x Reader, (friendship) Dean x Reader, Surprise Cas

Warnings: Mention of alcohol use and that’s it really. There’s some fluff.

Word Count: 3,088

A/N: So I had an idea for some fluff, and since I don’t write actual happy things very often, I thought  I’d give it a go. Also, I wrote this specifically with @trexrambling in mind because I often break her with my sad series posts. LOL She helped me beta the first part, and the only reason the rest came out as well is because she’s a great inspiration.

I’ve included a hyperlink for those that don’t know what True American is. Just click on WikiHow in the story. :)

You weren’t sure how it happened. One minute, you and Sam were researching in the library while Dean ran errands, and the next minute you were jumping from chairs, to pillows, to tables while trying to avoid the lava on the floor, shouting nonsense, and shot gunning beer. If you took the time to think about it, you could probably pinpoint the exact moment that things got slightly out of hand.

You had been sitting across from Sam, bored out of your mind and trying to read the book he had insisted you look at, when you snuck your phone and earbuds out of your pocket. You cast a sly glance at Sam, then slipped the earbuds in, and propped the phone behind the stack of books that sat neatly in between the two of you. After a moment of browsing, you selected one of your favorite shows, making sure to turn pages on occasion as to not arouse suspicion. (You were nothing if not theatrical) You managed to get three episodes in before you gave yourself away by snorting at a particularly funny line, and Sam had glanced up sharply.

“What was that?” he asked, brow raised.

You smiled innocently. “What was what? I didn’t hear anything.”

“Y/N…” Sam reached over and gently plucked the earbuds out. You had forgotten your hair was pulled back and that your long hair wasn’t camouflaging them like you thought. So much for being sneaky.

You grimaced. “Balls.”

Sam looked at you disapprovingly. “We’re supposed to be researching, you have to take that seriously.”

You rolled your eyes. “Come on. It’s Friday night, Sam. We don’t even have a case.” You pouted, hoping that it would convince the younger Winchester into giving in. He slowly closed his book, looked at you for a moment, then reached around and snatched your phone.

“New Girl? That’s a pretty good show. What else do you like to watch?”

 And that…well, that was where the night took a turn. After discovering that Sam liked watching the show almost as much as you did (you were almost positive it was because he thought Jess was hot, although he vehemently denied it) the two of you had abandoned the books for a couple of beers and were sitting on the couch talking about New Girl and all the other things Sam liked to watch that you didn’t know about. Somehow one beer turned into two, and then two turned into three. And right about then was when you had a brilliant idea.

“Sam! Let’s play True American!”

He looked at you, confused. “Huh? It’s not even a real game, and they don’t even give us all the rules. And,” he gestured around the room, “there’s only two of us.” You stood up, suddenly very determined, and put your hands on your hips.

“Sam Winchester, are you saying that you don’t want to play True American with me? Is big, bad Sammy Winchester scared of losing?” You took off running to the kitchen, and you could hear his heavy footsteps following quickly behind. He found you digging through the fridge to see how much beer you had.

“We don’t even know the rules!” You started stacking cans on the counter, and once the fridge was empty, you began searching for the liquor.

“Oh, I forgot! This bunker is ill-equipped and we don’t have the internet.” You slapped a hand against your forehead and sighed dramatically. “Whatever shall we do?” You threw a glance at him and laughed when you saw a bitch face that rivaled the ones normally reserved for Dean. “Oh, c’mon Sam!” He glared at you a moment longer, then pulled out his phone. He looked surprised when he found a WikiHow page dedicated to playing True American, complete with illustrations.

“Well, it looks like you got the beer covered,” he looked up when you cleared your throat and saw you holding a bottle of Makers Mark, “and the liquor. So now we need to set up the castle, I guess?”

You grinned. “Great! Help me carry all these cans into the living room!”

The two of you made quick work of pulling the coffee table to the center of the room, and then rearranging all the furniture and pillows in their respective zones. When you noticed you didn’t have enough spaces, you split up to search the bunker for more things to safely stand on, and by the time you got everything you needed, the living room was a perfect True American arena. You stood back and grinned at your handiwork, hands resting on your hips.

“Look at that! That is a show worthy playing field, Winchester!”

Sam laughed, “Yea, it is.” He looked proudly at the table in the center, “Probably the best True American castle ever built.”

You snorted, “You bet it is, champ.” You fanned yourself, already hot from the combination of dragging furniture all over and the alcohol you had already consumed. “I’m going to change clothes, these are too hot. And if I’m going to kick your ass, I need to be comfortable.”

Sam laughed, “Kick my ass? I think not, Y/L/N. Meet you back here in five.”

Five minutes later, you and Sam were staring at each other from across the ‘castle’. Both of you had changed into shorts and a t shirt, and you had to stifle a laugh when you noticed Sam had pulled his hair back into a man bun. He noticed you giggling and shot a glare in your direction.

“Laugh all you want, Y/N. We’ll see who’s laughing after I kick your ass.” You crossed your arms.

“You talk big, Winchester, but the bigger you are, the harder you fall.” He rolled his eyes.

“That…that didn’t even make sense. Come on, let’s go. Rock, paper, scissors for who starts.” You smiled inwardly. If you knew anything about the brothers, it was that Dean always threw scissors when playing rock, paper, scissors, and because of that Sam always threw rock.

“Fine. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot!” You threw paper, and Sam groaned.

You smiled, “Always with the rock, Sammy boy. Alrighty then…here we go. 1, 2, 3 JFK!!” you shouted, shortly followed by Sam bellowing.

“FDR!” Both of you lunged for a beer and immediately you jumped up onto the couch. Sam ended up on a chair in the opposite corner.

“And some things that should not have been forgotten were lost. History became legend-“

“Legend became myth. And for two and a half thousand years, the ring passed out of all knowledge!” Sam shouted gleefully. He hopped from the chair to a pillow on the floor, then nimbly jumped over to an ottoman. He took a swig from his beer and winked at you.

You sighed, “Dammit.”

The game continued, the two of you moving back and forth, yelling movie and television quotes, occasionally throwing out the random obscenity as your footing became a little less stable or because one of you stole the place the other was planning on moving to. Just as Sam was about jump from the couch to the center of one of the zones to grab another beer, the door to the bunker flew open and Dean stomped in, shaking rain out of his hair. Distracted, Sam lost his balance and landed on the bare floor.  You screamed in victory.

“LAVA. YOU ARE IN THE LAVA. I WIN!” Sam jumped up and grabbed a fresh beer off the table.

“NOPE. You don’t win that easily, not today!” He shot gunned it, and beer sprayed all over him and the floor. He slammed it on the coffee table and crushed the aluminum can in one shot. “HA! Now tell me where to go.”

You glared at him, “Oh, I’ll tell you where to go…” Your threat was interrupted by Dean as he slowly walked the rest of the way into the living room and stared slack jawed at the mess he’d come home to.

“What…? I just cleaned in here, dammit! Did you go in my room for anything?” You threw your arms wide to welcome him home, and nearly fell off the end table you were standing on.

“Deano! Absolutely not! I would never go in your room-“ Dean held his hand up to stop you.

“That is my shirt, Y/N.”

You glanced down and snickered, “I did go in your room. That doesn’t matter! Old stories are like old friends, she used to say-“

“What the hell, Y/N?” he interrupted, frowning slightly. You grinned impishly at him.

“Wrong!” you shouted as you threw a beer at him, “now chug!” He caught and cracked it open in the same movement, then chugged it.

“Are you guys playing True American?” Sam looked at him in surprise.

“Dude, how did you know?” Dean grinned evilly and walked over to grab another beer.

“Let’s Star Trek IV this bitch,” he exclaimed as he jumped up on a chair in the corner opposite of where you were. You grinned widely, surprised that he was really going to play, and pointed at where you wanted Sam to go.

“Move, moose! Dean, go!”

 By the time you were down to the three pawns, Sam was starting to slow down. He was determined to stay in, but you could tell that it was only a matter of time before he bowed out. Dean, on the other hand, was going strong. He was amazing at quotes, and you were beginning to wonder if you were going to lose this game after all. To be fair, you’d become a bit distracted. You had been burying thoughts of Dean for several months, knowing that it could never happen. So far, you had been doing well but tonight the more you drank, the harder it was to ignore him. But True American was serious business, and it was time to get your head back into the game. It was his turn to give another quote, and you waited anxiously. If you could beat him to finishing it, it would put you right next to the castle and all you had to do was get those last three pawns out of the way. Dean started to give his quote when you heard a rustle and Cas popped up in the middle of the zones. 

“Cas, you’re in the lava!” you practically screamed, startling the angel.

“What...lava...I don’t understand?” His blue eyes looked around, concerned. Dean started pointing wildly at the couch.

“Get on the couch, dude! On the couch! You’re gonna lose if you stay in the lava!” Instead of moving, he kept looking between the three of you.

“There isn’t lava, are you three okay? How long have you been hallucinating this lava? Why didn’t you call me?” Sam was choking back laughter as Cas walked over to you and put his hand to your forehead, his brow crinkled as he concentrated. “You’re warm, Y/N. Maybe you should lay down.” You couldn’t contain your laughter anymore, and the angel looked hurt at your blatant disregard of his concern. While Cas was distracted, Sam took two beers off the table and tossed one to Dean, then another to you as Cas turned to face Dean.

“Hey Cas, your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could that they didn’t stop to think if they should.” Cas titled his head and narrowed his eyes at Dean.

“I don’t understand that reference.” Before he could react, all three of you tossed a beer at him and simultaneously shouted.

“CHUG!” Cas looked between the three of you, then at the beer that had splattered his trench coat, and then was gone.

Dean howled with laughter, “Did you see his face? Oh man, that was...that was good.” He wiped a tear from his eye. “Whoooo....that was too worth it. Hope he didn’t need anything important.” He cleared his throat and looked at you, then at the castle. “It’s up to you, Y/N, there’s only one pawn left and you’re the closest. You don’t get this, I could take the win. Ready?”

You narrowed your eyes, “Over my dead body, Winchester.”

He smirked, “Fine, then. We're ten hours from the fucking fun park and you want to bail out. Well I'll tell you something. This is-“

“-no longer a vacation. It's a quest. It's a quest for fun!” you practically screeched. Dean had apparently forgotten your love of National Lampoon movies, and had picked the perfect one.

Dean groaned, “Dammit!” You jumped from the chair you’d been perched on to the pillow in front of the castle and grabbed the last pawn. Sam went to take a sip of beer and remembered that that was the can he’d thrown at Cas. He looked over to the table in hopes of grabbing another one and saw that all of them were now gone. Dean realized what was happening and fist pumped. “Yea Sammy, you’re outta here! You can’t get back in without a pawn.”

“But tha’s not very fair, is it? What if I jus’ go into the kitchen and get another?” he slurred. You raised an eyebrow.

“Do you really want to do that? Your eyes are barely open.” He blinked lazily, his cheeks flushed, and grinned.

“Ha…probably not. I concede this time, Y/L/N. Next time, I’ma kick your ass.” He sauntered off slowly, slightly weaving as he turned to go towards his room. Dean looked back at you, his eyes sparkling.

“Looks like it’s just the two of us now, sweetheart. You wanna just forfeit, call it a day?” You popped open the beer and took a swig.

“Winchester, that’ll be the day. Do you see how close I am to victory? What makes you think that I’m going to give up now?” You were trying very hard to concentrate. You had been drinking for a while, and you could feel the heat on your cheeks. Dean was only a move away from making it to the castle. If he finished your quote, you were done. You stood for a moment and just looked at him. He had kicked off his boots and removed his flannel, and whenever he moved from spot to spot, you could see the little strip of skin between the bottom of his shirt and the top of his jeans. Right now, he was staring back at you, and you realized that your quick glance had turned into a full-blown gawk.

“You gonna go or what?”

You blinked slowly, “Oh, yea, I’m just thinking of a good one.” An idea comes to you. It’s a dangerous one, one that could cost you the game, but you were willing to risk it. Because if you could win using this quote, you’d never let Dean hear the end of it. “I want him dead, I want his house burnt to the ground, I want to go to his house and piss on his ashes!” Dean opened his mouth halfway through your sentence, but then his eyes widened and he stayed silent. You realized as soon as he started opening and closing his mouth like a fish out of water that you had him. He recognized it, he knew exactly what it was, yet he couldn’t remember it.

“No!” You grabbed the bottle of Maker’s Mark, cracked the seal, and thrust it in the air in victory.

“Know what that was from, Deano?” You took a swig of the bourbon and relished the burn as it slid down your throat. You were feeling brave, so you took a couple of steps toward Dean as you took another shot of bourbon straight from the bottle. The thought of regret in the morning crossed your mind, but you ignored it in favor of what the liquid courage was going to get you tonight if you played your cards right. He raised an eyebrow but stayed perched on the back of the chair he had previously been standing on. You stopped when you got to the front of the chair, looked him dead in the eye, and took another swig of bourbon.

“Do you really not remember what movie? It’s one of your favorites.” You put your knees in the seat of the chair, in between his feet, and leaned in close enough that your lips were barely brushing his ear. “You wanna get Capone? Here's how you get him. He pulls a knife, you pull a gun. He sends one of yours to the hospital, you send one of his to the morgue! That's the Chicago way,” you whispered.

Dean groaned, “The Untouchables….how did I not remember that?”

You grinned, “I took a chance. Maybe you were just distracted.” Dean pushed a strand of hair behind your ear and sighed.

“Yea…distracted.” His hand slid to the back of your neck and he pulled you into him, his lips soft against yours. You could feel his fingers intertwine with your hair as he pulled you closer. You’d imagined this moment a thousand times and nothing even held a candle to this.

Dean pulled back and muttered, “Sorry, I shouldn’t have…”

“I’m not.” You hopped off the chair, sat the bourbon on the coffee table, and started to make your way back to the bedrooms. Dean stood there watching after you until you turned around and winked at him. “You comin’, Winchester?” You disappeared around the corner and by the time he caught up to you, you had stopped in front of his door. He watched as you took a deep breath, then pulled your shirt over your head, leaving you in just a bra and shorts. “I believe this belongs to you,” you said, grinning. He walked right up to you, closer than you’d been before, and stared at you for a moment.

“How drunk are you?”

“Drunk enough to know that I want to do this. Not so drunk that you should feel guilty about taking advantage.” Dean searched your face for a moment, trying to decide if he believed you, then kissed you again.

“You have no idea how long I’ve been wanting to do that,” he sighed, leaning his forehead against yours.

You smiled, “I can probably guess.” The smile he gave you in return was bright, and you couldn’t help but notice how he was looking at you. Your calculated risk earlier not only won you the game, but also the oldest Winchester. As he picked you up and carried you into his room, you made up your mind to play True American with him more often.

Tags: @trexrambling @wheresthekillswitch @emptywithout @sassyspn67 @pinknerdpanda @hiimaprofessionalfangirl​​​