#if they haven't figured out i fall into a group they complain about often

[medicinemane]

There's something for pretty much everyone to hate about me

It varies what it is from person to person, but I see people's posts, everyone has something they don't like about me, they just don't realize I fall into who they're talking about (or maybe they do but they're making an exception for some reason, but don't do that)

That's just how it is, that's just the truth of things

[green-alm0nd]

[Crosshair x gn!reader]: Bigger picture (part 2)

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Summary:

It's been a few weeks since your breakup with Crosshair, and you should be feeling relieved that nothing is keeping you tied to him, yet you feel empty. It just so happens that you get paired up for a mission, and something happens that will make you change your mind.

TRIGGER WARNINGS: SPOILERS FOR TBB S3, angst, mentions of breakups, Crosshair being described as closed-off, near death experience, comfort, emotions, tension, swearing, fluff.

This is the second part of 'Bigger Picture'.

[Part 1] (Please read if you haven't in order to understand this continuation, thanks ^^)

Enjoy!

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The Havoc Marauder was busy with noise. Hunter was busy with walking circles and figuring out a plan, Wrecked was lifting Gonky up, Echo was speaking to Rex through his commlink, Omega was being as carefree as ever, and Crosshair was busy checking out Tech's old records.

On the other hand, you were sitting on your barrack, thinking about the past events. And fixing Omega's commlink; but the screwdriver had been stuck in the same place for twenty minutes.

Maybe you had been too harsh. Ever since your argument and 'official breakup' with the sharpshooter, things had been extremely awkward. There was tension left unresolved and the team could feel it. Hunter had had enough of it. He was tired, and maybe a tad annoyed, that you and Crosshair had acted as childish as he had ever seen you two.

Kriff, Omega acted more mature than both you sometimes.

Echo, Wrecker and Omega felt it too. Yet, not as strong as Hunter. Often, Echo and Wrecker would exchange looks when you came up with a snappy, or bitter remark. However, since the argument, you two just acted like the other one didn't exist. Before everything that happened, you refused to look or speak to Crosshair. But, the marksman would always look at you. After the argument, Echo and Wrecker would just give you straight side eyes at all times.

And Omega had felt it too, she felt guilty for forcing you two to speak, asides from convincing Crosshair you would forgive him even though the wound was still fresh.

"Alright." Hunter spoke up, crossing his arms, making everyone's head turn to his direction.

"We're here to try collect some data about Tantiss and its coordinates. We will split up in order to cover more terrain, and remember to keep your comms off. Wrecker, you're with me; Echo, Omega, you two will investigate the right side; and you two-" Hunter said, gaze going from Crosshair to you.

"I don't want to hear any bickering, or any screaming. We're here to help the clones on Tantiss, not to fight over a lover's quarrel. You'll investigate the middle part; Wrecker and I will take the left."

It had been the first time you had heard Hunter so...annoyed. Or tired. Yeah, tired was the right word.

And like that, the squad stepped out of the ship, not giving you time to complain nor protest.

....

Silence was the only thing you heard when you and Crosshair entered the abandoned ship Hunter had insisted on investigating.

The sound of wet footsteps and the cracks of humidity making little water droplets fall, was all that could be heard. Your gazed turned to Crosshair's feet, slightly more tense and awkward than yours.

"Did... uh-Hunter tell you if there were any droids?" You asked, awkwardly.

Crosshair kept walking, avoiding your gaze. He voice was soft, yet distant.

"No. Hunter said to notify everyone if we found anything. If not, we leave and join the other group."

Nodding in response, you figured the conversation had ended.

Upon reaching the control room, you split to try find anything that led to Tantiss. Whether it was intel about the experiments happening in there, or coordinates from where the ship came from, anything was valuable.

You looked around for a while, and your hand ran across one of the old and rusted computers, once a great machine. The layers of dust accumulated on your fingers, and you shook your hands in order to get the particles away from them.

Your mind wandered off to your first mission with Crosshair, that painful yet exciting memory that would be stuck inside your mind until the day you stopped breathing.

You had been assigned to a group of five clones as a medic on a mission, and that's when you locked eyes with the sharpshooter for the first time.

Yeah, he had been a tough shell to crack at first, always so closed off and an infinite list of snarky remarks. However, once you were able to crack his shell, he turned out to be a nice guy, slightly timid sometimes and a hot-headed, stubborn idiot you fell in love with. And yes, he had hurt you in so many ways after he joined the Empire. But he was still that: Crosshair.

It was so sad to think about what you two could have been.

You shook your head, focusing on the present. There was no use in mourning about the past.

"There's nothing here. Let's go." The marksman said, before walking out of the control room. You followed close behind, before you felt no floor beneath you in less than a second.

One of the floor tiles was loose, and you happened to step on it, making time as slow as ever, and feeling like you were floating for a split second.

Crosshair, as sharp as ever, turned around to see a big hole on the floor, and you nowhere close. His mind quickly figured what had happened and ran towards the hole, and saw you hanging on a piece of metal. Panic invaded his mind, the marksman had been too caught up in his own mind to realise that the floor tile was loose.

His senses were overloaded, and he couldn't think straight. The metal piece was barely holding your weight, and you looked at Crosshair with pleading eyes. Fear and anxiety filled your eyes as you felt yourself slipping through the void, and the metal piece falling.

....

Crosshair's mind stopped. He had lost you once again. He let you down. And he hated himself for it.

He remembered your smile, your touch, your fingertips caressing his hand. The marksman had always been closed off, but your lips on his always made him put his guard down. He remembered naked bodies and tangled limbs, tender touches and shared nights under the roof of Kamino.

All the memories flashed before him as his eyes stung with something strange, something new. Tears.

Tears filled his eyes as pain made him clench his heart. No, he refused to lose you again.

He lost you when he decided to join the Empire, he failed to save your sister, and he lost you once again when he fought with you a few weeks ago.

No. He wouldn't lose you again.

....

Before you could slip away, something strong grabbed you, and your whole body rushed with adrenaline.

A strong hand gripped yours before your body could fully fall. You looked up, and saw Crosshair, with a look of pure fear, staring at you, seemingly worried.

The marksman's mouth ran dry, but three words came out of his lips.

"I've got you."

With every ounce of his strength, Crosshair pulled you up.

The sharpshooter was never a fan of hugs, or close contact. He always preferred showing love in other ways, he saw it as being vulnerable. But this time, he let himself be weak, and wrapped you in a hug.

"I've got you." He muttered, even though it's sounded more like he needed to convince himself.

For a moment, everything that made you be angry at him faded away, and you hugged him back. He gripped you tightly, as if making sure you wouldn't suddenly leave his grip.

You stayed like that for a few moments, before your commlink beeped.

"Hey! Are you guys okay? We heard something coming your way!" Echo's voice came through the conmlink.

Crosshair's trembling hand came through the conmlink.

"Yes. There's nothing here. We're heading back, over." He replied, with his usual voice though his entire body was shaking.

....

The way back was quiet, the adrenaline dying down, yet still there as a reminder of what had happened. None of you spoke, and you found yourself unable to breathe.

However, you still felt like you had to thank him.

Your fingers brushed his, a small sparkle igniting your insides, replacing the adrenaline with butterflies instead.

Crosshair didn't bother to look at you, but for a split second, his fingers laces with yours.

But reality struck back, and you pulled away, and the way back to the Marauder was once again quiet.

....

Once again, you found yourself outside the Marauder, the constant memory of what had happened today that had been kept between you and the marksman not letting you sleep.

You leaned on the ships walls, and remembered the way Crosshair's eyes locked with yours, hanging for dear life.

You reminded yourself that Crosshair had definitely thought it through, since he had used his left hand, instead of his right one. He knew his trembling hand would make it worse, and that he could lose you because of it, so he had used his other hand to grab you and save you.

Maybe you should've listened to Omega. Maybe he had changed.

"I figured I would find you here." A voice said, footsteps approaching you.

You turned around to face him. The man who had saved your life.

"I can't sleep. Too much on my head." You replied, curtly.

Crosshair let out a low hum, leaning besides you on the wall of the Marauder.

That façade you had created to get yourself away from the sharpshooter banished when he saved you. You figured there was no point, and that the act of saving you was enough proof that he had changed, and that he deserved a second chance. There was no point in hating him anymore, he had proved himself to be worthy of your kindness. At least, a small bit of it.

"I... guess I- apologize for stuff...that I did. In the past." He awkwardly said, crossing his arms and looking at the ground.

You laughed, it had been a long time since you had seen Crosshair so uncomfortable with himself. He had never apologized, and seeing him cringe at his own words was the best thing that could've happened that day.

"I'm trying to open up, asshole." He replied, going back to his snarky remarks.

You chuckled softly.

"I'm just so proud of you, that you're finally apologising." You remarked, smiling.

"Whatever." He scoffed, turning away.

You stayed quiet for a while, before you spoke up again. It was time to listen to Omega. It was time to give Crosshair a second chance.

It was time to let go.

"Thank you. You really saved me from a tight spot there. And although there's nothing we can do to change the past, maybe, we can re-shape the future." You said, approaching him and kissing his cheek.

"Good night, Cross." You whispered, heading to the ramp.

The marksman froze, and looked at you while you made your way back into the ship.

His face had slightly tinted cheeks, and a small frown formed on his face. Though, it softened quickly.

Maybe, it had been a reflex. But Crosshair was relieved you decided to trust in him once more.

And like that, he said goodbye to the dark night, and welcomed in the warm air of the engine of the Havoc Marauder.

----

Whew! I finally finished this one! Make sure you check out part 1 in case you haven't!

My requests are open!

Reblogs and shares are highly appreciated! <33

[sitp-recs]

Hello Liv, hope you are well ❤️ Thank you for the amazing work you do, I am so glad I started following you.

I am struggling a bit at the moment, and was wondering if you had some cozy drarry to recommend? Could be hurt/comfort or anything else, but preferably not to explicit. If you know of some where either of them is dealing with figuring out they are asexual that would be great, but I haven't really found many fics with this before, so no worries if you don't.

Again thank you so much for all that you do, I really appreciate it ❣️

Hello darling, I’m sorry to hear it’s been a rough time for you 🫂 here are some of my favourite comfort fics that I’m always revisiting to lift my spirits. All of them are T-rated, except for Nice Things (M). I hope they help! Take care 💜

Ace Drarry:

Glowing by @cavendishbutterfly (10k)

Harry's lived alone and vampiric in his cottage for ages, until a long-lived Draco Malfoy suddenly shows up to answer an advertisement Harry had practically forgotten he'd put in the Prophet.

Passion Cake by @icmezzo (19k)

It’s all about desire. (Harry orders a magically enhanced cake from a chic London bakery, and from there it all goes to hell in a cake tin. Also, will someone please tell Harry what Passion Cake is?)

Little Deaths and How to Avoid Them (or Draco Malfoy's Guide to Stop Dying and Start Living Instead) by nerakrose and dustmouth (96k)

Malfoy is way too interested in coroner reports for somebody who's definitely not looking for ways to die, Harry wants to be friends with him, and Ginny wants to break up with Harry.

Misc:

Waiting for that Feeling by @sorrybutblog (4k)

Draco Malfoy has a car and Harry Potter is on the case! Featuring Muggle car repair, a road trip to Cornwall, and falling in love in a Ford Fiesta.

Thermodynamic Equilibrium by @dorthyanndrarry (5k)

Harry's far too hot. Draco's always cold. And somehow against all odds, together they create a perfect equilibrium.

Life goes not backward by @shealwaysreads (9k)

Harry still isn’t used to gifts, but this one is different. A story of coming home, finding safe ground, and the wild courage of putting down roots.

warmest part of the winter (orphaned, 11k)

It’s not even a balcony, it’s just a window with a bit of a ledge, and Draco’s read Shakespeare anyway, he knows how this one ends.

How We Throw Our Shadows Down by thistle_verse (14k)

Draco has finally found the perfect, rare piece to complete his collection. The only problem is that the item belongs to Harry Potter, the last wizard on earth Draco wants to ask another favour from.

The Snitch-Maker by Omi_Ohmy (21k)

Draco is content with his Snitches, with the tap tap tap of his hammer, and the tiny gears and sharp scent of metal in his workshop - until one day Harry Potter appears, asking for help to solve a rash of Snitch-tampering in the Quidditch world.

With Great Yawns and Stretchings by sugar_screw (22k)

The coffee is very good. Really. And the cats are so cute. That's why Harry goes so often.

Nice Things by aideomai (M, 22k)

The first thing that happened was Theodore Nott came back from France.

Doing the Lambeth Walk by @blamebrampton (26k)

There are only three traditional choices for the cashed-up hero after victory. Harry Potter is too young to settle down and provide the wizarding world with a happy ending, and has too acute a sense of humour to spiral downwards into a spectacular flame-out. That leaves a life of good works.

Follow the Water by @xanthippe74 (38k)

Harry Potter’s life is fine. Maybe a little dull and predictable, but he shouldn’t complain about that, right? When he unexpectedly finds himself at Luna’s house one afternoon, Harry gets invited to join the secret wonderland that she’s creating with a surprising group of friends.

Like Lightning at Your Fingertips by potterwatch (43k)

The problem with living with another insomniac is, eventually, they find out you’re one, too. When Harry and Draco return for their eighth year, they think they’ll see very little of each other. Then McGonagall assigns them to room together. And the castle starts breaking. And there’s that thing with Potter’s magic.

A Room Up There (And You In It) by @the-starryknight (59k)

When Preservationist Draco Malfoy was assigned to work on Number Twelve, Grimmauld Place, he was excited to delve into the gorgeous Black family antiques. His excitement quickly ended when something in the House decided it did not like his presence one bit.

Art:

Going Postal by dustmouth

So Draco and Harry sort of maybe have a bit of a thing going. Which is all fine and good, but would probably be more effective if they managed to be on the same continent for more than five minutes at a time.

[peachyloveswriting]

NEW MESSAGE --- (König)

SUMMARY: you can't shake that icy hole that's growing bigger and bigger each day you sit.

CONTENT: Angst, cringe, good ending.

NOTES: This is a follow up to Left on read since you guys were complaining about me not writing an ending. So I'm here to finally fucking feed you what you've been asking for. You're welcome. If you haven't read the former fic to this you can find it here.

⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝

It was hard, leaving him there without you. The pained look in his eyes pulling the breath from your lungs while you were wheeled away from his peering gaze.

In the end you weren't sure whether you were ever going to see him again, or even take another breath again. Doctors said you came close to hitting a major artery that day, thankfully the healing process has treated you well. The medical staff back at base is filled with amazing hard working individuals and you've managed to pull through. Lately though, it feels as though you've been missing something. As if you left something behind. "There's no need to worry, we're sure you'll figure out what it is eventually." Soap tells you. He was part of 141, a close friend of yours despite being in different units. Thankfully him and his group were very welcoming to your company while you healed. You'll often find yourself playing poker with these men while drinking yourself to oblivion. It's been nice, being with them, but you can't shake that icy hole that's growing bigger and bigger each day you sit.

"Still thinkin' about it aye?" Soap's strong Scottish accent slices through the air and pulls you from your thoughts. Your distant watching eyes meet his as puffs of cold air leave your nose. He knows that look, that longing for something you don't have. It burns your lungs to think about even if your thoughts strangle you. "Yeah." You didn't have to speak in order for him to even know the answer. He knew it the moment he saw you. Gathering his thoughts, he rounds the chair to sit in the one beside you with a grunt. "You need to stop letting it bug you." He says. Bringing the cigarette to your lips you suck in the burning stream of air. It's ferocious and addictive claws sinking into your lungs before releasing into the air around your buzzing head. His words offer no peace of mind to your drowning thoughts.

That day is still fuzzy in your memory, the morphine probably affected you worse than you initially thought. "I know." You finally hum. The misinformation on the informative unit still has your mind boggled, the aftermath even more so. After being shot, a teammate carried you to safety. A teammate... You don't have a very big team. It consists of few people, yourself and one other person you can recall as of now.

"König..." You whisper.

A glint shines in your eyes as you stare out into the distance, the cigarette in your hand suddenly becoming irrelevant. It's like every molecule in your body is lit aflame, the warmth burning you alive as you jump to your feet. Soap rises with you, stomping out your fallen cigarette while you rush inside. "Wait! Your shoulder!" Soap warns as he jogs after you. His words fall upon deaf ears as eyes watch you rush past, soap tries his best to catch up but your speed is unmatched compared to his. Coming to a stop bwside Ghost, his chest heaving and a hand on his shoulder to prop himself up he heaves out. "She's fucking lost it L.T."

Burning flames run up your legs as you dash through the base, your lungs heaving with each padding step. The puzzle that has you so lost and confused was finally pieced together with one singular string of thought. He was coming in today, after weeks of waiting you could finally see him again. That's all that matters, even the striking pain in your shoulder doesn't stop you as soldiers coming back from missions enter the base. Reaching the door, you find yourself pushing through this line of people, your shoulder colliding with someone else's as you push out the door. Clenching your jaw in pain you slow to a stop, people's eyes watching you with curiosity. Scanning the different faces you can't seem to find his. That giant silhouette no where to be seen.

Sucking in a sharp breath you turn on your heel and push back through the door. Shouts follow your wake as you rush towards resting quarters. It feels like the world is rushing by you, the difference faces like hands reaching out to stop you. The base dispite being small feels so large as you run through it with purpose. The floor stretching on beneath you narrows into a hallway, doors lining each side. He's so close, the thought of seeing him forcing your heart to work overtime. Maybe you've finally lost it, and all over some wannabe sniper. You can't help it, they was the thought of him grips you like death. Out from the doorway, the one you know he just has to be in, steps out the giant you've been searching for. Ice rushes your veins, the excitement washing away all the pain from your shoulder as you collide with him.

"König!" You call out as you tackle him back into his room. Stumbling back with a grunt he looks down to see you wrapped around his torso, your head buried just below his chest. Warmth spreads throughout him as he realizes who you really are. The smile spreading across his face is unstoppable as he embraces you in a hug. "Liebe." You hear. Suddenly two hands scoop you up beneath the arms, instinctively wrapping your legs around his torso you beam at him. "You're back." You exclaim. Kicking his door shut with his foot he nuzzles his face into your shoulder and secures his hands on your legs to keep you in place. The warmth the spreads in your chest breaths life into the need to never let go, your hand clutching at the back of his shirt while he settles at the end of his bed.

"You're alive." He sobs. Lifting his head from your neck he smiles at you, though you can't see it. Feeling him shudder beneath you makes frustration bubble in your chest. His small sniffles spark something and suddenly you're move your hands to pull off the hood covering his face.

His stomach lurches forward as you grasp the bottom of the fabric, his heart racing in his chest. Although his mind is screaming to stop you from removing the hood, he remains still as ever. The need to feel your hands against his face again spurs him to let you do this. Finally able to see you fully he smiles, painfully you smile back. The tears streaming down his face pain your heart, unable to see them any longer you lift your hands to his cheeks. Leaning into your tough he lets out another soft cry. "I'm so glad you're alive. I don't know what I would have done if..." Leaning closer you press a small kiss to his lips, cutting his sentence short. "Don't think about it, I know it hurts but just relax. I'm here now aren't I?" You say. Without hesitation he nods, making the smile return to your face.

Finally able to have him in your grasp, to give him the love he needs, you just stare. It can't be helped, the need to just take him in after having such a painful exit. You left him behind without the confirmation in words that you wanted him just as much as he wanted you, and now that you can do it the words just won't come to you. "Liebe." He starts. "Now that I can finally tell you without the worry of death..." He shudders at the word. Your breath catches in your throat, it's like he has you in a trance all over again. Just the feeling of his hands on you being so relieving.

"I love you. I think now is a better time than any to tell you. We don't know when we're going to die and I feel that rist is not one worth taking unless you know how I feel." Butterflies take hold of him as he waits for your response with baited breath. "If course I love you too. Wasn't it obvious enough, god I love you." Tucking your head into his shoulder you wrap your arms around him again.

Hugging you tighter he rests him head on yours. "never leave?" He sounds so unsure. He has a right to be, neither of you know when the breath you take may be your last, but for him you take a deep breath and close your eyes. "Never."

[dogsplayingpoker]

i don't really even want to 'complain' about post-graduation ennui because 1) saying any of it feels dumb because it's so obvious. and 2) i feel like i haven't had the opportunity to fucking Sleep so much in so long like it's such a huge relief in so many ways. and 3) there are obviously such huge actual problems in the world and being Sad ;'( about being able to graduate from college feels like shit in and of itself because like my mom never had the opportunity to feel this stupid sadness so many people don't. but i also lost in the span of May the two majors +minor i've been working on for years the building i spent literally every day of the week in usually from 8:00am to at least 11:00pm and often much later. i lost constant daily socializing and making and working together with the same group of people including peers and younger people that i felt i could help and teachers i looked up to who helped me when i freaked out. i lost my workstudy job and my student government position and my internship and my research job because it was for active students. i lost the wonderful beautiful structure that was definitely absolutely killing me but that made time make sense and made things make sense and let me feel like i was a mover and a shaker and i could slot anything in or figure anything out and it felt so easy to push my health aside for later because i had so many deadlines and that's objectively not good But......lol. i think it's hard to realize that i'm in/have been in the ramifications of that especially since i love being able to do it. it feels so much better to brute force pretend your not having an episode then to have to deal with it. and i was constantly around people who Got It too and i loved and still love them. and i got awards that i'm really proud of....i got mentorship awards and i got valedictorian and shit. but i think partly because that comes after it's "over" it doesn't feel real it doesn't feel like "i" even achieved that. i lost my refuge and easy constant access to the community in my major that literally actually made me realize i am a human being worthy of love and respect and life and it's so easy to fall back into old bad habits now that all that's kind of gone even though i know it's not actually completely gone

[chrimsone]

This blog has really become some weird journal of mine, eh? What, I've realized I'll never have the social skills to get a group of people to call my own here. So might as well throw some long-winded mind-dumps out into the void. Someone might listen, don't really care if they do.

I've tried lots of things. Verbal words don't work. My mind doesn't work right in translating thoughts to the tongue. I'm lucky to have a better time typing out my brain-think than nothing at all. I've tried many a therapist. None really stuck. Just as we maybe would have gotten somewhere, something would happen and I'd just never reschedule. I've just given up on the route now.

Now on paper I tried a few. I used to draw out some feelings. Sometimes they'd be good but once I realized I just shouldn't draw I haven't tried. The bonus though is I don't cut anymore because of that. Blood really is the prettiest medium. Text is the closest I can get. I have a plethora of notebooks. Some well used, others only a few pages. The unlucky ones have many pages torn out. And the majority are completely untouched. Several books have attempted to become journals of mine. One sits to my left, a taunt to try and keep up. Otherwise, Docs carry a lot of vents. It's mostly annoying and I want to delete them. Not fun glancing at some of my saddening words when I just want to find an old story I was working on. There might be more things I've tried but they were inconsequential enough to not be worth remembering.

This came to mind recently because I had a chat with my clanmates. I've been avoiding interaction to prevent my complaining of my job. It's retail, these last two months are the worst time to be working retail, and it's most of what I can think about. Hell it's triggered a depressive episode multiple times. Can't do shit but sit and stare at the menu of my browser or steam. If I'm lucky I'll doomscroll enough of Reddit to hit either a sub in a different language or some obscure kink I haven't blacklisted yet. That's the most I amount to nowadays.

I want to write, you know I had plans to participate in NaNoWriMo? I couldn't even break 1k words on my attempt. I haven't looked at any of my other stuff. I try to think about it, and the same sentence loops in my head over and over and over and over -- as the anxiety of my next shift paralyzes me.

I spent a good chunk of this summer and fall just reading fics. Sometimes reading for the story. To see what people can do with an idea, or franchise I find interest in. I learned some things about media I'd normally never care about just because the premise of the fic seemed interesting. Learned the horrors of lust, but that's just a me thing. I tried to read with the intent of learning about writing.

Have I mentioned it before? I'm terrified to pursue a career in literature. I'm scared I'll find out I have some stupid gene that prevents me from even trying to get a good footing. I'm scared of what I might do if I ever find out. This is the last thing I'm clinging onto for some kind of future, and all that's left is hope.

So I look at how people write. I try to figure out what they do. Do they write in present or past tense? Is it better to do one over the other, or is it just preference? What habits does an individual form? How often do they repeat that?

How do I look like as a writer compared to them? Is my tense fucked up? I find myself writing in past tense, am I not supposed to? Are my patterns too obvious? Do I fall into habit too quick? Are my characters too similar? Does what I write even make sense?

I've been reading a bit again. Not much though. I feel guilty? Inferior? Frustrated. The source material has so much potential, and this is what people do with it? Hurt. I want a friend. I reached out, but all I received was a mere brush of contact. I feel alone in what remains of my passion. I try to connect with the friends I already have, but to them it's nothing more than a mere hobby. A consideration at most.

I don't tag these so I hope it doesn't show up on any radars to be honest. But I finally gave myself time to watch some of the Mandalorian. I've been wanting to, kind of. I never had any interest in Star Wars, a silly childhood trauma caused me to denounce the franchise, and by the time I no longer feared what I had, I didn't care. When the show was announced, my interest was piqued one way or the other. I always liked people who kept themselves masked up. I had no idea until what? Two years ago? But now that I've made the connection it's easy to say when that fascination pokes through. It happened with this.

I watched the first episode late at night. I had my phone on some shitty mobile game to keep my attention on. I wholly expected to not be interested. Catch onto the plot, find it boring and just watch to satisfy my niche.

Did you know that a beskar ingot disappears from Mando's hands in-between cuts in that first episode? I thought it was a CGI error in the beginning, but the way they handled the prop felt too real. So somehow in filming they forgot to tell him to hold the ingot during a set. It's only in like, the bottom left corner, barely noticeable. But I did.

I woke up the next day fully expecting to binge what I could. I watched the next two episodes after. And I loved them. The direction enamored me. It felt like something I would want to write. I desperately want to see the script for the show. How they planned out such amazing episodes. The action was entertaining, I thought to myself while watching how I could try to translate that into words. If I could.

In the opening of one of the first three episodes, I noticed a bandolier on his shin. I thought to myself, 'strange, that's not a very convenient place to stash your extra bullets.' and chalked it up to character design and left it there. Except, it wasn't I'm pretty sure, later in the same episode, he's kneeling, and using those bullets on his shin for the extra-charged sniper shot. Whatever that thing is. It all clicked and I fell in love.

And then I watched the fourth episode.

Something was off right away. He was talking a lot all of a sudden. Using more words than necessary. I thought, 'oh it's just to communicate with a child! They're still learning social skills so it's good to be thorough', but it never stopped. I noticed the show fell back into the monotony most shows have. I finished feeling gross. I didn't like the direction the story had went. I didn't like the shift from visual story telling to so much dialogue.

Would that opinion translate well to text?

The increase of work stress stopped me from really watching. I accepted that I probably won't get back to the show until after the Black Friday week. That was fine.

But I learned, the first three episodes weren't well received. It baffled me. I bet people were saying 'why not condense all that into one episode and get on with it?' I can see that complaint, and if it weren't written so well, maybe I'd agree.

I write like that. A lot of detail in a small frame of time. Those first three episodes had the style of something I would make. I'm obviously not as experienced. But I recognized the care to the small bits most overlook. Now I'm apprehensive about even finishing the show. I'll never get those three episodes back from the sounds of it. I'll never get the slow burn, minimal dialogue, action and establishing shots. It's something the people don't like.

Guess if I ever got my foot somewhere, I could change that.

One last thing before I end this month's message. Still related to writing. I applied to work for Bungie. To get out of the job I hate, and work for something I love.

At least they gave me a response.

I think that added to my depressive slump lately too. I just don't have what it takes. All I have is what? Four shitty fics posted to the public? All but one being from when I was sixteen. Everything else is in my head, with only a few being lucky enough to even get a rough draft somewhere in one of my notebooks or docs. Wonder If I'll ever get to work on a story for real.

[hnychn]

𝐒𝐏𝐈𝐓 𝐅𝐈𝐑𝐄 [𝐈𝐈𝐈]

sypnosis : life with your five lovers has been more than fulfilling, but when you're paired with a student from general studies for a project, your quintet seems a little less full

word count : 4000+

warnings : mutual pining, gender neutral reader, relationship insecurities, bakugo tries but. . .it doesn't go as well as he planned, grammar errors and spelling errors, it's . . . a long one, a bit rushed at the end so uhh pls don't mind that :)

parts : [ 𝐈 ] [ 𝐈𝐈 ] [ 𝐈𝐈𝐈 ]

a/n : so sorry for the long wait LMAO- i know i said my bokuto fic would be coming out today but uhhh ahaha my depression hit me full force this weekend and i didn't even look at the dock because i was too busy sleeping, but uhh enjoy this :D

↩︎ back to student masterlist | main mha masterlist

- WELCOME TO PART THREE sorry for the log wait 😭 life has been kicking my ass but we're not here to hear me complain, we're here for the tea

- so, it's a couple months after you joined the bakusquad and their relationship. and let me tell you, it has been nothing but amazing. 😩 your days are never quiet and they're always filled with some sort of excitement and love.

- you kaminari and mina often get into trouble for leaving the dorms late at night because you want snacks and there's nothing in the kitchens. you become kirishima's pillow, don't matter about your size or whatever, you are his pillow and you better not argue 🔫 sero always puts on some type of bachata or reggaeton or some spanish song and dances with you in his dorms. and bakugo is your go to person to cook with and just generally annoy or prank since it's so easy to get a reaction out of him.

- and you couldn't have asked for a better relationship. you all are so communicative and talk about your feelings often and how you're doing. every saturday or sunday, you all go to a dorm (usually it's bakugo's cause it's the cleanest) and have a huge cuddle pile and talk about your mental states, how you're doing, what you have problems with, etc etc.

- like damn ok i see you with the mentally and emotionally stable relationship 🤪🤪

- it's so refreshing too because sometimes you'll have a tough week and you jsut need to let it all out, and you can in the comfort of bakugo's dorm and you know none of them will judge you because they're all so open about their love for you (and vise versa)

- anyways, yeah y'all got the best relationship

- you never thought about anyone else in a romantic sense because the squad took up nearly all of the space in your heart. but when you teacher announced one day the general studies kids would be coming in to have a joint project to create gadgets for the hero course students, you had no idea your life would suddenly be turned upsidedown.

- you were paired with a guy named shinsou. he looked friendly enough and returned the wave you sent him with a little surprise as he made his way to the open seat next to you. he seemed surprised when you started a small conversation but he talked to you in a quiet soothing voice. he seemed nice enough and you figured the project would be a breeze since he seemed so nice and offered to meet up over the weekend to start up some ideas for the project.

- you agreed and the two of you met up that lunch period in the library to pre-draft some ideas and get to know each other more.

"i'm surprised you don't mind being seen with me."

his sudden comment took you by surprise as you looked up from your paper with messily drawn gadgets and chicken scratch writing to look up at him, "what do you mean?"

it was true you had never seen him before or even heard of him, but his hesitance to talk to you and open up to you made you feel as though you should.

shinsou rubbed the back of his neck and looked away shyly, "so you really haven't heard anything about me, have you?"

he looked almost guilty to bring it up, his gaze falling to the table in front of him as be played with a strand of his hair.

you shook your head. you never really payed attention to gossip around school, your head always too high up in the clouds to care about rumors and gossip (bakugo often scolded you for being such an airhead and ignorant to your surroundings, but you knew he was just worried about something happening to you). plus, to you, gossip was nearly never right and more often made up and fictitious.

shinsou refused to look up at you, "well. . .i'm known throughout the school as a. . ." he looked hesitant to continue but before you could reassure him he didn't have to talk about it if he didn't want to, he continued, "well, a villain."

he prised his lips as if the words left a bitter taste in his mouth, and all you could do was tilt your head. shinsou didn't seem like a bad person - or a 'villain' as he had said. on the way to the library he held open doors for you and helped you carry some of your books to your locker and even bought you a drink you wanted buy but were a bit short of change on.

"do you think you are?"

"what?" shinsou looked at you for the first time since he brought up the topic.

"do you think you're a villain?" he shuffled slightly in his seat and looked away again from your intense stare. he felt like you were looking straight into his soul from how strongly you were looking into his eyes, he wasn't sure if you had even blinked in the last minute.

shinsou thought back to all the times he's been called a villain or a criminal. it was always unwarranted, a passing comment that seemed like no big deal to others but shattered his heart into smaller and smaller pieces. but never once had he ever thought he was a villain - a monster.

if anything, he used those comments as encouragement to become a hero, to be better than those who always thought he would turn to a life of crime. so, "no... i don't think i'm a villain."

"well, that's that."

shinsou could only stare at you, your smile brighter than any star he'd ever seen, so full of hope and encouragement shinsou felt like he could take on the world. he looked away and rubbed the back of his neck, a shy smile pulling at his lips and a weird feeling blossoming in his chest. how curious. . .

- so yeah, a new friendship 🤪 the two of you started to spend a lot of free time together for the project. you would often meet up during lunches or free time between classes to work some more on the project, all the while getting to know each other in depth. you learned many things about shinsou and spilled many of your own secrets, you laughed together over old childhood stories, and played animal crossing on the rooftop during lunch, your project discarded and forgotten beside you.

- your sudden absence didn't go unnoticed by your lovers, and they grew curious to your whereabouts when you would blow them off for the fifth time that week to "work on your project". now, don't get me wrong, they had conplete trust in you and knew you would never cheat, but they were just curious as to what - or who - was taking up so much of your time.

- so, they did the smartest thing, and followed you. after blowing them off for the sixth time, they decided to follow you to your destination. mina and kaminari tried to be inconspicuous and wear disguises, but the fake mustache, black glasses (indoors, might i add) and hat weren't all too discreet as they thought.

- they followed you through every turn and weave you took and hid behind a corner when you stopped at a vending machine to get your favourite drink. but what surprised them the most was you also bought a coffee. bakugo was most surprised you even thought about even touching the can of caffine because he remembered you telling him you would get terrible caffine rushes that would make you dizzy if you drank coffee.

- but, as you finally reached the rooftop and made your way to a hunched over figure in the corner, it all made sense.

- they all saw how effortlessly you and shinsou acted around each other. they could see the soft looks he would send you when you weren't looking and the way his hand would hover over yours for a split second too long before snapping away as if you were made of lava. but surprisingly, they didn't feel any sort of jealousy or anger, it felt like a piece of them had returned they didn't even know was missing. the sort of feeling that walks through the door unexpectedly but it's wholesomely welcomed.

- the "oh, there you are, welcome back" type of feeling. they were happy you had found someone that made you feel comfortable, arguably more comfortable than you had been with them so far because truthfully, while you had felt welcomed and appreciated in the relationship, it still felt like you were an outsider. the five of them had inside jokes before you came and didn't get them when they came up, the five of them had habits special to each other that inadvertently excluded you. and while they never meant to hurt you (god knows that's the last thing they ever wanted to do), they had. but you knew that wasn't their intention so you held no malitious feelings towards them (not that you think you'd ever could).

- but the way you and shinsou so effortlessly opened up to each other, shared intimate details and secrets with each other - it warmed their hearts. so, bakugo grabbed them all by the back of their shirts and dragged them away, mumbling about giving the two of you space. there was a fond look in his eyes as he looked at the two of you he would be teased about later but would deny.

- it was undeniable bakugo held the softest spot for you. he tried as best as he could to include you in their inside jokes and habits but he was. . well . . . bakugo 🧍🏽‍♀️

- words aren't necessarily his strong suit and he could only hope his smaller actions let you know you were as loved and cherished as any of them there. and you knew, you caught on a little after bakugo had a little "secret talk" with the group (that wasn't really secret at all, he grabbed them all by their shirts and dragged them to a secluded spot while you distracted on your phone) and they all started to explain their jokes and include you in their habits.

- anyways, back to you and shinsou. 🤪 he was aware you were in a ployamorous relationship with the bakusquad and he's heard the way you talk about them and the soft airy tone of your voice and the starry look in your eyes; and he didn't want to get in between that. the last thing he ever wanted was to ruin your relationship for his own selfish reasons.

- so for the time being, he would be okay with watching you from afar, the sweetness of your love so close for him to taste; yet too far for him to savour.

- as more and more times passed, the bakusquad began to notice the lingering looks you would give shinsou when you passed him in the halls and how he would always be waiting for you outside of your class with your favourite drink before leaving you to go to lunch while he went off and . . . well, you weren't sure what he did during his free time, but he never brought it up so you never figured to ask.

- when you fell asleep the next time you all had a cuddle session in bakugo's room, they all talked about it. talked about your obvious feelings for each other and the possibility of including shinsou in their relationship. they spent hours talking about it and still talked about it even when the moon vanished over the horizon and the sun rose. and, in not very smart fashion, bakugo was tasked to confronting shinsou about their conclusion.

- which - almost as if there were an author behind all of this - didn't go as well as any of them planned.

it was perfect, really. almost as if the universe had been listening to their conversation and aligned itself perfectly for this very moment.

you woke up that morning with a terrible stomach ache and chose to stay back in your dorm after bakugo made you a bowl of soup and threatened you to take your medicine. his classes ended a little earlier than usual and, sending his lover's a nod, made his way over to your class, where, lo and behold, shinsou was standing near the door, the familiar brand of your favourite drink in one hand and his own cold coffee in the other.

bakugo wasn't sure what he was going to say when he reached shinsou. he opted to just speak from the heart over rehearsing lines with the others like they had wanted, besides, what kind of lover would be be if he couldn't even do this for you? but, what he didn't take into consideration, was his emotional constipation and tsundere attidute.

"hey, eye bags!" bakugo called out.

shinsou nearly jumped out of his skin at bakugo's sudden loud voice. he looked over with the same eyes of indifference he normally had, but bakugo could see the slight far in them. not at his brash attitude (shinsou could never be afriad of bakugo and confronting him before the sports fesitval was a perfect example of that) but the fear of ruining your relationship with the bakusquad.

shinsou nodded at bakugo when he got close enough. bakugo stood in front of him, his hands still shoved into the pockets of his pants, "they're sick."

it was a simple enough statement but shinsou blinked, "what?"

"y/n." bakugo stated and rolled his eyes as if the answer had been written on his forehead (and it basically had, shinsou was just a bit shocked at his appearance), "they're sick and mina's staying back with them in their dorm."

shinsou rubbed the back of his neck, "oh."

there was an awkward silence as the two boys stood in the vacant hallway. bakugo didn't know what to say and shinsou wasn't sure if he should leave or go visit you for their lunch break.

"i'll go drop this off to them-"

"no." bakugo practically growled, "i'll drop it off. go get eat your lunch or i'll make your face an eye bag."

shinsou flushed a bit in embarrassment. he was overstepping, of course he was. for a minute, having you all to himself for nearly a week straight made him forget about the relationship you were in and this was a smack of reality. you weren't his. you were in a relationship with others, other people who could give you nearly double what he could - everything he couldn't.

handing bakugo the drink, shinsou stalked away to the cafeteria, his cheeks still a light shade of pink. bakugo sighed and knew he most likely made things worse, and he came there originally to make things right.

but fate will work itself out. and what will be, will be.

- so... maybe sending bakugo wasn't the best idea ... 🧍🏽‍♀️

- because now, shinsou started avoiding you. when the two for you worked on your projects together, he would remain mostly silent and only input his opinion when he thought of an idea or needed help putting something together. you had no idea why and you honestly felt a little hurt that he ignored you as easily as breathing.

- you brought this up to your lovers on your weekly cuddle session, knowing they would have brought up your downpour attitude either way. what you didn't notice as your face was burried in denki's sweater were the glares they all were throwing at bakugo.

- "yeah, i wonder what happened..." sero smiled, though obviously strained, as he pet your head and told you shinsou was probably just going through something.

- and it was obvious you were hurt that shinsou had suddenly stopped talking to you because honestly it was kind of hard for you to make friends. a lot of people assumed you thought you were higher than everyone else because you were dating five students from the top hero course, but that obviously is far from the truth.

- anyways, a long time goes by and the two of you still haven't rekindled anything and the squad is getting a bit frustrated because hello??? join our cult lover circle ?????

- so the squad comes up with another solution and this time they don't send bakugo to collect shinsou

- they learned their mistake last time.

- anyways

- so sero goes and gets shinsou and tells him you need him for a little last touch of the project since it was near the due date and you wanted to make sure it was perfect. and shinsou agrees to meet up with you and follows sero.

- sero takes him into an empty classroom and it's pitch black. the windows have been covered with tape and all the lights are off. before he could ask what the hell was going on, the door slams shut and the lights suddenly turn on and shinsou's blinded for a moment.

- and he's met with a very interesting sight.

- mina, kaminari, and kirishima are standing in front of him with sunglasses and hats on, their arms are crossed and they have a blank look on their faces (though he can tell kaminari is about to burst into laughter and nearly does but kirishima jabs him in his side.)

- "uhh..."

- "shut up, eye bags." bakugo calls from behind him. he's leaning against the door with his arms crossed and an obviously pissed off look on his face.

- sero is just standing next to him with a 'sorry pal' kind of smile.

- "what is-"

- "what are your intentions with, y/n?" kaminari shouted suddenly as he slammed his hand on a nearby desk.

- "denki- no." mina pushed him back lightly, "that's not what-"

- "did you not listen last night, sparky?" bakugo rolled his eyes and scoffed lightly.

- kaminari shyly scratched his cheek, "i might have fellen asleep-"

- "he did." sero confirmed, "he drooled on me and everything.

- "I do not drool!!"

- "yes you do, it was like a waterfall, 'ki. "

- "no i don't, right kiri?"

- "well.. only a few drops.."

- "WHAT?! and none of you told me?!"

- "well, y/n kind of made us promise not to tell..."

- "SPEAKING OF Y/N," mina interjected into the conversation, her fingers rubbing at her temples as she wondered when she became the rational one, that was bakugo's job, "why don't we stick to the script, boys."

- kirishima slung an arm over her shoulder and pressed a kiss to her cheek, "sorry, princess."

- "right." sero turned to shinsou and crossed his arms, "you have feelings for them don't you?"

- shinsou tensed. his mind was still trying to comprehend the conversation that happened just a few seconds ago and processing the fact that kaminari drools in his sleep. he wasn't sure how to respond.

- of course he had feelings for you, any rational person who came into contact with you would catch feelings. it was part of your natural charm that seemed to effortlessly draw people in and never let them go. in a matter of minutes, you had simultaneously become his best friend and his closest confidant. often at night he cursed himself for catching feelings for you when things were perfect just the way they were.

- but shinsou couldn't help it. you had treated him like a normal person and weren't apprehensive about his quirk. you gave him a taste of normalcy in his world of anxieties and judgement, and he craved more and more the more time he spent with you.

- so dispte wanting to desparately scream 'yes, i do love her' at the top of his lungs, he looked down at the ground, "no. . . i . . i don't."

- "liar."

- bakugo seethed behind him.

- shoving himself off the wall he was leaning on, bakugo walked closer and closer to shinsou as he spoke, "don't lie. we all see the way you look at them, the way your stupid face lights up with a small smile when they're with you or the airy chuckle you give when they do one of those stupid dances when they make food and-"

- "OK OK I GET IT!" shinsou snapped. mina jumped slightly in kirishima's arms and shinsou sent her a small apologetic look, "you know! I'm in love with them! i've been. . ." he trailed off before collapsing into a chair behind him, his head hanging back and staring into the bright flourescent lights hanging from the ceiling.

- "i've been trying to distance myself from them, to make getting over them easier."

- "they've been hurting, y'know."

- shinsou groaned and hid his face in his hands, "i know. you think i don't see the looks they give me when i avoid them in the halls? it hurts knowing i'm the reason they're in pain."

- "so why are you doing it?"

- "because they have you guys," shinsou sighed as it if we're the most obvious thing in the world, "you all could love them a lot more than i ever could alone. plus, they're so happy with you, i couldn't be the reason to disturb that."

- "you gotta be fucking kidding me." bakugo growled and pinched the bridge of his nose.

- kaminari snorted, "i think i just got deja vu."

- "you could say that again," mina sighed, "i'm heading back to the dorms, this is giving me a headache."

- with his arm still slung over her shoulder, kirishima agreed, "yeah, not sure how we didn't see this from the beginning. i'll walk you back, princess."

- shinsou only stared blankly as mina and kirishima left the room with kaminari in tow, complaining about getting some math work done. never in his life did he feel as confused as he did now

- lost. mans was lost..

- someone get him a map and help him please

- they acted as if they hadn't been the ones to literally kidnap him

- only to nonchalantly walk out the door?????

- sero's voice snapped him back to the remaining two people in the room, "you two really are a match made in heaven." sero smiled at him and shinsou felt head rise in his cheeks, whether it be from embarassment or something else, he didn't know.

- "i'll see you two around" and then he left, leaving shinsou alone with bakugo, who had yet to realease the bridge of his nose from his pinch.

- "you're both a pair of dumbasses."

- "i'm offended-"

- "y/n said the same fucking thing when we confronted them."

- shinsou stayed silent.

- "they felt like their presence would ruin the routine we had set a long time ago when we first started our relationship. . . sound familiar?"

- shinsou rubbed the back of his neck and opened his mouth to speak, but bakugo interrupted.

- "shut up, eye bags, i'm not finished."

- "i dIdNt eVEn sAy aNyTHiNg"

- "sure there were some things we had to adjust to include them in our schedule and a whole new bundle of emotions to incorporate into our lives; but the while point of a relationship is to open up slowly and learn to trust the ones you love. and eventually, we all learned to trust them the same way they learned to trust us; but trust isn't something you can learn over night. it's gradual."

- bakugo sighed, how in the hell did he get stuck in this situation again. at the very least no one got injured this time, "what I'm trying to say is, if y/n makes you happy, then we're all willing to let you in our relationship and put our trust in you.

- "will you put your trust in us?"

- how dramatic ˙ ͜ʟ˙

- so

- :) shinsou decides, fuck it. i deserve the good things in life, and he puts his trust in the squad the same way they all put their trust in him.

- and they decided it was a good time to surprise you too and kill two birds with one stone :)

- so you walk in to bakugo's dorm after a long day of school. you were returning from turning in your project with shinsou, and while the teacher had given you many compliments and basically secured your A, you still felt a bit sad knowing it would be the last time you would see shinsou since your schedules didn't collide and you had ended on a . . . confusing note.

- so you were just looking to cuddle with your lovers on a Friday night and wallow away in your sadness.

- when you walked in the group had been piled in their natural spots on bakugo's bed. mina was giggling with kaminari as they scrolled through tiktok, bakugo was reading a book you had reccomend to him a while a go, sero and kirishima were softly play fighting as they laughed and chuckled.

- everything was as it should be

- until you got to where your spot usually was, cradled between bakugo's warm and firm chest and mina's plush thighs and stomach, and it was occupied by someone else.

- everyone stopped what they were doing, as they watched a smile pull at your lips when you recognised the disheveled pruple hair lazily sprawled in your spot. everyone watched with bated breath as they waited for your reaction and small smiles of their own shining through as they watched your interaction.

- you lifted your hand and smacked shinsou's knee that had been raised up slightly as one of his arms lay behind his head and the other fiddled with a bracelet around mina's wrist, and his lips pulled into a lazy smirk of his own as he watched you.

- "get up, fat head, you're in my spot."

- his smirk only grew.

- "do something about it, hero."

see my pinned post to join my taglist (^ム^)

[bi-han-simp]

Heather

This is loosely based on the song “Heather” by Conan Gray

italics are flashbacks

Jotaro x Reader

y/n pov 

I had always been best friends with Jotaro ever since we were just kids. We were each other's very first friend, well we were each other's first for a lot of things. I remember when we were just young kids he would always stick up for me, especially when people much bigger than me would pick on me. Jotaro was always so sweet when we were still young kids. He was always so lively and freely showed his emotions. 

I had mentioned before that we were each other's firsts for a few things, and our first kiss was included. We were curious about what it would feel like, but I guess it was a mistake for us to take part in doing so. If only we didn't share each other's first kiss, maybe i would've never had feelings for him.

 I remember the kiss like it was yesterday, we were 14 at the time. I was staying at the Kujo’s home for the weekend because my parents had to go on a business trip. To the Kujo’s I was practically family so they accepted letting me stay for the weekend. I had been scared of staying in one of the guest rooms for the night, so Holly let me stay the night in Jotaro’s room with him. We had been facing each other, just joking about some stupid things people did in class earlier. 

“Hey Jojo, have you had your first kiss yet?” i had asked out of curiosity not exactly knowing what his answer would be. 

“No not yet, you?” he answered like it was nothing but i had a rosy blush starting to form on my face when he asked the same thing. I only shook my head in response, somewhat embarrassed that I still haven't kissed anyone yet. If i'm being honest i'm surprised Jotaro hasn't either. 

“Maybe we could practice..you know so our real first kiss will be just perfect!” i smiled brightly knowing if we just practiced our first kiss on each other, our true first kiss with that special someone will be just perfect!

“I mean I don't see why not?” Jotaro soon had a blush forming on his cheeks, but was starting to sit up. I followed and we now sat criss cross in front of each other. “So how exactly do we do this..?” he asked slightly confused on where we should start. 

“I think we close our eyes, lean in, and Ta-da!” I made a big gesture as I spoke and watched Jotaro nod his head. We both started to lean in with our eyes closed, and before i knew it we both headbutted each other. 

“Ow! Jojo, your head felt like a rock!” I held onto my head with a small glare on my face towards him, who seemed to look away sheepishly and rubbing the back of his neck muttered a small apology. “It's okay, I was just over exaggerating anyway! B-but let's keep our eyes open until we make contact, alright?” I patted his shoulder and he just nodded in response. We kept our eyes open this time around and leaned in. before i knew it our lips were together and my eyes instinctively closed. One of Jotaro’s hands had been on my cheek while mine were both awkwardly placed upon my lap. The kiss felt like heaven on earth and I never wanted it to stop. I know this was just supposed to be an experiment experience, but this is making my heart beat like crazy. 

The kiss lasted for a few more seconds before Jotaro had pulled away. We had both just stared into each other's eyes, me looking into his beautiful ocean like teal, and my e/c ones. I don’t think he wanted the kiss to end that quickly and neither did I, so I think he saw the look as a signal for us to kiss again. We both leaned in once more, but this kiss was longer than the last. This was more loving and meaningful. Like this was a true first kiss with that special someone. 

It was a mistake for us to share our first kiss, but i don’t regret bringing up the idea of it. 

After a few years Jotaro seemed to be distant towards everyone, including his mother who i believe is an Angel walking the earth. We might've been distant, but we were still best friends. We still hung out with each other almost everyday and would still have sleepovers at each other's homes. 

I still think about the time when his mother was on her deathbed and we had to leave for Egypt. Jotaro didn’t want me to tag along because he thought it would be too dangerous for someone who didn't have a stand, but I always kept it a secret that I had one. He was a bit ticked when i told him, but he just brushed it off and we set off to find DIO. We fought a couple stand users and started to stay in a hotel located in Singapore. I remember the exact date this happened. It was the 3rd of December. 

“I’ll share a room with Jotaro if that's alright with everyone!” I smiled and looked at him and the rest of the group for confirmation. They all seemed fine with it. This was gonna be the old times. We soon split up to our designated rooms and I unlocked the door to reveal the two queen sized beds. 

“I call this one!” I called out and jumped onto the bed closest to the bathroom. I laid with my stomach flat against the bed, happy I didn't hear Jotaro complaining about it. I felt the bed dip and moved my head to the side to see Jotaro sitting down. I moved to sit on my knees and tugged gently on his long jacket. 

“Jojo, could i try on your jacket?” i don't remember the last time i saw him without his jacket, it seemed to be like his second skin. He didn’t give much of a response, more so just mumbling something under his breath as he took it off and laid it on the bed. I got off the bed and put on the long jacket. It was too big for me, the bottom of it dragging on the floor. 

“So, how do i look?” I didn't really expect a nice answer from him, but I wasn't expecting what he said. 

“It looks better on you,” he gave me a rare smile and patted the top of my head, “maybe when we get back to Japan we will get you a matching one.” i only nodded my head with a slight blush rising on my cheeks. Being his childhood friend definitely had his perks. 

Everything he did at that point made my heart flutter, it felt like it was about to explode. I really thought he saw me as much more than just a childhood friend. But I was wrong. 

A couple more years went by, we were now 20. Jotaro went off to America to study Marine Biology while I stayed in Japan. He would call me often, every day actually. We would talk about the stress that school was giving us, and the fun activities we did. Most of the time our calls consisted of Jotaro rambling about how interesting all the marine life was. I laid back and listened, truly happy as I listened to the love of my life talk about what made him happy. 

One call was different though. It was the call where he told me he proposed to an american woman named Heather. I had to put on a mask but I couldn't believe that Jotaro was getting married to a woman neither his family or i had met. I told him how happy I was for him. I didn't want him to hear how broken-hearted I was over the phone. Once the call ended I don't remember how long I sobbed for. 

It felt like all the moments we shared together were just out of a friendly bond. There was love behind all of it, just not the kind of love I wanted it to be. 

I stood next to Jotaro as his best man figure. I held back all the tears I had when Jotaro said how nervous he was. I reassured him that she was the perfect woman for him. Our conversation was cut short when the wedding march started to play. 

I wanted to strangle Heather as she walked down the aisle, but I couldn't deny how beautiful she looked. Everything about her was perfect. She was the second kindest person i’ve ever met, she was drop dead gorgeous, and she managed to get Jotaro to fall in love with her. 

I wanted to hate her so much, but my love for Jotaro’s happiness overpowered all my hateful thoughts. I was happy for him. So happy that he found happiness after all the events of Egypt. I was never able to get him out of his lowest slumps, so I envy you Heather. I really do. Please cherish him as much as i do. I wish I were you Heather. 

That was the happiest I had seen Jotaro in a long time. Maybe even the happiest i've even seen him. His wedding soon became the second happiest I've seen him, when he had a child on the way. I was completely over the moon when I was going to be the Godparent of their first born child. 

I had waited outside the delivery room holding onto Holly’s hand in anticipation. I was supposed to be in Japan studying, but who cares about schooling when your best friend is having a daughter. Me and Holly both stood up as soon as we saw Jotaro enter the hallway. It was finally time to meet the beautiful daughter him and Heather created. 

Holly was first to enter due to this being her very first grandchild. She was cradling her with tears falling down. To her it was just like holding Jotaro all over again. 

I was next to hold her. I rocked her back and forth in my arms and looked to Heather, “what's her name?” 

“Jolyne.” she said with a tired smile on her face. She must've been exhausted, so i didn't ask any further questions.

“Jolyne..” i said softly, as i used the back of my finger to caress her small cheeks, “such a beautiful name for a beautiful girl.” She was absolutely gorgeous, just like both of her parents. 

“I love you Jolyne..” I whispered softly as I saw a couple tears falling onto the swaddle. 

As I look back on the moments I shared with Jotaro, I realized I was just a side character. I might've been helplessly in love with someone who saw me as just a friend, but that doesn’t make me love him any less. Thank you Heather for making him happy. I wish i could’ve been you, even for just a moment. 

[amaya-chwan]

Therapy Game Restart Discussion: Who is Onodera?

Hello everyone! Hope you are all well~ ❤️💛💜 I've had a headscratcher of an ask/message regarding Onodera, so I figured I'll make it into one big post!

Before I begin this Q&A/discussion post (feel free to comment below if you have any thoughts), I have looked through past chapters to gather the information I will put into this post to support my predictions. Not all chapters are readily available for everyone at the moment as only one volume of TGR is out right now, so I shall put the chapter numbers for your future reference! ⚠️ Also, just a note! These opinions are my personal thoughts, conjectures, and opinions, so please don't think I am saying one idea or speculation is wrong--this is just how I see it, and of course I could very well be wrong! And I also am not fluent in Japanese, so I may have some translation errors!

⚠️ Also, a warning, this will be a long post! Keep reading if you're interested and please let me know your own thoughts!

First, in an earlier ask, I was directed to a translation group that said Onodera is a man. With the help of Google and Google Translate (because I don't understand/speak Spanish), I found that post (dated April this year) and the origin of the picture they used in that post. The image is from Hinohara-sensei's 13th August 2020 tweet here and is also below for reference:

Now, all I can remember from first seeing that image is "Woow, so pretty! A female character? A love rival? A threat? OH it's the infamous director they're all talking about???"

This image was released around the time chapter 8 was released, i.e. the first chapter we see Onodera in full.

Looking at the image again, I can see how Onodera could be seen as a female or a male. Onodera has long hair, yet no visible breasts. There is no evidence of an Adam's apple, but that could just be because of the turtleneck as part of their outfit. Furthermore, in chapter 13, we see a view of Onodera from behind. There are no "womanly curves" visible in this view of Onodera.

After searching some Japanese blogs, some fans also had the same thoughts: no breasts = possible male, the shape of the face etc. Here are the blogs I found: [1] [2] [3] but most of these are from around chapter 8.

Just about the breast argument: there are a lot of different shapes for breasts. I learnt that when working at a department store selling bras during university. It is possible that Onodera is really flat chested or just has very little breast tissue. Not sure if that's getting too technical now, ahah, but what I want to say is that the lack of breasts isn't a definite yes to Onodera being a man.

Hinohara-sensei also has not explicitly stated throughout TGR so far (ch1-13) that Onodera is male or female.

From chapters 8-12, Onodera is always referred to as 院長 (director) by Shizuma and the nurses at the clinic. No gender-specific pronouns have been used in the story nor by any characters to refer to Onodera when speaking so far (that I have read). So confirming Onodera's gender is just misleading at the present moment.

We do find out in chapter 9 that Onodera's first name is 昌 akira. Akira is a gender neutral name in Japan. It is often given to males, but it is not uncommon for females to have this name. Which, I think, is genius on Sensei's part. It leaves us all thinking!

Q: So Amaya-chwan, what do you think Onodera's gender is?

Just for me as I've been reading TGR the past 1.5 years, I see Onodera as a woman as I have been "encouraged" to see Onodera as one by the little subtleties in the story, and Minato sees Onodera as a female, so I probably am viewing Onodera in Minato's POV.

(Please keep reading on for more insights and answers to questions! Really, this post is long! 😅)

In chapter 9, Onodera's older brother, who is also Shizuma's university professor (and his last name is not Onodera), makes small talk with Shizuma regarding the staff at his placement:

Shizuma's professor says: By the way, Shizuma-kun, how've you been!? You haven't been bullied, have you!? // The female team here is scary, right~ You know, Nakajou-kun and I were in the same grade...

So here, I'm made to think Onodera's clinic is pretty much all female, including Onodera too.

Fun fact: His professor uses the suffix -kun for Nakajou-sensei, yet Nakajou-sensei is a female and -kun is commonly used for males these days. But, it is also used for females in very specific situations. I'm not too sure what the situations are, but I have heard them used for females before.

In the same chapter (9), while Shizuma is changing out of his scrubs in the men's locker (?) room, Onodera walks in. He is slightly flustered, and kindly reminds her that she's walked into the men's locker room. Her reaction is "Huh? Ahh..." So here, again, I am made to believe Onodera is female.

While no gender-specific pronouns have been used to address Onodera, Minato and Itsuki have referred to Onodera as a female in chapter 13.

The kanji for "female/woman" is 女. In these two images, Minato refers to Onodera as 上司の女 female superior, and from Minato's story, Itsuki hence calls her 職場の女の人 female from (Shizuma's) workplace. This is the only time Onodera has been referred to as a female.

⚠️ Just a note going forward in this discussion, I will now call Onodera "she/her" as that is what I believe Onodera's gender is at the present moment!

Now, I did get a second ask from an Anon! Here they are below with my responses:

This one is about what's behind Onodera. I think she's a pretty interesting character. I actually think she's a trans woman or a non-binary trans woman. Sensei has been dropping so many hints to that... The name her brother calls her might be her dead name. He complains about her hair and what their father would say. She's designed to have flat breasts, perhaps she's not under hormone therapy, perhaps her "trips" and "days off" have something to do with reassignment surgeries...

She most definitely is an interesting character. I wouldn't say Onodera being transgender is out of the realm of possibility because the story is still ongoing. But regarding her name, I don't know if I'd call it a dead name since it is gender neutral already. Perhaps the kanji for a male Akira name would be different to a female one though?

About the hair comment (ch10), I just thought it was unruly? I honestly didn't think too much of it! What I will add is that the kanji for hair (髪) is used, but the reading is あたま head. Not sure why just yet, so I'll just leave that here as some extra information for the moment.

Not sure what I really think about a) her flat-chestedness and b) her insanely long business trips yet! I figured a) might be a character design, and b) she really is a top-notch veterinarian so she's probably in high demand. But I could be completely off the mark!

Also, I don't know where to add this random bit in from the story, but in chapter 12, we find out that Onodera has been calling one of the staff the wrong name for more than 10 years now. Not sure if this new piece of info affects anything?

But again, that is a very interesting prediction/thought you have about Onodera, and I wouldn't say it's not possible!

She's kind of a female Minato, psychologicallly and in appearance, which brings some challenges. And one more thing that I think hints to that: "I'll make it so your body can never be satisfied by any woman", Minato says to Shizuma. As the last chapter leaves it at that, we don't know exactly what he is talking about. [spoiler?] I haven't seen the Japanese text yet to be sure if he's clear about topping Shizuma.

That was exactly my thought when she was first introduced! That's part of the reason why I think Minato sees her as a threat, especially when he saw her for the first time and was told she is a 美人beautiful person (both in chapter 12). She and Minato definitely share some characteristics, but I find she's a bit more socially-awkward than Minato given her background (Chapter 9 & 10).

For the dialogue, the Japanese lines and the most literal translations I can give are:

今から　静真くんを抱く From now, (I'll) hold/embrace you, Shizuma-kun.

どんな女に出会っても　絶対満足できない体にしてあげる No matter the women you encounter, I will make it so your body definitely cannot be satisfied (by any of them).

Hopefully we'll find out what Minato means by that exactly in the next chapter, which I hope comes to me this week!

But if that's what he's talking about, it's 1. poor Minato being transphobic (besides being biphobic towards his own boyfriend)* 2. poor Minato probably foreshadowing his own fall. If Onodera happens to be a woman with a d**k, she can do whatever Minato thinks a cis man only can do. That's not what will make Shizuma stay by his side. Shizuma will stay by his side because he loves Minato. And that's that. Debunks biphobic myths, debunks transphobic myths. *He's not a bad person, he's got issues

Okay, this is probably as straight-forward as I can say this, but I just want to say that I don't know enough about the issues faced by the LGBTQI+ community. My friends have kindly answered all my questions so far as I don't want to be ignorant or rude when learning more about my friends and the community. I don't want to give off the air that I'm assuming anything since I don't want any misunderstandings. And I am fully aware that I need to educate myself more regarding this!

So about Minato, I'm not completely sure what you mean by number 2. But he definitely has his share of trauma, insecurities, and fears regarding his relationship with Shizuma. Having Onodera as a threat in this story really helps drive Minato's growth. The story is titled Therapy Game Restart, so what I gather from the title is that Minato is going to face another fear/insecurity he has, something deeply-rooted in him, and it's going to get really heavy and complicated, but he will eventually get through it and it will help him heal and grow as a character, and hopefully strengthen his faith in his relationship with Shizuma.

So far, I believe this "fear" is carrying on from +Play More, that Shizuma can be whisked away by a female at any moment.

But yes, Minato has to realise for himself that his and Shizuma's love, relationship, and bond is strong enough for him to not worry about Shizuma leaving him so abruptly. He has to learn to trust in Shizuma more, and TGR is slowly revealing that, especially in chapter 13.

I'll stop here. I have already written long analyses on this series and I think about making them public at some point. But it would be nice to hear from you! Maybe I'm completely wrong in my interpretations! I'm really sorry for being so annoying and maybe using inappropriate language. I really didn't mean to bother you. But I never see anyone making these points. I just want to know if I'm thinking unreasonably...

I love reading different analyses, opinions, story predictions, the whole lot!! So please feel free to ask me or post your own ideas. It's always a welcome thing for me to discuss stories and learn new things! Don't be sorry that you're being a bother or annoying, because it's not a bother at all!

We're all allowed to have our own ideas and opinions about stories, and these ideas will change once something is canon in the story, and ultimately is something we will have to accept too.

So yeah, just my two cents. Thank you for being so patient with my response, dear Anon!

To anyone reading at this point, thank you for reading this far! ❤️💛💜

I shall see you in our next set of takeaways~ As always, stay safe and take care of yourselves and your loved ones! 💜

(2021-05-17: Speedy proofreading is done ahah! And yes, my brain is still so full of 山河令/Word of Honor right now, so I have been VERY distracted! Highly recommend this drama, guys! It's up for free on the official Youku Youtube page! Totally not an endorsement, but I love this drama! AHHHHH!! Gong Jun [Simon] be living on my mind rent free~)

[slightlyaggressiveaffirmations]

Can I request an affirmation saying it's OK to ask for and receive extensions (as an accommodation)? One of my professors is not allowing me to have extensions on some assignments (and maybe being rude) but my other professor is allowing me to have them (so far at least but I have had them before and they know more about my disabilities). I haven't reached out to disability services at my college yet, though. I haven't figured out how to phrase an email and not make it seem like I am whining....

Hello Anon!

It’s 9000% OK to ask for and recieve extensions. Entirely and completely and if your professor would like to continue being a fucking ass about it, they are welcome to take it up with me, The Slightly Aggressive Affirmer and Exceptionally Belligerent Disability Advocate.

But also, let me tell you a thing, Anon.

I fucking HATE the word “whining” - not that I’m blaming you for using this word. Maybe I hate it because I had a boyfriend that used to accuse me of whining all the time. But, let’s stop and think about this word for a moment.

What does it mean? It means complaining about something. Or perhaps complaining about it in a way that is “annoying” or “excessive”. Well, who the fuck gets to decide whether we’re being “annoying”? Or our complaints are “excessive”?

Very often it’s the one being complained about, isn’t it? And why should they be given that right? Why should the subject of the complaint be allowed to put down a value judgement about the way we make the complaint? Why should they be allowed to decide whether the complaint is valid or made in a way that they don’t find annoying or inconvenient? It’s different if the complaint is abuse - like if you swear at them or make threats. But it’s not fair for the subject of the complaint to have this power otherwise.

When we suspect ourselves of whining, we’re buying into that judgement that we know the person or group we’re complaining about is going to put onto us. If you are worried that your email will seem like whining - who will think you are whining? The disability services staff? Are you concerned that they will find your complaint to be annoying? Or inconvenient for them? Or unnecessary? You know what - too fucking bad if they do!!! Because it is their fucking job to help you and if they find doing their job to be an imposition, that’s THEIR PROBLEM, not yours.

Any email that you write to disability services telling them that you require extensions because of your disability - and that your professor is not granting them - will be perfectly reasonable. Not whining - just saying that you have a problem that falls within their job description and you’d like their help. Be polite, of course, because our default should always be to be polite and kind. But don’t feel like you’re being a problem or causing an inconvenience by asking someone to do what they are paid to do - YOU MATTER AND YOU DESERVE THE ASSISTANCE YOU ARE ENTITLED TO!!!

Friends, we need to either stop using “whine” or rehabilitate it as a good thing. How often do you hear it in a positive context?

“And if you have any problems with this product, please direct them to our Whining Department via our 1800 number.”

“Due to a large amount of whining, the network have decided to pull the offensive episode from future broadcast.”

“This is an outrage! Let’s all go and whine to our local elected representative in order to force change!”

“Whine” is a word to silence us. “Whine” is a word of disrespect - it means that someone doesn’t care, doesn’t want to hear what you have to say, doesn’t give a fuck about your problem. Using “whine” instead of “complain” inherently says “your complaint doesn’t matter”.

YOUR COMPLAINT MATTERS!!! It matters to YOU!!! And fuck everyone who says that’s not important. If you use the word whine because people have got inside your head and made you feel like you don’t matter - that’s not your fault and I’m not attacking you. I love you, I think you matter, and I want you to feel like you and your problem matters too. So please try to remember, you are never whining. You are asking for help, complaining, giving feedback, expressing pain, fear, sadness or any other valid emotion. Maybe you’re just venting.

Good for you!!!