#if there’s typos or weird sentences in this… ignore that I’m too tired to proofread this whole thing

[mitternacht]

Who’s ready to talk about Rip’s touch aversion let’s go bitches

Under the cut for very long winded post and spoilers for up to UU chapter 178!

This is something I’ve been really wanting to talk about for some time and just haven’t had the energy but here we go !! (I couldn’t include all the images I wanted because of tumblr image limit but we’ll have to make do let’s use our imaginations together)

Throughout Loop 100, Rip has a very clear aversion to touching others except with intent to intimidate/kill and it showcases a lot of the fear he has for his negation ability, despite him eventually being able to control it enough to deactivate it on will. He avoids touching others as much as possible if he doesn’t want to actively harm them, and in cases where he does have to it’s because it’s the safest thing for the person he is touching.

For example, Rip’s debut arc where he’s carrying Latla because there’s not really another option in this case. They’re in the middle of the ocean with no land in sight.

Adding onto this, in Loop 100 he has a habit of keeping his hands inside his pockets when at rest that he doesn’t really showcase in Loop 101 at all. This makes me think that he views his hands as weapons, as something dangerous, and that it’s a subconscious habit he formed in an attempt to keep others around him safe. In his mind, Unrepair makes his hands good for nothing but killing. Which is so tragic, considering the fact that he’s a doctor and his hands were always meant to save lives, not take them.

Now obviously, this could just be a drawing/aesthetic choice to showcase the kind of person he is in Loop 100, and that he keeps his cards close to his chest for most of it, but along with everything else I really do think it has meaning.

Now one of the big scenes that really solidified this aversion to touching others was within the arc where Under takes Fuuko hostage. There’s a bit where Fuuko is making a run for it, and Rip is the first person to notice she was escaping. Instead of running to try and catch her himself, he relies on Latla and Kururu to stop her. Really strange, for someone who actively avoids relying on anyone and tries to do everything himself.

He seemed to care enough that Fuuko was escaping that he really tried to get others to stop her, but… couldn’t he have used Blade Runner here to catch up to her and grab her? With how quick the Artifact makes him, it should’ve been no problem for him to outpace her and stop her. He also makes no attempt to make a run for Fuuko after catching up to Kururu. Obviously there could be other explanations, like maybe he was secretly okay with letting her go, or he didn’t want to ruin the clothes he was wearing with the Artifact, or maybe it was too close of a space for him to use it.

But it seems to me that Rip wanted to avoid hurting her by making a grab for her, as we know he was already becoming attached to her at this point in time.

Now, obviously there’s a point after this in the Spring arc where Rip does attempt to kill Fuuko. But this wasn’t pre-meditated by any means, it wasn’t until he felt like they were completely out of options when it came to defeating Spring that he attempts to do this. He’s been shown to do absolutely anything he needs to in order to survive and continue pursuing his goal of getting Leila back, and while killing Fuuko may have been one of the very last things he wanted to do if it meant he could accomplish that goal, he would do it.

And in fairness, he does give up the idea of killing her very quickly once he’s talked out of it and told that they still had a chance against Spring.

I want to add that in the same arc, we have that really cute panel of Latla trying to kiss Rip.

Now, obviously he’s massively caught off guard by this, and their relationship in Loop 100 is just. Extremely complicated, and Rip doesn’t know how to deal with it. But that aside, the way his hands immediately fly up into the air and away from Latla, rather than pushing her away or anything along those lines is interesting to me. Again, it could be just him not knowing how to deal with the situation, but I think it’s worth noting that his first instinct is to pull his hands away from her and to not try to push her away, which has the (very small) potential to physically hurt her.

Now, moving on to Ragnarok, which I think has the most compelling showcase of Rip’s touch aversion. After he jumps in to save Lucy from Ruin, she can be seen clinging to him in this panel, and the way his hands pull away from her and the expression on his face says everything.

Rip is shown to be very good with kids in Loop 101, before Leila’s death, and I’m positive his first instinct here is to try and comfort Lucy by rubbing her head or something along those lines, but he had to stop himself and his hands are held very awkwardly away from her like he had to very quickly pull them away when she got too close. And the sad/longing expression he has on his face here… He was always meant to be someone who helps and comforts people, that’s who he really is at his core, it’s in his nature, and no matter what he does that’s never going to go away. And that also manifests itself in this aversion to touch, whether he’s actively aware of it or not.

And all of that makes this moment with Latla mean so much more.

This is the first time Rip has been shown to hold her for a reason that isn’t practical or rational, but simply out of affection, and comfort, and love. This is something that is so desperately needed by both of them at this moment that even if just for a few seconds, it allows them to forget about everything but each other. For just a few seconds, Rip isn’t pulling away from her in an effort to keep her safe, because he knows that this was the most powerful and meaningful thing he could do for Latla in the moment. And that she needed it more than she needed him to keep her safe.

But… well, we know how this arc ends. In horrible tragedy despite everything.

Anyways!

Onto Loop 101, shall we?

One of the very first panels we see of Rip in Loop 101 is this one, and it’s such a day and night difference in how he physically interacts with those around him.

He’s continually shown to be a very physically affectionate person in Loop 101, and it seems to be his go to method to comfort others.

(I hit image limit so just bear with me for the rest of this)

In Loop 101 he doesn’t seem to have the same habit of resting with his hands in his pockets, instead usually having them folded, on his hips, or just at his sides even after manifesting Unrepair in this loop. His hands are still seen as tools used for healing, and he doesn’t have the same deep-set idea of them being dangerous to those around him.

And sharing Blade Runner with Latla is just all around such a huge step for his character, the closeness when they fight from this point forward means so much for him even on top of the physical symbol of Rip finally allowing her to share his burden. The intimacy of fighting back to back also… the trust they have in each other is off the goddamn charts.

Going forward in Loop 101 as well, he still seems to be much more comfortable with physical touch even after gaining Unrepair, which is thanks to him no longer having that association of death and pain with the ability.

And this gives him a very unexpected parallel to Fuuko, in a sense. He has very obvious parallels with Andy, but the similarities he shares with Fuuko are definitely present as well and I think lends to how quickly he ends up getting attached to her. Both Rip and Fuuko have negation abilities that range from dangerous to outright deadly for those around them, and they both display touch aversion because of this, although Rip is willing to use his ability to harm/kill others if needed. Obviously Fuuko has it worse with the unpredictability of her ability, but it’s an interesting parallel for the two of them.

All of that to say!

It’s such a small detail added to Rip’s character mostly in the background of all these big scenes, and it goes unspoken but it adds so much to him and really lets his true nature shine through, even when he’s trying so hard to repress it. And to add another disclaimer, obviously all of these individual scenes could be interpreted a completely different way, but putting it all together along with the context of who Rip is and the way he views his negation ability, it means something to me at least.

Anyways. Thanks for coming to my ted talk if you made it this far you’re a real one. Appreciate Rip or else.

[b4kuch1n]

23° off-kilter on the carpet

Here’s the ported version of the Sleep Deprivation Fic (actually most of my fics are sleep deprivation fics because of who I am as a person, but that’s beside the point) just to follow the principle that all of my stuff should have a post on this blog. As of this moment, only mildly proofread because I spotted errors and typos while refreshing the AO3 page repeatedly for an extended period of time.

In which Todd walks in on Dirk laying on the office’s floor, and things go mild from there. 

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Read on AO3

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Dirk was on the floor when Todd arrived at the office. 

Okay, it was less frightening than it sounded. All three of the office’s employees end up on the floor semi-frequently because things just happen to them now apparently, and Todd can count on one hand the amount of times it was anything actually serious. More bad things happen to them while they’re just out walking than when they lay down on the office’s floor, if he’s counting correctly and not just blacking out the terrible parts. It’s refreshing that there’s one thing in their life now that’s not lethal.

Well, that’s not really fair; their life isn’t that bad. It’s just weird. Todd doesn’t mind weird, he’s just deeply branded with being a normal asshole, and now being a weird helper feels… weird. 

Anyway: yes, coming into the office to find one of your partners and friends on the floor would be alarming, if this weren’t Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency, and the person on the floor weren’t Dirk, or he were in a more curled up position if it were still him. Dirk’s reactions to bad stimuli and pain, like his sense of style and his bounciness and anything good about him really, are hard-earned and curated, so he’s entitled to letting them run their course, so if he’s in physical pain Todd will get to know. They’ve had that worked out pretty early into their professional dealings. Dirk likes to have conversations, unless he doesn’t. 

Todd has always thought Dirk is a straightforward person once one knows him. People never share his opinion on this, which is weirder than weird, because c’mon: it’s gonna take a lot of actual trying to outdo Todd when it comes to being terrible at people. 

Anyway ; Dirk laying on the floor: not weird. Has happened before, in fact. 

Todd checked the ceiling with a glance just to make sure nothing was tacked on there again (the ceiling was the usual blank cream), and then went to throw his laptop bag onto the couch. “We haven’t swept the floor in, uh, a week,” he said, just to throw it out there. 

Dirk caught it. “Jackets can be dry cleaned.” 

That was more curt than Todd’s used to. 

He came to stand next to Dirk’s arm on the floor. “Sure, you do whatever with your clothes, but we should sweep the floor at least. It’s the,” he checked his phone, “17th.” 

Dirk looked up at him with bleary eyes. 

Todd sighed. “Look, I’m not— I couldn’t care less about dusty carpet, I’m not gonna lie to you, but I don’t wanna disappoint Farah. She’s gonna be tired when she comes back, and if we wanna make our celebration seems genuine we’re gonna have to take care of the minute details too.” 

“Like dusty carpets,” Dirk mumbled. 

“Yeah,” Todd confirmed, crossing his arms in a valiant effort to mimic even a corner of Farah’s authority. 

They stared at each other for a moment, before Dirk looked away and muttered, “Day’s still long.” 

Todd sat down on the floor. He made a face as he lifted the hand he used to support himself on the way down. “Wow— okay, it’s dustier than I thought. It’s like— did we even sweep up after the Buzzer? We didn’t. Of course we forgot. Yeah, so… that’s not just seven days of normal dust—” 

“Please just… give me a minute,” Dirk cut him off, with a noticeable effort to be louder this time, and Todd took a deep breath and looked at him, carefully. His limbs were spread out and stiff, like a straw figure’s. His jacket was slightly damp, and his tie seemed to have flopped into its current, crumpled position when he laid down. He didn’t even move his head when he talked to Todd just then. 

Todd laid down next to Dirk. 

They stayed like that for a minute, then Dirk asked, “Why are you on the floor?” 

“I’m giving you a minute,” Todd mumbled. “Why are you on the floor?”

“Feels like the right amount of impact on my senses,” Dirk replied. “Last time this happened I also laid on the floor, and afterwards the stupid thoughts went away, so I elected to repeat the conditions this time around. Science.” 

That didn’t sound entirely right, but Todd dropped out of college to play guitar for an alt band, so. “What’s the thoughts?” 

“Alright, on review, calling them ‘thoughts’ isn’t very correct, or useful to the conversation. They’re more… feelings. Multiple, numerous, of unidentified frequency, and not lending well to words and sentences.” 

“Okay,” Todd said, “that’s definitely a not-truth at some level.” 

Dirk blew a frustrated breath. “Can’t we let it be? I’m laying on the floor staring at the ceiling. This solution has no hole. The thoughts will go away in a few minutes.” 

Todd let the silence drop for a few seconds there, and then said, as calmly as he could ever be, “But they came back though.” 

They laid there on the ground for another minute as the silence covered them; Todd glued his eyes to the cream ceiling, resolute to not look at Dirk. He could feel Dirk move his arm, and the deep breaths Dirk took. He focused on regulating his own breathing as well; he tends to forget to inhale around Dirk. 

“I don’t feel like a man today,” Dirk said, after the silence was thick enough they could float up to its surface. 

Todd didn’t expect that; he whipped his head over to look at Dirk. Dirk had an arm over his eyes, but the rest of him was maybe even more still than before he spoke. He was expecting a reaction of some kind to his statement, which— okay, that’s how conversations happen, you say something and the other person reacts and you react to that. ‘Twas just that Dirk seemed to be gearing himself up to something negative, which Todd… didn’t know where to land himself with. He wasn’t sure if Dirk knew either. 

One of the conversations Dirk wasn’t thrilled about, then. 

Todd decided to start slow. “Okay, is that a… gender statement, a mood statement, or…?” 

“Mostly gender,” Dirk said immediately, as if he feared Todd would retract the buoy if he didn’t latch onto it fast enough. “I just… sometimes I will feel intensely not like a man. Not in the way that means I’m inadequate to be one, just that I’m not one? It is usually less intense than that, I can just ignore it, but every once in a while it will morph into almost an urge to… rewrite myself. To reshape everyone’s perception of me. Even if it means…” 

Todd cleared his throat when Dirk trailed off and didn’t seem to know how to pick the thread up again. “What’s it mean?” 

“I... “ Dirk swallowed. “Even if it means I’m not human.” 

Todd took a few seconds to process that. Once it was halfway swallowed and he had about two fingers of his brain under his control again, he pushed himself up into a sitting position to stare at Dirk. 

“Okay, that’s— I’m not--” He gestured like a halfway stringed marionette, and then dropped his arm uselessly down to his side when that didn’t clear anything up. “Can you— just. Walk me through it.” 

Dirk removed the arm he had on his eyes to squint at him. 

Todd brought both of his hands up again. “Dirk, you— that’s the least weird thing about you. Or anything. I can say that because this past year has been weird as all fuck, and I can say that because the thirty-two years before it were the exact opposite. Literally after all the shit that happened to us, that’s nothing. Well it’s not, it’s— it’s important to you, so it’s important to me too, and knowing it will change things, I’m sorry I said it’s nothing, it’s that it’s— not weird. ‘S just not.” 

“I’m a tiny bit hurt, thank you, apology accepted,” Dirk said, and his eyes were tracking Todd’s motions now, okay, “and that’s not. Well, it is a part of the point, but also I’m… not normal, am I.” 

“Uh,” Todd said. 

“On many levels. Most people don’t experience the things I do, and really, I haven’t met another person of my same profession. Which is because it is a unique position required by the Universe so as It could move Its pieces around, which I am fine with, I could get used to the excitement, but something… Maybe.” Dirk swallowed. “Can it be too much?” 

“I don’t— I don’t get it.” 

“I’m tailored to a purpose,” Dirk said, and once again he was staring at the ceiling. “A lot of the things I feel are already pumped into me by that. At some point it will dictate whether something about me is necessary or not, and I just… I’m not sure where that point is.” 

Todd could only do more staring while Dirk barreled on with his thoughts to where they were supposed to end up. 

“Maybe it’s already crossed that point,” Dirk said. “Maybe I’m just a tool to be used.” 

“That’s the Blackwing speaking,” Todd said, a bit too hastily, but he felt he needed to. Dirk just exhaled wearily. 

“I know. But they haven’t been wrong about everything…” 

“Dirk,” Todd said, more firmly this time. Dirk looked at him. “They don’t even understand how your thing works. They’re terrible at what they do. You don’t— you’ve lived that firsthand, I don’t even have to tell you all this.” 

It was his turn to take a deep breath now, as he looked at Dirk and Dirk looked back. 

“You showed me weird,” he continued. “The world is fucking weird. Time travel is real, soul is extractable, there’s an eighty-year-old child making whole dimensions with a wave of his hand, my sister’s a witch travelling with energy vampires, I’m sitting here on this dusty as fuck floor talking to you. A year ago I couldn’t even imagine doing that for anyone other than Amanda. We became friends, Dirk. All of that happened.” 

He grabbed Dirk’s hand. 

“You’re human. You’re both human and not-a-man, that’s about par-for-the-course with how weird this shit all is. Honestly, even a bit subpar.” 

“I cannot be spectacularly explosive and entertaining in all areas,” Dirk said. There was a wobbly smile on his lips. Todd let out a breath he wasn’t aware he was holding. “There has to be some specialization happening somewhere.” 

He sat up, a bit shaky, and Todd tugged on his hand. He initiated the hug. Todd couldn’t say he didn’t lean into it; things had been tense for a moment. 

“Thanks for coming out to me, by the way,” he said, just to not be an asshole. “It’s really good to know.” 

“It’s about time for it to happen,” Dirk shrugged into the hug. “It’s been one year already.” 

Todd smiled. “Happy one year of doing this, huh.” 

“Happy one year of doing this.” 

“We should sweep the floor”.