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seancekitsch · 4 years ago

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Out of the Rain: a Marko x Reader fic

Warnings: bloodplay goes without saying bc vamp, rough sex, dirty talk, semi public sex, telepathy?? me projecting my music taste on this fic again. drug use, fast and loose use of vampire lore bc when i write i am god and u cannot stop me. also can u tell i have like…. v clear descriptions of the setting like i used to work at the place im describing but its not in california

No one had come in for hours. What's the point of staying open? You dim some of the lights in the store, which is one of three head shops in Santa Carla, but the only one open late. You're not really sure why this is the only store that stays open, why everyone else if worried about the three am walk back to their car on a weekend night. You've never seen anything of suspicion, just sometimes that biker gang watches people shuffle out. That was almost comforting, though. People didn't like those guys, so no one would make you use your switchblade if they were around.

The bright while fluorescent lights of your typical daytime ambiance faded away, and now green light bathes you in the “mood” lighting your boss thought was a good idea. The green lighting reflects off of the glass counters, shining it back at the ceiling and making everything that much more green. It fits, you think with the overall vibe of the store. The stale scent of weed, gently and miserably covered up by some nag champa incense, always burning in at least four different spots within the store. You'd long since gotten used to the smoke in your eyes. The music does everything to add to the ambiance. You always have full control of the music in the shop, usually because no one else is willing to take the night shift in Santa Carla. In fact, most of the boardwalk shops had a revolving door of night shift workers. You never got why, something clearly spooks them that does not spook you. Whether that makes you brave or stupid, you dont know. Jefferson Airplane’s Surrealistic Pillow pumps through the speakers in the store. But I suppose no one knows, you're my plastic fantastic lover.

The rain batters the boardwalk outside, a roar much different than the typical hustle and bustle of drunk teens, of the cliques and crews that come in and out; the few that sit and snicker in the doorway, never entering. Some too afraid to be associated with the implication of being spotted in the shop. We sell jewelry and vinyl too, you always say, when they balk at the idea of being in the same room as a bong or incense.

But then there's the other group that stands and idles in the threshold, also not entering. It's that biker gang. Four guys, a girl, a kid. Maybe he’s the brat of the girl and the one who takes himself too seriously, but maybe not. She looks too young for that. They'd been hovering around quite a bit lately, always after dark. You’d spoken to them, at least the ones that are talkative. The hair metal wannabe and the cute short one. Paul and Marko. You knew the dark haired one was Dwayne, but all he ever offered you was a curt nod and a tight lipped smile, respectful but indifferent. They're nice, not worth the spooky reputation they have. Any time it's not just you at the shop, your boss tries to spook them away. Good thing your boss isn't here tonight, because one of them is prowling around the storefront in the rain. That is, if it's not your spliff induced haze playing tricks on you.

No, one of them is out there. Without his little pack. The cute one. Marko.

You walk over to the door, which you haven't had propped open since the rain trickled in as a drizzle at the beginning of your shift. At least he had enough sense to be huddling under the awning. Fuck, he’s handsome even when he looks like a drowned rat.

“What are you doing out here?” You scrunch up your nose as you ask.

“Y’know, waiting for you to show up.” Wanted a look at that cute ass.

You blink at him. Did he really just say that?

“Okay… well, you know it's raining out there, right?”

“I might,” he offers noncommittally, eyeing the spliff still in the hand that's not holding the door. If it were anyone but him, you'd probably get fired for it.

Why is he just hanging around out here? That's hella weird. His curls are getting matted to his forehead, slick with rain, his jacket starting to look a little sad.

“C’mon in, Marko. It’s too wet out here. You’ll fuck up your jacket.” You nod towards the interior of the shop holding the door open as he passes you.

Wrong move, sweet cheeks.

“What did you say?” What did he mean, wrong move?

“I didn't say anything,” he offers nonchalantly as he thumbs at one of the tapestries on the wall. A garish mess that’s supposed to be the worm from Alice in Wonderland, but it’s distorted by a botched tie dye job of dark muddy colors. Every time you look at it, you assume one of the day workers did it.

“No, you said something.”

“Do you want me to say something?” there's both a threat and an innuendo in his tone. Maybe you do, but you just laugh, a sharp exhale through your nose, and bring the spliff to your lips again as he follows you deeper into the store.

You jump up onto the counter next to the ash tray, easy reach for each time you need to ash.

“So why are you really here?” your eyes narrow at him, kicking your sandal off on the floor where it lands a few inches from his boots. He looks uneasy in the space, like for all the wild shit you assume he’s into, he might not actually belong in it. He sways a little to the music, perfectly in tune with the rhythm. You sway along too, and suddenly he fills the space like he belongs. He just needed someone along for the ride with him.

“Do you ever come around during the day, or just at night because I’m so fun?” You’re teasing him, but it’s a nice easy feeling between you.

“Not really a sun guy,” bullshit, he would look beautiful with a tan, “but I do drag everyone here just to see you.”

“Awww, all for me? Do you have a crush, Marko?”

It’s more than that. You hear the words clearly, but his smile doesn’t move. You kick the other sandal off.

“I can hear you, I don’t know how, but I can. I bet you can hear me too.”

I can. You’re wrong about the tan thing.

You straighten up, mind clearing as you blurt out your next question. Something absolutely stupid.

“So what are you, a vampire or something?” he laughs at you, but his big toothy smile doesn't reach his eyes. No, there's something predatory, extremely dark in his eyes. Otherworldly.

How could you guess?

“Well, that for one big fucking clue.” You ash the spliff for the final time, leaving the roach in the tray. You would think you’d be more surprised, more upset that you just found out vampires were real, and that you were in the same room as one. You have to say, weirder things are probably afoot in Santa Carla. Murder capital of the world can’t all be from some rowdy teens and a ten year old.

“You do those surf nazis?” is all that leaves your mouth. You kind of hope it was. They were the fucking worst. Racist, misogynistic, destructive. You’d had to threaten them a few times to leave your store on your shift.

“The—? Oh! Surf nazis. Yeah that was us. Ate a few of them.”

“Good for you. I mean— murder. bad. But they were nazis, and now they’re dead. so…” you trail off. Not really sure what to say next, but then you keep going. Remember everything you know about Marko.

“No, no I mean, it makes sense. Right? You and the guys only hang around at night. Aren’t vampires solitary hunters though? I don’t remember Dracula being in a frat.”

“They’re my pack. We take care of each other.” He says it with such fondness and devotion.

You feel a pang of jealousy run through you. You work alone for the most part, live alone, you’ve got friends but they’re all over the place. He belongs to something.

“And you're down with this?” he’s legitimately asking. You nod. You don't really have a choice, you're down or you get eaten, but like genuinely you are down with it. If he was going to eat you, he probably would have by now. There's probably a reason they've been hanging around the store, and in your sightline while you close up. You're putting things together.

“Like really?”

“Well, you haven't made me a kebab yet.”

He shrugs, frowns.

“Could still skewer you on something.”

Laughter erupts from your lips while you roll your eyes, music to Marko’s ears. This is why he took a shine to you, it's easy to get along with you, and you're not one of his brothers.

Something heavy falls in the room, and it's not the haze of the incense. He steps towards you, big blue eyes raking over your body, but always coming back to meet your gaze. He closes the space between you, easily fitting between your thighs; the rough patches of his jacket brushing against your bare skin where your shorts ride up. He leans in, like he's about to kiss you, and against all better judgement, you're going to let him.

You're going to let him.

The record skips. He holds out his hand, more like a gentleman than a biker gang killer, and helps you off the counter.

“Hold on, let me pick out a new record,” you turn without waiting for his confirmation, not at all surprised when Marko follows hot on your heels to the back room. Your boss’ office, the record room. Whatever you wanted to call it. His hands ghost over your arms as you push past the wooden bead curtain to enter the room. You can feel his presence close enough to touch. That's it, right where I want you. There’s his voice again.

He lets you actually pick out a new record. You slide it out of the sleeve and walk it over to the player. The static buzzes and pops as the needle finds the groove.

“Ocean Rain, you heard it?” No. He shakes his head, and you can feel it as he leans into your back.

“Echo and the Bunnymen. They've got a new album coming out this year.”

You turn to face him and his fingerless leather glove clad hands cover your cheeks.

He kisses you gently, tenderly. Not at all the way you’d expect. He’s eager, kissing like there’s something to prove. He licks his way into your mouth, tongue pushing your lips apart and you let him. His arms tighten around you as you kiss, tongues now greeting each other playfully. Your tongue explores his mouth, running along each and every tooth in his mouth. Huh, no fangs, you realize, and maybe he isn't actually a vampire. As if he reads your mind (maybe he does), he pulls away.

“They're, uh, hiding,’ he nods, almost to himself more than you. You nod as well, slow and uneasy, not quite believing him, but he pulls you back into a harsh kiss, more of what you expected. His hands roam your body as yours bury themselves in his curls. Still damp, but long and beautiful just as well. He shrugs the jacket off his shoulders, and his hands only briefly leave you to throw it and his gloves somewhere else, leaving him just in a thin white tank top. His mouth leaves yours to trail lower, kissing your neck. Your pulse point. Fucking irresistable. No, that's definitely his voice. Is this the end? Could be.

“I can smell you, hot stuff,” he moans into your ear, sending shivers down your spine. You find yourself gripping onto his shoulders a little tighter, but he lets you sink. He guides you, again more gently than you thought he would; bare knees brushing the threadbare carpet floor before you plant yourself. You look up at him through your lashes and he all but bites back a groan.

“You gonna join me down here?” You lick your lips, waiting for something.

“Nah, I’m gonna let you have a head start,” there's a joke in his tone. You're learning that’s normal for him. He’s silent, or playing jester. It’ll be interesting when you let him fuck you. Shit, did he hear that?

“Quit thinkin’ so loud!” he runs an affectionate hand through your hair. “But yes, I heard you. Glad you're as eager as I am.”

That's encouraging. You take your time undoing his belt, connected to faded and soft leather chaps, not bothering to push them down his thighs before you move to the top of his jeans, teasing your fingers at the skin just above the waistline. He shudders under your touch, extremely reactive. Does he get touched like this often? Or is it just quick fucks? You don't want to think about who else he might be doing this with, focusing again on his body, and all of the offending clothing covering it. You unbutton them slowly, teasing. For a member of the undead, he seems to be out of breath under your movements. The zipper is pulled down just as slowly. You run your palms flat along the bottom of his stomach, to his hips before pushing his jeans down to around his ankles, hooking his boxers on your finger along with them. He’s beautiful, and you can help but stare. Hard, eager, and thick, greeting you with a small trimmed patch of golden blonde curls. You wrap your hand around the base.

You never expected a vampire to whimper, but that's exactly what happens when your tongue darts out of your mouth to lick the head of his cock. Quick, tentative little lick, testing the waters. Your tongue swipes across the slit at the tip of his thick member and his hands animate like you flipped a switch, rising up, going to your hair, rising up again, slamming down against the desk. Your boss’ desk. You lick a long stripe to the underside of his cock, paying close attention to the prominent vein there.

“So good, so good, oh you feel so-” he pants out, hands white knuckling the edge of the desk. Heat pools in your core, loving that he’s so vocal. Fuck, if he could just keep speaking. Your other hand moves to your shorts, sloppily and hastily undoing them and wiggling them down to your knees. You wrap your lips around the head of his cock and sink down on it, taking him as far as you can, until you couch when he hits the back of your throat.

“You look fucking beautiful like that. Please move, Please move, you’re so fucking good at this.”

You do, starting to bob your head up and down on the length of him, hollowing out your cheeks and flattening your tongue against him, cupping and massaging his balls in your hand. Your free finds itself between your legs, rubbing gently at your clit, stirred and encouraged by his praise.

“Does sucking me off get you hot and bothered?” Yesitdoes.

You keep bobbing your head, rubbing your clit, eyes trained on his until his eyes squeeze shut. His cock twitches in your mouth.

“Don't wanna- don't wanna finish in your mouth,” he’s urgent, grabbing you by the chin and pulling your mouth off of his cock. He pushes you back by your shoulders, letting you guide yourself back to lay on the rug. He pulls your loose shorts easily off your legs and settles himself between your legs, too eager to bother with removing his boots and everything.

“I’ve been wanting to do this for so long. Do you know how bad I wanted this?”

“Fuck me, Marko, dont say it. Just do it,” youre breathless under him, wanting nothing more than for him to be fucking you. He pauses.

“I dunno…” his thumb swipes up along your clit, drawing a whine from your throat, “For some reason I think you like it when I say things.”

You nod, knowing words will fail you. And he gives you what you want, lining himself up and sinking into you, groaning as he buries his head into the crook of your neck.

“Oh I knew your pussy would feel like fucking heaven,” he pants against your neck, pressing a harsh kiss to the underside of your jaw. He sets the pace quickly, unmerciful and fast, fucking hard and deep into you. His hands push up your thin tee shirt, and you can feel his sigh of relief when he gets a handful of bare breast. He doesn't have to deal with a bra tonight. You hike your knees up, opening yourself as much as you can to him, wanting him to fill you to the brim. He looks into your eyes while he fucks you, which comes as a surprise to you. Maybe it shouldn't. You wonder what it would be like to be a victim of his. Does he treat them well? Have fun with them like this? Or is he vicious? You don't know if you could picture him like that… vamped out.

“What does it feel like?”

“What?” he thrusts sharply, snapping his hips into you, making you yelp.

“To be fed on, but not to die.”

Are you serious? You hear him in your head.

YesIam. He thrusts like that again, earning an identical yelp, now coupled with your thighs squeezing him around the middle. You're close already, and he can tell.

He nods, a question; You nod, confirmation.

He pulls at the neckline of your shirt, already scooping so it doesn’t ruin, and exposes your shoulder. Somewhere non lethal. His other hand comes up to grip your jaw, covering your neck but being careful not to squeeze it. You hope he bruises your jaw, you realize. A physical way to feel him when dawn comes. He slows his pace to a rocking, grinding into you, staying deep.

Then he bites. Stars erupt behind your eyes, and it feels like your blood has turned to seltzer. Every nerve in your body is in overdrive as you moan and shake and come undone around his cock. You're the kind of girl that comes from the bite of a vampire, apparently. He doesn’t let up. You can faintly hear him moaning against the open wound in your shoulder, and you hope you taste good to him. He licks the wound a few times more, softly, carefully, like he’s trying to soothe you when he finally lets you come down from your high.

When he pulls back to let you see him, his features are gruesome, full vampire with sharp brows and cheekbones, pointed nose even that much more so almost birdlike. Fangs and bottom half of his face covered in blood.Your blood. He’s panting like an animal after the kill. But he doesn't scare you. Maybe he should, but he doesn't. It's just Marko, no matter what, and if he wanted to eat you he would have. Several times now. His hand finally releases your jaw, to wipe the blood from his face. He wipes his hand then on your face, covering you in your own blood, hot on his fingers and palm.

“Fuckin sexy,” he pants, voice deeper and distorted. His thrusts speed up, trying to find his own release as your nails dig into his back, maybe making him bleed as well. You feel the rug burn forming on your back, you feel tears in your eyes. It's never felt this good with other guys.

When he comes, he comes with a howl, buried deep inside you as he shouts and shivers then stills above you. Your chest is heaving, trying to regain yourself as his face slowly fades to normal, and he slumps down on top of you. He buries his face in the crook of your neck, near the wound he tore open, now no longer bleeding. He mouths at any bare skin he can find, lazy half kisses as he spreads more mess and blood on you. Your fingers find his curls again, winding them around your digits as you stare up at the sickly green mood lighting bathing the walls of the room.

An hour later, Marko is helping you lock up early.

He makes sure to dump out all of the ashes from spliffs and incense, makes sure the vinyl is all in its right place while you make sure the register and inventory is all in its rightful place and order.

“You’re dangerous, you know.”

“Me?” you scoff, “That rich, coming from you.”

I’d do a lot of things I’m not supposed to for you. You kinda don't want to ask him what he means by that. For some reason that feels like a conversation you shouldn't have tonight.

He leaves the store before you, holding the door open for you and letting you lock the doors. He slings an easy arm over your shoulder, not bothering to shield either of you from the rain as he steers you towards your car. You can feel the rain cleaning your face, the blood flowing away and saving you the shower you were going to take before collapsing into bed tonight.

“Where’s your bike?”

“I flew here,” he says with that devilish smile, and you're really not sure if he's joking or not. Your arm sneaks its way into his jacket and wraps around his waist, holding him close as he makes sure you get home same. Marko makes you feel calm, in a way you didn't feel before you moved to Santa Carla. How long had he been waiting to make his move? And does this mean he and his brothers would be coming around more often? Maybe being more friendly towards you. Each step towards your car feels heavy; You don't want to go home alone without him, but somehow you know he won't come with you.

“Will I see you again?”

He grabs your car keys from your hand, and sticks them in the door handle. Of course you will.

Right. You just have to be near the beach at night. You know, where you work.

He kisses you full on the mouth, holding you close and tight, like you could slip away at any second. When he finally lets you go you pull away to be met with his face, full on grinning, his eyes still closed from the kiss. He doesn't look like a killer.

Marko watches you as you pull open the door to your car and more or less throw your ass into the seat. He holds the door as he gives you one last smile, and says:

��You know, you should never invite a vampire into your life. Renders you powerless.”

And he winks.

#marko lost boys x reader #lost boys x reader #marko lost boys #my work

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thewindsofsong · 4 years ago

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For kicks, i have decided to watch The Lost Tomb (2015)

I’ll be putting down my thoughts as they happen and i’ll try and separate by episode i guess.

Also hiding this mess behind a read more because i know this will get long. spoiler warning? not any that are that big though.

*i tried my best and couldn’t get past the second episode. no spoilers past halfway through the second ep. if you call any of that spoilers.

Ep 1

what the hell is going on? there is no lead up or explanation as to why wu xie is driving around with some random dude with a wall mounted bull head decoration that can be found at your local homegoods store.

why the hell did they stop to eat without even trying to hide that they had stopped?

does lost tomb in all its variations always have such uncomfortable chinesse elitists vibes?

weird merc girl is a-ning?

this is really fucking stupid so far and i’m not liking it

all of the viki live comments are talking about yangyang? who the fuck is yangyang and why do so many of them care about whoever that is?

christ this is so corny i am not enjoying this nearly as much as reboot.

why should we care about the cow thing? there’s still been no explanation

ope, xiaoge intro time.OH MY GOD THAT BANG HAIRPIECE LOOKS TERRIBLE. it is a hair piece right? that cannot be real hair, it looks like it was cut from a goth stuffed animal

OF COURSE ITS THE MANUSCRIPT YOU DUMBDUMB

i swear if sidekick is posting this thing they were nearly KILLED FOR on the fucking internet at large i will SCREAM

OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD

there is 0 logic happening in this show and i hate it

please tell me the name of any restaurant that would let someone order food on SOMEONE ELSE'S TAB WITHOUT EXPRESS PERMISSION FROM THE THE PERSON

i dont think i’m going to be able to make it through the first episode of this drama. i thought i could do 10 eps of a mediocer drama, but it has only been 28 minutes and i have nothing good to say about i.

wait, lets see if sanshu can save it a little. i have no hopes,

second xiaoge appearace. oversized hood distracts from the weird bang thing

i dont like third uncle either

oh my god they gave wu xie such a nationalist boner

i see we’re going with “police are useless” trope to justify going to the tomb

Chengcheng is the least trustworthy character and i see no real reason for me as a watcher to care about her beyond “she’s cute”

so much car product placement

i dont think panzi is surviving this adventure

xiao ge tease at the very end.

Ep 2.

I didn’t fastforward through the first ep, but there’s no way i’m making it through without this time, even with my cat laying on my arm and keyboard.

this opening is bonkers confusing

still don’t like xiaoge’s hair

lmao, a live comment just asked all the yangyang fangirls to stop

that fucking gps system is going to cause problems

how is there only one boatman in the whole fucking village?

logic continues to be absent

oh my god boatman is smoking a bong

casual cannibalism? casual cannibalism for “safety”?

sidekick is going to do something dumb in the cave i would bet money on it

xiaoge has finally spoken. so much xiaoge rationing happening. we are starving

the lighting here is all over the place and its actually distracting me.

corpes are not a naturally regenerating resource. one war, decades ago, would not be able to continually host a large population of the bugs described unless people are just dumping bodies wherever they’re living

i still don’t like any of the characters. im either ambivalent or actively dislike all of them.

all of the acting is....meh

god im going to have to watch reboot as a pallet clenser after this

why did they call go into the water? i mourn logic.

no venom from the insects?

just muffle the fucking bell you dumbasses

I can’t do this. this is too bad for me to sit through. i’m going to go watch reboot and try and get this out of my head

#the lost tomb #dmbj #the lost tomb (2015)

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harryfeatgaga · 5 years ago

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Okay I really want to wear a dress tonight but I have a scar in the center of my chest and I feel confident in myself but I also feel like people are gonna judge my chest scar

you will look amazing babe!!!! ik its hard but just do you and dont care what others may or may not think

Anonymous said: Bruh I was eating at the table w my family and they were talking about my brothers friend and his gf and she goes “hickeys are trashy” and looks right at me like ok boomer🧐

BYEEEFGVRED

Anonymous said: about the pepper spray! make sure it’s legal to have it in your state i know it seems silly but some places have weird rules regarding that and if you can’t have pepper spray they sometimes tell you alternatives also i’ve heard wasp spray is nice

yeah thats what I was just saying! lol its illegal to just have it here you need a license

Anonymous said: honestly maybe because i live in texas but in some gas stations (the weird sketchy travel ones) the sell like little knives that can go on your keychain pepper spray cute little lipstick type of knives like the ones you guys are talking about and other little protection things and bongs jsjsjs anyway the highest prices are probably like $25-30

oedkjfnrjfnh omg

Anonymous said: i just burnt FOUR PIECES OF BREAD IN THE TOASTER ???????

WHY DID YOU PUT FOUR IN ITJGNBRHFJIVK

Anonymous said: yessss younger/inexperienced is also a FAT kink of mine pls talented anons take over

YAAAAA

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baekhyunbitz · 6 years ago

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🌸about me tag🌸

I was tagged by the oh so incredible Chelle. Thank you babe😚💚🖤💚🖤

The rules are:

1. Tag the person who tagged you

2. Answer the questions.

3. Tag 10 people

Let’s get it started!

•How tall are you?

164.5cm... a small 5'4

•What color and style is your hair?

I'm a natural Ginger but I've died my hair plenty of colors. Now it's short. Bob length honestly. I really want to dye it a blue though. It would be my first major color. I want my hair to resemble Ramona Flowers from Scott Pilgrim.

•What color are your eyes?

Brown. Not sure what shade you would call it so you tell me! I'm told they are very beautiful in the sunlight. I do love them in the sunlight myself.

•Do you wear glasses?

I do... they are a hassle but I need to see so I put up with them. I'm near sighted.

•Do you wear braces?

Nope. My teeth are not perfectly straight but close to it.

•What’s your fashion sense?

I'm a pretty casual/edgy/comfy dresser. My main piece of clothing is HOODIES!! ask @broccoli-channie-soup, she's seen it!! I wear tight jeans cause loose pants that arent sweatpants feel weird to me. Band tees are my life. I even have my selection of kpop shirts I like to wear a lot. Patterns like stripes or animal prints are a slight favorite of mine. Van's are my go to shoes, if not then my ked boots or my Lugz.

•Full name?

Jade Amber Carter.

Jade: The name of Luke Skywalker's wife in the Star Wars books.

Amber: the stone that they extracted DNA from in Jurassic Park.

(My dad is a huge geek, but I've learned well!)

•When were you born?

June 27th, 1995 on a Tuesday at 9pm exactly. I was also a problem baby, my mom needed a C-section cause the cord wrapped around my neck.

•Where are you from and where do you live now?

I was born in Florida and then moved to Indiana when I turned 13, so I've been here 10 years now, 11 in June.

•What school do you go to?

I graduated high school in 2014. I have not done any other schooling though but I plan to do online schooling at some point in my future.

•What kind of student are you?

I honestly was a really shy person all through school till maybe my senior year.

•Do you like school?

It was okay. I miss the fun memories and wish I did Show Choir longer.

•Favorite subject?

Music for sure. Took music every year in school starting in 4th grade.

•Favorite TV show?

I have a couple.

American Horror Story

Sabrina

Shameless

He is Psychometric

Do Bong Soon

What happened to secretary Kim

Big Bang Theory

•Favorite Movie?

CRAZY RICH ASIANS. I love the story so much, the main characters!!!!! The way Rachael Carrie's herself through the whole movie, not taking shit from anyone. And Nick is just so freaking handsome. Asian Ellen is my favorite hahaha she kills me. All around, a terrific movie.

•Favorite books?

Can't get there from here - Todd Strasser

Favorite pastime?

Going to amusement parks!!!! I miss the thrill of the rides so much. And beaches!!! I used to go all the time.

•Do you have any regrets?

I regret quite a bit with my last relationship but I know, without those mistakes, I wouldnt be here doing what I'm doing and being a better me each and every day.

•Dream job?

Photographer. I still need to get my own camera but I use my friends and have my pictures in albums on Facebook.

•Would you ever like to be married?

Maybe one day but I'm in no rush!

•Would you like to have kids?

Probably but not anytime soon. I struggle just living with myself everyday, I dont have that mental state to handle a child.

•How many?

1-2

•Do you like shopping?

It's a sin and a curse honestly.... I have a spending issue....

But I do take care of actual bills and rent first.

•What countries have you visited?

I want to travel all over the world so bad especially for my photography growth. But sadly I've only stayed in the United States

•Scariest nightmare you have ever had?

It was actually a night mare within a nightmare. I was dreaming that I was at my best friend's old house with her in her room. The spot at the end of her bed, you could see out into the living room and it was pitch black. We both heard a noise out in the living room. We paused the movie and both looked out the door for a minute. Then all of a sudden a boy in all white runs up right to the doorway and is screaming at us. He doesn't go past the doorway though. I woke up from this dream thinking everything was fine. I got up from the bed and its morning, I open the door and that little boy was there and started yelling in my face. I was so scared, I slammed the door and ran back to the bed and then I woke up for me and kinda freaked my friend out. That house was just haunted by something, it freaked us out for years.

•Any enemies?

Myself like always.

•Any significant other?

@broccoli-channie-soup ofcourse!!!!!

•Do you believe in miracles?

Sometimes.

•How are you?

I'm okay. More depressed though in the last three years but it's gotten worse this year. I'm just all over the place mentally and emotionally. I've had my good days in between the many bad ones. I wake up every morning so I can't complain too much.

I'm tagging: @broccoli-channie-soup @cho-ji-eun @kingparkjinyoung @teamwanggae @kpopiseverythng @felixis-es @sleepysungjin @akpopqueen @wonheoney @thotnosoppa and if anyone else who wants to do this, feel free!!

#anout me tag #get to know me #i want to know you guys as well #come talk with me sometime!

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teawiththegods · 6 years ago

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paranormal anon- oh you've invited So Many Messages bc i get into some shit -- 1. when i was younger we had a house with a fair amount of doors that would slam open and shut without any breeze affecting them,,, my brothers and i would just ignore it,, you know what later in the same house we found a drawing on the mirror in toothpaste that no one did,, weird 2. a few years later we lived where there was a forest behind out home and my little bro and i went p far back to explore (1/?)

and found a fort made of tires but my dad said that it has a lot of bear tracks so we cant play there,, same forest i found a rib bone right behind the house and brush line and we dont know where it came from, i have the bone somewhere but not with me rn 3. a dif house later had three stories but was rly narrow and when we had to clean it out we found like used needles and a bong lmao but anyways,, i lived on the first floor and my parents and brothers on the second floor (2/?)and i was going up to my parents room and a creepy withered Thing rounded the corner of the staircase from the third floor and Stared at me,,, yeah i went in my parents room and slammed the door,, there was a crawlspace to an attic on the third floor but i never went on the second let alone third floor again. 4. dont remember when but i used to have a house with a closed off well in the backyard where snake skeletons kept appearing,, weird (3/?)5. i used to live out in the Country when i was 13 ish and there was a cute neighbor kid who asked if me and my little brother wanted to see something cool in the woods,, not weird at all lmao, anyways we went on a tiny path in the woods behind my house and eventually found a road but went right back into the woods and we found a dilapidated playground surrounded in barbed wire that we did play in for a bit the swings were p cool, (4/?)Anyways we eventually left and walked down a dirt road in the woods before finding one of those big cattle gates (idk how to describe them) that had a no trespassing sign and he said 'this is it' so we go down the road, obvi trespassing lmao, and he takes us to this old kinda falling apart house and tells us this is where he goes when he's mad, looking back Red Flag anyways we stay and break some windows and we also climbed a latter to look into the hayloft that the house had,, (5/?)we just went home after but it was fine,,, that house also had a tiny cabin in the backyard that our neighbor said his uncle died in but we didn't believe him 6. i used to commonly see apparitions in a few of my houses,, there were enough to fill up a good amount of pages in a notebook that my friends once found and were creeped out by bc the entries were a bit,,, detailed,, its bc they were full-body apparitions tbh 7. now that im in a paranormal club there are more things (6/?)like the psychic of the club saying that theres something attached to me that follows right behind me (understandable bc for some reason the back of my neck is oddly sensitive,,),, weve gone on a few investigations where my odd knack of sensing emotions and areas of power come in handy and its freaky,, we went to an old graveyard and i told you about the creepy trees and the old jail but more in depth i may have mocked a ghost,, or a few,, and then i was talking about them with my roommate (7/?)and her string lights started to flicker and they consistently responded when i asked them questions,, lmao yikes anyways i called on dionysus and hermes when that happened and my roommate had some crystals,, i dont think theyve left but i dont think that theyre bad,, or like harmful (due to this event her family thinks im a danger,, it wasnt on purpose tbh),, also recently there has been a red double ended noose appearing outside of our window that freaked us out (8/?)(coming clean i was the hermes chthonius anon from a bit ago and this was the event from the ask) and we dont know if it was a sign or not but the noose has the correct knot and bc of where it is it couldn't have been thrown?? man idk i dont care anymore but my roommate still doesn't like it 8. my family has also had some experiences bc ghost shit runs in families lmao,, anyways my dad once lived in like the maryland area and one time he was at a subway station and it was empty except for (9/?)a businessman with like a briefcase who said to my dad 'im late' and then disappeared but since work waits for no ghost my dad just got on his subway and went to work lmao,, my mom also had an experience when she was a teen and she couldnt see her bedroom door from her bed due to the room shape but she was alone with only her dogs, the dog wouldnt stop staring at the doorway for a while and then my mum woke up in the night to a strong presence of a person above her but she stayed still (10/?)until it left and then she turned on every light and locked everything,,, anyways im a fucking demon and ghost magnet lmao,, this is all that i can remember rn but there is prob more lmao,, hope you enjoyed my stupidity bc tbh i still lowkey mock some paranormal entities and dare them to mess w me which is a Bad Idea but i do give the restless dead offernings so they dont murder me ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ (11/11)paranormal anon - dont worry about subsequent paranormal club investigations,, theres a girl who is going to stay with me (bc i love wandering off by myself of course) and make sure i dont get into hijinks,, funnily enough shes not sensitive At All to paranormal stuff and shell be with me the Paranormal Hotspot

Yoooo you just took me on a journey!! Is it bad that part of me is kind of jelly right now?? I mean i say that but also the part of me that has built my entire manual of survival from watching horror movies is like “Oh hell no! We follow the rule book so we DON’T end up with stories like this!” lol! Though I would so watch you host a paranormal show! Thank you so much for sharing all this! What an exciting and also extremely terrifying life you live!

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bobowhooo · 7 years ago

Text

Potent Savages

Chapter 1 Part 2 : Disruptive

genre : Thriller/Angst/trigger warningsss/smut/exo, oc, and blackpink gang au

Summary : This fast paced kind of life style isnt for everyone, but for these young rich savages this stuff is second nature.

I told you i would catch you up, and im a girl of my word when i want to be. So imma take you back, Back before the drama with jiyong the dragon. Back before i even knew baekhyuns weird ass was a member of the notorious exo gang. Before he knew i was a member of the infamous blackpink gang. Before we all started to hate eachother.

“I am so gonna make a virgin cry tonight” jennie spoke to herself while looking in the mirror as if she was taking a selfie, which i love watching her do for some reason, but in my defense she does look really hot. Looks like tonight is going to be one of those nights that we put on our less expensive clothes and act like we’re regular teenagers, i hate these nights, i’d much rather be at the club in balenciaga, sitting in the vip lounge with jiyong, but my girls wanted me to go and if my girls want something from me the word no always goes into hiding.

“Ayyye lit wayyy.” lisa sang out as she took a picture in the mirror with jennie

I looked over to the room that jisoo and rosé share in our three bedroom condo, I wasnt getting a good enough look at them so i decided to go inside of the room, i know i sound like some kind of crazy smother but the relationship between me and my girls is not normal and probably never will be. I cant be away from them for too long and if im not close to them i have to atleast be able to lay my eyes on them or i just might kill someone. Yes i do tell you alot but i dont know if im ready to talk too much about that, so lets change the topic.

Snapping out of my thoughts, i realized that jisoo and rosé still werent ready at all. Instead of intervening or saying anything, i decided to just do something else, guess ill call my mans.

“jiyong?”

“honeyy, how is the party going?”

“Haii oppaa” i said with a higher voice than usual you know the one you use when you talk to the boy you like? yeah that one. “im not there yet oppa”

“Aaahhh okayyy i seee” judging from the way he was using that sly sexy voice of his, i think he wants something from me.

“What is it oppa?”i said, i dont know why im getting an unfamiliar feeling about this.

“babyy?”

“yess”

“babyy, at that party tonight....”

what the hell does he want with this dumb high school party, i should be the only thing in his mind that has anything to do with high school... okay im kidding....alittle.

“Some of my associates will be there i want you to keep an eye on them.” his voice switched up this time.

“What the fuck jiyong, who the hell are these “associates”?”

“exo.” well he never was one to beat around the bush for too long, i could already hear it in his voice he was getting impatient.

“First of all, fix your tone, and second, boi you know i know most of all that the whole damn exo gang hates you and all your men, dont talk to me like im just another one of those dumb skanks you like to play with.”

What did you just ask? oh, well let me tell you alittle more about him. Jiyong the dragon is the top dog the ultimate big man in this business. He was one of those get down or lay down type of guys, of course that shit didnt work on me and my girls, which was the reason why he took such a liking to me in the first place. Does that cure your curiosity? what do you mean you didnt ask that!?

“Hahahhah” hes laughing at me.

“ugh, oppa im supposed to be relaxing at this party.”

“i know babyyy, all you have to do is keep an eye on maybe three of them and...”

“And!?”

“Aaand make sure they dont leave until my men get there.”

“What!?, jiyong are you seriously going to try to kill them at a highschool party!?”

“Who said anything about killing themm...babyy come onn for mee?”

“You know that type of shit dosent work on me oppa.”

“please baby? ill owe you one big time.”

That caught my attention “ owe me huh?” thats what i like to hear. I could care less if those exo guys die or get kidnapped or whatever jiyong is gonna do with them, and the mention of him owing me sounds so delicious “hmmm....”

I hear a little laughter on his side before i make my decision,

“You got yourself a deal oppa” i say with a sinister smirk. And with that we say our goodbyes and i hang up.

My girls are so quiet.......shit.

I whip my head around quickly, with my anxiety building up, getting ready to run to where ever they are, whether it is in the house or not.

“Cha cha?” jisoo called out. My real name is park bong cha, aya is just a street name. Not alot of people know my real name, and i like it like that.

My girls were standing in the doorway of my room which i share with no one due to the fact that all of the extra space in the room is filled with all of our weapons and money.

“Damn i wish you saw the way your head turned just now” rosé said with a small giggle. She and jisoo looked like they were finally done getting ready.

“Lets dip girls.” i said, actually feeling alittle excited to go now, which is such a first.

“AND IM LOVIN ALL RACES HELL NAW DONT DISCRIMINIZE AYYY WE LITT!”

I was posted up on the wall with some concoction lisa had some girl she was macking on make for me. It tasted good though. I had already informed the girls about the little deal i made with jiyong, they took it well thankfully. i have been occupying my eyes with this cute guy who is dancing his ass off. And just when the song finally changes and he notices, the entrance door swings open and some heads turn, and mine follows the others.

Just the boys i wanted to see, i think to myself while smiling.

I let my girls know by text and we all, being on the same floor of the house, exchange looks.

shall we?

“IMMA MAKE YOU MIINE TONIGHT!”

I watched the exo gang walk in all together, some were rubbing their hands together like fuckboys, and others just looking around observing the party and the people, easily you could tell they are a close-knit group like me and my girls.

“JUST ONE TOUCHH AND ILL MAKE MY MOVE!”

I decided to keep my eyes on the linky big eared one, the one who looked like he wanted to scream in someones face, and the one-

“omg” I said under my breath as I watched one of the exo members slightly bite on his beautiful index and middle fingers.

Lisa quickly slapped my shoulder with a grin “aye, you thirsty girl?” she said as she tilted her drink towards me with her adorable smile, “shut the fuck up.” I said with a dead expression.

The other girls came up to us in three different directions. “So whats the plan?” rosé asked while referring to my end of the deal I made with jiyong oppa. I wasn't listening though, still stealing glances at the exo members mouth and fingers.

“Stop bitching guys, I will remember what she looks like, trust me, damn.” chanyeol stated as he scrunched up his face a little. All I can think is that its such a damn shame chanyeol is the only one who saw jiyongs girl, putting all our eggs in chanyeols fucked up basket is really fucking annoying. “Baekhyun, I know what your thinking, and no im not stupid enough to put all our eggs in chanyeols fucked up basket, just know that.” Suho spoke while he squeezed my shoulder as if he was trying to make me feel his words, what the hell is he? a fucking mind reader!?

We already know what jiyong the fucking snake is going to try to pull tonight, we heard from a mole hes going to have some girl hes been fucking to watch us all night, but we came here tonight in spite of that to do our usual rounds, because not a lot of things are better than money and confrontation.

“Alright split, chanyeol stay with Baekhyun” Suho said with an exhale

Chanyeol puts his arm around my shoulders as we walk towards the crowd of dancing teens. “Anybody lookin familiar?” my voice giving off my bored and annoyed mood, I spoke with a quick elbow into his stomach. “Nahh, just lemme go get a drink real quick. want one?” chanyeol asked and got a nod yes in return.

I start looking around, eyeing all the girls in the room.

“ERRBODY GETCHA MUTHAFUCKIN ROLL ON AYYY!”

“Girls really love this song huh?” I said to myself as I watched a swarm of girls running to the impromptu dance floor as they screamed and giggled.

My eyes automatically land on two girls that looked like they just jumped off a runway stage or some shit, “damn” I said out loud on accident, could they be jiyongs?

“Damn is right.” chanyeols deep voice crept from behind me, “all the girls in the kitchen were uggos.” he tilted a red plastic cup my way.

I took it from him and stole a quick sip, “those two girls right there ring any bells?” I asked as I brought up my left hand to wipe my mouth and used the index finger of the hand holding my cup to point in the direction of the girls I was talking about.

Chanyeol licked his lips, “I don't know I think I need a closer look.” he voiced as he rubbed his hands together, his fuckboy mode starting to kick into gear.

I smirked at the possibilities.

“Okay I guess we can have some fun then.”

“You know if you don't make this shot im going to make you strip right?” the guy I now know as Baekhyun spoke to me sexily with a sharp smirk on his face while he held a ping pong ball that had earlier been cover in cheap beer.

“Well maybe I want to strip.” I stated, readying another ping pong ball. Hopefully I can finally make a shot.

Baekhyun, and his friend who is also an exo member, chanyeol came up to me and jennie a little while ago, the convenience being too perfect, we've been talking to them ever since, and somehow I ended up in a game of beer pong with Baekhyun, while jennie and chanyeol decided to look through each others instagrams on the couch next to us.

I finally flick my wrist with hopes I get it into one of the cups on baekhyuns side.

“Yess.” I said as my ball landed in a cup on the left of Baekhyun.

“aahh noo” Baekhyun spoke playfully.

my phone buzzes at that. I quickly look at jennie, Jiyongs men might be....

“What is it?” Baekhyun speaks. I don't answer, instead I remove my phone from the back pocket of my jeans to see if my earlier thought was right.

oppa

my men are there baby where are you

“Aye jennie the girls are looking for us we should go.”

“awww already?” chanyeol said, his voice giving off a new dangerous tone.

They know.

I saw ayas face change after chanyeols comment.

that's right bitch, feel it.

chanyeol told me she was the one three minutes into talking to her. I have to admit shes good. I totally would have fallen for her act. too bad I didn't.

“Jennie lets move now!” aya yelled at the other girl as we heard screams coming from all around the house.

“Grab her chanyeol!”

The moment I jump on the ping pong table and take out my gun, jennie jumps off the couch, chanyeol grabs her, and Baekhyun pulls out the gun hes been hiding so well.

Jennie struggles in the hold of the huge man, while I stare Baekhyun down. Both our guns pointing at each others head. aiming for an instant kill.

“You don't think im about to just give up do you?”

I quickly shoot at the gun in Baekhyuns hand and roll off the table, about to shoot at chanyeols foot, he kicks the shit out of me, and jennie took the chance to get out of his hold, all of a sudden a crowd of people fill the room.

Jiyongs men come running in like the CIA.

“Shit!”

I start shooting the men coming at me. suho and d.o run into the room probably getting ready to carry out plan b.

Me and chanyeol somehow end up back to back in the middle of jiyongs men, this isn't looking to damn good.

I grab jennie and run to the exit of the room in full panic mode because I don't know where the hell my other girls are.

A exo member with bushy eyebrows comes out of nowhere and stands in front of us looking like satan himself, looking calm despite all the chaos going on.

I don't have time for this.

I push jennie backwards getting ready to jump out of the next window I see, until I turn around and see another exo member staring us down with one of his eyebrows lifted, as more of the exo gang pile in the room to help with jiyongs men. fuuuck meee.

I charge in the other direction gripping jennies wrist, and my girls come out in front of us rushing to get to the men chasing behind.

Me and jennie continue running with intentions of getting the car ready, hating the fact that I have to leave the other girls here.

We reach a window and I look for something in the room I could use to break it. I find golf clubs in the closet and take a hard swing at my target, breaking it in one go. we both jump out and sprint for the car we came-

“AYA! AYA! AYA!”

My eyes feel like led but I finally start to open them, looking around to only find darkness. shit I must have gotten knocked out by one of the exo boys.

“aya?”

my eyes widen. jennie.

I feel her breathe on my neck as she tries to get closer.

“same plan as usual?”

“ Yeah.”

These exo assholes should have fucking killed me when they had the chance, they should know never to cage wild beasts.

When the car finally came to a stop I realized my eyes were closed in anger the whole time.

I heard muffled voices and doors opening before closing right back.

My eyes shot open in anticipation.

Open the trunk, I dare you.

as if on cue the trunk door pops open and the exo men look down on us laying in their trunk, this isn't all of them though, where are the rest? I look up at them wishing looks could kill.

“awww you are such a good girl, I didn't even have to gag youu.” a dinosaur looking exo member said as he bent down to get me out of the trunk.

This time, this time when I shoot I wont miss.

The moment my feet touch the ground I feel a rush of adrenaline, I keep my composure until jennies feet does the same.

I close my eyes again readying myself for the moves im about to make. as they start walking us to what seems like a rundown hideout.

They are circled around me and jennie as we walk towards the destination and I look at the men in front of me, eyeing them up and down in search of a knife.

Bingo.

Spinning around as fast as I can in the direction of the knife in the mans pocket on the left of me, jennie quickly backs up planning on distracting atleast two of them.

I get my hands on it and move swift and fast cutting myself loose, cutting up an exo members leg and whatever else is in the way of jennie,

I cut her loose and spin again, always trying to use my speed as an element of surprise, I grab hold of a gun in someones hand and start shooting at everyone around us, as jennie follows my actions.

my shoulder takes a shot, as jennie grabs my hand and makes a run for it.

we keep running into the dark forest for our lives as we try our best to avoid the bullets the are flying from behind us.

What a fucking night.

We spent the rest of night running through the woods and making sure I don't bleed to death. When we got back to condo, the sun was up and the rest of the girls were crying and loading machine guns.

“We thought you guys were never going to come back!” they cried at us. I couldn't help but feel like shit, I wasn't on my a game last night and because of that my girls suffered.

After that my shoulder was tended to by jisoo and we made our way to jiyongs place to talk about everything.

“I cant fucking believe this shit!”

“Jiyong what the hell are you talking about?” I said as I walked into his office with my girls

“im never gonna trust you with shit ever again.” oppa spoke in a vicious tone while walking towards me.

“Chill the fuck out jiyong!” jisoo said about to step in front me, I put my arm out in front of her and walk into his personal space.

“Got a fucking problem?”

“Its your fault they got away, you unprofessional piece of trash. Do you know how much that night cost me!” well look at the balls on this one.

“I tried my best you fucking asshole don't do that to me I held up my end of the deal all you said I had to do was keep them there!”

“Get the fuck out of my face aya, you and your girls are making me sick to my stomach, and don't even think for a second I was serious about me owing you!”

Ah shit my hands are gonna misbehave. suddenly my fist made their way to his jaw and accidently on purpose clocked the shit out of him.

“SHIT”

My girls start giggling at the scene and I back away from jiyong as his eyes become wild with anger.

“Do you have a fucking death wish you bitch!?” yes.

“Nah, not really.”

He starts walking towards me again and I can finally tell that he’s not sober. He takes a slow swing at me and my face scrunches up in disgust.

I push his head backwards and he falls completely over. What a pig.

“Jiyong stop come on your better than this.” I said with a frustrated tone.

“DIGGIE” he screams for his body guard who does all his dirty work. Truth is jiyongs actually a little bitch, but hey gotta fake it till you make right?

“Do you really think that guy can kill our crazy asses?” rosé speaks with a raised eyebrow to jiyong, who is on the floor looking completely distressed.

“DIGGIE KILL THESE SLUTS”

“DIGGIE”

“diggie” his cry for his body guard becomes soft as he starts to sob.

“Come on, lets get outta here girls, he’s obviously really fucked up right now.”

“Don't worry jiyong, we’ll leave diggies head at the door for you.”

All caught up?

AUTHORS NOTE : woooo! im doneeeee ayyy I had a lot of fun with this chapterrrr. I hope you guys enjoyed it! its like 5 30 right now sooo imma go to sleep nowww but thanks for reading! kisses <3 ~ laila

#potent savages #gang au #exo gang au #blackpink gang au #exo fanfiction #blackpink fanfiction #blackpink fanfic #blackpink #exo #exo baekhyun #blackpink jennie #baekhyun angst #baekhyun smut #baekhyun thriller #baekhyun fanfic #baekhyun fanfiction

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mikeshanlon · 7 years ago

Text

he’s all that: chapter two

fandom: it

pairing: reddie (richie tozier/eddie kaspbrak)

word count: 5k

one | on ao3

summary:

Richie smiled smugly, “You’ve got spunk Kaspbrak. I like that.”

“Why don’t you try shutting the fuck up Tozier,” Eddie retorted as the line moved forward, “So what is this, if not some ploy to get me to tutor you? Some sort of dork outreach program? Because I’m not interested.”

—

Or: The one where Richie Tozier has six weeks to get into a relationship and make someone fall for him. Only problem? That someone is the anxiety ridden, goody two shoes Eddie Kaspbrak, and he can’t even stand to be in the same room as Richie.

warnings: there is drug use in that bev/mike/richie are HUGE stoners. also this chapter there is mentions to maggie being an alcoholic.

a/n: hey! decided to post two weeks in a row just to get the ball rolling (which is why i still dont have all the chapters figured out as promised, my apologies). i'll probably start the every other week thing for next update (so chapter three should be up by march 4th). i would try to do every week but im a college student who has Stuff to do and also makes gifs and im horrible at finishing my writing so, giving myself a realistic deadline that will still hopefully produce quality work. anyways, richie and eddie finally interact this chapter! it's....................... a bit messy though. and we get to see the rest of the losers club in this one too.

tag list: @richietoaster, @wintersember, @howellhxlic, @ed-txzier, @clara-farl3y

After standing in the hallway arguing with Bev for ten minutes, (“I mean really Bevs, fuck!” “You said anyone.” “How do we even know he’s gay?!” “Richie, please.”) Richie resigned himself to the fact that he was going to find some way to charm Eddie. Maybe Beverly would let him borrow that spellbook she bought junior year when she had become obsessed with witchcraft and hexing the patriarchy.

Once school was finally over, Richie dropped off Mike at his farm per usual, ranting about the bet the whole ride over. The farm boy nodded along, but he knew the words ‘told you so’ sat on the tip of his tongue.

They pulled up to his house, the engine idling so he wouldn’t have to spend time getting it to start again, “Don’t wait up for me tonight if you wanna smoke. Got lotsa research in store,” Richie said as Mike grabbed his backpack and got out of the car.

Mike raised a brow, leaning into the passenger window (which in its broken state always stayed down), “I’m surprised Rich. You never do your homework.”

“Homework shmomwork,” he tapped the end of his cigarette out the window before taking another drag, “Gotta figure out what little ol’ Edward likes. Time for some deep dark internet exploration.”

“Ah, you’re gonna stalk him. Wasting time on social media does sound much more in character,” Mike smiled.

“It’s not a waste Mikey darlin’, a shit ton of preemo dank is on the line.”

The other boy laughed and shook his head, “Godspeed Tozier.”

Richie saluted Mike as he reversed out back to the main road, Bigmouth Strikes Again blasting on the old car radio.

He weaved through the streets filled with kids walking home or trying to find something to do in this shit-hole town. Long afternoons spent at The Aladdin watching the newest releases or aggressively slamming his fingers down on his favorite game at the arcade came to mind; along with going out of his way to bother just about everyone in his path. Richie never really had many friends when he was younger, spending most of his time alone. He was grateful he crossed paths with Bev and Mike, to fate, luck, God if it existed. The universe was rarely kind to him, but finding them was the best thing that ever happened to him.

Plus, the first time he had smoked weed, but that was with them too.

Turning onto his street, Richie pulled up to the unsuspecting two-story white house. It was straight out of a handbook on the American Dream; but the closer one looked, the imperfections started to appear.

The box overflowing with bottles once filled with alcohol next to the recycling bin, which was already too full with more empty bottles. A crooked ‘Home Sweet Home’ sign by the front door. Dying grass, overgrown and conquered with the little weeds Richie used to make wishes on before blowing the seeds into the summer air (I wish for friends. I wish for better parents. I wish to be loved).

He parked the station wagon on the curb, saving the space next to his Mom’s car for his father.

Maggie’s car hadn’t been driven in months (years?), and Richie absently wondered if it would even work anymore. It was nice, a decent heater and it drove well, at least it did when she had bothered to drop him off at school as a kid. Despite her general lack of care for the wellbeing of others, Mrs. Tozier did not drink and drive. Meaning, she didn’t drive at all, as she was drunk off her ass most of the time.

Richie grabbed his books from the backseat and clambered out, fumbling to find his house key among the mess of weird keychains he bought while high.

He didn’t bother stating his presence, even as a pretense, giving up the habit long ago.

Maggie Tozier sat outside, her back facing the screen door in the kitchen. A cigarette rested from her fingertips, and Richie wasn’t sure if she was actually smoking it or just watching it burn. Of course, her other hand gripped a bottle of beer, and a wine cooler sat at her feet.

Richie scoffed and bounded up the stairs to his room, a ‘KEEP OUT’ sign and band posters adorning the door.

It was often said that one’s room reflected who they were as a person, and Richie was no exception. That is, to say, his room was an absolute fucking mess. His bed was never made, and clothes and knick knacks littered the floor (he had already tripped over some beat up sneakers as he walked in). Old mugs, comics, a lava lamp, lotion, and an ashtray Bev had made him in ceramics sat on his bedside table (read: an old wooden apple carton). The only thing that he kept clear was his record player and vinyls at the edge of the bed, which were meticulously organized.

He tossed his notebooks on his desk, alongside stolen pens, his laptop, and his bong. If his parents actually fucking talked to him he would bother to hide his shit, but it didn’t really matter.

Picking up his laptop and its charger, Richie was on his way out again. He could stay home to conduct his research, but he hated the stuffiness and how lifeless the house felt. It wasn’t really even a home, at least not his. Plus, coffee. It was a necessity, especially for the amount of bullshit he’d have to go through just for the tiny brat.

Richie drove to the Starbucks on Main and Belmont, strolling up to barista and ordering his usual: venti quadruple-shot, black. While he often gorged himself on sweets, his need for caffeine could only be sated by the purest form the coffeeshop could offer.

Per usual, the barista gave him a look, “You sure?”

“Listen, I’ve already made a shit ton of horrible decisions today. Trust me, this is not the worst of them,” Richie answered, sliding the cash across the counter

She raised her brows but said nothing else, handing him the change.

He set up shop at a table by the window in the back, away enough from the other patrons. Most of the time Richie threw caution to the wind, but he figured it would suspicious if someone saw him furiously stalking someone who looked like they hadn’t even graduated from middle school.

After retrieving his coffee, opening his MacBook, and plugging his headphones in, Richie scoured Instagram first. ��Eddie.k’ didn’t post much, mostly some artsy photos, including ones of Bill and Stanley Uris (their other best friend). There were only one or two selfies, much to Richie’s disappointment. Eddie wasn’t actually too bad looking if you ignored his clothes, his hair, his… everything. Freckles dusted his face, concentrated around his little nose, a few on his lips. Cute lips. Cute cheeks. He had the urge to pinch them. But Jesus, that combover. What was he, a balding man in the 80’s?

Other than those pictures, Eddie hadn’t really posted to Instagram in months. He moved onto his tagged photos. They had some more substance, although Eddie had pretty much only been tagged in pictures by Bill and Stan. It wasn’t like Richie wasn’t in the same boat of having only a few close friends, but at least he hung out with other people.

For the most part, the pictures were pretty normal, the three of them hanging out. Richie couldn’t help but snort at a picture of the three, presumably after a sleepover. They looked exhausted, hair messy, and were brushing their teeth. Pretty mundane, but Eddie had pulled a ridiculous face in the mirror. It was silly, but Richie hadn’t even thought Eddie was capable of making jokes or doing weird shit. The fucker was always uptight, serious even when they had a substitute. Unsurprisingly, Eddie did not appreciate the post.

eddie.k: literally stan delete this!!!!!!

stantheman: @eddie.k, sorry sweatie (:

Richie grinned and continued to scroll, stopping at a picture of Eddie lying down on the grass, laughing. He wore a red tracksuit, the one students wore to P.E. when the bitter chill of autumn came to Derry. His hair must’ve been a little sweaty, because it was curling up into a messy halo around his grinning face. Richie wanted to know this Eddie, see him curl up laughing, but he knew that would never happen.

He perused their profiles for a while before growing bored, downing a third of his coffee before moving on. Except Eddie didn’t seem to have a Twitter, or a Snapchat. A quick google search of his name only came up with a few images and… a Facebook profile?

Richie prayed that it was an old one Eddie had never deleted, but after the page loaded he saw that the most recent status was made last night.

“Oh my fucking god,” he whispered to himself.

Eddie’s profile picture made him look particularly child-like, a weird picture of him pointing to the camera like he was cool, even though the same hand had a clunky old watch wrapped around it. His header picture displayed the quote ‘there is bravery in being soft’.

Richie snorted, “Yeah, a soft fucking dick!”

Another patron scoffed at his fowl mouth, and he shot her a smug grin.

Eddie only had 40 friends on the site, which consisted of Bill, Stan, some of the other nerds at Derry High, and his mother and her friends. It wasn’t like someone’s Facebook friends actually mattered, especially because only middle aged mothers who posted minion memes about their alcoholism used it anymore, but it was still kinda pitiful.

His posts were generally uninteresting, stuff like ‘super nervous for the math test’, or ‘soooooooooooo bored ://///’. Otherwise, he mostly just shared pictures of cute dogs and DIY videos.

It was hard to find any useful information on Eddie, since he obviously lied a lot. Not in the way of bragging, or saying that he did things he didn’t (like Richie did). But there were comments from Mrs. Kaspbrak’s friends calling him a lady killer, or a few posts calling Carly Rae Jepsen cute (please, Run Away With Me is the one of gayest songs of all time). Eddie was closeted, and Richie knew from experience that someone could never really be themselves around others if they weren’t out.

What his profile lacked in useable information, it more than made up with blackmail material.

Take, for instance, little Eddie in possibly the gayest fucking hat imaginable.

He screeched as he saw the picture of the eleven year old, a white fedora-bucket hat hybrid sitting atop his tiny head, before breaking out into a full on wheeze. Richie was laughing so hard he couldn’t breathe, and then he thought about Eddie using his inhaler in that gay ass hat and laughed even harder.

The other customers began to stare, some concerned, and others pissed off at the disturbance.

Once he had collected himself somewhat, Richie sent a screenshot to the group chat.

the losers

bev: oh my fucking G O D

richie: I CANT FUCKIN BREATHE ELRNKKLNERG

richie: LIKE F U C K !!! KLJKLGRJKLLEJK

richie: LOOK AT HIS GAY HAT

richie: LIKE, IT’S GAYER THAN WEARING NOTHING BUT A PRIDE FLAG AND GLITTER

richie: HE LOOKS LIKE A TWINKY SKIPPER

richie: HOW IS THAT HAT MORE GAY THAN EVERY SINGLE ONE RYAN EVANS WORE IN THE ENTIRE HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL FRANCHISE COMBINED

bev: i’m muting you

mike: me too

mike: also that hat isn’t that bad

“‘Not that bad?!’” Richie squawked, not that he’d be able to hear him.

(Really, Richie had no authority on the subject. He still donned the occasional Hawaiian shirt over his tees).

He refreshed Eddie’s profile, seeing that he had made a new status.

Eddie Kaspbrak: big night friday, nervous but excited !!!!

Richie raised his brows in intrigue, seeing that Bill and a handful of other people liked the status. What was going on Friday?

He checked to see if Bill had posted anything, if Eddie was going somewhere, chances were Bill was too.

Bill Denbrough: almost the weekend, finally ready to let loose

Seriously, it would’ve been so much easier if Bill was the guy Richie had to woo. Kid was probably fucking nervous for a party, a place where you threw caution to the wind and had a good time. Still, he made a mental note about finding out what their Friday plans were.

Richie sighed, taking another swig of his coffee, “God, what a fucking loser.”

Suddenly, his headphones were being tugged out of his ear by an angry middle-aged woman with short-layered hair and eye bags.

“Hey, what the fuck?” Richie glared, snatching back his headphones.

The woman returned the look, putting her hands on her hips, “Don’t you have respect for the other customers?!”

“Sweetheart, I don’t have respect for myself, let alone some PTA moms-- like the post-divorce haircut by the way.”

Apparently, his finger guns did not soften the blow, because the lady started to scream at him.

And, apparently, this lady was also the manager, and was pushing him out the door.

So great, Eddie and his dumb gay hat got him banned from Starbucks.

Even though he was wounded from Eddie’s betrayal, (because Richie getting kicked out was definitely not his fault-- it was Eddie’s homosexual headwear. An anthropomorphic device of chaos, that Eddie owned, so, yeah, it was Kaspbrak’s fucking fault.) Richie still skipped smoking on Thursday to spend his lunch with the tiny fuck.

Obviously, they hadn’t made plans to do so, but Richie had, and he really couldn’t delay starting the bet. There was a lot on the line.

So, after getting out of econ (turning in an unstudied for but probably aced quiz), and throwing his shit in his locker, Richie detoured to the cafeteria.

The place was a fucking mess, and it reminded Richie just why he avoided the place. It was pure chaos, loud and overwhelming, a million things to get distracted by. Freshman with their stupid rolling backpacks kept whizzing by, making Richie trip or get his feet ran over. The tables were already filled, the honor roll kids, the partiers, Gretta and her gang. Fucking cliches.

He got in line, picking up a tray and proceeding to fiddle with the buttons at the cuff of his black and white flannel; trying to tune out the buzz of conversation. It was weird, at parties he thrived on the noise and disorder, but here all it was doing was fucking with his ADHD.

Richie drummed a beat onto his tray as the line moved forward and picked the most edible looking slop from the menu. The lunch lady glowered at him as he reached for his money only to realize he had put it in the other pocket, fumbling to put the bills and coins on the counter.

As she put the money in the register, Richie looked around the room, checking to see where Eddie was sitting. He was sat near one of the exits, carefully taking out his lunch and swinging his legs. And he was alone. Perfect.

“Kid, do you want a receipt or not?” the lunch lady snapped from across from him.

Richie blinked back into focus, “Uh, sure, sorry.”

She sighed and printed out the receipt, slamming it down on the tray, “Next!”

Grabbing his tray, Richie plucked up some plastic cutlery and made his way through the sea of students to Eddie Kaspbrak. He had to twist and lift his tray a bit, but eventually the crowds started to part a bit. A chorus of whispers started to erupt. Stupid small town.

“Is that Richie Tozier?”

“I think, but doesn’t he always get high with his stoner friends?”

“What is he doing here?”

“God, he’s so hot.”

Richie smirked, sending a wink at the girl’s praise before sitting across from Eddie. He watched for a moment as the boy continued to focus on on unpacking his utensils and napkins before clearing his throat.

Eddie’s eyes snapped up from his lunchbox, widening when he saw Richie.

“What the fuck?” It was meant to be a whisper to himself, but Eddie’s voice was louder than expected.

Richie grinned at the blushing boy, “Well, hello to you to Eds.”

“Don’t call me that,” Eddie snapped, returning to his food.

Richie waited for him to say something else, at least fucking look at him, but the little fuck kept his eyes glued to his grapes, nails aggressively ripping the fruit from their stems.

“Okay,” he started, taking a sip of his apple juice, “So, you may be wondering why I’m sitting with you—“

Eddie interrupted, annoyance apparent in every fiber of his being, “Is this gonna be quick or not?”

“I’m hoping it’s not quick, although given how hot I am it’s difficult for people to control themselves.”

A long, deep sigh came from Eddie’s (cute, soft) lips. Eddie grabbed at Richie’s hands, flipping them over so that the palms faced upwards.

“Wow, a bit forward, but I’m liking your style Kaspbrak,” Richie winked.

Eddie rolled his eyes and proceed to take out hand sanitizer from his fanny pack, squirting the floral scented product into Richie’s hands.

Honestly, what the fuck?

He must’ve sent the same message to Eddie with his face, because Eddie said, “You obviously aren’t gonna leave me the fuck alone, and if you’re gonna be in my space, you need to be clean.”

Richie raised a brow at this but rubbed the hand sanitizer into his hands anyways.

Jesus Christ, what a weird, defensive little bitch.

Eddie watched with focused eyes, and only spoke when Richie was finished.

“Continue.”

It took a moment for Richie to gain his bearings once more. This mission seemed dead on arrival, but he had to keep trying anyways.

“So, Eddie…” Richie trailed off, twirling the pasta on his plate before his eyes lit up, “Eddie Spaghetti, Eduardo, what’s up?”

Eddie scowled, “That’s not my fucking name!” he squeaked, “And ‘what’s up?’ I mean, we’ve barely even talked before. You think I’m just gonna put up with this because you’re Richie Tozier? I swear to god, if this is some fucking bullying thing...”

Around them, people began to stare and eavesdrop at the sound of Eddie yelling. Fucking perfect.

Richie blinked back at the boy across from him, now red in the face for a different reason, “Calm down, I’m just trying to get to know you.”

“Fat fucking chance.”

Okay, wow. Richie had more work cut out for him than expected. He thought of what to say next as he watched Eddie finish his grapes.

“This isn’t, like, a joke,” (it wasn’t real either), “I just wanna hang out.”

“Hang out?” Eddie’s chocolate brown eyes met Richie’s, his tone mocking.

Richie nodded, “Yeah, ya know, kick it with the homies. Make out a little if you’re down. Friend stuff.”

Eddie’s jaw clenched, “You’re unbelievable. Just fucking unbe— you know, how can you even say any of that shit? How can we be ‘homies’ if we’ve never ‘hung out’ before? And don’t want to-- I’m not-- you don’t know me!”

There was something underlying in Eddie’s voice as he snapped, wavering at the end. Richie, like most things in life, was completely and utterly fucking up.

“Well then, how about we fix that?” Richie leaned forward, “I was wondering if maybe you’d wanna—“

Abruptly, Eddie stood up, grabbing his food and walked off, making his way towards the cafeteria line where Bill and Stan were paying for their lunch.

Richie looked around at all the watching faces, some snickering and others as shocked as he was.

“...Embarrass me horribly in front of all these people.”

He took a deep breath, and shoved some spaghetti in his mouth, his frown growing larger at the disgusting taste. Richie was often considered a wild card, but this was when routine was a good thing. He should’ve just avoided this and sparked up with Bev and Mike.

Actually, he was going to do just that. There was still some left in lunch, and no reason for him to stay in the cafeteria if Eddie was giving him the cold shoulder. More like a giant fucking iceberg but still, pointless. Besides, he really needed to get high now. Eddie ruined his whole mood and pissed him the fuck off.

Richie got up and tossed out the inedible garbage before going to the usual spot, finger itching for a joint.

He used his foot to push open the door, which would’ve been cool, except with his clumsiness and horrible luck he tripped forward, narrowly avoiding falling down the steps and face planting by grabbing the railing.

As Richie caught his breath and stabilized himself, he could hear his friends laughing.

“Back so soon?” Bev smirked knowingly, taking a drag.

Richie huffed, “Ha ha. Let’s yuck it up for my misfortune,” he grabbed her joint and took a long hit, “This fucking kid, Bev. I don’t think I can do this!”

“As in, you’re morally incapable of leading him on?” Mike asked hopefully.

“Please, let’s be realistic here Mikey. No, that kid is like, the fuckin devil incarnate. Shithead is fucking crazy!” Richie paced, smoking from the joint.

Bev laughed, “What makes you say that?”

“Why don’t ya ask the whole fucking school?” Richie snapped, though the anger wasn’t directed at her, “They were watching it all go down. If that wheezy asshole ruins my reputation—“

“What reputation?” Mike interjected.

Richie rolled his eyes and flipped him off.

Another voice spoke up, “I dunno, Richie’s pretty well known. I like him well enough.”

Richie whirled around, just noticing a new face among the usual group, Ben Hanscom.

The eternal new kid, since no one ever moved to ass backwards Derry, was not someone he’d expect to be behind the art building. Maybe reciting poetry or some shit, but not blazing. Ben was sweet and genuine, albeit a little shy. He was no longer the chubby kid he once was, more stocky and muscular now. They weren’t too close, as the tawny haired boy spent more time with Mike and Bev, and if not them, the other dorks (like Eddie and his friends). But either way, dude was pretty chill. Richie just didn’t really want him there mid-meltdown.

“Haystack?! You smoke?!” he whistled, “Ho-ly shit, who woulda thought!”

Ben shook his head, “Uh, no I don’t. Mike and I just had to study for history next block.”

His deep brown eyes flitted to Beverly, who had now stolen back her joint and was playing with the key that hung from her neck. Yeah, studying was the only reason. Not Ben’s excruciatingly obvious crush on the red head.

“We would’ve just gone to the library, but Bev and I made a bet about if you’d be successful or not today,” Mike said.

Richie gasped, “Betting on my failure? Fuck you guys, Benny Boy is my new best friend.”

“I didn’t sign up for that.”

“Hey, I bet on you succeeding,” Mike put his hands up in surrender, “She’s the one who thought you’d screw it up.”

“And I was right. Pay up,” Bev smiled, holding out her palm.

Mike dropped a candy bar in it with a deep sigh. She tore open the wrapping, taking a savage bite of the chocolatey sweet.

“I think you have a gambling problem,” Mike quipped.

Bev shrugged, “Not a problem if I keep winning.”

She grinned, her teeth covered in chocolate and spit. Gross. Ben still looked enraptured. Double gross.

“Anyways, can we focus on the important bet, and the fact that this fuck is impossible! Seriously, Bev, babygirl, pick anyone else!” Richie whined, plopping his bony ass on the cement.

“First off, don’t call me ‘babygirl’,” she flicked the ash off the end of the joint at him, “Second, the deal was anyone. You either woo him or you don’t.”

Richie opened his mouth to complain again but Ben beat him to it.

“I’m sorry, but what are we talking about?”

The other three looked at each other in panic. Ben was friends with Eddie, there was no way he could find out what was going on. The whole thing would be ruined before it started.

“Nothin!” Richie squeaked, “Just uh… bet that I couldn’t ace a group project. I usually just bullshit a lot of that stuff and leave it up to the others if I can. Partner’s just a little… high strung.”

Bev groaned and Mike sighed. A horrible fucking lie. Richie was already trying to formulate a better one in his head.

Ben smiled, “That’s nice, a wholesome, supportive bet. But you really should just communicate with your partner. They might be nervous because of your history is all.”

Richie let out a sound of relief before realizing Ben’s advice could actually be helpful.

“Sure, but I already tried to talk to him and it didn’t go well,” he explained.

Bev and Mike raised their brows, catching on.

“Well, how did you talk to him?” Ben asked, “Was it an ambush or a friendly conversation?

Bev snorted, “Ambush, knowing Richie. He doesn’t do friendly conversations.”

“Maybe with you, because you’re on my ass all the time,” Richie shot back, “But uh, she’s right. Shouldn’t matter though, everyone knows that’s how Tough Guy Tozier does his business.”

Mike groaned, “Please don’t call yourself that ever again.”

“You’re just coming on too strong. You have to consider what he likes, what he wants. A good partnership comes with compromise and communication,” Ben nodded sagely.

Richie ruffled his hair, putting on his trusty British voice, “Thank you Advisor Hanscom. Your wisdom is greatly appreciated.”

Ben smiled awkwardly, his eyes going to Bev once again, “Course.”

He took the joint from Bev, inhaling the musty smoke and blowing it out his nostrils, the burning sensation familiar and welcome.

“And maybe, you should talk to him sober next time,” Mike suggested.

Richie laughed, “Don’t be ridiculous.”

By the time the final bell rang, he was still feeling defeated and unsure of his next move. Sure, he’d have to dial back his trashmouth charm, try to seem actually invested in Eddie but… that wasn’t going to happen if the brat never talked to him again. Richie had to find a way to break the tension between them, start fresh.

He sulked to his locker, pulling out his shit from the looming mess. Loose binder paper and pencils fell onto the ground, and Richie just wanted to bang his head against the wall of metal. Also, go home and smoke while playing video games but, mostly, hit his head repeatedly. Maybe he’d lose enough brain cells to forget the entire day.

After a few moments of excessive cursing, Richie grabbed what he needed and got everything that fell back into the locker. He noticed a new post it on the door just before he closed it.

Don’t give up :) <3 - mike

Richie smiled, and slammed the locker shut with a resounding clang. With a little stretch and a fix of his glasses, he strolled through the halls, making his way to the parking lot to wait for Mike.

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Bill and Stan loitering around the halls as well, engaged in (an undoubtedly boring) conversation.

He remembered Bill and Eddie’s facebook status’ about exciting plans for tomorrow night and decided he should investigate.

“Billiam! Staniel!” Richie called as he approached them, “What’s up?”

The two stopped talking and looked up, Bill smiling while Stan rolled his eyes.

“H-hey, Richie,” Bill waved. Richie noted that his stutter had gotten a lot better just over the past year. The two of them had shared a few classes when they were juniors and were pretty friendly with one another. At least compared to his relationship with Eddie and Stan, who also seemed to hate him for no reason.

Speaking of, the prim and proper boy was glaring at him, “Didn’t get enough of being a nuisance at lunch?”

Richie raised a brow, “Whatever do you mean?”

Stan scoffed, and opened his mouth to respond, but Bill put a hand on his shoulder, “N-nothing. Stan’s just… on edge. What’s up w-with you?”

“Not much, just trying to figure out what my plans are for tomorrow,” Richie shrugged, “Got any suggestions?”

“The only thing on your mind is where to party? Not surprised,” Stan quipped.

Richie shoved his hands in his pockets, biting his tongue. Snapping at Eddie was what caused his whole operation to go south, and he couldn’t mess up this second chance.

Bill ignored the tension between them, “Well, usually w-we don’t do t-t-too m-much, but it’s s-senior year. Probably going to Peter Gordon's party.”

“That kid’s an ass.”

“Coming from you, that’s rich,” Stan commented, his arms crossed.

His grinned, “Well, yeah, I am Rich.”

Stan sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose.

“Yeah, he is, but he’s also s-super wealthy,” Bill avoided another ‘rich’ pun, “Meaning he’ll h-h-ave q-q-quality shit.”

Richie beamed, “Ah, I get it. You’re Robin Hood-ing that fuck. I like your style Billy Boy.”

He clapped Bill on the shoulder, and the other boy blushed slightly, “W-well, it wasn’t j-just my idea. Eddie and Stan helped.”

“Eddie? He’s coming with you guys?”

Bill shook his head, “N-no. He was supposed to, b-b-but that art thing came up so he h-had to cancel.”

“Art thing?” Richie asked, suddenly intrigued. This was the information he wanted.

“Yeah,” Bill nodded, “It’s this show that happens every month. At Jester Theatre. He always goes.”

Stan not so subtly elbowed Bill in the ribs, hissing at him to shut up.

“W-what?!”

“Yeah, what’s got your steamed panties in a twist Uris?” Richie smirked.

Stan sent him a scowl, “You know very well Tozier. Eddie told us all about what you did at lunch. Back the fuck off.”

“S-stan, I don’t think he meant--”

“No, Bill, he did,” Stan interrupted, “I don’t know what your game is, but if you hurt him…”

Richie put his hands up in surrender, “Hey, I’m not going to hurt him. He seems pretty strong anyways. I mean no harm.”

Stan didn’t look convinced at all. Fair enough.

The air between the two was tense, but Bill broke it by clearing his throat, “So, uh, will w-we see you at the p-p-party?”

Richie shook his head ‘no’, “Probably not. I have some more sophisticated plans lined up.”

a/n: hope you liked it! next chapter is p much all richie and eddie so get excited. if you enjoyed i would love hearing your feedback

oh and this is eddie’s gay hat if you were curious

#reddie #reddie fic #he's all that #my writing #it fic #yeah still have no idea how to tag this

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emilywatchescursedshow · 3 years ago

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SPN S2 E5 - Simon Said

bong in the title card, great shit.

It's hot, I'm on edge, I'm hungry, time to eat and watch some spn instead of cleaning my dump of a room. It has been a WEEK and it's still not DONE yet hrhrhrh ok here we go

I'm skipping the recaps I don't care if they're indicative of anything I don't care how they're edited

We get a MOTW cold open!! Some phones, some guns, oh is this like that one xfilhosnuthastuhtematns (taze her again)

Oh jesus love suicide

Sam's wet

So we're establishing that Sam has a psychic connection to the demon. Also that the Roadhouse is the new, like dad's journal or something?

I ship Sam and Ash honestly

Oh right Sam got kicked off of never broke a bone last episode (his arm is in a cast) it's very generic arm cast and does not look like it would help a broken hand but w/e

He'll do it for.. a PBR

I am also horny for dean w Jo you and I are the same.

Dean knows all the lyrics to this song and is just singing it with no musical accompaniment. I guess this is how we learn he is also horny for jo?

The extras in this episode are struggling a bit. But I know shit about acting.

OH OHKAY SO. the scene they go look at the van, the song that's playing is from the "This Is Spinal Tap" soundtrack, it's not a "real" classic rock song bc Tap is a mock rock band. What a weird pull - I think the music is supposed to be diagetically coming from the car stereo. I guess it's what they could get rights to?

Sam is a demon sleeper agent

Again, why the fuck is this Stonehenge song in here. And why is it playing so obtrusively over this scene.

Didn't dean say he likes this van? Maybe he's the DND nerd.

Dean got jedi mind tricked into giving his car away that's fucking hilarious

What class of crime is pulling the fire alarm

"he full on obi-wanned me"

I guess the Black guy just *had* to die, time for guilty Sam

So Andy murdered Dr. Jennings? OH Andy is the psychic kid. Are we going to get a bunch of homicidal psychic kids. I hope Sam gets to be homicidal at some point, that would be fun. Sam could be a hot bitch killer I think.

Oh it's the bong shot. Reading philosophy like a poser.

Dean you could just go to a diner

This Dean can't help himself talking needs to be in every episode. Honestly it would be amazing if Sam became psychic enough that every time Dean was like "I'm not telling you about this" sam could just flash his little eyebrows and Dean compulsively confesses. I think that would do both of them good. I know that doesn't happen but. Missed opportunity.

Sam's not affected by the psychic thing, that's fun. Sam's abilities are pretty limp tbh.

This is starting to look exactly like the XFiles episode i was thinking of tbh, there's a psychic misderiction there too

So we have compulsion, telekenisis, and visions. I wonder if all the demon children have different powers

Classic "that's impossible" joke

Andy just wants to live in a van and honestly, same.

Oh i wanted to write earlier that I hate hearing Dean call his car baby

Dean is such a fucking nerd.

Evil twin twist. Andy is freaking out

Wait the brothers name is "Anson Weebs" uh what

Oh that's the brother huh.. that wasn't really set up. Also like, why would he kill his parent people

Why.. is she wearing only her slip??

Oh no it was just a vision.

Troubled little meow meow sam winchester

Why is she aware of the mind control?

I guess the brother wants to ruin Andy's life or something?

I could screw with more than just your head dean winchester dont fking... uh...

Oh ok so he's making her strip and then have sex with him this is a family tv show

The effects over the voice commands are a lot.

Psychic brother showdown. They both have to die so Sam is the only special demon child. I'm betting they both go over off the cliff

Oh so I guess this guy is just out of his mind wonderful. The man with the yellow eyes oh it's the demon's fault. That's kind of nice. Oh god is Dean going to snipe the evil brother?

Why did Andy have a gun?????

Yeah I get why the lady wouldn't trust him anymore

Sam not understanding the concept of self defense. "Everyone is capable of murder"

"What are you seven?" a good question. Sam's face at Dean is correct.

Fell on Black Days - I guess they got the rights for this Soundgarden song

Dean is not a team player

So the demon is just behaving randomly... great.

#supernatural #supernatural liveblog #s2e5 #spn

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alicedoessurveys · 6 years ago

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VERY long survey

Where have you lived throughout your life?

Birmingham UK

Do you find your job rewarding?

N/A

What kind of cake did you have for your last birthday?

chocolate

To you, which is better: English muffins or bagels?

I enjoy both, but bagels.

Do you paint your nails?

yes. although they're not painted at the moment because ive been cleaning the house so much the past couple days and its stripped my varnish off

What’s the last website you signed up for?

a dating thing

Do you check your email everyday?

yes, I cant stand having the little red number above the mail app

Have you created any pages on Facebook?

yes but I dont have them anymore

Is there a subject that you absolutely suck at?

every subject, but especially maths and science

What’s your favourite song by Dave Matthews Band?

I dont know any

Are there people you have absolutely nothing in common with, but still enjoy talking to?

I dot particularly enjoy talking to anyone :’)

Have you ever wandered around drunk with your friend?

yes, we wondered around through the middle of Birmingham at 4am

Are you good at holding back your laughter if needed?

haha nope

Have you ever been so unfortunate to suffer from a hangover?

yes

Have you ever had a panic attack?

many, I had to drop out of college because of them

Are you deathly allergic to anything?

nope

Have you ever had a mouse in your house?

nope

Do you know anyone who DOESN’T have an ex?

myself

Is anyone you know really religious?

my family

Are your eyebrows naturally thick?

yes

Has speaking in front of people ever made you sick?

not physically sick, but definitely felt it. the worst experience Ive had with speaking was in college when I had to give a speech then teach a 10 minute class. my throat totally dried up and I literally couldnt speak. everyone just stared at me and I was trying so hard not to cry. longest 10 minutes of my life and as soon as it finished I legged it out the room and burst into tears.

What was the last movie that made you teary-eyed?

Mary Poppins Returns almost got me but the last film to actually make me cry was Coco. That shit had me SOBBING!

Have you had two friends that absolutely hated each other?

yes

Has a laptop ever burned your legs?

not really, I put a cushion on my lap normally

Do you know anyone who has a scar through their eyebrow?

Who was the last person to flip you off?

probably rhys, as a joke

Anyone’s birthday coming up soon?

my dad turns 50 next week

Would you ever wear fake eyelashes?

I have done a few times but they annoy me

Are you good at following directions?

no no no I get confused very easily

Do you have someone that you can just act a fool with and not care?

yes rhys

From where you’re sitting, can you touch a wall?

if I reach behind me

When at a restaurant, do you put your napkin on your lap?

occasionally, it depends where I am and what im eating

Do you prefer electric or manual pencil sharpeners?

manual

Are your biceps at all noticeable?

they used to be before they went into hiding under a layer of fat

Have you ever seen a walrus?

nope

When it comes to dropping food, do you believe in the 10 second rule?

no, I believe in the ‘what food is it’ and ‘how dirty is the floor’ rules

If given the opportunity, would you ride on a camel?

yes. I was supposed to have gone on a camel ride in Tunisia ages ago but I was ill so we didn't get to go

Do you believe that cellphones actually do cause cancer?

they could be. the number of people getting cancer has gone up a lot since everyone has mobile phones

When people you know cry, does it make you feel like crying too?

depends who it is

Do you tend to jump to conclusions?

yes. Im an anxious person so im constantly overthinking and I also find people really hard to read and can get

Are you good at remembering your friends’ birthdays?

yes my brain cant remember important things but when it comes to dates its like a sponge

Is there something you need to do, that you’re trying to avoid doing?

getting a job

Ever pop someone else’s pimple?

ew no

How long does it take you to fall asleep?

about 15 minutes depending on how tired I am

Do you crack your neck often?

no that freaks me out

Did you have a weird dream last night?

not that I can remember, I have been having a lot of weird dreams this week because im ill

Who do you sometimes compare yourself to?

everyone. especially when im at the theatre, im constantly watching other people and wishing I could act like they can or look like them or have their style

Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things?

both

In what way are you your own worst enemy?

every way, I dont look after myself at all

What activities make you lose track of time?

sims

When you help someone do you ever think, “What’s in it for me?”

not really

Who do you tell your secrets to?

these surveys

Who do you live with?

my parents and our foster kids

When did/will you graduate?

I didn't

When are you moving next?

I have no idea. probably never

When is the last time you took a vitamin?

this morning, im fighting a cold

Why are you stressed?

im not too bad right now tbh

Do you need to return anyone’s phone call?

nope

Where do you keep your birth certificate?

no clue, my mom has it somewhere

How many books are in your room?

a lot. I have quite a few on display and a whole bunch hidden away in my closet because theres no space for them anywhere else. I'll include some photos of the books in my room;

(the book on my bedside table in the second picture is actually a lamp that lights up when you open it)

Have you ever been IN a wedding?

nope

What was the last thing you laughed out loud at?

probably my mom

Do you have a nickname? Why?

my family call my bongy or Ali bong, I dont know why.. (my name is Alice)

Have you ever had a bad concert experience?

nope

When was the last time someone told you that you were beautiful/good-looking? Do people often tell you this?

my mom tells me almost every day but Im like youre my mom of course you would say that

Are you missing someone of the opposite sex atm?

Want someone back in your life?

meh

Are you currently sad about anything?

actually nope

Are you wearing anything shiny?

my pj top has glittery silver letters on

How important is a sense of humor in a significant other?

very, I fall very easily for people who make me laugh

How many followers do you have on Twitter?

198 (@alicethenerd if ya wanna follow 😉)

Do you sleep with the door open or closed?

closed. I aint about letting those murderers and monsters just waltz straight in easy peasy

Have you ever been to the beach?

yes every summer since I was a kid

Can you handle blood?

nope

Do you pay your bills or do your parents?

I pay my own bills. no way my dad would be up for paying my bills, he already digs at me constantly about the fact that I live rent free even though I look after the foster kids and tidy the house more than he does

What’s your best friend’s middle name?

Connor

Has any place hired you underage for a job?

not officially

Have you ever barely passed a grade/year in school?

yes

Have you ever carried a concealed weapon?

Have you ever tried to sell something overpriced to someone?

Do you plan to become very wealthy some day?

I hope to become wealthy enough to not worry about having enough money to put fuel in my car anymore and to be able to pay back my parents and grandad for everything they've done for me

Do you remember your first time going to the movies?

no, but my earliest cinema memory was going to watch Monsters Inc with my dad when it was first released

Does eating breakfast make you sick?

if I try to eat before a certain time yes

Are you dying to say something to someone right this minute?

not dying to nope

Book series you enjoyed reading recently?

im reading eve of man atm which apparently is going to be a series

Do you enjoy lying in the grass during the summer, and just existing?

I prefer lying on a blanket, I dont like the feel of grass and I dont like the bugs crawling around

Do you have a passport? If so, how many stamps do you have in it?

yes, it doesn't have many stamps in because I lost the one that did have lots in and I havent been away much since getting the new one

Are there any keys on your keyboard that have letters fading away?

nope

Do any of your close friends have children?

What do you plan on having for dinner?

we already had dinner, we had chippy

Do you like Chinese food, or do you find it disgusting?

I only really like one meal

Have the police ever come knocking on your door looking for someone?

actually yes, literally a few weeks ago

Know anybody who works in a tattoo parlor?

yes, my second cousin

Have you ever played flashlight tag?

ive never heard of it

Could you call yourself a movie buff?

not really, im a huge movie fan but theres still a lot I need to see

Have you ever had a piercing get infected?

never had a piercing

Do you check your fire alarms when you’re supposed to?

dad does it

Are you a shorts wearing kind of person?

nope nope nope, my legs are not suitable for public viewing :’)

Is your grandparents’ house obsessively tidy?

not really no. my nan and grandpa’s house is always neat but not obsessively neat. my grandads house is full of clutter because my nan was a hoarder

About how much can you bench press?

I dont know, I havent lifted in years

Have you ever had your phone die on you in the middle of a conversation?

yes

Is anybody in your family a carpenter?

Are you avoiding someone?

yes

Do you call your boyfriend “Monkey”?

I dont have a boyfriend but if I did I doubt id call him monkey

What’s your favorite primary color?

yellow #hufflepuffpride

What were you for Halloween?

nothing, I didn't dress up

Do you have any clothes from Walmart?

nope, we dont have Walmart here

When did you get a Facebook?

about 10 years ago

What color are your eyes?

green/hazel

What motivates you?

happiness

Can you walk in heels?

nope

When was the last time someone asked you your age?

the other day, my own mother forgot how old I was

Do you keep a journal?

not really

Have you ever tried a weird flavor of vodka?

never had vodka

Do you wear a ring on your finger?

occasionally

What are you doing?

watching ‘the greatest dancer’ and wondering if this survey is ever going to end

What’s the last kind of soup you ate?

tomato

Do you currently have a sunburn?

no. its winter

Who did you last text?

my sister

Who’d you last call? About what?

my mom, to ask her to come downstairs and let the dogs out because the baby was asleep on me and there was no way I was going to risk waking her up

Are you currently frustrated with someone?

yes

Do you drink water or soda more often?

water

Do you straighten your hair?

yes

When did you last talk to your brother or sister?

today

What is your least favorite vegetable?

all of them

Outside of family, name 3 people that make you smile/laugh often.

Rhys, Addison, Jacob

In school, what subjects did you achieve your highest grades in?

Was there a subject that you enjoyed, but weren’t too good at?

I didn't really enjoy any subjects at school

When was the last time something didn’t go to plan? What happened?

today. I had planned to deep clean the bathroom but I went super dizzy and had to give up half way through cleaning

Do you have any children? If not, at what age do you think you’ll feel ready to be a parent?

I dont but I am seriously considering adopting one of our foster babies atm. I want to adopt anyway, theres no way I could be pregnant

When was the last time you bought a new item of clothing?Describe it.

I honestly cant remember, im due a shopping trip

Was your last Facebook friend request from a male or female?

female

Do you have an item of clothing that makes you feel especially beautiful? Describe it.

not really no

Think of the last person that betrayed you. If they said they were sorry, would you forgive them?

I would cautiously forgive him but I would also make sure he knew that how he treated me was not okay and that he really upset me and this would be his last chance. but tbh I think hes done with me so 🤷🏻‍♀️

Nastiest thing you’ve ever done?

I dont know, I dont like being nasty

Have you ever been in a lighthouse?

nope

What colour is your shower?

I think its silver, ive ever actually noticed

Where do you order your pizza from?

dominos

When is the last time you had a serious talk with someone?

few days ago

Do you find that you have a certain meal you eat every time you go to certain restaurants?

yes, im a creature of habit

What colour is your bike?

silver & purple

What word can you not stand to hear people say?

the c word, I cant even type it

What room of your house are you in?

living room

What is the temperature in your city right now?

9°c

When did you last use a post-it-note?

last week in the script for the show im currently working on

Would you ever want to own your own restaurant?

yes

Do you have a fan in your bedroom?

no I dont like them, they make too much noise

Who is the last person that you took a picture with?

one of our foster kids

When is the last time you were stuck in a fairly long traffic jam?

the weekend before christmas

Do you have certain friends that you hug every time you see them?

not many

When was your most recent trip to an aquarium?

almost two years ago

What do you like in your salads and what dressing do you prefer?

I dont like salads

If it has one, do you ever use the notepad function in your phone?

all the time, Im constantly writing lists or reminders to myself

How good would you say your memory is?

long term good, short term bad

About how many times during the night do you wake up from your sleep?

a few times

Are there any air fresheners in your house? What kinds?

multiple, we have plugs in and sprays and those automatic ones that go off every 15 minutes

What’s one thing you’re glad you’ve done recently?

done my laundry :’) im on my last pair of pants!

Have you ever done something sexual that you regret?

Do you like to sit in the sun and tan when it’s hot out?

not really, I dont like being too hot

Ever had a person who was obsessed with you so much that it scared you?

Can you drive, and if you can, do you like it?

yes, I love driving most of the time

Have you ever said anything to the last person you kissed that you regret?

Do you like french fries?

yes

Have you ever eaten so much you puked?

not since I was a kid

Do you care about what others think of your physical appearance?

annoyingly yes

Would you rather go to Greece or France?

greece

#survey #long #very fucking long

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1-800-shadowhunter · 7 years ago

Text

I was tagged by @love-ndletter, Thank baby cakes!!!

Rules: Answer these 92 statements and tag 20 people. (im tagging mutuals id like to get to know better, whether we’ve talked before or not!)

I tag: @beanbagbartoon @fineapple @rathersmallbird @velvetmojito @monjinki @pinklesbian @lunasgfriend @4xuanyi (I don;t know enough people to tag 20 lol, also you dont have to if you dont wanna)

THE LAST:

1. Drink: Pepsi 2. Phone call: It was my mother 3. Text message: Also to my mum, telling her my kfc order lmao 4. Song you listened to: Boys - Charlie xcx (great song omg) 5. Time you cried: I cried earlier today because I accidentally texted my driving instructor my kfc order. Tears of laughter not sadness lol

HAVE YOU: 6. Dated someone twice: nope 7. Kissed someone and regretted it: nope 8. Been cheated on: never 9. Lost someone special: yeah 10. Been depressed: I don’t think so 11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: nope but my friend did, on my rug omg

LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS: 12-14: Emerald green, baby pink and Teal

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU: 15. Made new friends: absolutely 16. Fallen out of love: nope 17. Laughed until you cried: all the bloody time 18. Found out someone was talking about you: yup 19. Met someone who changed you: yes? 20. Found out who your friends are: nah did that a while ago 21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: does family count?

GENERAL: 22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: like 99%. I think all of them 23. Do you have any pets: I have one dog 24. Do you want to change your name: Idk I’ve been thinking about changing my last name 25. What did you do for your last Birthday: I went out for dinner with my family and a friend 26. What time did you wake up: 10:30 ish but like didnt get out of bed till 11 lol 27. What were you doing at midnight last night: sleeping, I was tired from work 28. Name something you can’t wait for: I have my AS results soon so I can’t wait to find out if I’m gonna fail at life (omg if i cry on results day…) 29. When was the last time you saw your mom: A couple of hours ago, its like after 1am here 30. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: I wish I cared more things, like anything 31. What are you listening right now: Wee woo - Pristin 32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: I know a couple of Tom’s so yeah 33. Something that is getting on your nerves: my lack of motivation for anything omg 34. Most visited Website: this godforsaken website omg

LOST QUESTIONS. I JUST PUT IN RANDOM INFO ABOUT ME

35. Mole/s: Yeah I have a really small one 36. Mark/s: I have 2 weird birthmark looking things one my arm and one on my back 37. Childhood dream: No idea, I remember my dreams changed a lot 38. Haircolor: Darkish brown 39. Long or short hair: Its more on the long side 40. Do you have a crush on someone: nope. 41. What do you like about yourself: I think I have a good sense of humor, I like making people laugh 42. Piercings: Just my ears 43. Bloodtype: No idea but I did have a blood test recently, I should probably find out lol 44. Nickname: Tay, that’s it really 45. Relationship status: single 46. Zodiac: Aquarius 47. Pronouns: she/her 48. Favorite TV Show: Brooklyn nine nine, Peaky blinders, Hell’s kitchen, Strong woman Do Bong Soon 49. Tattoos: nope 50. Right or left hand: I am right handed 51. Surgery: I fractured my finger when I was 8 or so 52. Hair dyed in different color: I had highlights once 53. Sport: Lol sport okay Theres no 54 :( 55. Vacation: I haven’t been on holiday for a while, my last holiday was Greece 56. Pair of trainers: I own a few pairs my faves are Addidas Superstars (I’m so basic omg)

MORE GENERAL: 57. Eating: The last thing I ate was kfc 58. Drinking: Last thing I drank was pepsi 59. I’m about to: Maybe read? Idk its almost 2am 61. Waiting for: myself to finally go to sleep omg 62. Want: to get my bloody eyeshadow palette 63. Get married: Maybe one day 64. Career: Idk what I want

WHICH IS BETTER 65. Hugs or kisses: Hugs (I’m pretty sure I change my answer to this everytime lol) 66. Lips or eyes: Lips 67. Shorter or taller: Both are good but taller cause I’m a tol gal 68. Older or younger: Both are good (as long as not too old and not too young) but I’ll say older 70. Nice arms or nice stomach: nice arms I guess(Idk I don’t really care) 71. Sensitive or loud: loud!!! 72. Hook up or relationship: relationship 73. Troublemaker or hesitant: hesitant

HAVE YOU EVER: 74. Kissed a stranger: nope 75. Drank hard liquor: yup, love me some Vodka 76. Lost glasses/contact lenses: all the bloody time 77. Turned someone down: yes 78. Sex on the first date: nope 79. Broken someone’s heart: probably not 80. Had your heart broken: yeah, not relationship wise 81. Been arrested: nope 82. Cried when someone died: yup 83. Fallen for a friend: don’t think so

DO YOU BELIEVE IN: 84. Yourself: sometimes 85. Miracles: maybe??? 86. Love at first sight: Nah 87. Santa Claus: nope 88. Kiss in the first date: I don’t see why not? 89. Angels: yup

OTHER: 90. Current best friends name: I have a bunch of besties 91. Eye color: Brown eyes 92. Favorite movie: I’ve been put on the spot omg IDK. Sorority row, Mean girls, The worlds end, Bridget Jones’ Diary, The princess and the frog, Pretty woman, Maid in Manhattan, THERES MORE BUT IDK

#tags #(dj khaled voice) another one

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midwestqueer · 5 years ago

Note

Care to do all odds?

1.what song off a otherwise popular album do you think more people need to hear?

one ive picked up recently is 1937 state park off car seat headrest’s teens of denial. otherwise my fav song off frank ocean’s blonde is solo which ive always thought a bit underrated

3.who do you think is/ are the most overrated artist/ band?

ariana grande lmao. but hm for bands... joy division for sure lmao i dont care for them. also FUCKING DEATH GRIPS... and although i like her ms king princess is overrated 🥴

5.share a little known fact about a band/ artist you love?

when i saw the front bottoms in person i got this little book filled with photos and my favorite is a photo of brian with a bong lmao.

7.how much do you actually like those artists, be honest.

i think this follows six abt recs. hm depending on the person i tailor recs obvi but i would say i dont hide my favorite artists or songs usually. rather i probably underplay lmao

9.how do you make your playlists?

its about atmospheres for me. like ill have one scene in my head and start comparing songs that would fit it. kinda like a movie soundtrack? i would say. so usually i have an image or place in mind and fit the music to it.

11.what artist have you pretended to listen to to fit in or sound cool?

TAME IMPALA LMAOO i dont actually like them that much .... i know there are a ton of artists but i cant think of any.

13.i know you say you hate modern pop, but do you actually? if so, why?

yes yes yes yes yes i cant stand it idk what it is but i just cannot do it i think its boring and just not the vibe i look for when i listen to music usually. also the lyrics are just. not good and thats a big reason for me to listen in the first place

15.be honest, do you listen to any female artists? if you do do you feel superior to the other pretentious music kids because of it?

i have been recently. there are a lot of talented women in the indie alternative sound. j dont see why it would make me better tho?

17.do you think going to a big venue is worth it to see an artist live?

i prefer small but yes the big venues ive gone to have been worth it! i wouldnt say that that opinion could be applied to most big venues tho.

19.what artist did you know about before they got big?

still woozy, clairo, rex orange county, 21p, ajr (🤢), and this one is a weird flex but cash cash who i think is a one hit wonder from like 2015 but i listened to their shitty electronic music in like 2010. also i am so far removed from popular music i dont know what getting big is anymore

21.“no one should be judged for their taste in music” do you agree with this statement?

no lmao never have never will a persons music taste speaks volumes about them

23.what artist can you absolutely not stand?

ariana grande

25.do you watch anthony fantano? if o how much do you let him influence your taste in music?

ive been a fan of his since 2015. i dont really let him affect my music taste bc we have very different tastes and 5% of the time does he cover music i know. i like to hop into his monthly ones to explore artists

0 notes

joannawillshrink · 7 years ago

Text

shower thoughts

only this is a thought coming up while watching a Dr Who special called the end of the world part two.

Which I think is a humorous title. End of the world, PART TWO. anyway

The Master character is the baddie and he has a drumming in his head, constantly, driving him crazy. The Doctor says he could help. And the Master replies in a misty voice, “I dont know what I’d be, without that noise.”

Made me immediately think about myself and current life, without my Mom. Like when people lose someone close to them, common advice or like, motivational talk is “go make them proud” and whatnot. And I’m thinking, I wonder if she can see me and see what I’ve become. So bored and depressed and stagnant, different. Because I really do feel very very different. I’m changed. And I dont like it.

But I then went on to think about myself in a break up. How I want the other person to miss me. How I, in a twisted way, think its kindof flattering when someone is fucked up after losing me. Which is partially why I’m having a hard time knowing Jesse is fine and has moved on. Because I want to be mourned more. I want to have more visibly affected him.

And I wonder if, and I’m not saying that my Mom is in any way twisted, or thinking maliciously... this is just my weird thought trail,

But like, if I died and my family were really “fine” quite quickly afterwards, I feel like I’d be a bit bothered! Is that so immature of me? Like of course I’d want them to be functioning and get out there and do their thing, but not like... too soon! I guess everybody copes differently... I feel very out of touch with what other peoples’ lives are actually like. But just, I feel like my world is much more shattered than I was ready for. But is that my fault? For not “getting over it” faster? But Mom was everything, beyond words of worth or value, her love was like gravity. And it was August 9th, 2015 when it happened. Wow, I just had to look up the year. I guess its been longer than I thought? I dont know. I just feel like my processors are broken.

Anyways. I feel like I have so much to unpack about this. “I dont know who I’d be without that noise.” Like, I am now a girl without her Mom. I am Joanna without my Mom. And I dont know who I am. I held on to what I thought was normal, with my relationship with Jesse. But now that ending obliterated the false bonds I had convinced myself were working. The phantom ties.

Theyre gone, and I feel untethered. More purposeless than ever.

When I didnt know who I was before, I leaned against trying to be a good daughter. That was a wall of my definition of self. But now that wall is gone, with her. I still want to be a good daughter, but showing up for her and having her love and friendship is gone. I know the tra-la-la “she’s always with you” but I mean, in real-time, its gone.

And its like, a break up. If you get over it too easily, it kindof seems like it wasnt that big of a deal to you.

But unconditional love is different, right?

I dont even think I know what unconditional love means. I dont think humans are that perfect. I dont think its genuinely possible to unconditionally love someone.

I find it hard to believe that Jesse cared for me that way. I dont think he thinks of me, I think he nothings me. You know? When its like, I dont like you, but I dont dislike you. I nothing you.

I wish I nothing’ed him. I dislike him right now. I dont want bad luck to befall him, but I wish I didnt have to witness his happiness. Because I’m jealous. I want to be happy. When I’m upset and other people are happy I feel like theyre bragging about it, rubbing it in my face. Especially when its a partner or friend, and especially especially when its an Ex.

I used to fear talking to my mom on the phone because if I was sad and needed help or support, she was always more sad. Sadder. And needed MY help. Or if I was happy, and wanted to share it, I was afraid it would sound braggy or she’d feel lesser-than compared to what I had going on. Like, at the beginnings of things with Jesse, I’d mention a detail about kissing or holding hands or something, and she’d get weird about it and throw in some comment about “I wish your father still kissed me” or “goodness, I miss that” or something.

I worry thats rubbed off onto me. If I’m upset, like, deeply bothered, I dont want other people around me to be good at walking away. I want to be seen, and to effect others. If I’m crying I want someone else’s mood to change if they see me or hear my story. I want to be respected for enduring the things that are happening. I feel like when people hear a sad personal tale or listen to what youre feeling at the moment, and get up at the end and are fine and just walk away, its incredibly rude and unfeeling and gross. Offensive, even. Maybe thats playing too much of the victim.

The lawyer in me immediately says “stop wasting your energy trying to get other people to be sad like you, to see you for how sad you are, and use that energy to do something about your own sadness”

but if youre sad, and just put in the energy to make it go away, is that fixing it? or just ignoring it?

is ignoring pain the secret to success? just, get on with it? never let it catch up to you?

I wonder if thats everyones suppressed secret. That they ARE in pain, but just running from it.

I want to be heard and to share my story before I can move on from it. Its like airing out a ghost. Giving it its proper attention and respect so its existence is justified, giving it love, really. I want even the sad parts to be loved.

So when someone just gets up and walks away unphased from a story I’m explaining, I dont feel love or connection or anything at all. It almost adds to the pain itself. Setting it further back down the hill with even more to climb to escape.

I stay in bed a lot. I’m not sure how to air out being upset about my ex Jesse. I want to run my mouth about the shit he was in our relationship. I was lousy too, but different. Definitely no saint, but I understand the quiet spectrum in the motivation of cheaters. Not all cheaters. But I get why some do what they do. Because I seeked out attention from other men, men from my past, because I needed more, but didnt want to give up what could maybe be built with Jesse. I was scared to lose the potential of him. But he behaved so coldly, often cruelly emotionally to me, both in obvious but also very quiet subtle ways, that I needed to be around the energy of men who knew me before all that. Old friends who knew my sparkle. Because I needed to remember it, myself. I wished and wished and wished Jesse saw my sparkle, at the beginning of our relationship I thought he did. Which is why I decided to move to his city from my own, and really give it a try.

But I felt like just another hobby in his life, another thing that needed his precious time. I felt juggled between work, his band, and his motorcycle. Literally, if I saw his eyes light up because he ordered another guitar pedal or motorcycle part, I knew it meant less time/money/enthusiasm for me or our time together. This literally happened, time and time again.

And after losing the one person in my life who I knew I was their everything,

I needed to be loved more. I needed to be loved more than a new amplifier. I needed to have someone look at me and get excited like they would when something new would arrive from Amazon.

I needed to be appreciated for more than just when I was game to have sex.

I needed to have my sparkle be seen and fanned.

So I diminished, and I felt, after a while, that he didnt deserve me. That he didnt deserve my best. So when I traveled or was around old flames or friends who I knew understood me and made me feel great just being me, I gave THEM my best. Which, in black and white on paper, is cheating, and isnt cool.

But my heart needed it. I shouldve broken up with Jesse so much sooner than I did.

But now, we ARE broken up, and I’m super fucked up about it still. I’m glad we’re not together, but in a way like... he treated me this way when we WERE together. Indifferent, not seeing how special I am. How great we could be.

So its like... I guess he’s acting exactly the same. It hurt this much within the relationship, too... but when we were together at least I could yell at him about it. It felt good to yell at somebody for what hurts. His lack of attention still hurts, but now I have no right to get into a fight with him about it.

Its all to be expected. His behavior. He left his wife to be with me. Someone of 8 fucking years. And he never talked about her really. So why should I be surprised that he doesnt talk about me, or miss me, or seem forlorn. He didnt seem forlorn for her. He was barely single. He wasnt single. He jumped right from her to me. And now he’s very shortly on to the next. I really shouldnt be surprised.

It would be easier if he wasnt so entrenched in all the people I know.

Theres always a risk of seeing him out. I wish I was more mature about this. But honestly I’d feel the same even if we were just friends from the start. Its like seeing someone you just simply dont like, regardless of context. If someones a jerk, you dont want them to be where you are.

I may leave Austin. Its weird, being trapped by comfort. My house is pretty good. Like, the shape of the house itself is cute. Theres a porch. Theres a patio, and a coffee shop across the street.

But I dont feel happy here. I have no idea where I’d go. But I’m sick of living in a pot house. EEEVery day its bowl bong weed pot cough cough sneeze laugh lame joke bong bong lame joke bad pun leaving dishes fucking everywhere hoarding objects and never using them leaving dirt and coats and shoes and opened mail and bullshit all over the place.

I feel like I cant bitch because I dont have a job. I’m lazing around sleeping 80% of the day because... of what? Because of sadness, because I dont really want to go out there. I dont want to interact with my roommates who I find annoying. I dont want to take a walk around the neighborhood that I think its pretty boring. I dont want to go to bars and feel less than my past self. Fatter. Older. Uglier. I dont want to go feel my inadequacy proven right. Jesse treated me that way. I moved here five months after my Mom died. Brand new city.

And I didnt get a job. I didnt do a whole lot of anything. And he hated me for it. He didnt understand and it leaked in. It absolutely showed.

So now its February 2018. So many months have passed. And I’m still not doing anything. I just dont want to. I dont know where to get a job here, I dont want to commit my time to something that doesnt feel like anything. I want to exercise but it requires a 15 minute drive to get there. I want to cook but our kitchen is so fucking cluttered it drives me nuts.

Am I too uptight? Like, is this coming off like I cant function unless somethings perfect?

Im sure it sounds that way... I just... feel no spark. When my new roommate cleaned the bathroom and had music going and was doing the shit I normally do, I felt so pleased and relatable, it was marvelous. But then other two roommates come home and toss their coats all over and smoke weed and plop down watching stupid shows, and it just..

Should I try to be more of a leader? Force my way through it and burn my own trail? If theyre watching dumb shit, suggest something better? Take an active interest in life?

I definitely have been passive. I want other people to be interesting. I want to be intrigued by someone’s starting something. Somebody to already have the breadcrumbs laid down and I get to follow them and add to the adventure. I dont know if I have the energy to take the risk of being bold and leading the way, not knowing the caliber of people I’m talking to or bringing with me. Like, I want to spend energy being great around someone I already think is great. I miss having crushes. If I think someone is awesome, I feel like I then get to be super awesome too, in hopes that showing my favorite self, enjoying my own shine... that they’ll notice and enjoy it too.

But like, why shine for boring people? I dont have any interest in that. I dont want to impress people that dont impress me.

That sounds super bitchy but whatever.

Anyways. I’m way off track.

I just remembered that I need to call my Aunt Carol, who I think is mad at me, because she retired today and I’m overdue to call her. I really dont want to but it needs to be done. Calling a family member that you know is disappointed in you is NEVER fun. I feel the weight on my chest already. Okay, gonna call her. I’ll write again soon.

#emotion journal #rant

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