#if that seems low it's because i am a harsh grader and also bc i think small changes would have made a drastic impact

[fadewalking]

I did it. I finally beat this game.

[ib-suffering]

Update #3

Sooo this is a continuation of my other two updates that I posted recently. If you haven't read those and are interested in reading my thoughts on my exams, the results, and the advice I may have on any of the courses I took; they're not too far down on my blog, so they shouldn't be too hard to find (and I'm not just saying this bc I couldn't get the urls to hyperlink them on mobile 😅). But I did promise that I would finish my updates with information on my first year of college and what I've been up to recently.

Alrighty, so I spent my first year of college at Boise State University (I'll probably shorten it to BSU for most of this post).

For those of you who have never heard of Boise State, let me give you the highlights. Smack dab in the middle of downtown Boise, Idaho lies Idaho's top research institution. Which is promotional talk for: "We're a college football giant that also happens to have some sciences and liberal arts." BSU is obsessed with their football team, the players admired like celebrities, and game days turning most of the small city into a ghost town, the exception being the the small campus. That being said, BSU is very much a party school, even though it is technically a dry campus (a mistake, if you ask me, given the thousands of dollars they could make serving alcohol at games, but I digress). Boise itself is a beautiful city, and the convenience of campus being downtown and the beautiful weather from April-October makes it a treat to live in. Campus is beautiful, being right on the Boise River (which became a place I frequented when I needed a minute to myself). And Idaho itself is a beautiful state, though most of it is empty hills/farm land. This was a hard transition for me. Though my family is from Iowa (a state very similar to Idaho in many respects), I have spent most of my life in Vegas, a city that has been dubbed "the city that never sleeps" for a reason. Boise is much quieter. Most places close around 8, the rest at 10. And for someone who would take a break from homework to go grab a drink from the convenience store at 1 am, this was a shock for me. And I was very much still in that 11pm to 3 am grind from high school. Aside from that, I had mostly great professors. I am a bio major. And am planning on adding on anthropology as a second major. I bonded fast with my bio professors. I was very friendly with my comm prof, my profs, and my anthro profs. I had an on-going friendly hockey rivalry with one of my bio profs and the student teacher for my anthro class (Go Knights Go!). One of my anthro profs even offered me the opportunity to work further with him on a project I had for his classes. He was impressed with my work and I adored him as a teacher and was excited to work one-on-one with him, especially since he has a reputation for being a harsh grader. If I could impress someone like that, then I was excited to do so over and over again.

So here's the tough part to admit. I'm not at BSU right now. I'm in Vegas (which, for those that do not know, is home for me). And not in school. And know that this is difficult for me. I went from the constant grind of the IB program to sitting at home trying to get my life together. And it's been hard to accept this. Especially, especially because of the amazing opportunity I was offered. I was so proud to have been offered this as a freshman. But, I know that I have made the right choice. And my professor was very understanding, for which I am grateful, and I hope you will be too. And more than anything, I want you to take something from this story that I am about to tell. I know this has been a long post so far, and if you're still here, thank you. But stay buckled, because we're at the beginning of a saga. There will be some highs and some lows, a lot of drama with some comedic relief, and a story of friendship, how it may bitterly end or triumph over all other things. Enjoy.

Allow me to introduce you to our cast (Names will be shortened to a letter or two to keep things relatively anonymous. Shit does go down and there will be secret sharing in the hope that I can give valid advice in its wake):

L- a roommate of mine

M- another roommate

A- another roommate

C- yet another roommate, but she joins the cast a bit later

J- a great friend, met at BSU but he also happens to be from Vegas

R- an unlikely friend

T- M's friend

AG- a small group of army guys that join in later

K-potential love-interest

And I think that'll do. Now, onto the story!

I lived in a suite-style dorm. Four of us lived there, each of with individual rooms. The basic layout was two bedrooms and a bathroom on each side of the dorm with a living room, laundry unit, and kitchen in the middle. M and I shared one side while A and L shared the other. All of us were relatively shy and were placed together randomly as we hadn't used the roommate-selection app the school used. But we didn't have much issue at the beginning. I first bonded with A, introducing her to another friend early on. M and I bonded quickly as well seeing as we shared our own hall. L is fairly shy, so it took awhile longer, but it turned out that her and I just naturally click and still have a fantastic friendship to this day (Read: the same cannot be said for others in this story). L, M, and I easily worked around each other, with each other. A spent most time in her room or at work, but things still seemed pleasant with her. However, she didn't seem like she wanted to hang out with us whenever we did things as a group, so we stopped knocking on her door to ask.

Over the next many weeks, things grew more tense. It was gradual, so none of us were fully aware at the time, but looking back, it was obvious. M invited me to go with her to T's apartment one night. Her and I were interested in drinking (side note: it's up to you imo if you wish to drink in college, but I will insist: always have someone sober around. They will make sure you are safe the the location you are at, get home safe, and will be there for you to help you through your lowest moments and to recount them with you in the morning). T had alcohol. We partaked a little, and I got to get to know T and his roommate, K. It was a good night.

The next night, however, was the breaking point. M and I went over to T and K's again, but this time they took us to a party a floor below their's. We definitely had more to drink that night. I discovered my bartending skills that night, M found her limit and blacked out, and K and I got to hang out a bit more. K had a sober friend that drove us back to the dorm that night. They also helped us upstairs (remember, sober friend). M and I were definitely loud and giggling, and A came out her room to yell at us about not being able to sleep because of our behavior and our upstairs neighbors partying (a nightly occurrence). She went back to her room, slamming the door behind her. L also came out of her room, but instead of yelling at us, she help us through the drunkenness and eventual vomiting, staying up the whole night to do so.

The favour was repaid when M and I picked her up from her first party and walked her home. We stayed by the bathroom all night to make sure she was okay. And it was good to be able to repay the favour.

A felt alienated. And as I said before, that night was the breaking point. The next day, M, L, and I woke up to a letter on our kitchen table outlining her grievances. She didn't feel like our friend. We didn't invite her out anymore, we weren't there for her when she needed us, and she felt like it had to do with our drinking and her not wanting to.

The three of us sat on my side of the dorm, with the hall door closed. And we read the letter and talked it through. We felt bad that she felt that way, but we knew that we never intended that. And that we couldn't be blamed for it all. And that a letter shouldn't have been left for us. That if we were going to resolve this, we would do it in person. This is lesson number two. Resolve things face to face. Children fight through notes/texts/letters. As adults, we knew that we had to sit down together and talk it through. It's hard. You will be nervous. But it made that conversation better. We invited her out and it was awkward. But we went down the list. We made compromises, we learned more about each other. And though things were still tense afterwards, no one felt uncomfortable in their own home. And that's what mattered.

Fast forward to the end of the semester. A moved out. It wasn't because of us, she also had family problems and she wanted to move in with her boyfriend in Texas. We understood and left things on amicable terms. They're engaged now. I'm happy for them.

January. New semester. M, L, and I are living well. T comes over occasionally. K does too, he's also our alc plug. Him and I are still talking, but not much is happening there. I haven't mentioned C yet, but we met her the previous semester, but start hanging out more this semester. She knows that A moved out and is interested in moving in with us. We originally agreed, but after talking about it amongst the three of us, we weren't sure about it. Nevertheless, she moves in.

And it seems to be going well, and we made friends with J through a friend of her's. We host people often, and I play bartender. One of these nights, we run into K and invite him and a neighbor over to play cards. K and I flirt a little, but I was also busy hosting. C and K meet for the first time here.

They start hanging out a bit, and I don't think much of it. Then, she starts gushing over him, talking about his eyes and what their kids would look like. It felt obvious that she was far more into him than I was. So I was nice about it, and let it be.

She ended up just sleeping with him and dropping him only to trash talk him to M, L, and I. This is not the only time she had done this to the guys we had met and become friends with, including T and J, who we met through a guy she did this to. T and J were pretty much her only fails. I bring this up because it had an affect on the rest of us. I'm all for doing whatever you want as long as everyone consents, but this was not just affecting her and it was toxic.

It was difficult to make friends. It stirred up drama. And it lead to the next breaking point. In February, (for context, this is just a few weeks after she moved in), the AG drove out to stay with us for a weekend. C was interested in one of them. So was M. He was interested in M. C is getting upset over this, and decides to demand that M leave for the rest of the weekend. I didn't want her to, but C was already talking shit about me to other people and I didn't want to stir up more drama. Neither did L. I guess we hadn't learned our lesson.

M moved out. And this time it was completely our fault. And I felt awful. I tried to apologize. L did too. But the damage was done. And the bond that I had formed with M was instantaneously gone. I understood it was for the better and M left us with one request: do something about C.

L and I left that night. She wanted to go home for the night, feeling sick about the whole thing. I asked to go along. I didn't have classes the next day. We spent almost the whole night driving around talking it through. M was right, but we didn't know where to start with C. So we sat there, exploring the city, sober as could be (literally and metaphorically), and made a pact that we wouldn't let the same happen to either one of us.

We couldn't be direct about it. A talk wouldn't help. Actions speak louder than words. Because not only were L and I more strict. Not allowing ourselves give in to her whims, but we also had J. He especially didn't given in. And that frustrated her. L spent more time on her own, talking to me when she could. That frustrated her. I spent more time on my own, getting more work done. Shutting myself into my hall and letting the guilt sink in. I even invited over M and T to chat and collect her forgotten things while she was away. I wasn't going to be there to allow her to use us for her habits. And that frustrated her. She wanted the attention and she got none. And lo-and-behold, she started shit talking me again. To L. And everyone she met. It did nothing.

Here comes in R. He was the next one in a string of guys that she was using and cheating on. We didn't expect for him to be around long. None of them were, but C headed home for a weekend and suggested we invite him to hang out. Okay. I did. And both times he came over were great, he easily slipped into a friendship with L, J, and I.

He asked L and I to be honest with him. He felt insecure about the relationship he had with C. Though we were hesitant to say anything, he insisted that he would rather have the truth.

Okay. Have it.

And we knew he'd be better for it. And he was. And so was our friendship. And C was pissed. But she didn't know it was us who said anything. But she decided that he left her for L. And accused her of it.

Nope. He just needed us to be good friends. And he stuck around. And that infuriated her. And we found it easier to stand up against her fits because of it. Don't want him around? Sorry, he's our friend. And maybe you think we're horrible people for that, but we had put up with enough. And it was about time we fulfilled our promise to M.

And soon enough, C moved out. Not because of us, but other reasons. And R kinda moved in (not that our RA knew). R, J, L, and I were happy amongst ourselves for what was the last month of the school year.

Now, that was a lot. I know, I'm sorry. But I hope it was at least an interesting read. It wasn't everything that happened. And I purposely left some stuff out. Though I made an effort to keep things anon, some secrets are not mine to tell. Even if you'll never know these individuals, but especially because you don't know them.

While all of this was happening, I made poor decisions otherwise in regards to drinking. My friends back home were worried. My mental health was going down fast. Previously discussed events may have contributed, but I did push aside self-care in high school in favour of doing school work. And with a less-occupied mind in college, the symptoms only grew worse and perhaps that lead to more drinking. I'm not sure, but I do know that I wasn't doing well at all by the time spring break rolled around. And I worried those closest to me. And they made that clear this summer.

On top of that, BSU is out-of-state for me. And those problems from home didn't go away. And my experience was made worse by that, the events described here and many more, and my financials. I know most in America struggle to pay for school, but it was such a burden on me. It made it difficult to sleep at night, the focus on work, and loomed over every experience I had.

So, the lesson to be learned here is this: take care of yourself. Know your limits. I know it's easier said than done, but it's the only thing that will get you through college. I needed out of an environment that was causing me grief and guilt. I needed to address the problems I had been putting off. And I needed to be realistic about the types of stress I can handle. School, though stressful at times, is an easier stress to handle because the solution is relatively easy to achieve. Financial stressors are difficult to handle because they're long term and can affect how I live the rest of my life (not to say school doesn't, but you can go back to school at 40 but most of us will still be paying for the schooling we got at 18 when we're 40). I still owe BSU money, but not much. And I'm working on paying it off. And then I want to transfer in-state. Get the cheap tuition. My scholarship. And more stability.

BSU wasn't all bad, but it wasn't good for me either. And there's no shame in taking a break and transferring elsewhere. And I had to convince myself of that. And it's still hard to cope with the idea some days. But I'm happier overall. And I've maintained my friendships with L, R, and J. And they all understand.

Again, I'm sorry this was such a long read. But I hope you've gained something from this. If anybody actually read this far... In fact, if you had, could you do me a solid and leave a reply or drop something in my inbox? It'll be nice to know if someone actually read all of this. And thank you so much if you had. I really appreciate it.