#if someone makes the erase and rewind edit i would cry | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

kaylitos694u · 6 years ago

Text

Life and Death - Complex relationship edition

How long has it been since I’ve contemplated the things I would say at your funeral. It’s something I can’t place a time stamp on because it seems like it’s been for most of my life. When am I going to get the call? When will he really do himself in?

In August you were on your death bed again - another overdose. After years of on and off attempts at getting clean (if there were truly attempts at all), it was bound to happen again I used to think.

But part of me never gave up on you. Part of me always wanted to see you get your head out of your ass, for you to stop wallowing in sadness and start finding a reason to fight, to live. Apparently being there for me was not something that was enough for you to stay clean. It’s a selfish thought but one I’ve had an internal struggle about for years. He chose drugs over you, he doesn’t love you, you’re a burden, if you didn’t exist he would be happier. These are things I internalized since childhood, sometimes it still haunts me and the voices in my head constantly tell me it was all because of me. But part of me also knew that you had good intentions. I mean, why would you want your daughter witness that low in your life? It’s to shelter her, to save her from it. But it was a failed attempt because I always knew. The money you “borrowed” from me for pizza and drugs, the times you’d disappear with Julie in her room while I was isolated upstairs. I still saw a lot of shit I shouldn’t have. Being around scumbag crackheads like Jeff was a lot. Seeing the things I saw was a lot. Enduing the way Julie took advantage of me as a kid when it came to free labor. The way she used me as a tool to guilt you into paying her to the fucking penny when you barely got paid to begin with. I remember the times I was scared of you when you drank sometimes. One memory that always haunts me is the way you screamed at me when I said I was scared of you when you were drinking back at Quarry Lane. I can still feel the fear creep up on occassion. It was the first and only time I was ever scared of you and I don’t know why that’s coming to me right now.

My solace during those times were video games,Something that started with us playing Final Fantasy IX when I was 5. I will never forget how proud I was beating the Black Waltz I in the Ice Cavern and gushing to you about it because I was becoming a big girl. I remember all the times we spent playing the Spyro trilogy Even now when I go back to playing the original games I always think of you, and remember how you taught me to search every nook and cranny for ever gem. Watching you play games was inspiring and it’s become such an important aspect of my life. I even learned to be a completionist from you and it’s one of the only things that makes me happy to this day. Remembering the time we spent together playing games is something I cherish greatly. The times we would sit around and watch TV, or just talk about all the crazy things you did when you were a teenager, all the lessons to learn to help me stay away from that life.

But yet I also remember all the times earlier in my life when you’d promise me you’d come pick me up and I’d sit on the stoop out on Arnold Ave back when we lived in Queens. There were so many days I would pack and dance around my room waiting for you to come, only to come to realize you weren’t actually gonna be there. I remember the times you weren’t around back at Quarry Lane when I was too scared to speak up from the trauma of those earlier experiences to the point where I starved myself because there was minimal to no food and I was too scared to touch or ask for anyone’s food and Julie would order food for her and Courtny but forget my existance since I used to stay upstais.

But even still, I remember the day you called me at Sunny Hill and explained the behavior, explaining why you were gone for so long. You said you did it for me, for my sake.But I don’t know if you ever truly thought of the consequences of your actions cost me. I have a lot of commitment and abandonment issues because of this kind of stuff. I can never erase the vivid memory of sitting on my stoop for hours waiting for a car to pull up and for you to jump out and hug me.

This relationship has always been so complex, I’ve always had internal battles. But despite everything there’s one thing that I’ve always known - That you love me very much, that despite everything you would always love me. And I would always love you too, no matter how petty some of our arguments would be.

I remember when I decided I couldn't talk to you for a while because I was filled with anger and resentment for my childhood. But I also remember slowly trying to gather my thoughts and get everything out. This is most likely incoherent but I have to write something. It feels as if I’m running out of time. I wish I was stronger and was able to tackle it then instead of pushing it off like I do with everything else thanks to how awful my mental state has been. I've been depressed and suicidal for years but yet I still keep fighting tooth and nail to stay alive, to strive for the happy, healthy, and stable future I've dreamed of for ages.

Oh how I wish I could go back. To muster the strength to talk to you about all these years where I was hurt but too scared to speak up.

But through it all I have always loved you. And also counted you as my ally when it comes to family. You were a black sheep and so I was labeled one as well. I mean, I grew up differently too so it only makes sense. I often feel like I don’t belong in this family, that I’m just not worthy or good enough. That all my effort is for nothing and I will never be fully accepted by some of our family because of my background and beliefs. But you, even when I felt like I hated or resented you, I always knew you were the one person who would always understand that feeling of not belonging, and have people looking down at you.

If I have any regrets it’s that I couldn't muster the courage to reach out as much as I should have. God how I wish I could rewind the clock and tried to have this conversation before, when we had time. How I wish I could have time to figure out what to say, how to feel, what to do.

I’m lost. I’m in pain. I often find myself crying and worrying about you often, because despite how fucked up and inconsistent our relationship has been, I always knew that through it all love would hold us together. Sometimes I felt like giving up was my only option but I could never bring myself to do it.

It pains me even more when it comes to Sam and her girls. I haven’t told you about it yet because I’m so conflicted, but hearing the way you’d slip wife into conversations we had about her, the way you wanted to be there and help her kids and shield them from that piece of shit guy. Part of me feels like I’ve been stabbed in the chest. Almost a betrayal, seeing and hearing the way you care about them and want to be there for them when there were years we’d go without speaking because of your habits. Occasionally I feel some resentment about it. But more importantly, as we continued to speak about Sam I could see how happy she made you, how much she made you want to keep fighting, to have a reason to be clean. I never felt like I was good enough for you or anyone to be a reason why you’d try to stop, so it hurts thinking about. But interacting with Sam, and seeing how much she loves and cherishes you...All I wanted was for you to be able to recover so you could finally settle down with a wonderful woman who loves you, and for you to be able to be a positive influence on girls who are in need of a role model. When I prayed for you, I prayed that you’d be able to spend your life with Sam.

When I went to see you in August, at first he seemed like he had nothing to live for. No reason to fight your addiction, to tackle all of the pain and suffering you endured, no reason to truly realize the things you have done in the past and claim some form of responsibility.But I also realized despite it all, I wanted you to be able to see me get married, and graduate, and be able to start a good life for myself where I’m happy and healthy. At the bare minimum I wish you were able to meet my boyfriend Jack. Hes honestly the sweetest guy in the whole world and I want to marry him. I found someone who loves and supports me and I wanted him to get to meet you.

There were so many things I wish you could be there for, There are so many things I could redo, so many moments I’d spoken to your sooner about how complex our relationship is to me.

But I have to get it all off my chest now, I don’t want to live with any regrets and above all I respect our honesty policy we have. I wish you were around more as a kid but I was also looking forward to see our relationship blossom and improve.

This is an incoherent mess, but I just need you to know how much I love you. I love you so damn much and I’m so sorry I couldn't have been there more through these times..

#personal #grief

0 notes