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writingonleaves · 7 months ago

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were you sent by someone who wanted me dead? (did you sleep with a gun underneath our bed?) - jeremy swayman

pairing: jeremy swayman x original female character

warnings: swearing, pretty angsty. hopeful ish ending because i can't do sad endings, very personal but i think many can relate in their own way, cliche ish, barely proofread

inspired by + title: "the smallest man who ever lived" by taylor swift

word count: 5.6k

author's note: i'd argue almost every piece any author writes is personal, because it has their life interspersed through the words. but this one really is, because a majority of this is the exact same words i wrote years ago after a break-up. heard the bridge to this song and immediately knew i had to write something inspired by it. also trying a new format of sorts (maybe a bit meta??), so i hope you enjoy and lmk what you think!!

~*~*~

When Noelle Betsko walked away from Jeremy Swayman, holding back tears until the call dropped, she knew it was going to be a tough time for the foreseeable future.

It didn’t matter that the pandemic had forced them apart. She knew she would still feel him for months to come.

She did the only thing she knows how to do when trying to deal with things. The one thing she always resorts to as an aspiring novelist. Sometimes on her laptop when the words were spilling out too quickly for her brain to catch up, tears littering the keyboard. Usually in her old beat-up journal, scribbling in the cursive that Jeremy claimed he always loved (“It makes your handwriting unique”) with the pens he had gifted her just a few months prior.

At the age of 21, Noelle got her heart broken for the first time. At the age of 26, she’s about to publish her first poetry collection of sorts, all of the poems modeled after journal entries written throughout her life. So not really poetry, though her mother would say otherwise.

She swallows as she thumbs through the middle part of the first known and binded copy of “miscellaneous.” There are only eight entries in the whole collection that are taken verbatim from her past writing. These are the eight.

May 13, 2020 (three days post-breakup, crying in my childhood bedroom)

I don’t even recognize who I was and who you were in those writings before these pages filled with love and hope and happiness. I can’t even summon up those feelings anymore that I knew existed at one point. Those feelings of complete bliss and love for someone so deep you can’t explain it.

I’m mad at myself for not being able to conjure those feelings, because at one point, I did love you. How could something that was part of my daily life for over two years just disappear so quickly?

But now, I’m not mad at myself. I’m mad, but I don’t know where to direct that anger to. I feel a bit empty sometimes, but then frustrated the next. Sometimes I get sad, but not so much compared to the other feelings. I spent enough time being sad during our relationship.

When we broke up, on an annoyingly beautiful Tuesday in May — over the damn phone, mind you, which whatever, it’s COVID. Fine — You told me you felt like you had been putting more effort into us.

At the time, I didn’t react, but I’ve been thinking about how angry that statement made me. Makes me, actually. I was always very open with how much I gave to that relationship. How much it meant to me. How much it affected me. But I understand that with some people, sharing everything too much equates to things not meaning anything anymore. But you out of all people should’ve known that I mean everything I say.

I felt like I gave so much. I know I gave so much. When I told you I loved you, I always meant it. Every single time. When I told you I missed you, I always meant it. I wished you were right next to me at that moment. I mentally gave so much, because to me, I wanted to. You were always on my mind, always high up on my list of priorities. I never took us for granted.

I’ve been questioning if that was the same for you. Did you start becoming complacent?

The second thing you said that day that hasn’t left my head is that you knew me pretty well. And initially, I remember not thinking much of it. So I don’t doubt that; you always knew right when I was about to cry, even over the phone. You often knew when I was mad or upset, but when I look back now, you never pushed. Which is a good thing, to an extent. But it was a bad thing sometimes too. I knew you often wanted to give me space, but sometimes I didn’t want space. I wanted you to push. To try to understand. Maybe that’s unfair of me; it probably is. I should just say I want to talk about it more, right?

But if you genuinely knew me, you would’ve known.

After two years, seven months and 12 days, I still feel like I didn’t know you. Did I ever know you at all?

When people talked shit about you, I always defended you. And I still would defend you now. But lately, I've questioned what I’m even defending. All those good qualities that I thought you had, were they even real? Of course, I know some of them were, to a certain extent. But as I look back on us, there’s a lot of doubt about whether I even knew the person I called my boyfriend for so long. I know there was a point where you cared about me, but I can’t remember when.

I often felt like I was letting you know so much about my life, but you didn’t do the same. I get that sometimes a person just wants to forget about the bad and focus on the good with a person you like for awhile. I get that. But once that was happening every damn time? That should’ve been a red flag.

June 7, 2020 (twenty eight days post break-up, outside my childhood room on the deck)

I don’t understand how you can give so much to something or someone and have it not be recognized or appreciated or enough. If I wasn’t enough for you, how will I be enough for anyone?

I hope one day you’ll truly understand how much this hurt. Not just the breakup, but feeling like I was always being pulled in a direction I didn’t always want to be pulled in. Feeling I was stuck between a rock and a hard place and never ever being able to win. I hate that I settled so much in the last year. Because I should’ve demanded more, even though deep down I knew you were never going to be able to give it to me.

I think back to our past daily texts, and I just don’t get it. At one point, we both meant the things we said to each other.

Yet we still hurt each other.

This fucking hurts.

You’ve hurt me so much, but most of it wasn’t intentional, which I think is somewhat even worse. Because I’m not totally mad at you for causing the pain. You never did anything outright to cause me pain, but I still feel like you did.

Unintentional pain almost stings more than intentional.

When I asked you out that night after we were both on an emotional high, I took a chance. For once in my life, I took the leap, knowing that I could get humiliated or hurt or just straight up shot down.

Where did it all go wrong? Or, more realistically, how did we think that we could go through the wrong when it was there at the start?

I’m trying not to blame myself too much. Trying not to tell myself that I should’ve known better.

All those times, especially at the start, when I would ask you if you genuinely liked me, you always thought I was just trying to be annoying. But you never understood that I genuinely thought that way. My self confidence from the start was lacking, and you didn’t try to understand that, because I come across to everyone as confident and self-assured.

It hurt, when you would brush things off like that. I felt like you didn’t care.

And then, it got to the point where I stopped asking that question. Part of that is because I did become more confident and you did show that you cared, and part of that was because I knew it would piss you off.

The amount of things I was scared to talk about with you because I knew it would piss you off? I don’t wish that feeling on anybody.

I shouldn’t have been scared. I shouldn’t have been uncomfortable. But I was. And if you did notice like sometimes you claimed to, why didn’t you make it more comfortable for me? Was that too much to ask for?

So larger than life that at the end, you faded into just the smallest man who ever lived. Fuck you.

Was it too much to ask for when I just wanted to know why you were upset? You didn’t have to ever tell me the full story (lord knows there were times I didn’t), but was it too much to ask for something? You told me once that I’m the person you’ve told the most to. How? You barely told me anything. And when I wanted to talk to you, whether it was about growing up in Alaska or why you were in a bad mood last night, you always brushed it off. Always.

So I don’t feel so bad about feeling like I gave more effort. I gave so much of myself to you. If you really cared about me like you claimed you did, why couldn’t you show even just 1% of that care back? Or just meet me in the middle?

I could’ve tried harder to meet you in the middle, I’ll admit that. But you didn’t even give me a map or a clue how to.

I felt so fucking left in the dark. I felt left in the dark about my own fucking relationship, something that I should be completely sure about. If you really love someone and care about them, how can you leave them in the dark? How could you not even see that I was struggling to find a flashlight?

You did care about me. I know that. To some extent and at some point in time, you did care about me. But caring about someone and their well-being isn’t always enough.

Why couldn’t you have worked with me? When I was extending my hand out, why didn’t you reach for it? How can someone just be so blind? I mean, I’m practically always spelling it out for you.

Maybe I am being selfish. But fuck, I just wanted to be happy. At some point, you made me happy. When did I start making you feel like I wasn’t enough? Why wasn’t I enough for you?

It’s useless, in a way, to keep going about this. Because I know I deserve better. And we’ll both find people who are better for us. We just couldn’t be that person to each other.

I fucking loved you.

I wish it ended differently.

July 8, 2020 (fifty nine days post-breakup, in front of the lake)

I really really fucking miss you.

I do.

I miss being able to text you that i love you and not necessarily expecting a response until the next morning. I miss knowing that as soon as you wake up, you’ll text me back and assure me that yeah, you love me too.

I’m left feeling bittersweet as I look back on memories that are just splashes and not definite strokes on the canvas that used to be us.

I miss having you as a friend.

I’ve been having more urges lately to want to text you. And it isn’t even anything important. Just moments I experience throughout the day.

Do you get the urge to do the same?

July 19, 2020 (seventy days post-breakup, still in the same damn house)

It’s hard. It really is. And it kinda just hits you at random parts of the day. Sometimes I wake up from a dream that you were in and have to remind myself that it didn’t happen.

Sometimes it physically aches when I realize that you won’t ever help me put on my jacket again, or complain that my hair is in your face when we’re lying on the couch watching Brooklyn Nine Nine, or groan when I drag you up to dance with me (which you never improved on, no matter how many times I tried to teach you basic rhythm). I can’t view our song the same way anymore, and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to.

The other day, I read some simple thing on Twitter. I don’t even remember what it was, but I do remember that for a split second, I could see your smile in my mind. But it wasn’t just any smile. It was the smile you gave me when you took me ice skating that first time. I remember asking you what you were smiling at, and you said that you just were taking in this moment. I don’t know if you took a mental picture that day, but I know I did. That day seems so long ago now.

In almost anything I do, you somehow pop into my mind or into the conversation. And it’s not even in a harmful way either. It’s because you were part of my life for so long. I see a dog on the street, and it reminds me of how you always stopped to pet every single one we’s see I write something in my messy handwriting, and I remember how you always used to complain that you couldn’t read the notes I’d occasionally leave around your place when you went away. I went to the doctor’s the other day, and they said I was 5 feet and 3 inches, which is just definitely not true, and I almost reached for my phone to text you, because you would’ve cackled and insisted that no, I’m 5 feet 2 inches and it wouldn’t even matter because I’ll always be shorter than you. It’s simple and minute things that make me miss you that much more.

I still can’t listen to some songs the same way anymore, but I can at least listen to them now, which is a feat in itself. I was unpacking from college and found the teddy bear you sent me the first extended time we had to be apart and had to immediately put that out of my sight. From those boxes also came photos that I had decorated my dorm room with, and to be honest, I’m glad now that I let you keep our best one. I deal with all my emotions, besides writing, by making Spotify playlists, and I made a new one earlier this week. I think it’s helping. It’s a slow process, this whole moving on thing, but it’s one that I’m trying to be grateful for, because like most things in life, you just don’t truly know until you go through it.

Sometimes, I find myself wondering how you are and how you’re healing. But, even though we’ve both changed since the day we met, if there’s one thing I know, it’s that you’re incredibly strong and stubborn. I hope that you’re finding some growth in this process too.

October 17, 2020 (one hundred fifty seven days post-break up, apartment in orono)

It’s been almost 5 months, and you still cross my mind everyday.

Why wasn’t I enough for you? Why didn’t you fucking tell me what you were thinking? Why was I the one who had to approach you just because I was just so done with the silent treatment?

But I’m not mad at you. Not anymore. The mad phase passed ages ago.

Closure is a fake word. Even a breakup as mutual and smooth as ours was still left me with so many questions that will probably never be answered.

Any breakup fucks you up to some extent. I knew it was going to mess me up even back when we were together. But not like this. Never like this.

But like anything in life, I guess you can never really prepare for what you think you might feel, because most of the time, you discover a whole new side of you that you never thought existed.

I don’t miss you. I don’t. I don’t feel that love in any way anymore.

But I did once.

You did too, right?

November 15, 2020 (one hundred eighty six days post break-up, fogler library)

I hate Halloween.

Though, it did bring me to you three years ago. I’m pretty sure I fell in love with you right then and there.

Three years later, you texted me on Halloween, five months after our breakup. The universe really, really wanted to fuck with me.

It was a tough night for you. I knew that. Because I know how you are after losing a game you should’ve won. But that didn’t mean that I owed you anything and had to respond.

We agreed on no contact if we ever wanted to stay friends. Clearly, friends is out of the picture now, but come on. A vulnerable text after a bad night because you know I would feel bad for you?

Fuck, you know how much I would hate that. You had to have known.

Just because we’re not dating anymore doesn’t mean that everything about you just disappears. I still know your tendencies. I still know exactly how my head burrows into your chest during a hug. I still know the actions I used to do that would be followed by you attacking me with a hug. I still could point you out in a crowd.

I looked for you in every crowd for years.

That stuff doesn’t just go away, no matter how much I want it to. But fuck. Fuck. Why did you text me?

I don’t regret how I handled it. I probably would’ve responded months ago. But just like you, I’ve grown these last couple of months.

It was comforting, for a split second, to know that maybe, just maybe, these past couple of months have been hard for you too. It makes me feel human. It makes me feel like I’m not crazy.

I’m glad you texted me. You gave me another level of closure I hadn’t known that I needed until then.

But fuck, dude. You know me better than that. You should know me better than that.

I hate Halloween.

November 26, 2020 (one hundred ninety seven days, at the coffee shop i brought you to when you came home with me two years ago)

I don’t regret loving you, but I hate you for what you did to me.

Or maybe not.

I hate knowing that even though we haven’t been in a relationship in a bit, it feels like sometimes, you’re on my mind the exact same amount when we were dating. I hate knowing that I gave so much of myself and my love to you, and it always felt unrecognized.

Fuck, will it ever stop hurting? Will I ever be able to have to stop myself from thinking about you? Will it ever stop?

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Happy birthday. I hope you enjoy it.

June 12, 2021 (three hundred ninety five days post-break up, in boston, visiting a friend)

Tonight, when a friend asked me about you and how I felt about how we ended, I was able to articulate my thoughts clearly. I’m really proud of myself for getting to a point where I can take the lessons I learned the few months after we broke up and acknowledge them in a succinct way without breaking down into tears. Just watery eyes and the occasional voice crack

I’m also proud that I can say that when we were dating, I lost a bit of myself. For months, it was really hard to admit out loud.

I’m proud of how far I’ve come. Sometimes, I wish I could call or text you about it, because I think you’d be proud too. And I know I’d be proud of you. I am, to be honest. I do break resolve once in awhile and check on you through various avenues.

I still haven’t seen you in person since the last time COVID made us say goodbye. Maybe I never will again. But day by day, I’m starting to accept that and be okay with it. I’m accepting that memories that used to be so painted in my mind are blurry or almost completely erased now. But that’s okay. Honestly, it’s probably for the best.

I wonder, when you think about it, if you think about different moments that I do. That’s the thing when something ends. You have to be okay with letting go of those moments and realizing that just because you forget them, doesn’t mean they weren’t important.

I don’t think I miss you. I hesitate in saying that. Because I’ve moved on and handled the aftermath of it better than I think both of us ever thought I could. When you hung up the phone for the last time, I proved to myself again that I’m stronger than I give myself credit for. I think we all are. But we don’t realize it until we’re thrown into a situation that we think we’ll never be able to overcome.

But we do. Whether it’s because we’re forced to because there’s no other option, it doesn’t matter. Because we get through. We move on.

I hope you're moving on.

And then it goes into other topics, graduating during a pandemic specifically and losing what’s supposed to be your last year of no responsibilities before adulthood. There are other poems in here that reference a past relationship, but not as much as these eight.

If there’s one thing that Noelle did change, it was taking out the details. Jeremy may have hurt her, but he doesn’t deserve someone possibly making a connection between these poems and their shared background. She’s not a famous author by any means, but she wanted to be careful.

Not that she makes that part of her life publicly known. People don’t need to know that her brother was Jeremy’s captain for two years at Maine and that’s how they met.

Noelle grew up going to rinks. She hasn’t gone to one since they broke up.

But also, what the fuck? It’s been five years since she’s dated the guy. She really is over it by now, even if his rise to stardom in the Bruins flittering on her social media feeds still sometimes has her swallowing a bit before she can continue with her day.

Brooklyn is far enough from Boston. But sometimes it feels like it’s right outside her door.

She’s proud of her first published work. She really is. People believed in her and after numerous notes swapped back and forth with her editor, she did it. She always knew she wanted to work in publishing. She never knew she herself would publish anything.

And here she is now, two weeks after the book release, in Boston, about to do a q&a and a signing. Apparently, “miscellaneous” has been on top of numerous lists and it’s flying off the shelves. Noelle can’t really believe it and tries not to think about it too much, trusting her agent with all of that.

She’s happy to talk about her work and process though. That she can handle. And she’s grateful for all the love.

After a signing at a local bookstore, she decides to walk the 20 minutes home in the Boston fall. It’s a bit brisk, but she doesn’t mind and she just wanders, belly filled with delicious sushi she inhaled for dinner with an old friend.

Of course it happens the one time during her walk when she doesn’t avoid eye contact with someone. The song playing in her earbuds fade out of her focus and she almost stumbles.

Jeremy’s eyes were always Noelle’s favorite thing about him. She thought she would’ve forgotten what they looked like by now. But clearly she hasn’t.

Her eyes quickly cast to the person next to him. It’s definitely a girl. They’re a bit too far away for Noelle to pick out details. But it’s enough. He’s walking on the side closest to the street. It’s a Friday Night in a bustling part of the city.

It hurts. She wishes it didn’t.

Even from far away, she sees his eyes blink in recognition. Noelle puts her head back down and walks faster.

(She cries in the shower when she gets back to the hotel. She had debated feeling super sorry for herself and going to the hotel bar but refrained)

She has a few free days in Boston before flying back to New York. When she wakes up the next morning, she debates on going home early. But no, she won’t let a three second glance at someone ruin her time here. She used to occasionally come here during her college days. She loves this city.

The city may be Jeremy’s, but she can make space for herself here too.

She takes her time at a cafe, people watching and eating some breakfast. As she takes her coffee to-go, she looks out the window at the bookstore she was in the night before for the signing. She almost drops her coffee.

Jeremy walks into the book store.

Now, Noelle is debating her options. What she should do is continue with her day and walk in the opposite direction. But she’s always been too nosy for her own good. And maybe a bit self destructive. She decides to leave the cafe and cross the street immediately, so impatient to where she’s almost tapping her foot as the pedestrian signal stays red.

As a writer, she’s no stranger to movie moments. The scenes written in books or movies where the timing is too accurate to be real. The situation too good to be true. But after a car speeds through an orange and she can finally walk, she stops in her tracks instead, feet glued down to the sidewalk.

Because Jeremy is right in front of her on the other side of the street. Her book in his hand. And he’s looking right at her.

The first feeling she can recognize in herself is anger. Anger at the way their relationship panned out. Anger at the way they ended. Anger at the radio silence the years following. Anger at him for everything. Angry at herself for everything.

The second feeling is, weirdly, shame, which she’s embarrassed by. There’s nothing to be ashamed of. But she feels it anyways.

The third, and perhaps the most prominent, is emptiness. Five fucking years later, and she’s brought back to the emptiness she felt immediately after they broke up. The emptiness that the person you loved isn’t yours anymore — who maybe wasn’t ever yours to begin with.

Before she can run, he’s already crossed the street to her. He looks naturally different as someone who you haven’t seen in five years would. But he also heartbreakingly looks the same.

“We should get out of people’s way,” Noelle manages to chokes out.

Jeremy laughs a bit. Her heart lurches. “Yeah.” He starts walking and she follows him wordlessly. This is his city after all.

He leads them to a bench under a tree with beautiful fall foliage. She puts at least a foot between them as they both sit down, staring out at the people passing. She can’t take the silence.

“I see you bought my book.”

“I did,” he replies evenly. “Congratulations. I always knew you would do it.”

She squeezes her eyes shut. Maybe if she squeezes hard enough she’ll forget when she originally pitched Jeremy the bare bones idea of the exact same book that’s currently in his hand. “Thank you. Congratulations to you too. On everything.”

“You’ve been watching?”

She shakes her head. “No. But, you know Seth and…yeah. It comes up during family calls sometimes.”

“Why didn’t you say hi last night?”

She looks pointedly at a couple walking their dog. “You seemed busy.”

“She wasn’t-that-it doesn’t mean anything.”

“Oh. Because that makes me feel so much better,” she spits out, before taking a deep breath. “Whatever. It doesn’t matter. We broke up ages ago.”

“I’m sorry,” she gives him a look and is slightly proud of how he seems to shrink into himself a bit. “I-I know it’s five years too late. I know I didn’t handle it as well as I should’ve. But for what it’s worth, I’m sorry.”

The thing is, Noelle always thought that maybe hearing an apology someday would make her feel better. But now that’s heard it, she’s not sure she does.

She swallows. “I appreciate that.”

“I’ve already read it, you know.”

“Read what?”

Jeremy runs a hand through his hair. “Your book. One of my teammate’s girlfriend recommended it and I asked to borrow it. It’s fantastic,” He looks down at the book in his hand. It’s like the cover is taunting her. “I wanted my own copy.”

“Oh.”

“Thank you.”

“For what?”

“For letting me off the hook with the poems I know were about me,” he scoffs, shaking his head at himself. “You could’ve written way worse.”

She can’t help but let out a chuckle. “I thought I was pretty mean.”

“Your definition of ‘pretty mean’ is tame compared to a lot of people,” he says, mindlessly flipping through the pages of the book. “You were always the kindest person, even when you shouldn’t have been..”

He puts his hand out in her direction, the hand with the book in it. She furrows her eyebrows. “What-”

“Could I get a signed copy?”

“Jeremy. What do you want from me?”

He sighs, taking his hand back. “A chance to apologize?”

“You’ve already done that.”

“Not in the way I want to and what you deserve.”

She lets out a sigh, turning to face him fully. “I don’t know if that would be worth my time or yours. I know the book just came out, but that was five years ago. I’m over it. Forgive and forget, right?”

“But do you?” Jeremy counters back. “Clearly, you don’t forget, which I deserve. But forgive?”

“We’re just going in circles now.”

“No we’re not,” he says firmly. “You’re just shutting me down because you don’t want to talk about it. I’ve had five years to prepare what I would say to you if I saw you again. You’re telling me you haven’t?”

“Of course I have,” Noelle tips her head back. “But also, what’s the point?”

“The point, is that I still love you.”

“Fuck you,” she says in a strained voice. “You can’t just-you can’t just throw that shit out there. Fuck you.”

He bites his lip, and to her annoyance, he laughs. But she listens more carefully, and it sounds very self deprecating. “I deserved that.”

“Yeah,” Noelle looks down at her feet. “So…what? You still love me?”

“I do.”

“And what are you going to do about that?”

“What are you going to let me do?”

“I live in Brooklyn.”

“I know,” she whips her head up. Jeremy looks sheepish, which she didn’t even think was something he knew how to do. “Seth mentioned it when we caught up a bit ago. I also still follow you on Instagram.”

She tries again. “It’s been five years.”

“And I’m here sitting with you and still feel the exact same way I did back then. Even more, to be honest.” He eyes her pointedly. “Any more excuses?”

Her voice softens. “You really hurt me.”

“I know. And I’m so sorry, Noelle.”

“I hurt you too.”

He shrugs. “We were young and stupid.”

“And we’re still not?” Noelle says with a snort before swallowing. “I’m not the same person you fell in love with.”

“I’m sure I’m not either. But I don’t know if there’s a world where I don’t love every version of you.”

“Even after reading the book?”

“Especially after reading the book,” he sighs. “Noelle, I know this is unfair of me. All of this. And I’m sorry it’s taken me this long to reach out. But I always intended to. And then you’re here? And I see you twice in two days? I’d be an idiot to not try. More of an idiot than I am, anyways.”

“Try for what?”

“A second chance? To be friends? Whatever you want.” He suddenly deflates. “Even if you don’t want anything to do with me. At least I’ll know.”

“Why did you never text me?”

“I thought about it a lot,” he admits. “I tried once, actually, after the high of a really good win. But it didn’t go through. I got the message.”

“The message?”

“You blocked me, right?”

Oh. “Yeah,” she lies. “I did.” She reaches into her bag for a pen and gestures for the book, which he gives to her, a curious gleam in his eyes. “I’m in Boston for two more days, including today.”

He takes the hint immediately. Eagerly. “I have a game tonight, but I’m free tomorrow.”

“Who are you guys playing?”

“Toronto. And I’m starting. Should be a good one.”

She hums non-committedly, scribbling on the inside of the front cover. She hands it back to him with a small, close-lipped smile. She nods at him to read the message.

to my first fan,

i still love you too.

xxx-xxx-xxxx

yours,

noelle

He looks up, eyes shining but a bit confused.

“I never blocked you. I just changed my number.”

“Oh.”

“And even if I still love you, I’m still mad at you.”

“I know. I’d be more surprised if you weren’t.”

She stands up, adjusting the bag on her shoulder and putting her sunglasses on. “Text me?”

His mouth splits wide into a grin. “Yeah. Yeah, of course.”

She backs away with one last attempt at a smile before turning down the street.

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blackrabbittwst · 1 year ago

Note

Hello! I'd like to request for Trey, Azul, and Jade with a self-indulgent reader please~ A reader who happily accepts gifts, eats whatever they want, and encourages others to treat themselves just as much! I'm one of these people, and I've never understood people who worry so much. Ex: Ask me if its okay to take something from me, even though I offered it to them. ??? 😂

P.s. I don't mind whatever format you use!

A/N: Hello! And of course! I’m somewhat similar to this as well so I think it’s so cute! I definitely encourage people to treat themselves (almost to much haha), and these three boys don’t give themselves enough self loving, so they need it!

Synopsis: A self indulgent S/O who happily accepts gifts, eats what they want, and encourages others to treat themselves.

Characters: Trey Clover, Azul Ashengrotto, Jade Leech

Pairings: Trey Clover, x Reader, Azul Ashengrotto x Reader, Jade Leech x Reader

Gender/Pronoun: Gender Neutral

Warning: N/A

Trey clover

He would love to see your bright smile as you accepted his baked goods! It gives him butterflies in his stomach as he sees you appreciate his hard work. Also, he definitely wants to see your expression when you take a bite. It's his biggest pride and joy to see your expression light up as you hum with approval for how delicious it is.

No matter what he made that day, you would accept it as if it was the best thing you'd received all day, which he always appreciated. He has never needed to use his UM on any food that he gives to you since you love everything he makes! However, whether you know it or not, he would be aware of the foods you dislike so that he can make sure to not use it as an ingredient.

He would be the type to not really give himself a break and he wouldn't understand why you insisted he buy himself a hat every so often or take a break when he had so much to do!

Don't forget that he did spend all his allowance when he was a child so that his little bro could go to a spell driver game. He’s so used to giving things to others but not receiving or treating things to himself.

He would appreciate the concern that you feel like he should treat himself more, but it would take a while for him to fully embrace the concept. It made him feel a little guilty when he could use his resources to make others happy. He's used to keeping the peace and always appeasing others. To be kind to himself is something that doesn't easily occur to him.

Once he is able to accept your gifts and be a little more self-indulgent, he’ll feel a larger sense of self-fulfillment and joy in life that he didn’t realize he needed. He’d be less stressed overall and realize he’s a little more productive while also being more motivated to do tasks he normally would not enjoy.

Azul Ashengrotto

While Azul tends to be a little greedy here and there, he never uses this money for his own material needs. He’s more likely to invest it in the lounge, a deal, a project, or for compensation for something shady lol.

While he likes good things here and there, most of the time he’d have his nose on the grindstone. The workaholic he is will be only focusing on the Monstro Lounge and the numbers for it rather than enjoying the fruits of his labors. So you’d need to convince him to actually use some of his money for himself once and a while. Everyone deserves to treat themselves!

While he loves spoiling you with gifts and buying you all the things you could wish for, you think it’s unfair that only you get to enjoy the results of his hard work. Of course, you’d accept his gifts with joy and happiness, but he deserves to share this happiness with himself too!

However one of the big reasons he loves buying you things is that he loves seeing the look on your face light up when he gives you something. Your eyes basically twinkle like the stars in the sky by how happy and grateful that he would think of you.

Even as you try to coax him to treat himself more, he actually feels guilty using his own money just for himself. He'd rather put it to good use like an investment or something for the lounge. Buying something so frivolous like a new board game, or a coin for his collection seems like a waste when he could use that money for something more productive.

You have to convince him that he doesn't have to spend his money all the time on himself, but he should reward himself for all his hard work with the money he earned. Life is too short to just save all your earnings and never enjoy the fruits of your labor.

He would try to convince you that his investing in the Lounge is treating himself, but you don’t take his loophole as an excuse.

It might be better to just treat him yourself if he gets too stubborn so he can get used to the sensation.

Jade Leech

Especially if you love plant life, happily accepting his gifts would just make his day week. The amount of effort and time he puts into his plants and foraging shows how passionate is is about his hobby, and sharing it with you only makes life so much better.

He loves that you’d appreciate his fascination with mushrooms and accepts his terrarium gifts. He spends hours making sure the terrarium is to your style and aesthetic with the specific flora he specifically foraged from the mountains.

The moment he sees his terrarium flourish in your room, you might notice a big bright smile on his face as he strolls over to it. He wants to make sure his work of art is health and happy just like you, after all.

He used to being mocked by Floyd and Azul for his fascination of mountains, so having some thoroughly enjoy his hobbies is a dream come true.

Out of the Trey and Azul, Jade is most likely to take your encouragement of treating himself. While he works at a brisk and efficient pace, he always seems to prioritize his likes and passion. Like when he has a day off, he always goes out of his way to forage for new things. It would make him super happy if you went along with him. Even if you aren’t fond of the outdoors, he’d be patient and slow down his pace. He’s just ecstatic he can enjoy two things he loves together!

Jade’s cooking skills are just like him, accurate and efficient (especially after seeing him in the culinary crucible). If you try his mushroom dishes and/or dishes he makes with the flora he foraged, it would put him over the moon. Floyd and Azul are tired of his shenanigans and mushrooms that he can’t serve them often at the Lounge, much to his chagrin.

If you don’t love eating mushrooms, it isn’t the end of the world. He might just sneak them in here and there as an experiment. He would make the dish in such a way that non-mushroom lovers would be able tolerate them. Maybe by cutting them up in small bits, or frying them to change their texture (which can be the biggest problem about mushrooms). However, it would mean so much to him if you, a mushroom hater, takes the effort to at least try his mushroom dishes. It really shows that you love him.

#blackrabbittwst #disney twst #twst wonderland #disney twisted wonderland #twisted wonderland #twisted wonderland x reader #jade leech x reader #jade leech #trey clover x reader #trey clover #azul ashengrotto x reader #azul ashengrotto

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ihopesocomic · 3 months ago

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I randomly came across a reblog of this comic, and I decided to read it while I ate breakfast on a whim and now I'm hooked!! You have such a good grasp on animal anatomy and anthro facial expressions, plus the religious(?) Lore of the world is just Lovely! It makes me wish there could be more animated shows with this type of tone and storyline that aren't watered down to be marketed to children. I wish media was judged by its story and content rather than the format, I'd love to see a talking lion based show that isn't aimed at kids or turned into another "gritty comedy" that nearly every other adult animated show is.

Oops, sorry for the rant. Good comic, good writing, good art, keep it up!

Thank you so much for reading our comic and taking the time to comment on it! We're thrilled you enjoyed it haha and I'm happy people like the art style. But you and I agree that there needs to be more 13+ cartoons. Especially xenofiction. Tho I'll correct the record cuz religion and philosophy share similarities, but these lions follow philosophies and figureheads ^^ Hope you continue to enjoy our comic! Thank you again! - Cat

#ask #ask us stuff #cat answers

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doshmanziari · 11 months ago

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Without a doubt, and by far, the most marginalizing development I've seen within media analysis over the past decade is a shift towards the production of long, flashy videos which tend to require the same for a dialogue to occur. Literally nothing which has been written about Elden Ring, for example, since its release has enjoyed even a fraction of the visibility as a one-hour-and-forty-minutes video by Joseph Smith, or another of similar length by NeverKnowsBest. I don't know when exactly the shift started to happen most obviously -- maybe 2016 or 2017 -- but, today, circumstances are such that pretty much the only way to get real discursive traction on your thoughts about a piece of media is to make a colossus of a video.

Although worried and worrying discourse has complemented the unveiling of newer public A.I. technologies, we've already done a perfectly fine job of out-dating other forms of media communication by way of the aforementioned analytic format; just as, of course, earlier methods of industrial production rendered a whole variety of professions or emphases as outmoded. If you don't have the relevant editing tools at your disposal and/or don't want to spend hundreds of hours cropping footage and making it fit with music and your own narration, well -- too bad! And even then, of course, there's no guarantee that your video will reach your desired scale of an audience. I've found dozens of such videos on YT channels with only a few thousand views, if that; and on each channel it's clear that the people finally gave up after the monumental task of assembling these videos had no equivalent payoff.

Personally, I do still believe in the primacy of the text (or the spoken word, with no competing stimuli); in text as the primary form of critical engagement. More than that -- if I'm going to read a non-fiction work, I want the paged book, and not a digital version. Now, this preference is just that: a preference. And it surely is a preference a good number of people share. I find that a paged book lends itself better to my own retention of the material; and I really enjoy making my notes on the book's paper with a pen. But I don't believe that the construction of multimedia behemoths should be a baseline requirement for discourse.

I wonder if we will, in the near future, start to see some resurgence of the valuation of unembellished textual analysis complementing a more general fatigue with Internet-derived overstimulation. I've already run across numerous channels with fairly sizable communities where there is an appreciation for the "simplicity" of the formats: a person in a room just talking to the camera. I think a lot of people like engaging analysis where the only barrier of significance is devising a good script. To be sure, this is a formidable barrier in itself. I find writing long-form pieces to be the most difficult of any of my creative practices (which include drawing, painting, and music composition). But if writing on media were my main passion or goal in life, I'd feel fairly crushed to know that these projects now required me to put in perhaps quadruple the amount of time to make a blip on the radar of engagement.

EDIT: Thinking on this -- I wonder if there's a parallel to be found in the realm of supplementing one's work with excess-entertainment via social media engagement; e.g., daily Instagram videos. "Excess-entertainment" refers to material that's being made not because everyone who's making it wants to make it, but because each person is now beholden to an abstractly instituted algorithm of engagement -- an algorithm reinforced by audiences who, also under algorithmic influence, will wonder what's going on if a week goes by without something from a Content Creator.

Most artists who I've talked to regarding their Instagram videos say they would be only too happy if they never had to do another upload showing them adding paint or linework to a work-in-progress with lo-fi beats. Similarly, I wonder how many people making these mega-videos actually want to make them, and if we're not rather seeing the production of this material under a mutual, and mutually untrue, assumption of necessity, and the demands of a largely imaginary audience; and how long they'll be able to keep the act up, given the certainly enormous time investments they require (while noting that I am sure the more successful people hire others to do most of the editing for them).

#multimedia #media criticism #technology #communications technology

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sno4wy · 3 months ago

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Did you seriously drop that much money to try to make your awful ship more valid? Guess what? You didn't, hope you enjoyed wasting a ton of money. It doesn't matter how much money you pay, you and your lame friends will always be the only ones who prefer your fugly builder with Miguel. Just give it up and go jump off a bridge already.

Hey Anon, based on the three messages you sent me today, it seems that my sharing of my commission from Momodeary in the official Pathea Discord server really upset you. Your rage felt really familiar to me, and I thought about this a lot about why. I'm going to hazard a guess that you're lashing out at me more than usual because of the price aspect, especially for something that seems so frivolous. I get it -- I grew up in abject poverty, and I harbored a lot of rage about it both directly and indirectly for many years. It really sucks not having the money to do what you need, or even what you want, and it can feel like having salt rubbed into the wound when someone else shows off some pricey non-necessity that they got. Everyone deserves to get what brings them joy, as long as it isn't something that causes harm to others, and it sucks that capitalism/corporations/societal structure/etc make most people unable to attain that. I sincerely hope that things improve for you.

I'm fortunate now to do well enough for myself that I can afford a pricey commission like the one that I shared. I got the commission because I like Momodeary's art style, it's not a style that I see myself personally doing, and I'm making it up to myself now for all the things that I couldn't do in the past. I wouldn't be so presumptuous as to say it was to support the artist, as she has tons of clients and certainly didn't need my money, I'm really lucky to have been able to get a slot with her. If you have the means to do so and want to, I really suggest contacting her directly -- the worst thing she can say is no, but more likely is that she'll put you on an (admittedly long) waitlist. The point is, if you're upset about not being able to get a commission from her, don't write it off until you try. Worse comes to worst, she can't fit you in, but there are tons of skilled artists out there with similar styles that you can commission instead. It's ok though if you have your heart set on Momodeary, most artists are very accommodating as long as the client is understanding and willing to wait.

If your anger has to do with not being able to afford a commission from Momodeary, I'm really sorry about that. There are some ways that I can help, if not directly to get you a commission, but perhaps means to address the funds shortage issue. I managed to claw my way out of poverty, and in the process picked up more than a few ideas and tricks, however at the end of the day, there is no magical get rich quick scheme, and everything that you hear about how to find a job is sadly mostly true. For instance, a good resumé is an integral part to finding a job, and a big part of what makes a resumé good is proper formatting. Having gone from someone who sent out hundreds of resumés to someone who's had to review hundreds of resumés, I can tell you that so much of the time, it's a lot less about the contents of the resumé and more about its appearance. Countless qualified, heck, overqualified, people get turned down for positions because their resumés don't even get looked at. I'm happy to look over a resumé if you'd like, and of course I'd understand if you need to anonymize most of it before showing me. Please note that it is sadly the case that having a good resumé, or in many cases, all the correct qualifications, don't necessarily guarantee you a job. Connections are at least, if not more, important, so don't be shy about asking for help from friends and family in this aspect.

Finding and securing a job can be a long-term project though, so picking up some side hustles might be a good way to generate some income, especially as you can keep these side hustles after finding a job. A lot of people have even done so well with their side hustles that they were able to make them into their careers. I'm happy to make suggestions, but I'm afraid that my knowledge is chiefly confined to the US and my ideas may not be applicable or workable in other countries. I have found however that a fairly universal way to generate some income via a side hustle is through selling crocheted items. Crochet is very quick and easy to learn and master, and yarn is very cheap, especially if you get store brands like Joann's Big Twist. Red Heart Super Saver is also very cheap yarn that comes in a ton of colors. There are countless free patterns on the internet, and ones that aren't free tend to be pretty cheap, generally within the $5 range. It is totally legal to sell the stuff you make from purchased patterns; some patterns even explicitly state that this is the case. The best part about crochet is that you can do it while doing other stuff, like commuting to your job, watching a show, listening to music, etc. It's totally possible to churn out a ton of crochet animals (amigurumi) in one day. Dipping into fandom stuff by making characters from a certain franchise is a great way to sell crochet products. Another really cool thing is that there doesn't currently exist a way for crocheted items to be mass produced; while there are items that look crocheted, they're actually sewn together pieces and not true crochet. Machines can't currently make crocheted items. Buyers looking for real crochet products want something that only a human can make.

Online marketing tools are also pretty solid. Etsy is the way to go for handmade crafts, although they do take a pretty hefty fee (15%). You can try to cut down on that fee by listing on your own social media, in which case you'd still have to pay a 3-5% handling fee for payment processors, and it can be a pain trying to beat social media algorithms. If you're handy with TikTok, that's a great way to boost awareness of your brand, and you can use those same videos as Reels on Instagram and Facebook to get your accounts noticed faster.

If you're an artist, you could of course always try to go the commissions route, but I've found that this is a much harder uphill battle than trying to break into the scene marketing crochet goods. If you do decide to give crochet a shot, I really recommend investing in a quality hook -- Clover Armour is many crocheters' go-to. They are pricy, around $9 for a hook, but they last forever and they're super comfortable to use. You only need one to start -- I recommend the size G (4.0 mm) one, as that goes with the most common yarn weight for a lot of amigurumi. Big Twist and Red Heart Super Saver are also both Worsted weight yarn, for which you use a G hook. If this is something you really want to do but are really tight on funds, I'm happy to get one of those hooks for you, just tell me how to get it to you.

I have a lot of other ideas for possible side gigs, which all will require a lot of work, but will return income. However, I'd just be spitballing, so hit me up if you want to talk shop. You know where to find me. ;P

#Ama

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marlynnofmany · 3 months ago

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I've recently discovered your take on... well Tumblr. Amazing 👏 love the work! Fabulous!

Then I've noticed: you wrote a book! (It being in my amazon basket and waiting for payday), may I be so bold as to ask: do you publish yourself? Writing, editing, publishing, all the jazz? I'm very curious 😆 like a cat. Curiosity still hasn't killed me, so why stop now? 🤣

Thank you! Yes, I've written several, and I publish them myself. My original plan was to get an agent who would introduce me to the big publishers who would shower me with money and fame, but that turned out to be, shall we say, unlikely. (The industry is changing fast. Even the lucky souls who do get a deal with the big publishers generally don't make much money.)

But luckily for me, self-publishing has turned into an arguably better route in many ways! I've tried a few different companies (BookBaby, Ingram, Draft2Digital), and I plan on sticking with Draft2Digital for the foreseeable future. I'd be happy to go into detail if you're interested.

Self-publishing does mean that it's on me to either Do All The Things, or to pay other people to do some of them for me, but I enjoy adding new skills to my hoard! And this is the internet age when you can learn just about anything online. Plus I've made a lot of writer friends who are in the same boat, and sharing resources/recommendations/etc is GREAT.

Everybody wants to help everyone else! YouTube is full of how-tos, and every indie writer I know will happily share what expertise they have with anyone who asks. Including me. :D Feel free to ask more questions!

Here's a list of all the books I've put out, including my own novels and anthologies that I organized (editing and formatting and cover art, oh my), plus a collection of writing prompts because I have far more ideas than I'll ever have time to write.

More of everything is on the way! This is the career I've been aiming for since I was a kid, and it's a blast.

#it really is #writer life #getting published #self-publishing #I could go on for many more paragraphs but I'll leave it at that #thanks for asking #asks

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sator-the-wanderer · 1 year ago

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May I offer a book rec? I've been wondering for a while now if you'd get a kick out of The Bartimaeus Sequence by Jonathan Stroud - based on all the other fandoms I've seen you post about over the years, it might be up your alley?

Enjoyed HP? YA modern fantasy book series that actually really holds up when you read it as an adult featuring an iconic trio containing a morally grey black haired protag who makes questionable life choices, a non-magician girl with beef with the local government, and an immortal djinni with great narration style. Stroud isn't ears deep in twitter discourse, so there's also that.

Enjoyed Discworld/Good Omens? Loads of amazing footnotes, jokes, wordplay, excellent humour that will be followed by a quote that will knock you into next Tuesday, and fun history stuff alongside commentary on slavery, how much the British empire sucks, the evils of capitalism, love, devotion, grief and humanity.

Enjoyed HP Lovecraft? Millennia old spirits from another dimension bound into servitude by magicians, capable of great power and devouring people and each other. One has tentacles and also really likes knives. The protag djinni has eaten people multiple times. There's at least one spooky eldritch horror in each book, even if in one case he's kinda trapped inside a skeleton.

Like wordplay? Puns? Unreliable narrators? Magic and murder mysteries? Awesome action scenes? Traumatic backstories? Suspiciously goth Egyptians? That one kid who died ages ago but who haunts the narrative like a ghost? Endings that will devastate you? Corruption arcs turning redemption arcs? Then boy howdy do I have three books and a prequel for you!

(start with the trilogy, though, is my recommendation.)

Don't know how to obtain the books? I have all 4 in pdf format and am more than happy to share.

If you don't feel up for it, no biggie. If it turns out not for you, perfectly fine! I just thought I'd throw it your way in case you end up enjoying it ::3

YOu know, I actually have it in my reading list since last year and one of my buddies has a 13cm-tall book with the whole tetralogy! I guess it's time to read it

Thank you for the rec and also for the donation! You're always the kindest 🥺🖤

#reading list #mutuals with a very good taste #I can't say no to eldritch horrors and morally grey characters #thank you again!#ask #bartimaeus

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roleplayhonestybox · 10 days ago

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In my experience I have never met someone who is a talented role-player AND advanced lit. A talented writer, sure, but there is a distinct line between writing where your imagination is the only limit and role-playing where you are expected to collaborate and share the responsibility with another person. I muse high energy characters. If you send me MULTIPLE paragraphs full of dialouge it's very bold of you to assume my character won't have something to add that interrupts the flow of your response. I feel like an NPC trapped in an unskippable scene where my choices are incredibly limited- and don't get me started on being sent 8+ paragraphs of inner musings that contain no action or useful interactions. I'd rather learn about your character through their actions and words rather than be told who they are in every response with nothing to back it up.

You can be the most talented writer on the planet but if you do not leave room for people to collaborate then you're better off writing a fanfic. Otherwise it just feels like godmodding back and forth where we spend more time assuming what the other character will do rather than letting it play out organically. Watch a movie. Read a play. Open a book. How many lines does each character say before the other character takes over? I've never found a piece of media where the answer is several paragraphs worth in EVERY interaction. Occasionally, yes, especially when plot relevant but it'd be exhausting to read a book or watch a TV show in that format.

Obviously there are exceptions and I'm sure some people enjoy this but I'm not one of them. I make it clear upfront how much I write and so often I'm bombarded with these ridiculous responses that are long enough to be a fanfic chapter and give me no sustenance to reply- so then I'm pressured to bullshit my way into matching length because I'm "lazy" if I don't find random crap to fill up the message. Here, just let me describe the sky for three paragraphs to make you happy and give you a random flashback sequence. Oh, still not long enough? Don't worry! I'll just go off on a tangent about who my character is without examples.

If you're writing to hit a word count then you're not doing your best.

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kingcedricthegay · 10 months ago

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So I read the first chapter of your Cedric x Reader fanfic and came to share my thoughts.

I will say, I'm not too fond of x Reader, I'm more about reading about characters instead of being one. That being said, I liked that there was an effort to include other characters from stf, and I actually got invested from how the fic was formatted as a genuine stf episode.

I don't want to be too critical of the portrayal of some of the characters, but as a Roland enjoyer, I felt your portrayal of him was quite decent until it came to Cedric. I'm not sure at what point the story is supposed to take place in besides being between Great Auntventure and Day of the Sorcerers, but I feel that Roland being unhappy about Cedric coming along doesn't feel in character. At most points in the show, Roland is shown to not mind Cedric, let alone with Sofia. Cedric's Apprentice was an episode where Sofia literally became Cedric's apprentice so he could help her for a test, and Roland never once objects to her being with Cedric. I think Roland doesn't have as big of a gripe as people think because he's more disappointed at Cedric not being able to do magic than him as a person overall.

That being said, I love how you wrote him as someone who respected Sofia's wishes and let her bring Cedric along to the carnival. That is very much like Roland to see that Sofia likes something and sets aside his biases for his daughter. I can understand headcanoning Roland not liking Cedric as a person, and It's not something I'd agree with, but I absolutely agree with him respecting his children and their wishes.

As for the royal family as a whole, I didn't expect them to take as much of a focus as they did, and it was a pleasant surprise to have the children interact with Y/N. In fact, the format of the fic was so creative, with the royal family being so involved, I found myself being invested more in that than the x Reader parts. That's just me liking things not involving Cedric more because of how focused he is in the fandom. I wanted to talk more about the other aspects of the fic because I think people would find these elements such a treat.

While the royal family isn't THE main focus, I found Amber and Miranda to be a bit weird as characters. The fact I preferred the writing for James over them says something. With Miranda, I felt she wasn't a character like everyone else. The only role she seemed to have was as a mother and nothing else. The way she didn't have as much of a prominence as the others bummed me out. And it's not that she had to have a bigger role, but I felt myself questioning where she was.

My thoughts about Amber are based on my opinion, but the way she was written felt mixed to me. There were parts where she felt like Amber, like her excitement at getting her fortune told, but her being interested in whether she has a spouse?? I don't know, I personally don't think she would be too interested in that, or at least would be more interested in other aspects of her future. Plus the "I AM EASY" part caught me off guard. That part with the part before of Amber eating fast but elegantly did not pair well. It felt like Hildegard core.

These are just my thoughts though. I really enjoyed reading this fanfic despite some parts I didn't jive with. I would recommend it for anyone who likes a storyline with their smoochies with Cedric rjdbhdidjdjdjrj

Thanks for recommending me this fic /g /vpos

I ain’t reading all that I’m happy for you tho or sorry that happened /ref

No but seriously thank you so much for writing all this 😭😭

First of all I always try to make my one shots feel like they could more or less happen in the StF canon, so I’m glad it works!!

Regarding Roland, I know that you love him but I don’t necessarily like him that much. I think he’s okay most of the time, I just hate him for fun lmao (that’s probably why I wrote him as less likable than he actually is)

About the characters overall, this was my first piece of StF fan fiction and when I was writing this I hadn’t finished the show yet (I was maybe at the beginning of season 2) so the characters hadn’t gone through all the development they had to go through yet, and I guess I didn’t have that good of a grasp on their personalities. Now that you point it out, looking back Amber was never boy crazy so I agree that that bit doesn’t make any sense (😭), and yeah I guess Miranda ended up being just… mom.

All in all thanks for the feedback! ❤️❤️

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americanrecord · 2 months ago

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hey kelsey! idk how active you are on here, but i just saw that you wiped your old blog and wanted to send a message! as cheesy as this may sound, the love letters series and your writing/blog got me through my freshman year of college. for some reason i started feeling nostalgic of that time and wanted to check up on your blog and see how you’re doing! i fell so in love with your characters and the story you created. your blog really felt like a little “community” and i loved hearing about your writing process + the behind the scenes glimpses. wednesdays at noon became the highlight of my week..lol. but anyways i just wanted to let you know that i was thinking of you :)) i hope you are still writing because you have a true talent. love letters always felt like more than just a fan fiction and your passion showed!

hi!! sorry it took so long to answer this. i was, in fact, not active on this blog at all this summer. or, really, since may. and i did wipe that blog last november, so if anything's gone on over there, i haven't really seen it.

this was so sweet to read, however. i read it the first day that it came in and it made my day then, and it's made my day again now. funnily enough, writing that series also got me through my freshman year of college. and my sophomore year, and my junior year. i, honest to god, miss that community more than anything. i sometimes go through very brief, spasmodic phases where i think i want to pick it up again, but because of where i stand with the band now and also just purely moving onto projects that are quote-unquote more obtainable and suited to my current interests, writing style, and schedule, i know it's just my brain confusing wanting to write that specific work with wanting to have a place to talk with everybody about writing again. not necessarily that project, just anything in general.

i never took any ask i ever got for granted, and having so many people to talk to about something i loved so passionately definitely got me through my college years, which did turn out to be some of the hardest of my life! wednesdays at noon were also my favorite. i remember there would be wednesday nights where i'd check out of homework time, or writing time, or even like tv with friends/my family just so i could go answer the asks that'd piled in my askbox since posting. i would jokingly walk out of the room and say it was time to go upkeep with my correspondence.

so i hope you're doing well!! since setting the fic aside last year, i have since rewrote the first book in an orginal format, went through the drafting process, and walked away hating it, wrote a second unrelated book and Loved it (and still have the drafting process awaiting me once i figure out my future law school things), and i am now finally looping back around to turning it into something original again. i've sort of come to the realization that i can't really continue with any other book ideas i have until i get this one right and get it out of my mind, because i really do just love the story (or what's become of it) and the characters (or what's become of them) so much. i've become very, very busy as of late, but i'm still writing!! and i know i always will be in part because of how much having that blog showed me i could love it and could share my love for it.

if you don't have an electronic copy of the files and you'd like one, always feel free to message. i don't have much to do with it anymore, but i know so many people enjoy it, and it makes me happy knowing other people can continue to enjoy it even unfinished ♡ and thank you so much for the message. it means the world!

#ooo missed asks so much #and truth be told #i think the new format i've worked out (am working out) for the rewritten version is something we all would've died over on that old blog #giving each character their own book probably would've saved me so much grief #✉︎ — confessions.

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mx-piggy · 1 year ago

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Just finished season 1 of the Afterparty and I felt like writing my thoughts about it. I'd also love to chat with other people about this show, so feel free to comment, rb or DM me! Spoilers ahead!

I'm definitely going to have to rewatch it at some point (maybe after season 2 is fully out, so I can watch them back-to-back), because I want to see how everything plays out in hindsight, and see what details I can pick up on.

I started watching this show because I saw a gif from the most recent episode in season 2 ('Hannah', I think) and it looked kinda gay. That's how I started watching the Last of Us. And many other shows. I'm a lonely, desperate queer.

Overall, I really enjoyed it! I'm a fan of all the genres it combined, and I think they worked really well together. I feel like, even if you don't gel well with the comedy, the compelling mystery and characters make it worth a watch. I loved the format of having a different sort of genre in each episode, with my favourite styles being Chelsea and Yasper. And, I adore unreliable narrators.

The only episode I went into knowing the genre (or in Zoe's case, the medium) were Aniq and Zoe, but I correctly guessed that Brett was going to have an action-style 'movie', Yasper's was going to be a musical, Chelsea's was going to be a thriller kind of movie and that Maggie's was going to be kiddie-fied. Guessing the genre's not an achievement though, despite my sense of pride.

I didn't correctly guess the killer until I did my thing of reading a reader-insert fic just before the finale, and a line in there (something to do with 'keeping secrets') made me think 'oh shit'. It wasn't necessarily a spoiler, but it did make it click for me, and I noticed things in the finale leading up to the reveal, like Yasper being absent from when Aniq woke up. Before that spoiler, though, I guessed it was probably Walt, though I did suspect he was just a red herring. Part of me also had this crack theory that it'd be a 'Who Shot Mr. Burns' thing where Maggie killed him by accident (funny how they share the same name), or that she'd witnessed Xavier fall accidentally.

Speaking of which, I think the conclusion was satisfying and made sense in the way Danner explained it. I'm hoping it'll hold up on rewatch- I'm guessing it will. It made sense, and I think it's impressive for this kind of comedy show to commit to having one of their charismatic main characters being the killer, instead of copping out and make it be someone we don't really care about. Well, I cared about Yasper at the very least. He was one of my favourite characters, and I'm very sad that he's probably rotting in prison. But, I'm glad he had his moment of fame.

Since this is fiction, I'm allowed to say 'fair enough' to Yasper murdering Xavier. I think everyone at that party should have been more grateful to Yasper for getting rid of him. (/lh) Though I think it would have been hilarious if everyone was actually grateful, instead of them all celebrating that the killer had been caught. That said, even though I love Yasper and I condone what he did, it felt kinda nice for Danner's investigation to be celebrated, even though I'm not a fan of cops.

That said, I do have a small issue with the finale that is entirely personal to me and my preferences, and this could easily be fixed if I wrote an angsty fanfiction like I normally do. So, my problem is that I wish that the revelation of what Yasper did had more of an emotional impact on Aniq. I know that they haven't spoken in two years prior to that night, but they were best friends in high school, and I think it's kind of dismissive that they went straight from 'Aniq feels betrayed that his friend would do something like this' to 'now he's kissing Zoe in the car'. I know it's a comedy and it'd be weird for the season to end on such a depressing note, especially since in the end the murder isn't taken that seriously by Yasper (in a scene I sincerely enjoyed and felt kind of happy for him in). Speaking of which, I read some analysis on Yasper and the perception of success in terms of careers that was really interesting and I'll link here, so that kind of makes that scene a little sad because Yasper would rather be an infamous killer than a guy with a successful career. But, y'know it's a comedy so I'll try not to think about that or I'll be sad.

Now I'll get onto the characters, specifically the main ones. I like them all as characters. I'll only go into depth about the characters who get an episode named after them, Xavier and Walt.

Aniq is really charismatic, and I think he's a fun main character to have even if he's not the most interesting necessarily. I think it makes sense to have such a puzzle-oriented character as the main character in a murder mystery. Plus, he's a genuinely nice guy, so it makes it so you don't want to see him get sent to prison. I'm pretty sure he's the main character of season 2 as well, so I'm happy to see him return.

I really like Zoe, too! I was worried that she would just be 'the artsy, perfect love interest' that you see in teen movies, so I really liked to see her story of struggling with who she is and what she wants. It really resonated with me, and her episode was really interesting to watch. Personally, her episode reminded me a little of BoJack Horseman (the show, not the character). I don't really understand why her episode has such a harsh rating on IMDB, because I think the storytelling and use of animation to further characterise and flesh out Zoe was really effective.

I like Zoe and Aniq's relationship too, and I think that's really impressive because of how I struggle to get on board with canon relationships in rom-coms. A lot of the time, it feels like I'm watching a kid holding their Barbie and Ken dolls in either hand and repeating 'don't you think they should kiss?' But, with Aniq and Zoe, they had genuine chemistry (no pun intended) and they both work as individual characters outside of their relationship.

Yasper is one of my favourite characters in the show, probably second to a character I'll get onto in a minute. I think he's a great subversion of the 'best friend hypeman' trope, where he actually has motivations and goals outside of his best friend. I was worried that his character was going to just be the 'oblivious loudmouth best friend', and, like with Zoe, I was thankfully proven wrong. He was a delightfully complex character who did the world a service. I can't be bothered to analyse him in the detail I'd like to, so all I'll say is that I am going to spend some time tomorrow reading some angsty Yasper fics.

So, my favourite character in the show was Chelsea, and I'm honestly so in love with her it's insane. Her character was so complex and interesting, and on a personal level she was really easy to empathise with. I knew early on that she wasn't the killer, and that she was just a fucked up woman who deserved so much better in life. It made me so happy to see her making amends with Zoe, and to see how nice Yasper and Aniq were to her, because all she really needed was to escape the high schooler judgement and be afforded some compassion and kindness. And, I found it simultaneously heartbreaking and heartwarming that she was so used to the feeling of being judged and ostracised that she didn't get revenge on Xavier and wrote that apology on Aniq's hand for him drinking her cat roofies. Her arc was the most satisfying to watch for me. I'm devastated that she's only in season 1 (though I get it from a narrative standpoint). Hoping she will live on through fanfiction.

Brett was also a surprise to me, because I assumed he was just going to be a total loser who thinks he's a badass and that's it. But, I really like how he was actually a decent dad to Maggie as well. Like, sure, you shouldn't leave your kid alone in a car for a prolonged period or speed when your kid's in the car (or at all), but still. It was really sweet to see the joy on Maggie's face when her dad was living out some Fast and the Furious fantasy. And, I like how the motivation of his episode was to get the koala back. It made me giggle.

Danner was a really interesting character to watch. Again, I'm not a fan of cops, but I personally feel like her character is well-done. She's someone working against a shitty system as best she can. She'll do what's right as opposed to staying in favour with her colleagues who believe in protecting their own than pursuing true justice. I like how she's very unconventional in her approach, where she knows she'll find something relevant in seemingly unnecessary details. It makes her a really interesting investigative character. Plus, I really like Danner's personality; she's also a very charismatic character, minus the being a cop thing.

Walt wasn't my favourite character but I still liked him enough. It was kinda depressing (in a fun way, though) at times to see him be so overlooked by his peers. I thought it was funny that, in Maggie's version of events, he's a puppet who just says 'Walt'. And, I liked that he's so overlooked that his designated episode (High School) isn't named after him and we don't really get his perspective as much as we did with the other characters. It fit a lot with the outcast, background role of the character, where his own party, his own story isn't even about him. It was nice that they remembered his name in the end.

Maggie is so precious to me fr. She's such a sweet kid and I want to adopt her. Her joy is so infectious.

Now onto Xavier. As a character, Xavier was really incredible. As a person, I'm overjoyed that someone took the initiative to dispose of him. His relationship with Yasper was so interesting, and I like that we got to see his origins as a kinda dorky teenager who wants to reinvent himself and is heartbroken 'heterosexually' when his best friend wants to break up their band. So much so that he gets into a fight with the guy his best friend definitely isn't in love with. But, he fucked over my darling Chelsea and my guy Aniq. He makes shitty music. The only good thing he ever did was make Maggie's favourite movie. Overall, he is basically Jamie Tartt, if Jamie was murdered before he could become the man we all know and love today. I mean, neither of them wear shirts under their suits, and Dave Franco and Phil Dunster have some physical similarities.

I'm really looking forward to watching season 2 and to rewatching the whole show. And to reading some angsty Aniq/Yasper/Xavier fanfics. And to hopefully finding some fanart to reblog. I need to consume fan content for this show and these characters. Especially Chelsea.

#the afterparty #the afterparty spoilers #long post #the afterparty season 1 #aniq adjaye #zoe zhu #detective danner #yasper lennov #i won't bother tagging the characters who don't have surnames on wikipedia

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mercurial-vroom · 3 months ago

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Hi Meg!

I just finished binge reading GTG and hopped on straight here to yap about it.

I don't think I've EVER had this much fun reading any fic!!! The humour was, the EASTER EGGS from irl F1, the pace, the group dynamic and ofc CarCar!! You guys are absolute geniuses! The jokes during the group interactions were especially my favourite but nothing will beat the utter chaos of the gc when Lando outed CarCar. I had to legit stop reading to laugh at that one for at least a couple of minutes straight!!

And your Charles has got to be my most favourite Charles from ANY fic based in ANY universe!! Loved loved loveddddd his ditzy characterisation.

If you do actually end up writing more for this universe - which I hope you do - I sure hope you consider writing a gc interaction at some point. I would totally not mind the entire spin off or multiple chapters being solely in the chat format. You guys are hilarious, your humour is top notch and so is your writing so I'm sure you'd COOOOOK with it!! And I'd gobble it up!!

Okay that's enough rambling haha. Just, thank you for writing this beautiful fic and for sharing it with the CarCar fandom. We definitely need more CarCar enthusiasts like you to keep this ship sailing!

Wahhhh this is the absolute kindest ask I've ever gotten! Thank you so much!!! ❤️❤️❤️ We had just so so so much fun writing Grill the Grid, and it makes me immensely happy that people are getting even a fraction of the same joy and laughter out of reading it that we got from writing it.

And I am definitely planning to add more to the GTG-verse! At the risk of making promises I may not 100% deliver on, we already have a couple ideas that we're considering for little bonus oneshots or follow-ups (none are guaranteed to actually be written, but we're having lots of fun spitballing concepts):

An entirely groupchat-based spin-off, like you said! I wrote all the messaging bits in the original story, and they were so fun to do... the texts from the "CarCar get caught" scene in Ch 9 came out of me literally jolting awake at like 4am one day with them having popped into my head fully formed, and I had to frantically type them up in my notes app before I went back to sleep and forgot all about them.

Something Maxiel focused - Their developing background relationship was a really fun part of the story to write, so I've definitely been thinking about ways to make them the focus of a spin-off... either something going back into how their relationship came to be/what they really got up to at that holiday party, or maybe something in the future, like a fluffy little oneshot of Max helping Daniel come up with questions for a week he's not going to be there (including lots of couple-y bickering and subsequent makeup sex, ofc).

The Chaotic Adventures of Charles - My husband sent me this idea in the middle of a workday last week, and I can't stop laughing every time I think about it. 😭😭😭 The idea of Charles getting into Situations all day and then having a Slumdog Millionaire-esque sweep of trivia that night (to everyone else's immense surprise) based on the random things he learned is soooo funnysilly to me. He is allegedly drafting up an outline for me of this and was responsible for most of Charles's funniest lines/general aura in Grill the Grid, so we will see!

4. Galex? - I adored writing Galex's dynamics and would love to write a whole spinoff chapter that focuses on them, but I am stumped by the fact that I never actually decided whether they are together or just, like, intense platonic soulmates. So maybe that's something to be explored? Though I also don't want to ruin their intentional aura of mystery!

5. CarCar in Spain - I've thought a little "meeting the family" oneshot of Carlos and Oscar in Spain for the holidays could be fun... possibly alongside snippets of a trivia night back in Austin that goes very unsuccessfully without their presence, lol.

Anyway, for anyone who enjoyed Grill the Grid enough to read through this entire stream-of-consciousness text wall -- would love to hear what type of spin-offs you'd be most excited to see, or if there are other ideas or characters you think could be fun to explore!! ❤️

#ask #grill the grid

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one-britt-to-rule-them-all · 1 year ago

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Just me rambling about my fanfic projects

(I didn't really proofread, I'm sorry.)

Listen, I know nobody's really gonna give a fuck, but screw it, I need to word vomit a bit.

I've posted on another platform about how I've been writing some Twisted Wonderland fics behind the scenes – three of them, to be exact. I haven't published them because I've been enjoying writing and indulging in this hobby in a stress-free manner, because I sometimes feel overwhelmed when having to cater to an audience, which incidentally takes the fun out of writing for me and causes me to block or burn out easily.

Doing this has really been making me happy, and I'm on the fence about publishing the fics. I probably will at some point; it would be a waste to not share the works. Plus, they're already written in a reader insert format, so it's not like I'd have to change much about the stories to cater them to my typical audience. I think I'd publish them only when I'm nearing their completion or when I have a lot – and I mean a lot – of chapters done. That way, I can set a consistent upload schedule.

But regardless of what I end up doing, I'd like to share the basics of the three books I've been working on! So continue reading if you're interested! ~

I'd like to give a preemptive warning that the second story I talk about is heavily NSFW-based. So, if you're uncomfortable with that, then skip over to #3.

Another thing: the reader is referred to with she/her pronouns throughout the explanations, though if published, they might be changed to GN, but I'm not really sure yet.

So, the first book I want to talk about is called 'The Devil's Wonderland.'

This story is definitely inspired by some elements of Obey Me, though you don't need to have played Obey Me to understand what's going on because although it's inspired, it's not a crossover and the OM characters are never mentioned.

This book does follow Twisted Wonderland's main story, though, with some artistic liberty taken to make it more unique to me and my story-telling. The reader is the highly-respected and somewhat feared demon lord of the Nether Realm (hell) and runs an institution where demons of all ages learn various things about the Nether Realm and important skills to have as a demon. The idea of the institution was first brought forth by the previous demon lord, her father, but the reader is the one to have actually gone through with it. Much like the Twisted Wonderland side of things, the institution has seven dorms with one demon at the head of each of them, and each dorm is based on one of the seven deadly sins. The dorm heads are personally very close to the reader in one way or another, and all come from different social standings of demon hierarchy.

Her office has a mirror that allows her to look into different universes and realms, as well as travel to said universes, which is where the reader learns of Twisted Wonderland, a Realm she finds absolutely enchanting and fascinating and was contemplating taking a vacation there. However, when one of the freshmen, a mischievous cambion who has already earned himself the reputation of being troubled, gets called into the office, he goes into the mirror and Twisted Wonderland. So, with her trusty right-hand demon man at her side, they go into the mirror, where they are transported into Twisted Wonderland at NRC. They end up using humanoid disguises with magic to not draw much attention to themselves — they're unaware of what constitutes normal for the world — and originally have a mission to retrieve the troubled student and bring him back to the Nether, but they get dragged into the mess of the prologue of the main game. The thing is, the reader realizes that she likes being in Twisted Wonderland because of the way she's being treated. She's not being treated with fear and superiority. People aren't sucking up to her or blindly following and adoring her for her status because the NRC men don't know that this is the literal queen of hell.

She likes it. She likes being just another person. Hell, she gets excited when people outright disrespect her because nobody would ever dare say their true thoughts to her back in the Nether. So, she wants to stay in Twisted Wonderland to experience a semblance of normality, though she still has to flip-flop between realms because she has duties back in the Nether, so she's living this double life. Much to the chagrin of her right-hand man.

To make the story more unique to me, I've implemented a lot of elements of the original universe I've been building for myself and OCs, and there a few of OCs that will be added to add a little something!

I'd like to briefly introduce these OCs to you. Please note that all the artwork that I'm about to show you have not been made by me. They are all paid commissions of my characters, directly taken from my ToyHouse account. I'd also like to apologize for the poorly-done collages of the images. I tied to condense things as much as possible.

Obviously I won't be revealing too much info on them as I don't want to spoil things should the books come to the public, but I want to share a few tidbits!

Starting off with my personal favourite and one of the most relevant characters, meet Alastair:

Al is the right-hand man and butler to the reader. His loyalty to her knows no bounds, and he's almost always seen with her. They actually have a very close relationship and respect each other as way more than just business partners, instead seeing each other as very close friends. Alastair is an absolute badass in his own way and possibly my favourite character. I'd even go as far as to say that he's my favourite of ALL of my OCs. I've just grown super attached to this dude and can't wait to show him off in story.

Next, we have Luka:

Luka is the cambion that got Alastair and the reader in the mess in the first place. Being half demon and half human, he struggles with his identity as he's unsure of where he fits in best. He faces prejudice in the human community for being unpure (racism is actually a big thing in my universe regarding human views on non-humans) and the demon community often reject cambions for being 'not demon enough'. Luka gets a lot of character development throughout the story, and his relationship with Alastair is pretty comical, and the relationship he grows with the reader is so wholesome to the point where I'm debating not making Luka a love interest because I feel like they have a very familial bond.

So, Luka and Alastair are the main OCs and the ones that are seen the most. The other OCs get introduced slowly but surely and are less present — though they still hold weight — so I will rapid-fire them at you.

So, let's get into the seven dorm heads of the demon institution!

First, we have Melchom:

Melchom is the dorm head of the Superbia dorm, which is centred around the sin of pride. He is a noble who is very well-acquainted with the reader and her family, being a childhood friend of hers. They were brought up with the intent of wedded to one another, but that didn't happen for reasons I'm not spoiling. With striking good looks, great power, a high rank in demon society and the sheer confidence he exhibits, Mel is definitely one of the more popular and admired demons at the institution, seemingly being perfect in every sense of the word.

Next is Lucius:

Lucius runs Avaritia, the dorm based around the sin of greed. Although neither a noble nor anywhere near royalty, Lucius is a pretty successful business demon. He's incredibly skilled in business affairs and has made a name for himself in both the Nether and human realms, but is his money all from honest, hard work? Probably not. But he sure is good at convincing others that it is. He's a demon, give the shady man a break!

We move on over to Jinn!

Jinn is at the top of the Invidia dorm, which is based on envy. Out of all the dorm heads, Jinn is the most difficult with which to get along. Deep-rooted insecurities manifest as envy towards his comrades for one way or another, making it difficult to form a genuine bond.

Next is the duo of Gael and Aziel:

Leading the Ira dorm, based on wrath, are Gael and Aziel. Gael is the only human that currently inhabits the Nether Realm, and he shares his body with a demon named Aziel. The reasons as to why Aziel is possessing Gael are redacted for the time being as I don't want to spoil, but much like a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde thing, Gael and Aziel are completely different in terms of personality, and Aziel can take over Gael's body.

Next, we have Ezekiel, or just Zeke for short:

The Luxuria dorm is based on the sin of lust, and Zeke is the one who runs it. Zeke is a super open, chill and fun-loving guy who is all about self-expression and will absolutely shame kink and slut-shamers. He's allergic to wearing proper shirts, but if he must, he will. He also runs various clubs at the institution, including a dance club and a yoga club.

Next is Iblis:

At the top of the Gula dorm, home of gluttony, is Iblis. Iblis is an absolute sweetheart and cinnamon roll, whose tail and butt will do little waggles when food is involved. Despite constantly eating, he's rather fit due to gluttony demons essentially being bottomless voids, nearly immediately burning up anything they consume. And yes, his tail is as warm and squishy as it looks, and he's all for letting people use it as a weighted blanket. Once a human, reincarnated as a demon after death, one really wonders what the hell this guy has done to wind up in hell, he's such a sweetie... ~

For the last dorm head, we have Izzin:

The last dorm, representing sloth, is Acedia, which is run by Izzin. Much like, Iblis, Izzin was also once human and turned into a demon after death. Being a sloth demon, Izzin is forced into a perpetual state of sleepiness and because of that, he's the most uninvolved of all the dorm heads. Make no mistake, even in sleep, he's somehow perfectly aware of what's going on around him. He hears all, don't test him. Though when he's awake and aware, he's amongst the more mischievous and scheming of the dorm heads and often gets involved in Lucius' scams- I mean business.

There's one last character I want to show, and that's the reader. Now, in and of itself, the reader is not given a set appearance. The skin colour, body type, hair colour and style, eye colour, etc. remain ambiguous so that the reader can insert themself or their OC. Plus, this is made to be my sona as the MC of the story, but I still wanted to show! This is more to show what I have in mind with the outfit, crown, wings and horns when in demon form.

OKAY. Moving on to the next book!

The next book is... something. It's called 'She's a Monster.'

Let me explain this book's existence with a simple conversation between my friend and I.

Friend: Hey, Britt! You know how everybody writes fics where the reader is a monster fucker?

Me: ... yeah?

Friend: Well, hear me out... what if the reader is the one who's a monster, and the guys are the ones who are monster fuckers??

Me: ...

Me: *Opens Google Docs.* Say no more.

So... this book is a collect-all-the-men reverse-harem-porn-with-plot... thing.

To make this simple, it's Twisted Wonderland, but the reader is a big, strong, naga woman that brings out the monster fucker in the NRC men. There's the plot that follows TW and my added plot lines, but there's a lot of sex and kink exploration.

My portrayal of nagas is not accurate to our real-world legends. My portrayal of nagas is purely driven by my original universe and narrative, so keep that in mind!

The gyst is that the reader is a naga — half human, half snake monster — a rare creature on the brink of extinction in Twisted Wonderland. The reader has been living completely isolated in the depths of a forest near the Dwarf Mines. She's rather lonely and craves having a clutch — what nagas use to refer to their group of mates — so when she sees Yuu, Ace, Deuce and Grim adventure into the mines, she's compelled to help them out a bit and interact.

Now, in this story, nagas are rare and almost extinct, so while it's not normal for her species, the reader is willing to get with humans and humanoids because she's a little desperate. Here's the thing: nagas have a weird male-to-female ratio, with females being much rarer than males, where there's only about a single female for every nine males, so it isn't uncommon for females to have multiple partners, and this instinct is still very present, and so that is why the reader is compelled to get with multiple guys. However, despite this, female nagas are very respectful and gentle with their partners and love them all equally.

The reader in this can shift between her proper, monstrous form and a more humanoid form where she has legs, though she's not fond of being in that form as she gets sore from containing her monster form. So, there are scenes where the men fuck the reader in her human form and some scenes where it's human on monster.

The reader is portrayed as a switch in the book, but there's a focus on her being dominant. I'm just tired of always writing submissive readers, so I'm trying something different. Plus, female nagas, in this interpretation, are typically larger, stronger and more dominant than the males.

Also... the reader has both female and male anatomy. I primarily work with female anatomy in the story, but when in her full monster form, the reader can sheathe and unsheathe two dicks, so there are some scenes where the dudes get dicked down.

There's some genuine fluff and emotional connections made, it's not all smut, and there are definitely some comedic moments, especially with the reader just... not understanding everyday slang, technology and human things in general.

So yeah, this one is definitely sexually charged and not for the sexually squeamish.

I'd like to give a visual reference of my OC that I've used to base the reader off. Again, keep in mind that my showing you these images is only to give you an idea of the physical traits the reader has in her monster form. Her skin/scale colour, hairstyle and hair colour, body type and shape, eye colour, etc, are all for you to pick. The basic appearance of the reader's insert is their choice, but this is a template for you to know what I have in mind when writing in terms of physical traits. The reader's 'colour palette' while in her monster form isn't mentioned, so feel free to think of her as the colour of your choice. Doesn't have to be purple and gold.

Her name's usually Lilith in my universe, but she's (Y/N) here, obviously! I have some more art of her, but the images are... very NSFW. So, I'm not showing.

Onto the last book!

The last book is called 'Monsters & Magic.'

I don't have a cover for this one yet, but here's a commission that's in progress that I should get this week. There's gonna be a nice background of NRC's courtyard!

POKÉMON X TWISTED WONDERLAND CROSSOVER!!!

Okay, so this book is a little different... it's kind of a CYOA?

Also, you don't NEED to be a pokémon expert to read this, but it definitely helps.

Basically, the reader is a champion-level and gets yeeted into the world of Twisted Wonderland thanks to Arceus. Basic stuff. But here's where it gets a little different: the book has three prologue chapters, and in the third prologue chapter, the reader stands in front of the mirror, and the story branches. There are seven branches for the seven dorms, and the reader will be placed in one of the dorms, and you choose which paths you want to read. So there are basically seven stories in one.

I decided to do this because I wanted to follow the stories of Twisted Wonderland, but I wanted the reader to experience the events of every dorm from the perspective of someone who's in that dorm. I wanted to write a bit more of an inside view of the dorm dramas and characters, with added plot lines and scenes made by me, of course. This is also a good way to give more depth to some characters I feel got screwed over by the writers. Leona, my love, I'm looking at you.

The reader also changes depending on the dorm she's in. Her personality and backstory are different, her pokémon team is different, etc. This is for variety because I don't want to write the same character over and over again but in a different setting.

The reader is from a different region for every dorm and has experienced the events of the main games associated with that region, plus more. The thing is, there are nine main regions and only seven dorms, so I can't honor them all. Plus, if you count Hisui, Orre, Fiore, Almia and Oblivia, there are even more regions.

Since I wanted to involve as many of the regions as possible, I fused some of them together, so here's what I got:

Heartslabyul: Paldea + Galar

Savanaclaw: Sinnoh

Octavinelle: Hoenn + Alola

Scarabia: Orre

Pomefiore: Kalos

Ignihyde: Kanto + Johto

Diasomnia: Unova

Because Hisui is basically old Sinnoh, I decided to not include it at all, but there are some nods and references to Legends Arceus, notably in the prologue of the book where Arceus brings the reader to Twisted Wonderland, and how pokémon are portrayed to be, as they are, wild creatures that can be extremely dangerous when not tamed.

Fiore, Almia and Oblivia... as much as I love the ranger games, I decided to not include them. Mostly because I haven't plsyed the games in so long that I don't remember them that much, but also because I wabted the reader's history to be more trainer-oriented.

Orre is included becasue I'm a sucker for the GC games, but also because I think the story and atmosphere based on those regions is great, and I'd love to incorporate it!

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All in all, I'm having so much fun writing these books, and if I ever release them to the public, I hope y'all will enjoy them as well!

Welp, thank you for coming to my TED talk! See ya!

#twisted wonderland #twisted wonderland fanfiction #fanfiction ideas #work in progress #twisted wonderland x reader #twst #twst x reader #twisted wonderland x pokémon #reader insert #female reader #monster reader

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waterfallofspace · 5 months ago

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hiii!! omg thank you so much for supporting my child 🥰 hahaha i think you’re always a snz writer even if you haven’t posted in a while!! if you’ve experienced the epic highs and lows of writing your own snzfic you know the pains and the joys 🙃 and ms ma’am even if it was only for a moment in time you went off!! (and it was wonderful)

anyways you know i always love to see your thoughts so here are my questions for you if you’d like!

🥳💌💋😎!

omg hii!!~ <3333 ofc i support it!~ it's an amazing list girl!!!~ and agahgahgh- >-< thank you!~ I did have a blast, and honestly might be trying to slip back into it here and there~

Thank you for the questions! I'll answer one, then stick the rest under a cut so I don't flood the feed with all my words~

🥳 Do you read your writing after you’ve posted it?

At the beginning I might scan/read it once to make sure everything formatted/copied over right, and there's no obvious typos, but after that I do tend to go back now and then when I want to remember what plot I used, or spellings, that kinda thing! Overall I don't usually read it in the 'what a meal' mentality, though if it's been long enough sometimes I can disassociate from it being my writing, and just enjoy it~

💌 Do you prefer to write from the perspective of the snz/sick person or the caretaker? Do you see yourself as one or the other?

I'm gonna give such a cop out answer and say both ToT but hear me out!!! I will explain in a way i hope still gives an answer!! so, for the sake of getting a full experience, i find it easier to write from the snz/sick person, since it's easier to explain how they feel and their symptom progression and such. however!!!! honestly i would always see myself in the caretaker position if i was picking, so i sometimes find that pov a lot easier to write?? feelings wise and such

💋 Do you like to get feedback midway through, or do you hoard your drafts until they're complete? / Do you typically feel comfortable sharing your wips with other people?

Okay so- I don't think... I've more than maybe twice, shared any drafts..? I don't really have people I would share it with inherently, but also I think I'd just feel so exposed ToT like, vulnerable, going here's this unfinished thing, witness my imperfections' aguagh idk- Though!! I will say, I do really appreciate input on plot and ideas and 'oh this spelling could work', at least in theory ToT again, don't really have people i've done that with, but i think as long as it feels a lot more like brainstorming together, I really enjoy it!!! but feedback/edits on a thing I'm still drafting (even my own at times-) stresses me out a bit aha~

😎 How long do you wait to post fics you’ve completed? Do you post them immediately? Do you want a few days?

Normally, when it's any sort of request, no time. If I manage to sit down and hammer it all out in one go, I'll usually edit once, read it over to make sure it flows well, then just go ahead and post it! Ones that are more for my own sake, if I finish them and are happy, I'll just post them before I can sit on it too long and lose the motivation to post or ability to see it for anything other than it's imperfections~

#waterfallasks #girl not only thank you for the list but thank you for the ask!!!!#i hope the answers are okay ToT im such a ride the fence person on so many things i know i know ahguhag #and a fair amount of words but i tried to keep it one paragraph each more or less~#but THAKN YOU!!! for asking and for creating this list and everything and such!!!!

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flockrest · 1 year ago

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this one's to the lovely who dropped an entire essay back @ me in the inbox! i've decided to format the post such that i can answer some portions directly so none of us get confused, hope you don't mind! anything indented is what you sent in, the rest is part of my response :) it's another doozy but we love those, don't we? asflkdj here we go!

Hi, hope you're doing well! I'd been the anon giving you asks more on Revali's personality and his behavior around the Flock and the Flock's reaction (mostly Tulin's) towards him. Also, the 1.6k did not overwhelm me- if anything made me very happy and overall more curious ahahaha. If anything- thank you so much for accepting and taking the time to answer these asks. Can relate to the unhinged feelings over the lonely rito- I could be hours and hours thinking. That gif of the guy with a board behind full of clues and trying to connect the dots- that's currently me.

hello, welcome back! thank you, hope you're having a wonderful time too!! ♡ also gotta thank you again for sending these in, i genuinely get so excited to see things like this in my inbox!! your passion is so great to see! i'm glad you enjoy my answers, and that they make you all the more curious and open to sharing with me ♡ what a huge mood though afklsjdg this stupid bird just has So Much to him

I've re-read your post various times and even tried organizing my thoughts in paper. And there is so much I want to ask... What caught a lot my attention- was how you spoke a bit of Rito village during & after the Calamity; ofc we don't really get a clear picture of the before even with AoC's light but we do get the clearest view of the aftermath of it (ofc 100 years skipped). I do feel (Pre-Calamity) Rito Village had a larger flock(?) compared to the village we get exposed during BoTW/ToTK events. In a way feels the loss of their Champion & Calamity's wrath- made them all realize the importance of that sense of unity.

yes, exactly! you get it! it's a natural outcome from suffering any huge loss...and while it comes from a place of tragedy, i just. really appreciate how homely and cosy rito village feels in both botw and totk because of it — you get that sense of nobody is genuinely uncared for, even link! and this isn't to say that the other peoples of hyrule don't care for their own, it just! hits different with the rito. like you get the impression that everybody interacts with each other everyday! you literally can't go from the top of the village to the bottom without seeing almost every single resident; they're all practically neighbours! they're all, on some level, friends!

this significance on sticking together as a community is especially evident in totk. seriously, it makes me so emo seeing the kids step up to fill in spaces the adults did not mean to leave behind nor expect them to fill :') and their efforts don't go unrecognised, as they shouldn't be, but oh my god. on my hands and knees over how cherished the kids are in this damn flock!! nekk ( MY BELOVED ) puts it best: "they're the saviours of this village."

and like! they're going through extremely hard times with supply scarcities but still find the capacity to be so generous?? there are more things than i expected lying about that you can just grab — that they'll consciously let you grab! i'm going to need these folks to stop having such a huge collective heart fr it's making me feel A Lot 😭

( and in reviewing cutscenes from both botw and aoc in this context, i think we can safely say that their residential population was indeed bigger pre-calamity. there's more background npcs just chilling about in the memory "revali's flap" compared to most post-calamity cutscenes, and aoc literally shows that there are enough rito present for brigades! the reduced numbers we see post-calamity could simply be attributed to more rito travelling beyond their home and even hyrule, but then the calamity would probably be a big reason for that too )

Brings me back to ToTK, where I noticed most adults in a way spoke highly & relied (at least to me) a bit on Tulin's ability to use wind magic- after all it's been a long time since they ever witness it. But also appreciated how Harth's dialogues which he praises the boy's ability but is concerned of how Tulin is taking certain approach (how at first he goes alone) and his overworking state. Even Teba & Saki recognize their son's abilities but as parents are concerned- I am pretty sure while they acknowledge him as a rito warrior, they also want him to continue living his childhood. (Link does too btw- sorry I don't mention them often)

OH, FOR SURE. you are right on many points here; for sure, the adults have come to see tulin as a young rito warrior in his own right and do trust him to contribute in a way they wouldn't ask of the other fledglings; harth makes it clear that even before link had come, sending tulin to investigate the cloud surrounding the stormwind ark was an option they weren't as opposed to as our introduction to the kid made it seem ( and it's not just his wind-gust technique they're so in awe of either! god. he really has worked so hard!! and everybody can see it! 😭😭 ).

with the worry, i believe the nature of it really depends! it's all completely warranted given how tulin's initial views on how "he doesn't need anyone else backing him up" has apparently "gotten him into trouble more times than [harth] can count" ( which is definitely concerning but also. it can't be anything worse than getting his bow stolen and being left with just his talons for defence in the face of a monster, right? because tulin. tulin. that could not have been your turnaround if you've been doing shit like flying straight into frost taluses solo or something sflkjd ) anyway, but it seems for teba and harth, it's more in a we're worried you're actively sabotaging yourself with your recklessness way.

saki had hang-ups about tulin losing his innocence too early in botw ( "he is such a sweet boy," she says, and it never fails to make me collapse on my knees because he so is and the best thing is he never loses that aspect of himself!! ), but does appear to have come to accept that her son's growing up in totk? i unfortunately don't have a screenshot of the line that indicates this, nor do i remember it verbatim, but the vibes i'm getting from her are i'm worried because you have not learnt enough to be as grown up as you insist you are ( which leaves you ill-prepared for the situations you're trying to fly into ).

ofc it all connects to a primary worry for his safety and his tendency to do way more than anyone would ask of him, but i do think they understand, on some level, that trying to completely stop him is ultimately futile and will only make things worse — in that he'll start deliberately pushing them away when he's only leaving them behind for now.

he's a tween! still a child but only ever getting older, and with how important it is to their culture, i imagine being a warrior isn't as mutually exclusive from childhood as it'd be for us. like tulin's an outlier because he's a prodigy who excessively worked himself to that title, but i don't doubt that compulsory education for growing fledglings would involve, among other things, learning how to at least hunt and defend yourself in the wild! so i don't think it's that they're scared of him growing up too fast at that point in totk — because while he's definitely matured more than his peers in some parts, he is very much still experiencing being a child no matter what he argues in many others aflskdj — just more like...they want him to grow up well. properly, for a lack of better words. WHICH INCLUDES NOT OVERWORKING. oh my god with the overworking

( also oh boy. very glad you brought up link! no need to be sorry! i can't say much on him because i'm not a link writer, though i do ramble about his dynamic with tulin, including how he potentially sees himself reflected in him, over here if you're interested! )

But this also sends me off to another "path" makes me think- What if Revali didn't have this type of support? And it made me think how similar were Revali's and Tulin's in some aspects but how different the outcome were for both- it's a bit tragic at least for me.

YES. YES!! THIS IS IT, YOU HIT IT ON THE HEAD!! i've said it before and i'll say it again: tulin and revali are essentially one support system removed from being each other! they share notable parallels!

just. the fact that harth notices the injuries on tulin's wings from pushing himself to the limits. we don't get follow-up dialogue on that, but there's such a high chance that Words are exchanged between them when link leaves them be because we've seen their relationship. we know how harth cares for tulin, we know tulin is loved for more than what he can do and looked out for. now juxtapose that with revali, thrown out of his own tornado, alone in that moment where he picks himself up as well — but way less likely to have anyone say anything about his wing injuries or to even let someone think he has them. [spontaneously combusts]

i would say more on this and why the sages of totk in general act well as foils to the champions of botw, particularly regarding themes, but that really does feel like a post for another time sdflkjd and it is tragic! it is very tragic! revali was doomed by the narrative in more ways than one :')

I remember the diary where he speaks how the town began praising him for his achievements- that type of validation can be good but to an extreme and left unchecked, it can spiral someone into depending of it. And yet at the end of that diary... he still spoke how he need to continue perfecting himself. Something that AoC made me think in more depth was how almost everyone was "chosen" by destiny (or have a unique ability) and carried a title. But when I look at Revali he seems somehow an abstract to them. Even though in his diary such things were not something he cared for- he mostly valued folks by their responses and actions. (Note: Found cute how he appreciated the scarf and gave one to his bow... It really meant a lot to him// Also I do think Revali appreciated all the Champions including Zelda & Link).

YEAH. YEP. and the way he at first speaks about it, how he contradicts himself in tone despite trying to sound so self-assured — "as one would expect" VS the "i...could get used to this." that follows in the same entry — that's the attention and glory he's always wanted! now he's gonna affix it to the meaning of loving and being loved. which he's also going to attach to his abilities and what he can offer, which is deeply connected to his perceived self-worth. and he's going to make sure he'll never run out of ( tbf real and well-earned ) confidence in that self-worth by constantly pushing himself to greater, more impossible heights. i'm going to put this bird in a washing machine.

he's literally just a guy!! it's one of my favourite things about him, he's Just Some Guy in the group of people who were born into wealth; powers; blessings; respect. they all had their trials, but he earned his place among them from the comparative nothing he started out with and he's justifiably proud of this!

i do think he's also insecure about it at first, tbh ( which he reacts to by laying on the conceit even thicker ), even though his belief in hard work being a supreme indicator of one's "true strength" isn't actually shaken. he is genuinely like i more than deserve to be here but he's also like. and there's nothing you can do about it. don't you forget it. don't you forget it. don't you ever forget it. i wouldn't say it mellows out, but the more he gets to see the champions in action ( thus confirming that they are on his level — that he's fit to make a constellation amongst these that've already been mapped ), the less inclined he feels to explicitly remind them.

and oh my god. the things i could say about what the blue scarf likely means to him. it was handcrafted by zelda, hyrule's princess, for him specifically. it's part of a matching set with other big powers of hyrule. titles and uniform do nothing for him, he claims, but isn't this like being told you are one of us? that you have much to offer? it's "meaningless pomp", he says.

it's also still a gift.

the cloth he ties to his bow is the same shade of blue. i should really make another study post speaking about this more in depth, but i've always interpreted it to be a memento the same way teba and saki's feathers on tulin's quiver are! in tulin's time, this might mean, "these people are always with me." in revali's time, on the brink of a calamity, i imagine it might mean, "( if i fall, you who finds me, ) i belonged with these people."

And yet when Teba & Tulin show up- there is this subtle change on him(?) I wished the game had dwelled a bit more on Teba and Revali. Seeing their interactions was always interesting and in a way, Teba seemed to understand the rito champion. While I felt Teba was that friend or even family member(?) that Revali needed in a way or I could be just over reading, ahaha sorry. But sincerely, I always felt Teba & Tulin were that family or friends- that in a way Revali needed and it makes me think so hard on the "What ifs" and "What could have been"...

what i wouldn't have given for more content and interactions between these three as well!! it's especially fascinating to think about it from teba's side — there is so much recontextualising he has to do and does do about revali, because the one he's grown up idolising and hearing Songs about is uh. well, he's certainly there in the revali he meets, but i doubt he's really prepared for things like how painfully young he is.

he handles it very well honestly asfklsdjg i would not have taken to the realisation that my champion is a warrior hardened only by constant work and the battles he throws himself into, and kind of a fucking brat because he's like the 18yo who thinks being 18 is a decade away from being 17, and died distressingly young back in my timeline with the same grace he gives when he says — of the entire wild experience that is aoc — "this has been enlightening".

you are not over-reading, do not be sorry fr!! i do think revali found an opportunity for companionship in teba that he couldn't find anywhere else when he's built relationships and dynamics he can't change because he has an image to uphold! teba already comes with a dire respect for revali, the knowledge that his story does not end nicely, AND HE'S AN ACTUAL DAD. that sort of thing can bleed into your behaviour and the way you process things without meaning to asflkdjgs

THE BIGGEST MOOD!! wow i'm so glad writers ( it's me, i'm writers ) can create literally anything they want and so can explore these what ifs and what could have beens and give a resolution to a story cut short. this is what my the champions survive au is all about, i hope to have you stay long enough to see these things come out of it ♡

As for the Flight Range & Saki's dialogue; I've always been emo about the F.Range specially when you walk in and hear his theme playing in this music box style... it's like part of his soul is also there but that flame that burnt passionately has subdued and waits to pass to torch to the next generation. In ToTK it made me cry- specially when Kaneli comments (when you pick the bow,arrows) how they been collecting dust... But on the bright side, made me happy that even with the damages- they still hold dearly to the place and is currently being used as training grounds for flight. Which... is what Revali wanted for his people for them to reach the sky and break the limits (or that how I interpreted it).

AUGH EXACTLY, YOU GET IT!! 😭 he never gave it his name but it'll always be his! it's the most melancholic we ever get to hear his theme, full of the wistful yearning that was definitely present but more muted in its botw version! it's lost potential. an unsaid goodbye. revali's gone. but it's also grounds for hope, a tiptoeing hello: his legacy lives on still! i will always go fucking feral over the music in these games!!

YES!! YEAH!! [HOLDING YOU BY THE SHOULDERS] he calls his journal "the diary of revali, the rito legend" BUT HE DOES NOT. GIVE THE FLIGHT RANGE LITERALLY MADE FOR HIM HIS NAME. because it was never going to be something solely for him. he loves his people, he was never going to stymie their prospects! this loser is so good at making me infuriatingly sad AUGH

Re-reading Saki's dialogue with the context you given me- hit me like a ton of bricks. Because it was a new pov. When I first read her dialogue, I took it more of a "Remembering our Champion- one we couldn't help" rather than "commemoration of what he couldn't do". But I also remembered how contrasting are Teba and Saki; Teba being a warrior with pride, reckless at times - who admired greatly Revali's feats and aspired once to surpass him. Meanwhile Saki is more calm and is concerned with the concept of engaging battle- nervous about the training her son was exposed to. So, when re-reading her dialogue I take it more of a wife and mother concerned of losing her companion/husband and son to a similar fate to Revali's.

i swear we are on the same wavelength. yes, exactly!

another thing about revali's landing that makes me so, so deliriously emo — it's a physical permanency given without request: in the best way they can afford to grant it. the rito notably have very little tangible representations of themselves. they don't have statues or effigies like the zora or gorons ( and why would they, when they have Songs and the Windlines and are also probably restricted by their morphology ), and revali does not have any family to be likened to. link remembers him through seeing the landing, which was there, a part of rito village, before it was ever deemed revali's. it wasn't made for him. but they gave it to him! and i'm!! [BLUBBERING]

Revali's love for his people and Rito Village- it breaks me. I can understand that sentiment of loving someone or something from a far (?) - Even when challenging W.Blight and listening to his lines (both english and spanish for me), one can hear that hidden sadness. It's hearing someone who wants to go back home. "But even so, it will always be my home." - the entirety of those lines really hit me so hard the first time I've heard them.

I KNOW. I KNOW. [head in hands] a century has passed and he can't fathom it. "there's no one left who would even know me." he sounds so struck by it, in both the original jpn and english audio, i want to wrap him up in a blanket and toast him like a marshmallow! how much of that is grief? how much of that is longing? how much of that is some strange solace, in knowing he's alone but there's nothing he could've done about it this time?

Also, it makes me glad seeing a Tulin who can see the good in Revali- even if the champion can have a bit of a thorn like exterior. I've read some of the threads! They been wonderful and brought me a lot of joy. It makes me happy to see Tulin taking flight and moving forward. When you mention your student-disciple, are you referring to Kido? I know there were two names but I've lost the post with the cups. I would love to hear about them all!

thank you!! it heartens me to know that you've dipped into some of my ic writing too! i hope you'll continue to enjoy your stay here!! ♡♡

SLFKJKSDLG SO I'VE CHANGED IT IN THE POST NOW, but i meant master-disciple! apologies for the confusion!! kido is an original character of mine who would actually rather fall into totori lake than be revali's student alfjsdkg but that's how it be when you're a kid with a complex, turned-less-than-pleasant background with the concept of revali. if you're interested and up for it, please do give his dossier and study tag a peek! this is by no means a request that you do; it's totally fine if you leave him be!

There so many questions and facts, I would love to talk about... but as I scrolled up- I noticed this is becoming a long one. I am so sorry. I'd been trying to simplify and cut a bit ;-; Plus, I know this blog is a multiverse but focused on Tulin and I don't want to bother. So once again, thank you so much for taking your time in answering these asks. If anything if you ever do the academic-paper length study on lonely birb, I'll run over to read it X'D !!! But I'd been enjoying everything of the meta- the studies on rito's culture and behaviour. Also been curious on your views on Kass taking the role of a bard... Yeah, looking forward to keep reading. Thank you once again.

please, never be sorry for giving me your thoughts, no matter how long they end up being!! i mean it! i enjoyed reading through every line, it means a lot to me that you'd take the time and energy to send something of this scale to me ♡ you did not bother and will not bother, i promise! any of my muses are up for discussion, and so are their people in general! i have an itch to talk about these birds at all times, lurkers like you give me a great scratch ♡

one more time, thank you for your kind words!! i'm so happy to know that my thoughts are received this well!!

KASS MY BELOVED. i'm not sure if you've seen my study on what Songs, Songkeepers, and Scriptweavers are, but if you have, then here's some paraphrased disco ramblings on my Thoughts on him! with how important a role he played in keeping and invoking memories of the champions in botw's dlc, i'm of the belief that he's rito village's primary Songkeeper! ahaha, on this note ( and this is more of a fun roleplaying easter egg than anything ): my botw verse is named Song of the Reclamation — i keep the headcanon that kass, specifically, writes this Song after the game's events tucked away with other misc. details that inform how i run things here :)

this is already long enough, so i think i'll end it here asfljkd but feel free to bounce your thoughts off me anytime! this has been an absolute pleasure, looking forward to seeing you in the inbox again whenever you drop by! thank you!! ♡

#* arrowhead / study.#* vanes / study.#* roosting / ooc.#i hope you're sitting down or in bed because this a probably a good piece to read #when you're like. about to sleep. or when you're stuck in traffic sflkdjg #~2.7k words long excluding the ask! it's a bit of a monster!#BUT GOSH. thank you so much again for indulging me and letting me ramble my HEAD off about my blorbos of all time!! <3 #GENUINELY I APPRECIATE THIS SO MUCH. NEARLY CRIED WHEN I FIRST SAW THE ASK (AFFECTIONATE)#i hope this will be as enjoyable for you to read as it was for me to write! thank you! LOVE MY LURKERS. I LOOOOVEEEE MY LURKERS #someone better give me an absolutely UNHINGED about tu.lin and rev.ali medal at this point slfkjdlkg #long post cw

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