#if only because nobody new can redeem map pieces right now

[magichats-fr]

poking around neopets again after the last time I popped my head in for that one time I wrote an essay about how flight rising didn't feel as lived in, and I'm having a good time.

Things aren't great, but better than when I last checked. in hindsight I wonder how much of that was flavored by nostalgia / how much neopets had an unfair advantage due to time (regardless of management or mismanagement) that flight rising just doesn't have (nearly 10 years compared to neopets having well over double that). More of the maps are stable, the shops are a nice blend of how they were in the 2000's and modern web design.

it is nice that the flight rising economy is stable however. I don't miss being broke on neopets and now with the abundant lack of games to get neopoints from / the fact that they haven't adjusted payout to make up for having only 14 functional flash games converted it's harder to really make neopoints.

[iit-s-kitty]

"My problems with Rise of Skywalker, because fuck being neutral this movie was a crime"

Written by a disappointed Star Wars fan that happens to ship Reylo, and who will most likely ends up rewriting this mess in her fanfiction

The ridiculous fast pace: seriously, this movie feels like the project you forgot to do on holidays and the due date is tomorrow, so you're just doing the "important plot points": The Palpatine plot? Check. The Rey's parents plot? Check.

The lack of closure for the character's storylines: throughout the sequels it was stablished storyline that allowed for the development of different characters. For example, Finn learning that escaping is NOT the way of opposing the First Order, Poe learning to be the leader the Resistance needs, Han coming back in order to face that what became of Ben's was equally his fault as well as Snoke's, and the most important ones being Rey and Ben's journey. Here? All forgotten. Suddenly we erased whatever happened in the last two movies and give everything for granted, because no one gives a fuck about what happened. Poe is the same as he was, Finn is still hung up on Rey and exhibits no personality of it, Rey has no sequels of what happened in Ach-To at the cave or in the Throne Room with Kylo, and speaking of which...

WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED WITH KYLO? We cut the last movie on the biggest cliffhanger for this character: he had killed his master in order to gain more power (ironically surpassing Darth Vader... Only that Kylo did it in order to protect Rey, something he wasn't looking for and ended up wanting her at his side), became the Supreme Leader and witnessed the almost complete wipeout of the Resistance as well as Luke's demise. Yet to him it meant nothing because the only person that managed to connect with him decided to stick to her own path and giving an open door to the redemption arc. The logical step was having him as this ultimate boss they all had to defeat, The Supreme Leader... That would progressively become more and more disenchanted with it. Snoke is gone, his abuser is finally gone but what can he do about it? He still has all this rage, all this pain. Think of Zuko when he finally "regained" his honor by supposedly killing the Avatar, yet he felt it wasn't worth anything because he had betrayed the only person that cared for him, in Kylo's case it would be the "death" of Leia, the lack of closure on his part with Luke, Han's death and of course, Rey turning his back on him. What does RoS do? NOTHING. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. Sure, Kylo does redeem himself but the way of doing so...

What the hell with Kylo's redemption? Sure, it happened but the execution was awful. If Kylo was to be redeemed it needed to be EARNED. I'll take again Zuko's example: Zuko not only faced remorse that he was lying to the face of everyone and that Azula could rat him out, it all felt empty because all these people had never cared for him, unlike Iroh did— and now Iroh was imprisoned, starving and humiliated in the deepest cell of the Fire Nation because of him. Sure, he regained his honor, but it comes to a point where he himself said it: "I'M MAD AT MYSELF, because I can't tell the difference between right and wrong anymore". Then, he learns of what his grandfather Sozin did to the Avatar, his best friend, and he knows what to do: the only way to truly regain his honor is to right what his family did wrong and help Aang bring balance. He tells Ozai (which funny enough is voiced by Mark himself) a beautiful "The reason you suck" speech and goes out of the palace to help the Gaang and... They don't want him there. They're ready to kill him on the spot because of all Zuko made him went through and Zuko does NOTHING to stop them. He fully accepts the guilt of what he did and shows with actions that he truly means to redeem himself and train Aang. And even then he faces suspicion and prejudice by the whole Gaang at first. Then, on the Sozin's Comet he helps them by defeating Azula with Katara and helping in the search for Aang, and becomes Fire Lord by the end of the series, intending to start a new Era of peace with Aang's help.

What I'm trying to say here is that, if they were trying to redeem Kylo, fine, do it! I know that the fans of the character (which aren't few) and fans of ships like Reylo were rooting for a redemption of Kylo. But if that route was the one to be taken, then Kylo had to, as we say here in my country, "go through a fuck ton of work to do so". He would first need to doubt whether this was the true path for him (something he was already doing), see the true extent of what the First Order was doing, throw a few punches with him and Leia's relationship as well as his relationship with Rey. They needed to work on his reasons to switch to the Light side of the Force in order to do the redemption and yes, we could say they did it with the Reylo, which I'm a fan of. But it was rushed, sloppy, it wasn't earned ffs.

Leia, Han, Luke, and the whole treatment of the original trio in this shtick: I know, I know that Carrie Fisher is dead and everytime I remember it, I kid you not, I cry because she was a wonderful woman that showed me that despite my mental illness I could still do something worthwile with my life, that I could take the pain to do something beautiful with it. And Leia is a wonderful example of a female character. I know that because of Carrie's death they couldn't do a lot with the character— but that is not an excuse then they put a woman on CGI with her face in order to give "closure" to her character, and I'm sorry but if that was closure for Leia then I'm princess Diana. Leia was Kylo's mother, if someone was rooting for Ben to come back then it was her (as well as Rey, but that's something I'll discuss later) and if someone deserved to have a final moment with him, to see him come back, IT WAS HER. Let me explain, as I said before, even the members of the original trio had a journey of their own here: Han's was trying to reach out for a son he didn't always treat right (if not that he outright feared him) and take responsibility as a father; Luke's was coming to terms with what he did, come out of his depression and acknowledge that Ben can indeed come back as well as to take responsibility for his mistakes. Leia's, given her role as a mother figure throughout this trilogy as well as a leader for the rebellion, was learning to accept the help of a new generation and to guide them, as well as trying to reach for her son in order to make him see the true path. If Kylo is Zuko, then Leia is Iroh here (someone should make a fanart of Kylo apologizing to Leia like Zuko did with Iroh btw). But NOPE, her only purpose is to die so that REY has to have compassion for Ben and then let HAN, OF ALL PEOPLE, reach out for Ben. The whole last movies were building for a moment with Kylo and Leia, to have either a confrontation or a reunion and even if they had the means to do so despite Carrie's death, they gave us nothing. Zero. Nada. Leia died being a prop to Rey and not even her arch with the Resistance was closed. What a rip-off!

Why the hell do we have to bring the Emperor back? No, really, fans of Star Wars— why do we have to bring Sheev Palpatine back and WHY did it have to be the way it was handled? You want to him back? Okay, do so, BUT NOT IN A WAY THAT UNDERMINES ANAKIN'S STORY. By bringing Palpatine in a "he was always alive" fashion, not only do we open the door to a fuck ton of plot-holes, but we shit on the entire Original Trilogy and the journey of Anakin Skywalker. He died for nothing, yes, he saved his son— but the Galaxy was still on the clutches of this monster, HIS FAMILY WAS STILL IN DANGER BECAUSE OF HIM. Heck, as much as I think the EU was a mess with overated or downright badly written characters (cofcofMaraJadecofcof) the whole "The Emperor has a clone as a failsafe and thus come back" was a better way to bring him back. You wanted to make Rey the relative of someone important? Make her the Emperor's clone, the future vessel a le Sasuke and Orochimaru— BUT DON'T GIVE ME THIS SHIT.

Also, if Luke knew so well where the Emperor was hidden that he even made a MAP to him, why didn't he grab Leia (who's now an even better Jedi than he was, apparently), went to Exegol and beated the shit out of his old butt? IT WOULD'VE SURELY BEEN MORE BADASS THAN THIS.

Rey is now a damn Mary Sue: coming back to the theater with my friends, we joked that Rey is the maid of your grandfather that ends up being the one is given everything after your grandpa's death.

The last movie, Rey was given the harsh truth as well as us: not only were her parents pieces of shit that never cared about her, thus not coming back— but us, as viewers, were given the truth that there was no mystical lineage of heroes to explain her powers, that she was just... A nobody. She was the underdog, the Foil to Kylo's ascendancy of heroes and villains and all around famous people. Rey had always dreamed that her blood family would come back, that someone else would come and sweep her away from her personal hell— only to learn, from someone like Kylo, that no one was going to do so except for her. And it was a fucking amazing character arc!

But reddit theorist don't care about any of that. SHE CAN'T BE THAT POWERFULL UNLESS SHE IS SOMEONE'S DAUGHTER! And thus, we shit on the last two movies, her character and her development in order of pleasing people that couldn't stand her being the Jedi of the trilogy in first place.

Not only are her parents now tragic heroes that tried to save her (then why LEAVE HER WITH SOMEONE LIKE THAT IN THE FIRST PLACE? 👀), but the worst part is that they try to give us a "the family you make is more important than the one that birthed you" by her taking on the Skywalker name. Despite having her entire relationship with Ben going back to nothing on this movie and only kissing him at the end.

AND EVEN IF SHE TOOK ON HIS NAME, IT WOULD'VE BEEN "REY SOLO". ARE THEY EVEN LOOKING AT WHAT THEY'RE WRITING?

Rey deserved better than to be the fullfilment of dudebro's complaints and reddit theories.

This movie pulls ALL the punches: say whatever you want about The Last Jedi, but that movie had BALLS unlike Rise of Skywalker. C3PO can lose his memories in order to help the Resistance? DON'T WORRY, HE HAS A BACK UP. Chewie might be dead because of Rey, and thus opening the door for interesting character development as well as an emotional moment for us all? FUCK THAT NOISE, HE WAS ON ANOTHER SHIP. And now, Rey is a Palpatine, Ben dies because WHY THE FUCK NOT, and thus we ensure a narrative so paint by the numbers that would leave everyone happy, right?

The whole fucking Sequel Trilogy was about making a new path, taking risks and opening a new age— even if that meant to let go of the past (heck, it is said in TLJ). See it for yourself: TFA has a Stormtrooper deflecting, the death of HAN SOLO, and a woman who is a nobody being more powerful than the grandson of Anakin Skywalker; TLJ almost kills Leia, they tell us that Luke is responsible for Ben going to the Dark Side of the Force because of his paranoia, the Rebellion is left in shambles, Rey learns that her parents were alcoholics and are dead, and Luke sacrifices himself.

"But Leia died—" Leia died because Carrie is dead, Karen. Otherwise I bet you that she would've lived like Lando did.

We're so feminist and woke!... Or are we?: let's see: Rose Tico, because bigoted morons are a big sector of this fandom sadly, almost doesn't appear in this movie. In fact, she doesn't even talk to Finn despite the fact that the last movie build up to them being love interest.

They introduce us to the character of Zorrie, who appears like an old flame of Poe but doesn't stop her to being a person that would put herself above others— even if it means to throw them under the bus. That would make for an interesting character! But nope, she is only there to be an exposition bot for Poe and making him look good.

They introduce us to Jannah, a woc that like Finn, used to be a Stormtrooper and has fled the First Order and went into hiding, alongside people like her because of the sheer fear they have of being found. That would make for a kick ass plot were they regain their fight spi— but no, she's only there to make Finn look special.

This movie (and like many Disney live actions) appears to be "woke" in order to ensure a better box office, but that is— they look the part but don't exactly play the part. They only use this movements in order to further their own sales— they don't care about representation because, with what they did to Rose, they show you that the moment representation stops selling tickets they'll throw it out of the window.

If you agree and have more to say.

[zombiescantfly]

Words About Games - Unreal Tournament 3 (Epic Games, 2007)

Unreal Tournament 3 is nothing short of an utter embarrassment, incompetent at nearly every level, and a gross misunderstanding of a playerbase that was, at the time, nearly a decade old.  I wish I could just leave it at that, but this is the first game I ever felt wronged by.  

This was a franchise killer.  UT3 flopped so hard that it took fans desperate for any sign of a new game ten years to make Epic even consider adding a new entry to the series, and even then it is, as of time of writing, on indefinite hiatus so the handful of developers assigned to it can make more Fortnite dances.  But that comes later.  Unreal Tournament 3 comes first.

The Unreal series was hardly a stranger to hard knocks.  Return to Na Pali was a dull-at-best expansion pack while the much-maligned Unreal 2 missed the point entirely and has since slipped into laughable obscurity, and even the original Unreal Championship on Xbox had to be redeemed with a well-received followup.  I played neither of those, by the way, it's just my understanding that the first one was bad and the second was good.

So what made UT3 the last chance?  What about it was bad enough to kill the franchise that had gone toe-to-toe with Quake and lived to tell the tale?  The real question is what the hell Epic was thinking.

Unreal Tournament 3 lacks a great many things.  At launch, it boasted a meager six gamemodes, and even then only by virtue of splitting 1v1 deathmatch maps off of Deathmatch and into a new category called Duel.  So, our gametypes are: Deathmatch, Team Deathmatch, Duel, Capture the Flag, Vehicle CTF, and Warfare.  That's it.  No Bombing Run, no Mutant, no Invasion, no Domination (double or otherwise), and yet again, for some ungodly reason, no Assault.

I feel like I've done this before.  What else did UT3 leave out?  Facing Worlds!  Yep, it's out again, and this time without a replacement.  That's right, no Face 4 to make up for it.  A new Curse map, a staple of the series since the original Unreal multiplayer, is also missing.  Most of the character factions introduced in UT2003 and 2004 are gone, like the Nightmares, the Robots, the Juggernauts, the Mercenaries, the Gen Mo’kai, the Egyptians, and the Skaarj.  You know, the Skaarj, literally the most important faction to the series at large.  They're gone.  Xan Kriegor, the Big Bad of every Tournament since 1999, the final champ who uses an AI setting above Godlike, who has his own spaceship where the ultimate match is duked out 1v1 in a truly brutal and awesome deathmatch?  Gone.

But that's not the worst of it.  Sure, they stripped out almost everything they'd spent so much time building up throughout character and map descriptions for three games, but even that wasn't enough.  There has to be something else they could take away to really strip the game of its identity.  The Flak Cannon?  No, too easy.  The Shock Rifle?  Almost.  Malcolm, the veteran of all the in-universe Tournaments and arguably the (human) mascot of the series?  I'll do you one better.

They took away the Tournament.

They took away the Tournament.

They took away.

The Tournament.

Unreal Tournament 3 has no Tournament.  

What do we have instead, in Unreal Tournament 3, if not a Tournament?  Calling it Gears of War 1.5 is a good place to start.  

Unreal Tournament never really had a defining artstyle to call its own, but it was still recognizable.  UT99 had its harsh shadows and pockets of bright light on largely cool-colored maps, a very neo-industrial/tech vibe with a smattering of ancient temples thrown in there to call back to Unreal.  UT2003 and 4 turned their tech maps into something a bit shinier overall, left a bit of industrial grunge in, had their fun with future space techno Egypt, and splashed a bit of East Asian architecture in one or two maps for good measure.  Colors were bright, each map had an identifiable pallette, and it's hard to confuse one for the other.

UT3 came out after Gears of War, which means it looked like this:

Not helping matters is the new direction character design was taken, which basically boils down to taking Gears character out of their usual armor and putting them in UT styled suits.  Malcolm’s there and he's put on about 200 pounds of muscle.

Man, just look at all those graphics.  And it's a good thing there are so many, because otherwise how would we know what we're looking at when the dramatic cutscenes play?

Because since we have no Tournament in our Unreal Tournament game, we of course have to have a very dramatic story about a Krall invasion and this guy named Ronin’s quest to get revenge.  

Let's unpack that.

The Krall invaded.  The Krall, the mercenary/slave race kept on retainer by the Skaarj, are the primary antagonists, but not the Skaarj themselves.  Ronin, an entirely new character made for this game, is the primary focus when actual series (human) mascot Malcolm is right there.  And the whole thing is a heroic revenge story, not a Tournament.

I hate this game.

So UT3 forces a series of ladder matches across all of three gametypes into a narrative nobody asked for.  If it had had anything to with the series’ history, it probably could have been acceptable, but it doesn't mean anything as it is.  Matches are now short gameplay segments in between an overproduced narrative about revenge and retribution, and they're given wholly unnecessary context.  Deathmatch is no longer literal bloodsport to entertain the masses but a gritty, brutal battle of attrition until one side wears down the other side’s respawner charges.  Capture the Flag isn't a game, it's you taking a daring and gritty shot at capturing your ugly, inhuman enemy’s Field LAttice Generator to turn off their respawner.  Warfare/Onslaught isn't a fun territory control match, it's a gritty and unrelentingly brutal comment on how war is hell, as you capture territory to destroy the Core that powers your gritty enemy’s respawner.

Do you get it.  Respawners.  Real war.  Not a game anymore.  No fun allowed.

Sigh.

This game came out when I was late into highschool, and was one of the first games I was super excited about.  Back then I didn't actually play all that many games, tending instead to stick to a smallish library of my favorites.  So when UT3 was announced, originally as Unreal Tournament 2007, I was hyped.  It would be one of the first games on the brand-new Unreal Engine 3, and the handful of prerelease screenshots kept my attention for months with their unparalleled lighting and detail.  Blurbs about the changes they were making excited me, talking about how they were putting a bit more speed back into the game to win over the holdouts who thought UT2004 was too slow.  An entirely new roster of vehicles was going to sit alongside the existing ones, and a whole host of changes was coming to merge the best of UT99 with UT2004.

That's what they promised.  What was actually delivered was an anemic blend of half-baked executions.  People don't like double jumping and think UT2004 is too floaty, others like double jumping and think UT99 is missing critical movement options?  UT3 keeps double jumping but makes the total jump height of both equal to a single jump in UT99, removes wall and air dodging, and adds a noticeable recovery delay after dodging from the ground.  Cool, great.

People didn't like the weapon balance changes and replacements?  Toss out the Assault Rifle, bring back the Enforcer, but make it just as inaccurate as the AR!  Make the spread on the Flak Cannon’s primary tighter, but have its alt fire shell fall off even faster than UT99’s!  

That's not to say all of the changes were bad.  Believe it or not, Unreal Tournament 3 actually does have a handful of things I really like, which makes their presence in an overall worse game all the more painful.  Vehicle physics are greatly improved, the new vehicles are amazing, Adrenaline is gone, the Rocket Launcher has its grenades back, a lot of the new weapon designs are superb, powerups are back on the map, you get a hoverboard on Warfare and VCtF maps, and I'm all out of nice things to say.  

The game, visually, is a mess (see above).  A new graphics engine means new effects to play with, but those effects here are bloom and more bloom.  Players get lost in overstuffed scenery because the artstyle inherited from Gears of War is red on brown on gray.  A more grounded overall concept strips a lot of identity from returning maps, taking them from space or exotic locales and putting them in a generic futuristic cityscape.

That's a small complaint, and totally worth dismissing, but it shows a certain lack of respect to the history of the series, to me.  These are maps that have been iconic as a whole that have been repurposed to show off how many pixels can be crammed into a skybox.  When Facing Worlds was eventually re-added in UT3’s first and only content update, it was transplanted from two opposing towers on an asteroid spinning above Earth and just set in the mountains somewhere in China.  

If you're looking at it from a pure gameplay perspective then there's nothing wrong with the change.  But it's just part of an inherent ignorance as to what players wanted from this game.  We didn't want a weird storyline where we watch Epic mush per-pixel lit action figures into each other before graciously being allowed to capture the enemy’s Field Lattice Generator three times, we wanted to mush those action figures together ourselves as we climbed higher up the ladder towards facing the Tournament champion.  We wanted to thunder across whatever alien landscapes the map designer thought up that day and add another piece to the expansive puzzle of the Unreal universe, not spend two-thirds of the game puttering around China or the generic scifi city. 

Also, in going back to get those above screenshots, I discovered something I’d entirely forgotten: there are no map descriptions.  The strongest part of that good old fashioned world building is just gone.  No more short tales of a skyscraper built by a hubris-devoured crazy person, no more small insights into the shipping lines around this or that outpost, no more glimpses at all into the world beyond the game.  For them to suddenly make such a big deal about the story, Epic sure didn’t care about anything beyond their cutscenes.

But I guess I'm getting ahead of myself.  What else is in UT3?

Not a whole lot.  With a lack of gamemodes came a lack of maps, though I suppose 41 maps was still more than you could expect at the time.  The bonus pack that turned UT3 into the “Black Edition” (I have no idea) added 19 more and did, as previously mentioned, re-add Facing Worlds.  Mutators are also lacking, with a fair chunk appearing just as basic gameplay tweaks - no hoverboard, no Orb (we'll talk about the stupid Orb), no powerups, the Arena mainstay, no Translocator (just a game setting in all previous titles), friendly fire (also a previous game setting), game speed adjustments (yep, was a setting before), and your basic Instagib/big head/super berserk mutators like you always get.  

Gone are fun things like quad jump, vampire, big wheels, slow motion corpses, all the “other UT” mutators (UT Classic and UT 2003 Style if you recall), and vehicle arena.  Remember, no fun allowed.

And I sure do wish there was fun allowed, because some things almost are.  Warfare is the star here, or at least it should have been.  Imagine:  a map five times as large as the largest Onslaught map, still joined by paths of dozens of capture nodes linked together to create distinct fronts, laced in between guided objectives reminiscent of Assault scenarios.  Completing these objectives grants you unique bonuses on your path to the enemy Core, if you can make it past the army of players and vehicles ahead…

That's what Warfare was billed as, but that's not what Warfare ended up being.  What did it turn out as?  Literally Onslaught again, but with an Orb now.  

The Orb is a game-breakingly frustrating mechanic.  Here's how it goes:  the Orb spawns at a node you control.  Someone can pick up the Orb and carry it around, shooting a giant pillar of light into the sky wherever they go.  The Orb will instantly destroy and capture any enemy node it's brought to, and will be destroyed in doing so.  The player carrying the Orb can't use any vehicle except their personal hoverboard.  

The Orb either wins games outright or does stone nothing.  See, both teams get an Orb, so what happens most of the time is that one guy uses the Orb to capture a node, then the other Orb is used to take it back.  It's not like you can use it to get a sneaky capture, because of the giant pillar of light shooting into the sky and an icon on the minimap.  The Orb is stupid, and proper control of the map makes sure that absolutely nothing comes from its presence.  So good work Epic, you added another layer to a gamemode you already stripped back to exactly what we'd gotten before, and all that comes of it is absolutely nothing.

The new vehicles are cool though.  Everything from UT2004 makes a comeback with a tweaked design, and new Necris vehicles are added as well.  They're usually just an analog of an existing vehicle except with wiggly scifi tentacles, so you get a single-person hoverthingy and a VTOL jet with lasers and missiles, but they really outdid themselves with some of the other ones.  Filling the spot of the main battle tank for the new vehicles is a giant War of the Worlds style tripod that can clamber over most obstacles and terrain.  The light attack jeep spot is a laser-toting mini-walker that can retract its tendrils and roll around as a ball, squishing people on its merry way.  Like I said, not all bad.  Oh, but only one team gets them, and not all maps support their inclusion.  So only mostly bad.

But they are all that's left of a much larger gamemode that had more and more stripped from it until they were left with literally just Onslaught but with the Orb.  

And the bad things just kept coming, this time in regards to the music.  New composers were brought in again, in the form of Jesper Kyd and Rom DiPrisco, and they make a total mess of the place.  There are a good number of “remixes” present on the soundtrack, but where the musical genius Kevin Reipl took GoDown and made Hyperblast Redux, whichever of the duo made the UT3 remix of GoDown just added some modulation and a breakbeat.  Or maybe the classic Foregone Destruction, where the UT3 version just adds some modulation and a breakbeat.  Mechanism Eight?  Modulation and a breakbeat.  Skyward Fire?  Modulation and a breakbeat.  The classic Unreal Tournament theme itself?  Modulation and a breakbeat.  The instantly recognizable stage music for UT2004’s Torlan, SDG-ONS1?  Surprisingly, a mold-breaker here: no modulation, only an added breakbeat.  And someone wailing over it.  I get that it's supposed to have a vaguely Middle Eastern or whatever sort of vibe, ‘cause the original did and Torlan itself was set in a dusty oasis sort of thing, but they changed the setting for UT3 to be more temperate so I really have no idea.

My point is that the music in UT3 sucks.  Even past the embarrassing quality of the remixes, none of the original compositions are memorable.  There's no energy, there's nothing that plays to the idea of the game, and there's no bombast.  The music probably has its fans out there, but I'm about as far from one of them as you can get.

I’m also about as far from a fan of the game itself as you can get.  When this came out, I was mainly confused as to how it could be so bad.  It’s not like it was the first time I ever didn’t like a videogame, but for Unreal Tournament of all things to turn out so bad, I just didn’t really know what I was experiencing.  UT3 was so bad that within a month I was looking up tutorials on how to use UT2004’s editor.  A year or so later Epic put UT3 on Steam and added a content pack that turned it into Unreal Tournament 3: Black Edition (I still don’t know), but that added so little that it barely made a difference.  Two new gamemodes that just amounted to new types of Deathmatch, a handful of maps, and that was it.  

People made their own maps, sure, and I’m sure if I looked now I could find mods that make it a more bearable experience.  But at the same time, I’m not really sure.  Because see, UT3 didn’t just release on PC this time around, it also came out on PS3 and the Xbox 360.  Epic wanted to bring the award-winning modding scene to those platforms as well, which means the entire process of modding and the number of things that could be modded was cut way down to adhere to guidelines from both companies as well as the much more limited space available on the console’s hard drives.  I only ever looked into mods back around when the Black Edition dropped, and the most popular mods I remember from back then is just adding a Master Chief character model.

To say that Unreal Tournament 3 was a disappointment is perhaps the biggest understatement of this entire essay.  I’m not going to rant on about how it was a betrayal of brand integrity or something, because I’m not entirely that naive, but the failure of this game to do as much right as its predecessors or even impress on any great scale meant a lot for the arena shooter genre.  Id Software had bowed out and wouldn’t reappear with Rage until years later.  Halo was wrapping up its trilogy to critical acclaim.  Call of Duty was rapidly changing the face of shooters with Call of Duty 4.  Fallout 3 was near, Bioshock had come out a year or so prior, and Gears of War 2 would cement Epic’s new direction.  

There was no redeeming followup to Unreal Tournament 3.  Nothing came out to add Assault or Domination or Bombing Run back in.  It came out, bellyflopped, and Epic let it sit in the lovingly-rendered mud full of bloom and speculars that it landed in.  

In the decade-plus since then, the face of shooters has changed again and again.  CoD4 ushered in an unrelenting push towards modern-day settings, a small subset of shooters with RPG elements grew larger, Bungie made more Halo games and then Destiny, a whole indie subgenre popped up to try to let us relive the days of Doom and Quake, then a fantastic new Doom came out, and now everyone has a battle royale.  Even Epic.  

A few years ago on the official Unreal Tournament forums on Epic’s website, a group of fans formed a plan to make their own Unreal Tournament entry under a different name.  Work started, schedules were made, and it caught Epic’s attention as so many remake projects do.  But rather than end with a Cease & Desist like just about every other one out there, a few people from Epic expressed surprise that there was such a massive push and actually pledged their own support to the project.  Unreal Tournament 4 was suddenly an official project.  

It was a strange relationship, of course - Epic’s people gave it a place in their launcher and let it use their official servers, they signed off on all major updates and made everything nice and official, but the weapon, map, and character design was going to be on the community.  We can get into the ethics of that some other time, but the point was this:  Before all that long, there was a playable Unreal Tournament 4.  Maps were using placeholder art and geometry, most of the weapons were just the UT3 models, there was one character model, and all you could play was Deathmatch, but it was coming along.  And it did come along.  The Enforcer, Link Gun, Flak Cannon, Rocket Launcher, and Sniper Rifle were all finalized and modeled, a few maps were finished entirely and look gorgeous (and play really well!), and more character models were added.  

And then Fortnite got big.  

Fortnite, a weird little Orcs Must Die-alike with building and survival elements, wasn’t much of a big name until Epic added a battle royale mode of their own, not too long after Playerunknown’s Battlegrounds swept across the Steam Early Access scene.  What that meant for the UT4 project is that the handful of official Epic people who were getting paid to curate this giant mod endeavor were suddenly reassigned to work on something a little more immediate, namely Fortnite.  

The long and short of it is that Epic killed Unreal Tournament twice in a row.  There are still arena shooters out there.  Toxikk is basically just UT2004 deathmatch with a shiny coat of paint (I played a bit, it’s okay but lacks a lot in comparison); Quake Champions is a perfectly fine hero shooter with a lot of balance problems and way too few maps, plus it’s Quake which means all the problems I have remain; Tribes: Ascend came and went just as fast as players in it moved thanks to a suddenly overaggressive monetization model; and lately I guess Dusk has its multiplayer which I hear is pretty healthy.  

The arena shooter isn’t dead; no genre really can be, and I have firsthand experience with how much work can be done to keep individual games alive, but it’s certainly not a popular choice these days.  If so much has happened to the shooter genre at large since Wolfenstein 3D came out, that much and more can happen again.  More people are playing videogames than ever, technology marches onward, and maybe one day someone in the right position with the right resources will create something that finally puts the public eye back on the most classic of multiplayer shooters.

But until then, the decade of languishing that arena shooters have been the subject of is entirely Epic Games’ fault.

[doublehex]

Thoughts on 7x01 “Dragonstone”

Spoilers abound. Like seriously, if you are one of the 4 people that have not watched the episode yet, do not read before the cut.

The Second Red Wedding:

This scene suffered from a bit of a pacing problem. The dialogue was fine, and David Bradley was chewing the hell out of that scene. But the issue was, as soon as it started, we knew exactly what was going to happen because we saw Walder get killed off at the end of season 6! We knew it was Arya, and we all suspected just what was going to happen.

Exactly what we thought would happen did happen, and that is just boring. The scene had catharsis for the Freys finally getting their dues, but the way it all happened was just anticlimactic at best. We spent four seasons hoping for the Freys to get their due, and when they did get it, it was over with almost as soon as it started.

Still, “Winter came for House Frey” is a nice line.

Also, Maisie was totally on heels.

Main Title:

The horns got a budget increased. Still sounds synthy as hell, though. Like can’t HBO afford an orchestra for their genre defining show?

Bran at the Wall:

The lingering shot of the White Walkers was very creepy. Typical creepy electronics aside, the dark wind hiding most of the zombies did an effective job of creating tone and atmosphere. And when it finally culminates in the shot of the giant, showing the sheer mass of the approaching army, the message is loud and clear and terrifying.

I did find it weird that the Lord Commander would be at inspection of those passing through the Wall. We had long since passed the point of thinking the Wall is meant to stave off the Wildlings.

Also, Bran being all ominous and broody as his way of identifying as a Stark is Fucking A.

Jon Rules:

So we finally get to see Jon ruling in the North. This has been something we have been waiting years to see. Jon’s kingship has been foreshadowed constantly through the books. From Robert Baratheon’s remarks that the Northern kings are buried in snow, to Mormont’s raven frequent squawking’s of “king” and “crown” in Jon’s presence, and with Robb’s will on top of that, there is little argument that Jon becoming the next King in the North after Robb. The how of it is the question that GRRM will need to answer.

But we have it in the show (as awkward the coronation was). And Jon shows he has more of a handle on how to politically merge the wants of his Northern lords with the coming threat of the White Walkers than Sansa does. Probably because Jon knows that the White Walkers are coming, while Sansa just understands it. There’s a keen difference, and it is shown in our first scene in the North.

Sansa pushes for the Karstarks and Umbers to have their lands stripped from them, but a ruthless hand in victory will do the Starks no favors. Jon understands that the North needs to stand united against the coming threat, and he needs to give a forgiving hand to the Karstarks and the Umbers. If he followed Sansa’s advice, Jon would foster animosity in the families, and they would fight to get their lands back.

But now they have reasons to stay loyal and true to the Starks, especially since Alys Karstark and Ned Umber were not the ones to rise up against the Starks.

Ned Umber being a young boy is a double blessing for Jon. Not only is he young and easily influenced, but Jon can install regents that are loyal to House Stark to foster him. Jon can, from the root up, rebuild Umber loyalty to House Stark. On top of this, he shows that Jon Snow is a King worth following. He is not the Boltons under a more familiar coat.

Stay loyal and be rewarded, turn traitor and be killed.

I really am not liking how DnD are trying to imply that Sansa will be a villain. Everyone who knows these characters – and that should be everyone at this point – knows she will not turn against her family. It makes no sense for her to do so. DnD are just gonna make us all feel like “Oooo, will she do it?” and then “Nope, she didn’t. Like we all fucking knew”. It’s an annoying piece of direction from them, and I’d wish that they would just focus on Littlefinger as the antagonist in the North.

I also found Lyanna Mormont’s quip of rather holding a spear than knitting by a fire annoying. Who is going to keep the Northmen warm during the winter if they have no coats or cloaks? Northern nationalism warms the heart, but not the skin on your back. It would have been nice if the writers also had Jon say that the men will need to help with supplies, and learn how to forage in the winters. Have the Wildlings teach them a thing or two.

Also, it seems like the Northern lords jumped pretty quick on the “White Walkers are coming!” bandwagon. For all their lives, they were raised with the fairytale of the White Walkers, and all of a sudden they all believe in it? It feels like there was a cut scene of some Northmen asking themselves just what kind of crazy loon they had made as their king.

Jon and Sansa:

Again, DnD is trying to imply that Sansa will turn cloak, when everyone and their mothers know otherwise. Sansa says that she learned a great deal from Cersei – giving the implication that she learned how to be ruthless and cynical. But I think what Sansa is saying is Cersei will not stop at whatever it takes to come North.

Sure, Jon used the “Russia” defense theory, and it makes sense. But Cersei will find a way regardless. Sansa knows this, and she is trying to teach Jon that.

I appreciated what Sansa is trying to do with Jon here. She is insisting that he can’t think like Robb and Eddard, that he needs to be his own man. They were good men who made foolish mistakes – Ned didn’t realize the full scope of his powers as Hand, and Robb didn’t want to create a bastard by Jeyne Westerling after seeing what Jon went through. Jon can’t be like them.

However, this is all shit that should have gone down BEFORE they met with the lords. Sansa should have known better than to undermine Jon in front of his lords. She knows how important saving face is. Nobody understands social politics better than her. It was out of character for her to do what she did.

DnD were just creating conflict in an awkward way, and it showed.

Cersei’s Big Map:

Aegon the Conqueror had a painted table. Cersei is going to have a fucking floor. Says a lot about the differences between the two rulers. Aegon knew how to rule, but Cersei thinks walking over the realm is what makes one a ruler.

Jaime is beginning to understand the sheer depths of Cersei’s paranoia, and I liked how Jaime was asked if he should be afraid of her. Cersei should be afraid of the Volanqar standing right in front of her. Jaime also understands that the Lannisters have no legs to stand on. They have no allies, and no legitimacy to sit upon the Iron Throne. Cersei was the mother to the king, but that does not mean she gets to be queen.

Cersei is a usurper, and Jaime understands that completely.

Two Good Hands:

At this point we understand just what type of character Show!Euron is going to be, and he is nothing like Book!Euron. This Euron is just a crazy pirate with a flair for the dramatic. He is not a monster in the flesh of man. No sorceries, no Valyrian armor, no dragon binding horns, no Eldritch sense of horror.

And despite all that, I don’t hate the Euron we saw today. I loved how he chewed the scenery, his banter was great, and he has this absurd sense of entitlement. Jaime needs to get some oilment for the burns he got.

This Euron has no depth, but I’ll be damned if he is not fun as hell to watch.

I did appreciate how Team Lannister did not buy any of Euron’s shit. They didn’t just skip right into welcoming Euron with open arms – they wanted a reason to trust him. Euron admitted outright that he killed his brother and liege. Cersei has no reason to truth Euron.

The problem is, Euron is going to give her reason to trust him. With a gift.

Sam in Oldtown:

Hello montage. You overstayed your welcome.

On paper, Sam’s montage was fine. It was a decent amount of comic relief that overstayed its welcome, but what it did do was show how much time had passed since the finale of season six. Without this scene, one would think the new season began just as soon as season six ended.

However, the montage went on for a little bit too long, repeated the same notes one too many times. They earned one chuckle from us, and wanted two more. They didn’t get two more.

Sam’s scene with Archmaester Marwyn (or he should be) was nice. Having a maester that knows the Long Night is coming is a good indicator that an age of magic is coming, and the era of logic is coming to a close.

It was also important the message that the Archmaester said: humanity has survived. Humanity has always survived every calamity that has been thrown at it. The showrunners are telling us what the ending of the series will be – humanity will prevail, no matter what else happens. Game of Thrones isn’t a bitter narrative.

It is an affirming one. Good will always prevail over evil, but being good is hard. That’s why our heroes suffered for so long.

I just hope that Sam doesn’t find out that Rhaeger annulled his marriage to Elia Martell. Beyond the timeline problems, it makes no sense for Rhaegar to do that. Why would he make his son and daughter a bastard so Jon could be a prince? It pretty much makes Rhaegar a 100% douche with no redeeming qualities. That would add nothing to the narrative.

Sansa, Queen of Shade:

If we spent the entire season having people throw shade on Littlefinger, I would consider it well spent.

The issue I have with Littlefinger is I don’t understand why he is in the North, why he is doing anything. If he lusted after Sansa, why did he arrange her marriage to the Boltons? Even if he thought Ramsay was a fruitcake, you don’t want some other man screwing the woman you love. That makes no bloody sense.

So Littlefinger…why are you here? The writers wrote themselves into a corner with him. His wants are complete wishy-washy.

Arya and the Westerlander Soldiers:

I swear to God, I was the only one that didn’t recognize Ed Sheeran in this scene. Everyone says he pulled them out of the scene, but I don’t even know what the guy looks like. This is what I get for having 700 GB of soundtracks and classical music on my computer. (No regrets)

So since that was everyone’s singular criticism with that scene, I feel it was perfect. I loved how Arya is learning that not everyone associated with the Lannisters are bad people, and it does a double whammie of showing us (the viewers) that the Lannisters have no leg to stand upon. They have no legitimacy, everyone knows it, a stray wind will push them down.

The scene reminded me a lot of a narrative technique employed by many immersive shooters (System Shock, Thief, Deus Ex, Dishonored, Prey 2017), where the player can overhear the enemy talk to each other. You get the “enemy” earn a face, talk about their fears and doubts, joke around, be actual people.

This is what this scene does. It gives us a face for the normal Westerlanders that are dragged into Cersei’s bullshit.

They were very clean and pretty, for a bunch of normal soldiers, though. Smear some mud on their cloaks. I also felt they were just a wee bit too chummy with Arya, but overall the scene was stellar.

Clegane with the Brotherhood:

Probably the best collection of scenes in the entire episode. Yes Clegane, you are a terrible person, and you need to see just how terrible first hand. The great thing here is that, in such a fast-paced episode where everything is setting up something, this scene takes it’s time. They don’t rush through it, don’t force the lines along. It’s a pure character building moment.

Some people have issue with how Sandor saw things in the fire, but I think it makes sense. The Age of Magic is coming, and the Lord of Light wants everyone to know it. If you know how to speak to him, he will answer back. And Sandor actually seeing things in the fire…I think it shows how much closer he is facing his brother. In season two, he couldn’t even look at the fires on Blackwater Bay, and he was nowhere close to filling Gregor’s heart with a sword. But season six, and Cleganebowl is FUCKING CONFIRMED.

The gravedigging scene was a nice nod to his role as the Gravedigger from the books.

Sam and Gilly and Jorah:

Hey, Little Sam got bigger! Only took him like four years.

The scene was pretty much just an exposition scene with decent dialogue. My biggest complaint is that there really isn’t much more to it besides that. We don’t get much character building, just a setup for Jon meeting up with Dany in the next few episodes.

Also, can we just have the Perv from Bear Island die from greyscale already? Most worthless character in the book. He drags everything down with him.

Daenerys Comes Home:

I WAITED NINE YEARS FOR THIS MOMENT AND IT WAS EVERYTHING I WANTED AND MORE.

Okay, let’s be rational now. DnD made the absolute best decision to make scene without dialogue. Having Dany or Tyrion or anybody else speak would have had just TOLD us what she was feeling. But this was the moment that Dany has been working, struggling, bleeding towards, since we first meet here in Game of Thrones.

We needed to see the complex emotions on her. And Emilia sold the hell out of it.

Dragonstone was the ending of the Targaryen family, and it was where Daenerys began. She was born on Dragonstone while her family’s armada was torn apart by the most fierce storm Westeros had ever seen.

And when Daenerys finally sets her eyes on the throne that her family had sat on for centuries before Aegon the Conqueror and his sister-wives conquered Westeros, a seat she has bled for, dreamed of, been told stories about…she walks right past it and gets to work.

She is ready to rule, but Daenerys Targaryen has no delusions. She has a war to win,

Stellar scene.

[cheatsvbucks3547-blog]

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[artclusters]

edited to under 2500 words . italics and indentations in word...[keep reading]

Once upon a time in a kingdom, the peace was kept by the efforts of a noble hero. He fought off every monster, every creature and every danger that dared attack with his mighty sword and spirit. Not only was his fighting skill impeccable, but his looks; long sleek brown hair, a perfect beard, a strong fat physique, dark skin and a dashing smile. He was loved and known by all throughout the kingdom and beyond. That was, however, quite some years ago, for our hero vanished one day without a trace. What could have happened to our hero?

The birds are chirping, the sun is shining, the centaurs are galloping around, the fairies are working, the pixies are chatting….it sure is a good morning for our hero to….

"…Stay in bed!" Diyaa sighed and stared blankly at his cottage ceiling. He has retreated to an abandoned cottage in a beautiful, lively forest far from the kingdom since his mental health worsened. He can't even appreciate the scenery because he feels so empty. He thought back on his glory days. A happy, energetic, productive hero? Mingled with people? Didn’t have trouble getting out of bed? It all seems so absurd. He is but a mere husk of what he used to be. His rusty sword settled to rot in the spider-webbed corner. The puke-yellow walls, leaking roof and creaking door were breaking and decaying into pieces, repairs long overdue. His dusty armor and dirty clothes lay scattered on the floor. Crumpled maps and quest requests were strewn all around, longing to be picked up. The pantry was an indescribable mess.

Should he have asked for help? But how could he…he was a hero. Heroes don’t ask for help, they give it. He was someone people look up to. How can he show weakness?

I'll be fine….I'll be fine…it will pass…I'll be fine…I'm not fine.

A green pixie flew in from his broken window interrupting his daily self-hating ritual. They were slightly staggering from the weight of a flyer they carried in their little hands. "Hello Diyaa! I have a new quest for you!" they yelled.

Diyaa, irritated from their usual high energy (and envious) let out a reply "hey Char… you can…uhhh" he looked around to find if he designated a spot for quest flyers, but couldn’t find any. "Just put it on the floor…ill get to it"

"That’s what you always say! You're going to put this one off too? You're so lazy!"

"I'm not lazy, I'm depressed." He said firmly.

"You have to go on a quest again! Redeem your honor! Everyone in the kingdom says bad stuff about you…like you're a coward or you're ungrateful or you’ve abandoned your people…"

He already had his mind convincing him he's a bad person; he doesn’t need actual people badmouthing him. "They don’t know what I'm going through."

"There's a wizard who makes potions that can cure anything! You can cure your lazine- err…state?"

Diyaa was skeptical. Why bother. It's not like he hasn’t tried to ''get better'' before. Maybe this depression will last forever. Maybe this is just who he IS now. He gave them a defeated, uninterested look.

"Come on! I think this one's really interesting! It's dangerous too! You love danger! Nobody made it out alive from there!"

His face immediately lit up. "I'm going."  

"Wow, really?"

"Yes, I love high danger because I'm very likely to hurt myself lightly or severely or die and I absolutely deserve it!!" he said impulsively. Wow, I need to be kinder to myself.

Char gave him a concerned look. "Okay, here's the map with the guide."

"Please read what's written, I hate reading words. The letters keep jumping around and I get a headache."

"Okay. So there are three areas you need to go through. The first area is nearby, the forest of banshees. They say there are so many banshees wailing there that heroes went mad! After the forest, you'll arrive at a graveyard plagued with hordes of ghouls and the undead. No hero has ever succeeded in fighting them off alone. If you do get through the hordes of the undead, you'll reach the tunnel of eyes. It's where the basilisks and medusa's snakes lurk. If you meet anything's gaze there you'll either die or turn to stone AND after that you'll meet the wizard and get your healing potion!"

"I'd prefer if the potion was just…in a chest or something. I'd really hate to have to… talk to someone."

"So are you going to go? I want to see you be a hero again!!" they cheered.

"Yes……as soon as I get out of bed!"

Diyaa rolled himself off the bed and propped himself upright. He ruffled his short bedraggled hair and dragged himself to the waterfall and took a shower for the first time in a month. I've lost weight. He cut his beard carelessly with a dagger; he didn’t care about his appearance anyway but it was getting itchy. He drank his bi-weekly testosterone potion (delivered by his elf doctor), put on his enchanted pain-free chest binder, his heavy armor, his dirty boots and his tattered gauntlets. He couldn't find his helmet and didn’t bother looking. He sheathed his blunt sword and headed out for the first time in….ah, he lost count.

"Look whose finally out of his cottage" the fairies in the emerald grass teased.

He rolled his eyes. "Yes, thank you. Unfortunately, I'm still alive and I'm heading out-"

"Without breakfast?" piped a voice from the water. A mermaid popped out with a box and she reached her arms out. "Its sea serpent. Take it. You have to eat."

"Wow, haven’t killed a serpent in ages, thanks Mina. I forgot eating was a thing I have to do." he took the box. "Lured any sailors to their death today?" he joked.

"I'm a mermaid, not a siren, Diyaa. There's a difference."

"Right…I'm forgetting my lore."

"Anyway, enjoy your food! It's my wife's favorite! I can't wait to share this with her! Bye! Good luck!" she dived down.

Diyaa eyed the map and looked towards the forest, north of his cottage. I don’t have the energy for this. "Okay….I'm doing this..." he halfheartedly raised his arm in the air "to the forest of banshees…."

The darkness grew stronger as Diyaa ventured deeper into the forest. Anguished sobs echoed. Frail shadowy fingers loomed everywhere. They were grey and had a mouth for a face. They drifted around every branch, behind every tree and bobbed upwards, blocking the sky. The sobs grew stronger, turning into howls into wails into screams into grating shrieks. Diyaa reached for his sword but hesitated. He…wasn’t bothered by the noise. That’s strange….it just seemed so…normal. Like he's been through this before. Every day, in fact. My mind is worse than this. My racing thoughts. My suicidal thoughts. My anxious thoughts. My self-blaming thoughts. He could go on and on. My mind is always wailing. He looked with pity at the banshees. "You're going to have to try harder than this…this is nothing compared to the noise I hear every day."  Of course, the banshees didn’t comprehend what he said, their empty grey mouth gaping.

Diyaa laughed to himself as he walked forward without a care to the swarm of banshees. His mind was occupied with something else. "…that was embarrassing…what am I, a poet? Ugh I'm going to think about this for the next week….my mind is always wailing...embarrassing…"

The trees gradually disappeared as Diyaa approached the cemetery. The transition between the two areas was slow, dull and undistinguishable. It's as if they just blended together. Much like Diyaa's tiresome, monotonous days. He wondered why he felt so tired even though he didn’t fight anything . Of course he knew the answer; it's just the depression sucking the life out of him.

The wailing subsided, but could still be faintly heard, like a nagging anxious thought. The ugly groans of the undead took over. Diyaa drew his sword. Suicidal thoughts stirred in his head. Yes, I'd love to, but being eaten is painful. I'd rather not go through that. He moved forward slowly in circles, waiting for hordes of the ghouls and the undead to approach him. He remembered the time where he heroically fought off hordes of goblins at the kingdom borders. Who was I before being depressed, he thought. It was a familiar question to him without an answer. He kept shuffling forwards, feeling confused. At least ONE undead had to have noticed him by now! Why are they not attacking? Come here and eat me! Kill me! Do it! Diyaa, his anger fizzling out, relaxed his pose and looked around. Fog consumed the graveyard. Countless undead staggered around aimlessly with empty hollow eyes, staring at nothing. Some had their arms sloppily stretched ahead, grabbing at thin air. Some stumbled and fell, not even bothering to get up but continued to groan as they weakly hauled themselves forward, to nowhere in particular. They stared at him blankly and carelessly bumped into him as they continued moaning and dragging themselves to pointless destinations. Diyaa put away his sword. He didn’t know why but he felt like crying but that emotion quickly slipped away and he felt empty again. I guess we're not very different…. We're both pretty much dead, huh? Suddenly, he felt very stupid as to why he was out there in the first place. He should’ve stayed in bed. Stupid stupid stupid….stop it stop it stop it stop it shhhhhhh…..we're going to the tunnel, to the tunnel, to the tunnel…he kept repeating that phrase like a protective chant to distract his negative thoughts. He wandered through the vast graveyard unharmed. His presence didn’t matter to the undead; he was one of their own.

Diyaa reached a large gravestone marked with a bloody eye symbol, with a stairway leading deep below. This must be the tunnel of eyes. Wow, aren’t you a genius. No you're not. You're so dumb. As Diyaa went down it was if he was entering his own grave. Hisses resounded repeatedly through the tunnel. The darkness was illuminated by the glow of countless eyes, snakes crawling on the ground and basilisks hanging to the ceiling.  If he met just one of those eyes….it's over. He can't close his eyes either; it won't be good if he bumps into a basilisk or trip on a snake. Or would it? That will hurt wouldn’t it? Diyaa couldn’t help but laugh as he moved forward. "All the Basilisks and Medusas in the land cant harm me for I am….a master at avoiding eye contact due to my severely low self-esteem and anxiety!" he waved the sword randomly in the air slashing away snakes. "I can literally never meet your gaze! Try as you might!" pathetic. His eyes darted left and right, up and down, avoiding all the countless luminous eyes surrounding him. He felt intensely angry as he felt more and more unfriendly gazes, reminding him of being in public. The kingdom market place was the worst. A nightmare. He hasn’t been there in a long time. They got nothing to do with me, they're not talking about me; but his brain would always convince him otherwise. They're watching, the whole worlds watching and laughing at you and judging you…and as he stood there shaking and breathing heavily, more people surrounded him, looking down on him with concerned looks. Don’t look at me like that. Don’t look!!! His heart raced as he struggled to forget about the memory. "I'll never meet your eyes!!" he yelled to distract himself.  

In the distance, Diyaa could see the stairs leading upwards. Freedom! No more eyes! Diyaa hopped up the steps, tripping on the last step and landing face first on hard rubble ground. He didn’t even bother to protect his face. He didn’t feel like getting up. He wanted to lay there for a bit. Hours. Days. Years maybe. You didn’t even do anything. Heroes died on this quest and you did it so easy. You don’t deserve this. You didn’t suffer enough.

"Ah hello I wasn’t expecting customers!" said a quizzical voice.

Diyaa bolted upright and drew his sword. His anxiety was in full throttle now. Deep breaths. A dark-skinned wizard with a wagon stood in front of him. He wore a glimmering blue strap dress with silver stars on it. His hat was huge, same pattern as the dress. His long silver hair suffocated underneath, popping out the sides and down his face concealing most of it, except for one brown eye with blue-painted lids. His high boots clacked as he approached Diyaa. "My name is Basel. I make healing potions."

"Are you the wizard?" of course he is, you dummy.

Well, that’s the part where you get your item you so hardly fought for. Diyaa was….underwhelmed. He had hoped this quest would be his big break. Something to bring his passion back. Make him happy again. Fulfilled. But all he felt was emptiness. What did you expect? You're never going to get better.

"Wizard…I want something to….help me? I feel sad and empty like…all the time? But also my mood changes very rapidly and I think awful thoughts? I can't do or enjoy things anymore? And I want to get better?" what are you doing over-sharing you dolt?

"I have a potion that will help you get better, but it won't change you overnight."

"But… it's supposed to be magical''

"Yeah, it's magic, not an impossible miracle. You can't rush this. You have to give yourself time to heal." He took out a red bubbly potion with his painted hands. "Take this once a day. When you finish the bottle it regenerates. Keep taking it."

"...every day?"

"Yes. There's no shame. You need it. It's like being wounded by a dragon. This isn't something you can recover from by ignoring it. You need proper treatment for it."

"Okay." Yea, don’t blame yourself for something you can't control. People who tell you to get over it are wrong. People who tell you you're weak are wrong. You're not exaggerating. You need help. "Can I stay here for a bit? I'm tired, but I feel a bit better."

He smiled, "Sure, just tell me when you're ready, I'll teleport you back. Not much customers here, anyway."

He blushed and awkwardly lay down, putting the potion carefully in his pocket. The potion looks cool the wizard looks cute too I'd like to see him again I'd like him to serenade me ah I'd like to get home and talk to Char they'll be very happy, I did a quest Char I'm a good person I forgot to eat my sea serpent ill eat it when I get up probably wow maybe I should’ve been a wizard instead of a hero…Soon, his thoughts died down and he drifted away to a good sleep, the best sleep he'd had in ages.

[artclusters]

A short fantasy story I wrote in 2017, that won first place in my college.

I was confined to a 2500 word limit, so I feel it can come across as having a rushed pacing, nonetheless, I still enjoy it.

Mental illness themes, LGBT characters

Heading out

Once upon a time in a kingdom, the peace was kept by the efforts of a noble hero. He fought off every monster, every creature and every danger that dared attack with his mighty sword and spirit. Not only was his fighting skill impeccable, but his looks as well: long sleek brown hair, a perfect beard, a strong fat physique, dark skin, and a dashing smile. He was loved and known by all throughout the kingdom and beyond. That was, however, quite some years ago, for our hero vanished one day without a trace. What could have happened to our hero?

The birds are chirping, the sun is shining, the centaurs are galloping around, the fairies are working, the pixies are chatting…it sure is a good morning for our hero to…

"…Stay in bed!" Azmi sighed and stared blankly at his cottage ceiling. He has retreated to an abandoned cottage in a beautiful, lively forest far from the kingdom since his mental health worsened. He can't even appreciate the scenery because he feels so empty. He thought back on his glory days. A happy, energetic, productive hero? Mingled with people? Didn’t have trouble getting out of bed? It all seems so absurd. He is but a mere husk of what he used to be. His rusty sword settled to rot in the spider-webbed corner. The puke-yellow walls, leaking roof and creaking door were breaking and decaying into pieces, repairs long overdue. His dusty armor and dirty clothes lay scattered on the floor. Crumpled maps and quest requests were strewn all around, longing to be picked up. The pantry was an indescribable mess.

Should he have asked for help? But how could he…he was a hero. Heroes don’t ask for help, they give it. He was someone people look up to. How can he show weakness?

I'll be fine….I'll be fine…it will pass…I'll be fine…I'm not fine.

A green pixie flew in from his broken window interrupting his daily self-hating ritual. They were slightly staggering from the weight of a flyer they carried in their little hands. "Hello Azmi! I have a new quest for you!" they yelled.

Azmi, irritated (and baffled) from their usual high energy let out a reply, "Hey Char… you can…uhhh," he looked around to find if he designated a spot for quest flyers but couldn’t find any. "Just put it on the floor…I’ll get to it"

"That’s what you always say! You're going to put this one off too? You're so lazy!"

"I'm not lazy, I'm depressed." He said firmly.

"You have to go on a quest again! Redeem your honor! Everyone in the kingdom says bad stuff about you…like you're a coward or you're ungrateful or you’ve abandoned your people…"

He already had his mind convincing him he's a bad person; he doesn’t need actual people badmouthing him. "They don’t know what I'm going through."

"There's a wizard who makes potions that can cure anything! You can cure your lazine- err…state?"

Azmi was skeptical. Why bother. It's not like he hasn’t tried to ''get better'' before. Maybe this depression will last forever. Maybe this is just who he IS now. He gave them a defeated, uninterested look.

"Come on! I think this one's really exciting! It's dangerous too! You love danger! Nobody made it out alive from there!"

His face immediately lit up. "I'm going." 

"Wow, really?"

"Yes, I love high danger because I'm very likely to hurt myself lightly or severely or die and I absolutely deserve it!!" he said impulsively. Wow, I need to be kinder to myself.

Char gave him a concerned look. "Okay, here's the map with the guide."

"Can you please read what's written, I hate reading words you know…the letters keep jumping around and I get a headache."

"Okay. So, there are three areas you need to go through. The first area is nearby, the forest of banshees. They say there are so many banshees wailing there that heroes went mad! After the forest, you'll arrive at a graveyard plagued with hordes of ghouls and the undead. No hero has ever succeeded in fighting them off alone. If you do get through the hordes of the undead, you'll reach the tunnel of eyes. It's where the basilisks and medusa's snakes lurk. If you meet anything's gaze there, you'll either die or turn to stone AND after that you'll meet the wizard and get your healing potion!"

"I'd prefer if the potion was just…in a chest or something. I'd really hate to have to… talk to someone."

"So, are you going to go? I want to see you be a hero again!" they cheered.

"Yes…as soon as I get out of bed!"

Azmi rolled himself off the bed and propped himself upright. He ruffled his short-bedraggled hair and dragged himself to the waterfall and took a shower for the first time in a month. I've lost weight. He cut his itchy beard carelessly with a dagger, hurting himself. Ah, what's another scar? I can't tell whether they're from fighting monsters or if they're self-inflicted. He drank his bi-weekly testosterone potion (delivered by his elf doctor), put on his enchanted pain-free chest binder, his light dull armor, his dirty boots and his tattered gauntlets. He couldn't find his helmet and didn’t bother looking. Maybe you'll bash your skull today. He sheathed his blunt sword and headed out for the first time in...ah, he lost count.

"Look whose finally out of his cottage" the fairies in the emerald grass teased.

He rolled his eyes. "Yes, thank you. Unfortunately, I'm still alive and I'm heading out-"

"Without breakfast?" piped a voice from the water. A mermaid popped out with a box and she reached her arms out. "Its sea serpent. Take it. You have to eat."

Why do they even bother taking care of you? "Wow, haven’t killed a serpent in ages, thanks Mina. I forgot eating was a thing I have to do." he took the box. "Lured anybody to their death today?" he joked.

"I'm a mermaid, not a siren, Azmi. There's a difference."

"Right…I'm forgetting my lore." Stupid Stupid Stupid. Was that a pathetic attempt at a joke? Stupid.

"Anyway, enjoy your food! It's my wife's favorite! I can't wait to share this with her! Bye! Good luck!" she said and dived down.

Azmi eyed the map and looked towards the forest, north of his cottage. I don’t have the energy for this. "Okay….I'm doing this..." he halfheartedly raised his arm in the air "to the forest of banshees…."

The darkness grew stronger as Azmi ventured deeper into the forest. Anguished sobs echoed. Frail shadowy fingers loomed everywhere. They were grey and had a mouth for a face. They drifted around every branch, behind every tree and bobbed upwards, blocking the sky. The sobs grew stronger, turning into howls into wails into screams into grating shrieks. Azmi reached for his sword but hesitated. He…wasn’t bothered by the noise. It just seemed so…normal. Like he's been through this before. Every day, in fact. My mind is worse than this. My racing thoughts. My suicidal thoughts. My anxious thoughts. My self-blaming thoughts. He could go on and on. My mind is always wailing. He looked with pity at the banshees. "You're going to have to try harder than this…this is nothing compared to the noise I hear every day."  Of course, the banshees didn’t comprehend what he said, their empty grey mouth gaping. Azmi muttered to himself as he advanced without a care to the swarm of banshees. His mind was occupied with something else. "…that was embarrassing…what am I, a poet? Ugh I'm going to think about this for the next week….my mind is always wailing...embarrassing…"

The trees gradually disappeared as Azmi approached the cemetery. The transition between the two areas was slow, dull and undistinguishable. It's as if they just blended together. Much like Azmi's tiresome, monotonous days. He wondered why he felt so tired even though he didn’t fight anything. Of course, he knew the answer; it's just the depression sucking the life out of him.

The wailing subsided, but could still be faintly heard, like a nagging anxious thought. The ugly groans of the undead took over. Azmi drew his sword. Suicidal thoughts stirred in his head. Yes, I'd love to, but being eaten is painful. I'd rather not go through that. He moved forward slowly in circles, waiting for hordes of the ghouls and the undead to approach him. He vaguely remembered the time where he heroically fought off hordes of goblins at the kingdom borders. Who was I before being depressed? It was a familiar question to him without an answer. He kept shuffling forwards, feeling confused. At least ONE undead had to have noticed him by now! Why are they not attacking? Come here and eat me! Kill me! Do it! Azmi, his anger fizzling out, relaxed his stance and looked around. Fog consumed the graveyard. Countless undead staggered around aimlessly with empty hollow eyes, staring at nothing. Some had their arms sloppily stretched ahead, grabbing at thin air. Some stumbled and fell, not even bothering to get up but continued to groan as they weakly hauled themselves forward, to nowhere in particular. They stared at him blankly and carelessly bumped into him as they continued moaning and dragging themselves to pointless destinations. Azmi put away his sword. He didn’t know why but he felt like crying but that emotion quickly slipped away, and he felt empty again. I guess we're not very different…. We're both pretty much dead, huh? Suddenly, he felt very stupid as to why he was out there in the first place. He should’ve stayed in bed. Stupid stupid stupid….stop it stop it stop it stop it shhhhhhh…..we're going to the tunnel, to the tunnel, to the tunnel…he kept repeating that phrase like a protective chant to distract his negative thoughts. He wandered through the vast graveyard unharmed. His presence didn’t matter to the undead; he was one of their own.

Azmi reached a large gravestone marked with a bloody eye symbol, with a stairway leading deep below. This must be the tunnel of eyes. Wow, aren’t you a genius. No you're not. You're so dumb. As Azmi plunged down it was as if he was entering his own grave. Menacing hisses resounded repeatedly through the tunnel. The darkness was illuminated by the glow of countless eyes, snakes crawling on the ground and basilisks hanging to the ceiling.  If he met just one of those eyes….it's over. He can't close his eyes either; it won't be good if he bumps into a basilisk or trip on a snake. Or would it? That will hurt wouldn’t it? Azmi couldn’t help but chuckle as they tried to capture his gaze. "All the Basilisks and Medusas in the land cant harm me for I am….a master at avoiding eye contact due to my severely low self-esteem and anxiety!" he waved the sword randomly slashing away snakes. "I can literally never meet your gaze! Try as you might!" Pathetic. His eyes darted left and right, up and down, avoiding all the countless luminous eyes surrounding him. He felt intensely angry as he felt more and more unfriendly gazes, reminding him of being in public. The kingdom marketplace was the worst. A nightmare. He hasn’t been there in a long time. They got nothing to do with me, they're not talking about me; but his brain would always convince him otherwise. They're watching, the whole worlds watching and laughing at you and judging you…and as he stood there shaking and breathing heavily, more people surrounded him, looking down on him with concerned looks. Don’t look at me like that. Don’t look!!! His heart raced as he struggled to forget about the memory. "I'll never meet your eyes!!" he yelled to distract himself. 

In the distance, Azmi could see a light- the stairs leading upwards. Freedom! No more eyes! Azmi hopped up the steps, tripping on the last step and landing face first on hard rubble ground. He didn’t even bother to protect his face. He didn’t feel like getting up. He wanted to lay there for a bit. Hours. Days. Years maybe. You didn’t even do anything. Heroes died on this quest and you did it so easy. You don’t deserve this. You didn’t suffer enough.

"Hey, you okay?" asked a concerned voice.

Azmi bolted upright and drew his sword. Strange, he didn’t even feel a presence. It seemed like he arrived in a small village. Deep breaths. A dark-skinned wizard with a huge floating wagon stood in front of him. He wore a glimmering blue strap dress with silver stars on it. His hat was enormous, same pattern as the dress. His long silver hair suffocated underneath, popping out the sides and down his shoulders. He had blue lips and blue eyes with silver-painted lids. His knee-high blue boots clacked softly as he approached Azmi.

 "Are you the wizard?" of course he is, you dummy.

"My name is Ghali. My specialty is magical potions." His voice was sweet.

Well, that’s the part where you get your item you so hardly fought for. Azmi was…. underwhelmed. He had hoped this quest would be his big break. Something to bring his passion back. Make him happy again. Fulfilled. But all he felt was emptiness. What did you expect? You're never going to get better.

"Wizard- Ghali - I want something to….help me? I feel sad and empty…all the time? But also my mood changes very rapidly and I think awful thoughts? I can't do or enjoy things anymore? And I want to get better?" What are you doing over-sharing you dolt?

"I have a potion that will help you get better, but it won't work overnight."

"But… you said it was magical''

"Yeah, it's magic, not an impossible miracle. You can't rush this. You have to give yourself time to heal." He took out a calm-green bubbly potion with his painted hands. "Take this once a day. When you finish the bottle, it regenerates. Keep taking it."

"...Every day?" What, no blue potion?

"Yes. There's no shame. You need it. It's like being wounded by a dragon. This isn't something you can recover from by ignoring it. You need proper treatment for it."

"…Okay." Yea, don’t blame yourself for something you can't control. People who tell you to get over it are wrong. People who tell you you're weak are wrong. You're not exaggerating. You need help. "Can I stay here for a bit? I'm tired, but I feel a bit better."

He smiled, "Sure." He waved his long arms and turned the ground into soft grass. "Just tell me when you're ready, I'll teleport you back."

Azmi blushed and awkwardly lay down, putting the potion carefully in his pocket. Wow that’s lush grass the wizard looks very cute too I'd really like to see him again I'd like him to serenade me ah I'd like to get home and talk to Char they'll be very happy, I did a quest Char I'm a good person I forgot to eat my sea serpent I'll eat it when I get up probably wow maybe I should’ve been a wizard instead of a hero…Soon, his thoughts died down and he drifted away to a good sleep, the best sleep he'd had in ages.