#if only I'd known from the beginning that nobody would ever connect me and my systems! I'd be exploiting the shit out of it--

[ereborne]

What is a Monday? A miserable little pile of obligations.

semester turnover restructure

generate/send out error reporting

figure out how to separate out unique counts

create polite reply to Massive Dick Move email

finish the bad book >:(

bò kho (not an obligation. dinner)

laundry

lizard bath

[eazy-peazy54]

My problem with the Will Wood fandom, (a.k.a touch grass, a.k.a stan culture can suck it) (an essay.)

This one is LONG and a DOOZY, so buckle up if you like to read.

just want to clarify, i do NOT hate the will wood fandom in itself. AT ALL. I love you guys (/p)

i just dislike the people who say weird and creepy shit. if that doesnt apply to you, cool! but tell the people who do that shit to knock it off.

NO DISCOURSE IN THE REBLOGS I WILL ATTACK YOU

One HUGE gripe I have with the Will Wood fandom is how some of you guys treat Will Wood like (and this is literally the only way I can put this that isn't too serious) some all-powerful deity of knowledge that you would kill AND die for. In this essay, I will explain why [some of] you are fucking creeps.

Will Wood. Where do I begin. For the very few who are unaware, Will Wood is a singer-songwriter who makes very strange avant garde whatchamacallit evil jazz/swing music. He has been known as Will Wood since 2015, where he released his first album, Everything Is A Lot, under the name Will Wood and the Tapeworms.

Me personally, I first heard of him from the song Dr. Sunshine Is Dead, from the good old days of 2018 animation meme Youtube.

Ever since the inevitable Tiktokification of the song I / Me / Myself, from The Normal Album, the Will Wood fandom has become... well.. full of children. I have no place to speak, of course, because I myself, am a teenager, but I'm talking like. 11-14 year olds.

11-14 year olds who are all fucking INSANE.

Will Wood has been put in what I like to call;

The Holy Trinity.

This being the big three artists who the mentally ill queers (like me) listen to.

Lemon Demon, Tally Hall, and of course, Will Wood.

Being in this holy trinity has both done him good, and bad. On the positive side, yay!! More streams, more plays, more people to appreciate the craft, and more people who like the music! On the negative side, now you have an army of children listening to adult music, interacting with adult music and music videos, who are willing to do ANYTHING to get your attention, because they are young and don't know much better.

And here, stuck in the middle of it all, is poor William.

Stuck as a straight "gay icon," in a sea of twelve year olds.

Well shit.

---

Leading to the second part of my half-essay.

2020. The year shit changed for Will Wood. The Normal Album was released, and people found themselves relating to I / Me / Myself, as stated before. Then this "new," unheard of fandom was kind of birthed upon Tiktok. They were treating him like fucking jesus.

Which is weird.

They were sad, gay, looking for answers, and found them in Will's music. Which is like. Cool!

But when people were saying that he was trans, and then switched up and said he was making fun of trans people?

Yeah. Not that cool actually.

Coming back to the present now, Will has stated how weird these kids are.

In a response from a AMA for In Case I Make It on the official Will Wood subreddit, (I know. Ew, gross, Reddit, but this post was what inspired me to make this in the first place, so,) Will says this:

---

"When I was living in the sticks along the Delaware during the pandemic, I had this weird sort of mystical thing going on inside my head that was trying connect dots in my life and turn meaningless nothing things into signs that I would die.

This was happening around the same time I was dealing with getting actual public attention for the first time, and was living in an area where nobody wore masks, and was living with people who were at risk of serious covid complications if they caught it. Also for most of it I was the dreaded 27, and having been a bit of a junkie in my younger years and an idiot with a barely-treated psychiatric wreck in my brain for most of the ones following it, it was not unlike me to assume I'd die young.

It just seemed too perfect.

As I was dealing with the reception of the normal album (my first truly scathing reviews, I/Me/Myself "discourse," being the subject of conversation on a larger scale) which was beyond what I was prepared for psychologically in terms of its scope and type, my anxious rumination started to veer toward genuine paranoia.

I started thinking that I would die by my own hand or be murdered by one of these crazed Will Wood fans in the dead of night. So I didn't sleep like ever, I lost a bunch of weight and couldn't gain it back for a while, I freaked out a whole bunch and I'm surprised looking back I never lost my sobriety or whatever.

Since it started to look more and more like cosmic fact that I was doomed, I started to feel greater and greater desperation to get out these songs that I had been quietly writing over the previous year or two. Songs I'd written while going through a big breakup and wrestling with rotten parts of me that were finally accessible due to my finally being properly medicated and dealing with the real shit in therapy. And then songs I'd written as I went through these changes."

---

Obviously that is a lot to unpack for a Tumblr essay, but since you’re this far, you probably read it all already.

“Stans,” as most would call them, and “Stan Culture” as a whole, is just a huge wreck. Everyone is always fighting someone. We know this. We all do. Stans scare artists. 

I want you to think. Think of the artists who are inspired by Will Wood. The ones who want to cater out their music to the Will Wood fans. Imagine if you will, those artists seeing that AMA post, seeing the crazed fans, seeing the relentless sexualization, the jokes about serious issues, like Will’s past drug use, seeing all of this and thinking:

“Is it really worth it?

Is it really worth all of this to make music and put myself out there?”

Now, that may make you uncomfortable, but it's the honest truth. And it's happened to so many people, and so many artists. 

---

And now a message to the disgraced kids who managed to latch on to Will Wood’s music.

Treating a musical artist like a god is not gonna help anyone. I’d know. I’ve seen it happen multiple times, to multiple artists. 

I guess what I’m trying to say is think before posting on the internet. Think to yourself; would I say this to the artist's face? Could someone see this and think differently of me? Is this just weird to say in general?

Remember that these people are real people. Will Wood is a real person. With real thoughts. real feelings. a life to live. He's not just some music making machine. He’s not just some silly character. He’s not just some whimsical guy who we can all project onto.

Will Wood is a real person, and everyone should treat him that way. 

Thank you for reading.

(I will edit this essay if I think of anything else to add. That or I'll just reblog it.)

[no-white-dress]

If you were to rewrite Winx, how would you write it?

Oh this is gonna be long.

Ok let's start from the premise that I actually like winx the way it is for a big chunk. Yes up to freaking s8. Although s7 deserves hell and nothing more.

So with that in mind:

Season 1-2

I would actually insert foreshadowing to the trix's backstory since the beginning. Some moment of banter between Darcy and Stormy and Icy not having the context for it to make it clear right off the bat that no, they have not known each other their whole lives.

I'd flesh out the magic system more, in a way that it is clear that yes, Alfea and Cloudtower have historical rivalry but mostly because it is convenient for both schools (beefing with the other school's students offers more opportunities to gain charmix/gloomix, plus there's the institutional events like the Magic Tournament where the winning school gets funding -I've been telling y'all the comics have good stuff-).

Season 3

Also Tecna is a princess but not in the way Stella or Aisha are because Zenith is an elective monarchy so she's only princess until the next elections.

Stella learns to live with the fact her parents are divorced and with the fact that Luna has a new boyfriend and she doesn't hate him. As per comic canon.

The only thing I'd change would be whatever is up with the timeline. It needs more clarity regarding when Domino fell, how old are Valtor, the Company of Light and the Ancestral Witches, and their connection with Darkar. The fact people seem to not know much about what happened with Domino is perfectly fine and realistic though (if you think otherwise, tell me what you were taught in history class about stuff that happened the decade you were born. Yeah, not much, right?).

Also that finale needs to be more climatic or have an explaination for Valtor's sudden weakness cough cough read my fanfic cough cough.

Still, I would add some comic plotlines like Musa helping an old musician elaborate the loss of his wife by allowing him to meet her ghost (with Daphne's help), giving closure to her own grief as well (extra points if it happens after the Water Stars trial because she would know it's what he needs because hearing her mom say she was proud of her did so much for her). You know, stuff that gives space to the neglected girls.

The whole royal family of underwater Andros is present, but it is a queendom. The king consort and the princes were away on some diplomatic trip when Valtor attacked, but they are shown in later episodes (Tecna enchantix episode).

Season 4

Sotlk and Magical Adventure go back to back after season 3. Nobody is whitewashed. That isn’t about writing but idc.

Oh boy...

1) Less relationship drama. Nobody needed that. Nobody liked that. Kill it with fire. Yes to questioning the status quo though. Rivusa break up? Maybe. Sky and Bloom learning to confide in each other instead of not communicating and causing arguments as a consequence? PLEASE.

2) No winx teachers. Unpopular opinion, but the ladies should have some other excuse to be in Alfea to start the action. Some higher level course, an apprenticeship of sorts, anyting but teaching. I don't want 18 year olds who were barely ever in class the previous year to teach.

3) Clarity about the Roxy being Morgana's daughter situation. Morgana has time travel powers and ran to the future, had Roxy, then went back to the past and got captured. Also clarity about why there's no witches or wizards on Earth either.

4) There would be episodes where the girls have some business to attend to in Magix with, again, some comic plots. This could work splitting the episode between the Earth plot and the Magix subplot. Examples include but aren't limited to: the Shaab stone comics (yes moved from s2 to s4 because s2 is already packed), the Andros pirates+alien lizard problem comics, the Zenith's inhabited satellite is about to be hit by a comet comic, the Stella gets kidnapped by shadow creatures from another universe comic.

5) Nabu sacrifices himself and it is clearer that he's in a coma and not dead.

Season 5

6) Ah, Bloom didn't forget her aura reading powers that are super useful to search for a magical person among thousands of non-magical people, she just really hates using them because they're a privacy breach and she only does it in dangerous situations or when they have a strong lead.

1) The trix are in Andros, and it is stated they have been there since the Havram/movie 2 events. They are clearly traumatized by the possession and nobody gave them a therapist. This time Roccaluce would've been the right place for them but alas...

2) Icy's trauma manifests in latching onto this idiot prince in the cell next to theirs because he reminds her of Valtor. They meet the same way, he does a similar monster thing, but he doesn't slam her against a wall when she breathes wrong, which is nice.

3) Roxy goes to Alfea! Yay! But Roxy feels so out of place because the winx are miles ahead of her in magic and life in general alike, while Roxy is a newbie to that world and has very confused ideas about her future. Cue to an extensive arc about Roxy learning that it is ok to do things at her own pace and that she can have more than one friend group (the winx and her classmates) because she has things in common with different groups of people.

4) Harmonix doesn't exist because the girls can swim and use magic underwater in base form/charmix AND enchantix, as per canon.

5) The sirenix curse, that hot mess. Ok so Daphne is dead dead. She did not have sirenix. Politea did. Cue to more lore about the fall of Domino and how part of the plan to prevent it failed badly with Politea getting cursed and disappearing.

6) The season is centered about the struggles of Aisha and Roxy. Bloom, Stella and Tecna are also closely involved with the plot due to their role as princesses, but have struggles that don't compete with having half your family turned into a monster army while your boyfriend is in a coma or adapting to a whole new world. For example, Bloom proves herself politically competent to both her and Sky's parents, Tecna talks her planet out of isolationism, Stella helps both.

7) The Sirenix wishes change. Less manipulating people into changing their behavior and more actual action. Obviously Nabu is healed with a wish (maybe not Aisha's? Maybe by the wish of one of her friends because they want their friend to be well again? Just saying. Everybody cried for Nabu, Aisha is not the only one who would care about him!). I have no ideas for the others but it's the kind of thing that only comes up if I sit down and write the whole thing for me and I sure as hell won't do that.

8) Tritannus gets high on Throne power and tries to kill Icy as per canon, but the Trix don't flee. They are captured and after the battle the winx see how absolutely shattered Icy is and decide to hold out a hand to them (some of them are reluctant cuz it bit them in the ass with the Black Circle). Yes same as my fanfic but one season earlier: the winx talk Roccaluce into giving the trix a proper trial.

Season 6

1) Picking up from the trial, there's a few episodes focused on that as well as some arguments between the winx because as I said they weren't all 100% on board with that. Everyone is shocked when Icy says whatever the official lie about her origins was and the magic lie detector goes ham. Icy gives in and says she's a survivor of Dyamond. Cue to the mystery of this second Domino that the Magic Dimension doesn't talk about cuz it's even more embarrassing than what happened in Domino after all planets went on with slogans like "never again will we see something like on Domino now that the Ancestral Witches and Valtor are vanquished".

I put too much thought and time into this for something I'll never do so have a quick list of things this season would deal with:

- If you know me you know I am a sucker for redemption arcs and the trix will have one in this universe too.

- This season's theme would be change and adapting to change. Most obvious with the winx and the trix having to interact with each other in a new way, but also for Earth, where magic is spreading (again, comic plots of people discovering their powers and messing up big time in more than one way)

- Selina would be the main villain, but she'd be from either Linphea or Melody for the sake of linearity. Not sure what her goals may be but there could be a situation where she tries to recruit people from Earth who developed powers, thus crossing the winx's path

- There'd be more of the adulting we were supposed to get after season 4, with the winx taking steps towards what they want their life to be. Musa would focus on her musical career, Flora would decide she wants to focus on her role of guardian fairy, Tecna would have a series of technomagic projects rejected by companies and she'd decide to start her own company (with Timmy), Bloom would take on a more active role as a princess and help with Domino's reconstruction, Stella would officially start her fashion line and use her platform to bring attention to the problems she's entangled in (e.g. oh this awesome linen that can only be imported from  Earth? Such a pity that Roccaluce won't recognize Earth as part of the Magic Dimension thus actively making commerce impossible), Aisha would focus on her role as guardian fairy as well as just enjoying her second chance with Nabu (she deserves it ok?)

- Roxy gets enchantix at some point

This took me way more than it should have lol I hope you enjoy the read!!

[iliveforyouilongforyouvesuvia]

Hey, how are you doing? How was coming back to work?

If I can be curious, let me ask you this super hard (or maybe simple, it depends), question: who's your favorite character and why? Also, which one do you find the most easy to understand/write?

Have a nice day my friend, cheers 😊

@dolceaspidenera hi! I'm so happy to hear from you! ^.^

And ooh, those are good questions. I won't answer them completely, but I will give you honest answers ^.^ I apologize in advance for what turned into a character analysis mini-essay XD

I do have a favorite character of the M6, but I prefer not to write like it on this blog. I think it's awesome when fan creators focus on their favorite characters - it means that everything they make is done out of love! - and it's almost something you'd expect in a dating sim fandom when you have to choose one specific character to experience most of the story with. I initially chose not to do that just because I genuinely enjoy writing for connections with all of the M6, even if there's very few that I would want a specifically romantic connection with. Every single one of them are characters that I'd be happy to get to know, as a lover, or an honorary sibling, or a close friend.

The longer I write like that, the happier I am that I do. It means I've explored aspects of the world of the Arcana that I wouldn't have initially been invested in, but that have contributed so much to the story! It also means that I get to chat with people who have so many different perspectives on the game because of their own preferences, and I've learned a lot from them!

As to who is more or less easy to write - that changes based on the prompt. For example, prompts that reference pre-prologue Vesuvia are a lot harder to write with Portia, simply because she didn't arrive there until after Lucio's "death" and because the game doesn't really delve into the life she's had there since. And the hardest prompts for me to write in general are for MC with specific familiars, only because those are characters I haven't read about XD

There are also themes I wish I could explore more, sometimes, for all the M6, but doing so would require so much speculation that it would be hard to keep the headcanons feeling "canon." Julian's life before Vesuvia, for example - he's been knocking all around the world since his teens, and of the two or so decades that that comprises, he's only spent a few years of that in Vesuvia. He glamorizes his adventures when he talks about them, but nobody in their late teens acts as a medic on a battlefield for their apprenticeship without taking away some kind of baggage. When does he break down without dramatics or smokescreens? When does he learn to talk about a painful past without trying to redirect his hurt into drama? When does he learn the healthy kind of selfishness that lets him be completely honest?

Asra's so emotionally private it's hard to get a read on them sometimes. We know they're deeply in love with MC and that that's been a shaping influence on them for the last nine years - but what else? There's so much about him that aches to be known, which he frequently tells MC in his route, but he still treats his relationship with them like it's fragile and new. What happens when things are more settled and they know MC isn't at constant risk of falling apart? Did they ever feel betrayed by MC for not leaving Vesuvia with them? Did they ever feel resentful of MC for causing that much relational pain, or at the very least, for holding them in a full-time caregiving role for three years? When does he learn to depend on them to the point of exposing them to his own ugly thoughts and feelings?

Nadia, for all of her capacity, is still very emotionally young. She's just beginning to process her feelings regarding her own family, which stem from her childhood and were never addressed directly until they were invited to the Masquerade. She has a deep-seated lack of faith in her own strengths, which MC has had the chance to help her overcome, but that attitude has been affecting her perception of other people's opinions of her for most of her life. At what point does she learn how to interpret someone's concern for her as something other than belittlement? At what point does she learn how to recognize and apologize for her own mistakes in a relationship without experiencing it as self-rejection? At what point does she learn to recognize someone else's strength without comparing it to her own and feeling challenged if she doesn't measure up?

Muriel's especially hard to predict physically. He has a whole host of reasons to feel the way he does about his body in relation to himself and others. It could be easy to say that, as he heals in his relationship with MC, he learns to enjoy and seek out physical pleasure as he overcomes trauma (in multiple ways, like food, and comfort, and intimacy). But when it does come to physical intimacy, Muriel is so easily read as demi/asexual that his interest in that aspect of a relationship doesn't really act as a good benchmark for healing. Maybe his aversion to touch is only trauma-related, and underneath that gruffness is a pent-up, touch-starved lover. Maybe he stays consistently disinterested in that kind of physical pleasure, simply because that's the way he is - and there is nothing wrong with that. But we don't know how that progresses.

So much of Portia's life is missing. We don't know much of what her life was like before she came to Vesuvia after Lucio's "death", and we honestly don't know much of what it was like after. We know that she's friends with all the palace employees and that she has a close connection with Nadia, and that's it. It's hard to know how she fits into a post-canon community because she remains so detached from the other M5 throughout her story. Most of what we know of her life with MC afterwards is that she spends a lot of it on a ship. She's the kind of person who thrives in building and maintaining community, and yet we have so few clues about what that looks like. Does she become like family with the sailors, assuming that the ship keeps the same crew? Does her new status give her a peer-based relationship with Nadia? Does she try to keep Julian in her life, or do they drift apart again? Does she eventually create a new home base in a different country?

And, well, I've already a written a whole character analysis of Lucio. We know that he's determined to become an honest man, but we don't know how that plays out. Does he get tired? Does he find a stopping point at "morally gray"? Does he stick it out and become one of the most emotionally healthy characters? Does he ever settle down somewhere else and build a life there? Does he stay in touch, or reconnect with anyone from Vesuvia and build a new friendship with them?

Anyways, those are some of the rabbit trails I let my brain loose on sometimes, and those are a lot of the character aspects I have a harder time writing for because it's so open-ended. Maybe another creator will read this and have answers I don't yet XD

Thanks for your questions, friend, I hope you don't mind my mini-essay!

brainrot

[forcebewitht]

Force's Disney Geek Master Theory: Why Twisted Wonderland Is Called Twisted Wonderland

We have all grown to know and love various Disney characters over the years, correct? Yet, I believe a lot of us can argue that not many characters have the same effect on us even as adults today as the Villains do within their respective movies. In the game Disney: Twisted Wonderland as we all know and love, the select boys to Overblot are supposed to have the "souls" of their Villain counterparts, right? But...why is it called "Twisted" Wonderland, then? The truth may lie within something that has been right in front of us all along, my friends: the meaning of a mirror. Ready to buckle in for this one? If so, then here we go!

We have seen all of these guys share character traits, looks, etc with their Disney counterparts, correct? Well, what if I were to tell you that things in terms of the "main" guys that we are supposed to pay attention to aren't exactly what they seem? This could be analyzed in a few different ways, honestly, yet the most prominent way is this: the differences in their personalities- they are reversed. Let us take this bit by bit, shall we?

Ah, yes. The Queen Of Hearts. The ranting, raging, bundle of red, black, and gold we all know and love. (or else heads would roll, I'm sure) One of the things that everybody knows about her is that she's extremely hellbent on the crazy rules that she makes up and is prone to anger honestly very easily. Yeah, you can connect that to Riddle- but think about it for a second. While that rage and the rule thing is still there, it isn't as prominent with him as it was with her, is it? With the Queen of Hearts, her whole "issue" was that she wished to make everybody listen to her and follow her every command- but Riddle was essentially always following the rules of another- not his own. This seemed to make Riddle a little more calm most of the time in terms of how he handled and oversaw things. It wasn't until he actually Overblotted that the "listen to me and only me" thing came out- buuuuuuttttttt I'll get to that part in a bit.

Next: Leona and Scar. While we honestly didn't get to see a lot of what went on behind the scenes in the Outlands in terms of how Scar even met the hyenas to begin with at all, one thing can honestly be said- Scar worked very hard to get where he was. I mean, it's not like you can get an entire pack of rabid, hungry hyenas onto your side in the course of a single day, or maybe even a week (especially as a lion, no less). No, something to that extreme takes careful planning, wording, and stringing along to ensure that nothing goes wrong along the way. The way Scar spoke to Shenzi, Banzai, and Ed made it seem as though he had known them for a looooonngggg time before this- that's where that behind the scenes planning comes in. And then...you have Leona. Leona, from what we can tell in Chapter 2, planned the idea for the "endgame" alright- but he didn't actually act upon any of the plan for himself. Ruggie did. Even in the Lion King, we see that Scar had no problems whatsoever getting his paws dirty a little within his own scheme to take his "rightful place" at the head of Pride Rock- but Leona quite honestly did not a thing once Ruggie was in motion. See where this is starting to head?

Azul and Ursula. Ursula, the Disney baddie queen of my heart Ursula, the Sea Witch. She was known all around the ocean floor for helping out poor little merfolk in secret, wasn't she? Yet, nobody ever really seemed to catch wind of the whole "her turning those who didn't quite fit the bill into polyps" thing, did they? That was one of the things that made her such a honest threat to Ariel herself- because Ursula was cunning. She did things behind the scenes, and sure- we could catch onto it out in the audience (annnddd maybe Sebastian and Flounder as well), but nobody else really seemed to, right? Azul is the complete opposite in this standpoint. He instills direct fear into his "workers" and those even beyond and within his dorm. Like- basically most knew that this dude was bad news to begin with. Azul, mostly, seemed to hide his cunning facade behind a fake yet still seemingly "soft and genuine" smile and act. But all in all, he didn't really attempt to "hide" anything- hell, he even proclaimed his entire plan of what everyone with those things on their heads were gonna do for him in the open! At least when Ursula sang as Vanessa, she was in an almost perfectly enclosed room with nobody else around.

Jamil and Jafar. This comparison here, given what occurs in the movie Aladdin, is honestly one of the biggest possible indicators of this reoccuring theme I shall clarify in a bit. Jafar, while being sneaky, was known for being a more "out there" Disney Villain in terms of his personality alongside that of his partner Iago in the film. He would smile in a sinister way, he would crack jokes out in the open, and let us not forget his crazed yet oddly interesting laughter. Jamil? He's the exact opposite. Given his past and what he has had to dealt with growing up with Kalim, he is much more reserved and barely releases a chuckle or cracks a smile at all. His personality is a lot more repressed than that of Jafar himself throughout the film. Jamil has been so used to having to hold himself back thanks to his parents in favor of Kalim's family, he doesn't seem to know how to "let go" whatsoever. Yet Jafar, while still maintaining that sneaky side of him as well, has no problems whatsoever letting a little hang loose whenever he so chooses to.

Vil and the Evil Queen. This one honestly may be a bit more self explanatory than the others- but the difference between these two is their expressions of themselves. The Evil Queen was the very first animated counted Disney Villain within Disney's history- yet, she barely had any lines throughout the film at all. Her ranges of expression were almost little to none thanks to the era in which the movie was released in- but she always looked like she was pissed, huh? Vil is the exact opposite of her in this sense. He is able to fully express himself through his various facial expressions, theatrical abilities, musical experiences, fashion style, and even how he behaves. Vil is able to do so much more than the Evil Queen did or could do within that time period, that it's almost a little staggering if you fully picture it.

Idia and Hades. Now, now. We haven't honestly seen too much of the flaming blue boy yet in TWST, but one thing is apparent here right off the bat- in terms of his personality? He is the exact opposite of Hades. Idia is much like Jamil but to a more "geek" degree- he's extremely introverted, shy, a bit snippy, yet mainly keeps to himself and his gaming tech. Hades is most often renowned as the Disney Villain with the most personality- and the best humor. Hades has no problem whatsoever being "out there" with his crazy puns, sassy remarks, anger, and even mocking behavior. I mean, please, guys- I haven't been this choked up since I got a hunk of moussaka caught in my throat!

Finally, Malleus and Maleficent. Ooooohoooooooo boy. We have to count out the live action movie Maleficent for this one (sorry horned queen fans). One thing that basically everybody even with their toe in the water in that of Disney movies kind of knows this fact- Maleficent is c r u el. She's got a bizarre set of dark powers and an even blacker heart than that. Hell, we basically had to "soften her up" a little bit in Maleficent thanks to just how seemingly irredeemable her character is in that of Sleeping Beauty. I mean, c'mon now- cursing an infant? And we get no explanation for that in the original? C'mon, now. Anyways, Malleus? As we all can tell by now, this dude is the compleeettteeeeeee opposite. Sure, he has those repressed bits here and there too, but it is evident that this dude has a heart crying out for the MC and it is big, bold, and golden to the core once you look past how he looks. He sent the MC a card for winter break, for crying out loud. Yeah, let me know the next time you see Maleficent do that smh.

Now, I have avoided using a certain word up until this point to see if anybody could catch on to what exactly is happening here. Did you figure it out? Reverse. The boys that either have Overblotted already or intend to Overblot soon stop holding out on us, Chapter 6 have had the exact opposite personalities compared to that of their Villain counterpart- until one prime point in their "character arcs". Their Overblot.

Riddle wished to have all bow before him and obey his rules.

Leona led his entire dorm into ruin and nearly sanded away the entire school in the process.

Azul let himself finally free of his personal shackles entirely and "took what was his".

Jamil finally let himself go and opened up more in his personality, almost seeming to be driven insane in the process.

Vil wanted to become the most beautiful one of all and would kill anyone within the way of that goal without any hesitation whatsoever.

The moment that the boys' Overblotted, that was the exact moment when the "soul" of their Disney Villain counterpart took control. Keeping that idea in mind, that should mean that this will happen in the upcoming chapters and their Overblots:

Idia will show off all of the personality, powers, and intelligence that he has been keeping down within this introverted self of his.

Malleus will become so broken by being left out and alone in the cold for the final time that he will turn into a completely cruel Fae and possibly nearly kill either the MC or the representation of Prince Philip within that Chapter in the process.

(Hello, my dear Readers! Guess who is trying to get back into her bigger pieces of writing? This gal right here~ feel free to drop a comment and tell me what you think of this theory- I'd love to hear your thoughts! 💕)

[voidstilesplease]

By the Angel, TALK

Warning: THIS IS AN ANTI-CLARY AND JACE SPOILER RANT because I need an avenue to let out some of the steam I've been holding off since starting City of Fallen Angels. So PLEASE SKIP AHEAD because I don't want to burden you all with my reading woes.

This thing centers on the beginning of Chapter 9: From Fire Unto Fire and a little bit of Chapter 8. About eight pages of bad, bad romance set me off.

To start,

The rest is under the cut, so you can go away now.

So, what's been happening to Clary and Jace thus far?

This book introduced them now as an official couple, picking up from the end of TMI Book 3: City of Glass. I don't remember their every scene since then to the point in Chapter 9 where I stopped, but basically, they're having relationship issues early on. They're less than two months into their relationship, and the drama is too frickin much. 

Jace has these weird dreams about murdering Clary and waking up guilty about his subconscious thoughts, so he goes angsting about it and avoiding her, snapping at her, being a total dick, and still question why people think they are on the brink of a break-up. 

So, Jace goes with Simon in the next few scenes, in his plight to get away from her as far as possible, yet still be somehow close by being around Clary's best friend to "protect" him, so his distant behavior will be reasonable and forgivable. Yeah, make that make sense. 🙄 But of course, one way or another, they're going to have to get to the confrontation part (that I still wish had been equivalent to an actual break-up), and so that's when Chapter 8 & 9 enters.

Chapter 8: Walk in Darkness pp. 185-186

Almost instantly, the light went out of them, and the remaining color drained out of his face. "I thought --- Simon said you weren't coming." ¹

[...] "So you only came because you thought I wouldn't be here? [...] Were you ever planning on talking to me again? [...] If you're going to break it off, the least you could do is tell me, not just stop talking to me and leave me to figure it out on my own."

"Why does everyone keep goddamn asking me if I'm going to break up with you? [...]²

First, what an asshole?! 

[1] So Jace finally in-your-face's Clary and confirms that he has been keeping his distance like Clary has the plague. He then has the audacity to [2] be annoyed for being questioned on his intentions of keeping the relationship that he has been actively evading for days!

I get that Jace sucks in romantic relationships and has been fucked up by his daddy-issues, but he has the Lightwoods. Heck, Alec is his parabatai. He sees working relationships, so he has to have known that you don't just stop talking to people close to you and have them not question the behavior, whether you're trying to pull away from them or not. Otherwise, then Jace is dumb for all that he's marketed as the "best" Shadowhunter in his age. Screw that.

---

“You talked to Simon about us?" Clary shook her head. "Why? Why aren't you talking to me?"

"Because I can't talk to you," Jace said. "I can't talk to you, I can't be with you, I can't even look at you."³

[3] Way to make a girl feel special, Jace. Oh, no, yeah. He's trying to do the opposite and push her away with some teenage boy angst that doesn't make any sense. Like, who says that, though, aside from dramatic love interests that can't make a better excuse for going emo? 

That line IS TOO DRAMATIC that it hurts, ugh. 🤮

Anyway, so Clary walks out after that. I don't sympathize with her, but I'd do the same. Who wouldn't? Unless you freeze in the ridiculousness of the situation, that is, which is also likely.

Chapter 9: From Fire Unto Fire pp. 190-195

Now, here's the real shit. I want to quote this entire six-page scene back to Cassie and scream at her.

Clary reached the door and burst out into the rain-drenched evening air. [...] and was about to race across the street against the light when a hand caught her arm and spun her around.

It was Jace. [...] "Clary, didn't you hear me calling you?"

"Let go of me." Her voice shook.

"No. Not until you talk to me."⁴

[4] DUDE, what even happened to your I CAN'T TALK TO YOU, I CAN'T EVEN LOOK AT YOU speech, huh? Be consistent for once, apart from your douchebag routine. Make up your mind, Jace.

---

Still holding her by the arm, he half-dragged her around the van and into a narrow alley that bordered the Alto Bar. ⁵

[5] Man, I love a bit of rough loving in my literature, but I'm so pissed at you, Jace, don't even. Lay the hell off.

---

"I was going to tell you that I was trying to help out Simon. [...]

"And you couldn't tell me? Couldn't text me a single line letting me know where you were?"⁶ [...]

[...]

"I think," he said slowly, "that I thought that the closest thing to being with you was being with Simon. Watching out for him. I had some stupid idea that you'd realize I was doing it for you and forgive me---"⁷

[6] Addressing the lack of communication, that's a great path to follow. These two need to talk so bad. [7] But this line? Sucks Balls. You could be with her, Jacey, and save all the readers your drama if you only pull your head out of your ass and try to communicate. It's like you're allergic to it.

---

She took a step back, blindly, and nearly tripped over an abandoned speaker. Her bag slid to the ground as she put her hand out to right herself, but Jace was already there. He moved forward to catch her, and kept moving until her back hit the alley wall, and his arms were around her, and he was kissing her frantically.⁸

[8] Not only is this achingly cheesy, but it's also totally not the way they should be going off about their situation. They were already talking -arguing, yes, but they're still using words to reach out, and their relationship absolutely cannot be healthy without them. Thus far, they have spoken so less in comparison with the times they've spent canoodling. They're not solving anything by having drama on one second and getting it on with dramatic kissing on the next.

I don't care what Clary says about being so lost in love with Jace. He's treating her like shit. The least he can do is give her answers that she has the right to demand from him. Kissing is not an answer. But, well, maybe to Clary, it is because the next parts from page 192 to 194 are spent on softcore porn in a dark alley under the frickin rain. I bet that's a very romantic setting in their minds, huh.

---

And now this part:

It was nerve-wracking. She could feel the feverish heat that came off him; her hands were still on his shoulders, but it wasn't enough. She wanted him wrapped around her, holding her tight. "W-why," she breathed. "can't you talk to me? Why can't you look at me?"

He ducked his head down to look into her face. His eyes, surrounded by lashes darkened with rainwater, were impossibly gold.

"Because I love you."⁹

[9] Is that supposed to make me tingle? SET ME ON FIRE, but that is the lousiest I love you in books that I have ever read. AND IT'S THE ONLY ONE THAT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE, at all!

Shut up with this, can you please. It's not romantic at all. It's a dumb excuse and an even dumber love from the two dumbest people in this whole frickin series. Oh my god.

Clary, realistically, will frown at this answer. She will pull the hell away and spat him in the face with how demeaning his love is if it can make her sick to the stomach with thinking he has already gone bored and is only cooking the perfect way to cut off their connection. He hasn't given her a sound reason, only desperate declarations of love like he's trying to convince them both that it's true. And it doesn't make sense how she's still plastered around him in the cold, trying to convince the readers that every word from Jace has deeper meanings that she understands no matter how gibberish they are. I'm not buying that, okay? Stop selling your larger-than-life connection bullshit because that isn't real.

You've only been together for two months, okay? The strongest you can feel for each other is lust. And it's showing.

---

His hands slid down to her waist and he kissed her, long and lingering, making her shudder.

She pulled away, "That doesn't make any sense."

"Neither does this," he said, "but I don't care. I'm sick of trying to pretend I can live without you. Don't you understand that? Can't you see it's killing me?"¹⁰

She stared at him. She could see that he meant what he said [...] Her desire for answers battled the more primal part of her brain, and lost. "Kiss me then,"¹¹

[10] NOBODY THREATENED YOU UNDER BLADE TO DO THAT BULLSHIT, so shut the hell up with the whining. [11] and Clary, I am so disappointed. You've both just drained me, and I'm dry inside like a raisin.

The next paragraphs describe their very erotic kissing against the wall. Jace, propping her up and her legs around his waist bull crap. Seriously? Am I supposed to believe these two are, what sixteen?- up until Isabelle thankfully ruins their moment by kicking a garbage can that would look better with Jace and Clary in it tbh.

---

And the nastiest horseshit of all:

Clary looked at Jace. At any other time, they would have laughed together at Isabelle's moodiness, but there was no humor in his expression, and she knew immediately that whatever they had had between them ---whatever had blossomed out of his momentary lack of control--- it was gone now. [...]

"Jace---" she took a step toward him.

"Don't," he said, his voice very rough. "I can't."¹²

And then he was gone [...]

[12] No, I frickin CANNOT. His actions keep on contradicting his words, and he's fickle and can't decide which mood to settle, and it's so exhausting, honestly. He wasted a few pages for a cosmic, meaningless declaration of feelings. They're empty words. At this point, I believe the writing only strives to convince the readers that these characters care for each other but is shitty at showing it.

It's not love, because they say it is love.

---

I was already gaining hope for this book, and then one simple few-pages scene with clace squishes it, smearing the innards on my face.

Honestly, TALK OR TAKE A BREAK. This back and forth can't continue throughout the rest of the book or -heaven forbid- the rest of the series. Or at least, put these characters in the background if they really must drag on this problem, because I care not a lick.

Bye.

[shoujocentral]

Symphogear S1- Now this is MY kind of anime!

Every once and awhile when I'd log onto Twitter, I'd see people saying "watch Symphogear" accompanied by images from the show. From looking at the pictures, I assumed it was just another magical girl show like Precure but with less magic and more... techno. Oh, and apparently they sing while they fight? Sounds kinda dumb...

Buuuut... I have heard that there's some yuri content? Maybe I'll give it a try. I mean, I'm always open to watching new stuff, even if it's just a silly little kid's show 😅

😳

Well........ color me hooked.

I have to say, this show is not at all what I was expecting in the best possible way. It feels a lot more like a Shounen action show along the lines of Fullmetal Alchemist or Neon Genesis Evangelion than a Magical Girl show (if that's even what it's supposed to be). Today, I'm going to be giving my first impressions of Senki Zesshou Symphogear season 1, which will be spoiler free for anyone who hasn't seen it yet.

Plot:

So what is Senki Zesshou Symphogear about?

In the not too distant future (next Sunday A.D.), Japan is under attack by monsters known as Noises, the likes of which cannot be killed by military weapons. The only thing that can kill them are girls clad in weaponized armor known as Gears, which is activated and powered by singing catchy techno-pop music.

One day, a girl named Hibiki Tachibana is caught in the middle of a battle, and one of the Gear users, Kanade Amou, sacrifices herself to save her. Two years later, Hibiki discovers that a piece of Kanade's Gear was embedded in her chest during the fight, giving her access to the Gear's powers. Hibiki is recruited by the Disaster Relief Squadron, the organization that created the Gears, to help defend Japan from the Noises.

However, Kanade's former girlfriend partner, Tsubasa Kazanari, sees Hibiki as nothing more than an obnoxious, naive girl trying to be Kanade's replacement. Will the two learn to work together, defeat the Noises, and possibly uncover a deeper plot to all the attacks?

Symphogear's plot might not be the most original thing ever; evil monsters attack, teenage girls transform into superpowered warriors to fight them, evil mastermind tries to take over the world, etc. But what makes this story stand out is it's unique approach to the fights. Having the Gears be powered by music, resulting in every fight being accompanied by a song, is either a genius way to amplify the fights, or a genius way for the producers to sell a techno soundtrack.

I was worried that the constant use of insert songs would become repetitive and annoying, but on the contrary, they heightened my enjoyment! The fights in Symphogear are easily my favorite part of the show: fast-paced, badass powers, lots of screaming, and downright brutal at times! Hibiki has officially joined the ranks of my all-time favorite battle cries, right up there with Goku from DBZ and Souma from Kannazuki no Miko.

If there was one thing I had to nitpick, it would be that most of the fights take away the credibility of the Noises. They're supposed to be this terrifying threat to Japan that can't be harmed by the military, but as soon as the Gear wielders show up, they're reduced to nothing more than cannon fodder as Hibiki and her comrades seem to waltz through them without breaking a sweat.

Thankfully, the versus matches between Gear wielders are much more balanced. My favorite has to be Hibiki vs Chris (see above), but then again, any fight with Chris is an absolute win!

Characters:

Hibiki Tachibana

Hibiki is your typical genki girl protagonist: optimistic, hyperactive, naive, and pure. What makes her a more compelling hero, however, is her slow growth into becoming a strong Gear wielder. Unlike most magical girl protagonists, who seem to master their powers after one line of "EH?! What just happened to me?!", Hibiki takes time to learn how to fight. She starts out with the mindset that she has to be Kanade's replacement and thus tries to fight just like her. However, she eventually comes to invent her own battle tactics that work much more in her favor. Mainly, punching the everloving shit out of everything in sight.

Hibiki is, in my opinion, a flat character done right. She doesn't go through any personal growth or development throughout the show (learning to fight doesn't count), but her belief that all humans can get along if they communicate and desire to protect people just because she wants to is the cause for most of the change in the people around her. The world is in a dark place, and Hibiki is the light. She doesn't need to change, because she's exactly what the world needs.

Tsubasa Kazanari

From what I've learned, Tsubasa is a favorite amongst Symphogear fans. Me personally, though, I have a few issues with her character. Now, I have nothing against brooding, damaged characters. In fact, Tsubasa's recovery from Kanade's death and learning to cherish her own life was incredibly engaging... for the most part. Sorry, but I can only take so much edge. Her constant repitition of "I am a sword, I exist only to fight" grew old after the first 10 or so times.

Also, while I love her overall development, I feel that her acceptance of Hibiki was a little rushed. For the first four episodes, she hates Hibiki for carrying Kanade's Gear to the point where she tries to fight her to the death. Then, after another fight sends her into a coma, she has a (extremely gay) hallucination of Kanade telling her to get over herself. Next episode, she's treating Hibiki as if they've been friends the whole time. Did I miss something? Did Hibiki even apologize for saying she wanted to replace Kanade? Did Tsubasa apologize for trying to shishkabob her?!

Development aside, her fighting style is awesome and unique, and leads to the best choreography in the show. Hopefully as I watch more seasons, my opinion of her will improve.

Chris Yukine

Best Girl. No questions. Anyone who disagrees is wrong. Deal with it.

Jokes aside, Chris is my favorite character of the show bar none. Maybe I just have a weakness for evil-turned-good characters, but I adored her "don't take no shit from nobody" attitude and her soft side emerging as the show progressed. And let me tell you, Tsubasa would have no right to brood if she knew what Chris went through as a child. I won't give anything away, but just a few brief images and harsh words were enough get the picture across and tug at my heartstrings.

She also had my favorite Gear and fighting style in the show. If there's one thing that always gets my blood pumping, it's gatling guns and an endless supply of missiles. Seriously, I could watch this girl fight for hours.

Kanade Amou

A moment of silence, ladies and gentlemen.

......

Kanade would be my favorite character if we had gotten more of her. But alas, she has to die in the very first episode. DAMN YOU, PLOT!!!

Even though we get very little of Kanade, she makes it her mission to leave a lasting impression. Her sacrifice at the beginning sets the tone for the rest of the show, and her flashback is the best of the bunch. I got hard chills when she transformed for the first time. Let's just say she's psychotic in all the right ways.

Kanade died for our sins. Remember that... 🙏

Finé

Our main villain of the show. That's it. There's really nothing much else to her. She's cruel, manipulative, and powerful beyond belief, as most big bosses of these kinds of shows are. She was honestly my least favorite part of the show.

Fine's motivation is incredibly confusing on first watch. I had to go back to pause and read the subtitles multiple times to understand her backstory, but maybe that's my fault for being a slow reader. On the other hand, the explanation as to who she is and why she's so powerful comes right out of nowhere and doesn't seem to connect to anything the story had been building up to that point. Also, by the time I understood her motivation and actually found it a little intriguing, she dropped the dreaded "I'm going to take over the world" line. Aaaaand.... all my interest just went out the window.

There is a twist involving her connection to a certain other character in the show that I genuinely didn't see coming, but in the end, it wasn't nearly enough to make up for her shortcomings.

Miku Kohinata

God bless this little angel. Miku is a precious cinnamon roll who must be protected at all costs. Thankfully, Hibiki's got it covered 👍

Words cannot express how much I love this girl. She may be only a supporting role for the time being, but good lord, does she support! It always broke my heart whenever she tried to spend time with Hibiki or talk to her, but the Disaster Relief Squad kept pulling them apart. I know DRS is classified, but Miku deserves better than to have secrets kept from her! Life sucks when your girlfriend best friend is a superhero...

Well, that was a mouthful. There's a lot more characters in this show, but I don't really have much to say about them. However, while we're on the subject of Miku, let's move on to the reason I checked this show out in the first place, and the reason I'm sure most of you read my stuff.

Yuri:

No sooner did I finish this show did I start looking up HibiMiku fanart 😍

I was expecting a fair dosage of yuribait going into Symphogear, but mother of all that is gay, did I get an overdose!

First and foremost, the main ship: HibiMiku. These two are dating. Nothing anyone says will change my mind. They compliment each other perfectly, with Hibiki's energy and Miku's sweetness... HHNNNGGH! IT'S TOO PRECIOUS! I sincerely hope these two get more time together in the next few seasons. Now if only they'd stop with the damn F word...... 😡

Next up, TsubaKana. This one seems more like it was one-sided feelings on Tsubasa's part, judging by how dedicated Kanade was to fighting the Noise. Regardless, you don't just lose all sense of your humanity and self-worth after your "partner" dies. And all that hardcore blushing in the flashbacks and naked cuddling dream sequences... nah, Tsubasa was hella hot for Kanade. Sadly, our lord and savior was taken from Ms. Brooding too soon.

Finally, there's Ryoko Sakurai, the DRS's head scientist. She was initially hinted to be gay, what with her being all too eager to have Hibiki undress and wanting to "pop her cherry" (yes, an adult said that to a 15 year-old). However, after a certain conversation occurred, it seemed more like she was straight or at least bisexual, if all that dirty talk wasn't just teasing.

I've heard future seasons introduce more potential couples, so I'm keeping my eyes open and my yuri goggles on tight 😋

Conclusion:

I enjoyed the first season of Senki Zesshou Symphogear through and through. As someone who enjoyed Akanesasu Shoujo and Magical Girl Spec-Ops Asuka, I have a soft spot for shows about badass girls kicking monster ass and unleashing their inner yuri. Overall though, I think Symphogear might be my favorite of the bunch so far. It has its fair share of flaws, sure, but I think its positives outweigh the negatives by a long shot. If I got this much enjoyment out of the first season, I cannot wait to see what the following seasons have to offer!

Symphogear delivers a fun, action-packed story with colorful characters, kickass fight scenes, head-banging music and plenty of yuri content. Anyone who loves Magical Girls or Shounen battle shows needs to check it out!

Rating: 8/10

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go binge Symphogear G. See you next time, my fellow yuri lovers!

[duanecbrooks]

The Return Of Girls Gone Write     Further unmistakable evidence that women, by and large, are the superior writers: the former George W. Bush press secretary and current Fox News host Dana Perino's my-life-with-my-dog-Jasper memoir Let Me Tell You About Jasper...: How My Best Friend Became America's Dog and the large-screen sprite Anna Kendrick's personal/professional memoir Scrappy Little Nobody. These two books are, frankly, flat-out joys to read, the former being a frequently warmhearted, often humorous, always heartfelt telling of her life and experiences with her pet dog Jasper, who, as she convincingly claims, has become the real and true star of the Perino family; the latter being an engaging, sprightly, consistently witty literary self-examination of one of the modern-day American cinema's most succulent and most appealing chicks. To partake of these tomes consecutively, both from beginning to end, is to spend quality time with a pair of delightfully quirky, keenly aware, firmly articulate she-babes who, each in her own way, have a marvelous sense of proportion, a marvelous refusal to see themselves as having any kind of Greatness.             Before getting into just exactly why these superb books are superb, allow me to go into how I first became aware of Kendrick (If you'll remember, Perino first came into my life via her first-rate within-the-George W. Bush-administration memoir And The Good News Is...: Lessons and Advice from the Bright Side). Kendrick caught my attention, as do many other other folks and things these days, via YouTube. Specifically, first, during a compilation of Kathie Lee/Hoda's "best" Today "celebrity moments," wherein, when Kendrick was asked whether or not she'd like to play a game, she facetiously mimicked Nader and replied mock-earnestly: "No! I hate games! I hate fun, I hate laughing!" (Later, she was shown doing some mock-dirty dancing with said girls); second, during a trailer for one of Kendrick's more recent theatrical films, namely Get A Job, the aforementioned trailer's two highlights, for me, being 1) this scene where Kendrick's filmic character, Jillian by name, is sitting on the floor lamenting the fact that she spent almost all of the money she had on a BITCHIIN' pair of shoes, while clad in a pair of equally bangin' black toreador pants that, given her sitting position, magnificently show off her magnificently long, lean legs and her magnificently-proportioned bare feet; and 2) a long shot of Kendrick adorned in a man's white shirt and tie and black high heels and again displaying those stylishly long, lean legs. Thus I was already primed, due to being previously turned on by Kendrick, to favor her tome.             It's here where I'll deal with the highlights of both books, the places where our memoirists especially grab ahold of and, simultaneously, charm and delight us.               .Perino, on the vast network of fans/friends that has developed due to her having Jasper: "It is a bit wonderful that through television and social media, Jasper and I became friends with so many people across the country. I enjoy interacting with my followers and fans, and I really feel that we have modern-day friendships--people I've never met, but that I've come to know over time through short digital interactions. It has widened my circle of people I talk to, and it's deepened my appreciation for people from all walks of life. I now get a chance to communicate with people I wouldn't have ever known; the Internet has given us a way to connect and network that didn't exist before. We're all neighbors now (with the proper amount of fencing to keep things friendly).               "Often this new group of people has cheered me up or warmed my heart just when I needed it. Working in politics and live cable television can be stressful, and switching off at the end of the day isn't always easy. Jasper's following has actually given me a way to set aside the work portion of my day and exchange some messages with my electronic friends, which helps me keep grounded and cheerful."                 .Kendrick, on her brother Mike: "My brother is my hero. I've idolized him since the day I was born and I still do. He's responsible for at least sixty percent of my personality, for better or worse. I'm told that if you're an only child, you grow up thinking you're the center of the universe, and if you have tons of siblings you grow up with a healthy perspective on how small you are in the grand scheme of things. I'd like to think that my brother told me I was a worthless brat often enough that I got the same effect...     "Mike's main interests [when we were kids] were watching Star Wars, playing Magic: The Gathering, and avoiding his annoying little sister. The only time he happily included me was when he wanted to play 'Pro Wrestling Champions,' as I was an ideal partner on which to inflict moderate injury."           .Perino, on Jasper's television debut: "Jasper made his debut on The Five [Perino's Fox News political talk show] as a sleepy puppy at just two months old, and a star was born. I brought him on set and when we were back from commercial break, I showed him off for the camera. He looked right into the lens with his deep blue eyes (a Vizsla [Jasper's breed] is born with blue eyes that eventually turn amber). He snuggled into me. Hearts melted.             "Jasper has tons of personality and is as photogenic as any dog I've known. On Jasper's birthday, my [The Five] producer lets him come on the show and he sits on a chair, for the most part, wearing a bow tie collar, and you would think he knows exactly what he's doing when he looks into the teleprompter. He's certainly better behaved than [Five co-host Greg] Gutfield."             .Kendrick, on her early period as an actor: "Starting in theater gave me a basic work ethic that I may not have gotten if I started in film and television. I worked six days a week, eight shows a week (two shows on Wednesdays and Saturdays, Mondays off). It wasn't so much the schedule--I worked in accordance with child labor laws--it was that I was held accountable for my work.             "Once, during rehearsals, our director was playing with the shape of a musical number that involved most of the cast--which jokes should stay, where they should go, etc. He decided to try reinstituting a small joke I'd had in a previous draft, and we started the number again from the top. I lost where we were in the music and I opened my mouth to say the line, a measure too late. He was already shaking his head and signaling the pianist to stop.             "'Anna just lost a line. Let's go back to how it was before and start again.'"         .Perino, on her period as W.'s press secretary: "[B]ecoming the White House press secretary was the best thing that ever happened to my career. I learned so much--about policy, world affairs, management, and politics.             "But the most important lesson I learned working for President Bush was about character and how to conduct myself under stress and attack. I found out how to be productive despite obstacles, and appreciated how a communicator can help calm a situation, advance a negotiation, or lead to a solution.               "The press secretary is the pinnacle for a public relations professional--it was the opportunity of a lifetime.                 "But having worked in politics for so many years, I'd built up a fairly tough exterior. The daily battles can wear a person out, and in some ways, I became edgier and harder than I'd ever been.         "It was also a lofty position, and the surest way you can lose your way in Washington, D.C., is to let any of that power or prestige go to your head.             "Throughout those years [first dog] Henry kept me from losing sight of what was important in life: appreciation and gratitude for my health and blessings, and the love I shared with [hubby] Peter and our dog."     .Kendrick, on her early life as a struggling actor: "The next pilot season [for television series] was starting up, which meant I was usually sent on one to four auditions a day. I discovered MapQuest and wrote down directions by hand since I didn't have a printer. Between that and my growing knowledge of the city, I was only getting lost, like, six times a day. Pilot season is grim because you're sent in for everything, no matter how wrong you are for it. I kept a mountain of clothes and accessories in my trunk so I could go from the fourteen-year-old goth daughter on a TNT drama to the spoiled twenty-two-year-old receptionist on a workplace comedy. It's obvious now that splitting my focus made it responsible for me to do well on any of them, but I was in no position to turn down auditions.               "How do I describe my personal life during this time? I met funny, interesting people. I went to art galleries downtown, I performed a one-woman show for free on the street corner. Except none of that's true. I spent most of my time trying to find ways to occupy myself without spending money or ingesting calories."                     .Perino, on what she terms Jasper's "protest pee": "When I wrote And the Good News Is... I received a lot of gifts for Jasper, including an embroidered quilt with the Great Seal of the United States. It is beautiful and functional. [Peter and I] take it with us to our friends' homes if we are invited to stay the night, because, well, you try telling Jasper he can't sleep on the bed. With the quilt, we're covered. Literally and figuratively.                   "When we're at our place in South Carolina, leaving him in the house is even more stressful. For a while, whenever we'd go out, we'd come home and find that he'd peed on the floor. As soon as we'd walk in, we'd know something happened, because Jasper would grab a toy as he always does, but instead of frantic joy and butt wagging, his tail would be down and he'd look guilty. It was hard to discipline him because you're supposed to catch them in the act. [Hubby] Peter would get pretty made at Jasper, and I'd feel terrible.                 "'He's so scared to be left alone,' I'd say.           "'No, he's being a brat,' Peter responded."                   .Kendrick, on behavior at showbiz events: "There's a campaign called #AskHerMore, which was started by some thoughtful, intelligent females (Lena Dunham, Reese Witherspoon, Shondra Rimes, etc.). It aims to ensure that when women attend events, they are asked about more than their dresses. Men don't answer questions about their clothes; why should we [women]? A simple and understandable request.                 "However, if people could ask me less, that would be great. I would love it if we could limit my red carpet topics to my favorite colors, what sound a duck makes, and my thoughts on McDonald's All-Day Breakfast--blessing or curse?"                 Also: Nearly the final half of Perino's book consists of various @FiveFanPhotoshops pictures that very humorously show Jasper in a collection of quite colorful poses--Jasper painting a portrait of Perino's former boss, W.; Jasper as a race-car driver; Jasper and Perino involved in the Kentucky Derby with the latter on top of the former, et al. And Kendrick's tome closes with a "Bonus Reading Group Guide," wherein there are "a few questions to help you get the most out of your reading experience."(As an addend, Kendrick wittily 1] apologizes for the "fact" that her "Guide" offers no red meat for those of us who "happen to run a trashy celebrity news blog that requires you to peruse the content of privileged cretins like me"; and 2] gives us permission to "use these questions [in the "Guide"] as a template for creating misleading but juicy headlines." She winds up by, also wittily, summing up what she, so she claims, is conveying: "[F]amous white girls are really fun to be mad at") Among the queries asked in the "Guide":                                        .."Though every page of Scrappy Little Nobody is perfect in every                           way, which part is your favorite? Make a list (it can be a Post-it that                           says, 'Every part is my favorite') and tape it to your chest for the rest                                 of the day."                                        .."When Anna compares Zac Efron to Charles Manson, is she making                                 a joke or trying to warn us about a potential murderous mastermind?"                                .."In the sections about Alexa Chung and Olivia Palermo, the author                           viciously maligns two innocent and very fashionable girls. Is Anna a                           shady, basic bitch, or the shadiest, basic-est bitch?"                                       .."Anna makes a lot of bad decisions. Can you think of a time when                                 you've made a bad decision? Oh wow, really? We're gonna pretend                                   you can't think of a single example? YOU THINK YOU'RE BETTER                             THAN ME?!"             And thus there are the books of Dana Perino and Anna Kendrick, the former being a greatly stylish, consistently witty, always loving paean to a dog who is not only a beloved pet but, as Perino very convincingly limns, one of the most well-known and well-regarded personalities in America (easily, happily, well above and beyond any yammering about "animal rights"); the latter being an engagingly lively, undeniably honest, unrelievedly funny self-portrait of a celebrity gal who is obviously on the sides of life and living, whose unflinchingly upbeat, never-say-die attitude comes through in literally every paragraph.                 In the much-lauded theatrical film The Magic of Belle Isle, the single Mom Charlotte O'Neill (Virginia Madsen), during an evening dinner with her daughters and that evening's guest, the renowned Western novelist Monte Wildhorn (Morgan Freeman), asserted: "I've always felt that a book does something no friend could: Stay quiet when you want to think." To partake of the Perino and Kendrick tomes as they "[s]tay quiet" is to have you "wanting to think" about them--always favorably and, very often, with unsheathed laughter.