#if not i’ll reblog onto my provate account

[hol-eage]

sometimes i step back and see life from the outside, it makes me feel silly, but its grounding in a way thats different than in the way that walking my dog and making coffee and studying is,

its not the drive of the day to day

its the reality of the future, and past but not lingering on what might have been or anything like that, rather, how the past will be mirrored in a thousand ways by the end of my life, and how things will happen that will make me feel experiences that i have never had even a mirror echo of so far

The real stuff, i guess, that makes life make sense are the moments where the ground is hot or air frigid or bricks reflecting light or just, those moments that make you realise that being alive and being in love can be the same thing

Not always, i guess there are moments just as everlasting, which have impact that will last, that are dark, those of moments of a true true losing feeling, the trauma

If those are the trauma though

And trauma leaves us with echo moments, subconscious triggers that tell us we’re indanger because a smell or sight or sound or touch is TOO familiar, too much like that trauma

If that is so

Then the moments of life love, the echos of those, that smell that takes you to sitting on your brothers floor age 10, that sound that leaves you feeling as though youre dancing on a rocking chair twisting your hands through the floating dust age 6, that smell that makes you feel as though youre sitting on a canal lock reading a ghost book in the height of summer age 15...

Those are the same thing as trauma just the exact opposite

Sometimes when i think a lot about this, i feel this sense of distancing from the present, not stepping into the past but viewing my entire life that has been and is to come

Maybe i have large chunks that are as poetic or meaningful or calming as fiction is, maybe thats because fiction is looking to recreate those moments in time

Will i fall in love? have i been in love? do i need to fall in love? have i loved friends as much as you can ever love anyone? will i have a child? how far will i travel? how often? will I spontaneously meet people who i’ll grow to love? or will it all happen in a forced way? will i dream still when im old old old? will i love myself when im old old old? will i be satisfied when im old old old?

is it enough just to have a life with plenty of love moments and i guess also trauma moments, is that being present? truly alive? Is that regretless?

you can feel those without falling in love or having a child or traveling far,

You can have them i think as long as you keep going, stay alive, stay stay stay, dont let the weight of it keep you still or take you downwards, stay stay stay and the light will hit the bricks just so and the sun will warm the floor and the cold will chill the air