#if my phone keeps fucking woth me im going to lose my mind

[strongerthanweak]

ghetsis doodles to understand his face . Was sketching over uhm Jeremy iron

only notes on 2nd one that matter (most r stupid or lyrics) : "him + lysandre have the nicest hair (shockingly 4 ghetsis) (ignoring lusamine)", the piercing was "impulse added", w/ both of them (ghetsis is..) "taller (Guzma is already pretty tall so)"

ignore how I didn't do his scar / eyebrow thing . I noticed he was errm.. on the wrong side so I heh didn't bother . I like the sketch w/o color more as... always...

[hypnotized-by-your-name91]

JM, the things my hearts been needing to say...

there are a few things i have been meaning to tell you but i cant. i cant get myself to find the courage to text you... not because im afraid of what you will say but because i know you dont care about me or i how i feel anymore. i know you wont have anything to say. Its almost as ny thoughts are too much sometimes and i.have so much to say i lose track what i want to say. ill try to keep it simple but i dont know if i can - because you meant something to me. you mean something to me to the point four months later i cant shake the feelings...or feeling.

so here goes nothing.

first i wanted to say i have refound myself. im more in touch with myself than i ever have before. since i lost you i went on this whole self discovery. ive learned to love myself.

two. because of you i know im worthy. i know my worth and i really have become to love myself like always should have. i know i shouldn't be sexond best or on option.. never should i be the side.chick

three. i found out more of what i want out of a relationship..

four. what we had felt more real to me than anything ive ever had romantically woth anyone... even of i was on the side. you made me feel special. our 4 hour phone converstion really helpled ease the loneliness.

five. you put my heart back together but then you broke it all over again.

six. the the time we had something i waz trying to fix myself. i was trying to see how things went wrong with chris. i was trying to be more for you.

seven. i wanted to be all that you wanted me to be. i wanted to do things for us. for once i wanted to better my life for us. but in the back of my mind there wasnt an "us"... really.

eight. im sso very very sorry joe for not trying to out the pieces in my life together so i could be more stable for us.. the maybe "us". i keep thinking joe if i would have gotten my lisence or did this or did that.. and got more stable than you would have choosen me. i wanted it to be.

nine. Joe, im so so so so sorry for letting what we had become public. i keep thinking about over and over again. i ruined your trust.

ten. how could you just leave me like that?!?! like i nevet ever fucking mattered to you!!! how could you?!?!? after you yold me every day that you going anywhere.. do you know how heartbreaking that was to be close to you ine minute.. and then me completely nothing to you the next.. it fucking hurt...more than you will ever know.

eleven. some days i just fucking hate you.. i just fucking hate you. i wish i never met you.

twelve. i cried for weeks. no not just cried. i sobbed in my bed at night and during the day. the whole Christmas break... i knew by then i lost you.

thirteen. even when we were something.. i had horrible nights and i couldnt text or call you and it drove me nuts because i knew you would be able to calm me down. i needed you there, and you couldnt be because of her. because you never really wanted to be there toward the end. i would have nights where i were up late night crying my eyes out becuase id had a horrible fight with my friends and you were the person i wanted to turn too. i needed you there. but you had her. i needed you in my arms and hold me so tight like you always did.

fourteen. although shit hit the fan, and you dont care anymore. thank you, Joe. thank you for everything because what i went through you had made me so strong.

sixteen. having your arms around gave me a feeling i never wanted to lose. being able to just lay here in my bed and look into those beautiful green eyes of yours did something to me i cant explain. i felt something different with you. some how i made myself belive you felt the same

eighteen. i never thought id lose you but my heart knew all along. something always felt so wrong.

nineteen. i wish i were her. not in the sense of you cheating on her countless of times but the way you love her. i want you to love me like you love her.. or so if you do. i get jealous sometimes.. i really do but then again.. you are probably cheating on het again with someone else besides me so no.

twenty. if you so called love her then why did you make love to me, hold me, touch me, kiss me..ect..? i know she works nights and you feel lonley but thats not a reason to do that.

twenty-one. i hope she finds out. not because i want her to hurt but because she needs to know what kind of man you really are. she needs to know she os worth more than cheating lieing ass. maybe she knows but stays for the sake of it.

twenty two. if you arent happy then just fucking leave her.. i know you got everything made there but come on? cant stay in a place you are miserable. hence why i left burgaflex. i know you got a house with her, i know you are stablr there.. i know you have her kids.. but those are hers.. you have no responsibility for them..point blank. you cane get your own house.. just saying.. you make enough.

twenty three: i fell in love with you at one point but no longer am. i got some love for you still and i care.

twenty four: it fucking puts a knife through y heart that you dont care anymore. it makes me feel like everything was a lie. i was nothing to you.

twenty five: somedays i think you are a narcissist. you pretty much gaslighted me.

twenty six: reall honesty? i really never allowed myself to open up to you because i knew i wouĺdnt get the same in return

twenty seven. i hate that you cant own up to what you did to me. i cant even get an im sorry for your lips. those lips that always said, i never want to hurt you or her.

twenty eight. i hate that its been what feels like months and you still cant say a fucking word to me. you got some issues to sort out. i know o was never the issue. i know i got issues but i have been working on them. like i said, i was making myself better for you. i really was...

twenty nine. some days i still have hope that your name will show up on my phone with some kind of apology so then i can tell you things ive needed to say. i guess this will help.

Thirty. id never take you back....

thirty one. i find myself thinking of you still. not as much as i use too.. just have my moments. you are not the first thought in the morning and last thought at night anymore.

thirty two. you lost me.. but a part of you still lives inside me of. the memories we made will live on forever. those were special to me

thirty three. i saw some kind of furture with you and that says a lot. i wanted to build with you. i found myself thinking what it would be like to take trips with you,waking up next to you, and living with you.

thirty four. hate myself some days for how i let you control this whole thing. i needed some control. you had it all. i hate myself somedays for agreeing when my heart wanted more when yours didnt.. but thats what your lips spoke to me.. sometimes..

I hope you come across this some day.

[allshe-needed-waslove]

My names kitty, I'm 16 years old. I am an addict. And yes I'm aware that I'm stuck deep in addiction, the first part of recovery is knowing you're an addict. The first step is about where I'm at. It's all started over the lose of my first love. He was handsome, sweet, and caring and everything I've always wanted. At 15 me and him decided to move in together, let me tell you. (First mistake). This man of mine I thought was so in love with me. He tried to have kids with me, dropped 5 bills on housing stuff for us to get our own place. Gave me a promise ring, *on one knee* I was in love and vulnerable. What can I say. I believed every single lie that came out of his petty mouth. (Second mistake). Turned out I was being used for my body. Forgot to mention this man was 21 and I, 15. I'm going to keep this short but just no I could go on forever about this Man. I thought we were so in love and I had found my king... so there comes his idea about king and queen matching hand tattoos. (BIGGEST mistake). Clearly wr aren't together anymore. Well when I moved into his basement with him wr started drinking. blah, blah, long story short he became very emotional, depressed, and filled with physical aggression. I no longer new who he was. I was 7 months clean off blow the whole time me and him were together. As someone that's very deep in addiction I am always addicted to something that makes me feel good. And.. he did. Little did I no it was a disguise. This man, I never saw as a creep for dating me at only 15. I never saw the problem cause "we were so in love" . I'm just glad we didn't end up with kids, although we tried for the whole 7 months. He promised to marry me. I belived him. Hes the first man i was 100% faithful too but thats mostly because i was in love and grew up. Im writing so much about my ex man because he was the root of the start to my addiction. I would have litteraly killed for this man. Well him being an ex addict himself, he had lots of stories, drugs, crime, Exc. I liked them "Older bad boys" and I wanted to be everything he wanted. Shortly I became everything he didn't want even near him. I didn't think he was a creep for dating a 14/15 year old until I saw a side of him I'm scared from. I found out he was talking to 13 year Olds trying to hookup and "get to no them" more and more often, this was when we were on a break I belive. I later turned 16 and he completely lost interest in me. Fully. At one point I was begging for him to stay with me all the way to his house to see a bunch a little kids from 13-17 chilling in his house and in the backyard. At this point I didn't fully notice he's not all right in the head. At 16 I guess I aged out for him. He no longer told me he loved me. No longer kissed my forehead and scratched my back before bed, he no longer rubbed and kissed my belling praying to creator that theres life inside me.Slept with his back facing me. Drank, hungojt with other people all the time. Hid his phone, changed his passwords. Only intimancy and feeling of love was when we would have sex. I was just so comfortable with him, more then my own family. He was the first guy to make me orgasm, and that was a sense of comfort for me (Besides my new love now that I'll mention later on). That's all he ever wanted to do, it was all about sex and booze at the end there. But sadly enough for me it was alchol and speed. He would force me to send him nude pictures and bugged and bugged to the point where he broke up with ne because I wouldn't send a twerk video and because I didn't send nudes when he wanted them.. I still went out of my way to try to make him happy, to keep the spark going. I'd bring him back a chocolate milkshake extra large every single day I got off work.. I wouldn't get a smile, a thankyou or anything. Most I'd get is a "put it right here". I dont really want to get to much into the topic but during sexual intercourse he would hit me, and chocked me till I went blue, you will all think "yea he's just into kinky stuff". But listen, every trust I couldn't breath.. he got satisfaction out of it. And then he took what he would do in bed to doing on a regular basis. Including the slapping and choking.. and I can't say I liked it because he had evil in his eyes, he meant to hurt me . Not please me. I was young and confused when I tried to leave he'd grab the biggest kitchen knife and start to slit his arms or neck. I was manipulated to shit. He left me a day after my birthday, I can't know forsure but I know it was sometime in June. I didn't know why, and I still don't know why I love the man. He's abusive emotionally and physically, and all around. I put up with being called ugly and fat everyday. He told me he bought me makeup because I am ugly underneath. He ruined my confidence. Not a good guy. I say he was the root of the start to my addiction because he really was. Stupid enough as it sounds I wanted to walk in his shoes.. see what he's saw, for me to understand why he is the way he is. We were very off and on around this point. First breakup I went out to grab beer, to short form this I ended up running into a girl I knew that I used to have mad beef with,.. and we ran into some guy I used to know that ended up being a drug dealer... she was addicted to meth, she has a beautiful daughter that I call my niece, we ended up at rock bottom together. We both lost everything. Both our family's gave up on us for months. MY ADDICTION AND WHEN AND HOW IT STARTED: I have been doing dope since I was 13, Xtc was my drug of choice, then it was molly,lean,cocaaine, any pills I could get my hands on, alchol. Basically anything that got me fucked up. Why did i start? I cant answer that, ever since i was young ive fantasized about escaping reality and just always feelings good, I was clearly depressed but instead of perscribed meds i chose to self madicate using street drugs, witch left me with psychosis, bad depression, anxiety, panic attacks and i was recently diagnosed bipolar. I didn't get on hard shit till I turned 16. When me and this man were on what i called a break, and i was out getring beer like i mention i ran into this girl then we hung out and ran into this guy. At this point i didnt no she did meth, until she took a rail infront of me. I was mind blown i thought meth made you completly differnt. This older man we ran into, ended up hanging out with us for the night, blah blah blah he sold a belt for dope, we took a taxi from the whore house , ditched it outside an apartment (that reeked like throw up) went inside and he had us work for him, well he was waiting on his buddy (dope dealer) to come by so he could sample his new re-up. He had me and this girl post adds on Craigslist as escorts. (Only in intentions to rob the guy) but we still had to use pictures of ourselves. I was having a cooler. And drinking a 1L 9f vex well everyone was waiting on their dope, I never once thought I'd be doing meth and especially the amount I consumed that day. Buddy guy gets bad starts until packing his pack pulls out stolen checks,IDs, bankcards, alchol, batteries, dope scale. Just a bunch a random things. At this point I had a buzz just a buzz I was totally aware of my surroundings and in control of what I was doing though. Buddy guy pulls out his meth pipe and starts to scrape the rez using a Bobby pin. He got a bunch of bumps set up one for each of us... including me. He wasn't aware if never used meth, but he also wasnt trying to convince me not too. Actually he was convincing me to just take it "its just a small bump" he said. I saw this girl and him both take their hot rails ive heard about them before from my ex.. hotrails are how he got into dope too. And dam did i ever think it was cool as fuxk to see smoke come out well snorting and no feeling the burn od it in my nose. I told myself just once, yes ive seen the comercials but did that stop me? No. Because i didnt no i had addixtion issues at that point. I was 7 months clean, but of course it was all my doing usuing that night. As soon as i took that hot rail. I was fucked, i knew id be hooked. I ended up buying 8 points nit knowing how much the prices are i gave him 40$ a movie giftcard and my bran bew expensive box mod. I was desperate to not come down. If i could go back to that day i first used, i would have went home when my mother called me to come home. Me and my man ended up getting back togther, he was the first petson i tild about doing meth that night, i met up woth him in the morning and he called my mom. My mom balled her eyes out so confused on what to do. Her daughter is doing meth. How could a parent take that in.. but nono that wasnt it katie ended up causing 2000$ worth of damage in her bedroom. Pretty sure i put every body part u could think of through the wall and breaking everything in reach in my small bedroom. I have even pulled of the blinds from my window and my head through the wall more then once that we now need to replace the wall. I smashed a picture of a cat in a frame and used the shards as weapons on myself and others. I went nuts, and this was all over drugs and a boy. Parents ended up calling the cops and they picked me up under the mental heath act and had me put in general psychiatry for 2 weeks. At this point my "man" ex man let's say, moved on.. well I was getting better and staying clean to get him back he was laying with other bitches. He hated me. I don't no why. I dont no what I did, never did and never have. I never got closure.. and let me tell you that straight fucked me up to this day. He won't and hasn't talked to me until recently I made a new fb cause he blocked me on everything and asked if we could be civil he said ya and we had a short talk. But yet, I still don't no why he left. But this gets better when I got clean in hospital I texted him and let him no I'm clean and the respond I got made me loose all hope. He replied, "I don't care go back to dope". And he not only once but multiple times told me to end my life. And I wanted to o oh so fucking wanted to . Death and dope. I wanted them bad. I went on doing meth more and more, hanging with the street people n drug dealers more and more that getting high became a chore. A need. And at this poiny i didnt no i was an addict i was just "doing it for fun" me n this girl were in and oyt of the local whore house cleaning and organizing junk for dope. We always managed to have dope. The more dope I did the more my tolerance went up. The more I needed more. Snorting it wasn't doing the trick for me anymore I was up for days and decided to start smoking it, but I was home in my room without a pipe so I tested put the old tinfoil and hooter method. It worked . A whole new rush, slightly different. And then from there on out I only smoked it and took hot rails. I ended up getting kicked out of my family home to the streets. All my stuff left in the front of the house because I wasn't coming home for curfew or I was coming home high and I have younger siblings in the house. But she did what was best for her and kicked me out. Still there for me . Just taking away the roof over my head and hot water to shower in out of my life. Because those are privileges. That was it. I wanted to be indepented, she tossed ne the ropes.. i then needed to make money. So i msged buddy guy and asked him for help and tips on how to make money, he then told me to come over. I went over and we discussed work. Was it legal? Maybe 13/100%. At only 16 I was moving product that shouldn't even exist. I first became a secretary and worked his phone, then I became someone who bags the dope (let me tell you it's hard being an addict in front of so much dope) I then ended up doing runs for him, then the higher ups met me and took me for a few days to transfer large quantities of dope.. and thats when i first tried fentanyl. I was transfer with a higher up guy and my clueless ass didnt no wtf he was tossing me on tin foil, i thought it aas speed at first. That hit me pretty good. But not once have i over dossed. At that point i was moved into the "trap" or the "shack" I always had dope, everyone wanted to be my frriend. Of course thought. Drugs make us like that .it's like we're conected by magnets were always were the dope is. I got picked up by a higher up dude one night and I was told to pick up our hard (crack) at this point I was doing crack Fent and meth. I'm lucky to be alive. There was this other kid that hung around he was a intervenes user a year younger then I am, doing the same shit, making sales to keep his high up. When I went out I was brought to this really dirty shack, I was helping this guy work by scaling and bagging and labeling, it was a weird house. I heard muffled screams behind this curtain that separates the room as he was showing me weapons.. like weapons to torture.. anyway this guy I guess was really feeling me I ignored the sound of the muffled screams because on speed and Fent I felt immortal I wasn't scared of anything or anything.. this guy tried to get with me and obviously in the situation I was in I said no. Then he tried making me do ghb with him witch is one drug I'll never touch. I ended up staying way later with this guy then I should have, he had me start working his phone and wouldn't let me leave his place. Finally I convinced him to let me go and he got a driver to bring me back to where I was staying by the time I got there I was already super fucking late with the dope I got an 80 rock of hard 2 points of down 2 points of Fent and 4 points of side for working that night. They loved me cause I was an innocent kid with no record. I got there and I was so fucked up on Fent and meth that I was being loud as fuxk trying to get my body over the balcony railing on the first floor into the apartment. (We went through that way) and when I walked in everyone was posses straight pissed. That they didn't get their dope like 5 hours ago. Lots of shit happend in that house I lived at but the most fucked is when I came back with that dope everyone was pissed at me n in a crappie mood the kid younger then me needed his Fent bad and literally threatened me with a dirty used dirty. I ran to the bathroom Sar on the floor and balled my eyes out. I just worked hard and had to put up with this buddy all over me just to get threatened and told to kill myself. I then left the washroom and gave him his dope he shot up 5 ps of meth then a point of Fent he ended up going into straight psychosis. The people there didn't no what to do he was gouging out the skin on his neck and his knee bleeding everyone. Him being totally capable of anything I was the only one that stepped in dragged him to the couch and help him in my arms well he's balling in complete bad trip mode yelling and saying "please don't "persons name" I'm sorry" thinking he was getting attached by this person he earlier almost got a rock to the dome from. Blah blah blah. Okay, the house owner wakes up that morning me n this guy are past out on the couch me still holding him with his arms restrained and she walks out to a bunch of needles thinking I was shooting up too she then threw a plate at my head through all my shit out her front door kicked the shit out of me. Held a knife to my throat leaving scraps from the blade. Me being a careless bitch saying "Do it, fucking take my life then" with a sharp blade and shaky hand to my jug I then got my dad to pick me up. My mom ended up showing to and she called the police, wasn't worth my time to charge her. I don't rat, for even atempted murder. She got off Scott free. But the cops told me I would have to go to the hospital if I didn't give him a video taped report on her. So off to the hospital I went again.. I don't rlly remember much after that my long term memory is fucking fried. Well skip a month or so, I started selling for myself with my best friend as a partner. We were bomb ass little hustlers. Let me tell you. Did that for awhile they my best friend went off to detox and I started flipping dope with this guy "her man" and making him stacks everyday, oh yah I also got fired from my job before that cause I got into heroin, buddy doesn't hire heroin addicts because they just do the dope. I found myself a new job but before flipping with my best friends man i was a runner for the "higher up" guy. I was selling people meth, crack, heroin, Fent, oxys, pills of all kinds, cocaaine anything u could think of I had it for you. Do I feel good about it? No at all. I could have been the one to sell someone dope to have them od and die. I feel like a straight piece of shit for my selfish actions. Lucky enough no one od-d on my dope. When I was selling for my best friends man i ended up get into poking (needles) and to this day I haven't quit yet. There something in the rush that I love. I've been in and out of hospital for drug use none stop. The doctor put me on extended leave with 7 conditions. Not taking meds and no drug use are the hardest ones I have to face. I'm an addict. But right now I'm a recovering addict. Was 9 days clean . 1 slip last night. long story short I went to off to treatment almost a month ago and I was there for 2 and a half months I met a guy he's from van I'm from abby. Fell in love all over again. This guy gave me hope for the future . But we ended up awoling (running away from treatmemt) And going down town east hastings for 2 days getring fucked up.. me doctoring him. Witch I feel so fucking shitty for. Got kicked out of treatment brought back to abby to stay in a youth shelter witch I didn't stay at got back on the streets again witch I forgot to mention i lived on since July and even stayed in a tent with a guy at one point. I really hit rock bottom but now I'm learning to swim to get back to the surface. I can do this. The guy in treatment I was dating ended up leaving me because people told him I'm cheating on him witch I never in the world would do. I never wanated to loose him. Then day after we break up he's in Abby fucking my so called best friend. Dropped them like bad habits. I ended up relapsing last night I'm admitted in the hospital rn so I'm high with nothing to do so I thought I'd write my story for future me and my kids one day. There's always hope