#if it werent for my pets i would if already gone and killed myself | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

learningtocope · 7 years ago

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MAJOR TRIGGER WARNING

I cannot stress enough that this is a major trigger warning for anyone who may stumble apon my blog and see this.

Today was a horrid day. As I write this my eyes are so swollen, red, and sore from crying all day. My arms are sore, for reason I will explain further on. My head is beginning to hurt from the mulitpul day alcohol binge I have been on, including today where I started drinking as soon as I woke up.

Today I almost killed myself.

I woke up to text messages from my brother and my step father about my cat, claiming that I dont care if her because I have been at friends place. The hook? Ive been there almost everyday and fed her and gave her love. So I snapped, in a horrid way and I know what I said can never be taken back. I dont know what to do about it, I guess there is nothing. I told my little brother go to die, that he was a waste if space and skin, that he was a piece of shit. I can never take those words back. I will live forever knowing that I told my little brother to kill himself. After sending those messages a huge realization hit me and it sent me in a crazier loop, those words werent ment for him. They were ment for me. Its what I was thinking about myself and I tossed it my little brother. What fucking kind of human does that? I opened some alcohol and began drinking it from the bottle and chasing it with coffee. I had decided what I was going to do, I deserved worse.

I packed my stuff up and left a note for ny friend explaining that I had to go home to see the cat and do some office work. I live way out of town, about a 2 and half, 3 hour walk. Duffle bag on my shoulder I began walking, I had gone up a couple blocks when someone called out my name. They offered me a ride home and a coffee, so I took the offer. It would get me home quicker and I could enjoy one last coffee. When we pulled into the driveway I was kind of prolonging getting out of the vehicle with conversation. After a few minutes I hopped out, thanked them and told them Id message them later, a lie. Or what I thought would be.

I went into the house dropping my duffle bag on the floor and reaching into it to remove the bottle of alcohol from my bag. At my home I had pepsi so I added that to the bottle and drank it, crying harder than I have in a long time. I want to the office and grabbed the exacto knife that was left in the office from my step dad, I broke off the first 2 and tossed them before breaking one more. I went into the bathroom and cleaned it with peroxide to make sure it was clean. I grabbed my bottle of sleeping pills and sat with both infront of me, drink in hand. My eyes moved from one to the other. I wanted to die, I really did. I mean I still feel super shitty about my self as is still. But I thought about my baby sister, my baby brother, who I know I hurt more than anyone could imagine. My father, my mother, my step father, my best friend. I picked up the piece of exacto blade and began to cut my arms, no not one. Both. Not very deep but enough to make it bleed quite a bit, its likely to scare. I spent from 10am to 2pm crying, drinking, cutting and holding allof my sleeping pills in my hand. I was torn. I needed help. I knew I needed help. If I didnt do it now I knew what was going to happen.

I clicked emergancy call on my phone screen. I requested the ambulance, bawling beyond understandable english. When the dispatcher picked up, I cried harder. She asked what was wrong and I told her I was scared, I was depressed, and I was close to commiting suicide. They asked what my name and address was, ensuring someone was on their way to help me and should arrice soon. She asked me if I was hurt, what was hurt, how it was hurt and how to tend to it until help arrived I couldnt believe it. I called for help myself. Ive never done that.

Within a few minutes, I was standing outside still on the phone with the dispatcher, crying still, and lighting a cigarette. I had taken one drag when the first cruiser pulled in, Then the ambulance followed by another office and paramedic. One of the two paramedics left when they saw I was being taken care of already by the first. After I was cleaned up and bandaged the officers came inside with me as I went to find my health card.

They found the pills on the counter and asked if I had taked any. I said no, bit I was going to. She took the bottle and brought it with us. The car ride was hell. Being bandaged on my lower arms caused people in the emergancy room to stare, oh! And Im sure the officer escorts didnt help that matter. The nurses were quick, getting me in and looked at. I requested to call my best friend, and to call my mother for me as there was no I could tell her what happened at that time. My friend rushed to the emerg room and ran down to my room, she hugged me bawling. She asked me what happened, why? I told her simply, I beat myself up alot and I took it out on my brother. On top of waking up already angry and being accused of being a bad pet owner, the realization of the words being the ones my brain was screaming at me for weeks now. It wasnt an excuse to do or say the things I did to him. I know what it feels like to be told that by other people, but never family. And I guarantee that would hurt alot more. I love my little brother more than words can describe, I cannot stress that enough. Weve finally started to get along better and now Ive totally ruined it. Ive lost one of my only friends and I know it. I know my mother heard about it before she had gotten the call. I dont understand why I do the things I do, things like what I did today. I hurt one of the people I love most, it seems to be a talent of mine. Hurting those I love to push them away.

I did not tell this to the nurses, doctor, or my new social worker. But I told my best friend as I crumpled infront of her. They made me give them a urine sample and have blood work done. They didnt believe I hadnt done any hard drugs or taken any of the sleeping pills. The emerg doctor came in shortly after and assesed me again to make sure there were no changes in my behaviour or movements that would suggest I was not okay. She booked me an appointment to see the doctor inplace of mine as shes on mat-leave to reasses my medication. My socail worker agreed to have me released today, having to agree to meeting with him again on saturday, following thru with my consling, and a few other things.

My mother had called me back at the hospital as she hadnt picked up when the officer called so was left a message. All she had to say was 3 different things; “You should be admitted” “Why didnt you call me?” “If you had come camping this wouldnt have happened.” I had no words, I started each response and stopped after a few words. I knew it would cause a fight. “You should be admitted” something else you dont want to hear from a family member. She says way more often than one should. “Why didnt you call me?” Please refer to the first sentance spoken to me. Thats why. You tell me Im rediculous, I wont do it, Im over dramatic. Why WOULD I call someone who, when Ive reached out to them before in a time of need, said those things to me every time Ive called them for help. “If you had come camping this wouldnt have happened.” False. Feelings dont just disappear because you camping. Id still feel the same way, still have access to the same medication. The only difference? My only choice would have been the medication.

She asked me to call her and let her know what happens. I told her I was released, she sighed in frustration and asked why they didnt keep me. I told her about the plan that was laid out to help me, help myself. Her and the rest of my imedate family had gone camping for a week. She told me she was coming home early, I was hoping she was gonna say the reason was she wanted to make sure I was okay. My hope was wasted. She was coming home early because it was muddy and that she had other plans now for herself for the week. My heart broke..

So now, Im laying on the pull out couch in my bestfriends living room, eyes swollen, puffy and weak. My arms aching and bandaged, bruised where they took my blood. My brain still running lose on itself, exhausted beyond belief and unable to fall asleep.

I hate my self. I really do.

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