#if it wasn’t for the payrise I am getting next year I would have fucking quit

[hellsbellssinclub]

Fuck essays. Fuck studying. Why did I choose to do this to myself? Why?

This essay is doing my head in and I just wanna 🙃🙃🙃

And once the essay is done I have to fucking make a brochure to go with it. Because apparently a part of doing a fucking bachelor degree in nursing means I must make a brochure. For Telehealth or something idk I haven’t looked at that yet. I just know I have to do it and I hate it.

[editorialsonlife]

Well

Welp, feeling like doing an update because there's been a lot going on to be honest. its one of those weird dichotomies where every day feels like an eternity and there's so much going on and then you look back and you're like oh, ok its just my brain making it difficult and making things take forever but anyway.

LOCKDOOOOOOOWWWWWWNNNNNNN

Lockdown life was good, apart from being thrust into it so suddenly dave left a banana on his desk. Wasn't great to come back to after 5 weeks out of the office - mummified mouldy banana!! Classic. We luckily got our first jab before lockdown started so that was good, and we were reasonably well stocked up on food and were generally a lot healthier this lockdown that last. honestly, there's a level of chill and serenity in lockdown that i just love. the ability to set my own schedule and only work the hours I actually work to get the job done? Amazing. getting 8.5 hours of sleep each night without having to wake to an alarm blaring? AMAZING. getting to go for walks every afternoon? SO FLIPPING GOOD. I love it so much, I really really do. I need this to be my life permanently.

WORK

Work is just ongoing and draining and honestly, coming back to the office was so fucking stressful and it was only one day. Being at home is just the fucking bomb. Pending home decisions, I wanna go contracting I think, but also ideally two part time contracts to have more flexibility? I dunno. You'd think a big 4 would provide variety but it really doesn't and honestly, with Richie leaving, wellington is just a sinking ship. Sean's off on parental leave, Kirstyn is down to four days a week, ben will be gone if he doesn't get promoted (and I don't think he will be tbh). Jack is just muddling along, Nigel wants to swap to consulting as well, Matt's going to be a shit leader in terms of bringing in work so it's just not going to work. and in our wider group it's going to get even more messy with heaps of the analysts leaving and a couple of senior hires too. so I think it's probably time to jump ship in general, pending the home stuff below. Also, coming back after a break again, I'm like, I don't actually like a lot of you? All the people I enjoy here are in other teams and groups, and I'll be sad to leave you all, but like, not enough to stay anyway lol.

Pending the home below, two options are to just going and get a job with a $30k payrise to make up for the maternity leave benefits I'm gunna leave behind when I leave this role - 18 weeks full pay, $100 a week for the first year back and a full year of maternity leave. It's basically 30k post tax which is a bit nuts to walk away from to be honest.

Otherwise the other option is to go contracting. Less security overall but holy shit so much money. If I went in as a project coordinator at the lowest rate to build up a bit of a portfolio I'd need to work 40 weeks of 40 hr weeks and Id basically match my current salary plus the lost family leave benefits and still qualify for govt maternity leave payments. Realistically I could go in as a project manager for $140 an hour ($60 more an hour than the above math) and absolutely smash it at that level as well so ya know, there's a bunch of other info. I like the idea of the flexibility of it and only having 6 months even if its a shitshow and beign able to walk away at the end of it. I really don't want to get a govt job and this is a v govt town which is fine but also, if I can avoid it that would be great. I just know I'm not gunna thrive in that environment.

Need to talk to Dave to get him across the line on the security issue part of that though. I've mostly come a long way in terms of my financial management (thanks YNAB) so I think he'd be ok with it mostly.

So there's a lot to toss up there because......

HOME

We got the reno plans done during lockdown, finally. which was super good. but holy fkn jesus $$$$$$ ++++++++++. The guy is coming around for the final quote on Thursday. We indicatively said $100k total because we're doing kitchen laundry bathroom and toilet. so only the most expensive rooms and when I was talking to him last week he said 'that might cover it' and they're seeing cost escalations of 7-10% a week which is just insane. we're not doing anything structural apart from putting in a cavity slider in the bathroom, and the quote they'll give us won't include flooring since they won't do it.

Meanwhile, the prefab homes I were looking at for our site were $425k fully done. Like, I'm not going to spend $130K on doing up my 1940s ex state house ya know? That's not good cost benefit ratio.

So depending on what that comes out at on thursday we'll be able to make some plans.

We also want to start trying for kids next year and need these renos done first - I am not having kids and no dishwasher lol.

Also we need bank financing so good to be in a permanent stable job for that application. the good thing is we have so much equity we know we can borrow whatever we need, I just don't want to spend that much money on it because it's fkn ridiculous. and if I'm going on maternity leave we need to be able to cover it all on dave's salary and whatever benefits I have as well so there;s a lot of financial planning and spreadsheeting going on at the moment lol. it's fab.

either way. we've got plenty of options up our sleeve. we've got friends who's brother owns a building company so we can talk to them, we've got the garage so we can get things prefabricated even if they're not installed til next year, Dave can get shit at cost through his work for whiteware, there;s plenty of things to like cost control we can do, we just need to know where we're starting from basically. thats the challenging part. but we'll figure it out, its just taking longer than I want it to basically.

We also planted up the vege garden for the spring/summer which was lovely, super jazzed about that. we've finally got the garden to a reasonably low maintenance level where everything is mostly under control and it's such a relief, honestly.

PERSONAL

Man what a shift to lockdown last year honestly. I think the last 8 weeks in particular has just been like, a massive reality check of how absolutely shit the last year was and how fucking glad I am to be rid of it. I spent a week absolutely spiralling 2 weeks ago now and honestly, I don't know how I lived in the state for more than a year. I actually don't know how I did it. and I could not be more glad that I'm finally on the other side of it, for the most part. There's still a bunch of other stuff to work through (hahahahahaha when is there not like damn) but fucking hell its nice to just not be anxious and nauseous and wound up constantly. life is actually accessible. miracle.

My workmate had his bebe - I went round and got newborn cuddles and was like, oh, is this what it is to be clucky? this is odd. so there's that as well. I think we'll probably start trying next year pending renos and jobs etc. If the renos can be done in jan I'll prob just stick it at the job to get the benefits but I dunno. it's a tough call to make really. we shall see. This all assumes we get knocked up without any issues which is questionable these days. I really want to feel healthier before getting pregnant as well, and part of that is losing weight. however, given discussing that is what triggered the spiral we're working on that one slowly.

Also, lets have a moment for counselling, because fkn bless anne and all her hard work honestly. I actually ended up emailing her being like, I;m losing my shit on the monday and then talked to her on thursday. And its so funny because it's such a counselling thing but I didn't realise until afterwards what she'd done but she was like you're clearly not doing well and then the night before dave got a fkn miserable migraine and he was up for like, 2 hrs powerchucking except he didn't make it to the bathroom in time so guess who was cleaning up vomit at 130am trying not to chuck herself but I digress. anyway, not doing well, couldn't even explain why, didn't even have words and super tired and she's like, what lynaire up to this week how's she going with izzy and chat about that and then be like how are you feeling about your body and then 5 more mins of chat about the cat and the chickens and then like bam hard question and then hows it going with x and y and z and its like, it wasn't til I was on my walk afterwards when I FINALLY started feeling marginally better I was like damn woman work your magic for figuring it out for me and helping me reregulate. all over the phone as well since we were still in lockdown. GREAT WORK FRIEND.

and then last week was like totally fucked theoretical discussion about religion and the role it's played in my life and fate vs free will and all this nutty shit but genuinely just a great discussion. She's the best and I love her. thank good for good counsellors. thank god I can afford to pay for it honestly.

Dave and I are just chugging along, god bless that man. I love him. its amazing. I miss having friends close by but understand why they had to move (boooooo f u house prices). Family is pretty chill, still not really talking to dave's parents which is nightmarish but we'll deal with that when we need to. gunna have to go and visit them at some point coz dave misses them and I feel for him, I really do. It's the whole boundaries renegotiation I went through with my family last year post wedding blow up and its just not a fun place to be. oh well. can't fix it for him but also I'm not putting up with that level of BS from either of our families once we have children. not gunna happen.

Either way, life is busy and full and fun and I'm enjoying it. Daylight savings starts this weekend too, its october next week WTF and I'm just waiting for 4pm to find out what's gunna happen to our girls trip. Clearly we cancelled our sept trip to christchurch and akaroa and hanmer springs so my covid travel curse continues. fkn ridic. Still dunno what we're gunna do with $2500 of flight credits coz if we get knocked up theres def no international trips happening any time soon.

thus concludes the almost 2000 word write up of life. hope you've enjoyed it. I'll throw up some pics in a separate post if people care about reno plans. such a good time!

[angelicfangirl]

INCOMING RANTY POST TIME IVE HELD OFF FOR WEEKS AND IM STARTING TO REALLY CRACK WOOOOOOO. 

But no I swear I am fine, and actually fine at that! I just need a venting space LET’S GO MOTHERFUCKERS

First of all I am definitely ok and mentally strong and whatnot, just stressed! AND IF MAGICAL FAIRY BEINGS SEND ME MORE CHOCOLATES I SHALL SCOLD THEM IMMENSELY I’m not as bad at the moment just a little stressed if I think about it for too long!

BASICALLY since last year I’ve made it clear to my bosses I want to be promoted to assistant manager. Another girl made it clear she wanted it around the same time. You can guess where this is going!

But in my work’s defence, it’s not like there was a position in particular we were competing for. If we were ready they would promote us. (They are bad at keeping top level under control at my office lol) And they reassured us it wasn’t a competition.  BUT IT ALSO ABSOLUTELY FUCKING WAS.

I had a three week holiday in Jan/Feb and got back to an email to the office announcing some promotions...including my now arch-nemesis, RN. The email was sent like two days after I went on leave (I was assured this was not a factor in their decision. I do not entirely believe this. She had apparently been pushing since December). ALSO! Turns out! She is actually pregnant and going on maternity leave in July/August. Which she told them in the meeting after they promoted her. JOKES ON FUCKING YOU GUYS. SHE KNEW THIS AND PUSHED FOR THIS REASON AND I LEGIT DONT TRUST HER ANYMORE. (i’m not supposed to know this stuff but honestly fuck her)

And our only fulltime manager will be going on maternity leave in June. And a part-time manager is currently on maternity leave until January. So basically the last six months of this year they are FUCKED and I’m dying laughing in both hilarity and rage. 

I’ve had official meetings with both my bosses about my chances and what needs to happen and I’m still so bloody angry about the whole thing. Essentially like 95% of my work is in a specialist area, and my general knowledge has fallen behind DESPITE THE FACT IVE BEEN TELLING THEM THIS FOR FOUR FUCKING YEARS and so even though I essentially act as an assistant manager in the specialist area they want me to do more in the general area to get considered. Because the general area is where they need me. And the managing partner who actually makes the promotion decisions works in the general area (and the only job I’ve worked on with him was one where the departing senior manager totally fucked me over and he keeps mentioning that one and I’m like BUT THAT WAS ONLY ONCE YOU FUCKER)

And now I’m worried I don’t have enough time before our next annual reviews (June) to get the promotion they should’ve fucking given me in the first place. My entire career to date is getting dumped in an area and just fucking learning it as I go because there’s been no one to teach me. No-one can duplicate my specialist knowledge. If I left they would 100% have to replace me and my skillset. IF THEY PROMOTED ME I WOULD LEARN AND I WOULD LEARN FAST. I could do the job, I know I could, I just need them to trust me damnit.

And if they don’t promote me now and I have to wait (like I’m pretty fucking sure I’m going to have to at this rate) it’s going to be either ignoring the prime opportunity of giving me the work to do while the managers are on maternity leave or giving me the work but not the promotion OR THE FUCKING PAYRISE BECAUSE THEY FUCKING UNDERPAY ME ENOUGH AS IT IS. And then if I have to wait they’ll all be back and they won’t need me to do all this work anyway! IT WILL BE A WASTE OF TIME. 

I’m so angry that I have to push them and be seen as this bratty person to get recognition that I’m bloody owed, but also a tiny bit grateful this is pushing me to do it, but also so angry and tired about the entire thing. 

I don’t want to start somewhere else. I like my job, I honestly do. I like my work, my clients, my boss, most of my coworkers - and if I do go somewhere else I will have to start from scratch with all of that. I don’t have the experience necessary to step into the role I want somewhere else without that trust and client knowledge behind me. I don’t have the desire to learn to navigate a whole new system and be unable to meet the niche I do here. 

So basically I am a giant ball of stress and rage but I haven’t stress cried since that first day back BUT ALSO I WANNA WRITE AND ITS MAKING IT FUCKING HARD TO CONCENTRATE ON WRITING CALLI/ARCANN FLUFF WHEN I’M A BUNDLE OF DISASTER. 

At least all my managers are fully aware of what I want now and I’m being way more clear in my demands. And potentially far snarkier. But you know what they deserve it.