#if i'm still thinking about it tomorrow maybe i'll draw my own version of a toy usul

[neoluca]

:((( just saw what the toy usul looks like and that is unfortunately one of the ugliest things i've ever seen

[awwyeah107]

So...I haven't made any fan art in years. And I haven't ever posted it online. But here I am with some drawings of a dress for a fanfic author's OC, and I'm quite happy with them.

These are some mockups of a dress that I pictured Mellótë wearing; she's an OC in the Silmarillion fanfic Daughters of Therindë by @darkfrozenabyss.

(I tried to draw Mellotë's face and hair. I really did. However, that gave me a lot of trouble, so in the end I decided it was okay to simply have the dresses be on a model XD Perhaps one day I'll try to actually draw her features.)

Made with the app Sketchbook on my dad's iPad.

Skirt design (and part of the first top design) is based off this dress. The second top design is completely mine. The third top design with the veil is based off of this other dress, and the fourth is the same thing without the veil.

Further description of why I made these, their inspiration, and my process below the cut :)

This came from a conversation in the comments of chapter 11 of Daughters of Therindë. In my comment, I mentioned that I had noticed a line about Mellótë's hair brushing her shoulder, and it prompted me to ask about what she was wearing. darkfrozenabyss replied, "I was picturing something gauzy and light pink, a one-shoulder gown that flares more at the bottom."

After that conversation, the next time I got onto Tumblr, I got an ad featuring the dress below that immediately made me think of that description—except for the fact that it was not one-shoulder.

It made me think, "Hmm, what would it look like if that was one-shoulder? What would it look like if she did wear it?" And thus my idea to draw the dress was born.

As mentioned above, I used the app Sketchbook to create the drawings. I imported that photo of the dress into the app as a layer, and I traced over the dress and the girl wearing it in a new layer. Then I made use of copious layers to get the texture and design of the skirt the way I wanted it to look.

I had had a couple ideas for what the top design would look like, and I worked on those designs after the skirt. My immediate thought was to move one of the wrap-around sleeves (I'm not sure what to call them) from the original dress up onto the shoulder and make it a bit thicker, so that is the first top design. I also had the idea to make a small little ruffle sleeve over the shoulder with a flower or brooch connected to a top without any additional texture. After I made those, I felt like there was still another possible design I could do that would look/fit better, so I scrolled through the dress website for one-shoulder dresses to use as inspiration. I found this dress with a veil (linked above as well) and really liked it, so I imported one of the photos and loosely traced it. Then I adjusted the tracing and added my own texturing and color to it. I think the design works both with and without the veil, so I included both versions.

Also, I had started on this drawing at around midnight on a Saturday night, thinking "Oh, I'll just start this and then continue tomorrow." Then after intensely focusing on getting the skirt coloring and texture down, I decided I should check the time (it doesn't show in the app for some reason)...and saw it was nearly 3 AM. XD I did continue the next day, gave it a rest for a couple days, came back to it, and then gave it a couple more days' rest and decided the designs looked complete enough that I was ready to post them.

From scrolling through darkfrozenabyss' drawings on Tumblr, I think the third or fourth designs would most likely be what Mellótë would wear out of these designs. Maybe the fourth more than the third. What do you think @darkfrozenabyss? I could be totally wrong in my guess, or maybe none of them would be anything close to what she would wear. XD

Anyway, it was a lot of fun working on these! I'm quite happy with how they turned out. I particularly love the bottom edges of the skirt—I feel like I was able to capture some of the gauzy layers. This is also the first time I've ever done really dedicated digital art, so I enjoyed the experience.

[mollydollyjournals]

I'm 155.2lbs so back under 156 🎉 I really hope these scales are accurate. If so they're pretty awesome and I love having everything just there in the app rather than having to remember it and write it down and draw up my own graphs etc (it's these for anyone interested)

I noticed my body fat and stuff was also going down which is good, but then I decided to have a look at some of the other individual readings:

I don't really know what the number is supposed to actually be for visceral fat. Pounds? It's not specified. I guess if it were pounds it'd have a decimal. But it's gone from 9 to 8 and I was worried about having a lot of visceral fat so it's good that my number isn't very high. I'd definitely like for it to be a lot lower but this is better than I thought it'd be

I hadn't realised my body water was only just in the acceptable range. I guess it makes sense as I don't drink much water and have a lot of coffee or sometimes alcohol. Definitely need to do better on that one. It just always feels like such a chore to stay hydrated. Everyone says you get used to it but I never have, it just stays a chore the whole time. Anyway I guess I still have to keep trying

Skeletal muscle being low is...weird. For one thing I hadn't realised that's what the blue meant. The colour coding here implies that having a low skeletal muscle percentage is good? I don't really know. I don't understand this one. I guess I'll go look it up in a bit.

So. I'm super tired today. Suuuuper tired. Probably because I drank a bit yesterday. I was kind of trying to see how much I could drink seeing as my tests all said I'm fine. But I'm definitely still not fine. I had just under 2 units and I felt terrible and now I have a hangover. One hand is a little yellow again. Idk. There doesn't seem to be much I can do about that anymore, unless my doctor knows of something else. But I doubt it. So I'm just going to act according to my symptoms, which means moderate drinking etc.

Today I want to not drink anything. I have a bit left over from yesterday but I might just pour it away. I have more cans in storage but I won't want to open them for no reason. So I want to not drink today and hopefully have the energy to work out tomorrow. I might try to take a short walk today if I'm able.

I'm really hungry and it's annoying me. As in craving. I know exactly what I'm craving and it's not necessarily unhealthy but just...I already had a less healthy breakfast than I would want so I kind of feel like not eating the rest of the day. That's what I did yesterday (I had the bit of alcoholic fruit drinks so it wasn't a fast, I just didn't actually eat). Alternatively if I had the money and energy I could make myself a low cal soup version of what I want. But I'm really tired and in that case maybe I should just stick with nothing. But then maybe I'm risking binging. Ugh. I'm gonna have to think of acceptable foods for today. I really don't want my weight to bounce back up tomorrow. Originally I wanted to be at 140-145 by the end of January but of course I've had barely any change again. I need to stop drinking so I have the energy to work out and make decent foods. That's my best bet. But I shouldn't fuck it up in the meantime.

On the plus side, I just took some semi-nudes to test...I definitely look better. Still horrible. But I'm getting my shape back. I got a massive belly bulge these past couple of years, and the past few months I've kind of gone from ( . ) to | . | which is an improvement. I look like...chunky curvy. As opposed to just a lump all over. So I think with some proper angles and tbh probably some retouching, I could take some nudes and like... actually flirt properly with bf again. It's been a while since I did that. During a pandemic it's something that I should really do more, and I've wanted to, I just hate my body. But my torso is definitely smaller than it was. I can literally feel it. I won't say I slept well because I hardly ever sleep well for all kinds of reasons, but it's so much more comfortable lying down now because my belly isn't hanging over and my back fat isn't bunching up. I feel a lot smaller and it's so much nicer. Just need to do more to get back to where I was, then do more to finish up.

[jakesanxietydiary]

5/7/2020

1:56 AM I havn't written here in a while. My thoughts have kind of not felt like my own like, the act of thinking feels labored and mitigated by all of the constant analyzing I do and tension I hold as I continue to try to search for myself. Things have been better since starting Abilify. I feel like its helping me be less depressed without the insanity that the welbutrine was causing. I've been able to do a lot more even if I cant say I enjoy it. Theres still some latent feeling thats holding me back all the time. Today I impulsively invited John over. We hung out for maybe 4 or 5 hours trading pokemon and playing Kirby and watching youtube videos. Id be lying if I said I got the same good feeling I used to get from being with friends but its also a good thing that I keep proving to myself that seeing them isn't going to kill me.

Its annoying though for my first thought about anything I start to think about doing is "I dont know, Im not in the mood." Im never in the mood. Its really difficult. On the brighter side, Im able to look at the brighter side, lol. I spend a lot less time holding my mom back, Im able to get myself through the day even if it feels kind of blank and hollow. Im not having days where I cant get out of bed anymore. I guess the only problem is feeing really emotionally out of touch and stunted, and also some energy issues like weird body sensations which I've been trying to mitigate with the acupressure tool and tapping and self talk.

Ive been drawing some too. Tomorrow is my brother-in-law to be's birthday and I decided to do a caricature of him. I watched a few tutorial videos on how to do caricatures and tried my best. I think it turned out pretty good, everyone tells me it looks just like him. My online friend Ryan and I also arranged an "art swap" its a lot to explain but I'll do the abridged version: Someone called Tay a "fat tranny" today in a comment on a short film she made. It pissed me off so hard I hatched the idea of a drag queen slasher named Trachea Slicer. Im terrible at coming up with compelling narratives though I can hatch a mean concept. I told Ryan if I could get ahold of some money I'd love for him to write the backstory and vengeful slaughter Trachea would enact upon these homophobic horror fans and Ryan suggested we do a swap. I'll do illustrations of some of his original characters and he'll do a mock-up/outline of the story of Trachea Slicer. It actually has me a little excited in the weird half way I can feel such a thing. Ive never done an art swap before. I think things are looking up. I have some confidence that I'm not going to hit those extreme lows again, or the amount of irritation and anxiety that put me in Sheppard Pratt. Knowing that, I think things are going to come back bit by bit until I finally feel that shift where Im back in myself and ready to push forward with life.

Anxiety: 4

Depression: 5

body sensations: 6