#if i wasnt afraid of being perceived then this blog would be nothing but the brothership tag for 4-5 business days.

[maraschinotopped]

dear god theyre multiplying

[shades-of-grayro]

i really hate how the aspec community is at each other's throats lately but i feel like it's such a recent thing. a year ago this just wasnt happening and then suddenly this person comes along and starts pitting alloaros against aces. before the blog quiet-times was around no one had any issues and then suddenly theres all these problems magically appearing out of thin air. i've identified as aroace for 3 years and been on tumblr for much longer (1/?)

and i NEVER saw any of these issues that they bring up constantly. i think that yeah some people are terrible but at this point it's a such a small portion of the community that it just doesn't matter but they make it seem like its everyone but they're just trying to get tumblr discourse points. it doesn't help that theyre so violent towards aces and constantly attack anyone who disagrees with them. (2/2)           

sorry for the rant but i just had to get this out and you were the only person i felt i could tell this to. and i didnt want to post about it on my blog because i'm genuinely afraid of them attacking me and sicking their deranged followers on me            

I can definitely relate with not wanting to directly confront that particular user. To be fair, I don’t think they genuinely hate aces, but they do seem to see everything as black-and-white, and when they say “aces” (as in “aces shut up”) it does tend to mean “people who disagree with me”, as they seem totally fine with aces writing to agree with them (and not okay with allo aros disagreeing, the couple of times it’s happened).

--

I will say that when you say “a year ago this just wasn’t happening” that’s not actually true, though I believe that’s your perception of it. A year ago this was actually at its height, and I took a two-month hiatus from tumblr exactly because this was happening (see: Feb. 2019 Carnival of Aros). Though the voices that used to be the loudest and angriest are much quieter now, I think because they’ve gotten a bit more involved in activism and have found a productive outlet for that (understandable) frustration.

I’d say this current environment has been building for about the past two years, though the lack of allo aro representation within the aro community has been an issue that’s been on my radar since I joined this blog five years ago. So I think the feeling of “this is just popping up now” is probably just that you managed to avoid noticing it until now, not that it wasn’t happening.

--

I also want to affirm that there are significant intracommunity issues that allo aros face, even if you aren’t seeing the ones that quiet-times is complaining about. I’ve personally heard other aces say some nasty things about allo aros. Honestly my biggest criticism with the issues that are brought up most often (by everyone, not just quiet-times) are that they’re like... the least serious of the issues that could be addressed?

Like, the kind of issues I’ve seen are aces saying things like “well allo aros have hookup spaces like tinder and dances so do they really need aro community spaces?” and “If we invite allo aros into this space, then it’s going to turn into a hookup space and I won’t feel safe”. I kid you not - other than the paraphrasing, these are real things I’ve heard irl aces say.

But then the issue I see talked about most is mistagging which is like... 1) no longer an issue, 2) it’s mostly non aces doing it, and 3) half of the posts they target aren’t mistagged they just don’t get it. Why is this what they’re focusing on? (And sometimes straight-up made-up issues like “aces stealing aro terms” that were created by aces in the first place smh.)

And this weakens their argument in the eyes of people like you, because when all the things you see them complaining about are questionable at best, you stop believing them.

--

Then my second issue is that they (and again, I mean multiple people here), act as though being allo aro makes them immune to being acephobic, or that since they perceive aces as oppressing allo aros, it’s not possible for them to be acephobic, which just... isn’t true (and I think they know that?).

Like a lot of the criticisms of queeragamic were uncomfortably close to the classic “asexuality is tmi; don’t tell me about your sex life.” Which... you can complain about the word without... saying that? Thanks?

Speaking of queeragamic, there was also a lot of generalizing that ALL aces will immediately flock to that word. Which, if they stopped telling aces to shut up for one minute and engaged in a conversation with them about the term, they’d realize that the vast majority of aces (at least within the circles I talk to) dislike the word queeragamic, meaning they’re fretting (and harassing people) over nothing. And it’d be a whole lot less stress on them honestly.

--

I will say that whatever nonsense has been happening lately with allegedly ace people trying to join allo aro community spaces is pretty messed up. I say allegedly because it’s so ridiculous that I have a hard time believing that the people pulling this actually believe the things they are saying - it just seems like they want to make allo aros feel unsafe and/or stir up community drama. Which seems like something that a non-ace/aro aphobe would be as likely to do as a misguided/hateful ace person.

--

Lastly, I highly recommend just blocking people or taking a break from tumblr. I don’t take my own advice when it comes to ace and aro intracommunity issues (until someone devolves into sending me anon hate), but I really recommend that you do so. It will be so much better for your mental well-being.