#if i was going to make a comprehensive list of media that queer youth should have to watch

[masterroadtripper]

Con O'Neill as Michael in Scarborough Ahoy (1996)

(Remaining screenshots below cut)

[nerdygaymormon]

What do you think about the possible excommunication of Natasha Helfer?

Before this week, the only thing I knew about Natasha Helfer is I’d read an article she’d written about masturbation being part of normal sexual development, and she doesn’t see it as sinful. I agree with her. 

Because of the publicity surrounding her summons to a membership council, I now know much more about her. 

She made a video about being summoned to a membership council scheduled for April 18th. For starters, a stake where she hasn’t lived since 2019 has decided to do this, which seems strange to me. 

Here’s the things the summons letter cites as “misconduct”:

Support for same-sex marriage

Teaching that masturbation is part of a normative sexual-development journey and should not be seen as “sin” or as a reason to keep our youth from being considered worthy to serve or church activities

Her stances on sexually-explicit materials, aka pornography (she believes this is because she educates about using a values model vs an addiction model in the treatment of such concerns)

She’s been critical of Church leaders

Concerns she has encouraged people to leave the Church 

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I went to section 32.6 of the General Handbook which lists the things someone may face a membership council. Frankly, the things listed in the letter sent to Natasha Helfer are not found in the Handbook. 

I suppose these could fit under the charge of “Apostasy,” because she publicly declares opinions different from the Church. Here’s what the Handbook says constitutes apostasy:

Repeatedly acting in clear and deliberate public opposition to the Church, its doctrine, its policies, or its leaders

Persisting in teaching as Church doctrine what is not Church doctrine after being corrected by the bishop or stake president

Showing a pattern of intentionally working to weaken the faith and activity of Church members

Continuing to follow the teachings of apostate sects after being corrected by the bishop or stake president

Formally joining another church and promoting its teachings (Total inactivity in the Church or attending another church does not by itself constitute apostasy. However, if a member formally joins another church and advocates its teachings, withdrawing his or her membership may be necessary.)

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Natasha Helfer is a well-known LDS marriage counselor and certified sex therapist in Utah. She’s written several articles that have been widely read. She’s been a recurring guest on the Mormon Mental Health podcast, Mormon Matters and appeared on many other podcasts. 

She’s particularly sought out because of her training & expertise and her experiences in helping members of the Church overcome their sense of shame regarding sexuality. 

As a marriage counselor, she helps couples where one or both goes through a faith crisis, she says she doesn’t encourage anyone to leave the Church but honors their choices and helps them work through their thoughts & feelings, and also the effect it has on their marriage.  

Because of the news about her being summoned for a membership council, I’ve learned more about her positions. Here’s a list of some of the things I’ve seen in her writing: 

Sex Ed in Utah public schools should be comprehensive and accurate

Sexual assault is a crime & should be talked about as such

The LDS Church should know how to address sexual misconduct and sexual assault much better than it currently does

We should embrace and minister to our trangender neighbors, not fear them and make church difficult for them

Excommunication is cruel and unusual punishment which often is a traumatic experience used by the Church to silence its critics

Service Missions should be setup to be meaningful and seen as equal to proselyting missions

LGBTQ+ members should be affirmed and included in their faith community

LDS teachings & messages to LGBTQ+ members is akin to bullying and has real-world consequences on their mental health & lives

Fear of the BYU Honor Code actually causes many to not seek repentance for fear of academic punishment

The Church teaching that only certain families that fit the mold will get to enjoy the afterlife together is harmful. Mormon Heaven = Sad Heaven. She lists many groups who are harmed by this teaching, including: mixed-faith families, LGBTQ+ individuals & their families, families where someone struggles with addiction, single-parent families, families trying to deal with abuse & trauma, families dealing with mental health conditions such as bi-polar or impulse-control, family survivors of someone who died by suicide

When the Church rescinded the policy of exclusion against gay couples and their children, it should have been accompanied by an apology, not just a brief statement of the announcement with no explanation for the change

Social media isn’t the problem, how we use it is. If we’re keeping in touch with family & friends with whom we otherwise wouldn’t because of distance, accessing support you wouldn’t find in your area, obtaining ideas & resources, these are good. Comparing ourselves to others’ “best selves”, debating others, writing mean comments and such are not helpful. Too often people behave differently online than they do in person

We should wish people well when they leave our church and faith community and wish them well on their spiritual journey. We do a good job at celebrating newcomers even though many of them had to say goodbye to something in order to say hello to us

We need to speak of abortion more than as if anyone who gets one is evil. Even the Church’s position makes room for abortion in certain circumstances and we should be more nuanced in how we speak of it

Biological sex and gender are not binary. This may be LDS doctrine but the sciences of Biology and Psychology say otherwise

She supported the law ending conversion therapy in Utah of LGBTQ+ people

Racism is a public health emergency in the USA, racism is more than hate, it’s in our systems. It’s in our scriptures, our folklore, our culture, our history

Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. It’s acceptance and moving forward

She also has many articles & podcasts about improving marriage relationships, how to talk with your child about sex, tips for a mixed-faith marriage and similar topics directly related to her job as a marriage counselor and sex therapist.

I’m very impressed, from what I see. She is a tremendous force for good in our LDS community. We need people willing to speak the truth. 

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Here’s two articles that especially impressed me. 

First is one is about masturbation, how it’s a legitimate way to meet one’s needs and some of the many benefits associated with sexual release. 

Second is one about pornography, the LDS culture gives pornography more power than it deserves with our blanket bans, secrecy & shaming, and calling virtually all porn viewing an addiction.

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Frankly, based on what I post on my blog, I could be charged with all the same things that Natasha Helfer is being charged with.

Do I support same-sex marriage? Yes. Absolutely.

Do I think masturbation is a sin? No, and I think many Church websites, publications, and the General Handbook back up this view. 

Is masturbation a normal part of sexual development? Yes. And it has many benefits for individuals, especially singles like me, and even within a marriage

Is porn always wrong? I definitely can think of ways porn can be included inside a healthy marriage, perhaps as a way to help a partner get “in the mood,” or for someone with a higher libido to use along with masturbation, as part of foreplay, or even getting some ideas to spice up their love life. 

Have I been critical of Church leaders? You betcha. I think they’re wrong on LGBTQ+ topics and I say so. 

Do I encourage people to leave the Church? I don’t view myself this way, although I wouldn’t say that I try to get them to stay, either. It’s their path to walk. I know most LGBTQ+ people leave the Church, it’s the way our journeys normally go. I feel God has told me it’s fine for me to leave this church, so in no way do I think poorly of people who leave. This church isn’t ready for queer people and I don’t think God requires us to remain some place that harms us.

My understanding is we’re allowed to have beliefs that differ from the Church, as long as we’re not recruiting people to our side. Simply sharing your opinion or some differences in how you view things shouldn’t be something we can be punished for.

I suppose the difference between her and me is she’s seen as a high-profile individual and she’s using her credentials to give weight to her opinions, and I’m just some rando gay guy who has a blog.

[corneliussteinbeck]

Gender 101 and How to Be An Ally

At Girls Gone Strong we believe there is no wrong way to have a body and recognize that everyone who identifies as a woman is a “real woman.”

  As someone who works with and advocates for transgender and gender nonconforming youth, I really value this particular statement from the GGS mission.

GGS believes in helping women become our best, most authentic selves, and in uplifting other women to do the same. Understanding the complexities of gender and gender identity can be a critical part of affirming someone’s authentic self.

Though transgender and gender nonconforming folks are more visible in the media, pop culture, and American political landscape than ever before, not everyone spends a lot of time thinking about the complexities of gender. There is a lot to unpack from behind the words “gender” and “gender identity,” and we aren’t generally taught these things unless we take a women’s studies or gender studies course.

This means it’s likely you’ve heard people use language and terms related to gender that you may not understand. That’s okay! Language is always evolving in the LGBTQ community and sometimes it’s hard to keep up. 3

So let’s delve into Gender 101 and break some of these things down.

Learning the Language

When we’re born, we are assigned either male or female identity (what we usually just call “sex”) based on medical factors such as hormones, chromosomes, and the appearance of our genitalia. This is called assigned sex or sex assigned at birth. 1

If you’re talking about a transgender person (in this example a transgender woman), instead of saying “She used to be a boy” or “She was born a boy,” it is preferable to say “She was assigned male at birth.” Using this language clearly demonstrates that the sex assignment was another person’s decision and not related to how someone feels inside, or their gender identity.

We all have a gender identity, every single one of us. This is our internal sense of being male, female, a combination of those things, or none of those things. 6

Though “LGBTQ” is an acronym that lumps together sexual orientation and gender identity, the two terms do not mean the same thing. Sexual orientation (such as being gay, bisexual, lesbian, or queer) is about our attraction to others. Gender identity is about who are are inside. 4

A transgender person is someone whose gender identity does not match the sex they were assigned at birth. It’s okay to use the term trans as shorthand for transgender. (Note that “transgendered” is not grammatically correct and shouldn’t be used.)

Being trans is not a phase. Assume that trans folks are as sure of their gender as you are of yours.

We are probably most familiar with either male to female transgender people (sometimes shortened MTF) or female to male (FTM) transgender people. Though plenty of trans folks have the experience of transitioning from one gender to another, there are many who have more complex gender identities.

This could mean that their gender identities are fluid and change over time. They may not see themselves reflected in the gender binary of male/female identity or may reject the idea of gender altogether. Such folks may refer to themselves as nonbinary or genderqueer and use gender-neutral pronouns such as they/them. 1

You may have heard trans folks telling their stories and saying they were “born in the wrong body” or want a “body to match their brain.” This is the experience of some trans folks, but not all! And not all transgender folks elect to transition medically. Though some may use hormones and undergo surgeries to create the desired changes in their bodies, some trans folks do not choose to do this. Medical transition can also be expensive and inaccessible to many.

Transgender people who don’t transition medically are still transgender and should be recognized as such. There is no such thing as a “full” medical transition, and surgery is not a measurement of who is trans and who is not. 6

It’s important to note that not everyone who exhibits gender variance is a transgender person. Think about the women in your life: some may present in a more masculine or “butch” way, some may present in a much more feminine way than you do. Gender expression is vast!

Cisgender (pronounced “sis-gender” and sometimes shortened to “cis”) is a term that means, simply, that one’s gender identity matches the sex they were assigned at birth. It means not transgender. If someone refers to you as cisgender or cis, do not take offense. It’s just a way of saying that you do not share the experience of being transgender. 7

Our society expects that if someone is assigned male at birth, they will express their gender in a masculine fashion and engage in traditionally male interests and activities. Conversely, we expect that if someone is assigned female, they will express their gender in a feminine way and be interested in typically “girly” things. The way that someone expresses their gender to the outside world is gender expression. It is safe to say that people do not always easily conform to the aforementioned expectations, and that endless combinations of assigned sex, gender identity, and gender expression are possible.

At GGS, all women are welcome — regardless of the sex they were assigned at birth, and if their gender is fluid. The mission statement says “…we recognize that everyone who identifies as a woman is a real woman.” I would take it one step further and say that transgender women don’t just identify as women. They are women.

It’s okay if new language and terms feel clumsy to you. Language evolves and changes all the time. If you’ve never done it before, you may feel strange using gender-neutral pronouns to refer to a singular person. While it may not “feel” right grammatically, it’s okay and important to use language in new ways!

Also truth be told, we use gender-neutral pronouns to refer to singular folks all the time, for example someone whose identity we don’t know. Such as “Oh, the delivery person came? Where did they leave the package?” And the Associated Press Stylebook recently recognized the use of “they” as a singular, gender-neutral pronoun. 2

The importance of respecting a trans person’s pronouns cannot be overstated. If you’re cisgender, it’s your responsibility to work through your own discomfort with the new language.

Though you may be hesitant, it is not offensive to ask someone what their pronouns are. Always ask if you’re uncertain. Folks who are trans, or whose gender expression may not match their assigned gender, will appreciate this.

If asking feels uncomfortable, perhaps lead by introducing yourself and your own pronouns. “Hi, I’m Erica, and my pronouns are she/her.” Practice going out of your comfort zone!

Being A Good Ally

So it’s okay to ask about pronouns, but what should I not ask a transgender person? Great question! There are definitely a few things that you should never ask about. They include:

Whether or not they’ve had any surgery or are using hormones

What body parts they have

What their old name was

A good rule is to ask yourself: would I be comfortable if this person, possibly a stranger or acquaintance, asked me about my medical business, body parts, and private history? Most likely the answer is no, so don’t ask! 5

Also avoid asking transgender people to speak for all transgender people, or to provide you with transgender-specific resources that you could find yourself by doing a quick search online. Trans people get asked these questions by well-meaning allies all the time, and it’s not work they should have to do for us. Using the internet, it is not difficult to find resources ourselves. 

There are many practical ways you can move forward as an ally to transgender folks:

When you’ve learned someone’s pronouns, make a strong effort to correctly use them.

Briefly apologize and keep the conversation moving if you accidentally misgender someone. It’s likely that at some point, you will mess up someone’s pronouns. Do not be offended if they correct you. There is no need to stop the conversation for a long apology that could make things more awkward for the trans person — just keep it brief.

Refer to folks only using the language they use themselves or the language they’ve given you permission to use. For example, don’t call someone genderqueer unless they’ve explicitly asked you to refer to them with that label.

Take care to not out someone. This means don’t talk about someone’s status as a transgender person unless they’ve given you permission to discuss it with others. It can be dangerous for a trans person if they’re outed. 5

A good (and easy!) rule is to use gender-neutral language whenever possible, especially when you’re addressing a group. Try “hey, folks,” “hey, everyone,” or “hey, friends” instead of “hey, ladies” or “hey, guys.”

Be open to learning and growing with regard to these topics. There really is no end to learning about how gender works and how good allyship works. Even people within the LGBTQ community are learning all the time.

Here is more information on being an ally to the transgender people in your life.

If you’d like to know more, these are some helpful resources.

The National Center for Transgender Equality

Transgender 101 from Everyday Feminism

Trans Women of Color Collective

A Comprehensive List of Transgender Resources from GLAAD

For Trans Athletes

References:

“Answers To Your Questions About Transgender People, Gender Identity, And Gender Expression”. American Psychological Association. N.p., 2017. Web. 18 May 2017.

http://www.apa.org/topics/lgbt/transgender.aspx

Easton L. “Making a case for a singular they.” Associated Press Blog. 2017. Web. 24 March 2017. https://blog.ap.org/products-and-services/making-a-case-for-a-singular-they

Finch, Sam. “Transgender 101: A Guide To Gender And Identity To Help You Keep Up With The Conversation – Everyday Feminism”. Everyday Feminism. N.p., 2017. Web. 18 May 2017. http://everydayfeminism.com/2016/08/transgender-101/

“PFLAG” N.p., 2017. Web. 18 May 2017. http://www.org

“Supporting The Transgender People In Your Life: A Guide To Being A Good Ally”. National Center for Transgender Equality. N.p., 2017. Web. 18 May 2017. http://www.transequality.org/issues/resources/supporting-the-transgender-people-in-your-life-a-guide-to-being-a-good-ally

“Transgender Terminology”. National Center for Transgender Equality. N.p., 2017. Web. 18 May 2017. http://www.transequality.org/issues/resources/transgender-terminology

“The True Meaning Of The Word ‘Cisgender'”. com. N.p., 2017. Web. 18 May 2017. http://www.advocate.com/transgender/2015/07/31/true-meaning-word-cisgender

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from Blogger http://corneliussteinbeck.blogspot.com/2017/06/gender-101-and-how-to-be-ally.html