#if i wake up tomorrow and my inbox is full of angry james charles fans i'm throwing myself out a window

[this-is-a-podcast-fanblog]

Juniverse Retail AU

this post was too good not to turn into a fic, so I got permission from @acadieum and @rae-kl and went off.

~~~

He’s at that point in his shift where nothing is real, his feet have lost feeling, and every single soccer mom with fake blonde hair has decided to descend on his location at once. 

“No,” exclaims the woman in front of him, rapping her long-nailed hands down onto the counter, “I told you, I can only use products that are gluten free, vegan, free of dyes and parabens, free of natural pigments, and lack fiber.” Her roots need to meet this perfect touch-up Juno just got in stock. He could give her so much help if she’d just be nice and let him. 

“Yeah, lady, this is a Sephora.” Juno rubs his eyes and resists the urge to look at the clock. “Everything we’ve got in here has dye or natural pigments. If you don’t like what we’ve got, check Lush at the other end of the mall.”

The woman huffs, props up her sunglasses. “I want to speak to your manager.”

“I am the manager.”

She storms out, already whipping out her cellphone to give his location a bad review. Juno doesn’t care. He honestly doesn’t care about anything at this point.

“Cheer up, boss!” says Rita over the Rita-sized box she’s carrying to the dumpster. The front reads Unleash Your Inner Artist palettes. “We only got two hours left!”

Juno huffs. “Yep. Two hours.” He can see someone winding through the aisles towards his help desk. Instantly he is awash with that rush of overwhelming rage that fills him whenever he has to actually do his job and assist someone. I am so not paid enough for this.  “Hey, how can I.... help you...”

The person standing in front of Juno’s counter is the most beautiful man he’s ever seen. His dark brown eyes are expertly framed with green eyeshadow, his full lips lined with a matte color just a few shades darker than his tan skin. He arches one stunning brow and Juno almost melts. “Excuse me,” says the man. “Do you happen to have this foundation in shade 290?”

It’s the most seductive thing anyone’s ever said to him. “Uh, uh maybe,” stammers Juno, “Let me check in the back?”

“Thank you. I would appreciate that.” 

Thank you, I would appreciate that. God, his voice is so hot. Juno grabs a bottle from the back room and brings it back. “That’s $35,” he says. 

“Alright.” The man reaches into his purse for a credit card but doesn’t hand it over just yet. Instead, his eyes sweep once over Juno’s face. “I don’t think I’ve seen you here before,” he says. 

“Yeah, uh, I used to be one of the makeover artists, but just got moved to manager, not sure how.” He laughs and then wishes he hadn’t. A blush creeps over his face, but the man is smiling. 

“I see. Are you here every day?”

“Pretty much. We’re short on managers right now.” 

“Ah.” He hands over his card. “Well, maybe I’ll see you again sometime...” His eyes dart down to the nametag. “Juno.” 

Juno is as much of a mess as a red lipstick spilled in a white Valentino bag. “Uh, uh yeah! Maybe! That’d be great, so here’s your receipt, have a nice day? Have a nice day.” He drops the receipt. “God, I’m sorry. Hey, uh, what’s your name?”

“Call me Rose.” Rose picks up the receipt and tucks it neatly into his bag. “All my friends do.” 

And he saunters away, taking most of Juno’s heart with him. 

Rose visits again a few days later. He says he’s just picking up a bottle of nail polish, but ends up standing by the shelf as Juno restocks. They chat for half an hour. After Rose is gone, Juno realizes he must have counted inventory wrong, because the shelf he just filled with what was supposed to be twenty blending sponges is only nineteen blending sponges. 

But he thinks nothing more of it after he gets another sponge from storage, and the next day Rose visits again. And again, a few days after that. They talk about makeup at first, but then about themselves, and the things they like, and the way they live. 

“I’m just doing this to pay rent, save up some cash.” Juno explains. “I wanna go back to school, get a degree in criminal justice.”

“I didn’t take you for a lawyer.”

“I was thinking more like a detective, actually. Private investigator or something. How about you?”

“Oh, I’m between jobs at the moment.” Rose doesn’t quite meet his eyes on that line. He’s a man of mystery just as much as he’s a man of glitter highlighter. And damn he kills that glitter highlighter. 

It’s nice, for a while, having someone to visit him at work and someone he can flirt with when shifts get slow. But then a few problems arise. 

The first is that Juno gets distracted by Rose, and doesn’t service his other customers as well. Which is fine, because he has other employees and, thank god, he has Rita, and all of them are very capable of handling the store without Juno. But they complain about it plenty. 

The next problem is brought to his attention by Rita herself: “Boss, have you ever noticed that this tall guy uses a new credit card each time he comes in here... an’ none of ‘em have the name Rose?”

And once he notices that, he notices another problem: makeup goes missing when Rose visits him. Like, a lot of makeup.

“That’s nice eyeliner you’ve got today,” Juno tells Rose. “It’s Maybelline?”

“Maybe.”

“Neat. On a totally unrelated note, half of our Maybelline shipping vanished last week.”

“Hmm, how unusual,” muses Rose with a straight face. “You know Juno, I’ve been thinking...”

He doesn’t get to say what he’s been thinking, because at that moment a screaming toddler smashing up the perfume aisle demands a manager’s attention. 

The next time Juno sees Rose, he’s wearing dark red nail polish the same color as the ones Juno was reshelving last time they spoke. But he’s brought Juno a smoothie from the mall cafeteria, and there’s a smile on his gorgeous face, and Juno decides to let it slide. 

“I’ve been thinking,” Rose says. “Perhaps one day we could meet up outside of your work.” 

Juno’s heart flip-flops. “Oh?”

“Certainly. I could - well. Buy you lunch, for example - because you see, Juno...” He fidgets with a spare thread on his jacket. “I’d like to spend time with you, somewhere that isn’t also full of flouresents and stress.”

Juno laughs a little at that. “Yeah, sure,” he says. “I’ll think about it.” 

Rose grins, those sharp teeth flashing behind black lips. Juno’s pretty sure he’s just signed up for a date with a criminal. 

“May I ask you something?” asks Rose one day while Juno’s filling in ledgers. The store is closed, but Juno can’t bring himself to kick Rose out. 

“Shoot.”

“Do you like working here?” 

He snorts. “Want the honest answer or the cute one?”

“I’d hope you can always be honest with me.” 

Juno thinks about that for a moment. He sets down the pen and turns his head to see Rose’s eyes better. “I don’t like it,” he says, “that the only way I can pay my rent is to come to this store and give up a small piece of my humanity. You know?”

Rose nods, like he really does know. “I...I may have an idea,” he says. There’s caution in his words. “In my line of work, I’m, shall we say, self-employed. Reliant on myself for financial stability. But recently I’ve begun to consider taking on a partner. I wondered if you would be interested.”

It’s all he can do not to say “Hell yes” and sign up there on the spot. Instead he ducks back to the ledger to hide his blush and says, “Oh yeah? What’s your line of work?” 

“I suppose I can tell you more when I take you out to lunch.” And Rose winks with his eyeliner wings sharp enough to cut. 

They don’t end up going out to lunch. 

“Did you hear?” asks Rita as soon as Juno walks into the door for his shift the next day. She drags him to the back room, practically bouncing foot to foot; and once they’re out of earshot of the customers, she says, “Your friend Mistah Rose got ARRESTED!”

“Wh-what?”

“Yeah! Mall cops nabbed ‘im with five thousand dollars of designer merch after he left visiting you yesterday! An’ you wanna know the real kicker?” She leans in closer. “He got away. No one knows where he is now!”

“Oh.” Juno’s not entirely sure how he’s supposed to process all of this information at once. “That’s... I wish I could say that’s surprising.” 

What he means is, he wishes he could say he isn’t crushed. 

He was right about Rose, but it’s worse. He might never see Rose again. And it’s still worse: they came so, so close to having something, it’s just so unfair.

“Anyway, I’m gonna go tell the others!” Rita skips off, leaving Juno alone with his emotions, office files, and a clutter of still-boxed makeup. He sits down at his desk, just to think for a minute before going onto the floor. 

And that’s when he sees the note. 

“Juno: 

By this point you’ve likely uncovered the truth. What you haven’t surmised from the security footage and accounts of your workers, I will trust to your inner detective to piece together. 

Where do I begin? You are wasted as a makeup manager. The world deserves to be seen by you, and suddenly I wonder if I could be the person to show it to you, even if I am no longer the person you think I am. If you still want to take me up on my previous offer, hold out hope. I’m sure we’ll meet again.

I’ll be counting down the minutes until we do.

Signed,

Peter Nureyev

Master Thief.”

And sealed with a red lipstick kiss.