#if i tag kongzilla will it reach the wrong crowd?

[harpieisthecarpie]

Harp's Kongzilla (Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire) Thoughts

(Update ??? 6: [Mission log. I can't tell if it has been 6 minutes since I lost contact with the outside world, or 6 years. Time doesn't move the same in this space. Will I ever be home again, or will I have to make this hellscape my "home"?] Even if you don't care about Godzilla this might be fun to watch the ✨ chaotic progression of my mental breakdown✨! Who needs Kongzilla, when you can pop some corn and watch a ✨ timelapse of Harp's kaiju-inspired demise✨?)

Just got back from seeing Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire in a really nice, really big theater and I have a torrential hurricane of thoughts I MUST get out RIGHT NOW.

THIS MOVIE FUCKS SEVERELY!!!!!!!!!!

(Edit: [kind of an edit I haven't posted this yet] It has been an 1hr and 1/2 since I started typing and I haven't gotten through my spoiler-free review. Kongzilla was only 1hr 55min bro. I am so fucking lost in the sauce bro.)

(Edit 2: [still haven't posted] sorry about the colored text and the bolding and the effects. It is the only way I could keep myself sane. Yes it will continue into the spoiler reblog.)

Usually the first thing I do after seeing a movie at the cinema (not including rambling about it with whoever went with me to the theaters) is look up what other people are saying on the internet. Reviewers, Tumblr, general internet surfing (I'm a nosey bitch who likes to see who I disagree with, sue me).

But I COULD NOT with this one. I turned all my notifs off. They are staying off until I fucking finish this post.

(Edit 3: [I'll post eventually] YES I intend to keep that promise until I finish the spoiler-filled reblog. I took an extra of my ADHD meds to stay up this late. I HAVE to expend that energy somehow.)

Also, I am going to refer to Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire as Kongzilla going forward. I still haven't checked tumblr so it's probs a ship name but it's what I've been calling the movie in my head since I was told I was going to watch it in theaters.

Big Godzilla and Kaiju buffs PLEASE take all my commentary with a grain of salt. I don't know goddamn ANYTHING in depth about Godzilla movies or lore.

Also this is a sequel! I haven't seen the first one!! But I didn't even need to see it bc there is just the right amount of context that you don't have to have seen the 1st to watch this one! So, truly not a point against me. Rather, a point TOWARDS this movie.

The only reason I've seen so many Godzilla movies in theaters is because my brother has been OBSESSED WITH and ENAMORED BY classic kaiju movies and their successors since before my brain was able to make long-term memories, probably even before I was born.

So I go to all the big Kaiju blockbusters with him because he is my big bro and I care about his interests (and also because no matter the movie quality, I didn't pay for the ticket and I probably also got free popcorn). Pretty much ALL of what I know about Godzilla lore is from him and also manga that have kaiju (or are at least kaiju inspired).

Okay, I am gonna ramble all my thoughts. BUT!!!! If you are like me and end up checking Tumblr to see if you'll like a movie, I'll leave something for you. It starts at the TL;DR in purple and goes past the read more.

(Edit 4: [This rambling review I initially wanted to make for the tumblr interaction for fun has turned into my own personal Purgatory/Saw trap. Free me.] Moved the read more cutoff further up because I rambled MORE during my read through. I also ended up removing most of the purple emphasis coloring, bc if people don't read this fucking thing because of too much color I'm EATING THIS FUCKING LAPTOP.)

I was gonna do my spoiler rambling here too but I have been going for over and hour and several paragraphs, so the spoilery rambling will be in a reblog of this post. If you're even interested. IF YOU EVEN CARE.

TL;DR WATCH THIS MOVIE.

Even if you're not the biggest Godzilla or kaiju buff, even if you haven't seen the first movie in this series. WATCH IT.

Also, once more I am a Godzilla layman. The lore is my brother's zone. I do not speak for what Godzilla and kaiju buffs would think. Please Godzilla Tumblr fandom don't kill me!!!! If I say I thought Kong and Godzilla were kinda hot ( I mean this in the monster fucker way NOT the furry way [not that I'm bashing furries. I'm not a furry tho.]) will that make you like me more or less?????

ANYWAYS

It is fucking fun!!!!! And also the WEIRDEST whiplash between heartwarming and funny that I have never seen work before. BUT IT WORKS HERE!! SO WELL!!!!!

Even if you are jaded about seeing movies (especially franchise films, reboots, and actions) I recommend it. I am also jaded, it's been so long since there has been something I wanted to see in theaters.

And as of 1:26 AM my time, about 1hr and 30min since I left the theater (please let me ouuuut) I AM 100000% WILLING TO SEE IT AGAIN. I'D PAY FOR MY OWN TICKET !!!!! (I never pay for my own ticket! People have to bribe me into the theaters!)

The only other recent one I've enjoyed has, funnily enough, been Godzilla Minus One. And for similar(???) but also very different(!!!!) reasons.

Godzilla -1 was very thoughtful and painful and it made you sit in the despair the characters felt as their lives were razed to the ground. I also 10000% recommend you see Godzilla -1, but only if you want to experience a story that flays open a lot of the devil-may-care destruction that action (and monster) movies revel in.

Kongzilla didn't give me any fucking time to think (I mean that in the BEST way). It was 1hr 55min long (very refreshing) and it was batting me around like a fucking pinball in a Godzilla-Kong-FoundFam pinball machine. I was just along for the ride, but now I am left bereft in my many many thoughts. Which is why we are here.

Jesus I am rambling more than I expected okay uh uh. Now for a DO WATCH IF vs DON'T WATCH IF, in case my words have failed to compel you.

Pros Coloring Code

Pink = Emotional reasons to watch Blue = Action reasons to watch Orange = Horknee reasons to watch (hey, it happens) Green = ????

DO watch if:

You are a sucker for found family

You are a sucker for big monster found family

ACTION!! THRILLS!!! BIG MONSTERS FIGHT RAAAAA

You have been looking for a heartfelt, yet funny (and fun) action that actually feels like it has a heart (I am subtly critiquing you superhero movie industrial complex)

YASSIFIED PINK GODZILLA

BIG MONSTER CGI THAT LOOKS ACTUALLY GOOD!!!!

Pretty ladies!!!!! (I could see the main lady's shimmery gloss and freckles in hi def it was a spiritual experience. God shes gorgeous I'm gonna reblog so many gifsets)

Pretty men!!!!! (Australian vet weirdgirl [but man] was treated as the seductive hottie by the movie and goddamn they were RIGHT. Also conspiracy theorist dude was so fucking handsome too. I don't even LIKE men!)

A cute kid dealing with the loss of her entire world and thrust into a place she doesn't feel she belongs.

That cute kid being the DAUGHTER of the main lady. They communicate in sign and it is so fucking heartfelt and genuine!!! (more l8er)

Unexpected (to me) polycule???? Not ACTUALLY canon but bro it felt like it (even more l8er). Idc if some element was queer/ship bait. I fell hook, line, and SINKER. Get that kid 2 extra dads with her order of mom!!!!!!

Silver fox (ba dum tss) grizzled GILF Kong???? I was not expecting that the wet meow meow of the movie would be KONG, but... here we are

Seriously an alt title could be Kong and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

POW! BWAAAAA!!!!! VWOOOOOO

Godzilla destroys a nuclear facility in France.

Bro this got so long I had to go back and fucking color code.

(Edit 5: You have no fucking idea bro. Your rambling [and emotional state] gets worse!)

DO NOT watch if:

You have photosensitive epilepsy or if you feel there is ANY chance flashing or flickering lights might trigger a seizure. It fucking sucks how few movies are safe for people dealing with photosensitive seizures (or any photosensitivity issues) but this IS one of the ones that'll fuck you up. Do NOT risk your health for GILF Kong. He would want you to stay safe and healthy!

I'm 10000% serious about the warning. There is a scene where they were warping into Hollow Earth and the flashing and flickering and general sight fuckery got bad enough to make ME have to look away. It lasted for at least a minute too. Jesus.

DO NOT SEE THIS IF FLASHING LIGHTS AND CINEMA FUCKERY WILL RISK YOUR HEALTH.

In a similar vein, if you experience vertigo or really bad motion sickness this movie will be hell. The story deals with gravity and spacial fuckery and the cinematography reflects that. The opening shot was REALLY COOL but it was dizzying. You could probably get away with watching it at home, but it'll FUCK YOU UP at the cinema.

You just in general don't like back-to-back always bumping action. If you wanna see a newer Godzilla movie but don't fancy the roller-coaster movie feel, look into Godzilla Minus One.

Okay!!!! I think this is finally fucking it? For the spoiler-free discussion at least. God. Whatever is happening to me is unholy.

If i wake up tomorrow (today) and I'm still as fucked up about this movie, if this isn't just the fucking extra ADHD med, if it turns out my newest hyperfixation is a fucking Western Godzilla x Kong movie series????

I think I'll have to toss myself into a panic chamber, in case I am suddenly overcome by the impulse to buy kaiju models worth hundreds of dollars (I know there are more expensive ones but I am poor enough to know my own limits) for ME to keep instead of for my brother.

Oh Jesus, I won't even be able to ramble with him about it because I'd become fixated in a queer/monsterfucker way and either he wouldn't at all understand or I would be forced to reckon with a reality where I know my brother's romantic preferences and those preferences are giant monsters. I couldn't take that man it'd be joever for me.

OKAY WRAP IT UP LOSER!!!!

That's it for the spoiler free section! Either I will pass out as soon as I hit post or I'll end up writing for like 3 more hours regarding spoilers.

SO CHECK THE REBLOGS (not right away give me time) FOR MY SPOILERY THOUGHTS!!!!!!

I am NOT allowing myself to look this fucking thing over again. I need to have self control.