#if i go directly to their blog i see plenty of recent post i should have seen on my dashboard

[armenelols]

Current problem: I don't see posts of the people I follow on my dashboard. Seriously. Sure, I see some of them - but it's always the same few people? I barely see any posts from the Tolkien blogs I follow and some of my mutuals. HELP this is a disaster and has been going on for months

[beinfriends]

( Alright, pretty sure I've basically collected everybody in the Mother RPC at this point, so looks like it's time for me to say... hello! I'm Rabbit, or better known as Psy in this community (which you can see I continue to go by... because I am too fucking lazy to redo my promo assets. But I still really do just use Psy still.), and I was in the Mother RPC previously from 2018-2021 (I think? or 2020, I don't really remember) and wound up leaving due to mental health reasons, but recently I randomly got the urge to come back, so here I am with a remade blog. I was previously twinsmily, pigmonarch/allhailkingp, and beinfriends, a blog I have since moved from in order to make this blog.

I've added a lot of muses since the previous iteration of this blog. I feel like I should warn people, even if you knew me prior to rejoining (i.e. Neg and Star. hi btw) that my muse priorities have shifted quite a bit, although Lucas/Claus/Porky are still main muses for me. I replayed Mother 3 last June and got really into the Tazmily villagers for some reason, hence why I added all of them to my muse roster. If you remember the original version of this blog, my list was like <10 muses. We're at 50 now, and I didn't even list everybody.

As to why this even happened... I was playing chapter 3 and read Paul's text during the scene where Fassad tries to get everyone to pick up Happy Boxes and he said "I don't need happiness. It's standing right next to me." and I just really admired his wifeguy-ness... I thought that was so cute, since I'd never really thought about him before. And then my brain decided I liked literally all of them so here we are.

As mentioned in my rules, I did recommend the worldbuilding page + considering reading my fic recs per each character, but overall, I feel I should plug this directly. If you're interested in seeing the Tazmily that I have built in excruciating detail, consider giving A Change of Heart a read. The fic is about Leder telling everyone the truth about their past and everyone being forced to reckon with their trauma and memories.

Up front, it's 200,000 words. But it's a fic I wrote over the course of 5 months last year and is a huge basis for how my Tazmily now functions. The main verse of this blog is directly tied to this fic. Per my timeline, the final events of ACOH concluded one year prior to the events of this blog. BUT it's okay, I do not expect you to know all this shit. I will tell you things as necessary, I just thought I could cut out the middleman a bit is all.

What do you need to know about the default universe of this blog? Here's a few simple things to make it clearer:

The events of Mother 3 concluded 4 years ago.

ALL Tazmily villagers have regained their full memories of the past. The story is generally gone, though people didn't abandon their roles/jobs.

Tazmily has been rebuilt in the old style, but the world is a mix of old and new; people still use DP, but bartering has come back in a major way in terms of doing business.

There are multiple new settlements to account for all the New Porkers.

In all, it's pretty simple, but again, highly recommend you check out my worldbuilding page for a more in-depth rundown of the world, but still shorter than a 200,000 word fic lol. I still have some stuff I wanna add, but I got a lot of it done yesterday.

Also, I have a lot of posts queued from my personal about villager lines, or edits I made, so on, so expect to see those posts in the coming days. I have chronicled a vast majority of lines you can possibly see the villagers say. I got plenty o' lines you've probably never seen. There's only a handful of lines I cannot find, and am assuming went unused. So yeah, enjoy that!! It'll be your crash course on the villagers if you, like everybody (including past me), know very little about the villagers. I look forward to it.

This blog may or may not wind up being low activity, but it remains to be seen. I start my new job today, so I'll see how the work-life balance is. Bios are still a WIP. As I said yesterday, I have 19/50 completed. I will hopefully do the secondary bio batch soon, but probably not today, and probably not tomorrow, because work. But everyone in the main tier has a bio, so check 'em out!

If you made it this far, thanks for reading! I hope I get to know all of you better in the coming days and weeks! Starter call will come after this post for everyone. See ya soon! )

[silverwingborn-moved]

//Mun musings & updating rules

First of all thank you so so much for following me and giving my Nephilim OC a chance 🙏 You’ve all been so kind and I’m excited to continue interacting and rping with you! I’m always open to plotting and my ask box is open for any interactions, may it be a meme, random IC, or even crack & shenanigans.

I’m reaching out more directly to mutuals and popping in inbox’s & commenting on dash posts (when acceptable of course). I am not mutually exclusive, I enjoy giving others the chance to interact with me without the pressure of having to be mutuals.

With that said, I know many blogs are mutual exclusive. And they are absolutely entitled to that standard; it’s their blog and their comfort. I’ve decided if I’ve seen activity on blogs that are mutual exclusive but haven’t followed me back on here or my main blog @soulsmuses , I will unfollow after a week. Should they follow me at all later date, I will gladly refollow.

I am trying to keep track of who I’m following and which blogs require us to be mutuals. Having autism and ADHD can be difficult to remember this off hand, so I have notes for myself to keep tabs. I’m also using this method to know who I’ve responded to and when I owe responses.

Soft blocking me is okay! If you’ve lost interest in interacting with me or don’t think our muses/writing would mesh well after reading her bio, I won’t be upset. That’s the name of the game in rp, especially fandoms.

Being hard blocked is disappointing, but it is what it is. It does leave me wondering if people assume my main is a random personal and don’t check to see it says both in the description & my pinned post that it’s my main hub with a link to this rp sideblog. I always read people’s rules first to ensure having an OC interaction is fine, so I doubt that’s the reason to auto block on sight. It’s happened a couple times now so I truly can’t tell why I’m being hard blocked rather than soft blocked.

This is not to spur drama. In fact after recent posts on my dashboard in regard to anons trying to stir trouble to others, and some drama that was recently occurred in a discord server I mod, I am adding a “no drama” rule. I don’t want to be part of any drama. I’ve seen plenty over the past 10+ yrs on tumblr in every fandom I’ve been apart of. This is a drama free blog. Please do not come into my inbox or IM’s with beef and drama regarding other rpers. My rp blog is not going to do callouts or participate in drama.

My apologies for the wall of text. Thank you guys again so much for interacting with me and my OC. I look forward to more RPs and shenanigans together! ^^

[havesomewords]

I took a look and OP is actually right - if you click on the blog directly from the feed in the app, it doesn't show pinned posts at all (or the menu if there is one).

This is how it looks in Android on s23.

I am fairly sure I did see the pinned post in the app before but I need to test it and see if it still is true, because I normally view Tumblrs on Firefox on my phone so everything shows up fine (I recommend that as Chrome lags more and Opera doesn't show all of the newest HTML or CSS. I stopped using Safari but it matched Opera on Android around three years back).

I'll update after looking through the app. It might have been the update that removed Tumblr Live that killed the pinned posts but unsure.

Update: Nope, I can't see any pinned posts on blogs other than mine on any of their pages. So, it really is buggerred but someone has to test other systems as maybe it works fine on iPhones or Windows phones (do people still have these?).

Update 2: It gets weirder. I can see the pinned posts of people if I click on their accounts under the like section but not in any other way. That must be related to how Tumblr sorts posts on the app, which is horrid and you generally get the most recent post of a blog and then their top posts if you choose an account from your feed, IMs, Reblogs (those make sense) or Comments. Likes might be where it sorts in a chronological order while adding the pinned one on top (because it axes top posts?). I don't know the code of the app or enough about code at all to decipher it.

FINAL UPDATE: I found the solution! When you go to any blog on the app - refresh it by doing a 'tugging down' motion and the pinned post appears afterwards. I never suspected it could be so simple.

[ to answer the other bit on mental health ]

OP, I doubt you want to disappear, because it sounds like you want to be understood and are having a horrid phase (well, a phase can be really long and my word choices suck) which makes everything seem dark as hell.

It would be a truism to say everything passes and we learn to deal with pain as we go because it is bullshite for some. I nor anyone else know what you went through or how it resonates with you now. It sucks to deal with it alone and without anyone or anything to relate to.

Still, people are as nuanced and as weird as anybody - some just vary less or in a different way but I promise you that there's plenty similar to you and I'm not saying it without empirical evidence, because in my short life, I met loads and loads and loads of fiction-affiliated folks (no clue how some would identify and back then I lived in Poland that just discovered the term 'otherkin' while EU started using 'fictionkin' to mean a singlet that was similar to a 'fictive'). There were quite a few mental health specialists too but those were mainly plural systems.

We all go through life differently and we favour different things plus it depends on your environment in how open can you be or want to be. People often misbelieve me when I say that I never got shit for being a very loud and over-sharey fictive (well, I was more of 'loud about being reincarnated', as my source is very recent, and being a part of a system) but I never had. Hell, a lot of my peers were similar and we had no clue why or how as we had no internet and nobody considered it an issue. I did get into some arguments for being aggressive about physical disability and mental health accommodations or discrimination because I am ginger and mean.

It could be that your area is crap and lacks any specialists that would suit you or any that would be safe for you. It could be that there is nobody like you anywhere near or maybe anywhere at all as I am writing this because I am in a similar depressive episode but it just sounds similar to me based on this one post. Living with a great number of past/present issues or traumas is never easy and we all process it differently, so you might want a break and that's logical - we all should spoil ourselves but human brains are generally the worst critics of themselves, so try to go easy on yourself. Don't leave forever as your presence will be missed - hell, I don't know you and I'd miss you purely because I can.

As a really odd note: Writing tone can be hard to discern and I assume that is why you read the mod as coming off as mean. Dunno why but it is a common issue nowadays as I saw it recently - could be because people found a way to talk about it or maybe our areas just started to be more diverse about this. Most folks are probably neutral at most times and this is how I read any mod - I used to mod stuff too a long time ago :|

I have no one in real life who would and could understand, or talk to. It's impossible to explain the kin and fictive connection to my pain, to people or doctors without being sent away. I'm a mobile user who doesn't and can't have access to your rules unless they're pinned to the blog. It doesn't matter anymore, though. Your open meanness has made me certain in needing to permanently disappear, so thank you for being my final reason. Don't post my asks, I want to completely disappear.

Can I get some context, keywords, custom tags or signoffs, or names to go with this message? I'm confused? Which confessions in the inbox or queue do you want deleted?

also the tag #blogpages has all the blog pages as text post, for mobile users, like it says in the blog description! I think think not having them pinned is not mean at all? Like, that is what we had to do before tumblr ever had pinned posts!

mod party cat!

[olderthannetfic]

From what I've gathered reading your blog you seem to be very much pro-kink, even the ones most people would find 'gross' and until very recently this was something I agreed with. Fantasies are just fantasies and don't have any meaning on reality, right? But lately I decided to browse through some masochistic kink tags on Tumblr out of bored curiosity and what I found made me feel sick to my stomach. Teenage girls (that's what they mostly were) posting about being raped, made into sex slaves, being 'put in their place as women' by men, it all seemed like something out of a misogynist's wet dream. I don't know what I expected by checking in those tags in the first place, but I didn't think it would be that extreme. It just seems hard to imagine a young woman posting about being bred like livestock as is her place as a female and going back to having a healthy view of herself and others as women when she's done. Especially teenagers, since their minds are still growing and being molded by what they experience. It reminded me that I've been seeing a lot BDSM bleeding (heh) over into mainstream vanilla sex, like choking and beating. It just seems like maledom is becoming synonymous with sex and sexuality itself, and I don't think it's natural. Femdom is still and always was very niche, so unless someone wants to argue that women are naturally more masochistic than men I think a lot of female masochism is a result of living in and being influenced by a male-dominated world and should not be seen as healthy and encouraged. This ended up being a lot longer than I expected, but you generally have pretty good takes on things and so I was curious about your opinion on this.

--

Nonnie...

Uh...

I don't mean to be rude here, but misogyny kink + rape kink is basic-ass stuff that's everywhere. Hucows are a staple of crappy image board porn sites full of anime art. If this seems shocking and extreme to you, I don't think you've explored freaky porn spaces very much. This is what I'm talking about when I roll my eyes at fandom wank about "extreme" fic within fandom.

When I personally was 14, I was reading snuff stories with dudes jizzing into bullet holes. The ones that weren't about shooting featured long, detailed descriptions of strangulation. Plenty of them also featured misogyny kink, but my favorite author and photo essayist was always writing about herself as a murdered corporate spy and shit like that without any particular misogynistic element. She'd make her husband cart her around and take photos of her playing dead.

My favorite movie was Crash. It just spoke to something inside of me.

I am far healthier for having been able to explore that through fiction without being yelled at and told I was mentally ill. Kinks develop early, and you cannot make teen girls not have rape kinks. They're one of the most common human sexual fantasies that exists!

We don't know where these things come from, but pathologizing them or imagining they come directly from art teens are looking at right then is shitty. Many people can trace the kinks they find sexual as adults back to things they were obsessed with in early childhood. I think it's possible that misogyny kink would decline somewhat if society got less misogynist, but rape kinks aren't going anywhere, and this kind of social change would be years too late for anyone who's currently a teen even if you could wave a magic wand today.

It just seems like maledom is becoming synonymous with sex and sexuality itself

Nonnie... Where have you been?

First of all, that's all of society for thousands of years. Second of all, as I always say, most people are bottoms:

Most people don't want to be the one doing the work. They want to be the one done to.

Many women are attracted to men.

Actual men expect a lot of babysitting.

Ergo, porn where a man does things to a woman while she lies there like a dead fish, needing to make zero decisions and zero effort to cater to him is very popular.

You see women thinking real rapists are sexy. I see women with a fantasy of finally not having to do all the work.

--

"Femdom is still and always was very niche"

This is straight up bullshit. Femdom is extremely popular, but it is popular among men.

Dude-oriented porn is full of this kind of thing, and it is a fantasy, yet again, of being done to. These dommes dress up in scratchy-sounding lingerie and spike heels and have their wicked way with nerdy, helpless dudes. I wish those dudes all the fun in the world, but their anatomically improbable erotica does not do it for me because it is, like so much else, about a kink dispenser providing for a deserving subject.

Women are not more naturally submissive. Everyone likes to be the pampered recipient rather than the one putting their back into it. You're just only looking at places full of women's porn.

If you hung out on gelbooru or rule34 or e621 or any of the sites with active comments sections, you'd find a very different picture. Try looking up Link. Dudes love Link. It's a handful of guys going "I'd show him what a real man is" and seas and seas of men who clearly identify with Link and want to watch him get dicked down by everybody from Ganondorf to dogs to dickgirls.

Dudes produce a ton of porn where big titty librarians and strict schoolteachers smack around little girly boys while insulting their manhood. Sometimes, they're futas with big dicks. Sometimes, they just use big strap-ons. It's a whole Thing. You just don't see it because you're hanging out here and on AO3.

--

Our kind of spaces always want femdom-for-women to be popular, like it's more self actualized to want to be on top.

This attitude is incredibly toxic. It ignores everything we know about healthy BDSM. It pathologizes bottoming. And it asks sexual fantasies to fulfill a representation quota.

This isn't how desire works.

I'm sorry if I sound testy, but what you sent me is bog standard kink hating. I've seen this exact song and dance so many times, right down to the total shock over kinks that wouldn't even register as unusual on a porn site.

[mephist0phallus]

I think my final thesis on this is that there are going to be people you don't want to interact with, or don't want to interact past a certain boundary of familiarity. That is perfectly fine. I think it's hard to acknowledge a parallel truth: that the internet is public and people are going to see your posts, follow your blog, and maybe even send you messages. Because a wealth of information (posts, pictures, ramblings) is available on someone's blog, it's really easy to compress the natural timeline for building a friendship.

I am guilty of this sometimes. "Oh someone followed me, and they blog about things that interest me, I'll follow them too and we'll be mutuals." That really tells me nothing about them as a person, other than the things I can find in their recent archive and tag word searches. I may later realize they post things that trigger me and unfollow them later. I may realize they're unkind, and block them. I may realize I'm fine with their content but they appear to be a minor so I won't dm them or converse on certain topics.

There are different levels to what sort of interaction people are comfortable with, and different people are sorted into different levels depending on their characteristics/behaviors.

In an offline relationship, some of this information would be immediately apparent upon meeting (general age, for example). Other things, you would never expect someone to tell you right off the bat (their sexuality, if they're stealth trans or closeted trans, their disability status, their faith).

We take for granted the fact that as you become friends with someone offline, they may warm up to you and tell you more detail about themselves. This gradual sharing of information allows you to decide where you would like to place your boundaries for interaction with this person. Online, we assume that this information should be available immediately to contextualize even the barest interaction. We take for granted the fact that this is not information you would ask for in public, because we can see so much other information about them immediately.

The difference between online and offline interaction is that online, you're sharing your blog with a wide array of strangers, and you're going to have to get accustomed to the idea that not everyone that sees your blog is someone you want to be best friends with or have close conversations with. I only share sensitive information with people I trust, and that is normal offline. The anonymity of the online world makes it seem like it's low stakes to share this information freely because these strangers aren't your family/boss/best friend. However, plenty of people are capable of using that information to be unkind.

I think it's ultimately useless to expect someone to disclose personal information for the privilege of merely seeing your blog, not least because people can just lie. I think it's far more productive to say things like "I blog about X, I'd prefer Z people only look/don't reblog/don't message directly." This sets a clearer personal boundary for you, and puts the onus on the other person to respect your boundaries.

[murfeelee]

Simblr Asks - TS3

I saw these questions here, and I’m in a procrastinating mood.

1. are you going to buy the new pack (cottage living) when it comes out? Thoughts on Cottage Living:

Should’ve been a Game Pack. Another display of EA cramming TS4 with crap that’s as big as the ocean, but with the depth of a frikkin puddle. How TF an EXPANSION PACK came without any new skills or careers is beyond me, but Cottage Living did it, so hey. Speaking of hay, at least the cows & chickens are better. They’d better be, for $40. Thank god for the Llamas though, otherwise I would’ve never been interested in this dang pack.

2. do you p*rate your dlc or buy it legitimately?

Fortunately for me, half the TS3 content I have I won in contests & giveaways, or it was Gifted to me. The rest I bought on DEEP sales, cuz eff buying anything from EA at full price. And I got TS4 when EA gave it away for free, cuz patience is a freaking virtue. But there's definitely some garbage out there (*cough* Kits) I legitimately think you’re morally obligated to Yo Ho Ho.

3. what’s your favorite world?

EA: Shang Simla (World Adventures). CC: Boroughsburg (Potato-Ballad-Sims). My wish is to have a world/save that incorporates BOTH--an Asian Boroughsburg, or a futuristic/modern Shang Simla, but Japanese.

4. if you use a queue, how many posts per day do you set it as?

1 post on my main blog, 2 on my personal/inspo blogs, and anywhere from 1-5 on my CC finds blogs (depending on how much CC there is to catch up on).

5. do you watch sims on youtube?

Plenty. I miss Lazy Game Reviews--I think he’s effing done with EA & TS4, which is equally hilarious and sad at the same time. The Red Plumbob is probably my fave right now. I watch Pleasantsims for nostalgic TS2 content. And I watch A LOT of TS4 simmers, out of morbid curiosity to see just how bad the Kits and packs are.

6. what are your thoughts on the most recent pack? (dream home decorator)

Strong contender for Y’all Hear Sum’n? on Kenya’s scale. 🙄

7. how many packs/kits do you own?

I will never buy or even bother pirating those dumba$$ Kits, EA can eff right off. Anyone can do clothes & clutter for free; what 👏  is 👏  the 👏  point 👏 , other than a total effing cash grab.

8. what’s your origin id? is it the same as your url?

I only ever sim offline.

9. is your simblr your sideblog or main blog?

Main blog. Then I realized how expansive Tumblr is, and created 1001 sideblogs for stuff I do outside of simming.

10. do you have a cc finds blog?

Plenty, plus extras I don’t even advertise the way I probably should. U_U

11. are you wcif friendly?

Yes. I understand that some people are shy though, which is why I try to add CC Credits to my gameplay posts, with links to the CC I use. But I’m so effing lazy that sometimes I don’t. 

12. what’s your favorite sized household to play with? (ex. 1 sim, 4 sims)

Because my gameplay is often tv or video game inspired, my households are often massive (a dozen+ sims). Sometimes I break off the nuclear unit from the auxiliary characters (often my top 4-6 characters), and have them in my active household to control them directly, while I let the other sims roam free in another house(hold) or something.

13. if you have c&d, do you play with pets?

I love the Pets EP. I can't decide which I like more: cats, dogs, or horses. The horses are 100% essential for my historical gameplay, I can’t even. And I like that we can directly control the animals--I actually wish we could do more with the small pets, too (reptiles, birds, fish, etc). IMO, TS4′s C&D is a crying shame, and MFPS can go straight to hell. TS3′s unicorns would like a word with MFPS.

14. what lifespan do you use?

Young Adult, though I use Kids a lot more now, thanks to PuddingFace’s Enhanced Witches Mod letting kids use magic.

15. if you own a lot of packs, how many of them have you actually played through?

Everything in TS3, though I’ve never been able to play through all the content. Even in Supernatural there are things I haven’t done yet. I have no intention of owning even 1/3 of TS4′s packs.

16. what do you do as you play sims? (ex. listen to music)

Listen to music--I have specific playlists for specific gameplay.

17. which sims challenges have you tried?

I don’t do challenges, I cheat too much.

18. do you like the new(ish) hair swatches?

Eff swatches; they don’t hold a candle to CASt. Hair in TS4 is 100% garbage. That clayfied crap makes my blood boil. The only time I even marginally like it is when people do those rainbow recolors; those are super cute.

19. post the latest screenshot you took 📸

That’s top secret information; I have CC sets I’m preparing for upload.

20. what is the cc/ingame hair that looks the most like your own?

That’s never been made.

21. who is your favorite sim of yours and what is their story?

Sakura Rain is my Japanese cherry tree fairy from the future.

Nasir ibn Hema is my smol hissing Syrian from the past.

22. if you use cc, are there any cc creators that you have like ALL of their items?

Luna & Silfantasy.

23. what’s one pack you think is underrated?

TS3: Into the Future Expansion Pack. TS4: Vintage Glamour Stuff Pack.

ITF is hands down the most unique pack EA ever made. If you like sci-fi, there’s no way you can pass up on it, ITF adds waaaaaay too much good content & gameplay. But there are so many simmers that hate fantasy in general, as a rule, and they crap all over Supernatural, too. So ITF got a lot of heat mostly cuz it was the very last EP, and the very last chance simmers could get something they wanted. But considering the lack of futuristic gameplay we tend to have, it was high time EA did a pack like ITF for once.

As for VG, that was when I first started realizing that EA was doing something drastically different with the SPs in TS4. It’s a sad state of affairs that the SPs in TS4 are becoming some of its most interesting content, particularly since they’ve started adding in new lifestates, gameplay, and premium content. That was never the case in TS3, and very very rarely in TS2. Even though people scoff at the Butlers & Bar Globes, I love that kind of content, particularly for historical gameplay.

24. what are your favorite sims stories/legacies?

I really like the holiday stories @danjaley​ does; over at 3 Hazelnuts.

25. if you could change certain small thing(s) about ts4, what would it be?

Where do I even effing begin, EA.

______________________________________________

Thanks for reading!

[h2ojustaddmako]

Headcanon: Moon Fever - Why and How

Oh wow, two serious posts without 7 months of silence between them? Who am I? a blogging superstar or something? Aight, so last time we covered the origin of mermaids and the magic itself, as well as how their powers work (spoiler alert: electromagnetism is the key). This time let’s talk about a very common feature in the H2O universe (or the Makoverse, as I call it): The Full Moon Fever.

The moon fever, as Rikki dubbed, it refers to the effect the full moon and its reflection have on mermaids. I believe sometimes they also refer to it as moon spell, so I might go back and forth between these two names.

First, let’s go over what we know: once a month, on a full moon, every mermaid that looks at the full moon or its reflection goes somewhat crazy; the side effects are changing, but all within the range of new power gain and/or enhancement of powers, memory loss, and impulsive irregular behavior.  Let’s go over every instance of a moon fever in the first two seasons of the original show (as in season 3 they’ve mastered their control over it):

- Moon Spell, Emma on her dad’s birthday - The Siren Effect, Cleo sings like a siren - Bad Moon Rising, Rikki sets Mako ablaze - Stormy Weather, the girls get new weather powers - Moonwalker, the girls go camping on Mako - Moonstruck, Ash surprises Emma with a romantic dinner - Unfathomable, Charlotte’s first (and last) full moon

With 7 different cases to look upon, there’s plenty of material to create a theory. In every one of these episodes, at least one mermaid gets affected by the full moon. But why is the full moon dangerous to mermaids?

In Mako Mermaids we learn that not only the full moon is the source of all mermaids, it is also the source of their magic and energy. Basking in its light or swimming on full moon nights gives mermaids a great feeling and is a great mood boost. Mature mermaids like Sirena, Lyla and Nixie very much wait to the full moon with great anticipation. However, when tutoring Zac and Evie, they imply the full moon can be dangerous if you can’t control yourself, and moon spell control is something young mermaids are being taught early on. Why is this important? Because it reveals the true face of the full moon spell: it is good for the mermaids.

On every instance of the full moon, two things repeat: One, the moonstruck mermaids have an urge to go into the water, and two, they want to swim to Mako as well. Let’s examine what might be the best episode for it, Moonstruck, where first Cleo, then Rikki and Emma, fall under the spell and start acting goofy (and honestly adorable). Unlike some previous episodes, they did not gain any new powers, or set off on a mission to do something, they just act weird and keep talking about wanting to go for a swim to Mako. I believe that episode is the best example of the pure effect of the full moon - they are drawn to it. Just like the native mermaids, the electromagnetic energy of the moon draws the girls into the water because it feels good, it charges them up, and it is necessary for their “magic fatigue” (yeah, let’s call it that). The moon’s energy clears their minds off anything other than wanting to swim in moonlight, preferably in the moon pool, where they know the effect of the moon is the strongest due to the structure of the place (wuddup previous headcanon reference).

So, the moon draws the mermaids to Mako every time, sure. But why new powers? Why going out of control? Well, there’s an explanation for that as well. You see, in the book series that was tied with the first 12 episodes, we learn that alot of the way the mermaids control their powers has to do with their emotional state. We see it on the show as well; when Cleo gets too angry in Control (s2e2), she allowed her powers to take over her, thus losing her control over her abilities. But that’s for another post in the future. What we learn from it is that their mermaid abilities are directly tied to their state of mind, and while examining the episodes I mentioned, it is as clear as Emma’s ice.

In The Siren Effect, Cleo was embarrassed she couldn’t sing, and her greatest wish came true via siren singing. In Bad Moon Rising, Rikki’s self-saboteur gets to her, convincing her she’s the blame, and as her feelings start to burn inside her, she burns the world. In Unfathomable, Charlotte uses hydrokinesis and electrokinesis far beyond her experience as a one-month-old mermaid to mess with Emma’s appliances and create some good ol’ water snakes. In Moon Spell, Moonwalker and Moonstruck the girls have not gained any new temporary powers, but their recent feelings towards Byron, Charlotte and telling Ash the truth affected their behaviors. They lived through their daily struggles through a mermaid state of mind everytime, using whatever powers needed. (I left out ‘Stormy Weather’ to be brought up later on)

Now, why is that? In that future post I referred to earlier I will go over how mermaid powers are limitless, in the way that the idea that Cleo, Emma and Rikki only has certain powers is a lie, and that they could perform each other’s powers as well like Charlotte. I believe that the clear state of mind the full moon gives a mermaid, allows her to step out beyond her own understanding of powers, and with the energy of the full moon, she can perform power tricks she wouldn’t know how to do on a casual Tuesday night.

Okay, final part, Stormy Weather (pictured above). I left it out for a reason. To begin with, it feels like a normal full moon episode. All three girls fall under the moon spell, and get drawn to Mako. But that episode, out of all of them, stresses how important it is to let a mermaid follow her heart to the moon pool. That specific night was the seventh full moon since their transformation, including the night they transformed, as well as one full moon that happened between the seasons). In Mako Mermaids they refer to that moon as the Seventh Moon Cycle, a very powerful full moon that every mermaid goes through, on the six-month mark since her transformation. While not fully explained, I believe this enhances a mermaid’s power range, allowing her to perform tricks and moves way beyond her previous abilities, such as weather powers. Let’s consider it a mermaid puberty. The seventh moon cycle calls stronger than any before, and safe to assume that if the girls stayed at home safe, they’d never have gotten their enhanced powers. That being said, the new powers are permanent and should not be considered an effect of the moon fever.

So there you have it. The full moon fever mapped out to the bone. or at least I hope it is. If you have any more ideas feel free to comment below, I love reading y’all’s suggestions.

[natsubeatsrock]

Lower Your Expectations for Nalu

I'm going to start this post off more generously than I normally would. I don't have any real reason to. I just kind of want to reach some of the Nalu fans with this section. (Nalu fans probably shouldn’t want to read the rest.)

Generally speaking, it's better to lower your expectations for a ship becoming canon. That way, you are pleasantly surprised to see how it will happen. Sometimes a relationship should have more subtle canonization than a bombastic showing. If Mashima plans to make Nalu canon, we should be patient to see how it happens. It’s not impossible for Nalu to have some impressive showy way it becomes canon. However, it’s worth letting Mashima do his thing and let the chips fall as they may.

Alright, the kids are gone. Let's do this for real.

I've been running this blog for just over six years. You'd think that, at this point, it would be hard for me to be surprised by this fandom. I've seen all kinds of things happen, and that should be the case. I joined during a rather tenuous time where fandoms were more willing to go at it.

As it stands, the Nalu fandom is the gift that keeps on giving. Whenever I feel as though I can't think of anything else to say about this ship, something happens, and I'm brought back to writing about it. You'd think it would be me talking about how the ship functions in canon. However, fans seem willing to bend over backward to sing Nalu's praises.

I'd respect it if it weren't Nalu we're talking about. This might be one of the most overrated ships in anime. I'll never understand how most people who watch this series even passively wanted these two to become a couple. All the couples Mashima's written over the years, and this is the one he'll be judged for? (Also, maybe Gruvia, but we talked about that already.)

Still, I do have to give this some fandom credit. Mashima has taken nearly every possible opportunity to feasibly advance this ship since the Grand Magic Games ended (arguably even before that) and passed on doing much with it. On some occasions, it feels as though Mashima is directly mocking the idea that Nalu could possibly become canon. And yet, fans believe that Nalu will become canon at any moment because he draws a Twitter pic of them once every three months or so. (Yes, I did edit this sentence since Nalu Day. What of it?) 

Recently, I got an ask comparing the Nalu fandom to the MAGA crowd. I'm not personally vindictive enough against Trump or his supporters to affirm that comparison. Though, I can't act as if I haven't been thinking of an analogy to describe Nalu fans. I think a better comparison might be fans of the Dallas Cowboys. 

Cowboys fans seem to believe that their team can win the Super Bowl any season. That's not an inherently problematic perspective to take. You should hope that your team will do well. However, this often manifests itself in confidence that ignores the faults within individual Cowboys teams and the strength of their opponents. Not to mention, this ignores the objective fact that the Cowboys haven't done well in the playoffs for 25 years.

I don't think it's wrong for fans to believe that their ship will become canon. I don't know too many fans who wish their ship doesn't become canon. However, I always worry about the fans who believe their ship happening is an inevitability. Especially when things seem to be pointing away from the possibility of it happening. This is usually a recipe for toxic fandoms.

But, let me humor the idea for a moment.

What if Mashima really plans to make Nalu happen in the end?

As I'm writing this post,  we're currently in the middle of the fight between the third Dragon God. We're getting close to the real conclusion of that battle. But after that, there are two big arcs until the series truly ends. Three if they decide to have one last battle against the quest-giving dragon.

If Mashima's going to make Nalu canon, how would that work now?

There's the "realization" route. This is the one I probably see the most. Natsu and Lucy could come to the clear realization that they have come to love each other throughout the series. Of course, you'd have to imagine that whatever would bring this on is more powerful than thinking the other has died. 

Twice, throughout the series. 

Each.

On top of several other crazy things to happen to them over 600 chapters of material spanning a decade and a half. Yet, I'm supposed to believe that some random new moment will change the tide for Nalu.

The other way to do it is to have a confession. Either Natsu or Lucy decides to share with the other the fact that they are in love. Their feelings are reciprocated, and you can figure out the rest.

Depending on who you ask, we've almost gotten this a few times. Lucy's had a few opportunities to talk about her relationship with Natsu and has been fairly nice about it. A few times it's hinted that there might be more to their friendship but nothing concrete. I've even seen it hinted that Natsu was going to confess in chapter 545.

But, that's just it. We've only gotten hints at the possibility that there's more. If Natsu and Lucy actually like each other romantically, why not make it clearer earlier?

"It's because he's being subtle about their shared romantic feelings."

Yeah, I have reason to doubt that.

Jellal and Erza have feelings for each other implied throughout Fairy Tail. Sure there's explicit stuff like their meeting before the Grand Magic Games started. But there's been plenty of subtle stuff surrounding their relationship. People make hints at their potential romantic relationship all the time in canon, even as recent as the last arc.

I feel like I say this a lot when talking about Jerza. But really think about the arcs they're together in. There's Tower of Heaven, Nirvana, the Grand Magic Games, Tartarus, Alvarez Empire, and Aldoron. Their relationship is brought up or hinted at in Fantasia, Tenrou Island, Avatar, and Mercuphobia. While that looks like a large amount of material, Jerza doesn't take up much space in any of these arcs. Outside of the Grand Magic Games, Nirvana, and Alvarez, these are small moments between the two of them at best. Sometimes it's even less than that. And yet, the ship makes sense to the vast majority of the fandom.

But that might be an unfair comparison. Jellal and Erza have a history dating before the series started. 

Let's use a ship that involves characters that met after Natsu and Lucy. Gray and Juvia. (Wait, these guys again?)

The big thing with this ship has been how Gray feels about Juvia. We've known how Juvia feels about Gray literally since they met. However, we've seen Gray slowly change his views on Juvia. We didn't just jump from enemies to lovers. There was a subtle shift as the series went on.

Do you really think that Mashima couldn't do better with Natsu and Lucy? His main duo? The series is only possible because the two meet each other. But I'm supposed to believe that Mashima didn't want to make a Nalu romance seem more explicit?

If you were to ask me, the most likely route for Nalu now is a much less sexy option. If Nalu were to happen, it won't happen in a grand showing of affection. It will just... happen. We'll likely skip to some random point in time after they beat all the dragons and see them as a couple. Maybe we'll se an Earthland Nasha.

This isn't something anime/manga fans aren't used to. I know everyone likely thinks of a different series that has done this over the years. People will rag on series like Naruto and Bleach for doing this. For what it's worth, I do like both of those series and their endgame ships. 

That said, I have two problems with this option. 

First, Nalu doesn't have the kind of setup that those other ships have. You're not getting characters openly confessing before a fight. You're not getting two characters flustered over the prospect of feelings suggested to each other. Heck, you're not getting a "Silver Ray" situation.

"What about those times when Lucy was asked if she likes Natsu?"

Again, Lucy's not openly agonizing over that as part of their relationship. If this was something we were supposed to seriously consider as an option for her, we'd know.

Even then, this would only show that it's one-sided. Natsu hasn't had any similar moments where he considers liking Lucy. Anyone bringing up the waterfall scene is speculating at best. Do you really expect me to believe that Mashima will change that this far into the series?

But this doesn't even get into the second problem. Is this how you'd want Nalu to become canon? 

I've said this before, but Nalu has been expected to become canon for close to a decade. That almost feels like an exaggeration. But one of the big chapters I usually point to for Mashima potentially making Nalu more overt is Lucy Fire. That chapter turned ten years old this past March.

Nalu fans have been inventing all kinds of scenarios and situations about how Mashima will make their favorite ship happen. Wouldn't it be disappointing for fans to see that this ship would happen without any of the pomp and circumstance you'd expect a ship like this to get?

I know plenty of people who were disappointed when their favorite ship just became canon without a lot of lead-up. I didn't love getting to the end of Bleach without knowing more about how Ichigo and Orihime got together. Yes, I know the novels exist, but I (literally) paid to read the manga. I'd like to have seen it happen in the manga. (This could be about Naruto, but I only own The Last.)

This is why I believe Nalu fans should lower their expectations. Do you know the fantasy fans have for Nalu happening? Natsu and Lucy finally being hit with the overwhelming realization they love each other? A tearful confession of their feelings for each other capped with a kiss? All of their friends cheering them on, knowing they should have been a couple a long time ago? Maybe even a glimpse at their wedding and their future kid?

Congratulations, that was Rave Master's main couple. Don't expect the same thing for Nalu. If Nalu will happen, it will look much more disappointing than what fans believe it will look like.

At this point, I'm even not sure that Nalu will happen. Mashima has made every version of Nalu look more romantic except the original. I can't apologize for my skepticism on its prospects. Even actual Nalu fans are worried about if it will happen. I will enjoy seeing more of this salt in the future.

Now, there's one question you might be asking of me. How will I react to Nalu happening?

I don't have some back-pocket post prepared in case Nalu does happen. Heck, I thought of making one but ended up writing this post instead. 

However, I have been wrong about future events of Fairy Tail in the past. If I'm wrong and Mashima does make Nalu canon, then I'll talk about it. I highly doubt it will make me like the series less. It certainly won't affect anything I'm doing with the rewrite, given my rules for changes. Consider that I've been able to talk about Gruvia negatively at this point in the series. I'll absolutely continue to talk smack about Nalu if it ends up canon. 

That said, I have reason to believe that I'm right about the direction Nalu will take. And if I'm right, don't expect my tone on Nalu to stay the same. At the very least, I can promise a third Nalu edition of "My Incredibly Unpopular Thoughts" if Nalu doesn’t happen. I haven't done one in years and I can't think of a better way to celebrate the ship dying once and for all.

[angelofthequeers]

How is Zoe's comic racist? (sorry don't mean to question you, genuinely curious) Also, I admit I was also sucked into the salt fic whirlpool, but quickly left after I realized how toxic it was being. Could you also elaborate on GalahadWilder, if it isn't too uncomfortable for you? I'm sorry, I don't mean to be rude, or ask uncomfortable questions.

I can’t point out everything off the top of my head but the racism (along with everything else but that’s not the focus) is a large part of what made me throw my hands up and write this. And I won’t be answering any more asks about any of this because I just want to get it out there so people know (because of how many people genuinely don’t see it) and then go back to trying to forget that this shit ever existed, rather than dragging out some new fandom drama. Also keep in mind that while I’m West Asian/Arab, I’m also white-passing so if I get anything wrong, I appreciate call-outs. (Also I finally got my laptop charger today so I can snip my posts again 😭)

Her treatment of Max in ‘Gamer’.

It’s not unique to her; it’s a very common salter thing to utterly tear into Max for being a “sexist jerk” and daring to underestimate princess Marinette because she’s a girl. Never mind that they canonically aren’t close friends because of Chloé’s bullying, so Max probably had no idea that Marinette’s liked video games all this time, where Adrien is the new boy so it’s just one more thing to learn about him.

It’s especially heinous compared to how the other classmates are treated far more leniently for their own mistakes - they still get salted on but Max, aka the Black boy, always seems to get singled out and held to higher standards. Just look at ‘Chameleon’ and how the other classmates are mildly to moderately attacked by salters but Max gets utterly ripped to shreds because he “should know better”. (Never mind that just because he’s smart doesn’t mean he’s good at human interaction. They just want to attack him).

It also angers me because people like Nathaniel and Ivan are absolved of what they do as akumas (like kidnapping others and literally forcing someone to go on a date with them) because they couldn’t help it, yet Max is literally held responsible for what he did when akumatised (because he dared to go after Princess Marinette) and even for daring to get akumatised in the first place. Both these things just make him a sore loser, apparently.

So SL ‘Gamer’ was the final straw for me, especially with how she characterised Max as a smug arsehole, and it made me so angry that I just exploded to my friends, but I didn’t know how to directly call it out without looking like a petty bitch.

Here’s a post I made about salters and ‘Gamer’ if you’re interested in a more coherent and in-depth thing about it.

Alya’s treatment throughout the whole thing.

In canon, she’s an enthusiastic and passionate girl who sometimes gets carried away and goes too far and who idolises Ladybug because Ladybug stands against evil. Here? She’s treated as the butt of the joke for being so starry-eyed over superheroes that she idolises Scarlet Lady while Marinette mocks her behind her back. Never mind her iconic line of “all that is needed for the triumph of evil is that good people do nothing” and this is why she loves Majestia in the first place. Never mind that she loves Ladybug because Ladybug is kind and passionate and strong and creative. Canon Alya wouldn’t want a bar of Scarlet Lady, who just sits around complaining, and yet SL!Alya worships her because...why? Running joke? The only Black girl in the series is treated as a gag to be made fun of by someone who’s supposed to be her best friend, just for the audience’s amusement. Marinette’s probably meant to look funny and relatable here, but she just looks like a major bitch to her new friend. Alya’s flaws are basically blown up and exaggerated for comedic effect, while Marinette in contrast is airbrushed to perfection, with no flaws and no anxiety that was only alleviated in canon by - guess what - being Ladybug.

It’s like Zoe wants to stick to canon while adding her own little “fun” twists for humour, like making Marinette snarky and perfect (which just makes her look like an utter bitch) and in the case of Alya, it does her so dirty that even Lila is more sympathetic. LILA. After SL humiliates Lila, Alya looks doubtful but buys some bullshit excuse so that she can continue to be the Scar-worshipping idiot. And then in the aftermath, her concern isn’t for Lila, the girl who was humiliated and bullied by a literal superhero and then ended up sick. No, she’s angry because...Lila lied on her blog. The blog that doesn’t have nearly as much recognition as in canon because SL would never validate her, unlike Ladybug. So her passion for her blog is exaggerated to imply that she’d say that a girl deserves to be bullied and sick because she told a few lies (since at this point, Alya doesn’t know about any possible malice on Lila’s part, just as in canon. All that’s known is the lying for attention).

It’s horrible hypocrisy, where Alya is held to higher standards than the other (white) characters and when she fails to meet those standards, she’s torn into. She’s not afforded any sympathy for being hurt that Lila lied to her; in fact, she’s demonised for feeling hurt, especially because of the running joke that her blog is focused on someone so horrible and she doesn’t see that. Lila is presented as the sympathetic one here. LILA. Just because Alya dared to believe her in canon.

Also, how she’s constantly trying to either tease Marinette for having a crush or insist that Marinette’s only doing what she does because of a crush...even though according to this ‘verse’s canon, Marinette is too good to make mistakes and do obsessive stuff over a crush, which is why canon Alya thinks this about her in the first place. That didn’t just come out of nowhere in the show purely for “woe is Marinette, her best friend doubts her”.

Like in the first part of ‘Gamer’, where she’s accusing Marinette of only entering the tournament to flirt with Adrien while Marinette so “coolly and calmly” rebuts her...why? By the ‘verse’s own logic, Marinette isn’t a flustered mess around Adrien. The only purpose of this scene is to glorify Marinette and her amazing calmness while making Alya look like a nosy idiot who dares to doubt her best friend. The logic of the ‘verse and of canon clash really jarringly in moments like this, and it becomes clear that the only purpose of these moments is to make Marinette look better at the expense of others. Most often her best friend, who’s an utter idiot for not seeing Scarlet Lady’s true nature and just can’t keep her nose out of Marinette’s business and so comes to wrong conclusions. Why are Marinette and Alya even friends in this ‘verse? SL!Marinette’s been nothing but condescending towards Alya most of the time.

Uh, and also the way she occasionally whitewashes Alya. Just look at the SL headers. She literally made Alya, aka a Black girl who’s one of the good guys, lighter than Lila, aka a white girl who’s one of the bad guys and not even that tanned in canon. Why do people make one of the villains darker and often whitewash one of the heroes? It’s not that hard to figure out.

(Also the way she really played into the aggressive Black girl stereotype in ‘Horrificator’ over a minor argument, even physically threatening Nino. Why? Literally why did she have to go full-on aggressive instead of just looking angry and scolding him or something?)

This all might not be conscious on Zoe’s part but the way Alya is treated is still disgusting, especially if you’re operating on internalised salt from other aspects of the salty fandom. I’ve seen her claims that she’s trying to help Alya improve and she’s not being salty but...even if she’s not being consciously salty, her salt is definitely still leaking over it and part of that salt includes racism. I also don’t see how making Alya a joke and exaggerating her flaws is helping her to improve when there was plenty to go off in canon but, well, that might just be me.

Even Marinette, who’s pretty much treated as white for 99% of it.

Marinette, aka the girl who’s only made visibly “Asian/Other” in SL ‘Reflekta’ with her Chinese-inspired Black Cat suit and name which is a one-off, while her permanent Bee outfit is just the bland tight suit that salters criticise Ladybug for having and her name is just Marigold. It comes across as using “Asianness” as a costume and it really didn’t sit right with me at first, but it took me a while to tease out why exactly this made me feel ick.

There’s nothing wrong with touching more on Marinette’s heritage and expanding on it in ways that the show doesn’t, especially because this is a big sticking point for salters, but again...it’s only a one-off. A costume. There aren’t casual hints sprinkled throughout the comic that just normally establish Marinette as half-Chinese, aside from like a page or two in ‘Timebreaker’ showing Sabine’s outfit. It’s another ‘Kung Food’ where it’s slammed into one episode and shoved into our faces that Marinette Is Chinese and it’s really jarring and unpleasant.

It just comes across as fetishising, is all. I don’t think it’s something most people would pick up on unless they’re used to being able to see this kind of thing.

Master Fu. Oh, Master Fu.

From an old man who made mistakes but tried as best as he could with the limited knowledge he had, he’s now a bumbling idiot who...put the earrings in Marinette’s bag instead of her room for some reason? To kickstart the plot? Especially because the ring was still in Adrien’s room. It’s very, very contrived.

And then in one of the most recent updates, Zoe has Adrien - a white boy - physically threaten Fu, aka an elderly Asian man. It’s disgusting. I was gobsmacked when I first saw it. And that’s the thing with salters: they tear into Adrien for being a white boy so they can look Enlightened when he hasn’t actually done anything racist, yet they then turn around and perpetuate actual racism in trying to “fix” him

There’s probably more but those are the examples that jump out at me of the racism in SL. There are plenty more problems but...whatever. I’ll be here all day if I try and cover those.

As for the Galahad thing...it’s personal. That original post was as much as I was comfortable revealing.

[askaceattorney]

Off I pop

A little tribute to my dad there.  ; )

Hap’piraki once again!  Here we are at my final day as a moderator here (temporarily, at least), so...

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(Oh, jeez...  What am I supposed to say here?  Where’s a cue card when you need one?)

So, to begin with, let me reiterate that I’m planning to be gone until July -- that may change, but that’s the plan for now -- and by “gone” I don’t mean I won’t be around, just that I won’t be answering letters.  I’ll still check in every now and then to make sure things are going all right, and I’ll continue posting the remaining character essays that have been requested.  This won’t include any new requests you may have, though, so you’ll either have to ask a different mod or wait until I get back for that.

In the meantime, I’d like to share a few short things about myself, and how Ace Attorney and Ask Ace Attorney have, in my opinion, changed my life for the better.

...Beeeeeeeeeeeeeelow the cut.

So, as I mentioned in a previous post, I’ve been dealing with some serious struggles in recent days.  Oddly enough, most of them haven’t been directly related to the pandemic, the political tension, or anything else 2020 brought with it.  For me, the biggest struggles have been internal ones, most of which had to do with my self-confidence.

I’m going to borrow a quote from the Mod (writing as Dahlia Hawthorne, of all people): “When a person speaks, they say whatever is on their mind.  When a person writes, they are allowed to revise and rework.  Literature is the distillation of a person’s intentions into even a single sentence.”  In other words (no pun intended), writing lets a person say things in the most polished way they can, without having to worry about things like stuttering, second-guessing, or sounding insincere.  That’s the version of me that you get here.

In the real world, I’m as human as anyone else: dealing with things like stress, anger, self-doubt, depression, anxiety, worry, lack of motivation, etc.  I’d like to say that I deal with these flaws as best as humanly possible, but that isn’t the case a lot of the time.  In the 30+ years I’ve been alive, I’ve been guilty (no pun intended) of letting my emotions get the best of me, giving up on things too easily, wasting time lamenting the past, and treating myself worse than Franziska treats Gumshoe.  I can’t claim to have been very nice to everyone else I’ve met, either.

The point of this post isn’t to whine about my shortcomings, though.  See, out of all the demons I’ve had to face, one of the worst has been the idea that I can’t do anything well enough for it to make any real difference in the world, and never will be able to.  I hope you haven’t had to struggle with this idea yourself, but if so, you have my sympathy.

Thankfully, I happened to discover a video game series and a fan-made blog that helped me realize how untrue that idea was.  Which ones am I referring to?  I’ll give you one guess.

Like many people do when they suddenly gain some new responsibility (even if it’s something they like), when I first joined the blog,  I struggled with a thing called “impostor syndrome,” which is, according to the internet, “an internal experience of believing that you are not as competent as others perceive you to be.”  Sure, I’d done some comedic writing for fun before, and I'd known about Ace Attorney and its characters for quite a while, but was I really qualified to continue the Ace Admin and the Mod’s labor of love?  And what would it mean if I wasn’t?  Over 11,000 people (minus some bots) were reading what I wrote, after all, so could I continue making the blog enjoyable for all of them?

(Trick question -- satisfying everyone is an impossible feat, it turns out.)

Questions like that bugged me consistently, but thanks to the love of Ace Attorney I shared with the fan base, and the creativity afforded by its fun characters and their incredible stories, I was able not only to power through the challenges of running a popular blog, but to help make it into something even bigger than it was before, as well as gaining some interesting insights from people about a wide range of topics: the law, morality, science, religion, history, politics, philosophy...

...hairstyles...

...and so on.  I'm not sure what I was expecting to happen when I started out, but I sure didn’t see anything like that coming.

So, in summary, this blog and the series that inspired it didn’t just help me to maintain a healthy self-image, which is something every person needs; it’s been a huge part of what kept me sane these last few years.  Athena and her psychotherapy may not be real, but being able to strengthen my writing, artistic, and comedic skills here -- and to delight so many people while doing it -- might have been the closest I could possibly get to it.

And that, my friends, is where you come in.  I’ve said it plenty of times before, but here it is again: this blog couldn’t possibly exist without you.  Whatever reason you may have had for writing a letter to me, a different moderator, or the character of your choice -- whether it was curiosity, love, criticism, or just for the heck of it -- I want you to know that it played a part in reminding me that I, like everyone else, shortcomings and all, am capable of making a difference in the world, even if it’s just for a few Phellow Phoenix Phans.  Needless to say, I’ve appreciated every last bit of it.

My hope is to be able to do something similar to this in the future, possibly on a larger scale (what exactly, I don’t know), but even if that doesn’t come to pass, I’ll always be grateful for the positive impact I was able to make here thanks to your interaction, support, and willingness to appreciate the genius of Ace Attorney alongside me.  I repeat myself, but you guys are awesome.  Never stop being that way.

And yeah, I realize this isn’t my final goodbye.  I just thought I should treat it like it was just in case.  ; )

Anyway, it’s time for one last thing this post would be incomplete without: a heartfelt...

I’ll see you ‘round, folks!

-The Co-Mod

[imagine-loki]

Pride and Prejudice

TITLE: Pride and Prejudice CHAPTER NO./ONE SHOT: Chapter 50 AUTHOR: wolfpawn

ORIGINAL IMAGINE: Imagine Loki was raised on Jotunheim as Laufey’s son after the war, but an agreement was then made that he would wed Odin’s daughter so Odin could secure the alliance of Jotunheim through the marriage. Loki, in turn, was raised to be king of Jotunheim, but how he views Asgard is far different from how Odin’s daughter is raised leading to a clash of cultures as well as uncertainty between the pair of betrothed youths.     RATING: Mature   NOTES/WARNINGS: Forced Marriage, not all fun and games. My first real step back into the Loki scene in over a year.

I literally have this written with over a week and just as a tab on my computer but I suffer from ITS, Idiotic Thoughts Syndrome which makes me really mentally weird and my mind tells me no one likes my stuff, I just had a few people message me over the last day about this telling me they love it which forced me to feel like I am letting them down if I don’t post it which, by the way, is sometimes the best way to motivate my shitty ass, so yeah, it needs saying, if you like this, please let me know, it actually gets me to upload new chapters. I have some written, so…yeah.

Tags - @skulliebythesea @asimovethroughthisworld @blackcherry26-blog @we-shadowhunter2901

The roar of the Bifrost resounded across Jotunheim, declaring to the realm that the Allfather had arrived. Loki and Ella stood in the aforementioned agreed place of landing for the Aesir royal family with a few others with them. On seeing her parents, Ella smiled brightly, though her nervousness at revealing to them that she was carrying a child still played slightly on her. She had decided to inform them of their impending grandchild later in the palace, but for now, she hid it under a heavy cloak. When her parents and brother emerged from the startling light, some of their guards and even two of the Warrior’s Three with them, Loki and Ella stepped forward. 

Both Odin and Frigga seemed to immediately look at their daughter more than anything else, Frigga more so than her husband. Though the pair had been conversing through their seidr, it was the first time mother and daughter had been physically in one another’s company since the wedding and especially since she had been ill. Loki and Ella bowed as was expected to the Allfather and Allmother, who in turn both lowered their heads slightly in recognition of the gesture. Thor, who had stood back slightly came forward to deal with the formalities of the situation, though part of him thought it to be entirely unnecessary. Technically speaking, those arriving for the coronation were not doing so yet, so their being there was not on an official basis, more so on being there to assist their daughter and her husband, should they be required to assist so the bowing and such, the stoic interactions were something he wished did not occur. He had fought alongside the Jotnar, bled and lost brethren with them, that made the pageantry unnecessary in his eyes. He wanted to speak with the allies he had made again. 

“Allfather,” Loki bowed to Odin before turning to Frigga and doing the same. “Allmother, thank you for joining us for this momentous occasion.”  

“It is a great day for Jotunheim.” Odin declared though he looked warily at his daughter to see if she had been better treated since his last seeing her. Frigga had informed him that Ella looked healthy and happy when they spoke together but he did not fully believe it. She had put on a facade in the time up to her health scare, she could very easily do so again. But seeing her smile brightly, if not slightly apprehensively at them, there was no denying that she was indeed healthy again. If anything, he noted she seemed a little weightier than before, though he would never state such aloud, he always maintained she could do with a little more weight, especially after she got sick as a child. He wanted to be less formal, to speak with her but this was not the time. “It seems like life is developing well since the Casket’s return, a great success.”

Loki, Ella and many others gathered on the Jotnar side gritted their teeth with regards his comments on the Casket, all thinking the same with regards to him taking it in the first place.” “Jotunheim has never seen prosperity like it. The food is plenty, the many are healthy and the population is about to see an explosion like never before,” Ella beamed. “And with Loki’s rule, it will be even better.” The confident look she gave him and his smile in return startled the Aesir royals to the point of silence. In her talks with her mother, Ella rarely spoke on Loki in any manner, much less one to suggest to her mother that she thought so well of Loki. 

Odin was the first to find his voice again and cleared his throat which in turn, broke the peculiar feeling in the group gathered. “Good, the realm deserves a fresh start.” 

With the formalities completed, everyone headed to the palace. The Jotnar they met on route glanced at the Aesir party with intrigue yet not overly concerned. The Aesir mate to their soon-to-be king had caused many who had been wary before to trust the Aesir slightly more and with Loki’s coronation, they knew this was a necessary evil to host the Allfather once more. 

When they made it to the palace, Ella led them to their rooms with Loki by her side. As soon as all but her brother, his friends and her parents were gone, she walked over to her father and placed her hand beneath his own on Gungnir. “If I may be so bold, I need to borrow this for five minutes.” 

Odin frowned at his daughter. He had not even spoken directly to her since their arrival and she had not explained why she would require one of the most powerful weapons in all of the realms but the pleading yet confident look on her face told him that she felt whatever she planned required it greatly enough to ask. With a slight nod, he relinquished his grip on it and watched as she rushed off, Loki looking at her with confusion on his face as she left. When the young Jotnar noticed the Aesir royals looking at him in bewilderment, all he could do was try to express that he too was oblivious to what his mate was doing. 

Three minutes later, Býleistr walked past them looking terrified. A moment later Helbindi and Greta walked into the hall, both seeing the confused royals gathered in the hallway, both looking equal parts in awe and somewhat scared. 

“What did she do?” Loki half winced, not sure what they were going to say. 

Helbindi grinned. “Did you ask her about the space issue?” Loki nodded. “Well, it is dealt with.”

“What?” Loki cocked his head. 

“She’s after dealing with our space issue,” Helbindi repeated. 

“How?” “No idea. She used some golden stick and her seidr to do it.”

“That’s not a stick, that is Gungnir,” Odin growled, displeased that anyone would disrespect his powerful weapon in such a manner. 

“Gung...I thought only the Allfather could use that?” Helbindi looked to Loki in confusion. 

“Why do you seem surprised?” Loki chuckled. “Ella does as she sees fit, even powerful magical weapons know better than to argue with her.” He threw his eyes up playfully as he said so. 

Barely a moment later, Ella walked through the hall once more, looking proud of herself, Gungnir in her hand. When she got to her father, she smirked and handed him back the staff. “Thank you.” 

“That suits you far too well,” Odin commented to his daughter as he took back Gungnir. He used his seidr to read the magic that the staff had recently worked with to see what she had done. When he sensed it, he studied his daughter’s face, startled by the smirk on it. “How?” “You limit your abilities too much, Father, by your choice not to expand them.” She walked over to Loki who looked curiously at her. “The space issue is rectified.” “So ‘Bind said but how?” 

“I may have tripled the palace.” “I’m sorry, you what?” Loki could not comprehend what she was saying. 

“I used Gungnir to magnify my seidr and simply made the palace bigger. We needed more rooms, I made it that the living areas of the palace are now copied a few extra times so we can house all those who wish to be here. I also used it to make the areas habitable to those arriving. The last thing we need is frozen Light Elves.” 

Loki could not think of an answer worthy of the statement. When he mentioned his concerns to Ella, she smiled and promised to rectify it. When he asked her how she planned to do so, she merely smiled and repeated that she would do so and not worry about it any more. Seeing her do so in less than the time it took to get to the throne room, he found himself wondering how he could ever have thought her to be dim-witted when he first met her. “Always finding solutions.” He smiled kindly at her. 

“What would you do without me?” She smiled before looking over at her parents and brother who clearly were uncertain as to what to say with regards to their daughter’s clearly altered situation. Thor knew that Loki had developed from the arrogant being that he had seen for the wedding, even speaking to him when he came for their assistance but seeing now that it seemed to even have grown more intrigued him slightly, especially because Ella seemed different. She seemed a lot more open, something he had not been used to on Asgard. To him, she was always an annoying prankster at worst or disinterested in him and his friends at best. She never seemed to do anything but stand and listen to court or speak almost stoically with friends. Now, she seemed so much more outgoing and confident. 

“I think we best get settled.” Frigga turned to Odin, who clearly was weary, though no one would admit to such out loud, especially Odin himself. 

“Yes, when you do so, Loki and I must speak more with you,” Ella stated. Her parents stared at her worriedly. “Yes, we are nulling the marriage and I am taking the veil.” Each word dripped with adequate sarcasm befitting her deadpan tone and facial expression. “Surprise.” 

“I thought you had matured, I was getting worried.” Thor scoffed. 

“And be boring? Perish the thought.” Ella shuddered. “Go get settled. We will ensure everything is as it needs to be here and then we will speak more.” She bowed slightly. “Until then, I am getting something to eat.” With that, she walked off. 

Helbindi scoffed slightly before encouraging Greta to back to their rooms to rest. Her heat had settled and she was currently waiting to see if she had become pregnant anxiously while also assisting with the coronation with the other female mates. Helbindi was forced to deal with other matters meaning he only say her for small parts of the day but was adamant that she rest adequately. 

Loki looked after his mate for a moment before looking at her bemused parents. “I best alert my father than all are here.” “Where is Laufey?” Odin asked. 

“Resting, I fear. His health continues to waiver so he must rest more often, hence this unprecedented event.” He bowed slightly. “Until later, please, make yourselves comfortable.” With that, he left to follow do as he said and inform his father. 

“Do we even want to know?” Odin asked his wife. “What did she say to you?” “Nothing worthy of speaking with us like she is implying she needs to, perhaps it is to do with the coronation, she seems slightly concerned with regards to that,” Frigga shrugged. “Nonetheless, it would be wise for us to attempt to prepare the rooms, those ice-beds do nothing for your back.” 

“You hardly doubt it took Ella that long to merely duplicate a few rooms? She has readied ours to our liking also.” Odin informed her. “She said she did it in the other wings but she did it for us also.” 

“How could you possibly know that?” 

“Do you think you are the only one she can communicate silently with? Why do you think we both held Gungnir for a moment?” His chest puffed out proudly. “It was from us both that she became one of the most powerful seidr wielder in the realms, not simply one.” He looked at the staff in his grasp. “Had she have been a son, she would have been terrifying.” Thor was about to say something when he saw his father inhaled deeply in a manner that always meant he was about to say more. “A warrior for an heir and a seidr-wielding assassin as his highest general, it would have been terrifying.” “The Norns knew it would have been too much,” Frigga commented. “She seemed to have little issue with Gungnir.”

Odin looked at his staff, something he could never remember fighting without since the day his father Bor died and it was placed in his hands as his successor. “Yes, so it would seem.” His voice was distant as he did so, telling Frigga that he was thinking of something in his own head. 

[wandyrlust-a]

to the anon in my inbox,

hi friend, i needed a day to think on this, and unfortunately that means you probably won’t see it, but i wanted to say something anyway because the more i thought about it, the less i liked myself.

first, i want to say that i’m sorry that i ever said anything to make it seem as though i hate her. rest assured, i do not hate that character in the slightest. i believe hate is a very very serious word and there are very few characters whom i would ever apply it to, and i can’t see her ever doing anything that would place her name within a mile of that list. i really actually like her. i like her a lot, actually, and was very impressed with her and her maturity in the newest book, even if i haven’t talked about it much on this platform, and maybe i should share more of that. i will say that i actually do talk about her outside of her sister, however, and that it isn’t all negative. in fact, i really only seldom mention both of them in one post, at least in recent memory. she is part of several of my favorite dynamics in the series and i do talk about that here, which you obviously haven’t seen, but i’m not going to make you search my blog. i don’t try to compare them often but maybe i did more frequently than my memory recalls, and if so, then that’s a double standard and that really isn’t fair and i’m sorry for doing it. i don’t know what posts you saw that you felt were hurtful but i’m not going to act like you don’t have a valid reason to alert me to this. i am forgetful and no matter what it was, i shouldn’t have said something that hurts someone’s feelings in the first place.

i do to point out that criticism is not hate. literary criticism is an essential aspect of my field of study and so as i read, it is borderline impossible for me to not be critical, though it’s true that i should probably lighten up and not be so intense about it, especially here. the worst of my comments i can think of is i think from back when i liveblogged my reading of the books? i think? in which generally if i was saying anything negative, it was contextual and a very literal reporting of what was happening in the text. i think the most intense thing i said was something regarding how something happening in the book was classist (it’s been a while, so i don’t remember what it was at the moment, i’m sorry), though simply stating that it was problematic is one thing i will not apologize for, especially when i tagged it properly and put it under a read more. however, i remind you that this is a book. my criticism toward a character is not a reflection on how i feel about anyone who likes or even agrees with them (and again, i DO like her, so). i promise i’ve criticized plenty of characters whom i love with equal measure. however, based on your message, i think that this is a character whom you relate to and connect deeply with and i hope you don’t think that any negative analysis was meant to be directed at you. i promise with my entire heart that it isn’t. i’m sure i’ve made jokes that didn’t come off right and that’s my fault. i’ve never meant to slander a character on the dash, but that doesn’t mean that i haven’t said things that i didn’t realize were rude or insensitive regardless. anyway, regardless of what excuses i make for my intentions, i’m sorry not only that i said it, but that you of all people had to see it as someone who loves them. that’s not fair, i wouldn’t wish a negative dash experience on anyone and i’m ashamed to have contributed in any capacity.

i do wish that you had had told me that you felt this way sooner and felt comfortable enough to address me directly. fun fact about me: i’m a weak bitch and will roll over at the first sign of conflict. if you had told me that something i said was bothering you, i would have made the changes necessary to make you more comfortable, and will now that you’ve told me. i’ll take extra care to use kinder words going forward, and i’m sorry that my lack of a filter and sore oversight ruined our chance to be friends.

on the off chance you got the opportunity to read this, thank you for doing so, and i appreciate you being so polite in how you brought it forward. i’m open to further civil discussion if necessary. i’m sorry for upsetting your dash experience.

[grapefruitsketches]

Chapter 7, Stream

Part of my Songxiao post-canon fix-it fic series, started under the Untamed Spring Fest 2020 event:

Please see the reblogged version of this under the my-writing and songxiao-fix-it-series tags on my blog - will be a pinned post for the next little while - for links to previous chapters/the Ao3 version!

3,447 words

Chapter 7: Wen Ning helps Xiao Xingchen through some difficult questions.

“How was your week?”

Wen Qionglin’s question was the usual one. Simple. Straightforward. Conversational. And Xingchen was sure he had plenty to say. All week he had had myriad thoughts swirling through his head, nipping at his every waking moment, scrambling every sleeping one. They had been begging to be set free, but Xingchen had refused to let them out, unable to tell one from the other, and unsure what exactly would come out if he tugged at the edge of even the mildest seeming one.

But now, in front of Wen Qionglin, who sat silently, expectantly, ever happy to help untangle even the messiest strands of thought, Xingchen’s mind was numb.

So he fell to his default and smiled softly, even though the forced expression only barely reached his cheeks, “It was good.”

“Hmm. That’s good, Xiao-daozhang…” Wen Qionglin’s voice never chastised, but Xingchen thought he heard disappointment. Xingchen’s answer had been far from the openness Wen Qionglin encouraged, that they had been building for weeks now.

It was different without Zichen here. Someone to lean on but also someone else who might draw Wen Qionglin’s marksman-like targeting of delicate subjects. Xingchen was now left alone, now the only target of Wen Qionglin’s sharp aim. But he knew why he had agreed to this. Xingchen still recoiled from addressing certain topics, but the wounds they created were festering. And Xingchen could not let Zichen see just how deep they were, how the corruption might hardly be considered a foreign body to this present Xingchen. Because then Zichen might see through the façade. Might see that this Xingchen was not the one he knew 20 years ago. Xingchen hoped that Wen Qionglin could help stop the spread - because if he let this go on longer, he didn’t know if he would be able to keep Zichen from seeing… He wasn’t sure if Zichen hadn’t already seen… That he hadn’t started to put together that Xingchen had pulled his own shattered soul together, but that that soul had been mutated into something else even before it had shattered.  

“Last week,” Wen Qionglin began gently, “We talked about… about Shuanghua.”

Xingchen breathed in sharply, and nodded.

“I was hoping to pick up from there,” Wen Qionglin continued, “If that’s ok?”

Shuanghua.

Xingchen had tried, really tried, to push himself to pick up the sword. At least once. That’s all he had wanted. To be able to come into this session and laugh it off, tell Wen Qionglin he was dealing with it, it was getting better, not to worry, he was sure it was just another readjustment to the living world after all. But every time he had gotten up early, had slipped away from Zichen’s still sleeping form, had tried to make himself do it. To just grab the sword. Just do it.  No big deal. No? Ok. Maybe just touch the hilt. Maybe the sheath? Of course you can do something as simple as that! What, not that either? Fine. Grab the strap alone and get it onto your back, your hands don’t even have to touch the sword itself.

But not even these compromises had worked.

Once, his fingertips had brushed the sword’s hilt. In his early morning drowsiness, he had misjudged how far his hand was from the weapon and the contact had happened when he still thought he must be inches away. He had recoiled instantly, struck by a biting, fierce cold. In his panic, he had knocked into the side of the bed, but he hardly noticed. He had sat on the floor, trying to catch his breath and clutching his hand. It felt burnt, frostbitten by the energy and memories radiating off the sword. Betrayal. A touch on his shoulder, and he scrambled away, before he realized who that had to be.

“Zichen,” he had said, and swallowed, breaths still coming in short bursts, “Don’t worry. It was uh… a dream. Must have… must have fallen off the bed.” He didn’t know if Zichen had believed him, but he hadn’t reached for his shoulder again. Xingchen didn’t know whether that was what he wanted, torn between the desire to be wrapped up in Zichen’s calming embrace and the equal lure of isolation, to hide, to make sure Zichen didn’t have to see him in such a shameful state. A cultivator who broke down if he so much as touched his own sword?

Despite the early hour, neither had gone back to bed after that. Xingchen stayed on the floor until his breath evened, then tried, and failed, to meditate. Zichen had gotten out of bed, sliding off from the foot of the bed, avoiding the place where Xingchen sat. Xingchen heard the sounds of him dressing, the door opening and closing, the only announcement of Zichen’s departure.

When Zichen returned, Xingchen was already dressed, sitting poised in what he hoped sufficiently mimicked meditation, despite the bitter tingling in his fingers, the frustration filling his heart. He thought he might have gotten away with it, if not for his treacherous stomach, rumbling and revealing his less than focused state of mind. Zichen had offered him a bun and some tea, the procurement of which, despite Xingchen’s darker thoughts, had apparently been the sole purpose of him leaving earlier. Xingchen had chewed and sipped self-consciously. He usually liked thinking that Zichen might be looking at him. But now he knew he was, and the burning he felt at the surely pitying look only seared his shame into him more deeply.

“Shuanghua…”  Xingchen repeated back to Wen Qionglin, slowly, trying to figure out just how to put reality into words when even he didn’t fully understand it, “Zichen carries Shuanghua these days.”

“Why?”

“He carries it if I don’t.” Xingchen knew Wen Qionglin would have a more direct question for him soon, but as long as he could get away with avoiding a direct answer, he would. He wanted Wen Qionglin to ask directly. Wanted to be able to answer with a simple yes, or no, letting the Wen healer find the words that Xingchen could not, or at least did not want to, unearth in himself. At the same time, a part of him hoped that the session would just end, that Wen Qionglin would be called away, that so much time would pass in silence that they couldn’t justify sitting and waiting any longer, that they would have to go to eat lunch and Wen Qionglin would be unable to further the conversation outside the privacy of this office.

“So why don’t you?”

“I don’t… I don’t feel like it.”

Wen Qionglin let out a puff of air that might have been… laughter? “You sound a bit like someone else right now, Daozhang,” he mused, more to himself than to Xingchen, “So why don’t you feel like it?”

Xingchen frowned, “I just… I don’t know. I just don’t want to.”

“Ok… We can try this a different way. Have you tried to pick up or touch Shuanghua recently?” Wen Qionglin pressed.

Xingchen hesitated, then nodded.

“And how did it feel when you did?”

Xingchen unconsciously reached for his neck before realizing what he was doing. He withdrew his hand quickly, “It hurt.” He admitted this bluntly, easier to spit out the two simple words than to contextualize them.

“Emotionally or physically?”

Both. He thought. Neither? “…Emotionally, I suppose.” he admitted.

“Ok.” Wen Qionglin seemed satisfied, happy to have made progress, “Ok. If you can, imagine you are about to touch Shuanghua. What do you feel, Xiao-daozhang? Physically or emotionally."

They had done this exercise before. Xingchen understood the intent was to keep him grounded, in touch with which parts of his body tensed, which could signal or which could be soothed in case of some kind of distress. But he didn’t want to describe the tightness in his heart, the echoing sounds of blade meeting flesh followed by muffled groans, the mounting pressure of tears, difficult to prevent from spilling, the tremor in his hands, the pounding of his head. Memory of a sharp pain, a feeling of his self falling apart. Shuanghua and himself finally united, finding each other once again, confronting what they mutually understood as the true source of evil in that moment.

“Afraid.” Xingchen answered.

“Ok. And do you know what you’re afraid of?”

“I am afraid of… I’m afraid of hurting again.” Xingchen replied.

“Of hurting people or feeling hurt?”

Both. Xingchen thought again. “I don’t know,” he said.

Wen Qionglin hummed passively, “So do you think that Shuanghua has made you or others hurt before?”

“…Yes.”

“And you’re afraid it will do the same again.”

Xingchen nodded slowly, even though this had sounded more like a statement than a question.

“But Shuanghua is safe in Song-daozhang’s hands.”

“Yes.” This, Xingchen could answer with confidence.

Wen Qionglin sighed, “I hurt people. You know this.” Xingchen did. Late in his first life, isolated as he had been, he had not missed the stories, the whispers of the Ghost General. Stories clearly exaggerated, but based on grains of truth. Wen Qionglin went on, “Someone told me once that I am, or was, a blade. What do you think this means?”

“It means that it is the wielder, not the weapon that is to blame, I suppose. So,” Xingchen frowned, “It is the wielder’s fault if he lets the blade make his decisions unquestioningly. So Shuanghua is safe in someone like Zichen’s hands.”

“Maybe.” Wen Qionglin admitted, “But I think we might be talking about different blades here. I am not talking about Shuanghua, Xiao-daozhang. And the wielder I speak of would have found a different weapon if not for this blade.”

Xingchen froze, “A-another wielder?”

“Mmn.” Wen Qionglin affirmed, “What do you think? Is there someone else we should talk about?”

Xingchen could think of someone else. Could, but did not want to. Xingchen had not spoken the name. He had not even spoken the name of the town they had lived in. The town where his second life had started.

Xiao Xingchen, this was your fault ever since the beginning. You shouldn’t have meddled with other people’s business.

No… He had thought… If only he hadn’t…

You think I’m disgusting? Very well. Would I care if anybody thinks I’m disgusting? But… are you in the position to be disgusted by me?

Yes but… Only as disgusted as I am with myself.

The young and the elderly.

It had been his hand. His blade. His naïve trust in second chances, in a blade’s ability to avoid deception. He had been careless. He had done those unforgivable things.

If you still think it’s my fault when I’m finished, you can do whatever you want.

“I did!” Xingchen let his too-late answer to the decade old statement slip out, as he clutched his ears, as though trying to block out the voice echoing in his ears, “I did!”

“Xiao-daozhang, Xiao Xingchen!” Wen Qionglin’s voice cut through the memories, “Breathe.”

“I…” Xingchen choked, shaking hands again reaching for the scar tissue on his neck, “I can’t.”

“You can.” Wen Qionglin insisted, “In.” Xingchen gulped in some air, forcing his stomach to expand, but the air caught in his throat. “Out.” Xingchen obeyed, blowing the air out slowly, shuddering as he did so, “In.”

They carried on like this for a few agonizing minutes, until Xingchen’s breath returned to something approximating regular.

“Please. Drink this.” Wen Qionglin said somberly, and Xingchen heard the sound of pouring before he was handed a steaming cup of tea, “We have obviously touched on something important here, Daozhang.”

“I’m sorry Wen-gongzi.” Xingchen sniffed, accepting the cup, “I… I don’t know what came over me.”

“You were a blade.” Wen Qionglin said, “It wasn’t your fault, but it’s something that I think is usually very hard to come to terms with.”

“But it’s more than that.” Xingchen said quietly, surprised at his own willingness to say so aloud.

“Hmm? How so?” Wen Qionglin asked.

“I wasn’t just a blade. I could have left, could have asked questions.” Xingchen chewed his lip, “I… I chose to do those things, even without all the facts, I just… I just trusted because…”

“Because?”

“Because I was alone. Because I wanted to.” Xingchen gulped, “I wanted to think… to think that I could.”

“Is that so wrong?”

Xingchen didn’t know.

--

They ended the session not long after. Xingchen could tell Wen Qionglin wanted to do some more digging, knew that that person would inevitably be the topic of further conversations. And as much as Xingchen wanted to just ignore him… He knew he was dead… That Xingchen had a whole new life now and that person had nothing to do with it… He knew he was dead.

But simply knowing this fact didn’t make it make sense. He could still feel the grip on his mind, squeezing, hurting. Reminding Xingchen of who he had become, of what Xingchen was capable of. Of just how many signs Xingchen would ignore, simply to fulfill his own selfish desire for connection. Of how easily Xingchen could be made into a puppet. No demonic cultivation required.

Wen Qionglin had insisted on walking Xingchen back to his and Zichen’s room. It was quiet, not a word spoken between them beyond the casual “This way” or “There’s a rock” from Wen Qionglin. Xingchen focused on his shuffling feet, one in front of the other, all the way back. He felt the scraping of his shoes against the dirt path and knew he should lift his feet higher. But they were just so heavy.

Wen Qionglin knocked on the door, which slid open in short order, “Song-daozhang,” Wen Qionglin said, speaking aloud for Xingchen’s benefit, “Xiao-daozhang and I had a hard conversation today. I think he is tired.”

Gentle hands touched Xiao Xingchen’s wrists. Hesitant, asking.

“Z-Zichen.” Xingchen stammered, grabbing for the other’s wrists, and the two stepped into the room.

“Have a good day, Daozhangs.” Wen Qionglin took his leave, closing the door behind him.

A finger stroked Xingchen’s wrists, wondering, but not asking, what was wrong. Something about the soothing motion, the reminder that they were both here, with arms, not blades, crossing…

Xingchen took a breath and forcefully tucked away the session, locking it behind a door in his mind, far from Zichen. Zichen didn’t deserve this. This was why he had wanted to do the sessions alone, to protect Zichen from this part of the mess. This part that may never be fixed, but could maybe be contained.

There were so many things Xingchen wasn’t sure of any more. So many rotted roots he would have to pull out, to make space to plant something new. But here was Zichen. And Zichen, he knew, could be trusted, could be leaned on. Zichen was the sturdy and reliable thing in his life. And as Xingchen felt the other’s hand on his cheek, he realized he had not changed the cloth wrapped over his eyes, tainted now with spots that must by now be drying to ugly rusty browns. He had once again neglected to account for something so obvious to anyone else.

Zichen pulled Xingchen closer, resting his face into Xingchen’s robes. Xingchen reciprocated, the choice to comfort Zichen always an easy one, and felt the other’s tears soak into his shoulder.

Still, Xingchen worried, thinking about his own now saline-wet shoulder compared to the bloody mess Xingchen was soaking into Zichen’s, whether he was more of a reassuring or a chaotic force to Zichen.

--

Weeks passed. Wen Qionglin’s solo sessions with Xingchen were clearly having an effect, but not one that Song Lan thought seemed particularly pleasant for Xingchen. Song Lan trusted Wen Qionglin and his methods, though, and could only assume that this must be a normal, hopefully temporary, part of the healing process.

Xingchen had a reputation for being kind, gentle, warm. And unlike many Song Lan had encountered, the reputation suited the man. But this did not mean Xingchen did not have his edges, that he wouldn’t snap. It just meant that, inevitably, when he calmed down after such an outburst, his anger would be turned twofold back in on himself. It was on this last bit of the cycle they seemed to be at right now.

“I’m sorry Zichen.” Xingchen whispered, emerging finally from the room he had so unceremoniously demanded Song Lan leave a short while ago. Though Song Lan’s lip was chewed raw with worry, he couldn’t help but warm at Xingchen’s unquestioning expectation that Song Lan would be there, just outside, sitting, waiting.

Of course they had been through this before. Song Lan had begun to track time not by the passage of days and nights, but by the shifting tides of Xingchen’s moods.

Song Lan could guess what Xingchen and Wen Qionglin were talking in sessions. Even without being the scholar that he was, it was not a stretch to imagine what events would lead Xingchen to feel this way. But Song Lan wished he did not have to guess. He saw the moments Xingchen almost told him, noticed the shifts in expression Xingchen had never been good at hiding, especially now that he didn’t even have the benefit of taking others’ responses as a cue to restrain them. Xingchen wanted to talk. Song Lan wanted to listen. And the most frustrating thing was that even though Song Lan was now an expert in alternative ways to speak, neither sign language nor guqin chords could make this any easier for Xingchen.

Xingchen sat in the same spot he always sat after he had calmed. Song Lan knew Xingchen thought that his fits of anger were far worse than they were. But to someone who valued maintaining an even, kind, tone, for whom even the most insignificant of violent acts or words must be justified, he supposed that Xingchen must imagine his slight to have been terrible.

“I’m sorry…” Xingchen repeated.

No apologies needed, Song Lan had learned weeks ago to take the guqin with him when he was told to leave, You were surprised and… Song Lan hunted for the chord, fingers hesitating before strumming, scared.

“You’re too forgiving of me, Zichen,” Xingchen smiled faintly, but the expression was hollow, “You should not have to deal with such behaviour.”

If Song Lan was as unrestrained in his expressions as Xingchen, he might have laughed, My temper is worse than yours. He had played the chord for “anger,” not “temper,” but that would have to be close enough. His guqin training and progressed well, but the nuances still escaped him. Luckily, their shared memories of Xingchen’s teasing of his sharp tongue, of his impulsivity when someone he cared about was at stake, would bridge the lingual gap.    

Xingchen laughed, but said nothing. There was something missing from the laughter. Or rather, something added to it, like a thick dust spoiling what should have been a pleasant breeze.

No matter how many times this happened, no matter how many bursts of anger, tears, shame, or frustration Zichen watched Xingchen go through, no matter how many opportunities to practice, to be a source of reassurance, Zichen never felt any less helpless. He had never seen Xingchen like this. Perhaps it was comparable his own swirl of emotions after he arrived at Baixue Temple for his Master’s birthday all those years ago, but all that meant was that Song Lan knew better than anyone how little could be said or done to relieve the guilt of redirecting anger and blame where they didn’t belong.

He knew the only thing he could do now is to make sure Xingchen knew: no matter how many times Xingchen’s past burned into his present, how often the thoughts, the guilt, the pain took over, Song Lan would forgive him, would never blame him. Song Lan would be there waiting for him, ready to defy the monsters that haunted Xingchen’s thoughts, to show them that whatever pain they caused his beloved could be lifted. That whatever comments or snipes they forced out of Xingchen’s mouth were forgiven or addressed, never allowed to wear away at the bond between them.

Because, at the end of the day, Song Lan too needed to live in a world where a moment of irrationality, a brief outburst, could never again take away all that he loved. That even the strongest words, with the direst of unforeseen outcomes, could still be forgiven.

That he would never again be in a position to fear that the final words, the last wish, he had spoken aloud to Xingchen had come true.

Next and final: Chapter 8, Memory (to be posted this Friday!)

[orionsangel86]

So, after a long conversation with super-powerful-queen-slaynna, whom you can thank for me sending this message, so like... if you like it good, if you don't blame them, I do want to apologize for assuming you were saying people can't talk about Destiel, its shippers and how much they dislike it in their group chats. That's what the post came off to me, as if you were policing what people could and couldn't say in these GC about Destiel. Slaynna made me realiza that you meant your post as a 1/2

warning to Destiel shippers who might wander into them. I understand this, because whenever a Destiel shipper follows me, I make it a point to warn them my blog might not be a positive space for them precisely to avoid this sort of unplesant interactions. It also came off as you were invalidating and dismissing the bad experiences people might have had with misbehaving Destiel shippers, which I'm sure you're nice enough NOT to do. My beef is really not with you, or Tink, or any other Destiel 2/?

meta writer, my beef is with shippers who are genuinely hateful and do hateful things. You simply came off as you didn't believe there are Destiel shippers who do these things at all. That say, I won't apologize for venting to like-minded people about my utter dislike for the ship, because we do in fact do that. But I don't think it's fair you walked in on us at that point and extrapolated that's all we do. BTW there is in fact an Anti-Destiel GC and the irony is, if you had walked into that 3/4

one 24hrs earlier, you would have in fact found people gushing about Megstiel and Sastiel, LMAO. 4/4

...

Okay, I’ll give you pointers for being bold enough to come explain this in my ask box, and I commend @super-powerful-queen-slayyna for reaching out to try to calm the stormy seas. I am most likely not going to make any further comments on that post anyway because it has blown out of control and has escalated into a full blown ship war post which I never wanted when I sent it. It’s now Destiel shippers and my friends trying to defend me or people blatantly calling me names and using unnecessary language which I am not even going to acknowledge or give the time of day as I don’t go in for that sort of childish name calling (unless you count my use of the word bronly but some things I think even we can agree are a necessary evil).

My post was a response to my own hurt and irritation at coming across two GCs, one for Sastiel, and one for Megstiel, which were both recommended to me by Tumblr, which were not tagged as anti-Destiel that I could see, that appeared on the surface to simply be places for people to discuss and squee over those ships. In both GCs I saw nothing but hate and lies and other upsetting comments about Destiel and Destiel shippers. It was extremely disheartening to see that in what on the surface appeared to be safe spaces. Because here’s the thing, these shipper GCs should be safe spaces. I have friends that are multishippers, that like Sastiel (and even the odd few who like Megstiel even though admittedly I don’t anymore.) There are plenty of other people out there in fandom that might like all three ships (I’d imagine those people simply want Cas to have all the love in which case SAME). 

To get one point very clear, I don’t actually care if people hate Destiel. I’m not going to preach to anyone about Destiel unless someone comes to me directly or comes scrolling my blog. I always tag Destiel so anyone who uses Tumblr blacklist should be able to avoid my blog completely. I would never intentionally go looking in an anti Destiel chat group. I’ve seen it all before anyway and it’s the same old arguments that really don’t affect my shipping preferences or my beliefs. 

What annoyed me was that those GCs were not anti Destiel chats. They were Megstiel and Sastiel chats. They were places where impressionable young Megstiel and Sastiel shippers could come across, who have zero feelings towards Destiel, and find themselves being told a bunch of lies and nasty crap about Destiel shippers and the ship. They are places where Destiel shippers who like to ship those other ships too might come across and suddenly find themselves isolated and alienated, which only perpetuates retaliation from those Destiel shippers and potentially causes the hate that you stress is so virulent among Destiel shippers to begin with.

My post was a warning for multishippers who are also Destiel shippers or at least Destiel friendly, that those GCs were being used to spread hate about Destiel. It was also an FYI to the people in those GCs that their hatred was very much public, in case they weren’t aware. I tagged the ships because I wanted people who ship Megstiel and Sastiel to see it, especially if they are Destiel friendly, because yeah, I’d want them to avoid those GCs.

Yes I then got snarky. I claimed that this does kinda prove a point because no Destiel GC that I’ve seen includes a bunch of hate and nastiness aimed at other ships. Sure, there is a high chance that there are hateful Destiel shippers out there. There are certainly a lot of bitter people on Twitter who piss me off when they scream queerbaiting at the writers so yes, of course there are bad eggs. I was shocked that from what I saw, there was no squee or shared theories or excitement about the ships, just page after page of hate aimed at Destiel shippers. So yes, perhaps I happened upon both convos right when those topics cropped up (which would be rather coincidental) and perhaps I had just missed the topics that I was interested in checking out - the theories, the meta, the spec... That’s what I was interested in. Since these GCs are a way to keep a finger on the pulse of what the fandom might be thinking in terms of the show and shipping and I was curious. Believe it or not I actually like to keep an open mind even though Megstiel is something that gives me a bad taste in my mouth ever since I sat myself down and truly thought about it. 

I generalised. I know I shouldn’t have done that, but those GC convos pissed me off. I don’t know a single Destiel shipper who would spend hours of their day just ranting about how awful Megstiel shippers are and how much they hate the pairing. I HAVE debated with friends about the suspected infiltration of the Megstiel ship by Bronlies who are using Meg to get Cas out of the way and to be spiteful towards Destiel shippers. This IS something that has been happening in recent years and I think even you admitted that in one of your replies to my post.

I also wasn’t trying to invalidate your experience with hate. I would never do that. The one thing I will say about anon hate in particular is that you don’t know who it is coming from. I occasionally get anon hate but I certainly don’t immediately assume it’s a w*ncest shipper just because I can’t stand w*ncest. Getting a message in your ask box that says “go kill yourself” is horrible, believe me, I know. But if that’s all it is, you can’t assume the sender was a shipper at all. Unless the message was “I ship Destiel and you can go kill yourself” you just can’t assume. If you have had actual Destiel shippers come and attack and threaten you and send you those messages directly then 1. I am so so sorry because no one deserves that kind of abuse, and 2. I hope you exposed them if you could. Because if there is one thing I have learnt about the Destiel shippers in MY circles, it’s that we find that kind of behaviour completely unacceptable and we WILL call it out from our own side if we see it. 

The reason I have such a high opinion of Destiel shippers being the “nice” people in fandom is simply because I have never seen that kind of behaviour from them. I interact with a lot of people. I have seen Destiel shippers get overly passionate, I have seen them get upset and angry when people lash out at them. I have seen them turn bitter and negative and go off on rants about the show. I have seen them dog pile on an anti’s post to provide evidence against a false claim “Kripke said he’s straight” and I thought it was a bit much... but it wasn’t hate. It was a reaction to years and years and years of being laughed at, called delusional, mocked and ridiculed by all other sides within the fandom. Destiel shippers are desperate for validation. They are desperate to disprove the lies. If people actually listened to us, or read the countless posts that have been written clearly providing evidence and sources to disprove every lie and false claim against Destiel perhaps we wouldn’t be so defensive. That’s what happens when you’ve been gaslighted for 11 years. 

But regardless, I’m not here to get involved in shipping wars. You’ll continue going on hating Destiel, and I will continue going on and, well, not hating, but very much disliking Megstiel in canon (though I have read some very sweet Destiel fics where Meg is Cas’s best friend and enjoyed the characterisations there.) 

My post was never to gatekeep and stop you from ranting about Destiel. Rant away to your hearts content. As I said above I really don’t care if people hate it. All I ask, is that you keep that kind of content in places that are clearly labelled as anti Destiel. So that should a Destiel shipper want to check out a Sastiel or a Megstiel GC, they can do, without feeling completely unwelcome and hated on just for enjoying Dean and Cas’s relationship as well. I really don’t think that’s too much to ask. All it takes is one tag right? Create your Megstiel GC and by all means rant about Destiel in it, but please just tag it as Anti Destiel.

Thank you for reaching out to me and explaining your side of things. I do appreciate it. 

[airbender-dacyon]

Life and Kataang Week Delays

So I’ve been thinking about writing up this post for a while now, but haven’t had the chance until today.  Its part explanation as to why there were so many delays and inconsistent updates with Kataang Week and part cathartic exercise for me personally.  If you’re curious about what happened, feel free to read. I think this is more for me than anyone else, but like I said, it also serves as something of an explanation for how I poorly handled Kataang Week this year. 

Before I get into the details, I’d just like to give a huge shout out to everyone who has offered me kind words and support these last several weeks.  It means the world to me.  And I sincerely apologize if I forget a name or two; @kristallioness @thecaroliner @the-rosey-one @s-n-arly  @mindatworkk and @secretsecrettunnel 

And thank you to everyone who participated in Kataang Week or helped spread the word that it was still happening.  

If you’ve followed my personal blog for a while, you know I’m prone to hiatuses due to personal life or more likely, my anxiety/depression.  And while I can more or less manage that outside of the internet, my online presence suffers.  I spent far too long as a recluse back in 2013/2014 hiding away from friends and family in real life by retreating into the internet.  I have no desire to return to those days.  So despite my best efforts, much of this year I was unfortunately unable to maintain a consistent presence on tumblr. 

The source of much of that anxiety was my former warehouse job, which I just very recently left. The work itself was not terrible, but after the first few weeks it transitioned from a 40 hours per week job to 50-60 hours per week.  The mandatory overtime, combined with family obligations, left me with very little time to focus on my personal life.  The pay wasn’t as great as previous jobs I’d held, the benefits were crap, the management was more concerned about hiring new employees than retaining current ones, and overall the experience just left me physically drained and apathetic towards the job/company.

Additional anxiety came from working towards entry into graduate school, just prior to starting said former job.  Although I was accepted into the graduate school of my choice, I still have plenty of work to do before the semester starts in a few weeks.  Again, most everything in my life was put on hold or pushed back thanks to that warehouse. 

And although my exact area wasn’t directly affected, Southwest Ohio has been dealing with a lot this year.  Several tornadoes tore through the region, heavy rains affected farming and roads for weeks, and much more recently, the shock of the mass shooting in Dayton. Again, while none of these have directly affected me, I personally know friends and family who were affected. And while we were fortunate to not have friends or family lost in the Oregon District, we are saddened at the loss of life and terrified at how quickly such a tragedy came about, especially in an area we imagined was welcoming and safe. 

All of what I mentioned above was plenty to deal with, but I think I would have probably been able to keep up with Kataang Week/tumblr had I not been dealing with the grief that I am. 

Around February/March, I learned that an old high school classmate and friend committed suicide. I scrambled to try and remember when we had last spoken and realized that – with the exception of possible, since deleted conversations on facebook – we likely hadn’t talked since graduation several years ago.  I have vague memories of them – I know what they looked like, their voice, their general attitude and personality – but whenever I try to really remember events or exact memories, I draw blanks.  And I think that hurts me as much as actually losing them because in a sense, I’d already lost them in my memories before I lost them in life. 

On a similar note, I’ve learned about other friends I’ve known from high school and college and how some of them have changed and… I’m not sure what hurts worse on that front – uncertain if we’re really friends anymore or that I discovered these developments on my own/they didn’t trust me enough to tell me directly.  Some of them I lost when I became a recluse in 2013/2014, others I don’t really know when.  And I know people grow and change through life, but it hurts all the same.

Within days of hearing about my classmate’s suicide, I learned my last living grandparent – my grandmother – had passed away.  She had suffered from Alzheimer’s/dementia for about five years now, declining with each and every visit until other relatives managed to move her to a nursing home to provide her with better care.  I hadn’t seen her in well over a year by the time she passed due to the distance to travel to where she lived and the next loss I’m going to talk about.  I cried after the fact, but up to and during her funeral, I just felt numb.  

It was these losses that caused the initial delays for Kataang Week this year. 

For almost the last two years, the greatest obligation in my family life was to visit another relative – a member of my immediate family – who was suffering from a rare disease. 

My mother was misdiagnosed with Parkinson’s some years ago and she fought valiantly to maintain her life despite the rather aggressive onset of the disease.  By the time she was reliant on a cane, she had to quit her job and apply for disability.  The next year, she was reliant on a walker; less than a year later, a wheelchair.  As her motor control and strength were taken from her, so was her mind in bits and pieces. She became confused and forgetful more often, slurred her speech and lost her voice some days, among other symptoms. My father and I did the best we could to make our home accessible to her, but eventually even in a wheelchair she became largely reliant on the two of us. 

My Dad shouldered most of her care and for far longer than he probably should have.  After speaking with a neurologist about the possibility of a surgical procedure (deep brain stimulation, I believe – known to help ‘reset’ the brain for Parkinson’s patients and give them independence and motor control again for another 5-10 years), we were informed that my Mom wasn’t actually afflicted with Parkinson’s. 

The disease she actually suffered from is known as Multiple System Atrophy (often referred to simply as MSA) and presents itself as ‘Parkinson’s on steroids.’  It is much less common than Parkinson’s and there is no cure.  After symptom onset, those afflicted with MSA live for an average of 7 more years before succumbing to complications (most often respiratory related) resulting from the disease. 

Eventually it became too difficult to care for her at home and we moved her into a nursing home. So when I was home from school or off work, I spent as much time as I could with my Mom in her new home.  As a result, 10 hour days followed by several hours at the nursing home didn’t leave me with much time for tumblr/Kataang Week this year. 

She sometimes had enough strength and mental aptitude to move herself around in her wheelchair, other times she was still reliant on family or staff.  She made new friends and eventually came to accept her situation.  She knew she was declining and often wondered what she had done to deserve such a cruel fate.

Within the last year, she became almost entirely confined to her bed.  She didn’t have the strength to sit up long enough in a wheelchair for anything other than short trips through the nursing home for her personal hygiene.  On days she was more mentally ‘with it,’ more aware of her situation, she was very depressed with her situation.  The best days were when she could hold conversations and laugh, despite everything. However, the good days increasingly became fewer and father apart.  She began to eat less and simply stare at visitors. 

After almost two weeks of staring with little talking and poor appetite, I had a good day with her.  She was smiling and talking with me.  She ate a decent dinner that evening.  We laughed at funny commercials on the television and family stories.  It was a good day.  I thought things were going to start looking up, getting better.  I wish I had stayed with her longer that night.

I don’t think she ever spoke more than a few words after that night.  The poor appetite and vacant staring returned, interrupted only by an occasional spark of consciousness or smile.  Within a week of that last good day I spent with her, hospice told us she was likely not going to live much longer; she passed not even a full day after hospice told us that.

We had been living in a state of perpetual grief as we watched her slip further and further away these last several years.  But to lose her so suddenly still cut deep.  We were also relieved that she didn’t have to suffer anymore.

My Mom’s rapid decline and death happened in the final weeks leading up to Kataang Week. I tried to get things situated well enough for the week, but I failed.  I appreciate everyone’s support and patience this year and Marie for helping out when I needed it most.  

 o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

TL;DR - Work, weather, and deaths of friends/family piled on the anxiety/depression and delayed Kataang Week. 

So if you’ve taken the time to read all of this, I thank you.  I feel a little lighter now that I’ve written it all out.  And if you made it this far, I’d just like to say – the next time you see your parents or a loved one you haven’t seen in a while, give them a hug.  Tell them you love them.  You never know how much longer you’ll have with them.  Sometimes the death of a loved one is sudden and unexpected. Sometimes it’s an inevitability you’ve feared for years.  Either way, it hurts like hell. 

To end, I’d just like to wish all my mutuals, friends, and followers – and their loved ones – long, healthy, and happy lives.  And again, thank you all for your boundless support and friendship.

- Dan