#if i get sick because i've been sleeping like an asshole trying to fix my sleep schedule i'm gonna cry

[fooltofancy]

happy chrysler, housing edition

[mysticdreamcafe]

I refuse to be beaten!

First I'm sorry to all of you who I didn't get a reading done for under the mystictarotcafe. My health has been a battle and sometimes the battle turns into a personal war. After weeks and weeks of this I'm finally winning the war...I hope.

This process of trying to say out of the hospital is exhausting. Sitting up so I can breathe while sleeping is a pain and even worse since I'm a stomach sleeper.

However, my body terrorizing me seems to be coming to an end. In a good way not a bad way. I'm getting stronger but after years of going through these cycles it seems I take longer to recover after each bout. I'm still so tired it's amazing. *glares at dogs who barked until I got up this morning to give them a treat and everyone else stayed in bed*

I did manage to leave the house a week ago to go get a hair cut and buy a few things I needed. I actually did these errands while having a seizure. I haven't decided if I'm impressed with myself or simply an idiot. I stayed awake during the whole thing vs the passing out and twitching like a freshly caught fish out of water.

You'd think that a neurologist you've seen for years would clue you in to the fact seizures have many different facets and ways of happening. I'm new to them so EDUCATE ME YOU ASSHOLES! As you can see they didn't give me any information and the internet is an overload of information that isn't always clear.

Before people start, I think I may have missed this mark already, asking their screens if I take anti-seizure meds the answer is yes I do. I did stop taking the anxiety medication, it helps with seizures but not why prescribed, because I've been on this category of addictive drug for over 10 years. It took over 2 months to have a seizure after I stopped taking it. That's a month or more after the withdraws quit and I felt like me again.

So, now that I'm feeling a bit better I'm back to meditation, eating a lot of veg/fruit/meat/fish, and doing small things around the house to get me moving. I'll gradually get back into working out and hopefully make it to the Y's pool soon.

Ending on a positive note my immune therapy injections have been approved. I'm simply waiting for the specialized pharmacy to set up a delivery date and a nurse from them to make appointment to show me what I'm to do. It's a self injection process so I need to be taught what to do and what not to. Plus we need to see if I react adversely to it with a medical professional is on site.

Wish me luck. I'm hoping in a few months I'll not be as sick and these shots will fix at least one thing for me.

May all Divine spirits bless us all this summer.

[rippeds0cks]

11/19/2023

These last days have been so atrociously bad. My family doesn't do anything but yell at me. Even though I moved back to offer a helping hand to them since they struggle to contain my little brother when I'm not around. He's an asshole too though. I'm either getting shit from him or my parents no matter what I do and it is exhausting. If I'm soft and patient I don't get taken seriously. If I am stern and patient I get yelled at by my parents cause they don't like me being stern. If I ever hit my little brother I'm screamed at for hitting him even though I don't hit him even a quarter as hard as I could. so I just end up letting my little brother hit me cause it doesn't hurt and I would rather just not hear them. Which is ironic cause they seem to forget that at his age and younger I had to take full-grown man punches and no one said anything or cared. Just kidding I know they don't forget, they just tell me it never happened and I'm dramatic. It's whatever. I just gotta get out of this house as soon as possible. I've almost entirely given up on helping my little brother. Nothing I do gets through to him and I'm tired of taking the hits on the chin and pushing forward. I'm exhausted just in general. This is something I've talked with my therapist about extensively but it's so tiring to exist in my body. I'm constantly in head-splitting pain and it has been progressively getting worse. My nerves are worse than ever before. It's not uncommon for my hands to just go static and I drop whatever I have. My eyes thankfully haven't gotten much worse lately but I did fuck up my ear recently. It has had something wrong with it for a while now ever since I was fighting in Japan and I got kneed in the right side of my head which made the eardrum pop. Which was chill I was fine with it but then just the other day I was blowing my nose really hard since I'm currently sick and I got a really sharp pain in my right ear and there was a loud ringing as well. Now that they've subsided it just sounds different than my left ear. it's slightly quieter but not that bad. Mostly just sucks cause when it's silent I can hear the blood going through it. That's all fine though I can deal with it. The thing that the worst is my lack of quality sleep. I can't get quality sleep no matter what. If I try sleeping raw I'll toss and turn for 8 hours and maybe in that 8 hours I'll get an hour of sleep broken up into 20-minute fragments. If I try sleeping with medication I pass out quickly but I have shitty quality sleep where Im having like 10 dreams a night and usually like 3 of them are PTSD so I wake up, 1 is a good dream but it lasts for what feels like an instant, and the other ~6 are just random shit that makes no sense. Not even to mention every time I wake up the blood in my body stops flowing to my arms or something cause they're always numb which I fix by shaking them till the blood flows again and I can move them. And all of this would be a cakewalk if I had something to be happy about or to come home to at the end of the day but my life is hollow. I say that I can handle it but in reality, it's breaking me down cause I have no relief. I can't even enjoy sleeping anymore. I can't kill myself no matter how much I want to because I have to make some use of my life by firefighting. So I'm just stuck in this limbo of having a shitty life but no relief. But I guess I deserve it. I've been a real piece of shit my whole life so it just means I'm laying in the bed I made.

[trashcatsnark]

I've been toying with an AU where Johnny gets to return to his body AND V survives, but the relic still wrecked their body and they're still dying, so they join the Aldecaldos to look for the cure (essetially the star ending + Johnny). Johnny kinda had to become the caretaker for V, since they're too weak to do a lot themselves. He feels like he's fucking up constantly, but he's doing his best; he can't cook, but he always buys V their favorite flavor of instant ramen, for example. Or does something like "you should sleep V, you look like shit. You don't feel like it? Too bad, because I'm lying down right next to you and I'm not leaving untill I hear you snoring (which you do btw)". In reality he loves to listen to their heartbeat and breathing, and now that he has his own, he hopes that V finds it as comforting and soothing as the other way around. He devoted himself to getting V the help they need and V themselves back when he was an engram, and he intends to keep this promise of guardianship in whatever form necessary, be it snapping someone's neck to protect them or making them some ramen and nagging them to eat it.

Awwwwwwww, I adore that please give me! (V better end up okay in that AU or I’ll riot) 

Spoilers for Cyberpunk 2077 Endings In My Response 

I downright adore the idea of Johnny at some point having to take care of V. I really want with my own V for it to follow Temperance ending at first with V letting him take their body. And then Johnny very adamantly saying No, fuck it I can’t let this go, I will rip V out of cyberspace if only to wring their neck and tell them what an idiot they are for sacrificing their life for mine. 

So, he works with all of the everybody to get them back, get him a body because V refuses to leave cyberspace unless they’re both saved, And they find a fix. 

But what I’m getting to is similarly to your AU is I imagine, all of this will take a huge toll on V’s body and the recovery process will be a long one. Days, weeks, where V barely leaves bed cause they’re still too weak. There body has been under so much duress while his was under cryogenic stabilization. His body accepted him back easily, with no trouble, and V has to be pumped with medication to make their body not reject their very presence in it, intensively for the first couple months and then after enough progress they can go down on it. And Johnny takes up the role of playing caretaker, because he can’t after all of this just watch V suffer and do nothing about it. 

And Johnny, feels immense guilt, as he would in the AU as he does with any kind of suffering V endures because of the chip, because of Mikoshi, because of him. Not only does he blame himself, but there’s a sense fo survivors guilt in each scenario, because while V isn’t gone. They suffer while he’s fine and that just isn’t right; why should he be the one doing great and okay while V is actively hurting, when they did nothing wrong, they don’t deserve this. 

I also, agree wholeheartedly with your view of him as a caretaker and planned as much with it in mine, because Johnny is so fucking clumsy with it. Because he’s never had to be the responsible person is any situation. Depending on the person, anytime someone he knew sick came to him he’d either tell them not to be a pussy or offer to lay with them as a thinly veiled excuse to touch them and see if he could still get laid. (Alt wasn’t particular amused by that and yelled at him and Rogue saw it coming a mile away and told him to kick rocks)  

He feels so out of his element, he knows he wants to, needs to do this for V. But he’s overthinking everything and feels like he’s fucking up every second. He knows their favorite foods, favorite ramen, favorite dessert, favorite everything and he tries to get them for him. Because he, like you said, cannot fucking cook. He can’t make anything, boy burns water. And a part of him is second guessing even giving them their favorites, cause, ramen isn’t great for recovery is it? He can’t give them shitty buck-a-slice pizza when they’re still healing right? That’s bad...right? He doesn’t even know how to be healthy, how is he suppose to help keep V healthy? He might even try to outsource cooking to one of the Aldecaldos if they’re with the nomads or Mama Welles if they’re in the city (he considered for a second asking River to make jambalaya for them, but immediately decided no) but even that makes him feel bad, because then is he really the one taking care of them, but should he be that selfish, to prioritize his own ego in caring for them over them getting the best care? He can’t clean their living area worth shit; their tent or apartment space is messier than usual. If in the city, Kerry offers to pay for a maid service and Johnny refuses, because god damn it he shouldn’t be this incompetent. He has to take care of Nibbles for V a lot of the time and he’s never taken care of a cat before; he doesn’t know how to clean a litter box. He sometimes has to help V shower or bathe when its really bad and finds himself worrying about if he should be doing that, if they think he’s just being a pervert, if he should ask someone else (then remembers that someone else would see them naked and he doesn’t like that too much either and is that selfish?) He honestly has so much worry and anxiety when it comes to V. And while I think he’s always had a hidden level of self hatred and disgust with himself; the anxiety and doubtfulness is definitely a bit..new to him. He was always confident, assured, and determined; he hated himself, knew he was an asshole, but he was an asshole who’d get shit done or die trying, sacrifice every relationship he had for his goals and refused to think about the consequences because it was worth it. Now, he’s freaking out internally about whether or not he can make spaghetti for his favorite merc. 

Meanwhile V is just like, Johnny let me sleep on your chest as you hum samurai songs and I’ll be happy. 

V: Look, I made Johnny a better person!

Kerry: You fucked up a perfectly good rockerboy is what you did, he’s got anxiety!

[gretavanfleetlife]

Only Time Will Tell:

Chapter 4

AN: Hey! This chapter is fkn CUTE lemme just tell ya. Sorry this part took a bit longer than the others, I’ve been pretty busy lately and I didn’t want to rush through it. Anyway I hope you guys enjoy, love you all!💕

Also big shoutout to my boy Rami Malek for portraying a legend beautifully and winning a well deserved Oscar tonight!!😊

Warnings: flufffff

Word count: 2,250

You open your eyes slowly, feeling a painful headache beginning and a sick feeling in your stomach. Last night was not kind. You start to remember all the events that took place yesterday but you quickly dismiss the memories, as they would only contribute to your headache and you'd rather just about forget them entirely. Your body aches. You go to stretch out your arms but stop when you notice an arm wrapped loosely around your waist. Glancing over your shoulder, you see Sam sleeping peacefully next to you. A light shade of pink grazes your cheeks and you lay still, not knowing what to do but slightly enjoying Sam's gentle touch. You decide that you should probably get up, moving your leg to the side of the bed in an attempt to sit up. You try to slide his arm off of your waist, but feeling you moving makes Sam tighten his grip on you and tug you back into his arms, pulling you close into his chest. His arms are tight around you now and there is practically no space in between the two of you. The blush on your face deepens as he nuzzles his face into your neck. You know you don't have any chance of moving from this without waking him up, so you decide to go back to sleep. Pressed snuggly against his body, you easily drift off into a hazy dream.

About an hour later, you wake up to feel Sam stirring awake. You feel his head pull back from being tucked against your neck.

"Holy shit," you hear Sam whisper as he loosens his grasp around you. You feel his body leave yours and find yourself wishing for it to return. You hear him move to sit up on the opposite end of the bed. You stretch and sit up, turning your body to glance at him. He faces the wall, shaking his head slightly while he runs his hand through his messy hair. You giggle at the fact that he was anxious to have been cuddling you since at first, you felt the same way. Sam hears you laugh and immediately turns. You see him blush as he looks at you with wide eyes, despite having just woken up. His expression softens slightly as he gives you a small smile.

"Morning y/n, you feeling ok?" He asks.

"I've been better but nothing I can't handle," you reply, as he gives you a small nod. Waking up in Sam's arms almost made you forget about your hangover completely. You notice Sam holding his right hand and examining it closely. "What's wrong with your hand?" you ask him. Sam glances up at you.

"Oh nothing it's fine," he says unconvincingly. You don't believe him, so you throw the covers off of your body and stand up, moving towards the opposite side of the bed where Sam sits facing the wall. He looks at you and his eyes scan over your body as you notice his shoulders slightly tense. You look down at yourself and realize you're wearing his t-shirt and a pair of underwear. You could see your bra lying on the ground near a pair of Sam's sweatpants on the other side of the bed. You begin to blush but quickly regain your focus and go to stand in front of Sam.

"Can I see your hand please?" you ask. Sam slowly removes his hand from between his arms and shows you his fist, his knuckles cracked with dry blood that looks extremely painful. You let out a small gasp and take his hand into yours, examining it, "oh Sammy, what did you do," you whisper, "come on let's clean you up." You continue to hold his hand as you lead him towards his bathroom. You turn on the tap and help him wash his bruised knuckles, rinsing away the blood. Sam watches you carefully while you tend to his hand.

"Jesus Sammy, how hard did you hit him?" you mumble.

"As hard as I could," he responds gently.

"I'm sorry about this Sam."

"Why? It's not your fault," he replies, his eyes still fixed on yours as you caress the back of his hand gently, turning the water off and drying his hand with a towel.

"I just feel like the fight only happened because of me," you frown, finished cleaning his fist.

"Y/n no don't feel bad, it happened because Cam is an asshole. No one should ever touch a girl like that. Especially if that girl is you." You look up at him, blushing at his words.

"Come here," you open your arms and pull Sam closely into a hug. You bury your face into his chest and listen to the faint beating of his heart. You always felt that Sam's hugs were to die for, standing completely engulfed in the warmth of his body. You wanted him to hold you here forever. You felt safe in his arms. Butterflies swarmed in your stomach, a feeling you'd never gotten before from simply hugging Sam. You pull away and look up at him. For some reason, it was like you couldn't move your gaze away from his face. He gazed back at you, seeming to imitate your actions as his eyes swept across your face. You had been friends ever since you could remember, but at that moment it was like the first time you saw him.

"I think you should probably head home soon. Knowing your dad he'll probably be worried," Sam says softly. You listen to his words but your eyes don't stray from his face.

"Yeah, you're probably right," you say as you give him a small smile. You continue to study each other for a moment longer but decide it'd best for you to get going. You pry your eyes away from Sam and head towards his bed, grabbing your bra and dress that lay scattered across the floor and mindlessly throw it in a bag along with your clothes from yesterday. You daydream about Sam, hardly paying any attention as you put on his sweatpants that you found near the bed. You feel extremely confused, why do you feel this way about Sam now? What even is this feeling? You know that you find him attractive, his deep brown eyes and long wavy hair handsomely completing his facial features. But no this isn't right, this is the same Sam that you grew up with, nothing's changed. So why do you feel this way about him now? You finish packing your things and glance over at him to find him already looking at you.

"Do you want a ride home?" Sam offers as the two of you head out of his room together and walk downstairs.

"No that's ok Sam, I can walk," you reply politely. You want some time alone so you can figure out your sudden complex feelings towards Sam.

"Alright, I'll walk you over then," he decides, slipping on a pair of worn-in sandals.

"You don't have to," you smile, "I'll be ok."

"Well I gotta head over to my aunt's house anyway to grab lunch and she lives just past your house."

"Oh ok, great," you reply as the two of you walk out the door and start towards your house. You were thankful that you didn't live too far, just on the other end of the street. Being around Sam felt different now, although it was still a good feeling. You walked straight into the middle of the road, a habit you developed when you were kids that you've continued ever since.

-flashback-

The sun was just beginning to appear over the horizon as you walked on the sidewalk next to Sam. The two of you were headed back to school after a long summer filled with childish adventures. You were beginning grade 7 that year, so the two of you were used to walking to school without Josh and Jake. Frankenmuth High was located deeper into town, so the twins got a ride from their dad every morning. You didn't mind walking though. Your favorite part of every day was when you watched the sun peek over the fields in the distance, calmly walking towards it with one of your closest friends. You looked at Sam.

"It's too bad this summer's already over," you sighed as Sam nodded quietly.

"Yeah, it was fun while it lasted," he replied.

"I miss it already. The freedom of waking up knowing we can do whatever we wanted, go wherever we wanted," you remembered, sadly, "now we have to go to school every day. No more limitless freedom," you sigh, watching your feet crunch against the coarse gravel.

"Then let's not walk to school," Sam said as you looked up at him confused. He holds out his hand to you and you take it in yours. His fingers intertwine with yours as he guides you away from the sidewalk and onto the middle of the empty road. "Let's walk to the sun," he said as you smile up at him, "every day."

Sam kept his word. Every day since when you got up for school in the morning, Sam would be waiting outside your house, he'd offer his hand to you, and you would walk to the sun together.

-end of flashback-

Sam held his hand out to you and smiled as you took it in yours.

"We haven't done this in a while," you say grinning to yourself.

"I know, I miss it," Sam replies, his eyes ahead as the sun rests slightly above the road in front of you.

"So do I. That was my favorite part of the day, did I ever tell you that?"

"No, you didn't," Sam says, a wide grin appearing on his face, "it was always my favorite too." As you walk beside him down the empty road, you feel happier than you've been in a long time, the problems and pain of last night's events disappearing by the touch of Sam's rough hand in yours. You see your house approaching as you make your way down the road.

"Hey are you with Ethan now?" Sam asked. The sudden change in conversation couldn't possibly ruin your mood.

"No, were not. We had something going on between us for a while but then I saw him making out with some other girl. I guess I was wrong," you shrug, not caring enough about Ethan at the moment to be upset. Sam shakes his head.

"You deserve somebody better than him anyway." A smile tugs at your lips.

"Know anyone?" you ask. Sam lets out a small laugh.

"One," he says with a smile.

"Who, Danny? He's taken," you joke.

"Oh uh, yeah Danny's who I was gonna say." His smile fades. You laugh softly and you reach your house. He drops your hand as the two of you walk up your porch steps and stop in front of the door. Sam stands in front of you and shoves his hands in his pockets.

"Thanks," you say gently.

"Anytime, you know I like walking with you."

"No, thanks for everything," you continue, "last night I was really afraid of what Cam might have done and I couldn't have gotten through it alone. Anyway, thank you for taking care of me," you ramble. Sam smiles, his eyes sincere.

"I'll always take care of you," he says softly. Your heart flutters in your chest and you smile happily at Sam. Suddenly, the door swings open and you see your dad breath a large sigh of relief.

'Y/n I was worried half to death about you! Where'd you go last night? What happened?" he asks, flustered. You open your mouth to apologize but before you can say anything you're cut off by Sam.

"It was my fault, sir. We lost track of time and I didn't think it was safe for her to walk home so late at night, so I suggested she sleep at my place." You notice your dad visibly relax.

"Oh alright then. Where exactly did you sleep if I might ask," he questions. You glance nervously at Sam, hoping he doesn't tell your dad the truth.

"Y/n slept in my bed and I slept on the couch downstairs," he replies without hesitation. You silently remind yourself to thank him later, thankful that Sam remembered how strict your dad is when it comes to you being with other boys.

"Alright Sam, thank you," your dad says before returning back inside and closing the door slightly behind him. You breathe a sigh of relief and turn back to face Sam.

"You're the best," you grin, "thanks for that." He smiles at the ground and nods.

"Of course," he replies, walking towards the porch steps, "I'll see you later."

"Yeah, see you soon," you sigh, "oh Sam wait, your clothes!" you exclaim, suddenly remembering and looking down at yourself wearing Sam's baggy shirt and sweatpants. He turns and looks to you with a chuckle.

"Keep them. They look better on you anyway." You blush, and he notices.

"Bye Sam," you say as he gives you small wave and you head inside. You close the door behind you and quickly hurry to the window. You look through the blinds, expecting to see Sam turn right towards his aunt's house. Peering through the window, you grin widely to yourself as you watch him start to walk back to his own house instead.

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