#if i get a reply? great! if i don't? no hard feelings bcs fuck if i remember ever sending it to begin with.

[astramachina]

welp. committed to the bit and now it's time to engage in the oldest and noblest of theater traditions: forget i sent anything

[niniluvsainz]

labyrinth ☽ ln4

masterlist!

in which... he has one friendship bracelet and a dream.

pairings... lando norris x fem!singer!reader

face claim: sabrina carpenter (but you can imagine reader however you'd like!)

warnings... simp lando, cursing, reader is insinuated to be american in one comment but you can just skip past that, use of y/n, oscar is trying so hard to not be noticed as a y/n fan, reader is basically taylor swift, you probably don't know when reader and lando get together bcs even i dont know but i added dates so maybe that helps?, oh and labyrinth the version that tay sang at the eras tour on the piano bcs that is superior.

author's note... yea we're burning tf out of the whole taylor / travis situation, but i'm adding my twist to it hehe

lando: it's today people.

max: WE KNOW

george: someone is moody.

max: lando, if by some chance you get to interact with her, don't say anything stupid. you've waited too long to fuck it up.

pierre: oscar, how much does lando bombard you with anything related to y/n?

oscar: i've listened to her entire discography without my consent. and i know her entire lore.

carlos: mate just have fun tonight

alex: lily said if you by some miracle get to speak to y/n to tell her that her biggest fan, lily, is her biggest fan

lando: great. oscar i'm picking you up at four.

logan: wait OSCAR'S GOING?

oscar: again, against my will.

nando: if you get to say anything to y/n tell her im a big fan

charles: NANDO TOO?

---

17 august 2024.

yourusername

liked by landonorris and others

yourusername uk i loved you too much! 🩵 thank you so much for an amazing tour. the past year has been absolutely magical, and i' so happy i got to spend it with you all. i don't know, maybe add a few more shows for next year? 🩶

view all comments.

user1 mother

user2 WE LOST THE OUTSIDE AND CASTLES CRUMBLING UK YOU WILL SEE HELL.

↳ user3 HOW DARE SHE MAKE THESE THE LAST SONGS FOR THE TOUR

user4 how does a 24 year old sell out stadiums internationally. i've been with homegirl since she was in her country yeehaw era 🥲

↳ user5 she is the moment. she is the music industry.

↳ user6 so real

gracieabrams loved opening for u bbg 💞

↳ yourusername I LOVE YOU SO MUCH 💖

milomanheim great work out there lil sis 🖤

↳ yourusername thank u for being there every step of the way bsf 🥹

---

vanityfair

liked by charles_leclerc and others

vanityfair formula one driver, lando norris, has been spotted at y/n l/n's headline tour! the british mclaren driver has been associated with l/n after publicly announcing he's a major fan. oscar piastri (not pictured), the other mclaren f1 driver, also attended the concert with his teammate. link in bio for more updates of celebrities spotted at this world-revolting concert.

comments have been limited.

---

landonorris added to their story!

caption: i'm deceased.

replies;

↳ carlossainz55 amazing, mate! show me videos when we see each other again!

↳ maxverstappen1 i sure hope after tonight you'll stop talking about her.

↳ charles_leclerc lowkey...jealous

↳ pierregasly i already miss the lando before he went to this concert.

↳ logansargeant american talent rahhh 🦅

↳ georgerussell63 haha she didn't talk to u.

↳ oscarpiastri don't tell me you caught my screaming during dont blame me.

↳ alex_albon so did you talk to her?

↳ fernandoalo_oficial i liked her song 'nonsense'.

---

"Lando, great qualifying for you today." The interviewer spoke whilst Lando adjusted the microphone in front of him. "It seems you had a great summer break, and it helped you recharge for the rest of the season, we hope. The internet was crazy when they saw pictures of you," Lando laughed nervously, as he knew what was about to be said.

"Tell us, how was summer break. We of course know what happened, but what did you feel was good about the break?"

"Er, yeah." Lando adjusted his cap. "I had an amazing break, got to see the family. And my idol." The blush was recognizable on the Papaya driver. "Y/N L/N. I went to her concert in the UK, and it was an enjoyable moment." Lando knew if he went further, he would just ramble on and on about Y/N.

"But, did you get to interact with her?" This was the question that made the British's smile falter.

"No, I did not, unfortunately." If one dream (other than being in Formula One and winning a WDC) would to come true, it would be to even interact with you. You were his idol, the person he grew up listening to. From when you were thirteen and releasing country songs, changing to pop, and to this day he was forever your number one supporter. No other person would be able to change his love for you.

"I actually made a friendship bracelet with my phone number on it, and another one with the letters L, N and my racing number. Just to keep to myself. The one with my number was for me to trade with her." Lando chuckled. "I know she probably doesn't speak to people before or after the concert. I mean, singing for three hours-you have to save every ounce of your voice for that. At the time, I took it personally. But now, I got to understand."

"And if you were to say something to her right now, what would you say?" The interviewer asked again.

"Um..." Lando thought about his words carefully. "That she's my absolute daylight. And I hope one day she comes to a race."

"Thank you, Lando." The interviewer said, before Lando was off the camera and another driver took over.

---

25 august 2024.

etentertainment

liked by milomanheim and others

etentertainment after mclaren's f1 driver, lando norris, expressed he went to y/n l/n's "the eras tour" but didn't have the opportunity to speak with her before or after the concert, the singer-songwriter has now been spotted at the zandvoort grand prix.

📷 : gettyimages

view all comments.

user7 OH MY GOD OH MY GOD WHAT WORLD ARE WE LIVING IN

user8 I'VE BEEN WAITING ON MISS L/N TO SAY SOMETHING ABOUT LANDO

user9 MISS MA'AM STARTED FOLLOWING SOME OF THE DRIVERS TODAY AS WELL

↳ user10 omg y/n in her f1 wag era 🫢

user11 she clearly is losing spotlight in the entertainment world so she has to seek help elsewhwere

↳ user12 i dont know maybe being the youngest artist to cover the top fifteen spots in the charts, sell out stadiums for her tour, is constantly being heard everywhere because of her songwriting or her songs in general all while still finishing her studies at university seems pretty successful to me but i mean, why would a thirty-year old man think that's more successful than sitting on a couch all day having something shitty to say about a woman who is thriving in life.

↳ user11 i work from the office.

↳ user13 dad, why are you fighting on the internet again.

---

oscarpiastri added to their story!

caption: lando's live reaction to seeing yourusername in the paddock

replies;

↳ maxverstappen1 no he fell to his knees mid-paddock when we were walking back to start the race

↳ user14 OMG Y/N IS IN THE PADDOCK?!

↳ user15 lando is seeing stars rn

↳ user16 he literally said in the interview yesterday after quali he wanted y/n to come to a race, AND HIS MF WISH COMES TRUE THE VERY NEXT DAY?

↳ yourusername awee where is he i wanna meet him 🫶

---

maxverstappen1

liked by yourusername and others

maxverstappen1 lando fell to his knees seconds after this picture was taken. checo tripped over him. y/n helped them up, and lando threw checo out so he could be the only one to hold y/n.

view all comments.

landonorris no that was all you.

comments have been limited.

---

yourusername

liked by landonorris and others

yourusername oh look at that

tagged: mclaren, landonorris

view all comments.

maxverstappen1 he actually made dinner good. it wasnt poisonous this time.

↳ landonorris i always cook well. you just don't like my impeccable classy taste.

carlossainz55 thank you for coming to zandvoort y/n i dont think i could've handled any more of lando's horrible cooking skills

↳ yourusername you all had yukitsunoda0511 ? isn't he the chef around here

↳ yukitsunoda0511 every one of them don't understand food. i'm unappreciated here.

↳ yourusername i appreciate you yuki 🥺

user17 i hope she gets close to the grid

user18 why do i lowk want her to date lando 🤭

↳ user19 girl we all do

charles_leclerc it was so nice meeting you, y/n!

↳ yourusername likewise, charles! but i think i liked your girlfriend better ;)

↳ alexandrasaintmleux im all yours babe

oscarpiastri it was fun meeting u or wtv

↳ yourusername lando sent me the videos and i will release them.

↳ oscarpiastri YOU WOULDN'T DARE.

---

7 september 2024.

kellypiquet added to their story!

caption: good day with good people

tagged: maxverstappen1, yourusername, landonorris

---

1 october 2024.

Another interview with Teen Vogue you were currently attending. It was a video for "Answering Fan Questions". The interview was going smoothly, until you got to a question that almost made you giggle.

How did you end up attending the Dutch Grand Prix this year? You laughed lightly, unable to hide the small blush appearing over your nose and cheeks.

"Yeah, I had the opportunity to attend a Formula One Race this year. It was very fun."

Did you know one of the drivers attended one of your concerts? One of the team members from the magazine asked behind the camera.

"Two drivers," you corrected before trying to divert the answer back to the initial question. "And yes I did know of their attendance. I didn't at the time of the concert, but when I did, I got a message from another driver. Max Verstappen." You hid your face in between your hands because you knew you were about to look like a bloated tomato.

"Um, yeah--and he messages me on Instagram. He's like 'Y/N' and 'please answer me', and sent about ten messages before I noticed the messages. So I text back and I say 'oh hi'," you mimicked a high pitch voice. "And he ends up telling me how devastated Lando was that he didn't get to talk to me. So because he, and the rest of the grid, were absolutely annoyed about Lando talking about me, he invited me to the Dutch Grand Prix, because it was also his home race." The smile couldn't be stopped from spreading on your face. "And of course I'm sure the world of F1 saw how Max and Lando reacted. One fell and the other was crying," you laughed.

"But yeah, it started as a favor to his mate. And now we're all a tight circle. I think I have discovered my found family."

---

10 october 2024.

landonorris

liked by mclaren and others

landonorris oh my god! she's insane! she wrote a song about me... on the piano!

view all comments.

maxverstappen1 stop saying it. we get it.

↳ landonorris UH OH, OH NO, OH LOOK! i dont care

yourusername my number one supporter 😍

↳ landonorris since ‘09 baby 😘

charles_leclerc i helped her too

↳ landonorris um, am i supposed to thank you?

↳ user20 IM CRYUING

oscarpiastri can you both get off my timeline

↳ user21 remember oscuh, they both have blackmail material

↳ mclaren you're actually all about to traumatize him for life with these blackmail videos (we're gonna blast them at the next race)

georgerussell63 ew.

↳ yourusername shut up you literally are always all lovey-dovey-cuddly with carmie

↳ landonorris oh we also have blackmail of you and carmen

↳ georgerussell63 you are speaking with the blackmail ceo of f1, you know?

user22 AHH PARENTS FINALLY TOGETHER

user23 BEEN HERE SINCE KARTING LANDO SAID HE WAS A FAN OF Y/N

↳ user24 OMG SAME 😭

---

20 october 2024.

yourusername added to their story!

caption: austin time 🇺🇸 🏈, hacked bitches landonorris

comments have been limited.

---

12 november 2024.

yourusername

liked by landonorris and others

yourusername oh, i'm falling in love. thank u for being my muse, little lando. labyrinth out tonight @ midnight in honor of your birthday, noodles <3

view all comments.

pierregasly i cried.

↳ yourusername you screamed actually

↳ francisca.cgomes sent the video, babe 😘

lewishamilton so happy for you both

↳ yourusername i love you father

↳ lewishamilton go tell fernando that, i'm not that old

↳ fernandoalo_oficial yourusername hi lando didn't tell you but i'm a big fan

↳ yourusername i love you father <33

carlossainz55 lando was bold. he took a string with beads and was determined. i'll give him creds for that

↳ yourusername right like i had no faith in the man

↳ landonorris i can read the comments, you know

landonorris still starstruck but i love you so much

↳ yourusername i love you 👩🏼‍❤️‍💋‍👨🏻

↳ landonorris i dont like that emoji

alex_albon lily when are u writing a song about me

↳ lilymhe are the playlists i make with half of them including all of y/n's discography not enough for me to show you my love?

↳ user25 you're so real for that lily

logansargeant now that we're basically related, can you add more shows so i can go to a concert

↳ logansargeant oscar stop hacking my account

↳ oscarpiastri i didnt do that!!!

↳ yourusername staring at you like a damn hawk when you were typing and i got the notification. just admit u like my music is it that hard?

↳ landonorris i will catch him singing one of your songs. one day.

↳ oscarpiastri good luck.

↳ logansargeant soo are you adding any more shows?

idk maybe thinking of doing a small drabble of how oscar and lando were at y/n's concert? i feel like i built up that suspense lmao but hope u enjoy 🫶

tags: @ultraviolencesam , @topguncultleader , @peachiicherries , @towkstiles

(strikethrough means i couldn't tag you, or your user couldn't be found)

add yourself to the taglist!

[willowsnook]

Can I get a Carlos one where they lowkey hate each other bc they constantly fight on track but there’s a bunch of tension between them. Maybe something happens on track and afterwards she goes to bitch him out and then he just kisses her or something ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

yesss just a little different

carlos sainz x williams driver reader

-----------------------------------------------------

You had been nervous when you joined the grid a year ago as the first female driver but everyone had been pretty welcoming and treated you the same as the rest of the competition. You honestly were glad to join Williams because it was a lot less pressure on you than it was for your friends Oscar and Kimi at McLaren and Mercedes. Last season you had finished 12th in the drivers standings which was pretty good in your opinion. This year had been a lot different thanks to the new arrival of Carlos Sainz.

He didn't want to be here, that was very clear. Honestly you didn't blame him, with his record he should have been in a top car but when the 8 time world champion comes knocking...what can ya do?

It seemed like he definitely expected to easily be driver #1 and to be treated as such. Most people probably shared that same opinion but you didn't. You weren't going to be a supporting actor in this kind of cut throat sport. Things had started cordial in the offseason with the two of you doing a lot of PR together but you just didn't really have that same bond that you did with your former teammate Alex. It only got worse from there.

First race of the 2025 season, you had out-qualified Carlos heading into race number one sitting P8 while he was behind at P12. He was not pleased. While everyone congratulated you after your run, he stood in the garage with his arms crossed, anger radiating off of him. This escalated the next day to him trying to overtake you resulting in both of you spinning out into the barriers. Instead of jumping out of the car and heading back to the paddock like a good girl, you stormed over to him as he was getting out of his car.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" You yelled, pulling off your helmet.

"What's wrong with me? What's wrong with you?" He yelled back glaring up at you. "You are supposed to let me pass?" You scoffed.

"Oh I'm sorry, I forgot who I was talking to," you retorted. "I'm so sorry Mr. Sainz I forgot that I have to let you win even though I'm faster and you're washed."

He stomped over from his car putting his finger in your face.

"Watch your fucking tone," he said angrily.

"Or what?" You spit back. The two of you spun around and barged back towards the garage.

As you headed into summer break, the two of you had crashed into each other three more times with probably equal blame in total. It was a disaster for team points and a PR nightmare. At this point they couldn't even get the two of you in the same room without it ending up in you trying to bite each others heads off. You had fun with it though, because by now you knew all the Spainard's tells. Like how he clenched his jaw when he was starting to get annoyed, or fisting his hands when you were close to pushing him over the edge. It's like the two of you were magnets, you'd always find each other no matter how hard the team tried to keep you separate.

---------- Last week of summer break------------

You were lounging by the pool with Oscar and his gf Lily at an airbnb in Australia trying to enjoy your last couple of days of freedom before having to be back.

"Have you talked to Carlos at all this break?" Oscar asked nonchalantly and you saw Lily shoot him a look.

"Why would I waste my precious breath?" You replied not even looking up from your book. Oscar sighed.

"Don't you think you guys should fix whatever this thing is that's going on?

"He's the one that fucking started it," you hissed shooting him a glare. He put his hands up in surrender.

"It's just like I've gotten to know him, and he's a great guy," he said. "I feel like you guys could be friends if you just sat and talked like normal people."

"I think that is literally impossible," you said. "We can't go longer than 2 minutes without him swiping at me."

"Hmm, and do you think he's unprovoked?" Oscar asked and Lily laughed. You flipped both of them off.

"Look, I tried to be nice at first but it's kind of hard when he came in and just expected me to roll over because he's been racing longer," you admitted. "It was offensive and things just went from there."

"I know how he came in was wrong," he said. "But I think you should give him some grace looking at it from his perspective. He should be in a faster car, we both know that. So it was insulting for him to have to come to Williams but that has nothing to do with you." You sighed, knowing he was half right.

"I don't know how to fix it Oscar, I really don't."

---------Dutch Grand Prix--------------

Things had been going well in Zandort so far, you and Carlos had been mostly avoiding each other and when you were together you kept it civil. You'd had good free practices and now were gearing up for qualifying.

You'd easily sped into Q2 and then jut inched by Fernando to make it into the top ten. The car felt good and you were feeling pretty confident you could get even faster in the last session. You were flying on your fast lap, on track to make it to P5 but heading into the corner you could see another car not getting out of the way. Of course it was none other than your teammate. He moved away but it was a little too late as you already had to slow down to swerve around him, losing time.

"What the fuck is he doing?" you screamed into the radio.

"Uhh he said he didn't see you coming, sorry y/n." Your engineer replied to you and you slammed your fist into the steering wheel. You managed to get one more lap in but the loss of focus put you in P9.

You didn't say a word to anyone getting out of the car and the garage was tense, a lot of engineers shooting you sympathetic looks. You stormed off towards your driver room and were a step away before you heard him call your name.

"Y/n," Carlos called out and you turned to see him walking towards yo you down the hallway. Instead of your rage boiling over you felt your eyes fill up with tears as you just felt defeated. You put your hand up to stop him from getting any closer.

"I just don't understand why you hate me so much," you yelled, your voice breaking. "Do you know how hard it was for me to get here? How hard it is to listen to the media constantly tell me I'm here because having a female driver is good PR? I have worked so hard for everything just for you to try time and time again to take it all away."

Tears were starting to leak from your eyes as you shouted and Carlos's eyes were wide with panic. He tried to take another step towards you but you moved back.

"No, I don't want to see you and I don't want to talk to you," you got out before turning and slamming your driver's door in his face. You sunk down to the floor crying and heard a loud bang, as if someone had punched a wall.

You laid in your driver's room for what felt like forever just staring at your ceiling before changing into a pair of sweats and a tank top. As you were collecting your stuff you heard someone knock on your door and open it. You looked over to see Kimi's sympathetic face which caused your eyes to water again. He opened his arms and you walked into them burying your head in his shoulder.

"Come on, let's go get dinner," he said leading you out of the garage.

You spent the rest of the night hanging out with him and his friends before heading back to the hotel to get a good night rest. You stepped out of the elevator onto your floor and saw someone standing by your hotel room. As you got closer you could see it was Carlos. He had changed too into a pair of Williams sweats and a tight fitted tshirt. His right hand was wrapped up with gauze, explaining the noise you heard earlier.

"Here to rub more salt in the wound?" You joked weakly as you came closer to him. His head snapped up and his raked over you getting sadder.

"No, I came to apologize," he said and you rolled your eyes motioning for him to move so you could unlock your door.

"What did PR promise you in order to get you here?" You bit back as you stepped inside, him following close behind.

"Nothing y/n, we need to talk," he said his tone more firm.

"Well I don't really feel like talking," you said turning to him, throwing your hands up. "Now why don't you go back to James and figure out how to get me off the team, I'm sure whatever plan you have will work."

His jaw clenched and you knew that one landed. You should have stopped there but something about him brought out the fight in you.

"I'm sorry that you're washed and the only way for you to beat me is by taking me out," you started, not even believing what you were saying, just wanting to hurt him like he did you. "That's the only apology I want to hear from you." Carlos took a deep breath, running his hand through his hair.

"Or maybe you should go back begging to Mercedes to get a seat to get away from me."

"Do you ever shut the fuck up?" He asked glaring at me and I crossed my arms.

"Make me," you replied daring him.

Within two seconds your back was against the wall and his lips were on yours. When your brain turned back on you found yourself wrapping a hand around his neck pulling you closer. Your lips fought for dominance but you both were clinging together like you could never let go. Your other hand was tangled in his hair as you slightly pulled causing him to groan into you. He pulled away, resting his forehead on yours and you brought your fingers up to touch your swollen lips.

"If I knew that was how I could get you to stop talking I would have done that a long time ago," he said smirking and you shoved him off.

"You caught me in a moment of weakness," you grumbled before flopping onto the bed. He came over to where you were and pulled you up so that you were facing him as he towered over you. His eyes softened as he looked down at you.

"You are a good driver, one of the best I've ever raced again," he started and you stayed quiet. "I should have came in as a leader to make the both of us better and this a competitive team. Instead I was too wrapped up in how I got burned and acted like an ass. It should have never gotten this far and I'm sorry."

You didn't know what to say as you'd never really seen this side of him. He pushed a piece of your hair behind your ear as he met your eyes again, waiting for a response.

"Was that a real answer or a PR one?" You joked with a small smile causing him to relax.

"A PR one cariño, the real answer is that you're too hot when you're mad at me so I couldn't stop," he said and you laughed. He pulled you off the bed and you wrapped your arms around him.

"This is so weird," you said. "I'm so used to hating you."

"I know, but we got to go be seen in public as friends," he said. "That's an actual request from the PR team."

"Yeah yeah, you can buy me ice cream and I'll forgive you for today," you said heading to the door.

"And then we can start over?" He said hopefully.

"If you let me pass tomorrow too," you said smirking at him. He kissed your forehead as he passed you holding his hand out.

"Not a chance."

[n-agiz]

HIDDEN IN PLAIN SIGHTㅤ boyfriend! fushiguro toji x fem! reader — smut [ 0.7k+ wc ] cws public sex + risky sex + exhibitionism + creampies + lots of bickering, pls don't take this too seriously bc i didn't either lmao ! MDNI

ㅤtoji's ideas were more often than not odd, but you had to admit that even through his craziness, the man knew how to give you a great time.

you avoided going out with toji as much as you could — not because you were ashamed of your boyfriend in any way, but because he had a chronic lack of common sense.

“toji stop for the love of god! there’s people around” you half whispered half screamed, pushing his built body as far away from you as the cramped cubicle allowed you to. they were designed for one person to stand inside them while trying on clothes, not for two people to be inside, and this was the first time where that fact became painfully obvious in your eyes.

“i don’t believe in god sweetheart, you know that” toji said through a grin, putting way less effort into trying to conceal his voice to a lower tone, especially when compared to you.

“that’s not the point”

“then what is the point?”

“that we can’t fuck with this many people around!”

toji laughed at your attempts to hide your hysteria, watching as you resigned to half shouting instead of letting your voice rise to the volume you would usually allow it to while reprimanding him, all while also having to focus on getting dressed and pushing your boyfriend away any time he tried to touch you.

“it’s more fun that way though, you know i’ve always wanted to fuck with an audience”

“today is not the day we’re gonna do that, i’m sorry to break it to you”

“you sure about that?”

and exactly because your boyfriend was most definitely the incarnation of some demon to at least some degree, not more than a few minutes were necessary before he proved you to be completely wrong.

“look at me and tell me this doesn’t feel good, angel. just try to do that”

your arms burned from holding yourself up with your palms pressed against the wide mirror in front of you, legs shaking and knees buckling all while your eyes grew glossy, their corners burning as you bit harshly into your lower lip, keeping in any moan that attempted to escape.

how toji managed to stay so put together all while making a complete mess out of you was absolutely beyond you — but one thing you were sure of, he was driving you insane all while so effortlessly making you feel as if you had finally found heaven on earth.

“not gonna bicker with me anymore? weird, you’re usually more feisty than this”

“shut the fuck up toji before i slap you and your naked ass out of this dressing room”

“really? i wanna see you try to do that” he replied, fingers digging deeper into where they held at your hips while delivering a particularly hard thrust, grunting lowly against your ear, eyes staying glued to yours through the reflection on the mirror facing you both.

“fuck you”

“you already are!”

toji’s enthusiasm and smirk annoyed you, but at the same time, you couldn’t bring yourself to fully care, the snap of his hips into yours and the pleasure it gave you entirely too entrancing. the drag of his cock in and out of you was heavenly, and the constant reminder that you needed to stay quiet so you wouldn’t get caught was surprisingly arousing, more of your slick gushing out any time you reminded yourself that the only thing separating you two from complete strangers was a thin curtain.

how you managed to stay up long enough to not only reach an orgasm but also be able to feel toji filling you up was something you weren’t sure off — you just knew that by the end of it you were not satisfied like supposed, instead feeling greedier than you were at the beginning.

“aren’t you such a naughty girl” he grinned, one hand on your waist while the other found it’s place between your thighs, stuffing two fingers inside you to stop his cum from spilling out, humming as he felt you kiss down the side of his neck, pressing your chest into his.

“this is all your fault”

“it better be, wouldn’t want my girlfriend all horny in a dressing room over some random guy”

“just shut up toji, you talk too much”

“but also fuck you better than anyone ever could, so are you really gonna complain?”

N-AGIZ '23ㅤ REBLOGS ARE GREATLY APPRECIATED !

[sillyhahasilly]

caldre nsfw headcanons under cut.

(plz don't heavily interact if ur like under 16, ik I can't control it but yk.)

their first was initiated by cal and reciprocated by andre.

it happened well after they started planning zd, well after they realized how alike they are. by then they had already bared their truest self out to eachother. all their violent and fucked up desires, so why not keep going?

they were having one of those conversations, talking about their mental health and desires to die and cause harm and getting very emotionally intimate. I think andre said some shit like, I've never been this real with someone before. you're are the only person who knows me. really knows me. so, cal js fucking kisses him. a deep and incredibly desperate kiss, like he was starving. andre backs out and he js stares, wide eyed, at cal. and cal is so scared. that is the first time andre saw cal look scared.

andre kisses him back and they don't stop. cal climbs on top of andre, swinging his leg over him in an attempt to get closer. he's sitting on andres lap and both of their hands are all over eachother. both of them get hard embrassingly fast, and one of them accidently grinds on the other. they both stopped when that happened, shocked. andre would start to say how this isn't right or he isn't gay, so cal would reply, do you want to stop? obv, andre says no. so then cal would be like, great, fuck it. and then they'd be back all over eachother, grinding and making out. bc of how worked up cal was he'd come first, but not by much. afterwards, they were both surprisingly giddy. but they did need to awkwardly wash some jeans.

tdlr: their first time they both grinding on eachother and came in their own pants. js two desperate, hormonal, teen boys.

☆

they have a fucking codename for having sex. smth stupid, but sweet. I got this from a fic, and in it they called it "syncing". I feel like andre def started calling it that, cuz he's the one into military shit. they use it so they don't need to say it, and they can kinda distance themselves from what they are doing bc of how shamed gay sex was. internalized homophobia and all that. I feel like they would also be so afraid of zd being blamed on their sexuality so so much, so this small thing would add js another layer of protection.

this ain't nsfw really, but it's like they live a secret life with eachother. they act differently together around others then they do in private, like a code switch. they are always hiding in daylight out of shame.

☆

cals sex drive is either 1 or a 100. when he wants it, he wants it. he can get so desperate. once he greeted andre in the school hallway by whispering, "youre going to fuck me tonight." and then js acted like he didn't say anything bad.

when andres the one who wants it bad, he gets whiny. he will literally beg cal to let him be inside him, he'll say shit like "I'll be quick, I'll make you feel so good." after, he'll lowkey pretend that he didn't js beg like a dog. cal teases him for it. sometimes he'll purposefully work him up to that point.

(also if it ain't obv, andre tops and cal bottoms. BUT I can see them switching like once, but I feel like andre wouldn't like how gay it would make him feel.)

☆

they take anger and frustration from everything out on eachother during sex. andre got thrown into a locker and called a fag?? he will fuck cal hard and ruthless into the mattress to be in primal control of smth. cal is mad at humanity cause he spent another function quiet and resevred in the corner? he pushes andre around and leaves bruises everywhere.

they will talk abt violent fantasies of things they want to do to enemies and humanity during sex. yeah.

they have def talked abt how great zd is gonna feel and how they will be like gods while fucking.

☆

cal likes to be hurt during sex. bruises, bites, he loves getting bitten. he enjoys purposefully not doing enough prep so it hurts for a little bit.

andre likes to bite and bruise. match made in heaven. he does also enjoy pain, but not as much as cal.

tw sh!!! there has been times when andre will purposefully irritate cals healing scars. it's up to u to decide if they got freaky enough to cut eachother during sex.

☆

right after, andre gets really affectionate compared to how he normally is. he cuddles and hugs cal close to his body and does shit that he'll call gross and cringe normally like kiss him on the check.

sometimes tho, cal will get weirdly sad and quiet after sex. andre will try his best to talk to him abt it, (which isn't vv good) but they never really do. it's his depression and the drastic fall from pleasure to normal, kinda like the freaky version of feeling sad after hanging out w a friend for a long time.

☆

and ermmm. that's it. I did not mean for this to be this long but I guess reading gay porn fics way to young payed off <3

[ghostiiess]

[NSB HEADCANONS] - regie's reactions when he saw you crying in the bathroom

pov: the title say everything (other title: hate comments from the stars directed to you)

warnings: feelind sad, mention of hateful comments, headcanon about online hate, mention of swears here and there, mention of crying and hating ourselves, mention of gaining weight or losing weight (regie is saying he would still love y/n whatever the weight they have. BTW, YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. Do not change for others people.)

type: comfort

member: regie macalino

reblogs and likes are very appreciated!

please, if you know someone, or live this situation, please do not keep it to yourself. you do not deserve this. if you don't feel to talk or don't know what to say / who to tell, my dms are always open and i put some websites at the end of the post :)

So regie just finished his job with the boys

And like he usually do when he have time (and when he’s available), he visit you at your apartment

Today, without really knowing why, he missed you more than the usual

He always miss you when he’s at work

(More under the cut!)

But today?

Damn.

He was like “damn i hope she’s okay” and “i hope she’s smiling right now”

like he was just having gut feelings that you weren't 100% okay? if i can say it like that?

So when his work got done, he quickly went to your apartment

and saw your car was there, which made him happy bc he really wanted to see you! and your car were there, so it probably meant that you were here

He rang on your appartment’s number door ring and got no response

He trust you with all his heart, but tonight, he felt like something wasn’t good

Like if it was his guts saying something to him

Obviously, regie had the key to enter, but he didn’t want to enter just like that

He wanted you to know he was going to come in to see you

He quickly got a text from you, saying you weren’t feeling great, which made regie’s worrying even worse

“What’s up bby? Do u need smth?” Regie quickly texted back

When he didn’t got no response, regie quickly took his key and texted he was going to see u

When he stepped into your apartment, and closed the main door, regie’s voice went all around the house

“Hey baby, it’s me! are you there?”

Ofc, you were there.

He knew it. But he wanted to hear your voice.

But, he didn’t.

Now, he was starting to feel a bit nervous.

You didn’t want to see him, didn’t want to talk or text… it wasn’t really you to do that kind of thing

For sure, when you had bad days, you were feeling not very.. social, but never you were acting like this

And regie knew it.

Regie quietly walking in your appartment and knocked on your bedroom door before open it

“Baby?”

"Ayo? Are you dead or what?" he jokingly said (not funny)

When he saw you, in your bed, the phone’s in your hand and your cheeks all wet, his heart started beating so fast

He thought his heart was going to get out of his chest

"fuck..."

“Baby? Are you good? What happened?”

You didn’t reply

“Baby… i hate seeing you like this, you know that.. what’s up? Did someone said something? Istg if someone did, imma beat their ass so hard bruh. No ones disrespect my baby.”

You shook you head

“Do you want to talk about it? Do you want me to leave you alone?”

You nodded

“You said yes bc you want to talk about it, or because you want me to leave you alone?”

When you said “first option” with your tired, and sad voice, his heart broke

“Omg, baby… shhh it’s okay, i am here. Im not going anywhere”

He layed on the bed, next to you and quietly stroke your hair

“Talk when you’re ready, my love. I’m here. And if you do not want to talk about it, then that’s fine too. I can just stroke your hair and tells you about my day if thats what you want”

He kissed your cheeks and your nose “you do what you want, okay? im here for you”

When you started talking, and couldn’t talk without letting some tears rolling down your face, his heart broke even more

“Shhh… it’s okay, try to breathe in and out, okay? You can do it, take your time”

When you finally explained the whole situation, he thought his heart was going to die

yes his heart did live a lot of thing-BUT YKWIM

His fans (the stars) were making fun of you on your social medias

"they did WHAT"

"WDYM IT'S OKAY??? its not!! omg, why didnt you tell me?"

"baby, omg... im so so sorry"

“Please, do not hate yourself. You are so amazing and so hardworking. You're so beautiful and so talented, i have no words to say how perfect you are to me”

“You’re always thinking of others before yourself, you always make sure that everyone’s okay, and you always find compassion and respect in people who clearly don’t deserve you”

he started having tears in his eyes

“ you are perfect, just the way you are.”

But you just couldn’t keep it in yourself anymore, it was too hard :((

“Baby, show me your phone, please. I need to see these”

“I am so sorry, my love. I am so so so sorry you had to live this and hide it from me…”

He stroke your cheek

“Why did you hide it from me…? I feel so bad, baby.”

“Baby, i would have care! I'm your boyfriend, you're my girlfriend! I do have a busy schedule, but I’ll always make time for you. Always.”

He sighed

“I always try to make time for you as much as i can, please do not think that your problems are bothering me. We are dating. Your problems are my problems too. You can’t hold everything on your shoulder and expect you to not fall. You need another person to help you holding all the problems off your shoulders and that person is me, okay, baby?”

When he went on his social medias, he blocked *each* star on the platforms

literally.

he also wrote on his social medias’ stories:

“Jsyk, if you can’t love my partner or at least respecting them by not writing hateful comments about them, please, stop following me. I would not accept any form of irrespect about me and the people im close to, even more if its about my wonderful partner. Do not write any hateful comments about my partner saying how’s they’re ugly or how they don’t deserve me (which is isnt true btw). If i ever see others comments like this ever again, you will be blocked. Me n the guys respect you, so we expect the same things coming towards you stars. I hope i won’t have to say it again, thank you.”

Let’s say that most of the comments about regie’s stories were like “omg, how dare some stars say hateful comments to y/n??” Or “istg, some stars really do not deserve the guys and y/n.”

“If it ever start again baby, please let me know. I won’t let my own fans treat you this way, okay?” Regie said while kissing your cheek

“I love you so much and nothing will change that. You are perfect the way you are, and even if you gained weight, or lost weight, or were looking like another person, or things like that, you’d still have my heart. you're so beautiful and no ones should decide how you dress and how you eat.”

Please, trust regie when he say things like that, you are so precious and so beautiful, like just look at you now, you are so cute and so pretty and beautiful and so cool

You are so stunning, like whoever write comments about you are so dumb, like idk what they are doing, but they are dumb, you look like a supermodel babe

Who’s Bella hadid? Idk, i only know you

PLEASE READ THIS:

Please, if you are in a situation like this or know someone in this situation, please talk about it to someone. A lot of ressources (such as 7cup who’s a website that can help you telling your problems or situations to random people. its totally free!) are there to help you. I am here too if you guys need something. Although, i am not a specialist and a therapist, i am always willing to listen and help you guys!

Please, do not keep this for you, this is not okay. If you can’t find someone to talk to, or feel too shy to talk about it, or can't find / afford a therapist, go on character.ai (or any other app, idk the names) and search for therapist ai in the search bar. It might sound weird, but it could (maybe) help you, since you are not talking to an irl person and it allow you to vent and be listened without having to feel ashamed if the person behind the screen judge you or not. (AI are not real therapist. do not consider every things the AI says. It's only a solution and can't be remplaced with real professionnals.)

Taglist! (Open! Send an ask if you’d like to be in it!) : @nsb-rkive @kentisbaby @firebenderwolf @hyuneee0 @yawnzzznnn @ghostyycat7

Bold can’t be tagged.

[tentenpropaganda]

the main problem with naruto fandom is just that like 98% of characters have done something very objectionable at some point, and people (myself included tbh) just tend to have a bias against whichever character just... caught them at the wrong moment, or did something that they find particularly objectionable. but, in the name of "critical analysis", people in fandom tend to really focus on, like, grading the morality of every character and action in the story (which is not really what critical analysis means imo. that can be a PART of critical analysis but it's not the end-all-be-all; there's a time and a place, yknow?).

so it just causes a lot of unnecessary vitriol because people feel entitled to be like "how could you like [x character] from this nationalistic manga about morally fucked up ninjas who murder people bc they're indoctrinated by a morally fucked up system??? don't you know [x character] is morally fucked up and has literally murdered people????" and often this is closely followed by "you should instead appreciate MY favorite character, [character who has ALSO done some seriously fucked up shit which went unquestioned by the narrative]"

and like, it should be obvious from glancing at my blog that i can be a bit of a hater towards characters i don't like. i have my own biases! but just bc i dont like j*raiya, for instance, doesn't mean i'm gonna make a post implying that liking him means you, yourself, are sexist, or don't care about the real-life misogyny and SA.

idk. this is a really common problem in fandom in general, but it feels particularly bad in naruto sometimes, and i think that's probably partially because it's such a huge series with so many fucked up things about its writing (see: treating genuine SA from j*raiya as a hilarious joke, or treating hyuga clan slavery as something that can just be papered over by ~treating the branch family nicer~, or going to Great Lengths to establish that the shinobi system is deeply fucked up and immoral and needs to be changed only for naruto to become hokage and change Literally Nothing). so like, you're hard pressed to find characters who haven't done something fucked up which the narrative condones. which can feel very frustrating!!!

that frustration is valid!!! and ranting about specific moments or characters that bug you most of all is very valid!!!! but please don't feel the need to take that out directly on other fans. whether that be by, again, implying that ppl who like the characters are stupid or immoral, or by getting personally offended when you see other ppl who like characters you hate/dislike characters you love

(be like me instead and make your own rant post complaining about this phenomenon rather than replying to annoying rant posts in your fav's tags lmao)

[golbrocklovely]

I miss when SNC would interact with us :(

i feel you, anon.

but i kinda understand why they don't, in some regard.

first and foremost, them interacting with us was a "luxury" so to speak. basically, we aren't owed interactions just bc we buy merch or watch their content. i think social media and being an influencer has really warped ppl's minds into thinking they are owed 24 hour access to someone at all times about everything they are doing. it is not part of their job description to reply back to a tweet or like an edit about them on insta or TikTok. those are added bonuses that we used to get (and only somewhat get now). obviously, interacting with fans is a great way to keep them engaged in your content, but it's also a lot of time spent to do. especially when you have a fandom like this that loves to say certain fans don't deserve notices or certain ppl get more than others. in the end, snc look like assholes to those that want to hate on them.

but mostly, i think the reason snc don't interact with us anymore is bc the hate has gotten to them. it's hard to want to interact with a fandom that does constantly judge every move you make, or comment on everything you do. and then to add to the list, make fun of someone you love and are currently in a relationship with. snc, as so many hater have pointed out, are almost 30 years old. who the fuck at that big of an age wants to be yelled at by sometimes minors/mostly adults that their gf, the one those fans know nothing about, is a hoebag and unworthy of dating them and instead you should be dating someone else that we've all shipped you with for years even tho you said countless times you weren't dating them??? who wants to also be told that "hey don't grow your facial hair, change your hair to this, you should get back into shape again like before, joke about your missing testicle here" but then be yelled at for not interacting with the same ppl that are saying all of that???

yeah i wouldn't give those fuckers the time of day either. i'd have your asses blocked so fast lol

and while yes, a good majority of the fandom isn't like that, it's good to remember that maybe when one person is saying something mean, it's just an offhanded comment that you can maybe ignore. but when you have 100s of ppl saying the same thing, liking comments like those, it's not gonna feel like a singular comment. it's gonna feel like harassment. not only that, snc have been doing this for 10ish years. they started in late 2014/early 2015 and for years were in direct contact with fans all that time. the amount of shit they have been told over the years…. and they're still standing?? i'm surprised.

while i would love for them to come back and interact with us like the old times, it's not gonna happen. not with the atmosphere this fandom has currently. maybe if things really do quiet down, i can see them coming back somewhat. but i don't expect it.

[belit0]

Madara and Indra tag-teaming the reader? Indra gets called back from the afterlife and takes offense that Madara is almost as good as he is. I love your writing! I binge read it all this afternoon! I'm so happy you write Indra, he's perfect!

Thank you very much for your words! Indra is absolutely my favorite, there is no one who can get to me like him!

I love that you like my work, and feel free to send as many requests as you want! Welcome to this beautiful corner of Uchiha perdition!

This was actually hard to picture, but bc I can't imagine both of them together lol.

I don't think both their egos would fit in the same room🤣.

Anyhow, sorry for taking so long to reply, but here we go!

Why would anyone call him from death, from eternal rest, to bring him to a present where his name is only a legend? Indra does not know, but such is the scene he encounters when opening his eyes for the first time in millions of years.

In his original body, but in his 24-year-old guise, the Otsutsuki awakens in the midst of a ritual. There is blood on his feet, a strange pattern drawn in peculiar intersections that don't seem to make sense, and four men he doesn't recognize looking at him expectantly.

His world spins as he tries to acknowledge the space, and understand he has been summoned to the world of the living again. "Very good... you did it, Tobirama. Now put him back where he came from." A man with long, black, prominent hair speaks with his arms crossed, looking at him with eyes he identifies as his own.

"Of course not. I just brought the most important piece of history we could get, adding I don't know how to release him either." Another jabbers angrily, with strange white hair and red marks on his skin.

"You brought my fucking grandfather and you have no fucking idea how to let him die again?!" A third man shouts in despair, very similar to the first guy, but smaller.

"He's not our grandfather, Izuna. He's our ancestor."

"We should bring our grandfather too, Tobi! It can be a great family reunion and-"

"Why would anyone rouse me from everlasting slumber without apparent reason... I'll get an immediate explanation right away, or else things will get bad." The Otsutsuki decides to interrupt the interaction impatiently, holding his head between both hands and trying to focus his gaze without his eyes hurting. He has no balance to get up from the ground, sitting up and trying to regain control of his body.

...

4 months have passed since Indra was forcibly brought back to life, and all he wants is to die again. People became progressively more stupid, having as idyllic proof this supposed descendant of his who goes by the name of Izuna. The young man keeps pestering him with uncomfortable questions about a life that no longer is, and the Otsutsuki does not know how to get rid of him.

The man who dared to bring him back, Tobirama, still can't find a way to reverse his jutsu, and works tirelessly every day to give him eternal rest again. Meanwhile, Indra decided to confine himself inside the current leader's house, and learn a bit of the current world through him.

Madara Uchiha, his supposed reincarnation, recounts an era of peace where his clan and his brother's became friends. The sole purpose of creating the Uchiha was an endless war against Ashura's family, and apparently, they had figured it out.

Outraged and dismayed, Indra constantly compares his power to that of the current leader and understands they opted for peace because power levels decreased over time. The only thing he and Madara have in common is the darkness of their thoughts, the shape of their hair, and their taste in women.

The Uchiha has a wife alarmingly similar to his own, both in attitude and appearance, and he ponders whether reincarnations are possible. (Y/N), he learns her name is, is both charming and submissive, perfect to his preference.

When the leader disappears for the day to attend to his work, Indra has convenient access to the woman and enjoys her quiet company. There is nothing like an obedient, non-fighting wife, and after seeing today's world, the Otsutsuki understands there isn't much of that anymore.

(Y/N) treats him like a king, attends to his every need, and genuinely respects him. Nothing gets his dick harder than a woman who knows her place.

Madara seems to notice his attraction to her, and after consulting with his wife, they decide to give him a gift of satisfaction before dying again. A night of passion, discreetly catalyzed and planned to perfection.

...

Indra walks through the corridors of the Uchiha house, trying to find a quiet place to meditate. His mind is a mess, he is tired, and all he wants is perpetual repose again. Overwhelmed by his situation, he wanders aimlessly, seeking release somehow.

He decides to try the first room he finds, and as he slides open the door, he comes across an image both provocative and scandalous. (Y/N) shamelessly touching herself while sucking Madara's cock. The Uchiha smirks, grabbing her roughly by the hair and pressing her against his pelvis, forcing her to swallow him completely as she masturbates.

Kneeling with her ass in the air, he has a perfect view of her wet pussy, and how her fingers slide in and out with need. "She looks like she needs help, doesn't she, Indra-Sama?" Madara asks sardonically, leading her to follow an overwhelming pace with her mouth.

"What is this... what are you implying-"

"A little parting gift. Tobirama figured out the formula, and you'll be going home tonight. One last indulgence is impossible to deny, isn't it?"

The Otsutsuki genuinely considers it, relieved for the torture to end and feeling a bulge growing between his pants. There's no denying the sight is beautiful, and that (Y/N) looks both inviting and predisposed to be fucked by whomever she's commanded.

He's never had a threesome, but as long as the Uchiha leader won't touch him, he'll have no problem abusing that beautiful cunt and claiming it as his own.

In a burst of arousal, he walks over to the bed, and with no words to say, makes quick work of his clothes. If the woman is anything like his wife used to be, she will accept being violently and angrily fucked, used as Indra sees fit and without complaining about it.

Positioning himself behind her, he penetrates her with a dry thrust, burying himself deep inside her and listening to her moan being muffled by the other man's cock. "Shit, (Y/N), no teeth, or there will be consequences."

A dark satisfaction runs through his mind at the thought of getting to punish her, to destroy her as he wishes, and his thrusts become brutal to the point of trying to make her lose control of her mouth. The woman cannot continue to move her head, and Madara grabs her by the hair to direct her to the pace he thinks necessary.

Both of them use her holes as they wish, taking her with abandon and making her scream all the way through. Indra will soon return home, and plans to take a good fucking before then.

[fraternum-momentum]

killing stalking ramble belowww

!! tws for mentions of sa/rape, murder, abuse, etc. !!

(REALLY REALLY long, around 2k~ words. just be warned. also tmi in some parts.)

THIS IS NOT AN ANALYSIS !!!!! it def gets analytical in some parts, but i feel like i would need to reread ks a couple of times for me to feel confident enough to do a full blown analysis for it. these are just my thoughts that i want to get out of my head. really rambly for the most part, and separated into sections mostly for my convenience buy also to get my thoughts a little more organized.

what do i think about it?

it's great ! i really love the more thriller-ey aspects of it, esp when seungbae was investigating the whole thing. how he's trying to piece together everything and switching in between pov's was so so cool. love love love how extremely tense everything is, like ooo is he gonna get caught? is he gonna get killed?

ACAB but seungbae is the only police officer i'll salute to 🫡 (bc he's not real LMFAO)(and also he hates the police despite being one so)

season 1 is a great intro and it rlly gets u hooked, rlly went in super hard with the whole torture stuff. came in guns blazing n stuff. rlly rlly intense. the whole thing with jieun is just so sad man,,,,,,, like she was rude and all and she was an kind of an asshole to bum but i don't think she deserves to die over that 😭,,,,

there's also already a lot of foreshadowing and future callbacks planted into it. it makes me wonder how much planning went into the story :0 !! even early on it's pretty clear that sangwoo sees his mum in yoonbum, that's why he kept taking care of him after abusing him. he said ‘i love you’ out of the blue and bum thought he was talking to him and sangwoo replied ‘i was talking to my mom’. i mean, it's literally spelled out by the author in one of the qna's. i will be amazed if u didn't catch that somehow.

anyw season 2 is my fav because of reasons stated above. the tension is rlly great. when seungbae finally trespassed which led to the confrontation at the basement scene to when they were doing the interrogation was rlly rlly good. it shows how competent of a manipulator and a quick thinker sangwoo is. throughout it my heart was beating so fast i was so nervous JQHSHQ

seungbae rlly tried to pull through but unfortunately the people didn't believe him so woo and bum got away SCOT FREE,,,,,,, which caused seungbae to lash out on woo, then got laid off. DUDEEE i was so saddddddd, i mean i saw there were like 40 eps left so i knew he wasnt going to succeed but STILLLL i was cheering for him ykkk?

ep 34.

kinda tmi and i hope to fucking god it's not weird or anything but i can see myself in yoonbum.

LISTEN ok. not like the perverted stalker aspects. more of the whole jwhhr fuckk idk how to describe it without sounding pathetic or whatever but a while ago my brother and i had a talk about being careful with people bc of how bad my whole self esteem is and how easily i would be to manipulate and just how depressing my whole demeanor was or whatever and this scene in ep 34 where yoonbum was being interrogated by seungbae kind of left me a deep impression on me

i've def have asked myself something similar to this, idk maybe had talked to someone abt it when i was drunk as shit. but it i kind of started wondering if i would do that in his position. if i don't get any better, could i end up like him? eeeeeqjdb idkk its something i don't want to dwell on much but it's been at the back of my head ever since. i don't know. it's scary.

season 3 is more focused on characterization and developing the "relationship" between bum and woo. vv sangwoo centric. it deals with his past trauma and how it affected him. seeing how his childhood was initially and then the eventual reveal as to what really was happening in those scenes was so good. kind of shows how you never truly know what's happening behind closed doors. and it shows the extent of the abuse, how unstable his mother was, and how emotionally manipulative she was to sangwoo when he was a kid. then her eventual death in which she managed to gaslight him into thinking he killed her. at least, i think its implied that she drove the knife into her neck. and now, even when she's gone, her presence lingers and haunts him. quite literally too because its eventually revealed that her corpse was INSIDE THE FUCKING HOUSE.

i love how the dynamic turned from a dependency to a codependency. it's like watching a fire slowly spiral out and it becoming an huge shitstorm. it's interesting seeing that sangwoo needs bum too. right after he accidentally called bum 'mom' while they were having sex, that's probably the lowest he's been in, even begging yoonbum to not go and stay with him at home bc he's been so paranoid lately. even now i'm still not sure if bum was actually fucking the girl or if it was all a figment of woo's hallucinations.

there's a lot of particular scenes that i want to dedicate a small paragraph to but i don't want to make this longer that it alr is qkdh they're not anything life changing plus the implications are p clear anyway so,,

ending is insane. at first, i was kind of glad that bum seemed to be healing. like he was getting therapy, there was a person who was taking care of him, seungbae seems to be monitoring him regularly. i mean, he was still paranoid and stuff about being caught as an acomplice but he was fine for the most part. well, at least that was i thought until he started asking where sangwoo was and i kinda went oh no,,,

idkkkkk is it bad that i kind of felt bad for bum when he didn't get to see sangwoo for the last time? i mean, i want him to just move on with everything and heal but it was pretty clear he was still vv attached to woo so idkkkkk?? maybe its just me needing to have some closure or something? i was so sad that yoonbum didn't even get the chance to be truly happy in his life. even in his happiest moments with sangwoo, it was all just a skewed perception of love.

yk even if seungbae didn't go to woo's house one last time for that final confrontation, i feel like their codependent relationship would go to shit either way. but ahh,,,,,, bum deserved so much better,,,

seungbae my goat 🫡

small part abt him bc he's my fav

seungbae is interesting,,,, bc he def has violent tendencies much like sangwoo. i.e. lashing out at woo, wacking a guy out with a scanner (who, luckily, turned out to be a wanted criminal), hitting the guy who killed his father with a the golf club, dreaming and fantasizing about violently killing that said murderer multiple times, and probably more that i can't remember.. maybe a ‘two sides of the same coin’ kind of situation??? idkk

there's literally a part where seungbae said so himself that he and sangwoo were similar, immediately following it by saying that it was a dangerous thought. i think having a stable figure in his life (chief officer) helped him a lot. if he didn't have him, i feel like he could've easily ended up like sangwoo. all around green flag tho :3

my complicated feelings abt it:

idkkkkkkkkkkkkk like this is a thriller and it depicts a clearly abusive relationship but the fact that it feels so fanservicey to me feels so wrong to me ???????? like shit. i only started reading it bc i thought 'oh wasn't this bl or something? i don't remember lol. but sangwoo was hot, i should go read it' and proceeded to get my ass blasted with this is absolutely insane.

ok i'm gonna be completely honest i've always hated fanservice, so it's a completely biased take from me. like idkk it ruins the vibe of a scene. can't a good show just be a good show without all the panty shots and the weird ass angles?????? like okay, yeah, i literally draw porn but that doesnt mean i want porn/sexual in everything all the time.

like i get it. the sexual aspect of this is a necessary and integral thing. it's clearly there to depict that there's an imbalance of power. how sangwoo being on top feels more in control whereas when he's in a position of submission he gets angry or scared (a trauma response) and it's another aspect of abuse that a lot of characters experienced and it's all shown. but i think my issue is, when its with woo and bum there's like certain part to it where i'm just kinda like,,,,, you know that feeling when you feel like a sex scene in a movie is kind of going on for way too long? and ur just sitting there mildly uncomfortable by it and aughggyvh idkkk its weird,,,,,,, like should i keep watching or is this integral to the story???? am i going to miss any details or something anyone would say ?? and idk???????? like when bum or woo was sa'ed by adults they didn't depict it in such a,,,,,,, romantic?? light???? i'm not sure what to say but i feel like there's a difference in ambience and pacing and shit in a bunch of the scenes esp in season 3 but i guess it's bc they're in a 'relationship' ?????? idkk

in a way i can understand why they would present it like that ??? i'm probably reaching, but maybe it's to directly put the viewer in yoonbum's shoes and kind of see how sangwoo manipulates bum? like we as the viewer become victims ourselves of sangwoo's charms ????? maybe that's why it was psrticularly uncomfortable for me ??????????? dude idk,,,,

but like,, i've played btd/tpof before but i don't seem to have any problems with it, and that's literally torture porn or whatever but for some reason i draw the line at this apparently ????????

and i’ve thought about this really hard bc it was driving me nuts as to what the difference was. but maybe its bc it's kind of romanticizing it ??????????????? tbh i'm still not entirely sure. eh whatever i don't want to make it a big problem.

oh but fray, you draw noncon, dubcon, and gore ! arent you fetishizing it as well ? how is that any different ?

(this part is kind of tmi too) i think there's a fundamental difference between what i'm doing and having a cnc kink and depicting actual sa in a story.

no one is saying sa is not bad. for some people it's how they deal with the trauma they endured and for others its simply just a fantasy. cnc, in a real life setting, both parties are consenting and recognize that it's all just roleplay, if anything is out of the line you can opt out of it with a safeword and it's CRUCIAL that this safe word is respected. in a game like for example, dol, you can manipulate it into however you like. there's also cheats where you can just remove encounters altogether irrc. you're the one in control of the narrative.

i've had rape fantasies before (i play dol, don't be so surprised) but that doesn't mean i want to be fucking assaulted when i go out at night. and idk maybe like in ks it depicts all the gruesome and tragic parts of being abused, whether it be emotionally, sexually, physically, etc. and that's why it feels wrong framing it in that manner ????

idk my views about it aren't completely black and white. dude idfk i'm not an expert in anything. at the end of the day i'm just some random person who read killing stalking and just has some thoughts about it. anyw that's all 👍

[tryhardgwen]

hi gwen!

tysm for writing and posting, I really love all of your work!

quick question just for fun: if someone could only read five of your fics and no more, and you got to pick which ones, which five would you want them to read? you can include wips if you want

happy writing and i can’t wait for your next update!

anon i am so sorry for the late reply, i just. had to think about this a LOT. then i may or may not have forgot about it. oops. but thank you so much for the submission and for enjoying my fics!!

ok we are NOT including wips because that would make this answer infinitely harder. also because i can’t really judge them because… they’re not… done. im also not counting i want your violence, since it's not finished. i AM including kim suhwan vs. the world, however, because it's essentially finished. so i'm picking out of my 25 fics. that being said, here is my list of my 5 fics i would want people to read:

kim suhwan vs. the world

all my love

the mouth of the wolf, the eyes of the lamb

and all of my dreams, they’re growing lucid (i mean, can we do two here? just the whole busan boy series. this and the beach.)

don’t blame me

pour one out for the fakenuts sure, but i havent written one im incredibly proud of yet. if the one im working on turns out good, then well… 😶‍🌫️ but thats neither here nor there since it is NOT FINISHED and i dont wanna torture myself with choosing.. really op i have 26 published fics and ur making me choose FIVE of 25. ok, i will delve into my reasoning under here.

ahem. so, to start with... kim suhwan vs. the world. i feel like this one is a little self-explanatory, if only because it's my most recent fic. i do think it's one of my best written (my older fics are definitely lacking in skill, i didn't get good at writing until late 2023 i'd say) and i just... love the plot. so writing quality is great, concept also great! description amazing, dialogue amazing. my best work so far... i guess that makes sense, since im improving in skill as i write and grow more. i love peyz. i love writing fics about love and growing up and coming of age, and okay i DID project a bit onto peyz because i too have an unrequited crush and uh... i struggle with my emotions being a "lot" a lot. especially as of late, ive been "feeling" a lot. i get angry, i get sad. i mean my dad died lol! (i do sort of separate my fics nowadays as pre-dad death and post) but this story is just so special to me. you can see my growth as a person and a writer in comparison to my first fics. i mean, its been two years, pretty much. suhwan here is so special to me, and so is jihoon, honestly. wangho is too, and... god i do love geng 2023 so much. AGH. i know chapter 5 isn't out yet, but it will be tonight, or tomorrow! before t1 geng semis, at least. i hope.

next, all my love. also self-explanatory i think. it's my most popular fic, and even though i don't even really like onerzeus, i love this story and i love my iteration of them. i really badly wanted to write a second chance homecoming story (fun fact, aml was almost a bengifaker instead of onerzeus!) and i ended up doing that. i chose onerzeus since i thought they fit it. and then the fic sorta snowballed. i initially wanted 3 chapters, 10k each, 30k total word count. hoo boy that didn't happen LOL. EVERYTHING snowballed. i started putting all my favorite music in it, and putting cars and stick shifts in, and making the almost-family have an auto shop. i put jojopyun in bc i fucking love the guy so, so much. i put many bits of myself and my dad into it (i look back on this fic with a tad bit of sentimentality because it has so much of him in it. i did write that fic before he died). but i put just.. things i wanted to put in. it was SO self indulgent! gumakeria marriage, jojopyun, music, and cars... i remember working super hard on this fic in particular, and i think it paid off. all the "surprises"/cliffhanger type-things were something i put a lot work into. i think the writing quality of this fic is... halfway decent/pretty good... description was almost amazing, and dialogue was pretty good. conceptually, one of my best. this fic will always be special to me.

next would (maybe surprisingly?) be the mouth of the wolf, the eyes of the lamb. conceptually, i believe this is my best fic conceptually, which is why i chose it. i really don't think this shows my best writing at all (not even top 5 best writing) but i think i execute the CONCEPT well regardless! i did write it in pretty much one sitting because i was in the midst of burnout and i just got the idea and knew i had to get it out, so that's my excuse on the sub-par writing quality and possibly choppy plotline. it has pretty okay description, not bad dialogue. i definitely could've made it smoother. but in general, i just love the "lck mid holy trinity" of faker, showmaker, and chovy. i love lck midlaners so much. the idea of showmaker and chovy being kindred and faker the grey man descended upon me like a blessing from the gods. BY GOD DID I COOK. i didn't write a ton of au fics prior to this fic (ntm any fantasy aus), but i really should more. i love it so much, and i love the ending (which i wrote at like 4 am in the morning in a haze because i randomly thought of it half asleep!) i'm super proud of this conceptually and i need to write more lck mid fics in general (this time with scout too!?)

okay, i really wish i could count the busan boy series as one. but i cannot, so i am choosing and all of my dreams, they're growing lucid. despite it ill be talking about both fics in this section. i think this is my best work slash series of canon-compliant gumakeria i've written thus far--(i haven't written a ton since it came out, if at all, honestly). i feel like i really perfected their characterization here, over writing so much gumakeria. the reason i pick aaomdtgl over the beach is probably writing quality/skill. busan boy is by far my "favorite" of the two concepts, but it's lacking in execution, and it's noticeable especially in comparison to its sequel. the beach has okay writing, pretty decent description, and amazing concept. and all of my dreams has great writing, great description, and great concept. i was always grumpy the beach got so much less attention than and all of my dreams, but... i guess it's for a reason, lol (also bc its um. SAD! they LOSE!). (please go read the beach if you haven't though... i do love that fic so, so much.) also stream niki and the neighbourhood... read! my first songfics i guess, i just love those two albums. also i was a tad bit insane for these two fics--i wrote the beach because i was like, worlds in Korea? lets win. time to write losing in Korea fic first to set up for it. then i wrote a large percentage of and all of my dreams before t1 even won worlds because i was so sure of it. 2023 gwen was insane.

lastly is don't blame me. this is largely because of concept, because the writing is ass. don't blame me was my second published fic, so that's my excuse. the writing IS bad, i was waltzing along lacking in skill... yeah. the prose is so short and empty and fucking hell i could nitpick all day. i guess it sort of fits the fic?? (no im lying to myself lol it just sucks.) the description is meh, the dialogue gets the point across. but CONCEPTUALLY... the fic eats! it slays! demon keria yes pls! good job 2023 gwen! you did slay! my au fics do slay, and i had so much fun with this. i really fell into the rabbithole of league lore... god i love it so much. it's just so fun to write. and the ending! i love the ending a lot and i just like the tone and mood of the fic. i mean, its chilly, a little haunting... im not sure. dbm still has unwritten sequels LMAO i may or may not choose to write... i want to, but it's been a long time... i guess only time will tell.

so... yeah! that'd be my list. if you're interested in hearing why i DIDNT include some (one) fic, keep reading :] (wjnstt was the only one i wanted to address.)

now i think the main question to myself when choosing was... do i include we just need some time together or not? i know its a rather popular fic of mine, but i nixed it in favor of dbm i guess because i prefer dbm. and in terms of canon compliant gumakeria, busan boy clears it and does it a whole lot better in everything (characterization, writing quality, dynamic, everything). i don't... like wjnstt, not really. i mean, i haven't read it in a long while, so i couldn't tell u if that's 100% accurate of a conclusion, but. it was the first fic i ever started writing, and you can TELL. hoo boy writing quality be IN THE GUTTER. oh my GOD. to be fair, again, i haven't read it in a while so my judgment is probably a bit skewed/i could be misremembering. but i haven't reread it because IM SCARED OF IT. IM GOING TO GET SO MUCH SECONDHAND EMBARASSMENT AND CRINGE AT MYSELF OH GOD. ITS SO ASS. FUCKING HELL. my characterization is kinda ass (all of the characters), my writing quality/skill is unpolished... so many things. my description is okay... meh... i guess. my dialogue is probably the best part of the fic, and that's only halfway decent. but at the same time, i remember pouring my heart into this fic. i really do. conceptually, i think it was okay, and i remember it meaning a lot to me. i guess i just... sort of grew up and out of it. i mean, its been two years, pretty much. i wrote it in the midst of a bad depression slump, and i was younger, and... a lot changed since then, bascially. okay maybe i should reread it. fuck. we'll see i guess. i have a love hate relationship with this fic, that's all ill say for now. it'd probably make... top 6 or top 7. yeah. not sure. not top 5 though, sorry.

anyway, thank you so much for the question again op, and i'm so sorry for the late reply! and for yapping. i yapped a lot. hopefully you liked reading it though. much love, hope you have an amazing day, and let's gear up for worlds semis this weekend!!

[sharkiiv]

mental update/trauma dump

You can totally scroll past this post i just need to get it out 😭

tw: mentions of suicide, self harm, drugs, medical hospitalization, etc.

ok so this is really weird to talk about actually and I don't really know how to talk about this. Guess i just needed to get it out. So I have been clean for about 10 months now!!! Holy shit I hadn't realized I just did the math 😭 anyways I missed Halloween last year because I was in the hospital since some of my stupid organs weren't working properly. But I was so upset about it. And when the nurses were checking my arm health, some of my sh scars were visible and she just said "arm health good" and I was like ayyyy that's what's up. But what I forgot was I still had some cuts on my legs that I had totally forgotten about. She didn't check them thank God because my parents didn't know about them. When I got home that night I had to take a shower cuz yucky and my arms weren't working so I had my mom help but I had to be so careful to not let her see the cuts. Anyways the last day I was in the hospital was the last day I had talked to my therapist since she was leaving company she worked for to be independent. She said she was going to reschedule with me later. My mom had sent so many emails only to get "no reply". My therapist recently started seeing my sister instead because of some issues. When I asked her about it she said that she had been trying to contact me for months. My mom lied (surprise surprise).

But schools been really tough recently and I'm starting to have suicidal thoughts and self harm thoughts again and I don't know where to go since I don't have a therapist anymore. My mom was going through my stuff to clean up and I didn't really care cuz yk wtv. But she found some pills that I had in one of my jewelry boxes in case I needed to yk... but the thing was I had totally forgotten about them. She just goes "oh! I'll take those. I want them." I was like okay? I don't want them. I forgot they were there anyways. But now I'm kinda like damn. I know that I need to stay strong bc I'm still trying to deal with my ed and friend problems but I just don't know If I can anymore. It's getting really hard. I bought some sensory necklaces off of Amazon to help with my sensory and those are helping but it's just not enough. I just feel so awful all the time. It might be depression? I dunno. I'm trying not to distance myself but it's so easy to just doom scroll all day and do nothing. Getting up early for school when I can't even think is so rough. I didn't even plan on living this long so i have no idea what the hell im doing. I want to talk to someone but I also know that I can ramble and rant for hours and I don't want to do that to my friends. It's hard enough for them already and that would just be cruel of me. My friends can't fix my problems. I just don't know what to do. I see my friends doing better, yk the ones that have really had it rough and i feel great for them. But I also see some friends doing worse and I'm just like, yeah. I get you. I dunno I might be yapping but my stupid brain thinks that sometimes my friends don't really like me. Like if I were to kill myself that I'd turn into one of those jokes like " you should commit [my name]!" Or "i hope you end up like [my name]" because that would fucking suck. Kids are so mean.

I dunno what to do man. I might delete this or smt.

[ahappydnp]

thank you so much for your reply 💜 I think the hardest part for me is thinking that I have a life with someone and that will be over. I'm scared we'll never talk again, be friends etc. I'm already out as bi (since I was 14) so I've already accepted I like women a long time ago. It's just hard accepting I don't love (romantically) this person I've spent 6 years with anymore, bc I also feel ok with not liking men so I'm not too worried about that. I wish I had figured that out before we moved in together. I feel guilty, and like I'm the shittiest person alive bc he's a really amazing person. I know it's not my fault, but it feels like it is somehow. I can't ignore it forever, I think even he already noticed that something is going on, so I'll try to talk to him about soon <3 and thank you again, I haven't talked about this with anyone irl. I will try to give myself a deadline to sort things out and talk to him (I feel so anxious for even thinking about doing that ksgaksbsbb aaa)

long post under the cut

the guilt part is something i could have written verbatim but PLEASE know you're not a bad person for this! there is nothing to feel guilty about because you had to go through the process of figuring this out! you deserve to be happy and after 6 years i would hope that's what he would want for you too <3 i really do hope you can stay friends and that he'll support you through this. some people do get that and that's great!

i will say thinking about starting that conversation/when it should happen is far worse than the conversation itself. like you said, he's probably already aware something is going on and (in my experience) the second you start talking it all just kind of comes out at once.

also you don't have to give yourself a deadline to make life changing decisions! i told myself i'd take it slow after i admitted i was a lesbian to myself and then like literally two days he came home, asked me how my day was, and i just started full on sobbing and it all came out like word vomit. i had spent months letting it eat me alive and i was in the worst depressive episode i had ever been in and i won't lie that was a fucking hard and scary talk, but after it happened i had never felt lighter in my life. despite the pain and heartbreak, i felt like i had hope for the first time maybe ever in my life?

just please please be kind to yourself and know no matter what happens or when it happens, you're not alone and this is by no means the end of the world for him or you. it's actually the beginning of exponentially more happiness

[crimeronan]

I feel like I would consider myself polyamory agnostic in a way, like I would maybe like for it to happen but I often fear that I don't have the ability to manage even one partnership, let alone multiple relationships, since I am often. So tired. I often find myself idealizing the "late" stage of a relationship when everyone already has settled into what to expect of each other and knows not to take it personally if someone falls asleep mid movie, for example. All this to say, how do you handle your relationship structure as a disabled/chronically ill person? Do you have any advice/thoughts on how it works for you? (I feel like perhaps you have posted about this before and I am just forgetting...)

oh this is a really good question! i'm not sure how relevant my life experience will be to you, particularly given that i started dating all three of my current partners before becoming disabled/crippled. but i am happy to share!

first off -- i 100% get romanticizing the late stage of relationships, sometimes you just need things to be chill and flexible. but i also don't think that this stage necessarily Needs to be reserved for Late Relationships?

like.... the older i get, the more upfront i've decided to be about my needs, especially with new people. granted, a lot of the people i meet these days are either disabled themselves or Get It -- my social circle is mostly queer spoonies in their 20s and 30s + much much older retirees that i hang out with at the local pool.

some people prefer not to be so open so quickly about their limitations, it is hard and scary to be visibly disabled, harder still to ask for help & admit that you might be inconvenient / a burden / take up extra space. this USED to be me until i said. eh. fuck it. after a certain point, wounded pride is just a mental construct

basically, like. when i'm online these days, you'll see me be clear about my limits with strangers - i'll say that if i stop replying to chats or asks, it's not bc i hate you, it's bc i'm tired or forgetful. that i can't guarantee responses to ppl, even people i'm already friendly with. that if my mood is bad or my pain levels are high, i won't engage in much social interaction at All. that my capabilities fluctuate wildly depending on the day and that i cannot be relied upon for consistent scheduling or posting or creative output

i'm similarly open with people irl. it helps that i'm often using mobility aids when i'm talking to people. the mobility aids sorta strip the possibility of pretending not to be disabled. it's kinda the elephant in the room. but it means that i can be like, "as you can see, i am very crippled. i may need flexibility with any plans that we make. due to being very crippled."

if people get upset by this or simply don't have the capacity to deal with it, that is fine! that's not either of our faults, no one's done anything wrong, we're just not in the right circumstances to mesh. i don't get hurt by that personally. i've honestly found that it saves SO much time and hassle and potential drama/heartache to set expectations right away. the only other option is to exhaust myself and end up failing to meet expectations regardless and losing the friendship after burning up a bunch of energy and social bridges. painful and bad!

so like... i can meet a new person, and if they're cool with My Whole Deal, then there's no waiting period before we're familiar enough for flaky behavior. i can be like, "i'm not sure i'll be able to walk tonight, is there a place to sit down at the event?" or "i'm flaring a little, is it okay for us to be kinda flexible about tomorrow's schedule?" or "hey, i'll get back to you as soon as possible i promise, i'm just fogged TO SHIT today [peace sign]" from day 1. it's great

i'm not saying that you Have to do this; i am aware that it breaches like seventeen laws of general social etiquette. i'm just saying that i have met many people who are totally chill about this! as long as you're chill and respectful of the other person as well, you can do whatever you want forever

that was not even relevant to the initial ask, so. AS FOR MY PARTNERS.

i actually don't find that my illness makes it harder to navigate my relationships at all. like i mentioned, i've been with all three partners for Many Many Years now. we know each other Extremely well, we're all extremely turbo autistic, we all have blunt communication down to a science. so saying "i'm not up for doing [x thing] tonight, can we take a rain check?" is super easy.

in fact, my partners can basically intuit a flare from just my physical movements and tone of voice, even before i say a single word. we are VERY familiar with each other.

.....and, alright. after fighting the urge to longpost i've decided to put the rest under a cut. YOU'RE WELCOME 4 THE RETURN OF YOUR DASHBOARDS. "why didnt you put it under a cut so much earlier" read my posts boy

anyway. click readmore to hear me expand upon just how fucking incredible and awesome and kind and generous and loving my People are

there ARE some ways that the illness has made it more difficult for ME to be the kind of partner that i want to be -- for example, i often lack the energy to provide proper emotional support during stressful situations, i have a shorter threshold for pain/irritation than i used to, i can't give 100% of my energy anymore and there have been times when that has resulted in hurt feelings in my partners.

(there have been far more times, though, when nobody's feelings are hurt and it's literally fine.)

in every case where feelings DID get hurt, we've talked stuff out and fixed it within like an hour. bc we all trust each other and know that we don't WANT to hurt each other's feelings. i never ever Ever say things with the intention of wounding my partners, and they know that. they never say things with the intention of wounding me, either, which is why our very blunt "hey, you need to change something you're doing" convos go so well. there's no need to tiptoe, it doesn't hurt me to know what they're thinking or feeling or needing.

sometimes things are just hard and shitty and we're all doing the best we can. this is just part of adulthood i think. especially adulthood in late stage capitalism, etc. the Biggest key to my polycule is that we are all much happier as a family than we would be without each other. the relationships are about as wholesome and healthy and non-toxic and openly communicative as they can get

the Other key aspect when dealing with my illness is that.... being polyamorous has actually been... SOOOOOO MUCH BETTER than being 1) alone, OR 2) in a monogamous relationship EVER WOULD BE?

it is Extremely Stressful for my family to deal with me being this sick. i am aware of that. but i haven't had to bear the brunt of it. not only do they support me, but they also all communicate with and support each other. so no one person is bearing the entire weight of the stress or pain or fear. and i don't have to comfort people over my own symptoms, which most disabled ppl i think would agree is.... exhausting

when i'm too fucked up to speak aloud, let alone support my partners the way i usually do, they ALWAYS have EACH OTHER as a safety net.

this safety net has been beyond vital for me personally, too. round-the-clock care from a single partner is insane and exhausting and leads to unraveling tempers. but when you live with two partners who can help cover your chores and cook and make sure you don't die of your Symptoms (TM)? that's much more doable.

it's HARD, bc literally everyone in the house is disabled to some degree, but it's doable. (it being hard is part of why my QPR is going to move in with us soon. extra hands!)

a few weeks ago, rafi (partner of 7ish years) went on a short vacation to visit family in california. and justice (QPR of 3ish years, best friend of 8ish years) booked an impromptu next-day plane ticket to come stay with me and vi (partner of 11ish years) while rafi was gone. because i was Very Sick. i was flaring horribly the whole time she was here, and she made meals and cleaned and ran errands and picked up medications and returned phone calls and lay in bed with me watching low-stakes tv shows and made sure i didn't stroke out without anyone there to help.

this meant that i basically got to stay in bed the whole time, which was very very Very needed. and vi -- who has a bad back -- wasn't unduly taxed with Literally All of the household upkeep in rafi's absence.

the same principle has applied when i've needed my partners to help cover my share of bills or my household chores or my errands or whatever. since there are three other people involved, the Immediate Support Net is much wider than in a monogamous relationship. especially bc all three of them have their own familial and friend support networks to reach out to!

having more people around is actually awesome for me. i don't feel like i'm expending a lot more energy than i would in a monogamous relationship, but i AM receiving a TON more support and care and love than would be possible in a monogamous relationship.

i guess the conclusion i'd make is: no man is an island, humans are hardwired to build large social support groups, and in a good relationship, you'll receive At Least as much as you give. right now i'm receiving a SHIT TON MORE than i give, and i do often feel pretty bad about it despite knowing it's not my fault.

but these people have chosen to be my family. and if they ever want to stop choosing me then they absolutely can. and if they need more from me or they need something Different from me, then they'll literally just tell me.

(i know they will literally just tell me because all three of them have literally just told me in the past. they're three people i can implicitly trust to say things like "hey, this thing you said made me sad / was unhelpful" and "hey, i'm really stressed out about [x thing], can we make a plan to deal with it?" and "hey, this situation is pretty serious and i know that you don't want to face it but i really need you to. i will take on whatever i can for you and support you the whole time")

so: yes it has been hard to some extent, managing three relationships while also being sick. but it is also a wonderful setup with a million unthought-of advantages & i am much better cared-for and much better AT caring because of it & i fucking Shudder to think how horrific being sick would be without them.

i love my family so much.

[taxlecrivain]

Throwback to this interaction from an old dating app;;;; the mild(?) absurdity is funny

1st pic: the yellow text is my commentary, after the fact

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Omgg look at me 👆🏽 trying so hard to be patient, not even because I'm infantilizing anyone, but just because we return to the root of "People deserve unconditional kindness" and that you assume the best about them (who knows? bro's english wasn't good to begin with; disability; etc etc not his fault)

Then…

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Translation:

"SERIOUSLY.

i wanna dive [i.e. suicide method joke]

1. there was nothing in my bio, to make you want to ask about exes

2. […] what's with you and people's exes?? busybody af

wouldn't be so bad if i already knew you. but here it's the first question?!"

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Being brutally honest, bc that's my talent and I enjoy Big Clit Energy communication 👆🏽

Next,

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Translation:

[…]

"I'm so pissed like, regardless if you're disabled etc., your communication still makes me irritated. [Like, I have all the empathy in the world for you AND the absolute best assumptions. But in the real world, you still end up doing physical things that DO make me upset, even as I understand perfectly that this may NOT be your intention, and maybe BOTH of us don't know how to explain to each other how to improve this.] He never ONCE acknowledged a single thing I ever said tffffff

I sent him a song, he didn't acknowledge it. […]

I said, "look at my bio," he asks about my exes.

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"I sent him those long messages [the "I feel cheated" elaboration in the 3rd pic], he goes straight to "my hands use desktop instagram/whatsapp better". Like fine it's your accommodation for your physical disability. But he never gave explanations/acknowledged anything I said k 🙄 His first impression was misleading af

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Ok so. The guy's selfies always had him in a wheelchair, clearly he needs it. I also can't guess how paralyzed or fatigued or in pain he is, because he said NOTHING about it. His bio and opening message were LIVELY. "haha I like pizza, wanna get to know each other?" type shit. He set this up.

After that, NOTHING else from him reached those early standards 😭

Not a horrifying end-of-the-world deal, but just stating the fact: I was a victim of his inconsistency/fakeness/?unknowable situation?/?inexplicable situation? 💀

Plus I've told him early on that he could not get my personal socmeds, because we just met and I was uncomfortable. He asked the first time, but then he asked again, because instagram or whatsapp have a voice message button that's accessible to him.

Cool, great, fine—no a stranger fucking still cannot have my socmed, but I noticed the app we were on can record voice messages! Hey there, "dude I'm still willing to be 99% patient with", I'm reaching a hand out towards you, and showing you that this exists, so we could possibly continue interacting!

*gets unmatched/banned*

💃🏽🕺🏽💃🏽🕺🏽💃🏽🕺🏽💃🏽🕺🏽💃🏽🕺🏽💃🏽🕺🏽💃🏽🕺🏽💃🏽🕺🏽💃🏽🕺🏽💃🏽🕺🏽💃🏽🕺🏽💃🏽🕺🏽💃🏽🕺🏽💃🏽🕺🏽

sighh anyways. funny as hell

Bro could've explained at ANY moment how disabled he was, but absolutely DIDN'T,

and EVERY reply felt like starting a new conversation from scratch because NOTHING I ever said was acknowledged EVER

[Like, I have all the empathy in the world for you AND the absolute best assumptions. But in the real world, you still end up doing physical things that DO make me upset, even as I understand perfectly that this might NOT be your intention, and maybe BOTH of us don't know how to explain to each other how to improve this.]

Good people, ass communication.

Good people, inability to just guess what each other's disabilities are.

[samuelroukin]

re gazprice dynamic, I def agree dom/sub doesn't fit them well, price in particular doesn't have the right life setup to get off on being a dom imo, and after all one of the great horny truths is that people almost never want more of exactly what they're getting in their vanilla life in bed and like, doming is his day job lol, I think the #1 thing he wants is probably to fucking relax for once, but I can't see him being comfortable with anything that looks like submission from the outside

gaz I could see being a little more flexible bc hes not shoved so hard into a particular social role by circumstance, but even so I think submission is more something hes capable of enjoying than something he is, and tbh I think the rule of reversals would have him going the other way - something that strikes me about his dialogue is how fucking fast he is on the uptake, like he never seems to break a sweat coming up with an instant reply and almost everything he says is elquoent, measured, he gets emotional sometimes but he's never out of control, hes funny but he's not trying to get people in stitches. there's a lot of moments where you can see him thinking but he doesn't say much. which is interesting, bc that level of control implies he could be running conversational circles around the others if he wanted to, but thats not what he chooses to use it for. the why of that is up to interpretation, but my vote is for deliberate restraint, like he knows exactly what he's doing/not doing and its on purpose, and that is exactly the sort of thing that sets someone up to enjoy letting loose a bit in bed

all of that feeds into an indulgent daddy kink thing really well so like, yeah absolutely sold on that. personally I think there's maybe a bit of corruption kink in there too, like bc that seems to be a pretty significant element of their working relationship and I can't imagine they don't have feelings about it, but I think it could go a lot of different ways, and either of them could be in the drivers seat for that one (price orders gaz to get blood on his hands, gaz responds by taking another thing off prices 'never have I ever' list when they get home), but I'm also partial to the classic 'I fucked that old man (smug)' and 'and I enjoyed it (guilty)' vibe

(sorry so much of this is like, saying what you said with more words, I went and actually watched bits of the game for the first time so I'm just like, confirmed via independent research and I think you're right sfgdfsgsdfgd)

if you're willing to entertain more questions, I am stuck on trying to figure out how much and what kind of experience price has and what his relationship with being gay is - thoughts?

YES to all of this! i'm actually super glad you put it into words way better than i ever could, especially about gaz being so deliberate in his words and actions.

also this "the classic 'I fucked that old man (smug)' and 'and I enjoyed it (guilty)' vibe" like. Yeah. yeah. like to me i can't see price completely giving up control and reversing their dynamic when they're together but the. allowing gaz to do what he wants...

to me, price is like a 2 (maybe 1.5) on the kinsey scale. comfortable being attracted to men occasionally but with his job it's easier to separate personal and private if work is (mostly ofc) where he doesn't think about men like that, and i like the added layer that brings to him being into gaz. not so much a 'ew i don't like men' reaction but 'i'm his superior and i'm not supposed to feel like this at work' if that makes sense. (like yeah he shouldn't in general, but idk.) as you can tell i don't do deep thoughts, just vibes lmao

so i think he def has some experience, more when he was younger, although he gets more attention now, but it's not something that comes up a lot