#if i forgot a jon scar somewhere no i didnt

[sunhowler-art]

i dont really go here anymore but what if they were transfem

[sceneboyfriend]

personal

i thought it would get better after a few days but my mental health is still shit right now. i dont even want to talk about it here but im not supposed to keep stuff like this to myself and i literally dont know who im allowed to talk to about this. cw for s**c*de , delusions and self-harm . please dont read if you arent ready for a big long and sad post.

I dont want people to know im doing bad ecause either a) they dont care and are going to feel obligated to care, b) they did care before, but are now realizing that i’m actually really fucking hard to deal with or c) i know its getting posted somewhere else on kiwifarms or p**kers account or somewhere where i’m going to get fucking stalked again. but i cant even distract myself from it anymore i feel like shit. I want to talk to people but i cannot stand the fact hat there may be a chance that i may make them feel like they have to respond. I hate texting people i hate calling people i hate coming out of my room. i hate that i almost dont hide my crying at work fully. im terrified someone is going to ntice. my mom saw my self harm scars and now shes worried and i dont want her to worry about me. self harming was the only way i could anchor myself back to reality and i feel like im actually desceding into psychosis or some shit. i feel like everyone hates having me around unless im providing some sort of service. I hate looking at myself and i hate people asking if im okay. I dont know what to fucking do i reached out to two therapists and one got back to me but i forgot to text her back for a few days. i just hear everyone who raised me saying “if you didnt remember, you didnt need it.” I miss alice so bad but i dont even want to go up to visit her because what if i cry there???  everyone just fucking tolerates my existence just enough to not kick me out but not enough to reach out to me. If i reached out to people maybe things would be better but how the fuck am i supposed to know if “im busy” means “lets reschedule” or “i dont want to be with you, but i’m letting you down politely”

if alice didnt want to be my friend anymore i wouldnt even know what to do. shes the only person i could think to call but she already has her own stuff going on. and miss lavi so much but i dont think she even wants to be associated with me, which is fair and obviously not her fault. but theres just this slight chance that she wants to be friends again. i miss her so much but im so different than i used to be. im harder to be around. i ramble on and on and i talk over people and i talk like a fucking political youtuber and i sound like a know it all. the only thing i can be confident about is vocaloid and who the fuck wants to be around a weeaboo??? other people have other fucking personality traits and all i have is scraps from the one good relationship i had and the one stable friendship i had throughout high school and my special interest. i wanna die so bad i dont wanna exist i wish i could just erase myself from everones memories i dont wanna be mourned. i want to disappear and have no one be upset. i cant be alone for this long i cant just keep spiralling on wedesday and recovering from a spiral for the rest of my work week. monday is the only good day for me, and maybe tuesday but only till noon. i miss robin but if i reach out to her she might feel like she has to respond. i hate this so much i feel like anything i do is abusive and manipulative i cant even be nice to people any mbecause i only do it so theyll like me.

i really need help but everytime i almost reach out i just push it away. work is literally the only thing that is keeping me alive right now because if i disappear then the greenhouse is gonna get so bad and it would cost jon so much fucking money. everyone would realise they dont need me and wouldnt want me back. its all a fucking lie and i dont know how to come clean about it without hurting people. im not going to do anything drastic dont worry about me. im just going to cut and go to bed like i do every fucking night. what the fuck else am i gonna do, spiral into a full on delusion again?? last week i was constantly scared of other people hearing me, i cant shower withoutthinking about how loud i am, i cant eat without being disgusted by what other people must be hearing.